WEBVTT - Your Libido Didn’t Disappear, It's The Mental Load 0:00:08.193 --> 0:00:15.754 You're listening to a mom with Mere podcast. Mariam, what 0:00:15.874 --> 0:00:17.114 gets you going sexually? 0:00:17.393 --> 0:00:23.674 It is when my husband shows up, just appears. When 0:00:23.674 --> 0:00:28.394 he does like things without me asking, right, So, my goodness, 0:00:28.514 --> 0:00:31.354 Like he's packed the kids their lunches, he's taken a 0:00:31.354 --> 0:00:35.314 bit of my mental load. He's done a bit of cleaning. 0:00:35.674 --> 0:00:38.074 Men do not understand. 0:00:38.114 --> 0:00:44.394 Okay, men do not understand me. Take a little bit 0:00:44.434 --> 0:00:44.993 of mental load. 0:00:45.354 --> 0:00:47.513 So hot, it is so hot, so hot. 0:00:53.434 --> 0:00:56.234 Hi there, welcome to Well your Full Body Health Check. 0:00:56.273 --> 0:00:57.554 I'm Claire Murphy. 0:00:57.234 --> 0:00:59.313 And I'm doctor Mariam. 0:00:59.074 --> 0:01:03.353 And today we're talking about the Beato fun time to 0:01:03.394 --> 0:01:07.834 get spicy. There is always a lot of Harrison's about 0:01:07.834 --> 0:01:11.314 how women's health issues have been overlooked while men get 0:01:11.314 --> 0:01:15.074 pills for a rectile dysfunction, But there are actually pills 0:01:15.074 --> 0:01:19.194 for women's desire too, which we will discuss. But we'll 0:01:19.234 --> 0:01:21.834 also touch on what it is about us that so 0:01:22.034 --> 0:01:25.514 many of us do seem to lose spark over time. 0:01:26.194 --> 0:01:29.034 We'll also have a quick consult for Catherine today. She's 0:01:29.114 --> 0:01:31.314 got a ticking clock issue and she wants to know 0:01:31.354 --> 0:01:34.514 how to maybe quieten it down just a little bit. 0:01:35.194 --> 0:01:38.074 But next mariamy you a blow dry girl, after you 0:01:38.154 --> 0:01:39.634 wash your hair or do you let it just do 0:01:39.714 --> 0:01:40.674 its thing and andry. 0:01:40.954 --> 0:01:43.594 I'm gonna be honest. I actually wash my hair every 0:01:43.674 --> 0:01:48.114 seven to ten days. I know, I know, you know why. 0:01:48.274 --> 0:01:50.954 I have so much hair, So I have to blow 0:01:51.034 --> 0:01:53.394 dry my hair after I've had to wash. But I 0:01:53.434 --> 0:01:55.594 do it in segments because there's so much and it 0:01:55.634 --> 0:01:56.514 takes so long. 0:01:58.034 --> 0:02:01.594 Oh, this is me crying you tears of sadness for 0:02:01.634 --> 0:02:04.714 your I have so much glorious flowing hair that it 0:02:04.754 --> 0:02:07.034 takes me hours to dry, so much work. 0:02:07.234 --> 0:02:10.113 I actually get like I sweat, it's like almost need 0:02:10.194 --> 0:02:13.194 to shower again. So I'll do like a light blow 0:02:13.274 --> 0:02:15.394 dry to start with, and then I'll do like a 0:02:15.474 --> 0:02:17.994 quarter and proper and then I'll just take a couple 0:02:18.034 --> 0:02:20.953 of hours off and then revisit. 0:02:20.474 --> 0:02:22.794 Over two days, just take breaks between. 0:02:23.754 --> 0:02:26.514 It hurts my arms so painful. 0:02:26.954 --> 0:02:30.754 Rip your hairdresser. Okay, Well, next in med school, I'm 0:02:30.754 --> 0:02:33.874 gonna reveal which one to blow dry or not to 0:02:33.914 --> 0:02:36.594 blow dry is actually better for your hair. Welcome to 0:02:36.674 --> 0:02:40.073 med school. Is it better for your hair to leave 0:02:40.074 --> 0:02:43.554 it to dry naturally or use a blow dry? I 0:02:43.634 --> 0:02:47.194 unlike you with your glorious tresses have very fine hair, 0:02:47.354 --> 0:02:50.354 not a lot of it, so I almost have to 0:02:50.474 --> 0:02:53.194 race from the shower to the hair dry before it 0:02:53.234 --> 0:02:54.394 starts drying by itself. 0:02:54.434 --> 0:02:55.754 What happens if it dries. 0:02:55.914 --> 0:02:58.434 If it dries naturally by itself, it ends up in 0:02:58.474 --> 0:03:02.314 weird shapes. Okay, so it's naturally straight, so I don't 0:03:02.354 --> 0:03:04.434 straighten it. But if I don't blow dried, it's almost 0:03:04.474 --> 0:03:07.874 stuck to my scalp and it's very flat, so it 0:03:07.874 --> 0:03:10.234 needs some kind of air in there for vol But 0:03:10.474 --> 0:03:13.954 if you've ever visited a hairdresser, they will have different opinions, 0:03:13.954 --> 0:03:16.634 which is funny because they'll tell you you need to 0:03:16.674 --> 0:03:19.794 put stuff on your hair to protect it from any heat, 0:03:19.874 --> 0:03:21.594 and we use a lot of heat with curlers or 0:03:21.594 --> 0:03:25.354 straighteners or hair dryers whilst they simultaneously fry your hair 0:03:25.394 --> 0:03:28.914 as they blow right from the roots right. But here's 0:03:28.914 --> 0:03:32.074 the thing. Your hair can absorb about thirty percent of 0:03:32.114 --> 0:03:34.594 its weight when it's wet, so it soaks up the 0:03:34.634 --> 0:03:37.994 water and swells from the inside. So what that means 0:03:38.074 --> 0:03:41.714 is it's stretching your hair's outer layer or cuticle, and 0:03:41.794 --> 0:03:44.714 that puts pressure on the cell membrane complex. That's the 0:03:44.754 --> 0:03:47.434 glue that holds all those cuticles together and forms the 0:03:47.514 --> 0:03:49.874 length of your hair. So if you leave it wet, 0:03:50.354 --> 0:03:53.994 it stays in that vulnerable swollen state for longer, and 0:03:54.034 --> 0:03:57.474 then cracks can form due to that swelling. That is 0:03:57.514 --> 0:04:01.074 what then causes damage to the cuticle itself, and sometimes 0:04:01.114 --> 0:04:03.154 it can also cause your color to fade because the 0:04:03.154 --> 0:04:05.634 color is absorbed in them. And then if you leave 0:04:05.674 --> 0:04:07.874 it wet and out to dry naturally, can crack that 0:04:07.994 --> 0:04:11.474 and make the color stuff to go right, So, what 0:04:11.594 --> 0:04:14.434 is the best option for hair health? According to research? Yes, 0:04:14.634 --> 0:04:18.553 research has been done on this. Blow drying on medium 0:04:18.594 --> 0:04:24.714 heat from fifteen centimeters away fifteen fifteen Oh jeez, I know. 0:04:24.674 --> 0:04:27.914 It's it's fair ways away from your head. That's more 0:04:28.034 --> 0:04:28.433 arm work. 0:04:28.513 --> 0:04:30.513 It is more armor. You can get bigger by steps, 0:04:30.794 --> 0:04:34.794 keep the dryer moving so it doesn't heat up one 0:04:34.834 --> 0:04:37.434 area for too long, and then drying it till it's 0:04:37.474 --> 0:04:40.314 just about eighty percent and then leaving the rest to 0:04:40.354 --> 0:04:44.234 dry naturally. Okay, that apparently causes less damage than just 0:04:44.474 --> 0:04:47.913 doing nothing. So little bit of heat not too much. 0:04:48.034 --> 0:04:50.033 So apparently then too, you should finish off with a 0:04:50.034 --> 0:04:52.593 bit of a cool blast of air because it helps 0:04:52.594 --> 0:04:55.714 seal the cutical part of it and also stops the 0:04:55.794 --> 0:04:56.794 residual heat. 0:04:57.553 --> 0:04:58.993 And it holds its shape longer. 0:04:59.313 --> 0:05:03.154 Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, So just measure fifteen to get 0:05:03.154 --> 0:05:07.474 a ruler. Jeez, measure fifteen centimeters away from you head. 0:05:07.753 --> 0:05:09.553 Yeah, it's going to be a little bit hard work 0:05:10.313 --> 0:05:10.714 about that. 0:05:11.474 --> 0:05:14.393 On the way, today's check up, where we are off 0:05:14.393 --> 0:05:18.914 in search of all of our lost libidos, never found? 0:05:20.113 --> 0:05:20.874 Where did they go? 0:05:22.633 --> 0:05:24.113 It's time for the checkup? 0:05:25.794 --> 0:05:27.794 Mariam? What gets you going sexually? 0:05:27.873 --> 0:05:30.034 Well, okay, if you ask me, ten years ago been 0:05:30.234 --> 0:05:33.993 very different, right, what is it today today? It is 0:05:34.113 --> 0:05:40.234 when my husband shows up, just appears, when he does 0:05:40.354 --> 0:05:44.713 like things without me asking, right, So, my goodness, Like 0:05:44.794 --> 0:05:47.633 he's packed the kids their lunches, he's taken a bit 0:05:47.674 --> 0:05:51.473 of my mental load, he's done a bit of cleaning. 0:05:51.834 --> 0:05:58.394 Men do not understand. Okay, men do not understand me 0:05:59.914 --> 0:06:01.954 take a little bit of mental load. Is so hot? 0:06:02.073 --> 0:06:03.633 It is so hot, so hot. 0:06:03.714 --> 0:06:06.833 Yeah. But Mariam, do many women speak to you about 0:06:07.234 --> 0:06:08.753 being motivated to have sex anymore? 0:06:09.073 --> 0:06:09.513 Okay? 0:06:09.674 --> 0:06:13.433 So women will often say I just don't feel like 0:06:13.513 --> 0:06:16.873 having sex anymore, and it's kind of like, oh, this 0:06:17.034 --> 0:06:19.473 is the status quo. I've accepted it, and it's not 0:06:19.513 --> 0:06:23.113 something they generally come to me with, so. 0:06:22.433 --> 0:06:23.714 That's always they've already accepted this. 0:06:23.794 --> 0:06:27.233 Yeah, that's where they're at, and it's like the norm 0:06:27.313 --> 0:06:30.714 and it's acceptable, and sometimes they don't offer that information. 0:06:30.914 --> 0:06:33.513 I as a GP like to cover a lot of 0:06:33.594 --> 0:06:37.234 sexual health in my consultations, and a lot of the 0:06:37.274 --> 0:06:40.153 time that I will get is something wrong with me, 0:06:40.594 --> 0:06:43.674 And I want to say, nothing is wrong with you. 0:06:43.674 --> 0:06:46.313 You're not broken, and you're definitely not the only one 0:06:46.354 --> 0:06:48.393 feeling this way. Three of us in the room have 0:06:48.474 --> 0:06:51.914 put our hands up. In fact, Australian research shows that 0:06:51.953 --> 0:06:54.674 one in three women will experience low sexual desire at 0:06:54.714 --> 0:06:57.354 some point in their life, so that's a third of us. 0:06:57.474 --> 0:07:00.513 So if you're nodding along right now, you're in good company. 0:07:01.113 --> 0:07:05.473 And what's interesting, it's rarely about not wanting sex. Sometimes 0:07:05.553 --> 0:07:08.193 it's medicals, sometimes emotion. On a lot of the time 0:07:08.274 --> 0:07:11.393 it's both. So let's start with the medical side of things. 0:07:11.393 --> 0:07:14.114 So a lot of the time there's a hormonal issuette play. 0:07:14.714 --> 0:07:16.994 You may have just had a baby, you might be 0:07:17.034 --> 0:07:19.754 going through perimenopause or menopause, and we know a lot 0:07:19.754 --> 0:07:23.034 of medications to side effect can be loss of libido. 0:07:23.554 --> 0:07:28.354 Then there's low iron, thyroid issues, chronic pain, endometriosis. They 0:07:28.474 --> 0:07:31.194 all can play a role as well, So before you 0:07:31.234 --> 0:07:35.114 start blaming yourself or your relationship, it's worth getting a checkup. 0:07:35.474 --> 0:07:38.674 Then there's the emotional and relationship side. So when you're 0:07:38.754 --> 0:07:42.594 juggling work, especially as a female, you've got your family, 0:07:42.714 --> 0:07:45.874 You've got the mental and emotional load, and that invisible 0:07:45.914 --> 0:07:48.674 to do list that just never ends. Your brain's just 0:07:48.714 --> 0:07:51.514 in this survival mode, and a brain that's trying to 0:07:51.554 --> 0:07:54.713 get through the day isn't exactly thinking, yes, let's get 0:07:54.714 --> 0:07:56.954 it on tonight, I really want some penis. 0:07:58.114 --> 0:08:00.954 And there's something about like, you know, you might even 0:08:01.034 --> 0:08:03.114 be in a great frame of mind and thinking, yeah, 0:08:03.154 --> 0:08:06.314 I am feeling turned on right now, and then your 0:08:06.314 --> 0:08:10.314 partner will be like, where's my shoes and you're like, 0:08:10.474 --> 0:08:13.314 oh yeah, oh now, I'm just dealing with another child, 0:08:13.434 --> 0:08:15.994 and it's like that switches off immediately, right, So it 0:08:15.994 --> 0:08:19.594 doesn't take much to turn off. And we're not always 0:08:19.714 --> 0:08:23.234 visual creatures either. Women. We are very much in our 0:08:23.314 --> 0:08:26.514 heads and we like to be turned on in different ways, 0:08:26.554 --> 0:08:29.674 not just like and I know I've had conversations with 0:08:29.714 --> 0:08:33.114 my friends and one of my friends said, have any 0:08:33.154 --> 0:08:35.954 of your husbands just like pulled it out and said, hey, 0:08:36.234 --> 0:08:40.434 let's go, And we've all kind of gone yeah, and 0:08:40.594 --> 0:08:42.474 they're like, did that work for any of you? And 0:08:42.514 --> 0:08:44.514 one of our friends has got like quite a highly 0:08:44.514 --> 0:08:46.474 beater and she's like, Yep, I'm ready to go anytime 0:08:46.514 --> 0:08:48.514 of the day or night, and that works for her. 0:08:48.634 --> 0:08:50.834 But for the rest of us, we were like, no, 0:08:51.034 --> 0:08:53.914 it does not work for me. But when I asked, 0:08:54.714 --> 0:08:56.634 have any of you talked to your husbands about that? 0:08:56.994 --> 0:08:59.034 And they're like, yeah, we tried to say something like 0:08:59.074 --> 0:09:01.714 that doesn't work, but we none of us said what 0:09:01.834 --> 0:09:05.314 would work? Yeah, so the communication wasn't great with that either. 0:09:05.314 --> 0:09:08.434 I always tell my husband's sex starts for the bedroom, 0:09:08.474 --> 0:09:11.034 and I know it's hard with kids, liked you kind 0:09:11.034 --> 0:09:13.394 of have to book in that intimacy. 0:09:13.034 --> 0:09:15.234 Yep, and then there's always that paranoid that they're gonna 0:09:15.274 --> 0:09:15.634 wake up. 0:09:16.594 --> 0:09:19.514 But it's just like when it becomes schedule, it's just 0:09:20.154 --> 0:09:22.594 loses it. It just loses it. But yeah, for me, 0:09:22.754 --> 0:09:25.754 definitely sex starts before the bedroom. I'm not someone who's 0:09:25.794 --> 0:09:29.833 just going to be aroused because you're flopped out. That 0:09:29.954 --> 0:09:31.594 doesn't talk for me, buddy, Yes. 0:09:31.514 --> 0:09:33.794 It doesn't work. I mean for some it does like 0:09:33.794 --> 0:09:34.474 it just doesn't. 0:09:34.514 --> 0:09:36.994 It's just doing that. It's just like this thing that's 0:09:37.034 --> 0:09:40.394 just like flopping there. It's just doesn't do it. 0:09:40.514 --> 0:09:42.794 My friend said to me, your husband came up and said, hey, baby, 0:09:42.794 --> 0:09:44.394 have you seen this lately? And she said, yeah, I 0:09:44.434 --> 0:09:49.274 see it all the time. What come on, you can 0:09:49.314 --> 0:09:50.154 do better than that. 0:09:50.674 --> 0:09:52.554 Pack it away, buddy, I'm bother it away. 0:09:52.794 --> 0:09:55.434 Put a little bit more effort in. But if someone 0:09:55.514 --> 0:09:59.074 is struggling to have this discussion with a medical professional, 0:09:59.114 --> 0:10:00.754 like if they feel like they've done what they can 0:10:00.754 --> 0:10:02.634 on their own and they want a bit of extra help, 0:10:03.114 --> 0:10:04.834 what do you suggest they do to get the ball rolling. 0:10:05.274 --> 0:10:07.434 I would suggest if you want to speak to your 0:10:07.474 --> 0:10:10.394 GP about it, finding maybe like a woman's health GP 0:10:10.634 --> 0:10:14.514 to start with. A lot of Unfortunately, gps aren't really 0:10:14.674 --> 0:10:16.954 comfortable with having this conversation. I've seen a lot of 0:10:16.994 --> 0:10:19.754 patients say, tried to bring this up in the past 0:10:19.794 --> 0:10:22.234 and I didn't really get much answers or help, and 0:10:22.594 --> 0:10:25.274 that kind of shut them down or made them feel embarrassed. 0:10:25.354 --> 0:10:28.674 So I think having that conversation with someone who has 0:10:28.754 --> 0:10:30.594 experience in the area is going to make you feel 0:10:30.594 --> 0:10:32.554 a lot more comfortable and you're going to get the 0:10:32.594 --> 0:10:36.353 results that you want. So I would start by finding 0:10:36.434 --> 0:10:39.674 a GP with experience and then just letting them know 0:10:40.754 --> 0:10:45.154 I'm not feeling myself, I'm not feeling connected, I don't 0:10:45.194 --> 0:10:50.434 feel like having sex anymore. Is there's something medically happening, 0:10:50.714 --> 0:10:52.434 and then the doctor will just take it from there. 0:10:52.514 --> 0:10:55.314 They'll ask you all the questions and they will guide 0:10:55.314 --> 0:10:58.274 the consultation based on what they think is appropriate. A 0:10:58.314 --> 0:11:02.074 good GP will make you feel comfortable, ask the right questions, 0:11:02.194 --> 0:11:05.194 and give you the support that you need. 0:11:05.434 --> 0:11:09.554 Yeah, I started researching libido. I actually realized that I 0:11:09.594 --> 0:11:11.634 don't know what it is. We talk about it like 0:11:11.674 --> 0:11:14.953 it's a physical thing in our bodies. Yeah that you 0:11:14.994 --> 0:11:16.953 can like point to, yeah, point of like that's where 0:11:16.994 --> 0:11:19.274 my libido lives. But yeah, so really I don't know 0:11:19.314 --> 0:11:21.274 what it is other than it's the urge to have sex. 0:11:21.314 --> 0:11:23.194 But it is a lot more than that. We are 0:11:23.274 --> 0:11:27.554 pretty complicated beings us, ladies, and can I also say 0:11:27.554 --> 0:11:30.514 too that, like, if you don't want to have sex 0:11:30.554 --> 0:11:32.594 anymore and you're very comfortable with that like, there is 0:11:32.594 --> 0:11:34.474 no one telling you that you have to have sex 0:11:34.514 --> 0:11:37.034 to be you know, I don't know, af functioning human, Like, 0:11:37.074 --> 0:11:38.914 you can live without it if that's your choice, and 0:11:38.954 --> 0:11:39.954 you're very happy. 0:11:39.634 --> 0:11:41.994 With that too, And a lot of people are and 0:11:42.714 --> 0:11:43.394 choose to them. 0:11:43.554 --> 0:11:46.234 Yeah, exactly, like and that's totally fine. But like, can 0:11:46.274 --> 0:11:50.194 I say for my LGBTQI mates, And this is not 0:11:50.234 --> 0:11:52.714 saying that they are all like this, because we're all different, 0:11:53.034 --> 0:11:56.554 but they seem to be a lot better at engaging 0:11:56.554 --> 0:11:59.714 in sex but also just talking about it with each other, 0:11:59.914 --> 0:12:02.874 like grown ass humans who have once and needs and 0:12:02.874 --> 0:12:05.154 they're happy to like discuss that and put it out there. 0:12:05.194 --> 0:12:07.314 I don't know whether that's it is a thing I 0:12:07.354 --> 0:12:10.434 don't definitely see. Like I find with a lot of 0:12:10.474 --> 0:12:16.114 my heterosexual female friends that sex often feels transactional. It's like, oh, 0:12:16.114 --> 0:12:18.474 it's just another to do this job to do it's 0:12:18.514 --> 0:12:21.394 like a job something get over with, all right done? 0:12:21.554 --> 0:12:29.274 You know, Yeah, that's amazing, jeez, Clay or winning. What 0:12:29.314 --> 0:12:33.914 we actually crave is that engagement, that emotional foreplay, that 0:12:34.034 --> 0:12:38.554 communication and touch that isn't really gold driven or like 0:12:38.594 --> 0:12:41.194 a tick off the list. And you're right, because a 0:12:41.194 --> 0:12:43.514 lot of the lgbtqui I folk. They seem to have 0:12:43.554 --> 0:12:47.434 more open conversations about sex, not because they're magically better 0:12:47.474 --> 0:12:51.154 at it, they probably are. 0:12:48.754 --> 0:12:48.834 But. 0:12:50.634 --> 0:12:55.914 Because their relationships often require more conscious communication from the start, 0:12:56.114 --> 0:12:59.034 and they've had to define what intimacy means to them 0:12:59.474 --> 0:13:02.034 rather than just following a script. And that's something I 0:13:02.074 --> 0:13:06.234 guess everyone can learn from, like having those open, honest 0:13:06.274 --> 0:13:08.634 conversations saying this is what it looks like for me. 0:13:09.434 --> 0:13:12.154 I guess too when we're talking about libido in women. 0:13:12.394 --> 0:13:14.994 When we talk about men, for example, and we know 0:13:15.074 --> 0:13:19.914 that there are medical interventions for them, like rectile dysfunction pills, 0:13:20.554 --> 0:13:23.234 but there's this idea that if a man loses his 0:13:23.314 --> 0:13:26.674 ability to get or maintain an erection, that there is 0:13:26.714 --> 0:13:29.514 a problem, that there is a medical issue, and so 0:13:29.914 --> 0:13:33.314 him not being able to get an erection is an issue. 0:13:33.314 --> 0:13:36.594 But for women, we don't have that equivalent. So, like, 0:13:36.674 --> 0:13:40.234 I wonder, what are the medical benefits for us to 0:13:40.394 --> 0:13:43.034 have our libidos fully functioning? Like I know that there 0:13:43.074 --> 0:13:46.714 was some research recently that suggested that masturbation was good 0:13:46.714 --> 0:13:50.074 for you when you're in menopause, that it had benefits, 0:13:50.634 --> 0:13:53.714 But I'm not sure if we have an equivalent of 0:13:53.794 --> 0:13:57.474 a rectal dysfunction relating to a man being physically healthy 0:13:57.554 --> 0:13:59.514 as opposed to us not having a libido and not 0:13:59.634 --> 0:14:00.714 being physically healthy. 0:14:00.754 --> 0:14:06.274 We have that hyperactive sexual desire disorder. So there is 0:14:06.634 --> 0:14:09.953 a term HSDD, and there is treatment for that for 0:14:09.954 --> 0:14:12.714 females who have low libido if they meet the criteria. 0:14:13.274 --> 0:14:16.914 But I don't know whether or not as females there 0:14:17.034 --> 0:14:21.754 is that added benefit medically from orgasms. I'm sure in 0:14:21.754 --> 0:14:25.554 the moment there is maybe mental health. Maybe mental health. Yeah, 0:14:25.834 --> 0:14:28.474 we'll have to look into that. It's interesting, definitely worth 0:14:28.474 --> 0:14:28.834 a chat. 0:14:28.994 --> 0:14:32.394 Yeah. Next, doctor Eva Jackson's going to tell us more 0:14:32.434 --> 0:14:35.154 about where a libido actually lives, how to wake it 0:14:35.234 --> 0:14:37.314 up if it's been snooze in a while, and what 0:14:37.474 --> 0:14:41.034 things we know about both medical and non medical approaches 0:14:41.074 --> 0:14:49.394 to help. Okay, today's expert is doctor Eva Jackson. She 0:14:49.554 --> 0:14:52.194 is a sexual health physician, and we started our chat 0:14:52.194 --> 0:14:58.994 by asking her what even is a libido? Now, Eva, 0:14:59.074 --> 0:15:01.234 I think we want to start off by at first 0:15:01.554 --> 0:15:04.234 kind of establishing what a libido even is, because, like, 0:15:04.794 --> 0:15:06.634 if there's something going on with our bodies, often we 0:15:06.674 --> 0:15:09.194 can point to the spot and go right, that is 0:15:09.234 --> 0:15:11.074 where the problem is. But when we talk about issues 0:15:11.074 --> 0:15:14.274 with a libido, we might think it might be in 0:15:14.354 --> 0:15:17.034 our vagina, but a lot of it's in our head. 0:15:17.114 --> 0:15:19.194 And so I wanted to just get a definition from 0:15:19.234 --> 0:15:23.034 you before we go any further. What is a libido? 0:15:23.154 --> 0:15:26.074 Does it exist as a physical structure, like what is it? 0:15:26.314 --> 0:15:29.394 I guess in medicine, libido is something that we can 0:15:29.474 --> 0:15:33.514 divide into two parts. So we've got desire, so the 0:15:33.594 --> 0:15:36.954 one thing to have sex, and then there's the arousal part, 0:15:37.034 --> 0:15:39.154 and that's the physical part where you know, you get 0:15:39.194 --> 0:15:42.954 your palpitations, you get the tingling in your vagina, you 0:15:42.994 --> 0:15:46.594 get the wetness, and they can come together, but they 0:15:46.594 --> 0:15:51.354 can be separate issues as well too, And libido can 0:15:51.394 --> 0:15:55.674 be a little bit difficult to, you know, to understand, 0:15:55.714 --> 0:15:57.234 and often when I've got someone in front of me, 0:15:57.434 --> 0:16:01.154 I've got to actually ask them, well, why are you missing? 0:16:01.594 --> 0:16:04.394 I think it's different for everybody when you're talking about libido, 0:16:04.434 --> 0:16:06.834 and it's really important to really pin down what the 0:16:06.874 --> 0:16:09.194 problem is because it can mean a lot of things 0:16:09.194 --> 0:16:11.834 to a lot of people, and in the end, the 0:16:11.914 --> 0:16:16.074 whole full definition, you know, doesn't really apply to that 0:16:16.154 --> 0:16:17.154 individual person. 0:16:17.554 --> 0:16:20.114 Well, can we even talk about using the word libido, 0:16:20.234 --> 0:16:23.234 because that word was coined quite a long time ago 0:16:23.314 --> 0:16:26.874 by Sigmund Freud, and many people now say that perhaps 0:16:27.074 --> 0:16:30.874 it's a little oversimplified, It ignores a lot of societal things, 0:16:30.994 --> 0:16:34.594 cultural factors, it lacks a fair bit of scientific evidence 0:16:34.674 --> 0:16:38.074 as well, and that it might sort of overemphasize sex 0:16:38.274 --> 0:16:41.474 itself in all of this rather than the desire part 0:16:41.514 --> 0:16:43.914 of it. Would you say that maybe it's time to 0:16:43.914 --> 0:16:45.514 rethink even using the word libido. 0:16:45.874 --> 0:16:49.754 Yeah, before you mentioned it to me earlier, I thought, well, 0:16:49.834 --> 0:16:53.074 libido is a word that I see, but we tend 0:16:53.114 --> 0:16:56.474 not to use a lot of The original Freudian libido 0:16:56.754 --> 0:17:00.514 was based on sex, was that the motivation to have sex. 0:17:00.554 --> 0:17:04.114 But I think Freud sort of expanded his definition somewhat 0:17:04.154 --> 0:17:08.833 for just the motivation for life and general happiness. I 0:17:08.834 --> 0:17:11.154 think sometimes men, when they come in and they say 0:17:11.154 --> 0:17:13.474 they've got lola bida, they tend to have a lot 0:17:13.514 --> 0:17:17.194 more problems with motivation for other things as well, not 0:17:17.354 --> 0:17:21.354 just libido. But when women come in and specifically say 0:17:21.474 --> 0:17:24.794 I've lost my libido, got lol labido, they really are 0:17:25.354 --> 0:17:30.474 talking about just lacking the motivation to want to have sex. 0:17:31.114 --> 0:17:35.554 So thebido I don't like pure definitions. It doesn't work 0:17:35.594 --> 0:17:40.033 for me, especially now being such a multicultural community. You know, 0:17:40.114 --> 0:17:42.754 you can sit down with somebody and they use the 0:17:42.754 --> 0:17:47.513 word because they hear it, but they haven't quite understood it, 0:17:47.594 --> 0:17:51.274 and it's really what that means to you. Like I said, 0:17:51.314 --> 0:17:54.274 I prefer to use the word desire because that has 0:17:54.314 --> 0:17:58.114 connotations of want as opposed to a whole lot of 0:17:58.154 --> 0:18:02.114 other things libido might encompass. People might think it's sex, 0:18:02.514 --> 0:18:05.514 people might just think it's dysfunction and in some other way. 0:18:06.074 --> 0:18:09.354 What can we talk about finding issues that we would 0:18:10.154 --> 0:18:12.074 then take to our doctor and say that I've lost 0:18:12.074 --> 0:18:14.154 my labida or I've got an issue with my libido. 0:18:15.114 --> 0:18:17.834 When someone comes in and says those things, are there 0:18:18.154 --> 0:18:21.114 tests that come to mind that can help people understand 0:18:21.114 --> 0:18:24.033 where they are physiologically or is this more of a 0:18:24.794 --> 0:18:27.554 something for our therapist to talk through, Like what sort 0:18:27.594 --> 0:18:30.474 of tests or medical intervention do we look at when 0:18:30.514 --> 0:18:32.313 someone comes in and says, I've got a problem with 0:18:32.354 --> 0:18:32.914 my libido? 0:18:33.114 --> 0:18:37.594 So I guess we're really talking here about cis women. 0:18:38.194 --> 0:18:40.754 A lot of women when they come in saying you know, 0:18:40.754 --> 0:18:42.394 they've got a lot of labida, is so they actually 0:18:42.434 --> 0:18:45.674 don't feel like sex with their partner. And then it's 0:18:45.754 --> 0:18:50.234 understanding what's going on. There's certainly you want to ask 0:18:50.274 --> 0:18:54.513 a lot about what's happening sexually, what's happening about their relationship, work, 0:18:54.754 --> 0:18:56.994 you know, things that are going on around them, and 0:18:57.034 --> 0:19:00.234 then of course those physical issues as well. Is there 0:19:00.314 --> 0:19:03.914 genital pain, deep pain? Is there, you know, a lack 0:19:03.994 --> 0:19:08.553 of lubrication, what's actually going on? Depending on what the 0:19:08.634 --> 0:19:11.754 actual issue is, there may be tests. A lot of 0:19:11.794 --> 0:19:16.313 women go directly to hormones, especially if they're older. So 0:19:16.514 --> 0:19:19.994 am I sort of premenopausal? Am my menopausal? Is that 0:19:20.074 --> 0:19:24.434 going to affect me? And that might be worth some investigations, 0:19:24.514 --> 0:19:27.834 And of course if there's pain and other physical issues 0:19:28.194 --> 0:19:31.394 there may also be some investigations for that as well too. 0:19:31.874 --> 0:19:34.313 And of course if there are some sort of chronic 0:19:34.394 --> 0:19:39.154 diseases that may affect particularly arousal, so arousal being usually 0:19:39.194 --> 0:19:43.394 whilst women will define their arousal as really not lubricating 0:19:43.554 --> 0:19:46.513 very much, it's a bit more difficult to have sex. 0:19:47.474 --> 0:19:50.273 But often there are a lot of things going on 0:19:51.074 --> 0:19:54.434 around that don't have anything to do with a physical 0:19:54.474 --> 0:19:58.074 problem and then maybe it's more sort of talking it through. 0:19:58.554 --> 0:20:01.553 What would you say the most common reasons are for 0:20:01.634 --> 0:20:06.553 women to either lose interest in that desire or to 0:20:06.594 --> 0:20:08.994 have issue with desiring sex. 0:20:09.514 --> 0:20:12.033 I think the most common reason is being in a 0:20:12.034 --> 0:20:15.954 long term relationship. So the longer you're with a partner, 0:20:16.754 --> 0:20:21.914 the less spontaneous desire that you know, women tend to have. 0:20:22.594 --> 0:20:25.634 And I think it's that sort of Hollywood kind of 0:20:25.674 --> 0:20:29.194 sex sort of coming through in that when we first 0:20:29.234 --> 0:20:31.514 meet someone, that's all very exciting and there's a lot 0:20:31.554 --> 0:20:35.754 of chemicals going around us that sort of allows spontaneous 0:20:35.794 --> 0:20:38.833 desire just oh my god, I want it now, you know, 0:20:39.474 --> 0:20:41.994 and let's do it. It all works. So the thing is 0:20:41.994 --> 0:20:45.194 the longer you're with somebody that doesn't happen as much. 0:20:45.714 --> 0:20:48.194 It holds true for men. Men a bit simpler in 0:20:48.194 --> 0:20:50.154 that respect, I guess is that there have an on 0:20:50.234 --> 0:20:54.194 off switch and that arousal is spontaneous. But for women 0:20:54.234 --> 0:20:57.034 there's a lot of can be a lot of other 0:20:57.074 --> 0:20:59.794 things that have to be right, you know, before they 0:20:59.874 --> 0:21:03.994 have spontaneous desire or not even spontaneous sort of a 0:21:04.074 --> 0:21:07.914 desire that's brought on that actually tells you, yeah, sex 0:21:07.954 --> 0:21:10.474 would be really nice right now. And I think a 0:21:10.514 --> 0:21:13.274 lot of people still believe that if they love someone, 0:21:13.354 --> 0:21:16.394 if they in the presence of someone they enjoy, that 0:21:16.874 --> 0:21:20.074 they should just have that arousal in them and that 0:21:20.154 --> 0:21:23.114 desire for them, which doesn't necessarily hold true. 0:21:23.394 --> 0:21:26.074