1 00:00:05,489 --> 00:00:09,988 Speaker 1: X's come in all different shapes and sizes, the cheetahs, 2 00:00:10,140 --> 00:00:12,859 Speaker 1: the liars, the fallout of lovers. 3 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:16,989 Speaker 1: But what about those who become an ex because they're, well, 4 00:00:17,209 --> 00:00:20,718 Speaker 1: not there anymore? The ones you've promised to love forever, 5 00:00:20,879 --> 00:00:24,919 Speaker 1: planned a life with, married, for better for worse, for 6 00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:28,959 Speaker 1: richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death 7 00:00:28,959 --> 00:00:29,440 Speaker 1: do us 8 00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:29,940 Speaker 1: part. 9 00:00:30,930 --> 00:00:32,529 Speaker 2: I didn't choose to lose Todd. 10 00:00:33,779 --> 00:00:36,250 Speaker 2: Uh, in an ideal world, I would be doing this 11 00:00:36,250 --> 00:00:40,150 Speaker 2: with him, but the universe decided that wasn't my journey. 12 00:00:49,290 --> 00:00:52,459 Speaker 1: I'm Georgia Love, and this is Everyone Has an X. 13 00:00:52,668 --> 00:00:54,950 Speaker 1: Come with me as we dive into a collection of 14 00:00:54,950 --> 00:00:59,430 Speaker 1: unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the 15 00:00:59,430 --> 00:01:01,869 Speaker 1: hearts of the very people who lived them. 16 00:01:03,590 --> 00:01:05,949 Speaker 1: To begin this story, I need to take you to 17 00:01:05,949 --> 00:01:08,470 Speaker 1: the city of churches and the home of some of 18 00:01:08,470 --> 00:01:14,150 Speaker 1: the world's finest wines, Adelaide. And in 2005, it was 19 00:01:14,150 --> 00:01:18,229 Speaker 1: also the home of the V8 supercars Glypso 500. Think 20 00:01:18,230 --> 00:01:21,260 Speaker 1: Holden versus Ford, the smell of petrol in the air, 21 00:01:21,470 --> 00:01:24,988 Speaker 1: empty tinnies scattered on the ground, and grid girls roaming 22 00:01:24,989 --> 00:01:29,430 Speaker 1: the track in lycra and high heels. The perfect romantic 23 00:01:29,430 --> 00:01:31,629 Speaker 1: background for when Suzie met Todd. 24 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:35,160 Speaker 2: So I'd come from Melbourne to Adelaide for work, and 25 00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:39,399 Speaker 2: his friend had won a competition with Cougar Bourbon for 26 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:44,629 Speaker 2: a trip to the Adelaide 500 and took Todd as 27 00:01:44,629 --> 00:01:47,080 Speaker 2: one of his guests. I was working for CUB at 28 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:48,959 Speaker 2: the time, so it was part of our kind of 29 00:01:48,959 --> 00:01:52,279 Speaker 2: activity for the weekend. I would pick them up for 30 00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:55,400 Speaker 2: pit tours and drive a meet and greets and that 31 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:55,959 Speaker 2: kind of thing. 32 00:01:56,680 --> 00:02:00,379 Speaker 2: And clocked him and thought that he was cute. I mean, 33 00:02:00,449 --> 00:02:03,620 Speaker 2: he was there, you know, 3 firemen winning this trip. 34 00:02:03,699 --> 00:02:06,860 Speaker 2: That was kind of fun. And he was cute and 35 00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:10,869 Speaker 2: kind of looked like your stereotypical fireman. He was big and, 36 00:02:10,979 --> 00:02:13,610 Speaker 2: you know, blonde. He was from Perth, so he had the, 37 00:02:13,820 --> 00:02:16,410 Speaker 2: the olive skin and was just pretty cute. 38 00:02:16,910 --> 00:02:19,750 Speaker 2: Um, and, but he didn't talk a lot, and he 39 00:02:19,750 --> 00:02:23,228 Speaker 2: was hard work, so the other guys were really enthusiastic 40 00:02:23,229 --> 00:02:24,910 Speaker 2: about doing things, but he kind of didn't want to 41 00:02:24,910 --> 00:02:27,029 Speaker 2: participate in stuff and was just a bit awkward and 42 00:02:27,029 --> 00:02:29,788 Speaker 2: a bit shy. And so it wasn't really until the 43 00:02:29,788 --> 00:02:33,139 Speaker 2: last night that everybody went out for drinks that I 44 00:02:33,508 --> 00:02:35,538 Speaker 2: was chatting to him, and he came up to the bar, 45 00:02:35,949 --> 00:02:39,149 Speaker 2: which was a, um, a fully free bar put on 46 00:02:39,149 --> 00:02:41,830 Speaker 2: by CUB and came up and offered to buy me 47 00:02:41,830 --> 00:02:43,820 Speaker 2: a drink at the free bar. 48 00:02:44,250 --> 00:02:48,199 Speaker 2: And that, um, just started the conversation, and I think my, 49 00:02:48,410 --> 00:02:50,050 Speaker 2: some of my first words to him were, Oh, I 50 00:02:50,050 --> 00:02:52,038 Speaker 2: thought you were mute. Lovely to hear that you can 51 00:02:52,038 --> 00:02:57,279 Speaker 2: actually talk. Anyway, that just, we barely stopped talking, um, 52 00:02:57,449 --> 00:03:01,288 Speaker 2: that night. I think we parted ways at about 3 a.m. 53 00:03:02,169 --> 00:03:06,470 Speaker 1: A tall blonde fireman at the Clipsal 500. Could you 54 00:03:06,470 --> 00:03:10,269 Speaker 1: get any more fairy tale? Well, their racy romance could 55 00:03:10,270 --> 00:03:13,399 Speaker 1: have been short-lived. The next morning, Todd flew back to 56 00:03:13,399 --> 00:03:16,470 Speaker 1: his hometown of Perth and Susie to hers of Melbourne. 57 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:19,119 Speaker 1: That wouldn't make this a very good love story now, 58 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:19,728 Speaker 1: would it? 59 00:03:20,199 --> 00:03:22,059 Speaker 2: It was one of those kind of just 60 00:03:23,089 --> 00:03:25,320 Speaker 2: Connections that you just can't get enough, you know, the 61 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:27,820 Speaker 2: next day I remember after he left, he sent a 62 00:03:27,820 --> 00:03:30,679 Speaker 2: that early that morning, he sent a text about 10 63 00:03:30,679 --> 00:03:33,520 Speaker 2: minutes after he left, and, you know, the next morning 64 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:35,119 Speaker 2: when I woke up, the first thing I did was 65 00:03:35,119 --> 00:03:37,479 Speaker 2: send him another message, and every time the phone pinged 66 00:03:37,479 --> 00:03:40,869 Speaker 2: it was that, you know, beautiful kind of initial exciting 67 00:03:40,869 --> 00:03:43,320 Speaker 2: um feeling, so yeah, there was a lot of messaging 68 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:45,240 Speaker 2: back and forth, a lot of phone calls. 69 00:03:45,779 --> 00:03:49,860 Speaker 2: Um, so, yeah, 2 weeks later, I flew to Perth 70 00:03:49,860 --> 00:03:52,020 Speaker 2: to meet him, and we went down to Dunsborough for 71 00:03:52,020 --> 00:03:52,979 Speaker 2: the weekend. 72 00:03:53,770 --> 00:03:58,020 Speaker 2: Um, and that kind of kicked off what was in 73 00:03:58,020 --> 00:04:02,050 Speaker 2: the next 4 years of long distance relationship. 74 00:04:02,500 --> 00:04:06,039 Speaker 1: Now, that's certainly not the ideal situation, least of all, 75 00:04:06,179 --> 00:04:09,380 Speaker 1: for 4 years. But Todd's job as a firefighter meant 76 00:04:09,380 --> 00:04:12,779 Speaker 1: he couldn't leave Western Australia, while Suzie had a solid 77 00:04:12,779 --> 00:04:15,339 Speaker 1: job across the other side of the country and was 78 00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:18,779 Speaker 1: very close to her friends and family. But when you know, 79 00:04:18,820 --> 00:04:20,559 Speaker 1: you know, and you make it 80 00:04:20,559 --> 00:04:21,049 Speaker 1: work. 81 00:04:21,540 --> 00:04:24,339 Speaker 2: Because he was a firefighter, he worked shifts, and so 82 00:04:24,339 --> 00:04:28,328 Speaker 2: that gave him some flexibility, um, in coming to Melbourne, 83 00:04:28,738 --> 00:04:31,820 Speaker 2: sometimes during the week. And then I would fly there 84 00:04:31,820 --> 00:04:33,500 Speaker 2: after work on a Friday and come back on the 85 00:04:33,500 --> 00:04:36,940 Speaker 2: red-eye on Sunday night, go home, shower, and go straight 86 00:04:36,940 --> 00:04:39,600 Speaker 2: to work. And that was kind of our drill. You know, 87 00:04:39,700 --> 00:04:42,220 Speaker 2: we tried to not go longer than 3 weeks without 88 00:04:42,220 --> 00:04:43,170 Speaker 2: seeing each other. 89 00:04:43,459 --> 00:04:46,260 Speaker 1: The distance was tough. There was pressure to make the 90 00:04:46,260 --> 00:04:48,928 Speaker 1: most of those precious days they were together. 91 00:04:49,244 --> 00:04:51,635 Speaker 1: And it was hard to settle into a relationship when 92 00:04:51,635 --> 00:04:55,565 Speaker 1: you're spending so much time apart. Susie admits the struggles 93 00:04:55,565 --> 00:04:57,075 Speaker 1: almost broke them a couple of 94 00:04:57,075 --> 00:04:57,584 Speaker 1: times. 95 00:04:57,834 --> 00:04:59,834 Speaker 2: You know, we just had that sort of relationship that 96 00:04:59,834 --> 00:05:02,195 Speaker 2: it was difficult to let go. And I feel like 97 00:05:02,195 --> 00:05:04,515 Speaker 2: there was a number of times through our relationship, or 98 00:05:04,515 --> 00:05:06,045 Speaker 2: be it a moment in time where you're like, I 99 00:05:06,045 --> 00:05:09,554 Speaker 2: don't know if we can get through this. Somehow we 100 00:05:09,553 --> 00:05:12,354 Speaker 2: always found each other again. I just think he was 101 00:05:12,355 --> 00:05:14,834 Speaker 2: so different to anybody that I'd dated before, and I 102 00:05:14,834 --> 00:05:16,355 Speaker 2: was so different. 103 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,649 Speaker 2: To what he had dated before, we just came from 104 00:05:19,649 --> 00:05:22,049 Speaker 2: opposite sides of the world, you know, even the first 105 00:05:22,049 --> 00:05:23,959 Speaker 2: time he met my family, he was just, 106 00:05:25,309 --> 00:05:27,929 Speaker 2: He was literally silent for nearly all of dinner. And 107 00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:30,250 Speaker 2: I remember my dad made a comment saying, I think 108 00:05:30,250 --> 00:05:32,570 Speaker 2: that bloke's like socially inept. I don't even know if 109 00:05:32,570 --> 00:05:35,089 Speaker 2: he's like, what is going on. And I said to 110 00:05:35,089 --> 00:05:37,730 Speaker 2: him afterwards, What was going on? Like, how, why can't 111 00:05:37,730 --> 00:05:39,809 Speaker 2: you show them what I see? Like, why were you 112 00:05:39,809 --> 00:05:42,170 Speaker 2: so quiet? And he's like, I'm so in awe of 113 00:05:42,170 --> 00:05:44,839 Speaker 2: the way your family interact over a dinner table. You know, 114 00:05:44,928 --> 00:05:45,880 Speaker 2: like the way that 115 00:05:46,450 --> 00:05:49,089 Speaker 2: You're, you know, you're laughing and you've all got so 116 00:05:49,089 --> 00:05:51,890 Speaker 2: many stories to tell, and it's just such a beautifully 117 00:05:51,890 --> 00:05:56,058 Speaker 2: warm family environment. I've, I felt totally out of my depth. 118 00:05:56,170 --> 00:05:59,399 Speaker 2: And so we just came from different worlds. It just 119 00:05:59,399 --> 00:06:03,279 Speaker 2: felt like the universe meant for us to be together, 120 00:06:03,410 --> 00:06:05,359 Speaker 2: no matter the challenges. 121 00:06:05,730 --> 00:06:09,200 Speaker 1: The connection from that very first night was never lost. 122 00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:13,200 Speaker 1: Differences and distance aside at the end of the day. 123 00:06:13,450 --> 00:06:14,170 Speaker 1: They were in 124 00:06:14,170 --> 00:06:14,640 Speaker 1: love. 125 00:06:16,290 --> 00:06:18,089 Speaker 2: I think what I loved about him most. 126 00:06:18,660 --> 00:06:21,570 Speaker 2: Is that I felt totally safe with him. You know, 127 00:06:21,700 --> 00:06:25,250 Speaker 2: I could go to the middle of a war-torn country, 128 00:06:25,420 --> 00:06:26,940 Speaker 2: and if I had him by my side, I would 129 00:06:26,940 --> 00:06:29,660 Speaker 2: have absolute faith that we would be OK. When he 130 00:06:29,660 --> 00:06:32,058 Speaker 2: was at work, or when he was in a situation 131 00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:35,928 Speaker 2: where he needed to make calls quickly, he was just beyond, like, 132 00:06:35,940 --> 00:06:38,260 Speaker 2: I've never seen anything like it. We were driving in 133 00:06:38,260 --> 00:06:40,730 Speaker 2: Perth one night, and we were going past a pub, 134 00:06:40,890 --> 00:06:44,290 Speaker 2: and a guy who had been drinking, he was quite drunk, 135 00:06:44,790 --> 00:06:46,500 Speaker 2: stepped off the side of the road right in front 136 00:06:46,500 --> 00:06:47,859 Speaker 2: of the car in front of us, and the car 137 00:06:47,859 --> 00:06:48,339 Speaker 2: hit him. 138 00:06:48,959 --> 00:06:52,019 Speaker 2: And I just remember gasping and Todd just pulled the 139 00:06:52,019 --> 00:06:53,989 Speaker 2: car over, like got out of the car as if 140 00:06:53,988 --> 00:06:55,700 Speaker 2: he was just parking it, you know, to go on 141 00:06:55,700 --> 00:06:56,619 Speaker 2: and get a loaf of bread. 142 00:06:57,519 --> 00:06:59,750 Speaker 2: Walked over the woman in the car in front, he's like, OK, 143 00:06:59,839 --> 00:07:01,160 Speaker 2: if you can just pull your car over there, then 144 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:03,269 Speaker 2: I'm gonna need you to come back over here, went 145 00:07:03,269 --> 00:07:05,529 Speaker 2: to the guy on the road, his shoes were like scattered, 146 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:06,040 Speaker 2: he's like, 147 00:07:07,049 --> 00:07:09,369 Speaker 2: Getting people involved, can you just go there and just 148 00:07:09,369 --> 00:07:11,369 Speaker 2: make sure that traffic goes that way? Come on, mate, 149 00:07:11,489 --> 00:07:13,089 Speaker 2: let's have a look at you, get the guy into 150 00:07:13,089 --> 00:07:15,290 Speaker 2: the right position to make sure that he's safe. Can 151 00:07:15,290 --> 00:07:19,119 Speaker 2: you just call the ambulance? I, I just stood there, 152 00:07:19,410 --> 00:07:23,690 Speaker 2: I got absolutely useless myself watching this guy just totally 153 00:07:23,690 --> 00:07:26,799 Speaker 2: curate this situation on 154 00:07:27,510 --> 00:07:31,709 Speaker 2: A highway, and that was just him. He just, um, 155 00:07:32,459 --> 00:07:35,359 Speaker 2: You know, he was just the sort of person who 156 00:07:35,359 --> 00:07:38,480 Speaker 2: I felt entirely safe with, and he was just had 157 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:40,299 Speaker 2: incredible street smarts, and 158 00:07:41,149 --> 00:07:43,679 Speaker 2: You know, I just remember thinking, 159 00:07:44,769 --> 00:07:47,609 Speaker 2: He just, he can tackle any sort of situation like this. 160 00:07:47,730 --> 00:07:50,359 Speaker 2: I will always be safe as long as he's here. 161 00:07:51,010 --> 00:07:53,049 Speaker 1: So what would get one of them to make the 162 00:07:53,049 --> 00:07:54,649 Speaker 1: call to finally be 163 00:07:54,649 --> 00:07:55,119 Speaker 1: together? 164 00:07:55,250 --> 00:07:57,320 Speaker 2: It was a Saturday morning, we were just lying in bed. 165 00:07:57,529 --> 00:07:59,100 Speaker 2: And I just got up to go to the loo 166 00:07:59,100 --> 00:08:00,529 Speaker 2: and came back and I said, come on baby, you 167 00:08:00,529 --> 00:08:02,130 Speaker 2: should get up. He's like, oh, just come back, come 168 00:08:02,130 --> 00:08:03,399 Speaker 2: back for a 5 minute cuddle. 169 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:05,959 Speaker 2: So I came back in, got back into bed, and 170 00:08:05,959 --> 00:08:08,309 Speaker 2: then he just kind of rolled onto his side and 171 00:08:08,619 --> 00:08:10,720 Speaker 2: presented a ring box and he just said, so what 172 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,510 Speaker 2: do you reckon, do you think we should get married? 173 00:08:12,630 --> 00:08:14,549 Speaker 2: And that was, that was it. 174 00:08:15,790 --> 00:08:18,429 Speaker 2: He bought this beautiful ring that, 175 00:08:19,510 --> 00:08:23,670 Speaker 2: He, 100% couldn't afford, and he'd bought it from a 176 00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:28,140 Speaker 2: shop in Albert Park, this jewelry that probably charged 50% 177 00:08:28,140 --> 00:08:30,390 Speaker 2: more than any other bloody jeweler because they're in Albert Park. 178 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:32,150 Speaker 2: But I'd walked past the shop and looked in the 179 00:08:32,150 --> 00:08:34,349 Speaker 2: window and said something about one of the rings, so 180 00:08:34,349 --> 00:08:36,630 Speaker 2: he would've thought, I need, you know, I need to 181 00:08:36,630 --> 00:08:40,469 Speaker 2: get her the ring that she loves, so, God love him. 182 00:08:41,099 --> 00:08:45,460 Speaker 1: So Susie moved to Perth. Ultimately their love won out, 183 00:08:45,630 --> 00:08:48,070 Speaker 1: and they knew wherever they were, whatever jobs they were 184 00:08:48,070 --> 00:08:50,939 Speaker 1: in or whoever they were surrounded by, they would only 185 00:08:50,940 --> 00:08:53,939 Speaker 1: really be truly happy if they were together. 186 00:08:54,469 --> 00:08:57,989 Speaker 2: We got married um in some gardens in Brighton and 187 00:08:57,989 --> 00:09:00,989 Speaker 2: then had our reception upstairs at the Brighton bars, which 188 00:09:00,989 --> 00:09:04,549 Speaker 2: was really beautiful, um and it was just a good 189 00:09:04,549 --> 00:09:07,909 Speaker 2: fun night, it was, reflective of us, his mum and 190 00:09:07,909 --> 00:09:09,789 Speaker 2: dad were there and their partners, 191 00:09:10,539 --> 00:09:15,159 Speaker 2: Uh, his station officer from work was his best man. Um, 192 00:09:15,179 --> 00:09:17,819 Speaker 2: and that was, I'd built up some really nice friendships 193 00:09:17,820 --> 00:09:21,459 Speaker 2: with his, um, work colleagues' wives, um, as well as 194 00:09:21,460 --> 00:09:24,280 Speaker 2: some of my colleagues that I was working with in Perth. 195 00:09:24,369 --> 00:09:25,859 Speaker 2: So I had a really nice base there as well, 196 00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:31,020 Speaker 2: which was lovely to have them in Melbourne in my environment. Um. 197 00:09:31,590 --> 00:09:33,589 Speaker 2: Yeah, it was really lovely, so we did that and 198 00:09:33,590 --> 00:09:36,229 Speaker 2: we stayed in um Melbourne for Christmas. We got married 199 00:09:36,229 --> 00:09:38,229 Speaker 2: on the 18th of December, so we just stayed here 200 00:09:38,229 --> 00:09:42,580 Speaker 2: for Christmas, and then headed back to Perth in Jan. 201 00:09:43,109 --> 00:09:44,869 Speaker 2: We went to our honeymoon. 202 00:09:45,599 --> 00:09:48,959 Speaker 2: On the 15th of March, which was gorgeous, had the 203 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,359 Speaker 2: first half in Vietnam, which was like a school excursion, 204 00:09:51,369 --> 00:09:53,799 Speaker 2: he had us up at 7 a.m. every morning, doing 205 00:09:53,799 --> 00:09:57,319 Speaker 2: tours out to, you know, relevant war sites and that 206 00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,780 Speaker 2: kind of thing, and so then uh we went to 207 00:09:59,780 --> 00:10:02,080 Speaker 2: Koanta for our honeymoon, which was for the second half 208 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:04,200 Speaker 2: of the honeymoon, which was for me the wind down 209 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:05,669 Speaker 2: part and just the really beautiful. 210 00:10:06,099 --> 00:10:07,579 Speaker 2: Romantic part of the trip. 211 00:10:08,030 --> 00:10:11,150 Speaker 1: Life had finally come together for Suzie and Todd at 212 00:10:11,150 --> 00:10:15,309 Speaker 1: 30 and 36 after 4 years of long distance, it 213 00:10:15,309 --> 00:10:16,789 Speaker 1: had all been worth it. 214 00:10:18,030 --> 00:10:20,159 Speaker 2: It was funny, I mean, I, you know, you often 215 00:10:20,159 --> 00:10:23,210 Speaker 2: hear people when they get married, um, you hear people 216 00:10:23,210 --> 00:10:25,349 Speaker 2: say to them, oh, does it feel different being married? 217 00:10:26,109 --> 00:10:28,669 Speaker 2: And funnily, I always thought that was such a ridiculous 218 00:10:28,669 --> 00:10:34,950 Speaker 2: question because, what's changed, essentially, but, it did, it felt 219 00:10:34,950 --> 00:10:38,069 Speaker 2: really different and I think from both of our perspectives, 220 00:10:38,130 --> 00:10:39,380 Speaker 2: I think the things that, 221 00:10:40,190 --> 00:10:46,270 Speaker 2: Um, challenged Todd about my independence and, um, you know, 222 00:10:46,309 --> 00:10:48,510 Speaker 2: I think he took my independence for kind of being 223 00:10:48,510 --> 00:10:49,109 Speaker 2: half in. 224 00:10:50,159 --> 00:10:53,330 Speaker 2: And I think by being married, it gave him the 225 00:10:53,330 --> 00:10:56,978 Speaker 2: confidence that I was 100% in. I just needed my 226 00:10:56,979 --> 00:11:00,409 Speaker 2: time to do things with friends and that and that 227 00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:02,030 Speaker 2: kind of thing. So I think it gave him a 228 00:11:02,049 --> 00:11:04,570 Speaker 2: a sense of confidence in our relationship that maybe hadn't 229 00:11:04,570 --> 00:11:09,169 Speaker 2: been there before, and probably the same for me, I 230 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:10,049 Speaker 2: just felt, 231 00:11:10,750 --> 00:11:12,848 Speaker 2: Like we were, we were on a really good path, 232 00:11:13,030 --> 00:11:16,900 Speaker 2: I just felt, I just felt totally at peace with 233 00:11:16,900 --> 00:11:19,830 Speaker 2: the relationship, totally at peace with being in Perth, it 234 00:11:19,830 --> 00:11:21,229 Speaker 2: just felt like everything had just, 235 00:11:22,260 --> 00:11:23,169 Speaker 2: Was just where it should 236 00:11:23,169 --> 00:11:26,699 Speaker 1: be. Life started to settle into normal. They'd now been 237 00:11:26,700 --> 00:11:29,969 Speaker 1: married 4 months, both had great jobs, and were excited 238 00:11:29,969 --> 00:11:32,770 Speaker 1: to look to the future. They'd even started talking about 239 00:11:32,770 --> 00:11:37,119 Speaker 1: the pitter patter of little feet. Life was truly wonderful. 240 00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:40,098 Speaker 1: So when they woke up on what should have been 241 00:11:40,099 --> 00:11:44,419 Speaker 1: any other Saturday in April 2011, 1 week after returning 242 00:11:44,419 --> 00:11:45,309 Speaker 1: from their honeymoon. 243 00:11:45,770 --> 00:11:50,340 Speaker 1: No one could have anticipated that everything was about to change. 244 00:11:50,669 --> 00:11:54,030 Speaker 2: We'd just got back and he'd, um, he was heading 245 00:11:54,030 --> 00:11:56,590 Speaker 2: to his 2nd shift back at work, so it was Saturday, 246 00:11:56,599 --> 00:11:57,590 Speaker 2: of Easter weekend. 247 00:11:58,380 --> 00:12:01,169 Speaker 2: Um, so he'd leave at about 6 o'clock. 248 00:12:02,390 --> 00:12:05,619 Speaker 2: I headed to the gym, um, and we had a conversation. 249 00:12:05,820 --> 00:12:08,190 Speaker 2: I got to the gym for a class that had 250 00:12:08,190 --> 00:12:10,229 Speaker 2: been rescheduled because of Easter weekend, so I'm on the 251 00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:12,109 Speaker 2: phone to him. I'm like, this is shit. I've come 252 00:12:12,109 --> 00:12:14,869 Speaker 2: to the gym, it's not, class isn't even on. He's like, oh, 253 00:12:14,989 --> 00:12:16,909 Speaker 2: stop whinging about it, get on the treadmill or something. 254 00:12:17,750 --> 00:12:20,159 Speaker 2: And so I think my last comment was like, You're 255 00:12:20,159 --> 00:12:22,659 Speaker 2: annoying me. I'm getting off the phone. He was like, OK, 256 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:24,280 Speaker 2: see ya. I'm off to the gym too, see ya, 257 00:12:24,390 --> 00:12:27,080 Speaker 2: hung up the phone, got on the treadmill, and one 258 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,478 Speaker 2: of my girlfriends called from Melbourne. So I think I 259 00:12:29,479 --> 00:12:31,320 Speaker 2: was on the treadmill talking to her for about 20 260 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:34,000 Speaker 2: minutes and then thought, I'm going home, I'm not working 261 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,719 Speaker 2: out here. So I kept chatting to her. 262 00:12:36,510 --> 00:12:38,270 Speaker 2: Um, and I got home. 263 00:12:39,179 --> 00:12:41,630 Speaker 2: And my phone was still on silent. 264 00:12:42,349 --> 00:12:44,799 Speaker 2: And I was in our front room, um, of the house, 265 00:12:44,809 --> 00:12:48,380 Speaker 2: and we had stained glass windows. And I saw a 266 00:12:48,380 --> 00:12:50,459 Speaker 2: figure walk past the stained glass windows, and I could 267 00:12:50,460 --> 00:12:53,939 Speaker 2: tell from what I could see that it was a 268 00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:57,460 Speaker 2: fire brigade uniform. And I was like, Well, that's not Todd, 269 00:12:57,700 --> 00:13:00,849 Speaker 2: because I could tell it wasn't his shape and his height. 270 00:13:01,299 --> 00:13:04,260 Speaker 2: And went to the door, um, and this gentleman introduced 271 00:13:04,260 --> 00:13:07,020 Speaker 2: himself to me. I had no idea what his name was, 272 00:13:07,219 --> 00:13:08,849 Speaker 2: but he was one of the senior. 273 00:13:10,250 --> 00:13:12,609 Speaker 2: People in the fire brigade in WA. 274 00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:15,710 Speaker 2: Um, and he told me that there'd been an incident 275 00:13:15,989 --> 00:13:18,270 Speaker 2: on station with Todd and that I needed to come 276 00:13:18,270 --> 00:13:18,710 Speaker 2: with him. 277 00:13:19,890 --> 00:13:23,080 Speaker 2: And I didn't think for a second that it was, uh, 278 00:13:23,239 --> 00:13:25,199 Speaker 2: clearly it was serious, but I didn't think for a 279 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:28,559 Speaker 2: second it was any more serious than similar to before 280 00:13:28,559 --> 00:13:30,969 Speaker 2: we'd gone on our honeymoon. He'd come home early from 281 00:13:30,969 --> 00:13:34,719 Speaker 2: a night shift because he'd pulled himself into an upturned 282 00:13:34,719 --> 00:13:37,718 Speaker 2: car through the window without his helmet on, and he'd 283 00:13:37,719 --> 00:13:40,799 Speaker 2: got some glass in his eye, um, and had gone 284 00:13:40,799 --> 00:13:42,280 Speaker 2: to the hospital to get it out and then had 285 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,000 Speaker 2: come home. So I was thinking, he's done something else 286 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:46,280 Speaker 2: stupid that he shouldn't have been doing, and he's not 287 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,000 Speaker 2: had his helmet on or something. 288 00:13:49,130 --> 00:13:52,130 Speaker 2: So I got in the car with this guy. It 289 00:13:52,130 --> 00:13:55,400 Speaker 2: was Easter Saturday, so traffic was revolting, and we got 290 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,960 Speaker 2: onto the, the highway quite quickly, and it was chockers. 291 00:13:59,409 --> 00:14:02,728 Speaker 2: And he put his sirens on, and I thought, that's 292 00:14:02,729 --> 00:14:04,770 Speaker 2: a bit odd. And he said, I'm just putting the 293 00:14:04,770 --> 00:14:06,719 Speaker 2: sirens on so we can try to get through this traffic. 294 00:14:07,049 --> 00:14:09,880 Speaker 2: He said, By the way, Paul has been trying to 295 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:12,340 Speaker 2: call you, and Paul was Todd's station officer, who was 296 00:14:12,340 --> 00:14:13,690 Speaker 2: the best man at our wedding. And I looked at 297 00:14:13,690 --> 00:14:15,520 Speaker 2: my phone, which had been on silent and had about 298 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:18,719 Speaker 2: 15 missed calls from Paul. So I called him back. 299 00:14:19,780 --> 00:14:21,979 Speaker 2: And I said, what's Paul, what's going on? And he said, Oh, 300 00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:24,460 Speaker 2: so we think Todd's had a heart attack. 301 00:14:28,719 --> 00:14:31,369 Speaker 2: And he said, I'm still at the station, um, I'm 302 00:14:31,369 --> 00:14:34,489 Speaker 2: trying to get another shift here to relieve us. The 303 00:14:34,489 --> 00:14:37,340 Speaker 2: other two boys have gone with Todd in the ambulance. 304 00:14:38,119 --> 00:14:40,799 Speaker 2: Um, you need to come to the hospital. So I 305 00:14:40,799 --> 00:14:42,599 Speaker 2: was like, I'm on the, I'm on the way. About 306 00:14:42,599 --> 00:14:44,619 Speaker 2: 5 minutes later, he called me back, he said, Susan, 307 00:14:44,630 --> 00:14:46,710 Speaker 2: I think you need to call Todd's parents. 308 00:14:47,989 --> 00:14:51,229 Speaker 2: And in that moment, I thought this is really serious. 309 00:14:52,969 --> 00:14:55,409 Speaker 2: For them to want his parents there, so I called 310 00:14:55,409 --> 00:14:57,969 Speaker 2: his dad and his dad was quite kind of calm. 311 00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:00,429 Speaker 2: I said, they think that Todd's had a heart attack 312 00:15:00,429 --> 00:15:02,880 Speaker 2: on station, you need to get to the hospital. And 313 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:05,590 Speaker 2: then I called his mom, and his mom burst into tears. 314 00:15:06,289 --> 00:15:10,099 Speaker 2: And that panicked me a little bit. Um, and it's 315 00:15:10,099 --> 00:15:12,349 Speaker 2: an hour and a half hour drive, so it just 316 00:15:12,349 --> 00:15:13,510 Speaker 2: felt like an eternity. 317 00:15:14,539 --> 00:15:17,330 Speaker 2: Um, and so I hung up from her. 318 00:15:18,340 --> 00:15:20,750 Speaker 2: Kept trying to ask this guy questions, what like, what, 319 00:15:20,859 --> 00:15:22,710 Speaker 2: what do you think has happened, how did this happen? 320 00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:24,010 Speaker 2: He didn't know anything. 321 00:15:24,729 --> 00:15:29,210 Speaker 2: Um, and then his phone rang on loudspeaker, and it 322 00:15:29,210 --> 00:15:32,369 Speaker 2: was some other fire person that I didn't know. And 323 00:15:32,369 --> 00:15:34,849 Speaker 2: they said, How far away are you guys? And he said, 324 00:15:34,929 --> 00:15:36,849 Speaker 2: We're about 15 minutes away. And he said, OK, well, 325 00:15:36,929 --> 00:15:39,210 Speaker 2: when you get here, we're in a room off the 326 00:15:39,210 --> 00:15:42,809 Speaker 2: emergency department, so call me when you're here so I 327 00:15:42,809 --> 00:15:43,929 Speaker 2: can bring Suzie through. 328 00:15:44,260 --> 00:15:48,650 Speaker 2: And all of these things were absolutely building on my anxiety. 329 00:15:48,750 --> 00:15:51,229 Speaker 2: I felt furious at him because I thought he's, he's 330 00:15:51,229 --> 00:15:53,799 Speaker 2: pushed himself too hard again, and now this has happened. 331 00:15:53,950 --> 00:15:57,830 Speaker 2: Like just stop for a second, just stop for a second. 332 00:15:58,729 --> 00:16:02,210 Speaker 2: So we pulled up at the hospital, whoever it was, 333 00:16:02,330 --> 00:16:04,049 Speaker 2: met us outside and took us into a room, and 334 00:16:04,049 --> 00:16:08,320 Speaker 2: I walked into the room, and the, his, his, um, 335 00:16:08,330 --> 00:16:12,580 Speaker 2: shift were all in the room, and his station officer's wife, 336 00:16:12,590 --> 00:16:16,130 Speaker 2: who I'd become quite friendly with, and his brother was 337 00:16:16,130 --> 00:16:19,239 Speaker 2: there with his girlfriend at the time, now wife. 338 00:16:20,099 --> 00:16:23,700 Speaker 2: And she walked over to me and hugged me and 339 00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:26,179 Speaker 2: started crying and said, I'm so sorry, Suzie. 340 00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:32,280 Speaker 2: And I was just thinking, what, uh, I, I, what, 341 00:16:32,359 --> 00:16:33,729 Speaker 2: what is going on, I have no idea what's going on. 342 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,359 Speaker 2: I just looked at Paul and I said, Paul, what's 343 00:16:35,359 --> 00:16:39,090 Speaker 2: going on? And he said, So, just hold up a minute, 344 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:41,859 Speaker 2: the doctor is coming in. And 345 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,289 Speaker 2: I was like, OK, OK, and where is he where 346 00:16:45,289 --> 00:16:46,929 Speaker 2: is he? He said, he's doing a race us. 347 00:16:47,890 --> 00:16:49,679 Speaker 2: And I thought, Oh my God, he's doing a race 348 00:16:49,679 --> 00:16:53,520 Speaker 2: us on Todd, so I'm panicking. And I'm like, What 349 00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:55,299 Speaker 2: do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? Like, 350 00:16:55,479 --> 00:16:57,880 Speaker 2: just in a panic trying to work out where there's 351 00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,520 Speaker 2: doors to this room and how I can get out 352 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:02,669 Speaker 2: to wherever Todd is. And Paul just stepped like he, 353 00:17:02,799 --> 00:17:05,839 Speaker 2: I just remembered them all kind of exchanging looks, and 354 00:17:05,839 --> 00:17:08,560 Speaker 2: Paul stepped over and hugged me and just said into 355 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,800 Speaker 2: my ear, He's gone, so is he. 356 00:17:14,189 --> 00:17:15,959 Speaker 2: And I was like, what do you mean, you just 357 00:17:15,959 --> 00:17:17,920 Speaker 2: told me he was doing a recess on him, how 358 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:20,119 Speaker 2: can you, how can you possibly know that? And he 359 00:17:20,119 --> 00:17:22,800 Speaker 2: said he's not doing a resus on Todd Suzie, he's 360 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:24,829 Speaker 2: on another patient, Todd's already gone. 361 00:17:26,839 --> 00:17:30,479 Speaker 2: And I just pushed past him and pushed out the 362 00:17:30,479 --> 00:17:33,680 Speaker 2: back door that was behind them and just lurched out 363 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:38,349 Speaker 2: into emergency, and thank God there was a nurse standing there. 364 00:17:39,170 --> 00:17:41,859 Speaker 2: And she said, Suzie, and I said yeah, she said, 365 00:17:41,900 --> 00:17:43,699 Speaker 2: do you wanna see him and I said yes, and 366 00:17:43,699 --> 00:17:47,540 Speaker 2: so she just took me in to one of the areas, 367 00:17:47,699 --> 00:17:50,079 Speaker 2: and he was lying there and I just remember going 368 00:17:50,079 --> 00:17:52,500 Speaker 2: over and just holding him, saying, Todd, they're telling me 369 00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:54,859 Speaker 2: that you're dead, just wake up, this is ridiculous, they're 370 00:17:54,859 --> 00:17:55,819 Speaker 2: telling me that you're dead. 371 00:17:56,709 --> 00:17:59,310 Speaker 2: And it just kind of all sunk in that. 372 00:18:00,469 --> 00:18:02,589 Speaker 2: That was, he was gone. 373 00:18:06,339 --> 00:18:08,629 Speaker 2: The doctor came in, a really beautiful doctor. He had 374 00:18:08,630 --> 00:18:12,189 Speaker 2: tears in his eyes too, and he just said, um, Mrs. Lidington, 375 00:18:12,229 --> 00:18:14,790 Speaker 2: and I said, yeah, he said, I'm so sorry, we 376 00:18:14,790 --> 00:18:18,709 Speaker 2: did everything that we could do. Um, and as it 377 00:18:18,709 --> 00:18:22,150 Speaker 2: turns out, you know, there's such a great bond between 378 00:18:22,150 --> 00:18:26,109 Speaker 2: those emergency services, and when he, um, when it happened 379 00:18:26,109 --> 00:18:28,869 Speaker 2: at the station, so he was in the gym apparently 380 00:18:28,869 --> 00:18:29,869 Speaker 2: doing CrossFit. 381 00:18:30,619 --> 00:18:34,829 Speaker 2: And um two of the boys had left and Paul 382 00:18:34,829 --> 00:18:38,329 Speaker 2: and Todd had decided to do another circuit, and Todd 383 00:18:38,329 --> 00:18:41,540 Speaker 2: lay down to do push-ups and Paul turned around and 384 00:18:41,949 --> 00:18:44,310 Speaker 2: um said, what are you, what Todd, what are you doing? 385 00:18:44,390 --> 00:18:47,020 Speaker 2: He had a really strange look on his face, and he, 386 00:18:48,119 --> 00:18:52,520 Speaker 2: Real realized immediately that something was wrong, and so he, um, called, 387 00:18:52,530 --> 00:18:54,319 Speaker 2: yelled out to the boys to come back up, and 388 00:18:54,319 --> 00:19:00,560 Speaker 2: they performed CPR called the ambulance, um, 5 ambulance units 389 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:03,280 Speaker 2: turned out. I think they worked on him there for 390 00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:05,680 Speaker 2: about 40 minutes before they took him to the hospital, 391 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,199 Speaker 2: so I think probably when they finally moved him, he 392 00:19:08,199 --> 00:19:10,680 Speaker 2: was probably already gone, um. 393 00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:15,718 Speaker 2: And we later discovered that he had heart disease that 394 00:19:15,719 --> 00:19:18,719 Speaker 2: we were totally unaware of, and one side of his 395 00:19:18,719 --> 00:19:22,079 Speaker 2: heart was 60% blocked, the other was 90% blocked. And 396 00:19:22,079 --> 00:19:25,439 Speaker 2: because his heart was so strong, it just kept pumping 397 00:19:25,439 --> 00:19:28,399 Speaker 2: blood through these tiny little gaps. And that morning, a 398 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:31,829 Speaker 2: clot hit one of the sides and he was just gone. 399 00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:42,030 Speaker 2: There's so many parts of that day that I don't remember. 400 00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:43,979 Speaker 2: You know, I think I got to the hospital at 401 00:19:43,979 --> 00:19:46,040 Speaker 2: 10 a.m. and I think I left it, 402 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:52,319 Speaker 2: 5:36, but one of the things that I remember is 403 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:55,800 Speaker 2: not wanting to leave him, um. 404 00:19:57,130 --> 00:19:59,839 Speaker 2: Because I knew that he didn't like being by himself, 405 00:20:00,010 --> 00:20:04,489 Speaker 2: and I had this, you know, just this urge to 406 00:20:04,489 --> 00:20:08,599 Speaker 2: not leave him, and I think probably at 3 o'clock, 407 00:20:09,290 --> 00:20:11,449 Speaker 2: nurses started to come in and say we need to 408 00:20:11,449 --> 00:20:12,079 Speaker 2: take him. 409 00:20:13,089 --> 00:20:16,050 Speaker 2: And sometimes I'd answer them and sometimes I wouldn't, and 410 00:20:16,050 --> 00:20:17,790 Speaker 2: if I answered them I'd say I'm not ready to 411 00:20:17,790 --> 00:20:20,369 Speaker 2: leave yet, and they'd just kind of leave, or other 412 00:20:20,369 --> 00:20:21,890 Speaker 2: times I'd just sort of have my head on his 413 00:20:21,890 --> 00:20:24,530 Speaker 2: chest and I just wouldn't even respond to them. And 414 00:20:24,530 --> 00:20:26,010 Speaker 2: then I remember um. 415 00:20:26,989 --> 00:20:30,010 Speaker 2: The doctor came in and said, Suzie, we really need 416 00:20:30,010 --> 00:20:32,409 Speaker 2: you to leave, we need to take Todd now, and 417 00:20:32,410 --> 00:20:34,650 Speaker 2: I just said I can't, I can't leave him, he 418 00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:38,530 Speaker 2: doesn't like being by himself, I cannot leave him. So 419 00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:41,760 Speaker 2: he left and then the fire brigade chaplain came in 420 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:43,198 Speaker 2: and I had never met him before. 421 00:20:44,380 --> 00:20:48,839 Speaker 2: Ron, his name was, and he said, Susie, you have, 422 00:20:48,900 --> 00:20:51,409 Speaker 2: you know, you have to go and I I can't, 423 00:20:51,579 --> 00:20:53,739 Speaker 2: and he said to me, he's not there anymore, Suzie, 424 00:20:53,819 --> 00:20:57,170 Speaker 2: it's not, that's not Todd that you're sitting with anymore. 425 00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:02,479 Speaker 2: And he said where he's gone, he's happy, and I 426 00:21:02,479 --> 00:21:05,359 Speaker 2: said he's not happy, how could he be happy? There's 427 00:21:05,359 --> 00:21:07,069 Speaker 2: no way that he could be happy. 428 00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:10,329 Speaker 2: And he said, I know that's how you feel, but. 429 00:21:11,420 --> 00:21:14,780 Speaker 2: Believe me, when I say that where he's gone is 430 00:21:14,780 --> 00:21:17,810 Speaker 2: where ultimately we will all end up. 431 00:21:18,770 --> 00:21:21,510 Speaker 2: And he's one of the lucky ones cause he's got 432 00:21:21,510 --> 00:21:23,909 Speaker 2: to go early. The rest of us have to see 433 00:21:23,910 --> 00:21:26,890 Speaker 2: out a lifetime before we get to go there. And 434 00:21:26,890 --> 00:21:31,429 Speaker 2: he said, and where he's gone, it's timeless. So you're 435 00:21:31,430 --> 00:21:34,270 Speaker 2: sitting here thinking about him every second, every minute, but 436 00:21:34,270 --> 00:21:37,750 Speaker 2: where he's gone, time doesn't exist. So just in a moment, 437 00:21:37,790 --> 00:21:40,390 Speaker 2: he will turn around and you'll be there. And he'll 438 00:21:40,390 --> 00:21:43,260 Speaker 2: be like, Suzes, I I've got something to show you. 439 00:21:43,589 --> 00:21:45,800 Speaker 2: And it was just such a beautiful 440 00:21:46,449 --> 00:21:47,069 Speaker 2: Um, 441 00:21:48,030 --> 00:21:51,479 Speaker 2: I just needed something, I needed to know something about, 442 00:21:52,349 --> 00:21:54,829 Speaker 2: Where he'd gone, I needed something to believe in because 443 00:21:54,829 --> 00:21:59,229 Speaker 2: I I physically couldn't leave his side for fear that 444 00:21:59,589 --> 00:22:02,829 Speaker 2: I couldn't look after him anymore and so I think 445 00:22:02,829 --> 00:22:04,989 Speaker 2: in that moment I just felt like, 446 00:22:05,859 --> 00:22:07,310 Speaker 2: He's, he's OK. 447 00:22:27,300 --> 00:22:31,270 Speaker 2: I'd called my parents who were in Merimbula, so they 448 00:22:31,270 --> 00:22:33,420 Speaker 2: had to get back from Merimbula to Melbourne to fly 449 00:22:33,420 --> 00:22:36,349 Speaker 2: to Perth. Um, I had called my brother, him and 450 00:22:36,349 --> 00:22:38,510 Speaker 2: his wife got straight on a flight, got their kids 451 00:22:38,510 --> 00:22:40,750 Speaker 2: looked after and got straight straight on a flight. So 452 00:22:40,750 --> 00:22:44,188 Speaker 2: I had my best girlfriend arrive probably a day later. 453 00:22:45,140 --> 00:22:47,819 Speaker 2: Um, there were people there all the time, I know, 454 00:22:47,979 --> 00:22:51,859 Speaker 2: I remember mum trying to get me to eat, and 455 00:22:51,859 --> 00:22:54,780 Speaker 2: I remember not wanting to eat. I spent a lot 456 00:22:54,780 --> 00:22:58,369 Speaker 2: of time in Todd's hammock out on the back deck, um. 457 00:22:59,890 --> 00:23:01,649 Speaker 2: You know, I just, I don't know, it was all 458 00:23:01,650 --> 00:23:03,170 Speaker 2: a bit of a blur, I think I was just 459 00:23:03,170 --> 00:23:06,160 Speaker 2: in shock, we couldn't have his funeral until the 4th 460 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,189 Speaker 2: of May, um. 461 00:23:09,180 --> 00:23:14,139 Speaker 2: So, like longer than a week after he passed away, um, 462 00:23:14,459 --> 00:23:18,660 Speaker 2: the fire brigade were my lifeline at that point. They 463 00:23:18,660 --> 00:23:22,939 Speaker 2: were such an incredible group of people. There were fire 464 00:23:22,939 --> 00:23:27,489 Speaker 2: trucks pulling up outside my house from shifts that I had, 465 00:23:27,660 --> 00:23:31,209 Speaker 2: you know, that Todd hadn't worked on, to mow the lawns, 466 00:23:31,359 --> 00:23:33,530 Speaker 2: to clean out the gutters. 467 00:23:34,030 --> 00:23:40,079 Speaker 2: Um, they offered free counseling, um, they offered financial assistance 468 00:23:40,079 --> 00:23:43,239 Speaker 2: with the funeral, they were just amazing, and then the 469 00:23:43,239 --> 00:23:45,949 Speaker 2: funeral itself was, 470 00:23:46,810 --> 00:23:49,530 Speaker 2: Uh, just like something that you've seen on TV, it 471 00:23:49,530 --> 00:23:54,319 Speaker 2: was really quite overwhelming. So I was sitting in the car, um, 472 00:23:54,439 --> 00:23:57,488 Speaker 2: and the, in the hearse, and the coffin was in 473 00:23:57,489 --> 00:24:02,409 Speaker 2: the back. I remember pulling in to the crematorium. 474 00:24:03,369 --> 00:24:07,520 Speaker 2: And I just went, Holy shit, honey. I remember thinking, 475 00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:11,270 Speaker 2: who is on shift at the fire stations in WA today? Like, 476 00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:15,189 Speaker 2: I think everybody who wasn't on shift was at this funeral. 477 00:24:15,359 --> 00:24:18,640 Speaker 2: There was a guard of honor. It was just the 478 00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:23,859 Speaker 2: most incredible thing that I think I've ever seen. And, um, 479 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:27,430 Speaker 2: Todd was the first firefighter to pass away on shift, um, 480 00:24:27,959 --> 00:24:30,800 Speaker 2: for 30 years or something like that. So it was 481 00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:32,760 Speaker 2: a really significant, um, 482 00:24:33,449 --> 00:24:35,729 Speaker 2: Moment in time for the fire brigade, but it was 483 00:24:35,729 --> 00:24:39,250 Speaker 2: just such a beautiful celebration. 484 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:44,159 Speaker 2: Um, of him, I've never felt so, I knew how 485 00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:48,520 Speaker 2: incredible he was at his job, but I've never felt, 486 00:24:49,709 --> 00:24:52,389 Speaker 2: So proud of um. 487 00:24:53,270 --> 00:24:56,339 Speaker 2: Who he was and what he did every day, um, 488 00:24:56,390 --> 00:24:57,479 Speaker 2: in that moment. 489 00:25:02,189 --> 00:25:05,640 Speaker 1: Less than 3 weeks earlier, Suzie and Todd had stepped 490 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:10,040 Speaker 1: off the plane from their honeymoon. Now, at 30 years old, 491 00:25:10,300 --> 00:25:11,589 Speaker 1: Susie was a widow. 492 00:25:12,180 --> 00:25:16,500 Speaker 2: It was really fucking hard, you know, a funeral happens 493 00:25:16,500 --> 00:25:19,780 Speaker 2: and then everybody goes back to their normal lives. And 494 00:25:19,780 --> 00:25:22,899 Speaker 2: I was 30, you know, my, everybody was back in Melbourne, 495 00:25:22,939 --> 00:25:25,530 Speaker 2: I was still in Perth. My girlfriend didn't know what 496 00:25:26,060 --> 00:25:26,770 Speaker 2: to do. 497 00:25:27,619 --> 00:25:28,089 Speaker 2: Um, 498 00:25:29,770 --> 00:25:31,688 Speaker 2: You know, like there was just, it just felt, and 499 00:25:31,689 --> 00:25:33,530 Speaker 2: more so because I was in Perth, but it kind 500 00:25:33,530 --> 00:25:34,760 Speaker 2: of just felt like, 501 00:25:36,099 --> 00:25:39,699 Speaker 2: Everybody went back to their normal life and my world 502 00:25:39,699 --> 00:25:42,938 Speaker 2: was totally upended. I don't know how many nights I 503 00:25:42,939 --> 00:25:45,380 Speaker 2: got home and didn't turn on a light, and was 504 00:25:45,380 --> 00:25:48,939 Speaker 2: probably just sitting somewhere in the dark for, I don't 505 00:25:48,939 --> 00:25:52,500 Speaker 2: know how long. And it was just a process. Every 506 00:25:52,500 --> 00:25:54,530 Speaker 2: morning I'd wake up and I'd say, Get out of bed. 507 00:25:54,739 --> 00:25:55,899 Speaker 2: You just gotta get out of bed. 508 00:25:56,750 --> 00:25:59,260 Speaker 2: And then, uh, you just need to get into the shower. 509 00:25:59,709 --> 00:26:02,228 Speaker 2: And it was like one step by one step. And 510 00:26:02,229 --> 00:26:04,819 Speaker 2: then I remember this fear setting in. 511 00:26:06,050 --> 00:26:10,010 Speaker 2: I was probably I probably indulged it, um, indulged that 512 00:26:10,010 --> 00:26:13,170 Speaker 2: grief to its full extent for about a month where 513 00:26:13,170 --> 00:26:13,958 Speaker 2: I just, 514 00:26:15,089 --> 00:26:19,060 Speaker 2: Never answered the phone, um, you know, sat in the dark, 515 00:26:19,229 --> 00:26:23,510 Speaker 2: kind of that really predictable, kind of deep grief, and 516 00:26:23,510 --> 00:26:25,468 Speaker 2: then I remember just having this moment of fear and 517 00:26:25,469 --> 00:26:26,270 Speaker 2: I thought shit. 518 00:26:26,959 --> 00:26:32,900 Speaker 2: I'm 30, and this moment is gonna define me for 519 00:26:32,900 --> 00:26:34,139 Speaker 2: the rest of my life. 520 00:26:34,869 --> 00:26:38,679 Speaker 2: And I was petrified by that thought. Like, I was 521 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:44,208 Speaker 2: petrified by that being my story forever. And then in 522 00:26:44,209 --> 00:26:46,969 Speaker 2: that moment, I thought, I am going to feel this, 523 00:26:47,010 --> 00:26:50,129 Speaker 2: and I'm gonna feel every bit of this so that 524 00:26:50,130 --> 00:26:53,770 Speaker 2: I can come out the other side and be somewhat. 525 00:26:54,739 --> 00:26:59,380 Speaker 2: Normal, whatever that means now, but I can't, I can't 526 00:26:59,380 --> 00:27:02,419 Speaker 2: have this define me. I can't have my entire life 527 00:27:02,420 --> 00:27:05,449 Speaker 2: story be, your husband died when you were 30, after 528 00:27:05,449 --> 00:27:07,198 Speaker 2: 3 months, 4 months of marriage. 529 00:27:07,979 --> 00:27:11,020 Speaker 1: Over the next 12 months, Susie worked hard at mending 530 00:27:11,020 --> 00:27:14,300 Speaker 1: her head and her heart. She moved back to Melbourne 531 00:27:14,300 --> 00:27:17,780 Speaker 1: to escape the constant reminders and memories of Todd, but 532 00:27:17,780 --> 00:27:19,790 Speaker 1: things just didn't feel right. 533 00:27:20,260 --> 00:27:23,938 Speaker 2: I had hoped that coming back to Melbourne would give me, 534 00:27:25,060 --> 00:27:28,089 Speaker 2: A new start. And actually, I came back and I 535 00:27:28,089 --> 00:27:30,170 Speaker 2: just felt like I didn't fit in anymore, and I 536 00:27:30,170 --> 00:27:30,958 Speaker 2: felt like, 537 00:27:32,119 --> 00:27:36,129 Speaker 2: I'd left Todd and abandoned everything that was his life. 538 00:27:36,989 --> 00:27:40,420 Speaker 2: To come back to Melbourne and nothing looked familiar anymore. 539 00:27:40,589 --> 00:27:40,869 Speaker 1: It was 540 00:27:40,869 --> 00:27:43,599 Speaker 1: at that point, Susie found a new counselor. 541 00:27:44,229 --> 00:27:46,349 Speaker 2: So I started seeing a counselor. 542 00:27:47,290 --> 00:27:49,729 Speaker 2: Um, really frequently, um. 543 00:27:50,630 --> 00:27:51,400 Speaker 2: I 544 00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:57,469 Speaker 2: Worked really hard to process the relationship, um, I was 545 00:27:57,469 --> 00:28:01,349 Speaker 2: really afraid that I would never, that no-one would ever 546 00:28:01,349 --> 00:28:02,829 Speaker 2: live up to Todd again. 547 00:28:03,579 --> 00:28:06,349 Speaker 2: Um, and so I, I was really conscious that I 548 00:28:06,349 --> 00:28:10,188 Speaker 2: wanted to remember Todd, but every bit of Todd. So 549 00:28:10,189 --> 00:28:14,030 Speaker 2: the shit stuff as well, I don't think it's dramatic 550 00:28:14,030 --> 00:28:16,589 Speaker 2: to say she probably saved my life. And she said, 551 00:28:16,949 --> 00:28:18,589 Speaker 2: describe to me where you're at. And I said, 552 00:28:19,390 --> 00:28:19,939 Speaker 2: Um, 553 00:28:20,689 --> 00:28:22,920 Speaker 2: I I don't recognize where I am anymore, and it 554 00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:25,510 Speaker 2: feels like there's been a massive explosion, and there's just 555 00:28:25,510 --> 00:28:28,670 Speaker 2: rubble everywhere, and I'm up to my shoulders, and I 556 00:28:28,670 --> 00:28:31,239 Speaker 2: can't move. I can't move my legs. I can't move 557 00:28:31,239 --> 00:28:35,099 Speaker 2: my arms. There's nobody around that I can call out 558 00:28:35,099 --> 00:28:36,199 Speaker 2: to for help. 559 00:28:37,030 --> 00:28:39,479 Speaker 2: And I remember her saying to me, OK, well, week 560 00:28:39,479 --> 00:28:41,719 Speaker 2: by week, we're just gonna move some of that rubble 561 00:28:41,719 --> 00:28:44,079 Speaker 2: and we're gonna get you out of there. And 562 00:28:45,010 --> 00:28:46,520 Speaker 2: She was just. 563 00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:49,079 Speaker 2: She was amazing. 564 00:28:49,869 --> 00:28:52,109 Speaker 2: And hard on me when she needed to be hard 565 00:28:52,109 --> 00:28:55,510 Speaker 2: on me, but was constantly reminding myself to be kind 566 00:28:55,510 --> 00:28:57,150 Speaker 2: to myself, um. 567 00:28:58,500 --> 00:29:00,619 Speaker 2: Because I so desperately wanted to be better and I 568 00:29:00,619 --> 00:29:02,060 Speaker 2: so desperately wanted. 569 00:29:02,969 --> 00:29:05,569 Speaker 2: To kind of start to move forwards, but it's this 570 00:29:05,569 --> 00:29:08,800 Speaker 2: constant turmoil of, you know, I'm feeling good, I'm feeling good, 571 00:29:08,849 --> 00:29:12,810 Speaker 2: that was really funny, oh shit, my husband's dead, that's 572 00:29:12,810 --> 00:29:15,760 Speaker 2: not funny, nothing like that shouldn't be, why are you laughing? 573 00:29:16,369 --> 00:29:17,060 Speaker 2: You know, it was that, 574 00:29:17,760 --> 00:29:21,270 Speaker 2: That constant struggle for probably a year and a half 575 00:29:21,560 --> 00:29:26,640 Speaker 2: of feeling like, you know, recognizing that there's days that 576 00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:29,959 Speaker 2: it's not the first thing that you think of. It's 577 00:29:29,959 --> 00:29:31,910 Speaker 2: the 3rd or the 4th, but it's not the first thing. 578 00:29:31,979 --> 00:29:35,280 Speaker 2: And feeling really empowered by that, and then feeling really 579 00:29:35,280 --> 00:29:37,160 Speaker 2: guilty about that. 580 00:29:37,810 --> 00:29:42,050 Speaker 1: 18 months after Todd's death, Suzie's grief didn't end, but 581 00:29:42,050 --> 00:29:45,849 Speaker 1: it began to manifest in different ways, especially given there 582 00:29:45,849 --> 00:29:48,479 Speaker 1: was more devastating news to process. 583 00:29:48,729 --> 00:29:50,810 Speaker 2: After that year and a half, I kind of went 584 00:29:50,810 --> 00:29:53,290 Speaker 2: off the rails. So 3 months after Todd passed away, 585 00:29:53,369 --> 00:29:55,619 Speaker 2: my dad was diagnosed with melanoma cancer. 586 00:29:56,479 --> 00:29:59,699 Speaker 2: And given 3 months to live. So I was thinking, 587 00:29:59,989 --> 00:30:02,589 Speaker 2: I'm gonna lose my dad and my husband in the 588 00:30:02,589 --> 00:30:07,219 Speaker 2: same year. Luckily, we ended up getting another 2 years 589 00:30:07,510 --> 00:30:11,640 Speaker 2: with dad, but I think for that year and a half, 590 00:30:12,109 --> 00:30:15,270 Speaker 2: it was the grief of Todd, the 591 00:30:16,229 --> 00:30:19,780 Speaker 2: The palpable fear of having to grieve my dad and 592 00:30:19,780 --> 00:30:22,339 Speaker 2: not thinking that I can grieve somebody again, come out 593 00:30:22,339 --> 00:30:24,949 Speaker 2: and come out of it alive. You know, they talk 594 00:30:24,949 --> 00:30:29,140 Speaker 2: about those stages of change, and, you know, there's anger 595 00:30:29,140 --> 00:30:32,550 Speaker 2: and rejection and then acceptance and whatever they are. 596 00:30:33,390 --> 00:30:36,170 Speaker 2: And I definitely transitioned from a point of like grief 597 00:30:36,170 --> 00:30:39,439 Speaker 2: into a point of anger, and I just felt like, 598 00:30:39,969 --> 00:30:42,770 Speaker 2: fuck you for leaving, you didn't even hang on long 599 00:30:42,770 --> 00:30:44,729 Speaker 2: enough for me to see you in the hospital, for 600 00:30:44,729 --> 00:30:45,920 Speaker 2: me to say goodbye. 601 00:30:47,339 --> 00:30:49,359 Speaker 2: And now I've been left to deal with all of 602 00:30:49,359 --> 00:30:52,199 Speaker 2: this shit. My dad's sick. I haven't got you to 603 00:30:52,199 --> 00:30:54,238 Speaker 2: be by my side while I deal with this, so 604 00:30:54,239 --> 00:30:56,119 Speaker 2: I was just really angry, and 605 00:30:57,319 --> 00:31:00,719 Speaker 2: I just went out a lot, I went overseas and 606 00:31:00,719 --> 00:31:03,880 Speaker 2: just spent money on whatever I wanted to spend money on. 607 00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:06,910 Speaker 2: There was just absolutely no regard for anything in the future. 608 00:31:06,959 --> 00:31:08,160 Speaker 2: It was almost like, 609 00:31:09,050 --> 00:31:12,650 Speaker 2: I was just gonna do everything across this period of time, 610 00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:14,859 Speaker 2: I actually didn't give a shit what was coming in 611 00:31:14,859 --> 00:31:16,589 Speaker 2: the future, because I actually didn't have a lot of 612 00:31:16,589 --> 00:31:18,760 Speaker 2: hope for what was coming in the future, you know, 613 00:31:18,819 --> 00:31:19,609 Speaker 2: I felt like, 614 00:31:20,670 --> 00:31:23,709 Speaker 2: Almost my moment in the sun had passed, and now 615 00:31:23,709 --> 00:31:25,949 Speaker 2: I was just surviving to the point where I could 616 00:31:25,949 --> 00:31:27,579 Speaker 2: die to just be with Todd. 617 00:31:28,579 --> 00:31:30,560 Speaker 2: You know, I, that was the first time I was 618 00:31:30,560 --> 00:31:36,199 Speaker 2: with somebody else. Um, I picked the most inappropriate person 619 00:31:36,199 --> 00:31:40,040 Speaker 2: that I could possibly pick, um, who I knew Todd 620 00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:43,479 Speaker 2: would be like, What the fuck are you doing? I 621 00:31:43,479 --> 00:31:46,800 Speaker 2: loaned him money, like, whatever money I had, I loaned 622 00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:50,300 Speaker 2: it to him for his business with a kind of 623 00:31:50,300 --> 00:31:54,920 Speaker 2: half-baked contract to have it paid back. Um, I just 624 00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:56,719 Speaker 2: did everything that 625 00:31:56,920 --> 00:32:02,069 Speaker 2: Of my original self would never have done, um, and 626 00:32:02,069 --> 00:32:03,609 Speaker 2: all of it with the conscious thought that it would 627 00:32:03,609 --> 00:32:04,739 Speaker 2: really piss Todd off. 628 00:32:05,609 --> 00:32:08,849 Speaker 1: But Todd wasn't pissed off. No, not because he wasn't 629 00:32:08,849 --> 00:32:12,890 Speaker 1: there anymore. She knew he wasn't. You see, Suzie's friend 630 00:32:12,890 --> 00:32:16,439 Speaker 1: Kate had received an interesting call from her friend, Chris, 631 00:32:16,689 --> 00:32:18,520 Speaker 1: who happened to be a medium. 632 00:32:18,969 --> 00:32:23,369 Speaker 2: Kate called me out of the blue. She's like, Hey, Chris, um, 633 00:32:23,859 --> 00:32:26,969 Speaker 2: has said that Todd has been coming to him, and 634 00:32:26,969 --> 00:32:28,099 Speaker 2: he has a message for you. 635 00:32:29,349 --> 00:32:31,270 Speaker 2: And he didn't want to call you because he knows 636 00:32:31,270 --> 00:32:32,819 Speaker 2: that you might be at a point where you don't 637 00:32:33,430 --> 00:32:36,790 Speaker 2: want you, you're ready to move on, but, if you're 638 00:32:36,790 --> 00:32:39,270 Speaker 2: interested in hearing from him, he, he's happy to see you. 639 00:32:39,390 --> 00:32:41,390 Speaker 2: So of course, I said of course. So he came 640 00:32:41,390 --> 00:32:42,579 Speaker 2: around that weekend and, 641 00:32:43,739 --> 00:32:46,270 Speaker 2: You know, he was like, Oh, Todd, calm down. It's like, 642 00:32:46,300 --> 00:32:48,689 Speaker 2: he's like an excited puppy, which was very Todd. Like, 643 00:32:48,699 --> 00:32:50,738 Speaker 2: Todd would be like up and about, and be like, Oh, hey, hey, 644 00:32:50,780 --> 00:32:52,738 Speaker 2: and get really excited about things. He's like, Mate, and 645 00:32:52,739 --> 00:32:54,810 Speaker 2: you need to calm down. I can't understand what you're, like, 646 00:32:54,819 --> 00:32:56,660 Speaker 2: what you're trying to communicate. He's like, it's just this 647 00:32:56,660 --> 00:33:00,459 Speaker 2: really high energy, and it's hard to decipher what he's 648 00:33:00,459 --> 00:33:03,020 Speaker 2: wanting to communicate. So then he said a few things. 649 00:33:03,099 --> 00:33:06,060 Speaker 2: I'm really proud of you, blah, blah, blah. You've done this, 650 00:33:06,089 --> 00:33:06,660 Speaker 2: you've done that. 651 00:33:07,069 --> 00:33:09,400 Speaker 2: And he said, oh, he's not saying specifically what he's 652 00:33:09,400 --> 00:33:11,510 Speaker 2: referring to, but he's saying you're not to feel guilty. 653 00:33:11,630 --> 00:33:13,439 Speaker 2: He's not telling me about what, but he's saying you're 654 00:33:13,439 --> 00:33:14,290 Speaker 2: not to feel guilty. 655 00:33:15,359 --> 00:33:17,449 Speaker 2: So then he said to me, um, 656 00:33:18,939 --> 00:33:22,400 Speaker 2: He stopped communicating with me, but his energy is still 657 00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:25,400 Speaker 2: quite high. He said, it's almost like a battery on 658 00:33:25,400 --> 00:33:27,439 Speaker 2: a phone and you can see it going down when 659 00:33:27,439 --> 00:33:30,119 Speaker 2: they're finished, but his levels are quite high, so he said, 660 00:33:30,199 --> 00:33:32,099 Speaker 2: I feel like he's just gonna probably stay around for 661 00:33:32,099 --> 00:33:35,170 Speaker 2: a little while, but he's not communicating anything with me anymore. 662 00:33:35,439 --> 00:33:36,400 Speaker 2: So he left. 663 00:33:37,069 --> 00:33:39,939 Speaker 2: And I was in my apartment in Elwood, and I 664 00:33:40,500 --> 00:33:44,900 Speaker 2: felt really uncomfortable. I felt almost like this heavy weight 665 00:33:44,900 --> 00:33:47,699 Speaker 2: on me. I felt really uncomfortable. So I grabbed my 666 00:33:47,699 --> 00:33:50,219 Speaker 2: keys and my bag, and I walked out of the 667 00:33:50,219 --> 00:33:52,260 Speaker 2: apartment and I went down into the basement to get 668 00:33:52,260 --> 00:33:53,060 Speaker 2: into my car. 669 00:33:53,939 --> 00:33:55,979 Speaker 2: Got into my car and was driving it up the 670 00:33:55,979 --> 00:33:58,619 Speaker 2: ramp to go out and was waiting for the gate 671 00:33:58,619 --> 00:34:02,660 Speaker 2: to open. And I looked over and I could almost 672 00:34:02,660 --> 00:34:05,609 Speaker 2: see him sitting in the passenger seat, and he had 673 00:34:05,609 --> 00:34:08,189 Speaker 2: this kind of like, this smirk on his face, and 674 00:34:08,189 --> 00:34:10,620 Speaker 2: he had his like elbow cocked up, and it was 675 00:34:10,620 --> 00:34:13,209 Speaker 2: almost like he was saying, Oh, where are we going? Like, 676 00:34:13,219 --> 00:34:14,979 Speaker 2: you think that I'm not gonna come with you out 677 00:34:14,979 --> 00:34:17,658 Speaker 2: of the, like, you think you're gonna shake me? And 678 00:34:18,209 --> 00:34:20,709 Speaker 2: I just, it was just such a beautiful feeling, and 679 00:34:20,709 --> 00:34:23,070 Speaker 2: I drove around for about half an hour, and then 680 00:34:23,070 --> 00:34:25,759 Speaker 2: it just went, and I just turned around and I 681 00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:29,909 Speaker 2: drove home. And that was the only time that I've physically. 682 00:34:31,310 --> 00:34:37,149 Speaker 2: Felt him and almost could visualize him in his entirety, 683 00:34:37,229 --> 00:34:39,139 Speaker 2: just sitting there in the passenger seat next to me 684 00:34:39,139 --> 00:34:41,540 Speaker 2: and it was just, it was incredible. 685 00:34:41,750 --> 00:34:42,000 Speaker 1: With a 686 00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:46,029 Speaker 1: renewed sense of peace and purpose, Susie started to turn 687 00:34:46,030 --> 00:34:46,620 Speaker 1: a corner. 688 00:34:47,610 --> 00:34:49,360 Speaker 2: I knew what was gonna happen with dad and I 689 00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:52,360 Speaker 2: knew that um I wanted to be there for him 690 00:34:52,360 --> 00:34:54,729 Speaker 2: and I wanted to be there for my family. 691 00:34:55,428 --> 00:34:58,559 Speaker 2: Um, and I was scared. You know, I was really 692 00:34:58,559 --> 00:35:02,039 Speaker 2: scared that actually, um, like it was just, it was, 693 00:35:02,158 --> 00:35:04,868 Speaker 2: it was a moment where I just had to reflect 694 00:35:04,868 --> 00:35:08,678 Speaker 2: and work out what was important and work out what 695 00:35:08,678 --> 00:35:11,529 Speaker 2: I needed to do to equip myself to get through 696 00:35:11,529 --> 00:35:13,089 Speaker 2: this next stage, which 697 00:35:13,959 --> 00:35:15,520 Speaker 2: I would, I, I think I would have said at 698 00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:20,469 Speaker 2: that point, I, I, like, there is a 50% chance 699 00:35:21,280 --> 00:35:24,759 Speaker 2: that I won't be around for much longer than dad. Like, 700 00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:30,219 Speaker 2: if I, if, if Dad's death takes me into the 701 00:35:30,219 --> 00:35:32,560 Speaker 2: hole that Todd's death took me, I won't come out 702 00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:34,919 Speaker 2: of that a second time. It's too deep and it's 703 00:35:34,919 --> 00:35:35,520 Speaker 2: too dark. 704 00:35:36,439 --> 00:35:36,908 Speaker 2: Um, 705 00:35:38,179 --> 00:35:40,649 Speaker 2: So yeah, I think that just kind of straightened me out. 706 00:35:41,399 --> 00:35:44,459 Speaker 2: I think it was just starting to um. 707 00:35:45,489 --> 00:35:48,840 Speaker 2: Have a healthier approach, you know, I had to, I, 708 00:35:48,850 --> 00:35:52,409 Speaker 2: I took the leap with dating again and I did it, um, 709 00:35:53,270 --> 00:35:55,189 Speaker 2: I think I did that in like, it was a 710 00:35:55,189 --> 00:35:58,429 Speaker 2: different world, right, suddenly you've got online dating and so 711 00:35:58,429 --> 00:35:59,339 Speaker 2: you can kind of, 712 00:36:00,610 --> 00:36:02,709 Speaker 2: It's good in a way because you can start to 713 00:36:02,709 --> 00:36:04,629 Speaker 2: put your foot back in the water without actually having 714 00:36:04,629 --> 00:36:06,909 Speaker 2: to have a conversation with anybody. It was a really 715 00:36:06,909 --> 00:36:11,610 Speaker 2: easy way back in. I had some really lovely relationships, um, 716 00:36:11,790 --> 00:36:14,449 Speaker 2: you know, anywhere up to kind of 6 months over 717 00:36:14,449 --> 00:36:15,620 Speaker 2: the following years. 718 00:36:16,449 --> 00:36:16,939 Speaker 2: Um, 719 00:36:17,979 --> 00:36:21,820 Speaker 2: And, and learned that I could feel again and that 720 00:36:21,820 --> 00:36:26,060 Speaker 2: I could commit to a relationship again and um. 721 00:36:27,620 --> 00:36:33,439 Speaker 2: And I guess, realized that I wasn't going to carry 722 00:36:33,739 --> 00:36:36,699 Speaker 2: that grief into my future relationships. 723 00:36:37,459 --> 00:36:39,870 Speaker 2: Um, which had been a fear for me. Todd and 724 00:36:39,870 --> 00:36:42,189 Speaker 2: I had been trying to have kids, so, um, 6 725 00:36:42,189 --> 00:36:45,790 Speaker 2: months before we got married, we actively started trying to 726 00:36:45,790 --> 00:36:46,540 Speaker 2: have kids. 727 00:36:47,429 --> 00:36:51,879 Speaker 2: And obviously, that didn't happen for us, but in my mind, that's, 728 00:36:52,250 --> 00:36:54,409 Speaker 2: that's where I was at, you know, like, that's what 729 00:36:54,409 --> 00:36:56,810 Speaker 2: I was ready for in my life. That's what I 730 00:36:56,810 --> 00:36:58,080 Speaker 2: thought I was preparing for. 731 00:36:58,330 --> 00:37:02,330 Speaker 1: The thing was, finding someone who fits Susie's criteria was 732 00:37:02,330 --> 00:37:03,129 Speaker 1: proving pretty 733 00:37:03,129 --> 00:37:03,759 Speaker 1: difficult. 734 00:37:03,929 --> 00:37:06,090 Speaker 2: Like, I was almost approaching it as if it was 735 00:37:06,090 --> 00:37:09,169 Speaker 2: a bit of a, you know, business venture. Immediately, it 736 00:37:09,169 --> 00:37:14,520 Speaker 2: was like the scan, the scan of them, like, age, um, 737 00:37:14,850 --> 00:37:15,459 Speaker 2: you know. 738 00:37:16,610 --> 00:37:20,840 Speaker 2: Security in terms of, you know, financial security, emotional security, 739 00:37:21,090 --> 00:37:24,320 Speaker 2: are they ready to have children, do they already have children, 740 00:37:24,449 --> 00:37:26,429 Speaker 2: and I just feel like, there were probably a number 741 00:37:26,429 --> 00:37:28,959 Speaker 2: of really lovely guys that I dated who I, 742 00:37:30,310 --> 00:37:32,388 Speaker 2: Just got rid of because I didn't feel like they 743 00:37:32,389 --> 00:37:35,580 Speaker 2: were going to be the father of my child. When really, 744 00:37:35,949 --> 00:37:39,149 Speaker 2: I don't think anybody at that point would have fit 745 00:37:39,149 --> 00:37:43,219 Speaker 2: the bill, because I think what my, what my image 746 00:37:43,219 --> 00:37:47,149 Speaker 2: and what my vision of that was had been with Todd. 747 00:37:47,229 --> 00:37:49,468 Speaker 2: But ultimately, for me, I got to the point where 748 00:37:49,469 --> 00:37:53,029 Speaker 2: the child thing became bigger than the dating thing. 749 00:37:53,520 --> 00:37:55,649 Speaker 2: Um, and so I made a decision to have a 750 00:37:55,649 --> 00:38:00,089 Speaker 2: baby by myself, um, because that for me at that time, 751 00:38:01,379 --> 00:38:03,580 Speaker 2: My rationale was, I don't, I don't believe I'm going 752 00:38:03,580 --> 00:38:06,300 Speaker 2: to die alone. I think that I will meet somebody 753 00:38:06,300 --> 00:38:07,979 Speaker 2: and I think that I will end up having a 754 00:38:07,979 --> 00:38:11,299 Speaker 2: great relationship with somebody, but I just didn't have faith 755 00:38:11,300 --> 00:38:13,339 Speaker 2: that that would happen for me, um. 756 00:38:14,169 --> 00:38:15,360 Speaker 2: In time to have a baby? 757 00:38:16,439 --> 00:38:20,120 Speaker 2: Uh, and that was important to me. I just couldn't 758 00:38:20,120 --> 00:38:23,678 Speaker 2: see what my purpose was, if I didn't have a baby. 759 00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:27,120 Speaker 2: That was just for me, that was the, the driving force. 760 00:38:27,199 --> 00:38:28,800 Speaker 2: I always thought that I was going to be a mom. 761 00:38:29,649 --> 00:38:32,639 Speaker 2: Um, and so I, yeah, so that kind of became 762 00:38:32,639 --> 00:38:40,089 Speaker 2: the focus in 2015. Um, I made that decision, so 763 00:38:40,340 --> 00:38:42,899 Speaker 2: I kind of stepped away from dating for a little 764 00:38:42,899 --> 00:38:44,459 Speaker 2: while in order to make that 765 00:38:44,459 --> 00:38:44,979 Speaker 2: happen. 766 00:38:45,419 --> 00:38:48,659 Speaker 1: So after careful consideration and with the full support of 767 00:38:48,659 --> 00:38:53,320 Speaker 1: her family and friends, Suzie made the decision to try IVF. 768 00:38:53,820 --> 00:38:56,689 Speaker 2: I just got lucky. The first, uh, I picked my 769 00:38:57,070 --> 00:38:58,069 Speaker 2: anonymous donor. 770 00:38:58,649 --> 00:39:04,969 Speaker 2: And um first embryo that we transferred took, and little 771 00:39:04,969 --> 00:39:09,009 Speaker 2: Teddy came about, it was emotional because I think in 772 00:39:09,010 --> 00:39:11,560 Speaker 2: those moments, it becomes, 773 00:39:13,350 --> 00:39:17,779 Speaker 2: Really obvious that you're doing it alone and it's not 774 00:39:17,780 --> 00:39:20,219 Speaker 2: the way it's meant to be, um. 775 00:39:21,620 --> 00:39:25,669 Speaker 2: But I think I had already reconciled that in my head, 776 00:39:25,679 --> 00:39:28,350 Speaker 2: and I think I was empowered by the situation. I 777 00:39:28,350 --> 00:39:32,540 Speaker 2: kind of, you know, got this false sense of power, like, 778 00:39:32,550 --> 00:39:35,110 Speaker 2: you can do this, you know, this is, and I 779 00:39:35,110 --> 00:39:37,310 Speaker 2: remember every time I'd tell somebody and they'd kind of 780 00:39:37,310 --> 00:39:40,029 Speaker 2: be a bit surprised by it. I kind of liked that. 781 00:39:40,149 --> 00:39:42,609 Speaker 2: I was like, yeah, you know, I'm just breaking the mold, 782 00:39:42,830 --> 00:39:46,350 Speaker 2: let's do this. And I felt like there had been 783 00:39:46,350 --> 00:39:49,179 Speaker 2: so much that had happened that I had been totally, 784 00:39:50,340 --> 00:39:53,540 Speaker 2: Not in control of, and this was a moment that 785 00:39:53,540 --> 00:39:56,780 Speaker 2: I was taking control back, I didn't choose to lose Todd. 786 00:39:58,590 --> 00:40:01,139 Speaker 2: In an ideal world, I would be doing this with him, 787 00:40:01,429 --> 00:40:04,870 Speaker 2: but the universe decided that wasn't my journey, and I 788 00:40:04,870 --> 00:40:07,509 Speaker 2: can control this, and I'm dictating to the universe that 789 00:40:07,510 --> 00:40:09,629 Speaker 2: this part is my journey and this is how it's 790 00:40:09,629 --> 00:40:12,469 Speaker 2: gonna look. And so I found that really empowering. 791 00:40:13,709 --> 00:40:16,820 Speaker 2: In these recent years, or you know, in the last 792 00:40:16,820 --> 00:40:17,979 Speaker 2: 10 years, 793 00:40:18,929 --> 00:40:20,120 Speaker 2: Life has taken. 794 00:40:21,110 --> 00:40:24,550 Speaker 2: Such an incredible deviation from where I thought it would go. 795 00:40:25,510 --> 00:40:29,209 Speaker 2: And at times I felt utterly lost and like I 796 00:40:29,209 --> 00:40:33,729 Speaker 2: would never find that path again. But actually now I 797 00:40:33,729 --> 00:40:35,759 Speaker 2: realized that was the path I always had to walk 798 00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:38,209 Speaker 2: to get to where I am now, where I need 799 00:40:38,209 --> 00:40:40,569 Speaker 2: to be and that's to be a mum to Ted. 800 00:40:41,439 --> 00:40:41,908 Speaker 2: Um, 801 00:40:42,870 --> 00:40:44,229 Speaker 2: And so it is just, 802 00:40:45,439 --> 00:40:48,360 Speaker 2: Really now, and I'm not, I'm not going to lie 803 00:40:48,360 --> 00:40:51,040 Speaker 2: and say that there's not moments where I think, fuck. 804 00:40:52,020 --> 00:40:54,520 Speaker 2: You know, why did, why did that all have to 805 00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:57,000 Speaker 2: happen to me, you know, I wish beyond anything that 806 00:40:57,000 --> 00:41:03,029 Speaker 2: Todd could still be here, but I also just feel grateful. 807 00:41:04,949 --> 00:41:09,580 Speaker 2: And I guess I just have faith in the process and, 808 00:41:10,719 --> 00:41:13,030 Speaker 2: I'm at a point now where I have a 315 809 00:41:13,030 --> 00:41:14,760 Speaker 2: year old who's just. 810 00:41:15,750 --> 00:41:21,389 Speaker 2: You know, who's this absolute beautiful spirit, who I'm raising 811 00:41:21,389 --> 00:41:23,250 Speaker 2: in a way that I think Todd would be really 812 00:41:23,250 --> 00:41:25,820 Speaker 2: proud of, and so I feel like Todd is still, 813 00:41:26,629 --> 00:41:30,139 Speaker 2: In our lives in a really organic way, 814 00:41:30,429 --> 00:41:30,550 Speaker 1: and 815 00:41:30,550 --> 00:41:33,629 Speaker 1: as for finding that special adult someone to share her 816 00:41:33,629 --> 00:41:37,250 Speaker 1: life with, well, Suzie certainly hasn't ruled it out. 817 00:41:37,909 --> 00:41:41,739 Speaker 2: Yeah, so I'm really optimistic about love. I think, um, 818 00:41:41,949 --> 00:41:45,750 Speaker 2: I'm realistic that at the moment, I have a 3.5 819 00:41:45,750 --> 00:41:49,909 Speaker 2: year old who is a handful, um, and I'm really 820 00:41:49,909 --> 00:41:52,629 Speaker 2: protective of our time, so I think it will be 821 00:41:52,629 --> 00:41:55,350 Speaker 2: a pretty incredible person at this point in my life who, 822 00:41:55,719 --> 00:41:59,870 Speaker 2: Um, has the patience to date me because I'm not 823 00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:03,629 Speaker 2: overly available at the moment, and I'm OK with that. 824 00:42:04,120 --> 00:42:05,799 Speaker 2: And I think ultimately what I want for me and 825 00:42:05,800 --> 00:42:08,919 Speaker 2: what I want for him is to have somebody back 826 00:42:08,919 --> 00:42:10,899 Speaker 2: in my life. And I want him to have some, 827 00:42:11,199 --> 00:42:14,040 Speaker 2: you know, a, a male person in his life that 828 00:42:14,040 --> 00:42:17,169 Speaker 2: he can look up to and, and go to for 829 00:42:17,679 --> 00:42:19,439 Speaker 2: anything he doesn't want to come to me, which should 830 00:42:19,439 --> 00:42:24,729 Speaker 2: be nothing. Um, so, yeah, I like, I've never 831 00:42:25,389 --> 00:42:27,870 Speaker 2: Being afraid of ending up alone, I just don't think 832 00:42:27,870 --> 00:42:29,540 Speaker 2: that's going to be my journey. 833 00:42:30,239 --> 00:42:32,110 Speaker 1: In what can only be described as one of the 834 00:42:32,110 --> 00:42:37,560 Speaker 1: most traumatic experiences anyone can ever experience, 10 years after 835 00:42:37,560 --> 00:42:41,389 Speaker 1: Todd's death, Susie's reflection on what helped her through is 836 00:42:41,389 --> 00:42:43,620 Speaker 1: filled with wisdom and vulnerability. 837 00:42:44,469 --> 00:42:49,350 Speaker 2: The biggest thing is time, and people I know people 838 00:42:49,350 --> 00:42:52,090 Speaker 2: say it every time somebody dies, they're like, only time heals. 839 00:42:52,590 --> 00:42:56,659 Speaker 2: It's so true though, and I think I only realized 840 00:42:56,659 --> 00:42:59,750 Speaker 2: that when I had, when I realized that I had transitioned. 841 00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:03,310 Speaker 2: From feeling really sad about Todd to feeling really grateful 842 00:43:03,310 --> 00:43:07,560 Speaker 2: for Todd, and the only thing that enabled that transition 843 00:43:07,560 --> 00:43:10,760 Speaker 2: was time. At this point in my life, I've reconciled 844 00:43:10,760 --> 00:43:12,370 Speaker 2: in my head that Todd was always going to pass 845 00:43:12,370 --> 00:43:14,799 Speaker 2: away at 36. If that was always going to be 846 00:43:14,800 --> 00:43:15,589 Speaker 2: the case, 847 00:43:16,570 --> 00:43:20,370 Speaker 2: Then the way it happened was the way I, I'm, I'm, I'm, 848 00:43:20,649 --> 00:43:23,850 Speaker 2: I'm OK with the way it happened, because I don't 849 00:43:23,850 --> 00:43:26,549 Speaker 2: think that there would have been any suffering. Yeah, I mean, 850 00:43:26,850 --> 00:43:29,689 Speaker 2: no doubt I'm damaged. No doubt. I'm not saying that 851 00:43:29,689 --> 00:43:32,320 Speaker 2: I've come out here and it's 10 years down the track, 852 00:43:32,689 --> 00:43:35,409 Speaker 2: and I've processed it, and I'm, you know, healthy and 853 00:43:35,409 --> 00:43:39,888 Speaker 2: I'm moving forward. I'm absolutely damaged by his passing. 854 00:43:40,669 --> 00:43:43,500 Speaker 2: And I will forever be changed by it. You know, 855 00:43:43,659 --> 00:43:46,610 Speaker 2: there's definitely a wall up that probably wasn't there before, 856 00:43:46,699 --> 00:43:48,419 Speaker 2: but I just try to be really honest with that. 857 00:43:48,500 --> 00:43:50,139 Speaker 2: I don't blame that on Todd. I don't blame that 858 00:43:50,139 --> 00:43:53,198 Speaker 2: on those circumstances. And that's hard when every day feels 859 00:43:53,199 --> 00:43:56,939 Speaker 2: like it lasts an eternity, but it's time, and one 860 00:43:56,939 --> 00:44:00,679 Speaker 2: day you'll look back and you'll think, I'm like, I'm 861 00:44:00,679 --> 00:44:03,719 Speaker 2: a bit of a ledge. Like, I've come through this, and, 862 00:44:04,379 --> 00:44:06,609 Speaker 2: you know, and it's empowering because if I can deal 863 00:44:06,610 --> 00:44:08,489 Speaker 2: with that and I can survive that. 864 00:44:09,030 --> 00:44:11,810 Speaker 2: And I can have a like a healthy positive outlook 865 00:44:11,810 --> 00:44:13,360 Speaker 2: on life, then I feel like, 866 00:44:14,370 --> 00:44:17,810 Speaker 2: There's not much that I can't deal with now. 867 00:44:19,370 --> 00:44:21,689 Speaker 2: So, you know, I guess that's the silver lining. 868 00:44:31,909 --> 00:44:34,989 Speaker 1: Everyone Has an X is written and narrated by me, 869 00:44:35,129 --> 00:44:39,750 Speaker 1: Georgia Love, produced by Linda Scott and edited by Matt Sofo. 870 00:44:41,340 --> 00:44:43,979 Speaker 1: We will be back for season 2. So if you've 871 00:44:43,979 --> 00:44:49,949 Speaker 1: got a story for us, send it to us at everyonehasanex@mintymedia.com.au. 872 00:44:50,280 --> 00:44:54,299 Speaker 1: That's M I N T Y Media.com.au, and follow us 873 00:44:54,300 --> 00:44:58,979 Speaker 1: on Instagram at at everyonehasanex. Thank you for listening. If 874 00:44:58,979 --> 00:45:02,169 Speaker 1: you've loved season one, don't forget to subscribe, give us 875 00:45:02,169 --> 00:45:05,500 Speaker 1: 5 stars, and leave us some feedback. I promise we 876 00:45:05,500 --> 00:45:06,899 Speaker 1: read every single one.