WEBVTT - EXTRA: Mary Coustas Was 49 When She Became A Mum 0:00:08.234 --> 0:00:16.393 You're listening to another mea podcast Hello Unleashes Me and 0:00:16.434 --> 0:00:18.913 Friedman back in your ears. You know, there are some 0:00:18.994 --> 0:00:21.553 women who you feel like you've known your whole life. 0:00:21.634 --> 0:00:23.794 You grew up with them on your TV. You know 0:00:23.874 --> 0:00:27.594 their voice and their face and their jokes, and especially 0:00:27.994 --> 0:00:31.034 you know their hair. In the case of Mary Coustas, 0:00:31.514 --> 0:00:35.954 sometimes the woman behind the character has a story that's 0:00:35.994 --> 0:00:39.153 even more interesting. So many of you have fallen in 0:00:39.153 --> 0:00:41.633 love with Unleashed and told us we want to know 0:00:41.714 --> 0:00:44.994 more about the incredible hosts that are on the couch 0:00:45.074 --> 0:00:47.354 every week. We want to go deep. We want to 0:00:47.394 --> 0:00:49.434 get to know them a little bit better, one on 0:00:49.434 --> 0:00:52.553 one and fair enough. Because I love them too, which 0:00:52.553 --> 0:00:54.794 is why I was so excited to bring them together 0:00:54.794 --> 0:00:57.354 for this show. Today, I'm bringing you something from the 0:00:57.474 --> 0:01:01.234 archive that you are going to love. Yes, I've already 0:01:01.273 --> 0:01:04.913 spoiled it. It's Marycustas, the big hearted, brilliant, wildly funny 0:01:04.914 --> 0:01:08.874 woman behind the character of Effie from Acropolis. Now and 0:01:08.954 --> 0:01:11.234 now she is still around. I saw her just a 0:01:11.234 --> 0:01:13.354 few weeks ago in her live show, which I would 0:01:13.394 --> 0:01:16.554 encourage you to go watch if you possibly can. But 0:01:16.674 --> 0:01:20.874 before she was Unleashed on this couch. Mary sat down 0:01:20.914 --> 0:01:23.394 with me on the No Filter Couch or behind the 0:01:23.394 --> 0:01:26.074 No Filter Mike when I used to host that podcast, 0:01:26.514 --> 0:01:29.754 and we had a conversation that went really deep. She 0:01:29.954 --> 0:01:33.474 has a very wise presence, I think is the best 0:01:33.474 --> 0:01:36.274 way of putting it on unleashed, and you're about to 0:01:36.354 --> 0:01:38.994 find out why. She's like the mother of the group, 0:01:39.794 --> 0:01:42.554 and she's also like the Yoda of the group. She 0:01:42.594 --> 0:01:45.554 sits there, she listens, she takes it all in, and 0:01:45.594 --> 0:01:48.954 then she just comes out with a cracking pearla. I reckon. 0:01:48.994 --> 0:01:51.794 This episode will hit you right in the heart. Here 0:01:51.994 --> 0:01:54.194 is our beloved Mary Custace. 0:01:55.554 --> 0:01:58.914 When death and life arrive at the same moment, you 0:01:58.954 --> 0:02:01.914 know it's you know, I mean, you imagine it. You 0:02:02.034 --> 0:02:07.674 just don't know what to expect. Hi. 0:02:07.834 --> 0:02:10.874 I'm mea Friedman and welcome to No Filter, a podcast 0:02:10.874 --> 0:02:13.434 where there is no such thing as too much information. 0:02:14.394 --> 0:02:18.194 Joining me today is Mary Custas, or, as you might 0:02:18.234 --> 0:02:21.954 know her, Effie, the lovable, outrageous Greek girl who's become 0:02:21.994 --> 0:02:23.994 as much of a cultural like on as Dame Edna. 0:02:25.474 --> 0:02:28.074 But behind that big hair and even bigger sense of 0:02:28.154 --> 0:02:31.194 humor is a woman who's literally gone to Helen back 0:02:31.674 --> 0:02:34.674 more times than you would believe in order to realize 0:02:34.674 --> 0:02:39.954 her deep, unquenchable desire to become a mother. Mary. Welcome. 0:02:40.394 --> 0:02:42.314 I'm going to read some facts about you. It's going 0:02:42.354 --> 0:02:44.154 to be a little bit this is your life, and 0:02:44.274 --> 0:02:46.114 please jump in if I'm wrong on any of them. 0:02:46.114 --> 0:02:48.234 All right, you were born and raised in Melbourne and 0:02:48.234 --> 0:02:49.474 you're fifty one years old. 0:02:49.634 --> 0:02:51.634 WHOA I can't argue with that. 0:02:51.514 --> 0:02:55.353 You can't argue about? Well, that's good. You studied a 0:02:55.354 --> 0:02:57.634 Bachelor of Arts at Deacon University and you made it 0:02:57.674 --> 0:03:00.674 in performing arts and you also did a minor in journalism. 0:03:01.674 --> 0:03:04.194 In nineteen eighty seven, you had your first major role 0:03:04.274 --> 0:03:06.834 in the stage show Logs Out of Work. You were 0:03:06.874 --> 0:03:10.434 the most popular character. It was the most successful original 0:03:10.474 --> 0:03:13.634 Australian theater show ever produced and it toured for two years. 0:03:13.874 --> 0:03:17.354 It led to Akropolers Now and from nineteen eighty nine 0:03:17.714 --> 0:03:20.634 to nineteen ninety two on that show you played the 0:03:20.714 --> 0:03:24.114 role of Effie Stephanidis. In two thousand and three, you 0:03:24.154 --> 0:03:26.634 met George Betsis, and in two thousand and five you 0:03:26.714 --> 0:03:30.554 and George got married. Six weeks after your wedding, you 0:03:30.634 --> 0:03:34.194 found out you couldn't have children naturally and IVF was 0:03:34.234 --> 0:03:38.394 your only option. You had twenty three failed IVF attempts 0:03:38.474 --> 0:03:41.954 while trying to conceive, and you suffered an early miscarriage 0:03:41.994 --> 0:03:42.754 during this time. 0:03:43.114 --> 0:03:46.394 It was twenty three. But I got pregnant the third time, 0:03:46.474 --> 0:03:49.514 which was a miscarriage, and the seventeenth time, which was 0:03:49.554 --> 0:03:54.314 the twins triplets Steevie pregnancy that was the seventeenth and 0:03:54.354 --> 0:03:59.954 not again until the twenty third, which was Janie. So yeah, 0:03:59.514 --> 0:04:02.354 I felt pregnant. I suppose you could say three times 0:04:02.354 --> 0:04:04.674 in twenty three, three. 0:04:04.474 --> 0:04:05.674 Times in the twenty three. 0:04:06.594 --> 0:04:08.434 Yeah. 0:04:08.714 --> 0:04:11.874 You once said that you stopped counting your ivfs. Is 0:04:11.914 --> 0:04:13.234 that really true? Oh? 0:04:13.314 --> 0:04:16.074 Yeah, I mean you have to. I think sometimes you 0:04:16.194 --> 0:04:17.993 just have to stay in the most positive frame of 0:04:18.034 --> 0:04:23.433 mind possible. And for me, I just had to believe 0:04:23.633 --> 0:04:25.954 that success was in front of me. And if I 0:04:26.113 --> 0:04:29.313 referred to the amount of failure I'd had in terms 0:04:29.393 --> 0:04:31.633 of IBM in tense, I think it would have just 0:04:31.834 --> 0:04:35.073 robbed me of the world to keep going. So I 0:04:35.193 --> 0:04:37.594 just I sort of had a vague idea. And it's 0:04:37.633 --> 0:04:41.593 really funny because I was with my IVF doctor, my 0:04:41.834 --> 0:04:44.594 Greek Australian who has got the clinic athms that I 0:04:44.633 --> 0:04:48.234 got pregnant buyer. I was with him, having dinner with 0:04:48.274 --> 0:04:51.074 him last year. This is like a year or so 0:04:51.154 --> 0:04:53.794 after Jamie was born, and I said to him, I'm 0:04:53.794 --> 0:04:55.794 going to throw you a number, and I want you 0:04:55.834 --> 0:04:57.993 to tell me whether I might or not. And he 0:04:57.993 --> 0:04:59.914 said yeah, and I said twenty three and he said yeah, 0:04:59.953 --> 0:05:02.953 it was twenty three. So I only found out when 0:05:02.993 --> 0:05:06.953 I was well out of it, and you know, with 0:05:07.714 --> 0:05:11.394 my healthy baby, did I dare to actually find out 0:05:11.513 --> 0:05:13.753 what the amount was? And it was twenty three? 0:05:14.274 --> 0:05:18.873 When when did you first have an inkling that you 0:05:18.953 --> 0:05:20.513 were going to struggle to fell pregnant? 0:05:21.633 --> 0:05:23.753 Look like a lot of couples at the beginning, we 0:05:23.834 --> 0:05:26.113 just thought we'd go a bit sort of commando on 0:05:26.953 --> 0:05:27.713 the contraception. 0:05:28.073 --> 0:05:30.433 Had you ever tried to get pregnant before? Or George 0:05:30.513 --> 0:05:30.954 was the one? 0:05:31.193 --> 0:05:33.914 Oh no, no. We just said, okay, well we're going 0:05:33.953 --> 0:05:36.674 to get married. Let's just start from now, and then 0:05:36.993 --> 0:05:39.513 six months is always what they say to couples of 0:05:39.513 --> 0:05:41.513 a certain age, you know, I give it six months 0:05:41.553 --> 0:05:44.113 and then yeah, after we got married, I said, well, 0:05:44.234 --> 0:05:46.954 it hasn't happened yet. Maybe we need to investigate, and 0:05:46.953 --> 0:05:49.394 that's when a laparos to be revealed that I had 0:05:49.433 --> 0:05:50.154 blocked tubes. 0:05:50.393 --> 0:05:53.034 How old was then at that point? I was forty 0:05:54.034 --> 0:05:57.394 And you said that it's really scary to look at 0:05:57.393 --> 0:05:59.513 the graphs that they show you when you embark on 0:05:59.594 --> 0:06:02.153 IVF at age forty? What do those graphs look like? 0:06:02.834 --> 0:06:06.073 A horror movie? In my case and for many women 0:06:06.113 --> 0:06:08.113 at that age. Look, you don't want people to be 0:06:08.154 --> 0:06:11.674 having children when they're not ready, but you also want 0:06:11.714 --> 0:06:15.594 to help people be conscious of the fact that, you know, 0:06:16.073 --> 0:06:21.154 anyone who's struggled with fertility knows that equality diminishes rapidly 0:06:21.993 --> 0:06:25.474 after the age of thirty five, So at some point 0:06:25.513 --> 0:06:29.834 you're sort of praying for a miracle science. You know, 0:06:30.113 --> 0:06:32.394 there's never been a better time in history to have 0:06:32.513 --> 0:06:36.034 children if you struggle with having them naturally, than there 0:06:36.073 --> 0:06:40.833 is now. And you know, we've got the best scientists, doctors, 0:06:40.873 --> 0:06:47.993 information drugs, alternative medicine practitioners helping to make that happen. 0:06:48.834 --> 0:06:51.553 But the assumption that we can just have children is 0:06:52.753 --> 0:06:54.754 a little bit of a myth. Beyond the age of 0:06:54.834 --> 0:06:57.633 thirty five, I mean, you really got to start weighing 0:06:57.714 --> 0:07:00.954 up what your battle is at that point, and yeah, 0:07:00.953 --> 0:07:04.193 those graphs, I actually said to my IVF doctors, I 0:07:04.193 --> 0:07:05.713 don't need to see that graph. I know what it 0:07:05.753 --> 0:07:10.154 looks like. Time I switched doctors or or had they 0:07:10.194 --> 0:07:12.273 felt the need to have to refer to it, seeming 0:07:12.274 --> 0:07:14.794 as though I wasn't getting there. So it is pretty 0:07:14.834 --> 0:07:17.074 frightened reality. 0:07:17.354 --> 0:07:19.593 I was going to ask you about IVF clinics, and 0:07:19.794 --> 0:07:23.434 I've never had IVF myself, but I've come close and 0:07:24.154 --> 0:07:27.833 to needing it. Is there a sense that you say 0:07:27.834 --> 0:07:32.234 that they're very open and upfront about the chances of success, 0:07:32.474 --> 0:07:35.034 But at the same time, IVF is a business and 0:07:35.074 --> 0:07:37.793 it costs what each cycle costs about ten thousand dollars, 0:07:37.834 --> 0:07:38.154 does it? 0:07:38.314 --> 0:07:40.354 Yeah? When I started, it was about seven and the 0:07:40.393 --> 0:07:42.273 government helped out with some of it. But I think 0:07:42.314 --> 0:07:44.634 in reality it's probably closer to nine to ten now. 0:07:45.714 --> 0:07:47.714 And so no, you don't seem to get as much 0:07:47.754 --> 0:07:49.794 back as you used to. And there are terms and 0:07:49.834 --> 0:07:53.434 conditions in terms of who can who is eligible for 0:07:53.474 --> 0:07:54.794 that help from the government now. 0:07:54.994 --> 0:07:56.914 And I think when you're over a certain age, I 0:07:56.953 --> 0:07:58.874 don't know if it's forty or maybe forty one or 0:07:58.874 --> 0:08:01.514 forty two, I think that you don't get anything back, 0:08:01.594 --> 0:08:04.114 or you get a lot less back. That's true, But 0:08:04.393 --> 0:08:06.674 is there a sense that anyone sits you down and 0:08:06.714 --> 0:08:11.114 says from the clinic and says, you know what, you're 0:08:11.114 --> 0:08:11.914 wasting your money. 0:08:12.034 --> 0:08:16.954 They don't like to be emotionally responsible for the result, 0:08:17.594 --> 0:08:19.794 They don't fit you with too much hope, but that 0:08:20.794 --> 0:08:25.474 they don't speak very negatively about it either. They just say, Okay, 0:08:25.634 --> 0:08:28.074 here is the graph, this is the reality. We're going 0:08:28.114 --> 0:08:30.994 to do everything we can to make it happen at 0:08:31.034 --> 0:08:33.754 some point. Though as much as I would like to 0:08:33.794 --> 0:08:38.994 think that doctors and staff of these places are responsible 0:08:39.314 --> 0:08:41.994 for decisions that we make, you have to, whether you 0:08:42.114 --> 0:08:46.034 like it or not, get proactive in terms of accepting 0:08:46.114 --> 0:08:49.914 responsibility for the fact that the chances aren't great, the 0:08:49.954 --> 0:08:55.234 cost is, and that how much do you tolerate before 0:08:55.274 --> 0:09:00.154 you look to a better chance at something? And as 0:09:00.194 --> 0:09:03.794 you know, I did fifteen ibfs in Australia and then 0:09:03.994 --> 0:09:09.314 came to the conclusion, you know, merely because of necessity 0:09:09.354 --> 0:09:11.354 and because of pain, that I had to look at 0:09:11.434 --> 0:09:13.874 donor Egg as an option. And I wish I knew 0:09:14.314 --> 0:09:19.194 ten goes before that that was an option for me 0:09:19.714 --> 0:09:22.554 that I could handle. I think I kept thinking, I 0:09:22.594 --> 0:09:24.514 know it sort of vaguely that I can go to 0:09:24.554 --> 0:09:27.994 that eventually, But I think I wish i'd known earlier 0:09:28.034 --> 0:09:30.674 that it was actually the best option on every level. 0:09:32.034 --> 0:09:34.394 When did it first? When did it first come up? 0:09:34.394 --> 0:09:36.394 And why do you think it didn't come up earlier? 0:09:38.514 --> 0:09:41.234 It sort of got brought up sort of loosely, maybe 0:09:41.314 --> 0:09:45.394 from other IVF you know, want to be mothers. I 0:09:45.394 --> 0:09:48.034 don't know whether I heard it from doctors very much. 0:09:48.274 --> 0:09:51.154 One did tell me on the phone, but he said it. 0:09:51.354 --> 0:09:53.034 He was a Greek, and he did say it in 0:09:53.114 --> 0:09:56.714 quite a brutal, you know, blunt maybe not brutal, but 0:09:56.834 --> 0:10:00.274 blunt way, and he said, you want a baby in 0:10:00.274 --> 0:10:05.514 a cot donor eggs? In other words, what are you doing? 0:10:05.594 --> 0:10:10.274 Are you trying to to have a baby or you 0:10:10.394 --> 0:10:12.274 trying to prove something to your body that your body 0:10:12.274 --> 0:10:14.794 can't deliver on, which is to work with what it's got. 0:10:14.834 --> 0:10:18.194 And he was right, and that was something that I 0:10:18.194 --> 0:10:22.194 couldn't handle right in those months. But then my next 0:10:22.234 --> 0:10:25.394 IVF doctor was very gentle in how he brought it up, 0:10:25.434 --> 0:10:28.434 and he just said, Mary, this is at this point 0:10:28.474 --> 0:10:31.034 your only option if you want to have the baby yourself, 0:10:31.954 --> 0:10:35.874 and then he put me on to the doctors that 0:10:35.914 --> 0:10:40.274 set it up with Greece. So you know, there are 0:10:40.314 --> 0:10:45.994 many privileges in having some public influence and attention. And 0:10:46.034 --> 0:10:50.194 I hope that my story, you know, makes the donor 0:10:50.234 --> 0:10:54.274 egue thing something that women are considering a lot earlier, 0:10:54.394 --> 0:10:56.754 rather than going through what I went through, which was 0:10:57.954 --> 0:11:00.914 you know, attempt or attempt and banging my head up 0:11:00.914 --> 0:11:04.234 against a brick wall of failure over and over. Because 0:11:04.354 --> 0:11:10.954 the reality is, there is something so spiritually uplifting in 0:11:11.074 --> 0:11:13.474 knowing that you know, you don't have to depend on 0:11:13.514 --> 0:11:17.674 your own body. There is a liberation in saying that 0:11:17.794 --> 0:11:19.314 I can do this, I just need a little bit 0:11:19.354 --> 0:11:23.434 of help. There's something really brave and liberating about that. 0:11:23.754 --> 0:11:27.634 And there's something fantastic about somebody saying, I know you 0:11:27.674 --> 0:11:30.354 can't get there, but I'll give you what you need 0:11:30.474 --> 0:11:32.954 in order to. I mean, it does take advantage, and 0:11:32.994 --> 0:11:35.794 nothing proves that more than you know, like the donor 0:11:35.954 --> 0:11:41.074 aspect of either sperm or egg in order for other 0:11:41.074 --> 0:11:43.954 people to have their family and live their dream. So 0:11:44.234 --> 0:11:46.554 you know, it's a great it's a great thing to 0:11:46.594 --> 0:11:49.034 offer somebody, and it's a great thing to accept when 0:11:49.074 --> 0:11:50.754 your body can't deliver for you. 0:11:50.754 --> 0:11:52.874 You aren't the first. I mean, donor eggs have been 0:11:52.994 --> 0:11:56.034 used by people for a long time, including a lot 0:11:56.034 --> 0:11:59.274 of people in the public eye, but you're the first 0:11:59.314 --> 0:12:03.434 person that I can think of who's admitted it. And 0:12:03.714 --> 0:12:06.034 I know that I've spoken to a lot of obstitutions 0:12:06.034 --> 0:12:09.274 who throw their hands up in frustration at the number 0:12:09.314 --> 0:12:13.154 of celebrities, particularly in the States, who have these miracle pregnancies, 0:12:13.234 --> 0:12:18.074 often twins at age forty seven, forty eight, forty nine. 0:12:18.714 --> 0:12:22.754 And the doctors say, well, quite obviously they would don't eggs, 0:12:23.114 --> 0:12:25.474 but the celebrity will never say that. So do you 0:12:25.554 --> 0:12:28.634 think it gives false hope to a generation of women? 0:12:28.914 --> 0:12:32.674 Definitely? And you know, look, I understand everyone has they're 0:12:32.674 --> 0:12:36.274 trying to protect somebody. My mother, for instance, in the 0:12:36.274 --> 0:12:40.154 Greek culture, she would prefer all the Greeks not known. 0:12:40.754 --> 0:12:43.354 You know, certain generations look at it differently. I think 0:12:43.354 --> 0:12:46.674 that's definitely changing now with these generations. And you know, 0:12:47.674 --> 0:12:50.154 but for me, holding onto a secret is so much 0:12:50.194 --> 0:12:54.554 harder than just being transparent. And I you know, you 0:12:54.594 --> 0:12:58.074 do get sold myths in life constantly. You get sold 0:12:58.074 --> 0:12:59.834 the myth that if you're beautiful and trimmed, then you're 0:12:59.874 --> 0:13:02.674 going to have a happy, you know, prosperous life. You 0:13:02.714 --> 0:13:05.434 get sold the myth that you know, if you get married, 0:13:05.474 --> 0:13:09.634 then you'll live together, you know, forever. And you know, 0:13:10.154 --> 0:13:16.034 we're into perpetuating myths or slash dreams or fantasies publicly 0:13:16.114 --> 0:13:18.674 because we all want to aspire to something. But then 0:13:19.074 --> 0:13:22.074 I always felt that it was my job to spew 0:13:22.114 --> 0:13:25.394 out the reality of you know, this myth. But I 0:13:25.594 --> 0:13:29.434 sort of felt that it was my responsibility to myself 0:13:29.834 --> 0:13:32.634 first and foremost, and then to other people like me, 0:13:32.794 --> 0:13:35.074 which I know that there are so many that need 0:13:35.114 --> 0:13:38.274 to know the how, and you know, we don't often 0:13:38.314 --> 0:13:41.034 talk about the how. We talk about the what, and 0:13:41.114 --> 0:13:43.154 so I just felt like for me, I needed to 0:13:43.194 --> 0:13:46.554 say it. My daughter will know, and you know, I 0:13:46.634 --> 0:13:50.514 want the world to know that this is how. And 0:13:50.674 --> 0:13:53.554 I wish I'd known how sooner. I wish there was 0:13:53.594 --> 0:13:56.554 another me that made it so public that it was unavoidable, 0:13:57.314 --> 0:13:59.794 so that I went, yeah, okay, I'm going to do that. 0:14:01.154 --> 0:14:04.274 But you know, no regrets. I you know, I wouldn't 0:14:04.274 --> 0:14:07.714 have written my book. I wouldn't have, you know, had 0:14:07.714 --> 0:14:10.314 the child that I've currently got. A best friend of 0:14:10.314 --> 0:14:12.594 mine is to say, you'll know why you waited so 0:14:12.714 --> 0:14:16.794 long for this child when you meet who that child is. 0:14:17.114 --> 0:14:21.314 And I wouldn't want a different personality than you know, 0:14:21.754 --> 0:14:24.154 the child that I've got. So I'm very, very grateful. 0:14:30.354 --> 0:14:34.314 After all of those years of struggling and striving and 0:14:34.354 --> 0:14:37.914 wanting desperately to be pregnant and weighing on sticks and 0:14:37.954 --> 0:14:42.354 only seeing one line, you finally did become pregnant, and 0:14:42.394 --> 0:14:46.434 at the seven week culture sound you discovered you were 0:14:46.434 --> 0:14:49.874 carrying twins. What did that moment feel like? 0:14:51.114 --> 0:14:54.034 Well, I just felt like I got everything that I 0:14:54.074 --> 0:14:57.314 wanted in one pregnancy, which was a child and sibling. 0:14:57.434 --> 0:15:00.474 And if I had contemplated twins the very first time 0:15:00.514 --> 0:15:04.914 I did IVF, you know, seventeen attempts earlier than that, 0:15:05.354 --> 0:15:07.674 I think I would have been you know, Petro. But 0:15:07.754 --> 0:15:09.834 after trying for so long, I felt like I was 0:15:09.914 --> 0:15:12.754 running out of time, And it proved to me the 0:15:12.794 --> 0:15:15.954 longer I tried how much I wanted it that you know, 0:15:15.954 --> 0:15:19.114 I've got the sibling and the child in the one pregnancy, 0:15:19.194 --> 0:15:20.074 and I was thrilled. 0:15:20.474 --> 0:15:24.674 So you had two glorious weeks of that feeling thing said. 0:15:24.474 --> 0:15:28.314 That I was bleeding a lot during those two weeks, 0:15:28.354 --> 0:15:30.874 So it was still a false economy as far as 0:15:30.914 --> 0:15:33.754 I was concerned, because I had, you know, and when 0:15:33.794 --> 0:15:36.114 you bleed and you're pregnant, there's nothing that implies that 0:15:36.194 --> 0:15:40.474 that's good UNI. So I was ecstatic and sort of 0:15:40.514 --> 0:15:43.514 a little petrified at the same time, not of the twins, 0:15:43.634 --> 0:15:45.594 but of the fact that I was bleeding. Apparently fifty 0:15:45.634 --> 0:15:46.994 percent of pregnant women bleed. 0:15:47.114 --> 0:15:48.794 It's common, but it's terrifying. 0:15:49.794 --> 0:15:53.114 It's a comforting fact for blood under any circumstances is 0:15:53.114 --> 0:15:54.474 a negative symbol. 0:15:54.554 --> 0:15:56.474 When you're trying to get pregnant, it certainly is, or 0:15:56.514 --> 0:16:00.114 trying to maintain a pregnancy. At that nine week culture sound, 0:16:00.714 --> 0:16:02.554 tell me what happened then, Well. 0:16:02.394 --> 0:16:03.594 I thought it was going to be the same as 0:16:03.594 --> 0:16:05.474 the other one. I just thought, you know, I will 0:16:05.554 --> 0:16:08.314 just see that they've grown and it's all good. And 0:16:08.674 --> 0:16:10.754 being aware of the fact that I've never made any 0:16:10.754 --> 0:16:15.714 assumptions that things should go, you know, in a predictable fashion. 0:16:15.794 --> 0:16:18.994 Nothing in my history had implied that. But you know, 0:16:19.194 --> 0:16:21.874 I was in a positive space, even though I was 0:16:21.914 --> 0:16:24.114 sort of scared of the blood. But I certainly did 0:16:24.154 --> 0:16:26.434 not expect to hear what I did, And it was 0:16:26.474 --> 0:16:29.194 the way my doctor told me that I knew that 0:16:29.234 --> 0:16:31.874 there was a problem because he sort of went silent, 0:16:32.234 --> 0:16:35.194 and I'm like, well, that's a you know, I know 0:16:35.314 --> 0:16:39.114 that he's spotted heartbeat, so that wasn't the issue. But 0:16:39.354 --> 0:16:41.994 one of the eggs that split into two, and he 0:16:42.074 --> 0:16:45.074 wasn't able to see that on the ultrasound two weeks earlier. 0:16:45.154 --> 0:16:47.754 But it was very obvious now that I was pregnant 0:16:47.754 --> 0:16:50.914 with triplets, and I could tell from his face that 0:16:50.954 --> 0:16:53.994 this was not good news because suddenly now the risks 0:16:54.034 --> 0:16:58.354 for all four of us were really high. So together 0:16:58.594 --> 0:17:01.194 he just said get dressed. I mean, I just my 0:17:01.394 --> 0:17:05.273 heart sunk. It was the last thing I was expecting 0:17:05.314 --> 0:17:10.634 to hear. In that tiny breath of a moment, I thought, 0:17:10.793 --> 0:17:14.474 oh my god, I'm rocky. There's nothing I can do. 0:17:14.834 --> 0:17:17.874 Check this body out. I am abundantly pregnant. 0:17:18.274 --> 0:17:21.834 Abundantly pregnant. What a great term. 0:17:22.274 --> 0:17:25.314 And you know, he was someone that couldn't get pregnant 0:17:25.514 --> 0:17:27.954 no matter what I did, And suddenly, you know, I 0:17:27.994 --> 0:17:31.674 was overflowing with exactly. And then he said, I need 0:17:31.674 --> 0:17:33.674 you to get dressed. We need to have a conversation. 0:17:34.194 --> 0:17:36.314 And I was like starting panic now at this point, 0:17:36.954 --> 0:17:38.954 and then he sat down and he said this is 0:17:38.954 --> 0:17:42.394 the reality and went through it. And then I spoke 0:17:42.434 --> 0:17:46.394 to four other doctors separately, and they all concluded that 0:17:46.514 --> 0:17:52.194 in order for one child to survive, we needed to 0:17:52.554 --> 0:17:55.554 reduce the twins because the egg has split into two 0:17:55.634 --> 0:17:57.754 and they were in the one they were in the 0:17:57.794 --> 0:18:03.714 one unit, so they were robbing each other, they were 0:18:03.754 --> 0:18:09.234 sabotaging each other, and meanwhile they were risking the singleton. 0:18:10.274 --> 0:18:13.033 So and then how do you go from you know, 0:18:13.234 --> 0:18:17.194 finally getting there to having to look at a reduction, 0:18:17.274 --> 0:18:20.914 which is a very politically correct way of saying mortion. 0:18:22.394 --> 0:18:24.674 And time was running out because it had to happen 0:18:25.154 --> 0:18:28.833 before a certain point in the pregnancy. So we were 0:18:28.834 --> 0:18:30.994 coming up to the eleven week mark and we needed 0:18:31.034 --> 0:18:35.434 to make a decision. So we had a million conversations 0:18:35.474 --> 0:18:38.594 and you know, sleepless nights, and made the hardest decision 0:18:38.634 --> 0:18:41.194 of our lives, and that was to reduce the twins. 0:18:41.754 --> 0:18:45.234 And that was a whole other thing in itself, because 0:18:45.794 --> 0:18:50.074 what they proposed was that they reduced one and because 0:18:50.074 --> 0:18:53.434 they're sharing the same utilities, that that would then affect 0:18:53.474 --> 0:18:55.874 the other, so we wouldn't have to reduce both. But 0:18:56.714 --> 0:18:59.554 you know, they would reduce one, and therefore the other 0:18:59.594 --> 0:19:06.353 one would, as a consequence, also not survive. And so 0:19:06.434 --> 0:19:08.954 that happened, and I was crying so much I couldn't 0:19:08.994 --> 0:19:10.674 keep still, So then they had to keep me still. 0:19:10.714 --> 0:19:13.474 And so that happened on the one day, and then 0:19:13.514 --> 0:19:16.434 the day after that, I went back into check and 0:19:16.514 --> 0:19:19.033 the other one hadn't been reduced, so I had to 0:19:19.034 --> 0:19:19.834 go through it again. 0:19:20.714 --> 0:19:24.754 Marriage. For people who don't understand, I mean, I imagine 0:19:24.754 --> 0:19:28.794 you'd never heard of even the idea of selective reduction 0:19:28.994 --> 0:19:34.754 or reduction. For those who don't understand what the process 0:19:34.754 --> 0:19:38.114 involves without going into too much personal detail, for you 0:19:38.154 --> 0:19:42.874 and only what you're comfortable with, the baby's not actually 0:19:42.874 --> 0:19:46.514 removed from your body? Is it during that process? 0:19:46.674 --> 0:19:53.474 No, there is an injection which happens which therefore reduces that. 0:19:53.634 --> 0:19:57.994 You know, it's not physically removed, removed, it is terminated. 0:19:58.754 --> 0:20:00.553 How do you do that? How do you lie on 0:20:00.594 --> 0:20:03.274 that on that How do you walk into that room 0:20:03.434 --> 0:20:05.914 and lie on that table knowing what you have to do? 0:20:06.674 --> 0:20:10.834 Well, you feel like you're in a torture chamber. You 0:20:10.874 --> 0:20:13.234 know that you feel like for a moment, the dreams 0:20:13.314 --> 0:20:17.354 become the worst nightmare you could ever imagine, and you 0:20:17.514 --> 0:20:23.074 cannot with any logic understand you know what's happened or 0:20:24.074 --> 0:20:27.874 why this is happening, and yet you know you are 0:20:28.474 --> 0:20:33.034 I didn't go into either the IVF world or wanting 0:20:33.074 --> 0:20:35.714 to become a mother to give birth to children that 0:20:36.074 --> 0:20:42.674 were unable to experience life in the way that you 0:20:42.714 --> 0:20:48.754 would hope, and because of my size, there was no 0:20:48.954 --> 0:20:52.114 way I would be able to carry that pregnancy out. 0:20:52.354 --> 0:20:57.194 Separate to that, the twins were, in turn because of 0:20:57.234 --> 0:21:05.154 twinter twin transfusion, being high risk of sabotaging their own 0:21:05.194 --> 0:21:09.394 growth and well being. Oh my god, I mean, this 0:21:09.474 --> 0:21:14.754 is the stuff. And going to this what is what 0:21:14.794 --> 0:21:17.273 you think is a movie because you know it cannot 0:21:17.274 --> 0:21:23.594 be happening. It was horrific. And then the moment when 0:21:23.594 --> 0:21:27.794 I went home after the second day of this, I 0:21:27.834 --> 0:21:31.234 felt a big I was with a friend and I 0:21:31.314 --> 0:21:36.954 felt this liquid coming out of me. That was a 0:21:37.314 --> 0:21:41.834 major and I thought I was miscarrying the third because 0:21:41.874 --> 0:21:47.114 there are risks and I hadn't and I spent prior 0:21:47.154 --> 0:21:49.154 to all of this, I was still racing to my 0:21:49.194 --> 0:21:52.434 obstetrician's office two or three times a week, thinking I 0:21:52.474 --> 0:21:56.434 was miscarrying because of the level of blood prior to 0:21:56.514 --> 0:22:00.833 the reductions. And then yeah, then I raced to the 0:22:00.834 --> 0:22:04.234 hospital to see my doctor and he put the uldrasent 0:22:04.274 --> 0:22:07.154 on and said, no, everything's fine. That was that the 0:22:07.234 --> 0:22:10.273 eleventh twelfth week mark. At the nineteen week mark, we 0:22:10.394 --> 0:22:14.834 found out that the child that was the singleton, that 0:22:15.034 --> 0:22:16.754 was still the one that we. 0:22:16.634 --> 0:22:18.354 Were trying to protect, Stevie. 0:22:19.594 --> 0:22:23.714 Stevie was a girl, and we were thrilled. And two 0:22:23.714 --> 0:22:27.594 weeks after that, the blood continued all throughout from the 0:22:27.634 --> 0:22:30.714 eleven weeks, from the very beginning, all the way until 0:22:30.834 --> 0:22:37.114 my waters broke at twenty one weeks and then I 0:22:37.114 --> 0:22:39.234 don't know how, but I didn't go into labor for 0:22:39.274 --> 0:22:42.314