WEBVTT - Show Me The Money

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<v Speaker 1>You're listening to a MoMA Mia podcast.

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<v Speaker 2>Mamma Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and waters.

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<v Speaker 2>This podcast is recorded on.

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<v Speaker 1>Money.

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<v Speaker 2>We work hard for it. It can bring so much joy,

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<v Speaker 2>especially when shared with loved ones to create long lasting memories,

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<v Speaker 2>as was the case for.

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<v Speaker 1>Biancha because it was his fortieth birthday. I paid for everything,

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<v Speaker 1>including for his daughter. I spent a lot of money,

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<v Speaker 1>that's for sure, because we wanted to have special dinners

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<v Speaker 1>and lovely nights out and really wanted to treat his

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<v Speaker 1>daughter was really special. It was just a wonderful time together.

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<v Speaker 2>But there's a dark side to money, or more so

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<v Speaker 2>how it can turn acts of kindness into entrapment and

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<v Speaker 2>loved ones into vultures.

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<v Speaker 1>I kept paying for everything and dwindled my saving down

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<v Speaker 1>to practically nothing. I thought, well, if I don't pay

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<v Speaker 1>for things, he's not going to pay for things for

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<v Speaker 1>the kids. And I didn't want them to be stuck

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<v Speaker 1>in the middle and get hurt, so I just kept

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<v Speaker 1>paying for everything.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an eggs.

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<v Speaker 2>Come with me as we dive into a collection of

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<v Speaker 2>unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the

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<v Speaker 2>hearts of the very people who lived them. Meet b

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<v Speaker 2>Anchor charismatic, smart, witty, successful, and at a stage of

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<v Speaker 2>her life where she was ready to settle down.

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<v Speaker 1>Throughout most of my twenties and thirties, they dated and

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<v Speaker 1>had relationships, but really wasn't ready to settle down. I

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<v Speaker 1>was very focused on my career. I traveled extensively, but

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<v Speaker 1>I had a pact with myself to do New Year's

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<v Speaker 1>in a different country every single year, which I did

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<v Speaker 1>and it was amazing. I had a wonderful life. And

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<v Speaker 1>then when I turned forty, I sort of started thinking,

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<v Speaker 1>maybe it's time to settle down. I'm at a place

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<v Speaker 1>where I want to be in my career, in my life, financially,

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<v Speaker 1>everything was going really well. So I thought about it

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<v Speaker 1>for a while, and then I turned forty one. I thought, Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>it's time. So I started playing around with online dating,

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<v Speaker 1>and not long after I turned forty one, I met

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<v Speaker 1>Alex on Plenty of Fish. That was in January twenty seventeen.

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<v Speaker 1>He struck a chord with me. So I was forty one.

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<v Speaker 1>He was thirty nine. He'd been a bit over a

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<v Speaker 1>year after a separation of his marriage. He wasn't yet divorced,

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<v Speaker 1>but separated for quite some time. He'd spent that year,

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<v Speaker 1>probably not dating, but certainly having a good time. But

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<v Speaker 1>his profile photo itself wasn't it. He certainly wasn't the

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<v Speaker 1>usual type I would go for throughout my thirties when

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<v Speaker 1>I had days, I'd very much gone for tradees and

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<v Speaker 1>party boys. No one that was serious. And his profile

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<v Speaker 1>was actually quite serious, and he talked about his work

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<v Speaker 1>and how invested he was. But most importantly his profile

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<v Speaker 1>spoke about, you know, how much he loved his children.

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<v Speaker 1>So he had four children, one from essentially a one

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<v Speaker 1>night stand in his early twenties. She was sixteen, I

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<v Speaker 1>think at the time, but then he had three children

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<v Speaker 1>with his ex wife, and he spoke in his profile

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<v Speaker 1>that his children and his family and friends met the

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<v Speaker 1>world to him, and he was ready to meet someone

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<v Speaker 1>and for them to be a part of that extended family.

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<v Speaker 1>And for me, that was really attractive.

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<v Speaker 2>Bianca didn't want children of her own, but she loved them,

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<v Speaker 2>so the idea of a ready made family sounded pretty good.

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<v Speaker 1>I guess I just didn't want them full time, So

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<v Speaker 1>him having a family sort of part time really was

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<v Speaker 1>very attractive. For me and him talking about how invested

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<v Speaker 1>he was in them made him appear very vulnerable and

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<v Speaker 1>very kind, and whilst physically he didn't appeal to me necessarily,

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<v Speaker 1>he seemed to have a very kind nature. Yeah, so

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<v Speaker 1>he'd grown up down the coast and I had only recently,

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<v Speaker 1>in fact, the month that we met, I'd bought a

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<v Speaker 1>holiday house down the coast, just one suburb away from

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<v Speaker 1>where he lived. So we had a lot to talk

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<v Speaker 1>about in terms of bonding on the region. And then

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<v Speaker 1>you know, we both lived in the eastern part of Melbourne,

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<v Speaker 1>so we had a lot of similarities. There was a

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<v Speaker 1>lot that we connected over. We chatted for three or

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<v Speaker 1>four weeks. We found it really difficult to make a

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<v Speaker 1>date to actually meet in person. We both had jobs

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<v Speaker 1>that required a fair bit of interstate travel and so

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<v Speaker 1>just aligning our calendars was a bit of a challenge,

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<v Speaker 1>but we did a line and our first date was

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<v Speaker 1>actually in Queensland. We were both in Queensland for work

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<v Speaker 1>at the same time, so it was the sort of

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<v Speaker 1>a last minute date where we hadn't realized we were

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<v Speaker 1>going to be in Queensland at the same time, and

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<v Speaker 1>I remember I had my work clothes which were quite

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<v Speaker 1>formal or I had a skirt and a white singlet

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<v Speaker 1>and a pair of thongs. So I felt a bit

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<v Speaker 1>uncomfortable and I warned him, like, I'm not going to

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<v Speaker 1>look flash. I've really only got beach clothes and thongs.

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<v Speaker 1>But happy to meet for a drink. So we met

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<v Speaker 1>for a drink, spoke a lot about his family, We

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<v Speaker 1>spoke about our jobs. I was really excited about the

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<v Speaker 1>beach house that I'd bought, so I was sharing plans

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<v Speaker 1>about that, and it was lovely and one drink turned

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<v Speaker 1>into two, which turned into three. Then I put a

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<v Speaker 1>stop to that. I didn't want to get out of

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<v Speaker 1>control on the first date. But as he was going

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<v Speaker 1>to the bar to order our third drinks, a couple

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<v Speaker 1>from another table in the bar came and tapped me

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<v Speaker 1>on the shoulder and they were giggling, and I said, Hi,

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<v Speaker 1>who are you And they said, hi, u Bianka, we

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<v Speaker 1>saw you having a drink with Alex and I said, yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>I am. They said, oh, we're actually friends of his

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<v Speaker 1>from work and he was really excited about this date.

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<v Speaker 1>And we've been spying on you from the table over there.

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<v Speaker 1>It looks like it's going really well, we can see

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<v Speaker 1>him smiling, would you like to join us for dinner?

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<v Speaker 1>So his friends actually invited me for dinner and not him,

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<v Speaker 1>but I said, oh, okay, well if he wants me

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<v Speaker 1>to sure. He came back to the table and yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>how to laugh, And it all came out that they'd

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<v Speaker 1>been sort of spying on us, and we're really happy.

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<v Speaker 1>So we progressed to dinner and had a lovely night,

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<v Speaker 1>the four of us. They were all there for work,

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<v Speaker 1>so he's work paid as well, which was a bonus.

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<v Speaker 1>So we had a lovely meal. I had a couple

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<v Speaker 1>of chats with the female friend that was there, and

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<v Speaker 1>she was lovely and I thought, gosh, he's just got

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<v Speaker 1>lovely friends, and I've spoken so much much about his family.

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<v Speaker 1>He was there for work. It sounded like he had

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<v Speaker 1>a great job. Sort of ticked a lot of boxes

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<v Speaker 1>really that I was looking for. After dinner, said goodbye

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<v Speaker 1>to the friends, He walked me back to my hotel.

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<v Speaker 1>We kissed and then said goodbye, and then just continued

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<v Speaker 1>chatting on the phone, texting.

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<v Speaker 2>It was a great date, but Bianca wasn't home and

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<v Speaker 2>host immediately she had a couple more dates lined up

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<v Speaker 2>with other guys she'd met online, so it was silly

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<v Speaker 2>not to go on them.

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<v Speaker 1>Nice guys. But I guess those dates to me really

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<v Speaker 1>went oh okay. Actually I really liked Alex in comparison.

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<v Speaker 1>Now that I've met a couple of other people, I

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<v Speaker 1>think I want to see him again. So when we

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<v Speaker 1>were both back in Melbourne, he asked to meet again

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<v Speaker 1>and I said I can. However, I'm going to be

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<v Speaker 1>spending the weekend at my new beach house. I'm painting,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm ripping up floors. It's a bit of a dump.

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<v Speaker 1>I really need to put a bit of work in

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<v Speaker 1>before I can stay there. And he said, that's okay.

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<v Speaker 1>I will drive down the coast and you know, we

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<v Speaker 1>can just have casual fish and chips on the beach,

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<v Speaker 1>just chill, get to know each other better. And I thought, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>how lovely. Like really went out of his way to

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<v Speaker 1>accommodate the fact that I was really busy and I had,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, all these things going on. So he came

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<v Speaker 1>down that weekend on the Saturday afternoon and surprised me

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<v Speaker 1>by turning up in painting clothes with a paint roller

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<v Speaker 1>and a paint brush and essentially said, look, I'm here

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<v Speaker 1>to help. We painted and chatted for a couple of hours,

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<v Speaker 1>went and had fish and chips on the beach. He

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<v Speaker 1>met my dogs, which they're like my children. Yeah, I said,

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<v Speaker 1>I never wanted children, but I love animals. So he

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<v Speaker 1>was lovely with my dogs, and that sort of tick

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<v Speaker 1>to box as well, just the turning up with painting

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<v Speaker 1>clothes and a paint brush. He worked out what my

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<v Speaker 1>buttons were, and straight away I was pretty hooked. From

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<v Speaker 1>that point forward, we both took ourselves offline pretty much

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<v Speaker 1>immediately and were exclusive from that point. We were seeing

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<v Speaker 1>each other probably three or four nights a week. We'd

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<v Speaker 1>go out for dinners, drinks, the usual dates that you

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<v Speaker 1>go on. He would stay at my house a couple

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<v Speaker 1>of nights a week. I would stay at his. I mean,

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<v Speaker 1>he was absolutely beautiful to me, and I just felt special.

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<v Speaker 1>I felt loved. I think within three or four weeks

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<v Speaker 1>of getting serious, he said that he was falling in

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<v Speaker 1>love with me. He'd never felt like this, even when

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<v Speaker 1>he'd met his ex wife. He had dated in between,

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<v Speaker 1>but he just felt like the minute he met me,

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<v Speaker 1>I was the one. Almost every time I saw him,

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<v Speaker 1>there'd be flowers. He had long stem red roses delivered

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<v Speaker 1>to my work. He cooked a lot for me, which

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<v Speaker 1>was lovely because I lived on my own and I

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<v Speaker 1>really cooked, so having someone cook for me was a

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<v Speaker 1>beautiful treat and it would always be something that I loved.

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<v Speaker 1>So he just made a monumental effort to just make

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<v Speaker 1>me feel really special.

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<v Speaker 2>As well as all of this, she felt empathy for him.

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<v Speaker 2>The breakdown of his marriage hadn't been good and it

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<v Speaker 2>had left him.

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<v Speaker 1>In not such a great situation for someone that had

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<v Speaker 1>a very good job. I obviously never said anything, but

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<v Speaker 1>his tiny, tiny, two bedroom flat was a little bit

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<v Speaker 1>of a surprise. It was a very old, very rundown flat.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, the carpets were stained, it was dirty. All

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<v Speaker 1>of the furniture was sort of secondhand that he'd gotten

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<v Speaker 1>from friends for free as hand me down. His dining

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<v Speaker 1>table was an outdoor table. His eldest daughter, the sixteen

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<v Speaker 1>year old, didn't visit. He didn't really have a relationship

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<v Speaker 1>with her at that point, but the three youngest children,

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<v Speaker 1>which at the time I think were three, four, and six,

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<v Speaker 1>did come to stay every second weekend and a few

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<v Speaker 1>nights in between, and the three of them were in

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<v Speaker 1>secondhand not that there's anything wrong with secondhand, but they

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<v Speaker 1>were in very cramped bunk beds, sharing one bedroom in

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<v Speaker 1>a really small flat with a tiny little bathroom and

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<v Speaker 1>a tiny kitchen. I didn't judge that. He explained that

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<v Speaker 1>his ex wife had cheated on him and kicked him out,

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<v Speaker 1>and that she had stolen all of the money that

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<v Speaker 1>they had in their bank account as a home deposit,

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<v Speaker 1>and that kicked him out with nothing. And he'd explained

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<v Speaker 1>that I've got nothing, she kept everything. I've had to

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<v Speaker 1>stay on a friend's couch for six months to save

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<v Speaker 1>up enough to rent this flat. But I only plan

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<v Speaker 1>on being here for a year while I get back

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<v Speaker 1>on my feet, and then I'll buy or rent something nicer,

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<v Speaker 1>upgrade my furniture. It's only temporary. And that all made sense.

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<v Speaker 1>He was paying a lot of child support, obviously for

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<v Speaker 1>three children, but also the eldest wasn't yet eighteen, so

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<v Speaker 1>he was actually paying child support for four children. So

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<v Speaker 1>I really understood that that would have been really difficult,

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<v Speaker 1>and I guess any judgment I had made immediately went

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<v Speaker 1>out the window. I thought, this is awful that his

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<v Speaker 1>ex wife and the mother of his children has left

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<v Speaker 1>him in this position, and I felt such empathy for him.

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<v Speaker 1>Probably only two months into our relationship, he hadn't met

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<v Speaker 1>my friends and family, or maybe a couple of friends

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<v Speaker 1>at this point, but certainly hadn't met my family. I'd

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<v Speaker 1>mentioned that I was dating someone and I quite liked him,

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<v Speaker 1>so they were happy for me and keen to meet him,

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<v Speaker 1>but I didn't want to rush things. But about two

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<v Speaker 1>months in my grandmother passed away and I was very

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<v Speaker 1>very close with my grandmother and had been nominated by

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<v Speaker 1>the family as the one to do a eulogy, which

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<v Speaker 1>I was very nervous about, and I guess needed support.

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<v Speaker 1>He offered to come to the funeral, and I said, look,

0:13:15.970 --> 0:13:19.050
<v Speaker 1>it's too much. You haven't met my family. I'll be crying.

0:13:19.410 --> 0:13:22.530
<v Speaker 1>You know, it's going to be a really uncomfortable situation.

0:13:23.010 --> 0:13:26.050
<v Speaker 1>Much as I appreciate the offerer support, you don't need

0:13:26.090 --> 0:13:28.090
<v Speaker 1>to come, I also don't want you to see me

0:13:28.770 --> 0:13:32.690
<v Speaker 1>upsair and meet my family when we're upset. But the

0:13:32.770 --> 0:13:36.210
<v Speaker 1>day came and I was up the front of the

0:13:36.290 --> 0:13:39.570
<v Speaker 1>church giving my eulogy, and I saw him sneak in

0:13:39.650 --> 0:13:42.370
<v Speaker 1>the back door and sit in the back row and

0:13:42.530 --> 0:13:46.810
<v Speaker 1>just smile at me with encouragement, which I just thought

0:13:46.850 --> 0:13:49.810
<v Speaker 1>was so beautiful. Like I'd said no, but I guess,

0:13:49.850 --> 0:13:52.690
<v Speaker 1>deep down, you know, I probably did want him there,

0:13:53.250 --> 0:13:56.210
<v Speaker 1>and it was so beautiful that he showed up. He

0:13:56.330 --> 0:14:00.330
<v Speaker 1>met my family very briefly, obviously not time for chit chat,

0:14:00.770 --> 0:14:06.330
<v Speaker 1>paid his respects, and then left. It was absolutely lovely.

0:14:07.690 --> 0:14:11.450
<v Speaker 1>So from there we just got closer and closer. He

0:14:11.810 --> 0:14:14.090
<v Speaker 1>wanted me to meet the rest of his family, and

0:14:14.130 --> 0:14:17.490
<v Speaker 1>I had met his three younger children, and they were

0:14:18.210 --> 0:14:23.810
<v Speaker 1>just beautiful, absolutely beautiful. They were happy, they loved him.

0:14:24.250 --> 0:14:27.570
<v Speaker 1>He really did appear as a wonderful father. We had

0:14:27.570 --> 0:14:30.730
<v Speaker 1>them every second weekend and yeah, the occasional night in between,

0:14:30.810 --> 0:14:33.010
<v Speaker 1>and you know, we just did normal family activities. We

0:14:33.050 --> 0:14:35.450
<v Speaker 1>sort of of course I wasn't their mum, but you know,

0:14:35.490 --> 0:14:38.610
<v Speaker 1>it really felt like a happy little family and we'd

0:14:38.610 --> 0:14:42.490
<v Speaker 1>do activities and bike rides and go to the park

0:14:42.530 --> 0:14:44.730
<v Speaker 1>and you know, all those fun things that families do.

0:14:45.290 --> 0:14:48.290
<v Speaker 1>And so for me, just having this part time family

0:14:48.410 --> 0:14:52.210
<v Speaker 1>was perfect and exactly what I had been looking for.

0:14:54.130 --> 0:14:56.650
<v Speaker 1>So yeah, about three months in one of his sisters

0:14:57.170 --> 0:15:02.090
<v Speaker 1>had a birthday and she lived in Regional Victoria, so

0:15:02.490 --> 0:15:06.730
<v Speaker 1>we went away for the weekend we went out for dinner,

0:15:07.170 --> 0:15:10.010
<v Speaker 1>had tepinyaki, you know, through the eggs, all that fun stuff.

0:15:10.050 --> 0:15:12.330
<v Speaker 1>So it was a great way to meet. Then we

0:15:12.410 --> 0:15:18.210
<v Speaker 1>went out to a bar in that town and things turned.

0:15:18.610 --> 0:15:21.890
<v Speaker 1>And all that happened is I was at the bar

0:15:22.850 --> 0:15:26.210
<v Speaker 1>just ordering a couple of drinks, and a young guy

0:15:26.370 --> 0:15:29.690
<v Speaker 1>probably in his twenties, like half my age, started chatting

0:15:29.690 --> 0:15:31.570
<v Speaker 1>to me at the bar, just while waiting for drinks.

0:15:32.090 --> 0:15:35.490
<v Speaker 1>Literally that was it. Got our beers or whatever, and okay, great,

0:15:35.770 --> 0:15:40.090
<v Speaker 1>have a good night, and he then just started ignoring me.

0:15:40.970 --> 0:15:43.810
<v Speaker 1>Literally for the rest of the night. I would try

0:15:43.850 --> 0:15:45.970
<v Speaker 1>and dance with him on the dance floor and he'd

0:15:45.970 --> 0:15:49.690
<v Speaker 1>turn his back and walk off. He just ignored me

0:15:49.770 --> 0:15:52.450
<v Speaker 1>for the rest of the night. I was left, you know,

0:15:52.490 --> 0:15:55.410
<v Speaker 1>in this bar in a regional town, and the only

0:15:55.450 --> 0:15:59.130
<v Speaker 1>people I knew where his family I'd met two hours before,

0:16:00.010 --> 0:16:04.730
<v Speaker 1>and they said, oh, so sorry, we can see what's happened.

0:16:04.730 --> 0:16:06.770
<v Speaker 1>It's not your fault. And I said, well, what's happened.

0:16:06.850 --> 0:16:09.450
<v Speaker 1>I don't know why he's ignoring me. This is really awkward.

0:16:10.130 --> 0:16:13.930
<v Speaker 1>We think he saw you talking to that guy at

0:16:13.970 --> 0:16:16.810
<v Speaker 1>the bar. I said, yeah, we were ordering drinks, just

0:16:16.890 --> 0:16:19.130
<v Speaker 1>standing next to each other, and they said, Oh, he

0:16:19.170 --> 0:16:23.210
<v Speaker 1>gets really jealous and can get a bit funny because

0:16:23.290 --> 0:16:26.170
<v Speaker 1>his ex wife cheated on him. So you just kind

0:16:26.170 --> 0:16:29.090
<v Speaker 1>of need to know that about him, that you basically

0:16:29.130 --> 0:16:31.570
<v Speaker 1>can't talk to another guy in front of him because

0:16:31.730 --> 0:16:34.650
<v Speaker 1>he's afraid that you're going to cheat on him. And

0:16:34.730 --> 0:16:37.890
<v Speaker 1>much as it was horrible and I felt very uncomfortable

0:16:37.930 --> 0:16:40.810
<v Speaker 1>and he pretty much ruined the weekend again, I guess

0:16:40.810 --> 0:16:43.650
<v Speaker 1>I understood. I thought, well, wow, if an ex had

0:16:43.730 --> 0:16:46.650
<v Speaker 1>cheated on me and left me, and I get that,

0:16:46.690 --> 0:16:50.330
<v Speaker 1>there's this jealousy streak. By the end of the night,

0:16:50.370 --> 0:16:53.250
<v Speaker 1>I guess he had a couple more drinks and came

0:16:53.330 --> 0:16:57.410
<v Speaker 1>around and he was sincerely apologetic. He said the same

0:16:57.410 --> 0:17:00.690
<v Speaker 1>as his family, I'm so sorry my ex cheated on me.

0:17:00.970 --> 0:17:03.250
<v Speaker 1>I have a fear that that's going to happen again.

0:17:03.890 --> 0:17:06.490
<v Speaker 1>Just seeing you talking to someone else just caught me

0:17:06.570 --> 0:17:08.890
<v Speaker 1>off guard and I shouldn't have reacted like that or

0:17:08.890 --> 0:17:11.650
<v Speaker 1>will never happen again. I'm so sorry, And we moved

0:17:11.810 --> 0:17:12.850
<v Speaker 1>on and got over it.

0:17:13.770 --> 0:17:18.090
<v Speaker 2>So Bianca and Alex's life together continued on and kept progressing.

0:17:18.530 --> 0:17:21.090
<v Speaker 2>The more time they spent together, the better it got,

0:17:21.490 --> 0:17:24.250
<v Speaker 2>and the more Bianca found herself fooling for him.

0:17:24.690 --> 0:17:27.810
<v Speaker 1>He'd introduced me to a female friend, the one he'd

0:17:27.810 --> 0:17:30.210
<v Speaker 1>been staying on the couch with for six months, and

0:17:31.250 --> 0:17:34.450
<v Speaker 1>when I met her, she pulled me aside and said,

0:17:34.490 --> 0:17:37.010
<v Speaker 1>Alex has been telling me so much about you. He

0:17:37.290 --> 0:17:42.210
<v Speaker 1>absolutely adores you. He just thinks you're kind, you're wonderful.

0:17:42.850 --> 0:17:46.170
<v Speaker 1>He loves that you work so hard and you're so ambitious,

0:17:46.210 --> 0:17:49.170
<v Speaker 1>and you've done so well for yourself, which I valued

0:17:49.210 --> 0:17:53.530
<v Speaker 1>that because there had been a few instances in my

0:17:53.650 --> 0:17:59.010
<v Speaker 1>thirties where I had started to date people, and I'm

0:17:59.050 --> 0:18:02.290
<v Speaker 1>by no means overly successful. I'm middle of the road

0:18:02.770 --> 0:18:05.730
<v Speaker 1>corporate job. But a number of men that I had

0:18:05.770 --> 0:18:13.250
<v Speaker 1>met were somewhat intimidated by that and a bit threatened,

0:18:13.810 --> 0:18:17.210
<v Speaker 1>Whereas he seemed to really be proud of that and

0:18:17.330 --> 0:18:22.250
<v Speaker 1>value that I was a strong, independent female. So I thought, Wow,

0:18:22.290 --> 0:18:25.170
<v Speaker 1>this really works. We're both got great jobs, we're both strong,

0:18:25.250 --> 0:18:28.450
<v Speaker 1>we're both kind. And then his children were just this

0:18:28.690 --> 0:18:32.970
<v Speaker 1>added level of I guess beauty that he brought to

0:18:33.050 --> 0:18:37.210
<v Speaker 1>the relationship. I loved watching him with them. We all

0:18:37.250 --> 0:18:40.890
<v Speaker 1>cuddled on the couch and watched Disney movies. I felt

0:18:41.770 --> 0:18:45.730
<v Speaker 1>content and What had also happened in that sort of

0:18:45.770 --> 0:18:48.570
<v Speaker 1>first eight months is I mentioned he didn't have a

0:18:48.570 --> 0:18:52.610
<v Speaker 1>great relationship or almost no relationship with the sixteen year old,

0:18:53.410 --> 0:18:57.530
<v Speaker 1>and he had explained to me that he'd always wanted one,

0:18:58.090 --> 0:19:00.730
<v Speaker 1>but he'd never been with the mother. It was a

0:19:00.890 --> 0:19:04.330
<v Speaker 1>very short fling, early twenties, and he actually didn't even

0:19:04.370 --> 0:19:07.290
<v Speaker 1>know she was pregnant until essentially the daughter was born,

0:19:07.490 --> 0:19:10.930
<v Speaker 1>and he said he'd wanted a relationship with her, but

0:19:11.210 --> 0:19:15.370
<v Speaker 1>that he's ex wife wouldn't allow it. She wouldn't allow

0:19:15.610 --> 0:19:19.250
<v Speaker 1>a child that wasn't hers into their family, And he

0:19:19.330 --> 0:19:22.010
<v Speaker 1>blamed his ex wife on the fact that he really

0:19:22.050 --> 0:19:25.410
<v Speaker 1>hadn't seen his daughter for many years and had no relationship.

0:19:25.690 --> 0:19:29.970
<v Speaker 1>Now that I was around, they'd started talking on the

0:19:30.050 --> 0:19:34.650
<v Speaker 1>phone and just connecting, and she'd started coming around a

0:19:34.730 --> 0:19:38.410
<v Speaker 1>few times and having dinner, and they'd started forming a relationship.

0:19:38.450 --> 0:19:41.570
<v Speaker 1>And he credited that to me, which just made me

0:19:41.610 --> 0:19:44.690
<v Speaker 1>feel wonderful that I had helped bring this father and

0:19:44.810 --> 0:19:50.810
<v Speaker 1>daughter together. So when his fortieth birthday came around that year,

0:19:51.210 --> 0:19:53.810
<v Speaker 1>we decided to go on a holiday to Bali together

0:19:54.570 --> 0:19:57.970
<v Speaker 1>and invite the sixteen year old along so that he

0:19:58.010 --> 0:20:01.410
<v Speaker 1>could spend time with her without the other three children there,

0:20:02.050 --> 0:20:04.930
<v Speaker 1>and she was old enough to come along. Because it

0:20:05.010 --> 0:20:09.850
<v Speaker 1>was his fortieth birthday, I paid for everything, including for

0:20:09.890 --> 0:20:12.970
<v Speaker 1>his daughter, so that was obviously see a decent amount

0:20:13.010 --> 0:20:16.450
<v Speaker 1>of money. We mostly had a wonderful time. I spent

0:20:16.530 --> 0:20:19.090
<v Speaker 1>a lot of money, that's for sure, because we wanted

0:20:19.130 --> 0:20:22.970
<v Speaker 1>to have special dinners and just lovely nights out, and

0:20:23.050 --> 0:20:25.650
<v Speaker 1>really wanted to treat his daughter. And again it was

0:20:25.690 --> 0:20:29.490
<v Speaker 1>his fortieth so it was really special. We didn't fight,

0:20:29.850 --> 0:20:32.650
<v Speaker 1>we didn't anything. It was just a wonderful time together.

0:20:33.530 --> 0:20:35.650
<v Speaker 1>Came home and thought, wow, that was great. We might

0:20:35.650 --> 0:20:38.290
<v Speaker 1>actually go to Bali every year. From that point on,

0:20:38.610 --> 0:20:42.650
<v Speaker 1>we had so many weekends away. We went to Nelson

0:20:42.690 --> 0:20:47.130
<v Speaker 1>Bay and went hiking. We did a trip around Tasmania.

0:20:47.330 --> 0:20:51.650
<v Speaker 1>We both still traveled a lot for work, probably at

0:20:51.730 --> 0:20:55.330
<v Speaker 1>least one week a month, if not too We actually

0:20:55.410 --> 0:20:58.810
<v Speaker 1>like juggled our work schedules so that we were interstate

0:20:59.050 --> 0:21:01.890
<v Speaker 1>at the same time, in the same cities. It was

0:21:01.930 --> 0:21:04.730
<v Speaker 1>like we were on perpetual holiday. We had the best

0:21:04.730 --> 0:21:09.250
<v Speaker 1>of both worlds. Family, sometimes couples sometimes. By this point

0:21:09.690 --> 0:21:12.970
<v Speaker 1>he'd met all my friends. They all thought he was wonderful.

0:21:13.290 --> 0:21:17.570
<v Speaker 1>I love going to concerts and gigs, and he joined

0:21:17.610 --> 0:21:21.170
<v Speaker 1>into that crowd and came out with all my concert friends,

0:21:21.250 --> 0:21:25.130
<v Speaker 1>and I think my friends actually really started to adore

0:21:25.210 --> 0:21:27.890
<v Speaker 1>him when we decided to go to Pete Murray, which

0:21:27.930 --> 0:21:31.290
<v Speaker 1>is not everyone's cup of tea, and he didn't like

0:21:31.330 --> 0:21:33.970
<v Speaker 1>Pete Murray at all, but he said, no, no, you

0:21:34.050 --> 0:21:36.450
<v Speaker 1>really like Oh come, And it was essentially all my

0:21:36.530 --> 0:21:40.090
<v Speaker 1>girlfriends and him, like no one else's partner or husband

0:21:40.130 --> 0:21:42.410
<v Speaker 1>had come, just him, and they were like, God, Alex

0:21:42.530 --> 0:21:44.650
<v Speaker 1>is so nice. I can't believe you got him to

0:21:44.690 --> 0:21:47.650
<v Speaker 1>come to Pete Murray. We just had a wonderful time

0:21:47.730 --> 0:21:50.290
<v Speaker 1>and I think my favorite date. And I can't remember

0:21:50.290 --> 0:21:53.490
<v Speaker 1>how far in this is, but there's a band I love,

0:21:53.650 --> 0:21:57.010
<v Speaker 1>a UK band called Star Sailor. Hardly anyone knows them,

0:21:57.010 --> 0:22:01.010
<v Speaker 1>but I absolutely love them. They came to Melbourne and

0:22:01.090 --> 0:22:06.730
<v Speaker 1>did an acoustic concert in Saint Kilda, and he surprised

0:22:06.770 --> 0:22:08.850
<v Speaker 1>me with I think he must have copied over my

0:22:09.250 --> 0:22:11.850
<v Speaker 1>iTunes account or something, because he learned all all of

0:22:11.890 --> 0:22:15.650
<v Speaker 1>their songs, like five albums worth of songs. Surprised me,

0:22:15.970 --> 0:22:18.690
<v Speaker 1>took me to the concert. Honestly, it was the best

0:22:18.770 --> 0:22:20.650
<v Speaker 1>concert I've ever been to just because I love them,

0:22:21.290 --> 0:22:24.650
<v Speaker 1>and it was acoustic and it was intimate, and because

0:22:24.650 --> 0:22:26.770
<v Speaker 1>he'd learned all the words, and we sung them and

0:22:26.810 --> 0:22:29.090
<v Speaker 1>practiced on the way in in the car, and he

0:22:29.250 --> 0:22:32.290
<v Speaker 1>just did so many thoughtful things. And again there was

0:22:32.330 --> 0:22:37.010
<v Speaker 1>always flowers and cards. And I've never had someone tell

0:22:37.050 --> 0:22:42.490
<v Speaker 1>me I love you like daily daily, just he was beautiful.

0:22:43.210 --> 0:22:45.730
<v Speaker 2>They went on like this for about nine months, when

0:22:45.770 --> 0:22:48.690
<v Speaker 2>Alex stayed true to his word, and after twelve months

0:22:48.770 --> 0:22:51.410
<v Speaker 2>there moved out of the tiny bayside flat.

0:22:52.130 --> 0:22:54.090
<v Speaker 1>Moving in together wasn't even on the cards, but he

0:22:54.210 --> 0:22:57.610
<v Speaker 1>did move from being about forty minutes away to about

0:22:57.650 --> 0:23:00.770
<v Speaker 1>five minutes away, to a much nicer place, a bigger

0:23:00.770 --> 0:23:05.010
<v Speaker 1>place where the kids weren't squashed into one room. I

0:23:05.050 --> 0:23:08.690
<v Speaker 1>bought him some new furniture to help him make this

0:23:08.810 --> 0:23:12.170
<v Speaker 1>new house a home. I bought all new linen and

0:23:12.250 --> 0:23:15.170
<v Speaker 1>towel so he could get rid of all the the

0:23:15.210 --> 0:23:16.930
<v Speaker 1>sort of hand me downs that he'd been using. So

0:23:16.970 --> 0:23:19.370
<v Speaker 1>I basically kitted out his new house for him and

0:23:19.490 --> 0:23:22.530
<v Speaker 1>wanted to make it really welcoming for the kids. By

0:23:22.570 --> 0:23:25.010
<v Speaker 1>this point, we'd been together about a year and a

0:23:25.050 --> 0:23:30.170
<v Speaker 1>half and we were ready to move in together. I

0:23:30.210 --> 0:23:33.890
<v Speaker 1>lived in a two bedroom unit, which was obviously not

0:23:34.050 --> 0:23:38.210
<v Speaker 1>big enough. We decided that I would sell my unit.

0:23:38.450 --> 0:23:42.730
<v Speaker 1>I guess my view was I currently own something, well,

0:23:42.810 --> 0:23:45.730
<v Speaker 1>the bank owns it, but I don't want to go

0:23:45.850 --> 0:23:50.290
<v Speaker 1>back to renting. So we discussed that I would sell

0:23:50.690 --> 0:23:53.810
<v Speaker 1>my unit and that we would choose a house together

0:23:54.250 --> 0:23:56.730
<v Speaker 1>that was suitable for us as a family when the

0:23:56.810 --> 0:24:00.170
<v Speaker 1>kids were there. He had no money to deposit, and

0:24:00.250 --> 0:24:03.170
<v Speaker 1>the background there which had come out more and more

0:24:03.210 --> 0:24:05.170
<v Speaker 1>over the last year and a half, as he said

0:24:05.210 --> 0:24:08.810
<v Speaker 1>his wife cheated, she left him with nothing. What came

0:24:08.850 --> 0:24:12.250
<v Speaker 1>out over that first eighteen months, bit by bit, was

0:24:12.330 --> 0:24:16.330
<v Speaker 1>that she'd not only left him with nothing, but that

0:24:17.010 --> 0:24:20.250
<v Speaker 1>she had a business and he, as her husband, was

0:24:20.450 --> 0:24:24.170
<v Speaker 1>on paper director of the business. He told me that

0:24:24.730 --> 0:24:29.850
<v Speaker 1>she sold the business, pocketed the profit, but the rent

0:24:29.970 --> 0:24:33.010
<v Speaker 1>on the business lease and all of the equipment and

0:24:33.050 --> 0:24:35.610
<v Speaker 1>I guess everything, all the expenses that go with running

0:24:35.650 --> 0:24:39.450
<v Speaker 1>for a business because he was director on paper. He

0:24:39.490 --> 0:24:43.010
<v Speaker 1>said that he'd been getting legal bills and letters and

0:24:43.090 --> 0:24:46.410
<v Speaker 1>threats that he owed over one hundred thousand dollars in

0:24:46.490 --> 0:24:51.810
<v Speaker 1>debt for his ex wife's business, and that's why he

0:24:51.850 --> 0:24:55.490
<v Speaker 1>didn't have any money for a deposit, and I believed him.

0:24:55.730 --> 0:24:59.290
<v Speaker 1>He would constantly show me text messages from his ex

0:24:59.330 --> 0:25:03.610
<v Speaker 1>wife asking for money for very legitimate things. My geno.

0:25:03.730 --> 0:25:07.090
<v Speaker 1>One of the kids has an extra school fees or

0:25:07.130 --> 0:25:10.210
<v Speaker 1>a school camp or school excursion, and all these things

0:25:10.210 --> 0:25:12.010
<v Speaker 1>that he would show me, No, I have to give

0:25:12.050 --> 0:25:14.890
<v Speaker 1>my ex wife an extra thousand dollars this month. And

0:25:14.930 --> 0:25:18.290
<v Speaker 1>I would hear them constantly arguing on the phone or

0:25:18.330 --> 0:25:21.450
<v Speaker 1>see him having text arguments with her about the kids

0:25:21.490 --> 0:25:26.050
<v Speaker 1>and access and money. And it was horrible and frankly,

0:25:26.090 --> 0:25:32.250
<v Speaker 1>the way he spoke to her, he was condescending, he swore,

0:25:32.330 --> 0:25:34.850
<v Speaker 1>and was quite obscene in the way he spoke to her.

0:25:34.890 --> 0:25:38.690
<v Speaker 1>He threatened her a lot, and it was quite revolting.

0:25:39.290 --> 0:25:43.010
<v Speaker 1>But again I just thought, well, the way she's treated him,

0:25:44.570 --> 0:25:47.810
<v Speaker 1>I understand it. She's a horrible person, and I actually

0:25:47.890 --> 0:25:50.970
<v Speaker 1>sort of took his side. We agreed that I would

0:25:51.010 --> 0:25:53.730
<v Speaker 1>buy the house on my own. It would be in

0:25:53.770 --> 0:25:56.610
<v Speaker 1>my name, and for that reason, we agreed to do

0:25:56.730 --> 0:26:01.530
<v Speaker 1>a prenup that said the house was mine, and if

0:26:01.570 --> 0:26:04.890
<v Speaker 1>one day we ever broke up, if he had contributed

0:26:04.930 --> 0:26:07.650
<v Speaker 1>to the mortgage, he would get that back and a

0:26:07.650 --> 0:26:10.730
<v Speaker 1>percent that the house had gone up, but he was

0:26:10.850 --> 0:26:12.930
<v Speaker 1>never going to be in a position to contribute to

0:26:12.970 --> 0:26:16.210
<v Speaker 1>the mortgage, so I felt pretty secure. So I sold

0:26:16.250 --> 0:26:20.930
<v Speaker 1>my house. The house that I bought Eastern suburbs of Melbourne.

0:26:20.970 --> 0:26:25.530
<v Speaker 1>It's a huge family house, five bedrooms, three bathrooms, two loundrooms,

0:26:25.570 --> 0:26:29.410
<v Speaker 1>like perfect for a family. We made sure there was

0:26:29.570 --> 0:26:32.970
<v Speaker 1>a room for each of the three smaller kids. They

0:26:33.050 --> 0:26:36.490
<v Speaker 1>got to choose the paint color and the decorations, and we,

0:26:36.810 --> 0:26:40.090
<v Speaker 1>being I, bought new things and new furniture for them.

0:26:40.650 --> 0:26:43.130
<v Speaker 1>We bought five bedrooms so that there was also a

0:26:43.210 --> 0:26:46.650
<v Speaker 1>spare room. Now that he was getting closer with the

0:26:46.690 --> 0:26:49.730
<v Speaker 1>eldest daughter, who by this point was probably eighteen, so

0:26:49.770 --> 0:26:52.490
<v Speaker 1>we made sure she had a room. And obviously that

0:26:52.530 --> 0:26:54.610
<v Speaker 1>house costs a lot more than my two bedroom unit.

0:26:55.370 --> 0:26:59.930
<v Speaker 1>I didn't want to have a huge mortgage. I actually

0:26:59.970 --> 0:27:04.010
<v Speaker 1>also had an apartment in inner City Melbourne that I

0:27:04.090 --> 0:27:07.050
<v Speaker 1>had once lived in, and that was sort of my

0:27:07.130 --> 0:27:10.290
<v Speaker 1>financial security that I was going to keep forever. I

0:27:10.330 --> 0:27:12.410
<v Speaker 1>was renting it out and it was partying for itself.

0:27:12.450 --> 0:27:15.570
<v Speaker 1>But to make sure I didn't have a really big mortgage,

0:27:15.650 --> 0:27:18.890
<v Speaker 1>I sold that. So I sold my home. I sold

0:27:18.890 --> 0:27:21.770
<v Speaker 1>my investment property to buy a house with a small mortgage,

0:27:21.810 --> 0:27:23.890
<v Speaker 1>really for him and his family, but I wanted to

0:27:24.930 --> 0:27:29.010
<v Speaker 1>the first six to nine months of living together was bliss.

0:27:29.650 --> 0:27:29.850
<v Speaker 2>You know.

0:27:29.890 --> 0:27:32.810
<v Speaker 1>We built her home together, We refurnished it, We did

0:27:32.890 --> 0:27:35.410
<v Speaker 1>up the kids' rooms. The kids loved coming around. They

0:27:35.410 --> 0:27:38.250
<v Speaker 1>had their own lounge room with the PlayStation, and we

0:27:38.330 --> 0:27:41.210
<v Speaker 1>had bikes there for them. And we lived near a trail,

0:27:41.370 --> 0:27:43.690
<v Speaker 1>so we'd go for weekend bike rides and mini golf

0:27:43.730 --> 0:27:46.410
<v Speaker 1>and all those fun things. Apart from me sort of

0:27:46.570 --> 0:27:51.890
<v Speaker 1>on the sideline, observing his relationship with his ex wife deteriorate,

0:27:52.610 --> 0:27:56.930
<v Speaker 1>he told me that that's because she was jealous. We'd

0:27:57.370 --> 0:27:59.890
<v Speaker 1>bought a huge house that they'd never been able to

0:27:59.930 --> 0:28:03.770
<v Speaker 1>do together. I think she probably thought he was contributing

0:28:03.810 --> 0:28:06.410
<v Speaker 1>money to it, and they're not giving her money. She

0:28:06.450 --> 0:28:08.770
<v Speaker 1>wouldn't have known that I had paid for everything and

0:28:08.850 --> 0:28:13.170
<v Speaker 1>was actually paying for everything. Fighting about money because she

0:28:13.330 --> 0:28:17.130
<v Speaker 1>was always asking him for more money again legitimately, and

0:28:17.170 --> 0:28:18.810
<v Speaker 1>he would say, I can't afford it, and she thought

0:28:18.850 --> 0:28:22.210
<v Speaker 1>it was coming to me. I'd given up my financial security,

0:28:22.410 --> 0:28:25.690
<v Speaker 1>I'd invested in a house like I was in it.

0:28:26.330 --> 0:28:27.290
<v Speaker 1>But it was worth it.

0:28:27.530 --> 0:28:31.130
<v Speaker 2>They were so happy and the relationship was amazing. Alex

0:28:31.250 --> 0:28:33.730
<v Speaker 2>was amazing until he wasn't.

0:28:34.410 --> 0:28:36.490
<v Speaker 1>So we'd been together two or so years at this

0:28:36.570 --> 0:28:39.610
<v Speaker 1>point and had been living together for probably seven or

0:28:39.610 --> 0:28:42.370
<v Speaker 1>eight months, So at this point we were good. Things

0:28:42.370 --> 0:28:46.330
<v Speaker 1>were great. And he was having a weekend away at

0:28:46.370 --> 0:28:50.090
<v Speaker 1>my beach house with his brother and another mate, and

0:28:50.130 --> 0:28:53.410
<v Speaker 1>they said it was a golf weekend, so great, have fun.

0:28:53.530 --> 0:28:56.450
<v Speaker 1>I'll have a girl's weekend. And it was wonderful. So

0:28:56.490 --> 0:28:58.930
<v Speaker 1>he went down on the Friday, and we texted and

0:28:58.970 --> 0:29:01.570
<v Speaker 1>chatted throughout the weekend, said he was playing golf and

0:29:01.610 --> 0:29:06.850
<v Speaker 1>having a great time. On the Sunday afternoon, his car

0:29:08.050 --> 0:29:14.210
<v Speaker 1>screeched into the driveway, screeched in abruptly, and the front

0:29:14.250 --> 0:29:18.170
<v Speaker 1>door sort of burst open, and he staggered into the

0:29:18.250 --> 0:29:23.330
<v Speaker 1>house and he was holding his chest, and honestly, his

0:29:23.490 --> 0:29:28.090
<v Speaker 1>face was like lopsided and he was drooling out of

0:29:28.290 --> 0:29:31.210
<v Speaker 1>one corner of his mouth, and he couldn't speak. He

0:29:31.250 --> 0:29:35.170
<v Speaker 1>basically sort of staggered into the house and collapsed onto

0:29:35.210 --> 0:29:37.770
<v Speaker 1>the lounge, grabbing his chest, and I didn't know what

0:29:37.810 --> 0:29:39.850
<v Speaker 1>to do. I was like, what's going on, what's happened?

0:29:39.890 --> 0:29:43.650
<v Speaker 1>And he sort of managed a couple of words like ambulance, ambulance.

0:29:44.090 --> 0:29:46.530
<v Speaker 1>Heart attack, heart attack, and one side of his body

0:29:46.690 --> 0:29:48.530
<v Speaker 1>was like not moving, and I thought, oh my god,

0:29:48.530 --> 0:29:50.490
<v Speaker 1>he's actually having a stroke. And at this point he

0:29:50.530 --> 0:29:54.010
<v Speaker 1>was probably forty one. So I immediately called an ambulance

0:29:54.410 --> 0:29:56.410
<v Speaker 1>and I said, I think my partner's having a stroke.

0:29:57.090 --> 0:29:59.210
<v Speaker 1>I explained what was happening, and they said, okay, we're

0:29:59.250 --> 0:30:02.650
<v Speaker 1>on our way. Can you tell us has he had

0:30:02.690 --> 0:30:07.570
<v Speaker 1>any illicit substances? I said, I don't know. He just

0:30:07.650 --> 0:30:10.010
<v Speaker 1>came home and like, I don't know, and they said,

0:30:10.050 --> 0:30:11.610
<v Speaker 1>can you find out? I said I can't. He can't

0:30:11.650 --> 0:30:15.970
<v Speaker 1>don't speak. He literally can't speak. He's dribbling. I don't know,

0:30:16.490 --> 0:30:19.290
<v Speaker 1>and I said, hang on, I'll quickly call his brother, Scott.

0:30:20.010 --> 0:30:23.450
<v Speaker 1>I called Scott and I said the ambulance has asked

0:30:23.490 --> 0:30:25.770
<v Speaker 1>if he's had anything. And he went silent for a

0:30:25.810 --> 0:30:29.770
<v Speaker 1>moment and I thought, oh my god. And he goes, yeah, okay,

0:30:29.810 --> 0:30:32.090
<v Speaker 1>he has see Okay, well tell me more. I'm on

0:30:32.130 --> 0:30:33.970
<v Speaker 1>the phone to the ambulance on the other line. You

0:30:34.010 --> 0:30:35.850
<v Speaker 1>need to tell me what's going on. He said he

0:30:35.890 --> 0:30:39.210
<v Speaker 1>had some coke. I went, mate, we've all been out

0:30:39.210 --> 0:30:41.450
<v Speaker 1>on big nights. I know what people on coke look like,

0:30:42.050 --> 0:30:44.890
<v Speaker 1>this is not coke and he goes, oh, no, he

0:30:44.930 --> 0:30:47.810
<v Speaker 1>had a lot, and I go okay, but again, mate,

0:30:47.890 --> 0:30:51.170
<v Speaker 1>the ambulance is coming. Tell me how much coke did

0:30:51.170 --> 0:30:53.610
<v Speaker 1>he have? And he goes, look, I don't know how much,

0:30:53.650 --> 0:30:55.690
<v Speaker 1>but more than he's ever had in his life. And

0:30:55.730 --> 0:31:01.290
<v Speaker 1>I went, what, so he does this a lot? Oh? Oh?

0:31:01.650 --> 0:31:03.210
<v Speaker 1>He just didn't answer, and I just went, you know,

0:31:03.370 --> 0:31:06.930
<v Speaker 1>I've got to go. Ambulance is here. So the ambulance

0:31:06.970 --> 0:31:09.130
<v Speaker 1>turned up and I said to them, I don't know

0:31:09.210 --> 0:31:12.530
<v Speaker 1>how much, but I can confirm that apparently he's had

0:31:12.650 --> 0:31:15.450
<v Speaker 1>a lot of cocaine. And they looked at him and

0:31:15.490 --> 0:31:18.530
<v Speaker 1>they said, he's not having a stroke. He's had so

0:31:18.690 --> 0:31:22.490
<v Speaker 1>much cocaine that he's coming down so hard that his

0:31:22.570 --> 0:31:25.330
<v Speaker 1>body can't cope and he needs to go to hospital.

0:31:26.250 --> 0:31:29.890
<v Speaker 2>The anchor was mortified and angry. Alex had told her

0:31:29.970 --> 0:31:32.610
<v Speaker 2>he didn't do drugs ever, yet here he was having

0:31:32.650 --> 0:31:35.490
<v Speaker 2>done so much on an apparent golf weekend he had

0:31:35.490 --> 0:31:39.610
<v Speaker 2>to be hospitalized. It made something inside her shift.

0:31:40.170 --> 0:31:43.170
<v Speaker 1>I just looked at him and thought, you are revolting.

0:31:43.690 --> 0:31:48.130
<v Speaker 1>He still couldn't speak. He was in hospital overnight. I

0:31:48.250 --> 0:31:50.770
<v Speaker 1>stayed with him and had to hold a wei bottle

0:31:50.810 --> 0:31:54.570
<v Speaker 1>for him because it couldn't even function. And at that point,

0:31:54.650 --> 0:31:57.050
<v Speaker 1>I just thought, you are a mess. I just got

0:31:57.090 --> 0:31:59.970
<v Speaker 1>the ick in that moment. And look, I'm not adverse

0:32:00.090 --> 0:32:02.410
<v Speaker 1>to people going out and partying and doing what they

0:32:02.410 --> 0:32:05.570
<v Speaker 1>want to do, but someone who would take that much

0:32:05.690 --> 0:32:08.650
<v Speaker 1>that they would put themselves in hospital crossed a line

0:32:08.690 --> 0:32:13.090
<v Speaker 1>that I'd never wanted to see anyone cross. He took

0:32:13.570 --> 0:32:17.690
<v Speaker 1>an entire week off work to basically come down and recover,

0:32:18.570 --> 0:32:22.650
<v Speaker 1>and he told work, friends, family, everyone, and got me

0:32:22.730 --> 0:32:25.610
<v Speaker 1>to say the same that he was stressed at work

0:32:25.730 --> 0:32:29.290
<v Speaker 1>and that he'd had a panic attack. I'd seen him drunk,

0:32:29.370 --> 0:32:33.090
<v Speaker 1>and he'd certainly had big nights out drinking, but I'd

0:32:33.130 --> 0:32:36.210
<v Speaker 1>never seen anything like this, so I didn't think this

0:32:36.290 --> 0:32:40.410
<v Speaker 1>has been a problem. That moment, I went, this is revolting.

0:32:41.210 --> 0:32:44.810
<v Speaker 1>You are not, as of right now, the person I

0:32:44.890 --> 0:32:50.410
<v Speaker 1>want to be with. But I was stuck. I had

0:32:50.450 --> 0:32:54.930
<v Speaker 1>invested my house, I'd given up so much, probably without

0:32:54.970 --> 0:32:58.370
<v Speaker 1>realizing that I think happens to all of us when

0:32:58.410 --> 0:33:00.650
<v Speaker 1>we fall in love. You know, I probably had pulled

0:33:00.650 --> 0:33:03.050
<v Speaker 1>away from some of my friends a little bit. I

0:33:03.090 --> 0:33:05.690
<v Speaker 1>still saw them a lot, but not as much as

0:33:05.690 --> 0:33:09.450
<v Speaker 1>I had been, and I felt trapped. I just and

0:33:09.490 --> 0:33:14.050
<v Speaker 1>I thought, I can fix you. I can make this work.

0:33:14.850 --> 0:33:18.490
<v Speaker 1>This was a one off. It's not going to happen again.

0:33:19.010 --> 0:33:22.370
<v Speaker 1>I've just got to work with him on making sure

0:33:22.370 --> 0:33:23.370
<v Speaker 1>it doesn't happen again.

0:33:23.930 --> 0:33:25.930
<v Speaker 2>But it didn't get any better from there.

0:33:28.730 --> 0:33:32.970
<v Speaker 1>From that point, he started increasingly going out, and again

0:33:33.010 --> 0:33:35.770
<v Speaker 1>I was never invited, but actually I didn't want to

0:33:35.810 --> 0:33:40.490
<v Speaker 1>go because his brother was a bad influence. He agreed

0:33:40.530 --> 0:33:42.530
<v Speaker 1>with me that his brother was a bad influence. Like

0:33:42.650 --> 0:33:44.730
<v Speaker 1>if they were going to go out and hopefully the

0:33:44.810 --> 0:33:48.450
<v Speaker 1>drug incident was a one off, but the amount they drank.

0:33:48.850 --> 0:33:52.210
<v Speaker 1>I love a drink or three, like everyone, but they

0:33:52.290 --> 0:33:57.730
<v Speaker 1>would obliterate themselves till four am quite regularly and drive home.

0:33:58.570 --> 0:34:00.090
<v Speaker 1>I mean, this is someone who I thought was a

0:34:00.130 --> 0:34:04.730
<v Speaker 1>wonderful father, and I just thought, you're just gross, disgusting.

0:34:05.810 --> 0:34:08.130
<v Speaker 1>It kept happening. At least once a week he would

0:34:08.170 --> 0:34:10.010
<v Speaker 1>go out, and I don't even mean on a Saturday

0:34:10.090 --> 0:34:13.610
<v Speaker 1>night like sometimes Midek. He'd go out until four am.

0:34:13.650 --> 0:34:16.810
<v Speaker 1>I really don't know how he was even getting up

0:34:16.810 --> 0:34:18.690
<v Speaker 1>and functioning, because he was getting up and going to

0:34:18.730 --> 0:34:22.890
<v Speaker 1>work after coming home at four am, and the next day.

0:34:24.250 --> 0:34:26.490
<v Speaker 1>It was very up and down. Sometimes he would be

0:34:26.970 --> 0:34:30.570
<v Speaker 1>in an awful mood. He would not speak to me

0:34:30.770 --> 0:34:35.570
<v Speaker 1>for days on end and say, my anxiety is playing up,

0:34:36.210 --> 0:34:37.770
<v Speaker 1>and I just think, I mean, you just hung over.

0:34:38.010 --> 0:34:39.410
<v Speaker 1>But whatever, I'll stay out of you.

0:34:39.490 --> 0:34:39.730
<v Speaker 2>Ah.

0:34:40.210 --> 0:34:45.050
<v Speaker 1>Sometimes he'd be angry. He'd be really verbally and emotionally

0:34:45.090 --> 0:34:48.010
<v Speaker 1>abusive to me. He'd gasp at me and say, well,

0:34:48.010 --> 0:34:51.210
<v Speaker 1>I went out drinking because if I come home and

0:34:51.250 --> 0:34:53.370
<v Speaker 1>talk to you about a bad day at work, you

0:34:53.410 --> 0:34:56.050
<v Speaker 1>don't listen, you don't empathize, you don't want to hear it.

0:34:56.090 --> 0:34:58.330
<v Speaker 1>So you forced me to go out drinking. I thought,

0:34:58.890 --> 0:35:01.850
<v Speaker 1>maybe he's having coke to stay awake, you know, that's

0:35:01.890 --> 0:35:03.690
<v Speaker 1>I don't know how else you'd stay awake till four

0:35:03.690 --> 0:35:06.890
<v Speaker 1>am and then function the next day. But then I thought, no,

0:35:07.090 --> 0:35:11.090
<v Speaker 1>that's impossible. He has no money. Coke is really expensive.

0:35:11.130 --> 0:35:14.770
<v Speaker 1>There's no way he's doing that. I actually knew a

0:35:14.810 --> 0:35:17.050
<v Speaker 1>lot of the time that he was drinking at our

0:35:17.170 --> 0:35:20.570
<v Speaker 1>local pub. And I don't want to sound like a stalker,

0:35:20.570 --> 0:35:23.290
<v Speaker 1>because I'm not. But sometimes i'd be worried because he'd

0:35:23.330 --> 0:35:26.250
<v Speaker 1>text me at six pm I'm just having a quick

0:35:26.330 --> 0:35:29.370
<v Speaker 1>drink after work, I'll be home by eight. I'd text

0:35:29.450 --> 0:35:31.090
<v Speaker 1>him at eight, Hey are you on the way home?

0:35:31.170 --> 0:35:35.290
<v Speaker 1>Dinner's ready. He wouldn't reply by ten or eleven. I'd

0:35:35.330 --> 0:35:38.250
<v Speaker 1>be really worried, and I'd literally just drive up to

0:35:38.290 --> 0:35:41.330
<v Speaker 1>the local pub and there's his car in the car park. Now,

0:35:41.410 --> 0:35:44.650
<v Speaker 1>this is just a local suburban pub. That's not the

0:35:44.690 --> 0:35:47.090
<v Speaker 1>kind of place you'd be doing coke. I was very

0:35:47.090 --> 0:35:50.330
<v Speaker 1>confident he wasn't doing that, and that he was just

0:35:50.570 --> 0:35:56.250
<v Speaker 1>had a real problem with alcohol. Whilst sometimes he'd have

0:35:56.290 --> 0:36:00.050
<v Speaker 1>a big night and be horrible to me, sometimes he

0:36:00.090 --> 0:36:02.890
<v Speaker 1>would get up first thing in the morning, two chores

0:36:02.930 --> 0:36:06.010
<v Speaker 1>around the house, walk the dogs. He'd go out and

0:36:06.010 --> 0:36:08.570
<v Speaker 1>buy me flowers and come back with a beautiful card

0:36:08.650 --> 0:36:11.010
<v Speaker 1>and say, I'm so sorry. I don't know what came

0:36:11.050 --> 0:36:13.610
<v Speaker 1>over me. I had a bad day at work. I

0:36:13.650 --> 0:36:15.810
<v Speaker 1>should have come home and spoken to you, or the

0:36:15.810 --> 0:36:18.290
<v Speaker 1>love of my life. I won't do it again. And

0:36:18.330 --> 0:36:21.730
<v Speaker 1>then we'd have a wonderful period of time. There was

0:36:21.770 --> 0:36:23.770
<v Speaker 1>good with the bad. So I guess I was just

0:36:23.810 --> 0:36:26.450
<v Speaker 1>putting up with the bad and thinking does the good

0:36:26.450 --> 0:36:28.410
<v Speaker 1>makeup for it? I don't know, maybe it was sort

0:36:28.410 --> 0:36:31.810
<v Speaker 1>of a balance. I certainly wasn't happy, but I wasn't

0:36:32.370 --> 0:36:37.170
<v Speaker 1>miserable enough to sell the house and completely go through

0:36:37.170 --> 0:36:39.890
<v Speaker 1>a whole life upheaval again, because there were still good

0:36:39.930 --> 0:36:41.330
<v Speaker 1>times in there.

0:36:41.690 --> 0:36:45.370
<v Speaker 2>But then something odd happened. Alex's eleven year old daughter,

0:36:45.570 --> 0:36:48.450
<v Speaker 2>his eldest child with his ex wife, stopped visiting.

0:36:49.210 --> 0:36:55.370
<v Speaker 1>He told me that his ex wife has turned the

0:36:55.450 --> 0:37:00.090
<v Speaker 1>eldest against us. She hates me, she hates you, she

0:37:00.210 --> 0:37:03.530
<v Speaker 1>thinks you're the wicked witch step mother. She never wants

0:37:03.570 --> 0:37:06.250
<v Speaker 1>to come to our house again, and that was basically it.

0:37:06.410 --> 0:37:10.850
<v Speaker 1>Never saw her again. I didn't understand it because I

0:37:10.850 --> 0:37:13.690
<v Speaker 1>had tried the best I could be to be wonderful

0:37:13.730 --> 0:37:15.730
<v Speaker 1>to all three of the children and the eldest one

0:37:15.970 --> 0:37:18.930
<v Speaker 1>for years now, and I didn't understand it, but I

0:37:18.970 --> 0:37:22.170
<v Speaker 1>guess I believed him in that he said his ex

0:37:22.250 --> 0:37:25.410
<v Speaker 1>wife that she hated me, she hated the kids having

0:37:25.450 --> 0:37:28.530
<v Speaker 1>a relationship with me, and the eldest was old enough

0:37:28.570 --> 0:37:32.050
<v Speaker 1>to be influenced by her. So he blamed his ex wife,

0:37:32.290 --> 0:37:34.850
<v Speaker 1>me and the ex wife. So I guess I just

0:37:34.890 --> 0:37:37.330
<v Speaker 1>accepted that, and I thought, Okay, maybe she does hate me,

0:37:37.410 --> 0:37:40.050
<v Speaker 1>but it's probably not anything I've done. I'm not a

0:37:40.050 --> 0:37:45.090
<v Speaker 1>bad person. Never saw her again. We continued to have

0:37:45.170 --> 0:37:48.450
<v Speaker 1>weekends away just the two of us and still kept

0:37:48.490 --> 0:37:53.490
<v Speaker 1>seeing the other two children. He borrowed money a lot,

0:37:53.850 --> 0:37:57.810
<v Speaker 1>and it increased. Before we lived together, never borrowed money,

0:37:58.210 --> 0:38:01.250
<v Speaker 1>but once we started living together, and he was constantly

0:38:01.290 --> 0:38:03.210
<v Speaker 1>showing me all these texts from his ex. You know,

0:38:03.210 --> 0:38:05.090
<v Speaker 1>I need to pay five hundred bucks for this and that.

0:38:05.530 --> 0:38:09.730
<v Speaker 1>He constantly asked that, not insignificant, but not large amounts

0:38:09.730 --> 0:38:13.050
<v Speaker 1>of money. Oh, I've had to give my ex five

0:38:13.130 --> 0:38:16.090
<v Speaker 1>hundred bucks for whatever? Can I borrow three hundred bucks

0:38:16.170 --> 0:38:16.810
<v Speaker 1>until payday?

0:38:17.090 --> 0:38:17.130
<v Speaker 2>Like?

0:38:17.250 --> 0:38:19.730
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, whatever's three hundred bucks, Okay, fine. It would never

0:38:19.770 --> 0:38:23.290
<v Speaker 1>get paid back. We called it borrow, but it wasn't.

0:38:23.570 --> 0:38:25.650
<v Speaker 1>And it actually got to the point where I think

0:38:25.770 --> 0:38:27.770
<v Speaker 1>each month I would have loaned him somewhere between five

0:38:27.850 --> 0:38:31.610
<v Speaker 1>hundred and one thousand dollars. In early twenty twenty, he

0:38:31.730 --> 0:38:35.970
<v Speaker 1>had a great aunt that passed away who didn't have children,

0:38:36.810 --> 0:38:40.370
<v Speaker 1>and he and his four siblings were all expecting an

0:38:40.410 --> 0:38:45.490
<v Speaker 1>inheritance of about eighty thousand dollars. And he said, because

0:38:45.490 --> 0:38:48.130
<v Speaker 1>we know it's going to come in, I've still got

0:38:48.130 --> 0:38:52.930
<v Speaker 1>all these debts from my ex wife's business. He told

0:38:52.970 --> 0:38:57.130
<v Speaker 1>me that he also got a thirty thousand dollar bill

0:38:57.650 --> 0:39:02.050
<v Speaker 1>from a private school that she had enrolled the kids in,

0:39:02.090 --> 0:39:03.690
<v Speaker 1>and I knew they went to this school, of course,

0:39:03.730 --> 0:39:06.410
<v Speaker 1>I'd picked them up from there. And he said that

0:39:07.370 --> 0:39:09.530
<v Speaker 1>he'd never agreed for them to go to the private

0:39:09.570 --> 0:39:12.450
<v Speaker 1>school and pay their fees. That was her choice, but

0:39:12.530 --> 0:39:15.170
<v Speaker 1>that she had forged his signature on the school enrollment

0:39:15.530 --> 0:39:17.970
<v Speaker 1>and now the school was chasing him for thirty thousand

0:39:18.050 --> 0:39:20.370
<v Speaker 1>dollars as well as all the other debts he was

0:39:20.410 --> 0:39:23.010
<v Speaker 1>still paying off. And he asked me, you know, I

0:39:23.050 --> 0:39:26.930
<v Speaker 1>know you've got some secret savings, which I didn't, but

0:39:28.130 --> 0:39:30.490
<v Speaker 1>he was confident I had some secret savings that I

0:39:30.530 --> 0:39:33.050
<v Speaker 1>was hiding from him, which I don't know how that's

0:39:33.090 --> 0:39:36.050
<v Speaker 1>possible when I sold everything to buy this house, and

0:39:36.130 --> 0:39:39.170
<v Speaker 1>could he borrow eighty thousand dollars knowing that he'd pay

0:39:39.170 --> 0:39:41.970
<v Speaker 1>me back when the inheritance came in. I said, no,

0:39:42.250 --> 0:39:45.370
<v Speaker 1>you can't. I don't have it, and also if I did,

0:39:45.450 --> 0:39:47.850
<v Speaker 1>I would pay it off the mortgage. I don't have

0:39:47.930 --> 0:39:51.490
<v Speaker 1>money to loan you. So we had a huge fight

0:39:51.530 --> 0:39:54.290
<v Speaker 1>out over that. It was probably the biggest fight we'd

0:39:54.330 --> 0:39:56.650
<v Speaker 1>had because he thought I had this money and I

0:39:56.690 --> 0:39:59.890
<v Speaker 1>was holding out. But you know, eventually, after probably not

0:39:59.930 --> 0:40:03.330
<v Speaker 1>speaking to me for a week or so, he calmed down.

0:40:03.570 --> 0:40:06.450
<v Speaker 1>He apologized. He said, you know, I should never have asked,

0:40:06.530 --> 0:40:08.890
<v Speaker 1>and you've done a lot for me already. I just

0:40:08.930 --> 0:40:11.250
<v Speaker 1>shouldn't have asked, and I'm so sorry, and I love

0:40:11.290 --> 0:40:15.050
<v Speaker 1>you all the rest of it and etc. Towards the

0:40:15.130 --> 0:40:18.450
<v Speaker 1>end of that year, the inheritance actually came in and

0:40:18.650 --> 0:40:22.250
<v Speaker 1>he got a bit over eighty thousand dollars. I mean,

0:40:22.290 --> 0:40:24.850
<v Speaker 1>I was so happy for him. He didn't use it

0:40:24.890 --> 0:40:28.450
<v Speaker 1>to repay me anything I had loaned him. I should

0:40:28.490 --> 0:40:32.050
<v Speaker 1>say he did put some money into my savings account

0:40:32.050 --> 0:40:35.970
<v Speaker 1>every month to contribute to bills, groceries, etc. But I

0:40:36.010 --> 0:40:38.970
<v Speaker 1>mean it wasn't even half of anything. It probably covered

0:40:39.050 --> 0:40:43.330
<v Speaker 1>the groceries and maybe health insurance like that's it. So

0:40:43.370 --> 0:40:45.410
<v Speaker 1>he didn't pay me back for anything. He told me

0:40:45.490 --> 0:40:49.730
<v Speaker 1>he paid off the school fees and some of the debt,

0:40:49.770 --> 0:40:51.850
<v Speaker 1>but that he was still in debt. It still didn't

0:40:51.930 --> 0:40:56.170
<v Speaker 1>touch the edges, and I believed him. You know, the

0:40:56.170 --> 0:40:58.490
<v Speaker 1>good times and the bad times continued, but the bad

0:40:58.530 --> 0:41:03.250
<v Speaker 1>times started increasing. He just did nothing. He really did nothing,

0:41:03.530 --> 0:41:06.610
<v Speaker 1>really didn't contribute much, but every now and then still

0:41:06.650 --> 0:41:10.290
<v Speaker 1>had moments of kindness and love. At this point, the

0:41:10.330 --> 0:41:14.690
<v Speaker 1>good probably wasn't outweighing the bad, but I was mid

0:41:14.810 --> 0:41:18.090
<v Speaker 1>forties stuck. I thought, I don't want to be alone,

0:41:18.090 --> 0:41:19.690
<v Speaker 1>and I just don't want to give up. And I

0:41:19.770 --> 0:41:23.770
<v Speaker 1>still think I can fix him. I just need him

0:41:23.810 --> 0:41:28.330
<v Speaker 1>to get help for his alcohol problem. He said he'd

0:41:28.330 --> 0:41:31.170
<v Speaker 1>try and rein it in, and I think there are

0:41:31.250 --> 0:41:35.290
<v Speaker 1>periods where he did try. He actually just couldn't do it.

0:41:35.890 --> 0:41:38.810
<v Speaker 1>He genuinely was addicted to just going out and drinking,

0:41:38.810 --> 0:41:42.330
<v Speaker 1>and he couldn't do it. One Sunday night, he came

0:41:42.490 --> 0:41:47.250
<v Speaker 1>home again, probably four am, and in the morning he

0:41:47.730 --> 0:41:50.090
<v Speaker 1>didn't get out of bed. He had to go to work,

0:41:50.210 --> 0:41:54.970
<v Speaker 1>And at about nine AM. I woke him up and said, hey, babe,

0:41:54.970 --> 0:41:57.730
<v Speaker 1>it's nine am. I think you should be at work.

0:41:57.770 --> 0:42:00.250
<v Speaker 1>Are you going to work? Do you want me to

0:42:00.290 --> 0:42:03.370
<v Speaker 1>call them? Are you sick? And he said, NA, can't

0:42:03.370 --> 0:42:06.530
<v Speaker 1>get out of bed, not going to work. I'll text

0:42:06.570 --> 0:42:11.090
<v Speaker 1>my boss. I said, okay. Well, he didn't get out

0:42:11.130 --> 0:42:17.490
<v Speaker 1>of bed for six seven weeks. He told me, he

0:42:17.610 --> 0:42:21.970
<v Speaker 1>told everyone work, etc. That he was having a serious

0:42:22.010 --> 0:42:25.850
<v Speaker 1>bout of anxiety. He thought he was clinically depressed and

0:42:26.690 --> 0:42:29.170
<v Speaker 1>he just couldn't get out of bed. I didn't speak

0:42:29.170 --> 0:42:30.650
<v Speaker 1>to his work, but he told me his work was

0:42:30.650 --> 0:42:33.570
<v Speaker 1>supportive and they said, well, okay, that's fine, go and

0:42:33.610 --> 0:42:36.410
<v Speaker 1>get some help. And I was so pleased with that

0:42:36.570 --> 0:42:39.890
<v Speaker 1>because I'd been asking him to see someone about his

0:42:40.010 --> 0:42:44.010
<v Speaker 1>drinking problem and he did agree, and he went and

0:42:44.250 --> 0:42:50.250
<v Speaker 1>saw a counselor a handful of times, and it didn't

0:42:50.490 --> 0:42:53.650
<v Speaker 1>really improve things. It got him back to work, but

0:42:53.770 --> 0:42:57.610
<v Speaker 1>it didn't improve things. He's drinking and going out continued,

0:42:58.530 --> 0:43:02.250
<v Speaker 1>and after a handful of sessions, he came home really

0:43:02.290 --> 0:43:05.770
<v Speaker 1>angry and said, I'm never going back to that counselor.

0:43:05.930 --> 0:43:08.610
<v Speaker 1>You know, she's an idiot. She doesn't know what she's

0:43:08.650 --> 0:43:13.010
<v Speaker 1>talking about. She said, I'm an alcoholic. I don't believe her.

0:43:13.210 --> 0:43:15.970
<v Speaker 1>She's wrong, she doesn't know what she's talking about. I'm

0:43:15.970 --> 0:43:19.810
<v Speaker 1>never going back. Said, well, you know I'm here to

0:43:19.810 --> 0:43:23.850
<v Speaker 1>support you. I've stuck it out for this long. I

0:43:23.890 --> 0:43:26.730
<v Speaker 1>can help you if you want to get help, because Alex,

0:43:26.770 --> 0:43:30.850
<v Speaker 1>she's right, like, you're an alcoholic, and let's work on

0:43:30.930 --> 0:43:35.810
<v Speaker 1>this together. Now. I'm not I'm never going back. My

0:43:35.890 --> 0:43:40.010
<v Speaker 1>life's fine. I don't have a problem, and that was it.

0:43:41.410 --> 0:43:45.170
<v Speaker 2>The heavy drinking continued, the night's out continued. Now he

0:43:45.250 --> 0:43:47.730
<v Speaker 2>was even choosing to stay at his brother's new apartment

0:43:47.770 --> 0:43:50.370
<v Speaker 2>in the city because Bianker put her foot down and said,

0:43:50.410 --> 0:43:52.730
<v Speaker 2>don't come home at all if it's that late. So

0:43:52.850 --> 0:43:57.810
<v Speaker 2>he didn't, and if things could get any worse, they did.

0:43:58.250 --> 0:44:04.610
<v Speaker 1>Late twenty twenty two, I got made redundant. It'll take

0:44:04.650 --> 0:44:07.210
<v Speaker 1>me a couple of months to land the right job.

0:44:07.450 --> 0:44:10.330
<v Speaker 1>I'm actually happy to take six months off and wait

0:44:10.370 --> 0:44:13.610
<v Speaker 1>for the right job. But I've got no income for

0:44:13.650 --> 0:44:17.250
<v Speaker 1>the next six months. You need to step up, a

0:44:17.570 --> 0:44:20.210
<v Speaker 1>you need to start contributing to bills, because you're not

0:44:20.250 --> 0:44:23.530
<v Speaker 1>even paying half. I can keep paying the mortgage with

0:44:23.690 --> 0:44:26.250
<v Speaker 1>savings enough to pay six months are worth the mortgage,

0:44:26.250 --> 0:44:28.810
<v Speaker 1>But like then I have to get a job. But like,

0:44:28.850 --> 0:44:30.810
<v Speaker 1>you've got to step up, and you need to stop

0:44:30.850 --> 0:44:34.010
<v Speaker 1>spending money going out on alcohol, and like I need

0:44:34.050 --> 0:44:37.850
<v Speaker 1>you to pay for the groceries, and he didn't. In fact,

0:44:37.930 --> 0:44:41.610
<v Speaker 1>I kept paying for everything and dwindled my savings down

0:44:41.690 --> 0:44:46.130
<v Speaker 1>to practically nothing. He actually that year even had to

0:44:46.170 --> 0:44:51.010
<v Speaker 1>have an operation for something, and he said, oh, it's

0:44:51.050 --> 0:44:53.610
<v Speaker 1>not covered by medicare. I'm like, hey, we've got private

0:44:53.650 --> 0:44:56.010
<v Speaker 1>health because I pay for it. I know we do

0:44:56.530 --> 0:44:59.570
<v Speaker 1>now I've checked. It's not covered. So even though I

0:44:59.610 --> 0:45:02.330
<v Speaker 1>had no job, I paid three thousand dollars for an

0:45:02.370 --> 0:45:05.930
<v Speaker 1>operation because you needed it. Still, there was just more

0:45:06.690 --> 0:45:09.810
<v Speaker 1>money loaning me, paying for everything, just dipping into my

0:45:09.890 --> 0:45:13.050
<v Speaker 1>savings because he just kept say I'm paying my ex

0:45:13.090 --> 0:45:18.050
<v Speaker 1>wife all this money constantly, and there was valid reasons,

0:45:18.050 --> 0:45:21.450
<v Speaker 1>and I wasn't happy about it, but I didn't want

0:45:21.490 --> 0:45:24.050
<v Speaker 1>the kids to miss out on him giving the money.

0:45:24.690 --> 0:45:26.890
<v Speaker 1>So I thought, well, if I don't pay for things,

0:45:27.810 --> 0:45:29.730
<v Speaker 1>he's not going to pay for things for the kids.

0:45:29.730 --> 0:45:32.010
<v Speaker 1>And I didn't want them to be stuck in the

0:45:32.050 --> 0:45:35.610
<v Speaker 1>middle and get hurt. So I just kept paying for everything.

0:45:36.450 --> 0:45:39.330
<v Speaker 1>About the same time as all this, I got up

0:45:39.370 --> 0:45:42.450
<v Speaker 1>one day and walked to the dogs. His jacket was nearby.

0:45:42.490 --> 0:45:44.930
<v Speaker 1>I threw his jacket on, and I found a tab

0:45:45.130 --> 0:45:49.090
<v Speaker 1>ticket in his jacket. I'd never found one before. There'd

0:45:49.090 --> 0:45:50.970
<v Speaker 1>never been any signs of gambling, So I mean, whatever,

0:45:51.050 --> 0:45:54.930
<v Speaker 1>one tab ticket for fifty bucks whatever. But you know,

0:45:55.010 --> 0:45:57.530
<v Speaker 1>at the same time, I'd asked him to stop spending money.

0:45:57.690 --> 0:46:00.410
<v Speaker 1>I didn't have a job. When I got home, I

0:46:00.410 --> 0:46:03.330
<v Speaker 1>said Hey, what's this tab ticket? Like, I know it's

0:46:03.370 --> 0:46:07.170
<v Speaker 1>only fifty bucks, but are you gambling? And he went

0:46:08.410 --> 0:46:12.530
<v Speaker 1>crazy at me, how dare you? It's one ticket, it's

0:46:12.570 --> 0:46:16.650
<v Speaker 1>fifty bucks. I would never gamble. I can't believe you'd

0:46:16.690 --> 0:46:19.410
<v Speaker 1>accuse I'm like, I'm just asking I found a ticket.

0:46:20.130 --> 0:46:23.090
<v Speaker 1>He accused me of several affairs and this and that,

0:46:23.130 --> 0:46:27.090
<v Speaker 1>and just deflected the gambling question and just absolutely made

0:46:27.090 --> 0:46:31.490
<v Speaker 1>me the villain. I just thought, I cannot do this anymore.

0:46:31.810 --> 0:46:34.250
<v Speaker 1>But I thought, let's give it one honestly, one more

0:46:34.290 --> 0:46:36.690
<v Speaker 1>red hot crack. And I said to him, Okay, we

0:46:36.730 --> 0:46:39.450
<v Speaker 1>know we're not in a good place. Your going out

0:46:39.570 --> 0:46:43.010
<v Speaker 1>is out of control. You've been told you're an alcoholic.

0:46:43.930 --> 0:46:46.650
<v Speaker 1>I need you to do something about it, or I

0:46:46.690 --> 0:46:48.250
<v Speaker 1>can't put up with anymore. You're going to have to

0:46:48.290 --> 0:46:50.770
<v Speaker 1>move out. I said, let's go on a really nice

0:46:50.810 --> 0:46:54.290
<v Speaker 1>holiday together. We will use the absolute last of my

0:46:54.450 --> 0:46:58.730
<v Speaker 1>savings to go on a holiday, and then when we

0:46:58.770 --> 0:47:00.410
<v Speaker 1>get back, I'll find a good job and we'll be

0:47:00.410 --> 0:47:04.450
<v Speaker 1>good again. So reset, I spent my last like twenty

0:47:04.450 --> 0:47:08.450
<v Speaker 1>thousand dollars for us to go and do three weeks

0:47:08.570 --> 0:47:11.410
<v Speaker 1>in Cambodia. In Vietnam, and it was lovely and we

0:47:11.730 --> 0:47:15.250
<v Speaker 1>had a wonderful time. We really did reset. We had

0:47:15.250 --> 0:47:19.490
<v Speaker 1>a packed that part of resetting is maybe overshare, but

0:47:19.530 --> 0:47:21.410
<v Speaker 1>we were like, right, we have to have sex every

0:47:21.450 --> 0:47:24.250
<v Speaker 1>single day at least once, because we never had a

0:47:24.290 --> 0:47:28.370
<v Speaker 1>problem there. We did. We reseted, we bonded, we had

0:47:28.370 --> 0:47:34.250
<v Speaker 1>a beautiful time, came back and honestly, within two days

0:47:34.290 --> 0:47:38.770
<v Speaker 1>of returning, it's just like he switched. The going out

0:47:38.970 --> 0:47:41.850
<v Speaker 1>just started immediately within two days of coming home, and

0:47:41.890 --> 0:47:44.250
<v Speaker 1>it again was four or five nights a week.

0:47:45.290 --> 0:47:48.690
<v Speaker 2>Alex said he just couldn't stop. So with Bianca trying

0:47:48.730 --> 0:47:51.570
<v Speaker 2>to be supportive and understand, she got him to agree

0:47:51.570 --> 0:47:53.570
<v Speaker 2>for them both to see counselor together.

0:47:54.570 --> 0:47:57.170
<v Speaker 1>I think three sessions at a counselor, and he sat

0:47:57.210 --> 0:47:59.970
<v Speaker 1>there and professed his love and that he wanted to

0:47:59.970 --> 0:48:01.930
<v Speaker 1>make it work and I was the best thing that

0:48:02.010 --> 0:48:05.890
<v Speaker 1>had ever happened to him, and I was loving and supportive.

0:48:05.970 --> 0:48:09.370
<v Speaker 1>But he did have anxiety problems again, even in front

0:48:09.410 --> 0:48:13.330
<v Speaker 1>of the councilor. Blamed me for exacerbating them because I

0:48:13.370 --> 0:48:17.010
<v Speaker 1>didn't show enough empathy and I didn't listen to him.

0:48:17.050 --> 0:48:20.090
<v Speaker 1>And the counselor kind of quashed that, which he didn't like.

0:48:20.170 --> 0:48:22.890
<v Speaker 1>He didn't like what he was hearing from this councilor either.

0:48:23.970 --> 0:48:27.090
<v Speaker 1>Whilst there were some things he said that were frowned upon,

0:48:27.250 --> 0:48:29.570
<v Speaker 1>I think for the most part he said the right things.

0:48:29.610 --> 0:48:31.530
<v Speaker 1>You know, I want to make it work. And we

0:48:31.610 --> 0:48:34.170
<v Speaker 1>will go home and do the exercises you've given us

0:48:34.210 --> 0:48:37.130
<v Speaker 1>and talk about things we've never spoken about in detail,

0:48:37.210 --> 0:48:40.090
<v Speaker 1>and talk about horrible things that may have happened in

0:48:40.130 --> 0:48:42.970
<v Speaker 1>our lives or childhood, or wonderful things. And we did

0:48:43.010 --> 0:48:47.570
<v Speaker 1>all that, and we do it. But then on the

0:48:47.690 --> 0:48:51.570
<v Speaker 1>days we weren't focusing on it, the partying continued. We

0:48:51.650 --> 0:48:56.330
<v Speaker 1>had our six year anniversary and he surprised me with

0:48:56.610 --> 0:48:58.850
<v Speaker 1>a night in a hotel in the city and we

0:48:58.890 --> 0:49:02.090
<v Speaker 1>went to a five star restaurant. Of course, when the

0:49:02.330 --> 0:49:05.010
<v Speaker 1>time to pay for the bill, he waited for me

0:49:05.050 --> 0:49:07.890
<v Speaker 1>to get my credit card out, even though it was

0:49:08.050 --> 0:49:10.490
<v Speaker 1>his surprise. But you know, dinner was about five hundred

0:49:10.530 --> 0:49:14.130
<v Speaker 1>dollars on my credit card with no job. But anyway,

0:49:15.090 --> 0:49:20.010
<v Speaker 1>but then after dinner, we couldn't find a bar, you know,

0:49:20.050 --> 0:49:21.850
<v Speaker 1>we wanted to go for a drink, and honestly it

0:49:21.890 --> 0:49:24.090
<v Speaker 1>was cold. Anyway, we ended up just going back to

0:49:24.130 --> 0:49:26.410
<v Speaker 1>the hotel and he was really angry because we hadn't

0:49:26.410 --> 0:49:28.090
<v Speaker 1>been able to find a place to go out drinking

0:49:28.170 --> 0:49:31.930
<v Speaker 1>and anniversary night, he literally just turned his back on

0:49:31.970 --> 0:49:35.730
<v Speaker 1>me and went to sleep again. Ups and downs. Next

0:49:35.730 --> 0:49:40.810
<v Speaker 1>few months, the partying just continued, continued, continued. In May

0:49:41.210 --> 0:49:45.930
<v Speaker 1>twenty twenty three, he went out one night, texted me

0:49:46.010 --> 0:49:49.850
<v Speaker 1>at four am, I'm still out. I'm like, yeah, no kidding,

0:49:50.850 --> 0:49:53.970
<v Speaker 1>Please state your brothers. I don't want you to come home.

0:49:54.610 --> 0:49:58.250
<v Speaker 1>He came home about lunchtime the next day. I said, hey, look,

0:49:58.370 --> 0:50:02.130
<v Speaker 1>we need to talk and he went, yep, I'm moving out.

0:50:03.570 --> 0:50:06.970
<v Speaker 1>I went, okay, no, we need to talk about that.

0:50:07.250 --> 0:50:10.130
<v Speaker 1>Yes because no, no, no decisions made. I'm moving out, no

0:50:10.170 --> 0:50:15.210
<v Speaker 1>discussion required. And I'm like, hang on, We've just professed

0:50:15.250 --> 0:50:17.770
<v Speaker 1>our love in front of the counselor. We said we

0:50:17.850 --> 0:50:21.450
<v Speaker 1>want to make it work. We've had a holiday this year.

0:50:21.690 --> 0:50:24.010
<v Speaker 1>We had a wonderful type No we didn't, he says, no,

0:50:24.090 --> 0:50:26.490
<v Speaker 1>we didn't. That was the shittest holiday of my life.

0:50:26.730 --> 0:50:30.450
<v Speaker 1>I hated every moment of it, Like what really? You

0:50:30.570 --> 0:50:34.570
<v Speaker 1>posted photos of us and professed your undying love for

0:50:34.690 --> 0:50:37.810
<v Speaker 1>me every single day of our holiday on social for

0:50:37.850 --> 0:50:40.530
<v Speaker 1>the world to see as you've done for the past

0:50:40.530 --> 0:50:43.970
<v Speaker 1>six and a half years. Every weekend we've gone away,

0:50:44.210 --> 0:50:47.810
<v Speaker 1>every holiday we've had. You've been our social media editor.

0:50:48.490 --> 0:50:51.170
<v Speaker 1>You're the one that's presented to the world how I'm

0:50:51.170 --> 0:50:54.410
<v Speaker 1>the love of your life. And now you've just said

0:50:54.410 --> 0:50:57.610
<v Speaker 1>you're moving out with no discussion. And he's like, yep,

0:50:58.650 --> 0:51:00.890
<v Speaker 1>and literally didn't speak to me for the rest of

0:51:00.890 --> 0:51:04.850
<v Speaker 1>the night. I didn't hear from him for three or

0:51:04.850 --> 0:51:09.370
<v Speaker 1>four days. I drove to the local pub at four am.

0:51:09.650 --> 0:51:13.330
<v Speaker 1>His car was there. I looked in the window of

0:51:13.410 --> 0:51:17.210
<v Speaker 1>the Pokey's. He was at a Pokey's machine with about

0:51:17.210 --> 0:51:20.970
<v Speaker 1>six beers lined up by himself. It was very clear

0:51:21.010 --> 0:51:24.890
<v Speaker 1>he had moved out. I didn't hear from him. He

0:51:25.570 --> 0:51:29.170
<v Speaker 1>hadn't come home. He was gone, and I thought, you

0:51:29.210 --> 0:51:32.050
<v Speaker 1>know what, I wanted you to move out anyway. I

0:51:32.130 --> 0:51:35.530
<v Speaker 1>was no longer happy, I mean, unfortunate the way it

0:51:35.610 --> 0:51:39.410
<v Speaker 1>happened that he just made the decision without discussion, but

0:51:40.370 --> 0:51:42.170
<v Speaker 1>I was glad it had happened, and I thought, well,

0:51:42.210 --> 0:51:45.490
<v Speaker 1>you've moved out. You no longer have the right to

0:51:45.650 --> 0:51:47.810
<v Speaker 1>walk in and out of my house. So I got

0:51:47.810 --> 0:51:52.290
<v Speaker 1>the locks changed so as I was literally heading out

0:51:52.330 --> 0:51:54.050
<v Speaker 1>the door to go and stay at a girlfriend's house

0:51:54.050 --> 0:51:57.650
<v Speaker 1>for the night. He showed up and he tried to

0:51:57.690 --> 0:52:01.330
<v Speaker 1>open the door. Obviously he couldn't get in. He knocked

0:52:01.370 --> 0:52:03.530
<v Speaker 1>and I opened the door, and he's like, what's going on.

0:52:03.610 --> 0:52:06.010
<v Speaker 1>I said, well, you've moved out. I haven't heard from

0:52:06.010 --> 0:52:07.810
<v Speaker 1>you in five days. You said you were moving out,

0:52:07.810 --> 0:52:11.210
<v Speaker 1>and you've clearly moved out, so you can't come and

0:52:11.250 --> 0:52:14.810
<v Speaker 1>go as you please in my house. So I've changed locks.

0:52:14.890 --> 0:52:18.570
<v Speaker 1>I've packed all your belongings. They're all in suitcases. I

0:52:18.610 --> 0:52:20.450
<v Speaker 1>don't know why I even bothered packing them for you,

0:52:20.490 --> 0:52:23.610
<v Speaker 1>because I've paid for literally every piece of clothing in

0:52:23.650 --> 0:52:26.490
<v Speaker 1>your wardrobe that you've accumulated over the last six and

0:52:26.490 --> 0:52:28.210
<v Speaker 1>a half years. I should have kept it all, but

0:52:28.290 --> 0:52:29.730
<v Speaker 1>you know I'm a nice person, so I've packed it

0:52:29.730 --> 0:52:32.010
<v Speaker 1>all up for you. Here you go, I'll help you

0:52:32.010 --> 0:52:35.290
<v Speaker 1>put it in the car. He pushed the door open

0:52:35.850 --> 0:52:38.090
<v Speaker 1>grab you know, had his house keys in his hand,

0:52:38.170 --> 0:52:40.890
<v Speaker 1>so he threw them up my face. He pushed me

0:52:40.930 --> 0:52:43.290
<v Speaker 1>out the way and he said, well, the TV's mine.

0:52:43.530 --> 0:52:45.530
<v Speaker 1>You gave it to me as a birthday present. So

0:52:45.570 --> 0:52:48.250
<v Speaker 1>he tried to rip the TV off the wall. I

0:52:48.330 --> 0:52:51.610
<v Speaker 1>tried to stop him. He pushed me again. He didn't

0:52:51.810 --> 0:52:55.770
<v Speaker 1>continue the physical after that, but I backed away and said,

0:52:55.770 --> 0:52:58.650
<v Speaker 1>you know, get out. I think he realized he'd crossed

0:52:58.690 --> 0:53:02.170
<v Speaker 1>the line. Obviously, he had become physically violent. So he

0:53:02.250 --> 0:53:05.090
<v Speaker 1>started picking up his suitcases I'd packed and putting them

0:53:05.090 --> 0:53:07.730
<v Speaker 1>in the car. I tried to help. He did then

0:53:07.810 --> 0:53:10.530
<v Speaker 1>push me again, don't you dare touch my things? And

0:53:10.610 --> 0:53:13.210
<v Speaker 1>so I just backed away and just sat in the

0:53:13.250 --> 0:53:15.050
<v Speaker 1>lounge room and let him put his things in the car.

0:53:15.530 --> 0:53:17.930
<v Speaker 1>He came back screaming, where am I going to live? Said,

0:53:17.970 --> 0:53:19.290
<v Speaker 1>I don't know where have you been living for the

0:53:19.410 --> 0:53:22.810
<v Speaker 1>last five days? Go live there. Over the years, I

0:53:22.930 --> 0:53:26.970
<v Speaker 1>just fell less and less in love with him. His

0:53:27.050 --> 0:53:30.970
<v Speaker 1>relationship with his children deteriorated. He said he loved his children,

0:53:31.010 --> 0:53:33.930
<v Speaker 1>but I never knew why he wouldn't fight for his

0:53:34.050 --> 0:53:37.610
<v Speaker 1>children when his ex wife was sort of reducing his

0:53:37.770 --> 0:53:41.690
<v Speaker 1>access to them. I thought, you are just not the

0:53:41.730 --> 0:53:44.090
<v Speaker 1>man I thought you were, the man I fell in

0:53:44.090 --> 0:53:46.090
<v Speaker 1>love with. He was not that man. He was a

0:53:46.170 --> 0:53:50.810
<v Speaker 1>completely different person. So I felt really mixed emotions. A

0:53:51.410 --> 0:53:53.850
<v Speaker 1>I had wanted him to move out. I had threatened

0:53:53.890 --> 0:53:56.890
<v Speaker 1>it many times, and I meant it, but at the

0:53:56.930 --> 0:54:00.130
<v Speaker 1>same time. I mean they were kind of empty threats.

0:54:00.250 --> 0:54:03.690
<v Speaker 1>They were threats of saying, sort yourself out or move out,

0:54:03.770 --> 0:54:07.210
<v Speaker 1>And deep down I hoped he'd sort himself out and

0:54:07.290 --> 0:54:10.010
<v Speaker 1>get back to the person that I'd met, and that

0:54:10.090 --> 0:54:12.570
<v Speaker 1>we would have a fresh start. So I think a

0:54:12.570 --> 0:54:14.130
<v Speaker 1>little bit in me was still in love with the

0:54:14.170 --> 0:54:16.970
<v Speaker 1>person i'd met, but I certainly wasn't in love with

0:54:17.010 --> 0:54:20.810
<v Speaker 1>this person. I was angry at myself. I hadn't been

0:54:20.850 --> 0:54:24.770
<v Speaker 1>brave enough to pull that cord a long time ago.

0:54:24.890 --> 0:54:29.330
<v Speaker 1>I was angry he made the decision without discussion. I

0:54:29.410 --> 0:54:33.570
<v Speaker 1>was angry we'd been to counseling and he'd lied. I

0:54:33.690 --> 0:54:38.730
<v Speaker 1>was also just so devastated. He was silent for a

0:54:38.770 --> 0:54:41.690
<v Speaker 1>couple of weeks, and then a couple of weeks later

0:54:42.450 --> 0:54:46.090
<v Speaker 1>he contacted me and said, I've made a mistake. I've

0:54:46.130 --> 0:54:48.530
<v Speaker 1>been living on my brother's couch and also a friend

0:54:48.570 --> 0:54:50.970
<v Speaker 1>from work's couch, and all my clothes are in my car,

0:54:51.090 --> 0:54:53.450
<v Speaker 1>and I've had time to think, and I've made a mistake,

0:54:53.530 --> 0:54:56.290
<v Speaker 1>and I don't think I'm ready to move back in.

0:54:56.370 --> 0:54:59.370
<v Speaker 1>But let's talk about it, and can we at least

0:54:59.450 --> 0:55:01.330
<v Speaker 1>go for a coffee and walk the dog? And I

0:55:01.490 --> 0:55:03.850
<v Speaker 1>missed the dog, and so we did and we went

0:55:03.890 --> 0:55:06.090
<v Speaker 1>for a coffee and a brunch and we walked the

0:55:06.170 --> 0:55:09.010
<v Speaker 1>dog and we talked about things and it was lovely,

0:55:09.010 --> 0:55:12.170
<v Speaker 1>and we kissed and we held hands for the whole time,

0:55:12.250 --> 0:55:14.850
<v Speaker 1>and it was lovely. And he was like, I think

0:55:14.890 --> 0:55:17.970
<v Speaker 1>I've made a mistake, but I just need time to

0:55:18.010 --> 0:55:20.130
<v Speaker 1>clear my head. I need to see if I can

0:55:20.170 --> 0:55:23.770
<v Speaker 1>sort myself out. I sort of gave him his space.

0:55:24.570 --> 0:55:27.770
<v Speaker 1>A couple of weeks later, he said, let's go out

0:55:27.770 --> 0:55:31.490
<v Speaker 1>for dinner, and we did. We went out for a

0:55:31.610 --> 0:55:34.050
<v Speaker 1>romantic dinner and had a bottle of wine and he

0:55:34.090 --> 0:55:38.730
<v Speaker 1>didn't overdrink and he actually paid for dinner, which was,

0:55:38.930 --> 0:55:41.850
<v Speaker 1>you know, a first, and we had a lovely time.

0:55:41.930 --> 0:55:44.770
<v Speaker 1>And it was a bit awkward because I didn't really

0:55:44.770 --> 0:55:46.930
<v Speaker 1>even know what to talk about. But he let me

0:55:46.970 --> 0:55:50.410
<v Speaker 1>know he'd finally decided to leave his job. He realized

0:55:50.410 --> 0:55:53.010
<v Speaker 1>that that was part of his causing him to be

0:55:53.090 --> 0:55:56.090
<v Speaker 1>anxious and to drink and was stressing him out, and

0:55:56.130 --> 0:55:58.930
<v Speaker 1>he said he'd applied for another job. He explained that

0:55:59.010 --> 0:56:02.330
<v Speaker 1>it was actually quite a significant emotion and a pay cut,

0:56:02.370 --> 0:56:06.770
<v Speaker 1>which I found really odd. I didn't understand it but

0:56:06.810 --> 0:56:08.930
<v Speaker 1>he said, look, I just need to move on. My

0:56:08.970 --> 0:56:11.330
<v Speaker 1>workplace is just no longer good for my mental health.

0:56:11.650 --> 0:56:15.370
<v Speaker 1>Willing to take a demotion, It's okay, good on you. Yeah,

0:56:15.410 --> 0:56:17.770
<v Speaker 1>And then I literally didn't hear from him for weeks,

0:56:18.370 --> 0:56:21.330
<v Speaker 1>weeks and weeks and weeks. Yet I'd see photos on

0:56:21.410 --> 0:56:24.130
<v Speaker 1>social media if him out drinking with his brother constantly,

0:56:24.170 --> 0:56:27.130
<v Speaker 1>in Sydney, in Adelaide, in Melbourne, all over the place.

0:56:27.650 --> 0:56:31.010
<v Speaker 2>That was it. Bianca was officially done. She was worried

0:56:31.010 --> 0:56:33.810
<v Speaker 2>about him, but she couldn't let him be her problem anymore.

0:56:34.370 --> 0:56:35.650
<v Speaker 2>She'd given too much.

0:56:36.250 --> 0:56:38.890
<v Speaker 1>A few weeks later, I got a text from him, know,

0:56:39.810 --> 0:56:43.010
<v Speaker 1>how are you? Can we see you again? Or just

0:56:43.050 --> 0:56:46.890
<v Speaker 1>a can I see the dog? And I was like, okay,

0:56:47.090 --> 0:56:50.050
<v Speaker 1>I guess that's your way of saying nail in the coffin?

0:56:50.610 --> 0:56:54.890
<v Speaker 1>And I said, no, you can't. The dog's mine. You

0:56:54.970 --> 0:56:59.930
<v Speaker 1>can't see her now or ever again. So he replies, fine,

0:57:00.490 --> 0:57:04.730
<v Speaker 1>where's my money? I said, I what money? You owe

0:57:04.770 --> 0:57:07.130
<v Speaker 1>me half of everything that's been paid off the mortgage

0:57:08.250 --> 0:57:12.290
<v Speaker 1>And we had this text battle. I said, no, please

0:57:12.370 --> 0:57:15.650
<v Speaker 1>check our prenup. I only owe you half if you contributed.

0:57:16.450 --> 0:57:19.730
<v Speaker 1>You didn't. I've got all the mortgage statements, I've got

0:57:19.770 --> 0:57:23.610
<v Speaker 1>all the bank statements. You're not owed anything. And in fact,

0:57:24.410 --> 0:57:27.610
<v Speaker 1>I've loaned you tens of thousands of dollars and I've

0:57:27.690 --> 0:57:31.250
<v Speaker 1>paid for everything. You probably owe me a lot of money.

0:57:31.290 --> 0:57:34.290
<v Speaker 1>I wouldn't ask we're done, just walk away. You don't

0:57:34.290 --> 0:57:36.970
<v Speaker 1>even have to pay me back. Just walk away, and

0:57:37.050 --> 0:57:42.370
<v Speaker 1>he wouldn't. And then he sent me a foul email,

0:57:42.570 --> 0:57:46.850
<v Speaker 1>firstly accusing me of cheating again, and I want my money,

0:57:46.930 --> 0:57:50.130
<v Speaker 1>I demand this much, excell And I just thought, I

0:57:50.170 --> 0:57:53.050
<v Speaker 1>want none of this. And I just forwarded it to

0:57:53.770 --> 0:57:56.010
<v Speaker 1>the lawyer that had actually written the prenup in the

0:57:56.010 --> 0:57:58.970
<v Speaker 1>first place, and I said, I'm engaging your services. I'm

0:57:58.970 --> 0:58:01.530
<v Speaker 1>not even responding. I don't want to deal with this.

0:58:02.370 --> 0:58:04.650
<v Speaker 1>I was just furious at this point, and I thought,

0:58:04.930 --> 0:58:10.130
<v Speaker 1>are you kidding? We both know, as does everyone quite frankly,

0:58:11.090 --> 0:58:16.090
<v Speaker 1>I pay for everything. You contribute practically nothing, not even

0:58:16.130 --> 0:58:19.530
<v Speaker 1>half of the bills. Like why would you do this

0:58:19.650 --> 0:58:23.330
<v Speaker 1>to me after everything I've done for you? Like why

0:58:23.490 --> 0:58:27.490
<v Speaker 1>turn nasty? Just end it, just walk away. I was hurt,

0:58:27.570 --> 0:58:29.530
<v Speaker 1>but I was more angry, like why would you do

0:58:29.650 --> 0:58:33.810
<v Speaker 1>this to me? I've been nothing but kind, generous, thoughtful.

0:58:33.810 --> 0:58:37.410
<v Speaker 1>I've been wonderful to your children. I've given you a home,

0:58:38.410 --> 0:58:41.170
<v Speaker 1>you've moved out. I've let you take half my stuff.

0:58:41.330 --> 0:58:44.610
<v Speaker 1>I've let you moved out with support. Now you want

0:58:44.610 --> 0:58:47.930
<v Speaker 1>my money. So I just engage a lawyer and let

0:58:47.930 --> 0:58:52.050
<v Speaker 1>them deal with it, and backwards and forwards between the lawyers.

0:58:52.210 --> 0:58:55.330
<v Speaker 1>Over the next three to four weeks, quite a lot

0:58:55.330 --> 0:59:01.770
<v Speaker 1>more came out in him trying to claim money. His

0:59:01.930 --> 0:59:06.890
<v Speaker 1>lawyer provided his bank statements for the last five years

0:59:07.130 --> 0:59:10.210
<v Speaker 1>that we've been living in my house, and he did

0:59:10.210 --> 0:59:13.370
<v Speaker 1>that to demonstrate that Alex had been putting some money

0:59:13.370 --> 0:59:17.050
<v Speaker 1>in my account. But what also came out in those

0:59:17.490 --> 0:59:23.370
<v Speaker 1>bank statements was the lawyer didn't redact anything. I now

0:59:23.490 --> 0:59:27.770
<v Speaker 1>had every single transaction he'd made for five years, and

0:59:27.850 --> 0:59:31.090
<v Speaker 1>what I found was a quarter of a million dollars

0:59:31.130 --> 0:59:38.850
<v Speaker 1>of gambling. I thought he had anxiety. He didn't. That

0:59:39.050 --> 0:59:42.250
<v Speaker 1>was the result of a big gambling loss. The night

0:59:42.330 --> 0:59:47.050
<v Speaker 1>before when he took seven weeks off work. It correlated

0:59:47.410 --> 0:59:51.570
<v Speaker 1>with a big gambling loss. The nights when I thought

0:59:51.610 --> 0:59:55.290
<v Speaker 1>he was drinking would correlate to one thousand dollars in

0:59:55.330 --> 0:59:59.930
<v Speaker 1>a pokey machine. The nights when he was staying at

0:59:59.930 --> 1:00:03.770
<v Speaker 1>his brother's house in the city correlated to three thousand

1:00:03.850 --> 1:00:08.290
<v Speaker 1>dollars at Crown Casino, and so a quarter of a

1:00:08.330 --> 1:00:12.570
<v Speaker 1>million dollars gone. And it was a my money, but

1:00:12.730 --> 1:00:18.210
<v Speaker 1>you know what it was because I'd paid for everything,

1:00:19.090 --> 1:00:21.850
<v Speaker 1>because he said his money was going to his kids,

1:00:21.970 --> 1:00:25.730
<v Speaker 1>and it wasn't going to his kids. During COVID when

1:00:25.770 --> 1:00:29.410
<v Speaker 1>he wasn't able to go to the Pokeyes, there was

1:00:29.530 --> 1:00:32.890
<v Speaker 1>usually three to four hundred dollars a day of betting

1:00:33.010 --> 1:00:36.610
<v Speaker 1>on online betting sites. So when I thought we were

1:00:36.770 --> 1:00:41.930
<v Speaker 1>enjoying time together in lockdown, watching Netflix, bonding on the

1:00:41.930 --> 1:00:44.770
<v Speaker 1>couch and of course chatting to friends on text and

1:00:44.850 --> 1:00:49.130
<v Speaker 1>social media and WhatsApp, I was doing that, he was

1:00:49.170 --> 1:00:54.090
<v Speaker 1>sitting next to me gambling, throwing hundreds of dollars away

1:00:54.170 --> 1:00:58.770
<v Speaker 1>on online betting sites, all the meanwhile asking me for money.

1:01:00.330 --> 1:01:02.610
<v Speaker 1>The loans that he said he was paying off the

1:01:02.730 --> 1:01:09.170
<v Speaker 1>debts from his ex wife didn't exist. There was no debts,

1:01:09.410 --> 1:01:14.210
<v Speaker 1>there was no loans, There was just gambling. The school

1:01:14.210 --> 1:01:19.130
<v Speaker 1>fees didn't exist, The payments to his ex wife didn't exist.

1:01:19.730 --> 1:01:24.450
<v Speaker 1>What did exist was the inheritance. He was gambled away.

1:01:24.490 --> 1:01:29.370
<v Speaker 1>Within a couple of months it was horrendous to sit

1:01:29.450 --> 1:01:34.010
<v Speaker 1>there and discover I knew he was an alcoholic. I

1:01:34.050 --> 1:01:38.770
<v Speaker 1>did not know, And in hindsight, I know I should

1:01:38.810 --> 1:01:41.890
<v Speaker 1>have known that if you're staying at a local pub

1:01:41.930 --> 1:01:44.650
<v Speaker 1>to four am, the only part of the pub that's

1:01:44.730 --> 1:01:48.730
<v Speaker 1>open is the pokies. And I just didn't connect. I

1:01:48.930 --> 1:01:51.450
<v Speaker 1>just thought he was drinking beers with his brother, but

1:01:52.330 --> 1:01:56.610
<v Speaker 1>the two of them were just gambling. And this is

1:01:56.610 --> 1:01:59.490
<v Speaker 1>why his brother couldn't hold down a job. This is

1:01:59.530 --> 1:02:02.130
<v Speaker 1>why his brother was being kicked out of houses and

1:02:02.210 --> 1:02:06.850
<v Speaker 1>living on couches, and this is why Alex never had money,

1:02:06.930 --> 1:02:14.410
<v Speaker 1>because he's a serious gambling at it. At that point,

1:02:15.170 --> 1:02:20.770
<v Speaker 1>I realized, Wow, everything he said about his ex wife

1:02:20.810 --> 1:02:23.650
<v Speaker 1>is probably not true. I knew she didn't leave him

1:02:23.650 --> 1:02:26.770
<v Speaker 1>in debt. I wondered if everything he had said about

1:02:26.810 --> 1:02:30.490
<v Speaker 1>her was untrue. So I rang her. Obviously I had

1:02:30.490 --> 1:02:32.890
<v Speaker 1>her number as the mother of the children, and I

1:02:32.970 --> 1:02:34.890
<v Speaker 1>rang her and I said, you know, hey, it's Bianca,

1:02:35.010 --> 1:02:37.850
<v Speaker 1>and you would have heard that Alex and I have

1:02:38.130 --> 1:02:41.210
<v Speaker 1>broken up, she said, Yet I said, look, I don't

1:02:41.250 --> 1:02:46.730
<v Speaker 1>want anything from you, and I'm ringing to sincerely apologize

1:02:47.330 --> 1:02:51.410
<v Speaker 1>for having been really unpleasant to you. For all these years.

1:02:53.250 --> 1:02:56.530
<v Speaker 1>Alex had said a lot of things to me about you,

1:02:57.010 --> 1:03:00.170
<v Speaker 1>and that you cheated on him and you left him

1:03:00.170 --> 1:03:02.810
<v Speaker 1>in all this debt and all of the things about

1:03:02.850 --> 1:03:06.290
<v Speaker 1>non access to the children. And she was so lovely.

1:03:06.330 --> 1:03:10.210
<v Speaker 1>She said, do you know what I completely understand. I

1:03:10.290 --> 1:03:12.090
<v Speaker 1>knew he would have been lying to you, and I

1:03:12.170 --> 1:03:16.490
<v Speaker 1>knew that's why you essentially didn't like me. I could

1:03:16.530 --> 1:03:20.450
<v Speaker 1>never tell you the truth because a I was scared

1:03:20.490 --> 1:03:22.490
<v Speaker 1>if I told you the truth, he would come after

1:03:22.530 --> 1:03:26.770
<v Speaker 1>me and the children. I think he's really dangerous. And

1:03:27.050 --> 1:03:29.650
<v Speaker 1>she said, I also didn't tell you because you wouldn't

1:03:29.650 --> 1:03:32.250
<v Speaker 1>believe me if I told you the truth. And I said, well,

1:03:32.290 --> 1:03:35.810
<v Speaker 1>you're right, but I'll believe you. Now. What's the truth?

1:03:36.170 --> 1:03:40.130
<v Speaker 1>And she said, the truth is I didn't cheat. He

1:03:40.210 --> 1:03:44.450
<v Speaker 1>did more than once. The truth is I didn't kick

1:03:44.530 --> 1:03:48.050
<v Speaker 1>him out with no money. He stole all the money

1:03:48.090 --> 1:03:51.450
<v Speaker 1>we had saved from my business. He gambled it all away.

1:03:51.890 --> 1:03:54.330
<v Speaker 1>He left me broke and with nothing, and I had

1:03:54.370 --> 1:03:57.010
<v Speaker 1>to borrow money for baby formula. He left me with

1:03:57.370 --> 1:04:03.090
<v Speaker 1>two toddlers and a baby, broke. And she said, he's

1:04:03.130 --> 1:04:06.530
<v Speaker 1>been gambling for years, Bianca. He did it to the

1:04:06.570 --> 1:04:09.930
<v Speaker 1>girlfriend before me. I found out later. She's like, you're

1:04:09.930 --> 1:04:14.250
<v Speaker 1>not his first victor, you're his third, if not more.

1:04:14.890 --> 1:04:18.250
<v Speaker 1>He's been a gambling addict since he was about seventeen.

1:04:18.890 --> 1:04:22.490
<v Speaker 1>He's just learned to hide it and manipulate it, and

1:04:22.570 --> 1:04:27.970
<v Speaker 1>he just uses women for money and has learned to

1:04:28.090 --> 1:04:32.090
<v Speaker 1>charm them and find the right buttons for them to

1:04:32.210 --> 1:04:35.210
<v Speaker 1>fall in love with him until he gets what he wants.

1:04:35.570 --> 1:04:37.370
<v Speaker 1>She said, don't worry, he's going to do it to

1:04:37.410 --> 1:04:39.890
<v Speaker 1>the next one. And I said, well, hopefully no one

1:04:39.930 --> 1:04:44.010
<v Speaker 1>else will fall for it. And she said he's already

1:04:44.010 --> 1:04:48.490
<v Speaker 1>got a next one. What And she said, oh. He

1:04:48.610 --> 1:04:52.010
<v Speaker 1>started bringing his new girlfriend to the kids' sports activities

1:04:52.050 --> 1:04:58.890
<v Speaker 1>in June. The finances and the gambling, etc. Made me angry,

1:04:58.970 --> 1:05:02.730
<v Speaker 1>But then to find out he'd moved on, Well, essentially

1:05:02.810 --> 1:05:06.530
<v Speaker 1>had been cheating because I thought we were still dating.

1:05:06.650 --> 1:05:09.690
<v Speaker 1>I thought we were trying to make it work, when

1:05:09.730 --> 1:05:13.130
<v Speaker 1>in fact he wasn't. He was trying to keep me

1:05:13.250 --> 1:05:18.210
<v Speaker 1>sweet to get money. He actually had another girlfriend. I

1:05:18.290 --> 1:05:20.650
<v Speaker 1>kept going through his bank statements. I'd found the quarter

1:05:20.690 --> 1:05:22.810
<v Speaker 1>of a million gambling, but I guess that's all I'd

1:05:22.850 --> 1:05:25.930
<v Speaker 1>really been looking for, So I went back through his

1:05:26.010 --> 1:05:32.450
<v Speaker 1>bank statements. Yeah, he'd been cheating, and not only cheating

1:05:32.770 --> 1:05:38.090
<v Speaker 1>physically and emotionally, but he'd been giving her money. So

1:05:38.290 --> 1:05:41.770
<v Speaker 1>I'd been paying for everything. I was out of a job,

1:05:42.410 --> 1:05:45.610
<v Speaker 1>I was funding our holidays where we were still having

1:05:45.650 --> 1:05:49.970
<v Speaker 1>sex daily, and he'd been sleeping with her on nights.

1:05:49.970 --> 1:05:53.010
<v Speaker 1>He said he was at his brother's and he'd been

1:05:53.050 --> 1:05:58.570
<v Speaker 1>giving her money. On our anniversary weekend, he transferred seven

1:05:58.650 --> 1:06:05.530
<v Speaker 1>hundred dollars to her with the message just cause Valentine's Day.

1:06:06.010 --> 1:06:09.450
<v Speaker 1>I think I got flowers and she got like one

1:06:09.530 --> 1:06:14.570
<v Speaker 1>thousand dollars. And then and I found these bank transfers.

1:06:14.650 --> 1:06:17.010
<v Speaker 1>I started putting two and two together, like when it

1:06:17.050 --> 1:06:20.330
<v Speaker 1>He started staying at his brothers and I scrolled through

1:06:20.370 --> 1:06:24.090
<v Speaker 1>social media, and whilst they hadn't tagged each other, I

1:06:24.170 --> 1:06:27.810
<v Speaker 1>worked out that there were functions that they were at together.

1:06:28.090 --> 1:06:31.490
<v Speaker 1>So I pieced it together and he started cheating. When

1:06:31.530 --> 1:06:35.450
<v Speaker 1>I lost my job, I was no longer useful to him.

1:06:35.970 --> 1:06:39.450
<v Speaker 1>He moved on and found his next victim. So I

1:06:39.490 --> 1:06:43.610
<v Speaker 1>had to go to the doctor, get tests, etc. Everything

1:06:43.650 --> 1:06:47.130
<v Speaker 1>was all clear, thankfully, but emotionally at this point to

1:06:47.210 --> 1:06:51.810
<v Speaker 1>find out I had just been used for money and

1:06:51.970 --> 1:06:55.370
<v Speaker 1>had been cheated on and lied to and manipulated and

1:06:55.490 --> 1:06:59.810
<v Speaker 1>gas lighted and accused of cheating when the opposite was happening,

1:07:00.010 --> 1:07:03.290
<v Speaker 1>and put up with being ignored in my own home

1:07:03.370 --> 1:07:07.690
<v Speaker 1>for days, and treading on eggshells for days, wondering if

1:07:07.690 --> 1:07:09.570
<v Speaker 1>he'd be in a good mood or a bad mood,

1:07:09.650 --> 1:07:13.970
<v Speaker 1>and just to have been through so that it wasn't

1:07:14.490 --> 1:07:16.850
<v Speaker 1>that he left because I didn't love him. It was

1:07:17.650 --> 1:07:22.210
<v Speaker 1>recognizing I'd just been played a fool for over six

1:07:22.330 --> 1:07:25.090
<v Speaker 1>years of someone who just wanted money. I just broke

1:07:25.170 --> 1:07:27.570
<v Speaker 1>down at the doctors. You know, I was there for

1:07:27.610 --> 1:07:31.410
<v Speaker 1>physical tests, but they ended up referring me to a

1:07:31.490 --> 1:07:36.770
<v Speaker 1>trauma counselor. I got diagnosed with depression, like basically post

1:07:36.770 --> 1:07:40.690
<v Speaker 1>traumatic stress. I had to see a councilor quite a

1:07:40.770 --> 1:07:44.890
<v Speaker 1>number of times. I got put on antidepressants. All the while,

1:07:45.210 --> 1:07:48.730
<v Speaker 1>the lawyers are still battling things out, and he's still

1:07:49.010 --> 1:07:52.930
<v Speaker 1>trying to get money. My lawyer was also looking through

1:07:53.450 --> 1:07:56.890
<v Speaker 1>his bank statements and found things that I hadn't found.

1:07:56.930 --> 1:07:59.970
<v Speaker 1>And my lawyer and I got together and found that

1:08:00.250 --> 1:08:05.050
<v Speaker 1>not only was he gambling, drinking, giving money to a girlfriend, etc.

1:08:06.090 --> 1:08:09.010
<v Speaker 1>Blew his inheritance, blew a lot of money of mine,

1:08:09.770 --> 1:08:12.850
<v Speaker 1>borrowed money off me, all evident in the bank statements.

1:08:13.570 --> 1:08:17.930
<v Speaker 1>Not only that, but he was getting cash deposits of

1:08:18.090 --> 1:08:22.570
<v Speaker 1>up to ten thousand dollars a month at a time

1:08:23.130 --> 1:08:26.530
<v Speaker 1>prior to telling me he was leaving his job, which

1:08:26.570 --> 1:08:31.010
<v Speaker 1>now makes sense. He was had a very senior role

1:08:31.210 --> 1:08:37.570
<v Speaker 1>at a commercial sort of kitchen equipment company. And what

1:08:38.290 --> 1:08:43.930
<v Speaker 1>we pieced together is that he had been stealing equipment

1:08:44.650 --> 1:08:49.370
<v Speaker 1>twenty thirty thousand dollar equipment from his work. They wouldn't notice.

1:08:49.370 --> 1:08:52.050
<v Speaker 1>They sell millions and millions of dollars a month, so

1:08:52.090 --> 1:08:54.490
<v Speaker 1>they wouldn't notice a thirty thousand dollar piece of equipment

1:08:54.530 --> 1:08:57.330
<v Speaker 1>missing from the warehouse. And he managed the infantry in

1:08:57.370 --> 1:09:01.410
<v Speaker 1>the stock take. He was stealing from his work and

1:09:01.530 --> 1:09:05.410
<v Speaker 1>selling for cash. He was getting up to ten thousand

1:09:05.450 --> 1:09:10.690
<v Speaker 1>dollars a month cash, basically trading in stolen goods. February

1:09:11.130 --> 1:09:14.250
<v Speaker 1>twenty two four, just this year, it all came to

1:09:14.330 --> 1:09:18.450
<v Speaker 1>a head with the lawyers. He wouldn't walk away. We

1:09:18.610 --> 1:09:24.810
<v Speaker 1>ended up in a barrister session in separate rooms. I

1:09:24.890 --> 1:09:29.650
<v Speaker 1>had to have a security guard because over the last

1:09:29.730 --> 1:09:33.730
<v Speaker 1>few months, both myself and my neighbors had had to

1:09:33.770 --> 1:09:38.130
<v Speaker 1>make several reports to the police of my house being stalked.

1:09:38.930 --> 1:09:42.130
<v Speaker 1>So there'd been a number of instances where I guess

1:09:42.290 --> 1:09:47.330
<v Speaker 1>unknown weird cars with unknown men were either in my

1:09:47.450 --> 1:09:51.010
<v Speaker 1>driveway or parked out the front of my house taking photos.

1:09:51.930 --> 1:09:55.090
<v Speaker 1>So I was at the point where I was a

1:09:55.130 --> 1:09:59.290
<v Speaker 1>bit scared. He wasn't owed money, that was legally clear,

1:10:00.370 --> 1:10:02.450
<v Speaker 1>but I knew if I just didn't settle, I was

1:10:02.490 --> 1:10:06.610
<v Speaker 1>in danger. So we went to a barrister session in

1:10:06.730 --> 1:10:10.090
<v Speaker 1>separate rooms. I had someone there looking after me. He

1:10:10.210 --> 1:10:12.410
<v Speaker 1>wasn't allowed to leave the room that he was in

1:10:13.010 --> 1:10:16.610
<v Speaker 1>so that we didn't cross paths. The barrister recognized that

1:10:16.690 --> 1:10:20.290
<v Speaker 1>I was afraid. The barrister, I guess as they do,

1:10:20.450 --> 1:10:23.970
<v Speaker 1>sort of moved in between the two rooms and facilitated.

1:10:23.970 --> 1:10:27.650
<v Speaker 1>We both had lawyers there. The barrister was a female

1:10:27.650 --> 1:10:31.410
<v Speaker 1>and essentially came back into my room after at least

1:10:31.450 --> 1:10:33.370
<v Speaker 1>an hour with him and I'd been sitting there, and

1:10:33.410 --> 1:10:39.250
<v Speaker 1>she said, Bianca, legally he's owed nothing. It's clear as day.

1:10:39.410 --> 1:10:43.930
<v Speaker 1>You have a prenup. The bank statements verify that he's

1:10:43.930 --> 1:10:47.450
<v Speaker 1>owed nothing, but he's had to declare, as had I

1:10:48.490 --> 1:10:52.850
<v Speaker 1>your financial positions as of today, which by this point

1:10:52.890 --> 1:10:56.130
<v Speaker 1>was nine or ten months since we'd split up. But

1:10:56.250 --> 1:10:59.690
<v Speaker 1>in that same nine months he had accrued over one

1:10:59.770 --> 1:11:04.090
<v Speaker 1>hundred thousand dollars of debt, so he had obviously gone

1:11:04.130 --> 1:11:09.130
<v Speaker 1>and gotten personal loans or whatever to fund his gambling addiction.

1:11:10.010 --> 1:11:15.090
<v Speaker 1>And the barrister said to me, he literally has nothing

1:11:15.250 --> 1:11:21.290
<v Speaker 1>to lose. He is unofficially bankrupt. He's in a six

1:11:21.370 --> 1:11:26.610
<v Speaker 1>figure debt. He owns nothing, he doesn't even own a car.

1:11:27.690 --> 1:11:31.090
<v Speaker 1>He has a lawyer that you don't pay up front,

1:11:31.170 --> 1:11:34.770
<v Speaker 1>so he now has legal bills. He will not walk

1:11:34.810 --> 1:11:41.210
<v Speaker 1>away unless you pay. And I've just spent over an

1:11:41.210 --> 1:11:45.730
<v Speaker 1>hour with him. He is unstable. He will go to

1:11:45.930 --> 1:11:50.890
<v Speaker 1>any length to get money. I think, for the sake

1:11:50.970 --> 1:11:54.410
<v Speaker 1>of what is in ten years time you look back

1:11:54.410 --> 1:11:56.690
<v Speaker 1>at not a great deal of money to you. Forego

1:11:56.770 --> 1:12:01.330
<v Speaker 1>your principles, forego the prenup. Pay him out, because I

1:12:01.410 --> 1:12:05.090
<v Speaker 1>actually think if you don't, you are in physical danger.

1:12:05.850 --> 1:12:10.850
<v Speaker 1>And I went. It pains me, it angers me. It's unfair,

1:12:11.050 --> 1:12:15.570
<v Speaker 1>it's un just, it's not right. Fine, I will just

1:12:15.730 --> 1:12:23.690
<v Speaker 1>pay him to go away, and I did. He was

1:12:23.770 --> 1:12:28.170
<v Speaker 1>now spending up to twenty thousand dollars a month gambling,

1:12:29.170 --> 1:12:31.930
<v Speaker 1>so his life I mean, if it could get any worse,

1:12:31.970 --> 1:12:36.250
<v Speaker 1>it had spiraled. It taken a lesser job with lesser money.

1:12:37.290 --> 1:12:39.850
<v Speaker 1>He was presenting to the world like he was happy

1:12:39.850 --> 1:12:41.650
<v Speaker 1>to be without me, and he was partying and life

1:12:41.690 --> 1:12:44.010
<v Speaker 1>was great with his new girlfriend. But the reality is

1:12:44.050 --> 1:12:48.330
<v Speaker 1>it's not. It's terrible. He's just actually spiraled and he's

1:12:48.370 --> 1:12:54.010
<v Speaker 1>a loser. Even the counselor that had met him said, wow,

1:12:54.410 --> 1:12:58.210
<v Speaker 1>now that you've explained all of this, I have really

1:12:58.290 --> 1:13:02.890
<v Speaker 1>a professional opinion. I was like, okay, what And she said,

1:13:03.890 --> 1:13:11.010
<v Speaker 1>his textbook sociopath, he had a terrible childhood. According to him,

1:13:11.050 --> 1:13:13.930
<v Speaker 1>he was abuse. She said, what that can lead to,

1:13:14.170 --> 1:13:16.810
<v Speaker 1>and it sounds like it has leaded to is an

1:13:16.850 --> 1:13:23.370
<v Speaker 1>adult that has no morals often turns to crime. Sociopaths

1:13:23.850 --> 1:13:29.690
<v Speaker 1>very regularly turn to addiction, whether it be drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, whatever.

1:13:30.410 --> 1:13:33.850
<v Speaker 1>And she said, they actually just yet have no moral code.

1:13:33.970 --> 1:13:38.530
<v Speaker 1>They lie, manipulate, use people to get whatever they want,

1:13:39.210 --> 1:13:41.490
<v Speaker 1>and then once they can't get what they want anymore,

1:13:42.250 --> 1:13:48.250
<v Speaker 1>they discard them. And she said, sociopaths genuinely don't feel love.

1:13:48.970 --> 1:13:53.090
<v Speaker 1>They learn to mimic people, They learn to work out

1:13:53.210 --> 1:13:57.770
<v Speaker 1>how to give people what they need and everyone will

1:13:57.810 --> 1:14:01.970
<v Speaker 1>think they are kind and charming, but actually they feel

1:14:01.970 --> 1:14:08.410
<v Speaker 1>nothing about anyone, and that's pretty much where we're at.

1:14:09.090 --> 1:14:15.370
<v Speaker 1>I feel like it actually just gives me validation that

1:14:16.250 --> 1:14:20.170
<v Speaker 1>this was never me, and I look back and think,

1:14:21.650 --> 1:14:24.490
<v Speaker 1>we're they're red flags, and you know what, in hindsight,

1:14:24.530 --> 1:14:27.130
<v Speaker 1>there's always red flags. And as I talk to you

1:14:27.170 --> 1:14:30.930
<v Speaker 1>today and read out these stories of him ghosting me

1:14:31.010 --> 1:14:34.610
<v Speaker 1>and abusing me and accusing me of cheating and disrespecting me,

1:14:35.330 --> 1:14:37.410
<v Speaker 1>they should have been red flags at the time. Maybe,

1:14:37.450 --> 1:14:40.850
<v Speaker 1>But honestly, I look back and I think, well, now

1:14:40.890 --> 1:14:46.570
<v Speaker 1>that it's clear he is legitimately a sociopath, he was

1:14:46.850 --> 1:14:51.930
<v Speaker 1>so clever at being charming and giving me what I

1:14:52.010 --> 1:14:56.730
<v Speaker 1>needed when I needed it, and so manipulative that he'd

1:14:56.850 --> 1:15:01.130
<v Speaker 1>just become really good at hiding the red flags. And

1:15:01.210 --> 1:15:04.290
<v Speaker 1>in reality, I wasn't the first person he did this too,

1:15:04.370 --> 1:15:10.490
<v Speaker 1>so he's had now thirty years to practice hiding the

1:15:10.530 --> 1:15:13.570
<v Speaker 1>person that he is. So you know, initially when I

1:15:13.770 --> 1:15:16.450
<v Speaker 1>found all of this out, I felt hurt and cheated

1:15:16.490 --> 1:15:20.450
<v Speaker 1>and a fool, and now I just think, no, I'm

1:15:20.490 --> 1:15:25.970
<v Speaker 1>not a fool. He's just very, very good at manipulating

1:15:26.010 --> 1:15:32.050
<v Speaker 1>people and hiding what he's really like from everyone, even

1:15:32.050 --> 1:15:36.130
<v Speaker 1>those closest to him. I honestly think the only person

1:15:36.290 --> 1:15:39.850
<v Speaker 1>in the world that probably knows the truth about him

1:15:40.370 --> 1:15:44.650
<v Speaker 1>is his brother. The rest of his family think his

1:15:44.810 --> 1:15:47.970
<v Speaker 1>ex wife was the problem. They would now think I

1:15:48.170 --> 1:15:52.610
<v Speaker 1>was the problem. Everyone believes him because he's had thirty

1:15:52.730 --> 1:15:57.730
<v Speaker 1>years of practicing hiding what is really like. And I

1:15:57.810 --> 1:16:00.570
<v Speaker 1>look back and I now realize, and his ex wife

1:16:00.850 --> 1:16:05.490
<v Speaker 1>has told me the reason the eleven year old stopped

1:16:05.530 --> 1:16:09.290
<v Speaker 1>seeing him is I don't know. She just got to

1:16:09.330 --> 1:16:13.570
<v Speaker 1>the age where she started being through him and hearing

1:16:13.650 --> 1:16:18.090
<v Speaker 1>the way he spoke to her mum, and then she

1:16:18.370 --> 1:16:21.650
<v Speaker 1>started to realize he was lying well before I did,

1:16:21.810 --> 1:16:26.450
<v Speaker 1>because she heard both sides, and so she turned on

1:16:26.530 --> 1:16:29.050
<v Speaker 1>him because she realized what he was like. Since we've

1:16:29.090 --> 1:16:32.210
<v Speaker 1>broken up the youngest daughter who is now eleven, so

1:16:32.250 --> 1:16:36.490
<v Speaker 1>then our sixteen thirteen eleven, the other daughter, has also

1:16:36.530 --> 1:16:40.810
<v Speaker 1>worked him out. He doesn't want help, and he is

1:16:41.050 --> 1:16:46.730
<v Speaker 1>choosing to lie to everyone about it. So I've felt

1:16:46.730 --> 1:16:52.130
<v Speaker 1>empathy and now I feel nothing. I have been through

1:16:53.130 --> 1:17:00.530
<v Speaker 1>periods where I think, wow, addiction is a medical problem,

1:17:01.330 --> 1:17:04.290
<v Speaker 1>and I have felt empathy and thought, you know, he

1:17:05.410 --> 1:17:09.570
<v Speaker 1>couldn't help her addiction was and still is, you know,

1:17:09.730 --> 1:17:13.290
<v Speaker 1>driving every decision he makes, and it's out of his control.

1:17:13.370 --> 1:17:16.250
<v Speaker 1>So I have felt moments of that, and then I

1:17:16.290 --> 1:17:19.290
<v Speaker 1>guess that's my heart and then my head clicks in

1:17:19.330 --> 1:17:23.130
<v Speaker 1>and says, well, hang on. He was offered help for

1:17:23.210 --> 1:17:28.410
<v Speaker 1>his addiction, he turned it away. Addiction might have controlled

1:17:28.730 --> 1:17:34.890
<v Speaker 1>some of his decisions around money, but addiction didn't make

1:17:35.010 --> 1:17:40.610
<v Speaker 1>him lie, manipulate, cheat, abuse me, yell at me, ghost me,

1:17:41.370 --> 1:17:46.250
<v Speaker 1>disrespect me. And I guess once I thought about it

1:17:46.610 --> 1:17:49.010
<v Speaker 1>in a more considered fashion and took my heart out

1:17:49.050 --> 1:17:52.410
<v Speaker 1>of it, the empathy disappeared, and I just thought, no,

1:17:52.850 --> 1:17:57.930
<v Speaker 1>everything you have done is a choice. And I know

1:17:58.050 --> 1:18:01.090
<v Speaker 1>that's not the case with everyone that suffers addiction, and

1:18:01.170 --> 1:18:05.370
<v Speaker 1>for many people addiction it's not a choice. It's a problem.

1:18:05.450 --> 1:18:07.130
<v Speaker 1>And I know a lot of people want help and

1:18:07.170 --> 1:18:11.210
<v Speaker 1>they can't get it. He doesn't want help, and he

1:18:11.330 --> 1:18:17.130
<v Speaker 1>is choosing to lie to everyone about it. So I've

1:18:17.130 --> 1:18:22.530
<v Speaker 1>felt empathy and now I feel nothing. You know, it's

1:18:22.570 --> 1:18:25.730
<v Speaker 1>a lesson, like he's taught me lessons that I would

1:18:25.770 --> 1:18:28.650
<v Speaker 1>never have learned otherwise, and I've probably come out of it.

1:18:28.730 --> 1:18:33.450
<v Speaker 1>You know, I was always really independent and I've just

1:18:33.490 --> 1:18:37.850
<v Speaker 1>come out of it more confident and more independent than

1:18:38.210 --> 1:18:41.530
<v Speaker 1>I ever was. Since he's left me, and I haven't

1:18:41.570 --> 1:18:45.770
<v Speaker 1>been sitting at home waiting for him and miserable. I

1:18:45.970 --> 1:18:51.810
<v Speaker 1>do know that someone has tipped off the police to

1:18:51.930 --> 1:18:54.770
<v Speaker 1>his stolen goods activity, and I know that because they

1:18:54.970 --> 1:18:59.490
<v Speaker 1>contacted me and asked me if I had knew of it,

1:18:59.530 --> 1:19:01.770
<v Speaker 1>and I said no, I knew nothing about it. It

1:19:01.810 --> 1:19:04.930
<v Speaker 1>had nothing to do with me. I've heard that he

1:19:04.970 --> 1:19:08.050
<v Speaker 1>may have been audited by the ATO and they have

1:19:08.210 --> 1:19:13.690
<v Speaker 1>found some extra income that wasn't declared. So I'm assuming

1:19:13.810 --> 1:19:16.690
<v Speaker 1>that it's going to have some repercussions for him, both

1:19:16.730 --> 1:19:21.410
<v Speaker 1>financially and possibly criminally. I don't know the details. I

1:19:21.490 --> 1:19:24.210
<v Speaker 1>don't know the outcome. I don't know what will happen,

1:19:24.250 --> 1:19:28.610
<v Speaker 1>and I really don't care. He's made his bed and yeah,

1:19:28.650 --> 1:19:34.050
<v Speaker 1>he can lie in it. I've joined a running club,

1:19:34.250 --> 1:19:37.930
<v Speaker 1>I've upped my forty five game. I've just been overseas

1:19:37.970 --> 1:19:41.770
<v Speaker 1>and done a CrossFit camp. I'm fitter than I've ever been.

1:19:42.010 --> 1:19:48.010
<v Speaker 1>I'm financially independent again. I'm doing really well in my career.

1:19:48.930 --> 1:19:53.570
<v Speaker 1>I've reconnected with friends that I probably had neglected, and

1:19:53.610 --> 1:19:58.090
<v Speaker 1>that's been really wonderful. I've reconnected with friends I actually

1:19:58.170 --> 1:20:01.650
<v Speaker 1>hadn't even seen for ten years and just bonded over

1:20:02.170 --> 1:20:06.370
<v Speaker 1>others that have been through similar So whilst it was

1:20:06.610 --> 1:20:09.890
<v Speaker 1>horrible and regretful, I just take lessons out of it

1:20:10.490 --> 1:20:14.130
<v Speaker 1>and have come out a lot stronger and a lot

1:20:14.210 --> 1:20:17.930
<v Speaker 1>happier than I've ever been. And at this point, I

1:20:17.970 --> 1:20:19.930
<v Speaker 1>just want to stay that way. I want to be single,

1:20:20.050 --> 1:20:22.890
<v Speaker 1>I want to be independent. I'm not looking to meet anyone,

1:20:23.370 --> 1:20:25.450
<v Speaker 1>and not because I don't want to go through it again.

1:20:25.570 --> 1:20:29.250
<v Speaker 1>I just am happy on my own. There's no burden,

1:20:29.330 --> 1:20:34.170
<v Speaker 1>there's no ill will, there's just nothingness. There's just me.

1:20:34.290 --> 1:20:36.850
<v Speaker 1>That's really all I care about. Me, my friends, my family,

1:20:37.530 --> 1:20:53.010
<v Speaker 1>and just nothing to do with him.

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<v Speaker 2>Everyone has an X is a Minti Media production and

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<v Speaker 2>proudly you're part of the Mum of MEA Network is

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<v Speaker 2>written and narrated by me Georgia Love and produced by

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<v Speaker 2>Linda Scott.

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<v Speaker 1>If you have a story you'd like to share.

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<v Speaker 2>Email podcast at momamea dot com dot au. You can

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<v Speaker 2>support us by following the show and your favorite podcast

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<v Speaker 2>app and leaving a five star review. We'll see you

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<v Speaker 2>for the next episode.