WEBVTT - Every Woman Over 40 At The Pool 0:00:10.287 --> 0:00:14.927 You're listening to Amma Mia podcast. Mamma Mere acknowledges the 0:00:14.927 --> 0:00:17.687 traditional owners of land and waters that this podcast is 0:00:17.727 --> 0:00:22.607 recorded on. Hello, I'm Holly Wayne Wright, and I am 0:00:22.767 --> 0:00:25.447 mid conversations for gen X women who are anything but 0:00:26.087 --> 0:00:28.607 welcome to our show. This is a special drop. We 0:00:28.927 --> 0:00:31.207 said to you at the beginning of season four that 0:00:31.247 --> 0:00:33.527 we were going to be doing some little drops in 0:00:33.567 --> 0:00:38.007 the feed of conversations, maybe essays. I've written things that 0:00:38.047 --> 0:00:40.247 we just wanted to talk about because they're playing on 0:00:40.287 --> 0:00:44.407 our minds as mid women of various kinds. And I 0:00:44.447 --> 0:00:46.887 did one about Baby Girl. Scroll back and listen. If 0:00:46.887 --> 0:00:49.207 you've only recently seen that movie, the one with Nicole 0:00:49.287 --> 0:00:52.247 Kidman where she has a very it's not hot. I 0:00:52.287 --> 0:00:54.287 wouldn't say I don't think the sex in that movie 0:00:54.367 --> 0:00:57.727 is meant to be hot. It's a very provocative and 0:00:57.847 --> 0:01:03.327 interesting view of mid life sexuality, and Kidman's amazing in it. Anyway, 0:01:03.607 --> 0:01:06.607 I did one about that, and today I couldn't stop 0:01:06.647 --> 0:01:10.807 thinking about the three friends in The White Lotus. Now, 0:01:10.847 --> 0:01:12.687 you might not be watching The White Lotus. It is 0:01:12.727 --> 0:01:14.647 one of those shows that everybody thinks you should be 0:01:14.647 --> 0:01:16.527 watching and tells you that you should be watching, and 0:01:16.567 --> 0:01:20.767 sometimes I really resist those kind of shows, prestige TV 0:01:21.007 --> 0:01:23.447 as it's called. But whether you're watching it or not, 0:01:23.487 --> 0:01:25.847 you're going to recognize this story I'm about to tell 0:01:25.887 --> 0:01:29.887 you because the three friends in that show are some 0:01:30.047 --> 0:01:32.927 of the many representations of midwomen that we're seeing on 0:01:33.047 --> 0:01:35.167 TV at the moment. They're all in their forties, they've 0:01:35.167 --> 0:01:37.687 been friends for a long time. The dynamic between them 0:01:37.727 --> 0:01:42.327 is fascinating, from their sort of passive, aggressive, endless compliments 0:01:42.367 --> 0:01:44.687 to each other, you look amazing, you look amazing, well 0:01:44.767 --> 0:01:48.447 also whispering a little bit behind each other's back about 0:01:48.447 --> 0:01:50.647 how they seem to actually know very little about each other, 0:01:50.687 --> 0:01:54.407 from their politics to their surgery choices. It's a really 0:01:54.527 --> 0:01:59.687 interesting dynamic and a really interesting representation of friendship at 0:01:59.687 --> 0:02:02.767 this stage of life. Anyway, there is a scene in 0:02:02.807 --> 0:02:05.727 the most recent episode that I can't stop thinking about, 0:02:05.887 --> 0:02:07.727 and whether you've seen it or not, I think you're 0:02:07.727 --> 0:02:10.647 going to know what I'm talking about. So here I'm 0:02:10.687 --> 0:02:13.207 going to read you a piece that I wrote for 0:02:13.287 --> 0:02:19.727 Mamma Mia about that White Lotus Paul scene. There's a 0:02:19.807 --> 0:02:23.487 moment in every woman's life when she catches sight of 0:02:23.487 --> 0:02:27.767 herself through other people's eyes, and it's a jolt. That 0:02:27.927 --> 0:02:31.407 moment happened to Jacqueline Lemon in episode four of The 0:02:31.447 --> 0:02:35.847 White Lotus, and oh was this scene a rich text. 0:02:36.447 --> 0:02:38.887 If you're not watching The White Lotus and not everyone is, 0:02:38.927 --> 0:02:42.767 of course, let me sketch you a quick outline. Among 0:02:42.807 --> 0:02:45.927 the groups of characters who've checked into a luxurious Thailand 0:02:45.927 --> 0:02:50.247 hotel are three longtime girlfriends, Jacqueline, who lives in Hollywood 0:02:50.247 --> 0:02:54.047 and is on TV, Kate, who lives in Austin, Texas 0:02:54.047 --> 0:02:56.527 and is married to a rich man, and Laurie, who 0:02:56.527 --> 0:02:59.727 lives in New York and has a corporate job. Jacqueline 0:02:59.727 --> 0:03:02.767 is paying for everyone, and Kate's husband thinks that this 0:03:02.927 --> 0:03:07.287 is a midlife crisis trip. It's not specified how old 0:03:07.327 --> 0:03:10.527 these three school friends are exactly, but let's land at 0:03:10.607 --> 0:03:16.527 later mid forties, and my, these are some stunning, groomed, toned, 0:03:16.727 --> 0:03:21.127 plumped and smoothed mid forties friends. Even Lourie, who can't 0:03:21.127 --> 0:03:24.527 relate to Jacqueline and Kate's who's your doctor tweakment talk 0:03:25.127 --> 0:03:29.447 is slim, shiny and stylish. There's a whole other conversation 0:03:29.567 --> 0:03:31.487 to be had about being the lorry and a friend 0:03:31.527 --> 0:03:34.007 group of Jacquelines and Kates who will tell you that 0:03:34.087 --> 0:03:37.767 you look amazing while hinting at your bravery and relatability. 0:03:37.967 --> 0:03:40.727 But we'll get to that another day. The creator of 0:03:40.727 --> 0:03:44.247 the White Lotus, Mike White, has captured a perfect, thin 0:03:44.367 --> 0:03:48.167 slice in these characters. This is what the new forties 0:03:48.247 --> 0:03:51.767 looks like, and it's nothing like the old forties, nothing 0:03:51.887 --> 0:03:56.327 like middle age aspirationally still hot. These are not your 0:03:56.407 --> 0:04:00.807 mother's foreheads, and this is not your mother's resort were still. 0:04:01.167 --> 0:04:03.767 When Jacqueline asks their young hotel butler if he can 0:04:03.807 --> 0:04:07.207 direct them to a vibey place for cocktails, she runs 0:04:07.367 --> 0:04:11.607 perfect face first into the realation that even Hollywood forty 0:04:11.647 --> 0:04:16.287 something is not in fact twenty something. This brings us 0:04:16.287 --> 0:04:19.847 to the pool. Jacqueline, whose confidence is already shaky because 0:04:19.847 --> 0:04:22.967 her younger actor husband has been mysteriously hard to reach 0:04:23.047 --> 0:04:26.367 while she's been away, realizes that the other people at 0:04:26.367 --> 0:04:32.607 this supposedly vibey cocktail spot are old, like proper old, 0:04:32.687 --> 0:04:35.367 not in numbers, although there's a doubtless higher than hers, 0:04:35.367 --> 0:04:40.527 but in body, in face, in vibe. First, she notices 0:04:40.567 --> 0:04:43.727 the women their kaftans and playsuits might be the same 0:04:43.887 --> 0:04:47.647 swirling camillary prints as hers, but the skin inside them 0:04:47.687 --> 0:04:53.087 is creepy. Under arms wobble bulges peek out from underswimsuit straps. 0:04:53.367 --> 0:04:58.607 Their chins are soft, their jawlins loose. There's gray hair wrinkles. 0:04:59.407 --> 0:05:05.127 Then she sees the men weathered, untoned, white haired, sleazy. 0:05:05.287 --> 0:05:08.327 If my words are harsh, so is the camera, because 0:05:08.367 --> 0:05:13.287 we're seeing these people through Jacqueline's eyes. Aging, visible physical 0:05:13.327 --> 0:05:17.447 aging is her worst nightmare. It's something she spends copious 0:05:17.487 --> 0:05:21.567 amounts of money and time avoiding these people. Real people 0:05:22.007 --> 0:05:25.447 are not who she's prepared to drink with. Being thrown 0:05:25.487 --> 0:05:29.087 into a sea of bargain basement retirees is a literal 0:05:29.127 --> 0:05:33.767 horror story for her. But then the realization, the jolt 0:05:33.847 --> 0:05:38.447 of recognition. The hot butler sent them here. He thought 0:05:38.487 --> 0:05:42.607 they'd fit in, he thought they'd enjoy it. He thought 0:05:42.927 --> 0:05:47.327 they belonged as glamorous and lineless as Jacqueline, Kate, and 0:05:47.407 --> 0:05:49.767 Lourie may be through the eyes of a man in 0:05:49.807 --> 0:05:53.007 his twenties, they're in the same broad bucket as these 0:05:53.127 --> 0:05:58.367 ordinary mortals. Over forty equals old. This is the moment 0:05:58.407 --> 0:06:00.847 of uncomfortable truth for all of us. At some point 0:06:01.047 --> 0:06:04.447 the moment we confront our own age and our own ageism. 0:06:05.247 --> 0:06:07.367 I have an ugly memory of being in a taxiq 0:06:07.647 --> 0:06:10.447 many years ago, somewhere in all Sydney, late at night. 0:06:10.887 --> 0:06:13.847 An obnoxious drunk man was going down the line, pointing 0:06:13.847 --> 0:06:16.207 at the women and guessing their ages. I have no 0:06:16.287 --> 0:06:18.847 idea why, and let's not waste any brain cells on that, 0:06:19.167 --> 0:06:21.887 but I imagine he was aiming to humiliate us in that 0:06:22.087 --> 0:06:26.687 super adorable way that drunk men sometimes do. Eighteen, he'd say, 0:06:26.807 --> 0:06:29.167 leering at a young woman who'd rather be anywhere else. 0:06:29.527 --> 0:06:33.487 Twenty six, twenty one, he came to me and he 0:06:33.567 --> 0:06:36.207 tried to focus on my face for a long, beery 0:06:36.327 --> 0:06:40.007 smelling moment. I, like every other woman in that queue, 0:06:40.327 --> 0:06:44.607 looked at the ground, silently willing him away. Thirty five, 0:06:45.007 --> 0:06:51.247 he shouted, thirty five too old to be out? Listener. 0:06:51.647 --> 0:06:55.527 I was thirty five, and I was mortified as the 0:06:55.567 --> 0:06:58.327 men in the queue giggled because I didn't think I 0:06:58.407 --> 0:07:01.327 looked thirty five, and I didn't think I was too 0:07:01.367 --> 0:07:04.327 old to be out. But this man saw me and 0:07:04.367 --> 0:07:08.207 my age. He saw through me. Even a decree had 0:07:08.247 --> 0:07:11.167 been delivered, and because of hundreds or thousands of years 0:07:11.167 --> 0:07:14.767 of conditioning. This drunk man's opinion of me felt like 0:07:14.847 --> 0:07:20.807 it had validity. Wait, and my age was an embarrassment. Now, 0:07:20.887 --> 0:07:23.607 of course I believe thirty five year olds to be babies, 0:07:23.887 --> 0:07:26.407 certainly still permitted to be out drinking cocktails and getting 0:07:26.447 --> 0:07:29.287 cabs home. And I believe smoothed face Jacqueline to be 0:07:29.367 --> 0:07:32.487 a baby too. But she just got age shamed by 0:07:32.567 --> 0:07:36.087 someone she thought understood who she was and who she 0:07:36.407 --> 0:07:41.567 was and is is not an old person. This isn't me, 0:07:41.767 --> 0:07:44.607 she's thinking, not yet, it's not, nor will it be. 0:07:44.967 --> 0:07:47.367 Don't put me there with these people who are closer 0:07:47.367 --> 0:07:50.247 to their end than their beginning, and who look like 0:07:50.327 --> 0:07:52.847 it too. Don't put me here with a window seat 0:07:52.847 --> 0:07:55.807 to the next act, too close to facing the very 0:07:55.847 --> 0:07:58.607 thing that I'm fighting that I've convinced myself will never 0:07:58.727 --> 0:08:03.487 happen if I just try hard enough to resist it, pay, pray, 0:08:04.047 --> 0:08:07.127 work at it. We and when I say we, I 0:08:07.167 --> 0:08:10.927 mean the culture broadly say all the right words about 0:08:10.967 --> 0:08:13.607 embracing aging and the beauty of a lived in face, 0:08:13.687 --> 0:08:16.567 and how lines tell stories, and that there's a welcome 0:08:16.607 --> 0:08:19.967 softening to a wise older woman. But do we believe 0:08:20.007 --> 0:08:23.807 them when we're facing the reality ourselves that it's our 0:08:23.967 --> 0:08:26.567 faces and our bodies that are going to be the 0:08:26.607 --> 0:08:30.927 horror story to the hot young butler. What Jacqueline is 0:08:30.967 --> 0:08:34.007 thinking as she's running away, screaming as she grabs her purse, 0:08:34.087 --> 0:08:36.327 ditches her drink, and ushers her friends away from the 0:08:36.447 --> 0:08:39.727 visibly aged as if they were in infection she might catch, 0:08:40.327 --> 0:08:43.207 is they're not like us. We will never be them. 0:08:43.727 --> 0:08:47.007 I am alive, I am still young. And to the 0:08:47.047 --> 0:08:50.167 man whose eyes saw her age before her beauty, she's saying, 0:08:50.327 --> 0:08:55.727 how dare you call me old? Even without words, it's 0:08:55.807 --> 0:08:59.127 still the very worst thing that any woman can be. 0:09:01.447 --> 0:09:04.047 Thank you for listening to our little drop about the 0:09:04.047 --> 0:09:06.967 white Loaders. Tell us what you thought. Listen to mid 0:09:07.247 --> 0:09:09.207 Braden review. We'll see you next time.