Speaker 1: We acknowledged the traditional custodians of the land we're recording
Speaker 1: on today, and it used to blow my.
Speaker 2: Mind, Like when Lenny was little and I was still
Speaker 2: going out all the time and still doing stuff, and
Speaker 2: people would go, where's Lenny. Who's looking after Lenny? His father? Yeah,
Speaker 2: the other person that chose to have a baby with me. Hello,
Speaker 2: welcome back to Eat, Sleep, Shit, Repeat your unhinged podcast
Speaker 2: about the madness that is motherhood and everything in between.
Speaker 1: I'm Kelly McCarran, I'm Kiri Cels and kel you're up
Speaker 1: for picking pit today. But before we do that, I
Speaker 1: did request that we do a little goal check in.
Speaker 2: You wanted to do an entire episode about a goal,
Speaker 2: like a summer series bonus, but not long. I'm like, A,
Speaker 2: it's November. We're petering towards the end of November.
Speaker 1: Realistically, are we going to get done in the last
Speaker 1: two exactly?
Speaker 2: And and B I just don't really want to because
Speaker 2: I don't want to think about my.
Speaker 1: Goals and that I haven't done anything well. I thought
Speaker 1: it would be funny because I think both of us
Speaker 1: have failed miserably at our goals.
Speaker 2: I'm pretty sure one of your goals was to get pregnant.
Speaker 1: Oh tiktick t tiktick boombbe tic tic boom, because it's
Speaker 1: hard as pregnancy ever. But yeah, I took that one off.
Speaker 2: The list you did, and mine was like all around
Speaker 2: my health again, I'm just not setting that as goal
Speaker 2: next year. That has just been silly.
Speaker 1: Maybe that's the trick, is like not actually setting it
Speaker 1: as a goal, and then you might.
Speaker 2: We also didn't do our comedy classes. That was a
Speaker 2: joint goal.
Speaker 1: Shit, all right, it's still your peking pit.
Speaker 2: Okay. So I'm so cheeky with my peaking pits. I
Speaker 2: always just like chuck a few in there.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know you do. I've noticed first.
Speaker 2: One the short story, my child is so ready to
Speaker 2: be toilet trained that he took his nappy off, went
Speaker 2: outside and shut on the ground like a dog, and
Speaker 2: then came back inside and said, Mummy, clean up.
Speaker 1: So this is the first time it's ever happened.
Speaker 2: This is the first time he's ever shut like a dog.
Speaker 1: Yes, I wonder where he got it from, like or
Speaker 1: do you think it's just like an instinctive thing, like
Speaker 1: I don't want to do it in my nappy and
Speaker 1: Mum hasn't given me any alternatives.
Speaker 2: I'm just going to I don't know. I think maybe
Speaker 2: he just thought it was a good idea. He has
Speaker 2: same Percy do it a lot. Well.
Speaker 1: I thought he would have done it in a litter box,
Speaker 1: to be fair.
Speaker 2: No, Percy does it outside.
Speaker 1: Oh, so that's why.
Speaker 2: He's just following Percy's anyone trying to help, trying to
Speaker 2: help him. It's just like, what indicator of how lazy
Speaker 2: I am?
Speaker 1: Can I just make you feel better? I know a
Speaker 1: lot of people who will put it off because it
Speaker 1: is a very hard thing if they're not ready, But
Speaker 1: this is he's so ready. He's ready now, so I
Speaker 1: don't think it's going to be hard.
Speaker 2: No, it's just that I just need to actually knuckle
Speaker 2: in and do it. And he he is so ready
Speaker 2: it's not even funny, like he knows exactly what he's doing. Yeah,
Speaker 2: but he he just won't do it on the potty.
Speaker 2: He will do it everywhere else but the potty.
Speaker 1: Can you put the potty in the lounge like when
Speaker 1: he's doing and start.
Speaker 2: Yes, and then he'll go and sit on it. But
Speaker 2: then he'll get up and go to a spot on
Speaker 2: the rug and do a week.
Speaker 1: Oh that's really annoying.
Speaker 2: So annoying, And I know that he will get there,
Speaker 2: I know, but I'm just like the other day, I
Speaker 2: just thought, really, are you a dog, to which he
Speaker 2: responded with woof, as he does. The other pit is
Speaker 2: that Luke's friends are just like, they don't listen to
Speaker 2: the pod because they hate me.
Speaker 1: So what, No, they don't, they actually do.
Speaker 2: They're just like, but ah, to be.
Speaker 1: Honest, yeah, I'm just thinking about the wedding speech.
Speaker 2: See the best man's speech hated me, clearly hated me.
Speaker 1: He can't say that at a wedding.
Speaker 2: Basically, there's been a bit of a situation where heaps
Speaker 2: of Luke's friends are all going away together. I think
Speaker 2: at the moment on it like a big family group holiday,
Speaker 2: and Luke asked them, like ages ago, if they wanted
Speaker 2: to go on a big group trip your joke, and
Speaker 2: none of them said that they could. So that's why
Speaker 2: we went to Bali just us, which you know, love Bali.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was great, but.
Speaker 2: Then for him to find out that they've had this
Speaker 2: planned for seven months, that's really.
Speaker 1: That makes me really upset because he's.
Speaker 2: Such a good friend.
Speaker 1: So what's the issue, then they don't like me.
Speaker 2: You don't exclude people. It's schoolyard bullying and it's ridiculous. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and they made it worse by lying and saying that
Speaker 2: they did talk to.
Speaker 1: Him about it, so they tried to gaslight him.
Speaker 2: Exactly, which I just think is so much worse. Just say, oh,
Speaker 2: we don't like cal we just don't want to go
Speaker 2: on holidays with her. Be honest.
Speaker 1: The wives or the girlfriends are the partners, Like, do
Speaker 1: you get on with them? Yeah?
Speaker 2: I genuinely could not care less if people do not
Speaker 2: like me. Yeah, but I feel so bad for Luke
Speaker 2: and he's now being excluded for such a silly thing.
Speaker 2: And I mean, if maybe it was just the holiday,
Speaker 2: maybe I could be like, oh, yeah, it was a
Speaker 2: simple mistake. Because one of them also said, oh, I
Speaker 2: told Kelly about it, and I was like, you absolutely didn't.
Speaker 2: I've got the world's best memory.
Speaker 1: Yeah you can't.
Speaker 2: That's one person you can't trickery. Yeah with about did
Speaker 2: we talk about it. There's been a lot of things
Speaker 2: over the past year where we're clearly excluded, and it
Speaker 2: just sucks for him.
Speaker 1: Is he quite sensitive?
Speaker 2: No, he's so easy going, So I think at first
Speaker 2: he was like a little bit hurt, but then he
Speaker 2: was like, oh, they said it was a mistake. It's
Speaker 2: not like it's fine.
Speaker 1: So you don't like your friend's wife, but do you
Speaker 1: not like your friend as well?
Speaker 2: Exactly? Well, the thing is they still hang out, which
Speaker 2: is why I'm like, I know it's me.
Speaker 1: So where did they go?
Speaker 2: They've gone to Fiji?
Speaker 1: Are you fucking kidding me?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I know, big family resort.
Speaker 1: That is so mean. Does Lenn get on with their
Speaker 1: kids so well?
Speaker 2: And that also breaks my heart because that's like another
Speaker 2: level of like fuck or excluding poor little let Like
Speaker 2: there's just so many layers, like we don't have family
Speaker 2: in Sydney. We don't have a big family anyway, we
Speaker 2: don't like Len doesn't have that many people in his corner,
Speaker 2: So how very dare you deliberately exclude him?
Speaker 1: You know what? Fucking we'll go on a trip together.
Speaker 2: Literally, I'm just like I'm so petty that I'm like,
Speaker 2: I'm going to plan the best fucking trips overseas next year,
Speaker 2: and it's like I don't want.
Speaker 1: To go over seas again, Suck it up, We're going
Speaker 1: on a trip. There's worse things it could be happening. Oh,
Speaker 1: I know, poor Luke, like just poor guy Paul Len
Speaker 1: and also poor you, because I know what it's like
Speaker 1: to have your partner's friends not like you, and I
Speaker 1: think that's more of them thinking not a thing.
Speaker 2: It's also like we've been to them for so.
Speaker 1: Long, and have they seen you on a holiday like
Speaker 1: I am Exactly. I don't think that you'd be annoying.
Speaker 2: I understand that I'm very opinionated and I'm a big personality,
Speaker 2: and so some people would find that a bit much
Speaker 2: on holidays. I am just sitting back reading a book.
Speaker 1: Drinking lockdown exactly.
Speaker 2: They really they're missing out. Really, I am a wild time.
Speaker 1: That's a croc of shit though, an honest mistake to
Speaker 1: forget one of your line.
Speaker 2: Also, I think they forget that Luke is married to
Speaker 2: me because one of the things that they tried to
Speaker 2: trick him with was, Oh, we talked about it in
Speaker 2: the group chat. It's like, give me your phone, I'll
Speaker 2: have a look.
Speaker 1: Get your detective hat on.
Speaker 2: One search Fiji. Oh, a couple of chats about this.
Speaker 2: There someone else's holiday a couple of years ago. That's it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you can't be doing.
Speaker 2: That also, even if you did mention in the group chat,
Speaker 2: you then follow up and go, hey, tag so and
Speaker 2: so did you see this? Are you keen? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Everyone else has got back to me. You're the only
Speaker 1: one who has got back, like totally.
Speaker 2: It's just yeah crazy anyway, Okay, peak is that me
Speaker 2: and my two closest girlfriends in the entire world stayed
Speaker 2: in a hotel last weekend.
Speaker 1: I cannot tell you how jealous I was when I
Speaker 1: saw them, and.
Speaker 2: It was, Oh my goodness, and it just makes me
Speaker 2: so happy that they love each other.
Speaker 1: Yeah so much.
Speaker 2: Yeah, So the three of us just in a hotel room.
Speaker 2: We had some drinks. We just did not stop talking
Speaker 2: the entire time, and.
Speaker 1: It was so cute the little video like of the
Speaker 1: view and then turning around and like I was doing
Speaker 1: a little pos and then you were opening the champagne
Speaker 1: and you all just looked so happy, like we all
Speaker 1: love pictures.
Speaker 2: They both have three kids as well, so it's way
Speaker 2: harder for them to sort of get.
Speaker 1: That time, so wonder they look so happy. I was just.
Speaker 2: So grateful, and it was just such a good reminder
Speaker 2: to everyone that you just need that time, you need
Speaker 2: your girlfriends without kids sometimes Actually.
Speaker 1: That you said that. I was went to a live
Speaker 1: show with Dolly Alderton and the author and I guess TV.
Speaker 2: She's also a podcaster, is she not?
Speaker 1: Yeah, she had a podcast for years, and she was
Speaker 1: talking about how tricky your early thirties can be, because
Speaker 1: like there can be divides in your group where some
Speaker 1: of them have kids and some of them don't, and
Speaker 1: it can be really rocky. But she said that what
Speaker 1: actually ends up happening is that kids get a bit older,
Speaker 1: a bit more self sufficient, and then suddenly you kind
Speaker 1: of meet again and you're able to have And she
Speaker 1: talked about this, like her best day being this like
Speaker 1: long day drinking lunch with her girlfriends and then like
Speaker 1: getting them so drunk that they will have to sleepover,
Speaker 1: so then they have like an adult sleepert when she.
Speaker 2: Like adults sleepovers is so far, yes.
Speaker 1: And like that's what that just reminded me of. It's
Speaker 1: like those moments are fleeting as life gets busier, but
Speaker 1: they're also more meaningful.
Speaker 2: Exactly exactly, and the time just means the world. Yeah,
Speaker 2: So that was incredible. And I also said know to
Speaker 2: something like in a work situation that I like, it
Speaker 2: was the first time I've really put my boundaries at
Speaker 2: my energy healer from BALI helped me put in place,
Speaker 2: and I like, I turned down stuff all the time. Yeah,
Speaker 2: but I turned down something i'd previously said yes too
Speaker 2: because it was making me feel so uncomfortable and it
Speaker 2: was so much money. But I kept to my boundaries
Speaker 2: and I was like, no, this is making my gut
Speaker 2: feel very uncomfortable. You're being very difficult already in early
Speaker 2: stages not happening. And my energy healer said, she goes,
Speaker 2: You're going to feel so uncomfortable the first time you
Speaker 2: do it, but you need to stick to that boundary.
Speaker 1: We're conditioned as women to like please people. As freelance.
Speaker 2: Is so hard to say no to money that you've
Speaker 2: banked on as well, exactly money in general.
Speaker 1: Like it, Yeah, totally, I'm proud of you though.
Speaker 2: Thanks anyway. Yeah, so that was my peak and pitch
Speaker 2: loves for listening. Let's get into today's episode now. I
Speaker 2: do need to warn everyone that I'm probably gonna get
Speaker 2: cranky oh today because nothing gets me more riled up
Speaker 2: when it comes to parenting topics than incompetent men. Okay,
Speaker 2: and women who enable shitty behavior, and for this episode
Speaker 2: and for the sake of the discussion, we will be
Speaker 2: focusing on a male female relationship today because everyone I
Speaker 2: know in a lgbt QIA plus relationship does not have
Speaker 2: to worry about sharing the load because it is another thing.
Speaker 2: And of course there are exceptions to this rule, but
Speaker 2: generally it seems to be straight men that suck in
Speaker 2: this department.
Speaker 1: Yes, I think it is a generalization, but for same
Speaker 1: sex couples, they're better at communicating, so often the resentment
Speaker 1: doesn't build because they're addressing the issues soon.
Speaker 2: Oh that makes sense.
Speaker 1: But I also just want to note that not all men, of.
Speaker 2: Course, not all men, not Luke but Charlie exactly.
Speaker 1: That's what I'm saying, just because they are our husbands
Speaker 1: and do listen to the show. Look, doesn't I think
Speaker 1: that many factors do come into play. Who earns more
Speaker 1: the financial split can often come into play. But yeah,
Speaker 1: of course heterosexual couples do fall more into those traditional
Speaker 1: gender roles, and often women feel they can't ask for
Speaker 1: more help because they might earn less, so they think
Speaker 1: they're contributing less exactly, But not speaking up only builds
Speaker 1: more resstment, and that's why relationships kind of start to fall.
Speaker 1: Another note about this is that it's around households with
Speaker 1: two parents. So if you are a single parent, I
Speaker 1: just want to acknowledge that you take on the complete load.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and well I need to buy you a beverage
Speaker 2: this holiday season. Absolutely all right, So let's kick things
Speaker 2: off by talking about how we share the load. Would
Speaker 2: you like to start, because I've just been talking a
Speaker 2: lot with the peak and pitch.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I would say. Charlie and I pretty even with
Speaker 1: the mental load. We have ups and downs, of course,
Speaker 1: and we always kind of will reach a point and
Speaker 1: have to have a conversation and kind of a bit
Speaker 1: of a reset. But Charlie is generally the admin guy.
Speaker 1: So the admin guy takes care of anything financial, rent bills, holidays, booking, accommodation,
Speaker 1: flights he would handle. So he is the admin guy.
Speaker 1: So if my girlfriends want to plan a weekend away,
Speaker 1: they will contact him. Because I am not good at
Speaker 1: making plans.
Speaker 2: I can't tell you how jealous this makes me my
Speaker 2: biggest gripe with my race and holiday was all. I
Speaker 2: did it all, and I don't like doing any of
Speaker 2: the admin. I like to be a princess for.
Speaker 1: Our trip to Europe. He booked all the flights and everything,
Speaker 1: and he was like, I just need you to do
Speaker 1: the accommodation. I was like, yeah, of course, I'll do
Speaker 1: it easy because he knows that I'm pickier obviously with accommodation. Anyway,
Speaker 1: do you reckon? I did it. Nah. I just kept
Speaker 1: putting it off, putting it off, and then and then
Speaker 1: Charlie goes I booked the accommodation and I was like,
Speaker 1: what do you mean? And he told me that basically,
Speaker 1: he just booked anything that was refundable because he knew
Speaker 1: that I would see how bad they were and cancel
Speaker 1: them all and make me book the accommodation.
Speaker 2: Oh, you are so annoying.
Speaker 1: Happened.
Speaker 2: You are so annoying.
Speaker 1: Because you know on Airbnb you can book fully refundable.
Speaker 1: So then I would just like canceled it. And he
Speaker 1: knew what to do. He played me like a little
Speaker 1: fiddle and I and I fell right into the trap.
Speaker 1: So Charlie admin, guy, I'm more on the ground right,
Speaker 1: I'm here day to day.
Speaker 2: I'm on the ground running.
Speaker 1: I'm on the ground running. I'm waddling around, I'm packing
Speaker 1: for trips. I'm doing appointments like doctor I'm doing I'm
Speaker 1: mainly the daycare contact. So if Rue falls ill, generally
Speaker 1: I'm the person that would be picking her up. I'm
Speaker 1: the person who's think about extracurricular activities. I'm thinking about ballet,
Speaker 1: I'm thinking about swimming. That's my kind of jam. And
Speaker 1: if Rue really needs something like I'll be the person
Speaker 1: to kind of research it, figure out what we need,
Speaker 1: and then either of us will get it. But I'm
Speaker 1: generally the person in charge of that kind of stuff
Speaker 1: we do. You're still and if you've been a longtime
Speaker 1: listener of ESSR, you'll know that ever since Ru was born,
Speaker 1: we kind of had the split being like I'm primary
Speaker 1: parent during the week and then on the weekends is
Speaker 1: like my time off.
Speaker 2: Tell the story about when you were where were you
Speaker 2: with a group of friends and it was your turn
Speaker 2: to have time off? But so all your friends are
Speaker 2: looking at you just sitting back, relaxing, way.
Speaker 1: Like Charlie attention.
Speaker 2: Roone needs you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, just generally on any holiday that falls on a
Speaker 1: weekend fair enough. Obviously, ebbs and flows depending on what
Speaker 1: we have on like if he's had a really busy
Speaker 1: week at work. You know, we're sharing the load on
Speaker 1: the weekends, but he will do more of like the
Speaker 1: grunt work and do bed and bath and you know,
Speaker 1: be kind of steering the thing of like, oh, what
Speaker 1: should we feed roue tonight and more, taking off some
Speaker 1: of that mental load so I can like have a
Speaker 1: bit of a brain rest. He's probably home fifty percent
Speaker 1: of the time for bed and bath during the week.
Speaker 1: So if that's the case, like I would have done dinner,
Speaker 1: he swoops and for bed and bath and then I
Speaker 1: can cook us dinner. So we kind of like divvy
Speaker 1: it up.
Speaker 2: What time do you guys eat dinner?
Speaker 1: So late at the moment, like nine, it's fucked. We
Speaker 1: share the cleaning of the house, but he does rubbish
Speaker 1: and I do washing, because those are like clear things
Speaker 1: like I don't want anything to do with rubbish at all,
Speaker 1: and I'm very particular about washing just how it's done
Speaker 1: and everything like that. So I'm happy to do that.
Speaker 1: I enjoy it. I don't enjoy it. That's a fucking stretch,
Speaker 1: But I don't want him to do it fah feah,
Speaker 1: even though he can and he will, like if he is,
Speaker 1: like I'm out of jocks he'll put, you know, jocks
Speaker 1: on or whatever. I think it's important to mention that
Speaker 1: we do split bills proportionately to our salaries.
Speaker 2: I've heard a lot of people do this. So say
Speaker 2: someone who owns two hundred thousand and the other person
Speaker 2: earns one hundred thousand, so they'll contribute like sixty forty
Speaker 2: to the mortgage or something like that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so basically our split is around like seventy thirty,
Speaker 1: I would say, beacause I'm only working three days a
Speaker 1: week and then I'm looking after roofe for two days.
Speaker 1: So we still split our rent fifty to fifty. But
Speaker 1: everything else, so we charge everything to a credit card
Speaker 1: so we can get the points, and then we pay
Speaker 1: the credit card off each month, and generally that split
Speaker 1: is like a seventy thirty split. The split informs a
Speaker 1: little bit of like the mental load. I would say
Speaker 1: as well, if that makes sense. I did have to
Speaker 1: just note at the end of this that this pregnancy
Speaker 1: has been rough, and so Charlie has been doing probably
Speaker 1: one hundred percent of.
Speaker 2: Everything because Key simply cannot.
Speaker 1: I cannot do anything. So I've gotten a wee bit better,
Speaker 1: But there was a good six months of me being
Speaker 1: like unable to do most things. So he really held
Speaker 1: it down. And I think that's the important thing about
Speaker 1: our relationship is that like we pick up when the
Speaker 1: other person can't. So all of this stuff, this split
Speaker 1: and everything is very fluid, but it really hinges on
Speaker 1: us communicating and talking about it. Like I think the
Speaker 1: last kind of big thing we had was on the weekends,
Speaker 1: we wanted to just like hang out and spend time
Speaker 1: together as a family, and we wouldn't grocery shop right
Speaker 1: because we were just like, oh, I don't want to
Speaker 1: do that. It's not fun, Like let's just go fucking
Speaker 1: scootering or something like. We wanted to hang out together,
Speaker 1: and I was saying to him, I know, we don't
Speaker 1: want to do that on weekend, but it means that
Speaker 1: my whole week is fucked because on a Monday, I'm like,
Speaker 1: what am I going to do for dinners this week?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: That was like the last check in that I remember,
Speaker 1: And he was just like, oh shit, I didn't even
Speaker 1: think about that, Like I didn't think about how much
Speaker 1: that would impact the stress and the mental load of
Speaker 1: your week. Not having like ticked that off the list
Speaker 1: kind of.
Speaker 2: Thing, and I think that that was one of the
Speaker 2: biggest takeaways from the survey responses. So I put out
Speaker 2: to the shit is about this and we'll talk more
Speaker 2: about the results later, but that partners people aren't mind
Speaker 2: to readers. Yes, So the fact that we expect them
Speaker 2: to know what we're thinking or what we're getting angry
Speaker 2: or resentful about is kind of ridiculous. And the assumption
Speaker 2: always is, oh, they should just know.
Speaker 1: But why Yeah, I've actually got a good example of this.
Speaker 1: So yes, today and this is I will say, this
Speaker 1: is something that I have really worked on.
Speaker 2: Did Charlie ask you if you could do three things
Speaker 2: instead of two one day?
Speaker 1: That's exactly it. No. So he was working late the
Speaker 1: night before. He had a shocking sleep, you know when
Speaker 1: you're just so wide from working, and I think he
Speaker 1: only got to bed at three point thirty in the morning, right,
Speaker 1: and so he was really tired. So I said to him, Oh, like,
Speaker 1: I've got physio and stuff. I'll do the drop off
Speaker 1: in the.
Speaker 2: Morning on lunch. I cannot do anything else. Yeah, I'm
Speaker 2: never gonna let you leave that one down. Anyone playing
Speaker 2: long at home asked her if she could do something
Speaker 2: next week, and she goes.
Speaker 1: No, I had to have a boundary. I have a
Speaker 1: lunch and I have a phisio a cairo. Actually, I
Speaker 1: will just say I have to have boundaries on this pregnancy,
Speaker 1: otherwise I just get so strong.
Speaker 2: I love that for you, but I will continue to make.
Speaker 1: Play whatever anyway. So I did that. But what ended
Speaker 1: up happening was because Rue didn't stick to my plan
Speaker 1: of it taking half an hour for me to like
Speaker 1: feed her and get her to day care. I was
Speaker 1: so late, and I was so late that I didn't
Speaker 1: look where my physio appointment was, so I ended up
Speaker 1: parking on the street. I got one hundred and forty
Speaker 1: dollars parking fine when I could have parked at the
Speaker 1: Westfield and waddled over to my phissio. When I got home,
Speaker 1: the dog had pissed inside because no one had let
Speaker 1: him out. I thought Charlie let him out. Charlie thought
Speaker 1: I had let him out. So I'm on the blower
Speaker 1: going did you let the dog out? Blah blah, And
Speaker 1: I'm getting like really pissed off at him for that,
Speaker 1: and then he's like, what, you don't need to take
Speaker 1: it out on me, like blah blah blah, blah, and
Speaker 1: then maybe an hour later, I was like, hey, look,
Speaker 1: I'm just really pissed off because my morning was really
Speaker 1: stressful and I got a fine and I got parking
Speaker 1: fine and then I had to clean up all this
Speaker 1: piss and you know how hard it is to bend
Speaker 1: over right now? Very hard, it's quite hard. There's a
Speaker 1: big bowling ball on my way. And he was not
Speaker 1: a really but he said, I'm sorry, Like, obviously I
Speaker 1: didn't know any of that had happened. I'm really sorry
Speaker 1: that you've had such a shit morning, but it was
Speaker 1: identifying that I'm getting really angry at you right now.
Speaker 1: But he doesn't know why. He doesn't know the context
Speaker 1: of the day. He's just like, why having such a
Speaker 1: bitches Like it's really lost on your significant other if
Speaker 1: you do not give them the context of why you're
Speaker 1: at ten.
Speaker 2: Yes, you know exactly. That is such a good example.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, So what are yours do well? When you
Speaker 1: split a route?
Speaker 2: Contribute to things pretty fifty to fifty, yeah, like mortgage bills,
Speaker 2: everything just fifty to fifty. And then we've just like
Speaker 2: look after different things. So I look after fun things.
Speaker 2: I like paying for fun things, so I'm like, I'm
Speaker 2: happy to pay for the holiday. I'm happy to pay
Speaker 2: for your furniture. But when he recently is like, I'm
Speaker 2: going to redo the laundry and I'm going to put
Speaker 2: inducted air conditioning, I'm like, you compare for that?
Speaker 1: Shit? How the fuck you getting ducted air confort free?
Speaker 1: We're not no, as in like, you don't have to pay.
Speaker 2: I'm thinking about getting him a new television for his birthday.
Speaker 2: That's nice, but I like buying fun things. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 2: don't like paying for boring.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you don't want to be like I just worked
Speaker 1: to buy and.
Speaker 2: Air conditioner boring. Whereas that's very you know, he loves that.
Speaker 2: He's practical, very practical, and practical practical. That's a great
Speaker 2: new love it. So I generally look after like the
Speaker 2: daycare admin staff and Lenny's health stuff. Yeah, so like vaccinations.
Speaker 2: I asked Luke once if he even knew what a
Speaker 2: blue book was, and he did not, and that irritated me.
Speaker 2: He actually does take Lenny's to the doctor a lot now,
Speaker 2: but especially when he was younger, I did a lot
Speaker 2: of that.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: No, I'm the one that's dealing with the adnoids and
Speaker 2: grammets and Luke just thinks that he doesn't need it
Speaker 2: and that sort of thing. Yeah, But then I don't
Speaker 2: want to do anything gross or boring, so I make
Speaker 2: Luke do like the bugs. He's on bug pest control
Speaker 2: every three months because I have I hate spiders with
Speaker 2: a passion, spiders and needles, hate them, the bins saying
Speaker 2: don't want to touch you, yucky. And then strata very boring.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I get because it's a villa.
Speaker 2: There's a bunch of so we've got to pay for,
Speaker 2: like the driveways and the garden. Yeah, stuff, And I
Speaker 2: don't care about strata. Just on the he's on the committee.
Speaker 1: It's just so indicative of his personality to be on
Speaker 1: the phone committee.
Speaker 2: The committee. Sometimes I can hear them having it and
Speaker 2: then he'll jump on the phone calls sometimes and I'll
Speaker 2: be like, hey, Teresa, Hey Tyler, new garage doors looking good.
Speaker 1: I love him so much and he's so genuine.
Speaker 2: He's so genuine, whereas I would simply not.
Speaker 1: I just love how like when I drive out, because
Speaker 1: I'm over your house every Wednesday, it's spin day. When
Speaker 1: I drive out, often he's bringing everyone's been.
Speaker 2: Yes, but he has to leave some out there learning
Speaker 2: likes to bring them in.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just so sweet.
Speaker 2: But Luke like, Aslen's gotten older, he'll do like little kickers. Yeah,
Speaker 2: but I'm the one that's looking into swimming lessons and
Speaker 2: that sort of thing. Yeah, I like to be in
Speaker 2: charge of Lenny's clothes. But Luke also finds that really fine,
Speaker 2: and that's a bit of a headbut situation.
Speaker 1: It seems that they're competing aesthetics.
Speaker 2: Very competing aesthetics, and alas my son is very team Dad.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because Dad's got all the fun.
Speaker 2: Stuff dinosaurs and like pockets with diggers on them yuck,
Speaker 2: and the bloody car shoes and such. I have big
Speaker 2: boundaries around holidays with his side of the friends and
Speaker 2: the family. What I mean by that is I will
Speaker 2: not look after any gifts or cards or anything. So
Speaker 2: if he wants niece and nephews or sisters in laws
Speaker 2: or whatnot to have anything on his side, he is
Speaker 2: responsible for that. If we go to a wedding on
Speaker 2: his side, he is responsible. Maybe that's why his friends
Speaker 2: don't like me, because they think that I've just never
Speaker 2: given them a wedding card or something. I don't know
Speaker 2: what he's done because that is his domain. Resumes to like,
Speaker 2: if we get invited to one of his friend's kids
Speaker 2: birthday parties, you want to get that kid a gift,
Speaker 2: you go do it. Okay, I'm very much so like
Speaker 2: that's my boundary, whereas like, I'm not going to babysit you.
Speaker 2: You're not my extra child.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I get that. One of my love language is giving,
Speaker 1: So on any scale, I'm like, I'll do it to
Speaker 1: be fair.
Speaker 2: If I know the kid, of course I want to
Speaker 2: shop for Yeah, of course.
Speaker 1: But if I don't know the kid, I do understand
Speaker 1: that it's a good boundary to have.
Speaker 2: We have a calendar, it's not that good at the moment.
Speaker 2: We both book social things in digital or physical physical,
Speaker 2: so it's actually needs a physical one because even when
Speaker 2: I tell him things, he does not remember us. He'll
Speaker 2: be like, hey, I'm going out with the boys on
Speaker 2: Saturday night and I'm like, no, you're not. I told you,
Speaker 2: and I've had this booked in for months. But then
Speaker 2: he says, oh, You've got something on it every Saturday
Speaker 2: for the rest of the year. I'm like, well, I
Speaker 2: booked it in. Yeah, you and your friends need to
Speaker 2: get I wonder why they don't like me. You guys
Speaker 2: need to be more organizing. You can't tell me four
Speaker 2: days before and just hope that I don't have something on.
Speaker 1: Has he done the thing where he's been first and
Speaker 1: you've been like, because that happened, Charlie like learned that
Speaker 1: lesson pretty quickly. Like he puts stuff in the calendar.
Speaker 1: I'll see things and I flip over to on your month,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh, oh, sir, so good.
Speaker 2: Organized though it genuinely wouldn't bother me though, because I
Speaker 2: just would take lan yeah right, not go, or i'd
Speaker 2: ask for help.
Speaker 1: I think the calendar goes through stages where it's really
Speaker 1: good and really bad. Honestly, it's just like it's with anything, right.
Speaker 2: It's just that Luke doesn't use it until four days
Speaker 2: beforehand because boys tend to be quite unorganized social activities,
Speaker 2: where girls are like, let's lock in our Christmas line.
Speaker 1: There's four months in advance, especially because everyone has most
Speaker 1: people have kids now that it's like.
Speaker 2: Oh, even before we were always yeah, and both of
Speaker 2: us have like quite active social lives, me probably more
Speaker 2: so than him. I just thought like, and I you know,
Speaker 2: as I've said, at the start of the episode. Social
Speaker 2: stuff is very important and that time with your friends.
Speaker 2: And it used to blow my mind when Lenny was
Speaker 2: little and I was still going out all the time
Speaker 2: and still doing stuff, and people would go, where's Lenny,
Speaker 2: or who's looking after Lenny? His father? Yeah, the other
Speaker 2: person that chose to have a baby with me.
Speaker 1: It's an interesting thing because I reckon, if Luke had
Speaker 1: been socializing or whatever, do you reckon, anyone would have
Speaker 1: asked him where Lenny one was. I don't actually think
Speaker 1: that people would ask the dad that because the assumptions
Speaker 1: like they would know that of course Lenny was with Kelly.
Speaker 2: Baby is fine.
Speaker 1: But for some reason, it's like the first thought isn't like, oh,
Speaker 1: the dad's with the kid that they both made, that.
Speaker 2: They chose to have it together. Yeah, dinner. I tend
Speaker 2: to cook more because I'm better at it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you even cook meat for him, which is
Speaker 1: so nice. As a vegetarian, I always have to cook
Speaker 1: it for Lenny.
Speaker 2: Yeah, both, but I did even before Land I've always
Speaker 2: cooked meat. But then Luke does way more of the
Speaker 2: cleaning and stuff like that because I just don't care
Speaker 2: about cleanliness really or tidying more so tidy, and then
Speaker 2: I just do chores list. At the moment we've got
Speaker 2: one on the table. When things are getting out of
Speaker 2: control with like spring cleaning stuff, we've got chores list.
Speaker 1: Oh I like that, and.
Speaker 2: You just have to like make sure it's pretty even
Speaker 2: and then you just cross it off.
Speaker 1: I love to do that.
Speaker 2: A lot of the time. It's not that men are incompetent,
Speaker 2: you know how You're like, it's a bit of a generalization,
Speaker 2: not all men, and I completely agree. I don't think
Speaker 2: that men are all incompetent. It's that women allow them
Speaker 2: to be incompetent and enable their shitty behavior because they're
Speaker 2: trying to control everything.
Speaker 1: But I also think there's another factor on this. Yes,
Speaker 1: I agree with that, but I also think it's external pressures,
Speaker 1: right because I feel like, say, the man is in
Speaker 1: charge of something that's not done to this certain standard.
Speaker 1: I think the woman is stressed out about how like
Speaker 1: external judgments on that. But why the assumption that men
Speaker 1: are allowed to be messy and women aren't.
Speaker 2: Am I a bloke, I just would never think that.
Speaker 2: I do not think that because I'm a woman, the
Speaker 2: assumption is that I'm clean no, but like.
Speaker 1: The assumption is that you can't be untidy. Remember when
Speaker 1: you put that video up, being like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: this is what I'm talking about.
Speaker 2: This is me who's like usually water off a duck's back.
Speaker 2: I end up having to message them and be like,
Speaker 2: can you please like turn comments off? This is awful because.
Speaker 1: People were so nasty and all I saw was, oh
Speaker 1: my god, thank god, there's another one of me out
Speaker 1: there for context. Cultoka social video just showing that house
Speaker 1: silly like.
Speaker 2: It was people were doing, you know, this is my house.
Speaker 2: I was basically just doing a silly like this is
Speaker 2: actually our house in the exact moment. It is a disaster, Yeah,
Speaker 2: because no one ever shows what a real messy house
Speaker 2: can look like sometimes totally and the comments or from
Speaker 2: women exactly That's.
Speaker 1: What I'm talking about, right, There is a lot of
Speaker 1: judgment on women.
Speaker 2: That's a really good point.
Speaker 1: You keep a tidy house to keep on top of
Speaker 1: gift giving, Like, there's all of these things that ultimately,
Speaker 1: if it doesn't happen, a woman in the relationship is
Speaker 1: going to feel like they've done something wrong. So I
Speaker 1: kind of understand the level of control was. It's like
Speaker 1: it'll get done and then I don't have to worry
Speaker 1: about being judged, et cetera, etc.
Speaker 2: But you know what, the only person that can break
Speaker 2: that cycle is yourself. Todcase, if you are going to
Speaker 2: winge about your husband, I'm generalizing husband not cleaning the bathrooms,
Speaker 2: but they do clean the bathrooms and you critique the
Speaker 2: way that they do it hard if they haven't done
Speaker 2: it to your standard, that's ridiculous. If you want something
Speaker 2: done in a particular way, you have to do it,
Speaker 2: Like why should someone else do it in a particular
Speaker 2: way that's yours if they wouldn't do it if you
Speaker 2: weren't there.
Speaker 1: That was the biggest positive thing that I learned early
Speaker 1: on with Charlie and I when we moved in together.
Speaker 1: It was like me basically being like, oh, just do
Speaker 1: it because you're not going to do it properly. But
Speaker 1: the more he did it, the better it became, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. It was because I wasn't letting
Speaker 1: him have the same I do it to do it.
Speaker 1: And it was such an important lesson because it's like,
Speaker 1: how are you supposed to learn if you're not given
Speaker 1: the space to do it? And if what you're doing
Speaker 1: is being critiqued. It doesn't inspire you to clean more.
Speaker 2: And also maybe they have a different way of cleaning,
Speaker 2: and maybe they'll still get there in the end that
Speaker 2: you might have done something a little bit differently, but
Speaker 2: who cares.
Speaker 1: Totally. I've got an example for that. When I cook,
Speaker 1: I clean as I go, so literally the last thing
Speaker 1: that will be done is I just put the plate
Speaker 1: and that we ate off into the dishwasher. Charlie was
Speaker 1: a disaster. There'll be shit everywhere, pots, pans, blah blah,
Speaker 1: blah blah. If you see him cook today, he cooks
Speaker 1: exactly like I do. Really like he's seen things right
Speaker 1: because he's just learned. He's like, oh, because we're in
Speaker 1: a small space, Like I've always lived in a small space,
Speaker 1: always had tiny kitchen, so I have had to, out
Speaker 1: of necessity clean as I go, whereas he's grown up
Speaker 1: in houses and there's like space to kind of put
Speaker 1: things and then do a big clean band, you know.
Speaker 1: So it was really interesting and I haven't even mentioned
Speaker 1: to him, but just seeing him learn that, being like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is a better use of space is actually But
Speaker 1: if he hadn't learned, the end results still would have
Speaker 1: been that the cooking and cleaning was done totally. You know,
Speaker 1: like I wasn't critiquing him, but it was interesting to
Speaker 1: see that you kind of do naturally pick up on
Speaker 1: things anyway.
Speaker 2: So if you just sometimes because Luke's you, he will
Speaker 2: clean as he go and I'm Charlie, I'm a disaster.
Speaker 2: I've never learned. But you know what, everyone still eats
Speaker 2: and Luke then cleans the kitchen.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, totally totally.
Speaker 2: So maybe that's why I'm just like, I'm not cooking
Speaker 2: and clean and I've always lived in pretty small spaces too.
Speaker 1: Have you heard about this theory lately that someone said,
Speaker 1: if you cook, you have to clean.
Speaker 2: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my time.
Speaker 1: And it was a big uproar because everyone was like
Speaker 1: absolutely not, like what is the argument pro I think
Speaker 1: it was like a TikTok video that was like, well,
Speaker 1: what if you're a person that uses every single pot
Speaker 1: and pan, and it's like, well, you're the person that
Speaker 1: ate it and didn't have to do anything, like the
Speaker 1: least you can do is tidy up exactly. I think
Speaker 1: it was just someone trying to go against the grain
Speaker 1: and create a whole internet baiting basically, yeah, and everyone
Speaker 1: fucking took the bait because I was like, absolutely not.
Speaker 1: Who did you grow up with?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Anyway, And also then you have a discussion and say, please,
Speaker 2: don't cook things where you use every single one and pan,
Speaker 2: Like Luke, sometimes I'll make things and he'll be like, seriously,
Speaker 2: could you at least have put baking paper down? And
Speaker 2: I also, on that note, think like, don't also try
Speaker 2: to control what they do with your kids or how
Speaker 2: they parent, Like, as long as your values are aligned,
Speaker 2: it's okay that their parenting style is.
Speaker 1: I love it that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's something I've had to learn as well. And
Speaker 2: Luke and I have discussed a lot with the marriage
Speaker 2: counselor because our parenting styles are actually very different, but
Speaker 2: our values are the exact same.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, So at the end of the day, we just
Speaker 2: want Lenny to be like a well rounded person.
Speaker 1: Same outcome, different journeys to get exactly right.
Speaker 2: So and same with the cleaning. Don't be a marter
Speaker 2: and say you haven't been away for a girl's weekend
Speaker 2: in years, books thing, your partner is perfectly capable of
Speaker 2: looking after their own children without you.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: On the calendar book something.
Speaker 1: It's interesting, isn't it. Because I've made friends with this
Speaker 1: chicken daycare and her kid is just about to turn too.
Speaker 1: I just what to do on the weekend. She's like, oh,
Speaker 1: you know, I went on this girl's surfing trip. It's
Speaker 1: the first time I've left my son. And I was like,
Speaker 1: in two years and two years, wow.
Speaker 2: I'm good on her for finally doing something totally.
Speaker 1: But then I just thought to myself, like, Charlie and
Speaker 1: I we with no family, really insane. I've got my
Speaker 1: brother and sister in law, but they also had young
Speaker 1: kids at the same time, so you're not just like
Speaker 1: dropping your kids over when they've also got young kids.
Speaker 1: But we've managed to have some time away, you know,
Speaker 1: because it's been really important. I just think, like, you
Speaker 1: have to, you have to, you have to and do
Speaker 1: it sooner rather than like, and it.
Speaker 2: Doesn't have to be a mini break like. Obviously, finances
Speaker 2: are different for everyone. Once a week go to a
Speaker 2: walk by yourself or with a girlfriend. You need to
Speaker 2: carve out time for yourself.
Speaker 1: It's super important.
Speaker 2: I will continue to shout this from the rooftop. You
Speaker 2: chose to have your children with someone they are perfectly
Speaker 2: capable of looking after their own children and if they're not,
Speaker 2: get out of there.
Speaker 1: Yea freelancing I have to do a lot of work
Speaker 1: on weekends because I need to have it on more
Speaker 1: days of daycare than I currently do. But next year
Speaker 1: we will. But I love, like my favorite thing is
Speaker 1: like Charlie will take her for a whole Sunday so
Speaker 1: I can work. Same favorite thing is seeing what they
Speaker 1: get up to.
Speaker 2: Same but they have so much fun.
Speaker 1: She comes back and she's like Chippy.
Speaker 2: You're like great.
Speaker 1: Charlie's like I told you not to tell mom, but
Speaker 1: just like seeing the fun stuff that they do out
Speaker 1: at restaurants.
Speaker 2: Like at the park, like Eyelayground.
Speaker 1: That is so amute because I get that on my
Speaker 1: days with her, right like my Thursdays, my Fridays. That
Speaker 1: is it like we have our things that we do
Speaker 1: together him having that time where they're doing like their
Speaker 1: secret things and.
Speaker 2: Eating Chippy and bonding, having a special time.
Speaker 1: It's so And then all the cute videos at night
Speaker 1: before we go to bed and they're like hilarious, Like
Speaker 1: it's actually awesome to see it.
Speaker 2: Shout out to any other freelancer Hot Tip Sundays are
Speaker 2: the best days to work because no one emails you back.
Speaker 2: So when we put it out to the shitters, eighty
Speaker 2: six percent of you that responded said that you were
Speaker 2: the primary parent, and the rest said fifty to fifty.
Speaker 2: So no one that responded said that they weren't.
Speaker 1: Oh wow.
Speaker 2: Seventy six percent said that they thought the load, which
Speaker 2: considered as household chores, life admin, financial contributions, childcare, and
Speaker 2: time with friends was equally shared in their partnerships. That's
Speaker 2: a lot of people that don't feel like it's currently fair.
Speaker 2: And then I felt like, I'm going to read out
Speaker 2: a couple of responses that we can have a chat
Speaker 2: about that just sort of like summed up the vibe
Speaker 2: of a lot of the different responses, and then we're
Speaker 2: going to go into tips and we'll also share heaps
Speaker 2: of them on socials because there were some great ones.
Speaker 2: Oh I love that someone has written household and garden
Speaker 2: chores essentially all completed by me due to being the
Speaker 2: one who is at home more. I work two to
Speaker 2: three days per week, husband is full time. My husband
Speaker 2: out earns me considerably, but I still struggle with this
Speaker 2: being fair. That said, he does try to cook a
Speaker 2: meal when time allows.
Speaker 1: It's hard, right.
Speaker 2: It isn't fair. I will tell you right now. Because
Speaker 2: your husband is working five days a week, you are
Speaker 2: working ten days in seven days, because you are working
Speaker 2: your two to three days plus seven days full time,
Speaker 2: if you're looking after everything, and if you're.
Speaker 1: Working at homeme, you're often like you.
Speaker 2: Do the admin, I do the washing and yeah yeah,
Speaker 2: because no one wants to do washing on the weekend.
Speaker 2: And it does make sense when you work from home. Yeah,
Speaker 2: but it's not fair and you do need to be
Speaker 2: putting some more boundaries in place. I would say to
Speaker 2: things that you're working.
Speaker 1: Also, I argue that like going to work and working
Speaker 1: for someone mate, there's good bound in a workplace such
Speaker 1: at this time you're meant to have a lunch break,
Speaker 1: you can go out for coffee, conversation at the water wall,
Speaker 1: you know. But like it's good healthy boundaries in place
Speaker 1: at work you don't really have you get to sit
Speaker 1: down and eat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's actually quite a treat.
Speaker 2: So I just I really think that well, I would
Speaker 2: like to acknowledge you and tell you that it isn't fair.
Speaker 2: Your feelings are very valid. I think that he should
Speaker 2: be contributing to the garden and household things more, because that's.
Speaker 1: Just not fair. That's like a weekend thing exactly.
Speaker 2: I do everything major, the big picture stuff, the details.
Speaker 2: I see everything that needs to be done and organize
Speaker 2: and prioritize it. This is constant and never ending. I
Speaker 2: can't even get my partner to help out with things
Speaker 2: I've assigned to him. Over a month ago there was
Speaker 2: a big storm and I'm still waiting for him to
Speaker 2: even get into contact with a rufer. He forgets important
Speaker 2: things if I don't help pack for the children, and
Speaker 2: if he takes them out their stuff forgotten. Yes, I
Speaker 2: have tried him to do it alone.
Speaker 1: I will say though, that packing thing.
Speaker 2: You've got a great tip though, Yeah, you learn fast
Speaker 2: and you have to.
Speaker 1: Let them fail. Like and this is what my girlfriend
Speaker 1: said to me. Charlie booked a flight just an annoying
Speaker 1: time when you've got a little kid, and I was
Speaker 1: like bitching about it on the phone. Tour this was
Speaker 1: like early days. I'm like, this is right in the
Speaker 1: middle of a nap time, Like this is going to
Speaker 1: be fucked getting there. Brah brah rah. He wanted to
Speaker 1: leave really late, and I was like we're I miss
Speaker 1: a fly. Like this is so annoying. It's like, let's
Speaker 1: just get there and be chilled. Yeah, she was like,
Speaker 1: if you miss the flight, you missed a fly.
Speaker 2: But then the lessons learnt, like yes, don't like try
Speaker 2: to control everything, just like, yeah, it's.
Speaker 1: Annoying in the moment, but that's the lesson, Like that's
Speaker 1: the actual real life lesson of it. So it is difficult.
Speaker 1: But I mean, what are you going to do? Live
Speaker 1: with the leaking roof for another six months? Like that
Speaker 1: should be making someone, yeah, to call a roofer.
Speaker 2: I don't actually know how she can fix this one.
Speaker 1: It's always a conversation.
Speaker 2: Lock him outside until he does. Maybe I'm a little
Speaker 2: bit of a fan of sometimes a little bit of
Speaker 2: gentle bullying.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it could be like, hey, sending a link to
Speaker 1: you've just googled, like roofer in the area sending the
Speaker 1: link to the search results.
Speaker 2: FAYI just be like, hey, you then having to take
Speaker 2: the mental load though it's annoying.
Speaker 1: I want him to have called it six months ago.
Speaker 1: I have a better idea, all right, tell.
Speaker 2: Me tell me unhinged advice with kel all right, look
Speaker 2: settle in, all right, The thing with the roof. What
Speaker 2: I want you to do is get a bucket and
Speaker 2: place it next to the bed, his side of the bed,
Speaker 2: and when he gets home, just be like, oh, I
Speaker 2: think the roof's been leaking in our room. I've put
Speaker 2: a bucket in there. Should be all fine, but not sure.
Speaker 2: Make sure that you've poured water all over his side
Speaker 2: of the bed. I'm stop laughing, I'm deadly serious. Okay,
Speaker 2: this is how you get hit done. Yeah, okay, that
Speaker 2: is how I want you to deal with the roofs situation.
Speaker 2: They're not packing the children's bags properly. You need to
Speaker 2: actually go away and let him fail miserably. Yeah, so
Speaker 2: you need to book like a weekend away and not
Speaker 2: help with anything. He's a grown up. He will have
Speaker 2: to problem solve in the end. So if he leaves
Speaker 2: the house without nappies, without snacks, whatever it is, or
Speaker 2: the children are like half dressed, his problem. There's shit
Speaker 2: all through the car, there's vomit all through the car totally,
Speaker 2: kids are screaming because they're hungry. He will deal with it.
Speaker 2: The children are not going to be unsafe. Yeah, he
Speaker 2: will deal with it.
Speaker 1: And there's so many times where I've forgotten stuff and
Speaker 1: I'd had to dive for it when I've been out.
Speaker 1: There's actually a really good episode of Bluey about this,
Speaker 1: when the dad's looking after Blue and Bingo or whatever
Speaker 1: and they're going to the beach and I get to
Speaker 1: the beach and then they're like, Dad, where's the sunblock?
Speaker 1: And he's like, oh, and he's like, forgotten everything? Where
Speaker 1: am I? Rashi? Did you bring it?
Speaker 2: No? Then nod they really bring sunscreens?
Speaker 1: Oh no, I didn't.
Speaker 2: It's okay, that mean sounds to feed.
Speaker 1: Yes, we do.
Speaker 2: We'll just have to stay in the shady bit and
Speaker 2: we'll put our hats on what hats.
Speaker 1: It's obviously a thing, but I think the way that
Speaker 1: you learn is definitely through failing. And the thing is
Speaker 1: we all failed in that initial newborns exactly. Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: just that we continue to fail. Yeah, but because of
Speaker 1: the primary carers, we've just gotten really good at it sooner.
Speaker 2: And we do things like listen to podcasts, read about things,
Speaker 2: so we sort of got a little bit more prepared
Speaker 2: when it comes to some stuff. Yeah. Yeah, Like I
Speaker 2: just think you probably need to really take a step
Speaker 2: back and relinquish control and start letting him fail. Also,
Speaker 2: maybe consider marriage counseling because I personally found that very
Speaker 2: useful having discussions about this. Yeah, but a huge fan
Speaker 2: of passive aggressive things like drenching his bed.
Speaker 1: Or sending a Google link of search results the roofs
Speaker 1: in the area if you don't want your bed to
Speaker 1: get around.
Speaker 2: I have to do everything because my husband always does
Speaker 2: a half us job. He says he tries, and I'm
Speaker 2: starting to wonder if he's just got clean slash tidy blindness.
Speaker 2: I literally see him try and it's always bad. Or
Speaker 2: maybe I have two high standards. His idea of helping
Speaker 2: always leads to more work and I end up fixing
Speaker 2: what he's done. We're talking basic things like scrubbing the
Speaker 2: toilet and leaving the toilet like he's attempted it with
Speaker 2: a toothbrush for ants.
Speaker 1: Sorry, I got a visual of the toothbrush for ants
Speaker 1: and what it would have left behind. Can I just
Speaker 1: call out the first thing.
Speaker 2: And then we'll come in with Kell's unhinged life.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the like dirt blindness or messy blindness not a thing.
Speaker 1: I read a study recently. I had like four hundred
Speaker 1: men four hundred women, and they showed them pictures of
Speaker 1: a messy room, and spoiler alert, they both see the
Speaker 1: same mess. Like it's not a thing.
Speaker 2: Don't you think though, that sometimes unless you're looking for it,
Speaker 2: you don't notice though, Like I have realized in the
Speaker 2: past week that my walls are foul, but they would
Speaker 2: have been foul for a long time, but I've only
Speaker 2: just noticed.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that's different because that's like a thing
Speaker 1: over time. But it's more like dishes in the sink,
Speaker 1: clothes on the floor, Like everyone sees the same mess.
Speaker 1: I think it's just like this old shtick stereotype that
Speaker 1: it's like all men don't see mess and women do.
Speaker 1: It's a very like convenient gendered stereotype that's happened. So
Speaker 1: first of all, he sees the mess.
Speaker 2: Yes, we just need to lower the expectations.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And like if he wants to clean the toilet
Speaker 1: with an ant's toothbrush.
Speaker 2: Which I don't believe, and if that's actually the case,
Speaker 2: send him to cleaning school.
Speaker 1: I think in this case, like I know we have said,
Speaker 1: like let them figure it out. I think that if
Speaker 1: they have never been taught how to do something to
Speaker 1: the level of what she's indicating, maybe it is like, hey,
Speaker 1: let me.
Speaker 2: Just show you how I like it done. I know
Speaker 2: that you probably.
Speaker 1: Wouldn't do it that like just be like, hey, I
Speaker 1: just want to make it easier for you, Like I
Speaker 1: have cleaning products that I use, like bleach for instance,
Speaker 1: in the bathroom does wonders right, it's so strong, so powerful,
Speaker 1: and it cuts the cleaning time in half. Like approach
Speaker 1: it more of like a let me show you because
Speaker 1: I feel like you could do the way quicker and
Speaker 1: easier and more effectively. Like maybe just like flipping the
Speaker 1: approach of how you're doing it, because sometimes.
Speaker 2: Some it sounds like he's actually trying.
Speaker 1: And it sounds like he's a bit like he's just
Speaker 1: a bit lost, like he doesn't actually know how to
Speaker 1: do it. Some people don't know how to clean because
Speaker 1: they haven't had to do it their whole lives because
Speaker 1: they've had.
Speaker 2: People looking after them. Yeah, it's codent, but let's help
Speaker 2: him get better. I do all life admin, even my
Speaker 2: husband's life admin. He often texts me or random week
Speaker 2: days asking if we or even he has any plans
Speaker 2: he's committed to on the weekend. Sounds like, Luke, did
Speaker 2: you did you write this in and pretend that it's
Speaker 2: from someone else. It's hard, right because I think that
Speaker 2: if you're organized, And.
Speaker 1: Also to me, that says like maybe he just thinks
Speaker 1: that you're the leader of the pack, like he feels
Speaker 1: maybe he has to ask you if he can do
Speaker 1: stuff as well. Like it's a little bit of that.
Speaker 1: Like Charlie will message me sometimes and be like, hey,
Speaker 1: can I do this on this day? And I'm like,
Speaker 1: check the calendar, do permission, commission because then it makes
Speaker 1: me feel like I'm the ruler of your life and
Speaker 1: they make your fair really shit. He's like, no, I'm
Speaker 1: just I just want to like run it by you, like.
Speaker 2: Then say hey, did we have anything on this weekend?
Speaker 2: Because I would like to go out with the boys,
Speaker 2: not can only go well with the boys. I am
Speaker 2: not your mother.
Speaker 1: I think it's the delivery right. So it is hard
Speaker 1: though because I feel I feel like I'm the husband
Speaker 1: in the situation.
Speaker 2: Because Charlie does admin.
Speaker 1: But I think some people are just more hopeless. It sucks.
Speaker 2: There's always a more organized person in friendships relationships. I
Speaker 2: don't know if this person minds. They haven't said yeah.
Speaker 1: And I think it can be okay if it's.
Speaker 2: Evil like they take more like make sure that if
Speaker 2: that's the way that your relationship is set up, that
Speaker 2: he's taking more physical mental loads.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, Like example, I'm really good at gift giving,
Speaker 1: so Charlie will be like for someone and who family,
Speaker 1: He'll be like, oh, what should we get? Blah blah blah,
Speaker 1: and I'll tell him what my idea is and he'll
Speaker 1: execute it.
Speaker 2: Oh do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: So, like I think instead of because I would always
Speaker 1: be the person figuring out the gifts and everything, but
Speaker 1: obviously I'm getting busier and busier. He's like, I can
Speaker 1: do it. I just need an idea of like what
Speaker 1: to get them. So I think if you're kind of
Speaker 1: approaching it more on a fifty to fifty, like maybe
Speaker 1: him asking you is okay, it's still mental loading, but
Speaker 1: at least it's like, I don't know, it's a tricky one.
Speaker 2: I just think you need to make sure that you're
Speaker 2: getting him to carry the burden of some things if
Speaker 2: that's what you're carrying.
Speaker 1: If he just needs a little bit of a help,
Speaker 1: but maybe make it a verbal help rather than like
Speaker 1: an actual like doing the job for him.
Speaker 2: Last one, my husband would say he works full time
Speaker 2: and I work part time, so everything else gets left
Speaker 2: to me, and I would just say.
Speaker 1: What a douche. Yeah, that's not okay because, like I.
Speaker 2: Said at the start, that means you're working ten days.
Speaker 1: Raising children the household. That's a job. That is a job.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And people that do it just that, Oh my god,
Speaker 2: they are actual heroes. My best friends, the ones that
Speaker 2: I was away with. One of them does work two
Speaker 2: days per week or one day per week and the
Speaker 2: other one doesn't. They both have three kids. My god,
Speaker 2: they are way busier than I am all the time.
Speaker 1: Oh, it's crazy. To run a household, right, is a
Speaker 1: lot a lot of pressure, a lot of like juggling
Speaker 1: of balls. And I think I read something recently that said,
Speaker 1: if we were to put a dollar, like a pay
Speaker 1: a salary to women who are running households or whatever
Speaker 1: parent is, the stay at home parent, it's like two
Speaker 1: hundred k. So it's like, come on, like the number
Speaker 1: of hours you're putting in two hundred k, Like that
Speaker 1: should give you a good example of how much weight
Speaker 1: it has to it that work. Exactly, because every single
Speaker 1: successful man who's able to have kids has only been
Speaker 1: able to do that because he has a wife that's
Speaker 1: there to support him, right.
Speaker 2: And I know a lot of men that actually would
Speaker 2: say that, and a lot of women that would say
Speaker 2: that about their partners. Yeah, I also just love someone contributed.
Speaker 2: I don't think you can share the load. I think
Speaker 2: females genetically carry the mental load more than men. Doesn't
Speaker 2: mean you can't delegate to help even things up. I'm
Speaker 2: also against the whole let's shame our husbands for not
Speaker 2: thinking about stuff. Sis. If you can't manage it yourself,
Speaker 2: just help. No one needs to be a matter kind
Speaker 2: of like this.
Speaker 1: Oh it's a little bit of me, a little bit,
Speaker 1: A little bit if I totally get it. It's hard because, yeah,
Speaker 1: women talk about it, but we've been conditioned to think
Speaker 1: about it from such a young a exactly.
Speaker 2: And I feel like this lass is the sort of
Speaker 2: lass that packs her husband lunch and is quite happy
Speaker 2: about it. I think she's like meal prep Sunday type person.
Speaker 1: Shit.
Speaker 2: She also does pilates and makes kids birthday cakes from scratch.
Speaker 1: Don't don't I want her to help me with my life?
Speaker 1: Can you come and take on my mental load too?
Speaker 2: Tips? First one is do online groceries and both have
Speaker 2: the app installed on your phone so that you can
Speaker 2: both add things to cut when you need.
Speaker 1: Yes. A few friends have mentioned this to me. Genus
Speaker 1: love it. Genius, absolutely genius.
Speaker 2: Also having like a shared notes app, you know, if
Speaker 2: you both have an Apple you.
Speaker 1: Can have one.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and shared album folders. You could both put photos
Speaker 2: of the kids in.
Speaker 1: It's so smart.
Speaker 2: You just both put things on the notes app like
Speaker 2: hey blah blah blah. Joint calendars, splitting.
Speaker 1: The load like joining together. Yeah, having one list, one
Speaker 1: thing for everything.
Speaker 2: Have joint email accounts for the kids so that you
Speaker 2: can both just send stuff relating to the kids. Yes,
Speaker 2: that email address.
Speaker 1: Shout out to my girlfriend Sarah. She told me that
Speaker 1: she did this recently because it would always be like
Speaker 1: whose birthday party is at? What are the details? And
Speaker 1: she's like, check the the moms are sending it to
Speaker 1: me because I'm the mar So they just have like
Speaker 1: a family email that everything goes in there. That's so
Speaker 1: really clever, really clever. I love that.
Speaker 2: There are those cards that a lot of people suggested.
Speaker 2: I forget what their card, but they're like task cards
Speaker 2: and you basically go through them and divvy up who
Speaker 2: does what and then that sort of gives you a
Speaker 2: better understanding of is it fifty to fifty.
Speaker 1: But called fair play.
Speaker 2: From what I've heard, they're really not equal, Like taking
Speaker 2: the bins out is not the same as daycare.
Speaker 1: No, but the point of this card game is for
Speaker 1: it to be a visual of how much people do.
Speaker 1: I think it is really helpful because sister in law's
Speaker 1: done it. Actually, Lucy did it with her partner John
Speaker 1: just because well when they started living together, because it
Speaker 1: was like everyone like, mental load is not unique to
Speaker 1: people that have kids. It's people sharing a space that's
Speaker 1: actually see even your roommates, like.
Speaker 2: You can do the fair play card roommates, Like if.
Speaker 1: You're sharing a space with someone, multiple people, it's really
Speaker 1: good to be able to do this. And it's just.
Speaker 2: Basically we'll link them in the show notes.
Speaker 1: Then it's flagging, Hey, you might not realize that this
Speaker 1: person is doing xyz, and it makes you think about like, okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: you have to do the car registration that's once a year. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but I'm doing the rent which is every week every month,
Speaker 1: all week.
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, So it opens conversations as well.
Speaker 1: That's the thing that's important about it. Yeah, the fair
Speaker 1: Play card game will link it.
Speaker 2: Another tip is to share the load with friends. I
Speaker 2: really love this, Like if you live close to people,
Speaker 2: like you know how you were saying, next year with
Speaker 2: the new baby, Yes, you're gonna get your friend to
Speaker 2: share the daycare drop off.
Speaker 1: We're going to try and split that. So just to
Speaker 1: make it a bit easier, like I can take them
Speaker 1: in the morning and then maybe Beck can pick up
Speaker 1: the girls in the afternoon.
Speaker 2: I've heard about families like when a group of them
Speaker 2: all sort of live quite close or within the same suburb,
Speaker 2: they'll pick different nights and look after dinner that night
Speaker 2: and then just do drop offs.
Speaker 1: That is so good. That's village. That is that getting
Speaker 1: back to village, Like I love that.
Speaker 2: And also then you're always eating like different yummy things
Speaker 2: and you only have to worry about cooking or thinking
Speaker 2: about what to eat one night a week.
Speaker 1: Well, my sister in laws always like, just drop real over,
Speaker 1: just drop her over, because now a good age. She's like,
Speaker 1: it does not affect me whatever, I already have two. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and the girls kind of just like want to play
Speaker 1: with her, and then that keeps them more entertained than
Speaker 1: if had it just been them too.
Speaker 2: Yep, I totally get it because of the third person,
Speaker 2: and you've.
Speaker 1: Got it obviously with your sister as well and her.
Speaker 2: Kids, like yeah, when they're not at an age where
Speaker 2: the three is easy. Lennie's just a lot more work
Speaker 2: than both of hers, to be fair, he's so cute,
Speaker 2: he's like kid. He's just a very busy, always very busy.
Speaker 2: Communication is key. I've learned to not expect my husband
Speaker 2: to know what I'm really wanting or needing to be
Speaker 2: done around the house. Yes, instead of getting frustrated, I
Speaker 2: just need to speak up and ask. Absolutely, he's always
Speaker 2: happy to help when I do make her request. At
Speaker 2: one stage, we tried to make a more formal type
Speaker 2: document dividing up tasks, but didn't work for us. We
Speaker 2: have two kids now and that's de only forced to
Speaker 2: more even load, specifically around bedtime. He takes the toddler
Speaker 2: and I take the baby. We really just try to
Speaker 2: divide and concob with everything.
Speaker 1: A lot of my girlfriends have said that I have said,
Speaker 1: wait to you have a second it's when the husband
Speaker 1: will generally parent, oh oh god, which is annoying, but
Speaker 1: obviously that's just like a low generalization thing. But they
Speaker 1: have to right because you are not an octopus.
Speaker 2: And you physically cannot be in a million different places exactly.
Speaker 2: And I also think that it's about giving the person
Speaker 2: the benefit of the doubt that they're not a mind reader,
Speaker 2: and there is potentially like sometimes when I get cranky
Speaker 2: about some things, and I'm the only one that ever
Speaker 2: thinks about these things. Yeah, they're things that interest me.
Speaker 2: Luke would say the exact same thing. I could not
Speaker 2: tell you who is our car insurance. I couldn't tell
Speaker 2: you how to read your car. I could not tell
Speaker 2: you how to contact the strata if I wanted to
Speaker 2: sit in on a committee meeting. To me, i'd ever
Speaker 2: think about that. So of course it's not part of
Speaker 2: my mental light. So I just assume that I've got
Speaker 2: the bigger mental load. But it's when you maybe those
Speaker 2: cards are a great idea for everyone.
Speaker 1: They are curl. I think I would like to do
Speaker 1: them with Charlie, just to like and do it in
Speaker 1: a fun environment.
Speaker 2: Like don't sit down with like spreadsheet open as well.
Speaker 1: No, like have a wine, have a little cheese board
Speaker 1: or whatever, like make it fun and flirty, don't make
Speaker 1: it Okay, there's nothing flirty about discussing chores, Key, but
Speaker 1: I'm just saying, like, set the toe, okay, don't don't
Speaker 1: like get going to bed and then sit all guns
Speaker 1: blazed you. It's important that we've been in good place
Speaker 1: before we start this conversation.
Speaker 2: All right, Well, I think that we better wrap things up,
Speaker 2: but we will put heapes more of the tips on
Speaker 2: our socials so you can easily access them. Please make
Speaker 2: sure you rate and review us and let us know
Speaker 2: what you think. You can find us at Kiri's at
Speaker 2: Kelly Underscore, mcaren at SSR dot pot.
Speaker 1: This episode was produced by I Ask Your Unhinged hosts
Speaker 1: Key and Kel with audio production by the bomb Ass
Speaker 1: Woman that is Maddie Johanna. Who see you next week. Bye,