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Speaker 1: You're listening to a Mother Mer podcast.

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Speaker 2: Muma Mer acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and waters.

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Speaker 2: This podcast is recorded on. This episode deals with a

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Speaker 2: number of sensitive topics, including grief, pregnancy issues, and postnatal depression.

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Speaker 2: Listener discretion is advised. There are some love stories that

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Speaker 2: from day one just tug on the old heart strings.

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Speaker 2: Nothing crazy, nothing dramatic, just old fashioned boy meets girl,

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Speaker 2: they fall in love.

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Speaker 3: And the rest is history.

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Speaker 1: I didn't really know what love was. I didn't understand it,

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Speaker 1: but I knew there was something, and honestly, from that

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Speaker 1: first meeting, that was it. We fell madly in love.

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Speaker 1: From that moment, I believed and I knew that I

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Speaker 1: was living a fairy tale.

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Speaker 2: But the thing with fairy tales is we never get

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Speaker 2: the whole story. Is there really such thing as happily

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Speaker 2: ever after forever?

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Speaker 1: I do remember thinking it's too good to be true,

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Speaker 1: and so I did have this in the back of

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Speaker 1: my mind, and I would often think to myself, don't

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Speaker 1: get too caught up in the fairy tale ash because

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Speaker 1: it's too good.

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Speaker 2: I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an eggs.

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Speaker 2: Come with me as we dive into a collection of

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Speaker 2: unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the

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Speaker 2: hearts of the very people who lived them. The year

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Speaker 2: was two thousand and eight, actually was just seventeen, and

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Speaker 2: the way you met boys back then was a little

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Speaker 2: different to now, but the way she met Matt was

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Speaker 2: different even for then.

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Speaker 1: I had lost my grandfather to Leakemia, and that was

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Speaker 1: actually my first experience with death, so I really struggled

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Speaker 1: with that, and I decided to do some work with

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Speaker 1: the Lakemia Foundation, and they have a really beautiful annual

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Speaker 1: event called Light the Night, where each city hosts an

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Speaker 1: event where you have beautiful lanterns and you do a

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Speaker 1: city walk at sort of twilight, and different colored balloons

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Speaker 1: represent whether you're honoring someone or remembering someone, or if

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Speaker 1: you're a survivor. So I signed up to that event,

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Speaker 1: and I didn't realize at the time that I was

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Speaker 1: actually the youngest person to register for that event. So

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Speaker 1: the local newspaper contacted me on behalf of the Leukemia

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Speaker 1: Foundation and said, we'd just love to share the reason

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Speaker 1: that you signed up to this event so that it

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Speaker 1: might inspire others to join. And I just said, oh, sure,

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Speaker 1: I'm happy too, and did that interview and gave a photograph,

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Speaker 1: and I didn't think much of it. And then I

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Speaker 1: remember the morning that that newspaper was published, and my

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Speaker 1: dad walked in to the room and he just held

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Speaker 1: up this paper and he said, oh my god, you

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Speaker 1: are on the front page of the newspaper. And I

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Speaker 1: was a bit mortified at seventeen years old. But what

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Speaker 1: I didn't realize was that a few days later Matt

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Speaker 1: would see that newspaper. His mum just happened to pick

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Speaker 1: up the newspaper that day and he happened to see it.

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Speaker 1: And from there he added me on Facebook. Sorry, he

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Speaker 1: added me on MySpace because Facebook wasn't even a thing yet.

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Speaker 1: He sent me a message and said, I think we

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Speaker 1: should catch up. And in my head, I'm going read alert,

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Speaker 1: read alert, absolutely not stranger danger, And I knew nothing

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Speaker 1: about him. Complete strangers, no mutual friends, know nothing. There

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Speaker 1: were a few back and forward messages and eventually I said.

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Speaker 2: Yes, So, still a high school student, actually went to

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Speaker 2: meet this twenty year old stranger at a cafe in town.

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Speaker 1: I saw this tall, handsome guy, really well built, clearly athletic.

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Speaker 1: He started telling me that he was really into cricket,

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Speaker 1: and we had to meet late because he had cricket

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Speaker 1: training first, so that was the priority, and I knew

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Speaker 1: nothing about cricket. I was like, okay, I've got nothing here.

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Speaker 1: I'm a ballerina. You play cricket like we are, so

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Speaker 1: world's apart. And so that's all I knew of him.

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Speaker 1: Was just that first meeting. We met up for the

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Speaker 1: first time, and I think we were talking NonStop for

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Speaker 1: about four hours straight. And it was a school night

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Speaker 1: and I went, I've got to get home, like I'm

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Speaker 1: still in grade twelve, and that was our first meeting,

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Speaker 1: and it was just so easy, and that moment was

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Speaker 1: just this feeling of I really like this guy. There's

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Speaker 1: something about him that is just truly special. I don't

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Speaker 1: know what it is, and I'd never really experienced that

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Speaker 1: because I was only seventeen, so I didn't really know

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Speaker 1: what love was. I didn't understand it, but I knew

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Speaker 1: there was something. And honestly, from that first meeting, that

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Speaker 1: was it. The first kiss happened on that first meeting

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Speaker 1: that was prompted by me, and I just felt like,

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Speaker 1: there's something wonderful about this guy. There was just this

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Speaker 1: instant connection and instant safety and happiness. I think we

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Speaker 1: only had maybe two or three dates until we made

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Speaker 1: it official, and I remember him asking me to be

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Speaker 1: his girlfriend, and it was an instant yes. It was like, well, obviously,

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Speaker 1: it felt like the obvious step, like of course we

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Speaker 1: were going to start dating and of course were going

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Speaker 1: to be official. We didn't think we had anything in common,

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Speaker 1: but then after meeting, we then made our life in common.

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Speaker 1: So I chose to learn about cricket and you know,

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Speaker 1: he appreciated ballet, and we appreciated each other's interests without

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Speaker 1: ever hijacking or feeling that we needed to truly be

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Speaker 1: part of that world. For me, it was very much

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Speaker 1: around cricket's your thing, and I'll support you, but like

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Speaker 1: you do you and vice versa. So we never had

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Speaker 1: to really find commonalities because we just created new ones together.

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Speaker 1: I think officially I said I love you at around

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Speaker 1: six months I'd already been feeling it for a long time,

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Speaker 1: and Matt said the same. He said, well, I love

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Speaker 1: you too, and that was it. It was just like

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Speaker 1: sort of this obvious statement that we just finally said

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Speaker 1: out loud.

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Speaker 2: That was that a young, happy, easy love, but that

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Speaker 2: would make this a pretty short story, so let's delve

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Speaker 2: into how these budding young romance progressed.

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Speaker 1: Because I was seventeen and just finishing school. The first

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Speaker 1: year was I was first year UNI. He was also

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Speaker 1: in UNI, so we had completely random timetables through the day,

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Speaker 1: and so there was a lot of just catching up

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Speaker 1: when we could. You know, often, like Friday nights through

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Speaker 1: to the weekend was sort of more formal time together

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Speaker 1: and you know, actually arranging a proper date or a

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Speaker 1: proper catch up with friends. But during the week we

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Speaker 1: did have some time during classes where we could see

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Speaker 1: each other or have a quick coffee or something like that.

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Speaker 1: So it was very much just finding those little pieces

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Speaker 1: of time to see each other. Sometimes that meant a

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Speaker 1: drive by kiss, and so literally Matt would call and say,

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Speaker 1: I'm driving home from UNI, but I've got to get home,

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Speaker 1: usually for cricket training. But I'm driving past your house

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Speaker 1: and I've got about two minutes. So it was worth

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Speaker 1: it to just see him for two minutes. And I

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Speaker 1: remember he would pull up at the house. He wouldn't

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Speaker 1: even open the door he come in. He would literally

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Speaker 1: just stay in the car and I'd run downstairs give

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Speaker 1: him a kiss. And off he'd go to cricket training

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Speaker 1: and all of these little micro moments which we just

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Speaker 1: made work. And we just wanted to see each other,

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Speaker 1: so we made the effort. And was it a detour, sure,

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Speaker 1: but two minutes was better than nothing. He made me

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Speaker 1: feel loved. He made me feel that together we were unstoppable,

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Speaker 1: but that as an individual, I was also unstoppable. So

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Speaker 1: he gave me such a self belief that I didn't

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Speaker 1: really believe in myself. Do you hear stories that relationships

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Speaker 1: can be hard work and that you've got to, you know,

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Speaker 1: show up for each other. And I never felt that

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Speaker 1: I felt happy. I felt safe because I was, and

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Speaker 1: I just I never you know, I constantly lived on

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Speaker 1: cloud nine. And it feels a little bit naive to

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Speaker 1: think that life is like that, but I was in

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Speaker 1: this complete fairy tale every day, whether it be going

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Speaker 1: to the beach, going to the movies, you know, it's

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Speaker 1: going to lunch. Often it was very mundane, normal things.

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Speaker 1: We weren't doing anything extravagant. We weren't even trying to

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Speaker 1: impress each other by paying for a beautiful lunch or

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Speaker 1: going on a holiday. It was we actually newly just

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Speaker 1: wanted to be together and if that meant doing the

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Speaker 1: grocery shopping, so be it. There was never any feeling

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Speaker 1: of pressure that we had to do anything. A lot

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Speaker 1: of that came down to even moments, like Matt did

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Speaker 1: a lot of work in regional Queensland and there were

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Speaker 1: opportunities at times for me to just travel with him,

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Speaker 1: and so there would be I remember a particular series

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Speaker 1: of weekends where he was doing these clinics about probably

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Speaker 1: four hour drive from Brisbane on the weekend. I mean, well,

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Speaker 1: I work Monday to Friday, so I won't then see

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Speaker 1: you on the weekend. So then I just decided to

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Speaker 1: go with him, and so it just meant sitting in

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Speaker 1: the car for four hours and then we would arrive,

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Speaker 1: he would work and I would just sit in a

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Speaker 1: cafe on my laptop working as well. But then we

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Speaker 1: got four hours together because we just wanted to be together.

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Speaker 1: And a lot of people thought, oh, that's crazy, then

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Speaker 1: you've lost your weekend. Absolutely not, I've just gained eight

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Speaker 1: hours in the car. So it was really simple stuff.

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Speaker 1: Nothing I said, nothing extravagant, just genuinely being together. We

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Speaker 1: never rushed anything because we never felt we needed to,

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Speaker 1: and so there was just this really organic life that

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Speaker 1: we had. I then moved out, and despite Matt living

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Speaker 1: at home, he thought it would be really good for

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Speaker 1: me to move out with a friend first. And he

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Speaker 1: just said, I just think that you need that. I

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Speaker 1: think that would be really great for you. And I

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Speaker 1: was like, yeah, great idea. He was still living at

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Speaker 1: home and we just continued life. Because we met so young,

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Speaker 1: we were often spending a lot of time together in

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Speaker 1: our family homes, and so Matt's family welcomed me with

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Speaker 1: open arms and my family the same. So I often

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Speaker 1: laughed because I always felt like Matt and my sister

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Speaker 1: got along so well. And I used to joke, I'm like,

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Speaker 1: am I the third wheel here? Because you guys are

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Speaker 1: like really besties? And that was really beautiful for me.

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Speaker 1: I am, you know, that protective big sister. And to

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Speaker 1: see that my boyfriend and sister get along so beautifully

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Speaker 1: just meant a lot to me. And so that was

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Speaker 1: always really special. And to know that Matt was now

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Speaker 1: already even in those early days, he was just part

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Speaker 1: of our family, and really my family just sort of

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Speaker 1: adopted this sort of no brainer approach, like, well, of course,

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Speaker 1: he's part of our family, and that happened really early,

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Speaker 1: so again that was another feeling of well, this is

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Speaker 1: just meant to be. There was never any doubt in

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Speaker 1: my mind that we would be together forever.

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Speaker 2: By the time they'd both finished UNI and got jobs,

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Speaker 2: the next step was natural.

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Speaker 1: We decided to move in together. I would say it

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Speaker 1: was only three months later that we then said, let's

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Speaker 1: buy a house. So, yeah, we've done this living together,

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Speaker 1: so we can sort of tick that off and now

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Speaker 1: we can buy a house. And that's when we started

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Speaker 1: looking for a house. That was like a really big decision.

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Speaker 1: We also felt buying a house is a lot more

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Speaker 1: serious than marriage at times, and so you know, big commitment.

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Speaker 1: Any so, it was just confirmation of our relationship and

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Speaker 1: that next step which felt super organic to us. And

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Speaker 1: so that was the moment when I felt a bit

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Speaker 1: more like an adult. I was twenty three when we

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Speaker 1: bought our home, and yeah, that just felt so right

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Speaker 1: for us. We put offers on one, we missed out

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Speaker 1: due to you know, developers just offering cash that we

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Speaker 1: could have never competed with, and then you know, we

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Speaker 1: missed out on the second one. And then I was

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Speaker 1: actually traveling for work, so I was in Fiji at

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Speaker 1: the time, and Matt called me and he said, I

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Speaker 1: found it. I found the one. I said, okay, well

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Speaker 1: that's great, but I'm away so I can't see it.

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Speaker 1: He said, yeah, yeah, I think we can wait. I

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Speaker 1: think I can draw it out for a day. So

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Speaker 1: I said okay, So arrived back. Matt picked me up

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Speaker 1: from the airport. We drove past the house and he said,

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Speaker 1: I've got to show you the house. So well, it's nighttime,

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Speaker 1: I can't see anything, but sure, we'll drive past the house.

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Speaker 1: And we pulled up in front of the house and

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Speaker 1: he said, this is it. This is the one. And

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Speaker 1: I looked at him and I got emotional, like I

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Speaker 1: am now, and I said, this is our family home.

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Speaker 1: And we just knew. I hadn't even been in it yet,

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Speaker 1: we just knew it was the one. And so the

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Speaker 1: next morning I had a quick inspection for all of

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Speaker 1: ten minutes, and we put the offer in and we

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Speaker 1: got it. I had these moments at multiple times in

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Speaker 1: our relationship where I just would pinch myself and go,

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Speaker 1: is this real? This relationship is so beautiful and so perfect,

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Speaker 1: and everything's just falling into place so beautifully. So I

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Speaker 1: would always feel so much gratitude that I got to

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Speaker 1: have this love and be in this love. And then

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Speaker 1: I also had the I guess, the awareness to also

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Speaker 1: sit back and appreciate it and say, wow, not everyone

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Speaker 1: gets this, How lucky am I to experience this? Living

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Speaker 1: together felt exactly the same. It was so easy. We

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Speaker 1: just moved in and it just felt right. It was

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Speaker 1: just what was always meant to happen. And you know,

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Speaker 1: even though it took a few years for us to

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Speaker 1: do it, when we did move in, it was the

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Speaker 1: perfect time and it felt like it was exactly how

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Speaker 1: it was meant to be.

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Speaker 3: So, dear listener, can you guess what happened next?

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Speaker 1: Two years later, Matt took me back to the spot

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Speaker 1: that we met for the first time. He had told

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Speaker 1: me that we were actually having group dinner with some friends.

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Speaker 1: So I told Matt, oh, I'm getting my nails done

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Speaker 1: and so I'll just meet you at the restaurant later,

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Speaker 1: and he said, yeah, yeah, perfect, I'll see you there.

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Speaker 1: I arrived and I remember seeing him and it actually

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Speaker 1: just recently had a shoulder injury, so he was meant

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Speaker 1: to be wearing a sling and he didn't have it on.

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Speaker 1: I thought, Oh, it's weird. And I arrived and I

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Speaker 1: said to him, I said, where's your sling? Like you

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Speaker 1: meant to be wearing that at all times. He said,

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Speaker 1: it doesn't matter. Yeah, it kind of does, and then

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Speaker 1: you know, I basically blinked and he was on one knee.

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Speaker 1: And the most beautiful thing was that it was where

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Speaker 1: we first met, basically within an inch. He made sure

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Speaker 1: that we were in the exact same spot and nothing

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Speaker 1: extravagant and absolutely perfect at the same time, because it

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Speaker 1: was us. The wedding was so much fun to plan.

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Speaker 1: We just really enjoyed it. We wanted one venue and

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Speaker 1: we just wanted people to have fun, so it was

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Speaker 1: really important to us that we keep it light. We

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Speaker 1: deliberately planned the ceremony to be quite personal, and we

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Speaker 1: shared a lot of stories, some of which our guests

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Speaker 1: had never heard of before, so that was really nice

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Speaker 1: to share those little surprises with them. But we deliberately

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Speaker 1: had our ceremony very very personal and very intimate, which

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Speaker 1: was lovely. And then we had a table tennis table

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Speaker 1: at the reception and we just had it at a

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Speaker 1: venue that also has mini golf. We're like, go and

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Speaker 1: have fun like this is what our relationship is about,

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Speaker 1: just spending time together. The most beautiful thing about getting

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Speaker 1: married was absolutely nothing changed. I changed my last name

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Speaker 1: and I got an extra ring on my finger, but

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Speaker 1: that was it, you know, and that felt really beautiful

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Speaker 1: to have that experience and to have this fairy tale

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Speaker 1: love continue and to blossom once again. Cloud nine continued,

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Speaker 1: The fairy tale continued, and this really felt like just

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Speaker 1: the evolution of the fairy tale. It was just how

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Speaker 1: the book was meant to be written. Nothing was really

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Speaker 1: changing in our relationship except we were just probably getting

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Speaker 1: more and more joy. We pretty much spent every moment

295
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Speaker 1: together and completely by choice. Matt would also then drop

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Speaker 1: me to work, so he would drive me to work,

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Speaker 1: so we would have that commute together. Both of us

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Speaker 1: had work trips, but usually only a few days at

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Speaker 1: a time. I think the most we were probably apart

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Speaker 1: was maybe two weeks. You know. Matt still continued his

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Speaker 1: cricket so there was a lot of time that he

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Speaker 1: would you have that time with his cricket club or

303
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Speaker 1: working or hanging out with his mates and things like that.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely and vice versa. But the majority of our time

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Speaker 1: was together. Because we met so young, I built my

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Speaker 1: adult life with Matt. He was a few years older,

307
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Speaker 1: so he'd had a few years out in adulthood before

308
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Speaker 1: we met, but ultimately we were so young, so we

309
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Speaker 1: built our adult life together. So I didn't know anything

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Speaker 1: any different to being an adult with Matt. I didn't

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Speaker 1: know any different to being an adult in a relationship,

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Speaker 1: to being a girlfriend and then a wife. That was

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Speaker 1: just part of our life. I always felt very grateful.

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Speaker 1: I think we really balanced each other out in that

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Speaker 1: as well. Particularly in a work sense. It was due

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Speaker 1: to the job I was doing. It was easy to

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Speaker 1: get overwhelmed, and Matt would just balance it out and say, oh,

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Speaker 1: it's actually not stressful. I'm like, oh, yeah, you're right,

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Speaker 1: and vice versa. Sometimes, you know, Matt would need He

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Speaker 1: would often send me some spreadsheets that needed formatting because

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Speaker 1: I don't know how to do this. So we just

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Speaker 1: had this really beautiful balance of knowing what our strengths

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Speaker 1: are and how we could balance each other. I was

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Speaker 1: a dreamer and I loved to think about what our

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Speaker 1: future might look like, and I'd ask matter question, even

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Speaker 1: it was something really trivial, and he would say, i'll

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Speaker 1: talk to you before then, and it was this beautiful

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Speaker 1: reassurance of like, don't get ahead of yourself, be present,

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Speaker 1: I'll talk to you. Before then we never had that

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Speaker 1: time of bickering or an argument. We didn't even raise

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Speaker 1: voices like that was just not part of our relationship.

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Speaker 1: And you know, often friends would confide in us or say, oh,

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Speaker 1: this is going on for us, or we're struggling. And

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Speaker 1: I found that really difficult because I would often respond

335
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Speaker 1: and saying, oh, that sounds really hard. I was trying

336
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Speaker 1: to be empathetic and trying to understand, but I actually

337
00:19:23,008 --> 00:19:27,167
Speaker 1: had no idea. The only part of doubt that I

338
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Speaker 1: ever had was this is too good to be true.

339
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Speaker 1: How can you have something so perfect? How can everything

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Speaker 1: be so easy? And then I felt such gratitude because

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Speaker 1: here I am living it, so I know it's real.

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Speaker 2: So here they were at twenty six. In twenty nine,

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Speaker 2: Matt and Ash were married, living in their dream home,

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Speaker 2: and just blissfully happy. Once again, the next step seemed inevitable.

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Speaker 1: We wanted kids, We wanted to have kids present, We

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Speaker 1: wanted to play games in the backyard, we wanted to

347
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Speaker 1: watch them play sport, and that was it, you know,

348
00:20:04,048 --> 00:20:06,208
Speaker 1: we then dreamed of you know, in the future. All

349
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Speaker 1: we really said was we'd love to be married for

350
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Speaker 1: a few year, let's enjoy married life, and then we'll

351
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Speaker 1: think about our family. So that was as much planning

352
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Speaker 1: and time frame that we put on, and then twenty

353
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Speaker 1: twenty happened. In January, I lost my father in law,

354
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Speaker 1: who I adored, and he had a very short and

355
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Speaker 1: aggressive illness. In March, I was stood down from my

356
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Speaker 1: job and I worked in travel, and so the industry

357
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Speaker 1: was just decimated. So I stood down from a role

358
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Speaker 1: that I really loved in a company that I loved.

359
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Speaker 1: But it was in June that Matt and I found

360
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Speaker 1: out that we were pregnant. We were so excited. We'd

361
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Speaker 1: been trying for a little while. We really knew that

362
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Speaker 1: we'd been married for a few years. We felt really

363
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Speaker 1: great in terms of, you know, we've enjoyed a few

364
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Speaker 1: years of married life. This feels like the next step.

365
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Speaker 1: So we'd been trying, and yeah, to then find out

366
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Speaker 1: pregnant was just amazing. We just had a private moment

367
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Speaker 1: at home and found out together. I was six weeks

368
00:21:09,208 --> 00:21:11,488
Speaker 1: pregnant at the time, so I needed an early scan

369
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Speaker 1: and I remember the doctor saying there's three and that

370
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Speaker 1: was it. It was just this really short sentence, and

371
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Speaker 1: so Matt and I looked at each other and I

372
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Speaker 1: said three what and he said three babies. The room

373
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Speaker 1: just went quiet, and he said, let's go and have

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Speaker 1: a chat, and the tone completely changed. So Matt and

375
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Speaker 1: I had walked into this appointment feeling completely elated and

376
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Speaker 1: just beyond excited to now feeling really confused. And it

377
00:21:48,328 --> 00:21:50,728
Speaker 1: was at that point that the doctor explained to ask

378
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Speaker 1: how high risk the pregnancy was, and the doctor said,

379
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Speaker 1: it is highly unlikely that you will meet all three babies,

380
00:22:02,208 --> 00:22:03,968
Speaker 1: so you need to go home and have a think

381
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Speaker 1: about this. Walking into an appointment feeling so much joy

382
00:22:08,328 --> 00:22:10,848
Speaker 1: and then walking out of an appointment to feel so

383
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Speaker 1: deflated was something I'd never experienced. For all of these years,

384
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Speaker 1: I'd lived this fairy tale and everything was fabulous, and

385
00:22:18,648 --> 00:22:22,728
Speaker 1: that was the moment that really crushed me. And I

386
00:22:22,768 --> 00:22:24,848
Speaker 1: remember sitting back in the car with Matt and we

387
00:22:24,888 --> 00:22:28,568
Speaker 1: just looked at each other and I said, what just happened?

388
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Speaker 1: And we were both in this state of shock, and

389
00:22:32,648 --> 00:22:36,927
Speaker 1: he replied, I've got no idea. And we just had

390
00:22:36,968 --> 00:22:39,288
Speaker 1: been given a bundle of paperwork to read through, and

391
00:22:39,448 --> 00:22:43,008
Speaker 1: I just was like, I don't understand. And before he

392
00:22:43,088 --> 00:22:46,288
Speaker 1: started the car to drive off, I looked at him

393
00:22:46,328 --> 00:22:51,288
Speaker 1: and I said, we will meet three babies. There's no

394
00:22:51,368 --> 00:22:54,768
Speaker 1: decision to be made. And he grabbed my hand. He said,

395
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Speaker 1: there's no decision. We're pregnant and they're going to be okay.

396
00:23:01,688 --> 00:23:05,368
Speaker 1: And then we drove off, knowing we're pregnant with triplets,

397
00:23:05,968 --> 00:23:08,568
Speaker 1: and we said to each other that we really wanted

398
00:23:08,568 --> 00:23:11,768
Speaker 1: to allow ourselves to feel the shock. So we went

399
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Speaker 1: home and we said, let's just sit in this emotion

400
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Speaker 1: for a bit and have that processing time. And then

401
00:23:20,728 --> 00:23:25,328
Speaker 1: I don't remember Matt saying, let's give ourselves twenty four hours,

402
00:23:26,408 --> 00:23:31,048
Speaker 1: but at twenty four hours that's it. We're positive and

403
00:23:31,088 --> 00:23:33,608
Speaker 1: we never think negatively again. And it wasn't a negative

404
00:23:33,648 --> 00:23:35,248
Speaker 1: thought that we went through. We were just in shock

405
00:23:35,368 --> 00:23:39,248
Speaker 1: and processing. And he said, but after that point, that's it,

406
00:23:40,128 --> 00:23:42,528
Speaker 1: and we both agreed. I was like, yes, absolutely, and

407
00:23:42,568 --> 00:23:44,928
Speaker 1: we did that. So we allowed ourselves to just process

408
00:23:45,008 --> 00:23:47,488
Speaker 1: and then we went this is the best thing ever,

409
00:23:47,568 --> 00:23:50,848
Speaker 1: because it was. And so that was a really important

410
00:23:50,888 --> 00:23:55,968
Speaker 1: part of our pregnancy journey, was to allow that feeling,

411
00:23:57,128 --> 00:23:59,167
Speaker 1: not fight it, but just to allow it and then

412
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Speaker 1: go and we're making the choice now, and aside from shock,

413
00:24:03,488 --> 00:24:08,088
Speaker 1: we've never felt any negativity or any thoughts of we

414
00:24:08,128 --> 00:24:10,088
Speaker 1: shouldn't go ahead with this or anything like that. And

415
00:24:10,128 --> 00:24:13,488
Speaker 1: every pregnancy is different, of course, and for us it

416
00:24:13,608 --> 00:24:17,048
Speaker 1: was just okay, you know, we've been hopeful for one

417
00:24:17,088 --> 00:24:20,488
Speaker 1: and now blessed with three. We are so lucky. And

418
00:24:20,488 --> 00:24:24,528
Speaker 1: that was then, you know, the joy returned and we went, okay, well,

419
00:24:24,528 --> 00:24:27,088
Speaker 1: now we need to figure out how we actually do this.

420
00:24:27,728 --> 00:24:30,448
Speaker 1: It was a rollercoaster, yeah, but it were a really

421
00:24:30,528 --> 00:24:35,208
Speaker 1: defining moment in our relationship as well, to support each

422
00:24:35,208 --> 00:24:38,008
Speaker 1: other through a you know, a tricky situation, but then

423
00:24:38,088 --> 00:24:40,528
Speaker 1: to choose the joy and to choose to step forward

424
00:24:40,528 --> 00:24:44,288
Speaker 1: together in that really united mindset. We also then made

425
00:24:44,328 --> 00:24:47,167
Speaker 1: the decision to tell our family members then, because we

426
00:24:47,288 --> 00:24:50,488
Speaker 1: knew that we would need support, and so we shared

427
00:24:50,528 --> 00:24:53,888
Speaker 1: the news very early with our parents, so with my

428
00:24:54,008 --> 00:24:59,048
Speaker 1: parents and then Matt's mum. It was a really welcomed,

429
00:24:59,568 --> 00:25:03,248
Speaker 1: joyful news because for the first you know, six months

430
00:25:03,248 --> 00:25:07,048
Speaker 1: of twenty twenty, we had been living in the grief

431
00:25:07,128 --> 00:25:10,207
Speaker 1: of losing that dad and that affected all of us

432
00:25:10,208 --> 00:25:13,768
Speaker 1: in different ways, and so to have this joyful news

433
00:25:14,648 --> 00:25:18,648
Speaker 1: was really special and it never took away from the

434
00:25:18,648 --> 00:25:21,288
Speaker 1: heartache that we were still navigating, but it was like

435
00:25:21,368 --> 00:25:24,008
Speaker 1: this glimmer of hope, like, oh, okay, there is now

436
00:25:24,048 --> 00:25:26,368
Speaker 1: something to look forward to. Because it was also at

437
00:25:26,368 --> 00:25:29,608
Speaker 1: a time of COVID, right, so there was so much

438
00:25:29,688 --> 00:25:34,008
Speaker 1: collective heaviness in the world and uncertainty, and so this

439
00:25:34,208 --> 00:25:38,007
Speaker 1: was this little glimmer of hope and shock factor as

440
00:25:38,048 --> 00:25:41,248
Speaker 1: well because there's three babies coming now, so I think

441
00:25:41,288 --> 00:25:45,008
Speaker 1: everyone was really processing, but above all, there was so

442
00:25:45,168 --> 00:25:50,927
Speaker 1: much joy and something to look forward to. So life

443
00:25:50,928 --> 00:25:53,608
Speaker 1: sort of continued and you know, we just sort of

444
00:25:53,608 --> 00:25:56,408
Speaker 1: went about our normal days and that was really yeah,

445
00:25:56,488 --> 00:25:59,927
Speaker 1: this June time for us. It was then in August

446
00:26:00,488 --> 00:26:03,927
Speaker 1: that Matt and I celebrated our wedding anniversary at our

447
00:26:03,928 --> 00:26:07,248
Speaker 1: third wedding anniversary, and I didn't know it would be

448
00:26:07,288 --> 00:26:12,928
Speaker 1: our last together. It was the following week that Matt

449
00:26:13,008 --> 00:26:15,888
Speaker 1: went out for his normal morning run, but he didn't

450
00:26:15,888 --> 00:26:21,368
Speaker 1: return home. He went out for his run and I said, well,

451
00:26:21,408 --> 00:26:23,928
Speaker 1: I'll jump in the shower so that when you get

452
00:26:23,928 --> 00:26:27,608
Speaker 1: home we're ready for the day. I got out of

453
00:26:27,648 --> 00:26:34,288
Speaker 1: the shower and I thought to myself, I need to

454
00:26:34,328 --> 00:26:41,608
Speaker 1: cite Matt, and I had no emotion connected to that statement.

455
00:26:43,848 --> 00:26:49,648
Speaker 1: I didn't think anything was wrong. I didn't think anything

456
00:26:49,688 --> 00:26:57,008
Speaker 1: was right. I just said it completely factually, and I

457
00:26:57,048 --> 00:27:00,008
Speaker 1: got in the car. I hadn't done my hair and makeup.

458
00:27:01,128 --> 00:27:02,728
Speaker 1: My hair was still wet from the shower, and I

459
00:27:02,808 --> 00:27:06,808
Speaker 1: just got in the car and I drove, and I

460
00:27:07,088 --> 00:27:15,488
Speaker 1: drove probably five hundred meters at most, and I found him.

461
00:27:15,768 --> 00:27:22,248
Speaker 1: He was hit by a car. The accident had already happened,

462
00:27:24,248 --> 00:27:27,328
Speaker 1: and the police officer said to me, did you hear

463
00:27:27,328 --> 00:27:33,568
Speaker 1: the sirens? Said now, I think I.

464
00:27:33,488 --> 00:27:34,568
Speaker 4: Just needed to be here.

465
00:27:36,448 --> 00:27:40,328
Speaker 1: And I still don't know why I was there. All

466
00:27:40,328 --> 00:27:42,167
Speaker 1: I can think of is that Matt came to me,

467
00:27:42,248 --> 00:27:46,207
Speaker 1: and he came to get me. I think he wanted

468
00:27:46,248 --> 00:27:52,128
Speaker 1: me close because we were always together. The officials on site,

469
00:27:52,208 --> 00:27:56,168
Speaker 1: they wouldn't let me go to Matt. I was begging,

470
00:27:57,888 --> 00:28:00,328
Speaker 1: and they told me that I couldn't go over there,

471
00:28:01,808 --> 00:28:04,407
Speaker 1: and I remember just being in a real state of shock.

472
00:28:05,808 --> 00:28:09,648
Speaker 1: I just wanted to be with my husband. I remember

473
00:28:09,808 --> 00:28:12,368
Speaker 1: vividly what I said back to the officer when he

474
00:28:12,408 --> 00:28:17,687
Speaker 1: told me the news. First thing I said is I

475
00:28:17,688 --> 00:28:18,528
Speaker 1: need to call his mum.

476
00:28:19,928 --> 00:28:23,768
Speaker 4: And the police officer said, you can't do that, We'll

477
00:28:23,808 --> 00:28:28,368
Speaker 4: do that, And it was almost that comment that made

478
00:28:28,368 --> 00:28:30,568
Speaker 4: me realize how bad this was.

479
00:28:31,608 --> 00:28:33,968
Speaker 1: And so that's when my life changed in an instant.

480
00:28:34,688 --> 00:28:42,928
Speaker 1: I was seventeen weeks pregnant and I'd just become a widow.

481
00:28:46,728 --> 00:28:50,608
Speaker 1: There's elements of the day that are completely blurry and

482
00:28:50,688 --> 00:28:55,128
Speaker 1: other elements that are so vivid. I can recall sense,

483
00:28:55,648 --> 00:29:00,848
Speaker 1: I can recall sounds. I remember going home, so my

484
00:29:01,048 --> 00:29:04,648
Speaker 1: parents had then been called and had arrived at the

485
00:29:04,688 --> 00:29:10,168
Speaker 1: scene to collect me. And when I got back to

486
00:29:10,208 --> 00:29:16,568
Speaker 1: the house, I remember sitting on our couch completely glazed over.

487
00:29:17,528 --> 00:29:21,368
Speaker 1: My eyes were open, but I wasn't really there and

488
00:29:22,808 --> 00:29:28,648
Speaker 1: I was just gazing into the distance. And my mother

489
00:29:28,688 --> 00:29:33,408
Speaker 1: in law arrived and I just remember hearing my mom

490
00:29:33,488 --> 00:29:38,568
Speaker 1: saying she hasn't cried yet, and I was just in

491
00:29:38,648 --> 00:29:44,208
Speaker 1: the absolute shock. And then I remember at night, so

492
00:29:44,328 --> 00:29:46,808
Speaker 1: my family and I we all went to my sister's house.

493
00:29:47,568 --> 00:29:51,288
Speaker 1: I remember saying to Mom, I'm scared to go to

494
00:29:51,328 --> 00:29:56,968
Speaker 1: sleep and I'm scared to be awake. And that was

495
00:29:57,048 --> 00:30:01,088
Speaker 1: really when the fear set in of the reality of

496
00:30:01,368 --> 00:30:08,288
Speaker 1: the situation. Now the coming days were more blurry. I

497
00:30:08,408 --> 00:30:12,208
Speaker 1: was unable to walk, so my body completely shut down.

498
00:30:13,648 --> 00:30:17,408
Speaker 1: I didn't walk for five days because I just I

499
00:30:17,448 --> 00:30:20,608
Speaker 1: physically couldn't. It was such a strange feeling. But I

500
00:30:20,688 --> 00:30:25,568
Speaker 1: couldn't lift my body at all. So my dad would

501
00:30:25,608 --> 00:30:28,568
Speaker 1: lift me out of bed in the morning, he'd carry

502
00:30:28,608 --> 00:30:31,168
Speaker 1: me to the bathroom, put me on the bathroom floor.

503
00:30:33,008 --> 00:30:35,048
Speaker 1: My mum and sister would undress me and shower at

504
00:30:35,088 --> 00:30:38,048
Speaker 1: me and dress me again, and then my dad would

505
00:30:38,088 --> 00:30:39,928
Speaker 1: carry me to the couch and I would la that

506
00:30:39,968 --> 00:30:43,328
Speaker 1: the whole day. I was unable to even lift my head,

507
00:30:44,288 --> 00:30:48,848
Speaker 1: so my family got some liquid meals and they fed

508
00:30:48,848 --> 00:30:53,688
Speaker 1: me through a straw because I just couldn't do anything.

509
00:30:54,808 --> 00:30:59,528
Speaker 1: I didn't have any capacity for anything physically, mentally, emotionally.

510
00:31:00,128 --> 00:31:03,408
Speaker 1: It was just all going to the babies to keep

511
00:31:03,448 --> 00:31:06,728
Speaker 1: them alive, because we'd already been told at that six

512
00:31:06,768 --> 00:31:10,688
Speaker 1: week mark that I could loose them at any time,

513
00:31:11,248 --> 00:31:15,928
Speaker 1: and so I was so fearful of losing them. Everyone

514
00:31:15,968 --> 00:31:17,848
Speaker 1: sort of shares that, oh, you know, you should be

515
00:31:17,888 --> 00:31:20,488
Speaker 1: excited in pregnancy and you should be joyful, And I've

516
00:31:20,528 --> 00:31:26,648
Speaker 1: just had the most extreme loss not just of my

517
00:31:26,848 --> 00:31:29,288
Speaker 1: husband but also the life that we dreamed. You know,

518
00:31:29,368 --> 00:31:33,968
Speaker 1: we'd imagined this family life that he's now not here for.

519
00:31:34,408 --> 00:31:37,648
Speaker 1: I'm now a solo mum, and I've had this moment

520
00:31:37,888 --> 00:31:43,368
Speaker 1: of I'm grieving our family life, but a family life

521
00:31:43,408 --> 00:31:48,368
Speaker 1: that never even started and that will never be. Our

522
00:31:48,448 --> 00:31:52,248
Speaker 1: kids never get to hear Matt's voice, They never hear

523
00:31:52,328 --> 00:31:57,408
Speaker 1: Daddy say I love you, they never get to feel

524
00:31:57,408 --> 00:32:03,168
Speaker 1: his hug, and so I'm already grieving for our kids,

525
00:32:03,968 --> 00:32:05,808
Speaker 1: for the life that they will miss out on and

526
00:32:06,288 --> 00:32:08,608
Speaker 1: the life that Matt misses too with them.

527
00:32:08,648 --> 00:32:11,288
Speaker 2: Through all of this, I actually had to keep fighting.

528
00:32:11,768 --> 00:32:14,288
Speaker 2: She had as scare with the babies at twenty weeks,

529
00:32:14,608 --> 00:32:17,248
Speaker 2: and the doctors told her for them to survive, she'd

530
00:32:17,288 --> 00:32:19,288
Speaker 2: need to make it to at least twenty four.

531
00:32:19,808 --> 00:32:22,328
Speaker 1: I thought, at that moment, the last three weeks I've

532
00:32:22,328 --> 00:32:26,368
Speaker 1: feen absolute hell. I don't know if I can do

533
00:32:26,408 --> 00:32:29,208
Speaker 1: another four. And at the same time, I had no

534
00:32:29,328 --> 00:32:34,168
Speaker 1: choice because I was carrying our babies. And I put

535
00:32:34,208 --> 00:32:36,088
Speaker 1: up my hand and I said I need help. I

536
00:32:36,168 --> 00:32:38,968
Speaker 1: need to book a psychologist. And I said, Mom, I

537
00:32:38,968 --> 00:32:43,728
Speaker 1: need you to help me book this. And that allowed

538
00:32:43,768 --> 00:32:49,568
Speaker 1: me an hour to cry and to just get some

539
00:32:49,688 --> 00:32:52,928
Speaker 1: thoughts out. But then basically as soon as that appointment ended,

540
00:32:53,328 --> 00:32:55,608
Speaker 1: and it was all on a telehealth also during COVID,

541
00:32:55,648 --> 00:32:58,288
Speaker 1: but I then would just hang up the phone and

542
00:32:58,368 --> 00:32:59,968
Speaker 1: then that was it. I was back to the laptop,

543
00:33:00,088 --> 00:33:02,528
Speaker 1: back to doing the ADMIN because I didn't have time.

544
00:33:03,168 --> 00:33:05,448
Speaker 1: And as much as I felt I needed to sit

545
00:33:05,488 --> 00:33:08,688
Speaker 1: in the grief and process, the reality was is, like

546
00:33:08,728 --> 00:33:11,728
Speaker 1: I said, I could lose or welcome our babies at

547
00:33:11,728 --> 00:33:14,408
Speaker 1: any point, so I then need to be ready for that.

548
00:33:15,168 --> 00:33:19,088
Speaker 1: The obstetrician had then said, Ash, I know you're working

549
00:33:19,088 --> 00:33:22,648
Speaker 1: through the grief, but I need you to start preparing

550
00:33:22,688 --> 00:33:28,928
Speaker 1: for PREMI babies because that's a different type of mental, physical,

551
00:33:28,968 --> 00:33:32,008
Speaker 1: and emotional load and at this point in time, you're

552
00:33:32,008 --> 00:33:37,568
Speaker 1: not ready. And of course my reaction is I've got enough.

553
00:33:37,968 --> 00:33:42,368
Speaker 1: I don't have any capacity. And she gave me a

554
00:33:42,408 --> 00:33:45,848
Speaker 1: book and the book's called Just a Moment Too Soon,

555
00:33:46,888 --> 00:33:49,848
Speaker 1: and it's written by nurses and midwives, but also in

556
00:33:49,888 --> 00:33:53,048
Speaker 1: a way that anyone can read and it makes sense.

557
00:33:53,088 --> 00:33:56,008
Speaker 1: And it's written in chapters that are by week, so

558
00:33:56,128 --> 00:33:59,768
Speaker 1: once you get first to that viability stage of twenty

559
00:33:59,768 --> 00:34:03,168
Speaker 1: four weeks, it's then by chapter by week. And I

560
00:34:03,208 --> 00:34:07,088
Speaker 1: was reading the book in line with how far along

561
00:34:07,088 --> 00:34:09,328
Speaker 1: I was in the pregnancy, and so I would finish

562
00:34:09,328 --> 00:34:13,968
Speaker 1: a chapter and feel so relieved because I got through

563
00:34:13,968 --> 00:34:17,047
Speaker 1: the chapter, which meant I got through that week. I

564
00:34:17,047 --> 00:34:18,968
Speaker 1: think the hardest bit of that as well is that

565
00:34:19,168 --> 00:34:22,488
Speaker 1: not only was I doing this without Matt, but when

566
00:34:22,488 --> 00:34:26,168
Speaker 1: you've got that ninety percent overlap, I'm doing it without me.

567
00:34:27,168 --> 00:34:30,328
Speaker 1: I've only got ten percent left, and that ten percent

568
00:34:30,368 --> 00:34:34,368
Speaker 1: is pretty broken right now, so there's not much to

569
00:34:34,448 --> 00:34:39,048
Speaker 1: show up with and to be in that dark space,

570
00:34:39,368 --> 00:34:44,208
Speaker 1: to be that overwhelm isolation. I'm living it and this

571
00:34:44,368 --> 00:34:47,568
Speaker 1: was my life. But also none of my friends understand

572
00:34:47,568 --> 00:34:50,848
Speaker 1: what I'm going through. Like there is that added element

573
00:34:50,888 --> 00:34:55,208
Speaker 1: of isolation too is that I'm alone because I'm a widow,

574
00:34:55,328 --> 00:34:58,647
Speaker 1: and I'm alone because I don't relate to anyone now.

575
00:34:58,768 --> 00:35:01,928
Speaker 1: No one stands and as much as everyone tries to

576
00:35:01,968 --> 00:35:08,248
Speaker 1: help and lovingly help, you don't get it. So that

577
00:35:08,288 --> 00:35:11,248
Speaker 1: adds to the to the grief as well. A lot

578
00:35:11,248 --> 00:35:14,408
Speaker 1: of people say that, you, you know, just take it

579
00:35:14,408 --> 00:35:17,208
Speaker 1: one day at a time, one hour at a time.

580
00:35:18,168 --> 00:35:20,488
Speaker 1: I was only capable of taking it ten minutes at

581
00:35:20,528 --> 00:35:23,768
Speaker 1: a time, and then I was able to slowly build

582
00:35:23,848 --> 00:35:28,288
Speaker 1: up from that and to chip away at it, I suppose,

583
00:35:28,328 --> 00:35:30,648
Speaker 1: And you know, some days I would do twenty minutes

584
00:35:30,648 --> 00:35:32,848
Speaker 1: at a time, and then the next it was five.

585
00:35:33,608 --> 00:35:36,168
Speaker 1: I was twenty nine years old when all of this

586
00:35:36,328 --> 00:35:42,328
Speaker 1: was happening. You know, I'm still this young girl trying

587
00:35:42,328 --> 00:35:45,408
Speaker 1: to navigate a world that I didn't even really well.

588
00:35:45,408 --> 00:35:48,168
Speaker 1: I still don't understand it. I'm in it, but this

589
00:35:48,328 --> 00:35:52,208
Speaker 1: is not how you imagine the last year of your twenties.

590
00:35:53,568 --> 00:35:56,768
Speaker 2: Against all odds, actually took all three of her babies

591
00:35:56,808 --> 00:35:59,968
Speaker 2: through to thirty four weeks. It was a miracle, but

592
00:36:00,008 --> 00:36:03,528
Speaker 2: it only opened the next chapter of an unfathomable grief.

593
00:36:04,168 --> 00:36:08,888
Speaker 1: Obviously, I was incredibly emotional going into the birth, mainly

594
00:36:09,128 --> 00:36:13,888
Speaker 1: the of all three babies arriving, because I still until

595
00:36:13,888 --> 00:36:18,248
Speaker 1: they were here, they weren't here, and so desperately missing that.

596
00:36:19,968 --> 00:36:22,527
Speaker 1: And at the same time I really felt that he

597
00:36:22,608 --> 00:36:26,688
Speaker 1: was there. So that was quite a confronting feeling, because

598
00:36:27,568 --> 00:36:31,167
Speaker 1: it was almost this feeling of your so close and

599
00:36:31,248 --> 00:36:36,928
Speaker 1: so far, and so this real difficult feeling of trying

600
00:36:37,608 --> 00:36:41,288
Speaker 1: to reach him and I couldn't, And it's a really

601
00:36:41,328 --> 00:36:47,248
Speaker 1: hard feeling to explain because it's almost so confusing. And

602
00:36:47,328 --> 00:36:49,608
Speaker 1: then you should be here, but you're not and I

603
00:36:49,608 --> 00:36:52,168
Speaker 1: don't understand this. And then I'm trying to be present

604
00:36:52,248 --> 00:36:57,608
Speaker 1: for their birth and I just I just remember feeling

605
00:36:57,808 --> 00:37:04,087
Speaker 1: so I think lost because I didn't know how I

606
00:37:04,128 --> 00:37:07,448
Speaker 1: was meant to feel, because it was at that moment

607
00:37:07,568 --> 00:37:16,168
Speaker 1: of intense grief with relief that they were here, and

608
00:37:16,208 --> 00:37:19,888
Speaker 1: I was just really caught in the middle of those

609
00:37:19,888 --> 00:37:22,607
Speaker 1: two emotions. And when those emotions are not just there

610
00:37:22,608 --> 00:37:27,808
Speaker 1: but completely heightened, I was just paralyzed with fear. I think,

611
00:37:28,088 --> 00:37:32,768
Speaker 1: just completely overwhelmed. Then we had five weeks in Nku,

612
00:37:32,928 --> 00:37:38,008
Speaker 1: which is a pretty intense environment, and I never understood

613
00:37:38,048 --> 00:37:40,687
Speaker 1: Nicu or I never understood what premi babies really meant.

614
00:37:40,728 --> 00:37:43,768
Speaker 1: I just thought premi babies was, you know, we're little babies,

615
00:37:44,048 --> 00:37:48,448
Speaker 1: and I just never had experience with that before. And

616
00:37:48,488 --> 00:37:54,648
Speaker 1: then I was thrust into this world of birthing triplets

617
00:37:54,888 --> 00:38:01,687
Speaker 1: born prematurely and then entering Nku and having this experience,

618
00:38:01,768 --> 00:38:06,207
Speaker 1: which is confronting at the best of times, to now

619
00:38:06,248 --> 00:38:11,888
Speaker 1: be in that environment without fragile babies and doing it alone.

620
00:38:12,168 --> 00:38:15,047
Speaker 1: My family were with me every minute of the day there,

621
00:38:16,048 --> 00:38:21,047
Speaker 1: and I was still alone. And I'm in hospital in Niku,

622
00:38:22,168 --> 00:38:28,768
Speaker 1: seeing dads with their babies. So Niku is an open

623
00:38:28,848 --> 00:38:32,488
Speaker 1: room and there are multiple babies in the same room,

624
00:38:32,688 --> 00:38:34,848
Speaker 1: and so the families come to visit and they're with

625
00:38:34,928 --> 00:38:39,968
Speaker 1: them the whole day. So here I am still navigating grief.

626
00:38:40,448 --> 00:38:43,848
Speaker 1: You know, I've just lost my husband seventeen weeks ago,

627
00:38:44,328 --> 00:38:49,448
Speaker 1: and I'm seeing dads hold their babies right in front

628
00:38:49,448 --> 00:38:56,528
Speaker 1: of me, and so just the complete overwhelm of emotion

629
00:38:58,848 --> 00:39:01,127
Speaker 1: and trying to be a mum and trying to show

630
00:39:01,248 --> 00:39:04,248
Speaker 1: up and do all the things, and just this constant

631
00:39:04,568 --> 00:39:12,047
Speaker 1: feeling of, you know, this relentless struggle or feeling of

632
00:39:12,768 --> 00:39:14,848
Speaker 1: doesn't matter how strong I am or how much I

633
00:39:14,888 --> 00:39:19,968
Speaker 1: show up, it's not enough, and still feeling like we're fighting.

634
00:39:21,088 --> 00:39:25,128
Speaker 1: I never felt, honestly, for the first year that I

635
00:39:25,208 --> 00:39:28,368
Speaker 1: actually took a full breath. I felt that physically that

636
00:39:28,448 --> 00:39:30,488
Speaker 1: I held my breath. I felt it in my body

637
00:39:30,488 --> 00:39:35,368
Speaker 1: that I was bracing, and it was because I had

638
00:39:35,408 --> 00:39:40,488
Speaker 1: evidence that things continue to happen. So don't feel joy,

639
00:39:40,608 --> 00:39:47,448
Speaker 1: don't feel anything, just brace because if you brace, you

640
00:39:47,528 --> 00:39:51,128
Speaker 1: might be able to minimize the emotion, it might not

641
00:39:51,248 --> 00:39:56,608
Speaker 1: feel as heavy. So I lived in this state of fear,

642
00:39:58,008 --> 00:40:02,008
Speaker 1: and I felt like I was holding my breath for

643
00:40:02,048 --> 00:40:05,808
Speaker 1: a year, and I still remember that feeling in isolation.

644
00:40:06,048 --> 00:40:11,408
Speaker 1: All of these events are tragic, they are intense, and

645
00:40:11,448 --> 00:40:14,248
Speaker 1: then I'm dealing with it all together in one go.

646
00:40:16,608 --> 00:40:20,848
Speaker 1: And it was just this complete feeling of overwhelm and

647
00:40:20,928 --> 00:40:28,527
Speaker 1: so finding joy for someone that was previously joyful, carefree,

648
00:40:28,568 --> 00:40:33,488
Speaker 1: didn't even think about it to now having to work

649
00:40:33,688 --> 00:40:38,368
Speaker 1: incredibly hard to not even get to a state of joy,

650
00:40:38,408 --> 00:40:45,208
Speaker 1: but to get to a state of neutral took an

651
00:40:45,328 --> 00:40:48,968
Speaker 1: enormous amount of energy. We spent a total of five

652
00:40:49,008 --> 00:40:52,647
Speaker 1: weeks in the hospital and then we were finally able

653
00:40:52,688 --> 00:40:55,968
Speaker 1: to return home, and that was the first time that

654
00:40:56,048 --> 00:41:01,488
Speaker 1: I went home to our house. It was really important

655
00:41:01,488 --> 00:41:06,968
Speaker 1: to me that the babies go home. Returning home, I

656
00:41:07,208 --> 00:41:09,928
Speaker 1: just kept hearing that conversation that Matt and I had

657
00:41:09,648 --> 00:41:12,488
Speaker 1: had in the car that day, that night that we

658
00:41:12,808 --> 00:41:17,087
Speaker 1: bought the house. This is our family home. And as

659
00:41:17,168 --> 00:41:19,248
Speaker 1: much as my family said, you know, of course we

660
00:41:19,288 --> 00:41:21,248
Speaker 1: can have the babies here, like, we'll figure out the

661
00:41:21,288 --> 00:41:25,648
Speaker 1: best setup, I was adamant that we were going home.

662
00:41:26,048 --> 00:41:29,648
Speaker 2: On top of all of this, and perhaps unsurprisingly, Ashley

663
00:41:29,768 --> 00:41:32,008
Speaker 2: was then diagnosed with postnatal depression.

664
00:41:32,488 --> 00:41:36,648
Speaker 1: There were already sort of red flags you know widow triplets,

665
00:41:37,208 --> 00:41:39,448
Speaker 1: Niku PREMI. You know, there was a lot that was

666
00:41:39,488 --> 00:41:44,527
Speaker 1: already not great for me. And so I remember when

667
00:41:44,568 --> 00:41:47,808
Speaker 1: she did the assessment, she said, oh, just give me

668
00:41:47,808 --> 00:41:51,127
Speaker 1: a minute, and she walked out and she came back

669
00:41:51,168 --> 00:41:55,848
Speaker 1: in and she said, so you've got postnatal depression. And

670
00:41:55,888 --> 00:41:58,808
Speaker 1: I remember looking at her. I remember exactly where she

671
00:41:58,888 --> 00:42:03,047
Speaker 1: was sitting on the day bed with the sun in

672
00:42:03,088 --> 00:42:08,288
Speaker 1: the background, and I looked at her and said, yeah,

673
00:42:08,328 --> 00:42:13,527
Speaker 1: I know. But then I told her I don't know

674
00:42:13,568 --> 00:42:20,808
Speaker 1: what's depression, what's grief, and what's hormones, because it's all

675
00:42:20,808 --> 00:42:23,448
Speaker 1: of it at the same time, he's a new mother.

676
00:42:23,528 --> 00:42:26,087
Speaker 1: A lot of comments are often you know, trust your

677
00:42:26,128 --> 00:42:28,768
Speaker 1: gut and you're a mum, you'll know what to do.

678
00:42:29,328 --> 00:42:31,248
Speaker 1: I didn't have any of that. I didn't have an

679
00:42:31,288 --> 00:42:37,648
Speaker 1: ounce of confidence in myself. And now you're giving me.

680
00:42:37,768 --> 00:42:39,647
Speaker 1: You know, I've already got the label of widow. I'm

681
00:42:39,688 --> 00:42:41,647
Speaker 1: already a solo mum, and now you're telling me I've

682
00:42:41,648 --> 00:42:45,488
Speaker 1: got postnatal depression. I don't have the capacity for anymore.

683
00:42:46,848 --> 00:42:49,488
Speaker 1: For the first or at least twelve months, I was

684
00:42:49,528 --> 00:42:52,607
Speaker 1: getting three to four hours of broken sleep at night,

685
00:42:53,768 --> 00:42:58,328
Speaker 1: and I just put it down to adrenaline was keeping

686
00:42:58,328 --> 00:43:01,928
Speaker 1: me going basically, and I had nothing left to give

687
00:43:02,248 --> 00:43:05,768
Speaker 1: I and I look back now as a level of

688
00:43:07,048 --> 00:43:09,567
Speaker 1: hindsight to think, oh, I shouldn't have been so hard

689
00:43:09,568 --> 00:43:12,648
Speaker 1: on myself, But as a coping strategy as well, it

690
00:43:12,728 --> 00:43:15,248
Speaker 1: was important to me that I show up for everything

691
00:43:16,448 --> 00:43:20,047
Speaker 1: that's not here. I am here. If there's a nappy

692
00:43:20,128 --> 00:43:22,488
Speaker 1: to change, I'll do it. If there's a bottle to

693
00:43:22,488 --> 00:43:25,328
Speaker 1: be fit, I'll do it. As much as there was

694
00:43:25,368 --> 00:43:28,848
Speaker 1: a lot of help around, I needed to do the babies,

695
00:43:29,088 --> 00:43:33,608
Speaker 1: that was really important to me, so I yeah, I

696
00:43:33,608 --> 00:43:35,328
Speaker 1: did have overnight help as well, and there was a

697
00:43:35,328 --> 00:43:37,047
Speaker 1: period where I did have a night nanny so that

698
00:43:37,048 --> 00:43:40,728
Speaker 1: I could get some sleep. Ninety five percent of the

699
00:43:40,728 --> 00:43:43,488
Speaker 1: time I was doing it all, which wasn't great for

700
00:43:43,568 --> 00:43:46,008
Speaker 1: my health in hindsight, but in that moment it was

701
00:43:46,048 --> 00:43:49,647
Speaker 1: incredibly important to me. And I also don't have any

702
00:43:49,688 --> 00:43:52,368
Speaker 1: regrets because I knew that I needed that too as

703
00:43:52,408 --> 00:43:55,288
Speaker 1: part of my healing. I remember the impact that that

704
00:43:55,448 --> 00:43:57,888
Speaker 1: did have on me, though of course I was already

705
00:43:57,928 --> 00:44:02,607
Speaker 1: navigating the emotional stuff, but physically I lost a lot

706
00:44:02,648 --> 00:44:06,648
Speaker 1: of weight and I think I might have been forty

707
00:44:06,648 --> 00:44:11,128
Speaker 1: five kilos, so you could see the weight, you know,

708
00:44:11,168 --> 00:44:13,607
Speaker 1: the skin just hanging off my face, you could see

709
00:44:13,608 --> 00:44:17,567
Speaker 1: my rib cage. I looked really sick, and I was

710
00:44:17,688 --> 00:44:22,768
Speaker 1: so depleted, and it was the physical body was now

711
00:44:22,808 --> 00:44:27,648
Speaker 1: showing what was actually going inside of me, and it

712
00:44:27,688 --> 00:44:30,448
Speaker 1: was not a lot. Every ounce of energy, every ounce

713
00:44:30,488 --> 00:44:35,527
Speaker 1: of happiness that I mustered together was going to the

714
00:44:35,568 --> 00:44:39,808
Speaker 1: babies and there was nothing left. So that was what

715
00:44:39,888 --> 00:44:43,208
Speaker 1: the first year was. It was truly survival, and it

716
00:44:43,328 --> 00:44:48,848
Speaker 1: was giving every ounce of love to our babies. And

717
00:44:48,888 --> 00:44:51,168
Speaker 1: then I really started on my journey of going, Okay,

718
00:44:52,008 --> 00:44:54,528
Speaker 1: I'm not in a good way and I need to

719
00:44:54,568 --> 00:44:57,687
Speaker 1: make some change here. And I had cried every day

720
00:44:57,688 --> 00:45:00,727
Speaker 1: for three hundred and sixty five days, and I don't

721
00:45:00,768 --> 00:45:05,567
Speaker 1: mean like a tear, I mean at least one full

722
00:45:05,608 --> 00:45:11,728
Speaker 1: blown emotional meltdown, totally valid all things considered. But it

723
00:45:11,768 --> 00:45:15,168
Speaker 1: was that realization of even being around the joy of

724
00:45:15,208 --> 00:45:17,768
Speaker 1: the babies that I'd realized I had cried every day

725
00:45:17,808 --> 00:45:20,527
Speaker 1: for three hundred and sixty five days. And it was

726
00:45:20,568 --> 00:45:25,528
Speaker 1: that moment that I decided, I don't want our babies

727
00:45:25,568 --> 00:45:30,087
Speaker 1: to only know me as sad mummy. I'm dealing with

728
00:45:30,248 --> 00:45:35,087
Speaker 1: enough they've got a long road ahead too. I need

729
00:45:35,128 --> 00:45:38,488
Speaker 1: to get help and I need to create change so

730
00:45:38,528 --> 00:45:41,728
Speaker 1: that we can live a joyful life and that we

731
00:45:41,848 --> 00:45:47,088
Speaker 1: can truly feel joy. So that was really the moment

732
00:45:47,128 --> 00:45:51,168
Speaker 1: as well, that I had lived this year of survival

733
00:45:51,328 --> 00:45:56,888
Speaker 1: and I was now ready to prioritize my health. Truly.

734
00:45:57,048 --> 00:45:58,928
Speaker 1: I'd been doing the psychology the whole way through, but

735
00:45:59,248 --> 00:46:02,288
Speaker 1: there was more work that I needed to do. I

736
00:46:02,368 --> 00:46:09,568
Speaker 1: also decided to return to work, and so I knew

737
00:46:09,608 --> 00:46:14,168
Speaker 1: that I was in a state of if I don't

738
00:46:14,168 --> 00:46:17,448
Speaker 1: make change, I'm going to stay in this bubble and

739
00:46:17,528 --> 00:46:20,448
Speaker 1: I'm going to find it harder to get out. So

740
00:46:20,528 --> 00:46:23,568
Speaker 1: I needed to start making some changes, really slow changes.

741
00:46:23,608 --> 00:46:26,087
Speaker 1: So I initially put the kids into daycare one day

742
00:46:26,088 --> 00:46:29,848
Speaker 1: a week, and that happened for six months, and then

743
00:46:29,888 --> 00:46:31,848
Speaker 1: I found the strength to return to work one day

744
00:46:31,888 --> 00:46:35,288
Speaker 1: a week. So everything was super tiny, and that's because

745
00:46:35,288 --> 00:46:37,087
Speaker 1: I actually didn't have the capacity to do anything more

746
00:46:37,128 --> 00:46:40,328
Speaker 1: than that. So I would drop them at daycare. It

747
00:46:40,408 --> 00:46:42,408
Speaker 1: took me about a month to even leave the room.

748
00:46:43,168 --> 00:46:44,808
Speaker 1: So for a long time they were just doing like

749
00:46:44,848 --> 00:46:47,647
Speaker 1: a one hour play date, and they kept saying, Ash,

750
00:46:47,648 --> 00:46:49,408
Speaker 1: you know, you meant to leave and drop them off

751
00:46:49,448 --> 00:46:51,728
Speaker 1: so they can get used to it, and I actually couldn't.

752
00:46:52,048 --> 00:46:54,408
Speaker 1: So I had to be really deliberate with what I

753
00:46:54,488 --> 00:46:58,368
Speaker 1: was capable with and what I was able to handle,

754
00:46:58,568 --> 00:47:00,208
Speaker 1: because I knew that if I got that wrong, I

755
00:47:00,208 --> 00:47:02,288
Speaker 1: would send myself into sort of a worse spiral. So

756
00:47:02,288 --> 00:47:06,048
Speaker 1: I had to be really protective of my mental health initially.

757
00:47:06,328 --> 00:47:07,888
Speaker 1: And then, like I said, I returned to work one

758
00:47:07,928 --> 00:47:11,047
Speaker 1: day week just to ease back into it and just

759
00:47:11,088 --> 00:47:13,648
Speaker 1: take it slow. So that was really the steps that

760
00:47:13,688 --> 00:47:16,808
Speaker 1: I made to get myself back again.

761
00:47:17,408 --> 00:47:20,768
Speaker 2: It was a long, slow and at times debilitating journey,

762
00:47:21,048 --> 00:47:23,567
Speaker 2: but bit by bit, Ash was able to start to

763
00:47:23,608 --> 00:47:26,928
Speaker 2: build herself up and as best she could embrace this

764
00:47:27,048 --> 00:47:28,888
Speaker 2: new life that had been thrust upon her.

765
00:47:29,568 --> 00:47:33,488
Speaker 1: I would say last year, so I would say four

766
00:47:33,568 --> 00:47:38,848
Speaker 1: years after the accident is when I started to look

767
00:47:38,888 --> 00:47:43,768
Speaker 1: in the mirror and see a glimpse of Ash. I

768
00:47:43,848 --> 00:47:47,248
Speaker 1: still look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself.

769
00:47:48,648 --> 00:47:52,047
Speaker 1: I'm not the same person and I never will be.

770
00:47:52,688 --> 00:47:56,408
Speaker 1: I can see deep down she's in there. I'm a

771
00:47:56,448 --> 00:48:00,047
Speaker 1: new version of Ash now and I'm a mum to

772
00:48:00,088 --> 00:48:05,728
Speaker 1: beautiful triplets. So that's the new woman that I see

773
00:48:05,728 --> 00:48:08,728
Speaker 1: in the mirror. I really miss a lot of the

774
00:48:08,768 --> 00:48:12,968
Speaker 1: old version of Ash. But there is a new version now.

775
00:48:13,288 --> 00:48:17,408
Speaker 1: So that's who I see now, and that's the woman

776
00:48:17,448 --> 00:48:22,568
Speaker 1: that I'm becoming. And yeah, the old Ash will never return.

777
00:48:23,048 --> 00:48:25,768
Speaker 1: And I think part of this healing journey has also

778
00:48:25,808 --> 00:48:29,408
Speaker 1: been to I don't think I'll ever accept it, but

779
00:48:29,528 --> 00:48:34,688
Speaker 1: to acknowledge that she's not coming back. And that's incredibly

780
00:48:34,768 --> 00:48:39,488
Speaker 1: hard for me. But I realized that when I lost Matt,

781
00:48:39,528 --> 00:48:45,248
Speaker 1: I lost myself. I have felt Matt every every moment

782
00:48:45,528 --> 00:48:51,048
Speaker 1: since he passed. I've never questioned that I feel him,

783
00:48:51,608 --> 00:48:56,168
Speaker 1: I hear him, I see him, and even though it

784
00:48:56,288 --> 00:48:58,608
Speaker 1: was going home to an empty home, it was because

785
00:48:58,608 --> 00:49:01,848
Speaker 1: he was with us anyway. So I know he's still

786
00:49:01,848 --> 00:49:04,808
Speaker 1: with us, and it's just in a different way. I

787
00:49:04,848 --> 00:49:08,488
Speaker 1: don't think there was a moment where I had, you know,

788
00:49:08,568 --> 00:49:12,808
Speaker 1: the penny drop moment he's actually gone. I think after

789
00:49:12,848 --> 00:49:15,527
Speaker 1: the accident, I continued to wake up and I thought

790
00:49:15,568 --> 00:49:19,888
Speaker 1: that every morning, because even though I was at the scene,

791
00:49:20,008 --> 00:49:25,288
Speaker 1: I definitely had a moment of disbelief, and so I thought,

792
00:49:27,168 --> 00:49:30,448
Speaker 1: maybe he just got lost on his run and he's

793
00:49:30,488 --> 00:49:33,328
Speaker 1: just still coming home. And I think maybe it was

794
00:49:33,368 --> 00:49:36,768
Speaker 1: more just as every day passed, I got further away

795
00:49:36,768 --> 00:49:41,248
Speaker 1: from that. And so it was this gradual realization that

796
00:49:42,168 --> 00:49:46,288
Speaker 1: this is my life now and I am alone, and

797
00:49:46,368 --> 00:49:49,048
Speaker 1: I've never reconciled that, and I don't think I ever will.

798
00:49:49,968 --> 00:49:55,408
Speaker 1: The magnitude of the loss, yeah, I think because we

799
00:49:55,408 --> 00:49:59,687
Speaker 1: were so connected, I guess that just hasn't gone. I mean,

800
00:50:00,088 --> 00:50:03,648
Speaker 1: obviously physically I've lost him, and I've lost the conversation,

801
00:50:03,848 --> 00:50:10,208
Speaker 1: the companionship, and I still feel connected to him. Still

802
00:50:11,008 --> 00:50:14,448
Speaker 1: make decisions, you know, particularly for the kids, but just

803
00:50:14,568 --> 00:50:18,087
Speaker 1: generally speaking, I make decisions with him in mind, like

804
00:50:18,328 --> 00:50:24,127
Speaker 1: he is so present in my mind that I never

805
00:50:24,328 --> 00:50:28,448
Speaker 1: doubt that he's not here. And you know, I still

806
00:50:28,488 --> 00:50:33,968
Speaker 1: catch myself saying our bedroom, or we've decided to do this,

807
00:50:34,728 --> 00:50:38,448
Speaker 1: and then I go, oh, I mean I no, it

808
00:50:38,568 --> 00:50:41,368
Speaker 1: is we. And so it just feels this really strange

809
00:50:41,408 --> 00:50:47,648
Speaker 1: feeling of it is us. It's different, but it is

810
00:50:47,728 --> 00:50:51,768
Speaker 1: still that. And I know that people have different beliefs

811
00:50:51,768 --> 00:50:54,968
Speaker 1: of that, and people can struggle with that thought process.

812
00:50:55,008 --> 00:50:59,208
Speaker 1: But to the kids and I, he is present and

813
00:50:59,248 --> 00:51:03,248
Speaker 1: he is here. They definitely look like him. They've got

814
00:51:03,248 --> 00:51:06,527
Speaker 1: his eyes, and there is so much that they do.

815
00:51:07,808 --> 00:51:11,168
Speaker 1: That kind of startles me and I go, oh, that's Daddy,

816
00:51:11,968 --> 00:51:16,608
Speaker 1: And it's heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time because

817
00:51:16,648 --> 00:51:18,408
Speaker 1: I see it and I go, oh, my gosh, he's

818
00:51:18,448 --> 00:51:24,808
Speaker 1: so close again, and yeah, it just feels perfect and

819
00:51:24,848 --> 00:51:29,928
Speaker 1: beautiful that he's so close. The most important thing for

820
00:51:30,088 --> 00:51:34,328
Speaker 1: me is that they know how much Daddy loves them.

821
00:51:34,728 --> 00:51:38,688
Speaker 1: So I've never been able to say Mummy loves you.

822
00:51:39,568 --> 00:51:43,488
Speaker 1: I can only say Mummy and Daddy love you because

823
00:51:43,528 --> 00:51:46,848
Speaker 1: I am now his voice, and so I make sure

824
00:51:46,928 --> 00:51:52,848
Speaker 1: that they know that. And I'm constantly sharing stories and memories.

825
00:51:53,088 --> 00:51:57,088
Speaker 1: And I'm also allowing them, particularly as they get older,

826
00:51:58,008 --> 00:52:01,247
Speaker 1: you know, to ask questions, but to also include Matt

827
00:52:01,328 --> 00:52:03,448
Speaker 1: how they want to. You know, it's not about me

828
00:52:03,568 --> 00:52:07,368
Speaker 1: projecting grief, but it is about me sharing this is

829
00:52:07,408 --> 00:52:09,648
Speaker 1: your dad, and these are all of the amazing story

830
00:52:09,888 --> 00:52:13,008
Speaker 1: that I have of him. Sometimes they will now ask

831
00:52:13,368 --> 00:52:15,368
Speaker 1: me to play Daddy's music. You know, they know his

832
00:52:15,408 --> 00:52:18,248
Speaker 1: favorite songs, and you know, unprompted, they will ask for

833
00:52:18,288 --> 00:52:22,728
Speaker 1: that and they love singing along, and so you know,

834
00:52:22,768 --> 00:52:27,888
Speaker 1: it's allowing them to also include him if and when

835
00:52:27,928 --> 00:52:30,968
Speaker 1: they feel it too. We have a lot of photos

836
00:52:30,968 --> 00:52:35,368
Speaker 1: around the house and they will often talk to those photos.

837
00:52:36,048 --> 00:52:38,128
Speaker 1: They talk about him every day. You know, he is

838
00:52:38,528 --> 00:52:41,568
Speaker 1: super present, and it's just in really simple, sort of

839
00:52:41,728 --> 00:52:46,567
Speaker 1: mundane tasks that we just talk about him, and it's

840
00:52:46,568 --> 00:52:48,408
Speaker 1: sort of Yeah, it's really up to them as well

841
00:52:48,408 --> 00:52:50,607
Speaker 1: as to how much they want to ask or talk

842
00:52:50,648 --> 00:52:53,688
Speaker 1: about him. It's really lovely seeing as they're getting older,

843
00:52:53,768 --> 00:52:59,048
Speaker 1: how they yeah, how they include him every day that passes.

844
00:52:59,128 --> 00:53:03,968
Speaker 1: I do fear getting more distant to Matt, and I

845
00:53:04,048 --> 00:53:07,448
Speaker 1: know that there will be a point where I've been

846
00:53:07,768 --> 00:53:11,848
Speaker 1: without Matt longer than I was with him, and I'm

847
00:53:11,888 --> 00:53:18,288
Speaker 1: really fearful of that. We've just celebrated another anniversary, another milestone,

848
00:53:18,328 --> 00:53:22,848
Speaker 1: and it was because we married so late into our relationship,

849
00:53:23,848 --> 00:53:27,928
Speaker 1: I've had more wedding anniversaries without him, and so that

850
00:53:28,048 --> 00:53:32,408
Speaker 1: was our really really tough day. So while I do

851
00:53:32,488 --> 00:53:35,248
Speaker 1: fear it, I know he's with us, but it's not

852
00:53:35,328 --> 00:53:42,247
Speaker 1: in the same way. And so I fear forgetting even

853
00:53:42,248 --> 00:53:43,808
Speaker 1: though I know I talk about him all the time

854
00:53:43,888 --> 00:53:45,448
Speaker 1: and I look at photos and I do all of

855
00:53:45,488 --> 00:53:47,928
Speaker 1: the things, but I'll still.

856
00:53:47,688 --> 00:53:49,928
Speaker 3: Carry that fear through everything.

857
00:53:50,128 --> 00:53:52,888
Speaker 2: Actually, it's not only been able to find but create

858
00:53:53,128 --> 00:53:56,488
Speaker 2: joy and beauty in every aspect of her life, both

859
00:53:56,528 --> 00:53:59,968
Speaker 2: in spite of and because of what she's weathered since

860
00:54:00,008 --> 00:54:02,448
Speaker 2: losing man. She's gone on to create a platform for

861
00:54:02,568 --> 00:54:05,567
Speaker 2: other widows, knowing all too well what someone has to

862
00:54:05,608 --> 00:54:08,328
Speaker 2: go through while also trying to navigate grief.

863
00:54:09,008 --> 00:54:13,688
Speaker 1: So I decided to create Yellow Falcon, and I created

864
00:54:13,728 --> 00:54:17,608
Speaker 1: it for the girl that I am, not just for

865
00:54:17,648 --> 00:54:19,888
Speaker 1: the girl that I was when I first lost Matt,

866
00:54:20,408 --> 00:54:23,408
Speaker 1: but for the girl that I still am. I was

867
00:54:23,488 --> 00:54:28,128
Speaker 1: the widow tralling the Internet trying to find not just

868
00:54:28,208 --> 00:54:31,568
Speaker 1: information as to that death admin that needs to happen,

869
00:54:31,728 --> 00:54:34,728
Speaker 1: or you know, the feelings and the scenarios that I

870
00:54:34,768 --> 00:54:37,848
Speaker 1: will go through, but also the community because I felt

871
00:54:37,848 --> 00:54:41,768
Speaker 1: so lost and I didn't know. I didn't know that

872
00:54:42,248 --> 00:54:45,208
Speaker 1: there were other widows out there. You know, often widow

873
00:54:45,368 --> 00:54:49,208
Speaker 1: is associated with an older lady who loses her husband

874
00:54:49,248 --> 00:54:54,248
Speaker 1: later in life, which is somewhat expected. So I created

875
00:54:54,248 --> 00:54:58,448
Speaker 1: this space because I realized that it didn't exist, and

876
00:54:59,128 --> 00:55:03,888
Speaker 1: I also wanted to create something that was practical, because

877
00:55:03,888 --> 00:55:08,127
Speaker 1: a lot of grief support is the emotional support, it's

878
00:55:08,208 --> 00:55:14,328
Speaker 1: counseling services, it's support groups that is important. There's a

879
00:55:14,448 --> 00:55:18,488
Speaker 1: lot of practical that is included to as becoming a widow.

880
00:55:18,528 --> 00:55:22,527
Speaker 1: So yellow Falcon is the combination of both. It is

881
00:55:22,568 --> 00:55:25,968
Speaker 1: a place to be, to be seen, and it is

882
00:55:26,088 --> 00:55:28,648
Speaker 1: yellow because it is joyful and there is hope. And

883
00:55:28,688 --> 00:55:31,368
Speaker 1: we're not defined by the darkness, We're not defined by

884
00:55:31,728 --> 00:55:37,488
Speaker 1: the tragedy. We are the falcon rising above the storm.

885
00:55:37,968 --> 00:55:41,688
Speaker 1: But falcon is also the bird that is quite powerful

886
00:55:42,248 --> 00:55:48,128
Speaker 1: and peaceful. So what I've created is a checklist of

887
00:55:48,168 --> 00:55:50,288
Speaker 1: all of the death admin of which there is a lot.

888
00:55:50,328 --> 00:55:54,288
Speaker 1: And I had no idea because I was trolling government

889
00:55:54,288 --> 00:55:58,728
Speaker 1: websites and utility company websites and it's just everywhere. There

890
00:55:58,808 --> 00:56:02,328
Speaker 1: is no one place, and you're already like sleep deprived,

891
00:56:02,448 --> 00:56:05,488
Speaker 1: trying to navigate grief and you're just trying to find

892
00:56:05,488 --> 00:56:07,928
Speaker 1: the information, and often the government sites are just in

893
00:56:08,048 --> 00:56:10,088
Speaker 1: gibberish and like, I don't even know what that means means.

894
00:56:10,648 --> 00:56:14,048
Speaker 1: So I created this to have everything in one place,

895
00:56:14,928 --> 00:56:16,648
Speaker 1: and then I built the course. So I've built the

896
00:56:16,648 --> 00:56:22,248
Speaker 1: Confident Widow Course, which is all about sharing the scenarios

897
00:56:23,048 --> 00:56:26,087
Speaker 1: and the situations that we face as widows, and it's

898
00:56:26,088 --> 00:56:28,568
Speaker 1: doing it in a way that's super easy, like seven

899
00:56:28,608 --> 00:56:31,168
Speaker 1: minute video and then a workbook for you to just

900
00:56:31,208 --> 00:56:34,687
Speaker 1: work through your individual situation. But what I'm really proud

901
00:56:34,768 --> 00:56:37,488
Speaker 1: of is that I've also put with it all of

902
00:56:37,528 --> 00:56:40,288
Speaker 1: the templates that you need to document all of the

903
00:56:40,328 --> 00:56:43,328
Speaker 1: phone calls. I love a spreadsheet, so this is like

904
00:56:43,408 --> 00:56:46,688
Speaker 1: my love language, and I am able to now gift

905
00:56:46,728 --> 00:56:49,607
Speaker 1: this in a way that feels really purposeful. So there

906
00:56:49,608 --> 00:56:54,567
Speaker 1: are templates to share and to relieve some of the

907
00:56:54,608 --> 00:56:57,008
Speaker 1: mental load. And there's also all of the scripts. So

908
00:56:57,048 --> 00:57:00,127
Speaker 1: I've got over seventy four scripts and messages. And this

909
00:57:00,168 --> 00:57:02,408
Speaker 1: is everything from calling the bank and knowing what to

910
00:57:02,448 --> 00:57:05,048
Speaker 1: say to get through to the right department, what documents

911
00:57:05,048 --> 00:57:07,288
Speaker 1: you need to have available for that phone call, what

912
00:57:07,448 --> 00:57:10,328
Speaker 1: questions they may ask you, but even like a text

913
00:57:10,368 --> 00:57:12,888
Speaker 1: message that you could send to a friend to ask

914
00:57:12,928 --> 00:57:15,808
Speaker 1: them to pets at your cap Like I wanted it

915
00:57:15,848 --> 00:57:18,008
Speaker 1: to be everything, because there's so much mental loads. So

916
00:57:18,448 --> 00:57:20,768
Speaker 1: that's the course. I've got a whole module on like

917
00:57:20,848 --> 00:57:23,208
Speaker 1: financial and legal foundations and what you just need to

918
00:57:23,208 --> 00:57:26,408
Speaker 1: get by until you can speak to a professional navigating

919
00:57:26,448 --> 00:57:29,048
Speaker 1: grief with kids. So just trying to be that really holistic.

920
00:57:29,168 --> 00:57:35,208
Speaker 1: And I never expected to work in grief, and I

921
00:57:35,248 --> 00:57:42,208
Speaker 1: feel so aligned and everything I've created I've done and

922
00:57:42,488 --> 00:57:45,088
Speaker 1: I've lived it. I've just consolidated it now and I'm

923
00:57:45,128 --> 00:57:55,008
Speaker 1: now sharing it. It feels humbling and sad because when

924
00:57:55,048 --> 00:57:58,008
Speaker 1: I created this initially, I created the checklist and I

925
00:57:58,008 --> 00:57:59,968
Speaker 1: shared it with a funeral director as well as a

926
00:58:00,008 --> 00:58:02,448
Speaker 1: grief and drama specialist, and I said, if I'm going

927
00:58:02,488 --> 00:58:04,008
Speaker 1: to share this, I want to check that it's right,

928
00:58:05,088 --> 00:58:09,168
Speaker 1: and between the two of them, highly experienced, they had

929
00:58:09,168 --> 00:58:12,448
Speaker 1: one top point to add. And that's when I had

930
00:58:12,448 --> 00:58:15,248
Speaker 1: a big cry because I realized that I had done

931
00:58:15,288 --> 00:58:17,808
Speaker 1: it all and I sort of hadn't really processed that.

932
00:58:17,968 --> 00:58:22,008
Speaker 1: And so doing this work now feels like I'm really

933
00:58:22,048 --> 00:58:25,928
Speaker 1: proud of it, and I'm still in disbelief that I've

934
00:58:26,408 --> 00:58:29,088
Speaker 1: done it now, created this and then sharing it. So

935
00:58:29,288 --> 00:58:33,688
Speaker 1: I always feel both, yeah, that the sadness is always there,

936
00:58:35,008 --> 00:58:38,208
Speaker 1: and I know how helpful this can be. So I

937
00:58:38,248 --> 00:58:40,968
Speaker 1: feel really proud that I might be able to give

938
00:58:41,048 --> 00:58:43,808
Speaker 1: some light and some hope to someone because I know

939
00:58:44,768 --> 00:58:49,248
Speaker 1: the darkness they are in. There's a lot that's different

940
00:58:49,248 --> 00:58:55,008
Speaker 1: with new Ash. She's a lot more resilient. She's also

941
00:58:55,048 --> 00:59:01,088
Speaker 1: a lot more fragile, and she's still working on her joy.

942
00:59:01,808 --> 00:59:04,288
Speaker 1: There is a lot there, but she's a lot more

943
00:59:05,248 --> 00:59:12,088
Speaker 1: maybe cautious, and she's been through a lot. There's a

944
00:59:12,088 --> 00:59:18,128
Speaker 1: few things that come out of trauma because I can

945
00:59:18,608 --> 00:59:24,088
Speaker 1: vividly recall sounds, smells. Like I said, the time of

946
00:59:24,128 --> 00:59:28,248
Speaker 1: the day, multiple things are a trigger, and that is

947
00:59:28,328 --> 00:59:32,808
Speaker 1: due to trauma. I don't cross the road unless it's

948
00:59:32,808 --> 00:59:35,648
Speaker 1: out a set of traffic lights. I'm very traumatized by that.

949
00:59:36,048 --> 00:59:39,928
Speaker 1: I'm very aware of road safety, especially with the kids.

950
00:59:40,448 --> 00:59:42,648
Speaker 1: We've actually just returned from a little holiday with some

951
00:59:42,768 --> 00:59:45,968
Speaker 1: friends of ours and a beautiful you know, six families

952
00:59:45,968 --> 00:59:50,128
Speaker 1: that we've met through daycare, and I definitely had some

953
00:59:50,248 --> 00:59:54,808
Speaker 1: tears behind closed doors. Seeing a dad with the family

954
00:59:54,928 --> 01:00:03,488
Speaker 1: unit is hard watching, you know, dads build sand castles

955
01:00:03,488 --> 01:00:07,048
Speaker 1: with their kids, hearing the kids laugh at dad, you know,

956
01:00:07,288 --> 01:00:11,528
Speaker 1: dad jokes and that sort of thing. But even seeing

957
01:00:11,648 --> 01:00:15,968
Speaker 1: parents co parent and be able to tag team, you know,

958
01:00:16,088 --> 01:00:20,728
Speaker 1: on this holiday, they're tag teaming parenting, they're tag teaming

959
01:00:20,728 --> 01:00:23,448
Speaker 1: the chores. They're even having a little nap during the day,

960
01:00:24,168 --> 01:00:29,208
Speaker 1: and like all well and good, no hard feelings, and

961
01:00:29,328 --> 01:00:32,488
Speaker 1: it's also really confronting, and you know, the easier thing

962
01:00:32,528 --> 01:00:35,128
Speaker 1: would have been for me to have declined that trip

963
01:00:35,168 --> 01:00:39,368
Speaker 1: and said, you know what, too much, can't do it. Thanks,

964
01:00:39,448 --> 01:00:41,688
Speaker 1: but no thanks, and then we would have missed the

965
01:00:41,808 --> 01:00:48,488
Speaker 1: joy because this beautiful friendship circle also allowed me to

966
01:00:48,608 --> 01:00:53,448
Speaker 1: experience that for a brief moment. And these friends also

967
01:00:53,968 --> 01:00:57,888
Speaker 1: support the kids and I and they also help me

968
01:00:59,448 --> 01:01:02,448
Speaker 1: to give these memories to the kids. They were helping

969
01:01:02,448 --> 01:01:05,368
Speaker 1: me with the kids on their bikes, and so they

970
01:01:05,448 --> 01:01:09,848
Speaker 1: make sure while they're creating their memories, there's also group memory.

971
01:01:10,368 --> 01:01:13,608
Speaker 1: But they're supporting me to help make memories with our

972
01:01:13,688 --> 01:01:19,488
Speaker 1: kids too, and so there are things that are triggering,

973
01:01:19,728 --> 01:01:22,208
Speaker 1: there's still that joy. So that's where I'm finding joy

974
01:01:22,288 --> 01:01:24,568
Speaker 1: now and it's not the same and it is in

975
01:01:24,648 --> 01:01:28,208
Speaker 1: parallel with heartbreak, but I wouldn't have got that had

976
01:01:28,248 --> 01:01:29,928
Speaker 1: we not gone on that trip, for example, I would

977
01:01:29,928 --> 01:01:33,128
Speaker 1: have missed that. And we have come away with beautiful

978
01:01:33,168 --> 01:01:36,088
Speaker 1: memories and we've had a lot of fun. I'm exhausted

979
01:01:36,088 --> 01:01:38,888
Speaker 1: because I've done everything for four days. There's no naps

980
01:01:38,928 --> 01:01:44,247
Speaker 1: on my schedule, there's no tag teaming, and I am here,

981
01:01:45,448 --> 01:01:47,968
Speaker 1: that's not I am and I get to do those things.

982
01:01:47,968 --> 01:01:53,008
Speaker 1: So it's never a feeling of jealousy towards our friends

983
01:01:53,088 --> 01:01:57,008
Speaker 1: or to anyone else, any other family. Of course I

984
01:01:57,048 --> 01:02:00,128
Speaker 1: feel sad, but I get to do these things. I

985
01:02:00,168 --> 01:02:03,008
Speaker 1: get to show up for our kids, and there is

986
01:02:03,048 --> 01:02:05,968
Speaker 1: a lot of beauty in that. The future looks like

987
01:02:06,088 --> 01:02:09,328
Speaker 1: more running races in the backyard with the kids, lots

988
01:02:09,328 --> 01:02:15,648
Speaker 1: of straw milkshakes, and just joy. That's what the future

989
01:02:15,688 --> 01:02:20,448
Speaker 1: looks like, creating more joy. I hope that our kids

990
01:02:21,728 --> 01:02:28,528
Speaker 1: always know how much Mummy and Daddy love them, and honestly,

991
01:02:28,888 --> 01:02:32,288
Speaker 1: I just hope that they're happy and healthy, because that

992
01:02:32,488 --> 01:02:37,008
Speaker 1: is the greatest gift. I will always feel such a

993
01:02:37,128 --> 01:02:42,928
Speaker 1: deep sense of gratitude to and to continue to have

994
01:02:44,288 --> 01:02:47,888
Speaker 1: such a deep love. To have lived a fairy tale

995
01:02:48,928 --> 01:02:54,247
Speaker 1: is truly magical, and so I always feel so much

996
01:02:54,608 --> 01:03:01,928
Speaker 1: love for that, and to take that into life now

997
01:03:02,008 --> 01:03:06,768
Speaker 1: and to be present and to despite the dark chapters,

998
01:03:06,848 --> 01:03:10,768
Speaker 1: not be completely jaded by that that, yes, life is

999
01:03:10,808 --> 01:03:13,128
Speaker 1: different now and I'm not the same and I look

1000
01:03:13,208 --> 01:03:15,088
Speaker 1: different in the mirror and all of those things, but

1001
01:03:17,088 --> 01:03:20,448
Speaker 1: to not let it ruin the rest of the book either,

1002
01:03:20,728 --> 01:03:23,688
Speaker 1: and that I can still rewrite well, I can still

1003
01:03:23,728 --> 01:03:25,768
Speaker 1: write those next chapters with a lot of love and

1004
01:03:25,808 --> 01:03:28,608
Speaker 1: a lot of joy, and it's not the book that

1005
01:03:28,648 --> 01:03:30,648
Speaker 1: I thought i'd be finishing, but there's still a lot

1006
01:03:30,688 --> 01:03:36,808
Speaker 1: of blank pages, so to allow myself to still live

1007
01:03:36,848 --> 01:03:39,448
Speaker 1: a fairy tale even though it's different. But the kids

1008
01:03:39,448 --> 01:03:42,088
Speaker 1: and I have still got a beautiful life to live

1009
01:03:42,488 --> 01:03:44,568
Speaker 1: and a lot of joy and happiness to come, So

1010
01:03:45,128 --> 01:03:45,968
Speaker 1: I don't want to miss that.

1011
01:04:03,328 --> 01:04:06,608
Speaker 2: Everyone has an Ex's a Minti Media production and proudly

1012
01:04:06,688 --> 01:04:09,408
Speaker 2: part of the Mum and mea Network. This episode is

1013
01:04:09,408 --> 01:04:12,768
Speaker 2: written and narrated and the interview conducted by me Georgia

1014
01:04:12,808 --> 01:04:15,488
Speaker 2: Love and produced by Linda Scott. If you have a

1015
01:04:15,488 --> 01:04:18,768
Speaker 2: story you'd like to share, email podcast at momamea dot

1016
01:04:18,768 --> 01:04:21,488
Speaker 2: com dot au. You can support us by following the

1017
01:04:21,568 --> 01:04:24,328
Speaker 2: show in your favorite podcast app and leaving us a

1018
01:04:24,368 --> 01:04:25,248
Speaker 2: five star review.