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Speaker 1: You're listening to a MoMA Mia podcast. Muma Me acknowledges

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Speaker 1: the traditional owners of the land and waters. This podcast

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Speaker 1: is recorded on This episode contains discussion of domestic violence

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Speaker 1: and suicide, which may be distressing for some listeners. If

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Speaker 1: you or someone you know is affected, support resources are

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Speaker 1: listed in the show notes. Belief systems run deep within us,

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Speaker 1: etched into our nature and reinforce through our upbringing. We're

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Speaker 1: molded by the adults who surround us, people who often

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Speaker 1: were the best of intentions, shape our understanding of the

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Speaker 1: world and pass down the lessons of life.

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Speaker 2: We went to the pastor, and the same thing that

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Speaker 2: my mum said was what this pastors said to me.

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Speaker 2: So his advice to me was to not provoke. As

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Speaker 2: a woman, what we were taught about was being submissive,

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Speaker 2: and that men get angry and you need to just

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Speaker 2: kind of really try to simmoth down. I just learned

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Speaker 2: to be quiet. I learned to not pipe up. I

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Speaker 2: learned to not try to defend myself, to argue.

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Speaker 1: That sometimes the very truths you were raised on hard

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Speaker 1: and inter lies, and you left with no choice but

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Speaker 1: to unlearn them because your sense of self, even your

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Speaker 1: survival depends on it.

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Speaker 2: And in that moment, I made a decision that I

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Speaker 2: had two options, that I actually physically couldn't live in

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Speaker 2: that environment anymore, and that I either end my life

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Speaker 2: or I get out. And I knew how to get out,

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Speaker 2: and that was to sleep with someone else.

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Speaker 1: I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an ex

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Speaker 1: Come with me as we dive into a collection of

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Speaker 1: unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the

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Speaker 1: hearts of the very people who lived them. To begin

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Speaker 1: this story, dear listener, I've got to take you back

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Speaker 1: to when Bella was born. She was one of three kids,

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Speaker 1: lived with both parents. But what was unique about Bella's

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Speaker 1: upbringing was her community, or more specifically, her church.

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Speaker 2: The church that we attended was pretty full on. It

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Speaker 2: wasn't probably your standard Christian church. For example, we weren't

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Speaker 2: allowed to mix with any other churches. We had very

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Speaker 2: strict rules around what we were allowed and not allowed

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Speaker 2: to do, so probably the obvious no drinking, no dancing.

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Speaker 2: I never attended a party. Your life was very much

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Speaker 2: the church, and we attended three to four times a week,

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Speaker 2: and your community was a church. So you won't encourage

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Speaker 2: really to make friendships outside of the church. It was

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Speaker 2: quite insular, but in saying that, growing up in it

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Speaker 2: it was really fun. I've got really good memories, I

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Speaker 2: think because we had such a sense of community and

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Speaker 2: it was always something on and there was kids everywhere

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Speaker 2: all the time. When I was younger, it was really nice.

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Speaker 2: I never felt alone if we would cool sort of

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Speaker 2: adults in our lives that attended the church, our aunties

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Speaker 2: and our uncles, and so it sort of had like

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Speaker 2: this family feel to it. So when I was younger,

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Speaker 2: I kind of had a really positive experience growing up

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Speaker 2: in that environment. But I think as I got older

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Speaker 2: and as we get into our teenage years, I suppose

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Speaker 2: that's where some of the rules you kind of under

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Speaker 2: your parents' guidance when you're young, and then as you

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Speaker 2: become a teenager. Where I attended, this particular church had

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Speaker 2: some pretty strict rules, and so I grew up very

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Speaker 2: much a people pleaser, didn't want to upset my parents,

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Speaker 2: wanted to do the right thing, and growing up as

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Speaker 2: a girl in that church, there was no sex before marriage.

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Speaker 2: There was a real sense of your goal in life

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Speaker 2: is to get married and to have children, and that's

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Speaker 2: kind of the way that it all worked, and it

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Speaker 2: was very common for the majority of young people to

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Speaker 2: get married between the ages, sort of like eighteen nineteen twenty.

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Speaker 2: That was kind of expected in the standard.

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Speaker 1: At the tender age of sixteen, when Bella and her

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Speaker 1: family moved across the country, her teenage heart started to

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Speaker 1: feel teenage things and her interest in boys began.

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Speaker 2: This church is all over Australia, so we attended the

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Speaker 2: one in Perth, and then when we attended the one

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Speaker 2: in Sydney, we weren't allowed to date until girls were

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Speaker 2: seventeen and boys were eighteen, and it was called going official,

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Speaker 2: and what that meant was that you sat down with

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Speaker 2: the pastors and they ran through some rules with you

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Speaker 2: and then they kind of officiated your relationship. So I

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Speaker 2: was getting to that age, or I was sixteen, and

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Speaker 2: I was kind of like close to being allowed to

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Speaker 2: having a boyfriend. And for me growing up, because it

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Speaker 2: was sort of tortoise, kind of the pinnacle to get

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Speaker 2: married and to have children, that was on the forefront

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Speaker 2: of my mind. So we arrived into Sydney and I

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Speaker 2: remember sort of like the first we had like a

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Speaker 2: youth night. I had come like youth groups and I

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Speaker 2: met all the girls and they were like, Oh, is

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Speaker 2: there any boys here that you like? And I remember

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Speaker 2: this one guy who stood out as soon as I

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Speaker 2: walked in the room, and he was gorgeous. He had

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Speaker 2: tanned skin, he had green eyes, and he had this

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Speaker 2: presence about him, almost an arrogance. But I was so

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Speaker 2: attracted to it, and I said what about him? And

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Speaker 2: all the girls looked at me and they said, no,

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Speaker 2: anyone but Luke. Stay away from Luke. And I think

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Speaker 2: they called him a player, whatever that meant. When we

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Speaker 2: were sixteen, and I was like, I'm a pretty stubborn person.

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Speaker 2: I was like, no, I got my eye on him.

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Speaker 2: And the next time I met him was at a

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Speaker 2: youth camp. So a part of this church, we would

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Speaker 2: have youth camps and we met for the first time,

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Speaker 2: and I don't know whether it was love at first sight,

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Speaker 2: but it kind of felt that way when we met.

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Speaker 2: That was it. We were just absolutely infatuated with each other,

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Speaker 2: but obviously, not being seventeen and him not being eighteen,

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Speaker 2: we weren't allowed to date, and so we kept that

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Speaker 2: on the down low. When I say that, there was

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Speaker 2: still no kissing, there was still no hand holding. But

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Speaker 2: we knew that we liked each other. Once I hit seventeen,

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Speaker 2: we got official, which meant that we were then officially

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Speaker 2: a couple. And I remember just being so besotted and

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Speaker 2: in love. And you know, I think the beautiful thing

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Speaker 2: about your first love is you've got no past experiences

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Speaker 2: of heartbreak, and so it is this beautiful time where

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Speaker 2: you love so wholeheartedly with every ounce of your being.

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Speaker 2: And that's what I did. I just my heart. I

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Speaker 2: just remember looking at him and being just mesmerized to

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Speaker 2: a degree, and I feel like he felt the same

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Speaker 2: about me. We were just absolutely obsessed with each other.

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Speaker 2: I really admired Luke's ability to go after what he wanted.

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Speaker 2: He was very driven in certain ways in that there

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Speaker 2: was an element of he had a huge amount of

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Speaker 2: arrogance and confidence, which I was super attracted to. And

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Speaker 2: he seemed very sure of himself, more sure than me.

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Speaker 2: Being a people pleaser, I would always over explain would

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Speaker 2: I would want to appease those around me, where he

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Speaker 2: just did what he wanted and didn't really care about

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Speaker 2: ramifications to a degree, And maybe because he was more

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Speaker 2: experienced in certain areas, I also found that quite attractive.

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Speaker 2: He would give me so much attention. He at that

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Speaker 2: time had a sense of like kindness about him. I

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Speaker 2: liked that he got on with my family quite a lot.

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Speaker 2: And the funny thing is is like when you're that age,

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Speaker 2: those things are kind of status is like what matters.

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Speaker 2: And I think it was his status that really drew

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Speaker 2: me to him, and feeling chosen that made me feel good,

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Speaker 2: and that was probably the thing that I loved the most.

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Speaker 2: But I also had this romanticized idea of him as well,

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Speaker 2: where I just thought he was so capable, he was

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Speaker 2: so talented, he was so good at sport, he held

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Speaker 2: himself well, he was popular. He was like this image

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Speaker 2: of like this incredibly capable man that I just found

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Speaker 2: myself so attracted to.

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Speaker 1: And where there's attraction, we all know what happens next.

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Speaker 1: But for Bella, there were several complexities around this next step.

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Speaker 2: There was always a massive sense of shame around I

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Speaker 2: guess sexuality for females. So like growing up, I was

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Speaker 2: taught the basics around what sex was, but I actually

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Speaker 2: didn't even know how it worked. And I know that

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Speaker 2: sounds really silly, but I didn't know about female pleasure

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Speaker 2: and I was never taught about anything like that. Sex

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Speaker 2: was for the man and so, and if you had

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Speaker 2: slept with someone outside of marriage, you were sort of

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Speaker 2: really encouraged to get married, even at a very young age,

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Speaker 2: because that was such a no no. So to prevent

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Speaker 2: that from happening and to be looking like I'm say

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Speaker 2: it tat you know, you didn't date around and you

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Speaker 2: did the right thing and then you got married quite quickly,

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Speaker 2: which is kind of what happened. So once I hit

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Speaker 2: about eighteen, we got engaged. I remember we were at

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Speaker 2: the Botanical gardens and he got down on one knee

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Speaker 2: and proposed to me. And I sort of knew it

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Speaker 2: was coming because that was just the process of what

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Speaker 2: it was like for us growing up. And I was

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Speaker 2: so excited. I organized the wedding all on my own.

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Speaker 2: We had a huge wedding. I think we had over

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Speaker 2: three hundred people, and yeah, it was massive. I was

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Speaker 2: so young, and I didn't probably quite understand this severity

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Speaker 2: or the seriousness of getting married. But all I did

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Speaker 2: know is that I was absolutely in love with Luke,

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Speaker 2: and there was not one other person I saw. He

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Speaker 2: was my heart. He was the love of my life,

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Speaker 2: and I felt like he was my soulmate. Before getting married,

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Speaker 2: neither one of us had lived out of home. I

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Speaker 2: had just finished school before getting married, so very naive.

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Speaker 2: I'd just got my first job. He, on the other hands,

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Speaker 2: that have had probably a pretty typical being like a

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Speaker 2: little bit rebellious sort of fifteen sixteen, where he'd go

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Speaker 2: out and sneak out to parties and drink alcohol, so

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Speaker 2: he kind of had a little bit more knowledge and

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Speaker 2: experience he had had girlfriends prior. I was just wide

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Speaker 2: eyed and bushy tailed and had no idea about anything.

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Speaker 2: I was incredibly naive, But in saying that, I'd say

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Speaker 2: he was still fairly naive. We were both so young,

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Speaker 2: so getting married it was a massive shift in what

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Speaker 2: our life looked like and responsibilities. Were both going from

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Speaker 2: living at home never knowing even how to rely look

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Speaker 2: after ourselves, and we were thrown into this adult relationship

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Speaker 2: with a real lack of skills on how to do that,

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Speaker 2: you know, like how to communicate effectively, how to be

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Speaker 2: respectful of each other, and how to just live. After

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Speaker 2: getting married, we moved into our first little rental, which

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Speaker 2: was a grunny flat at the back of Luke's Auntie's house,

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Speaker 2: and we rented that out. We had gone on our honeymoon.

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Speaker 2: It was all like a massive learning curve. As you

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Speaker 2: can understand. It was also like it was the first

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Speaker 2: time having sex as well, my mum telling me, like,

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Speaker 2: when your husband wants to have sex, you have sex.

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Speaker 2: That's your duty. And so I was like, okay, you know,

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Speaker 2: that's what I do. And it was very much tried

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Speaker 2: wife here. You know, I cooked, cleaned, I also worked.

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Speaker 2: That was the idea of what a good wife was

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Speaker 2: really under this type of Christianity.

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Speaker 1: While Bella's life we're shifting in a whole host of

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Speaker 1: different directions. So was Luke's behavior.

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Speaker 2: There was a shift in Luke from who I knew

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Speaker 2: him to be almost instantly once we got married, and

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Speaker 2: it started off very subtle. Our honeymoon, I believe, was

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Speaker 2: for two weeks and we got home and we were

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Speaker 2: bickering a lot. We were fighting a lot, We weren't

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Speaker 2: communicating properly, and this was just over really basic things.

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Speaker 2: It could have been about the way that we unpacked

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Speaker 2: the dishwasher, the way that you stack the plates, super

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Speaker 2: basic things, just like really learning how to live together.

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Speaker 2: Were we compatible and knowing how to communicate effectively, but

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Speaker 2: we didn't know how to do that, so it was

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Speaker 2: I remember feeling very high strung and feeling like I

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Speaker 2: was very out of control and maybe I had made

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Speaker 2: the worst mistake of my life. And I remember, just

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Speaker 2: after getting married, having this gut feeling, like this sinking

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Speaker 2: feeling in my gut that what have I done. I

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Speaker 2: remember him putting me down, making certain comments about me,

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Speaker 2: even sexually, which was quite spiteful and hurtful, about my body.

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Speaker 2: He would say, like, you know, I prefer you with

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Speaker 2: makeup on. You're not really very pretty without makeup on.

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Speaker 2: It was the first time we had seen each other

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Speaker 2: without clothes and he had made comments about my body.

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Speaker 2: And I was only nineteen. I got married at nineteen,

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Speaker 2: so I was already very insecure. I guess you are

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Speaker 2: when you're younger. And I was also in this position

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Speaker 2: where all of a sudden I had gone from being

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Speaker 2: in the safety of my home, and that being quite

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Speaker 2: consistent too, with this man who I didn't feel a

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Speaker 2: lot of love, that I was getting love from him,

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Speaker 2: or that maybe he didn't even like me at this point,

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Speaker 2: and it was very confusing because I would talk to

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Speaker 2: him and I'd be like that's just how I do things,

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Speaker 2: to the point where I would talk and I would

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Speaker 2: talk too loud. You're so loud, Like, shut up all

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Speaker 2: the time. Okay, I'm really annoying. I'm so irritating. I

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00:14:23,168 --> 00:14:26,368
Speaker 2: felt like the most irritating human and it was like

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Speaker 2: he just couldn't stand me. I irritated him. But in

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Speaker 2: the same instance, he was so obsessed and so possessive

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Speaker 2: of me. Luke would say to me all the time

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Speaker 2: that no one will love you like I love you.

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Speaker 2: That was what he would say to me. He would

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Speaker 2: say to me that I was selfish, that I was

249
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Speaker 2: self centered, and that it was almost implied that he

250
00:14:55,528 --> 00:14:59,208
Speaker 2: was doing a service to everyone else that he is

251
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Speaker 2: putting up with me as his wife. I felt incredibly

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Speaker 2: grateful for him, so grateful that he had chosen, almost

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Speaker 2: selfishly to love someone that was unlovable, and so I

254
00:15:19,648 --> 00:15:24,048
Speaker 2: just felt like I owed him and I wasn't my

255
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Speaker 2: own I felt like he owned me because if I

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Speaker 2: was to leave, no one would want me, and I

257
00:15:33,688 --> 00:15:37,208
Speaker 2: guess that's why I felt like a possession. But it

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00:15:37,328 --> 00:15:41,568
Speaker 2: was a possession that he didn't even like. It started

259
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Speaker 2: to really unravel once we got back from our honeymoon

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Speaker 2: and we were having an argument and it wasn't even

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Speaker 2: about anything in particular. It was something so trivial, and

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Speaker 2: he pushed me, and he pushed me into the wall

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Speaker 2: quite hard, and as a reaction, I had never had

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Speaker 2: someone physically do that to me, and I pushed him back,

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Speaker 2: and it just kept happening. Were pushing each other back

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Speaker 2: and forth until he pinned me down, and I realized

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Speaker 2: in that moment, I was like, Okay, well, I can't

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Speaker 2: fight back, but I was so angry at him for

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Speaker 2: doing that to me. I wasn't actually quite fearful at

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Speaker 2: that point. I was just angry, like how dare you

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Speaker 2: push me? That really progressed throughout our marriage. Quite early on.

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Speaker 2: It escalated and it would start with pushing and shoving,

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Speaker 2: and then it would start with getting me down on

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Speaker 2: all fours and he would just be kneeing me and

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00:16:35,968 --> 00:16:41,448
Speaker 2: hurting me quite a lot. And till one day we

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Speaker 2: were having another argument. And I can't even tell you

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Speaker 2: what the argument was about. There were never anything big,

278
00:16:48,768 --> 00:16:51,408
Speaker 2: about anything big. It was just really standard stuff. And

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Speaker 2: he grabbed a knife out of the knife block and

280
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Speaker 2: he just started running at me, and I remember like

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Speaker 2: at that point opening the door. This was still maybe

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Speaker 2: like six weeks after getting married at sclated very quickly

283
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Speaker 2: and I just ran and I was trying to get

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Speaker 2: into my car, and I was shaking so much. I

285
00:17:19,168 --> 00:17:22,768
Speaker 2: couldn't unlock my car door. It took me so long

286
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Speaker 2: to just try to steady my hand, and I couldn't

287
00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:27,207
Speaker 2: even put it in the ignition to drive away. I

288
00:17:27,328 --> 00:17:30,608
Speaker 2: just locked it and I was screaming. At that moment,

289
00:17:30,688 --> 00:17:34,048
Speaker 2: I thought I was going to die. And as soon

290
00:17:34,048 --> 00:17:36,168
Speaker 2: as I got out the front of the house, he

291
00:17:36,248 --> 00:17:41,967
Speaker 2: walked back inside. Because something that drove Luke was his

292
00:17:42,128 --> 00:17:45,288
Speaker 2: perception how people perceived him, and he did not want

293
00:17:45,448 --> 00:17:50,408
Speaker 2: anyone to see what he was doing to me. I

294
00:17:50,528 --> 00:17:55,407
Speaker 2: drove to my parents' house. I told my mum and

295
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Speaker 2: my dad. My dad sat me down and he said

296
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Speaker 2: to me, Bella, you need to put a stop to

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00:18:02,328 --> 00:18:05,048
Speaker 2: this now, because if you don't nip this in the butt,

298
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Speaker 2: he's going to think that this behavior is okay. This

299
00:18:08,728 --> 00:18:12,608
Speaker 2: is an intimidation and he's trying to bully you. My mum,

300
00:18:12,968 --> 00:18:17,328
Speaker 2: on the other hand, had a different opinion. Her response

301
00:18:17,368 --> 00:18:21,928
Speaker 2: to me was, well, what did you do? And then

302
00:18:22,008 --> 00:18:25,248
Speaker 2: she said to me, well, look, your dad's done things

303
00:18:25,288 --> 00:18:27,768
Speaker 2: to me in the past. You just need to not provoke.

304
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Speaker 2: I didn't know what to do. I didn't go to

305
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Speaker 2: the police. I internalized it. I felt so sorry for him.

306
00:18:36,168 --> 00:18:39,848
Speaker 2: It was always my fault. Whatever he did, it was

307
00:18:39,888 --> 00:18:43,968
Speaker 2: my fault. And after having that conversation with my parents

308
00:18:44,008 --> 00:18:46,968
Speaker 2: and went back to where we were living, and I said,

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Speaker 2: this can't keep happening. I told him that we need

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Speaker 2: to go to our pastor and we need to talk

311
00:18:52,208 --> 00:18:55,167
Speaker 2: about what's going on, because he needed some kind of

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00:18:55,208 --> 00:18:57,728
Speaker 2: counseling to deal with his anger, because he would just

313
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Speaker 2: lose it. So he agreed to go to the pastor.

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Speaker 2: We went to the pastor, and the same thing that

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00:19:04,408 --> 00:19:06,568
Speaker 2: my mom said was what this pastor said to me.

316
00:19:07,048 --> 00:19:09,568
Speaker 2: Luke was looked at by this particular pastor as like

317
00:19:09,608 --> 00:19:13,688
Speaker 2: the up and coming. He was certainly quote unquote special

318
00:19:13,808 --> 00:19:16,168
Speaker 2: in his eyes, and he thought the world of him.

319
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Speaker 2: And so his advice to me was that to not provoke.

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Speaker 2: As a woman, what we were taught about was being

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00:19:24,528 --> 00:19:29,768
Speaker 2: submissive and that men get angry and you need to

322
00:19:29,848 --> 00:19:33,568
Speaker 2: just kind of really try to simmer things down. When

323
00:19:33,568 --> 00:19:37,488
Speaker 2: we got back, it didn't take long. Four things to

324
00:19:37,528 --> 00:19:42,768
Speaker 2: continue to escalate, and things escalated for a really long time.

325
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Speaker 2: It stated a lot of pushing, a lot of shoving.

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Speaker 2: There was a few more other knife incidences which were

327
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Speaker 2: similar getting thrown out of cars, and I just remember

328
00:19:55,768 --> 00:19:59,088
Speaker 2: feeling so overwhelmed and perplexed at the situation that I

329
00:19:59,168 --> 00:20:02,488
Speaker 2: was in, and that feeling of being stuck started to

330
00:20:02,568 --> 00:20:06,008
Speaker 2: hit me hard, and I realized at that point that

331
00:20:06,048 --> 00:20:11,488
Speaker 2: this was my life moving forward, and I I couldn't

332
00:20:11,528 --> 00:20:16,968
Speaker 2: believe that this man that I loved wholeheartedly with every

333
00:20:17,048 --> 00:20:22,407
Speaker 2: fiber of my being, would want to hurt me. And

334
00:20:22,568 --> 00:20:25,848
Speaker 2: the only way I could compartmentalize it at that point

335
00:20:25,968 --> 00:20:30,688
Speaker 2: was that if I blame me, Luke would use suicide

336
00:20:30,808 --> 00:20:34,648
Speaker 2: quite a lot after every time he would physically abuse

337
00:20:34,728 --> 00:20:38,447
Speaker 2: me that if I was to go anywhere, if I

338
00:20:38,608 --> 00:20:41,128
Speaker 2: was to tell anyone, that he would kill himself, and

339
00:20:41,168 --> 00:20:44,888
Speaker 2: so that weighed very heavily on me. We would have

340
00:20:44,968 --> 00:20:48,568
Speaker 2: good days, and we would have days where we would

341
00:20:48,568 --> 00:20:52,568
Speaker 2: get on, we would laugh. There was always a sense

342
00:20:52,608 --> 00:20:56,528
Speaker 2: that he was better than me. Always. He would always

343
00:20:57,208 --> 00:21:01,568
Speaker 2: subtly put me down, and it was almost like being

344
00:21:01,648 --> 00:21:06,568
Speaker 2: with someone that kind of had to put up with you,

345
00:21:06,808 --> 00:21:10,128
Speaker 2: but hated you. That's what it felt like. Honestly, every

346
00:21:10,208 --> 00:21:13,848
Speaker 2: day of our marriage, I just remember feeling so annoying,

347
00:21:14,488 --> 00:21:17,888
Speaker 2: like the most irritating person I think on the planet,

348
00:21:17,968 --> 00:21:21,048
Speaker 2: Like why am I so annoying? And the one thing

349
00:21:21,088 --> 00:21:24,128
Speaker 2: that would really set him off quite a lot would

350
00:21:24,128 --> 00:21:29,248
Speaker 2: be when I would raise my voice. And I would

351
00:21:29,328 --> 00:21:31,688
Speaker 2: raise my voice. At the beginning of our marriage, when

352
00:21:31,728 --> 00:21:35,528
Speaker 2: the physical abuse started, I had a few traumatic events,

353
00:21:35,648 --> 00:21:39,848
Speaker 2: especially the knife incident. My first reaction was to scream

354
00:21:39,888 --> 00:21:44,888
Speaker 2: for help, genuinely scream for help. He was so conscious

355
00:21:45,008 --> 00:21:49,008
Speaker 2: of his image that that was the thing that would

356
00:21:49,048 --> 00:21:52,888
Speaker 2: set him off to be more abusive and would get

357
00:21:53,008 --> 00:21:57,088
Speaker 2: more angry. And when I say angry, I mean I

358
00:21:57,128 --> 00:22:00,208
Speaker 2: would know when it was coming, when he would snap.

359
00:22:00,408 --> 00:22:04,207
Speaker 2: His whole demeanor and his whole face would change, and

360
00:22:04,248 --> 00:22:05,927
Speaker 2: I would look at his eyes and he was not

361
00:22:06,168 --> 00:22:09,608
Speaker 2: thinking rationally, and I have this vivid memory in my

362
00:22:09,888 --> 00:22:15,368
Speaker 2: brain of going okay. I learned how to get through

363
00:22:15,408 --> 00:22:19,888
Speaker 2: those situations, and that was I couldn't yell anymore. I

364
00:22:19,928 --> 00:22:22,568
Speaker 2: would put my head down, I would roll my shoulders down,

365
00:22:22,608 --> 00:22:25,248
Speaker 2: and I would look at the ground and I would

366
00:22:25,288 --> 00:22:31,368
Speaker 2: just I would just want it to be over. And

367
00:22:31,408 --> 00:22:35,927
Speaker 2: I knew the smaller I would make myself maybe the

368
00:22:36,008 --> 00:22:42,528
Speaker 2: less angry he would be at me, until the behavior

369
00:22:42,768 --> 00:22:45,568
Speaker 2: with that would it started to get a little bit scarier.

370
00:22:45,568 --> 00:22:48,528
Speaker 2: And that was he would whenever he would do anything,

371
00:22:48,568 --> 00:22:50,648
Speaker 2: he would smother me with a pillow and that would

372
00:22:50,688 --> 00:22:53,168
Speaker 2: go over my face, so he knew I couldn't yell

373
00:22:53,208 --> 00:22:55,568
Speaker 2: for help. Or he would stand by the front door

374
00:22:55,568 --> 00:22:57,768
Speaker 2: and he would always snatch my phone from me, and

375
00:22:57,808 --> 00:22:59,528
Speaker 2: he would break my things in front of me, so

376
00:22:59,568 --> 00:23:02,048
Speaker 2: he knew I couldn't contact. He would smash my laptops.

377
00:23:02,048 --> 00:23:05,447
Speaker 2: I mean I went through that many phones, that many laptops.

378
00:23:05,648 --> 00:23:09,368
Speaker 1: Despite the abuse, Bella still loved Luke and felt compelled

379
00:23:09,368 --> 00:23:12,728
Speaker 1: to protect him. After all, he was her husband. To her,

380
00:23:12,928 --> 00:23:16,568
Speaker 1: this behavior seemed normal, especially since the person she loved

381
00:23:16,568 --> 00:23:18,968
Speaker 1: and trusted most reinforced that belief.

382
00:23:19,408 --> 00:23:23,888
Speaker 2: My mother was a very important person in my life.

383
00:23:23,888 --> 00:23:27,208
Speaker 2: We were very close, and I went to her for everything,

384
00:23:28,168 --> 00:23:31,568
Speaker 2: and her reinforcement of his behavior was sort of what

385
00:23:31,768 --> 00:23:36,768
Speaker 2: solidified it for me. I think I went back to

386
00:23:36,848 --> 00:23:40,048
Speaker 2: her for that reassurance to be like, is this isn't okay?

387
00:23:40,168 --> 00:23:40,448
Speaker 1: Is it?

388
00:23:40,608 --> 00:23:43,888
Speaker 2: And I didn't get that. I got this is okay.

389
00:23:45,168 --> 00:23:49,328
Speaker 2: And I think once again, like the idea of my

390
00:23:49,488 --> 00:23:54,167
Speaker 2: mom being you know, this idea of like the solid

391
00:23:54,208 --> 00:23:58,207
Speaker 2: foundation in your love for life, for love, for safety,

392
00:23:59,128 --> 00:24:04,248
Speaker 2: for consistency. She was backing up that behavior. And so

393
00:24:04,488 --> 00:24:07,687
Speaker 2: the influences in my life that was most important to

394
00:24:07,688 --> 00:24:11,008
Speaker 2: me were all saying the same thing, and so how

395
00:24:11,048 --> 00:24:15,008
Speaker 2: could I think any different. I never spoke to anyone

396
00:24:15,048 --> 00:24:18,927
Speaker 2: else besides the pastor and my mum, And the reason

397
00:24:18,968 --> 00:24:22,368
Speaker 2: for that is I felt this huge amount of loyalty

398
00:24:22,368 --> 00:24:24,808
Speaker 2: and protection for him. I wanted to protect him. I

399
00:24:24,808 --> 00:24:29,208
Speaker 2: didn't want anyone to think of him badly. I totally

400
00:24:29,288 --> 00:24:32,888
Speaker 2: and wholeheartedly believed I was causing him to act that way,

401
00:24:33,408 --> 00:24:36,928
Speaker 2: that I was deserving of that behavior, and I felt

402
00:24:36,968 --> 00:24:39,368
Speaker 2: sorry for him. I felt sorry that he had to

403
00:24:39,408 --> 00:24:42,288
Speaker 2: put up with me, that he had to do those

404
00:24:42,328 --> 00:24:45,488
Speaker 2: things to me, and that he might feel upset that

405
00:24:45,568 --> 00:24:48,568
Speaker 2: he did those things to me, And I was so

406
00:24:48,808 --> 00:24:53,248
Speaker 2: terrified of him ending his own life that I just

407
00:24:53,368 --> 00:24:56,408
Speaker 2: wanted to protect him. I loved him, I loved him

408
00:24:56,448 --> 00:25:03,448
Speaker 2: with every ounce of my being. I just loved him,

409
00:25:03,528 --> 00:25:07,128
Speaker 2: and I wanted to make him happy. But I knew

410
00:25:07,168 --> 00:25:10,488
Speaker 2: I couldn't make him happy, and I just felt like

411
00:25:10,488 --> 00:25:13,088
Speaker 2: I was I was making him so miserable and not

412
00:25:13,168 --> 00:25:16,808
Speaker 2: even aware of how any of this was affecting me. Yeah,

413
00:25:16,808 --> 00:25:18,687
Speaker 2: I had no idea where I was being abused, and

414
00:25:18,808 --> 00:25:21,528
Speaker 2: no clue I thought I was deserving of all of it.

415
00:25:22,728 --> 00:25:25,728
Speaker 2: I just learned to be quiet. I learned to not

416
00:25:25,808 --> 00:25:28,928
Speaker 2: pipe up, I learned to not try to defend myself

417
00:25:28,968 --> 00:25:33,288
Speaker 2: to argue. I was pretty defeated, and as time went on,

418
00:25:33,648 --> 00:25:38,967
Speaker 2: I started to get more and more depressed, more anxious.

419
00:25:40,008 --> 00:25:45,568
Speaker 2: I started to feel quite disconnected from the world. I

420
00:25:45,608 --> 00:25:49,167
Speaker 2: felt like I was existing, but I was not living.

421
00:25:49,328 --> 00:25:55,528
Speaker 2: And I was also incredibly lonely, incredibly lonely, and trying

422
00:25:55,568 --> 00:25:58,008
Speaker 2: to grapple with the idea that this is the decision

423
00:25:58,048 --> 00:26:00,447
Speaker 2: that I've made and this is going to be my

424
00:26:00,528 --> 00:26:06,608
Speaker 2: life now moving forward. We decided that we wanted to

425
00:26:06,648 --> 00:26:09,328
Speaker 2: have a child. I always wanted to be a mum,

426
00:26:10,448 --> 00:26:15,128
Speaker 2: and we had to go through the IVF process. As

427
00:26:15,168 --> 00:26:17,928
Speaker 2: anyone knows, the whole IVF process can be like quite

428
00:26:18,048 --> 00:26:22,288
Speaker 2: taxing and very emotional, and we were so blessed to

429
00:26:22,288 --> 00:26:27,128
Speaker 2: have fallen pregnant and it be successful, and I was

430
00:26:27,328 --> 00:26:32,488
Speaker 2: over the moon. I finally had something beautiful and knew

431
00:26:32,488 --> 00:26:34,568
Speaker 2: in my life that I could shift my focus to.

432
00:26:35,568 --> 00:26:40,967
Speaker 2: But unfortunately that time is when the abuse probably was

433
00:26:41,008 --> 00:26:45,968
Speaker 2: at its worst. He began to start strangling me. So

434
00:26:46,048 --> 00:26:48,407
Speaker 2: he would smother me with pillows and then he would

435
00:26:48,448 --> 00:26:52,888
Speaker 2: strangle me. And I remember I was about eight months pregnant,

436
00:26:53,048 --> 00:26:56,328
Speaker 2: so I was very pregnant, and I remember him being

437
00:26:56,368 --> 00:26:59,408
Speaker 2: on top of me on the bed and he had

438
00:26:59,448 --> 00:27:03,727
Speaker 2: his hands around my neck and I would usually just

439
00:27:04,088 --> 00:27:06,248
Speaker 2: wait for the anger to pass them, for the situation

440
00:27:06,408 --> 00:27:10,368
Speaker 2: to pass, but I remember feeling this innate of like

441
00:27:11,128 --> 00:27:15,648
Speaker 2: just absolute fear, and I remember looking at him just

442
00:27:15,728 --> 00:27:21,048
Speaker 2: begging him, please, I've got your baby, Like, just for

443
00:27:21,128 --> 00:27:21,808
Speaker 2: your baby.

444
00:27:23,288 --> 00:27:28,608
Speaker 3: I don't care about me, for your baby, because I thought,

445
00:27:28,648 --> 00:27:32,088
Speaker 3: in that moment, if he doesn't care about me, but

446
00:27:32,408 --> 00:27:34,968
Speaker 3: I'm holding his child, I'm growing his child.

447
00:27:34,688 --> 00:27:37,368
Speaker 2: To the point that it's I'm close to giving birth.

448
00:27:37,408 --> 00:27:40,968
Speaker 2: This is a full baby. That scared me because I thought,

449
00:27:41,168 --> 00:27:43,728
Speaker 2: I don't know what's going to stop him from maybe

450
00:27:43,768 --> 00:27:48,248
Speaker 2: one day taking this too far. I throughout my pregnancy

451
00:27:48,408 --> 00:27:51,848
Speaker 2: was very very anxious, so I was very depressed. There

452
00:27:51,888 --> 00:27:55,488
Speaker 2: was a lot of abuse. I mean, I gave birth

453
00:27:55,808 --> 00:28:01,407
Speaker 2: to a beautiful, healthy baby boy, and the joy I

454
00:28:01,448 --> 00:28:05,008
Speaker 2: felt on the day that I had him was like

455
00:28:05,088 --> 00:28:07,808
Speaker 2: nothing I've ever felt in my life. And I remember

456
00:28:08,368 --> 00:28:11,328
Speaker 2: feeling so full of adrenaline that I was like, I

457
00:28:11,368 --> 00:28:13,368
Speaker 2: think I could run a marathon. And I felt like

458
00:28:13,408 --> 00:28:15,448
Speaker 2: the only woman ever in the world that had ever

459
00:28:15,488 --> 00:28:17,528
Speaker 2: given birth to a baby. And I remember just walking

460
00:28:17,528 --> 00:28:22,808
Speaker 2: around my ward with my baby and just looking at people, going,

461
00:28:23,128 --> 00:28:25,488
Speaker 2: have you seen my baby? I just had a baby.

462
00:28:26,168 --> 00:28:29,967
Speaker 2: I was so proud and I was so happy. It

463
00:28:30,048 --> 00:28:35,808
Speaker 2: was just the best time, and my child just brought

464
00:28:36,008 --> 00:28:38,688
Speaker 2: a purpose for me. At that point, all of a sudden,

465
00:28:38,768 --> 00:28:43,248
Speaker 2: I had this greater purpose and this light it felt

466
00:28:43,688 --> 00:28:47,728
Speaker 2: to be able to love something and maybe for this

467
00:28:47,928 --> 00:28:51,208
Speaker 2: little human to love me back, and for me to

468
00:28:51,288 --> 00:28:54,848
Speaker 2: have something to focus on that would bring me some joy.

469
00:28:55,128 --> 00:29:00,288
Speaker 2: Luke was over the moon and was just obsessed with

470
00:29:01,168 --> 00:29:05,928
Speaker 2: our sun from day dot. He was super emotional on

471
00:29:05,968 --> 00:29:10,088
Speaker 2: the day that I had him, and he was very

472
00:29:10,128 --> 00:29:14,648
Speaker 2: active in his life, and you know, it was really

473
00:29:14,688 --> 00:29:18,728
Speaker 2: beautiful to see that bond between them. And we got

474
00:29:18,728 --> 00:29:22,448
Speaker 2: home from the hospital and unfortunately things started to just

475
00:29:22,528 --> 00:29:25,288
Speaker 2: go really bad again. I began to really struggle. I was,

476
00:29:25,848 --> 00:29:28,528
Speaker 2: as I mentioned, not great during my pregnancy. I was

477
00:29:28,648 --> 00:29:32,608
Speaker 2: very low and post baby blues, I think hit me

478
00:29:32,968 --> 00:29:37,368
Speaker 2: and he started to then really criticize me as a mother.

479
00:29:38,128 --> 00:29:41,888
Speaker 2: From the day we got home. I wasn't doing anything right.

480
00:29:41,928 --> 00:29:48,968
Speaker 2: I wasn't holding him right, and I wasn't coping. I

481
00:29:49,088 --> 00:29:51,808
Speaker 2: was overwhelmed with becoming a new mum that in itself

482
00:29:51,888 --> 00:29:56,048
Speaker 2: is a lot, and then just being critiqued. And then

483
00:29:56,648 --> 00:29:59,088
Speaker 2: he would call my mom and my mom would come

484
00:29:59,128 --> 00:30:02,888
Speaker 2: over and they would talk, and then she would be

485
00:30:02,968 --> 00:30:06,008
Speaker 2: there critiquing me as well, and it was almost like

486
00:30:06,048 --> 00:30:09,368
Speaker 2: they were tagged teaming it and I felt I remember

487
00:30:09,448 --> 00:30:14,168
Speaker 2: feeling like I'm also a shit mum. I'm a shit person,

488
00:30:14,728 --> 00:30:19,128
Speaker 2: and now I'm a really shit mum. And I had

489
00:30:19,168 --> 00:30:22,568
Speaker 2: this instinct of just wanting to run away, like I

490
00:30:22,608 --> 00:30:26,168
Speaker 2: thought this was my out, this was the thing that

491
00:30:26,208 --> 00:30:28,928
Speaker 2: I wanted so badly, and I've got it, and now

492
00:30:29,128 --> 00:30:31,528
Speaker 2: these people have come in and they're going to take

493
00:30:31,568 --> 00:30:35,808
Speaker 2: that from me as well. It was probably three days

494
00:30:35,848 --> 00:30:38,208
Speaker 2: after I had my son. We'd just gotten home from

495
00:30:38,288 --> 00:30:40,248
Speaker 2: the hospital and was standing in the hallway and he

496
00:30:40,288 --> 00:30:44,968
Speaker 2: was yelling at me over something and he was holding

497
00:30:45,048 --> 00:30:51,168
Speaker 2: our son. And this was the only time he had

498
00:30:51,208 --> 00:30:54,968
Speaker 2: slapped me with an open palm across the face before,

499
00:30:55,088 --> 00:30:59,848
Speaker 2: but he took his hands up and he just punched

500
00:30:59,888 --> 00:31:03,768
Speaker 2: me straight in the face and essentially knocked me over

501
00:31:03,848 --> 00:31:08,208
Speaker 2: and broke my nose. And I couldn't believe that he

502
00:31:08,288 --> 00:31:10,768
Speaker 2: had just so openly just done that in front of

503
00:31:10,808 --> 00:31:15,728
Speaker 2: a newborn baby. Here's me. I had had a cesarean,

504
00:31:15,848 --> 00:31:19,088
Speaker 2: I was very weak, I had just given birth. I'm

505
00:31:19,128 --> 00:31:23,888
Speaker 2: feeling overwhelmed as a new mum, I'm being critiqued, and

506
00:31:23,928 --> 00:31:29,688
Speaker 2: then that and that did it for me. I just

507
00:31:30,488 --> 00:31:35,288
Speaker 2: I switched off. After that, I completely disconnected. I was

508
00:31:35,328 --> 00:31:39,688
Speaker 2: completely dissociated, and I struggled to bond with my son

509
00:31:39,768 --> 00:31:43,728
Speaker 2: from that point moving forward, I didn't even feel like

510
00:31:43,808 --> 00:31:46,568
Speaker 2: I was on planet Earth. That was a really weird situation.

511
00:31:46,968 --> 00:31:51,168
Speaker 2: I didn't even know what it was, and I ended

512
00:31:51,248 --> 00:31:54,248
Speaker 2: up seeing a psychologist because it began to really scare me.

513
00:31:54,408 --> 00:31:59,848
Speaker 2: And that's disassociation. Yeah, I guess that sort of started

514
00:32:00,048 --> 00:32:05,088
Speaker 2: my journey of figuring out, maybe this situation that I'm

515
00:32:05,168 --> 00:32:09,088
Speaker 2: in isn't right. Why am I feeling this way? Maybe

516
00:32:09,088 --> 00:32:14,768
Speaker 2: this isn't normal, Maybe he doesn't love me, maybe I'm

517
00:32:14,808 --> 00:32:18,208
Speaker 2: not a terrible person. But it was also very difficult

518
00:32:18,248 --> 00:32:21,728
Speaker 2: because I felt like I didn't have anyone in my

519
00:32:21,848 --> 00:32:25,488
Speaker 2: corner helping me. I felt incredibly manipulated, and I was

520
00:32:25,568 --> 00:32:29,408
Speaker 2: quite manipulated, really brainwashed from a child growing up in

521
00:32:29,448 --> 00:32:32,608
Speaker 2: this church, and I had never thought for myself. I'd

522
00:32:32,648 --> 00:32:38,288
Speaker 2: never even researched about abuse or even what I want.

523
00:32:38,688 --> 00:32:41,568
Speaker 2: I was taught the religion that we have is that

524
00:32:41,648 --> 00:32:45,808
Speaker 2: you die to yourself, meaning this life, you die to

525
00:32:45,848 --> 00:32:48,848
Speaker 2: what is good. You sacrifice if you live a hard

526
00:32:48,968 --> 00:32:52,128
Speaker 2: life here, if you bear those burdens of the choices

527
00:32:52,168 --> 00:32:54,728
Speaker 2: that you've made and the repercussions of those, your reward

528
00:32:54,808 --> 00:32:57,488
Speaker 2: is in heaven. But I remember thinking, I'm not going

529
00:32:57,568 --> 00:33:00,648
Speaker 2: to survive much longer. I can't keep living like this.

530
00:33:01,128 --> 00:33:05,208
Speaker 2: So what do I do is just the ultimate sacrifice

531
00:33:05,248 --> 00:33:08,808
Speaker 2: to God, that I am completely sacrificing my well being,

532
00:33:08,888 --> 00:33:12,568
Speaker 2: my happiness life for him. Does he actually want that

533
00:33:12,648 --> 00:33:14,968
Speaker 2: from me? I don't understand why he would want me

534
00:33:15,008 --> 00:33:15,488
Speaker 2: to suffer.

535
00:33:16,328 --> 00:33:18,928
Speaker 1: Bella and Luke had been married for almost twelve years,

536
00:33:18,968 --> 00:33:21,488
Speaker 1: and in a last diage effort to find some answers

537
00:33:21,528 --> 00:33:24,888
Speaker 1: and reassurance, Bella went to speak with her pastor, the

538
00:33:24,968 --> 00:33:27,128
Speaker 1: same one she and Luke had sat down with when

539
00:33:27,168 --> 00:33:28,688
Speaker 1: the abuse had originally started.

540
00:33:29,328 --> 00:33:33,528
Speaker 2: I wanted to let him know that due to like

541
00:33:33,648 --> 00:33:39,088
Speaker 2: his negligence, that things had escalated so bad, and how

542
00:33:39,168 --> 00:33:41,648
Speaker 2: much that had impacted my life and really ruined a

543
00:33:41,648 --> 00:33:44,328
Speaker 2: lot of my life and my sense of self and

544
00:33:44,608 --> 00:33:49,128
Speaker 2: my quality of life and so much. And I mighted

545
00:33:49,288 --> 00:33:51,088
Speaker 2: him and I was like, look, you know, I remember

546
00:33:51,128 --> 00:33:52,768
Speaker 2: coming to you all these years ago when I was

547
00:33:52,808 --> 00:33:55,568
Speaker 2: so young, and you didn't nip it in the bar.

548
00:33:55,768 --> 00:33:58,448
Speaker 2: You didn't sit him down and say, hey, if you're

549
00:33:58,448 --> 00:34:01,248
Speaker 2: feeling angry, you need to learn how to manage your emotions.

550
00:34:01,288 --> 00:34:04,528
Speaker 2: You need to figure out you can't do that. Doesn't

551
00:34:04,608 --> 00:34:07,248
Speaker 2: matter how angry you get, you can't do that. And

552
00:34:07,528 --> 00:34:09,647
Speaker 2: I went in detail into all the abuse and what

553
00:34:09,688 --> 00:34:14,368
Speaker 2: I had gone through, and he sat there and he

554
00:34:14,567 --> 00:34:18,568
Speaker 2: smiled at me, and then he said, after telling him everything,

555
00:34:19,648 --> 00:34:24,288
Speaker 2: he said, I just want to thank you for being

556
00:34:24,608 --> 00:34:28,128
Speaker 2: so loyal to your husband and for protecting him for

557
00:34:28,208 --> 00:34:33,448
Speaker 2: all of these years, And my jaw almost hit the floor.

558
00:34:35,368 --> 00:34:39,488
Speaker 2: I just looked at him and I was like, you're

559
00:34:39,528 --> 00:34:41,448
Speaker 2: never going to get it. Like at that moment, I

560
00:34:41,488 --> 00:34:44,688
Speaker 2: realized these people, there is no getting through to these people,

561
00:34:44,888 --> 00:34:48,288
Speaker 2: like there's no getting through to it. And what if

562
00:34:48,328 --> 00:34:50,968
Speaker 2: I wasn't here anymore? What would you say? Would you

563
00:34:51,008 --> 00:34:53,527
Speaker 2: be proud? Would you be happy? And that's exactly the

564
00:34:53,608 --> 00:34:55,527
Speaker 2: narrative that I had in my own mind, and that

565
00:34:55,608 --> 00:34:57,848
Speaker 2: backed up exactly why I felt like I didn't have

566
00:34:57,928 --> 00:35:00,968
Speaker 2: an option was because you endure that that's a part

567
00:35:01,008 --> 00:35:04,328
Speaker 2: of life, that's what you should put up with. And

568
00:35:04,528 --> 00:35:07,208
Speaker 2: just something inside of me didn't feel right. I just

569
00:35:07,328 --> 00:35:11,328
Speaker 2: was like, this can't be okay, this can't be. I

570
00:35:11,328 --> 00:35:14,968
Speaker 2: remember calling around different churches. I was so terrified of

571
00:35:15,088 --> 00:35:19,127
Speaker 2: going to hell, like so terrified of this idea of

572
00:35:19,168 --> 00:35:22,448
Speaker 2: like eternal torture, which is what we were taught, that

573
00:35:22,488 --> 00:35:25,248
Speaker 2: I started calling churches and I said, hey, like, what

574
00:35:25,328 --> 00:35:27,527
Speaker 2: would you say if you were an abusive marriage and

575
00:35:27,928 --> 00:35:31,528
Speaker 2: someone left, or someone committed adultery and had an affair.

576
00:35:31,608 --> 00:35:33,328
Speaker 2: Do you think that's still burn in hell? And I

577
00:35:33,328 --> 00:35:35,968
Speaker 2: remember the past is going well, well, no, I mean

578
00:35:36,168 --> 00:35:38,728
Speaker 2: that's not I don't think where in the Bible does

579
00:35:38,728 --> 00:35:40,248
Speaker 2: it say that I need to know in the Bible.

580
00:35:40,608 --> 00:35:43,408
Speaker 2: There were very much a took the Bible literally in

581
00:35:43,488 --> 00:35:46,008
Speaker 2: what they preached, and there was nothing in there about that.

582
00:35:46,848 --> 00:35:49,288
Speaker 2: And I didn't feel sure that what they were telling

583
00:35:49,328 --> 00:35:51,527
Speaker 2: me was right, because we were also taught in my

584
00:35:51,648 --> 00:35:54,208
Speaker 2: church that we were the chosen ones that all the

585
00:35:54,248 --> 00:35:56,728
Speaker 2: other churches we weren't allowed to mix with because they

586
00:35:56,728 --> 00:35:59,408
Speaker 2: would call it their doctrine or their teaching was incorrect,

587
00:35:59,488 --> 00:36:04,087
Speaker 2: and they made it suit the current times where it shouldn't.

588
00:36:04,288 --> 00:36:07,168
Speaker 2: You need to stay faithful to what the Bible says,

589
00:36:07,568 --> 00:36:10,567
Speaker 2: and so I didn't even believe that. So at that

590
00:36:10,768 --> 00:36:13,728
Speaker 2: point I decided I knew. I was like, well, look,

591
00:36:14,368 --> 00:36:19,087
Speaker 2: I think that my fate is hell, and I think

592
00:36:19,088 --> 00:36:20,648
Speaker 2: I'm going to be cursed.

593
00:36:20,568 --> 00:36:24,048
Speaker 1: Fate asighed Bella was sure of one thing she needed

594
00:36:24,048 --> 00:36:24,567
Speaker 1: to get out.

595
00:36:24,888 --> 00:36:30,368
Speaker 2: After that punch, I stopped loving my husband. I just

596
00:36:32,008 --> 00:36:36,448
Speaker 2: I hated him. I hated him. I was so angry

597
00:36:36,488 --> 00:36:41,128
Speaker 2: at him. I felt numbness towards him. I felt numbness

598
00:36:41,128 --> 00:36:43,888
Speaker 2: towards most things in life, but I felt this sense

599
00:36:43,928 --> 00:36:48,608
Speaker 2: of just disgust, and I used to ask him. I

600
00:36:48,728 --> 00:36:52,808
Speaker 2: asked him every day. I think, for like two years,

601
00:36:52,968 --> 00:36:54,808
Speaker 2: I want to go. I want to leave. I want

602
00:36:54,808 --> 00:36:57,848
Speaker 2: to leave. I want to leave. And the thing to

603
00:36:58,008 --> 00:37:01,567
Speaker 2: understand the context here is that in the church that

604
00:37:01,608 --> 00:37:04,528
Speaker 2: I was in is that if you leave a marriage,

605
00:37:04,608 --> 00:37:08,368
Speaker 2: you don't just lose your marriage, you lose your whole community.

606
00:37:08,808 --> 00:37:11,527
Speaker 2: No one is allowed to talk to you ever again. Ever,

607
00:37:12,088 --> 00:37:15,647
Speaker 2: Every lifelong friend I had, every support person I had,

608
00:37:15,648 --> 00:37:18,608
Speaker 2: would go, and so I was like, I didn't feel

609
00:37:18,648 --> 00:37:20,687
Speaker 2: like I had the strength to do it on my own.

610
00:37:21,168 --> 00:37:25,527
Speaker 2: I don't know why he wanted me to stay so bad.

611
00:37:25,648 --> 00:37:28,928
Speaker 2: When he I felt like he hated me so much,

612
00:37:29,768 --> 00:37:32,047
Speaker 2: and I would ask him, let me go, let me go,

613
00:37:32,568 --> 00:37:34,888
Speaker 2: We're gonna go. Who's gonna love you. No one's gonna

614
00:37:34,928 --> 00:37:37,248
Speaker 2: love you like I love you. That was his line,

615
00:37:38,288 --> 00:37:42,608
Speaker 2: and that stuck in my brain so much. I didn't

616
00:37:42,608 --> 00:37:45,448
Speaker 2: think I was worthy of love. I didn't think I

617
00:37:45,448 --> 00:37:47,527
Speaker 2: didn't think I was worthy of anything. But all I

618
00:37:47,568 --> 00:37:50,008
Speaker 2: knew was that I couldn't keep going. I would get

619
00:37:50,048 --> 00:37:52,408
Speaker 2: boils that would come up on my skin ever since

620
00:37:52,448 --> 00:37:55,288
Speaker 2: I got married, these big boils, and I've got scars

621
00:37:55,288 --> 00:37:58,208
Speaker 2: all over my hands and my feet from them because

622
00:37:58,208 --> 00:38:02,648
Speaker 2: of the toxicity in that environment. My body was just

623
00:38:03,688 --> 00:38:06,528
Speaker 2: it was just dying on the inside, and I felt

624
00:38:06,728 --> 00:38:10,808
Speaker 2: dead on the inside. And it got to a point.

625
00:38:11,528 --> 00:38:14,888
Speaker 2: My son was four, and at this point I had

626
00:38:14,968 --> 00:38:20,208
Speaker 2: lived for at least two years just completely having no

627
00:38:20,328 --> 00:38:23,047
Speaker 2: feeling about anything. Not even about my son. I looked

628
00:38:23,088 --> 00:38:25,527
Speaker 2: after my son. I always made sure I'd fake it.

629
00:38:25,608 --> 00:38:28,328
Speaker 2: I would fake the love. I'd fake hug him, i'd

630
00:38:28,328 --> 00:38:31,408
Speaker 2: fake kiss him. I loved him with every ounce of

631
00:38:31,448 --> 00:38:34,928
Speaker 2: my being my son, like I can't even put into words,

632
00:38:34,968 --> 00:38:37,408
Speaker 2: but I couldn't feel like I couldn't And it was

633
00:38:37,648 --> 00:38:40,648
Speaker 2: the most horrible experience that I was like, I can't

634
00:38:40,688 --> 00:38:43,888
Speaker 2: actually do another day of this. And in that moment,

635
00:38:44,688 --> 00:38:48,087
Speaker 2: I made a decision that I had two options, that

636
00:38:48,208 --> 00:38:53,567
Speaker 2: I actually physically couldn't live in that environment anymore, and

637
00:38:53,608 --> 00:38:57,288
Speaker 2: that I either end my life or I get out,

638
00:38:57,768 --> 00:39:00,608
Speaker 2: and I knew how to get out, and that was

639
00:39:00,688 --> 00:39:07,648
Speaker 2: to sleep with someone else. And the only thing that

640
00:39:07,728 --> 00:39:11,408
Speaker 2: made me choose that second option was my son, because

641
00:39:11,568 --> 00:39:15,288
Speaker 2: I had this glimmer of hope in me that maybe

642
00:39:16,248 --> 00:39:20,888
Speaker 2: one day I would feel maybe one day I would

643
00:39:20,888 --> 00:39:24,808
Speaker 2: feel happy again and I could love again, and I

644
00:39:24,928 --> 00:39:26,888
Speaker 2: just had to take the chance of that could be

645
00:39:26,928 --> 00:39:32,448
Speaker 2: a possibility. So sleeping with someone outside of marriage in

646
00:39:32,768 --> 00:39:35,488
Speaker 2: the church that I was in is called committing adultery,

647
00:39:35,648 --> 00:39:39,568
Speaker 2: and committing adultery that and death is the only ways

648
00:39:39,728 --> 00:39:42,768
Speaker 2: that you get divorced and don't burn in hell. But

649
00:39:43,408 --> 00:39:47,928
Speaker 2: if you are the one that has an affair, you

650
00:39:48,008 --> 00:39:51,808
Speaker 2: can be forgiven. You can never remarry, you can never

651
00:39:51,848 --> 00:39:54,008
Speaker 2: have a relationship with someone else, because if you do,

652
00:39:54,128 --> 00:39:57,608
Speaker 2: or you're sitting every time. And I was taught to

653
00:39:57,608 --> 00:40:01,207
Speaker 2: believe that when that happens, your fate is hell, and

654
00:40:01,288 --> 00:40:07,408
Speaker 2: hell is burning eternally. I wholeheartedly feared that because that's

655
00:40:07,568 --> 00:40:11,047
Speaker 2: what I had been told my whole life. But then

656
00:40:11,088 --> 00:40:14,808
Speaker 2: also suicide. I believed was a sinner as well. So

657
00:40:14,928 --> 00:40:19,128
Speaker 2: I wasn't gonna win either way. And I knew that

658
00:40:19,288 --> 00:40:23,408
Speaker 2: by having an affair, I would need to live with

659
00:40:23,488 --> 00:40:26,928
Speaker 2: the shame of that as well. That didn't align with

660
00:40:26,968 --> 00:40:29,968
Speaker 2: who I was as a person, but I felt like

661
00:40:30,048 --> 00:40:32,648
Speaker 2: I didn't have any other option. And so there was

662
00:40:32,688 --> 00:40:35,448
Speaker 2: a guy that sent me a DM on Instagram that

663
00:40:35,568 --> 00:40:37,368
Speaker 2: I had bumped into at the gym, and I hadn't

664
00:40:37,448 --> 00:40:40,848
Speaker 2: entertained it, And then I entertained it. I messaged back

665
00:40:40,968 --> 00:40:43,768
Speaker 2: or messaging back and forth. I had never had sex

666
00:40:43,808 --> 00:40:45,928
Speaker 2: with anyone else. I'd never kissed anyone else. I've never

667
00:40:45,968 --> 00:40:49,488
Speaker 2: held anyone else's hand. I'd never done anything ever with

668
00:40:49,568 --> 00:40:53,008
Speaker 2: anybody else but my husband. So to go and actually

669
00:40:53,048 --> 00:40:55,368
Speaker 2: have sex with another man was a huge deal, and

670
00:40:55,528 --> 00:40:59,567
Speaker 2: at this point I was completely disassociated. I went over.

671
00:41:00,728 --> 00:41:05,168
Speaker 2: It wasn't something that was, you know, like hot and

672
00:41:05,248 --> 00:41:09,208
Speaker 2: heavy or lustful on my end. It was genuinely to

673
00:41:09,288 --> 00:41:12,968
Speaker 2: go there, do what I needed to do. And I

674
00:41:13,008 --> 00:41:15,368
Speaker 2: went back and I told him, and I said, let

675
00:41:15,368 --> 00:41:20,087
Speaker 2: me go. Can I go now? And his response was

676
00:41:20,128 --> 00:41:22,527
Speaker 2: exactly what I thought. He just looked at me in

677
00:41:22,648 --> 00:41:27,247
Speaker 2: absolute disgust and called me every horrible name under the sun,

678
00:41:27,728 --> 00:41:30,567
Speaker 2: and looked at my son and said, Mommy's leaving you

679
00:41:30,648 --> 00:41:43,488
Speaker 2: because she wants other boyfriends. And I left. Leaving meant

680
00:41:43,808 --> 00:41:46,968
Speaker 2: I knew the narrative in my community would be that

681
00:41:47,088 --> 00:41:50,248
Speaker 2: I cheated and that I had an affair, and I

682
00:41:50,328 --> 00:41:53,087
Speaker 2: knew that he would gain sympathy from that as being

683
00:41:53,728 --> 00:41:58,047
Speaker 2: the faithful husband. At that point, a few people knew

684
00:41:58,048 --> 00:42:02,008
Speaker 2: about the abuse, but it still wasn't. I actually remember

685
00:42:02,048 --> 00:42:04,688
Speaker 2: one of his friends saying, I don't care about what

686
00:42:04,728 --> 00:42:08,808
Speaker 2: you did, like she's a hoe, and that's what I was.

687
00:42:09,328 --> 00:42:10,968
Speaker 2: You know. I knew that was going to be in

688
00:42:11,008 --> 00:42:12,808
Speaker 2: the narrative, and that was something I had to carry

689
00:42:12,848 --> 00:42:17,888
Speaker 2: with me, that I was a cheater, that I wanted

690
00:42:17,928 --> 00:42:21,368
Speaker 2: to sleep around. But at that point I didn't care,

691
00:42:21,448 --> 00:42:24,288
Speaker 2: because I didn't care. I just had to get out,

692
00:42:24,408 --> 00:42:28,008
Speaker 2: and I knew that that was kind of the choice

693
00:42:28,008 --> 00:42:30,968
Speaker 2: that I needed to make if I wanted this potential

694
00:42:31,168 --> 00:42:38,088
Speaker 2: of another life and I lost everything. I told my parents.

695
00:42:38,768 --> 00:42:41,088
Speaker 2: My mom was obviously very disappointed in me, and I

696
00:42:41,128 --> 00:42:46,008
Speaker 2: knew that my mom wouldn't support me. She wanted me

697
00:42:46,048 --> 00:42:48,648
Speaker 2: to get back with him. There was no way I

698
00:42:48,688 --> 00:42:52,567
Speaker 2: was doing that. I lived in my car for a

699
00:42:52,608 --> 00:42:58,408
Speaker 2: few months. I lived with that guy from the gym

700
00:42:58,448 --> 00:43:00,488
Speaker 2: that I met, and he actually took me in. He

701
00:43:00,608 --> 00:43:05,608
Speaker 2: was very kind, I'm very thankful. Wasn't exactly ideal situation,

702
00:43:05,848 --> 00:43:09,248
Speaker 2: but he knew I had nowhere else to go. I

703
00:43:09,368 --> 00:43:12,567
Speaker 2: was just I was just surviving. I didn't see my

704
00:43:12,688 --> 00:43:15,368
Speaker 2: child for a while because he wouldn't allow me to.

705
00:43:15,408 --> 00:43:18,648
Speaker 2: I had nowhere to live. I ended up living in

706
00:43:18,768 --> 00:43:21,488
Speaker 2: eight homes within a space of two years. I jumped

707
00:43:21,488 --> 00:43:24,448
Speaker 2: from place to place, living in people's lunge rooms, living

708
00:43:24,448 --> 00:43:27,808
Speaker 2: in people's homes while they were away. I just was surviving.

709
00:43:27,968 --> 00:43:31,888
Speaker 2: I was just surviving. That's it all, is it? Big blur?

710
00:43:32,088 --> 00:43:37,288
Speaker 2: I've lost a lot of memory of that time. I

711
00:43:37,328 --> 00:43:40,848
Speaker 2: was able to eventually I reckon about six months. It

712
00:43:40,888 --> 00:43:43,728
Speaker 2: took me to get a rental and I started to

713
00:43:43,808 --> 00:43:46,848
Speaker 2: sort of start to rebuild. I didn't have any furniture

714
00:43:46,928 --> 00:43:49,368
Speaker 2: or anything like. I didn't even own a fork. I

715
00:43:49,528 --> 00:43:52,607
Speaker 2: had nothing. So I started from scratch and started to

716
00:43:52,808 --> 00:43:57,208
Speaker 2: like have a sense of building my own life. It

717
00:43:57,248 --> 00:44:00,408
Speaker 2: was very hard. It was very lonely, and I realized

718
00:44:00,448 --> 00:44:03,008
Speaker 2: at that point, like I need to try to make

719
00:44:03,048 --> 00:44:06,087
Speaker 2: some friends here, which is difficult when at this point

720
00:44:06,088 --> 00:44:11,408
Speaker 2: I'm thirty one, so I'm a grown woman. I've never

721
00:44:11,488 --> 00:44:14,488
Speaker 2: lived life. I've never stepped foot into a bar. I'd

722
00:44:14,528 --> 00:44:16,808
Speaker 2: only had my first drink of alcohol. I think at

723
00:44:16,808 --> 00:44:22,368
Speaker 2: twenty nine, I had no idea about the world, never

724
00:44:22,408 --> 00:44:26,808
Speaker 2: done anything. I was like a fresh sixteen year old

725
00:44:27,048 --> 00:44:31,127
Speaker 2: stepping out into the world, very naive and so as

726
00:44:31,168 --> 00:44:34,768
Speaker 2: you could imagine, had to learn some hard lessons that

727
00:44:34,848 --> 00:44:37,448
Speaker 2: you probably learn when you're you're a teenager. But I'm

728
00:44:37,488 --> 00:44:39,328
Speaker 2: in my thirties, and it's not as cute when you're

729
00:44:39,328 --> 00:44:41,128
Speaker 2: in your thirties and you try and explain to people,

730
00:44:41,208 --> 00:44:45,047
Speaker 2: never up bringing, you know, like I didn't pick up

731
00:44:45,048 --> 00:44:47,488
Speaker 2: that red flag, you know. I took people for their word.

732
00:44:47,528 --> 00:44:50,008
Speaker 2: I just thought the best in people, because why else

733
00:44:50,048 --> 00:44:53,448
Speaker 2: would I not, you know, And I started to rebuild.

734
00:44:54,088 --> 00:44:56,768
Speaker 1: Bella wasn't the only member of her family forced to

735
00:44:56,848 --> 00:44:59,808
Speaker 1: leave the church in hopes of rebuilding a life free

736
00:44:59,848 --> 00:45:01,328
Speaker 1: from the abuse they'd suffered.

737
00:45:01,768 --> 00:45:04,728
Speaker 2: My youngest brother I was quite close with, and he

738
00:45:04,768 --> 00:45:08,808
Speaker 2: had left the church and he had experienced some quite

739
00:45:08,848 --> 00:45:12,968
Speaker 2: severe bullying from some older people. When I say older,

740
00:45:13,008 --> 00:45:16,047
Speaker 2: he was started I believe when he was eleven and

741
00:45:16,088 --> 00:45:20,728
Speaker 2: they were maybe sixteen seventeen, these boys people in the church. Yeah.

742
00:45:20,768 --> 00:45:22,688
Speaker 2: So I remember being at a youth camp and I

743
00:45:22,768 --> 00:45:24,768
Speaker 2: had beaten him up and they broke his collar bone

744
00:45:24,808 --> 00:45:28,128
Speaker 2: and taking him into hospital. And this went on four years,

745
00:45:29,088 --> 00:45:35,368
Speaker 2: and he eventually came out and spoke about how he

746
00:45:35,408 --> 00:45:39,328
Speaker 2: was actually being sexually abused by this boy. I remember

747
00:45:39,408 --> 00:45:42,928
Speaker 2: him telling my mom, and my mom telling me, oh,

748
00:45:42,928 --> 00:45:47,888
Speaker 2: I don't know if that's true. And I remember thinking, like, no,

749
00:45:48,208 --> 00:45:49,888
Speaker 2: what are you talking about? Why would he make that

750
00:45:49,968 --> 00:45:52,087
Speaker 2: up as a grown man. He was twenty seven, and

751
00:45:52,528 --> 00:45:55,848
Speaker 2: it's humiliating. He was struggling a lot with depression and

752
00:45:55,888 --> 00:45:58,607
Speaker 2: there was obviously something that was affecting him. Why would

753
00:45:58,688 --> 00:46:01,848
Speaker 2: you think he's making it up? And it was about

754
00:46:01,888 --> 00:46:06,928
Speaker 2: six months later that he ended his own life. He

755
00:46:07,048 --> 00:46:10,688
Speaker 2: was getting married that weekend. He had a little boy,

756
00:46:11,888 --> 00:46:17,128
Speaker 2: and my brother was just the most beautiful, empathetic human.

757
00:46:17,208 --> 00:46:21,087
Speaker 2: He felt he was too I always think of him

758
00:46:21,088 --> 00:46:24,087
Speaker 2: as an angel, like he was too kind for this

759
00:46:24,168 --> 00:46:27,488
Speaker 2: yucky world. And I really dug my heels in off

760
00:46:27,488 --> 00:46:29,448
Speaker 2: to that, and I got angry and I was like

761
00:46:29,728 --> 00:46:32,888
Speaker 2: fuck it, you know, like this is not on. And

762
00:46:33,688 --> 00:46:35,687
Speaker 2: something that I really struggle with and I'm working through

763
00:46:35,728 --> 00:46:37,728
Speaker 2: is my relationship with my mum. I hold a lot

764
00:46:37,728 --> 00:46:40,968
Speaker 2: of hurt from her, as I don't quite understand being

765
00:46:41,008 --> 00:46:43,248
Speaker 2: a parent myself, like why you would do that to

766
00:46:43,328 --> 00:46:45,488
Speaker 2: your child? But I think we're all very complex and

767
00:46:46,488 --> 00:46:50,088
Speaker 2: we're multifaceted as humans, and sometimes putting our head in

768
00:46:50,128 --> 00:46:53,408
Speaker 2: the sand means that we don't need to take accountability

769
00:46:53,448 --> 00:46:55,808
Speaker 2: and maybe we don't want to feel that guilt. I

770
00:46:55,848 --> 00:46:58,608
Speaker 2: don't think that my mother doesn't love me or didn't

771
00:46:58,648 --> 00:47:00,808
Speaker 2: love my brother. I think she didn't know how to

772
00:47:00,888 --> 00:47:06,168
Speaker 2: deal with the heaviness of the reality. But I wanted

773
00:47:06,168 --> 00:47:09,527
Speaker 2: to fight for my brother and find she did. I

774
00:47:09,608 --> 00:47:14,208
Speaker 2: just that I wanted to report a lot of the abuse.

775
00:47:14,488 --> 00:47:17,848
Speaker 2: So after leaving the marriage, my son still has his

776
00:47:17,848 --> 00:47:21,727
Speaker 2: father in his life, and his father still, although there's

777
00:47:21,768 --> 00:47:25,727
Speaker 2: that proximity of distance, doesn't treat me kindly. He won't

778
00:47:25,728 --> 00:47:27,208
Speaker 2: look at me in the eye. He looks at the

779
00:47:27,208 --> 00:47:31,488
Speaker 2: ground because he doesn't think I'm deserving of respect of

780
00:47:31,528 --> 00:47:36,848
Speaker 2: his eye contact, and always critiqued still, and I just

781
00:47:36,888 --> 00:47:38,408
Speaker 2: got fed up with it one day and I thought,

782
00:47:38,448 --> 00:47:41,527
Speaker 2: you know, I've just I've allowed you to steal so

783
00:47:41,808 --> 00:47:45,168
Speaker 2: much of my life, like you have destroyed my life

784
00:47:45,208 --> 00:47:48,728
Speaker 2: in ways, not now you know I'm rebuilding, but like

785
00:47:48,848 --> 00:47:51,928
Speaker 2: you have destroyed so much of me. I can see

786
00:47:51,928 --> 00:47:53,728
Speaker 2: it for what it is with the distance, with a

787
00:47:53,728 --> 00:47:56,608
Speaker 2: lot of therapy, I can see what you're trying to do.

788
00:47:56,808 --> 00:48:02,527
Speaker 2: And I decided to report the abuse. And I did

789
00:48:02,528 --> 00:48:06,688
Speaker 2: it as an exercise for me to feel like I

790
00:48:06,728 --> 00:48:10,248
Speaker 2: was taking back my power from him, and I really

791
00:48:10,248 --> 00:48:14,648
Speaker 2: didn't expect it to go anywhere. And the report got

792
00:48:14,688 --> 00:48:18,008
Speaker 2: given to the investigators and it was about two hours

793
00:48:18,088 --> 00:48:20,928
Speaker 2: later and they arrested him and he's been charged. He's

794
00:48:20,968 --> 00:48:27,128
Speaker 2: got several charges. I've aggravated assault and strangulation. So his

795
00:48:27,288 --> 00:48:31,527
Speaker 2: court dates coming up. And when I got a call

796
00:48:31,568 --> 00:48:34,608
Speaker 2: from the investigator, almost fainted and I thought, my goodness,

797
00:48:34,648 --> 00:48:36,688
Speaker 2: what have I done? Like this wasn't my intention. I

798
00:48:36,728 --> 00:48:39,768
Speaker 2: didn't want this to happen to him. And it's been

799
00:48:39,808 --> 00:48:43,448
Speaker 2: an interesting exercise where I've protected him for so many years,

800
00:48:43,488 --> 00:48:46,488
Speaker 2: and instinctively I still feel this need to protect him,

801
00:48:47,288 --> 00:48:52,648
Speaker 2: and I remind myself that he's never protected me and

802
00:48:52,688 --> 00:48:55,408
Speaker 2: he doesn't care about me. Why do I feel such

803
00:48:55,448 --> 00:48:57,567
Speaker 2: loyalty to someone that has done that? And I think

804
00:48:57,648 --> 00:49:00,808
Speaker 2: that's the nature of an abusive relationship, is that there

805
00:49:00,888 --> 00:49:03,968
Speaker 2: is that power dynamic there and the only way that

806
00:49:04,008 --> 00:49:07,488
Speaker 2: I can overcome that is to begin to have the

807
00:49:07,608 --> 00:49:11,408
Speaker 2: self love and respect to put my foot down and go, no,

808
00:49:11,448 --> 00:49:14,087
Speaker 2: you don't treat me this way, and there's repercussions for

809
00:49:14,168 --> 00:49:17,688
Speaker 2: your actions which he now needs to face. I'm not

810
00:49:17,728 --> 00:49:22,047
Speaker 2: responsible for what happens moving forward now that's due to

811
00:49:22,128 --> 00:49:25,768
Speaker 2: his own choices, and it's been uncomfortable, but it's also

812
00:49:25,848 --> 00:49:29,808
Speaker 2: been incredibly empowering to feel like I've finally got that

813
00:49:29,928 --> 00:49:33,728
Speaker 2: support that I never got, where I was asking people, hey,

814
00:49:33,768 --> 00:49:35,768
Speaker 2: like this isn't on. I don't think this is right,

815
00:49:35,928 --> 00:49:38,647
Speaker 2: and just constantly getting told like no, no, no, it's

816
00:49:38,648 --> 00:49:43,008
Speaker 2: fine to now by law, you know you can't do

817
00:49:43,088 --> 00:49:46,168
Speaker 2: that to someone. And the church also currently have a

818
00:49:46,248 --> 00:49:49,567
Speaker 2: parliamentary inquiry happening at the moment as well. There's a

819
00:49:49,568 --> 00:49:52,208
Speaker 2: lot of cases of abuse that have been hidden, Lots,

820
00:49:52,568 --> 00:49:56,168
Speaker 2: lots and lots lots of terrible, terrible stories in particular,

821
00:49:56,288 --> 00:50:04,088
Speaker 2: mostly unfortunately targeting women, mothers in very violent, abusive relationships

822
00:50:04,168 --> 00:50:05,488
Speaker 2: and all types of abuse.

823
00:50:05,888 --> 00:50:07,968
Speaker 1: In honor of her brother and the many women and

824
00:50:08,048 --> 00:50:10,488
Speaker 1: children who had suffered at the hand of the community

825
00:50:10,568 --> 00:50:13,607
Speaker 1: she'd once called home, Bella dared to cast light into

826
00:50:13,648 --> 00:50:17,088
Speaker 1: a place shrouded in darkness. Yet even as she exposed

827
00:50:17,088 --> 00:50:20,648
Speaker 1: its shadows, her heart remained tangled in conflicting emotions.

828
00:50:20,928 --> 00:50:24,607
Speaker 2: I didn't feel any guilt about what I had done,

829
00:50:25,328 --> 00:50:28,528
Speaker 2: but I felt a lot of shame, and I actually

830
00:50:28,528 --> 00:50:31,768
Speaker 2: felt a lot of anger towards Luke at the fact

831
00:50:31,808 --> 00:50:36,408
Speaker 2: that I almost felt like he wouldn't do it because

832
00:50:36,448 --> 00:50:40,208
Speaker 2: his image was everything to him, that I was forced

833
00:50:40,248 --> 00:50:42,128
Speaker 2: to do it, and that I had to bear the

834
00:50:42,128 --> 00:50:44,168
Speaker 2: brunt of that, not only bear the brunt of that,

835
00:50:44,328 --> 00:50:49,408
Speaker 2: but bear the brunt of the trauma of the whole marriage,

836
00:50:49,528 --> 00:50:52,848
Speaker 2: and then to walk away being looked at as someone

837
00:50:52,928 --> 00:50:58,488
Speaker 2: that was a low character, person that wasn't loyal to

838
00:50:58,608 --> 00:51:02,567
Speaker 2: her marriage, which wasn't who I was, and I knew

839
00:51:02,568 --> 00:51:06,528
Speaker 2: I had to carry that, and I did hold shame

840
00:51:06,688 --> 00:51:08,928
Speaker 2: over that. That's something I've worked on. It's still not

841
00:51:08,968 --> 00:51:13,448
Speaker 2: something I'm proud of. But until you're in that position,

842
00:51:13,728 --> 00:51:17,248
Speaker 2: until you feel like you have no other option, it's

843
00:51:17,368 --> 00:51:22,968
Speaker 2: very hard to describe how difficult it is to make

844
00:51:23,008 --> 00:51:26,528
Speaker 2: a decision like that, when you feel like you're forced

845
00:51:26,568 --> 00:51:30,008
Speaker 2: into a corner with no other option. I've done a

846
00:51:30,048 --> 00:51:33,168
Speaker 2: lot of therapy. I still struggle with it a lot.

847
00:51:33,328 --> 00:51:37,968
Speaker 2: I still struggle with setting boundaries. It's very uncomfortable for me.

848
00:51:38,088 --> 00:51:41,488
Speaker 2: I've never been told how to do that, so I

849
00:51:41,608 --> 00:51:46,047
Speaker 2: let bad behaviors slide because I think as women growing up,

850
00:51:46,088 --> 00:51:48,448
Speaker 2: and even those women that have experienced that abuse as well,

851
00:51:49,488 --> 00:51:52,248
Speaker 2: you are taught that you don't make anyone else feel uncomfortable,

852
00:51:52,288 --> 00:51:54,408
Speaker 2: so you put up with a lot of bad behavior,

853
00:51:54,488 --> 00:51:57,128
Speaker 2: and that runs into different areas and aspects of your life.

854
00:51:58,048 --> 00:52:00,567
Speaker 2: This is like thirty years of conditioning for me that

855
00:52:00,648 --> 00:52:02,808
Speaker 2: I need to undo and I'm only really like three

856
00:52:02,888 --> 00:52:05,808
Speaker 2: years into it, which seems like a while, but it's

857
00:52:05,968 --> 00:52:09,207
Speaker 2: really not in the scheme of things, And I think

858
00:52:09,328 --> 00:52:12,088
Speaker 2: what has been the most beneficial thing is actually distance

859
00:52:12,648 --> 00:52:16,648
Speaker 2: is distance from the church and is distanced from Luke.

860
00:52:17,208 --> 00:52:20,248
Speaker 2: With the bail conditions. Now he's unable to communicate with me.

861
00:52:20,288 --> 00:52:25,047
Speaker 2: And it has been amazing because every time the relationship

862
00:52:25,048 --> 00:52:28,048
Speaker 2: between us still isn't great and I would revert back,

863
00:52:28,448 --> 00:52:30,567
Speaker 2: I just did because I haven't had the time and

864
00:52:30,608 --> 00:52:32,408
Speaker 2: the space to be able to heal from him. I

865
00:52:32,488 --> 00:52:35,208
Speaker 2: go back to who I was with him, which was

866
00:52:35,248 --> 00:52:38,448
Speaker 2: someone that is very meek, who doesn't stand up for herself,

867
00:52:38,488 --> 00:52:41,368
Speaker 2: who will put him before me and his needs before

868
00:52:41,408 --> 00:52:44,768
Speaker 2: me instantly. And the only way I think you can

869
00:52:44,808 --> 00:52:47,408
Speaker 2: break out of that is to have good people around you.

870
00:52:48,048 --> 00:52:50,248
Speaker 2: I have like a reference grip of a few friends

871
00:52:50,248 --> 00:52:52,408
Speaker 2: that I'll go to and I go, hey, I got

872
00:52:52,488 --> 00:52:55,127
Speaker 2: this text message. Am I in the wrong here? Because

873
00:52:55,128 --> 00:52:58,567
Speaker 2: I'm confused because I live a lot confused with what

874
00:52:58,768 --> 00:53:02,368
Speaker 2: is right, what's not right? Am I being selfish? Am

875
00:53:02,408 --> 00:53:04,567
Speaker 2: I just standing up for myself? I'm not sure. I

876
00:53:04,568 --> 00:53:07,408
Speaker 2: don't know, and I think that's only going to be

877
00:53:07,448 --> 00:53:10,488
Speaker 2: a matter of time to heal that. But also that

878
00:53:10,568 --> 00:53:13,848
Speaker 2: space and distance as well. I look at the behavior

879
00:53:13,888 --> 00:53:15,448
Speaker 2: of all of these men and it's very clear to

880
00:53:15,488 --> 00:53:18,888
Speaker 2: me they're just very misogynistic and it was all self serving.

881
00:53:19,768 --> 00:53:22,448
Speaker 2: So it's not even biblical, Like if you look in

882
00:53:22,488 --> 00:53:25,288
Speaker 2: the if you actually understand the Bible, none of it's biblical.

883
00:53:25,768 --> 00:53:28,208
Speaker 2: It's been news to controls. Then I go, all right, well,

884
00:53:28,248 --> 00:53:31,688
Speaker 2: then this idea of like having a woman and she's

885
00:53:31,728 --> 00:53:35,968
Speaker 2: not allowed to do this thing, that's for their own benefit.

886
00:53:36,648 --> 00:53:39,488
Speaker 2: And I think a great way to scare people is

887
00:53:39,528 --> 00:53:42,008
Speaker 2: to say you do this and then this is what happens.

888
00:53:42,048 --> 00:53:45,488
Speaker 2: And so just remembering that, and then also to me,

889
00:53:45,888 --> 00:53:50,087
Speaker 2: my husband broke my marriage vows very early on in

890
00:53:50,128 --> 00:53:53,808
Speaker 2: the marriage. To them, they don't perceive it that way,

891
00:53:53,928 --> 00:53:56,928
Speaker 2: but to me, he has. He's broken his marriage vows

892
00:53:56,968 --> 00:54:00,288
Speaker 2: to me. So it probably took a good couple of years,

893
00:54:00,368 --> 00:54:02,568
Speaker 2: like I'd say, only like really last year, I reckon.

894
00:54:02,688 --> 00:54:04,368
Speaker 2: I felt kind of okay about it.

895
00:54:04,488 --> 00:54:06,808
Speaker 1: And as for her relationship with her son.

896
00:54:07,048 --> 00:54:10,368
Speaker 2: I didn't have my son for I saw a couple

897
00:54:10,408 --> 00:54:12,647
Speaker 2: of times, but really was about a two to three

898
00:54:12,688 --> 00:54:17,208
Speaker 2: month period. Yeah, it was terrible, and that was mostly

899
00:54:17,248 --> 00:54:20,728
Speaker 2: because I was just living in people's lounge dreams. It

900
00:54:20,808 --> 00:54:24,048
Speaker 2: took a lot of rebuilding with my son. He felt

901
00:54:24,168 --> 00:54:27,208
Speaker 2: comfort with his dad because his dad was in his home.

902
00:54:27,768 --> 00:54:30,408
Speaker 2: He was the consistent one. He didn't understand what was

903
00:54:30,448 --> 00:54:35,527
Speaker 2: going on. He also had said some not so nice

904
00:54:35,528 --> 00:54:39,968
Speaker 2: things about me. But what has been the greatest, the

905
00:54:40,088 --> 00:54:43,448
Speaker 2: most beautiful thing to come out of all of this,

906
00:54:45,368 --> 00:54:49,448
Speaker 2: my son is I can't even put into words like

907
00:54:49,648 --> 00:54:54,528
Speaker 2: the joy that he is everything good in the world

908
00:54:54,568 --> 00:55:00,808
Speaker 2: to me. He has saved me selfishly. But more than anything,

909
00:55:00,888 --> 00:55:06,928
Speaker 2: he is my opportunity to almost I don't want to

910
00:55:06,928 --> 00:55:09,047
Speaker 2: say lived through him, because it's not that. But I

911
00:55:09,088 --> 00:55:12,567
Speaker 2: can give him the life that I wanted, and that

912
00:55:12,688 --> 00:55:18,088
Speaker 2: is such a healing gift. I can love him unconditionally.

913
00:55:18,168 --> 00:55:20,768
Speaker 2: He doesn't need to perform for my love. He doesn't

914
00:55:20,808 --> 00:55:23,888
Speaker 2: need to embey certain rules for my love. He can

915
00:55:23,928 --> 00:55:26,047
Speaker 2: mess up and make a mistake and I will be

916
00:55:26,168 --> 00:55:28,448
Speaker 2: there and I'll say, hey, I'll kick him up the

917
00:55:28,448 --> 00:55:30,968
Speaker 2: bum when he needs it, and I'll tell him, you

918
00:55:31,048 --> 00:55:33,648
Speaker 2: know that's not on. But I'll also tell him that

919
00:55:33,688 --> 00:55:36,288
Speaker 2: I think he is the most incredible, wonderful human being,

920
00:55:36,288 --> 00:55:38,448
Speaker 2: and I will always love him regardless of what he does.

921
00:55:38,488 --> 00:55:41,288
Speaker 2: He will always have that from me, and that being

922
00:55:41,288 --> 00:55:45,488
Speaker 2: able to give him that love has been so healing

923
00:55:46,048 --> 00:55:48,648
Speaker 2: and it is such a gift that I am so

924
00:55:48,728 --> 00:55:53,128
Speaker 2: grateful for and I know that through the stress of

925
00:55:53,168 --> 00:55:56,568
Speaker 2: the past couple of years, I've really struggled with my

926
00:55:56,608 --> 00:56:00,607
Speaker 2: mental health, and I know that he's kept me here.

927
00:56:01,408 --> 00:56:06,208
Speaker 2: I just love him. I think going back to having

928
00:56:06,208 --> 00:56:08,328
Speaker 2: that initial love with someone, when you fall in love,

929
00:56:08,368 --> 00:56:10,408
Speaker 2: you love without limits, and I think it's such a

930
00:56:10,408 --> 00:56:13,568
Speaker 2: beautiful thing. And I since getting out of my marriage,

931
00:56:13,728 --> 00:56:17,808
Speaker 2: I really struggled with romantic relationships. But I can give

932
00:56:17,888 --> 00:56:23,008
Speaker 2: that unconditional love with no limits to my son. And

933
00:56:23,248 --> 00:56:26,648
Speaker 2: there is nothing purer, there is nothing more beautiful, and

934
00:56:26,648 --> 00:56:28,368
Speaker 2: there is nothing more fulfilling.

935
00:56:28,848 --> 00:56:32,848
Speaker 1: But Bella has continued to suffer one unbearable wound that's

936
00:56:32,888 --> 00:56:34,808
Speaker 1: been the silence from her own family.

937
00:56:35,328 --> 00:56:39,768
Speaker 2: We don't have a relationship anymore. That's been probably actually

938
00:56:39,808 --> 00:56:41,848
Speaker 2: the hardest thing out of all of this is losing

939
00:56:42,008 --> 00:56:46,288
Speaker 2: my family. Has been very challenging, but there's not much

940
00:56:46,328 --> 00:56:48,607
Speaker 2: I can do about it. I hope to one day

941
00:56:48,768 --> 00:56:51,888
Speaker 2: get to a place where I think I heal enough

942
00:56:51,928 --> 00:56:53,688
Speaker 2: to be able to accept it for what it is.

943
00:56:53,728 --> 00:56:56,008
Speaker 2: But at the moment, it's just it's too hurtful for

944
00:56:56,088 --> 00:56:59,768
Speaker 2: me to see it as a rejection. It's just hurts.

945
00:57:00,088 --> 00:57:02,448
Speaker 1: She's had the same response from the church.

946
00:57:02,568 --> 00:57:05,568
Speaker 2: I haven't heard a peep from anyone, from the pastors,

947
00:57:05,608 --> 00:57:08,208
Speaker 2: from no one. I've not heard a word from anyone

948
00:57:08,328 --> 00:57:12,568
Speaker 2: they Luke. I believe they helped him with a lawyer.

949
00:57:12,688 --> 00:57:15,968
Speaker 2: He kept the house, he's kept everything, and has felt

950
00:57:16,048 --> 00:57:19,768
Speaker 2: very entitled to all of that. I think by hearing

951
00:57:19,808 --> 00:57:22,768
Speaker 2: these other stories of what women have gone through, there's

952
00:57:22,808 --> 00:57:27,928
Speaker 2: a sense of real anger within me. I feel absolutely

953
00:57:27,968 --> 00:57:33,048
Speaker 2: infuriated at the idea that women are looked at as

954
00:57:33,088 --> 00:57:37,808
Speaker 2: almost second class citizens, that we are deserving or need

955
00:57:37,848 --> 00:57:40,008
Speaker 2: to put up with behavior like that, and the men

956
00:57:40,088 --> 00:57:44,248
Speaker 2: have been protected. It is a boys club. Men are protected.

957
00:57:44,288 --> 00:57:49,448
Speaker 2: It just so much. And hearing the harrowing stories of

958
00:57:49,488 --> 00:57:52,048
Speaker 2: what women have gone through even longer. Being in marriage

959
00:57:52,088 --> 00:57:55,608
Speaker 2: is over twenty years, and that's a massive chunk of

960
00:57:55,648 --> 00:57:59,408
Speaker 2: their life that has been taken now, and it's angers

961
00:57:59,488 --> 00:58:04,008
Speaker 2: me a lot, like it's not okay. Everything as well

962
00:58:04,048 --> 00:58:07,648
Speaker 2: came from fear. So that's how they could control where.

963
00:58:08,728 --> 00:58:11,048
Speaker 2: I think, like, if you give people options to make

964
00:58:11,088 --> 00:58:13,168
Speaker 2: a decision for themselves, they can go, oh, they can

965
00:58:13,208 --> 00:58:15,448
Speaker 2: go either way. But with this, it was like, you

966
00:58:15,448 --> 00:58:18,048
Speaker 2: won't do that, Well, we're gonna shame you and you'll

967
00:58:18,048 --> 00:58:19,768
Speaker 2: see you're gonna burn in hell? So what do you

968
00:58:19,768 --> 00:58:20,208
Speaker 2: want to do.

969
00:58:20,488 --> 00:58:23,528
Speaker 1: Above all else? Through every trial and every loss, and

970
00:58:23,568 --> 00:58:27,448
Speaker 1: despite everything, the one thing that has endured is Bella's faith.

971
00:58:27,888 --> 00:58:32,048
Speaker 2: I feel pretty like traumatized by religion. I still believe

972
00:58:32,088 --> 00:58:34,488
Speaker 2: in God one hundred percent. I believe in God. I

973
00:58:34,568 --> 00:58:37,768
Speaker 2: think unfortunately, what a lot of us humans do is

974
00:58:37,768 --> 00:58:40,728
Speaker 2: we come in and we ruin things that are beautiful,

975
00:58:41,808 --> 00:58:45,888
Speaker 2: and I think religion, some religions, are used to control

976
00:58:46,128 --> 00:58:50,848
Speaker 2: people and that's not what I believe God wants for us.

977
00:58:51,048 --> 00:58:54,128
Speaker 2: So I still have a faith to a degree what

978
00:58:54,168 --> 00:58:56,648
Speaker 2: that looks like. I'm still working out. I can't step

979
00:58:56,688 --> 00:58:59,288
Speaker 2: for in a church. I don't really want to, and

980
00:58:59,328 --> 00:59:01,568
Speaker 2: I don't feel ready to do anything like that. I

981
00:59:01,608 --> 00:59:03,408
Speaker 2: also don't feel like I need to at this point.

982
00:59:04,128 --> 00:59:08,408
Speaker 2: But I've been able to separate God from religion, and

983
00:59:08,448 --> 00:59:11,088
Speaker 2: I think that's been really important because I think I

984
00:59:11,248 --> 00:59:15,368
Speaker 2: merged the two where what I see that particular church

985
00:59:15,368 --> 00:59:18,008
Speaker 2: that I went to as a very controlling place that

986
00:59:18,088 --> 00:59:21,448
Speaker 2: does wanted to control, and I don't believe God wants

987
00:59:21,448 --> 00:59:23,248
Speaker 2: that for us. I think that He's made us all

988
00:59:23,288 --> 00:59:26,248
Speaker 2: for a purpose to live at our own purpose, to

989
00:59:26,448 --> 00:59:29,848
Speaker 2: make a positive impact. And to live our lives and

990
00:59:29,848 --> 00:59:32,248
Speaker 2: to enjoy our lives, which is we are allowed to

991
00:59:32,248 --> 00:59:36,168
Speaker 2: be happy and make our own decisions and not have

992
00:59:36,248 --> 00:59:39,488
Speaker 2: other people make decisions for us and feel like we

993
00:59:39,568 --> 00:59:43,408
Speaker 2: need to live within this very small box in order

994
00:59:43,488 --> 00:59:49,248
Speaker 2: to quote unquote please him. My hope for my future

995
00:59:49,408 --> 00:59:51,928
Speaker 2: is to get to a place where I'm not as

996
00:59:52,008 --> 00:59:58,328
Speaker 2: fearful of love, that I can accept love more freely.

997
00:59:59,648 --> 01:00:03,568
Speaker 2: I am very good at giving love and very hesitant

998
01:00:03,728 --> 01:00:07,247
Speaker 2: and hyper vigilant of a lot of people and why

999
01:00:07,288 --> 01:00:11,088
Speaker 2: they would want to love me, because I actually don't think.

1000
01:00:12,368 --> 01:00:16,128
Speaker 2: I think I've definitely been loved by my parents, but

1001
01:00:16,168 --> 01:00:19,728
Speaker 2: I don't think I've ever been unconditionally loved, and I

1002
01:00:19,808 --> 01:00:23,648
Speaker 2: want that. I hope that one day I can welcome

1003
01:00:23,688 --> 01:00:27,648
Speaker 2: that into my life. My goal at the moment is

1004
01:00:27,688 --> 01:00:32,728
Speaker 2: to just love my son and to just give him

1005
01:00:32,888 --> 01:00:34,768
Speaker 2: as much as I possibly can, and for us to

1006
01:00:34,768 --> 01:00:37,408
Speaker 2: make memories. I mean, I've actually had the best time

1007
01:00:37,408 --> 01:00:39,328
Speaker 2: over the past couple of years. I've done a little living,

1008
01:00:39,568 --> 01:00:41,608
Speaker 2: I've made up for lost time. I've actually had a

1009
01:00:41,648 --> 01:00:45,648
Speaker 2: ball and it's been great. I've lived so much life

1010
01:00:45,648 --> 01:00:47,768
Speaker 2: in the past couple of years, and I've it has

1011
01:00:47,848 --> 01:00:50,128
Speaker 2: been a real struggle, Like it's been the worst time

1012
01:00:50,168 --> 01:00:52,648
Speaker 2: of my life, but the best time of my life,

1013
01:00:52,768 --> 01:00:56,728
Speaker 2: and it's exciting. I try to look at life as

1014
01:00:56,768 --> 01:00:58,568
Speaker 2: a bit of an adventure. I feel like I've lived

1015
01:00:58,568 --> 01:01:01,048
Speaker 2: a few different lives and I am excited for the

1016
01:01:01,088 --> 01:01:03,208
Speaker 2: future and I just hope to get to the point

1017
01:01:03,208 --> 01:01:06,488
Speaker 2: where I'm accepting of love. That's what I would love

1018
01:01:06,528 --> 01:01:09,968
Speaker 2: to be able to receive and to also like, I

1019
01:01:09,968 --> 01:01:12,247
Speaker 2: would still love a family and to have a family unit,

1020
01:01:12,288 --> 01:01:15,408
Speaker 2: but more than anything, just that self love and having

1021
01:01:15,408 --> 01:01:19,568
Speaker 2: a really strong relationship with my son as well. Yeah,

1022
01:01:19,608 --> 01:01:21,488
Speaker 2: I'm free, That's what it feels like.

1023
01:01:21,648 --> 01:01:39,528
Speaker 4: I'm finally free.

1024
01:01:45,408 --> 01:01:47,888
Speaker 1: Everyone Has an Ex is a Minti Media production and

1025
01:01:47,968 --> 01:01:50,688
Speaker 1: proudly part of the Mum and mea Network. This episode

1026
01:01:50,728 --> 01:01:53,968
Speaker 1: is written and produced by Linda Scott. Interview conducted and

1027
01:01:54,128 --> 01:01:57,088
Speaker 1: episode narrated by me Georgia Love. If you have a

1028
01:01:57,128 --> 01:01:59,848
Speaker 1: story you'd like to share, email us at podcast at

1029
01:01:59,848 --> 01:02:02,768
Speaker 1: momamea dot com dot au. You can support us by

1030
01:02:02,808 --> 01:02:05,368
Speaker 1: following the show in your favorite podcast app and leaving

1031
01:02:05,368 --> 01:02:12,248
Speaker 1: a five star review. We'll see you for the next episode.