Speaker 1: You're listening to a Mother Me podcast, Muma Me your
Speaker 1: acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and waters. This
Speaker 1: podcast is recorded on Patterns are what keepers grounded, the
Speaker 1: familiar rhythms that shape our routines and relationships. When they're good,
Speaker 1: they bring comfort, joy in a sense of home, and honestly,
Speaker 1: you just can't get enough of them.
Speaker 2: We were going on dates and eating out every couple
Speaker 2: of nights. We were hanging out with all of my friends.
Speaker 2: He was continuously buying me flowers, sending me flowers to
Speaker 2: my work. He would take me to gigs and to
Speaker 2: the movies, and we were absolutely just obsessed with each other.
Speaker 1: But the thing about patterns is not all of them
Speaker 1: are good. Some sneak up on you, starting small, barely
Speaker 1: noticeable at first, Then before you realize it, they've taken hold,
Speaker 1: and suddenly your whole life can feel like it's been
Speaker 1: turned upside down.
Speaker 2: I remember the moment he got home. We were fighting.
Speaker 2: He was instantly getting aggressive. He'd moved all his belongings
Speaker 2: out of our bedroom into the room downstairs, the spare room,
Speaker 2: and it was like there were two separate people living
Speaker 2: in the house.
Speaker 1: When I got home, I'm Georgia Love and this is
Speaker 1: everyone has an ex Come with me as we dive
Speaker 1: into a collection of unconventional stories about relationships past through
Speaker 1: the eyes and the hearts of the very people who
Speaker 1: lived them. Meet Kate, self proclaimed perpetually single and perfectly
Speaker 1: fine with it at the ohso wise age of twenty two,
Speaker 1: she wasn't exactly out there searching for the one. But
Speaker 1: dear listener, we both know what happens next. A casual
Speaker 1: scroll one night, and boom, a guy slides into a DMS.
Speaker 2: His name was Ben. I was very happy on my own,
Speaker 2: very happy at living with my cat. I was definitely
Speaker 2: in my just single girl era and really comfortable and independent.
Speaker 2: I had a really great, stable job and really really
Speaker 2: supportive large friendship circles. So for me, I was always
Speaker 2: the one that would be the person that's third wheeling
Speaker 2: or fifth Wheeling or organizing the Taco Tuesdays, and wasn't
Speaker 2: really searching for a relationship at that point in my life.
Speaker 2: I think I'd been on dating apps a couple of
Speaker 2: times and not really had much success. I don't think
Speaker 2: I'd ever even been on a real first date at
Speaker 2: that point. So when Ben slid into my DMS. I
Speaker 2: was really nicely surprised. I didn't know who he was.
Speaker 2: I actually thought he could be a catfish because he
Speaker 2: didn't have his first name in his profile at all.
Speaker 2: It wasn't in his bio, it wasn't in his username.
Speaker 2: I just had a couple of mutual followers with him.
Speaker 2: He actually DM me asking who my secret Sanna was
Speaker 2: and how many I had. I think I'd posted that
Speaker 2: it was Christmas time at work and I was doing
Speaker 2: Secret Sander with my team, and he replied to my story,
Speaker 2: I believe. And I remember just striking up the conversation
Speaker 2: with him, asking my friend, Hey, who is this guy?
Speaker 2: Is he a catfish? Is he even real? And she said, oh,
Speaker 2: I know him from work. He's cute, he's very nice.
Speaker 2: You should speak to him. And I remember, as that
Speaker 2: day progressed, we had some banter. He was at his
Speaker 2: work Christmas party that evening and he asked me what
Speaker 2: I was doing. I said, I'm watching Gilmore Girls, and
Speaker 2: I remember he made a joke about loving Lorelei or
Speaker 2: something like that, and then he said he wanted to
Speaker 2: come and watch Gilmore Girls with me, and me being
Speaker 2: in my single era, I thought, you know what, my
Speaker 2: friend has cleared the fact that he's real. I'll just
Speaker 2: let him come over. He did come over, and he
Speaker 2: had had a little bit to drink, but not too much,
Speaker 2: and I remember we just sat on my couch and
Speaker 2: talked for hours. One thing led to another, and I
Speaker 2: remember he stayed over the next morning. He was really
Speaker 2: really sweet. We were intimate again, and he was very complimentary.
Speaker 2: He made me breakfast in my own kitchen, and he
Speaker 2: realized that I was vegetarian and he was vegan, and
Speaker 2: we were really excited about that, as not many people
Speaker 2: we knew were at the time, and it all just
Speaker 2: kind of started from there. He messaged me, I think
Speaker 2: maybe an hour or two after he left my house
Speaker 2: to go. He had a second job on the weekends
Speaker 2: in retail, and he messaged me an hour or two
Speaker 2: after he left, saying how adorable he thought I was,
Speaker 2: and how I had a cute cat, and he wanted
Speaker 2: to see me again. Anyway. I was buzzing. I had
Speaker 2: a little crush immediately. He was really tall and tattooed,
Speaker 2: very fit as well, and so funny. I could just
Speaker 2: tell the moment I met him that he was really charismatic,
Speaker 2: really funny, and really easy to talk to, so I
Speaker 2: instantly also wanted to see him again. I remember I
Speaker 2: went to lunch with my friends that day and I
Speaker 2: was telling them all about him, and they said, this
Speaker 2: is so cute. We've never seen me like this about
Speaker 2: a man. So I was very, very excited when that
Speaker 2: night I was going out clubbing and he said, I'll
Speaker 2: come meet up with you, and the rest is kind
Speaker 2: of history. We were inseparable from there. He came home
Speaker 2: with me again that night. I remember he was buying
Speaker 2: my friend's drinks and then McDonald's on the way home.
Speaker 2: The next day, he stayed over. I think we spent
Speaker 2: the day together and then we just could not stop talking.
Speaker 2: It all happened really, really quickly. He was twenty five
Speaker 2: at the time when I met him, about to turn
Speaker 2: twenty six in a few weeks, and I think he
Speaker 2: basically stayed over at my house every day, and he
Speaker 2: took me on my first proper date. We went and
Speaker 2: had vegan food, he bought us margaritas, and we were
Speaker 2: playing Truth or Dare, and one thing led to another
Speaker 2: and he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I
Speaker 2: said yes. I was so excited, and things had moved
Speaker 2: really quickly. I think it had been four weeks at
Speaker 2: that point, and he said to me, I think I
Speaker 2: love you, and I remember just sitting there and being
Speaker 2: in complete shock that it was happening so quickly, and
Speaker 2: I said to him, I can't say it back yet.
Speaker 2: This is a really big deal for me. I've never
Speaker 2: said I love you.
Speaker 1: At this point, these stirred up memories of a ghost
Speaker 1: of a situation ship past. His name was Jake.
Speaker 2: My previous dating experience had been limited to a bit
Speaker 2: of a situation ship that was on and off from
Speaker 2: when I was seventeen for three years. And with that situationship,
Speaker 2: we would go from friends to friends with benefits to
Speaker 2: him blocking me and being quite abusive. So I'd never
Speaker 2: actually said I love you to any man before, and
Speaker 2: he had left me with a fair bit of PTSD
Speaker 2: and trauma off the back of that three year period
Speaker 2: where it was so up and down and so heightened.
Speaker 2: I mean I was, yeah, seventeen, he was eighteen, and
Speaker 2: it was so messy and so dramatic, and I remember
Speaker 2: it was just the darkest period of my life on
Speaker 2: and off at a really really young age. I learnt
Speaker 2: how cruel men could be, and he had left me
Speaker 2: feeling really untrusting towards men. And even though I wasn't
Speaker 2: in an official relationship with my ex situationship, he had
Speaker 2: really left this kind of mark on me where I
Speaker 2: just didn't feel lovable. I felt really confident in myself
Speaker 2: as a person and as a friend, but romantically I
Speaker 2: didn't feel worthy of love. And so when I met
Speaker 2: Ben and he was everything that my ex situationship wasn't,
Speaker 2: that was a real turning point for me and the
Speaker 2: way I approached love, I guess and romance. Our relationship
Speaker 2: was very physical from the start, and we were definitely
Speaker 2: really compatible in the bedroom. I remember teaching him some
Speaker 2: new things, and he was a little bit shy. I
Speaker 2: think because he'd been in relationship since he was in
Speaker 2: high school. He hadn't really found his feet in that area,
Speaker 2: so I guess it was really nice to teach him things.
Speaker 2: He would absolutely spoil me as well from the moment
Speaker 2: we started kind of seeing each other, and in those
Speaker 2: early days, he would bring me flowers all the time,
Speaker 2: little sweet treats. He would show up after work at
Speaker 2: my work with, yeah, a bouquet of flowers or a
Speaker 2: little gift that he'd thought of me, and would be
Speaker 2: there whenever I finished work. He was just always there,
Speaker 2: ready to hang out. So yeah, pretty much inseparable from
Speaker 2: day one. I think he was just so charismatic. He
Speaker 2: knew how to just lie up a room. He made
Speaker 2: everyone feel so welcome. He was so inclusive, so funny.
Speaker 2: You could just tell when he was thinking of jokes
Speaker 2: as well, and then he'd pull them off really well.
Speaker 2: The whole room would be in fits of laughter. We
Speaker 2: integrated really quickly, as in he would absolutely come along
Speaker 2: to all my friendship events. I met his friends as well. However,
Speaker 2: he had a much much smaller friendship group. He was
Speaker 2: a strange from his family and his mother had passed away.
Speaker 2: He had two younger brothers and a couple of older
Speaker 2: siblings as well on both his mum and his dad's
Speaker 2: side that he was completely estranged from, and he didn't
Speaker 2: have a large friendship circle. So he really integrated quickly
Speaker 2: into mine, and everyone made him feel really welcome, and
Speaker 2: I think he fit in really well. We all had
Speaker 2: very similar interests when it came to know movies, music.
Speaker 2: We were very much into the kind of alternative music scene,
Speaker 2: and it was really easy for us all to get along.
Speaker 2: I think I felt this intense need to make him
Speaker 2: feel included and part of my family, whether it be
Speaker 2: my friendship family or my family family. I feel like
Speaker 2: he was a very strong, strong person. He was so
Speaker 2: intelligent and in tune with his emotions when we spoke,
Speaker 2: and he had actually also told me that he'd lost
Speaker 2: eighty kilograms and used to weigh one hundred and sixty
Speaker 2: and was around eighty when we met, and I thought,
Speaker 2: this person is so strong mentally. That is such a
Speaker 2: sign of someone who is really really strong in terms
Speaker 2: of their character, their perseverance, and their ability to see
Speaker 2: an obsticle and overcome it. And he did that for
Speaker 2: himself and was motivated himself to do that. He was
Speaker 2: quite self conscious of that, and I was always just
Speaker 2: in awe of that, and I thought that that was
Speaker 2: one of the best things about him, was knowing that
Speaker 2: fact as well. So he definitely was just someone I
Speaker 2: wanted to embrace and bring into my circle really quickly.
Speaker 2: So she did things progressed really quickly. I think said
Speaker 2: I love you when he asked me to be his girlfriend,
Speaker 2: and I definitely felt a lot of pressure from him
Speaker 2: to say it back, but held off for I think
Speaker 2: it was only a week or two, but it felt
Speaker 2: like a really long time. And I was really clear
Speaker 2: with him that it was a really big deal for me,
Speaker 2: as I'd never said I love you to anyone else before.
Speaker 2: When I said it, it was his birthday and I
Speaker 2: wrote it in a card, and I remember he was
Speaker 2: just so shocked and surprised, and we instantly just embraced
Speaker 2: and it was very cute, see, and I was just
Speaker 2: so in love with him so quickly. I felt so
Speaker 2: so hard, and I never had before, so it was
Speaker 2: all very very new to me. And that first couple
Speaker 2: of months we were thrown into living together quite quickly,
Speaker 2: as his lease at his rental had come up and
Speaker 2: he didn't want to sign on for a year when
Speaker 2: he'd just kind of gotten into a really serious relationship.
Speaker 2: So I said, well, I mean, I have a one
Speaker 2: bedroom apartment, but we can make it work. Move in here.
Speaker 2: There's no point in you signing a whole year long
Speaker 2: lease at your current place. Let's make it work together.
Speaker 2: And so he basically never left. Essentially, it was a
Speaker 2: one night stand turn relationship very very very quickly.
Speaker 1: Despite only being together a couple of months, Cad and
Speaker 1: Ben were totally and blissfully in love, but even in
Speaker 1: their perfect little world, there were hints that things were
Speaker 1: moving a little too fast.
Speaker 2: We went through the usual kind of initial relationship hiccups
Speaker 2: of he was quite jealous of some of my male friends,
Speaker 2: especially ones I had passed intimate experiences with, and although
Speaker 2: there was nothing there, he felt quite strongly about my
Speaker 2: friendships with them, and I really started to distance myself
Speaker 2: and isolate myself quite quickly from them. And he was
Speaker 2: quite attached and he would constantly text me, and if
Speaker 2: I didn't reply for a couple of hours because I
Speaker 2: was at work, he'd you know, double text, and I
Speaker 2: thought that was completely normal, and that really felt like
Speaker 2: he was just making a big effort and just wanted
Speaker 2: to spend time with me and hear from me, and
Speaker 2: absolutely was just as obsessed with me as I was
Speaker 2: with him. I think I had just had that security
Speaker 2: even though I'd never been in a relationship. I just
Speaker 2: didn't feel that need to text twenty four to seven,
Speaker 2: And so that was something that I noticed quite early on.
Speaker 2: About a month after I told Ben that I loved him,
Speaker 2: he went out for drinks with some friends. He didn't
Speaker 2: come home that night, which wasn't abnormal as we had
Speaker 2: just started dating, and he told me he was staying
Speaker 2: over at his friend's house. I remember the next day
Speaker 2: at work it was Valentine's Day and he came and
Speaker 2: visited me before work while I was getting coffee and
Speaker 2: brought me a bunch of flowers, which was really sweet.
Speaker 2: But then another bouquet of flowers showed up at my
Speaker 2: workplace that day that had been pre ordered for Valentine's Day.
Speaker 2: So I didn't think too much into that until about
Speaker 2: a week later and I get a message from my
Speaker 2: friend who said, hey, I didn't know Ben and this
Speaker 2: coworker of my friend was such good friends. It was
Speaker 2: basically like a hate girly text, but from my friend
Speaker 2: who worked with this girl at the time, and he
Speaker 2: didn't outright say it, but I knew something had happened.
Speaker 2: So I questioned my friend and he has actually said
Speaker 2: she was bragging about sleeping with him the week before.
Speaker 2: I had a feeling in my gut. I knew something
Speaker 2: definitely had happened because I thought back and I thought
Speaker 2: it was strange that he didn't message me and come
Speaker 2: home that night, and I think my gut just knew, yeah,
Speaker 2: he had done something and had a secret. I felt
Speaker 2: really really confused, but I wasn't going to jump to
Speaker 2: conclusions and just believe this other person. I was going
Speaker 2: to give Ben the chance to explain. I confronted Ben
Speaker 2: about it, and he instantly got defensive and went outside
Speaker 2: to make a phone call. And I remember just sitting
Speaker 2: there on the phone to my best friend, saying, Hey,
Speaker 2: this has happened. He's gone outside to make a phone call.
Speaker 2: He's denying that it even happened, and I was in
Speaker 2: complete shock and a complete state of confusion. At this point,
Speaker 2: I just knew that he was lying about it, and
Speaker 2: I messaged the other girl. She backflipped a couple of
Speaker 2: times in that conversation and essentially ended up denying that
Speaker 2: it happened. And then Ben admitted to it all. He
Speaker 2: said that they got very drunk and that it was
Speaker 2: just an accident. There was no real excuse for it.
Speaker 2: He was crying, he was really upset. I remember I
Speaker 2: was in a bit of shock, so I was just
Speaker 2: sitting on the couch, just still and frozen, not able
Speaker 2: to cry, not able to get upset. And I told
Speaker 2: him we needed space so I could think about it.
Speaker 2: I took the next day off work, and I know
Speaker 2: that Ben went and stayed with his friend and spoke
Speaker 2: to his friend. And when Ben came back, he was
Speaker 2: so full of remorse and he was saying, he just
Speaker 2: doesn't know why it happened. He loves me, he sees
Speaker 2: a future with me. He absolutely wanted to make it
Speaker 2: work with me if I could forgive him. I remember
Speaker 2: I asked him did he use protection? He said no,
Speaker 2: and so I instantly made us go to the doctor
Speaker 2: and get a test together. And I remember just being
Speaker 2: in the uber on the way to the GP and thinking,
Speaker 2: I can't believe this has happened. I can't believe this happened.
Speaker 2: This is only a month in to my first proper relationship.
Speaker 2: I love this man, and he's cheated on me already.
Speaker 2: When we got home, we had a big discussion about it,
Speaker 2: and I said, if I choose to give you another chance,
Speaker 2: and I choose to forgive you, I'm going to do
Speaker 2: that with a promise that I won't resent you. I've
Speaker 2: seen how that ruins other relationships, even years down the track,
Speaker 2: where the partner will then be so full of resentment.
Speaker 2: If I'm going to forgive you, I'm going to let
Speaker 2: go and I will give you another chance wholeheartedly. But
Speaker 2: you need to promise to never do this again. And
Speaker 2: he said, yep, I promise I won't do this again.
Speaker 2: After that, I chose to, yeah, forgive and forget and
Speaker 2: move forward with absolute grace and love for him. We
Speaker 2: just continued on as if it had never happened, and
Speaker 2: it was just a tiny little blip. Very very early on,
Speaker 2: we were still separable. We were going on dates and
Speaker 2: eating out every couple of nights. We were hanging out
Speaker 2: with all of my friends. He was continuously buying me flowers,
Speaker 2: sending me flowers to my work. He would take me
Speaker 2: to gigs and to the movies, and we were absolutely
Speaker 2: just obsessed with each other.
Speaker 1: Every couple hits a few bumps along the way, and
Speaker 1: as far as Kay was concerned, that was all behind them.
Speaker 1: In her mind, that bleep will only make them stronger,
Speaker 1: and as it turns out, she was right.
Speaker 2: We were going to a engagement party on a Saturday
Speaker 2: evening and we were shopping for an outfit for him
Speaker 2: to wear during the day, and while we were walking
Speaker 2: through them all, we saw a doory store how to sale,
Speaker 2: and at that point we had been making so many
Speaker 2: jokes about having kids, and I was saying to him,
Speaker 2: I'm really traditional. I don't want to have kids until
Speaker 2: I'm married, and we were joking that we were going
Speaker 2: to get married. He was telling me I was his
Speaker 2: dream girl, I was the love of his life. He
Speaker 2: was going to make me his wife. And so when
Speaker 2: we saw this jewelry store sale, we walked in and
Speaker 2: he said, let's just for fun, have you try some on?
Speaker 2: And I tried some on. I tried on my dream ring,
Speaker 2: which was a kind of square cut silver diamond ring.
Speaker 2: It didn't look good on my finger at all. And
Speaker 2: then there was one that was this beautiful round diamond
Speaker 2: and we put it on my finger and it looked
Speaker 2: completely different and it just fit. And I remember being
Speaker 2: so shocked that this ring that I had liked. I'd
Speaker 2: never really thought about rings before, but this ring that
Speaker 2: I had liked on other people, the style just looked
Speaker 2: horrible on my finger. But then when we put this
Speaker 2: one on, it was the one. He instantly walked outside
Speaker 2: and I could see him. He just left me there,
Speaker 2: and I could see him pacing back and forth on
Speaker 2: the phone, and I had no idea who he was
Speaker 2: talking to. When he came back into the jewelry store,
Speaker 2: he looked at me and the salesman and he said,
Speaker 2: that was your mum. She gave us her blessing, and
Speaker 2: he knew that he didn't need my dad's approval. My
Speaker 2: dad was very chill and would just be completely happy
Speaker 2: for me. It was my mom's approval who he needed.
Speaker 2: So he'd called my mum and asked if it was
Speaker 2: okay to ask me to marry him. She had said
Speaker 2: it's Kate's choice, but I approved. They'd only met once
Speaker 2: at this point, and he'd come into state with me
Speaker 2: to meet my family a few weeks earlier, so they
Speaker 2: had loved him and completely just fallen head over heels
Speaker 2: with him the way I had. He made a huge
Speaker 2: effort with my family when we were there interstate together.
Speaker 2: He got along with my sister in a way that
Speaker 2: I didn't even get along with her. He got along
Speaker 2: with my cousins, my nieces, my whole family just absolutely
Speaker 2: fell in love with him. So once we bought the ring,
Speaker 2: we were giddy, and we got the tram home and
Speaker 2: he was saying I'm going to surprise you and propose
Speaker 2: when you least expect it. And I was absolutely completely
Speaker 2: okay with that, but just knowing that the ring was there,
Speaker 2: I can't even describe the feeling. I was so in love.
Speaker 2: I just wanted it to happen then and there. And
Speaker 2: then we were walking down my street, right outside our apartment,
Speaker 2: and he just couldn't take it anymore and got down
Speaker 2: on one knee. I don't even remember what he said.
Speaker 2: I was in activewear and looked shocking. And a lady
Speaker 2: was turning the corner as he got down on one knee,
Speaker 2: and she said, oh my God, give me your phone
Speaker 2: and took my phone and took a photo of it
Speaker 2: for us. I was crying. I was beside myself with joy,
Speaker 2: and I of course said yes instantly, and we went
Speaker 2: upstairs and we called my dad and told my dad.
Speaker 2: I think my mom drove over with the phone to
Speaker 2: my dad. She was somewhere else at that point. I
Speaker 2: think she was at a friend's house. Well, my dad
Speaker 2: was at home, and my dad drove over to my
Speaker 2: mom at a friend's house, and we told them together
Speaker 2: on the phone, and then we called my grandma and
Speaker 2: we did the rounds, and then we had to go
Speaker 2: to this engagement party where we obviously didn't say anything,
Speaker 2: didn't tell anyone, and let my friend have her moment.
Speaker 2: But the whole time we were just giddy because we
Speaker 2: had this secret. We posted about it on Facebook afterwards,
Speaker 2: and I remember my phone was just blowing up and
Speaker 2: everyone was saying, I'm so excited you but I'm so surprised,
Speaker 2: and I would just say, when you know, you know,
Speaker 2: and I know he's my person, he's the one, He's
Speaker 2: the love of my life. It was a really exciting
Speaker 2: time anyway, just being in that engagement bubble. There was
Speaker 2: no rush to get married, but there was a need
Speaker 2: for us to look at our finances and really get
Speaker 2: real about saving so we could be ready for a wedding.
Speaker 1: Just five months after that first fateful dm, Kate had
Speaker 1: a ring on her finger and a future unfolding before her.
Speaker 1: And around that time another big decision presented itself.
Speaker 2: My family had said they'd help us by our first
Speaker 2: place together, given we were engaged. We found the apartment,
Speaker 2: and this was in the space of a couple of
Speaker 2: weeks of looking. It was the perfect corner apartment, beautiful view,
Speaker 2: really easy to give a little facelift and make our
Speaker 2: own really quickly and not for too much money. So
Speaker 2: we decided we'd go for it, and we bought this place.
Speaker 2: It all happened very very quickly. We instantly made an
Speaker 2: appointment at the bank to merge our finances. I work
Speaker 2: in finance, so this is something that was really important
Speaker 2: to me, so we could move together as a couple
Speaker 2: and move forward. And we decided to consolidate our debts.
Speaker 2: We both had a credit card debt at the time,
Speaker 2: and we thought, let's put that into a personal loan
Speaker 2: that we can easily pay off and open a joint
Speaker 2: account so we can start saving for the wedding. So
Speaker 2: at the meeting with the bank, he ends up being
Speaker 2: the one to take out the personal loan and we
Speaker 2: use that money to pay off my credit card, his
Speaker 2: credit card, and then an extra four thousand dollars was
Speaker 2: added to that personal loan to pay for his mum's
Speaker 2: burial fees. He said, we're still outstanding and left on
Speaker 2: him to pay because his stepdad was refusing to pay
Speaker 2: for those fees. She'd only died about a year before,
Speaker 2: he said, so. Essentially, he told me that she was
Speaker 2: being buried in the cemetery, and he needed to pay
Speaker 2: off those fees from when she'd passed. So everything was
Speaker 2: going so well. I was on cloud nine, still in
Speaker 2: my engagement bubble. We just bought our first apartment and
Speaker 2: were waiting to settle and move in. My family loved Ben,
Speaker 2: my friends loved Ben. We were freshly engaged and just
Speaker 2: ready to start that next, more adult chapter of our
Speaker 2: lives together. When we joined our finances, we decided to
Speaker 2: set some savings goals. I owned a little bit more
Speaker 2: than Ben at this point and made it really clear
Speaker 2: to him that what's mine is what's his is mine.
Speaker 2: I would be happy to help pay off those burial
Speaker 2: fees on the person alone. A couple of weeks later,
Speaker 2: we go out with my friends and the friend that
Speaker 2: had told me about the cheating in February was out
Speaker 2: with us and Ben and this friend ended up reconciling
Speaker 2: that night and we were having the best time. We
Speaker 2: were at a Korean bar and dancing on the tables,
Speaker 2: making friends with everyone, drinking copious amounts of sojo. During
Speaker 2: that night. While Ben was reconciling with my friend, he'd
Speaker 2: given me his phone, which was really rare for him,
Speaker 2: as he never let me touch his phone, but after
Speaker 2: the cheating incident, he'd actually changed his passcode to the
Speaker 2: same one as mine to give me peace of mind,
Speaker 2: and I said, I'll never need to use it. I'll
Speaker 2: never go through your phone. And while he was at
Speaker 2: the bar reconciling with my friend, I decided to go
Speaker 2: on to his phone and unblock that particular friend, given
Speaker 2: they were making up. I don't know why. I think
Speaker 2: I was drunk too, It was just a drunk decision.
Speaker 2: And when I saw his blocked list, I noticed a
Speaker 2: couple of names that stood out that were names of
Speaker 2: his family members. So later on that night, Ben was
Speaker 2: extremely drunk and he left his phone next to me
Speaker 2: when he passed out in bed, and I went back
Speaker 2: on and had a look. It's something I'm not proud
Speaker 2: of and had never done before and had never even
Speaker 2: thought of before. But something told me go back and
Speaker 2: look at those names, and it was the names of
Speaker 2: his dad and multiple names of his mum, And I thought,
Speaker 2: this is really strange. His mom's dead and why would
Speaker 2: there be multiple accounts with her name blocked? And I
Speaker 2: went into his message requests and there was a message
Speaker 2: from another account with his mum's name, and she was
Speaker 2: essentially saying I'm so sorry, I'm clean now, or something
Speaker 2: along those lines. And I've left a man's name I'm
Speaker 2: assuming maybe his stepdad, please message me. I believe the
Speaker 2: message was sent quite recently, not too much earlier, and
Speaker 2: we had actually acknowledged the date of his mom's death
Speaker 2: quite early on. I think it was in March. From memory,
Speaker 2: he was really upset one day and we acknowledged the
Speaker 2: fact that his mum had died. He posted a photo
Speaker 2: of her on social media and said miss you. And
Speaker 2: I remember lying in bed with him and he was
Speaker 2: really upset talking about her death. So to see her
Speaker 2: in his DMS in his message requests was a big shock.
Speaker 2: And then I put two and two together that she
Speaker 2: wasn't dead. I instantly went on that cemetery website and
Speaker 2: I searched her name. It was nowhere to be found.
Speaker 2: I searched her name on Google, couldn't find any information
Speaker 2: at all about her or her death. And I just
Speaker 2: knew in my gut she was alive and not dead,
Speaker 2: and that he had lied about it. I felt really confused.
Speaker 2: I felt betrayed, but something in me said don't jump
Speaker 2: to conclusions. Just again, bring it up with him and
Speaker 2: see what he has to say. I believe he's a
Speaker 2: really good person, and if he told me that she
Speaker 2: was dead, it was for good reason. And he obviously
Speaker 2: didn't want to tell me the truth for one reason
Speaker 2: or another. So the next morning, when he woke up,
Speaker 2: I confronted him. I was open with him and told
Speaker 2: him I'd been through his phone while he was asleep
Speaker 2: and I saw this message. He told me that it
Speaker 2: was his younger half brothers on his mom's side, and
Speaker 2: that they were pretending to be his mom to get
Speaker 2: money from him, because he'd previously been sending them money
Speaker 2: to support them. I knew in my guard that this
Speaker 2: wasn't true, and I just gave up the fight at
Speaker 2: some point and accepted, he's not going to tell me
Speaker 2: the truth here, but I knew his mom was alive.
Speaker 2: I remember I went out for dinner with a friend
Speaker 2: a couple of weeks later, and I told her about
Speaker 2: what i'd seen and what I knew and what he
Speaker 2: had told me, and she said, look, he seems like
Speaker 2: a really good person, and you're right, he probably wouldn't
Speaker 2: say that his mom's dead if it wasn't just the
Speaker 2: easiest option. What other reason could that be? And so
Speaker 2: I actually felt really sorry for him in the message
Speaker 2: because it had mentioned from his mum that I'm clean
Speaker 2: now and I've left my partner. I just knew, okay,
Speaker 2: this relationship wasn't great, and he had been honest about
Speaker 2: the fact that there were substance abuse issues there and
Speaker 2: it was clearly a broken relationship. So I just decided,
Speaker 2: I'm going to let this go and I'm not going
Speaker 2: to push this and cause a huge fight. I mean,
Speaker 2: what is the big deal? But then there was a
Speaker 2: question of the personal loan and where that money had gone.
Speaker 2: So I again just decided to let it go and
Speaker 2: not cause a fight from it, and just accept that
Speaker 2: he's telling me this because it's the easiest way and
Speaker 2: he doesn't want to admit to the truth.
Speaker 1: While part of Kate rationalized and trying to understand the situation,
Speaker 1: there was a niggling feeling that wouldn't go away.
Speaker 2: What I felt really uncomfortable about was the fact that
Speaker 2: my whole family and whole friendship group knew that his
Speaker 2: mum was dead, and when they'd ask me about him,
Speaker 2: I'd say, well, he doesn't talk to his family. They're estranged,
Speaker 2: and his mother passed away. His dad had left when
Speaker 2: he was really young and started a new family, and
Speaker 2: he had a lot of trauma that he hadn't worked through,
Speaker 2: but he was happy on his own and had always
Speaker 2: made it work with his previous partners. My mind then
Speaker 2: turned to, well, what's this four thousand dollar burial feed
Speaker 2: that I'm paying off and other fees that were paying
Speaker 2: off together. And at that point I'd paid off maybe
Speaker 2: half of that amount plus my own or I was
Speaker 2: in the process of paying off half of that amount
Speaker 2: plus my own debt with our person alone. There was
Speaker 2: so many instances where he was taking me out for
Speaker 2: extravagant dinners and buying me flowers and other gifts. Especially
Speaker 2: on my birthday. He'd absolutely spoiled me. I had so
Speaker 2: many gifts waiting for me when I woke up, and
Speaker 2: I just was so confused. Where did that money go?
Speaker 2: And I think I just put two and two together
Speaker 2: in my head. Okay, he spent that, I think on me.
Speaker 2: I knew at this point that I was ignoring some
Speaker 2: really big red flags, but the good just outweighed the bad,
Speaker 2: and you know, these were just a couple of little
Speaker 2: hiccups in my mind, and we were engaged. He was
Speaker 2: still the best person I knew, the person I trusted
Speaker 2: and spent twenty four to seven with other than work.
Speaker 2: When things were good, he was incredible. I would come
Speaker 2: home and he would have written I love you and
Speaker 2: tea light candles across my floor, and he'd write me
Speaker 2: love notes, and there would be texts that he'd send
Speaker 2: me in the middle of the day that were so romantic.
Speaker 2: And I wasn't a romantic like him, and it didn't
Speaker 2: come naturally to me. So I was slowly just warming
Speaker 2: to this love that I was receiving it all times
Speaker 2: of the day. And you know, I'd come home and
Speaker 2: he would cook me dinner every night or take me
Speaker 2: out for dinner, and everything just seemed perfect, other than
Speaker 2: he'd cheated on me and he'd lied to me. And
Speaker 2: I kept thinking, this is all completely opposite to how
Speaker 2: my ex partner Jake treated me, and I'd rather this
Speaker 2: than have him scream at me, block me, yell at me.
Speaker 2: And I just thought this is the only alternative for myself.
Speaker 2: I didn't actually ever entertain the idea of breaking up
Speaker 2: with him. I never entertained the idea of being alone.
Speaker 2: I just thought, this is our life together, now, this
Speaker 2: was it, and I was blissfully happy. I just seemed
Speaker 2: to compartmentalize these two big red flags.
Speaker 1: And there were exciting times ahead, none more so than
Speaker 1: finally moving into their very own apartment.
Speaker 2: It feels like this fresh start. We are happy beyond,
Speaker 2: and we make this apartment our home. We host my
Speaker 2: family from interstate all the time, we have our friends
Speaker 2: over all the time. It's just us and our cat,
Speaker 2: and we're just in this little love bubble. Saving to
Speaker 2: get ready for our marriage. We went into state and
Speaker 2: visited some family. We had some great experiences together. I
Speaker 2: took him to the UFC for his birthday. It was
Speaker 2: his absolute passion. We absolutely just move forward together and
Speaker 2: was stronger than ever, and I just felt like I
Speaker 2: trusted him completely and holy, and there were no red
Speaker 2: flags that he was looking any other way or telling
Speaker 2: me any other lies. We just had the best, most
Speaker 2: perfect year, just us in our pre marriage bubble, just
Speaker 2: absolutely enjoying each other's company and everything was great. We
Speaker 2: rarely fought. If we did, it was about silly things
Speaker 2: like him wanting to earn more money, so he could
Speaker 2: kind of catch up to me, or we would fight
Speaker 2: about who would clean the kitchen and little silly things
Speaker 2: like that. There was nothing major.
Speaker 1: With the wedding approaching. Things were in such a good place.
Speaker 1: It prompted a pretty important conversation.
Speaker 2: It was a couple of nights before and my mom
Speaker 2: had said to me while we were alone, how's Ben
Speaker 2: feeling with none of his family attending the wedding? And
Speaker 2: I said, well, my family is his family, and my
Speaker 2: mom had kind of realized something was off with the
Speaker 2: story about his mom being dead, and I think I
Speaker 2: was trying so hard to cover for him, but I
Speaker 2: didn't want to continue lying to my mom, so I said, well,
Speaker 2: he thinks his mother's dead. We don't know if she's
Speaker 2: actually dead. He was told by his brothers that she
Speaker 2: was dead, and my mom knew that we'd taken out
Speaker 2: this personal loan, so she kept saying, but what about
Speaker 2: the burial fees then? And I said, oh, I think
Speaker 2: there are other fees that were to do with her
Speaker 2: mum's death. I don't know, And I just remember being
Speaker 2: really cagy to my mom and feeling so awful for
Speaker 2: lying to her, but also trying to get my and
Speaker 2: get Ben out of the fact that my mom thought
Speaker 2: that his mum was absolutely dead, and that really shocked
Speaker 2: me and rocked me a couple of days before the
Speaker 2: wedding having that conversation. So I brought it up with
Speaker 2: him a couple of nights beforehand and I said, I
Speaker 2: know your mom's alive, and he didn't deny it and
Speaker 2: finally admitted to it. And I remember we had this
Speaker 2: really mature, healthy discussion. He didn't try and make any excuses.
Speaker 2: He just said it was what I thought. And he
Speaker 2: said it was easier to tell people that she's dead.
Speaker 2: And I said, okay, well, I'm still going to marry you.
Speaker 2: And that was that. Our wedding day was the best
Speaker 2: day of my life. It was the easiest, easiest wedding
Speaker 2: preparation that year. Everything had gone to plan. We had
Speaker 2: the best bridal party. We had so much fun. We
Speaker 2: stayed in an airbnb together the night before and we
Speaker 2: spent the whole day just surrounded by friends and family
Speaker 2: getting ready and getting to our wedding venue. At the wedding,
Speaker 2: we had the best time ever. Everyone was in fits
Speaker 2: of laughter the whole evening. We could not stop laughing.
Speaker 2: My dad cried. My mom and my dad walked me
Speaker 2: down the aisle, and the whole time we were just
Speaker 2: cracking jokes and it was just the most joyous, joyous
Speaker 2: day of my life, surrounded by everyone that loved us,
Speaker 2: all of my friends, all of Ben's friends, all of
Speaker 2: my family had traveled down from interstate to be there,
Speaker 2: and it was the most memorable day. We danced to
Speaker 2: this beautiful song Sunflower by Rex Orange County, and it
Speaker 2: was the most special song to us. Sunflowers are my
Speaker 2: favorite flower, and he bought me sunflower bunches all the time.
Speaker 2: It was the most beautiful, beautiful evening with my favorite song,
Speaker 2: the best music. My dad was so happy, my whole
Speaker 2: family was so happy, and it was just yeah. We
Speaker 2: were surrounded by lad and joy and it was the
Speaker 2: best day.
Speaker 1: It was only fitting their best day ever led straight
Speaker 1: into the trip of a lifetime, the perfect beginning to
Speaker 1: their next chapter.
Speaker 2: It was our first kind of proper holiday overseas together.
Speaker 2: It was perfect, and we went to Paris, we went
Speaker 2: to Rome, we went to Amsterdam and other places. It
Speaker 2: was just the dream Europe trip for us, and it
Speaker 2: was so beautiful. Could not have gone better. When we
Speaker 2: got back. We had always said we'd tried for kids,
Speaker 2: and so we were starting to think about trying and
Speaker 2: getting our finances back in order. We hadn't really left
Speaker 2: the wedding with much debt or anything. We had some
Speaker 2: help from my family and had saved really hard together
Speaker 2: to pay off our original credit card debts and then
Speaker 2: be able to fund this wedding ourselves. And we'd done
Speaker 2: a really, really great job at that. So we thought,
Speaker 2: let's regroup, take a couple of months to save and
Speaker 2: also buy some things for ourselves that we hadn't been
Speaker 2: able to while planning and honeymoon saving, and we decided
Speaker 2: that we'd try for kids later that year. Then COVID hit,
Speaker 2: and the first week into COVID, my dad passed away unexpectedly.
Speaker 2: I'll never forget getting that phone call and finding out
Speaker 2: that my dad had died. It was so surreal, and
Speaker 2: I was beside myself. I remember just being almost catatonic
Speaker 2: in bed, and Ben was just beside himself as well.
Speaker 2: My dad was like his dad, and I remember he
Speaker 2: held me all night until we got up to catch
Speaker 2: a plane at six am. The next morning. We flew
Speaker 2: into State to be with my family and I said,
Speaker 2: I want to go to the spot where my dad
Speaker 2: had passed. He had passed really suddenly while riding a bike,
Speaker 2: and I all night had had these visions of where
Speaker 2: my dad was, and luckily we knew he'd passed really
Speaker 2: quickly from a heart attack and he was most likely
Speaker 2: dead before he hit the ground, so he didn't suffer.
Speaker 2: And we knew he'd left a cafe twenty minutes before that,
Speaker 2: so it wasn't long before he was found. And I said,
Speaker 2: I want to go to the spot and I want
Speaker 2: to see Dad. I want to see his body. And
Speaker 2: my older brother and sister decided to come to We
Speaker 2: drove a couple of hours to where my dad had
Speaker 2: been staying at my sister's house house sitting for them,
Speaker 2: and Ben was by my side the whole time. He
Speaker 2: was holding my hand. He never let me out of
Speaker 2: his sight. He was there comforting my family. He kissed
Speaker 2: my dad on the cheek or the forehead when we
Speaker 2: saw his body. He came with us to the location
Speaker 2: where my dad had passed, and he was just the
Speaker 2: perfect husband. In that moment. I knew he was just
Speaker 2: as devastated as I was. The last messages from my
Speaker 2: dad that i'd received the day before to me and
Speaker 2: not to our group chat were my dad asking how
Speaker 2: Ben was. And I'll never forget that that's the last
Speaker 2: thing my dad had heard from me. After that, everything
Speaker 2: kind of changed in terms of our mindset around kids.
Speaker 2: I really wanted to start trying sooner rather than later,
Speaker 2: and I kept thinking, well, COVID's just hit. What if
Speaker 2: my grandma passes, or what if my mom something happened
Speaker 2: to my mom? And so I really wanted to start trying,
Speaker 2: and all of a sudden Ben wanted the opposite, and
Speaker 2: he said, I'm not ready. I think this is really
Speaker 2: changed the way I feel about it, and just want
Speaker 2: to do some things for myself first. And I said
Speaker 2: what are those things? And he said, I want to
Speaker 2: get my blue belt in jiu jitsu, I want to
Speaker 2: fix up the shitty tattoos that I have that I'm
Speaker 2: not proud of. And I want to earn X amount
Speaker 2: of money. And there were these things that he wanted,
Speaker 2: and I said, well, they're just, you know, things you
Speaker 2: can do anyway, They're not things you need to do
Speaker 2: before we have kids. But eventually I came round and
Speaker 2: I respected his decision and I didn't want to force anything,
Speaker 2: so we put a halt on trying for kids and
Speaker 2: just decided to navigate COVID. We both got promotions during
Speaker 2: that time, and I was working really, really hard while
Speaker 2: we were in lockdown, so was he. And Ben was
Speaker 2: really determined to catch up to me in his career,
Speaker 2: and that was something he was really really self conscious
Speaker 2: about and would be a constant state of discussion for us.
Speaker 2: I kept saying to him, well, I have seven plus
Speaker 2: years on you at my job. You've only just started
Speaker 2: at your job. You need to be patient with yourself
Speaker 2: where it doesn't matter what's mine is yours. I'm not
Speaker 2: thinking that I earn more than you and holding it
Speaker 2: against you. And it wasn't by much at all, but
Speaker 2: somehow he kept putting value on that, and so there
Speaker 2: was a lot of pressure he was putting on himself
Speaker 2: to work really hard, and I knew that that was
Speaker 2: also impacting him and his mental health. I really enjoyed
Speaker 2: COVID because it brought me closer to my family. I
Speaker 2: didn't have to go and talk about the death of
Speaker 2: my father whenever I spoke to someone. Because we were
Speaker 2: all communicating through screens. I was able to kind of
Speaker 2: process my grief alone and be in my own kind
Speaker 2: of little bubble where I was just speaking to the
Speaker 2: friends I wanted to speak to, and I wasn't feeling
Speaker 2: like I needed to go out and all of a
Speaker 2: sudden social So it was a really really great time
Speaker 2: for me, and I was just taking every positive out
Speaker 2: of it that I could.
Speaker 1: One year of navigating lockdowns later, Kaid had been working
Speaker 1: through her grief and things were going pretty well, so
Speaker 1: for like the right time to start trying for a family.
Speaker 2: I was taking the pregnancy vitamins, I was doing all
Speaker 2: the research. I was peeing on the ovulation sticks, taking
Speaker 2: my temperature every single day. We were doing everything we
Speaker 2: could to try for kids properly and feeling really ready
Speaker 2: to do that as well. Not long after this, we
Speaker 2: decided to start looking at houses. I think COVID had
Speaker 2: really solidified for us that we were stuck in this
Speaker 2: two bedroom apartment and needed a bit more space, especially
Speaker 2: if we were trying for kids, and so we started
Speaker 2: the search for our dream home. I had inherited some
Speaker 2: money after my dad's death and really wanted to either
Speaker 2: use that money to travel overseas and take a long
Speaker 2: holiday together post covid or. I wanted to use it
Speaker 2: for property, then was adamant he didn't want to use
Speaker 2: it to go overseas, and we had a few lengthy
Speaker 2: discussions where he said, well, you can just go without me,
Speaker 2: and I was really upset by this. It would normally
Speaker 2: end with myself in tears and I'd say, well, I
Speaker 2: don't want to go overseas without you, and this is
Speaker 2: my money and I want to use it on both
Speaker 2: of us, and I really want to travel and see
Speaker 2: the world, especially before we have kids. But he said no,
Speaker 2: let's use it on property, and I said, okay, well
Speaker 2: that's the other thing I would use it on, so yes,
Speaker 2: let's do that. Then the house hunting was really exciting
Speaker 2: for us. We really had a goal that we were
Speaker 2: both working towards, and we were spending every weekend going
Speaker 2: to inspections. We bid in two different auctions and unfortunately
Speaker 2: weren't successful, and then went on a day where we
Speaker 2: saw seven or eight different properties in the one morning.
Speaker 2: We fell in love with two of them. After the
Speaker 2: second property, which was closer to so many amenities, then
Speaker 2: walked outside and he said, let's put an offer on
Speaker 2: this one. I love this house. It's beautiful, and I said,
Speaker 2: I love it too. I think we should. However, the
Speaker 2: other property was still stuck in both of our minds.
Speaker 2: We got home and had a really lengthy discussion about
Speaker 2: it and Ben said he changed his mind and he
Speaker 2: wanted to go for the other property. So we had
Speaker 2: lengthy discussions that would last well into the night about
Speaker 2: both these properties and whether we should bid on one
Speaker 2: or the other. They were pretty similar in price and
Speaker 2: there were selling points for both, but I was more
Speaker 2: sold on the second property that Ben had originally said
Speaker 2: he really wanted to bid on, and he was really
Speaker 2: sold on the first one that we did both love
Speaker 2: but didn't have that same reaction at first. The first
Speaker 2: property as well, wasn't as close to really important amenities
Speaker 2: like public transport, as I didn't drive, so that was
Speaker 2: a big deciding factor for me. And there was definitely
Speaker 2: some tension during these discussions, and I remember one day
Speaker 2: Ben said, no, it's your money, let's go for the
Speaker 2: one you like, and I said, well, I don't want
Speaker 2: this to be a point of resentment in our relationship
Speaker 2: moving forward. If we're going to buy this, we both
Speaker 2: need to be all in. This is a huge huge
Speaker 2: decision to take out a mortgage this big, and it's
Speaker 2: an absolute thing that we need to be aligned on.
Speaker 2: I continue to have discussions like this with him, and
Speaker 2: he ends up saying, no, I love this property too,
Speaker 2: It's beautiful. We absolutely should go for it. We'd be
Speaker 2: silly not too, and so we put an offer on
Speaker 2: the property. We're really excited when within a day our
Speaker 2: offer gets accepted and it's our first home together, our
Speaker 2: first real house. The house itself had so much character
Speaker 2: and would need a bit of work, but we were
Speaker 2: both ready to take that on. It's a Victorian terrast,
Speaker 2: so was absolutely an investment in terms of it would
Speaker 2: increase in value given the heritage aspect, and the location
Speaker 2: was only just getting more and more popular in the market.
Speaker 2: Once we settle on the house in December twenty twenty one,
Speaker 2: Ben starts acting really distant and I felt him really
Speaker 2: visibly pull away. We celebrated with our friends and we
Speaker 2: took photos outside the for sale sign, putting the salt
Speaker 2: sticker on the house, We went for drinks. We had
Speaker 2: a few days of real joy together and excitement about
Speaker 2: moving into the property. But the moment we settle I
Speaker 2: felt him pull away.
Speaker 1: It was only weeks since they'd achieved this huge milestone together.
Speaker 1: Kate could sense something was wrong. She just couldn't quite
Speaker 1: put her finger on it, and the lead up to
Speaker 1: Ben's thirtieth it got a whole lot worse.
Speaker 2: The day before Ben's birthday, Ben says, I want to
Speaker 2: take you to dinner. And this was a couple of
Speaker 2: days after we'd moved into the new house, and he said,
Speaker 2: let's go to the pub down the road. And I'd
Speaker 2: been saying, I really want to try it out. It's
Speaker 2: basically our neighbor. Let's go, and so I was really
Speaker 2: excited that he'd asked me to dinner. I got a
Speaker 2: bit dressed up, so did he, and we went to
Speaker 2: the pub together and while we were talking, he brought up,
Speaker 2: out of the blue, what if I don't want to
Speaker 2: be married anymore? My heart sunk, and I remember I
Speaker 2: instantly started crying in the pub. And we talked and
Speaker 2: talked and talked about it, and I was so confused,
Speaker 2: and I said, what is this, what's going on? Why
Speaker 2: don't you want to be married anymore? And he essentially
Speaker 2: said that he doesn't see a life with me anymore
Speaker 2: and wanted some time to himself for his thirtieth I
Speaker 2: had put aside part of my bonus that year and
Speaker 2: taken out ten thousand dollars in cash for a trip
Speaker 2: for us to Japan. And we got home and he said,
Speaker 2: let's do gifts early. And this is after a discussion
Speaker 2: where he said he didn't want to be married anymore.
Speaker 2: And I said, okay, that I feel like this is
Speaker 2: the wrong gift to give you right now. And I
Speaker 2: don't know how you're going to feel about this, because
Speaker 2: I don't know how you'll react and if there'll be
Speaker 2: an imbalance with us. And I gave him his gift
Speaker 2: and he was so excited and so happy, and I said,
Speaker 2: this is for our future Japan trip. We just wanted
Speaker 2: to go to Japan together, and he said he was
Speaker 2: so grateful. He was so thankful, and everything kind of
Speaker 2: went back to normal for the rest of the evening,
Speaker 2: but I felt sick in my stomach. The next day.
Speaker 2: I remember getting home and he said to me, what
Speaker 2: if I don't want to go to Japan with you
Speaker 2: and I want to go alone? And I remember again
Speaker 2: my heart just broke and I just didn't know what
Speaker 2: to say, and I said, well, how could you now,
Speaker 2: I feel like it's like me trying to bribe your
Speaker 2: love and me trying it. This is, you know, something
Speaker 2: I really wanted to do for you and for us,
Speaker 2: and I worked really hard for this money, and it's
Speaker 2: something I want us to have, is a trip to
Speaker 2: look forward to. We keep talking about wanting to go
Speaker 2: to Japan, and now it's we've bought our house, it's
Speaker 2: post COVID. We can go overseas together when the border
Speaker 2: is open. Let's book in this Japan trip. And he said,
Speaker 2: I just I want to go alone. And I just
Speaker 2: I didn't even know what to say. And I knew
Speaker 2: something was very broken with us at that point. So
Speaker 2: I spoke to my mom. I think i'd been speaking
Speaker 2: to her and the lead up to this and saying
Speaker 2: how detached I felt. And I said to her, I
Speaker 2: think I need to come visit you into state, and
Speaker 2: I need to give Ben some space, because clearly he's confused,
Speaker 2: he's lost, he doesn't know what he wants. I think
Speaker 2: turning thirty had really shocked him. I think opening our
Speaker 2: bank account and seeing a million dollars in debt really
Speaker 2: shocked him. I think having to work really hard for
Speaker 2: our money had really shocked him. To be able to
Speaker 2: pay the mortgage, and knowing that things were going to
Speaker 2: be a little bit tighter really shocked him. And he'd
Speaker 2: said he was ready for all these things, and we
Speaker 2: were still trying for kids at this point, and I
Speaker 2: was making assumptions, but I think all of these really
Speaker 2: adult decisions sent him into a complete phase where he
Speaker 2: was just absolutely lost and didn't know how to proceed
Speaker 2: with life. He did put a lot of pressure on
Speaker 2: himself turning thirty, and he said he wasn't where he'd
Speaker 2: imagined himself. And I said, well, you're married, we're trying
Speaker 2: for kids, We've just bought our dream house, and you know,
Speaker 2: people would die to have what we have, like we
Speaker 2: are so privileged, and you know, we are so lucky
Speaker 2: to be where we are in life and to have
Speaker 2: each other and to be a team, and to have
Speaker 2: our health and our stability in our workplaces and the
Speaker 2: friends that we have and the family that I have.
Speaker 2: So what's missing I don't understand. And he just couldn't
Speaker 2: tell me. So I said, all right, I'm going to
Speaker 2: give you some space and I'm going to go to Queensland.
Speaker 2: And I asked him if he'd get counseling with me,
Speaker 2: and he said yes.
Speaker 1: Kate needed space, a safe space, so she packed her
Speaker 1: banks and went into state to stay with their mum.
Speaker 1: What was meant to be a few days turned into
Speaker 1: three weeks. Is Ben's behavior remained cruel and cold. That
Speaker 1: was until Valentine's Day.
Speaker 2: He admitted that he missed me. On Valentine's Day, we
Speaker 2: had a phone call that lasted hours and it was
Speaker 2: like we were back to our old selves. We were laughing,
Speaker 2: we were crying, we were talking about us in our relationship,
Speaker 2: and it was really beautiful. We then go on to
Speaker 2: have our joint counseling session a couple of days later.
Speaker 2: It was our first one with the joint counselor. The
Speaker 2: first thing I remember saying when we got into the
Speaker 2: joint counseling session and it was my time to speak,
Speaker 2: was did you cheat on me? And he said yes,
Speaker 2: I did, and he wanted to wait till the counselor
Speaker 2: was there to admit it to me, and he couldn't
Speaker 2: admit it. The week before, he says he was out drinking.
Speaker 2: He doesn't even remember the girl's name. He says he
Speaker 2: didn't take his wedding ring off when it happened, and
Speaker 2: I was absolutely disgusted and I couldn't believe that he's
Speaker 2: done this to me again. And the counselor said, well,
Speaker 2: you know, now you need to make a decision. Are
Speaker 2: you going to move forward or not? And Ben said,
Speaker 2: I want to be with Kate. I want to be together.
Speaker 2: I absolutely think that the marriage is worth fighting for
Speaker 2: and that we can work through this, and I'm committed
Speaker 2: to doing it. Then I said I need to think
Speaker 2: about this, and I remember leaving the session and going
Speaker 2: and hugging my mum and just crying and saying, he
Speaker 2: cheated on me. He cheated on me. She had no
Speaker 2: idea about the first time when we first started dating.
Speaker 2: I just knew that she would know that this was
Speaker 2: a really big deal for me. And I cried day
Speaker 2: and I remember he texted me and he said, I'm
Speaker 2: so sorry, and I booked a flight for the next
Speaker 2: morning back home. When I got home the next day,
Speaker 2: he was at work all day at his weekend job
Speaker 2: in the warehouse, and he got home really late. I
Speaker 2: remember the moment he got home, we were fighting. He
Speaker 2: was instantly getting aggressive. He'd moved all his belongings out
Speaker 2: of our bedroom into the room downstairs, the spare room,
Speaker 2: and it was like there were two separate people living
Speaker 2: in the house when I got home. Things were really
Speaker 2: rocky after that. The next night after he invited me
Speaker 2: to the warehouse party where he worked now on the weekends,
Speaker 2: and that night we had a fight because I said
Speaker 2: I wanted to go home, and he was threatening to
Speaker 2: drunk drive. He was screaming at me, he was punching
Speaker 2: the steering wheel, threatening to kill himself, using a voice
Speaker 2: that I'd never heard before, and finally I just decided
Speaker 2: to back down and please him and say, okay, I
Speaker 2: will continue to party on tonight. Let's go to Karayoke
Speaker 2: if that's where we're going, And he said great and
Speaker 2: snapped right out of it. We ordered an uber to
Speaker 2: carryoke to catch up with his friends, and I remember
Speaker 2: sitting in the back of the uber. He was in
Speaker 2: the front. I was just crying and crying and crying silently,
Speaker 2: and he turned around and he said, you'd better put
Speaker 2: a smile on your face, and I will never forget
Speaker 2: the tone. I'd never heard anything like that before, and
Speaker 2: I just couldn't say anything. And I think I pretended
Speaker 2: to smile and he said good or something like that,
Speaker 2: and I just kept thinking, this uber driver is going
Speaker 2: to know that he is controlling me right now. And
Speaker 2: I remember thinking, these are red flags, these are red flags,
Speaker 2: these are red flags. This is not his normal behavior.
Speaker 2: It is not okay.
Speaker 1: This rollercoaster of emotions and Ben's behavior were unpredictable and erratic.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it was bad, and sometimes it felt like things
Speaker 1: truly were going back to normal.
Speaker 2: Things after that night seemed to look up. We continue
Speaker 2: to get counseling really regularly. We're working on our communication,
Speaker 2: We're having regular check ins, and a couple of months
Speaker 2: after this period, he says in counseling, I want to
Speaker 2: start trying for babies again, and I say, no, I
Speaker 2: want to make sure we're okay. First, let's focus on us.
Speaker 2: Our intimacy had gotten so much better since I got
Speaker 2: back from that month away, and since we'd been working
Speaker 2: through counseling and everything seemed really, really good. We were
Speaker 2: making a huge effort to go on dates. He took
Speaker 2: me to the sunflower fields, he took me to Dal'sford
Speaker 2: for the weekend. We had day trips and made a
Speaker 2: much bigger effort to just be present with each other,
Speaker 2: communicate through anything we were thinking and feeling, and be
Speaker 2: better to each other and better at each other's company.
Speaker 2: So as the year progresses, he says to me, Japan's
Speaker 2: not opening their borders yet. Why don't we use the
Speaker 2: money you gave me for my thirtieth to book a
Speaker 2: Europe trip. Let's basically relive our home honeymoon together. And
Speaker 2: I had fallen in love with Europe on our honeymoon
Speaker 2: and I was all too happy to say, absolutely, let's
Speaker 2: do this. So we planned this Europe trip together from
Speaker 2: months long trip. During the trip, we saw our favorite
Speaker 2: band together. We got matching tatoos in Amsterdam, and everything
Speaker 2: was perfect. We end up being intimate in every country
Speaker 2: we visit it and every time we'd make little jokes
Speaker 2: and say, oh, imagine if our baby's conceived here, and
Speaker 2: we weren't being careful. We weren't not trying at this point,
Speaker 2: so we were absolutely, you know, still talking about having children.
Speaker 2: When we get back from Europe, we have a week
Speaker 2: off together. We go to the movies twice, we go shopping,
Speaker 2: we eat out, We're just having a great week and
Speaker 2: we're back at work and I felt like everything was
Speaker 2: distant all over again. I called Ben on my lunch
Speaker 2: break and I say, what's going on. It's your Christmas
Speaker 2: party tonight. I really feel like everything's distant. I just
Speaker 2: want to talk before you go to the party, and
Speaker 2: he says, I feel like I did at the start
Speaker 2: of the year. I don't want to be married to
Speaker 2: you anymore. I instantly start hysterically crying on the phone
Speaker 2: and I say, well, this is just such a shock.
Speaker 2: We got matching tattoos a week and a half ago.
Speaker 2: I'm completely blindsided. I'm hysterically crying, and I just don't
Speaker 2: know what to say.
Speaker 1: Every day, the same patterns emerged. Kate never knew which
Speaker 1: version of Ben she would get. The hardest part was
Speaker 1: that she still loved him, and that love was what
Speaker 1: kept her trying doing everything she could to make at
Speaker 1: work until one day he did the unforgivable.
Speaker 2: In March twenty twenty three, I was house sitting for
Speaker 2: a friend and it was a great opportunity for me
Speaker 2: to give him more space, and I noticed that he
Speaker 2: wasn't feeding our cat, and that was it for me.
Speaker 2: He was saying he was there and he was feeding
Speaker 2: our cat. But I just knew in my gut that
Speaker 2: he wasn't. So I was going back to our house
Speaker 2: every day and checking to see if she'd been fed,
Speaker 2: and she hadn't. And that happened a couple of times,
Speaker 2: and that was when I knew, and I said, you
Speaker 2: need to move out. Now. I put my foot down.
Speaker 2: I'm going to go to Sydney and I'm going to
Speaker 2: get as far away from you as possible on my
Speaker 2: birthday weekend. You can move out in peace. I won't
Speaker 2: be there to watch that happen. While I'm celebrating my bat
Speaker 2: day that weekend I'm in Sydney. He is blowing up
Speaker 2: my phone. He texts me happy birthday, he sends me
Speaker 2: photos from the span of our relationship. He's complimenting me,
Speaker 2: He's telling me he misses me. He's then saying fuck
Speaker 2: all my friends. I don't care about them. I just
Speaker 2: want you, and being really aggressive towards the people that
Speaker 2: love and care about him. But I'm just taking this
Speaker 2: as a win, and I'm saying, Okay, well you need
Speaker 2: to prove it. Let's maybe go on a date or something.
Speaker 2: Let's and I'm trying to talk to him and be,
Speaker 2: you know, open to the fact that he wants He's
Speaker 2: kind of changed his mind, and I thought, okay, him
Speaker 2: moving out is a turning point, and he's realized this
Speaker 2: is not sustainable and he wants back into this relationship.
Speaker 2: So I'm giving him some grace, but I'm not giving
Speaker 2: in fully. I've still got my guard up completely. And
Speaker 2: he's texting me in the middle of the night saying
Speaker 2: that he misses me. Two days after that, I'm at
Speaker 2: work and my friend pulls me into a room and says, hey,
Speaker 2: I've just received a message from my friend who's seen
Speaker 2: Ben on a dating app. I look at the photos
Speaker 2: and I'm completely just numb. It's him, and he's using
Speaker 2: photos from our wedding. I'm instantly just shocked and disgusted,
Speaker 2: and I knew we're done. We are done. That evening,
Speaker 2: I call him and I say, hey, today, I was
Speaker 2: shown photos of you on a dating app. He says, oh,
Speaker 2: I made the profile two nights ago. So the first
Speaker 2: night when he was begging for me back, his first
Speaker 2: night moved out of the house. I say, well why,
Speaker 2: and he says, I just needed the validation, And I said,
Speaker 2: are you not getting that from me? That's what I'm
Speaker 2: here for I'm your wife, and he screamed at me
Speaker 2: and he said this is all your fault and turned
Speaker 2: it on me, and I remember he hung up on me,
Speaker 2: and he texted me and he said, just let me
Speaker 2: enjoy a night with my friends, please. I wasn't even
Speaker 2: going to message him. He then sends me a video
Speaker 2: when I don't reply to that of him deleting Tinder,
Speaker 2: and I reply and I say, well, the screenshot I
Speaker 2: was shown was of Hinge. A few weeks pass I'm
Speaker 2: at the lowest point I've ever been out in my life,
Speaker 2: I think. And when my dad passed away, I ended
Speaker 2: up in hospital one night. I just couldn't see a
Speaker 2: way out, and I thought I was having a heart attack.
Speaker 2: I think I was having a panic attack, and I
Speaker 2: was like, I'm having a heart attack, just like my dad.
Speaker 2: Like it's actually there's no way out of this for me,
Speaker 2: Like I've lost the love of my life, he's moved out,
Speaker 2: he's gone and begged for me back, and the same
Speaker 2: night has made a dating profile like we're done, this
Speaker 2: is done. And that was a real turning point for me.
Speaker 2: I ended up booking in with the GP the next
Speaker 2: day and going on antidepressants that day, and it was
Speaker 2: so clear when I went on those antidepressants that what
Speaker 2: I'd been going through up until that point in April
Speaker 2: was not sustainable. I was coming home every day and
Speaker 2: crying for five hours every night. Every day I'd go
Speaker 2: to work and I'd be a shell of myself and
Speaker 2: work would be my safe place, and it was just
Speaker 2: it was the darkest point I can ever even remember
Speaker 2: going through every in my life. When I went on
Speaker 2: the antidepressants, I became really, really numb to everything was
Speaker 2: happening and kind of reached a state of acceptance. I
Speaker 2: was getting regular counseling and therapy.
Speaker 1: At this point, all contact with Ben was limited to
Speaker 1: financial and legal conversations as they navigated their split.
Speaker 2: Until Ben tells me that Rex Orange County is coming
Speaker 2: to Australia. I know he's really special to us. The
Speaker 2: tickets are on sale, you might want to go. And
Speaker 2: then he says, let's have a session with our counselor,
Speaker 2: which I think is really odd and really strange. I
Speaker 2: ended up contacting our counselor who says, let's book in
Speaker 2: a session, but just with you. And when I speak
Speaker 2: to the counselor, the counselor says, I won't see him anymore,
Speaker 2: and essentially he says that Ben had tried to manipulate
Speaker 2: him into springing a session on me to tell me
Speaker 2: that he's got a new partner. I booked tickets to
Speaker 2: this concept and was planning on going with a friend.
Speaker 2: And then a couple weeks later, I reactivate Instagram and
Speaker 2: I can see that he has someone's initials in his bio.
Speaker 2: So I instantly had this feeling that it was another
Speaker 2: person who had followed me, as she had instantly unfollowed
Speaker 2: me when I reactivated my Instagram, I went on to
Speaker 2: her Instagram account and she had his initials in her bio.
Speaker 2: So they'd been dating for a few months at this point,
Speaker 2: and they could have been overlap. Rex Orange County comes
Speaker 2: along on in September twenty twenty three. I'm with my
Speaker 2: friend and we're in the mosh pit and I turn
Speaker 2: around and I see him and his new girlfriend walk in,
Speaker 2: and I just couldn't help myself. I walked straight up
Speaker 2: to them. I don't know what came over me. I'm
Speaker 2: usually quite shy and non confrontational, and I said, Hi,
Speaker 2: I'm Kate. Has Ben told you that Rex Orange County
Speaker 2: sung our wedding song. She looks at me and shock
Speaker 2: and he says she knows. And I said, you have
Speaker 2: some nerve bringing her here. And he said we're leaving,
Speaker 2: and I said, good go. He leaves. They walk up
Speaker 2: the stairs and they I can see them at a
Speaker 2: different entrance up here. My friend and I just stay
Speaker 2: where we are in the mosh pit down the bottom,
Speaker 2: and he starts gesturing at my friends and waving at her,
Speaker 2: doing weird gestures, and it's so strange until the first
Speaker 2: band comes on and the lights go out. I then
Speaker 2: just try and forget about him. Our wedding song comes on.
Speaker 2: I cried the whole time, but I just thought, I'm
Speaker 2: not going to let him control where I go and
Speaker 2: ruin these special things for me. He used to serenade
Speaker 2: me all of Rex's songs, and so the fact that
Speaker 2: he took her to Rex's concert just felt really sick.
Speaker 2: We end up going through a binding financial agreement and
Speaker 2: seeing each other to sign forms at the police station.
Speaker 2: In November twenty twenty three, Ben comes to the appointment
Speaker 2: at the police station to see the Justice of the
Speaker 2: peace and during this time we're making small talk and
Speaker 2: he admits and apologizes for taking his partner to the concert.
Speaker 2: He admits it was disrespectful and takes full ownership. At
Speaker 2: the end, he gives me a huge hug, and I
Speaker 2: gave him some of the old cards and love letters
Speaker 2: and things that we'd written each other or that I'd
Speaker 2: specifically written to him, and he said, I have a
Speaker 2: kate box at home. I'll never forget you. He gives
Speaker 2: me a big hug, and I think, Okay, this is great.
Speaker 2: We've ended on really good terms. I may never see
Speaker 2: him again.
Speaker 1: Around the time all this was going on, another X reappeared.
Speaker 2: Remember Jake, I go on Instagram and see that amongst
Speaker 2: some of my friendship group and wider circles, my ex
Speaker 2: situationship is being called out online by multiple women for
Speaker 2: instances of sexual assault and abuse. I instantly am distraught
Speaker 2: and all my old trauma gets brought to the surface.
Speaker 2: From twenty thirteen, twenty fourteen, twenty fifteen, I knew that
Speaker 2: this day was going to come. I knew that he
Speaker 2: wouldn't get away with it. I knew, due to the
Speaker 2: amount of women he was involved with and the nature
Speaker 2: of his personality, that I wasn't the only one he
Speaker 2: had impacted, and that one day things may come out
Speaker 2: about him. Two of my exes exes started sharing the
Speaker 2: stories of other women online and I got in touch
Speaker 2: with them. Due to the three years on and off
Speaker 2: that I'd spent with him, I instantly deactivated my Instagram
Speaker 2: as I needed to protect my mental health, and a
Speaker 2: day after the story started coming out, I was sent
Speaker 2: an old video of Jake where he was threatening me,
Speaker 2: saying unspeakable things that I didn't know existed. The video
Speaker 2: had been filmed maybe eight years ago, and it sent
Speaker 2: me into a depression like I'd never experienced before. I
Speaker 2: was at work at the time, and I just remember
Speaker 2: having the panic attack of all panic attacks. I was
Speaker 2: on the ground. I couldn't breathe. I saw this video
Speaker 2: and heard the things that he'd said about me, and
Speaker 2: he'd said horrible things to my face, but these things
Speaker 2: were unspeakable and just discussing vile, threatening things. A week passed,
Speaker 2: and that happened to be during the same week that
Speaker 2: my divorce was going through court, so I needed to
Speaker 2: contact Ben to find out if the divorce was granted.
Speaker 2: He'd been the one to file and pay for it.
Speaker 2: I was clear on that with him, that I wasn't
Speaker 2: going to do that when he was the one that
Speaker 2: chose to leave me, and I email Ben to find
Speaker 2: out if a divorce had been granted. He said yes.
Speaker 2: A few days pass and the situation with my ex
Speaker 2: situationship being called out online is escalating, and I'm feeling
Speaker 2: like I need to share the video so others can
Speaker 2: hear and see what Jake is like firsthand from his
Speaker 2: own voice. I allow his ex to post the video
Speaker 2: with my permission, even though I still don't have Instagram myself,
Speaker 2: and I think that it will help. Even if just
Speaker 2: one other woman sees this video and remembers his face
Speaker 2: and doesn't want to go on a date with him,
Speaker 2: I think that that would be worth it in the end,
Speaker 2: So she posts a video. A week after the video
Speaker 2: is posted, I receive a phone call from the police
Speaker 2: to head down to the station as an IVO was
Speaker 2: waiting for me. I'm beside myself. I'm so anxious, I'm shaking.
Speaker 2: I don't know what to do. I was already in
Speaker 2: a complete state of shock and had been reliving my
Speaker 2: past with Jake that whole week, so I'm very on
Speaker 2: edge when I head to the police station. When I
Speaker 2: get to the police station, I'm handed the papers thinking
Speaker 2: it's from Jake, and the papers were from Ben. The
Speaker 2: IVO essentially is written incoherrently basically stating that I'm benz
Speaker 2: Ex's wife, that I am going to be posting on
Speaker 2: social media about him, that my friend has followed his
Speaker 2: partner on Instagram. I have no idea who this is,
Speaker 2: who's followed her. We have many mutuals, so I truly
Speaker 2: couldn't tell you who could have followed her. That he'd
Speaker 2: broken out in hives, that he couldn't function, that I
Speaker 2: have absolutely no reason to post about him, That I
Speaker 2: stalked him and his partner at the festival and followed
Speaker 2: them for hundreds of meters, That I'd blocked the entrance
Speaker 2: to the mosh pit when I saw them at the concert,
Speaker 2: which again wasn't true. I'd never moved from the center
Speaker 2: of the mosh pit and stopped them from walking back in.
Speaker 2: There was everything in the IVO I could refute and
Speaker 2: had witnesses for, and had evidence for. Essentially, I'm again
Speaker 2: beside myself, completely in shock. I don't know how to
Speaker 2: react to this, and I called my friend who's a
Speaker 2: lawyer to get some help. My lawyer ended up sending
Speaker 2: a letter asking for an undertaking or a withdrawal of
Speaker 2: the IVO, as it was spurious and wasting resources, money
Speaker 2: and time. The IVO was completely hearsay and it couldn't
Speaker 2: be reasonably associated with me. We also really made it
Speaker 2: clear that this is a system that's for vulnerable members
Speaker 2: of the community, and this was a way that he
Speaker 2: was controlling me.
Speaker 1: Kate realized Ben's actions were driven by fear and a
Speaker 1: design to control the narrative after that damaging video surface,
Speaker 1: determined not to let him dictate the outcome. She fought
Speaker 1: through months of legal negotiations before reluctantly accepting a one
Speaker 1: year court undertaking to avoid being dragged through further turmoil.
Speaker 2: While this was happening and he was sign up the undertaking,
Speaker 2: I was taken into the support office at the court
Speaker 2: and the support worker that normally supports the person who
Speaker 2: lodges the undertaking came in and said, Hey, Kate, I've
Speaker 2: just read your case. We have all been watching him
Speaker 2: and his girlfriend all day. They're in the safe room
Speaker 2: of the court right now. They have been giggling away
Speaker 2: all day. She's like, I can see right through this instantly,
Speaker 2: and the strong feminist in me wants you to fight
Speaker 2: this undertaking and fight this IVO. And I just said,
Speaker 2: I appreciate you so much. Thank you for saying that.
Speaker 2: Thank you for believing me when you haven't even heard
Speaker 2: it from my mouth. Thank you. I was crying. My
Speaker 2: mum was next to me, and she was crying. And
Speaker 2: they said, I had no idea he was even in
Speaker 2: the court I thought he'd be zooming in for it.
Speaker 2: I had no idea he was even in the same
Speaker 2: building as me. And turns out he'd been sitting there
Speaker 2: with his girlfriend laughing the whole morning and making a
Speaker 2: mockery of the system. And she was like, we have
Speaker 2: all been watching them and thinking, what are they even
Speaker 2: doing back there? It is not okay. And so she
Speaker 2: instantly said, I think you should fight this, and I
Speaker 2: just said I can't. I have no fight left in me.
Speaker 2: Let me sign this one year document and be out
Speaker 2: of here. So when I went into the courtroom, I
Speaker 2: was shaking head to toe. I could hear him and
Speaker 2: his girlfriend on the other side of the barrier. They
Speaker 2: were hid him from me, so I couldn't see them.
Speaker 2: They talked the whole time as the judge was starting.
Speaker 2: I guess the hearing, the judge basically said I'm not
Speaker 2: to do the things on the undertaking. I can't go
Speaker 2: within one hundred meters of his work. I think we
Speaker 2: edited that to one hundred from two hundred because he
Speaker 2: works three hundred meters from me, and essentially I'm not
Speaker 2: allowed to contact him do all those things, which I
Speaker 2: had no intention of doing anyway. It was honestly just
Speaker 2: heartbreaking because I've never ever had a situation like that
Speaker 2: where I've had to deal with the courts, deal with
Speaker 2: police anything at all, and he was just using it
Speaker 2: as a way to control me and control the narrative.
Speaker 2: I leave the court with my mum and decide, Okay,
Speaker 2: I'm going to move on with my life. I'm going
Speaker 2: to take my long service leave and I'm going to
Speaker 2: book the trip of a lifetime and I'll go to
Speaker 2: Europe for nine weeks. It was truly the most life changing,
Speaker 2: freeing experience, and everything about that trip was perfect. Visited
Speaker 2: some of the places we went on our honeymoon, and
Speaker 2: rewrote those memories. I reclaimed those memories. I went back
Speaker 2: to the same tatoo artists in Amsterdam and got my
Speaker 2: tatoo changed so it no longer matches his. I just
Speaker 2: did things for me and for me alone, and it
Speaker 2: was the best experience of my life. I was able
Speaker 2: to be alone with my thoughts. I was able to
Speaker 2: think through a lot of the trauma that I'd been
Speaker 2: through with him. I was able to create so many
Speaker 2: new memories. I was able to really reflect on some
Speaker 2: of those red flags, and when I got back, I
Speaker 2: was like a whole new person. I'd found my spark again,
Speaker 2: my happiness again. I'd even been open to the idea
Speaker 2: of dating again and met a couple of guys while
Speaker 2: over there. While nothing romantic happened, it was just great
Speaker 2: to put myself out there again. And everyone had said
Speaker 2: to me in those last couple of years, I think
Speaker 2: you should start dating. It'll help you get over him,
Speaker 2: because I was just holding on to him and I
Speaker 2: was always thinking about him and loving him. But I
Speaker 2: really on that trip accepted I loved a version of
Speaker 2: him that no longer existed, and I really needed to
Speaker 2: come to terms with that, and I think I did
Speaker 2: on that trip, and it was just this turning point
Speaker 2: in my life. When I got back, not long enough,
Speaker 2: I found out that he'd gotten engaged and had been
Speaker 2: in Europe at the same time as me. Thank goodness,
Speaker 2: I didn't know while I was there on my trip.
Speaker 2: Recently I heard he said to my friend that he's
Speaker 2: been doing so well since his big reset two years ago.
Speaker 2: And it's true. He reset his life, he pressed reset.
Speaker 2: He has only a couple of the same friends that
Speaker 2: he did when him and I were together. I never
Speaker 2: asked anyone to two sides. He did it for them.
Speaker 2: He blocked everyone. Everyone is blocked. My best friend's dog
Speaker 2: is blocked on Instagram. It is so crazy to think
Speaker 2: that this person has taken such lengths to restart their
Speaker 2: whole life. My whole family was devastated. My mom was devastated,
Speaker 2: my sister, my niece, everyone was just completely heartbroken and
Speaker 2: never got a chance to have a goodbye, never got closure.
Speaker 2: It was just one day. He blocked everyone and never
Speaker 2: spoke to anyone again. And so now I'm thirty and
Speaker 2: I'm a divorce a and I'm really leaning into that stereotype.
Speaker 2: It's very chic, I think. After Europe, I've just started
Speaker 2: dating again, and I've actually had some of the funnest
Speaker 2: dates of my life and have met some really great,
Speaker 2: awesome people through the dating I thought going into it,
Speaker 2: I was so anxious. It took me two and a
Speaker 2: half years to be able to start dating again after him,
Speaker 2: and he'd already gotten engaged in that time, and I
Speaker 2: hadn't even kissed another man or held another man's hand,
Speaker 2: and he'd already gotten engaged. And I just thought I
Speaker 2: was the most boring, unlovable, unattractive person. And now I
Speaker 2: just I feel like I've learned how to flirt. I'm
Speaker 2: actually enjoying the dating experience. I feel like I've found
Speaker 2: my confidence and sexuality again. All the men I've been
Speaker 2: on dates with have told me you are so much fun, Kate,
Speaker 2: you are so much fun organically, And it's actually been
Speaker 2: so uplifting and so enlightening to hear that about myself
Speaker 2: when he really made me feel like I was so
Speaker 2: boring and so worthless. I don't know if I'll ever
Speaker 2: trust anyone again. I definitely have trust issues, and I
Speaker 2: think about how my dad will never get to walk
Speaker 2: me down the aisle again. But I've learned so much
Speaker 2: from the experience, and I'm just having so much fun
Speaker 2: now restarting my own life with the same friends, the
Speaker 2: same house, the same cat, and yeah, it's just been
Speaker 2: such a joy finding myself again and finding my spark again.
Speaker 2: I truly feel like I'm the happiest I've ever been
Speaker 2: right now, and just I feel like I'm succeeding in
Speaker 2: every aspect of my life except for romance. But that's okay.
Speaker 2: It's just casual and no pressure up right now. I'm
Speaker 2: just having so much fun. So I do think everything
Speaker 2: happens for a reason.
Speaker 1: Everyone has an ex is a Minti Media production, proudly
Speaker 1: part of the Mum and mea network. This episode is
Speaker 1: written and produced by Linda Scott. Interview conducted and the
Speaker 1: episode narrated by me Georgia Love. If you have a
Speaker 1: story you'd like to share, email podcast at momamea dot
Speaker 1: com dot au. You can support us by following the
Speaker 1: show and your favorite podcast up and leaving a five
Speaker 1: star review. We'll see you for the next episode.
Speaker 2: Thinks