WEBVTT - The Confession Turia Pitt Hid For Months 0:00:05.800 --> 0:00:10.559 You're listening to Amma Mia podcast. I could sense something, 0:00:11.719 --> 0:00:15.319 I suppose like brewing on the horizon. I know that 0:00:15.400 --> 0:00:20.640 sounds quite quite dramatic, but I could sense something nebulous 0:00:21.680 --> 0:00:25.599 about to happen. And I think that's why, you know, 0:00:25.799 --> 0:00:28.160 part of the reason I went to get a mental 0:00:28.160 --> 0:00:32.240 health care plan was because I was rereading some of 0:00:32.240 --> 0:00:36.400 the stuff that I'd written. And yeah, I always get 0:00:36.440 --> 0:00:40.080 complimented on like how energetic and vivacious and fun I am, 0:00:40.400 --> 0:00:43.280 And the stuff I've written was actually really fucking dark. 0:00:46.200 --> 0:00:50.120 Hello, and welcome to No Filter. I'm kateline Brook and 0:00:50.200 --> 0:00:55.120 today I'm talking to ter Rea pit Now. Teria has 0:00:55.160 --> 0:01:01.600 been called many things, inspiring, resilient, extraordinary, but today she's 0:01:01.720 --> 0:01:07.840 proudly calling herself selfie. After surviving an accident that changed 0:01:07.840 --> 0:01:12.480 her life forever, Teria built a career as an author, speaker, 0:01:12.600 --> 0:01:17.640 and athlete. But this story isn't about the fire. It's 0:01:17.680 --> 0:01:23.200 about what came after, the mental load, the burnout, the guilt, 0:01:23.880 --> 0:01:28.679 and the realization that being selfless was slowly destroying her. 0:01:30.320 --> 0:01:34.200 In this conversation, Teria opens up about learning to put 0:01:34.240 --> 0:01:40.760 herself first, setting boundaries, and why choosing yourself isn't selfish, 0:01:41.400 --> 0:01:50.000 it's survival. This is ter Rea Pit. Ter Rea Pit, 0:01:50.600 --> 0:01:51.840 welcome to No Filter. 0:01:52.160 --> 0:01:53.240 Thank you for having me. 0:01:53.560 --> 0:01:57.480 It's a great medium for you because you are quite 0:01:57.640 --> 0:02:01.160 unfiltered in your expression of yourself. 0:02:01.800 --> 0:02:04.280 Yes, well, I don't know if that's a compliment, but 0:02:04.440 --> 0:02:06.440 I'm going to see it as one. Okay, thank you. 0:02:07.520 --> 0:02:11.440 Well, obviously on this podcast it's the ultimate compliment. Yes, 0:02:11.480 --> 0:02:17.480 But in life it's a rare commodity, really increasingly rare. 0:02:18.320 --> 0:02:20.640 I mean, you've always been very open with how you've 0:02:20.680 --> 0:02:26.480 brought yourself to the public, but this is really if 0:02:26.520 --> 0:02:29.480 you ever want to make the people that you live 0:02:29.520 --> 0:02:33.560 with nervous, your husband, your children, I suggest that you 0:02:33.640 --> 0:02:37.600 pull out this book, your new book, which is called 0:02:37.720 --> 0:02:41.280 Selfish Selfish. My husband's like, why are you reading that? 0:02:42.840 --> 0:02:44.320 It makes them nervous? 0:02:44.840 --> 0:02:46.960 Yeah, you know what. There was a bit of tension 0:02:47.200 --> 0:02:51.160 inside myself with how because you know, there's stories in 0:02:51.200 --> 0:02:56.160 there about Michael. There's less stories about my kids, but 0:02:56.200 --> 0:02:59.400 there are still some stories in there. So for me, 0:03:00.280 --> 0:03:04.480 whilst personally I am a public person, I share my story, 0:03:04.720 --> 0:03:08.000 I post on social media, I do podcasts, I write, 0:03:08.360 --> 0:03:12.600 I create content, I do advocacy work, so I'm a 0:03:12.640 --> 0:03:15.440 public person, but I also need to remember that my 0:03:15.600 --> 0:03:19.919 family aren't public, if that makes sense. Like my husband, 0:03:20.000 --> 0:03:24.280 well he's not my husband, Michael isn't an influencer. You know, 0:03:24.640 --> 0:03:27.440 my kids aren't in my content. So there was a 0:03:27.440 --> 0:03:30.959 little bit of tension within myself, I suppose about that 0:03:31.080 --> 0:03:32.560 tightrope that I had to walk. 0:03:33.040 --> 0:03:37.240 Yes, because you in the book, you delve very deeply 0:03:37.400 --> 0:03:40.960 into the inherent tension that a lot of women in 0:03:41.000 --> 0:03:46.240 particular feel in their lives now, which is how you 0:03:47.320 --> 0:03:52.560 serve yourself and how you serve those around you who 0:03:52.600 --> 0:03:56.000 you love. And in fact, even though you said you 0:03:56.000 --> 0:03:58.920 don't talk about your boys too much, hack of I, 0:03:59.200 --> 0:04:04.920 your eldest son provided the launching pad he did for 0:04:04.960 --> 0:04:07.800 this discovery over the hot chocolate. 0:04:07.960 --> 0:04:11.200 Yeah. So it was one of those nights which you know, 0:04:11.280 --> 0:04:13.920 I'm sure so many people can relate to, but especially 0:04:13.920 --> 0:04:17.040 if your parents, both parents come home after a big 0:04:17.120 --> 0:04:20.640 day at work. You're both absolutely shattered, but the kids 0:04:20.680 --> 0:04:24.440 are you know, everyone's hungry. You haven't started making dinner, 0:04:24.920 --> 0:04:26.520 so you know, I start getting the stuff out of 0:04:26.520 --> 0:04:29.240 the fridge, start cooking dinner, and I look over at 0:04:29.240 --> 0:04:33.880 my husband, sorry, at my boyfriend, you're not husband at 0:04:33.920 --> 0:04:36.560 my spunky man and he's sitting on it. He's sitting 0:04:36.600 --> 0:04:39.120 on the couch, and I have this thought, and it's 0:04:39.120 --> 0:04:42.720 probably reflective of my headspace at the time, but I think, oh, 0:04:42.760 --> 0:04:45.320 that'd be nice, you know, that'd be nice to be 0:04:45.320 --> 0:04:47.279 able to sit down and sit down on the couch 0:04:47.320 --> 0:04:49.920 and decompress after my day. But no, I've got to 0:04:49.960 --> 0:04:53.480 cook dinner. So I cook the dinner. Everyone sits down 0:04:53.520 --> 0:04:55.560 at the table, We eat the dinner, we start clearing up, 0:04:56.080 --> 0:04:58.480 and then my eldest son, Hukkavay, he was only four 0:04:58.520 --> 0:05:00.880 years old at the time, he says that he wants 0:05:00.880 --> 0:05:03.880 a hot chocolate. So I say, yeah, no, worries, mate. 0:05:04.080 --> 0:05:07.480 So I start getting out the hot chocolate materials and 0:05:07.520 --> 0:05:09.400 he looks at the brand of the hot chocolate that 0:05:09.440 --> 0:05:14.200 I've bought and you, guys, that's the wrong one. And 0:05:14.880 --> 0:05:21.560 because by this time I'm so stressed, tense, overwhelmed, cranky 0:05:22.440 --> 0:05:27.000 and snarky, I retort back to him, well, why don't 0:05:27.040 --> 0:05:28.560 you ask your dad to buy you the brand of 0:05:28.560 --> 0:05:31.440 hot chocolate that you like? And quick as a flash, 0:05:31.480 --> 0:05:33.520 he comes back to me and he says, no, that's 0:05:33.560 --> 0:05:37.360 your job. And I would always I had always considered 0:05:37.400 --> 0:05:41.240 Michael and I to have an equal relationship. I considered 0:05:41.240 --> 0:05:44.320 myself to be a feminist. I thought we were doing 0:05:44.440 --> 0:05:46.760 a pretty good job at raising our voice. But yet 0:05:47.480 --> 0:05:50.080 somehow my four year old son had identified that it 0:05:50.120 --> 0:05:54.040 was mum's job to remember the brand of hot chocolate 0:05:54.120 --> 0:05:57.960 that he liked. And so that night I was a 0:05:57.960 --> 0:06:00.880 little bit of a spiral because I felt like no 0:06:00.920 --> 0:06:03.919 matter how diligent I was, no matter how hard I tried, 0:06:03.960 --> 0:06:06.919 no matter if I got up earlier in the morning 0:06:06.920 --> 0:06:09.160 and meditated, no matter if I set my day up 0:06:09.160 --> 0:06:12.240 with intentions, no matter if I, you know, planned out 0:06:12.280 --> 0:06:16.839 my day meticulously, something would always fall through the cracks. 0:06:17.320 --> 0:06:20.599 And I also I didn't really like who I was 0:06:20.640 --> 0:06:23.600 at the time, because I was often stressed and shitty 0:06:23.600 --> 0:06:27.839 and annoyed and overwhelmed and overworked. And I like, I 0:06:27.880 --> 0:06:30.680 feel so like you, Kate, like I got a second 0:06:30.800 --> 0:06:34.440 chance at life, right, but I wasn't enjoying it because 0:06:34.480 --> 0:06:37.080 I was always shitty and annoyed, and I wanted to 0:06:37.240 --> 0:06:40.039 enjoy my life. That my second chance that I get 0:06:40.040 --> 0:06:42.839 to have with my spunky man and my beautiful kids, 0:06:42.839 --> 0:06:44.960 that I wanted to be well playful and more energetic 0:06:45.000 --> 0:06:49.560 and more uplifted and more joyful. And so that was 0:06:49.720 --> 0:06:51.560 I suppose a catalyst for this book. 0:06:52.080 --> 0:06:58.560 And so when that moment, sometimes you only recognize things 0:06:58.600 --> 0:07:02.719 in retrospect. Yeah, Like, did that moment hit you in 0:07:02.760 --> 0:07:06.200 the moment, even with all the you know, a tendant 0:07:06.280 --> 0:07:08.839 kafuffle of trying to make dinner and exhaustion or whatever. 0:07:09.080 --> 0:07:10.880 Did it hit you at the moment or was it 0:07:11.040 --> 0:07:15.240 later on upon reflection that you went, hang on a minute. 0:07:15.520 --> 0:07:18.760 Yeah, it was when everyone was in bed and I 0:07:18.800 --> 0:07:24.720 sat down at the kitchen table, and I remember feeling 0:07:24.760 --> 0:07:28.320 really sad, really sad, and I was drinking I was 0:07:28.400 --> 0:07:32.560 drinking wine at the time. I just started like tapping 0:07:32.560 --> 0:07:36.720 out my thoughts and my feelings and how how I 0:07:36.760 --> 0:07:39.040 felt at the time this tension in my life. I 0:07:39.120 --> 0:07:42.600 was running around like a headless chicken, trying to do 0:07:42.640 --> 0:07:45.640 everything for everyone else, spending my whole day being a 0:07:45.680 --> 0:07:49.360 good boss, being a good person, being polite, not rocking 0:07:49.360 --> 0:07:53.440 the boat, being a good friend, not forgetting birthdays, checking 0:07:53.480 --> 0:07:55.240 in with my in laws. So I felt like I 0:07:55.320 --> 0:07:58.080 was doing everything that I was that I felt like 0:07:58.120 --> 0:08:02.600 I was supposed to. But then if I didn't do 0:08:02.720 --> 0:08:06.840 one little thing, then all of the things that I 0:08:06.920 --> 0:08:11.920 did do right right noticed or weren't appreciated interested. 0:08:12.760 --> 0:08:17.240 Yes, so the exceptions to what you've done are the 0:08:17.320 --> 0:08:20.480 things that get picked up on exactly, rather than the 0:08:20.600 --> 0:08:23.080 million things you have done. So even with like hack 0:08:23.120 --> 0:08:25.200 of eye, it was he noticed that you didn't get 0:08:25.200 --> 0:08:28.520 the right type of hot chocolate. But of course through 0:08:28.560 --> 0:08:30.720 a child's eyes, they're not noticing that you've just picked 0:08:30.720 --> 0:08:32.439 them up and dropped them off and that you're making 0:08:32.439 --> 0:08:33.400 dinner in your whatever. 0:08:33.640 --> 0:08:36.520 Yeah, And like it's not it's not a child's job 0:08:37.239 --> 0:08:39.839 to you know, especially not a four year old to 0:08:39.880 --> 0:08:42.599 be like, oh, you've done you know, you've worked all 0:08:42.719 --> 0:08:45.040 day and yes, you know you've got to give yourself 0:08:45.040 --> 0:08:47.120 a break and you've cooked it. Like that's what my 0:08:47.239 --> 0:08:50.000 girlfriends are for. I suppose that's what girlfriends are for, 0:08:50.479 --> 0:08:52.240 you know, to give you that little pep talk. And 0:08:52.280 --> 0:08:55.400 also that's what my man's for too. So it's not 0:08:55.760 --> 0:08:58.480 it's not a child's job. But I suppose when I 0:08:58.520 --> 0:09:03.200 embarked on this selfish journey, I realized that I had 0:09:03.239 --> 0:09:07.920 to stop posed waiting, yes, waiting for someone to notice, 0:09:08.000 --> 0:09:11.679 waiting for someone to praise, waiting for someone to say, hey, 0:09:11.719 --> 0:09:14.719 you've worked really hard today. You need to break yes. 0:09:14.920 --> 0:09:17.800 And I had to carve that out for myself. 0:09:17.760 --> 0:09:20.640 You say in the book, And I think this will 0:09:20.640 --> 0:09:24.359 resonate with so many people. I've tried to be selfless, 0:09:24.959 --> 0:09:27.760 to put other people's needs ahead of my own, and 0:09:27.800 --> 0:09:32.520 I think in many ways it's been catastrophic for me personally. 0:09:32.959 --> 0:09:39.280 Yes, that's extraordinary. Yeah, because I became burned out. I 0:09:39.319 --> 0:09:42.640 was really burned out, and that because I didn't didn't 0:09:42.679 --> 0:09:45.479 get help, didn't get the mental health support that I needed, 0:09:46.239 --> 0:09:49.679 I ended up being really depressed. That's why it was catastrophic, 0:09:49.760 --> 0:09:51.559 because up until that i'd been I felt like I'd 0:09:51.559 --> 0:09:55.679 been doing everything right. You know, I'd been a good partner, 0:09:55.719 --> 0:09:58.840 a good mom, a good friend, a good daughter, checking 0:09:58.880 --> 0:10:02.839 in on others, making sure everyone else was comfortable. And 0:10:02.880 --> 0:10:06.079 if something made me uncomfortable, or if I didn't want 0:10:06.119 --> 0:10:09.800 to do something, I would just absorb that, you know, 0:10:10.000 --> 0:10:13.520 I would just expect myself to be able to resolve 0:10:13.599 --> 0:10:17.880 that internally. Or I would expect myself to not make 0:10:17.920 --> 0:10:20.480 a big deal. Don't be a drama queen, don't be 0:10:20.520 --> 0:10:22.400 a diva, be easy going. 0:10:22.599 --> 0:10:24.360 So what sort of things, Terria. 0:10:24.719 --> 0:10:28.160 Yeah, I'll give you an example. So lots of people 0:10:28.559 --> 0:10:31.000 recognize me and they say, oh my gosh, Terria, I 0:10:31.040 --> 0:10:34.319 love your work, You're awesome, and I'll say, thank you. 0:10:34.359 --> 0:10:37.679 That's really lovely, you know. I genuinely love it when 0:10:37.719 --> 0:10:40.240 people say that to me. But on the other side 0:10:40.280 --> 0:10:42.400 of the equation, I also get people come up to 0:10:42.439 --> 0:10:44.999 me and they say, oh my gosh, what happened to you? 0:10:45.800 --> 0:10:49.080 Oh my gosh, will you burnt? Oh my gosh, that's 0:10:49.239 --> 0:10:54.080 such a crazy story. And what I would do is 0:10:54.119 --> 0:10:58.040 I would placate them, so I would answer the questions, 0:10:58.160 --> 0:11:02.199 and I perversely, I wouldn't want them to feel bad, 0:11:02.800 --> 0:11:05.480 so I do all this extra work to try and 0:11:05.520 --> 0:11:10.679 make them feel comfortable for asking what is probably you know, 0:11:11.079 --> 0:11:13.080 I wouldn't be proud if my boys went up to 0:11:13.119 --> 0:11:16.439 a stranger and asked those types of questions. But I 0:11:16.479 --> 0:11:19.160 suppose when I started to notice that I was at 0:11:19.160 --> 0:11:22.399 the park with my son and a woman came over 0:11:22.479 --> 0:11:24.840 to me and started asking me a lot of those questions, 0:11:25.280 --> 0:11:28.880 and I could feel my son squeezing my hand, trying 0:11:28.920 --> 0:11:32.080 to pull me away and saying, Mommy, can we go? 0:11:32.439 --> 0:11:35.679 Can we go? And so I sort of. I suppose 0:11:35.800 --> 0:11:40.119 it's strange because I've written this book about being selfish 0:11:40.160 --> 0:11:45.359 and I'm encouraging other women to be selfish and to 0:11:45.359 --> 0:11:49.000 stop waiting for permission from other people. But at the 0:11:49.040 --> 0:11:51.280 same time, I'm still not very good at being selfish, 0:11:51.319 --> 0:11:53.160 even though I've written this, I've written this whole bloody 0:11:53.160 --> 0:11:56.720 book on it. But it was easier for me to 0:11:56.760 --> 0:11:59.600 set boundaries and to do things when it was for 0:12:00.239 --> 0:12:02.280 my kids, if that makes sense. 0:12:02.479 --> 0:12:05.439 Often I think we'll advocate on half of others. 0:12:05.640 --> 0:12:07.079 Yeah yeah, we'll draw. 0:12:06.920 --> 0:12:09.160 A line in the sand on behalf of others that 0:12:09.199 --> 0:12:11.319 we won't do for ourselves. 0:12:11.400 --> 0:12:14.160 Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's why I thought about 0:12:14.160 --> 0:12:16.360 the example I was setting for my kids. I was 0:12:16.359 --> 0:12:19.120 teaching them that the stranger asked them a question that 0:12:19.119 --> 0:12:22.160 they weren't comfortable with, they had to answer it, and 0:12:22.199 --> 0:12:24.599 not only that they had to be polite about it, 0:12:24.640 --> 0:12:27.319 and not only that they had to make the stranger 0:12:27.839 --> 0:12:33.720 feel good about asking this feel okay. Yeah. So now 0:12:34.000 --> 0:12:35.920 if someone says that to me, I just say I 0:12:35.920 --> 0:12:39.239 don't want to talk about it, which feels so rude, 0:12:39.599 --> 0:12:41.760 and it feels like I'm being a really big bitch. 0:12:42.920 --> 0:12:46.320 But at the same time, I notice that I feel 0:12:46.319 --> 0:12:49.800 proud of myself too for drawing that boundary. 0:12:50.319 --> 0:12:53.400 When you are in public as other people are who 0:12:53.439 --> 0:12:56.960 have had burns or who have had some kind of 0:12:57.040 --> 0:13:01.400 physical trauma happened to them, yea, that they wear that 0:13:01.479 --> 0:13:03.840 they can't hide from the world, Like as we all 0:13:03.880 --> 0:13:07.119 know the world, it's all crawling around full of internal trauma, 0:13:07.160 --> 0:13:10.400 but that can't be seen from the outside. Yeah, there's 0:13:10.439 --> 0:13:13.840 something about when you have the face that you present 0:13:13.920 --> 0:13:17.719 to the world has a story to it that people 0:13:17.920 --> 0:13:23.600 feel that they can intrude upon that. And in your book, 0:13:23.760 --> 0:13:28.479 in which you so in your quest for selfishness, you 0:13:28.520 --> 0:13:32.519 go on it is a real quest. So you examine 0:13:32.640 --> 0:13:35.360 so many aspects of your life, your relationship with alcohol, 0:13:35.400 --> 0:13:38.959 your relationship with your phone, the division of household chores 0:13:39.000 --> 0:13:42.240 with Michael. And one of the things that you talk 0:13:42.319 --> 0:13:45.319 about which was really interesting was I think it came 0:13:45.359 --> 0:13:48.759 out of your therapy, maybe that every time you have 0:13:48.839 --> 0:13:52.879 to share your trauma with a stranger, you end up 0:13:53.000 --> 0:13:54.959 reliving that trauma yourself. 0:13:55.439 --> 0:14:00.080 Yeah, which I you know, I'd read about microaggressions a 0:14:00.119 --> 0:14:03.199 couple of years ago, which is something that I think 0:14:03.239 --> 0:14:05.679 it was first brought to my attention by Carlie Finley. 0:14:05.719 --> 0:14:07.200 Oh yes, I love Carly. 0:14:07.439 --> 0:14:11.960 Yeah, she's awesome, she's an advocate, she's fucking amazing. So 0:14:12.040 --> 0:14:14.679 it was first brought to my attention, and when I 0:14:14.760 --> 0:14:17.760 first read about it, I got to say I didn't 0:14:17.839 --> 0:14:21.320 quite understand because at the time, I was like, well, 0:14:21.320 --> 0:14:24.960 it's just a question, like, you know, the person didn't 0:14:25.000 --> 0:14:27.080 mean it. It's just a question how bad can it be? 0:14:27.640 --> 0:14:32.160 But what I realized now is because I've lived with 0:14:32.320 --> 0:14:36.680 burns for like close to fifteen years, the reason they're 0:14:36.680 --> 0:14:42.920 called microaggressions is because they have this cumulative effect. And 0:14:43.280 --> 0:14:45.440 You're right, every time someone, you know, I might be 0:14:45.680 --> 0:14:48.600 at the going for a surf and I'll be frothing. 0:14:48.600 --> 0:14:49.960 I'll be like, can't wait to get out there, and 0:14:49.960 --> 0:14:52.440 someone will say, hey, what happened to you? And then 0:14:52.479 --> 0:14:55.240 even though I was keen and excited to go for 0:14:55.320 --> 0:15:01.400 a serf, now mentally I brought back to, you know, 0:15:01.479 --> 0:15:05.280 the trauma that I've survived. So it can be quiet jarring. 0:15:06.280 --> 0:15:09.560 But it's also not like I can't expect every single 0:15:09.600 --> 0:15:14.400 person to not ask me those types of questions, right, No, Like, 0:15:14.600 --> 0:15:17.120 obviously that's going to be ideal. It's not going to happen. 0:15:17.600 --> 0:15:19.720 But what I can do is I can realize that 0:15:20.000 --> 0:15:22.120 people can ask that question, and I can also just 0:15:22.119 --> 0:15:24.320 shut it down and just say I don't want to 0:15:24.320 --> 0:15:24.960 talk about it. 0:15:25.479 --> 0:15:30.040 You must get told all the time that you're an inspiration. 0:15:31.479 --> 0:15:35.800 Is that a blessing or a curse? Does it confine 0:15:35.880 --> 0:15:37.760 you to feel that you have to live in a 0:15:37.800 --> 0:15:41.520 certain way? How do you feel about about inspiration? 0:15:42.160 --> 0:15:45.240 You know, when people say that they admire me, they 0:15:45.280 --> 0:15:48.039 respect the work I've died, that they find me inspiring, 0:15:48.640 --> 0:15:53.600 that's that's really like lovely and amazing, and I like 0:15:53.680 --> 0:15:56.760 to hear it. If I'm feeling down or I'm having 0:15:56.760 --> 0:15:59.240 a shit day, I can feel like a bit of 0:15:59.239 --> 0:16:04.160 a fraud. This person thinks I'm inspiring, but I feel 0:16:04.200 --> 0:16:07.440 like my day has just been a shit show, so 0:16:07.520 --> 0:16:11.480 I don't feel inspiring at the time. I think when 0:16:11.520 --> 0:16:13.999 people say, like if I'm at the shops and I'm 0:16:14.040 --> 0:16:17.720 getting like minced meat from my spag while that I'm 0:16:17.720 --> 0:16:21.280 cooking my boys and someone says, oh, you're so brave, 0:16:22.080 --> 0:16:25.800 I I just couldn't leave the house if what happened 0:16:25.840 --> 0:16:29.680 to you happened to me. I find that kind of 0:16:29.680 --> 0:16:33.600 applause really off because I feel like I'm being commended 0:16:33.640 --> 0:16:37.920 for doing a really ordinary, basic task that most people 0:16:38.400 --> 0:16:41.359 would do and not really think about. So I don't 0:16:41.400 --> 0:16:44.160 like those circumstances. But I think I'm normally getting caught 0:16:44.239 --> 0:16:48.320 inspiring or brave, I suppose for the work that I've 0:16:48.320 --> 0:16:50.920 done or the things that I've done. And I think 0:16:51.640 --> 0:16:54.200 if I look at it objectively, then yes, I am 0:16:54.239 --> 0:16:58.080 brave and I am inspiring. So I'm okay with it. 0:16:57.840 --> 0:16:59.680 To repeat you are extraordinary. 0:17:00.000 --> 0:17:01.759 I'll take that too, Kate, thank. 0:17:01.640 --> 0:17:06.720 You so in your quest. And I just also want 0:17:06.720 --> 0:17:10.000 to say the territory that you're charting in the book 0:17:10.119 --> 0:17:13.639 is very interesting because it's certainly not a treatise on, 0:17:14.919 --> 0:17:17.840 you know, burning down the village and leaving everyone to 0:17:17.919 --> 0:17:20.919 fend for themselves. You're not advocating that at all, No, 0:17:21.280 --> 0:17:23.600 But you know what I mean, that is the association 0:17:23.760 --> 0:17:26.759 that we have with the notion of selfishness. Yeah, but 0:17:26.840 --> 0:17:30.960 what you're talking about is serving yourself. 0:17:30.679 --> 0:17:35.040 Yeah, looking after your well being, making sure that you're 0:17:35.080 --> 0:17:39.600 doing okay. And you know, sometimes we don't live near 0:17:39.639 --> 0:17:42.520 any family members, and Michael will go away for work 0:17:43.080 --> 0:17:46.679 and so I'll be solo parenting for two weeks. In 0:17:46.720 --> 0:17:49.879 the morning, sometimes I can feel myself start to get stressed, 0:17:50.399 --> 0:17:52.560 start to get overwhelmed because I think about all the 0:17:52.560 --> 0:17:54.600 work that I have to do. I've got to get 0:17:54.600 --> 0:17:57.239 the kids ready for school, do their lunches, all of 0:17:57.240 --> 0:18:01.879 those things. And now, instead of being really hard on myself, 0:18:01.919 --> 0:18:03.679 I say, well, what's going to make this day a 0:18:03.760 --> 0:18:07.279 bit easier to reach? Yeah? And sometimes the answer is, Hey, 0:18:07.320 --> 0:18:09.040 I'm not going to take my kids to after school 0:18:09.080 --> 0:18:12.760 sports today, or we're just going to get pizza tonight. 0:18:13.600 --> 0:18:18.200 And sometimes that doesn't feel good, particularly when you are 0:18:18.960 --> 0:18:21.399 if you like me, and you're an overachiever and you 0:18:21.560 --> 0:18:24.600 like to do things properly and you like to excel, 0:18:25.760 --> 0:18:30.479 stripping back, taking your foot off the pedal, giving yourself 0:18:30.520 --> 0:18:33.119 that permission to not take your kids so they're after 0:18:33.119 --> 0:18:37.239 school sports, or not cook a home cooked meal. That 0:18:37.280 --> 0:18:41.160 doesn't feel good all right, But I also know that 0:18:41.159 --> 0:18:43.520 that's what I need to do to look after myself 0:18:43.520 --> 0:18:44.480 in that moment. 0:18:44.800 --> 0:18:48.840 When you have made a decision like that, Often I 0:18:48.840 --> 0:18:52.400 think we anticipate that the response of the world around 0:18:52.480 --> 0:18:56.879 us will be judgemental or horrified or disappointed or whatever. 0:18:57.159 --> 0:18:59.920 Yes, yes, And this is what I realized last year. 0:19:00.000 --> 0:19:03.879 I was really badly burnt out. I had so many 0:19:03.879 --> 0:19:06.600 people offer me help when Michael was away working. I said, no, 0:19:06.679 --> 0:19:09.320 I'm good, I've got it. I suppose I had this 0:19:09.359 --> 0:19:12.719 idea in my head that I'd beaten the fire, so 0:19:12.879 --> 0:19:16.359 like solo parenting and running a business not that fucking hard. 0:19:17.159 --> 0:19:19.479 And so there was this story going in my head like, 0:19:19.560 --> 0:19:22.959 stop being a pussy, Stop being a little bitch. You 0:19:23.000 --> 0:19:26.080 wanted kids, you wanted a family, you wanted a business. 0:19:26.639 --> 0:19:29.639 You've got it now, so don't fucking complain about it. 0:19:30.480 --> 0:19:33.919 That was this story I was telling myself in my head. 0:19:35.000 --> 0:19:39.479 And what I realized now after I suppose getting therapy 0:19:39.520 --> 0:19:43.159 and getting mental health support, is that asking people for 0:19:43.280 --> 0:19:46.999 help or support often they're really happy to help to 0:19:47.080 --> 0:19:51.159 start with. But also, if I had a deadline and 0:19:51.240 --> 0:19:53.639 it was tomorrow and I hadn't done the thing, I'd 0:19:53.720 --> 0:19:56.919 just stay up until midnight until it was done, because 0:19:56.919 --> 0:19:58.600 I said I was going to have it to them tomorrow. 0:19:59.600 --> 0:20:03.159 And now I'm like, I won't have it to you tomorrow, 0:20:05.200 --> 0:20:07.519 but I can have it to you next week. And 0:20:07.560 --> 0:20:12.280 the answer pretty much always has been no worries. Like 0:20:12.399 --> 0:20:15.999 too easy. So I realized, Fuck, how much harder have 0:20:16.040 --> 0:20:21.919 I made my life for myself by being so so binary, right, 0:20:22.040 --> 0:20:25.799 by being so driven, by being such a such a 0:20:25.840 --> 0:20:27.919 stickler for the unwritten rules. 0:20:28.480 --> 0:20:34.639 But I think it's possibly twofold in you, because you're obviously, 0:20:35.399 --> 0:20:40.080 as you said, a very driven person, very disciplined. But 0:20:40.280 --> 0:20:45.919 do you think you also took on post your continuing recovery, 0:20:46.159 --> 0:20:49.479 your continuing treatments. Do you think you also took on 0:20:50.040 --> 0:20:52.040 I need to show that I'm capable of doing all 0:20:52.080 --> 0:20:54.040 these things that I would have been able to do before. 0:20:54.840 --> 0:20:58.159 Yeah, of course, And it was I suppose I wanted 0:20:58.159 --> 0:21:01.280 to prove that to everyone else, like, hey, I know 0:21:01.399 --> 0:21:03.760 I've got a disability, but I can still do everything. 0:21:05.159 --> 0:21:08.600 And you know, when Michael's around, I can kind of 0:21:08.639 --> 0:21:12.920 pretend I don't because I can be cocking. I can say, hey, 0:21:13.000 --> 0:21:14.920 D can help not this jar ofd pasta sauce. He'll 0:21:14.919 --> 0:21:17.000 come and do it. But when he is not there, 0:21:17.080 --> 0:21:21.479 I'm like, fuck, I can't open this, you know, And 0:21:21.520 --> 0:21:23.520 that's not good for my ego either. 0:21:23.919 --> 0:21:27.639 No, to come face to face with those limitations that 0:21:28.320 --> 0:21:31.920 once again pivot you back to a point of trauma. 0:21:32.119 --> 0:21:36.200 Yeah, I suppose. I don't find like not being able 0:21:36.240 --> 0:21:38.799 to do things. I don't find it traumatic, but I 0:21:38.840 --> 0:21:42.080 do find it frustrating. It does frustrate me when I 0:21:42.119 --> 0:21:45.680 can't do things that I used to be able to do. 0:21:47.520 --> 0:21:51.000 After the break to reasshares how reading through some dark 0:21:51.119 --> 0:21:55.560 journaling trees became the moment she realized she needed to 0:21:55.760 --> 0:22:01.760 ask for help. When you started on this questioning really 0:22:01.800 --> 0:22:05.959 of how you could return yourself to yourself and start 0:22:06.040 --> 0:22:08.359 to enjoy this life that you had built and that 0:22:08.399 --> 0:22:12.119 you had dreamed off, but that you weren't enjoying, do 0:22:12.200 --> 0:22:18.000 you think at that point you knew inside yourself that 0:22:18.040 --> 0:22:19.119 you were getting wobbly? 0:22:20.119 --> 0:22:22.840 Yeah, I think, yeah, of course, I think I definitely did. 0:22:22.840 --> 0:22:26.040 I think that's part of the reason why I set 0:22:26.040 --> 0:22:30.159 out on this project to be selfish, because I could 0:22:30.320 --> 0:22:35.000 sense I could sense something like brewing on the horizon. 0:22:35.240 --> 0:22:38.999 I know that sounds quite quite dramatic, but I could. 0:22:39.040 --> 0:22:43.759 I could sense something nebulous about to happen. And I 0:22:43.800 --> 0:22:47.360 think that's why, you know, part of the reason I 0:22:47.399 --> 0:22:50.479 went to get a mental health care plan was because 0:22:50.520 --> 0:22:53.600 I was rereading some of the stuff that I'd written, 0:22:54.639 --> 0:22:57.919 and I, yeah, I always get complimented on, like how 0:22:58.040 --> 0:23:01.159 energetic and vivacious and fun I am. And the stuff 0:23:01.159 --> 0:23:04.800 I'd written was actually really fucking dark, right, you know, 0:23:05.000 --> 0:23:07.959 I've got I've got so many good girlfriends that I 0:23:08.000 --> 0:23:09.840 love and I don't. And I called one of them 0:23:09.879 --> 0:23:12.959 and I kind of told her what had been going on. 0:23:14.200 --> 0:23:15.960 She was the one who encouraged me to go get 0:23:15.960 --> 0:23:16.920 a mental health care plan. 0:23:17.320 --> 0:23:19.719 When you spoke to her, what did you What were 0:23:19.760 --> 0:23:22.320 the headlines at that point? 0:23:22.600 --> 0:23:25.760 Oh? The headlines were like I just I just told 0:23:25.760 --> 0:23:27.479 her some of the stuff i'd written, like that I 0:23:27.520 --> 0:23:30.280 felt like I was in the way that I felt 0:23:30.280 --> 0:23:33.000 like I was an inconvenience, that I felt like I wasn't, 0:23:33.520 --> 0:23:38.280 I wasn't enough. Just stuff like that, which isn't, which 0:23:38.359 --> 0:23:43.600 hadn't been reflective of my everyday experience up until that point. 0:23:43.800 --> 0:23:47.280 And why do you think, I mean, there might not 0:23:47.359 --> 0:23:49.840 be an answer to this, but why do you think 0:23:49.879 --> 0:23:51.640