Speaker 1: We acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land we're recording
Speaker 1: on today.
Speaker 2: I do love it though, when he hurts himself or
Speaker 2: he's scared or he's bet and he just.
Speaker 3: He's like, you know, I'm the only person.
Speaker 4: Out.
Speaker 3: I'm like, hey, everyone else can.
Speaker 1: Go get fat, Hello, and welcome to eat, Sleep, Shit, Repeat.
Speaker 1: A wildly unhinged podcast all about the madness that is
Speaker 1: motherhood and everything in between.
Speaker 5: I am Key Resells.
Speaker 1: I hope that you guys are loving the content of
Speaker 1: season four as much as we are.
Speaker 5: It's been so much fun putting this new and improved
Speaker 5: shell together.
Speaker 3: I'm Kelly McCarran.
Speaker 2: And it's fucking cold in Sydney right now, and then
Speaker 2: I've put in the script discuss it's freezing.
Speaker 5: What a boring thing to be.
Speaker 2: Like discuss but it is so cold, and I know
Speaker 2: that that is boring, but it's also just the only
Speaker 2: thing that everyone's talking about right now, because it's like
Speaker 2: we forget.
Speaker 3: Every year the Sydney actually can get quite cold.
Speaker 1: Just slipping a casual climate change.
Speaker 2: The thing is though, as well, is that Australia is
Speaker 2: not built for cold weather.
Speaker 5: No, I know, no insulation.
Speaker 2: My dad's cousin lives in Toronto, because I'm like, how
Speaker 2: do you guys survive in minus thirty minus forty winters?
Speaker 2: And he's like literally easier than growing up in Australian winters.
Speaker 2: For us, it's like just in our homes we're cold.
Speaker 1: I know, well, it's the most stressful thing is like
Speaker 1: I can obviously put ten blank and myself, but like
Speaker 1: the kids my number one stress right now or something
Speaker 1: like is she gonna fucking wake up at four am?
Speaker 3: Because she's gonna be cute?
Speaker 1: But we've actually been okay. I've stuffed the heater in
Speaker 1: our room. I've put like two blankets over because she's
Speaker 1: old enough now for blankets, so she seems to be fine. Weirdly,
Speaker 1: I have invested in the Unicloth thermals so highly recommend.
Speaker 5: Those to any mum.
Speaker 1: So like cheap thermals, and they're so good and they're
Speaker 1: like they're really thin like adult thermals, but they keep
Speaker 1: them right.
Speaker 3: Really, thermals are a thing I know.
Speaker 5: Snow, but yeah, they're great for.
Speaker 2: Every day because I've been doing the singlet long sleeve
Speaker 2: shirt and then a track jumper, then track pants with
Speaker 2: the two nappies on, pull the second nappy off in
Speaker 2: the morning.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, because you've got your daycare, because that's him
Speaker 3: going to daycare.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, No, I just pop her in a thermal
Speaker 1: top and then her like winter pajamas over the top.
Speaker 2: Then he only wears his pajamas three nights a week,
Speaker 2: the days that he's not going to daycare.
Speaker 5: The next time, anyway, it is Keys turn.
Speaker 2: To give her peek and pitch of the week. Everyone,
Speaker 2: please let us know what you're thinking of the new
Speaker 2: format where we swap. It's quite funny because when I
Speaker 2: was preparing, I was thinking about what I was going
Speaker 2: to say next week.
Speaker 3: I'm like, oh, I kind of have two peaks and
Speaker 3: two bits.
Speaker 1: I know, I know it is hard going week off,
Speaker 1: but it also is nice because I feel like you
Speaker 1: can kind of combine the two together. Otherwise every week
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm sick of the
Speaker 1: winging whatever.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but he can you kick off your hit and
Speaker 2: then we'll finish the segment.
Speaker 1: On a A.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Well, on that note, I do sound like a broken
Speaker 1: record because.
Speaker 3: I had a minty bee on the weekend.
Speaker 5: Be the morning. Well, here we go. How nice of me?
Speaker 3: What a good friend? What a good supportive business? Kind
Speaker 3: of that?
Speaker 2: I'm like.
Speaker 1: Because our love language is humor and if we don't love.
Speaker 1: So it's a lovely mix of being tired, being pulled
Speaker 1: in a million different directions, dropping balls everywhere, and feeling
Speaker 1: like I'm failing my family. But rather than me explaining
Speaker 1: the ins and outs of all of those silly little
Speaker 1: things that are stressing me out. I saw this promo
Speaker 1: for one of my favorite podcasts, which is Ladies We
Speaker 1: Need to Talk Just an ABC podcast hosted by Yumi Stein's.
Speaker 3: I didn't know this was one of your favorite podcasts.
Speaker 3: I've never heard of it before.
Speaker 5: I love it. It's been going for years, going.
Speaker 2: For your Well you've slipped in a recommendation, Actually, oh
Speaker 2: my god, sorry?
Speaker 3: Are you on fire with your recommendations today?
Speaker 1: I think I am the podcast You Got a Girl?
Speaker 3: What's it about?
Speaker 1: They just discuss different topics that as ladies we need
Speaker 1: to talk about.
Speaker 5: So super interesting.
Speaker 1: So this was a link to like one of the
Speaker 1: episodes on being a mother, and I think she sums
Speaker 1: up the mum guilt brilliantly.
Speaker 4: And this clip What's it like to be frantically busy,
Speaker 4: you're getting absolutely rumed by cost of living. You've got
Speaker 4: mortgage repayments and a job that you can't hate. Among
Speaker 4: the soul crushing chaos is a chubby little three year
Speaker 4: old's hand holding yours as you walk her up the
Speaker 4: gate towards childcare to drop her off there again, Bye money,
Speaker 4: bye sweetheart. I'll see you at the end of the
Speaker 4: day when we're both exhausted and I've given the very
Speaker 4: best of myself to a job that I freaking hate.
Speaker 1: Mum.
Speaker 4: Guilt is real, and as everything gets more and more expensive,
Speaker 4: we seem to get more and more tethered.
Speaker 5: To jobs we don't really like.
Speaker 4: Meanwhile, our children catch colds, leaks, not and grow older
Speaker 4: in the institutionalized care of workers whose names we can
Speaker 4: barely remember.
Speaker 2: I was just like, yeah, this is just such an
Speaker 2: good example of me having a confidence of a middle
Speaker 2: aged white man, because I just could not.
Speaker 5: Relate to that at all.
Speaker 3: No, I never feel like that about dropping him off.
Speaker 5: I working.
Speaker 1: No, No, okay, so I don't have a shit job.
Speaker 1: I actually do love my job, but I'm more related
Speaker 1: to the theme of it, like cost of living pressures
Speaker 1: the strain that puts on your family working knowing that
Speaker 1: you need to work, but also coming home at the
Speaker 1: end of the day.
Speaker 2: And I relate to that part where you're like, you're
Speaker 2: both just so exhausted, but it's so good for both
Speaker 2: of us.
Speaker 5: No, it is.
Speaker 1: But then I do have a lot of guilt over
Speaker 1: the fact that all day I've been my like chirpy,
Speaker 1: sunny self, putting all of my energy in and then
Speaker 1: I get home from work and pick grew up and
Speaker 1: she's fully off me because she's like, I've been saving
Speaker 1: up all my bad behavior. I'm in my safe place,
Speaker 1: I'm giving it to you, and I'm like, I've been
Speaker 1: waiting all day to hang out with you, and you're
Speaker 1: acting like a little dick, and.
Speaker 5: Now I don't even want to talk to you. So
Speaker 5: it's just that it's one thing.
Speaker 1: Like I don't think I related to all of the points,
Speaker 1: but I think people could relate because not everyone loves
Speaker 1: their job, but they sposed to do exactly they have
Speaker 1: to work what we host a podcast.
Speaker 3: No, when I say my job, I don't just mean
Speaker 3: this one thing. I know this is one day on half.
Speaker 1: Day, okay, okay, But I think that there are different
Speaker 1: parts that people can relate of course about it. I
Speaker 1: mean I love daycare, don't get me wrong. Shout out
Speaker 1: to all of the educators who are listening. I do
Speaker 1: know most of your names at my daycare, although they
Speaker 1: do move around a lot.
Speaker 5: And our daycare director just left.
Speaker 3: I don't.
Speaker 2: Luke knows everyone he walks in. He's like hey so
Speaker 2: and so, Hey so and so to the parents, to
Speaker 2: the kids, to the educators, everyone.
Speaker 5: He's literally super dad.
Speaker 3: No, he's just a mom.
Speaker 5: He's a mom.
Speaker 3: I'm not a mum. He's a mom.
Speaker 5: Okay, should we move on to my peak?
Speaker 3: Please?
Speaker 2: But can I just validate you a little bit? If
Speaker 2: that is your pit every fortnight, that's okay. And I
Speaker 2: actually got a really beautiful message this morning from someone
Speaker 2: saying just to jump on this bandwagon of yes, we
Speaker 2: need the peaks and the pits. She said, the pits
Speaker 2: make us feel less alone. Yeah, even if it is
Speaker 2: something that's really small and mundane to us, it's validating.
Speaker 2: And then she said, and the peaks sometimes are really
Speaker 2: good reminder, which I thought was so.
Speaker 1: I love that because you don't often like celebrate or
Speaker 1: reflect or think about the things that have helped.
Speaker 2: I find the peak so hard because I'm like, ehh,
Speaker 2: I've really got to think about them.
Speaker 3: I'll just like negative Nancy though that there'll be like.
Speaker 1: One day when U behaves nicely and I'll be like
Speaker 1: part of my week.
Speaker 3: She didn't blame me today, she didn't bully.
Speaker 5: Me today, and I didn't have to feel guilty peek.
Speaker 5: My peak was my birthday weekend.
Speaker 1: So my birthday fell on a Monday, so Charlie and
Speaker 1: Rue and I celebrated basically the weekend before that, and
Speaker 1: we went to the Affordable art fair that was on
Speaker 1: in Sydney and it was just kind of like I'd
Speaker 1: forgotten it was on. I saw one of the Instagram
Speaker 1: pages I follow posting.
Speaker 2: About it and I was like, I told me to
Speaker 2: be fair because we were very late, but we were like,
Speaker 2: you know, we're on our art curation journey together.
Speaker 5: I know I do feel quite bad about that. Next year, Oh.
Speaker 2: Thanks, yeah, great, I mean to be fair, I will
Speaker 2: probably still be trying to decorate my It'll still be empty, rug.
Speaker 5: Slow and steady.
Speaker 1: But it was so nice because we did something together
Speaker 1: that I wanted to do that was mainly for me,
Speaker 1: but everyone came yeah, and it was like, quite nice,
Speaker 1: because often we'll do stuff as a family that's kind
Speaker 1: of beneficial for everyone, but stuff for rue. But this
Speaker 1: was kind of nice. It was like an activity that
Speaker 1: I wanted to do. It was very family kid friendly.
Speaker 1: There were heaps of kids there that had little breakout
Speaker 1: stations where they could sit and draw, and they had
Speaker 1: a cafe, and I saw kids of all rangers there.
Speaker 1: And to be fair, it's like an art exhibition, so
Speaker 1: it's not the safest place for kids, but I loved
Speaker 1: how fighting they were for families. That made it really inclusive.
Speaker 5: And then later that night.
Speaker 1: We got a sitter just for a few hours, and
Speaker 1: we went to a fancy restaurant to celebrate.
Speaker 3: It was a surprise and we rocked up and I
Speaker 3: went to Margret.
Speaker 5: I know, I was like, are you rich? I was
Speaker 5: not prepared for that level of fancy.
Speaker 2: When I saw it on your Instagram, I was like,
Speaker 2: we live in two different worlds. There is not a
Speaker 2: chance that Luke would well. First of Luke and I
Speaker 2: don't really like food, so.
Speaker 1: But Charlie was like halfway to eat meat because he
Speaker 1: doesn't really eat meat at home. So he was like,
Speaker 1: give me the steak key birthday. He's like, let's go
Speaker 1: somewhere fancy that cooks meat really well. But the thing was,
Speaker 1: I was not dressed for the fanciness of Margaret.
Speaker 3: Oh, so you had no idea you were even gone beautiful.
Speaker 1: When I got into the uber, he was like, did
Speaker 1: he just tell you where we're going?
Speaker 5: And I'm like, no, crazy, he didn't.
Speaker 1: She's like, I just wanted to be a surprise, and
Speaker 1: I was like so stoked that we got to sit
Speaker 1: up because we don't often get one. Also didn't have
Speaker 1: to take care of anything, so it was like the
Speaker 1: whole mental LOADO. It was actually a treat, which is
Speaker 1: what birth was a treat, which I really enjoyed.
Speaker 5: So that's about the dinner. What you ate.
Speaker 3: I want to know what you guys talked about?
Speaker 1: Well, everyone was like neutrals and beige, weren't they? So
Speaker 1: I stuck out like a sore thumbed.
Speaker 3: You know what, sligh And then Charlie's like, who.
Speaker 5: Cares, like you look beautiful. It was just such a
Speaker 5: nice course.
Speaker 1: They were babe mug they were yeah, yeah, but it
Speaker 1: was really lovely. The food was incredible, the wine was incredible,
Speaker 1: and then they even gave me a little ball of
Speaker 1: sorbe at the end with a candle on it. Well,
Speaker 1: I've got my intolerances, so can we not.
Speaker 5: Okay, ye turn our noses.
Speaker 1: Up at the sorbet because it's all I've got at
Speaker 1: kkel Oka.
Speaker 5: But it was gorgeous.
Speaker 1: And then we actually just went home after and it
Speaker 1: was some birthday sex.
Speaker 2: No, we came home and you're faced and you're like,
Speaker 2: sorry if it's not conceiving, so I'm not talking about it.
Speaker 1: No, we didn't, only because I've just been so tired lately.
Speaker 1: So we actually just watched something on TV and I
Speaker 1: was like, I know, I was like, Sleigh, it was
Speaker 1: really good.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so lovely. I'm had such a nice night together.
Speaker 1: It was zero expectations, it was zero organizing, and it
Speaker 1: was like one hundred percent fun time. The stakes went high,
Speaker 1: Like I wasn't worried about as anyone having fun. It
Speaker 1: was literally just like I'm having the best time.
Speaker 5: And it's not often that on birthdays.
Speaker 3: You know, I hate birthdays, so do I.
Speaker 5: It's always such a pressure.
Speaker 1: And I just also like even just the influx of
Speaker 1: messages which are so lovely, people wishing you happy birthday.
Speaker 1: I find overwhelmeding because I'm like, well, now I've got
Speaker 1: to spend all this time getting back to people.
Speaker 3: I don't think you do it all. I never get
Speaker 3: back to people a bat shit like that.
Speaker 5: You don't know.
Speaker 3: I don't think anyone is.
Speaker 1: Expected use a recommendation do not reply to birthday mass.
Speaker 3: But they'll ask you a question.
Speaker 2: They're just saying, even if they say hope you've got
Speaker 2: something nice playing to the day question, they're not expecting
Speaker 2: a response.
Speaker 5: And if they are, okay, I love that. All right,
Speaker 5: So let's.
Speaker 2: Move into our deep nive, our meaty topic of the day,
Speaker 2: if you will, being the chosen one, the preferred he
Speaker 2: So it's definitely not a new concept by any means.
Speaker 2: So we've been brought up hearing all.
Speaker 3: About Daddy's little girl, daddy's little boy.
Speaker 2: And Mamma's boy, referencing a child having a favorite parent.
Speaker 3: It's funny. I called my.
Speaker 2: Mum when I was prepping this script, just to ask
Speaker 2: her what her experience was, and she couldn't remember us.
Speaker 3: But it's been too long, I know, but surely it's
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 5: They block it out, They block out a longtime.
Speaker 3: Me with my memory, I have to remind to them of.
Speaker 5: Yeah, you won't forget.
Speaker 3: No, I will not forget. Mum will be like, how
Speaker 3: do you remember that you were three?
Speaker 6: We also have a podcast as Documenting True Exactly or
Speaker 6: social media, but the chides on one is their go to,
Speaker 6: so that's their person for everything, and yes it is
Speaker 6: completely normal, but it's not ideal for either parent.
Speaker 2: So being the one perpetually bellowed at mam ma'am, it
Speaker 2: can quickly become very overwhelming or dad actually for the
Speaker 2: preferred parent. And while an unfavored parent may get out
Speaker 2: of some of the more tedious tasks like bathtime because
Speaker 2: the child only wants the other parent to do it,
Speaker 2: you can end up feeling a bit hurt by the
Speaker 2: perceived rejection. And I also want to say, as we're
Speaker 2: having this discussion, we will try to keep it gender neutral, yeah,
Speaker 2: and not go too much into stereotypes because obviously every
Speaker 2: family unit is different and we do have listeners from
Speaker 2: all different types of families, so apologies in advance. I
Speaker 2: would say, like eighty percent of the respondents did come
Speaker 2: from a nuclear family unit, so if we go into
Speaker 2: the mum dad child trope, that is why. However, we
Speaker 2: do see everyone's responses and completely understand that families come
Speaker 2: in all different shapes and sizes.
Speaker 1: So looking through research, and there's many child psychologists who
Speaker 1: basically explain that when kids are little, they just don't
Speaker 1: have the same cognitive skills that we have as adults,
Speaker 1: and those are the skills that give us the ability
Speaker 1: to understand and hold relationships as separate entities. So for
Speaker 1: little kids especially, they just can't really grasp the idea
Speaker 1: that you can love.
Speaker 5: Two people equally.
Speaker 1: Their little minds couldnot understand too much love. It's a lot,
Speaker 1: so they tend to favor one parent at a time
Speaker 1: because they don't know how to love together.
Speaker 2: Now, I know that this is what the experts say,
Speaker 2: but I just don't believe that.
Speaker 1: And I know, I know that you're like Gilly, not
Speaker 1: believing an expertly.
Speaker 2: WHOA that is shocking to everyone that I don't believe experts.
Speaker 2: But what I mean is it just doesn't make that
Speaker 2: much sense to me because maybe Lou Lou Lenin Rue
Speaker 2: Lou I.
Speaker 5: Kind of like it.
Speaker 3: Maybe they are exceptions.
Speaker 2: I really don't think they are, though, but they definitely
Speaker 2: have capacity to love both parents at the same time.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's just that Len is happiest when we're both
Speaker 3: with him.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I understand that.
Speaker 1: Well. I think it's brutal obviously when they say it
Speaker 1: that way, and I do think, of course they love
Speaker 1: the I put in my notes secondary question mark parent.
Speaker 1: It sounds so mean, but I feel like it's more
Speaker 1: to do with the fact that they feel safest with
Speaker 1: the primary terra and that they can let their freak
Speaker 1: flag fly.
Speaker 5: Which they do.
Speaker 1: It's fun truly be themselves, you know. There's just like
Speaker 1: a certain level of freak that they let out with
Speaker 1: that primary care that the secondary care doesn't experience one
Speaker 1: hundred percent of the time exactly. So that's actually the
Speaker 1: perfect segue into us talking about our personal experiences where
Speaker 1: both the primary parent and our households.
Speaker 5: And both the preferred parent. Lucky us.
Speaker 1: Yaya talk me through your experience with Lenn.
Speaker 2: It should be worth noted because I did ask that question.
Speaker 2: I read it through the lens that some people were defensive, like, well,
Speaker 2: we're both the primary parent. When I say primary parent,
Speaker 2: I don't necessarily mean that you do ninety percent of
Speaker 2: the work, Oh, I just mean that in any regard,
Speaker 2: you probably do do a little bit more whether or
Speaker 2: not it's the mental load, whether or not it's that
Speaker 2: you look after them a little bit more. Like Luke
Speaker 2: is very much so an involved parent.
Speaker 5: Yeah, definitely, like he looks.
Speaker 2: After Lenny a lot, as he should it's child, and
Speaker 2: looks after a lot of different things. So it's not
Speaker 2: that I mean that when I say primary parent that
Speaker 2: the other person is just like, oh, se yeah, I'm
Speaker 2: going to go play golf, for get a money or whatever.
Speaker 3: I just wanted to clarify that.
Speaker 1: No, I think it's an important clarification because I think obviously,
Speaker 1: historically a primary parent may have meant.
Speaker 2: The stay at home from um exactly that spends all day,
Speaker 2: all night with the kids while the dad goes to work.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I often think about, like who's the emergency contact
Speaker 1: at daycare in school? Like the first one?
Speaker 2: I think they actually call Luke now because I well,
Speaker 2: I was like, eh, not picking that up.
Speaker 3: Oh, it's just going to be another head injury. It's fine.
Speaker 5: So she's joking.
Speaker 3: I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
Speaker 2: So although I didn't take maternally, let's not go down
Speaker 2: that load again. Len didn't actually go into daycare till
Speaker 2: he was one, So for that first year, he was
Speaker 2: with me ninety nine percent of the time, and we
Speaker 2: spent a lot of time without Luke in that first year.
Speaker 2: So I don't know if that had anything to do
Speaker 2: with how it is now, But at the time he
Speaker 2: probably didn't care that much who was holding him. I mean,
Speaker 2: it just screamed regardless. But sometimes he would definitely swim
Speaker 2: louder if it wasn't me, So I never really noticed
Speaker 2: that much of a primary preference.
Speaker 1: I think during that time anyway, the baby's preferring the
Speaker 1: mum regardless, because yeah, even if you're like giving formula
Speaker 1: and stuff, it's still.
Speaker 3: Really that one your smell, yeah as well. Yeah, there's
Speaker 3: probably a lot.
Speaker 2: Of different things nine out of ten times. So you know,
Speaker 2: let's fast forward to now he's almost two and a half.
Speaker 2: He will absolutely lose it if I leave the house,
Speaker 2: even if I just go into a room and shut
Speaker 2: the door.
Speaker 1: I've witnessed there will be a little sick days.
Speaker 2: There will be screaming, there will be banging it the door,
Speaker 2: things will be thrown, and he like the tears.
Speaker 3: He has got.
Speaker 2: I don't know if he's got separation anxiety or for sure,
Speaker 2: like it's very intense. He's been at daycare for sixteen
Speaker 2: months now, and the drop offs are still awful.
Speaker 5: If Luke drops him off in the morning, is it
Speaker 5: as bad?
Speaker 3: Sometimes but he never really does. Sometimes it's fine.
Speaker 2: Nine ten times, it's the same awful, clean to the legs, screaming,
Speaker 2: holding his hands out for me as I walk out
Speaker 2: the door, like awful.
Speaker 3: And Luke said the.
Speaker 2: Other day, oh, yeah, but lots of kids are like that,
Speaker 2: and I said, no, they're not, No, they are not.
Speaker 3: I've witnessed one mum go through it. That's that mom.
Speaker 2: I chased out of the door that day and went,
Speaker 2: you're doing a great job because it's not normal actually
Speaker 2: some kids. Yes, but every single day and he's fine
Speaker 2: two minutes later, yeah, yeah, thank god. Otherwise, gosh, that
Speaker 2: would be impossible to leave him. I literally can't go
Speaker 2: to the toilet without him. And it is cute and
Speaker 2: I love how much he loves me, but it is
Speaker 2: exhausting and I'm constantly overstimulated. I'm constantly touched out, which
Speaker 2: leaves no room for Luke in any of the those
Speaker 2: sorts of areas.
Speaker 1: Such an important point to make, like, how can you
Speaker 1: no intimacy when you are completely touched out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, how like I get off me. Yeah, and I
Speaker 2: know that that sounds awful, but get off like.
Speaker 1: I think it's really relatable.
Speaker 2: Cal From the moment he wakes up, and remember I
Speaker 2: do mornings by myself. Yeah, from the moment he wakes up,
Speaker 2: everything is a battle and he wants to be on
Speaker 2: me or wants to at least see me. The drop
Speaker 2: offs always horrible. Then from the moment he walks through
Speaker 2: the bloody door, it's just screaming if he's not on
Speaker 2: me or can't see me or yeah not you know,
Speaker 2: And that's if he's not having tantrums about everything else.
Speaker 2: So I also have to lay next to him, which
Speaker 2: is whatever. It's just the stage that we're in for
Speaker 2: him to fall asleep. Sometimes he will sit up until
Speaker 2: like nine o'clock. Yeah, if I leave the room, he's asleep.
Speaker 2: But it's like he just senses that I'm leaving. Even
Speaker 2: if the house is pitch dark and I'm creeping out.
Speaker 2: It's like I can't smell her anymore. You can have
Speaker 2: to go back like down. You gotta be kidding, bro,
Speaker 2: if you think that I want to be touched. After that,
Speaker 2: he's like, hey, how's the bucket. Is it full the
Speaker 2: psychologists word for that. My buckets are thimble basically, so
Speaker 2: it gets real easy and I'm like, bro, it was
Speaker 2: full at seven o'clock this morning.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, there is no room for you. We
Speaker 1: haven't been clearing the bucket in a while. The bucket
Speaker 1: has not been tipped out for quite some time.
Speaker 2: And I know that this is really hypocritical, but I
Speaker 2: do love it though, when he's hurt or sad.
Speaker 1: I just got whiplash, I don't know, wait what, welcome
Speaker 1: to my brain.
Speaker 2: I do love it though, when he like hurts himself
Speaker 2: or he's scared, or he's upset.
Speaker 3: And he just he's like, mum, and I'm the only
Speaker 3: person you are, Just Mummy, sort it all out, It
Speaker 3: all out of my hand where everyone else can go
Speaker 3: get fat.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I'm definitely the preferred parent and it's fucking annoying but
Speaker 2: also cute.
Speaker 1: Okay, wasn't expecting that your turn, my turn, pretty to
Speaker 1: I'd have been the preferred parent. Not gonna lie.
Speaker 3: I think you're in a particular stage at the moment
Speaker 3: where you're feeling very.
Speaker 2: She's in a difficult stage, and you are feeling very
Speaker 2: over it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a lot, not gonna Lie just reached the
Speaker 1: terrible twosme along at home as a baby, of course,
Speaker 1: like I was more of the person that could settler
Speaker 1: the easiest.
Speaker 3: It also working, but I took twelve.
Speaker 1: Months of fraternity to leave and then I went back
Speaker 1: to work part time. But when I started going back
Speaker 1: to work is when things got a little bit more balanced.
Speaker 5: And I'd say that.
Speaker 1: Rue is textbook with her phases or stages of separation anxiety.
Speaker 3: So it kind of ebbs and flows, which is so normal.
Speaker 1: Which is normal until she became a terrible toddler that
Speaker 1: turned two, and now.
Speaker 2: It's literally like one month after her birthday, she's just
Speaker 2: gone literally, hello, oh I am here in my twos.
Speaker 5: And it is so intense.
Speaker 1: And it wasn't really up until recently that Charlie really
Speaker 1: clocked how intense it was because he was working really
Speaker 1: late and I was taking on quite a lot of
Speaker 1: the responsibility. And then his work has thankfully slowed down,
Speaker 1: which I'm like so thankful for, and so he's been
Speaker 1: really stepping up and coming home earlier at night, and
Speaker 1: we've had a couple of weekends away. So typically our
Speaker 1: setup is during the week I'm pretty much the primary Cara.
Speaker 5: He'll always do mornings with.
Speaker 1: Her to take her to daycare, like on her daycare days,
Speaker 1: and then I do all pickups and bed and bath
Speaker 1: and etc. Which which is a lot, but he's been
Speaker 1: taking on that role. And then on the weekends I
Speaker 1: always get time off because that's his time with Rue
Speaker 1: all together, but he kind of is the primary contact
Speaker 1: for those days.
Speaker 3: She's done a shit, literally, like I.
Speaker 5: Think I know an need to be changed, and he's like,
Speaker 5: got it.
Speaker 1: Oh wait, she's potty training. She is potty trained, but
Speaker 1: like he still got a white brain. He got away
Speaker 1: for hours, so he's seen it and he is just
Speaker 1: like whoa. And I really felt validated in that because
Speaker 1: I think a lot of the time like if that
Speaker 1: other parent.
Speaker 3: Isn't there or we missed the behavior, yeah, you.
Speaker 1: Kind of just feel like I'm dubbing on my kid,
Speaker 1: like being a little tattle.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so they won't take you seriously when you're like,
Speaker 3: my child is bullying. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah. And then the biggest breakthrough was like when I
Speaker 1: came home and they had been hanging out all day
Speaker 1: and then as soon as I walked through that.
Speaker 5: Door, she was like ah, it was on so and
Speaker 5: did he.
Speaker 3: Then go, oh my god, but she's been fine all day.
Speaker 1: He was literally like, she has been fine all day,
Speaker 1: which is literally when you come home the door.
Speaker 2: No, it's Bok says stuff like that to me too,
Speaker 2: and I'm like, what is your intense? You're saying that
Speaker 2: I'm the problem or that I'm the antagonist to this,
Speaker 2: but it is actually.
Speaker 3: Just that they feel so safe with their preferred parent
Speaker 3: that they exactly once again.
Speaker 1: Lucky yeah, lucky ass just flickering in the wind, your
Speaker 1: little freaks. But no, in that moment, I did feel
Speaker 1: really validated because I felt like he had witnessed it
Speaker 1: and he was like, why is she like this? And
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't know, and it seems to
Speaker 1: be getting worse and worse, and I'm so over it
Speaker 1: because the.
Speaker 5: Thing about it is, right is like I'm exhausted at
Speaker 5: the moment.
Speaker 1: I'm working the most I've ever worked while having a child. Yes, right, definitely,
Speaker 1: So since having Rue, I'm the busiest I've ever been.
Speaker 1: And she's the most difficult she's ever been, but also
Speaker 1: the most like on me. And I kind of liken
Speaker 1: it too, you know, when you're trying to get out
Speaker 1: of like a T shirt or a jumper that's a
Speaker 1: little bit too tight, or maybe address you've gotta pull
Speaker 1: over your head, get tired, your head get stuck, and
Speaker 1: there's like that three seconds where you're just kind of
Speaker 1: slightly panicked and like, oh, he.
Speaker 5: Need go get it off, get it off, get it off.
Speaker 5: It's like that, but it doesn't end. It's like that
Speaker 5: the whole time.
Speaker 2: But is the greatest analogy I've heard about being touched
Speaker 2: out by a.
Speaker 5: Kid, and it was the sading.
Speaker 1: It was this morning that made me think of it
Speaker 1: because I was like finishing my notes for our show
Speaker 1: and I was.
Speaker 5: Just peeling her off, like peeling her off, like get
Speaker 5: off me.
Speaker 1: Charlie is trying to set up my birthday, Girk, but
Speaker 1: you got me a record player, and he's just like, sorry, boy,
Speaker 1: I'm trying to set this up and do a nice
Speaker 1: thing for you. It's like no, no, get her off nice,
Speaker 1: Like I get it, but stop that, we'll do it later.
Speaker 3: Like the player is not important. What is important is
Speaker 3: getting this thing off me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just a lot, and I think you don't
Speaker 1: realize it. So it is really important that you have
Speaker 1: those breaks, and I think.
Speaker 2: And acknowledge that it's bloody hard. Remember when we were
Speaker 2: trying to work and Lenny was on his thick day
Speaker 2: and he would not get off me.
Speaker 1: I know, I felt so I was just looking at.
Speaker 2: Me and I was like I kept losing it, and
Speaker 2: I'm like sorry for losing it, but I was just
Speaker 2: like he was sitting on my lap and then trying
Speaker 2: to touch the laptop, but then like glaring at key
Speaker 2: because you had the audacity of being in his house.
Speaker 2: And then we were trying to film something and he'd
Speaker 2: just like follow us around and then literally like sit
Speaker 2: on me while we were trying to film something.
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like it was a school in Brisbane.
Speaker 1: It was like a Christian school or whatever, and I
Speaker 1: had the daylight rule where basically girls and boys.
Speaker 5: It's so stupid.
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna say this, there had to be daylight
Speaker 1: between you and I just want to yell at Roos
Speaker 1: sometimes like daylight, daylight too klose, if the sun come
Speaker 1: shines through us.
Speaker 5: You're too close?
Speaker 3: Too close? Do you need to cut up?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 3: Then get off?
Speaker 1: Actually that Real Housewives of Beverly Hills thinking if I.
Speaker 2: Can smell your breath you're too close, take a step back, Yes, sir, Literally,
Speaker 2: they do get weird.
Speaker 5: Little they do. They do.
Speaker 1: I let her in cheese before bed the other night,
Speaker 1: and I was like, she did not brush.
Speaker 2: Probably because also I always think about that quote now
Speaker 2: where it's like when you're about to lose it, think
Speaker 2: about when you're eighty, like looking back on this moment
Speaker 2: and how much you wish that you would be in it.
Speaker 2: And this morning, as I was surfboard like holding Lenny
Speaker 2: like her surfboard to the car and he's screaming and
Speaker 2: flapping around like an old fish. Yeah, I thought of that,
Speaker 2: and I thought, Nah, when I'm eighty, I'm going to
Speaker 2: sit back with a drink and think, thank fuck, I'm
Speaker 2: not surfboarding two year olds right now.
Speaker 1: But honestly, Rue's gotten to the point where she is
Speaker 1: too heavy for me to lift. Yes, and I know
Speaker 1: it's taken me a long time because she's skin and bones,
Speaker 1: but we've gotten to the point and it is just
Speaker 1: this strong little bath tabs really difficult, and you don't
Speaker 1: realize when physic.
Speaker 5: No, you are much stronger than I am.
Speaker 2: Definitely not fitter. Actually, where did that come from? I'm
Speaker 2: the least fit person.
Speaker 5: But yeah, you do have some good guns.
Speaker 1: But even Charlie was like, I'm struggling to like carry her.
Speaker 1: And even our barista because we take rue over every
Speaker 1: morning and she she's been like sitting her on the
Speaker 1: bench and Charlie's like, I think she's getting too heavy
Speaker 1: for an as a whole.
Speaker 5: And I was like, yeah, because.
Speaker 2: They're solid, but they still think that their babies in
Speaker 2: should be carried and they're dead right.
Speaker 3: And it's like and especially.
Speaker 1: In these moments where you're trying to get them off you,
Speaker 1: they just go limp and they're heavy. That's like a
Speaker 1: block of cement, fourteen kilos of cement. It's like, mummy
Speaker 1: can't do this. Get away anyway. I was just ten
Speaker 1: minutes of us being.
Speaker 5: Like, get off baby.
Speaker 2: I bet people are listening to this at home though,
Speaker 2: as they try to peel a child off them. Yeah, yeah, exactly,
Speaker 2: a baby on their boob and they're just like, I
Speaker 2: get related. Then their husband comes home because you know
Speaker 2: what this I am going to stereotype because I guarantee you.
Speaker 3: Women wouldn't do this to each other.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like if you're in a lesbian relationship, a woman
Speaker 2: would come home and be like, you know what, I'm.
Speaker 3: Going to give you a head scratch or like a
Speaker 3: something good.
Speaker 2: Where as a man comes home and goes, oh, starving,
Speaker 2: I haven't had anything to eat yet.
Speaker 3: I got a treat for you. It's in my pants.
Speaker 3: Fuck right off, just get in the bin, go to jail,
Speaker 3: get out.
Speaker 2: We wanted our shitters input in this one, and not
Speaker 2: one person that responded to my little call out with
Speaker 2: my pesky questions said that their child didn't have a
Speaker 2: preferred parent, which I thought was interesting. Oh really, okay,
Speaker 2: one person. So it's very normal. So if you're living
Speaker 2: through this at the moment, very normal.
Speaker 5: That's good.
Speaker 2: It's not good, but at least like what it is
Speaker 2: because making me I feel like seventy four percent said
Speaker 2: it was with them, So seventy four percent of listeners
Speaker 2: it was with them, and twenty six percent said that
Speaker 2: it was their partner. Interestingly, twenty percent said the preferred
Speaker 2: parent wasn't the primary parent, which I thought was wild.
Speaker 2: I just assumed it would be closer to ninety five percent,
Speaker 2: like I thought, maybe there's a few little jerks that
Speaker 2: are like, oh, you do everything for me.
Speaker 3: I'm just going to still prefer the other parent.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I did read that, and I thought, I wonder
Speaker 1: the age of the kids. I wonder if they have
Speaker 1: a sibling.
Speaker 2: Like one of my questions was about like when did
Speaker 2: it change? Did it change? Roughly sixty percent of respondent
Speaker 2: said it never did change, like just pretty much from
Speaker 2: day dok, kind of like me, I guess, yeah, it
Speaker 2: was just mum's the word. Thirty percent said it change
Speaker 2: when they had another baby.
Speaker 1: This is what all my girlfriends say. And sorry to
Speaker 1: put it in blank terms, but they're like, it's actually
Speaker 1: nice having a second baby because the toddlers all about
Speaker 1: daddy O.
Speaker 3: And I'm like, yeah, and the baby would probably seem
Speaker 3: a little bit easier.
Speaker 2: Newborns are sorry other people's newborns no, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 2: you can say that the people. Whenever I'm hanging out
Speaker 2: with other people's babies, I'm like, oh my god, it's
Speaker 2: like a dream.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I find this toddler stage why more challenging newborn?
Speaker 2: But I do know that I don't, but I can
Speaker 2: relate because I hang out with so many other babies
Speaker 2: and I always am like, why is the baby the
Speaker 2: easiest person here?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: So I thought that that was just so interesting because
Speaker 2: I guess, yeah, the older child is going to gravitate
Speaker 2: towards then next parient if the og primary is now
Speaker 2: perpetually attached to something small that screams on. And also
Speaker 2: they're probably feeling a little bit like, oh, well, mummies
Speaker 2: got this new baby.
Speaker 5: Yes.
Speaker 1: Actually, my mother's group friend Vic just had her second baby,
Speaker 1: and I was like, how's it all going. She's like,
Speaker 1: Henriette's really off me at the moment.
Speaker 3: And I was like, there's such like jerks.
Speaker 2: Because one shitter actually said our todd that was pretty
Speaker 2: resentful towards me because of the arrival of our new baby.
Speaker 2: He loves the baby and really dotes on him, thankfully,
Speaker 2: but he was very cold towards me for a few weeks.
Speaker 2: That just made me laugh so much.
Speaker 3: Like there's such little jerk sometimes.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they know what they're doing, like, oh, you had
Speaker 1: another baby, so I'm gonna hang out with daddy.
Speaker 2: Dad, I don't want to hang out with you anymore,
Speaker 2: filly old mull so key. I did ask the shitter
Speaker 2: is how did it affect you slash your relationship? I thought,
Speaker 2: I'm just gonna run you through some of the responses
Speaker 2: so that we can discuss.
Speaker 1: And I haven't read these or anything. No, this is
Speaker 1: my actual response.
Speaker 2: I just think they're so honest and will make other
Speaker 2: people feel better about whether they're feeling. And as always,
Speaker 2: we will share more on socials. I just know that
Speaker 2: when I was reading through them, I was like, oh,
Speaker 2: I just felt seen and.
Speaker 1: Well, can I just say like that is our strength?
Speaker 1: I think that we have this amazing community of shit
Speaker 1: is it's like mother's group. So it's like as if
Speaker 1: we're coming together and sharing our stories like that is
Speaker 1: I think, which makes us so different?
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, sir.
Speaker 2: As soon as I went back to work when my
Speaker 2: son was ten months old, it was almost overnight that
Speaker 2: my husband became the preferred parent. Even though he went
Speaker 2: to daycare and we share the parental load fifty to fifty,
Speaker 2: he still prefers my husband for all activities. This breaks
Speaker 2: my heart as he pushes me away and yells for dad.
Speaker 2: I'm pregnant and my hormones are not coping. I can't
Speaker 2: help but feel it's because I didn't breastfeed. Many experts
Speaker 2: say that it creates a special bond between mother and child,
Speaker 2: but maybe our bond isn't as strong as I thought.
Speaker 3: It was.
Speaker 5: I read this one and just.
Speaker 2: Was like, oh my god, no, those stupid experts.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I've had a gutful of that.
Speaker 2: I've had a gut full because you do not need
Speaker 2: meet one adult and say, oh, you've got a great
Speaker 2: relationship with your mom.
Speaker 5: Do you breastfeed? Heyck? Were you breastfed?
Speaker 6: Oh?
Speaker 5: Yeah, I was, say you were in your.
Speaker 3: Mom's that's so true.
Speaker 5: I was, yeah, there you go, there you go.
Speaker 2: Example, I wasn't breastfed, and I've got a fantastic well
Speaker 2: sorry I was, but like I think she gave up
Speaker 2: pretty quickly. She was like, but this, I've got a
Speaker 2: great relationship with my mum. So that is so inaccurate.
Speaker 2: And I'm so sorry that people made you feel that way.
Speaker 2: This is just a really shitty time.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and the pregnancy hormones, Like I can't even imagine
Speaker 1: how having to deal with that and see that we.
Speaker 3: Love you, Yes we do, and we don't think that
Speaker 3: it's got anything to do with it, and we're experts,
Speaker 3: are his obviously it makes me feel quite hurt. Honestly.
Speaker 2: I know they don't mean too but it makes me
Speaker 2: feel helpless and a little unloved. I am a kindergarten teacher.
Speaker 2: So I know that this is normal and I see
Speaker 2: it happen a lot, but when it happens to you,
Speaker 2: it hits on a different level. I feel like, I
Speaker 2: don't know what you did help my partner because he
Speaker 2: gets so frustrated and overwhelmed and at the moment he's
Speaker 2: just not getting a moment to breathe. And if I
Speaker 2: try to help, I get screamed at or pushed away,
Speaker 2: and it absolutely.
Speaker 5: Breaks my heart.
Speaker 3: Can I just say, it's so valid dating to hear
Speaker 3: from a professional. Yeah, they say it every single day.
Speaker 2: But she's like, it's still killing me, of course, because
Speaker 2: it would kill me when I'm winging. By the way,
Speaker 2: if it was Luke, like Luke's always like, honestly, just
Speaker 2: does not bother me.
Speaker 3: It's never bothered me.
Speaker 5: He's so he.
Speaker 2: Said it bothers me because of how worked up you get. Yeah,
Speaker 2: but he said, nothing to do with land. He just
Speaker 2: can recognize that it's so normal. If it was the opposite,
Speaker 2: I'd be like.
Speaker 1: I think, yeah, exactly. I think as a mother, you
Speaker 1: as a mother, it's just hard like you grew that
Speaker 1: baby or in the relationship, like you are the mom
Speaker 1: that there's this expectation that the baby should love you
Speaker 1: the most.
Speaker 2: Yeah than anyone. Husband feels pretty unloved. He doesn't resent me,
Speaker 2: but he definitely lets me drown in the overwhelm and
Speaker 2: thinks it's just my lot given I'm the trothsan one.
Speaker 2: I could relate to this so much though, because sometimes
Speaker 2: Luke sort of just hovers and watches Lenny pour at
Speaker 2: me and scream at me, and I think, can you
Speaker 2: get this child off me? Like, step up a bit,
Speaker 2: take the child off me. Maybe try to do something
Speaker 2: that makes you more likable. Yeah, I know that's really brutal,
Speaker 2: but that's just the way. Make him a game that
Speaker 2: he can't resist. Just try something. It's not just my
Speaker 2: responsibility because he's Lenny's turning it into my responsibility.
Speaker 3: You're an adult, Yeah, so I totally get how this
Speaker 3: woman is feeling as well.
Speaker 2: Well.
Speaker 5: I also think.
Speaker 1: About like the rejection on the dads and two, like
Speaker 1: it's just everyone's feeling the same way, right Like one,
Speaker 1: I know when Charlie has tried to help me many
Speaker 1: a time, and you know, Rue just flies off the handles.
Speaker 5: He's just like she just doesn't.
Speaker 1: Want me, like well' and I'm like, oh, I know, babe,
Speaker 1: it's just a phase, but I know it just feels
Speaker 1: really shit that I can't help you.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and also that you probably feeling a bit unloved.
Speaker 3: This lady said.
Speaker 2: He feels so her husband feels incredibly left out. No
Speaker 2: one cares about me in this family.
Speaker 5: Oh that's really sad.
Speaker 3: It feels like.
Speaker 2: Us my two girls and me is the mom. Then
Speaker 2: him way over there. But she's then said this, he
Speaker 2: never wanted to help at the start. He doesn't like
Speaker 2: the baby face. All the responsibilities fell on me, and
Speaker 2: now the girls too.
Speaker 3: I kind of love the responses.
Speaker 2: Now the girls just want to be around me. I
Speaker 2: guess you rep what yourself? You just know that She
Speaker 2: typed that, like, re what yourself?
Speaker 3: Motherfucker.
Speaker 2: I adore the girls and I love that they love
Speaker 2: me and want me all the time. But I do
Speaker 2: feel somewhat resentful, especially when I'm sick and I need
Speaker 2: the support and the girls just don't want him. However,
Speaker 2: I do get it fulfillment from doing all the.
Speaker 3: Tasks that I do.
Speaker 2: She talks about this a little bit more, and then
Speaker 2: she's saying it's fine, like we will get through this.
Speaker 2: It is definitely just a phase, but she's trying to
Speaker 2: encourage the toddlers to sort of spend more time with
Speaker 2: him and that sort of thing. But yeah, it'd be
Speaker 2: really hard to be that bloke and feel like I'm,
Speaker 2: you know, the left out party in the family.
Speaker 1: I know, and if you don't have the capacity to
Speaker 1: be able to be like it's going to change, it's
Speaker 1: going to change. You're just building resentment on resentment and
Speaker 1: be really difficult.
Speaker 2: Because yeah, no one wants to not be included, So
Speaker 2: a response from someone else it's actually their POV. I
Speaker 2: feel like I'm a separate entity from them. They are
Speaker 2: the family unit and I am the other person. I
Speaker 2: know it's not personal, but it really stings. At times
Speaker 2: I feel useless or like I've done something wrong.
Speaker 5: You haven't done anything wrong.
Speaker 1: It's so hard you haven't done anything wrong.
Speaker 5: Far out.
Speaker 2: I sometimes really spiral, and I think it's because I've
Speaker 2: done something to damage the attachment, and it can feel
Speaker 2: really tough. It's actually such an important topic on both
Speaker 2: sides because like, yes, Key and I've been winging a
Speaker 2: lot and saying how overstimulated and touched out or whatnot.
Speaker 2: But I just really want to validate anyone on the
Speaker 2: other end who's also feeling like shit, because it would
Speaker 2: be heartbreaking. And it's all well and good for peace
Speaker 2: to say how normal it is, but if you're in that,
Speaker 2: it would be so hard.
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, you just feel really isolated, wouldn't you, And like,
Speaker 1: no one I must not be able.
Speaker 3: To like soothe or careful for the child and a
Speaker 3: partner for that matter, I feel like they're part of
Speaker 3: the family. Yeah, should we talk about strategies?
Speaker 5: Oh, I love this.
Speaker 3: I've tried to be a little bit helpful. So I
Speaker 3: found an article. I don't like a lot of articles.
Speaker 2: I just think they're but this one, in particular, experts
Speaker 2: articles articles.
Speaker 3: Any experts on anything. I'm just like, shut up.
Speaker 2: Oh, it's just because you're always looking at it through
Speaker 2: this evangelical lens. If I've been there, done that, and
Speaker 2: now I can pass down my wisdom in.
Speaker 3: It, So shut up.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I understand, I understand.
Speaker 3: Unless you're gen from connected parenting.
Speaker 5: Yeah she will, she's a guardian angel.
Speaker 2: But it was on big little feelings And I do
Speaker 2: really like this page and Insta I think that they're amazing.
Speaker 2: The article is called how to get your toddler to
Speaker 2: embrace quality time with both parents. And then it starts
Speaker 2: off with at the end of a long day with
Speaker 2: your kid, there's nothing better than hearing your partners say
Speaker 2: you've done so much, I'll take care of bath time
Speaker 2: and bedtime.
Speaker 3: You just relax and you're like, fuck, eh, you're just
Speaker 3: gonna sit back.
Speaker 2: Do you hold yourself a glass wine? You're sitting on
Speaker 2: the couch queuing up your Netflix and you hear it
Speaker 2: the cries of a devastated toddler echoing down the hall,
Speaker 2: and ride into your heart.
Speaker 1: Oh it's hard, daddy, No duba, mummy, do ba.
Speaker 2: Mummy, doba, And then they've put the caveat in for
Speaker 2: the record, parental preference isn't always mum, and parental preference
Speaker 2: is a thing in all kinds of beautiful families, of course,
Speaker 2: So then they go in to It is exhausting to
Speaker 2: be the chosen one. You're the go to for every
Speaker 2: little thing. It's enough to make you hate the sound
Speaker 2: of your own name. And if you're the one that
Speaker 2: they don't want, it can be equally frustrating and honestly heartbreaking.
Speaker 2: You want to be a good parent and a good partner,
Speaker 2: but It is so tough when your child like they
Speaker 2: can't even stand to have to breathe the same error
Speaker 2: as you. So it goes on, but then it goes
Speaker 2: into strategies. Step one, Start small, so when you're at
Speaker 2: the end of your robe, it is tempting to change
Speaker 2: everything and anything at the same time. But for things
Speaker 2: to actually work, you need to start small. So you
Speaker 2: choose one activity or routine to start with. And then
Speaker 2: they've used bath time as an example, so prep your toddler.
Speaker 2: Starting tonight, Mummy and daddy are going to take turns
Speaker 2: doing bath time. We both love you and we love
Speaker 2: doing bath time with you, so we're going to take turns.
Speaker 2: Tonight it's going to be daddy's turn, and then tomorrow
Speaker 2: be Mummy's turn. We're going to make a chart together
Speaker 2: to help us remember whose turn it is. Step three
Speaker 2: use visuals because toddlers are so visual and they're very
Speaker 2: concrete thinkers.
Speaker 1: Well you're gonna say, because noddlers are so dumb.
Speaker 3: So dumb.
Speaker 2: Well, so to help them better understand the concept of
Speaker 2: taking turns, create a chart, get them to help. If
Speaker 2: they like craft, I mean, I obviously won't let money
Speaker 2: help you because I'd be like, no, you're going to
Speaker 2: ruin my flock.
Speaker 3: You can't touch my craft things.
Speaker 2: But you could put like you and your partner's face
Speaker 2: on the chart and moved around so that they can
Speaker 2: visually see that. Step for let them lead with something
Speaker 2: age appropriate. And I remember Jen talked about this in
Speaker 2: our episode. Their brains cannot cope with huge decisions and
Speaker 2: huge leadership.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but don't give them too much power.
Speaker 2: Basically, but you can tap into their desire to be
Speaker 2: in charge by giving them an age appropriate leadership opportunity.
Speaker 2: As an example, have them check the chart to see
Speaker 2: whose turn it is to do bath time, and they
Speaker 2: cross off each day because that's like the perfect amount
Speaker 2: of responsibility. See things like this is so helpful. They
Speaker 2: are so then they've even included a script. Okay, it's bathtime.
Speaker 2: Let's check the chart to see whose turn it is.
Speaker 2: Can you point to whose turn it is? Yes, it's
Speaker 2: mummy's turn to do bath time. Let's mark it off
Speaker 2: the chart with a sticker. Do you want to use
Speaker 2: a blue sticker or a red sticker?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 5: Cute?
Speaker 3: Cute sometimes easy. Just chuck them in and what to god,
Speaker 3: I don't know what it's like, and they're like more stickers.
Speaker 2: See once again, though it's always better when you're looking
Speaker 2: at it from the outside, Yeah, because then it's more stickers,
Speaker 2: more stickers, but I want to cover my body with stickers. Finally,
Speaker 2: you'll wrap up the steps by reassuring your toddl of
Speaker 2: your love and reminding them of whose turn it is next.
Speaker 5: It's Dad's turn tomorrow. Don't you forget it? Don't you
Speaker 5: forget it?
Speaker 3: Because that was awful.
Speaker 2: You screamed at me every single second while I tried
Speaker 2: to do your willy and do your teeth and ah,
Speaker 2: their pushback doesn't mean you give up. It means you
Speaker 2: stick to your decisions and you support your little ones
Speaker 2: through their upset feelings. Thank god they included that, because
Speaker 2: I thought there will be a lot of feelings. But
Speaker 2: then they go on about how it can take a
Speaker 2: while for them to get used to these things and
Speaker 2: it won't always be pushback.
Speaker 3: So I just thought that article is really good, we
Speaker 3: will include it.
Speaker 1: I love practical things like that, like, obviously there'll be
Speaker 1: a little bit of transition depending on kind of the
Speaker 1: personality type that you have, but it's not lots of
Speaker 1: hard work, and it's things that you can kind of
Speaker 1: just like stick to and get into the routine. I
Speaker 1: like it, Yeah, I like it.
Speaker 2: The things that we do is that, well, we don't
Speaker 2: really have that many good strategies for at home, so
Speaker 2: I think implementing these sorts of things will be good.
Speaker 3: Luke does take Lenny out a.
Speaker 2: Lot, though, Yeah, So I have space for myself at home. Yeah,
Speaker 2: because sometimes Luke's like, why don't you just got it?
Speaker 2: I'm like, I don't want to.
Speaker 3: Sometimes I want to be in my own home without
Speaker 3: someone being screamed at.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 2: But also then the more he does that, I find
Speaker 2: the more Lenny won't kick up a fuss about leaving
Speaker 2: me so much like you'll be like, I can't. I've
Speaker 2: packed my little bag, got my toys by mummy because
Speaker 2: he's going to his cousin's house, or he's going to
Speaker 2: the shops to get a new car that he absolutely
Speaker 2: doesn't need. And I also try to encourage without forcing him.
Speaker 2: Len does prefer me to do bedtime, and it's just,
Speaker 2: honestly not a hill I'm willing to die on most
Speaker 2: of the time.
Speaker 3: I'm like, whatever, well you at the end of the day,
Speaker 3: you too want the break.
Speaker 5: Yeah, like, I'll do it fine.
Speaker 2: But I'm like, oh, I really think it would be
Speaker 2: nice if you gave daddy a cuddle before bed.
Speaker 3: Yeah, because I'm like, that's so mean that he's like, now.
Speaker 5: I hate the word no.
Speaker 3: Now I do school drop off.
Speaker 2: So Luke does pick up, and Luke gets him up
Speaker 2: every single weekend day since I do weekdays and Lenny
Speaker 2: has been taught. Sometimes he does resist, but that he's
Speaker 2: not allowed to come into the bedroom. Oh if I'm sleeping,
Speaker 2: if the door shut, I'm like, absolutely fucking not.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Nice.
Speaker 3: What sort of things do you guys have? Strategy do
Speaker 3: you have implemented?
Speaker 1: I have weekends off and I'm usually off on holidays too,
Speaker 1: so that's something to look forward to. Charlie's also been
Speaker 1: coming home earlier, so he's been taking over bedtime, which
Speaker 1: has been really helpful. It's meant that I can actually
Speaker 1: squeeze in a bit more work because often my working
Speaker 1: day comes to a massive halt because I've got to
Speaker 1: do pick up. The mornings are really their time. So
Speaker 1: he gets her up, they get coffees, he feeds her
Speaker 1: wheat bits, gets her dressed, does daycad. She just drop
Speaker 1: off Some days, depending on what I've got to do,
Speaker 1: you know that day. I think having set things that
Speaker 1: you do as primary and secondary care is really makes
Speaker 1: a difference because they look forward to those moments like
Speaker 1: that's their routine, that's their time with each of us individually.
Speaker 1: So I know, if I'll do a morning drop off,
Speaker 1: she'll be like, Daddy, yeah, but she kind of knows
Speaker 1: because that routine has established for kids. Yeah, and she
Speaker 1: looks forward to it because she knows, you know. But
Speaker 1: I also note that this might not be feasible. I'm
Speaker 1: thinking about people that have partners that might be fi
Speaker 1: fo or or they might be single or solo parents.
Speaker 1: But I think it's kind of the same idea here,
Speaker 1: is like carving out a set time each week for
Speaker 1: your kids to spend with either a family member, a
Speaker 1: friend that you trust, or getting a babysit up, because
Speaker 1: you're both going to look forward to that time, Like
Speaker 1: once that routine is established, just like the mornings that
Speaker 1: Charlie have together, say like every Sunday you have a
Speaker 1: babysitter a family member that comes for two hours, Say
Speaker 1: so you can go for a walk, go for a
Speaker 1: walk like the other day becks just put Goldie into
Speaker 1: day care and finally Beck and she's like, I did
Speaker 1: the grocery shop by myself and it was so enjoyable.
Speaker 5: It's a little thing.
Speaker 1: It can be feeling like any activity that you're doing
Speaker 1: with a toddlet, you're running the gauntlet. I feel like
Speaker 1: I'm one of those like you feel show where you're
Speaker 1: like running and they're like.
Speaker 2: Yes, you're stressed the whole time about even realizing that
Speaker 2: you are.
Speaker 1: So sometimes it's nice, just like ticking a chore off
Speaker 1: your list without a screaming toddler who's just like on
Speaker 1: top of you. So I think for anyone that doesn't happen,
Speaker 1: Up up Up, I know, up up, and I'm like, no,
Speaker 1: you get.
Speaker 3: Too heavy, Like I'm not just carrying you around.
Speaker 5: Absolutely not.
Speaker 1: So I think, yeah, having that time, especially if you
Speaker 1: don't have a partner or your partner works away or whatever,
Speaker 1: calming out that time. I know it may mean forking
Speaker 1: out a bit of money in that case if you
Speaker 1: have to get a babysitter, But.
Speaker 5: If you are worth it, you're worth it.
Speaker 1: Like, I think we need to prioritize ourselves as a
Speaker 1: preferred parents don't as well. I know, well I do,
Speaker 1: but most most mustn't confidence of a white middle aged man.
Speaker 1: All right, recommendations time, Kelleu mccurran, you're up.
Speaker 2: My recommendation kind of ties beautifully off your strategies. Oh
Speaker 2: I really want the shitter is I want you to
Speaker 2: map time out for yourself. Oh, get a family calendar.
Speaker 3: Do you have a family calendar?
Speaker 1: We have, yeah, but it's not digital like we have
Speaker 1: it up and now that's what I mean.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what Yeah, get a nice one, put it
Speaker 2: on the fridge and have it months in advance. So
Speaker 2: put things on the calendar. Yeah, no matter what it is,
Speaker 2: stuff that you don't want to forget, and also time
Speaker 2: for yourself.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I get so frustrated.
Speaker 2: And I know that I shouldn't because I know that
Speaker 2: everyone's different. But when people will be like they let
Speaker 2: their partner be so incompetent, Yeah, and they do they
Speaker 2: let that person do it because you chose to have
Speaker 2: a baby with them.
Speaker 3: Why are you letting them be so incompetent?
Speaker 1: And response to that though, like sometimes they have tried
Speaker 1: and it's just not That's.
Speaker 2: Why I'm saying, get the family calendar though, and put
Speaker 2: hey babe, Saturday, it's on the calendar. I'm going for
Speaker 2: a walk.
Speaker 5: Yeah, okay, so small things.
Speaker 2: Just oh god, it doesn't need to be a week
Speaker 2: and away, although I would love you to build your
Speaker 2: way up to that, please because girls' weekends are very
Speaker 2: important as our boys' weekends. If you're a bloke and
Speaker 2: you're listening, so actually putting things. I'm doing this for
Speaker 2: myself on Saturday. It's in the family calendar. Unless it's
Speaker 2: an emergency, it shan't be moved and just little things.
Speaker 3: Go get a coffee with a friend. Yeah, just something small,
Speaker 3: got for dinner? Anything?
Speaker 5: I love that.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much for joining us today. Please share
Speaker 3: the pot on your socials. Please and review us. It
Speaker 3: means so much and let us know what you think.
Speaker 3: You can find us.
Speaker 2: At Key Reese, at Kelly Underscore McCarron and at ASSR
Speaker 2: dot Pod.
Speaker 1: This episode was produced by myself, Key Resells and the
Speaker 1: Lovely Kelly McCarran, with audio production by Madeline Joanna.
Speaker 5: We'll see you next week. Shitter is Bye.