WEBVTT - In Defence Of Marital Secrets 0:00:10.327 --> 0:00:13.047 You're listening to Amma Mia podcast. 0:00:13.727 --> 0:00:16.767 Mamma Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of land and waters 0:00:16.807 --> 0:00:23.487 that this podcast is recorded on Hello, and welcome to 0:00:23.527 --> 0:00:25.927 Mamma Mia out Loud and to our Friday show. 0:00:26.007 --> 0:00:27.207 You know what happens on Friday. 0:00:27.687 --> 0:00:29.967 We let go of the news cycle and we just 0:00:30.007 --> 0:00:32.287 take a deep breath in and then we just go. 0:00:33.727 --> 0:00:35.687 Yes, we do a bit of We were talking about 0:00:35.687 --> 0:00:38.927 whim Hoff. He'd want us to do what box breathing. 0:00:38.847 --> 0:00:40.967 And in through one nostril and out through that. You 0:00:41.007 --> 0:00:42.847 wouldn't be able to hear that out louder, So that's fine. 0:00:42.887 --> 0:00:43.807 Maybe we are doing that. 0:00:43.967 --> 0:00:48.247 Maybe It's Friday, the eighteenth of October, and my name 0:00:48.367 --> 0:00:49.247 is Holly Wayne Wright. 0:00:49.407 --> 0:00:51.647 I'm Jesse Stevens and I'm in Burnham. 0:00:51.807 --> 0:00:54.447 You can normally hear me on our daily entertainment podcast 0:00:54.447 --> 0:00:56.247 The Spill. I'm filling in for mea. 0:00:56.047 --> 0:01:00.407 Today and on the show in Defense of Marital Secrets? 0:01:00.647 --> 0:01:03.887 Does intimacy really have to go hand in hand with 0:01:04.007 --> 0:01:08.047 being a wide open book? Also, we have your weekend 0:01:08.047 --> 0:01:10.487 recommendations for you. I've got a book that blew my 0:01:10.567 --> 0:01:13.487 tiny mind. Jesse is pretending she watches other things. Than 0:01:13.527 --> 0:01:16.487 true crime docos, and wants to tell you about something 0:01:16.527 --> 0:01:19.087 British and scary. Who is It's not you my mother? 0:01:20.967 --> 0:01:22.367 Also what it's really. 0:01:22.247 --> 0:01:24.407 Like to live without a phone, a man on a 0:01:24.447 --> 0:01:27.487 train and the truth about them sicky. It's best and 0:01:27.567 --> 0:01:30.367 worst of the week, But first, Jesse Stevens. 0:01:33.167 --> 0:01:36.647 In case you missed it. How you dream depends on 0:01:36.767 --> 0:01:39.647 where you're from and how old you are. Em you're 0:01:39.687 --> 0:01:41.447 in your twenties, so I'm going to assume you dream 0:01:41.447 --> 0:01:46.207 in TikTok in dancing sound bites where you're just mouthing. 0:01:46.967 --> 0:01:49.847 An article in The Washington Post looked at the differences 0:01:49.847 --> 0:01:52.127 between how we dream and did you know that if 0:01:52.167 --> 0:01:55.287 you grew up without a color television, so that would 0:01:55.287 --> 0:01:58.447 mean that you're in your seventies or something, then you're 0:01:58.567 --> 0:02:00.207 less likely to dream in color. 0:02:01.047 --> 0:02:07.767 I was gonna say fifties. I'm a bit of excuse me. 0:02:07.927 --> 0:02:11.287 It was once believed dreaming and color was associated with 0:02:11.327 --> 0:02:15.807 psychological issues, but that myth has now been dispelled. Younger people, 0:02:16.007 --> 0:02:19.607 based on a number of surveys, generally dream more in color, 0:02:19.687 --> 0:02:22.367 but this drops by about twenty percent by the age 0:02:22.367 --> 0:02:26.247 of sixty. Dream recall, including the level of detail is 0:02:26.327 --> 0:02:30.087 understood to decline with age without telling me what you 0:02:30.127 --> 0:02:33.487 dreamed about last night, because I do not care. Do 0:02:33.527 --> 0:02:34.887 you dream in color? Yeah? 0:02:34.967 --> 0:02:36.887 I dream in color. So are we saying that when 0:02:36.887 --> 0:02:39.087 I get older, I'll stop dreaming in color, like my 0:02:39.087 --> 0:02:41.727 ink runs out? Those are just the generations now. 0:02:42.047 --> 0:02:44.927 No, I believe that as you get older, well you'll 0:02:44.967 --> 0:02:48.007 recall declines. But yeah, it's not as kind of vivid. 0:02:48.127 --> 0:02:49.247 The color is as vivid. 0:02:49.487 --> 0:02:51.647 No, I still dream in color, so that means I'm 0:02:51.727 --> 0:02:53.007 very youthful and young. 0:02:53.127 --> 0:02:55.367 And do you dream in faces? Like is it like 0:02:55.367 --> 0:02:56.607 a movie? What does it look like? 0:02:56.807 --> 0:02:59.567 Yeah, it's like I'm living my life. So my worst 0:02:59.647 --> 0:03:02.167 dream ever is when I dream like that I'm coming 0:03:02.167 --> 0:03:04.127 to work, because then I wake up and I still 0:03:04.167 --> 0:03:06.447 have to go to work, so I feel that I've 0:03:06.487 --> 0:03:09.407 done it twice. I do have this reoccurring dream that 0:03:09.407 --> 0:03:12.167 I thought everyone got until I started talking about it 0:03:12.647 --> 0:03:15.167 and people are like, that's weird. Where it's like if 0:03:15.167 --> 0:03:17.567 I go to sleep without going to the bathroom before 0:03:17.607 --> 0:03:19.247 going to sleep and I need to start going to 0:03:19.247 --> 0:03:22.887 the bathroom, I'll dream about going to a toilet, but 0:03:22.967 --> 0:03:25.127 my dream will like stop me from actually entering the 0:03:25.207 --> 0:03:27.767 cubicle because it doesn't want me to pee in the bed. 0:03:28.367 --> 0:03:29.567 And then I suddenly wake up and I'm like, oh 0:03:29.567 --> 0:03:30.687 my god, I need to go a bathroom. 0:03:31.007 --> 0:03:32.967 Oh no, I don't have those. I just get woken 0:03:33.047 --> 0:03:35.567 up like all the time by needing to pee. 0:03:35.607 --> 0:03:38.607 So you're subconscious is saying go, it's protecting me. Yeah, 0:03:38.847 --> 0:03:40.807 And it's like making all these locks on the bathroom door. 0:03:40.807 --> 0:03:42.487 I can't get to I can't remember. 0:03:42.527 --> 0:03:44.047 I'm trying to think if I dream in color, I 0:03:44.127 --> 0:03:46.207 must dream in color, right, because I'm not that old. 0:03:46.807 --> 0:03:49.967 But also I don't know. I always remember the vibe 0:03:50.007 --> 0:03:52.087 of the dream rather than the visuals. 0:03:52.207 --> 0:03:53.247 So do you mean the vibe? 0:03:53.447 --> 0:03:54.007 Was it scary? 0:03:54.127 --> 0:03:54.647 Was it happy? 0:03:54.767 --> 0:03:55.207 Was it good? 0:03:55.247 --> 0:03:55.927 Did I like it? 0:03:56.007 --> 0:03:56.967 Was it making me anxious? 0:03:57.247 --> 0:03:59.527 So that's what a lot of research on dreams is 0:03:59.567 --> 0:04:01.647 said that the thing that sticks with you about dreams 0:04:01.687 --> 0:04:03.727 often isn't the imagery but the feeling. You know, you 0:04:03.767 --> 0:04:05.727 wake up with a bad feeling some days and then 0:04:05.727 --> 0:04:09.087 you're like, oh, I had this terrible dream. Sometimes I 0:04:09.127 --> 0:04:12.087 put put together the plot. But I think I've read 0:04:12.127 --> 0:04:14.887 that dreams are actually just your brain throwing you a 0:04:14.887 --> 0:04:16.767 bunch of random images from your day, and then the 0:04:16.767 --> 0:04:18.327 way the brain works is that it has to make 0:04:18.327 --> 0:04:21.087 a coherent story, so then you try and put something together. 0:04:21.487 --> 0:04:23.887 But I often just remember the plot. I don't think 0:04:23.927 --> 0:04:27.247 I dream in images or anything. Really, I'm definitely not 0:04:27.287 --> 0:04:28.367 seeing it like a movie. 0:04:28.407 --> 0:04:31.447 And you know, people dream in the language they're speaking 0:04:31.487 --> 0:04:34.407 and stuff like that, right, because our head of content 0:04:34.487 --> 0:04:36.647 was telling us, because she lives in a bilingual house, 0:04:37.087 --> 0:04:40.807 her little boys still dream in Swedish. 0:04:40.367 --> 0:04:42.527 Which because they language talk. She was saying, they actually 0:04:42.567 --> 0:04:44.327 sleep talk in Swedish, which. 0:04:44.087 --> 0:04:45.927 Is the language their dad speaks to them, and that 0:04:46.007 --> 0:04:48.687 they were immersed in when they were tiny and she 0:04:48.727 --> 0:04:49.287 was pregnant with me. 0:04:49.407 --> 0:04:51.087 In your dreams, does everyone have a British accent? 0:04:53.607 --> 0:04:56.327 It's a very good question. You have to pay more 0:04:56.327 --> 0:05:00.327 attention next time I'm dreaming. When I was on holiday, 0:05:00.367 --> 0:05:01.887 you know how when he's sleeping a stranger, I don't worry. 0:05:01.887 --> 0:05:03.327 I'm not going to tell you my dreams. I agree 0:05:03.367 --> 0:05:05.647 with you, Jesse boring. But when I was on holiday, 0:05:05.687 --> 0:05:07.567 you know, when he's sleeping in strange bed, I had 0:05:07.567 --> 0:05:10.607 a really scary dream, like a nightmare, like a kid, 0:05:10.607 --> 0:05:13.607 and I woke up just like but even now I 0:05:13.647 --> 0:05:15.567 couldn't tell you was it color? Was it in English? 0:05:15.687 --> 0:05:17.167 Was it in Mancuni? And I don't know. 0:05:21.287 --> 0:05:25.807 The Atlantic posted an article titled in Defense of Marital Secrets. 0:05:26.047 --> 0:05:28.607 It was based off an idea from Lauren Elkins's book 0:05:28.607 --> 0:05:32.607 called Scaffolding, which suggests that you actually shouldn't tell your 0:05:32.647 --> 0:05:35.887 partner everything and that total honesty can only take a 0:05:35.927 --> 0:05:37.207 relationship so far. 0:05:38.487 --> 0:05:40.887 This completely blew. 0:05:40.807 --> 0:05:44.087 My mind because I've not been in a relationship, and 0:05:44.167 --> 0:05:47.287 I thought the whole point of being in a relationship 0:05:47.327 --> 0:05:50.967 is that you finally have someone to tell everything too. 0:05:51.207 --> 0:05:52.647 I mean, you know, when you say you haven't been 0:05:52.687 --> 0:05:55.167 in a relationship, what's your longest relationship? 0:05:55.327 --> 0:05:57.567 Probably like a year in a bit, that's a. 0:05:57.607 --> 0:06:00.767 Relationship, Yeah, but like it's one that I want to 0:06:00.767 --> 0:06:02.927 forget about it. You don't call it like you haven't 0:06:02.967 --> 0:06:05.527 lived with someone or that kind of thing. So you've 0:06:05.647 --> 0:06:08.127 dated people, but not for longer than that. 0:06:08.527 --> 0:06:11.087 Yeah, I've never been with someone where I was like, 0:06:11.127 --> 0:06:12.007 this is my person? 0:06:12.287 --> 0:06:12.567 Right? 0:06:12.807 --> 0:06:14.167 Have you been in love? Yes? 0:06:14.847 --> 0:06:18.007 And did you feel like that should come with no secrets? 0:06:18.207 --> 0:06:21.887 No? No, I think like when you live with someone, 0:06:21.927 --> 0:06:23.447 I think it's the twenty four seven, like, once you 0:06:23.447 --> 0:06:26.847 spend twenty four seven with someone, that's when I feel 0:06:26.887 --> 0:06:30.527 like I believed when someone's meant to know everything about you. 0:06:30.807 --> 0:06:38.047 And what you're speaking to is exactly the myth. I 0:06:38.087 --> 0:06:42.247 think we're fed from childhood because I thought exactly the 0:06:42.287 --> 0:06:44.487 same thing. I have a twin, so I have a 0:06:44.487 --> 0:06:47.887 built in best friend, but I definitely had this sense 0:06:48.007 --> 0:06:50.767 that one day there would be someone who really knew 0:06:50.847 --> 0:06:53.007 me inside and out, they knew everything about me, and 0:06:53.007 --> 0:06:56.807 I would have this best friend where I was porous, 0:06:57.087 --> 0:06:58.967 and I guess this is like some sort of fairy 0:06:59.007 --> 0:07:02.247 tale thing. Perhaps we learned through movies and books and 0:07:02.287 --> 0:07:07.047 stuff that someone will complete you and then you'll live 0:07:07.087 --> 0:07:09.687 with them and there'll never be any secret and they'll 0:07:09.727 --> 0:07:15.047 be total intimacy. But this thing happens where you add 0:07:15.047 --> 0:07:20.447 in other factors like sex, like money, like kids, like 0:07:20.687 --> 0:07:24.527 in laws, and suddenly, in fact, friendships are a lot 0:07:24.567 --> 0:07:27.927 simpler because with my best friends, we're not sharing money, 0:07:28.167 --> 0:07:30.847 and we're not navigating a sex life, and we're not 0:07:31.047 --> 0:07:34.767 deciding how to copare and a child. So in fact, 0:07:34.807 --> 0:07:38.207 to have a loving partnership, I've found that sometimes those 0:07:38.207 --> 0:07:40.687 secrets are necessary. Do you think the same thing, Holly. 0:07:41.007 --> 0:07:44.647 Well, obviously people. 0:07:44.447 --> 0:07:48.967 Doesn't even know where she lives. You know, you know, 0:07:49.087 --> 0:07:51.047 I like it. I like my privacy. 0:07:52.407 --> 0:07:54.807 I might live with three other people, and presd and 0:07:54.847 --> 0:08:00.767 I have been together twenty years private person. When I 0:08:00.807 --> 0:08:03.367 read this headline, I loved it in defense of marital secrets, 0:08:03.407 --> 0:08:09.087 because I think as relationships progress, you do need to 0:08:09.447 --> 0:08:11.407 bits of yourself. And one of the things that blew 0:08:11.447 --> 0:08:13.207 this open for me. We've talked about this on the 0:08:13.207 --> 0:08:16.007 show before, but Jesse has just read All Fours by 0:08:16.007 --> 0:08:18.527 Miranda july Sovian. It's a story about a woman in 0:08:18.567 --> 0:08:21.807 midlife who I mean, she's having a midlife crisis really. 0:08:21.847 --> 0:08:23.647 But one of the things in the first half of 0:08:23.647 --> 0:08:25.607 the book that she keeps saying about her relationship with 0:08:25.647 --> 0:08:28.687 her husband, which is all pretty ordinary relationship to be honest, 0:08:29.047 --> 0:08:31.767 is that one day they will be some kind of 0:08:31.807 --> 0:08:37.047 breakthrough where they truly know each other in any everything, 0:08:37.287 --> 0:08:40.647 and that they're like just two souls like bleeding together, 0:08:40.727 --> 0:08:43.087 and he will truly know her in every way and 0:08:43.207 --> 0:08:46.887 understand all her weirdness and eccentricities and her him, and 0:08:46.967 --> 0:08:49.047 they'll tell each other all their thoughts and all the 0:08:49.047 --> 0:08:50.887 weird things that you're scared to say out loud and 0:08:50.927 --> 0:08:53.847 all of those things right, and that doesn't happen. But 0:08:54.967 --> 0:08:57.487 it's interesting because I do think, as Jesse says, that's 0:08:57.527 --> 0:09:00.767 what we think, that's what romantic love has to be, 0:09:01.847 --> 0:09:08.087 but that actually probably as relationships progress, to stay successful 0:09:08.327 --> 0:09:11.927 and healthy, you need to keep bits of yourself, you 0:09:11.967 --> 0:09:14.687 know what I mean, You need to you and you're you. 0:09:14.887 --> 0:09:17.567 So we asked the out louders right about whether or 0:09:17.607 --> 0:09:20.047 not they think it's okay to keep secrets in their relationships, 0:09:20.047 --> 0:09:21.607 and they gave us some examples, but one of them 0:09:21.607 --> 0:09:24.247 that I really I like this because you've got to remember, 0:09:24.287 --> 0:09:26.527 if you're thinking about marital secrets, there's a difference, and 0:09:26.487 --> 0:09:29.447 a very important difference between a secret and a lie. 0:09:29.607 --> 0:09:33.687 Right in my opinion, and obviously i'm a relationship guru, 0:09:34.607 --> 0:09:37.447 an unmarried relationship guru. In my mon there should be 0:09:37.487 --> 0:09:40.727 a bright line about lying like not cool I mean 0:09:40.967 --> 0:09:43.207 white lies. I know that's a term that's very unpopular 0:09:43.207 --> 0:09:46.207 because all lies of deception, but I don't think it's 0:09:46.207 --> 0:09:48.647 a lie when somebody says how much was that shirt 0:09:48.687 --> 0:09:50.327 and you say I can't remember, I don't think. 0:09:50.207 --> 0:09:53.007 That's See my parents have always had a rule where 0:09:53.087 --> 0:09:55.087 I think they both know what happens. My mum halves 0:09:55.167 --> 0:09:57.407 the amount because she knows he'll double it. Yeah, so 0:09:57.447 --> 0:09:59.327 that's how it works. It's like Dad will say how 0:09:59.407 --> 0:10:01.847 much did the new door cost? And she'll be like, 0:10:02.007 --> 0:10:04.847 m fifty dollars and he's like, it cost one hundred dollars. 0:10:04.887 --> 0:10:05.807 And that's just how they speak. 0:10:06.007 --> 0:10:09.767 Yeah, and so I think that that does you. 0:10:10.247 --> 0:10:11.247 But no, I don't think. 0:10:11.127 --> 0:10:13.447 That counts as a lie, right, I don't think that 0:10:13.487 --> 0:10:16.087 counts as a lie. Like a lie is different. If 0:10:16.127 --> 0:10:18.367 someone asks you something directly and you don't tell them, 0:10:18.367 --> 0:10:20.447 that's a lie, and that's a breach of trust. But 0:10:20.727 --> 0:10:24.247 not telling them everything, that's different. Right, And then let 0:10:24.287 --> 0:10:27.127 me quote you this out Louder quoted Outlander. The outlouders 0:10:27.127 --> 0:10:29.887 who have watched Outlander or read Outlander. That's the one 0:10:30.287 --> 0:10:32.127 about the very hot man in a kilt and some 0:10:32.207 --> 0:10:33.847 time traveling. That's all you need to know about that. 0:10:34.407 --> 0:10:37.367 But this out Louder said. One of the favorite lines 0:10:37.407 --> 0:10:39.687 about Outlander not going to do the accent because that 0:10:39.687 --> 0:10:42.807 would be offensive to Scott's everywhere is there are things 0:10:42.967 --> 0:10:45.727 I can't tell you, at least not yet. And I'll 0:10:45.767 --> 0:10:47.927 ask nothing of you that you can't give me. But 0:10:48.007 --> 0:10:50.207 what I would ask of you when you do tell 0:10:50.247 --> 0:10:52.407 me something, let it be the truth. And I promise 0:10:52.447 --> 0:10:55.967 you the same. We have nothing between us but respect, perhaps, 0:10:56.287 --> 0:10:59.087 and I think that respect has some room for secrets, 0:10:59.167 --> 0:11:00.127 but not for lies. 0:11:00.247 --> 0:11:00.927 Do you agree? 0:11:01.007 --> 0:11:03.607 And I'm like, yes, I agree. I now live my 0:11:03.687 --> 0:11:04.647 life by outlander. 0:11:04.727 --> 0:11:08.767 Yes, yeah, I think that that's an important difference. One 0:11:08.767 --> 0:11:11.087 of my friends, this is one of my favorite secrets, 0:11:11.207 --> 0:11:14.927 is that she had booked a Plartes class that she 0:11:14.967 --> 0:11:17.127 was meant to go to and she rushed to get 0:11:17.127 --> 0:11:20.247 there and she missed it, like just was five ten 0:11:20.247 --> 0:11:22.847 minutes lights, so couldn't go. And then she was like, well, 0:11:22.887 --> 0:11:24.047 you know what, I'm hungry. I'm going to go get 0:11:24.127 --> 0:11:27.567 drived through. So she spent that hour sitting there just 0:11:27.727 --> 0:11:31.127 eighty McDonald's. And when she got home, he said, how 0:11:31.287 --> 0:11:35.447 the vallarates class? And she said, good, but is that 0:11:35.527 --> 0:11:38.247 a lie? That's a lie? It probably is, but to 0:11:38.367 --> 0:11:41.207 me harmless secret. That secret the type of thing you 0:11:41.247 --> 0:11:42.927 will tell all of your friends, but you just look 0:11:42.967 --> 0:11:44.767 at them and you're like, I still want you to 0:11:44.847 --> 0:11:45.127 love me. 0:11:46.327 --> 0:11:49.327 Plisso what about this one. This is another out loud 0:11:49.327 --> 0:11:51.607 ast one. My husband and I have no secrets from 0:11:51.607 --> 0:11:54.807 the time we've been together, but we haven't disclosed all 0:11:54.847 --> 0:11:58.047 the details of our lives before that because honestly, neither 0:11:58.087 --> 0:12:00.367 of us really need to know the antics of each 0:12:00.367 --> 0:12:01.327 other in their twenties. 0:12:01.447 --> 0:12:02.167 Is that cool? 0:12:02.487 --> 0:12:03.127 I think so? 0:12:03.527 --> 0:12:03.807 No. 0:12:04.487 --> 0:12:06.767 In your mind, when you meet the one with capital 0:12:06.807 --> 0:12:10.007 T capital oh, you'll tell them everything ever happened to you, 0:12:10.087 --> 0:12:12.127 and they'll tell you everything that's ever happened to them. 0:12:12.167 --> 0:12:12.367 Yeah. 0:12:12.407 --> 0:12:15.047 I picture us going like doing that. I love yous, 0:12:15.167 --> 0:12:16.607 Like we're in bed doing that, I love you and 0:12:16.607 --> 0:12:19.407 we're sitting up and we're like, now go and then 0:12:19.407 --> 0:12:22.567 you're just like a list every single thing about like 0:12:22.647 --> 0:12:25.047 your life, everything that no one else knows. And then 0:12:25.087 --> 0:12:28.727 he goes and I'm like, will this make it? Hopefully? 0:12:29.567 --> 0:12:32.567 Okay, here's an example, right, this is this is one. 0:12:32.927 --> 0:12:35.287 So you've been in a relationship, and one thing that 0:12:35.647 --> 0:12:37.727 Luca and I said before we got married is, and 0:12:37.887 --> 0:12:41.767 we're very influenced by Esparrell, is just because you're married 0:12:41.767 --> 0:12:43.047 to someone, or just because you're in a long term 0:12:43.087 --> 0:12:45.487 monogamous relationship doesn't mean that every now and then you're 0:12:45.487 --> 0:12:47.367 gonna find someone else attractive, right, It's gonna be a 0:12:47.367 --> 0:12:50.167 little crushes and that's absolutely fine. And the other day 0:12:50.167 --> 0:12:53.167 we're talking about something, and something came up about someone 0:12:53.207 --> 0:12:55.967 that Luke thought was attractive, and he decided he would 0:12:55.967 --> 0:12:58.807 tell me that, and I thought that would best be 0:12:58.967 --> 0:13:00.967 kept to see. Yeah, was it a real. 0:13:00.847 --> 0:13:01.807 Person or a celebrity? 0:13:01.847 --> 0:13:02.607 Oh, it was a real person. 0:13:02.767 --> 0:13:03.007 Yes. 0:13:03.767 --> 0:13:05.207 He just kind of went on about it a bit 0:13:05.247 --> 0:13:06.807 and I kept trying to cut him down. 0:13:07.087 --> 0:13:07.127 No. 0:13:07.367 --> 0:13:09.527 Yeah, but and then criticize them, and he was like, 0:13:09.727 --> 0:13:12.527 I don't really think that, And I just thought that's 0:13:12.527 --> 0:13:13.327 an inside thought. 0:13:13.407 --> 0:13:17.847 See this is interesting because my general philosophy about relationships 0:13:17.927 --> 0:13:19.607 is that blanket rules a bully it because we're all different, 0:13:19.647 --> 0:13:20.207 so we all know. 0:13:20.287 --> 0:13:21.287 Any out louder knows that. 0:13:21.367 --> 0:13:26.967 Jesse is a bit jealous, So Luca should have shut 0:13:27.047 --> 0:13:27.607 up about that. 0:13:27.807 --> 0:13:29.887 I reckon, when you have a crush, I don't think 0:13:29.887 --> 0:13:31.887 you need to tell your partner about it. No, I agreed. 0:13:32.287 --> 0:13:34.687 But there are some couples for whom that would be 0:13:34.767 --> 0:13:37.167 quite exciting, and they would tease each other about it 0:13:37.207 --> 0:13:39.927 and be like, next time you're enough, Oh you live 0:13:40.087 --> 0:13:41.847 her who you like? And they would have fun with it. 0:13:42.047 --> 0:13:45.087 You're not that peronn't think that's fun, But do you 0:13:45.167 --> 0:13:46.647 secretly want to know? 0:13:47.287 --> 0:13:51.007 This is a complexity, is that Luca will never and 0:13:51.087 --> 0:13:53.447 has never lied to me, like he is the honest 0:13:53.487 --> 0:13:56.647 to a fault. Probably his greatest flaw is that he 0:13:56.687 --> 0:14:01.527 could be a little bit gentler with the truth. But 0:14:01.927 --> 0:14:04.087 him telling me that, also in terms of trust, I 0:14:04.167 --> 0:14:06.687 just went, I've got nothing to worry about because honestly, 0:14:06.767 --> 0:14:10.687 Luke will call me before he cheats, like he's not 0:14:10.727 --> 0:14:13.767 going to do something behind my back. So in that 0:14:13.887 --> 0:14:17.647 way there's the trust. But also there are some details, 0:14:17.687 --> 0:14:20.127 and I think this is also about you might be 0:14:20.247 --> 0:14:23.207 at a certain position in your relationship. There are things 0:14:23.247 --> 0:14:26.087 that in any relationship you find hard about each other, 0:14:26.847 --> 0:14:29.567 and I don't think sometimes trying to hide those is 0:14:29.607 --> 0:14:33.007 necessarily a bad thing. So even like Lucra and I have, 0:14:33.487 --> 0:14:36.287 I think it's a barefoot investor thing. The NQA account, 0:14:36.447 --> 0:14:39.047 which is the no questions asking acount, which is like 0:14:39.207 --> 0:14:41.127 we get a certain amount of money every month and 0:14:41.127 --> 0:14:43.127 we don't look at all. The other person wants if 0:14:43.167 --> 0:14:44.807 I want to go and spend my money at Mecca, 0:14:45.287 --> 0:14:46.887 and he thinks that that's not a good use of money, 0:14:47.007 --> 0:14:49.647 none of his business, and like, we don't have to 0:14:49.687 --> 0:14:50.647 be in each other's. 0:14:50.487 --> 0:14:54.967 Pockets because with that, it's not the family finances exactly 0:14:55.127 --> 0:14:55.847 totally different. 0:14:55.887 --> 0:14:57.487 And I think that finance is like, if you're going 0:14:57.487 --> 0:15:00.167 to go and spend someone else's money or whatever, then 0:15:00.207 --> 0:15:04.927 that matters. But I think sparing like the person that 0:15:04.967 --> 0:15:09.127 you're with, of things that are going to stress them 0:15:09.327 --> 0:15:12.647 out or like I just unnecessary. I think that can 0:15:12.687 --> 0:15:13.447 be a kindness. 0:15:13.527 --> 0:15:15.487 I have another test for you, Emma, you and your 0:15:15.487 --> 0:15:19.527 imaginary partner. What about other people's secrets? Because what a 0:15:19.527 --> 0:15:22.287 lot about Loud is said, there's a hierarchy of secrets, right, 0:15:22.327 --> 0:15:24.647 So what about a lot about Loud has said, I 0:15:24.727 --> 0:15:27.887 keep any secret that isn't really mine. So say your 0:15:28.087 --> 0:15:31.007 friend something about one of your mutual friends, or something 0:15:31.087 --> 0:15:33.287 is about someone in their family or your family who's 0:15:33.287 --> 0:15:36.527 told you something in confidence. Do you tell your partner 0:15:36.607 --> 0:15:39.207 in this idyllic version of complete honesty. 0:15:39.367 --> 0:15:41.727 See, I thought it was a given. I thought everything 0:15:41.847 --> 0:15:46.007 I told my friends their partner would already like would know. 0:15:46.367 --> 0:15:48.727 I thought that came with the rules of your friend 0:15:48.767 --> 0:15:52.647 being in a relationship. So I've just been going like 0:15:52.727 --> 0:15:55.527 meeting people's partners going you probably know everything and they're like, 0:15:55.567 --> 0:15:56.047 who are you? 0:15:56.127 --> 0:15:58.407 And I'm like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, girl. 0:15:58.647 --> 0:16:03.087 I have a strict because next time, as a friend. 0:16:02.807 --> 0:16:04.367 That makes me feel good that you're not telling a 0:16:04.367 --> 0:16:05.607 partner about I mean, I. 0:16:05.647 --> 0:16:08.647 Might tell, like Brent, things about our mutual friends that 0:16:08.727 --> 0:16:11.847 aren't a big deal. But if my friend has said 0:16:11.887 --> 0:16:14.967 to me, please don't tell anyone, then I won't tell 0:16:15.047 --> 0:16:18.887 him really unless I mean, what if he asks, Well, 0:16:18.927 --> 0:16:21.127 I can't think of very many examples where he would. 0:16:21.167 --> 0:16:23.607 I mean, obviously, you sometimes get in sticky situations where 0:16:23.607 --> 0:16:26.927 you're friends with a couple, and that can be tricky 0:16:26.967 --> 0:16:29.287 when shit goes down, and I've lived through all that 0:16:29.327 --> 0:16:30.727 and you have to navigate that. 0:16:30.727 --> 0:16:31.247 That's hard. 0:16:31.887 --> 0:16:35.087 So there are things that you just wouldn't say because 0:16:35.087 --> 0:16:36.807 you don't want to put that person in a situation. 0:16:36.887 --> 0:16:40.407 But my loyalty remains with my friend who told me 0:16:40.407 --> 0:16:45.367 a secret, unless it's unless it's something that like would 0:16:45.367 --> 0:16:49.367 directly affect Brent's life, Like imagine for example, which wouldn't 0:16:49.367 --> 0:16:51.607 happen in my world. But like if they said, you'll 0:16:51.607 --> 0:16:55.647 never guess what, but Brent's about to get fired. Obviously, 0:16:56.087 --> 0:16:59.807 don't tell him, But broadly speaking, a secret that isn't 0:16:59.847 --> 0:17:02.847 about me or mine, I wouldn't ever tell him that. 0:17:02.847 --> 0:17:03.967 That makes me feel really good. 0:17:05.607 --> 0:17:07.447 What kind of artsholes do you think your friends with 0:17:07.967 --> 0:17:09.087 a will all do? 0:17:09.407 --> 0:17:11.687 This is a great one from Karen and out Louder, 0:17:12.007 --> 0:17:15.847 who wishes there were more secrets in a relationship I've 0:17:15.887 --> 0:17:17.687 spent the last I don't know if this qualifies as 0:17:17.727 --> 0:17:19.807 a secret, but here you can tell me. I've spent 0:17:19.847 --> 0:17:22.127 the last twenty five years with my husband leaving very 0:17:22.167 --> 0:17:24.567 early for work, which left me with time to myself 0:17:24.567 --> 0:17:26.487 in the mornings. I still had the kids, but they 0:17:26.527 --> 0:17:28.767 were either asleep or busy getting ready for school. I 0:17:28.847 --> 0:17:30.807 used to take this time to pluck my chin hair, 0:17:30.847 --> 0:17:33.287 lip hair after a shower, lift my big boobs up 0:17:33.327 --> 0:17:35.247 under the fan to dry out, and spread my legs 0:17:35.247 --> 0:17:37.447 in front of the fan, also to dry out please 0:17:37.447 --> 0:17:40.487 a pimple or waxy under armed bikini line, and basically 0:17:40.487 --> 0:17:41.527 have me time while I. 0:17:41.487 --> 0:17:44.487 Got ready for work. Well, now he's partly retired. 0:17:44.167 --> 0:17:47.447 And his home all the time every morning. I don't 0:17:47.567 --> 0:17:49.607 like him knowing or seeing me dry out my big 0:17:49.647 --> 0:17:53.767 boobs under the fat I've kept him private, our whole 0:17:53.807 --> 0:17:55.807 married lives secret blown. 0:17:56.407 --> 0:17:59.207 Oh I love that so much, Liza. 0:17:59.327 --> 0:18:01.927 I feel like bathroom secrets are different though, Like whatever 0:18:01.967 --> 0:18:03.807 happens in the bathroom stays in the bathroom. 0:18:03.927 --> 0:18:06.367 I agree. And there's even you know, if I'm at 0:18:06.367 --> 0:18:08.567 home with Luna for the day and look ast me 0:18:08.607 --> 0:18:11.247 about my day, omit a nap? Like if I went 0:18:11.287 --> 0:18:13.167 and had a nap when there are just certain things 0:18:13.167 --> 0:18:15.727