WEBVTT - Fear & Lothing 0:00:12.850 --> 0:00:15.570 You're listening to a Muma Mea podcast. 0:00:17.970 --> 0:00:21.290 Mamma Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and waters. 0:00:21.330 --> 0:00:25.010 This podcast is recorded on. This episode deals with serious 0:00:25.050 --> 0:00:29.890 themes including domestic violence, coercive control, and suicide. Listener discretion 0:00:30.170 --> 0:00:32.650 is advised and there are links to support services in 0:00:32.690 --> 0:00:42.290 the show notes. We always hear how great a relationship 0:00:42.450 --> 0:00:45.850 is when it begins. Why else would it right? There's butterflies, 0:00:45.970 --> 0:00:49.490 late night, staying up talking, a sense of belonging, desire 0:00:49.570 --> 0:00:52.490 and comfort, having that one person to plan life with 0:00:52.890 --> 0:00:55.930 who's just desperate to have you around all the time. 0:00:55.930 --> 0:00:59.210 Live in each other's pockets. And that's what James really liked. 0:00:59.250 --> 0:01:02.090 He liked to be very close, always knew what I 0:01:02.210 --> 0:01:05.650 was doing, and always be right there. It was when 0:01:05.690 --> 0:01:10.490 I was away that he would become quite nervous and unhinged. 0:01:11.010 --> 0:01:13.610 But when we were together, and we would spend all 0:01:13.650 --> 0:01:15.650 of this time together, and I was pregnant and were 0:01:15.690 --> 0:01:19.490 always forced to stay home, he loved it. He loved me, 0:01:19.650 --> 0:01:22.250 He loved the belly. He loved the idea of becoming 0:01:22.250 --> 0:01:23.770 a dad and having a little girl. 0:01:24.490 --> 0:01:27.530 But what about when that desperation becomes too much and 0:01:27.610 --> 0:01:31.290 starts looking and feeling more like control, and then that 0:01:31.410 --> 0:01:35.210 control becomes worrying, scary, and even dangerous. 0:01:35.690 --> 0:01:38.290 I saw smoke starting to come under the door and 0:01:38.450 --> 0:01:41.530 fill up the theater room, and my reaction was, We're 0:01:41.530 --> 0:01:43.810 going to die. He's going to burn the house down, 0:01:44.050 --> 0:01:45.290 and we're all going to be in it. 0:01:55.130 --> 0:01:57.610 I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an ex 0:01:57.970 --> 0:02:00.290 Come with me as we dive into a collection of 0:02:00.450 --> 0:02:04.530 unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the 0:02:04.530 --> 0:02:08.250 hearts of the very people who lived them. Meet Sky, 0:02:08.770 --> 0:02:11.170 the twenty five year old single mum of a gorgeous 0:02:11.170 --> 0:02:13.890 little four year old girl at the time our story begins, 0:02:14.330 --> 0:02:16.690 and it begins with a meetcute with a guy called 0:02:16.770 --> 0:02:19.930 James when Sky was moving into a new office and. 0:02:19.890 --> 0:02:22.170 I was really upset about having to move out to 0:02:22.210 --> 0:02:24.770 this new office. And I was lucky that one of 0:02:24.810 --> 0:02:27.490 my best friends worked with me and we were moving 0:02:27.490 --> 0:02:29.530 out to this office together, so that made it seem 0:02:29.770 --> 0:02:32.330 a little bit better. And the day that we moved 0:02:32.330 --> 0:02:34.850 out to the office, I bumped into James in the 0:02:34.890 --> 0:02:38.530 car park and I thought, Oh, he's stunning. Where has 0:02:38.610 --> 0:02:40.890 this man come from. I've never seen anyone like that 0:02:40.970 --> 0:02:45.090 in my life. And after that it was kind of 0:02:45.170 --> 0:02:47.410 He would walk back and past my desk and he 0:02:47.490 --> 0:02:49.570 worked in a different department, so we didn't speak. We 0:02:49.610 --> 0:02:51.530 didn't have anything to do with each other at work. 0:02:52.130 --> 0:02:54.130 But one day one of my girlfriends said to me, 0:02:54.170 --> 0:02:57.370 when we're having lunch, oh, I dare you to add 0:02:57.450 --> 0:03:00.210 him on Facebook? And so goes the world of social media. 0:03:00.370 --> 0:03:03.330 These days, you can just find someone and add them 0:03:03.330 --> 0:03:07.450 on Facebook, and it's this avenue, this way into somebody's life. 0:03:08.370 --> 0:03:10.570 And so I did. I added him and at five 0:03:10.650 --> 0:03:14.170 oho two that night, I was driving home and he 0:03:14.250 --> 0:03:17.210 had messaged me straightaway as soon as work had finished. 0:03:17.210 --> 0:03:21.130 Oh I don't think we've formally met, is what I think, 0:03:21.170 --> 0:03:23.010 he said to me. And we spoke a little bit 0:03:23.690 --> 0:03:26.330 on and off for a couple of weeks, but nothing 0:03:26.450 --> 0:03:30.490 too intense. Bit of banter back and forth on your 0:03:30.530 --> 0:03:34.050 direct messager at work, a bit of talking a coffee 0:03:34.090 --> 0:03:37.490 here and there, but nothing really that was escalating until 0:03:37.570 --> 0:03:40.650 that point that he said, let's go for dinner, let's 0:03:40.810 --> 0:03:44.090 do something outside of work. And I had arranged for 0:03:44.210 --> 0:03:46.330 my auntie to look after my daughter so that I 0:03:46.370 --> 0:03:48.090 could go and see him, and then I'd had to 0:03:48.130 --> 0:03:52.210 go down south that day and i'd come back and 0:03:52.250 --> 0:03:54.650 I wasn't feeling very well. So instead of going out 0:03:54.690 --> 0:03:57.730 for dinner like he had planned, I said, I'll just 0:03:57.770 --> 0:04:00.370 come over and see you if you like, rather than 0:04:00.610 --> 0:04:03.250 going out for this dinner, because I'm really not feeling out. 0:04:03.290 --> 0:04:05.250 The kids have been crazy all day, and I just 0:04:06.010 --> 0:04:07.490 need to chill. But I still want to take the 0:04:07.490 --> 0:04:10.490 opportunity to see you. So I went to his house. 0:04:10.570 --> 0:04:13.930 We just ordered pizza. We were just watching I think 0:04:13.970 --> 0:04:19.050 we watched Focus, which is my favorite movie, and I 0:04:19.210 --> 0:04:22.370 ordered a supreme pizza. I remember it coming with anchovies, 0:04:22.490 --> 0:04:25.130 and I hate anthobies, but I ate them anyway, because 0:04:25.130 --> 0:04:29.210 I didn't just seem like I was pulling ingredients off 0:04:29.210 --> 0:04:33.010 of my pizza. I went home at a fairly reasonable time, 0:04:33.090 --> 0:04:38.290 about eleven o'clock. Nothing crazy happened. We kissed, but that 0:04:38.450 --> 0:04:42.130 was really it. But we were basically inseparable from there. 0:04:42.770 --> 0:04:45.370 Nearly every night we would spend it together, either he 0:04:45.410 --> 0:04:48.210 would come to my house or I would go there, 0:04:48.370 --> 0:04:52.930 and it just kind of blossomed from there. He is 0:04:53.530 --> 0:04:57.330 four years older than me. He is big, musty, bit 0:04:57.370 --> 0:05:00.610 of a body builder. He's got a gorgeous face, he 0:05:00.650 --> 0:05:06.090 has really beautiful eyes. He was just magnetic in his personality, 0:05:06.530 --> 0:05:10.250 and the way that he was drawn to me almost 0:05:10.650 --> 0:05:14.090 made me reciprocate that towards him. He was very sort 0:05:14.130 --> 0:05:17.250 of connected to me and put a lot of effort 0:05:17.290 --> 0:05:21.410 into building that in the early days, and seemed very 0:05:21.450 --> 0:05:28.370 mature and very invested, not like other people that I 0:05:28.410 --> 0:05:33.370 had experienced previously. I hadn't really had a serious relationship 0:05:33.490 --> 0:05:36.210 since my ex partner that I had separated with two 0:05:36.290 --> 0:05:39.570 or three years prior, and I just sort of dated 0:05:39.610 --> 0:05:43.210 here and there, but everyone seemed very immature, very lacking 0:05:43.330 --> 0:05:46.650 in comparison to this man who really seemed to have 0:05:46.730 --> 0:05:50.530 his life together and the reflection of someone that you 0:05:50.570 --> 0:05:53.330 would want to build a future with rather than just 0:05:53.450 --> 0:05:55.850 someone for the here and now to kind of give 0:05:55.970 --> 0:05:59.970 that dopamine boost. We fell in love, as people do. 0:06:00.050 --> 0:06:02.650 We would spend every weekend taking the dogs to the 0:06:02.650 --> 0:06:05.610 beach with my daughter. We would go to the gym together, 0:06:05.770 --> 0:06:08.290 we would go to work together. Because we had that 0:06:08.410 --> 0:06:11.850 connection and that ease of just being able to go 0:06:11.930 --> 0:06:15.610 everywhere together. It was really it just fit. It fit 0:06:15.690 --> 0:06:20.170 together so well. My lease then came up on my 0:06:20.290 --> 0:06:26.290 property about four months in and we made the decision 0:06:26.370 --> 0:06:29.530 that rather than me getting another rental, I would move 0:06:29.570 --> 0:06:33.170 in with him. So at that time, my daughter and 0:06:33.210 --> 0:06:36.530 I both moved into his house with him and his 0:06:37.370 --> 0:06:40.170 two dogs and my one dog and his two cats, 0:06:40.170 --> 0:06:43.650 and we had somewhat of a farm going on down 0:06:43.690 --> 0:06:47.490 there at the time. It was a big deal. I 0:06:47.490 --> 0:06:49.210 think it was more of a big deal for me 0:06:49.450 --> 0:06:53.490 because it wasn't someone moving into my house. I was 0:06:53.530 --> 0:06:56.130 moving into his space and it would still be his 0:06:56.250 --> 0:06:58.410 and it was his home and his house, and he 0:06:58.450 --> 0:07:03.210 owned it, so he had all of the control over 0:07:03.250 --> 0:07:06.090 that situation. And that did scare me a little bit, 0:07:06.290 --> 0:07:10.610 just with the what ifs of relationships, but I was 0:07:10.650 --> 0:07:13.370 willing to do it, thought, why not, We'll take a 0:07:13.410 --> 0:07:16.690 leap of faith, we'll see what happens and hope the best. 0:07:16.770 --> 0:07:19.690 And it wasn't long after I moved in that COVID 0:07:19.770 --> 0:07:22.690 actually hit. So it turned out to be this blessing 0:07:22.730 --> 0:07:24.810 that I had moved in with him, because others we 0:07:24.890 --> 0:07:27.490 probably wouldn't have been able to see each other, and 0:07:27.530 --> 0:07:30.650 that would have been really, really hard after the six 0:07:30.730 --> 0:07:33.610 months we'd had by that point when COVID did hit, 0:07:34.250 --> 0:07:36.370 So we probably would have moved in together at that 0:07:36.450 --> 0:07:38.890 point anyway, just to get around all the rules. 0:07:39.210 --> 0:07:43.370 It was quick and intense and wonderful. Sky absolutely loved 0:07:43.410 --> 0:07:45.770 living with James. There were a great couple and for 0:07:45.810 --> 0:07:47.690 a twenty nine year old who didn't have a child 0:07:47.690 --> 0:07:50.730 of his own, James was great with Sky's daughter, Bonnie too. 0:07:51.010 --> 0:07:54.650 There were challenges and teething issues with having a child 0:07:54.770 --> 0:07:58.490 involved in the situation and the differences of what you 0:07:58.570 --> 0:08:00.690 can and can't do and how much flexibility you have 0:08:00.770 --> 0:08:03.330 in your life once there's a child involved, but it 0:08:03.370 --> 0:08:06.290 didn't seem to bother him. It seemed to just sort 0:08:06.290 --> 0:08:08.530 of we would just work around it, and his family 0:08:08.610 --> 0:08:13.690 were really amazing. Bonnie developed a really strong relationship with 0:08:14.050 --> 0:08:17.570 his dad, and his dad would come and take her 0:08:17.930 --> 0:08:20.410 for walks with the dogs and take her to the 0:08:20.450 --> 0:08:22.690 shops and they would get lollies and chocolates and do 0:08:22.730 --> 0:08:26.450 all those sneaky things that grandparents do, and that was 0:08:26.490 --> 0:08:30.290 a really really beautiful relationship to see blossom. She really 0:08:30.330 --> 0:08:35.250 loved him and he was always very open and accepting 0:08:35.290 --> 0:08:38.330 of her, similar to his mum. His mum was really 0:08:38.370 --> 0:08:41.850 good with Bonnie in the early days and always made 0:08:42.050 --> 0:08:46.810 room for her in their life, so yeah, it felt good. 0:08:47.530 --> 0:08:51.010 We didn't have long before we found out that I 0:08:51.170 --> 0:08:55.770 was actually pregnant. COVID happened, and you're spending a lot 0:08:55.770 --> 0:08:59.650 more time together and TV shows start to diminish, And 0:09:00.130 --> 0:09:04.450 in February twenty twenty, we found out that I was 0:09:04.490 --> 0:09:09.770 pregnant with our daughter, so that was really exciting. James's 0:09:09.770 --> 0:09:12.810 sister was also pregnant at the same time and had 0:09:12.850 --> 0:09:17.010 told us two days earlier before we found out, and 0:09:17.450 --> 0:09:21.010 she also had a little girl the same as us, 0:09:21.650 --> 0:09:25.730 and they are two weeks apart. It was amazing. Our 0:09:25.770 --> 0:09:28.490 relationship through the pregnancy was really good. We were sort 0:09:28.490 --> 0:09:30.850 of forced to be quite close and liveing in each 0:09:30.850 --> 0:09:34.170 other's pockets, and that's what James really liked. He liked 0:09:34.250 --> 0:09:37.050 to be very close, always know what I was doing, 0:09:37.370 --> 0:09:41.410 and always be right there. He loved it. He loved me, 0:09:41.570 --> 0:09:44.130 he loved the belly, he loved the idea of becoming 0:09:44.130 --> 0:09:48.850 a dad and having a little girl. And throughout the pregnancy, 0:09:49.450 --> 0:09:52.650 I think we were sort of focused on having to 0:09:52.850 --> 0:09:54.970 move to a bigger house because we didn't have enough 0:09:55.050 --> 0:09:58.130 room for a baby as well as all of these animals, 0:09:58.170 --> 0:10:03.290 so we eventually moved to a rental and he rented 0:10:03.290 --> 0:10:06.930 his house out and we set up the rental and 0:10:06.970 --> 0:10:08.690 we had all this room and we had room for 0:10:08.730 --> 0:10:13.050 a baby, and things got really excited. I do remember 0:10:13.130 --> 0:10:15.410 when I found out I was pregnant. I had thought, 0:10:16.330 --> 0:10:18.810 something's not quite right in my body. I don't know 0:10:18.850 --> 0:10:21.250 what's going on. And I had done a pregnancy test 0:10:21.730 --> 0:10:26.530 and there was this faintest possible line that it was positive. 0:10:26.930 --> 0:10:29.090 So I'd waited for him to get home and I 0:10:29.170 --> 0:10:31.930 kept this little test in my hand. He was wrapped. 0:10:31.970 --> 0:10:34.290 He was so excited. I remember him calling his mom 0:10:34.330 --> 0:10:37.570 straight away after me, thinking, oh, we'll just wait and 0:10:37.850 --> 0:10:40.250 we'll go and get an ultra sound before we tell anybody. 0:10:40.490 --> 0:10:42.450 But he couldn't help himself. He called his mom, he 0:10:42.530 --> 0:10:46.810 called his sister. He was so excited to have this baby, 0:10:48.250 --> 0:10:54.730 and yeah, it was beautiful. Leah arrived just before Christmas 0:10:55.850 --> 0:11:01.530 in December, and she was born prematurely. She just needed 0:11:01.530 --> 0:11:04.450 to be monitored for things like jaundice. So I stayed 0:11:04.490 --> 0:11:07.570 in the hospital for about five days, and after those 0:11:07.610 --> 0:11:11.130 five days, I was very ready to come home, very 0:11:11.170 --> 0:11:13.970 ready to bring her back into the family and have 0:11:14.090 --> 0:11:17.810 ever run meet her. And get lots of time at 0:11:17.850 --> 0:11:21.610 home with her, but I did go back to work 0:11:21.730 --> 0:11:27.890 when Leah was four days old. In the time leading 0:11:27.970 --> 0:11:32.490 up to Leah being born, James was very adamant that 0:11:32.690 --> 0:11:37.290 my investment property was my responsibility and if I needed 0:11:37.330 --> 0:11:40.930 to maintain that property that I would need to get 0:11:40.970 --> 0:11:43.130 the money to be able to do that. And I 0:11:43.170 --> 0:11:45.450 was on a maximum term contract at work at the time, 0:11:45.490 --> 0:11:48.050 so I didn't get paid parntal leave. I was allowed 0:11:48.050 --> 0:11:49.770 to take parental leave and keep my job, but I 0:11:49.770 --> 0:11:55.650 wouldn't be paid, and to be able to maintain that 0:11:55.770 --> 0:11:58.770 investment property and pay for our expenses, I just I 0:11:58.810 --> 0:12:02.250 had to go back to work. They were very supportive. 0:12:02.890 --> 0:12:05.370 They allowed me to work from home, they allowed me 0:12:05.410 --> 0:12:09.570 some really flexible hours, and it wasn't until Leah was 0:12:09.610 --> 0:12:12.970 about five nearly six months, that I started going back 0:12:13.010 --> 0:12:16.650 to the office only part time. Generally it would be 0:12:16.730 --> 0:12:21.170 one day a week and James's mum would look after Leah, 0:12:21.210 --> 0:12:23.730 and then we eventually had to enroll her in daycare 0:12:23.810 --> 0:12:25.730 when I started going back to work two and three 0:12:25.770 --> 0:12:30.010 days a week after she was about six months. James 0:12:30.010 --> 0:12:33.770 loved her, but he didn't know how to be a 0:12:33.890 --> 0:12:38.770 dad and it became very apparent that the restriction of 0:12:39.130 --> 0:12:43.850 a very small baby was really overwhelming for him. James 0:12:43.930 --> 0:12:49.610 has ADHD and noises really set him off. Leah was 0:12:49.610 --> 0:12:55.450 a very unsettled baby, and the crying would grind at him, 0:12:55.450 --> 0:12:57.730 and you could just see that he was always so 0:12:57.970 --> 0:13:01.330 uncomfortable at home and he really didn't know how to 0:13:01.410 --> 0:13:04.130 react to when she would cry. And it was always 0:13:04.330 --> 0:13:07.450 very much my responsibility to stop her from crying and 0:13:07.490 --> 0:13:10.490 to give her everything that she needed. I had never 0:13:10.570 --> 0:13:14.370 left James with Leah when she was a baby. I 0:13:14.410 --> 0:13:17.810 never started leaving them together until she was much much 0:13:18.170 --> 0:13:22.690 older walking could talk, those sorts of things. It wasn't 0:13:23.290 --> 0:13:26.130 it just wasn't an option. His mum would come and 0:13:26.170 --> 0:13:29.410 help look after her if I needed to go for 0:13:29.450 --> 0:13:31.730 whatever reason, but most of the time it was just 0:13:32.290 --> 0:13:34.170 I would look after her and I would take her 0:13:34.210 --> 0:13:37.170 with me if I needed to go somewhere. It was 0:13:37.250 --> 0:13:41.250 really hard having to feel that level of anxiousness if 0:13:41.250 --> 0:13:43.490 you needed to ask for help or ask for support. 0:13:43.610 --> 0:13:46.970 So me as a person, I feel like at the 0:13:47.050 --> 0:13:52.210 time I just needed to absorb everything and do everything 0:13:52.330 --> 0:13:57.530 and try and be everything for everyone, because no one 0:13:57.770 --> 0:14:00.530 else was going to do it, and if I didn't 0:14:00.530 --> 0:14:05.210 do it, it just wouldn't get done. It was very trying, 0:14:05.330 --> 0:14:07.570 especially when you're working full time as well. 0:14:07.610 --> 0:14:10.010 But moms do what they have to do. Right. With 0:14:10.090 --> 0:14:12.850 two gorgeous daughters, a full time job, and soon a 0:14:12.890 --> 0:14:16.210 new house, Sky didn't actually have time to get overwhelmed 0:14:16.330 --> 0:14:17.050 or too worried. 0:14:17.490 --> 0:14:21.690 We moved house into a smaller property in February twenty 0:14:21.730 --> 0:14:25.570 twenty two. We decided that we could have somewhere smaller. 0:14:26.090 --> 0:14:29.330 It was just that we needed three bedrooms rather than four, 0:14:29.610 --> 0:14:31.650 and it would save us a bit of money. We 0:14:31.690 --> 0:14:34.930 wanted to build a house. James and I had these 0:14:35.250 --> 0:14:39.810 goals that we'd set and once we moved, he had 0:14:39.810 --> 0:14:43.410 decided he wanted to do a bodybuilding competition. He was 0:14:43.450 --> 0:14:47.010 always very into bodybuilding, and that comes with a lot 0:14:47.050 --> 0:14:50.090 of other things that I was accepting of. It comes 0:14:50.090 --> 0:14:53.050 with steroids and spending a lot of time at the 0:14:53.090 --> 0:14:56.370 gym and a lot of time researching and focusing on 0:14:56.410 --> 0:14:59.970 that sort of thing. And given the ADHD, James would 0:15:00.010 --> 0:15:03.170 often become hyper fixated on certain things to do with 0:15:03.210 --> 0:15:07.530 bodybuilding and diet and it was difficult sometimes but we 0:15:07.570 --> 0:15:10.290 made it work. That was part of human I accepted 0:15:10.290 --> 0:15:13.610 that and we just moved forward. So he decided to 0:15:13.650 --> 0:15:17.650 do this bodybuilding competition. And there's something called a prep 0:15:17.690 --> 0:15:20.210 which leads you up to this bodybuilding competition where you 0:15:20.250 --> 0:15:22.490 have to eat a certain way, train a certain way. 0:15:23.370 --> 0:15:27.090 And it was during this time that James had had 0:15:27.090 --> 0:15:29.610 his work a proof for him to take parental leave, 0:15:30.170 --> 0:15:32.210 paid parental leave, as you're allowed to take it as 0:15:32.210 --> 0:15:35.410 a second partner, and he was taking it at fifty percent, 0:15:35.490 --> 0:15:36.930 so he would have two and a half days a 0:15:36.930 --> 0:15:41.170 week where he would effectively not be working, and then 0:15:41.210 --> 0:15:43.290 the other two and a half he would And I 0:15:43.330 --> 0:15:45.890 can remember during this time thinking, great, we won't have 0:15:45.970 --> 0:15:49.090 to worry about daycare because his mum had looked after 0:15:50.050 --> 0:15:54.090 our daughter and James's sister's daughter two days a week 0:15:54.130 --> 0:15:57.210 at this time for both of us to work. So 0:15:57.250 --> 0:16:00.850 I remember thinking, okay, well, Thursday and Friday she'll be 0:16:00.890 --> 0:16:03.530 able to do that, and Monday and Tuesday James will 0:16:03.570 --> 0:16:06.250 be able to look after Leah, and therefore we won't 0:16:06.250 --> 0:16:09.850 have this daycare expense, which will be brilliant beneath to 0:16:09.930 --> 0:16:13.610 me that he had, you know, laterally decided that Leah 0:16:13.610 --> 0:16:16.250 would stay in daycare on Monday and Tuesday, and then 0:16:16.370 --> 0:16:19.210 the Wednesday that I worked from home would also be 0:16:19.330 --> 0:16:21.490 his half day, so I would be at home anyway. 0:16:22.130 --> 0:16:25.330 And then the Thursday Friday that his mom would look 0:16:25.330 --> 0:16:28.170 after the girls, they would be his days off. And 0:16:28.210 --> 0:16:32.850 therefore he wasn't really spending parental leave looking after Leah. 0:16:32.970 --> 0:16:35.690 He was just spending parental leave sleeping and doing the 0:16:35.730 --> 0:16:39.050 things that he wanted to do as a break for himself. 0:16:39.090 --> 0:16:41.530 He would call it. And I really didn't think that 0:16:41.530 --> 0:16:44.250 that was fair, given that I hadn't had the opportunity 0:16:44.290 --> 0:16:46.730 to have parental leave when I had just had a 0:16:46.770 --> 0:16:50.250 baby and was breastfeeding and getting up every night in 0:16:50.290 --> 0:16:55.170 the nighttime with Leah. But I just let it happen, 0:16:55.250 --> 0:16:57.770 because sometimes you just don't have a say in these things, 0:16:57.810 --> 0:17:00.410 and you just try and work it out for the better. 0:17:01.410 --> 0:17:05.930 So in April, he did this bodybuilding competition and he 0:17:05.970 --> 0:17:09.890 was really disappointed with the results. Afterwards, he had said 0:17:09.890 --> 0:17:13.850 to me, would you mind if I smoked meth once today? 0:17:17.650 --> 0:17:20.970 I've done it before, would you care. I'm really disappointed 0:17:21.010 --> 0:17:23.330 in the results. Could you just let me have this. 0:17:24.570 --> 0:17:27.170 I didn't know that he had done it before. I 0:17:27.650 --> 0:17:31.570 just sort of put it down to boys doing things, 0:17:31.610 --> 0:17:35.490 trying things, and I didn't think much of it. To 0:17:35.530 --> 0:17:38.170 be fair, I at the time sort of thought, Okay, 0:17:38.370 --> 0:17:40.770 if you want to do it one time. Yeah, you've 0:17:40.810 --> 0:17:44.290 just been through this really difficult prep for this competition. 0:17:44.490 --> 0:17:47.690 You're very disappointed with the result. Maybe if you just 0:17:47.730 --> 0:17:49.730 do this one time, you have a good night, you'll 0:17:49.730 --> 0:17:53.090 feel better Tomorrow we'll go back to our normal life. 0:17:53.930 --> 0:17:56.850 The next day came and he sort of went out 0:17:56.930 --> 0:17:59.450 with his friends and didn't come home for a really 0:17:59.490 --> 0:18:02.210 long time, and when he did come home, I could 0:18:02.250 --> 0:18:07.130 tell that he was high again. I was not concerned 0:18:07.170 --> 0:18:09.970 at this point. Even I thought, oh, okay, he's just 0:18:10.490 --> 0:18:13.610 disappointed with the results. And since we'd been together, he'd 0:18:13.690 --> 0:18:19.450 never done drugs, he'd never drank, he didn't drink. I 0:18:19.610 --> 0:18:22.570 thought that he was mature enough to be able to 0:18:22.610 --> 0:18:25.570 monitor and manage that and have a couple of days 0:18:25.610 --> 0:18:28.090 where he did whatever it was that he wanted to do, 0:18:28.970 --> 0:18:30.650 and he would come back to his normal life. He 0:18:30.690 --> 0:18:33.850 would come home and he would things would go back 0:18:33.930 --> 0:18:34.450 to normal. 0:18:36.330 --> 0:18:38.930 Sky was sure there was nothing to worry about. Things 0:18:38.970 --> 0:18:40.890 would look up for both of them, and after the 0:18:40.970 --> 0:18:44.210 letdown of his competition. James had something new and much 0:18:44.250 --> 0:18:45.890 bigger picture to look forward to. 0:18:46.490 --> 0:18:50.650 We had gotten engaged in December, and we had an 0:18:50.650 --> 0:18:53.690 engagement party in April and it was fun. Our friends 0:18:53.730 --> 0:18:57.330 and family came together that didn't normally happen. James did 0:18:57.330 --> 0:19:01.690 not like my family. My family weren't particularly fond of James. 0:19:01.770 --> 0:19:04.930 So for me to have everyone together, knowing that I 0:19:04.970 --> 0:19:07.050 was going to marry this man, it meant a lot 0:19:07.090 --> 0:19:09.210 to me that people could start to get past their 0:19:09.210 --> 0:19:13.330 differences and be together and celebrate what I thought was 0:19:13.370 --> 0:19:15.890 this amazing love that I was going to have forever. 0:19:16.610 --> 0:19:20.930 Then just two weeks later, something big happened, something unexpected 0:19:21.010 --> 0:19:24.050 but that Sky hoped could give James something new and 0:19:24.090 --> 0:19:27.370 exciting to focus on, as well as a responsibility and 0:19:27.490 --> 0:19:29.450 reason to get his life back on track. 0:19:30.010 --> 0:19:35.370 In May, I felt pregnant with our son Kate. I 0:19:35.450 --> 0:19:38.490 was very scared. I didn't think that I wanted to 0:19:38.530 --> 0:19:41.370 have another baby. I especially didn't think that I wanted 0:19:41.370 --> 0:19:44.170 to have another baby with this person at this time. 0:19:45.490 --> 0:19:50.330 Every weekend he would start going out. Every Saturday, his 0:19:50.410 --> 0:19:54.130 friends would come over and they would smoke meth and 0:19:54.170 --> 0:19:58.890 then they would go out. His eyes were just starting everywhere, 0:19:58.930 --> 0:20:04.690 and he was talking crazy, wouldn't stop speaking, would walk 0:20:04.730 --> 0:20:08.370 around the house, would scratch himself like his fingers a lot, 0:20:09.050 --> 0:20:12.970 and that got progressively worse, and he was just very 0:20:13.170 --> 0:20:16.690 unsettled and couldn't sit down, was moving around a lot, 0:20:16.770 --> 0:20:20.050 decided he was going to clean out the garage, went 0:20:20.090 --> 0:20:22.690 into the garage and started tinkering around with all of 0:20:22.690 --> 0:20:25.610 these things and just sort of stayed in there. And 0:20:25.690 --> 0:20:28.570 I had two kids to look after at this point. 0:20:28.970 --> 0:20:33.490 I was not in a position to be following him 0:20:33.490 --> 0:20:36.810 around and babying him and wondering what he was doing, 0:20:36.850 --> 0:20:39.730 so I just I left him to it. I remember 0:20:40.050 --> 0:20:42.890 bathing Lea, putting Lee into bed, and getting into bed 0:20:42.930 --> 0:20:45.970 myself and just thinking he'll come in when he's ready, 0:20:46.010 --> 0:20:49.610 and he did. He eventually went to sleep, and Monday 0:20:49.690 --> 0:20:54.890 started as Monday does. But by Tuesday he was very down. 0:20:55.130 --> 0:20:59.570 He was on this come down cycle, and he would 0:20:59.610 --> 0:21:02.090 just take it out on me. It would be my 0:21:02.210 --> 0:21:06.050 fault that anything bad had happened. And there's one incident 0:21:06.370 --> 0:21:12.650 that my older daughter, Bonnie remembers explicitly, and he had 0:21:12.650 --> 0:21:16.130 made rice and he had put this rice on the 0:21:16.170 --> 0:21:19.050 bench in the rice cooker, and I had cooked and 0:21:19.090 --> 0:21:22.290 put food away, and I hadn't put the rice that 0:21:22.370 --> 0:21:24.210 was in the rice cooker on the bench away, and 0:21:24.250 --> 0:21:26.730 he'd fallen asleep on the couch, woke up from sleeping 0:21:26.810 --> 0:21:29.890 and came into my room and it must have been 0:21:29.890 --> 0:21:33.810 in about three or four am, and just started screaming 0:21:33.850 --> 0:21:36.690 at me that this rice hadn't been put in the fridge, 0:21:36.690 --> 0:21:40.210 and he woke up the whole house and it was 0:21:40.330 --> 0:21:44.330 just my fault. And I was so uncaring, and I 0:21:44.370 --> 0:21:46.690 didn't love him, and he was going to leave me, 0:21:46.890 --> 0:21:50.330 and he hated me, and I was a disgusting excuse 0:21:50.370 --> 0:21:53.730 of a human and just all these really awful profanities 0:21:53.770 --> 0:21:57.570 that you could anything that you could imagine, and he 0:21:57.770 --> 0:21:59.850 was just yelling at me that I hadn't put this 0:22:00.010 --> 0:22:04.850 rice away, and I just remember thinking, rice is about 0:22:04.850 --> 0:22:08.530 ten dollars. Why don't we just cook some more rice. 0:22:08.570 --> 0:22:11.010 It's not the end of the world. But this rice 0:22:11.090 --> 0:22:13.450 was specific, and he needed to eat his meal at 0:22:13.490 --> 0:22:16.730 five am because of his diet, because of his bodybuilding, 0:22:16.770 --> 0:22:21.490 and I had compromised that, and that was very confronting. 0:22:22.330 --> 0:22:25.050 There were lots of instances like that in the weeks 0:22:25.090 --> 0:22:27.970 that followed. I didn't know what to do. I didn't 0:22:27.970 --> 0:22:30.730 know how to confront him. He didn't listen to anything 0:22:30.770 --> 0:22:33.090 that I would say. He didn't care about how it 0:22:33.170 --> 0:22:35.490 made me feel. He really didn't care about my opinion 0:22:35.570 --> 0:22:38.970 at all. He had just sort of started to spiral 0:22:39.090 --> 0:22:45.490 into this place where he was the most righteous, important 0:22:45.530 --> 0:22:50.730 person in the world and nobody else mattered. And every 0:22:50.730 --> 0:22:52.410 time I would bring it up, I would be met 0:22:52.450 --> 0:22:57.930 with this complete shock, as though what I was asking 0:22:58.170 --> 0:23:00.130 was for him to chop his leg off rather than 0:23:00.290 --> 0:23:07.130 for him to stop abusing methamphetamines. Kid was born very prematurely. 0:23:07.410 --> 0:23:12.090 He was born at thirty four weeks in December twenty 0:23:12.130 --> 0:23:16.570 twenty three, but he was a trooper. He was two 0:23:16.650 --> 0:23:20.730 point four kilos. He came out screaming he was ready 0:23:21.530 --> 0:23:23.770 to just be in the world. So by the time 0:23:23.810 --> 0:23:27.450 we got to that point, James and I were in 0:23:27.490 --> 0:23:30.890 a reasonable place. He was still doing a lot of drugs. 0:23:30.930 --> 0:23:34.170