WEBVTT - Family Ties 0:00:12.850 --> 0:00:19.130 You're listening to a Mother mea podcast. Mamma Mia acknowledges 0:00:19.210 --> 0:00:22.050 the traditional owners of the land and waters. This podcast 0:00:22.130 --> 0:00:33.210 is recorded on. On this podcast, we've spoken about great relationships, 0:00:33.410 --> 0:00:38.170 terrible relationships, broken relationships, and all those relationships in between. 0:00:38.570 --> 0:00:41.250 But there's another kind. We don't talk about that often, 0:00:41.650 --> 0:00:45.210 perhaps because it's not really a relationship yet we all 0:00:45.250 --> 0:00:45.930 know about it. 0:00:46.290 --> 0:00:48.930 Everyone that we were friends. We knew that we were something, 0:00:49.090 --> 0:00:51.610 but they didn't know what we were. So it was 0:00:51.650 --> 0:00:53.610 we were the people that always shed a bed, but 0:00:53.650 --> 0:00:56.010 we were just friends. But then people didn't really know 0:00:56.410 --> 0:00:58.570 what was happening. But we were always together and we 0:00:58.570 --> 0:01:01.730 were always there was always touching and hugging, and people 0:01:01.730 --> 0:01:03.450 would always ask me, what are you and I'd be like, 0:01:03.490 --> 0:01:04.970 we're just best best best friends. 0:01:05.370 --> 0:01:09.770 That's right, dear listener. This situationship, while not having a title, 0:01:09.850 --> 0:01:13.810 they can be just as intense, confusing, or consuming and 0:01:13.890 --> 0:01:17.330 chaotic as something more official. Just ask Amanda. 0:01:17.770 --> 0:01:19.890 You don't want to overreact, and you don't want to 0:01:20.770 --> 0:01:23.290 seeing like you're too into them because they're going to 0:01:23.410 --> 0:01:26.090 not be into you. And I thought I knew what 0:01:26.210 --> 0:01:30.130 we were and then at the time I was just 0:01:30.370 --> 0:01:33.730 utterly confused and utterly panicked. I think about losing something 0:01:33.730 --> 0:01:36.970 that I had more than anything else. My heart was 0:01:37.050 --> 0:01:39.490 definitely hurting in a way that I'd never felt it 0:01:39.570 --> 0:01:40.050 hurt before. 0:01:49.490 --> 0:01:51.930 I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an X. 0:01:52.130 --> 0:01:54.450 Come with me as we dive into a collection of 0:01:54.650 --> 0:01:59.170 unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the 0:01:59.210 --> 0:02:02.930 hearts of the very people who lived them. Today's story 0:02:03.050 --> 0:02:06.890 is about Amanda and Aaron double a buddies at high school, 0:02:06.970 --> 0:02:10.050 the very best of friends. They really were meant to be. 0:02:10.610 --> 0:02:12.530 I met Aaron in huh high school. We were in 0:02:12.570 --> 0:02:15.450 the same year level, and he went on an excursion 0:02:15.450 --> 0:02:18.370 with my best friend at the time, and then she 0:02:18.490 --> 0:02:20.050 came back and she was like, you have to meet 0:02:20.090 --> 0:02:21.730 this guy. I just know you're going to get along. 0:02:22.130 --> 0:02:25.810 And then he and I met and we just clicked immediately. 0:02:25.850 --> 0:02:28.130 And I had this group of girlfriends and we were 0:02:28.130 --> 0:02:30.490 always together, and then he was leading the guys in 0:02:30.490 --> 0:02:34.010 a way, so we bonded and formed the group together 0:02:34.090 --> 0:02:36.130 a little bit. And that was I think year eleven, 0:02:36.210 --> 0:02:39.410 so I was seventeen years old. So we started as friends, 0:02:39.450 --> 0:02:42.850 but it quickly went into best friends and just very close, 0:02:42.890 --> 0:02:45.130 a little bit maybe competitive with each other, a little 0:02:45.170 --> 0:02:48.250 bit like enjoying each other's power struggle a little bit 0:02:48.290 --> 0:02:51.170 in high school as it is. And then I would 0:02:51.250 --> 0:02:53.250 host a lot of events and the parties, and he 0:02:53.250 --> 0:02:55.410 would always encourage that, and he would come and bring 0:02:55.450 --> 0:02:58.850 all the boys and have fun. Then we got very, 0:02:58.930 --> 0:03:01.930 very close, and we started to really bond about just 0:03:02.330 --> 0:03:04.490 our families, and he started to come over to my 0:03:04.530 --> 0:03:06.770 house a lot and things like that. I think what 0:03:06.890 --> 0:03:09.010 drew me to him was he had a really like 0:03:09.130 --> 0:03:11.650 leadership power vibe to him. He was always in control. 0:03:12.170 --> 0:03:13.770 He was always the coolest guy in the room. He 0:03:13.770 --> 0:03:15.650 would like tell a joke in the whole room would 0:03:15.690 --> 0:03:17.890 laugh at it like one of those guys. And I 0:03:17.930 --> 0:03:20.370 was really drawn to that because I really thought that, 0:03:20.450 --> 0:03:21.970 like we were a little bit of a power couple, 0:03:22.010 --> 0:03:24.010 Like we would not power in the sense of, you know, 0:03:24.050 --> 0:03:25.810 controlling people with power in the sense of we'd get 0:03:25.810 --> 0:03:27.330 everyone to come to the parties and to do the 0:03:27.450 --> 0:03:30.050 things and to do the fun activities. And it was 0:03:30.210 --> 0:03:32.970 a very drawn to each other. It was probably the 0:03:33.050 --> 0:03:35.370 year after we finished high school, and it was when 0:03:35.410 --> 0:03:37.290 I started to spend a lot of time in his house. 0:03:37.330 --> 0:03:40.690 And everyone sort of knew we were something without being something, 0:03:40.730 --> 0:03:43.890 I guess, and everyone could see we were extremely close, 0:03:43.930 --> 0:03:46.410 and we went to everything together, and we left everything together, 0:03:46.450 --> 0:03:50.130 and we were always just together. He made me feel 0:03:50.370 --> 0:03:55.570 very seen, I think, and he made me feel very funny, 0:03:55.610 --> 0:03:58.370 and he really enjoyed my personality, and he enjoyed my quirks, 0:03:58.370 --> 0:04:00.650 and he thought that, you know, when I was silly, 0:04:00.890 --> 0:04:03.250 I was being hilarious, and that made me feel really safe. 0:04:03.250 --> 0:04:06.250 And he made me feel very like someone was really 0:04:06.290 --> 0:04:08.050 looking at me for the first time and just really 0:04:08.130 --> 0:04:11.610 lacking every single thing about me, which was really enjoy 0:04:11.730 --> 0:04:13.330 able and quite a dictal to be around. 0:04:13.690 --> 0:04:16.770 I think we can all see where this friendship was headed. 0:04:17.290 --> 0:04:19.610 My parents went through a really bad divorce when I 0:04:19.690 --> 0:04:22.850 left you twelve, and I remember my eighteenth birthday was 0:04:22.850 --> 0:04:24.490 the day that they had to sell my house, and 0:04:24.530 --> 0:04:27.730 it was this awful, horrible thing. So I was drawn 0:04:27.770 --> 0:04:30.490 to him and his family because he was very much like, 0:04:30.570 --> 0:04:32.410 come and spend all your time with us, and he 0:04:32.890 --> 0:04:34.970 had a beautiful house and we would go and just 0:04:35.050 --> 0:04:36.730 I'd spend all my time there with his mum and 0:04:36.770 --> 0:04:39.250 with his brother, and we would just hang out and 0:04:39.290 --> 0:04:41.610 I felt very safe there. So it got to a 0:04:41.650 --> 0:04:44.050 point where, like a couple of years in, I was 0:04:44.050 --> 0:04:46.250 probably spending four or five nights a week in his house, 0:04:46.810 --> 0:04:48.690 and when I was there, we always shared a bed 0:04:48.770 --> 0:04:51.130 and it was always very like loving and couplely, and 0:04:51.170 --> 0:04:53.130 it was like we were a couple without ever really 0:04:53.170 --> 0:04:56.530 being a couple in a way. Definitely started as staying 0:04:56.530 --> 0:04:59.450 on the couch, staying in like not being together at all, 0:04:59.490 --> 0:05:02.530 and then it progressed to there was one night we 0:05:02.530 --> 0:05:04.890 were out at a bar or something, and then we 0:05:04.930 --> 0:05:07.410 came home and he just sort of went, you've had 0:05:07.410 --> 0:05:08.770 a really bad day, would you want to stay in 0:05:08.850 --> 0:05:11.610 bed with me? And then it went to this really comfy, 0:05:11.770 --> 0:05:14.090 cuddly placed and then it just became the norm that 0:05:14.130 --> 0:05:17.130 we were in bed together, and we would even on 0:05:17.170 --> 0:05:19.250 holidays with friends, we would share a bed together, or 0:05:19.330 --> 0:05:21.450 he would invite me into the bed and like, but 0:05:21.530 --> 0:05:24.290 it was always a if you would like to come in, 0:05:24.610 --> 0:05:26.410 you can sort of thing, and I would always be like, well, 0:05:26.450 --> 0:05:27.770 I do want to come in, So I would go 0:05:27.810 --> 0:05:30.610 and get in bed with him. It was very cuddly 0:05:30.650 --> 0:05:32.770 and very you know, you're safe here if you're not 0:05:32.810 --> 0:05:35.650 safe anywhere else. That sort of thing, and we would 0:05:35.650 --> 0:05:40.050 spend hours in bed just talking and cuddling and just 0:05:40.090 --> 0:05:42.690 spending time together really and it felt really good at 0:05:42.690 --> 0:05:45.690 the time if a very like I'd found a person 0:05:45.730 --> 0:05:47.930 and only I knew that person, and that person wanted 0:05:47.930 --> 0:05:49.410 me to be there, even if he couldn't admit it 0:05:49.410 --> 0:05:52.250 to anyone else, he wanted me there sort of. So 0:05:52.370 --> 0:05:54.410 I was very happy to be there for most of 0:05:54.450 --> 0:05:57.450 the time, and probably for the first three years, I 0:05:57.490 --> 0:06:00.410 was very happy to be there just contently in his 0:06:00.450 --> 0:06:03.730 little cuddle sort of area. I think I realized I 0:06:03.810 --> 0:06:06.050 was falling for him at the end of high school, 0:06:06.130 --> 0:06:08.810 especially when my family break downside to happen. I think 0:06:09.130 --> 0:06:12.010 he became a really safe place, and I remember remember 0:06:12.890 --> 0:06:15.250 after a big argument with my family in an awful day, 0:06:15.410 --> 0:06:17.010 I would just go to his house and he would 0:06:17.010 --> 0:06:18.930 just take me in and he would just put me 0:06:18.970 --> 0:06:20.770 in bed with him, and it was this really sweet 0:06:20.810 --> 0:06:24.970 moment of just feeling very loved and very safe. About 0:06:25.010 --> 0:06:27.450 a year into sharing a bed together a couple of 0:06:27.530 --> 0:06:29.490 nights a week, it was probably the first time something 0:06:29.570 --> 0:06:32.090 sexual happened, and I was over the moon because I 0:06:32.090 --> 0:06:34.050 thought he was falling in love with me, and I 0:06:34.090 --> 0:06:36.770 thought he was into me, and I thought I'd met 0:06:36.810 --> 0:06:39.610 someone who was playing hard to get, but he made 0:06:39.610 --> 0:06:42.850 me feel very safe. The vibe the next morning after 0:06:42.930 --> 0:06:45.850 we did something sexual was pretty chill. Actually, we just 0:06:45.930 --> 0:06:47.650 kind of kept going as normal. It felt a bit 0:06:47.690 --> 0:06:50.290 more cupply. I actually remember we went to a football game. 0:06:50.330 --> 0:06:52.610 We went straight to we met some friends out and 0:06:53.170 --> 0:06:54.970 I remember seeing this sort of being like, ooh, that's 0:06:55.010 --> 0:06:57.810 my guy, because it felt like we were starting a relationship. 0:06:57.850 --> 0:07:00.490 We were starting something and we were so close at 0:07:00.490 --> 0:07:02.730 that point because we talked all the time and we 0:07:02.730 --> 0:07:05.810 were together all the time, and it felt really nice 0:07:05.850 --> 0:07:09.250 to be in something definitely and like very very connected 0:07:09.370 --> 0:07:12.330 to someone. I told him about my feelings. It was 0:07:12.370 --> 0:07:15.810 sort of a It was a scary moment for me 0:07:15.890 --> 0:07:18.450 because I wasn't very good at sharing my feelings. I 0:07:18.450 --> 0:07:21.450 thought it was also just definitely happening naturally by itself. 0:07:21.490 --> 0:07:24.730 And he would always sort of make jokes about like, oh, 0:07:24.770 --> 0:07:26.090 I know, you have a crush on me, and I 0:07:26.130 --> 0:07:27.890 would always be like, oh, yeah, you know a little bit. 0:07:27.930 --> 0:07:29.290 And it was a bit of a game we were 0:07:29.290 --> 0:07:32.810 playing with each other. And I did tell him a 0:07:32.850 --> 0:07:35.490 couple of times oh, I think that I'm really falling 0:07:35.490 --> 0:07:37.370 for you. And he would always be like, oh, you're 0:07:37.370 --> 0:07:39.410 so silly, and like brushed off a little bit. But 0:07:39.450 --> 0:07:42.170 then it was always the actions were so different. It 0:07:42.210 --> 0:07:44.130 was always a come and sleep and bear with me afterwards, 0:07:44.130 --> 0:07:46.890 and then something sexual would happen, and you know that 0:07:46.930 --> 0:07:50.450 sort of thing. So I always assumed it was always reciprocated, 0:07:50.530 --> 0:07:52.770 just never able to say it was where we're at. 0:07:52.890 --> 0:07:55.650 But a couple of times he did say it. He 0:07:55.690 --> 0:07:57.570 would say it or he would tell it to someone 0:07:57.570 --> 0:07:59.210 else and they would tell me, and I was just 0:07:59.330 --> 0:08:01.090 very like, Oh, we're just in this little thing together. 0:08:01.690 --> 0:08:05.330 And this little thing continued for quite some time. 0:08:05.970 --> 0:08:08.170 We were about three years in at this point, and 0:08:08.610 --> 0:08:10.490 we were spending some time with some friends. They were 0:08:10.530 --> 0:08:13.970 actually doing tough better. We was a normal week. I 0:08:13.970 --> 0:08:15.810 spent a couple of weeks at night to his house. 0:08:15.810 --> 0:08:18.730 That week, I had dinner with his family, I was 0:08:18.970 --> 0:08:21.130 watching TV with his brother and doing these kind of things. 0:08:21.130 --> 0:08:24.130 I was really part of his life. And the night 0:08:24.450 --> 0:08:27.570 we had a big party and I watched him take 0:08:27.610 --> 0:08:29.970 my best friend into his room to hook up with her, 0:08:30.370 --> 0:08:33.410 and I just felt something change in my body and 0:08:33.450 --> 0:08:36.050 I just for the first time felt pure anxiety that 0:08:36.090 --> 0:08:39.410 I've never felt before, and I remember just sort of 0:08:39.930 --> 0:08:43.130 looking back and just feeling my whole body start to panic. 0:08:43.690 --> 0:08:45.370 And he just did it. He just took her in 0:08:45.410 --> 0:08:47.050 there and he was like, yep, this is what we're 0:08:47.090 --> 0:08:49.130 doing and closed the door. And I had to wait 0:08:49.250 --> 0:08:52.290 for the whole night sleeping on the couch for them too, 0:08:52.290 --> 0:08:54.090 because I was able to drive home, so I had 0:08:54.090 --> 0:08:55.650 to sleep on the couch and wait for the next 0:08:55.730 --> 0:08:58.690 morning for them to reappear. And the whole night I 0:08:58.770 --> 0:09:01.250 just lay there and just waited with the anxiety just 0:09:01.290 --> 0:09:03.090 building up inside me. I didn't know what to do, 0:09:03.130 --> 0:09:04.770 and I didn't know if I should call someone, and 0:09:04.770 --> 0:09:06.770 then I didn't think. I didn't know if I was 0:09:06.770 --> 0:09:10.330 being ridiculous. My best friend and everyone that we were friends. 0:09:10.410 --> 0:09:12.610 We knew that we were some thing, but they didn't 0:09:12.610 --> 0:09:14.970 know what we were. So we were the people that 0:09:15.010 --> 0:09:17.290 always shared a bed, but we were just friends. But 0:09:17.370 --> 0:09:19.890 then people didn't really know what was happening. But we 0:09:19.890 --> 0:09:22.890 were always together and we were always there was always 0:09:22.930 --> 0:09:25.450 touching and hugging in anytime there was alcohol involved. He 0:09:25.530 --> 0:09:27.130 was way too close to me, and it was always 0:09:27.130 --> 0:09:30.090 that sort of. We were very very very close, and 0:09:30.090 --> 0:09:32.610 no one quite understood, and people would always ask me, 0:09:32.650 --> 0:09:34.170 what are you and I'd be like, we're just we're 0:09:34.210 --> 0:09:36.290 just best best best friends, you know, and it was 0:09:36.330 --> 0:09:38.930 hard to explain what we were. So she thought the 0:09:38.970 --> 0:09:41.730 same thing. She was like, they're just really really really close, 0:09:41.930 --> 0:09:45.170 and why would anyone pursue someone if they were with 0:09:45.170 --> 0:09:49.170 someone else. He most definitely pursued her, and he made 0:09:49.210 --> 0:09:51.410 her feel like there was nothing going on between him 0:09:51.490 --> 0:09:54.090 and I, so she didn't think that there was anything 0:09:54.170 --> 0:09:57.290 happening between us when she pursued things back with him. 0:09:58.130 --> 0:10:01.650 I didn't want to overreact. When you're nineteen years old 0:10:01.730 --> 0:10:04.210 and it's the first boy you've ever had a crush on, 0:10:04.250 --> 0:10:06.290 you don't want to overreact, and you don't want to 0:10:07.170 --> 0:10:09.930 seem like you're too into them because they're gonna not 0:10:10.010 --> 0:10:13.050 be into you. And I thought I knew what we were. 0:10:13.450 --> 0:10:17.690 And then at the time, I was just utterly confused 0:10:17.730 --> 0:10:20.730 and utterly panicked. I think about losing something that I had. 0:10:21.730 --> 0:10:26.850 So the next morning I drove her home actually, and 0:10:26.930 --> 0:10:28.930 I went home and I went straight to bed, and 0:10:29.010 --> 0:10:32.210 I started to just question everything, and I went over 0:10:32.250 --> 0:10:34.330 and over in my head. I didn't actually even talk 0:10:34.370 --> 0:10:36.490 to him the next morning. I just couldn't face it, 0:10:36.570 --> 0:10:41.370 and I went to bed, and I remember he came 0:10:41.410 --> 0:10:43.250 over that night and he was just like he just 0:10:43.330 --> 0:10:45.490 kept asking me what was wrong, and I kept saying, 0:10:46.010 --> 0:10:48.970 I don't understand why you would have done that, and 0:10:49.010 --> 0:10:52.370 then he started to get more and more and more angry. 0:10:52.890 --> 0:10:55.170 And that was the first time I ever saw the 0:10:55.210 --> 0:10:57.570 anger side of him, which was this I can do 0:10:57.650 --> 0:11:01.130 anything I want side, and then I have a really 0:11:01.170 --> 0:11:03.290 clear image of it in my head. He looked me 0:11:03.290 --> 0:11:04.690 down in the eye and he was like, I never 0:11:04.730 --> 0:11:08.130 promised you anything, And that was the first time I 0:11:08.170 --> 0:11:10.770 really saw that side of him, and it was a 0:11:10.770 --> 0:11:13.930 whole new side that I never really I was always 0:11:14.050 --> 0:11:16.170 very safe and very open with him, and then suddenly 0:11:16.170 --> 0:11:18.690 it was a who were you to think or that 0:11:18.690 --> 0:11:21.410 we are anything sort of reaction. And he did say 0:11:21.450 --> 0:11:23.290 to me, you are making this all up in your head, 0:11:23.970 --> 0:11:26.330 and at nineteen, I went, I must be making this 0:11:26.410 --> 0:11:28.530 all up in my head, and so I believed him, 0:11:28.610 --> 0:11:32.250 and I definitely just spent the next two weeks just 0:11:32.290 --> 0:11:34.970 trying to dampen down my anxiety and tell myself I 0:11:35.010 --> 0:11:38.370 was being ridiculous. So I calmed myself down. I went 0:11:38.410 --> 0:11:40.650 back to normal, and we rebuilt a friendship and I 0:11:40.650 --> 0:11:44.250 didn't think about it again. And it was different though. 0:11:44.330 --> 0:11:46.770 After that, everything was a little bit different. Something was 0:11:46.810 --> 0:11:51.490 a little bit more. I was trying hard to rebuild 0:11:51.490 --> 0:11:53.930 a friendship that he was a bit like above me. 0:11:54.010 --> 0:11:56.410 Now there was something that was different in our dynamic. 0:11:56.970 --> 0:11:59.610 We didn't agree on what was happening, but we didn't 0:11:59.890 --> 0:12:02.530 talk about it either. So if I said to him 0:12:02.610 --> 0:12:05.090 I thought we were becoming something, I thought you had 0:12:05.090 --> 0:12:06.930 feelings to me, he would just brush me off. And 0:12:06.970 --> 0:12:09.930 I didn't want to lose him, so I kept doing 0:12:09.930 --> 0:12:11.650 what we were doing, and we were just best friends. 0:12:11.810 --> 0:12:14.050 We just we did pull back. We stopped sharing a 0:12:14.050 --> 0:12:17.850 bed as much, and we stopped engaging in anything sexual 0:12:17.930 --> 0:12:22.010 after that that much, and then it became a much 0:12:22.130 --> 0:12:25.690 more about taking care of me. I think he knew 0:12:25.690 --> 0:12:28.170 that I was enjoying having a place to go. I 0:12:28.170 --> 0:12:31.250 hadn't quite figured out my family situation yet, and so 0:12:31.570 --> 0:12:34.890 it became much more, Oh, she needs me, so I'm 0:12:34.970 --> 0:12:35.770 giving this to her. 0:12:37.250 --> 0:12:39.730 Soon enough, the sexual side picked back up too. 0:12:40.330 --> 0:12:43.130 It stayed as this strange thing that sometimes would happen 0:12:43.170 --> 0:12:46.010 when we were drinking, or especially if he drank a lot, 0:12:46.050 --> 0:12:47.610 it would happen all the time, and there would be 0:12:47.690 --> 0:12:49.850 declarations of love and there would be a lot of things, 0:12:49.930 --> 0:12:52.610 and it was always like his true feelings came out 0:12:52.650 --> 0:12:55.290 if he had a little bit of alcohol, but anytime 0:12:55.290 --> 0:12:58.290 he was sober, he was so controlled and so calculated, 0:12:58.330 --> 0:13:01.010 and so no, no, no, this is this is what we 0:13:01.050 --> 0:13:03.690 are sort of thing. And then it became a don't 0:13:03.850 --> 0:13:06.770 question it anymore. It became if you want to be 0:13:06.770 --> 0:13:09.650 in each other's lives, you don't question it anymore. You're 0:13:09.690 --> 0:13:12.370 just here. But at the same time, we were basically married, 0:13:12.730 --> 0:13:15.690 like we spent every day together. We did everything together, 0:13:15.850 --> 0:13:18.370 we were in each other's families, we would go to 0:13:18.410 --> 0:13:21.810 family functions together. We were talking all day every day. 0:13:21.930 --> 0:13:25.170 It was a full blown relationship. So I didn't even 0:13:25.210 --> 0:13:28.010 have any space for anything else because I was in 0:13:28.050 --> 0:13:30.250 a relationship with this person. I was so attached to 0:13:30.290 --> 0:13:32.530 this person and it felt like, yeah, it felt like 0:13:32.570 --> 0:13:35.650 a full on husband. I was completely in love with him, 0:13:36.050 --> 0:13:37.690 and I was in love with the idea of our 0:13:37.690 --> 0:13:39.490 life together, I think, and I didn't want to let 0:13:39.490 --> 0:13:41.850 that go. And I loved being involved with his family, 0:13:41.890 --> 0:13:45.250 and I loved being just with him and safe with him. 0:13:45.330 --> 0:13:47.450 And there was a couple of times where he would 0:13:47.450 --> 0:13:49.250 tell me he loved me back, and we had these 0:13:49.250 --> 0:13:53.410 amazing moments, and I just I was completely smitten and 0:13:53.690 --> 0:13:57.330 fallen for him. I think my body was reacting more 0:13:57.370 --> 0:13:59.290 to the ups and downs than my brain was. I 0:13:59.290 --> 0:14:02.890 think I got very used to ignoring what my gut 0:14:03.010 --> 0:14:05.970 was telling me, especially after that first time. When I 0:14:06.050 --> 0:14:10.050 did that on purpose, I would start to get quite sick. 0:14:10.650 --> 0:14:13.530 I gained weight, I got more and more anxious, and 0:14:13.570 --> 0:14:16.770 more and more issues like that, and I started to 0:14:16.810 --> 0:14:20.210 do things like my hair wouldn't grow very quickly, and 0:14:20.290 --> 0:14:22.170 just I was always just a bit sick and always 0:14:22.170 --> 0:14:25.610 just a bit off, and my gut was always really bad. 0:14:25.650 --> 0:14:28.450 And I remember going to doctors for stomach problems and 0:14:28.490 --> 0:14:31.130 things like that, and it was usually always your anxious 0:14:31.730 --> 0:14:33.410 and I would go, I don't know what I'm anxious about, 0:14:33.450 --> 0:14:35.930 and I would never figure it out. And then a 0:14:35.930 --> 0:14:38.930 lot of it had to do with this relationship that 0:14:39.010 --> 0:14:41.690 wasn't really a relationship, but it was just slowly kind 0:14:41.690 --> 0:14:46.250 of tearing me apart a little bit. So he simultaneously 0:14:46.370 --> 0:14:48.210 was my best friend in the entire world, and the 0:14:48.210 --> 0:14:50.410 person I told everything to and who was there for 0:14:50.450 --> 0:14:52.770 me all the time, but also the person who was 0:14:53.090 --> 0:14:56.490 very slowly messing with my confidence and my self esteem 0:14:56.530 --> 0:15:00.330 and everything about me, but I never quite noticed. I 0:15:00.490 --> 0:15:02.570 think I was holding onto the idea of what we 0:15:02.730 --> 0:15:05.370 could be, and I was holding onto the idea of 0:15:05.450 --> 0:15:07.490 the safety that I had with him, and I was 0:15:07.530 --> 0:15:12.410 holding on to the idea of I needed this, I 0:15:12.450 --> 0:15:15.890 needed this person to survive, and he knew exactly how 0:15:15.930 --> 0:15:18.370 to make it seem that way too. He knew exactly 0:15:18.410 --> 0:15:22.130 how to make me feel like, oh, this is this 0:15:22.210 --> 0:15:25.090 is what I need because I can't function without him. 0:15:25.450 --> 0:15:27.330 And he would always sort of do this like you know, 0:15:27.490 --> 0:15:29.530 I'm here for you, and I'm here for you, and 0:15:29.530 --> 0:15:32.330 I'd be like, yeah, I know, like it's great, and 0:15:32.370 --> 0:15:35.090 he would always push that side of things to the 0:15:35.170 --> 0:15:37.810 point where I didn't even realize how much he was 0:15:37.890 --> 0:15:40.370 kind of skewing things a little bit. I think I 0:15:40.450 --> 0:15:44.570 had gotten over the truly deeply first love love for 0:15:44.650 --> 0:15:47.050 him at that point, but I think I was extremely 0:15:47.210 --> 0:15:49.130 close to him, and I think I was still in 0:15:49.170 --> 0:15:52.130 love with him. It felt like a five ten years 0:15:52.130 --> 0:15:54.890 in relationship with a husband at that point, because we 0:15:54.970 --> 0:15:57.730 knew each other so well and we'd gone through things 0:15:57.730 --> 0:16:01.050 together at that point, and I was deeply in love 0:16:01.050 --> 0:16:03.490 with him, but he was also just my best friend. 0:16:03.570 --> 0:16:06.050 He was the person that I wanted to spend all 0:16:06.050 --> 0:16:07.970 my time with who knew me better than anyone else 0:16:08.130 --> 0:16:11.210 who I think there was also a sense of panic 0:16:11.250 --> 0:16:13.250 in it now, a little bit like I couldn't live 0:16:13.290 --> 0:16:15.490 without him, Like I didn't know what to do without him. 0:16:15.490 --> 0:16:17.650 I didn't know how to detach. I didn't know how 0:16:17.370 --> 0:16:20.890 to be myself, so I needed him. 0:16:21.290 --> 0:16:24.650 It was incredibly confusing and seemingly not good for her, 0:16:25.010 --> 0:16:27.370 but she kept it going as it was because she 0:16:27.410 --> 0:16:30.530 couldn't bear the thought of losing her person, a concept 0:16:30.570 --> 0:16:34.330 she didn't think she'd ever have to comprehend until. 0:16:34.250 --> 0:16:36.770 Five years after we met. But three years into this 0:16:37.210 --> 0:16:40.410 very close relationship we had, he found out Who's moving 0:16:40.450 --> 0:16:43.690 to Sydney for work and he got Groven a great opportunity. 0:16:44.170 --> 0:16:48.010 I was devastated. I was really, really really upset, and 0:16:48.970 --> 0:16:51.450 I would cry and I would get really stressed. I 0:16:51.450 --> 0:16:53.330 would ask a lot of questions about, well, what does 0:16:53.370 --> 0:16:55.610 that mean for us? And why are you leaving and 0:16:55.690 --> 0:16:58.370 this sort of thing, and I did get really hurt 0:16:58.370 --> 0:17:00.810 by the idea of him leading. And a lot of 0:17:00.810 --> 0:17:02.970 that was my own anxieties because I'd obviously been through 0:17:02.970 --> 0:17:06.170 a lot with my family, but it was also just 0:17:06.450 --> 0:17:09.010 having this person who I don't really know what they are, 0:17:09.370 --> 0:17:10.770 I am I as close to them as I think 0:17:10.810 --> 0:17:14.290 I am. He was leaving and I was just devastating. 0:17:14.530 --> 0:17:17.970 I was crying. I remember lying on the bed in 0:17:18.050 --> 0:17:20.490 his house just crying while he was packing the bag, 0:17:20.570 --> 0:17:22.690 and he was just sort of he was trying to 0:17:22.730 --> 0:17:24.770 comfort me, but he was also just determined to go, 0:17:24.810 --> 0:17:27.890 and he really wanted to go, and that was fine, 0:17:27.890 --> 0:17:30.010 but I felt like I was losing my best friend. 0:17:30.890 --> 0:17:33.850 Felt like a breakup. It felt like he was leaving me. 0:17:34.130 --> 0:17:36.330 It was the way that my heart felt like it 0:17:36.370 --> 0:17:39.450 was a breakup. It was the person I'd spent all 0:17:39.450 --> 0:17:42.090 my time with, who was very happily going somewhere else 0:17:42.130 --> 0:17:44.810 without really thinking about what it meant for anything to 0:17:44.850 --> 0:17:48.690 do with us. And my heart was definitely hurting in 0:17:48.730 --> 0:17:50.890 a way that I'd never felt it hurt before because 0:17:50.970 --> 0:17:53.890 I didn't really know what to do, and when he left, 0:17:54.530 --> 0:17:56.770 I was very lost. I think is the way to 0:17:56.810 --> 0:18:00.170 put it, I was very confused and just lonely well 0:18:00.170 --> 0:18:03.770 than anything else. So the friendship when he moved, it 0:18:03.930 --> 0:18:06.770 stayed close as it could. We caught on the phone 0:18:06.810 --> 0:18:09.090 all day every day. He kept talking to me, we 0:18:09.170 --> 0:18:12.210 kept doing things. I visited Sydney couple of times with 0:18:12.330 --> 0:18:14.130 some friends, and when I was there, we would share 0:18:14.170 --> 0:18:16.650 a bed and we would always cuddle and it would 0:18:16.690 --> 0:18:19.610 go back to normal when I was there. I remember 0:18:20.170 --> 0:18:22.690 going to see him, but I would never meet his 0:18:22.810 --> 0:18:26.690 Sydney friends. I would never meet anyone. There was a 0:18:26.730 --> 0:18:29.450 girl in Sydney who he was seeing, and he purposely 0:18:29.730 --> 0:18:32.450 made sure we'd never met, made sure we didn't and 0:18:32.530 --> 0:18:35.810 even I do remember asking him, if we are best friends, 0:18:35.810 --> 0:18:37.890 why don't I get to meet anyone? And he would 0:18:37.890 --> 0:18:39.290 just be like, you're just going to be over the 0:18:39.290 --> 0:18:42.090 top about it. And I remember going, well, if you 0:18:42.130 --> 0:18:43.930 want to be best friends, I should meet the girl, 0:18:44.250 --> 0:18:46.850 and he was like no, no, no, no, no no. But the 0:18:46.890 --> 0:18:48.690 way I found out about the girl was he didn't 0:18:48.730 --> 0:18:51.250 tell me. I was there visiting him one weekend and 0:18:51.290 --> 0:18:52.970 we were sharing a bed and we were doing all 0:18:52.970 --> 0:18:56.450 these things together, and I found her stuff in the 0:18:56.490 --> 0:18:58.690 bathroom and I found her hairbrush, and I found all 0:18:58.690 --> 0:19:01.130 these female things, and I went out and was like, 0:19:01.170 --> 0:19:02.930 are you seeing someone? And he was like, I was 0:19:02.970 --> 0:19:05.050 waiting for you to find it. And that's how he 0:19:05.130 --> 0:19:07.050 told me. And I was like, why wouldn't you just 0:19:07.090 --> 0:19:11.050 tell me straight out? And he basically just said, I 0:19:11.130 --> 0:19:13.170 just wanted to see what you would do, because I 0:19:13.250 --> 0:19:17.050 knew that you'd overreact. And so I slept on the 0:19:17.050 --> 0:19:18.930 couch that night and I talked to my best friend 0:19:19.010 --> 0:19:21.330 on the phone and she was saying to me things like, 0:19:21.810 --> 0:19:23.970 that's just not okay. He should just tell you. He's 0:19:23.970 --> 0:19:26.810 just messing with you. And I'd go like, oh, maybe 0:19:26.850 --> 0:19:29.450 you're right, Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe he like, you know, 0:19:29.490 --> 0:19:31.530 he wants to see what I would do, because I 0:19:31.530 --> 0:19:33.210 have overacted in the past, and I know I can 0:19:33.250 --> 0:19:34.250 be very anxious. 0:19:34.650 --> 0:19:37.290 And was in Sydney for a year, and over that time, 0:19:37.370 --> 0:19:41.490 Amanda did realize actually she could live without him. God, 0:19:41.570 --> 0:19:44.890 she missed him, but she survived something that until she 0:19:44.970 --> 0:19:48.370 was forced to, she didn't know if she could. And 0:19:48.410 --> 0:19:49.970 then he moved back. 0:19:50.730 --> 0:19:53.490 He was in Sydney for a year and then he 0:19:53.530 --> 0:19:56.810 came back and just settled back into life again. So 0:19:57.570 --> 0:20:00.130 I was living with two wonderful housemates and I loved 0:20:00.410 --> 0:20:02.410 there were my guy friends, and I loved them so much. 0:20:02.850 --> 0:20:06.930 And he was definitely a little jealous of that. I 0:20:06.970 --> 0:20:09.250 think he thought that I would stop being friends with 0:20:09.250 --> 0:20:12.290 people without him. And these are people we all went 0:20:12.330 --> 0:20:14.050 to school with, so they weren't his, they weren't mine. 0:20:14.090 --> 0:20:18.250 They were very shared and we had a great house dynamic. 0:20:18.330 --> 0:20:21.570 I felt very happy and like I had a really 0:20:21.570 --> 0:20:23.410 great bunch of friends while he was in Sydney, and 0:20:23.450 --> 0:20:26.610 I was very much myself, I think. And when he 0:20:26.650 --> 0:20:30.010 came back, he did slip back into sort of coming 0:20:30.050 --> 0:20:32.490 to things again, and he came back into the friendship group, 0:20:32.610 --> 0:20:35.850 and he was a little bit I think jealous. It 0:20:35.890 --> 0:20:38.810 came across as jealousy more than anything else, not that 0:20:38.970 --> 0:20:41.730 I was friends with them and not him, that I 0:20:41.770 --> 0:20:44.570 think we were friends without him. He got a place 0:20:44.690 --> 0:20:47.970 really close by. It was ridiculously over the top expansive 0:20:48.010 --> 0:20:49.970 and he didn't need to live there by himself, but 0:20:50.090 --> 0:20:53.170 he got one really close by because every Monday night 0:20:53.330 --> 0:20:56.130 we had a dinner with the people that lived in 0:20:56.170 --> 0:20:59.290 the suburbs we were in close by, and he was 0:20:59.290 --> 0:21:01.570 not part of those suburbs, and instead of moving to 0:21:01.610 --> 0:21:04.130 where he used to live, he moved very close and 0:21:04.170 --> 0:21:07.210 then demanded he was invited. I mentioned to him, like, 0:21:07.250 --> 0:21:09.130 this is just something we do. It's been going on 0:21:09.170 --> 0:21:12.010 for years without you, you know, do you need to 0:21:12.050 --> 0:21:14.690 do it? And he made me feel so bad about 0:21:14.730 --> 0:21:17.570 the fact he wasn't invited that eventually he was invited 0:21:17.610 --> 0:21:19.450 and he was just there. He was part of everything, 0:21:19.930 --> 0:21:23.650 and it manifested in a more of just a guilt 0:21:23.690 --> 0:21:26.690 tripping way. Every now and then it was just a oh, 0:21:26.730 --> 0:21:30.210 I'm doing this, Oh well, I want to come. So 0:21:30.490 --> 0:21:33.690 he was at everything all the time. He would say, 0:21:33.690 --> 0:21:35.330 you know, I want to spend time together. While we 0:21:35.330 --> 0:21:38.410 spending time together, and I would have him there. So 0:21:38.770 --> 0:21:40.690 he was always at my house, he was always around. 0:21:40.730 --> 0:21:44.090 He started to be at everything again. I definitely was like, oh, 0:21:44.130 --> 0:21:46.490 he's missed me and he's come back from Sydney. You know, 0:21:46.530 --> 0:21:48.490 he wants to spend time with me again, and here 0:21:48.490 --> 0:21:50.250 we are, and this is this is going to be great. 0:21:50.250 --> 0:21:52.690 And I wanted him around. I missed him. It was 0:21:53.090 --> 0:21:55.930 it was my close person. He was the person in 0:21:56.010 --> 0:21:58.890 the room who whenever I was talking and like, you 0:21:58.930 --> 0:22:00.690 feel a little bit alone because you're in a room 0:22:00.690 --> 0:22:03.050 full of people, he'd like lock eyes with you, and 0:22:03.090 --> 0:22:05.210 he was the one that saw you. He was that 0:22:05.250 --> 0:22:07.530 guy in my life. A lot of my friends were, 0:22:07.530 --> 0:22:09.890 you know, getting engaged in doing the things you do, 0:22:10.010 --> 0:22:12.650 and I was going, it's okay, it's okay, I have 0:22:12.730 --> 0:22:15.450 this guy, and this guy has me, and every part 0:22:15.490 --> 0:22:18.690 of it was an emotional relationship. It was we went 0:22:18.810 --> 0:22:21.890 immediately back into being those close, close people who spent 0:22:21.970 --> 0:22:25.090 all that time together, who talked NonStop, who were just 0:22:25.170 --> 0:22:27.930 not seeing other people. He never saw anyone else, and 0:22:28.010 --> 0:22:30.850 I never saw anyone else, And like I would go 0:22:31.010 --> 0:22:33.690 and you know, have casual relationships here and there with people, 0:22:33.690 --> 0:22:36.970 but I never connected emotionally to anyone else the whole time. 0:22:37.330 --> 0:22:41.410 And he hated everyone I ever went and saw, and 0:22:41.810 --> 0:22:44.050 I never knew about anything that he was doing, and 0:22:44.090 --> 0:22:46.130 if I did, it was always this I knew you'd 0:22:46.170 --> 0:22:47.650 be jealous reaction. 0:22:48.450 --> 0:22:50.690 One thing that did change, though, when Aaron came back 0:22:50.690 --> 0:22:52.810 from Sydney, they stopped hooking up. 0:22:53.330 --> 0:22:56.250 I did reach a point of I just need to 0:22:56.290 --> 0:22:58.810 be friends with this guy. But it was not a 0:22:58.850 --> 0:23:00.850 normal friendship in any way. There was just so much 0:23:00.850 --> 0:23:03.770 emotional connection there, and there was so much closeness, and 0:23:03.810 --> 0:23:06.570 there was so much getting drunk at a party and 0:23:06.730 --> 0:23:10.050 still sort of saying stupid things to each other, and 0:23:10.130 --> 0:23:12.890 he would be it was character party one time and 0:23:12.930 --> 0:23:14.730 I was singing and he was sitting on a seat 0:23:14.890 --> 0:23:17.570 so close to me and staring up at me, drunk, 0:23:17.610 --> 0:23:19.730 and all my friends are like, that guy's in love 0:23:19.770 --> 0:23:22.050 with you, and I was like, yep, but what does 0:23:22.090 --> 0:23:24.410 that matter now, Like he's not gonna say himself. So 0:23:25.090 --> 0:23:28.770 it was just this constant everyone knew it. I thought 0:23:28.810 --> 0:23:30.930 I knew it. Thing that was happening all the time. 0:23:31.530 --> 0:23:34.330 So when Amanda found out her housemates were moving out, 0:23:34.570 --> 0:23:38.410 it was totally fine for Aaron to move in, right right. 0:23:39.170 --> 0:23:41.130 My best friend told me not to do it, My 0:23:41.330 --> 0:23:44.250 housemates told me not to do it, and I told everyone, no, no, no, 0:23:44.610 --> 0:23:46.770 we are so fine. It's gonna be so great. We're 0:23:46.770 --> 0:23:48.970 in a really great place. I'm really in control of it. 0:23:49.010 --> 0:23:52.690 Everything's fine. And he moved in. It was really fun. 0:23:52.770 --> 0:23:54.330 I had my best friend in the house, so we 0:23:54.410 --> 0:23:55.970 played a lot of video games and we had a 0:23:55.970 --> 0:23:58.890 lot of people over and we hung out and we 0:23:58.970 --> 0:24:01.450 knew how to get along really well. And he got 0:24:01.450 --> 0:24:04.010 a puppy, which she was amazing, and I got to 0:24:04.050 --> 0:24:07.010 help raise the puppy, and it was it was great. 0:24:07.050 --> 0:24:08.690 He was having my best friend around and it was 0:24:08.730 --> 0:24:11.370 always someone that was there. That was the thing. It 0:24:11.410 --> 0:24:14.090 was because it was also COVID. We were working from home, 0:24:14.210 --> 0:24:17.610 and I would just go into his study and I 0:24:17.610 --> 0:24:19.810 would just sit on his couch, and whenever things were wrong, 0:24:19.850 --> 0:24:21.450 my best friend was right there next to me, and 0:24:21.490 --> 0:24:26.250 it was so easy to have him around. I definitely 0:24:26.250 --> 0:24:30.130 started to develop feelings again for him. I think we 0:24:30.290 --> 0:24:33.890 both kept it very separate because there was also at 0:24:33.890 --> 0:24:36.370 that point a part of my gut which was like, 0:24:36.490 --> 0:24:38.890 don't you can't do that again. I think maybe my 0:24:38.970 --> 0:24:40.970 body had learned by that point a little bit more, 0:24:41.010 --> 0:24:44.490 but I was starting to see some cracks growing. So 0:24:45.250 --> 0:24:47.330 even though my heart was like, this is the guy 0:24:47.410 --> 0:24:49.850 for you, there was something in like my gut and 0:24:49.890 --> 0:24:53.010 my head's saying, don't cross online. But you know that 0:24:53.090 --> 0:24:55.690 being said, we were cuddling on the couch and we 0:24:55.690 --> 0:24:58.210 were hugging five times a day, and we were, you know, 0:24:58.370 --> 0:25:00.450 attached to each other, and we were doing everything together. 0:25:00.530 --> 0:25:03.610 So I was basically married at that point. We were 0:25:03.650 --> 0:25:05.490 just sleeping in separate beds is kind of what it 0:25:05.530 --> 0:25:07.210 felt like. We were cooking for each other, like it 0:25:07.290 --> 0:25:10.930 wasn't exactly like we were housemates. I'd had male housemates, 0:25:10.970 --> 0:25:11.650 and this was very different. 0:25:11.730 --> 0:25:15.890 And they didn't cross the line, I mean, depending where 0:25:15.930 --> 0:25:18.490 you see that line as being, but they continued on 0:25:18.570 --> 0:25:22.250 as they always had. The relationship, though, wasn't the only 0:25:22.330 --> 0:25:24.850 thing on Amanda's mind at that time. There was something 0:25:24.850 --> 0:25:27.250 in her life that became a much bigger issue. 0:25:27.690 --> 0:25:31.930 In twenty eighteen, my mum was diagnosed with cancer. It 0:25:32.010 --> 0:25:35.930 started off as breast cancer. So she just found a 0:25:36.010 --> 0:25:37.930 lump in the shower one day and went in and 0:25:38.090 --> 0:25:41.530 they found two different sides and it was awful when 0:25:41.690 --> 0:25:44.810 I did find that out. He was in Sydney, so 0:25:45.650 --> 0:25:47.330 I sort of did a lot of that by myself, 0:25:47.690 --> 0:25:49.810 and he was there and that sort of stuff. But 0:25:50.370 --> 0:25:53.170 across the years, my mother's eldest progressed and kept growing 0:25:53.210 --> 0:25:57.370 and they kept finding things, and so started twenty twenty four, 0:25:57.650 --> 0:26:00.850 her illness had gotten way worse. She was died of 0:26:00.890 --> 0:26:04.450 with brain cancer and she got taken her to hospital 0:26:04.650 --> 0:26:08.450 in about February and she basically was told she had 0:26:08.490 --> 0:26:11.530 about six weeks to live after that, so I said, 0:26:11.690 --> 0:26:13.530 step away from the house more and more, and my 0:26:13.610 --> 0:26:15.970 sister and I were going into the hospice every day. 0:26:16.570 --> 0:26:20.410 At that point, my cousin had actually moved in with us. 0:26:20.970 --> 0:26:24.490 She had gone through a horrible divorce herself, and I 0:26:24.530 --> 0:26:27.050 basically was like, look, I have a place to stay. 0:26:27.250 --> 0:26:29.410 It's a safe place for you. It's somewhere that's not 0:26:29.450 --> 0:26:31.010 going home to your parents, you know. Would you like 0:26:31.090 --> 0:26:33.170 to come in? Would you like to come live with me? 0:26:33.690 --> 0:26:35.290 She was my cousin. I wanted her to have a 0:26:35.290 --> 0:26:38.530 place to go. So Stephanie moved in with me and Aaron. 0:26:38.730 --> 0:26:41.410 We had always been close, but never like like great 0:26:41.450 --> 0:26:44.290 friends close, and she left that relationship and we decided 0:26:44.330 --> 0:26:46.490 to build a friendship up. So I saw it as 0:26:46.530 --> 0:26:48.930 a really good opportunity to have someone that I was 0:26:48.970 --> 0:26:51.810 close to in the house. And Aaron and I lived 0:26:51.810 --> 0:26:53.690 there together for a really long time, so we would 0:26:53.770 --> 0:26:55.850 set in our ways and I didn't see it as 0:26:55.850 --> 0:26:59.370 an issue originally. It all went really well. She moved in, 0:26:59.490 --> 0:27:02.090 We got along out, the dogs all got along. We 0:27:02.090 --> 0:27:04.330 were a cute, little happy family. We went and played 0:27:04.330 --> 0:27:06.210 tennis a lot. We did a lot of things that 0:27:06.810 --> 0:27:08.930 were great. The three of us got along really well, 0:27:09.010 --> 0:27:12.730 and she was really excited to be there. She had 0:27:12.770 --> 0:27:15.250 a lot of time for him. She found him really funny, 0:27:15.290 --> 0:27:18.130 she found him really great. He was selling the funniest 0:27:18.130 --> 0:27:20.490 guy in the room, and he was the coolest guy 0:27:20.490 --> 0:27:22.010 in the room, and she wanted to do what he 0:27:22.050 --> 0:27:24.850 wanted to do. And I just started to notice, and 0:27:25.450 --> 0:27:28.050 I did comment to a friend of mine, she reminds 0:27:28.090 --> 0:27:30.850 me of me when I was seventeen. It started to 0:27:31.370 --> 0:27:35.170 instead of just being friends' housemate vibe sort of thing. 0:27:35.250 --> 0:27:37.290 She started to really want to become close to him 0:27:37.410 --> 0:27:41.330 very quickly. She started to sort of really want to 0:27:41.370 --> 0:27:43.970 be in every conversation and if ever, he and I 0:27:44.050 --> 0:27:46.290 went and had a private conversation with the door closed 0:27:46.330 --> 0:27:49.850 about anything really was we were leaving her out and 0:27:49.930 --> 0:27:51.730 why are we doing that? And she should be in 0:27:51.730 --> 0:27:54.570 there too. When I wasn't at the hospital or at 0:27:54.570 --> 0:27:56.770 the hospice, I was spending time with them, and it 0:27:56.810 --> 0:28:00.250 was this kind of strange universe where they were being 0:28:00.330 --> 0:28:02.730 really close to me and really like being friends with me. 0:28:02.810 --> 0:28:05.650 But then stuff was going on, Like there was one 0:28:05.690 --> 0:28:08.650 time they wanted to watch a horror film and I 0:28:08.690 --> 0:28:10.170 was like, look, I spent the day in a hospice. 0:28:10.250 --> 0:28:13.010 Can we maybe chill it out and not, you know, 0:28:13.170 --> 0:28:16.290 do that. And he got so angry and he was 0:28:16.330 --> 0:28:18.170 like oh and just went into his room and then 0:28:18.170 --> 0:28:20.890 he started messaging me, this is what I'm talking about. 0:28:20.890 --> 0:28:22.850 You're just such a down or you're such a drag, 0:28:22.970 --> 0:28:25.490 like you just ruined things. And I started to cry 0:28:25.490 --> 0:28:28.930 on the couch and I showed my cousin the photos, 0:28:29.010 --> 0:28:30.970 like the photos of the messages that he was sending, 0:28:31.610 --> 0:28:34.130 and she was just like, oh, I don't know, like 0:28:34.210 --> 0:28:35.930 you know, it's a bit. She just kind of didn't 0:28:36.010 --> 0:28:38.690 quite she said it was wrong, but she didn't quite 0:28:38.810 --> 0:28:41.730 react to it. And then he came back out was like, 0:28:41.970 --> 0:28:45.290 let's go outside and do this thing instead, and she 0:28:45.410 --> 0:28:47.730 went off and did it with him. And I remember 0:28:47.730 --> 0:28:50.250 going outside crying and being like, so am I supposed 0:28:50.290 --> 0:28:52.210 to join in? Or how is it working now? And 0:28:52.290 --> 0:28:54.330 I was really angry and he was just sort of like, yeah, 0:28:54.530 --> 0:28:56.610 come join in, and then I was just kind of 0:28:56.610 --> 0:28:58.370 happy to be there. So I said nothing for the 0:28:58.370 --> 0:29:02.650 rest of the night, and I kept wondering if I 0:29:02.850 --> 0:29:05.770 was grieving and emotional and anxious, and there was so 0:29:05.850 --> 0:29:08.730 much going on that. I was questioning myself a lot. 0:29:09.330 --> 0:29:11.370 I can't even describe it, like there was this strange 0:29:11.410 --> 0:29:14.170 vibe in the house. They were being weird with each other. 0:29:14.930 --> 0:29:18.450 She was being very, very keen to be very close 0:29:18.490 --> 0:29:21.970 to him. So he went through a bit of a 0:29:21.970 --> 0:29:25.410 family situation at that time with some illness, and I 0:29:25.450 --> 0:29:27.450 would go along a little bit to the hospital. But 0:29:27.530 --> 0:29:29.570 I also knew him at that point for ten years, 0:29:29.570 --> 0:29:31.370 and I'd known his family, and I was very close 0:29:31.370 --> 0:29:33.770 to his family, and she would get a little bit 0:29:34.250 --> 0:29:37.090 upset that she wasn't invined to come, and she'd send 0:29:37.130 --> 0:29:38.730 things like, oh, if you guys are going to go 0:29:38.810 --> 0:29:41.370 do that, then oh should I come over? And I 0:29:41.410 --> 0:29:42.810 was a bit like, you've only known him for about 0:29:42.810 --> 0:29:46.730 a month, like not quite understanding. But every time I 0:29:46.770 --> 0:29:48.410 brought it up to him, he would just be like, 0:29:48.450 --> 0:29:51.570 you're just jealous. I didn't want my relationship with my 0:29:51.610 --> 0:29:54.210 family to be tainted. I did say to him, look, 0:29:54.770 --> 0:29:58.050 she's my family, and I remember saying to him, please 0:29:58.090 --> 0:30:00.530 don't mess with my family, like straight out, and he 0:30:00.850 --> 0:30:03.770 was sort of a bit angry about that. He was 0:30:03.810 --> 0:30:05.530 a bit like, well, who are you to give me, 0:30:05.850 --> 0:30:08.050 you know, tell me what to do. I was like, 0:30:08.090 --> 0:30:10.410 if you want to stay friends, we just need to 0:30:10.450 --> 0:30:14.490 have I think I said highness, respect and consideration for 0:30:14.530 --> 0:30:17.090 each other, and he was like, I can't do that. 0:30:19.170 --> 0:30:23.210 The next thing that happened was, unfortunately my mother passed away. 0:30:24.650 --> 0:30:28.130 He was supportive, he was there. He turned up at 0:30:28.130 --> 0:30:30.370 the hospice the day it all happened and he gave 0:30:30.410 --> 0:30:33.610 me a big hug. But three days later, I was 0:30:33.650 --> 0:30:36.810 doing her photo tribute and I was borrowing his laptop 0:30:36.850 --> 0:30:39.970 to do it, and Aaron and Stephanie went to the 0:30:40.010 --> 0:30:42.730 shops together and I was on the laptop at the 0:30:42.770 --> 0:30:46.370 house and I was just I was basically tired, just 0:30:46.410 --> 0:30:48.410 trying to get this thing done for my mum's funeral, 0:30:48.930 --> 0:30:53.250 and their Facebook chat popped up on the screen. And 0:30:53.290 --> 0:30:55.770 I am not proud of it. I'd never been the 0:30:55.770 --> 0:30:57.850 type of person to want to snoop into a phone 0:30:57.970 --> 0:31:00.210 or to ask a guy to show me his phone 0:31:00.490 --> 0:31:04.090 or be that way, but I just had this feeling. 0:31:04.770 --> 0:31:06.810 I just immediately was like, you know, I'm gonna do 0:31:06.850 --> 0:31:09.210 it because and I did it, and I'm not I 0:31:09.210 --> 0:31:11.570 am not that person, but I'm so glad I did 0:31:11.810 --> 0:31:14.450 because it was the moment I saw what they were 0:31:14.490 --> 0:31:17.410 talking about. I never felt less crazy. They were calling 0:31:17.410 --> 0:31:22.010 me crazy Amanda every time, and they were talking about 0:31:22.010 --> 0:31:25.170 how crazy Amanda that morning did this, and crazy Amanda 0:31:25.210 --> 0:31:28.050 that morning did that, And the mornings that I was 0:31:28.090 --> 0:31:31.130 going off to the hospice and doing things like that, 0:31:31.210 --> 0:31:34.290 they were calling me crazy all the time and about 0:31:34.290 --> 0:31:37.410 how I would overreact, and you know, they would do 0:31:37.490 --> 0:31:40.450 things like they'd make plans to go and go to 0:31:40.530 --> 0:31:42.850 places and then they wouldn't tell me, and then I 0:31:42.850 --> 0:31:45.370 would feel left out, so I'd ask them like why 0:31:45.450 --> 0:31:48.930 and I'm not invited? And it was crazy. Amanda attacked 0:31:48.970 --> 0:31:52.050 me today about this. They were just bonding so hard 0:31:52.130 --> 0:31:55.250 about me being the worst person in the world, and 0:31:55.490 --> 0:31:58.530 he was creating situations that made me look like the 0:31:58.530 --> 0:32:00.410 worst person in the world, and I was buying into 0:32:00.410 --> 0:32:04.290 them every time. And the horror movie thing, I realized, 0:32:04.410 --> 0:32:07.010 was another one of those where I was confused because 0:32:07.010 --> 0:32:08.570 I didn't know what I'd done wrong, but he was 0:32:08.610 --> 0:32:10.890 just making it seem like his life was so awful 0:32:10.930 --> 0:32:13.570 having to deal with me, and she would say, I'm 0:32:13.610 --> 0:32:16.130 so sorry you have to deal with her. In the conversation. 0:32:17.450 --> 0:32:21.210 I was very, very very hurt, but that wasn't all. 0:32:22.250 --> 0:32:26.370 I saw that they were sexting each other on the chats. 0:32:26.370 --> 0:32:29.050 I didn't read the sex specifically, but I didn't really 0:32:29.050 --> 0:32:31.330 want to know the details, but I did see that 0:32:31.370 --> 0:32:33.610 it was sexual. But I mostly also just saw them 0:32:33.730 --> 0:32:36.690 planning to lie about it. So the messages that I 0:32:36.730 --> 0:32:39.290 saw were the two of them sort of just openly 0:32:39.290 --> 0:32:41.490 saying that they can't tell me and they don't want 0:32:41.490 --> 0:32:43.610 to tell me, and you know, just keep just keep 0:32:43.690 --> 0:32:45.570 lying to where it's okay, you know that sort of 0:32:45.690 --> 0:32:49.050 those sort of messages, and I just I knew, you know, 0:32:49.210 --> 0:32:53.210 I did see him say something to her about keeping 0:32:53.250 --> 0:32:56.530 it secret, and she's saying something back about calling him 0:32:56.570 --> 0:32:58.850 sir and he doesn't want to. They had set up 0:32:58.850 --> 0:33:02.050 this dynamic which was just and honestly, it felt like 0:33:02.050 --> 0:33:04.170 they set up a dynamic which was me when I 0:33:04.210 --> 0:33:06.970 was seventeen meeting him, and I kind of just knew 0:33:07.010 --> 0:33:10.210 what was happening because I'd lived it before. So they 0:33:10.290 --> 0:33:13.490 did come home and I actually, quite calmly just sort 0:33:13.530 --> 0:33:16.650 of said are you two hooking up into the room, 0:33:17.090 --> 0:33:19.850 and he was like no, no, no, no, no, no no, And then 0:33:20.010 --> 0:33:21.570 she wouldn't look at me, and she was putting the 0:33:21.570 --> 0:33:23.730 shopping away, and you could tell she was very stressed 0:33:23.730 --> 0:33:26.250 and a little like sort of waiting to know what 0:33:26.290 --> 0:33:29.570 to say. And he looked me down in the eye 0:33:29.570 --> 0:33:31.050 and he kind of looked at me and he was like, 0:33:31.090 --> 0:33:33.850 what have you done? I remember he was leaning on 0:33:33.890 --> 0:33:36.450 the kitchen bench and I watched his eyes like change 0:33:36.450 --> 0:33:40.930 into this fight mode a little bit, and then she said, well, 0:33:40.930 --> 0:33:44.610 why is it your business? I felt angry, and I 0:33:44.690 --> 0:33:48.690 felt sad, incredibly sad, but it was actually more energy 0:33:48.690 --> 0:33:51.250 than I had had in a long time. I was 0:33:51.290 --> 0:33:53.730 still grieving and I was still extremely heartbroken about my mum, 0:33:53.770 --> 0:33:56.730 but it was this clarity that I finally needed. I 0:33:56.770 --> 0:34:00.330 felt like something just changed in my body a little bit. 0:34:00.410 --> 0:34:03.730 But I you know, I went from having massive cries 0:34:04.330 --> 0:34:06.810 and massive just what is going on? Because I just 0:34:06.810 --> 0:34:09.130 lost someone and I was losing other people. And then 0:34:09.170 --> 0:34:13.850 I went from just being so rage driven adrenaline running 0:34:13.850 --> 0:34:18.730 around and like wanting to know answers. And I left 0:34:18.770 --> 0:34:21.370 and I went to my friend's house and well, actually 0:34:21.450 --> 0:34:24.490 she picked me up and we drove around and we 0:34:24.530 --> 0:34:26.530 talked and I just told her everything and she was 0:34:26.570 --> 0:34:29.130 just like, what is going on? And I called my 0:34:29.370 --> 0:34:32.410 ex housemates on a grip chat and I actually remember 0:34:32.450 --> 0:34:33.770 saying to them, I need you to tell me if 0:34:33.810 --> 0:34:35.330 I'm crazy, and they're like, what do you mean? And 0:34:35.370 --> 0:34:37.930 I was like, I'm feeling like this was really bad, 0:34:38.690 --> 0:34:40.650 but am I overreacting? And they're just like, no, you're 0:34:40.650 --> 0:34:42.970 not overreacting. And I needed someone to tell me that 0:34:43.010 --> 0:34:45.930 before I could, you know, figure that out. And I 0:34:46.010 --> 0:34:47.730 needed my best friend to tell me that. So I 0:34:47.770 --> 0:34:49.650 called her and she was like, I hate this guy, 0:34:49.690 --> 0:34:52.170 you know. She was so done, and she was just like, 0:34:52.210 --> 0:34:54.090 this is what keeps happening. And the fact that you're 0:34:54.130 --> 0:34:58.210 even having to ask people if your reaction is too much, 0:34:58.290 --> 0:35:00.890 because I was in a house with people who were 0:35:00.890 --> 0:35:03.490 telling me it was too much, like what have you done? 0:35:04.130 --> 0:35:06.290 Like why are you even thinking that this is bad behavior? 0:35:06.450 --> 0:35:09.450 And so to the point where I didn't know what 0:35:09.490 --> 0:35:12.410 I was supposed to feel anymore. And I stayed at 0:35:12.410 --> 0:35:14.450 my sister's house for a couple of days and tried 0:35:14.490 --> 0:35:16.970 to stay away, tried to plan the funeral, do all 0:35:16.970 --> 0:35:19.610 the things we were doing, and they kind of did nothing. 0:35:20.010 --> 0:35:21.930 We didn't really interact. I just kind of went, I 0:35:21.970 --> 0:35:23.730 have to do what I have to do, right now 0:35:23.770 --> 0:35:26.610 and I can't focus on this. The next day is 0:35:26.650 --> 0:35:28.290 a kind of a blur, to be honest. I stayed 0:35:28.290 --> 0:35:32.290 at my sister's house. I hid, I planned a funeral, 0:35:32.330 --> 0:35:35.970 which was awful. The day of the funeral, I was 0:35:36.090 --> 0:35:38.290 just kind of I was at home. I just remember 0:35:38.290 --> 0:35:42.170 being alone. Mostly they were just very much just with 0:35:42.250 --> 0:35:45.570 each other. They were just kind of only focusing on 0:35:45.610 --> 0:35:48.810 each other. She was really focusing on him, And I 0:35:48.850 --> 0:35:51.210 remember the morning of I was getting ready and doing stuff, 0:35:51.250 --> 0:35:52.850 and I was like, I just feel very alone in 0:35:52.890 --> 0:35:54.650 this day, like no one's gone. Today is the day 0:35:54.650 --> 0:35:56.730 of your mother's funeral. Do you want a cup of tea? Like? 0:35:56.810 --> 0:35:58.170 I just did all these things alone. But I just 0:35:58.250 --> 0:36:00.370 did them. And I had my sister and my best 0:36:00.410 --> 0:36:02.890 friend flew in from New York, which was beautiful, and 0:36:03.090 --> 0:36:06.170 I was very lucky to have a very great group 0:36:06.210 --> 0:36:08.530 of friends around me who had had for years, and 0:36:08.570 --> 0:36:14.050 they just bolstered me up. But three days after the funeral, 0:36:14.530 --> 0:36:16.410 we got through the funeral, he did come. I did 0:36:16.450 --> 0:36:19.330 actually ask him to come. I remember messaging him and 0:36:19.330 --> 0:36:20.810 just being like, look, I just don't know how to 0:36:20.810 --> 0:36:23.650 do it without you. Can you just turn up? He came. 0:36:23.810 --> 0:36:25.250 He sat on the other side of the room to 0:36:25.290 --> 0:36:27.770 my friends and we hiled goodbye, and that was the 0:36:27.810 --> 0:36:31.130 last time we hugged ever since. But and his brother 0:36:31.250 --> 0:36:34.210 came and you know, it was it was almost like pause, 0:36:34.530 --> 0:36:37.410 just pause for that day. I spent the next three 0:36:37.490 --> 0:36:40.450 days just doing things. People were really kind to us, 0:36:40.530 --> 0:36:43.730 and like, spent time with friends and just tried to 0:36:44.090 --> 0:36:47.970 calm down. I remember messaging them three days after the 0:36:48.010 --> 0:36:51.610 funeral and I said to them, I'm coming home. I 0:36:51.650 --> 0:36:53.450 know we have stuff to talk about and sort out 0:36:53.490 --> 0:36:56.410 and figure out. I have to start work tomorrow. I'm 0:36:56.450 --> 0:36:58.930 doing my best. Just leave me alone, Please, just leave 0:36:58.970 --> 0:37:01.490 me alone. My sister took me home. She took me 0:37:01.570 --> 0:37:03.570 upstairs to my room, and I just I was sort 0:37:03.610 --> 0:37:05.450 of like, I'm just gonna have a shower. I'm just 0:37:05.490 --> 0:37:08.090 gonna just chill into the day and try and regroup 0:37:08.090 --> 0:37:10.370 for tomorrow. Maybe wash my hair, you know, the small 0:37:10.450 --> 0:37:12.290 things you can do when you're green. And it's an 0:37:12.290 --> 0:37:16.170 awful time. And so I told her to leave. The 0:37:16.210 --> 0:37:18.690 second she was at the door. They appeared at my 0:37:18.770 --> 0:37:21.570 door holding a phone and they're like, I know you 0:37:21.570 --> 0:37:23.730 didn't want to be doing anything today, so you don't 0:37:23.730 --> 0:37:25.730 have to we don't have to have a conversation, but 0:37:25.930 --> 0:37:27.850 just so you know, we're going to send this message. 0:37:27.850 --> 0:37:30.810 And then they pressed send at the door, and my 0:37:30.890 --> 0:37:33.610 phone buzzed and they started a new chat with all 0:37:33.690 --> 0:37:36.730 my friends and me in it. The first sentence of 0:37:36.810 --> 0:37:39.410 the chat was, it's been four days, so now you 0:37:39.450 --> 0:37:41.410 know it's been a respectful amount of time, so now 0:37:41.450 --> 0:37:45.530 we can do this. Basically, he's telling their side of 0:37:45.570 --> 0:37:49.410 the story, which was basically a huge, long punch of 0:37:49.450 --> 0:37:53.050 paragraphs about how awful I was. And he started to 0:37:53.090 --> 0:37:56.250 talk about how when he hooked up with my friend, 0:37:56.370 --> 0:37:58.810 I tried to control him. He's had to deal with 0:37:58.810 --> 0:38:02.290 me for years. It was this just paragraphs long. It 0:38:02.370 --> 0:38:05.530 was ranting message about like our entire history of everything 0:38:05.570 --> 0:38:07.810 that was bad, about how he'd had to put up 0:38:07.810 --> 0:38:11.250 with me for years, everything I'd ever said about anyone 0:38:11.290 --> 0:38:14.530 in the Green that was negative anyway. He just defamed 0:38:14.730 --> 0:38:17.570 so hard. And the worst bit is that my cousin 0:38:17.930 --> 0:38:21.010 pressed send straight after him and sent a message in 0:38:21.050 --> 0:38:23.890 the chat with all my friends in it, saying her 0:38:23.970 --> 0:38:25.850 side of the story, which is apparently that I never 0:38:25.890 --> 0:38:29.490 made her feel welcome and I never wanted her there, 0:38:29.570 --> 0:38:31.810 and I never wanted it, Like I was never a 0:38:31.890 --> 0:38:33.690 nice person to her, and I never wanted them to 0:38:33.690 --> 0:38:36.450 be together. And I was always this and that, them 0:38:36.730 --> 0:38:40.010 backpedaling basically, and to try and just take all the 0:38:40.010 --> 0:38:43.170 blame off them, to try and justify everything they'd been doing, 0:38:43.610 --> 0:38:46.130 to try to make me out to be the crazy 0:38:46.130 --> 0:38:48.970 one in the situation. I think for him it was 0:38:48.970 --> 0:38:51.450 a desperate attempt to salvage his friendships, because at that 0:38:51.570 --> 0:38:53.930 point a lot of my friends decided to see what 0:38:54.010 --> 0:38:56.850 was going on and were feeling quite done with it too, 0:38:57.210 --> 0:38:59.970 and they had seen me be really hurt by him. 0:39:00.610 --> 0:39:03.650 The message also hadn't it this is our home, so 0:39:03.730 --> 0:39:06.290 if you would like to come and see Amanda, you 0:39:06.370 --> 0:39:09.970 need to ask permission before entering the house. So at 0:39:09.970 --> 0:39:13.050 that point I went, I'm now being isolated away from 0:39:13.050 --> 0:39:16.250 my friends because they have to ask permission to even 0:39:16.290 --> 0:39:20.210 spend time with me. My friends, bless them, They just 0:39:20.290 --> 0:39:23.290 responded with, look, this is a trying time. We're trying 0:39:23.330 --> 0:39:26.050 to help her through this. This doesn't seem like our problem, 0:39:26.090 --> 0:39:29.530 and they all just left the chat. So I called 0:39:29.570 --> 0:39:32.890 my sister. She came straight back and we sat around 0:39:32.930 --> 0:39:36.090 the dining room table and I begged him to leave. 0:39:36.530 --> 0:39:38.570 I remember I was looking at him to take in 0:39:38.570 --> 0:39:39.890 the eye, and I was like, you just need to 0:39:39.930 --> 0:39:42.050 move out. I'm just I'm so done. Can you please 0:39:42.130 --> 0:39:44.730 just leave? Like the house we were in I had 0:39:44.730 --> 0:39:47.730 lived in for years before he moved in with the boys. 0:39:48.490 --> 0:39:51.050 It was my place more than theirs, and I just 0:39:51.090 --> 0:39:53.330 sort of went, I will pay what I need to pay, 0:39:53.770 --> 0:39:55.850 I will do what I have to do. Please just leave. 0:39:55.930 --> 0:39:59.410 I'm just so done. And he smiled at me across 0:39:59.410 --> 0:40:01.850 the table and he looked at me in this way 0:40:01.890 --> 0:40:05.050 of just like pity, I guess, or this way of 0:40:05.170 --> 0:40:07.690 just like I don't know. It's like he was not 0:40:07.770 --> 0:40:09.690 the same person is then that I can describe it. 0:40:09.730 --> 0:40:13.050 His eyes were different, all the softness was gone. He 0:40:13.210 --> 0:40:15.250 just sat there and he didn't really react. He just 0:40:15.330 --> 0:40:19.090 kind of smiled. And my sister did actually say to him, 0:40:19.370 --> 0:40:21.570 you are a cancer in my sister's life, which is 0:40:21.570 --> 0:40:23.490 a huge thing to say after your mother's just passed 0:40:23.530 --> 0:40:26.890 away from cancer. And my cousin was there, she was 0:40:26.890 --> 0:40:29.370 in the kitchen, she was watching. We did say to 0:40:29.410 --> 0:40:31.730 her a couple of times like do you see this, 0:40:31.930 --> 0:40:34.170 Like do you see what's happening? And she a couple 0:40:34.170 --> 0:40:36.570 of times said, I don't see a problem, and she 0:40:36.690 --> 0:40:38.770 a couple of times said. I did say to her, 0:40:38.810 --> 0:40:41.090 she doesn't have to leave, and she said, if he leaves, 0:40:41.130 --> 0:40:43.210 I have to leave. And I said to her, I 0:40:43.250 --> 0:40:46.690 have been you, I have been you, and it ends 0:40:46.730 --> 0:40:49.730 in this awful way because he discards you, and you're 0:40:49.770 --> 0:40:52.970 watching that happen right now, and she just couldn't see it. 0:40:53.450 --> 0:40:55.570 She just couldn't see it. So I ended up having 0:40:55.610 --> 0:40:57.570 to just sort of say fine, go to the both 0:40:57.610 --> 0:41:02.850 of them, and she was quite angry, and the next 0:41:02.930 --> 0:41:05.490 couple of weeks was trying to figure out the logistics 0:41:05.490 --> 0:41:10.210 of getting them out. I felt very done. I felt 0:41:10.290 --> 0:41:13.650 pretty empty, to be honest, Like it was very hurtful 0:41:13.890 --> 0:41:18.770 and it was very was also not surprising. I think 0:41:18.810 --> 0:41:21.650 I knew him so well at that point that him 0:41:21.810 --> 0:41:24.010 doing that to me was just like, oh, yep, this 0:41:24.090 --> 0:41:27.090 is exactly what he would do situation. But it also 0:41:27.290 --> 0:41:31.130 was my best friend in life just absolutely disgarding me, 0:41:31.290 --> 0:41:34.970 and it was brutal and it was I cried, and 0:41:35.050 --> 0:41:38.530 I just I didn't know how to take the amount 0:41:38.570 --> 0:41:41.850 of grief I think I was feeling the couple of 0:41:41.890 --> 0:41:45.410 weeks it took to settle things down. I feel like 0:41:45.450 --> 0:41:49.690 I was just running straight on adrenaline. I was so 0:41:49.770 --> 0:41:54.210 heavily grieving both my mother and just even just in shock. 0:41:54.290 --> 0:41:56.970 I think about my mother's death and how fast it 0:41:57.090 --> 0:41:59.290 was and the trauma of it all, and dealing with that, 0:41:59.490 --> 0:42:01.130 and then dealing with my sister who had to go 0:42:01.210 --> 0:42:03.850 back to where she was and trying to deal with that, 0:42:04.090 --> 0:42:06.930 and then dealing with his home life, which was just awful. 0:42:07.530 --> 0:42:09.970 I was mostly sad. I just cried and cried and cried. 0:42:10.010 --> 0:42:12.890 And there was one night I came home and he 0:42:12.970 --> 0:42:16.370 was spending time with my family and I was not 0:42:16.490 --> 0:42:20.090 welcome to join, and then my family members were there 0:42:20.170 --> 0:42:23.610 and I just kind of lost it that night. I 0:42:23.650 --> 0:42:26.250 remember sobbing in my room, like just sobbing and sobbing 0:42:26.290 --> 0:42:28.850 and sobbing, and he texted me and he said, can 0:42:28.890 --> 0:42:32.130 you please be quiet? And then I just stopped crying, 0:42:32.410 --> 0:42:35.090 like something just I just sort of went, what the 0:42:35.090 --> 0:42:37.690 hell are you crying for over this guy who doesn't 0:42:37.730 --> 0:42:40.450 care about you? And I don't know what it was, 0:42:40.650 --> 0:42:42.970 something just I just stopped crying and then I just 0:42:43.050 --> 0:42:47.650 went into Okay, we're done. I don't know what changed 0:42:47.690 --> 0:42:50.970 it was just hidden texting with zero care whatsoever. I 0:42:51.010 --> 0:42:53.890 think I kept thinking if I was if I showed 0:42:53.930 --> 0:42:55.930 how sad I was, or if I showed stuff, he 0:42:56.410 --> 0:42:58.970 would crack and go back into that guy he was. 0:42:59.610 --> 0:43:03.050 But it was gone. It was completely gone. This person 0:43:03.090 --> 0:43:06.210 that had been my constant companion basically for twelve years 0:43:06.250 --> 0:43:10.330 and my best friend and my safe place was gone. 0:43:10.410 --> 0:43:13.730 And I didn't quite know how to function without him, 0:43:13.810 --> 0:43:15.490 or how to be an adult, or how to how 0:43:15.530 --> 0:43:18.250 to think without him, or how to to trust the 0:43:18.290 --> 0:43:21.450 world without him. Eventually, when they did move out, I 0:43:21.530 --> 0:43:24.330 was in this big house by myself, and I was 0:43:24.810 --> 0:43:27.170 happy to be there by myself, to be I'm not happy, 0:43:27.210 --> 0:43:30.170 but I was relieved to be by myself because for 0:43:30.170 --> 0:43:31.770 the first time in a long time, I was like 0:43:32.370 --> 0:43:36.090 very trusting of my own thoughts, and I didn't realize 0:43:36.130 --> 0:43:40.050 how much I had been just slowly messed with across 0:43:40.130 --> 0:43:43.170 like years and months at that point and just hard 0:43:43.210 --> 0:43:46.170 gas lit to be honest, and like it was a relief, 0:43:46.370 --> 0:43:49.450 and I threw myself into work, and I threw myself 0:43:49.490 --> 0:43:52.610 into building a life for myself again and just trying 0:43:52.650 --> 0:43:56.250 to process everything that had happened, and so it was 0:43:56.570 --> 0:43:59.890 an awful time, but it was this, it sounds strange, 0:43:59.970 --> 0:44:04.210 almost a relief. So since all of that went down, 0:44:04.370 --> 0:44:07.410 I've really thrown myself into work. I've been trying to 0:44:07.530 --> 0:44:11.010 process grief a lot, which has been really hard. I'm 0:44:11.050 --> 0:44:14.930 still trying to that. I met a guy at work 0:44:15.010 --> 0:44:20.250 who has been lovely, but again, he was extremely unemotionally unavailable. 0:44:21.010 --> 0:44:23.850 I realized that it was the love I was used to. 0:44:23.890 --> 0:44:26.090 It was someone so unavailable and me having to like 0:44:26.250 --> 0:44:30.290 prove they should pick me. So I very quickly went, oh, 0:44:30.570 --> 0:44:33.490 hold on, no, no, no. But it was actually also 0:44:33.530 --> 0:44:37.570 quite nice to be with someone who really wanted me back. 0:44:37.650 --> 0:44:40.450 So it was it was a learning opportunity. But life 0:44:40.530 --> 0:44:43.810 since then has been it's been pretty good. I've been trying. 0:44:43.850 --> 0:44:45.490 I've been working really hard. I've been doing a lot 0:44:45.490 --> 0:44:48.290 of things, a lot of grief, a lot of trying 0:44:48.330 --> 0:44:51.810 to manage the hardest part, which is that he is 0:44:51.890 --> 0:44:55.050 still with my family. So my sister and I spent 0:44:55.170 --> 0:44:57.770 Christians for the first time member without our family. We've 0:44:57.810 --> 0:44:59.690 spent it with other family, but it was the first 0:44:59.730 --> 0:45:04.730 time without them. But yeah, so he's still infected the 0:45:04.810 --> 0:45:07.850 little bits in things, but I don't talk to him 0:45:07.930 --> 0:45:10.850 or go anywhere near human. I would love to talk 0:45:10.850 --> 0:45:13.290 to my cousin again, but while she's talking to him, 0:45:13.330 --> 0:45:16.130 I can't go anywhere ney that because it's just too much. 0:45:16.290 --> 0:45:20.050 But I think I see it a little bit as 0:45:20.090 --> 0:45:23.730 two people who or at least maybe from her. I 0:45:23.730 --> 0:45:27.410 don't know her perspective, but it's someone who maybe has 0:45:27.490 --> 0:45:29.330 not done the right thing and doesn't want to face it, 0:45:29.410 --> 0:45:32.850 and so she's in a bit of a situation. But yeah, 0:45:32.890 --> 0:45:36.490 he's still very much. He's in my family, which is 0:45:36.530 --> 0:45:39.730 a bit gross. So I'm trying to stay away from that. 0:45:39.810 --> 0:45:42.690 But for me personally, I'm a lot better without him 0:45:43.370 --> 0:45:46.850 and even grieving even when horrible things happen. I've had 0:45:46.890 --> 0:45:50.690 to move house, I've had to do like big things. 0:45:50.770 --> 0:45:53.290 I have never wanted him back in any way, Like 0:45:53.810 --> 0:45:56.530 there's no part of me that missus. I miss my friend, 0:45:57.330 --> 0:45:58.970 I miss you know, the person who used to spend 0:45:59.010 --> 0:46:01.770 a lot of time with. But I don't want that 0:46:02.330 --> 0:46:05.730 back ever again, because I'm just I'm over it. I'm 0:46:05.770 --> 0:46:08.890 just over being confused all the time and told I'm 0:46:08.890 --> 0:46:11.170 not good enough all the time and that sort of thing. 0:46:11.290 --> 0:46:14.290 So we're in a journey. We're in a healing journey, 0:46:14.410 --> 0:46:18.170 is how I would put it. Now. The future is 0:46:18.250 --> 0:46:20.330 a lot of healing and a lot of slowing down 0:46:20.410 --> 0:46:23.050 and a lot of taking care of myself. But I 0:46:23.090 --> 0:46:25.530 want to keep working and I want to eventually find 0:46:25.610 --> 0:46:29.570 a good relationship, and I would love to be with 0:46:29.690 --> 0:46:32.730 someone who is completely opposite. I want to be in 0:46:32.810 --> 0:46:35.170 a really great thing and I want to feel very 0:46:35.210 --> 0:46:37.210 safe in something, but I want to feel like myself 0:46:37.250 --> 0:46:41.130 in something. For him, I don't really wish anything for him. 0:46:41.610 --> 0:46:44.050 For her, it's very different. I don't want her to 0:46:44.090 --> 0:46:46.130 go through what I've been through, and I just have 0:46:46.250 --> 0:46:49.290 this feeling it's going to happen because it's a pattern, 0:46:49.410 --> 0:46:52.450 and I'm watching her just be like, this is my 0:46:52.570 --> 0:46:56.290 guy now, and it's just not She can't see it. 0:46:56.690 --> 0:46:59.130 I could see it because i'd been there and I 0:46:59.170 --> 0:47:02.530 had been her. I want her to be happy and 0:47:02.570 --> 0:47:05.570 I want her to be back in my life, I think. 0:47:05.650 --> 0:47:09.690 But it's just it's just I can't force something to happen. 0:47:10.290 --> 0:47:12.250 I have to just sit back and watch and just 0:47:12.410 --> 0:47:15.010 tell my story and hope that it works out. But 0:47:15.690 --> 0:47:18.410 so if they ever are not together, I will happily 0:47:18.450 --> 0:47:20.930 see my cousin again, but I don't want anything to 0:47:20.970 --> 0:47:22.930 do with him, and if they do choose to be together, 0:47:23.370 --> 0:47:25.810 then I hope that he changes his ways and makes 0:47:25.850 --> 0:47:29.370 her very happy. Right now, my focus is on my 0:47:29.610 --> 0:47:33.770 personal healing and trying to grieve and trying to process 0:47:33.850 --> 0:47:36.690 what happened to my mother and focus on myself as 0:47:36.730 --> 0:47:37.330 much as I can. 0:47:54.290 --> 0:47:57.250 Everyone Has an X is a Minti Media production and 0:47:57.330 --> 0:48:00.210 proudly part of the Mum and mea network. It's written 0:48:00.250 --> 0:48:03.890 and narrated by me Georgia Love and produced by Linda Scott. 0:48:04.130 --> 0:48:07.530 If you like We've heard, support the podcast by hitting subscribe, 0:48:07.650 --> 0:48:10.170 writing a review, and leaving us five stars. You can 0:48:10.250 --> 0:48:13.090 also follow us on Instagram that Everyone Has an X 0:48:13.410 --> 0:48:15.250 and if you have a story you'd like to share, 0:48:15.290 --> 0:48:17.530 you can contact us that Everyone Has an EX at 0:48:17.530 --> 0:48:21.570 mintimedia dot com dot you or submissions at mamamea dot 0:48:21.570 --> 0:48:24.690 com dot you with the word submission in the subject field.