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Speaker 1: You're listening to a Mother mea podcast. Mamma Mia acknowledges

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Speaker 1: the traditional owners of the land and waters. This podcast

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Speaker 1: is recorded on. On this podcast, we've spoken about great relationships,

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Speaker 1: terrible relationships, broken relationships, and all those relationships in between.

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Speaker 1: But there's another kind. We don't talk about that often,

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Speaker 1: perhaps because it's not really a relationship yet we all

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Speaker 1: know about it.

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Speaker 2: Everyone that we were friends. We knew that we were something,

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Speaker 2: but they didn't know what we were. So it was

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Speaker 2: we were the people that always shed a bed, but

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Speaker 2: we were just friends. But then people didn't really know

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Speaker 2: what was happening. But we were always together and we

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Speaker 2: were always there was always touching and hugging, and people

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Speaker 2: would always ask me, what are you and I'd be like,

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Speaker 2: we're just best best best friends.

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Speaker 1: That's right, dear listener. This situationship, while not having a title,

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Speaker 1: they can be just as intense, confusing, or consuming and

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Speaker 1: chaotic as something more official. Just ask Amanda.

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Speaker 2: You don't want to overreact, and you don't want to

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Speaker 2: seeing like you're too into them because they're going to

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Speaker 2: not be into you. And I thought I knew what

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Speaker 2: we were and then at the time I was just

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Speaker 2: utterly confused and utterly panicked. I think about losing something

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Speaker 2: that I had more than anything else. My heart was

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Speaker 2: definitely hurting in a way that I'd never felt it

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Speaker 2: hurt before.

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Speaker 1: I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an X.

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Speaker 1: Come with me as we dive into a collection of

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Speaker 1: unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the

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Speaker 1: hearts of the very people who lived them. Today's story

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Speaker 1: is about Amanda and Aaron double a buddies at high school,

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Speaker 1: the very best of friends. They really were meant to be.

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Speaker 2: I met Aaron in huh high school. We were in

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Speaker 2: the same year level, and he went on an excursion

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Speaker 2: with my best friend at the time, and then she

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Speaker 2: came back and she was like, you have to meet

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Speaker 2: this guy. I just know you're going to get along.

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Speaker 2: And then he and I met and we just clicked immediately.

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Speaker 2: And I had this group of girlfriends and we were

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Speaker 2: always together, and then he was leading the guys in

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Speaker 2: a way, so we bonded and formed the group together

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Speaker 2: a little bit. And that was I think year eleven,

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Speaker 2: so I was seventeen years old. So we started as friends,

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Speaker 2: but it quickly went into best friends and just very close,

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Speaker 2: a little bit maybe competitive with each other, a little

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Speaker 2: bit like enjoying each other's power struggle a little bit

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Speaker 2: in high school as it is. And then I would

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Speaker 2: host a lot of events and the parties, and he

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Speaker 2: would always encourage that, and he would come and bring

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Speaker 2: all the boys and have fun. Then we got very,

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Speaker 2: very close, and we started to really bond about just

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Speaker 2: our families, and he started to come over to my

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Speaker 2: house a lot and things like that. I think what

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Speaker 2: drew me to him was he had a really like

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Speaker 2: leadership power vibe to him. He was always in control.

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Speaker 2: He was always the coolest guy in the room. He

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Speaker 2: would like tell a joke in the whole room would

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Speaker 2: laugh at it like one of those guys. And I

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Speaker 2: was really drawn to that because I really thought that,

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Speaker 2: like we were a little bit of a power couple,

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Speaker 2: Like we would not power in the sense of, you know,

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Speaker 2: controlling people with power in the sense of we'd get

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Speaker 2: everyone to come to the parties and to do the

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Speaker 2: things and to do the fun activities. And it was

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Speaker 2: a very drawn to each other. It was probably the

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Speaker 2: year after we finished high school, and it was when

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Speaker 2: I started to spend a lot of time in his house.

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Speaker 2: And everyone sort of knew we were something without being something,

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Speaker 2: I guess, and everyone could see we were extremely close,

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Speaker 2: and we went to everything together, and we left everything together,

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Speaker 2: and we were always just together. He made me feel

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Speaker 2: very seen, I think, and he made me feel very funny,

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Speaker 2: and he really enjoyed my personality, and he enjoyed my quirks,

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Speaker 2: and he thought that, you know, when I was silly,

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Speaker 2: I was being hilarious, and that made me feel really safe.

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Speaker 2: And he made me feel very like someone was really

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Speaker 2: looking at me for the first time and just really

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Speaker 2: lacking every single thing about me, which was really enjoy

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Speaker 2: able and quite a dictal to be around.

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Speaker 1: I think we can all see where this friendship was headed.

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Speaker 2: My parents went through a really bad divorce when I

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Speaker 2: left you twelve, and I remember my eighteenth birthday was

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Speaker 2: the day that they had to sell my house, and

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Speaker 2: it was this awful, horrible thing. So I was drawn

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Speaker 2: to him and his family because he was very much like,

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Speaker 2: come and spend all your time with us, and he

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Speaker 2: had a beautiful house and we would go and just

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Speaker 2: I'd spend all my time there with his mum and

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Speaker 2: with his brother, and we would just hang out and

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Speaker 2: I felt very safe there. So it got to a

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Speaker 2: point where, like a couple of years in, I was

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Speaker 2: probably spending four or five nights a week in his house,

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Speaker 2: and when I was there, we always shared a bed

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Speaker 2: and it was always very like loving and couplely, and

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Speaker 2: it was like we were a couple without ever really

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Speaker 2: being a couple in a way. Definitely started as staying

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Speaker 2: on the couch, staying in like not being together at all,

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Speaker 2: and then it progressed to there was one night we

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Speaker 2: were out at a bar or something, and then we

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Speaker 2: came home and he just sort of went, you've had

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Speaker 2: a really bad day, would you want to stay in

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Speaker 2: bed with me? And then it went to this really comfy,

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Speaker 2: cuddly placed and then it just became the norm that

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Speaker 2: we were in bed together, and we would even on

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Speaker 2: holidays with friends, we would share a bed together, or

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Speaker 2: he would invite me into the bed and like, but

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Speaker 2: it was always a if you would like to come in,

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Speaker 2: you can sort of thing, and I would always be like, well,

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Speaker 2: I do want to come in, So I would go

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Speaker 2: and get in bed with him. It was very cuddly

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Speaker 2: and very you know, you're safe here if you're not

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Speaker 2: safe anywhere else. That sort of thing, and we would

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Speaker 2: spend hours in bed just talking and cuddling and just

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Speaker 2: spending time together really and it felt really good at

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Speaker 2: the time if a very like I'd found a person

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Speaker 2: and only I knew that person, and that person wanted

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Speaker 2: me to be there, even if he couldn't admit it

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Speaker 2: to anyone else, he wanted me there sort of. So

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Speaker 2: I was very happy to be there for most of

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Speaker 2: the time, and probably for the first three years, I

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Speaker 2: was very happy to be there just contently in his

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Speaker 2: little cuddle sort of area. I think I realized I

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Speaker 2: was falling for him at the end of high school,

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Speaker 2: especially when my family break downside to happen. I think

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Speaker 2: he became a really safe place, and I remember remember

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Speaker 2: after a big argument with my family in an awful day,

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Speaker 2: I would just go to his house and he would

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Speaker 2: just take me in and he would just put me

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Speaker 2: in bed with him, and it was this really sweet

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Speaker 2: moment of just feeling very loved and very safe. About

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Speaker 2: a year into sharing a bed together a couple of

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Speaker 2: nights a week, it was probably the first time something

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Speaker 2: sexual happened, and I was over the moon because I

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Speaker 2: thought he was falling in love with me, and I

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Speaker 2: thought he was into me, and I thought I'd met

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Speaker 2: someone who was playing hard to get, but he made

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Speaker 2: me feel very safe. The vibe the next morning after

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Speaker 2: we did something sexual was pretty chill. Actually, we just

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Speaker 2: kind of kept going as normal. It felt a bit

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Speaker 2: more cupply. I actually remember we went to a football game.

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Speaker 2: We went straight to we met some friends out and

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Speaker 2: I remember seeing this sort of being like, ooh, that's

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Speaker 2: my guy, because it felt like we were starting a relationship.

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Speaker 2: We were starting something and we were so close at

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Speaker 2: that point because we talked all the time and we

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Speaker 2: were together all the time, and it felt really nice

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Speaker 2: to be in something definitely and like very very connected

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Speaker 2: to someone. I told him about my feelings. It was

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Speaker 2: sort of a It was a scary moment for me

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Speaker 2: because I wasn't very good at sharing my feelings. I

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Speaker 2: thought it was also just definitely happening naturally by itself.

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Speaker 2: And he would always sort of make jokes about like, oh,

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Speaker 2: I know, you have a crush on me, and I

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Speaker 2: would always be like, oh, yeah, you know a little bit.

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Speaker 2: And it was a bit of a game we were

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Speaker 2: playing with each other. And I did tell him a

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Speaker 2: couple of times oh, I think that I'm really falling

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Speaker 2: for you. And he would always be like, oh, you're

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Speaker 2: so silly, and like brushed off a little bit. But

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Speaker 2: then it was always the actions were so different. It

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Speaker 2: was always a come and sleep and bear with me afterwards,

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Speaker 2: and then something sexual would happen, and you know that

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Speaker 2: sort of thing. So I always assumed it was always reciprocated,

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Speaker 2: just never able to say it was where we're at.

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Speaker 2: But a couple of times he did say it. He

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Speaker 2: would say it or he would tell it to someone

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Speaker 2: else and they would tell me, and I was just

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Speaker 2: very like, Oh, we're just in this little thing together.

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Speaker 1: And this little thing continued for quite some time.

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Speaker 2: We were about three years in at this point, and

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Speaker 2: we were spending some time with some friends. They were

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Speaker 2: actually doing tough better. We was a normal week. I

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Speaker 2: spent a couple of weeks at night to his house.

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Speaker 2: That week, I had dinner with his family, I was

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Speaker 2: watching TV with his brother and doing these kind of things.

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Speaker 2: I was really part of his life. And the night

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Speaker 2: we had a big party and I watched him take

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Speaker 2: my best friend into his room to hook up with her,

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Speaker 2: and I just felt something change in my body and

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Speaker 2: I just for the first time felt pure anxiety that

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Speaker 2: I've never felt before, and I remember just sort of

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Speaker 2: looking back and just feeling my whole body start to panic.

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Speaker 2: And he just did it. He just took her in

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Speaker 2: there and he was like, yep, this is what we're

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Speaker 2: doing and closed the door. And I had to wait

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Speaker 2: for the whole night sleeping on the couch for them too,

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Speaker 2: because I was able to drive home, so I had

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Speaker 2: to sleep on the couch and wait for the next

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Speaker 2: morning for them to reappear. And the whole night I

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Speaker 2: just lay there and just waited with the anxiety just

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Speaker 2: building up inside me. I didn't know what to do,

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Speaker 2: and I didn't know if I should call someone, and

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Speaker 2: then I didn't think. I didn't know if I was

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Speaker 2: being ridiculous. My best friend and everyone that we were friends.

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Speaker 2: We knew that we were some thing, but they didn't

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Speaker 2: know what we were. So we were the people that

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Speaker 2: always shared a bed, but we were just friends. But

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Speaker 2: then people didn't really know what was happening. But we

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Speaker 2: were always together and we were always there was always

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Speaker 2: touching and hugging in anytime there was alcohol involved. He

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Speaker 2: was way too close to me, and it was always

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Speaker 2: that sort of. We were very very very close, and

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Speaker 2: no one quite understood, and people would always ask me,

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Speaker 2: what are you and I'd be like, we're just we're

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Speaker 2: just best best best friends, you know, and it was

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Speaker 2: hard to explain what we were. So she thought the

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Speaker 2: same thing. She was like, they're just really really really close,

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Speaker 2: and why would anyone pursue someone if they were with

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Speaker 2: someone else. He most definitely pursued her, and he made

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Speaker 2: her feel like there was nothing going on between him

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Speaker 2: and I, so she didn't think that there was anything

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Speaker 2: happening between us when she pursued things back with him.

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Speaker 2: I didn't want to overreact. When you're nineteen years old

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Speaker 2: and it's the first boy you've ever had a crush on,

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Speaker 2: you don't want to overreact, and you don't want to

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Speaker 2: seem like you're too into them because they're gonna not

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Speaker 2: be into you. And I thought I knew what we were.

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Speaker 2: And then at the time, I was just utterly confused

219
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Speaker 2: and utterly panicked. I think about losing something that I had.

220
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Speaker 2: So the next morning I drove her home actually, and

221
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Speaker 2: I went home and I went straight to bed, and

222
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Speaker 2: I started to just question everything, and I went over

223
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Speaker 2: and over in my head. I didn't actually even talk

224
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Speaker 2: to him the next morning. I just couldn't face it,

225
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Speaker 2: and I went to bed, and I remember he came

226
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Speaker 2: over that night and he was just like he just

227
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Speaker 2: kept asking me what was wrong, and I kept saying,

228
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Speaker 2: I don't understand why you would have done that, and

229
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Speaker 2: then he started to get more and more and more angry.

230
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Speaker 2: And that was the first time I ever saw the

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Speaker 2: anger side of him, which was this I can do

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Speaker 2: anything I want side, and then I have a really

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Speaker 2: clear image of it in my head. He looked me

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Speaker 2: down in the eye and he was like, I never

235
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Speaker 2: promised you anything, And that was the first time I

236
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Speaker 2: really saw that side of him, and it was a

237
00:11:10,770 --> 00:11:13,930
Speaker 2: whole new side that I never really I was always

238
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Speaker 2: very safe and very open with him, and then suddenly

239
00:11:16,170 --> 00:11:18,690
Speaker 2: it was a who were you to think or that

240
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Speaker 2: we are anything sort of reaction. And he did say

241
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Speaker 2: to me, you are making this all up in your head,

242
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Speaker 2: and at nineteen, I went, I must be making this

243
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Speaker 2: all up in my head, and so I believed him,

244
00:11:28,610 --> 00:11:32,250
Speaker 2: and I definitely just spent the next two weeks just

245
00:11:32,290 --> 00:11:34,970
Speaker 2: trying to dampen down my anxiety and tell myself I

246
00:11:35,010 --> 00:11:38,370
Speaker 2: was being ridiculous. So I calmed myself down. I went

247
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Speaker 2: back to normal, and we rebuilt a friendship and I

248
00:11:40,650 --> 00:11:44,250
Speaker 2: didn't think about it again. And it was different though.

249
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Speaker 2: After that, everything was a little bit different. Something was

250
00:11:46,810 --> 00:11:51,490
Speaker 2: a little bit more. I was trying hard to rebuild

251
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Speaker 2: a friendship that he was a bit like above me.

252
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Speaker 2: Now there was something that was different in our dynamic.

253
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Speaker 2: We didn't agree on what was happening, but we didn't

254
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Speaker 2: talk about it either. So if I said to him

255
00:12:02,610 --> 00:12:05,090
Speaker 2: I thought we were becoming something, I thought you had

256
00:12:05,090 --> 00:12:06,930
Speaker 2: feelings to me, he would just brush me off. And

257
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Speaker 2: I didn't want to lose him, so I kept doing

258
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Speaker 2: what we were doing, and we were just best friends.

259
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Speaker 2: We just we did pull back. We stopped sharing a

260
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Speaker 2: bed as much, and we stopped engaging in anything sexual

261
00:12:17,930 --> 00:12:22,010
Speaker 2: after that that much, and then it became a much

262
00:12:22,130 --> 00:12:25,690
Speaker 2: more about taking care of me. I think he knew

263
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Speaker 2: that I was enjoying having a place to go. I

264
00:12:28,170 --> 00:12:31,250
Speaker 2: hadn't quite figured out my family situation yet, and so

265
00:12:31,570 --> 00:12:34,890
Speaker 2: it became much more, Oh, she needs me, so I'm

266
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Speaker 2: giving this to her.

267
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Speaker 1: Soon enough, the sexual side picked back up too.

268
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Speaker 2: It stayed as this strange thing that sometimes would happen

269
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Speaker 2: when we were drinking, or especially if he drank a lot,

270
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Speaker 2: it would happen all the time, and there would be

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Speaker 2: declarations of love and there would be a lot of things,

272
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Speaker 2: and it was always like his true feelings came out

273
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Speaker 2: if he had a little bit of alcohol, but anytime

274
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Speaker 2: he was sober, he was so controlled and so calculated,

275
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Speaker 2: and so no, no, no, this is this is what we

276
00:13:01,050 --> 00:13:03,690
Speaker 2: are sort of thing. And then it became a don't

277
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Speaker 2: question it anymore. It became if you want to be

278
00:13:06,770 --> 00:13:09,650
Speaker 2: in each other's lives, you don't question it anymore. You're

279
00:13:09,690 --> 00:13:12,370
Speaker 2: just here. But at the same time, we were basically married,

280
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Speaker 2: like we spent every day together. We did everything together,

281
00:13:15,850 --> 00:13:18,370
Speaker 2: we were in each other's families, we would go to

282
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Speaker 2: family functions together. We were talking all day every day.

283
00:13:21,930 --> 00:13:25,170
Speaker 2: It was a full blown relationship. So I didn't even

284
00:13:25,210 --> 00:13:28,010
Speaker 2: have any space for anything else because I was in

285
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Speaker 2: a relationship with this person. I was so attached to

286
00:13:30,290 --> 00:13:32,530
Speaker 2: this person and it felt like, yeah, it felt like

287
00:13:32,570 --> 00:13:35,650
Speaker 2: a full on husband. I was completely in love with him,

288
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Speaker 2: and I was in love with the idea of our

289
00:13:37,690 --> 00:13:39,490
Speaker 2: life together, I think, and I didn't want to let

290
00:13:39,490 --> 00:13:41,850
Speaker 2: that go. And I loved being involved with his family,

291
00:13:41,890 --> 00:13:45,250
Speaker 2: and I loved being just with him and safe with him.

292
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Speaker 2: And there was a couple of times where he would

293
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Speaker 2: tell me he loved me back, and we had these

294
00:13:49,250 --> 00:13:53,410
Speaker 2: amazing moments, and I just I was completely smitten and

295
00:13:53,690 --> 00:13:57,330
Speaker 2: fallen for him. I think my body was reacting more

296
00:13:57,370 --> 00:13:59,290
Speaker 2: to the ups and downs than my brain was. I

297
00:13:59,290 --> 00:14:02,890
Speaker 2: think I got very used to ignoring what my gut

298
00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:05,970
Speaker 2: was telling me, especially after that first time. When I

299
00:14:06,050 --> 00:14:10,050
Speaker 2: did that on purpose, I would start to get quite sick.

300
00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:13,530
Speaker 2: I gained weight, I got more and more anxious, and

301
00:14:13,570 --> 00:14:16,770
Speaker 2: more and more issues like that, and I started to

302
00:14:16,810 --> 00:14:20,210
Speaker 2: do things like my hair wouldn't grow very quickly, and

303
00:14:20,290 --> 00:14:22,170
Speaker 2: just I was always just a bit sick and always

304
00:14:22,170 --> 00:14:25,610
Speaker 2: just a bit off, and my gut was always really bad.

305
00:14:25,650 --> 00:14:28,450
Speaker 2: And I remember going to doctors for stomach problems and

306
00:14:28,490 --> 00:14:31,130
Speaker 2: things like that, and it was usually always your anxious

307
00:14:31,730 --> 00:14:33,410
Speaker 2: and I would go, I don't know what I'm anxious about,

308
00:14:33,450 --> 00:14:35,930
Speaker 2: and I would never figure it out. And then a

309
00:14:35,930 --> 00:14:38,930
Speaker 2: lot of it had to do with this relationship that

310
00:14:39,010 --> 00:14:41,690
Speaker 2: wasn't really a relationship, but it was just slowly kind

311
00:14:41,690 --> 00:14:46,250
Speaker 2: of tearing me apart a little bit. So he simultaneously

312
00:14:46,370 --> 00:14:48,210
Speaker 2: was my best friend in the entire world, and the

313
00:14:48,210 --> 00:14:50,410
Speaker 2: person I told everything to and who was there for

314
00:14:50,450 --> 00:14:52,770
Speaker 2: me all the time, but also the person who was

315
00:14:53,090 --> 00:14:56,490
Speaker 2: very slowly messing with my confidence and my self esteem

316
00:14:56,530 --> 00:15:00,330
Speaker 2: and everything about me, but I never quite noticed. I

317
00:15:00,490 --> 00:15:02,570
Speaker 2: think I was holding onto the idea of what we

318
00:15:02,730 --> 00:15:05,370
Speaker 2: could be, and I was holding onto the idea of

319
00:15:05,450 --> 00:15:07,490
Speaker 2: the safety that I had with him, and I was

320
00:15:07,530 --> 00:15:12,410
Speaker 2: holding on to the idea of I needed this, I

321
00:15:12,450 --> 00:15:15,890
Speaker 2: needed this person to survive, and he knew exactly how

322
00:15:15,930 --> 00:15:18,370
Speaker 2: to make it seem that way too. He knew exactly

323
00:15:18,410 --> 00:15:22,130
Speaker 2: how to make me feel like, oh, this is this

324
00:15:22,210 --> 00:15:25,090
Speaker 2: is what I need because I can't function without him.

325
00:15:25,450 --> 00:15:27,330
Speaker 2: And he would always sort of do this like you know,

326
00:15:27,490 --> 00:15:29,530
Speaker 2: I'm here for you, and I'm here for you, and

327
00:15:29,530 --> 00:15:32,330
Speaker 2: I'd be like, yeah, I know, like it's great, and

328
00:15:32,370 --> 00:15:35,090
Speaker 2: he would always push that side of things to the

329
00:15:35,170 --> 00:15:37,810
Speaker 2: point where I didn't even realize how much he was

330
00:15:37,890 --> 00:15:40,370
Speaker 2: kind of skewing things a little bit. I think I

331
00:15:40,450 --> 00:15:44,570
Speaker 2: had gotten over the truly deeply first love love for

332
00:15:44,650 --> 00:15:47,050
Speaker 2: him at that point, but I think I was extremely

333
00:15:47,210 --> 00:15:49,130
Speaker 2: close to him, and I think I was still in

334
00:15:49,170 --> 00:15:52,130
Speaker 2: love with him. It felt like a five ten years

335
00:15:52,130 --> 00:15:54,890
Speaker 2: in relationship with a husband at that point, because we

336
00:15:54,970 --> 00:15:57,730
Speaker 2: knew each other so well and we'd gone through things

337
00:15:57,730 --> 00:16:01,050
Speaker 2: together at that point, and I was deeply in love

338
00:16:01,050 --> 00:16:03,490
Speaker 2: with him, but he was also just my best friend.

339
00:16:03,570 --> 00:16:06,050
Speaker 2: He was the person that I wanted to spend all

340
00:16:06,050 --> 00:16:07,970
Speaker 2: my time with who knew me better than anyone else

341
00:16:08,130 --> 00:16:11,210
Speaker 2: who I think there was also a sense of panic

342
00:16:11,250 --> 00:16:13,250
Speaker 2: in it now, a little bit like I couldn't live

343
00:16:13,290 --> 00:16:15,490
Speaker 2: without him, Like I didn't know what to do without him.

344
00:16:15,490 --> 00:16:17,650
Speaker 2: I didn't know how to detach. I didn't know how

345
00:16:17,370 --> 00:16:20,890
Speaker 2: to be myself, so I needed him.

346
00:16:21,290 --> 00:16:24,650
Speaker 1: It was incredibly confusing and seemingly not good for her,

347
00:16:25,010 --> 00:16:27,370
Speaker 1: but she kept it going as it was because she

348
00:16:27,410 --> 00:16:30,530
Speaker 1: couldn't bear the thought of losing her person, a concept

349
00:16:30,570 --> 00:16:34,330
Speaker 1: she didn't think she'd ever have to comprehend until.

350
00:16:34,250 --> 00:16:36,770
Speaker 2: Five years after we met. But three years into this

351
00:16:37,210 --> 00:16:40,410
Speaker 2: very close relationship we had, he found out Who's moving

352
00:16:40,450 --> 00:16:43,690
Speaker 2: to Sydney for work and he got Groven a great opportunity.

353
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:48,010
Speaker 2: I was devastated. I was really, really really upset, and

354
00:16:48,970 --> 00:16:51,450
Speaker 2: I would cry and I would get really stressed. I

355
00:16:51,450 --> 00:16:53,330
Speaker 2: would ask a lot of questions about, well, what does

356
00:16:53,370 --> 00:16:55,610
Speaker 2: that mean for us? And why are you leaving and

357
00:16:55,690 --> 00:16:58,370
Speaker 2: this sort of thing, and I did get really hurt

358
00:16:58,370 --> 00:17:00,810
Speaker 2: by the idea of him leading. And a lot of

359
00:17:00,810 --> 00:17:02,970
Speaker 2: that was my own anxieties because I'd obviously been through

360
00:17:02,970 --> 00:17:06,170
Speaker 2: a lot with my family, but it was also just

361
00:17:06,450 --> 00:17:09,010
Speaker 2: having this person who I don't really know what they are,

362
00:17:09,370 --> 00:17:10,770
Speaker 2: I am I as close to them as I think

363
00:17:10,810 --> 00:17:14,290
Speaker 2: I am. He was leaving and I was just devastating.

364
00:17:14,530 --> 00:17:17,970
Speaker 2: I was crying. I remember lying on the bed in

365
00:17:18,050 --> 00:17:20,490
Speaker 2: his house just crying while he was packing the bag,

366
00:17:20,570 --> 00:17:22,690
Speaker 2: and he was just sort of he was trying to

367
00:17:22,730 --> 00:17:24,770
Speaker 2: comfort me, but he was also just determined to go,

368
00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:27,890
Speaker 2: and he really wanted to go, and that was fine,

369
00:17:27,890 --> 00:17:30,010
Speaker 2: but I felt like I was losing my best friend.

370
00:17:30,890 --> 00:17:33,850
Speaker 2: Felt like a breakup. It felt like he was leaving me.

371
00:17:34,130 --> 00:17:36,330
Speaker 2: It was the way that my heart felt like it

372
00:17:36,370 --> 00:17:39,450
Speaker 2: was a breakup. It was the person I'd spent all

373
00:17:39,450 --> 00:17:42,090
Speaker 2: my time with, who was very happily going somewhere else

374
00:17:42,130 --> 00:17:44,810
Speaker 2: without really thinking about what it meant for anything to

375
00:17:44,850 --> 00:17:48,690
Speaker 2: do with us. And my heart was definitely hurting in

376
00:17:48,730 --> 00:17:50,890
Speaker 2: a way that I'd never felt it hurt before because

377
00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:53,890
Speaker 2: I didn't really know what to do, and when he left,

378
00:17:54,530 --> 00:17:56,770
Speaker 2: I was very lost. I think is the way to

379
00:17:56,810 --> 00:18:00,170
Speaker 2: put it, I was very confused and just lonely well

380
00:18:00,170 --> 00:18:03,770
Speaker 2: than anything else. So the friendship when he moved, it

381
00:18:03,930 --> 00:18:06,770
Speaker 2: stayed close as it could. We caught on the phone

382
00:18:06,810 --> 00:18:09,090
Speaker 2: all day every day. He kept talking to me, we

383
00:18:09,170 --> 00:18:12,210
Speaker 2: kept doing things. I visited Sydney couple of times with

384
00:18:12,330 --> 00:18:14,130
Speaker 2: some friends, and when I was there, we would share

385
00:18:14,170 --> 00:18:16,650
Speaker 2: a bed and we would always cuddle and it would

386
00:18:16,690 --> 00:18:19,610
Speaker 2: go back to normal when I was there. I remember

387
00:18:20,170 --> 00:18:22,690
Speaker 2: going to see him, but I would never meet his

388
00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:26,690
Speaker 2: Sydney friends. I would never meet anyone. There was a

389
00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:29,450
Speaker 2: girl in Sydney who he was seeing, and he purposely

390
00:18:29,730 --> 00:18:32,450
Speaker 2: made sure we'd never met, made sure we didn't and

391
00:18:32,530 --> 00:18:35,810
Speaker 2: even I do remember asking him, if we are best friends,

392
00:18:35,810 --> 00:18:37,890
Speaker 2: why don't I get to meet anyone? And he would

393
00:18:37,890 --> 00:18:39,290
Speaker 2: just be like, you're just going to be over the

394
00:18:39,290 --> 00:18:42,090
Speaker 2: top about it. And I remember going, well, if you

395
00:18:42,130 --> 00:18:43,930
Speaker 2: want to be best friends, I should meet the girl,

396
00:18:44,250 --> 00:18:46,850
Speaker 2: and he was like no, no, no, no, no no. But the

397
00:18:46,890 --> 00:18:48,690
Speaker 2: way I found out about the girl was he didn't

398
00:18:48,730 --> 00:18:51,250
Speaker 2: tell me. I was there visiting him one weekend and

399
00:18:51,290 --> 00:18:52,970
Speaker 2: we were sharing a bed and we were doing all

400
00:18:52,970 --> 00:18:56,450
Speaker 2: these things together, and I found her stuff in the

401
00:18:56,490 --> 00:18:58,690
Speaker 2: bathroom and I found her hairbrush, and I found all

402
00:18:58,690 --> 00:19:01,130
Speaker 2: these female things, and I went out and was like,

403
00:19:01,170 --> 00:19:02,930
Speaker 2: are you seeing someone? And he was like, I was

404
00:19:02,970 --> 00:19:05,050
Speaker 2: waiting for you to find it. And that's how he

405
00:19:05,130 --> 00:19:07,050
Speaker 2: told me. And I was like, why wouldn't you just

406
00:19:07,090 --> 00:19:11,050
Speaker 2: tell me straight out? And he basically just said, I

407
00:19:11,130 --> 00:19:13,170
Speaker 2: just wanted to see what you would do, because I

408
00:19:13,250 --> 00:19:17,050
Speaker 2: knew that you'd overreact. And so I slept on the

409
00:19:17,050 --> 00:19:18,930
Speaker 2: couch that night and I talked to my best friend

410
00:19:19,010 --> 00:19:21,330
Speaker 2: on the phone and she was saying to me things like,

411
00:19:21,810 --> 00:19:23,970
Speaker 2: that's just not okay. He should just tell you. He's

412
00:19:23,970 --> 00:19:26,810
Speaker 2: just messing with you. And I'd go like, oh, maybe

413
00:19:26,850 --> 00:19:29,450
Speaker 2: you're right, Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe he like, you know,

414
00:19:29,490 --> 00:19:31,530
Speaker 2: he wants to see what I would do, because I

415
00:19:31,530 --> 00:19:33,210
Speaker 2: have overacted in the past, and I know I can

416
00:19:33,250 --> 00:19:34,250
Speaker 2: be very anxious.

417
00:19:34,650 --> 00:19:37,290
Speaker 1: And was in Sydney for a year, and over that time,

418
00:19:37,370 --> 00:19:41,490
Speaker 1: Amanda did realize actually she could live without him. God,

419
00:19:41,570 --> 00:19:44,890
Speaker 1: she missed him, but she survived something that until she

420
00:19:44,970 --> 00:19:48,370
Speaker 1: was forced to, she didn't know if she could. And

421
00:19:48,410 --> 00:19:49,970
Speaker 1: then he moved back.

422
00:19:50,730 --> 00:19:53,490
Speaker 2: He was in Sydney for a year and then he

423
00:19:53,530 --> 00:19:56,810
Speaker 2: came back and just settled back into life again. So

424
00:19:57,570 --> 00:20:00,130
Speaker 2: I was living with two wonderful housemates and I loved

425
00:20:00,410 --> 00:20:02,410
Speaker 2: there were my guy friends, and I loved them so much.

426
00:20:02,850 --> 00:20:06,930
Speaker 2: And he was definitely a little jealous of that. I

427
00:20:06,970 --> 00:20:09,250
Speaker 2: think he thought that I would stop being friends with

428
00:20:09,250 --> 00:20:12,290
Speaker 2: people without him. And these are people we all went

429
00:20:12,330 --> 00:20:14,050
Speaker 2: to school with, so they weren't his, they weren't mine.

430
00:20:14,090 --> 00:20:18,250
Speaker 2: They were very shared and we had a great house dynamic.

431
00:20:18,330 --> 00:20:21,570
Speaker 2: I felt very happy and like I had a really

432
00:20:21,570 --> 00:20:23,410
Speaker 2: great bunch of friends while he was in Sydney, and

433
00:20:23,450 --> 00:20:26,610
Speaker 2: I was very much myself, I think. And when he

434
00:20:26,650 --> 00:20:30,010
Speaker 2: came back, he did slip back into sort of coming

435
00:20:30,050 --> 00:20:32,490
Speaker 2: to things again, and he came back into the friendship group,

436
00:20:32,610 --> 00:20:35,850
Speaker 2: and he was a little bit I think jealous. It

437
00:20:35,890 --> 00:20:38,810
Speaker 2: came across as jealousy more than anything else, not that

438
00:20:38,970 --> 00:20:41,730
Speaker 2: I was friends with them and not him, that I

439
00:20:41,770 --> 00:20:44,570
Speaker 2: think we were friends without him. He got a place

440
00:20:44,690 --> 00:20:47,970
Speaker 2: really close by. It was ridiculously over the top expansive

441
00:20:48,010 --> 00:20:49,970
Speaker 2: and he didn't need to live there by himself, but

442
00:20:50,090 --> 00:20:53,170
Speaker 2: he got one really close by because every Monday night

443
00:20:53,330 --> 00:20:56,130
Speaker 2: we had a dinner with the people that lived in

444
00:20:56,170 --> 00:20:59,290
Speaker 2: the suburbs we were in close by, and he was

445
00:20:59,290 --> 00:21:01,570
Speaker 2: not part of those suburbs, and instead of moving to

446
00:21:01,610 --> 00:21:04,130
Speaker 2: where he used to live, he moved very close and

447
00:21:04,170 --> 00:21:07,210
Speaker 2: then demanded he was invited. I mentioned to him, like,

448
00:21:07,250 --> 00:21:09,130
Speaker 2: this is just something we do. It's been going on

449
00:21:09,170 --> 00:21:12,010
Speaker 2: for years without you, you know, do you need to

450
00:21:12,050 --> 00:21:14,690
Speaker 2: do it? And he made me feel so bad about

451
00:21:14,730 --> 00:21:17,570
Speaker 2: the fact he wasn't invited that eventually he was invited

452
00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:19,450
Speaker 2: and he was just there. He was part of everything,

453
00:21:19,930 --> 00:21:23,650
Speaker 2: and it manifested in a more of just a guilt

454
00:21:23,690 --> 00:21:26,690
Speaker 2: tripping way. Every now and then it was just a oh,

455
00:21:26,730 --> 00:21:30,210
Speaker 2: I'm doing this, Oh well, I want to come. So

456
00:21:30,490 --> 00:21:33,690
Speaker 2: he was at everything all the time. He would say,

457
00:21:33,690 --> 00:21:35,330
Speaker 2: you know, I want to spend time together. While we

458
00:21:35,330 --> 00:21:38,410
Speaker 2: spending time together, and I would have him there. So

459
00:21:38,770 --> 00:21:40,690
Speaker 2: he was always at my house, he was always around.

460
00:21:40,730 --> 00:21:44,090
Speaker 2: He started to be at everything again. I definitely was like, oh,

461
00:21:44,130 --> 00:21:46,490
Speaker 2: he's missed me and he's come back from Sydney. You know,

462
00:21:46,530 --> 00:21:48,490
Speaker 2: he wants to spend time with me again, and here

463
00:21:48,490 --> 00:21:50,250
Speaker 2: we are, and this is this is going to be great.

464
00:21:50,250 --> 00:21:52,690
Speaker 2: And I wanted him around. I missed him. It was

465
00:21:53,090 --> 00:21:55,930
Speaker 2: it was my close person. He was the person in

466
00:21:56,010 --> 00:21:58,890
Speaker 2: the room who whenever I was talking and like, you

467
00:21:58,930 --> 00:22:00,690
Speaker 2: feel a little bit alone because you're in a room

468
00:22:00,690 --> 00:22:03,050
Speaker 2: full of people, he'd like lock eyes with you, and

469
00:22:03,090 --> 00:22:05,210
Speaker 2: he was the one that saw you. He was that

470
00:22:05,250 --> 00:22:07,530
Speaker 2: guy in my life. A lot of my friends were,

471
00:22:07,530 --> 00:22:09,890
Speaker 2: you know, getting engaged in doing the things you do,

472
00:22:10,010 --> 00:22:12,650
Speaker 2: and I was going, it's okay, it's okay, I have

473
00:22:12,730 --> 00:22:15,450
Speaker 2: this guy, and this guy has me, and every part

474
00:22:15,490 --> 00:22:18,690
Speaker 2: of it was an emotional relationship. It was we went

475
00:22:18,810 --> 00:22:21,890
Speaker 2: immediately back into being those close, close people who spent

476
00:22:21,970 --> 00:22:25,090
Speaker 2: all that time together, who talked NonStop, who were just

477
00:22:25,170 --> 00:22:27,930
Speaker 2: not seeing other people. He never saw anyone else, and

478
00:22:28,010 --> 00:22:30,850
Speaker 2: I never saw anyone else, And like I would go

479
00:22:31,010 --> 00:22:33,690
Speaker 2: and you know, have casual relationships here and there with people,

480
00:22:33,690 --> 00:22:36,970
Speaker 2: but I never connected emotionally to anyone else the whole time.

481
00:22:37,330 --> 00:22:41,410
Speaker 2: And he hated everyone I ever went and saw, and

482
00:22:41,810 --> 00:22:44,050
Speaker 2: I never knew about anything that he was doing, and

483
00:22:44,090 --> 00:22:46,130
Speaker 2: if I did, it was always this I knew you'd

484
00:22:46,170 --> 00:22:47,650
Speaker 2: be jealous reaction.

485
00:22:48,450 --> 00:22:50,690
Speaker 1: One thing that did change, though, when Aaron came back

486
00:22:50,690 --> 00:22:52,810
Speaker 1: from Sydney, they stopped hooking up.

487
00:22:53,330 --> 00:22:56,250
Speaker 2: I did reach a point of I just need to

488
00:22:56,290 --> 00:22:58,810
Speaker 2: be friends with this guy. But it was not a

489
00:22:58,850 --> 00:23:00,850
Speaker 2: normal friendship in any way. There was just so much

490
00:23:00,850 --> 00:23:03,770
Speaker 2: emotional connection there, and there was so much closeness, and

491
00:23:03,810 --> 00:23:06,570
Speaker 2: there was so much getting drunk at a party and

492
00:23:06,730 --> 00:23:10,050
Speaker 2: still sort of saying stupid things to each other, and

493
00:23:10,130 --> 00:23:12,890
Speaker 2: he would be it was character party one time and

494
00:23:12,930 --> 00:23:14,730
Speaker 2: I was singing and he was sitting on a seat

495
00:23:14,890 --> 00:23:17,570
Speaker 2: so close to me and staring up at me, drunk,

496
00:23:17,610 --> 00:23:19,730
Speaker 2: and all my friends are like, that guy's in love

497
00:23:19,770 --> 00:23:22,050
Speaker 2: with you, and I was like, yep, but what does

498
00:23:22,090 --> 00:23:24,410
Speaker 2: that matter now, Like he's not gonna say himself. So

499
00:23:25,090 --> 00:23:28,770
Speaker 2: it was just this constant everyone knew it. I thought

500
00:23:28,810 --> 00:23:30,930
Speaker 2: I knew it. Thing that was happening all the time.

501
00:23:31,530 --> 00:23:34,330
Speaker 1: So when Amanda found out her housemates were moving out,

502
00:23:34,570 --> 00:23:38,410
Speaker 1: it was totally fine for Aaron to move in, right right.

503
00:23:39,170 --> 00:23:41,130
Speaker 2: My best friend told me not to do it, My

504
00:23:41,330 --> 00:23:44,250
Speaker 2: housemates told me not to do it, and I told everyone, no, no, no,

505
00:23:44,610 --> 00:23:46,770
Speaker 2: we are so fine. It's gonna be so great. We're

506
00:23:46,770 --> 00:23:48,970
Speaker 2: in a really great place. I'm really in control of it.

507
00:23:49,010 --> 00:23:52,690
Speaker 2: Everything's fine. And he moved in. It was really fun.

508
00:23:52,770 --> 00:23:54,330
Speaker 2: I had my best friend in the house, so we

509
00:23:54,410 --> 00:23:55,970
Speaker 2: played a lot of video games and we had a

510
00:23:55,970 --> 00:23:58,890
Speaker 2: lot of people over and we hung out and we

511
00:23:58,970 --> 00:24:01,450
Speaker 2: knew how to get along really well. And he got

512
00:24:01,450 --> 00:24:04,010
Speaker 2: a puppy, which she was amazing, and I got to

513
00:24:04,050 --> 00:24:07,010
Speaker 2: help raise the puppy, and it was it was great.

514
00:24:07,050 --> 00:24:08,690
Speaker 2: He was having my best friend around and it was

515
00:24:08,730 --> 00:24:11,370
Speaker 2: always someone that was there. That was the thing. It

516
00:24:11,410 --> 00:24:14,090
Speaker 2: was because it was also COVID. We were working from home,

517
00:24:14,210 --> 00:24:17,610
Speaker 2: and I would just go into his study and I

518
00:24:17,610 --> 00:24:19,810
Speaker 2: would just sit on his couch, and whenever things were wrong,

519
00:24:19,850 --> 00:24:21,450
Speaker 2: my best friend was right there next to me, and

520
00:24:21,490 --> 00:24:26,250
Speaker 2: it was so easy to have him around. I definitely

521
00:24:26,250 --> 00:24:30,130
Speaker 2: started to develop feelings again for him. I think we

522
00:24:30,290 --> 00:24:33,890
Speaker 2: both kept it very separate because there was also at

523
00:24:33,890 --> 00:24:36,370
Speaker 2: that point a part of my gut which was like,

524
00:24:36,490 --> 00:24:38,890
Speaker 2: don't you can't do that again. I think maybe my

525
00:24:38,970 --> 00:24:40,970
Speaker 2: body had learned by that point a little bit more,

526
00:24:41,010 --> 00:24:44,490
Speaker 2: but I was starting to see some cracks growing. So

527
00:24:45,250 --> 00:24:47,330
Speaker 2: even though my heart was like, this is the guy

528
00:24:47,410 --> 00:24:49,850
Speaker 2: for you, there was something in like my gut and

529
00:24:49,890 --> 00:24:53,010
Speaker 2: my head's saying, don't cross online. But you know that

530
00:24:53,090 --> 00:24:55,690
Speaker 2: being said, we were cuddling on the couch and we

531
00:24:55,690 --> 00:24:58,210
Speaker 2: were hugging five times a day, and we were, you know,

532
00:24:58,370 --> 00:25:00,450
Speaker 2: attached to each other, and we were doing everything together.

533
00:25:00,530 --> 00:25:03,610
Speaker 2: So I was basically married at that point. We were

534
00:25:03,650 --> 00:25:05,490
Speaker 2: just sleeping in separate beds is kind of what it

535
00:25:05,530 --> 00:25:07,210
Speaker 2: felt like. We were cooking for each other, like it

536
00:25:07,290 --> 00:25:10,930
Speaker 2: wasn't exactly like we were housemates. I'd had male housemates,

537
00:25:10,970 --> 00:25:11,650
Speaker 2: and this was very different.

538
00:25:11,730 --> 00:25:15,890
Speaker 1: And they didn't cross the line, I mean, depending where

539
00:25:15,930 --> 00:25:18,490
Speaker 1: you see that line as being, but they continued on

540
00:25:18,570 --> 00:25:22,250
Speaker 1: as they always had. The relationship, though, wasn't the only

541
00:25:22,330 --> 00:25:24,850
Speaker 1: thing on Amanda's mind at that time. There was something

542
00:25:24,850 --> 00:25:27,250
Speaker 1: in her life that became a much bigger issue.

543
00:25:27,690 --> 00:25:31,930
Speaker 2: In twenty eighteen, my mum was diagnosed with cancer. It

544
00:25:32,010 --> 00:25:35,930
Speaker 2: started off as breast cancer. So she just found a

545
00:25:36,010 --> 00:25:37,930
Speaker 2: lump in the shower one day and went in and

546
00:25:38,090 --> 00:25:41,530
Speaker 2: they found two different sides and it was awful when

547
00:25:41,690 --> 00:25:44,810
Speaker 2: I did find that out. He was in Sydney, so

548
00:25:45,650 --> 00:25:47,330
Speaker 2: I sort of did a lot of that by myself,

549
00:25:47,690 --> 00:25:49,810
Speaker 2: and he was there and that sort of stuff. But

550
00:25:50,370 --> 00:25:53,170
Speaker 2: across the years, my mother's eldest progressed and kept growing

551
00:25:53,210 --> 00:25:57,370
Speaker 2: and they kept finding things, and so started twenty twenty four,

552
00:25:57,650 --> 00:26:00,850
Speaker 2: her illness had gotten way worse. She was died of

553
00:26:00,890 --> 00:26:04,450
Speaker 2: with brain cancer and she got taken her to hospital

554
00:26:04,650 --> 00:26:08,450
Speaker 2: in about February and she basically was told she had

555
00:26:08,490 --> 00:26:11,530
Speaker 2: about six weeks to live after that, so I said,

556
00:26:11,690 --> 00:26:13,530
Speaker 2: step away from the house more and more, and my

557
00:26:13,610 --> 00:26:15,970
Speaker 2: sister and I were going into the hospice every day.

558
00:26:16,570 --> 00:26:20,410
Speaker 2: At that point, my cousin had actually moved in with us.

559
00:26:20,970 --> 00:26:24,490
Speaker 2: She had gone through a horrible divorce herself, and I

560
00:26:24,530 --> 00:26:27,050
Speaker 2: basically was like, look, I have a place to stay.

561
00:26:27,250 --> 00:26:29,410
Speaker 2: It's a safe place for you. It's somewhere that's not

562
00:26:29,450 --> 00:26:31,010
Speaker 2: going home to your parents, you know. Would you like

563
00:26:31,090 --> 00:26:33,170
Speaker 2: to come in? Would you like to come live with me?

564
00:26:33,690 --> 00:26:35,290
Speaker 2: She was my cousin. I wanted her to have a

565
00:26:35,290 --> 00:26:38,530
Speaker 2: place to go. So Stephanie moved in with me and Aaron.

566
00:26:38,730 --> 00:26:41,410
Speaker 2: We had always been close, but never like like great

567
00:26:41,450 --> 00:26:44,290
Speaker 2: friends close, and she left that relationship and we decided

568
00:26:44,330 --> 00:26:46,490
Speaker 2: to build a friendship up. So I saw it as

569
00:26:46,530 --> 00:26:48,930
Speaker 2: a really good opportunity to have someone that I was

570
00:26:48,970 --> 00:26:51,810
Speaker 2: close to in the house. And Aaron and I lived

571
00:26:51,810 --> 00:26:53,690
Speaker 2: there together for a really long time, so we would

572
00:26:53,770 --> 00:26:55,850
Speaker 2: set in our ways and I didn't see it as

573
00:26:55,850 --> 00:26:59,370
Speaker 2: an issue originally. It all went really well. She moved in,

574
00:26:59,490 --> 00:27:02,090
Speaker 2: We got along out, the dogs all got along. We

575
00:27:02,090 --> 00:27:04,330
Speaker 2: were a cute, little happy family. We went and played

576
00:27:04,330 --> 00:27:06,210
Speaker 2: tennis a lot. We did a lot of things that

577
00:27:06,810 --> 00:27:08,930
Speaker 2: were great. The three of us got along really well,

578
00:27:09,010 --> 00:27:12,730
Speaker 2: and she was really excited to be there. She had

579
00:27:12,770 --> 00:27:15,250
Speaker 2: a lot of time for him. She found him really funny,

580
00:27:15,290 --> 00:27:18,130
Speaker 2: she found him really great. He was selling the funniest

581
00:27:18,130 --> 00:27:20,490
Speaker 2: guy in the room, and he was the coolest guy

582
00:27:20,490 --> 00:27:22,010
Speaker 2: in the room, and she wanted to do what he

583
00:27:22,050 --> 00:27:24,850
Speaker 2: wanted to do. And I just started to notice, and

584
00:27:25,450 --> 00:27:28,050
Speaker 2: I did comment to a friend of mine, she reminds

585
00:27:28,090 --> 00:27:30,850
Speaker 2: me of me when I was seventeen. It started to

586
00:27:31,370 --> 00:27:35,170
Speaker 2: instead of just being friends' housemate vibe sort of thing.

587
00:27:35,250 --> 00:27:37,290
Speaker 2: She started to really want to become close to him

588
00:27:37,410 --> 00:27:41,330
Speaker 2: very quickly. She started to sort of really want to

589
00:27:41,370 --> 00:27:43,970
Speaker 2: be in every conversation and if ever, he and I

590
00:27:44,050 --> 00:27:46,290
Speaker 2: went and had a private conversation with the door closed

591
00:27:46,330 --> 00:27:49,850
Speaker 2: about anything really was we were leaving her out and

592
00:27:49,930 --> 00:27:51,730
Speaker 2: why are we doing that? And she should be in

593
00:27:51,730 --> 00:27:54,570
Speaker 2: there too. When I wasn't at the hospital or at

594
00:27:54,570 --> 00:27:56,770
Speaker 2: the hospice, I was spending time with them, and it

595
00:27:56,810 --> 00:28:00,250
Speaker 2: was this kind of strange universe where they were being

596
00:28:00,330 --> 00:28:02,730
Speaker 2: really close to me and really like being friends with me.

597
00:28:02,810 --> 00:28:05,650
Speaker 2: But then stuff was going on, Like there was one

598
00:28:05,690 --> 00:28:08,650
Speaker 2: time they wanted to watch a horror film and I

599
00:28:08,690 --> 00:28:10,170
Speaker 2: was like, look, I spent the day in a hospice.

600
00:28:10,250 --> 00:28:13,010
Speaker 2: Can we maybe chill it out and not, you know,

601
00:28:13,170 --> 00:28:16,290
Speaker 2: do that. And he got so angry and he was

602
00:28:16,330 --> 00:28:18,170
Speaker 2: like oh and just went into his room and then

603
00:28:18,170 --> 00:28:20,890
Speaker 2: he started messaging me, this is what I'm talking about.

604
00:28:20,890 --> 00:28:22,850
Speaker 2: You're just such a down or you're such a drag,

605
00:28:22,970 --> 00:28:25,490
Speaker 2: like you just ruined things. And I started to cry

606
00:28:25,490 --> 00:28:28,930
Speaker 2: on the couch and I showed my cousin the photos,

607
00:28:29,010 --> 00:28:30,970
Speaker 2: like the photos of the messages that he was sending,

608
00:28:31,610 --> 00:28:34,130
Speaker 2: and she was just like, oh, I don't know, like

609
00:28:34,210 --> 00:28:35,930
Speaker 2: you know, it's a bit. She just kind of didn't

610
00:28:36,010 --> 00:28:38,690
Speaker 2: quite she said it was wrong, but she didn't quite

611
00:28:38,810 --> 00:28:41,730
Speaker 2: react to it. And then he came back out was like,

612
00:28:41,970 --> 00:28:45,290
Speaker 2: let's go outside and do this thing instead, and she

613
00:28:45,410 --> 00:28:47,730
Speaker 2: went off and did it with him. And I remember

614
00:28:47,730 --> 00:28:50,250
Speaker 2: going outside crying and being like, so am I supposed

615
00:28:50,290 --> 00:28:52,210
Speaker 2: to join in? Or how is it working now? And

616
00:28:52,290 --> 00:28:54,330
Speaker 2: I was really angry and he was just sort of like, yeah,

617
00:28:54,530 --> 00:28:56,610
Speaker 2: come join in, and then I was just kind of

618
00:28:56,610 --> 00:28:58,370
Speaker 2: happy to be there. So I said nothing for the

619
00:28:58,370 --> 00:29:02,650
Speaker 2: rest of the night, and I kept wondering if I

620
00:29:02,850 --> 00:29:05,770
Speaker 2: was grieving and emotional and anxious, and there was so

621
00:29:05,850 --> 00:29:08,730
Speaker 2: much going on that. I was questioning myself a lot.

622
00:29:09,330 --> 00:29:11,370
Speaker 2: I can't even describe it, like there was this strange

623
00:29:11,410 --> 00:29:14,170
Speaker 2: vibe in the house. They were being weird with each other.

624
00:29:14,930 --> 00:29:18,450
Speaker 2: She was being very, very keen to be very close

625
00:29:18,490 --> 00:29:21,970
Speaker 2: to him. So he went through a bit of a

626
00:29:21,970 --> 00:29:25,410
Speaker 2: family situation at that time with some illness, and I

627
00:29:25,450 --> 00:29:27,450
Speaker 2: would go along a little bit to the hospital. But

628
00:29:27,530 --> 00:29:29,570
Speaker 2: I also knew him at that point for ten years,

629
00:29:29,570 --> 00:29:31,370
Speaker 2: and I'd known his family, and I was very close

630
00:29:31,370 --> 00:29:33,770
Speaker 2: to his family, and she would get a little bit

631
00:29:34,250 --> 00:29:37,090
Speaker 2: upset that she wasn't invined to come, and she'd send

632
00:29:37,130 --> 00:29:38,730
Speaker 2: things like, oh, if you guys are going to go

633
00:29:38,810 --> 00:29:41,370
Speaker 2: do that, then oh should I come over? And I

634
00:29:41,410 --> 00:29:42,810
Speaker 2: was a bit like, you've only known him for about

635
00:29:42,810 --> 00:29:46,730
Speaker 2: a month, like not quite understanding. But every time I

636
00:29:46,770 --> 00:29:48,410
Speaker 2: brought it up to him, he would just be like,

637
00:29:48,450 --> 00:29:51,570
Speaker 2: you're just jealous. I didn't want my relationship with my

638
00:29:51,610 --> 00:29:54,210
Speaker 2: family to be tainted. I did say to him, look,

639
00:29:54,770 --> 00:29:58,050
Speaker 2: she's my family, and I remember saying to him, please

640
00:29:58,090 --> 00:30:00,530
Speaker 2: don't mess with my family, like straight out, and he

641
00:30:00,850 --> 00:30:03,770
Speaker 2: was sort of a bit angry about that. He was

642
00:30:03,810 --> 00:30:05,530
Speaker 2: a bit like, well, who are you to give me,

643
00:30:05,850 --> 00:30:08,050
Speaker 2: you know, tell me what to do. I was like,

644
00:30:08,090 --> 00:30:10,410
Speaker 2: if you want to stay friends, we just need to

645
00:30:10,450 --> 00:30:14,490
Speaker 2: have I think I said highness, respect and consideration for

646
00:30:14,530 --> 00:30:17,090
Speaker 2: each other, and he was like, I can't do that.

647
00:30:19,170 --> 00:30:23,210
Speaker 2: The next thing that happened was, unfortunately my mother passed away.

648
00:30:24,650 --> 00:30:28,130
Speaker 2: He was supportive, he was there. He turned up at

649
00:30:28,130 --> 00:30:30,370
Speaker 2: the hospice the day it all happened and he gave

650
00:30:30,410 --> 00:30:33,610
Speaker 2: me a big hug. But three days later, I was

651
00:30:33,650 --> 00:30:36,810
Speaker 2: doing her photo tribute and I was borrowing his laptop

652
00:30:36,850 --> 00:30:39,970
Speaker 2: to do it, and Aaron and Stephanie went to the

653
00:30:40,010 --> 00:30:42,730
Speaker 2: shops together and I was on the laptop at the

654
00:30:42,770 --> 00:30:46,370
Speaker 2: house and I was just I was basically tired, just

655
00:30:46,410 --> 00:30:48,410
Speaker 2: trying to get this thing done for my mum's funeral,

656
00:30:48,930 --> 00:30:53,250
Speaker 2: and their Facebook chat popped up on the screen. And

657
00:30:53,290 --> 00:30:55,770
Speaker 2: I am not proud of it. I'd never been the

658
00:30:55,770 --> 00:30:57,850
Speaker 2: type of person to want to snoop into a phone

659
00:30:57,970 --> 00:31:00,210
Speaker 2: or to ask a guy to show me his phone

660
00:31:00,490 --> 00:31:04,090
Speaker 2: or be that way, but I just had this feeling.

661
00:31:04,770 --> 00:31:06,810
Speaker 2: I just immediately was like, you know, I'm gonna do

662
00:31:06,850 --> 00:31:09,210
Speaker 2: it because and I did it, and I'm not I

663
00:31:09,210 --> 00:31:11,570
Speaker 2: am not that person, but I'm so glad I did

664
00:31:11,810 --> 00:31:14,450
Speaker 2: because it was the moment I saw what they were

665
00:31:14,490 --> 00:31:17,410
Speaker 2: talking about. I never felt less crazy. They were calling

666
00:31:17,410 --> 00:31:22,010
Speaker 2: me crazy Amanda every time, and they were talking about

667
00:31:22,010 --> 00:31:25,170
Speaker 2: how crazy Amanda that morning did this, and crazy Amanda

668
00:31:25,210 --> 00:31:28,050
Speaker 2: that morning did that, And the mornings that I was

669
00:31:28,090 --> 00:31:31,130
Speaker 2: going off to the hospice and doing things like that,

670
00:31:31,210 --> 00:31:34,290
Speaker 2: they were calling me crazy all the time and about

671
00:31:34,290 --> 00:31:37,410
Speaker 2: how I would overreact, and you know, they would do

672
00:31:37,490 --> 00:31:40,450
Speaker 2: things like they'd make plans to go and go to

673
00:31:40,530 --> 00:31:42,850
Speaker 2: places and then they wouldn't tell me, and then I

674
00:31:42,850 --> 00:31:45,370
Speaker 2: would feel left out, so I'd ask them like why

675
00:31:45,450 --> 00:31:48,930
Speaker 2: and I'm not invited? And it was crazy. Amanda attacked

676
00:31:48,970 --> 00:31:52,050
Speaker 2: me today about this. They were just bonding so hard

677
00:31:52,130 --> 00:31:55,250
Speaker 2: about me being the worst person in the world, and

678
00:31:55,490 --> 00:31:58,530
Speaker 2: he was creating situations that made me look like the

679
00:31:58,530 --> 00:32:00,410
Speaker 2: worst person in the world, and I was buying into

680
00:32:00,410 --> 00:32:04,290
Speaker 2: them every time. And the horror movie thing, I realized,

681
00:32:04,410 --> 00:32:07,010
Speaker 2: was another one of those where I was confused because

682
00:32:07,010 --> 00:32:08,570
Speaker 2: I didn't know what I'd done wrong, but he was

683
00:32:08,610 --> 00:32:10,890
Speaker 2: just making it seem like his life was so awful

684
00:32:10,930 --> 00:32:13,570
Speaker 2: having to deal with me, and she would say, I'm

685
00:32:13,610 --> 00:32:16,130
Speaker 2: so sorry you have to deal with her. In the conversation.

686
00:32:17,450 --> 00:32:21,210
Speaker 2: I was very, very very hurt, but that wasn't all.

687
00:32:22,250 --> 00:32:26,370
Speaker 2: I saw that they were sexting each other on the chats.

688
00:32:26,370 --> 00:32:29,050
Speaker 2: I didn't read the sex specifically, but I didn't really

689
00:32:29,050 --> 00:32:31,330
Speaker 2: want to know the details, but I did see that

690
00:32:31,370 --> 00:32:33,610
Speaker 2: it was sexual. But I mostly also just saw them

691
00:32:33,730 --> 00:32:36,690
Speaker 2: planning to lie about it. So the messages that I

692
00:32:36,730 --> 00:32:39,290
Speaker 2: saw were the two of them sort of just openly

693
00:32:39,290 --> 00:32:41,490
Speaker 2: saying that they can't tell me and they don't want

694
00:32:41,490 --> 00:32:43,610
Speaker 2: to tell me, and you know, just keep just keep

695
00:32:43,690 --> 00:32:45,570
Speaker 2: lying to where it's okay, you know that sort of

696
00:32:45,690 --> 00:32:49,050
Speaker 2: those sort of messages, and I just I knew, you know,

697
00:32:49,210 --> 00:32:53,210
Speaker 2: I did see him say something to her about keeping

698
00:32:53,250 --> 00:32:56,530
Speaker 2: it secret, and she's saying something back about calling him

699
00:32:56,570 --> 00:32:58,850
Speaker 2: sir and he doesn't want to. They had set up

700
00:32:58,850 --> 00:33:02,050
Speaker 2: this dynamic which was just and honestly, it felt like

701
00:33:02,050 --> 00:33:04,170
Speaker 2: they set up a dynamic which was me when I

702
00:33:04,210 --> 00:33:06,970
Speaker 2: was seventeen meeting him, and I kind of just knew

703
00:33:07,010 --> 00:33:10,210
Speaker 2: what was happening because I'd lived it before. So they

704
00:33:10,290 --> 00:33:13,490
Speaker 2: did come home and I actually, quite calmly just sort

705
00:33:13,530 --> 00:33:16,650
Speaker 2: of said are you two hooking up into the room,

706
00:33:17,090 --> 00:33:19,850
Speaker 2: and he was like no, no, no, no, no, no no, And then

707
00:33:20,010 --> 00:33:21,570
Speaker 2: she wouldn't look at me, and she was putting the

708
00:33:21,570 --> 00:33:23,730
Speaker 2: shopping away, and you could tell she was very stressed

709
00:33:23,730 --> 00:33:26,250
Speaker 2: and a little like sort of waiting to know what

710
00:33:26,290 --> 00:33:29,570
Speaker 2: to say. And he looked me down in the eye

711
00:33:29,570 --> 00:33:31,050
Speaker 2: and he kind of looked at me and he was like,

712
00:33:31,090 --> 00:33:33,850
Speaker 2: what have you done? I remember he was leaning on

713
00:33:33,890 --> 00:33:36,450
Speaker 2: the kitchen bench and I watched his eyes like change

714
00:33:36,450 --> 00:33:40,930
Speaker 2: into this fight mode a little bit, and then she said, well,

715
00:33:40,930 --> 00:33:44,610
Speaker 2: why is it your business? I felt angry, and I

716
00:33:44,690 --> 00:33:48,690
Speaker 2: felt sad, incredibly sad, but it was actually more energy

717
00:33:48,690 --> 00:33:51,250
Speaker 2: than I had had in a long time. I was

718
00:33:51,290 --> 00:33:53,730
Speaker 2: still grieving and I was still extremely heartbroken about my mum,

719
00:33:53,770 --> 00:33:56,730
Speaker 2: but it was this clarity that I finally needed. I

720
00:33:56,770 --> 00:34:00,330
Speaker 2: felt like something just changed in my body a little bit.

721
00:34:00,410 --> 00:34:03,730
Speaker 2: But I you know, I went from having massive cries

722
00:34:04,330 --> 00:34:06,810
Speaker 2: and massive just what is going on? Because I just

723
00:34:06,810 --> 00:34:09,130
Speaker 2: lost someone and I was losing other people. And then

724
00:34:09,170 --> 00:34:13,850
Speaker 2: I went from just being so rage driven adrenaline running

725
00:34:13,850 --> 00:34:18,730
Speaker 2: around and like wanting to know answers. And I left

726
00:34:18,770 --> 00:34:21,370
Speaker 2: and I went to my friend's house and well, actually

727
00:34:21,450 --> 00:34:24,490
Speaker 2: she picked me up and we drove around and we

728
00:34:24,530 --> 00:34:26,530
Speaker 2: talked and I just told her everything and she was

729
00:34:26,570 --> 00:34:29,130
Speaker 2: just like, what is going on? And I called my

730
00:34:29,370 --> 00:34:32,410
Speaker 2: ex housemates on a grip chat and I actually remember

731
00:34:32,450 --> 00:34:33,770
Speaker 2: saying to them, I need you to tell me if

732
00:34:33,810 --> 00:34:35,330
Speaker 2: I'm crazy, and they're like, what do you mean? And

733
00:34:35,370 --> 00:34:37,930
Speaker 2: I was like, I'm feeling like this was really bad,

734
00:34:38,690 --> 00:34:40,650
Speaker 2: but am I overreacting? And they're just like, no, you're

735
00:34:40,650 --> 00:34:42,970
Speaker 2: not overreacting. And I needed someone to tell me that

736
00:34:43,010 --> 00:34:45,930
Speaker 2: before I could, you know, figure that out. And I

737
00:34:46,010 --> 00:34:47,730
Speaker 2: needed my best friend to tell me that. So I

738
00:34:47,770 --> 00:34:49,650
Speaker 2: called her and she was like, I hate this guy,

739
00:34:49,690 --> 00:34:52,170
Speaker 2: you know. She was so done, and she was just like,

740
00:34:52,210 --> 00:34:54,090
Speaker 2: this is what keeps happening. And the fact that you're

741
00:34:54,130 --> 00:34:58,210
Speaker 2: even having to ask people if your reaction is too much,

742
00:34:58,290 --> 00:35:00,890
Speaker 2: because I was in a house with people who were

743
00:35:00,890 --> 00:35:03,490
Speaker 2: telling me it was too much, like what have you done?

744
00:35:04,130 --> 00:35:06,290
Speaker 2: Like why are you even thinking that this is bad behavior?

745
00:35:06,450 --> 00:35:09,450
Speaker 2: And so to the point where I didn't know what

746
00:35:09,490 --> 00:35:12,410
Speaker 2: I was supposed to feel anymore. And I stayed at

747
00:35:12,410 --> 00:35:14,450
Speaker 2: my sister's house for a couple of days and tried

748
00:35:14,490 --> 00:35:16,970
Speaker 2: to stay away, tried to plan the funeral, do all

749
00:35:16,970 --> 00:35:19,610
Speaker 2: the things we were doing, and they kind of did nothing.

750
00:35:20,010 --> 00:35:21,930
Speaker 2: We didn't really interact. I just kind of went, I

751
00:35:21,970 --> 00:35:23,730
Speaker 2: have to do what I have to do, right now

752
00:35:23,770 --> 00:35:26,610
Speaker 2: and I can't focus on this. The next day is

753
00:35:26,650 --> 00:35:28,290
Speaker 2: a kind of a blur, to be honest. I stayed

754
00:35:28,290 --> 00:35:32,290
Speaker 2: at my sister's house. I hid, I planned a funeral,

755
00:35:32,330 --> 00:35:35,970
Speaker 2: which was awful. The day of the funeral, I was

756
00:35:36,090 --> 00:35:38,290
Speaker 2: just kind of I was at home. I just remember

757
00:35:38,290 --> 00:35:42,170
Speaker 2: being alone. Mostly they were just very much just with

758
00:35:42,250 --> 00:35:45,570
Speaker 2: each other. They were just kind of only focusing on

759
00:35:45,610 --> 00:35:48,810
Speaker 2: each other. She was really focusing on him, And I

760
00:35:48,850 --> 00:35:51,210
Speaker 2: remember the morning of I was getting ready and doing stuff,

761
00:35:51,250 --> 00:35:52,850
Speaker 2: and I was like, I just feel very alone in

762
00:35:52,890 --> 00:35:54,650
Speaker 2: this day, like no one's gone. Today is the day

763
00:35:54,650 --> 00:35:56,730
Speaker 2: of your mother's funeral. Do you want a cup of tea? Like?

764
00:35:56,810 --> 00:35:58,170
Speaker 2: I just did all these things alone. But I just

765
00:35:58,250 --> 00:36:00,370
Speaker 2: did them. And I had my sister and my best

766
00:36:00,410 --> 00:36:02,890
Speaker 2: friend flew in from New York, which was beautiful, and

767
00:36:03,090 --> 00:36:06,170
Speaker 2: I was very lucky to have a very great group

768
00:36:06,210 --> 00:36:08,530
Speaker 2: of friends around me who had had for years, and

769
00:36:08,570 --> 00:36:14,050
Speaker 2: they just bolstered me up. But three days after the funeral,

770
00:36:14,530 --> 00:36:16,410
Speaker 2: we got through the funeral, he did come. I did

771
00:36:16,450 --> 00:36:19,330
Speaker 2: actually ask him to come. I remember messaging him and

772
00:36:19,330 --> 00:36:20,810
Speaker 2: just being like, look, I just don't know how to

773
00:36:20,810 --> 00:36:23,650
Speaker 2: do it without you. Can you just turn up? He came.

774
00:36:23,810 --> 00:36:25,250
Speaker 2: He sat on the other side of the room to

775
00:36:25,290 --> 00:36:27,770
Speaker 2: my friends and we hiled goodbye, and that was the

776
00:36:27,810 --> 00:36:31,130
Speaker 2: last time we hugged ever since. But and his brother

777
00:36:31,250 --> 00:36:34,210
Speaker 2: came and you know, it was it was almost like pause,

778
00:36:34,530 --> 00:36:37,410
Speaker 2: just pause for that day. I spent the next three

779
00:36:37,490 --> 00:36:40,450
Speaker 2: days just doing things. People were really kind to us,

780
00:36:40,530 --> 00:36:43,730
Speaker 2: and like, spent time with friends and just tried to

781
00:36:44,090 --> 00:36:47,970
Speaker 2: calm down. I remember messaging them three days after the

782
00:36:48,010 --> 00:36:51,610
Speaker 2: funeral and I said to them, I'm coming home. I

783
00:36:51,650 --> 00:36:53,450
Speaker 2: know we have stuff to talk about and sort out

784
00:36:53,490 --> 00:36:56,410
Speaker 2: and figure out. I have to start work tomorrow. I'm

785
00:36:56,450 --> 00:36:58,930
Speaker 2: doing my best. Just leave me alone, Please, just leave

786
00:36:58,970 --> 00:37:01,490
Speaker 2: me alone. My sister took me home. She took me

787
00:37:01,570 --> 00:37:03,570
Speaker 2: upstairs to my room, and I just I was sort

788
00:37:03,610 --> 00:37:05,450
Speaker 2: of like, I'm just gonna have a shower. I'm just

789
00:37:05,490 --> 00:37:08,090
Speaker 2: gonna just chill into the day and try and regroup

790
00:37:08,090 --> 00:37:10,370
Speaker 2: for tomorrow. Maybe wash my hair, you know, the small

791
00:37:10,450 --> 00:37:12,290
Speaker 2: things you can do when you're green. And it's an

792
00:37:12,290 --> 00:37:16,170
Speaker 2: awful time. And so I told her to leave. The

793
00:37:16,210 --> 00:37:18,690
Speaker 2: second she was at the door. They appeared at my

794
00:37:18,770 --> 00:37:21,570
Speaker 2: door holding a phone and they're like, I know you

795
00:37:21,570 --> 00:37:23,730
Speaker 2: didn't want to be doing anything today, so you don't

796
00:37:23,730 --> 00:37:25,730
Speaker 2: have to we don't have to have a conversation, but

797
00:37:25,930 --> 00:37:27,850
Speaker 2: just so you know, we're going to send this message.

798
00:37:27,850 --> 00:37:30,810
Speaker 2: And then they pressed send at the door, and my

799
00:37:30,890 --> 00:37:33,610
Speaker 2: phone buzzed and they started a new chat with all

800
00:37:33,690 --> 00:37:36,730
Speaker 2: my friends and me in it. The first sentence of

801
00:37:36,810 --> 00:37:39,410
Speaker 2: the chat was, it's been four days, so now you

802
00:37:39,450 --> 00:37:41,410
Speaker 2: know it's been a respectful amount of time, so now

803
00:37:41,450 --> 00:37:45,530
Speaker 2: we can do this. Basically, he's telling their side of

804
00:37:45,570 --> 00:37:49,410
Speaker 2: the story, which was basically a huge, long punch of

805
00:37:49,450 --> 00:37:53,050
Speaker 2: paragraphs about how awful I was. And he started to

806
00:37:53,090 --> 00:37:56,250
Speaker 2: talk about how when he hooked up with my friend,

807
00:37:56,370 --> 00:37:58,810
Speaker 2: I tried to control him. He's had to deal with

808
00:37:58,810 --> 00:38:02,290
Speaker 2: me for years. It was this just paragraphs long. It

809
00:38:02,370 --> 00:38:05,530
Speaker 2: was ranting message about like our entire history of everything

810
00:38:05,570 --> 00:38:07,810
Speaker 2: that was bad, about how he'd had to put up

811
00:38:07,810 --> 00:38:11,250
Speaker 2: with me for years, everything I'd ever said about anyone

812
00:38:11,290 --> 00:38:14,530
Speaker 2: in the Green that was negative anyway. He just defamed

813
00:38:14,730 --> 00:38:17,570
Speaker 2: so hard. And the worst bit is that my cousin

814
00:38:17,930 --> 00:38:21,010
Speaker 2: pressed send straight after him and sent a message in

815
00:38:21,050 --> 00:38:23,890
Speaker 2: the chat with all my friends in it, saying her

816
00:38:23,970 --> 00:38:25,850
Speaker 2: side of the story, which is apparently that I never

817
00:38:25,890 --> 00:38:29,490
Speaker 2: made her feel welcome and I never wanted her there,

818
00:38:29,570 --> 00:38:31,810
Speaker 2: and I never wanted it, Like I was never a

819
00:38:31,890 --> 00:38:33,690
Speaker 2: nice person to her, and I never wanted them to

820
00:38:33,690 --> 00:38:36,450
Speaker 2: be together. And I was always this and that, them

821
00:38:36,730 --> 00:38:40,010
Speaker 2: backpedaling basically, and to try and just take all the

822
00:38:40,010 --> 00:38:43,170
Speaker 2: blame off them, to try and justify everything they'd been doing,

823
00:38:43,610 --> 00:38:46,130
Speaker 2: to try to make me out to be the crazy

824
00:38:46,130 --> 00:38:48,970
Speaker 2: one in the situation. I think for him it was

825
00:38:48,970 --> 00:38:51,450
Speaker 2: a desperate attempt to salvage his friendships, because at that

826
00:38:51,570 --> 00:38:53,930
Speaker 2: point a lot of my friends decided to see what

827
00:38:54,010 --> 00:38:56,850
Speaker 2: was going on and were feeling quite done with it too,

828
00:38:57,210 --> 00:38:59,970
Speaker 2: and they had seen me be really hurt by him.

829
00:39:00,610 --> 00:39:03,650
Speaker 2: The message also hadn't it this is our home, so

830
00:39:03,730 --> 00:39:06,290
Speaker 2: if you would like to come and see Amanda, you

831
00:39:06,370 --> 00:39:09,970
Speaker 2: need to ask permission before entering the house. So at

832
00:39:09,970 --> 00:39:13,050
Speaker 2: that point I went, I'm now being isolated away from

833
00:39:13,050 --> 00:39:16,250
Speaker 2: my friends because they have to ask permission to even

834
00:39:16,290 --> 00:39:20,210
Speaker 2: spend time with me. My friends, bless them, They just

835
00:39:20,290 --> 00:39:23,290
Speaker 2: responded with, look, this is a trying time. We're trying

836
00:39:23,330 --> 00:39:26,050
Speaker 2: to help her through this. This doesn't seem like our problem,

837
00:39:26,090 --> 00:39:29,530
Speaker 2: and they all just left the chat. So I called

838
00:39:29,570 --> 00:39:32,890
Speaker 2: my sister. She came straight back and we sat around

839
00:39:32,930 --> 00:39:36,090
Speaker 2: the dining room table and I begged him to leave.

840
00:39:36,530 --> 00:39:38,570
Speaker 2: I remember I was looking at him to take in

841
00:39:38,570 --> 00:39:39,890
Speaker 2: the eye, and I was like, you just need to

842
00:39:39,930 --> 00:39:42,050
Speaker 2: move out. I'm just I'm so done. Can you please

843
00:39:42,130 --> 00:39:44,730
Speaker 2: just leave? Like the house we were in I had

844
00:39:44,730 --> 00:39:47,730
Speaker 2: lived in for years before he moved in with the boys.

845
00:39:48,490 --> 00:39:51,050
Speaker 2: It was my place more than theirs, and I just

846
00:39:51,090 --> 00:39:53,330
Speaker 2: sort of went, I will pay what I need to pay,

847
00:39:53,770 --> 00:39:55,850
Speaker 2: I will do what I have to do. Please just leave.

848
00:39:55,930 --> 00:39:59,410
Speaker 2: I'm just so done. And he smiled at me across

849
00:39:59,410 --> 00:40:01,850
Speaker 2: the table and he looked at me in this way

850
00:40:01,890 --> 00:40:05,050
Speaker 2: of just like pity, I guess, or this way of

851
00:40:05,170 --> 00:40:07,690
Speaker 2: just like I don't know. It's like he was not

852
00:40:07,770 --> 00:40:09,690
Speaker 2: the same person is then that I can describe it.

853
00:40:09,730 --> 00:40:13,050
Speaker 2: His eyes were different, all the softness was gone. He

854
00:40:13,210 --> 00:40:15,250
Speaker 2: just sat there and he didn't really react. He just

855
00:40:15,330 --> 00:40:19,090
Speaker 2: kind of smiled. And my sister did actually say to him,

856
00:40:19,370 --> 00:40:21,570
Speaker 2: you are a cancer in my sister's life, which is

857
00:40:21,570 --> 00:40:23,490
Speaker 2: a huge thing to say after your mother's just passed

858
00:40:23,530 --> 00:40:26,890
Speaker 2: away from cancer. And my cousin was there, she was

859
00:40:26,890 --> 00:40:29,370
Speaker 2: in the kitchen, she was watching. We did say to

860
00:40:29,410 --> 00:40:31,730
Speaker 2: her a couple of times like do you see this,

861
00:40:31,930 --> 00:40:34,170
Speaker 2: Like do you see what's happening? And she a couple

862
00:40:34,170 --> 00:40:36,570
Speaker 2: of times said, I don't see a problem, and she

863
00:40:36,690 --> 00:40:38,770
Speaker 2: a couple of times said. I did say to her,

864
00:40:38,810 --> 00:40:41,090
Speaker 2: she doesn't have to leave, and she said, if he leaves,

865
00:40:41,130 --> 00:40:43,210
Speaker 2: I have to leave. And I said to her, I

866
00:40:43,250 --> 00:40:46,690
Speaker 2: have been you, I have been you, and it ends

867
00:40:46,730 --> 00:40:49,730
Speaker 2: in this awful way because he discards you, and you're

868
00:40:49,770 --> 00:40:52,970
Speaker 2: watching that happen right now, and she just couldn't see it.

869
00:40:53,450 --> 00:40:55,570
Speaker 2: She just couldn't see it. So I ended up having

870
00:40:55,610 --> 00:40:57,570
Speaker 2: to just sort of say fine, go to the both

871
00:40:57,610 --> 00:41:02,850
Speaker 2: of them, and she was quite angry, and the next

872
00:41:02,930 --> 00:41:05,490
Speaker 2: couple of weeks was trying to figure out the logistics

873
00:41:05,490 --> 00:41:10,210
Speaker 2: of getting them out. I felt very done. I felt

874
00:41:10,290 --> 00:41:13,650
Speaker 2: pretty empty, to be honest, Like it was very hurtful

875
00:41:13,890 --> 00:41:18,770
Speaker 2: and it was very was also not surprising. I think

876
00:41:18,810 --> 00:41:21,650
Speaker 2: I knew him so well at that point that him

877
00:41:21,810 --> 00:41:24,010
Speaker 2: doing that to me was just like, oh, yep, this

878
00:41:24,090 --> 00:41:27,090
Speaker 2: is exactly what he would do situation. But it also

879
00:41:27,290 --> 00:41:31,130
Speaker 2: was my best friend in life just absolutely disgarding me,

880
00:41:31,290 --> 00:41:34,970
Speaker 2: and it was brutal and it was I cried, and

881
00:41:35,050 --> 00:41:38,530
Speaker 2: I just I didn't know how to take the amount

882
00:41:38,570 --> 00:41:41,850
Speaker 2: of grief I think I was feeling the couple of

883
00:41:41,890 --> 00:41:45,410
Speaker 2: weeks it took to settle things down. I feel like

884
00:41:45,450 --> 00:41:49,690
Speaker 2: I was just running straight on adrenaline. I was so

885
00:41:49,770 --> 00:41:54,210
Speaker 2: heavily grieving both my mother and just even just in shock.

886
00:41:54,290 --> 00:41:56,970
Speaker 2: I think about my mother's death and how fast it

887
00:41:57,090 --> 00:41:59,290
Speaker 2: was and the trauma of it all, and dealing with that,

888
00:41:59,490 --> 00:42:01,130
Speaker 2: and then dealing with my sister who had to go

889
00:42:01,210 --> 00:42:03,850
Speaker 2: back to where she was and trying to deal with that,

890
00:42:04,090 --> 00:42:06,930
Speaker 2: and then dealing with his home life, which was just awful.

891
00:42:07,530 --> 00:42:09,970
Speaker 2: I was mostly sad. I just cried and cried and cried.

892
00:42:10,010 --> 00:42:12,890
Speaker 2: And there was one night I came home and he

893
00:42:12,970 --> 00:42:16,370
Speaker 2: was spending time with my family and I was not

894
00:42:16,490 --> 00:42:20,090
Speaker 2: welcome to join, and then my family members were there

895
00:42:20,170 --> 00:42:23,610
Speaker 2: and I just kind of lost it that night. I

896
00:42:23,650 --> 00:42:26,250
Speaker 2: remember sobbing in my room, like just sobbing and sobbing

897
00:42:26,290 --> 00:42:28,850
Speaker 2: and sobbing, and he texted me and he said, can

898
00:42:28,890 --> 00:42:32,130
Speaker 2: you please be quiet? And then I just stopped crying,

899
00:42:32,410 --> 00:42:35,090
Speaker 2: like something just I just sort of went, what the

900
00:42:35,090 --> 00:42:37,690
Speaker 2: hell are you crying for over this guy who doesn't

901
00:42:37,730 --> 00:42:40,450
Speaker 2: care about you? And I don't know what it was,

902
00:42:40,650 --> 00:42:42,970
Speaker 2: something just I just stopped crying and then I just

903
00:42:43,050 --> 00:42:47,650
Speaker 2: went into Okay, we're done. I don't know what changed

904
00:42:47,690 --> 00:42:50,970
Speaker 2: it was just hidden texting with zero care whatsoever. I

905
00:42:51,010 --> 00:42:53,890
Speaker 2: think I kept thinking if I was if I showed

906
00:42:53,930 --> 00:42:55,930
Speaker 2: how sad I was, or if I showed stuff, he

907
00:42:56,410 --> 00:42:58,970
Speaker 2: would crack and go back into that guy he was.

908
00:42:59,610 --> 00:43:03,050
Speaker 2: But it was gone. It was completely gone. This person

909
00:43:03,090 --> 00:43:06,210
Speaker 2: that had been my constant companion basically for twelve years

910
00:43:06,250 --> 00:43:10,330
Speaker 2: and my best friend and my safe place was gone.

911
00:43:10,410 --> 00:43:13,730
Speaker 2: And I didn't quite know how to function without him,

912
00:43:13,810 --> 00:43:15,490
Speaker 2: or how to be an adult, or how to how

913
00:43:15,530 --> 00:43:18,250
Speaker 2: to think without him, or how to to trust the

914
00:43:18,290 --> 00:43:21,450
Speaker 2: world without him. Eventually, when they did move out, I

915
00:43:21,530 --> 00:43:24,330
Speaker 2: was in this big house by myself, and I was

916
00:43:24,810 --> 00:43:27,170
Speaker 2: happy to be there by myself, to be I'm not happy,

917
00:43:27,210 --> 00:43:30,170
Speaker 2: but I was relieved to be by myself because for

918
00:43:30,170 --> 00:43:31,770
Speaker 2: the first time in a long time, I was like

919
00:43:32,370 --> 00:43:36,090
Speaker 2: very trusting of my own thoughts, and I didn't realize

920
00:43:36,130 --> 00:43:40,050
Speaker 2: how much I had been just slowly messed with across

921
00:43:40,130 --> 00:43:43,170
Speaker 2: like years and months at that point and just hard

922
00:43:43,210 --> 00:43:46,170
Speaker 2: gas lit to be honest, and like it was a relief,

923
00:43:46,370 --> 00:43:49,450
Speaker 2: and I threw myself into work, and I threw myself

924
00:43:49,490 --> 00:43:52,610
Speaker 2: into building a life for myself again and just trying

925
00:43:52,650 --> 00:43:56,250
Speaker 2: to process everything that had happened, and so it was

926
00:43:56,570 --> 00:43:59,890
Speaker 2: an awful time, but it was this, it sounds strange,

927
00:43:59,970 --> 00:44:04,210
Speaker 2: almost a relief. So since all of that went down,

928
00:44:04,370 --> 00:44:07,410
Speaker 2: I've really thrown myself into work. I've been trying to

929
00:44:07,530 --> 00:44:11,010
Speaker 2: process grief a lot, which has been really hard. I'm

930
00:44:11,050 --> 00:44:14,930
Speaker 2: still trying to that. I met a guy at work

931
00:44:15,010 --> 00:44:20,250
Speaker 2: who has been lovely, but again, he was extremely unemotionally unavailable.

932
00:44:21,010 --> 00:44:23,850
Speaker 2: I realized that it was the love I was used to.

933
00:44:23,890 --> 00:44:26,090
Speaker 2: It was someone so unavailable and me having to like

934
00:44:26,250 --> 00:44:30,290
Speaker 2: prove they should pick me. So I very quickly went, oh,

935
00:44:30,570 --> 00:44:33,490
Speaker 2: hold on, no, no, no. But it was actually also

936
00:44:33,530 --> 00:44:37,570
Speaker 2: quite nice to be with someone who really wanted me back.

937
00:44:37,650 --> 00:44:40,450
Speaker 2: So it was it was a learning opportunity. But life

938
00:44:40,530 --> 00:44:43,810
Speaker 2: since then has been it's been pretty good. I've been trying.

939
00:44:43,850 --> 00:44:45,490
Speaker 2: I've been working really hard. I've been doing a lot

940
00:44:45,490 --> 00:44:48,290
Speaker 2: of things, a lot of grief, a lot of trying

941
00:44:48,330 --> 00:44:51,810
Speaker 2: to manage the hardest part, which is that he is

942
00:44:51,890 --> 00:44:55,050
Speaker 2: still with my family. So my sister and I spent

943
00:44:55,170 --> 00:44:57,770
Speaker 2: Christians for the first time member without our family. We've

944
00:44:57,810 --> 00:44:59,690
Speaker 2: spent it with other family, but it was the first

945
00:44:59,730 --> 00:45:04,730
Speaker 2: time without them. But yeah, so he's still infected the

946
00:45:04,810 --> 00:45:07,850
Speaker 2: little bits in things, but I don't talk to him

947
00:45:07,930 --> 00:45:10,850
Speaker 2: or go anywhere near human. I would love to talk

948
00:45:10,850 --> 00:45:13,290
Speaker 2: to my cousin again, but while she's talking to him,

949
00:45:13,330 --> 00:45:16,130
Speaker 2: I can't go anywhere ney that because it's just too much.

950
00:45:16,290 --> 00:45:20,050
Speaker 2: But I think I see it a little bit as

951
00:45:20,090 --> 00:45:23,730
Speaker 2: two people who or at least maybe from her. I

952
00:45:23,730 --> 00:45:27,410
Speaker 2: don't know her perspective, but it's someone who maybe has

953
00:45:27,490 --> 00:45:29,330
Speaker 2: not done the right thing and doesn't want to face it,

954
00:45:29,410 --> 00:45:32,850
Speaker 2: and so she's in a bit of a situation. But yeah,

955
00:45:32,890 --> 00:45:36,490
Speaker 2: he's still very much. He's in my family, which is

956
00:45:36,530 --> 00:45:39,730
Speaker 2: a bit gross. So I'm trying to stay away from that.

957
00:45:39,810 --> 00:45:42,690
Speaker 2: But for me personally, I'm a lot better without him

958
00:45:43,370 --> 00:45:46,850
Speaker 2: and even grieving even when horrible things happen. I've had

959
00:45:46,890 --> 00:45:50,690
Speaker 2: to move house, I've had to do like big things.

960
00:45:50,770 --> 00:45:53,290
Speaker 2: I have never wanted him back in any way, Like

961
00:45:53,810 --> 00:45:56,530
Speaker 2: there's no part of me that missus. I miss my friend,

962
00:45:57,330 --> 00:45:58,970
Speaker 2: I miss you know, the person who used to spend

963
00:45:59,010 --> 00:46:01,770
Speaker 2: a lot of time with. But I don't want that

964
00:46:02,330 --> 00:46:05,730
Speaker 2: back ever again, because I'm just I'm over it. I'm

965
00:46:05,770 --> 00:46:08,890
Speaker 2: just over being confused all the time and told I'm

966
00:46:08,890 --> 00:46:11,170
Speaker 2: not good enough all the time and that sort of thing.

967
00:46:11,290 --> 00:46:14,290
Speaker 2: So we're in a journey. We're in a healing journey,

968
00:46:14,410 --> 00:46:18,170
Speaker 2: is how I would put it. Now. The future is

969
00:46:18,250 --> 00:46:20,330
Speaker 2: a lot of healing and a lot of slowing down

970
00:46:20,410 --> 00:46:23,050
Speaker 2: and a lot of taking care of myself. But I

971
00:46:23,090 --> 00:46:25,530
Speaker 2: want to keep working and I want to eventually find

972
00:46:25,610 --> 00:46:29,570
Speaker 2: a good relationship, and I would love to be with

973
00:46:29,690 --> 00:46:32,730
Speaker 2: someone who is completely opposite. I want to be in

974
00:46:32,810 --> 00:46:35,170
Speaker 2: a really great thing and I want to feel very

975
00:46:35,210 --> 00:46:37,210
Speaker 2: safe in something, but I want to feel like myself

976
00:46:37,250 --> 00:46:41,130
Speaker 2: in something. For him, I don't really wish anything for him.

977
00:46:41,610 --> 00:46:44,050
Speaker 2: For her, it's very different. I don't want her to

978
00:46:44,090 --> 00:46:46,130
Speaker 2: go through what I've been through, and I just have

979
00:46:46,250 --> 00:46:49,290
Speaker 2: this feeling it's going to happen because it's a pattern,

980
00:46:49,410 --> 00:46:52,450
Speaker 2: and I'm watching her just be like, this is my

981
00:46:52,570 --> 00:46:56,290
Speaker 2: guy now, and it's just not She can't see it.

982
00:46:56,690 --> 00:46:59,130
Speaker 2: I could see it because i'd been there and I

983
00:46:59,170 --> 00:47:02,530
Speaker 2: had been her. I want her to be happy and

984
00:47:02,570 --> 00:47:05,570
Speaker 2: I want her to be back in my life, I think.

985
00:47:05,650 --> 00:47:09,690
Speaker 2: But it's just it's just I can't force something to happen.

986
00:47:10,290 --> 00:47:12,250
Speaker 2: I have to just sit back and watch and just

987
00:47:12,410 --> 00:47:15,010
Speaker 2: tell my story and hope that it works out. But

988
00:47:15,690 --> 00:47:18,410
Speaker 2: so if they ever are not together, I will happily

989
00:47:18,450 --> 00:47:20,930
Speaker 2: see my cousin again, but I don't want anything to

990
00:47:20,970 --> 00:47:22,930
Speaker 2: do with him, and if they do choose to be together,

991
00:47:23,370 --> 00:47:25,810
Speaker 2: then I hope that he changes his ways and makes

992
00:47:25,850 --> 00:47:29,370
Speaker 2: her very happy. Right now, my focus is on my

993
00:47:29,610 --> 00:47:33,770
Speaker 2: personal healing and trying to grieve and trying to process

994
00:47:33,850 --> 00:47:36,690
Speaker 2: what happened to my mother and focus on myself as

995
00:47:36,730 --> 00:47:37,330
Speaker 2: much as I can.

996
00:47:54,290 --> 00:47:57,250
Speaker 1: Everyone Has an X is a Minti Media production and

997
00:47:57,330 --> 00:48:00,210
Speaker 1: proudly part of the Mum and mea network. It's written

998
00:48:00,250 --> 00:48:03,890
Speaker 1: and narrated by me Georgia Love and produced by Linda Scott.

999
00:48:04,130 --> 00:48:07,530
Speaker 1: If you like We've heard, support the podcast by hitting subscribe,

1000
00:48:07,650 --> 00:48:10,170
Speaker 1: writing a review, and leaving us five stars. You can

1001
00:48:10,250 --> 00:48:13,090
Speaker 1: also follow us on Instagram that Everyone Has an X

1002
00:48:13,410 --> 00:48:15,250
Speaker 1: and if you have a story you'd like to share,

1003
00:48:15,290 --> 00:48:17,530
Speaker 1: you can contact us that Everyone Has an EX at

1004
00:48:17,530 --> 00:48:21,570
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1005
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