1
00:00:12,850 --> 00:00:15,570
Speaker 1: You're listening to a Muma Mea podcast.

2
00:00:17,970 --> 00:00:21,290
Speaker 2: Mamma Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and waters.

3
00:00:21,330 --> 00:00:25,010
Speaker 2: This podcast is recorded on. This episode deals with serious

4
00:00:25,050 --> 00:00:29,890
Speaker 2: themes including domestic violence, coercive control, and suicide. Listener discretion

5
00:00:30,170 --> 00:00:32,650
Speaker 2: is advised and there are links to support services in

6
00:00:32,690 --> 00:00:42,290
Speaker 2: the show notes. We always hear how great a relationship

7
00:00:42,450 --> 00:00:45,850
Speaker 2: is when it begins. Why else would it right? There's butterflies,

8
00:00:45,970 --> 00:00:49,490
Speaker 2: late night, staying up talking, a sense of belonging, desire

9
00:00:49,570 --> 00:00:52,490
Speaker 2: and comfort, having that one person to plan life with

10
00:00:52,890 --> 00:00:55,930
Speaker 2: who's just desperate to have you around all the time.

11
00:00:55,930 --> 00:00:59,210
Speaker 1: Live in each other's pockets. And that's what James really liked.

12
00:00:59,250 --> 00:01:02,090
Speaker 1: He liked to be very close, always knew what I

13
00:01:02,210 --> 00:01:05,650
Speaker 1: was doing, and always be right there. It was when

14
00:01:05,690 --> 00:01:10,490
Speaker 1: I was away that he would become quite nervous and unhinged.

15
00:01:11,010 --> 00:01:13,610
Speaker 1: But when we were together, and we would spend all

16
00:01:13,650 --> 00:01:15,650
Speaker 1: of this time together, and I was pregnant and were

17
00:01:15,690 --> 00:01:19,490
Speaker 1: always forced to stay home, he loved it. He loved me,

18
00:01:19,650 --> 00:01:22,250
Speaker 1: He loved the belly. He loved the idea of becoming

19
00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:23,770
Speaker 1: a dad and having a little girl.

20
00:01:24,490 --> 00:01:27,530
Speaker 2: But what about when that desperation becomes too much and

21
00:01:27,610 --> 00:01:31,290
Speaker 2: starts looking and feeling more like control, and then that

22
00:01:31,410 --> 00:01:35,210
Speaker 2: control becomes worrying, scary, and even dangerous.

23
00:01:35,690 --> 00:01:38,290
Speaker 1: I saw smoke starting to come under the door and

24
00:01:38,450 --> 00:01:41,530
Speaker 1: fill up the theater room, and my reaction was, We're

25
00:01:41,530 --> 00:01:43,810
Speaker 1: going to die. He's going to burn the house down,

26
00:01:44,050 --> 00:01:45,290
Speaker 1: and we're all going to be in it.

27
00:01:55,130 --> 00:01:57,610
Speaker 2: I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an ex

28
00:01:57,970 --> 00:02:00,290
Speaker 2: Come with me as we dive into a collection of

29
00:02:00,450 --> 00:02:04,530
Speaker 2: unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the

30
00:02:04,530 --> 00:02:08,250
Speaker 2: hearts of the very people who lived them. Meet Sky,

31
00:02:08,770 --> 00:02:11,170
Speaker 2: the twenty five year old single mum of a gorgeous

32
00:02:11,170 --> 00:02:13,890
Speaker 2: little four year old girl at the time our story begins,

33
00:02:14,330 --> 00:02:16,690
Speaker 2: and it begins with a meetcute with a guy called

34
00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:19,930
Speaker 2: James when Sky was moving into a new office and.

35
00:02:19,890 --> 00:02:22,170
Speaker 1: I was really upset about having to move out to

36
00:02:22,210 --> 00:02:24,770
Speaker 1: this new office. And I was lucky that one of

37
00:02:24,810 --> 00:02:27,490
Speaker 1: my best friends worked with me and we were moving

38
00:02:27,490 --> 00:02:29,530
Speaker 1: out to this office together, so that made it seem

39
00:02:29,770 --> 00:02:32,330
Speaker 1: a little bit better. And the day that we moved

40
00:02:32,330 --> 00:02:34,850
Speaker 1: out to the office, I bumped into James in the

41
00:02:34,890 --> 00:02:38,530
Speaker 1: car park and I thought, Oh, he's stunning. Where has

42
00:02:38,610 --> 00:02:40,890
Speaker 1: this man come from. I've never seen anyone like that

43
00:02:40,970 --> 00:02:45,090
Speaker 1: in my life. And after that it was kind of

44
00:02:45,170 --> 00:02:47,410
Speaker 1: He would walk back and past my desk and he

45
00:02:47,490 --> 00:02:49,570
Speaker 1: worked in a different department, so we didn't speak. We

46
00:02:49,610 --> 00:02:51,530
Speaker 1: didn't have anything to do with each other at work.

47
00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:54,130
Speaker 1: But one day one of my girlfriends said to me,

48
00:02:54,170 --> 00:02:57,370
Speaker 1: when we're having lunch, oh, I dare you to add

49
00:02:57,450 --> 00:03:00,210
Speaker 1: him on Facebook? And so goes the world of social media.

50
00:03:00,370 --> 00:03:03,330
Speaker 1: These days, you can just find someone and add them

51
00:03:03,330 --> 00:03:07,450
Speaker 1: on Facebook, and it's this avenue, this way into somebody's life.

52
00:03:08,370 --> 00:03:10,570
Speaker 1: And so I did. I added him and at five

53
00:03:10,650 --> 00:03:14,170
Speaker 1: oho two that night, I was driving home and he

54
00:03:14,250 --> 00:03:17,210
Speaker 1: had messaged me straightaway as soon as work had finished.

55
00:03:17,210 --> 00:03:21,130
Speaker 1: Oh I don't think we've formally met, is what I think,

56
00:03:21,170 --> 00:03:23,010
Speaker 1: he said to me. And we spoke a little bit

57
00:03:23,690 --> 00:03:26,330
Speaker 1: on and off for a couple of weeks, but nothing

58
00:03:26,450 --> 00:03:30,490
Speaker 1: too intense. Bit of banter back and forth on your

59
00:03:30,530 --> 00:03:34,050
Speaker 1: direct messager at work, a bit of talking a coffee

60
00:03:34,090 --> 00:03:37,490
Speaker 1: here and there, but nothing really that was escalating until

61
00:03:37,570 --> 00:03:40,650
Speaker 1: that point that he said, let's go for dinner, let's

62
00:03:40,810 --> 00:03:44,090
Speaker 1: do something outside of work. And I had arranged for

63
00:03:44,210 --> 00:03:46,330
Speaker 1: my auntie to look after my daughter so that I

64
00:03:46,370 --> 00:03:48,090
Speaker 1: could go and see him, and then I'd had to

65
00:03:48,130 --> 00:03:52,210
Speaker 1: go down south that day and i'd come back and

66
00:03:52,250 --> 00:03:54,650
Speaker 1: I wasn't feeling very well. So instead of going out

67
00:03:54,690 --> 00:03:57,730
Speaker 1: for dinner like he had planned, I said, I'll just

68
00:03:57,770 --> 00:04:00,370
Speaker 1: come over and see you if you like, rather than

69
00:04:00,610 --> 00:04:03,250
Speaker 1: going out for this dinner, because I'm really not feeling out.

70
00:04:03,290 --> 00:04:05,250
Speaker 1: The kids have been crazy all day, and I just

71
00:04:06,010 --> 00:04:07,490
Speaker 1: need to chill. But I still want to take the

72
00:04:07,490 --> 00:04:10,490
Speaker 1: opportunity to see you. So I went to his house.

73
00:04:10,570 --> 00:04:13,930
Speaker 1: We just ordered pizza. We were just watching I think

74
00:04:13,970 --> 00:04:19,050
Speaker 1: we watched Focus, which is my favorite movie, and I

75
00:04:19,210 --> 00:04:22,370
Speaker 1: ordered a supreme pizza. I remember it coming with anchovies,

76
00:04:22,490 --> 00:04:25,130
Speaker 1: and I hate anthobies, but I ate them anyway, because

77
00:04:25,130 --> 00:04:29,210
Speaker 1: I didn't just seem like I was pulling ingredients off

78
00:04:29,210 --> 00:04:33,010
Speaker 1: of my pizza. I went home at a fairly reasonable time,

79
00:04:33,090 --> 00:04:38,290
Speaker 1: about eleven o'clock. Nothing crazy happened. We kissed, but that

80
00:04:38,450 --> 00:04:42,130
Speaker 1: was really it. But we were basically inseparable from there.

81
00:04:42,770 --> 00:04:45,370
Speaker 1: Nearly every night we would spend it together, either he

82
00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:48,210
Speaker 1: would come to my house or I would go there,

83
00:04:48,370 --> 00:04:52,930
Speaker 1: and it just kind of blossomed from there. He is

84
00:04:53,530 --> 00:04:57,330
Speaker 1: four years older than me. He is big, musty, bit

85
00:04:57,370 --> 00:05:00,610
Speaker 1: of a body builder. He's got a gorgeous face, he

86
00:05:00,650 --> 00:05:06,090
Speaker 1: has really beautiful eyes. He was just magnetic in his personality,

87
00:05:06,530 --> 00:05:10,250
Speaker 1: and the way that he was drawn to me almost

88
00:05:10,650 --> 00:05:14,090
Speaker 1: made me reciprocate that towards him. He was very sort

89
00:05:14,130 --> 00:05:17,250
Speaker 1: of connected to me and put a lot of effort

90
00:05:17,290 --> 00:05:21,410
Speaker 1: into building that in the early days, and seemed very

91
00:05:21,450 --> 00:05:28,370
Speaker 1: mature and very invested, not like other people that I

92
00:05:28,410 --> 00:05:33,370
Speaker 1: had experienced previously. I hadn't really had a serious relationship

93
00:05:33,490 --> 00:05:36,210
Speaker 1: since my ex partner that I had separated with two

94
00:05:36,290 --> 00:05:39,570
Speaker 1: or three years prior, and I just sort of dated

95
00:05:39,610 --> 00:05:43,210
Speaker 1: here and there, but everyone seemed very immature, very lacking

96
00:05:43,330 --> 00:05:46,650
Speaker 1: in comparison to this man who really seemed to have

97
00:05:46,730 --> 00:05:50,530
Speaker 1: his life together and the reflection of someone that you

98
00:05:50,570 --> 00:05:53,330
Speaker 1: would want to build a future with rather than just

99
00:05:53,450 --> 00:05:55,850
Speaker 1: someone for the here and now to kind of give

100
00:05:55,970 --> 00:05:59,970
Speaker 1: that dopamine boost. We fell in love, as people do.

101
00:06:00,050 --> 00:06:02,650
Speaker 1: We would spend every weekend taking the dogs to the

102
00:06:02,650 --> 00:06:05,610
Speaker 1: beach with my daughter. We would go to the gym together,

103
00:06:05,770 --> 00:06:08,290
Speaker 1: we would go to work together. Because we had that

104
00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:11,850
Speaker 1: connection and that ease of just being able to go

105
00:06:11,930 --> 00:06:15,610
Speaker 1: everywhere together. It was really it just fit. It fit

106
00:06:15,690 --> 00:06:20,170
Speaker 1: together so well. My lease then came up on my

107
00:06:20,290 --> 00:06:26,290
Speaker 1: property about four months in and we made the decision

108
00:06:26,370 --> 00:06:29,530
Speaker 1: that rather than me getting another rental, I would move

109
00:06:29,570 --> 00:06:33,170
Speaker 1: in with him. So at that time, my daughter and

110
00:06:33,210 --> 00:06:36,530
Speaker 1: I both moved into his house with him and his

111
00:06:37,370 --> 00:06:40,170
Speaker 1: two dogs and my one dog and his two cats,

112
00:06:40,170 --> 00:06:43,650
Speaker 1: and we had somewhat of a farm going on down

113
00:06:43,690 --> 00:06:47,490
Speaker 1: there at the time. It was a big deal. I

114
00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:49,210
Speaker 1: think it was more of a big deal for me

115
00:06:49,450 --> 00:06:53,490
Speaker 1: because it wasn't someone moving into my house. I was

116
00:06:53,530 --> 00:06:56,130
Speaker 1: moving into his space and it would still be his

117
00:06:56,250 --> 00:06:58,410
Speaker 1: and it was his home and his house, and he

118
00:06:58,450 --> 00:07:03,210
Speaker 1: owned it, so he had all of the control over

119
00:07:03,250 --> 00:07:06,090
Speaker 1: that situation. And that did scare me a little bit,

120
00:07:06,290 --> 00:07:10,610
Speaker 1: just with the what ifs of relationships, but I was

121
00:07:10,650 --> 00:07:13,370
Speaker 1: willing to do it, thought, why not, We'll take a

122
00:07:13,410 --> 00:07:16,690
Speaker 1: leap of faith, we'll see what happens and hope the best.

123
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:19,690
Speaker 1: And it wasn't long after I moved in that COVID

124
00:07:19,770 --> 00:07:22,690
Speaker 1: actually hit. So it turned out to be this blessing

125
00:07:22,730 --> 00:07:24,810
Speaker 1: that I had moved in with him, because others we

126
00:07:24,890 --> 00:07:27,490
Speaker 1: probably wouldn't have been able to see each other, and

127
00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:30,650
Speaker 1: that would have been really, really hard after the six

128
00:07:30,730 --> 00:07:33,610
Speaker 1: months we'd had by that point when COVID did hit,

129
00:07:34,250 --> 00:07:36,370
Speaker 1: So we probably would have moved in together at that

130
00:07:36,450 --> 00:07:38,890
Speaker 1: point anyway, just to get around all the rules.

131
00:07:39,210 --> 00:07:43,370
Speaker 2: It was quick and intense and wonderful. Sky absolutely loved

132
00:07:43,410 --> 00:07:45,770
Speaker 2: living with James. There were a great couple and for

133
00:07:45,810 --> 00:07:47,690
Speaker 2: a twenty nine year old who didn't have a child

134
00:07:47,690 --> 00:07:50,730
Speaker 2: of his own, James was great with Sky's daughter, Bonnie too.

135
00:07:51,010 --> 00:07:54,650
Speaker 1: There were challenges and teething issues with having a child

136
00:07:54,770 --> 00:07:58,490
Speaker 1: involved in the situation and the differences of what you

137
00:07:58,570 --> 00:08:00,690
Speaker 1: can and can't do and how much flexibility you have

138
00:08:00,770 --> 00:08:03,330
Speaker 1: in your life once there's a child involved, but it

139
00:08:03,370 --> 00:08:06,290
Speaker 1: didn't seem to bother him. It seemed to just sort

140
00:08:06,290 --> 00:08:08,530
Speaker 1: of we would just work around it, and his family

141
00:08:08,610 --> 00:08:13,690
Speaker 1: were really amazing. Bonnie developed a really strong relationship with

142
00:08:14,050 --> 00:08:17,570
Speaker 1: his dad, and his dad would come and take her

143
00:08:17,930 --> 00:08:20,410
Speaker 1: for walks with the dogs and take her to the

144
00:08:20,450 --> 00:08:22,690
Speaker 1: shops and they would get lollies and chocolates and do

145
00:08:22,730 --> 00:08:26,450
Speaker 1: all those sneaky things that grandparents do, and that was

146
00:08:26,490 --> 00:08:30,290
Speaker 1: a really really beautiful relationship to see blossom. She really

147
00:08:30,330 --> 00:08:35,250
Speaker 1: loved him and he was always very open and accepting

148
00:08:35,290 --> 00:08:38,330
Speaker 1: of her, similar to his mum. His mum was really

149
00:08:38,370 --> 00:08:41,850
Speaker 1: good with Bonnie in the early days and always made

150
00:08:42,050 --> 00:08:46,810
Speaker 1: room for her in their life, so yeah, it felt good.

151
00:08:47,530 --> 00:08:51,010
Speaker 1: We didn't have long before we found out that I

152
00:08:51,170 --> 00:08:55,770
Speaker 1: was actually pregnant. COVID happened, and you're spending a lot

153
00:08:55,770 --> 00:08:59,650
Speaker 1: more time together and TV shows start to diminish, And

154
00:09:00,130 --> 00:09:04,450
Speaker 1: in February twenty twenty, we found out that I was

155
00:09:04,490 --> 00:09:09,770
Speaker 1: pregnant with our daughter, so that was really exciting. James's

156
00:09:09,770 --> 00:09:12,810
Speaker 1: sister was also pregnant at the same time and had

157
00:09:12,850 --> 00:09:17,010
Speaker 1: told us two days earlier before we found out, and

158
00:09:17,450 --> 00:09:21,010
Speaker 1: she also had a little girl the same as us,

159
00:09:21,650 --> 00:09:25,730
Speaker 1: and they are two weeks apart. It was amazing. Our

160
00:09:25,770 --> 00:09:28,490
Speaker 1: relationship through the pregnancy was really good. We were sort

161
00:09:28,490 --> 00:09:30,850
Speaker 1: of forced to be quite close and liveing in each

162
00:09:30,850 --> 00:09:34,170
Speaker 1: other's pockets, and that's what James really liked. He liked

163
00:09:34,250 --> 00:09:37,050
Speaker 1: to be very close, always know what I was doing,

164
00:09:37,370 --> 00:09:41,410
Speaker 1: and always be right there. He loved it. He loved me,

165
00:09:41,570 --> 00:09:44,130
Speaker 1: he loved the belly, he loved the idea of becoming

166
00:09:44,130 --> 00:09:48,850
Speaker 1: a dad and having a little girl. And throughout the pregnancy,

167
00:09:49,450 --> 00:09:52,650
Speaker 1: I think we were sort of focused on having to

168
00:09:52,850 --> 00:09:54,970
Speaker 1: move to a bigger house because we didn't have enough

169
00:09:55,050 --> 00:09:58,130
Speaker 1: room for a baby as well as all of these animals,

170
00:09:58,170 --> 00:10:03,290
Speaker 1: so we eventually moved to a rental and he rented

171
00:10:03,290 --> 00:10:06,930
Speaker 1: his house out and we set up the rental and

172
00:10:06,970 --> 00:10:08,690
Speaker 1: we had all this room and we had room for

173
00:10:08,730 --> 00:10:13,050
Speaker 1: a baby, and things got really excited. I do remember

174
00:10:13,130 --> 00:10:15,410
Speaker 1: when I found out I was pregnant. I had thought,

175
00:10:16,330 --> 00:10:18,810
Speaker 1: something's not quite right in my body. I don't know

176
00:10:18,850 --> 00:10:21,250
Speaker 1: what's going on. And I had done a pregnancy test

177
00:10:21,730 --> 00:10:26,530
Speaker 1: and there was this faintest possible line that it was positive.

178
00:10:26,930 --> 00:10:29,090
Speaker 1: So I'd waited for him to get home and I

179
00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:31,930
Speaker 1: kept this little test in my hand. He was wrapped.

180
00:10:31,970 --> 00:10:34,290
Speaker 1: He was so excited. I remember him calling his mom

181
00:10:34,330 --> 00:10:37,570
Speaker 1: straight away after me, thinking, oh, we'll just wait and

182
00:10:37,850 --> 00:10:40,250
Speaker 1: we'll go and get an ultra sound before we tell anybody.

183
00:10:40,490 --> 00:10:42,450
Speaker 1: But he couldn't help himself. He called his mom, he

184
00:10:42,530 --> 00:10:46,810
Speaker 1: called his sister. He was so excited to have this baby,

185
00:10:48,250 --> 00:10:54,730
Speaker 1: and yeah, it was beautiful. Leah arrived just before Christmas

186
00:10:55,850 --> 00:11:01,530
Speaker 1: in December, and she was born prematurely. She just needed

187
00:11:01,530 --> 00:11:04,450
Speaker 1: to be monitored for things like jaundice. So I stayed

188
00:11:04,490 --> 00:11:07,570
Speaker 1: in the hospital for about five days, and after those

189
00:11:07,610 --> 00:11:11,130
Speaker 1: five days, I was very ready to come home, very

190
00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:13,970
Speaker 1: ready to bring her back into the family and have

191
00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:17,810
Speaker 1: ever run meet her. And get lots of time at

192
00:11:17,850 --> 00:11:21,610
Speaker 1: home with her, but I did go back to work

193
00:11:21,730 --> 00:11:27,890
Speaker 1: when Leah was four days old. In the time leading

194
00:11:27,970 --> 00:11:32,490
Speaker 1: up to Leah being born, James was very adamant that

195
00:11:32,690 --> 00:11:37,290
Speaker 1: my investment property was my responsibility and if I needed

196
00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:40,930
Speaker 1: to maintain that property that I would need to get

197
00:11:40,970 --> 00:11:43,130
Speaker 1: the money to be able to do that. And I

198
00:11:43,170 --> 00:11:45,450
Speaker 1: was on a maximum term contract at work at the time,

199
00:11:45,490 --> 00:11:48,050
Speaker 1: so I didn't get paid parntal leave. I was allowed

200
00:11:48,050 --> 00:11:49,770
Speaker 1: to take parental leave and keep my job, but I

201
00:11:49,770 --> 00:11:55,650
Speaker 1: wouldn't be paid, and to be able to maintain that

202
00:11:55,770 --> 00:11:58,770
Speaker 1: investment property and pay for our expenses, I just I

203
00:11:58,810 --> 00:12:02,250
Speaker 1: had to go back to work. They were very supportive.

204
00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:05,370
Speaker 1: They allowed me to work from home, they allowed me

205
00:12:05,410 --> 00:12:09,570
Speaker 1: some really flexible hours, and it wasn't until Leah was

206
00:12:09,610 --> 00:12:12,970
Speaker 1: about five nearly six months, that I started going back

207
00:12:13,010 --> 00:12:16,650
Speaker 1: to the office only part time. Generally it would be

208
00:12:16,730 --> 00:12:21,170
Speaker 1: one day a week and James's mum would look after Leah,

209
00:12:21,210 --> 00:12:23,730
Speaker 1: and then we eventually had to enroll her in daycare

210
00:12:23,810 --> 00:12:25,730
Speaker 1: when I started going back to work two and three

211
00:12:25,770 --> 00:12:30,010
Speaker 1: days a week after she was about six months. James

212
00:12:30,010 --> 00:12:33,770
Speaker 1: loved her, but he didn't know how to be a

213
00:12:33,890 --> 00:12:38,770
Speaker 1: dad and it became very apparent that the restriction of

214
00:12:39,130 --> 00:12:43,850
Speaker 1: a very small baby was really overwhelming for him. James

215
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:49,610
Speaker 1: has ADHD and noises really set him off. Leah was

216
00:12:49,610 --> 00:12:55,450
Speaker 1: a very unsettled baby, and the crying would grind at him,

217
00:12:55,450 --> 00:12:57,730
Speaker 1: and you could just see that he was always so

218
00:12:57,970 --> 00:13:01,330
Speaker 1: uncomfortable at home and he really didn't know how to

219
00:13:01,410 --> 00:13:04,130
Speaker 1: react to when she would cry. And it was always

220
00:13:04,330 --> 00:13:07,450
Speaker 1: very much my responsibility to stop her from crying and

221
00:13:07,490 --> 00:13:10,490
Speaker 1: to give her everything that she needed. I had never

222
00:13:10,570 --> 00:13:14,370
Speaker 1: left James with Leah when she was a baby. I

223
00:13:14,410 --> 00:13:17,810
Speaker 1: never started leaving them together until she was much much

224
00:13:18,170 --> 00:13:22,690
Speaker 1: older walking could talk, those sorts of things. It wasn't

225
00:13:23,290 --> 00:13:26,130
Speaker 1: it just wasn't an option. His mum would come and

226
00:13:26,170 --> 00:13:29,410
Speaker 1: help look after her if I needed to go for

227
00:13:29,450 --> 00:13:31,730
Speaker 1: whatever reason, but most of the time it was just

228
00:13:32,290 --> 00:13:34,170
Speaker 1: I would look after her and I would take her

229
00:13:34,210 --> 00:13:37,170
Speaker 1: with me if I needed to go somewhere. It was

230
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:41,250
Speaker 1: really hard having to feel that level of anxiousness if

231
00:13:41,250 --> 00:13:43,490
Speaker 1: you needed to ask for help or ask for support.

232
00:13:43,610 --> 00:13:46,970
Speaker 1: So me as a person, I feel like at the

233
00:13:47,050 --> 00:13:52,210
Speaker 1: time I just needed to absorb everything and do everything

234
00:13:52,330 --> 00:13:57,530
Speaker 1: and try and be everything for everyone, because no one

235
00:13:57,770 --> 00:14:00,530
Speaker 1: else was going to do it, and if I didn't

236
00:14:00,530 --> 00:14:05,210
Speaker 1: do it, it just wouldn't get done. It was very trying,

237
00:14:05,330 --> 00:14:07,570
Speaker 1: especially when you're working full time as well.

238
00:14:07,610 --> 00:14:10,010
Speaker 2: But moms do what they have to do. Right. With

239
00:14:10,090 --> 00:14:12,850
Speaker 2: two gorgeous daughters, a full time job, and soon a

240
00:14:12,890 --> 00:14:16,210
Speaker 2: new house, Sky didn't actually have time to get overwhelmed

241
00:14:16,330 --> 00:14:17,050
Speaker 2: or too worried.

242
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:21,690
Speaker 1: We moved house into a smaller property in February twenty

243
00:14:21,730 --> 00:14:25,570
Speaker 1: twenty two. We decided that we could have somewhere smaller.

244
00:14:26,090 --> 00:14:29,330
Speaker 1: It was just that we needed three bedrooms rather than four,

245
00:14:29,610 --> 00:14:31,650
Speaker 1: and it would save us a bit of money. We

246
00:14:31,690 --> 00:14:34,930
Speaker 1: wanted to build a house. James and I had these

247
00:14:35,250 --> 00:14:39,810
Speaker 1: goals that we'd set and once we moved, he had

248
00:14:39,810 --> 00:14:43,410
Speaker 1: decided he wanted to do a bodybuilding competition. He was

249
00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:47,010
Speaker 1: always very into bodybuilding, and that comes with a lot

250
00:14:47,050 --> 00:14:50,090
Speaker 1: of other things that I was accepting of. It comes

251
00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:53,050
Speaker 1: with steroids and spending a lot of time at the

252
00:14:53,090 --> 00:14:56,370
Speaker 1: gym and a lot of time researching and focusing on

253
00:14:56,410 --> 00:14:59,970
Speaker 1: that sort of thing. And given the ADHD, James would

254
00:15:00,010 --> 00:15:03,170
Speaker 1: often become hyper fixated on certain things to do with

255
00:15:03,210 --> 00:15:07,530
Speaker 1: bodybuilding and diet and it was difficult sometimes but we

256
00:15:07,570 --> 00:15:10,290
Speaker 1: made it work. That was part of human I accepted

257
00:15:10,290 --> 00:15:13,610
Speaker 1: that and we just moved forward. So he decided to

258
00:15:13,650 --> 00:15:17,650
Speaker 1: do this bodybuilding competition. And there's something called a prep

259
00:15:17,690 --> 00:15:20,210
Speaker 1: which leads you up to this bodybuilding competition where you

260
00:15:20,250 --> 00:15:22,490
Speaker 1: have to eat a certain way, train a certain way.

261
00:15:23,370 --> 00:15:27,090
Speaker 1: And it was during this time that James had had

262
00:15:27,090 --> 00:15:29,610
Speaker 1: his work a proof for him to take parental leave,

263
00:15:30,170 --> 00:15:32,210
Speaker 1: paid parental leave, as you're allowed to take it as

264
00:15:32,210 --> 00:15:35,410
Speaker 1: a second partner, and he was taking it at fifty percent,

265
00:15:35,490 --> 00:15:36,930
Speaker 1: so he would have two and a half days a

266
00:15:36,930 --> 00:15:41,170
Speaker 1: week where he would effectively not be working, and then

267
00:15:41,210 --> 00:15:43,290
Speaker 1: the other two and a half he would And I

268
00:15:43,330 --> 00:15:45,890
Speaker 1: can remember during this time thinking, great, we won't have

269
00:15:45,970 --> 00:15:49,090
Speaker 1: to worry about daycare because his mum had looked after

270
00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:54,090
Speaker 1: our daughter and James's sister's daughter two days a week

271
00:15:54,130 --> 00:15:57,210
Speaker 1: at this time for both of us to work. So

272
00:15:57,250 --> 00:16:00,850
Speaker 1: I remember thinking, okay, well, Thursday and Friday she'll be

273
00:16:00,890 --> 00:16:03,530
Speaker 1: able to do that, and Monday and Tuesday James will

274
00:16:03,570 --> 00:16:06,250
Speaker 1: be able to look after Leah, and therefore we won't

275
00:16:06,250 --> 00:16:09,850
Speaker 1: have this daycare expense, which will be brilliant beneath to

276
00:16:09,930 --> 00:16:13,610
Speaker 1: me that he had, you know, laterally decided that Leah

277
00:16:13,610 --> 00:16:16,250
Speaker 1: would stay in daycare on Monday and Tuesday, and then

278
00:16:16,370 --> 00:16:19,210
Speaker 1: the Wednesday that I worked from home would also be

279
00:16:19,330 --> 00:16:21,490
Speaker 1: his half day, so I would be at home anyway.

280
00:16:22,130 --> 00:16:25,330
Speaker 1: And then the Thursday Friday that his mom would look

281
00:16:25,330 --> 00:16:28,170
Speaker 1: after the girls, they would be his days off. And

282
00:16:28,210 --> 00:16:32,850
Speaker 1: therefore he wasn't really spending parental leave looking after Leah.

283
00:16:32,970 --> 00:16:35,690
Speaker 1: He was just spending parental leave sleeping and doing the

284
00:16:35,730 --> 00:16:39,050
Speaker 1: things that he wanted to do as a break for himself.

285
00:16:39,090 --> 00:16:41,530
Speaker 1: He would call it. And I really didn't think that

286
00:16:41,530 --> 00:16:44,250
Speaker 1: that was fair, given that I hadn't had the opportunity

287
00:16:44,290 --> 00:16:46,730
Speaker 1: to have parental leave when I had just had a

288
00:16:46,770 --> 00:16:50,250
Speaker 1: baby and was breastfeeding and getting up every night in

289
00:16:50,290 --> 00:16:55,170
Speaker 1: the nighttime with Leah. But I just let it happen,

290
00:16:55,250 --> 00:16:57,770
Speaker 1: because sometimes you just don't have a say in these things,

291
00:16:57,810 --> 00:17:00,410
Speaker 1: and you just try and work it out for the better.

292
00:17:01,410 --> 00:17:05,930
Speaker 1: So in April, he did this bodybuilding competition and he

293
00:17:05,970 --> 00:17:09,890
Speaker 1: was really disappointed with the results. Afterwards, he had said

294
00:17:09,890 --> 00:17:13,850
Speaker 1: to me, would you mind if I smoked meth once today?

295
00:17:17,650 --> 00:17:20,970
Speaker 1: I've done it before, would you care. I'm really disappointed

296
00:17:21,010 --> 00:17:23,330
Speaker 1: in the results. Could you just let me have this.

297
00:17:24,570 --> 00:17:27,170
Speaker 1: I didn't know that he had done it before. I

298
00:17:27,650 --> 00:17:31,570
Speaker 1: just sort of put it down to boys doing things,

299
00:17:31,610 --> 00:17:35,490
Speaker 1: trying things, and I didn't think much of it. To

300
00:17:35,530 --> 00:17:38,170
Speaker 1: be fair, I at the time sort of thought, Okay,

301
00:17:38,370 --> 00:17:40,770
Speaker 1: if you want to do it one time. Yeah, you've

302
00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:44,290
Speaker 1: just been through this really difficult prep for this competition.

303
00:17:44,490 --> 00:17:47,690
Speaker 1: You're very disappointed with the result. Maybe if you just

304
00:17:47,730 --> 00:17:49,730
Speaker 1: do this one time, you have a good night, you'll

305
00:17:49,730 --> 00:17:53,090
Speaker 1: feel better Tomorrow we'll go back to our normal life.

306
00:17:53,930 --> 00:17:56,850
Speaker 1: The next day came and he sort of went out

307
00:17:56,930 --> 00:17:59,450
Speaker 1: with his friends and didn't come home for a really

308
00:17:59,490 --> 00:18:02,210
Speaker 1: long time, and when he did come home, I could

309
00:18:02,250 --> 00:18:07,130
Speaker 1: tell that he was high again. I was not concerned

310
00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:09,970
Speaker 1: at this point. Even I thought, oh, okay, he's just

311
00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:13,610
Speaker 1: disappointed with the results. And since we'd been together, he'd

312
00:18:13,690 --> 00:18:19,450
Speaker 1: never done drugs, he'd never drank, he didn't drink. I

313
00:18:19,610 --> 00:18:22,570
Speaker 1: thought that he was mature enough to be able to

314
00:18:22,610 --> 00:18:25,570
Speaker 1: monitor and manage that and have a couple of days

315
00:18:25,610 --> 00:18:28,090
Speaker 1: where he did whatever it was that he wanted to do,

316
00:18:28,970 --> 00:18:30,650
Speaker 1: and he would come back to his normal life. He

317
00:18:30,690 --> 00:18:33,850
Speaker 1: would come home and he would things would go back

318
00:18:33,930 --> 00:18:34,450
Speaker 1: to normal.

319
00:18:36,330 --> 00:18:38,930
Speaker 2: Sky was sure there was nothing to worry about. Things

320
00:18:38,970 --> 00:18:40,890
Speaker 2: would look up for both of them, and after the

321
00:18:40,970 --> 00:18:44,210
Speaker 2: letdown of his competition. James had something new and much

322
00:18:44,250 --> 00:18:45,890
Speaker 2: bigger picture to look forward to.

323
00:18:46,490 --> 00:18:50,650
Speaker 1: We had gotten engaged in December, and we had an

324
00:18:50,650 --> 00:18:53,690
Speaker 1: engagement party in April and it was fun. Our friends

325
00:18:53,730 --> 00:18:57,330
Speaker 1: and family came together that didn't normally happen. James did

326
00:18:57,330 --> 00:19:01,690
Speaker 1: not like my family. My family weren't particularly fond of James.

327
00:19:01,770 --> 00:19:04,930
Speaker 1: So for me to have everyone together, knowing that I

328
00:19:04,970 --> 00:19:07,050
Speaker 1: was going to marry this man, it meant a lot

329
00:19:07,090 --> 00:19:09,210
Speaker 1: to me that people could start to get past their

330
00:19:09,210 --> 00:19:13,330
Speaker 1: differences and be together and celebrate what I thought was

331
00:19:13,370 --> 00:19:15,890
Speaker 1: this amazing love that I was going to have forever.

332
00:19:16,610 --> 00:19:20,930
Speaker 2: Then just two weeks later, something big happened, something unexpected

333
00:19:21,010 --> 00:19:24,050
Speaker 2: but that Sky hoped could give James something new and

334
00:19:24,090 --> 00:19:27,370
Speaker 2: exciting to focus on, as well as a responsibility and

335
00:19:27,490 --> 00:19:29,450
Speaker 2: reason to get his life back on track.

336
00:19:30,010 --> 00:19:35,370
Speaker 1: In May, I felt pregnant with our son Kate. I

337
00:19:35,450 --> 00:19:38,490
Speaker 1: was very scared. I didn't think that I wanted to

338
00:19:38,530 --> 00:19:41,370
Speaker 1: have another baby. I especially didn't think that I wanted

339
00:19:41,370 --> 00:19:44,170
Speaker 1: to have another baby with this person at this time.

340
00:19:45,490 --> 00:19:50,330
Speaker 1: Every weekend he would start going out. Every Saturday, his

341
00:19:50,410 --> 00:19:54,130
Speaker 1: friends would come over and they would smoke meth and

342
00:19:54,170 --> 00:19:58,890
Speaker 1: then they would go out. His eyes were just starting everywhere,

343
00:19:58,930 --> 00:20:04,690
Speaker 1: and he was talking crazy, wouldn't stop speaking, would walk

344
00:20:04,730 --> 00:20:08,370
Speaker 1: around the house, would scratch himself like his fingers a lot,

345
00:20:09,050 --> 00:20:12,970
Speaker 1: and that got progressively worse, and he was just very

346
00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:16,690
Speaker 1: unsettled and couldn't sit down, was moving around a lot,

347
00:20:16,770 --> 00:20:20,050
Speaker 1: decided he was going to clean out the garage, went

348
00:20:20,090 --> 00:20:22,690
Speaker 1: into the garage and started tinkering around with all of

349
00:20:22,690 --> 00:20:25,610
Speaker 1: these things and just sort of stayed in there. And

350
00:20:25,690 --> 00:20:28,570
Speaker 1: I had two kids to look after at this point.

351
00:20:28,970 --> 00:20:33,490
Speaker 1: I was not in a position to be following him

352
00:20:33,490 --> 00:20:36,810
Speaker 1: around and babying him and wondering what he was doing,

353
00:20:36,850 --> 00:20:39,730
Speaker 1: so I just I left him to it. I remember

354
00:20:40,050 --> 00:20:42,890
Speaker 1: bathing Lea, putting Lee into bed, and getting into bed

355
00:20:42,930 --> 00:20:45,970
Speaker 1: myself and just thinking he'll come in when he's ready,

356
00:20:46,010 --> 00:20:49,610
Speaker 1: and he did. He eventually went to sleep, and Monday

357
00:20:49,690 --> 00:20:54,890
Speaker 1: started as Monday does. But by Tuesday he was very down.

358
00:20:55,130 --> 00:20:59,570
Speaker 1: He was on this come down cycle, and he would

359
00:20:59,610 --> 00:21:02,090
Speaker 1: just take it out on me. It would be my

360
00:21:02,210 --> 00:21:06,050
Speaker 1: fault that anything bad had happened. And there's one incident

361
00:21:06,370 --> 00:21:12,650
Speaker 1: that my older daughter, Bonnie remembers explicitly, and he had

362
00:21:12,650 --> 00:21:16,130
Speaker 1: made rice and he had put this rice on the

363
00:21:16,170 --> 00:21:19,050
Speaker 1: bench in the rice cooker, and I had cooked and

364
00:21:19,090 --> 00:21:22,290
Speaker 1: put food away, and I hadn't put the rice that

365
00:21:22,370 --> 00:21:24,210
Speaker 1: was in the rice cooker on the bench away, and

366
00:21:24,250 --> 00:21:26,730
Speaker 1: he'd fallen asleep on the couch, woke up from sleeping

367
00:21:26,810 --> 00:21:29,890
Speaker 1: and came into my room and it must have been

368
00:21:29,890 --> 00:21:33,810
Speaker 1: in about three or four am, and just started screaming

369
00:21:33,850 --> 00:21:36,690
Speaker 1: at me that this rice hadn't been put in the fridge,

370
00:21:36,690 --> 00:21:40,210
Speaker 1: and he woke up the whole house and it was

371
00:21:40,330 --> 00:21:44,330
Speaker 1: just my fault. And I was so uncaring, and I

372
00:21:44,370 --> 00:21:46,690
Speaker 1: didn't love him, and he was going to leave me,

373
00:21:46,890 --> 00:21:50,330
Speaker 1: and he hated me, and I was a disgusting excuse

374
00:21:50,370 --> 00:21:53,730
Speaker 1: of a human and just all these really awful profanities

375
00:21:53,770 --> 00:21:57,570
Speaker 1: that you could anything that you could imagine, and he

376
00:21:57,770 --> 00:21:59,850
Speaker 1: was just yelling at me that I hadn't put this

377
00:22:00,010 --> 00:22:04,850
Speaker 1: rice away, and I just remember thinking, rice is about

378
00:22:04,850 --> 00:22:08,530
Speaker 1: ten dollars. Why don't we just cook some more rice.

379
00:22:08,570 --> 00:22:11,010
Speaker 1: It's not the end of the world. But this rice

380
00:22:11,090 --> 00:22:13,450
Speaker 1: was specific, and he needed to eat his meal at

381
00:22:13,490 --> 00:22:16,730
Speaker 1: five am because of his diet, because of his bodybuilding,

382
00:22:16,770 --> 00:22:21,490
Speaker 1: and I had compromised that, and that was very confronting.

383
00:22:22,330 --> 00:22:25,050
Speaker 1: There were lots of instances like that in the weeks

384
00:22:25,090 --> 00:22:27,970
Speaker 1: that followed. I didn't know what to do. I didn't

385
00:22:27,970 --> 00:22:30,730
Speaker 1: know how to confront him. He didn't listen to anything

386
00:22:30,770 --> 00:22:33,090
Speaker 1: that I would say. He didn't care about how it

387
00:22:33,170 --> 00:22:35,490
Speaker 1: made me feel. He really didn't care about my opinion

388
00:22:35,570 --> 00:22:38,970
Speaker 1: at all. He had just sort of started to spiral

389
00:22:39,090 --> 00:22:45,490
Speaker 1: into this place where he was the most righteous, important

390
00:22:45,530 --> 00:22:50,730
Speaker 1: person in the world and nobody else mattered. And every

391
00:22:50,730 --> 00:22:52,410
Speaker 1: time I would bring it up, I would be met

392
00:22:52,450 --> 00:22:57,930
Speaker 1: with this complete shock, as though what I was asking

393
00:22:58,170 --> 00:23:00,130
Speaker 1: was for him to chop his leg off rather than

394
00:23:00,290 --> 00:23:07,130
Speaker 1: for him to stop abusing methamphetamines. Kid was born very prematurely.

395
00:23:07,410 --> 00:23:12,090
Speaker 1: He was born at thirty four weeks in December twenty

396
00:23:12,130 --> 00:23:16,570
Speaker 1: twenty three, but he was a trooper. He was two

397
00:23:16,650 --> 00:23:20,730
Speaker 1: point four kilos. He came out screaming he was ready

398
00:23:21,530 --> 00:23:23,770
Speaker 1: to just be in the world. So by the time

399
00:23:23,810 --> 00:23:27,450
Speaker 1: we got to that point, James and I were in

400
00:23:27,490 --> 00:23:30,890
Speaker 1: a reasonable place. He was still doing a lot of drugs.

401
00:23:30,930 --> 00:23:34,170
Speaker 1: He was still going out every weekend, but I had

402
00:23:34,450 --> 00:23:39,650
Speaker 1: numbed myself to it. When Cad was born, he had

403
00:23:39,690 --> 00:23:43,250
Speaker 1: to stay nick you and I was able to stay

404
00:23:43,290 --> 00:23:45,370
Speaker 1: at the hospital for the first night, but because there

405
00:23:45,450 --> 00:23:47,890
Speaker 1: was nothing wrong with me, I then was discharged from

406
00:23:47,930 --> 00:23:50,290
Speaker 1: the hospital the next day, and I had to go

407
00:23:50,370 --> 00:23:54,130
Speaker 1: back and forth in the following days to be there

408
00:23:54,170 --> 00:23:56,090
Speaker 1: for him and be at home for the kids and

409
00:23:56,170 --> 00:23:58,970
Speaker 1: cook dinners and do shopping and do all of those things.

410
00:24:00,330 --> 00:24:03,450
Speaker 1: So I would be at the hospital for about eight hours,

411
00:24:03,450 --> 00:24:05,850
Speaker 1: which would enable me to do two feeds and the

412
00:24:05,930 --> 00:24:07,890
Speaker 1: nappy change in the bath, and then I would come

413
00:24:07,930 --> 00:24:09,370
Speaker 1: home for three and a half hours, and then I

414
00:24:09,370 --> 00:24:12,570
Speaker 1: would go back for eight hours. It was Christmas Eve

415
00:24:13,210 --> 00:24:16,890
Speaker 1: and James was at home with his friends, and I

416
00:24:17,170 --> 00:24:20,370
Speaker 1: had been to the hospital. I was there with cad.

417
00:24:20,530 --> 00:24:23,530
Speaker 1: I was waiting for an eleven PM feed so that

418
00:24:23,570 --> 00:24:25,970
Speaker 1: I could come home and finish off what I needed

419
00:24:25,970 --> 00:24:29,010
Speaker 1: to get ready for Christmas Day the next day, so

420
00:24:29,050 --> 00:24:31,810
Speaker 1: that I could go to the hospital, feed Caid, come

421
00:24:31,850 --> 00:24:33,530
Speaker 1: back and be there for the girls in the morning.

422
00:24:34,610 --> 00:24:38,770
Speaker 1: And I got this message from James telling me that

423
00:24:38,930 --> 00:24:42,890
Speaker 1: he thought that he was overdosing and he didn't know

424
00:24:42,930 --> 00:24:44,850
Speaker 1: what he was going to say to his mom, and

425
00:24:44,890 --> 00:24:47,250
Speaker 1: his mum was going to be so devastated on Christmas

426
00:24:47,330 --> 00:24:50,490
Speaker 1: Day because he was dying and he was outside on

427
00:24:50,530 --> 00:24:55,930
Speaker 1: the road, and I just remember thinking, oh, well, if

428
00:24:55,930 --> 00:24:57,730
Speaker 1: that's the end of the story, then that's the end

429
00:24:57,770 --> 00:25:00,290
Speaker 1: of the story. And his friends were at the house,

430
00:25:00,330 --> 00:25:02,170
Speaker 1: but he had said that he was out the front

431
00:25:02,210 --> 00:25:04,970
Speaker 1: and he was walking up and down the street. He'd

432
00:25:05,010 --> 00:25:08,530
Speaker 1: done too much drugs, he wasn't overdosing. And one of

433
00:25:08,530 --> 00:25:11,810
Speaker 1: his friends that happened to be there that day, he

434
00:25:12,170 --> 00:25:16,170
Speaker 1: is an AMT for work, so I had called him

435
00:25:16,770 --> 00:25:20,490
Speaker 1: despite James asking me not to, and I had asked

436
00:25:20,530 --> 00:25:22,290
Speaker 1: him to go and check on James and tell me

437
00:25:22,330 --> 00:25:25,970
Speaker 1: whether an ambulance needed to be called, tell me what

438
00:25:26,130 --> 00:25:29,130
Speaker 1: the situation was. And his heart rate was slightly elevated,

439
00:25:29,170 --> 00:25:32,250
Speaker 1: but he was fine. He just needed to calm down,

440
00:25:32,370 --> 00:25:36,490
Speaker 1: drink some water, and go back inside. So James's friend

441
00:25:36,530 --> 00:25:38,890
Speaker 1: took him back inside and kept me updated for the

442
00:25:38,930 --> 00:25:41,250
Speaker 1: next couple of hours, and I didn't go home. I

443
00:25:41,290 --> 00:25:43,130
Speaker 1: waited to do the feed at the hospital, and I

444
00:25:43,170 --> 00:25:47,770
Speaker 1: went home afterwards. And I remember sitting next to him

445
00:25:47,770 --> 00:25:50,890
Speaker 1: that night and saying, it's enough. You've had your fun.

446
00:25:51,690 --> 00:25:53,890
Speaker 1: We have a baby that's going to be coming back

447
00:25:53,930 --> 00:25:55,890
Speaker 1: to this house in the next few days who needs

448
00:25:55,890 --> 00:25:58,970
Speaker 1: my attention. I don't have time for you to be

449
00:25:58,970 --> 00:26:03,330
Speaker 1: behaving like you're an eighteen year old juvenile. It's ridiculous.

450
00:26:04,010 --> 00:26:06,650
Speaker 1: James was thirty two at this point, he had been

451
00:26:06,690 --> 00:26:09,010
Speaker 1: a dad for a few years. He had a new son.

452
00:26:09,610 --> 00:26:11,770
Speaker 1: He needed to let go of the drugs and take

453
00:26:11,770 --> 00:26:17,210
Speaker 1: our relationship in our family life more seriously. Boxing day came.

454
00:26:17,410 --> 00:26:20,610
Speaker 1: I went to the hospital, I picked Caate up, I

455
00:26:20,650 --> 00:26:22,770
Speaker 1: got the all good from the doctors, and then there's

456
00:26:22,890 --> 00:26:25,650
Speaker 1: me walking out of the hospital with this premature baby,

457
00:26:26,210 --> 00:26:28,770
Speaker 1: car set in one arm, three bags in the other hand,

458
00:26:28,850 --> 00:26:31,530
Speaker 1: this little baby, and about to drive him home all

459
00:26:31,570 --> 00:26:37,130
Speaker 1: by myself. I got home and Leah and Bonnie saw

460
00:26:37,250 --> 00:26:40,770
Speaker 1: him and they were besotted by him. But he missed

461
00:26:40,810 --> 00:26:42,730
Speaker 1: all of that because he was in bed for two

462
00:26:42,770 --> 00:26:47,850
Speaker 1: days on a come down, sleeping. He barely came out

463
00:26:47,890 --> 00:26:51,130
Speaker 1: of the bedroom. During that time. I was by myself

464
00:26:52,010 --> 00:26:54,810
Speaker 1: figuring out how to look after this baby that I

465
00:26:54,970 --> 00:26:57,890
Speaker 1: just brought home, who was sick. We were supposed to

466
00:26:57,890 --> 00:27:00,890
Speaker 1: have visiting midwife services when we were discharged, and no

467
00:27:00,890 --> 00:27:04,410
Speaker 1: one ever contacted us. So I really was alone in

468
00:27:04,450 --> 00:27:10,730
Speaker 1: this situation, looking after an older daughter, my younger daughter,

469
00:27:10,810 --> 00:27:14,530
Speaker 1: and then this little baby with no support. So I

470
00:27:14,570 --> 00:27:18,370
Speaker 1: took ten weeks off and that was it. Because I

471
00:27:18,370 --> 00:27:22,610
Speaker 1: got ten weeks off paid and during that time, I

472
00:27:22,810 --> 00:27:26,490
Speaker 1: was expected to care for him, fully look after the

473
00:27:26,530 --> 00:27:29,810
Speaker 1: other two children, fully run the house, do all of

474
00:27:29,850 --> 00:27:32,450
Speaker 1: the things that I was meant to do because I

475
00:27:32,530 --> 00:27:35,250
Speaker 1: was on maternity leave and that was my job. Despite

476
00:27:35,290 --> 00:27:37,530
Speaker 1: the fact that when James had previously been on prin

477
00:27:37,610 --> 00:27:40,890
Speaker 1: to leave, that was time for him. So that didn't

478
00:27:40,930 --> 00:27:43,050
Speaker 1: go down too well with me, and I think that

479
00:27:43,130 --> 00:27:46,810
Speaker 1: I probably became a little bit more distant at this time,

480
00:27:46,850 --> 00:27:50,050
Speaker 1: and I was deliberately distancing myself from what he was

481
00:27:50,130 --> 00:27:54,850
Speaker 1: doing because the drug use didn't stop, it just kept

482
00:27:54,850 --> 00:27:57,010
Speaker 1: getting worse. There would be people at my house on

483
00:27:57,170 --> 00:28:00,970
Speaker 1: Sunday nights, Monday nights when I'm trying to keep the

484
00:28:01,050 --> 00:28:04,170
Speaker 1: kids in a good routine. Sunday night, his friends are

485
00:28:04,170 --> 00:28:07,530
Speaker 1: coming over. They're doing god knows what. They would send

486
00:28:07,650 --> 00:28:11,490
Speaker 1: me the randomest emails at one and two am that

487
00:28:11,530 --> 00:28:14,290
Speaker 1: I would wake up to the next day about gym

488
00:28:14,370 --> 00:28:17,690
Speaker 1: programs they were writing, or business ventures that they're going

489
00:28:17,730 --> 00:28:20,970
Speaker 1: to go on. You get this sense of grandeur when

490
00:28:21,010 --> 00:28:24,530
Speaker 1: you take math and you think you're suddenly invincible, and

491
00:28:24,570 --> 00:28:28,410
Speaker 1: that is exactly what he felt. He was invincible and

492
00:28:28,490 --> 00:28:30,450
Speaker 1: no one was going to stop him, and he could

493
00:28:30,490 --> 00:28:33,450
Speaker 1: do whatever he wanted, and he was untouchable.

494
00:28:34,210 --> 00:28:37,010
Speaker 2: But soon James got a new job. Maybe this would

495
00:28:37,090 --> 00:28:39,850
Speaker 2: change things, make him happier and give him more purpose.

496
00:28:40,290 --> 00:28:47,050
Speaker 1: He started a new, very high profile role, and this

497
00:28:47,170 --> 00:28:50,730
Speaker 1: did not take away from his sense of grandeur and

498
00:28:50,930 --> 00:28:54,850
Speaker 1: this entitlement that he had developed through the drug use.

499
00:28:54,970 --> 00:28:59,770
Speaker 1: His new job title CEO made him feel as though

500
00:29:00,010 --> 00:29:03,730
Speaker 1: he was even more invincible than ever now. At the

501
00:29:03,770 --> 00:29:07,730
Speaker 1: same time, he had suggested, let's move back to your

502
00:29:07,850 --> 00:29:10,890
Speaker 1: investment property. Let's get the tenants out, let's move back.

503
00:29:11,770 --> 00:29:14,530
Speaker 1: Let's go there so that we can save to build

504
00:29:14,610 --> 00:29:17,090
Speaker 1: this other house that we want to build. So we

505
00:29:17,170 --> 00:29:20,370
Speaker 1: had started looking at replacing things like the carpets and

506
00:29:20,410 --> 00:29:22,450
Speaker 1: getting it painted just so it was a bit fresh

507
00:29:22,490 --> 00:29:25,650
Speaker 1: for when our family moved back in. And I was

508
00:29:25,730 --> 00:29:28,370
Speaker 1: calculating square meterage of the carpet to do with the

509
00:29:28,450 --> 00:29:32,010
Speaker 1: quotes and stuff that I had received, And I picked

510
00:29:32,090 --> 00:29:35,650
Speaker 1: up James's work phone and I went to calculate one

511
00:29:35,690 --> 00:29:38,650
Speaker 1: of the rooms and I remember seeing the Snapchat app.

512
00:29:39,650 --> 00:29:42,610
Speaker 1: Now our whole relationship of until this point, I was

513
00:29:42,730 --> 00:29:45,970
Speaker 1: under the impression that James did not use Snapchat. I

514
00:29:46,010 --> 00:29:48,770
Speaker 1: had been made to delete my Snapchat account quite early

515
00:29:48,850 --> 00:29:52,850
Speaker 1: on because he didn't trust Snapchat. He thought, you don't

516
00:29:52,890 --> 00:29:55,850
Speaker 1: have Snapchat unless you're doing things that you shouldn't do

517
00:29:56,010 --> 00:30:00,010
Speaker 1: on Snapchat because the messages disappear. And I thought it

518
00:30:00,010 --> 00:30:02,610
Speaker 1: was so strange that this app would even be on

519
00:30:02,730 --> 00:30:05,610
Speaker 1: his phone when he didn't have an account. So I

520
00:30:05,690 --> 00:30:08,330
Speaker 1: clicked on the app and his account was just logged in,

521
00:30:09,450 --> 00:30:13,850
Speaker 1: and I started going through it, and much to my dismay,

522
00:30:14,050 --> 00:30:19,610
Speaker 1: there were hundreds of messages to girls that went back

523
00:30:19,770 --> 00:30:25,010
Speaker 1: over one hundred weeks, so that nearly two years. There

524
00:30:25,010 --> 00:30:30,530
Speaker 1: were photos being exchanged. There were things like him saying, well,

525
00:30:30,610 --> 00:30:32,690
Speaker 1: I have a seven and a half inch cock and

526
00:30:32,730 --> 00:30:37,450
Speaker 1: I know how to use it to women wherever they were,

527
00:30:37,810 --> 00:30:44,010
Speaker 1: and I was really confronted. There were videos of people

528
00:30:44,130 --> 00:30:49,170
Speaker 1: having sex, him having sex with this other woman, and

529
00:30:49,210 --> 00:30:53,850
Speaker 1: I just remember looking at all of these and thinking, Wow,

530
00:30:55,130 --> 00:30:58,530
Speaker 1: I've really missed this. I've had the wool pulled over

531
00:30:58,570 --> 00:31:04,170
Speaker 1: my eyes. He would often be quite abrasive towards me

532
00:31:04,290 --> 00:31:07,370
Speaker 1: and accused me of cheating on him, despite the fact

533
00:31:07,370 --> 00:31:09,730
Speaker 1: that I was at home with all of these kids

534
00:31:09,770 --> 00:31:12,850
Speaker 1: and this baby, and I was always the one doing

535
00:31:12,890 --> 00:31:18,450
Speaker 1: the wrong thing, and I didn't confront James about these

536
00:31:19,010 --> 00:31:22,010
Speaker 1: images or what I had found straight away, because I

537
00:31:22,090 --> 00:31:24,290
Speaker 1: was too scared of his reaction. I was scared of

538
00:31:24,330 --> 00:31:26,130
Speaker 1: what he would do to me, how he would treat me,

539
00:31:26,570 --> 00:31:28,970
Speaker 1: What would happen if he found out that I had

540
00:31:29,050 --> 00:31:31,650
Speaker 1: seen this on his phone. I knew that he would

541
00:31:32,170 --> 00:31:35,210
Speaker 1: blame me and make it my fault that I had

542
00:31:35,250 --> 00:31:37,530
Speaker 1: found it, rather than his fault that he had done it.

543
00:31:38,490 --> 00:31:43,330
Speaker 1: I called my best friend and I said to her,

544
00:31:43,570 --> 00:31:45,730
Speaker 1: this has happened. This is what I found. I took

545
00:31:45,770 --> 00:31:49,570
Speaker 1: photos of it all on my phone from his phone,

546
00:31:49,730 --> 00:31:52,530
Speaker 1: and I sent it all to her and I just said,

547
00:31:52,730 --> 00:31:57,050
Speaker 1: what do I do? And her reaction was, well, you're right.

548
00:31:57,090 --> 00:32:00,650
Speaker 1: You're not safe if you tell him or you confront him,

549
00:32:00,650 --> 00:32:03,050
Speaker 1: and nobody else is there, so you need to make

550
00:32:03,090 --> 00:32:06,170
Speaker 1: sure that you're in a safe environment when he finds

551
00:32:06,210 --> 00:32:10,050
Speaker 1: out that you know. So, given this new job, he

552
00:32:10,170 --> 00:32:14,730
Speaker 1: used to go away for work quite often, so I

553
00:32:14,810 --> 00:32:16,890
Speaker 1: knew that he would be going down south sometime in

554
00:32:16,930 --> 00:32:19,690
Speaker 1: the next few weeks. Now it was my birthday during

555
00:32:19,730 --> 00:32:23,250
Speaker 1: this time, and he pretended like nothing was wrong, but

556
00:32:23,330 --> 00:32:25,370
Speaker 1: I knew the whole time what was going on, what

557
00:32:25,410 --> 00:32:28,370
Speaker 1: he was doing when he was on his phone, and

558
00:32:28,410 --> 00:32:34,250
Speaker 1: it was honestly grating. You just feel as though you

559
00:32:34,290 --> 00:32:37,850
Speaker 1: could explode at any second. So I just I waited.

560
00:32:38,650 --> 00:32:42,130
Speaker 1: I held it together. I remember sitting in my office

561
00:32:42,170 --> 00:32:46,770
Speaker 1: at work and I sent him this message, and the

562
00:32:46,850 --> 00:32:52,250
Speaker 1: message said, I know this is how I know, this

563
00:32:52,410 --> 00:32:55,330
Speaker 1: is what I saw. How could you do this to

564
00:32:55,370 --> 00:32:59,810
Speaker 1: me and our family? Those typical disappointing statements that you

565
00:32:59,890 --> 00:33:04,010
Speaker 1: throw out there as like I just can't possibly understand.

566
00:33:04,930 --> 00:33:10,010
Speaker 1: And his response to it was really quite vulgar. It

567
00:33:10,130 --> 00:33:13,210
Speaker 1: was almost, why are you doing this to me when

568
00:33:13,250 --> 00:33:16,370
Speaker 1: you know that I'm at work? And okay, well I'll

569
00:33:16,450 --> 00:33:19,050
Speaker 1: just stay down here until you figure your head out.

570
00:33:21,250 --> 00:33:25,690
Speaker 1: And no apology. There was no I'm so sorries, There

571
00:33:25,770 --> 00:33:28,690
Speaker 1: was no let me beg for your forgiveness, There was

572
00:33:28,730 --> 00:33:32,610
Speaker 1: no explanation. It was just, oh, well, you know now,

573
00:33:32,730 --> 00:33:34,370
Speaker 1: so you figure out what you want to do and

574
00:33:34,450 --> 00:33:38,210
Speaker 1: let me know. Then, over the course of that night,

575
00:33:38,370 --> 00:33:43,410
Speaker 1: he spent it trying to manipulate me into believing that

576
00:33:43,490 --> 00:33:46,770
Speaker 1: it was my fault. I was the reason why he

577
00:33:46,810 --> 00:33:49,770
Speaker 1: had done this. I wasn't giving him enough attention. I

578
00:33:49,970 --> 00:33:54,290
Speaker 1: wasn't enough, and therefore he was doing this with other women.

579
00:33:54,730 --> 00:33:57,450
Speaker 1: He convinced me that he'd never seen any of these

580
00:33:57,450 --> 00:34:01,090
Speaker 1: women in person, that it was just a few images

581
00:34:01,170 --> 00:34:07,450
Speaker 1: here and there. He had stated that he hadn't engaged

582
00:34:07,530 --> 00:34:10,410
Speaker 1: in any sort of intercourse with the one woman that

583
00:34:10,450 --> 00:34:13,650
Speaker 1: I found these videos off of, and that I could

584
00:34:13,650 --> 00:34:17,450
Speaker 1: contact her if I wanted to, And I really did

585
00:34:17,450 --> 00:34:20,490
Speaker 1: think about contacting her, but I didn't think that he

586
00:34:21,050 --> 00:34:25,810
Speaker 1: meant it, and I felt like if I did contact her,

587
00:34:26,650 --> 00:34:29,850
Speaker 1: he would leave me anyway, because that was what he said.

588
00:34:29,970 --> 00:34:31,690
Speaker 1: He said, you can contact her if you want to,

589
00:34:31,730 --> 00:34:34,290
Speaker 1: but if we do and you don't believe me, whereover.

590
00:34:35,610 --> 00:34:39,810
Speaker 1: And I remember being so terrified of this concept of

591
00:34:39,850 --> 00:34:42,730
Speaker 1: having to have these three children on my own, one

592
00:34:42,770 --> 00:34:47,090
Speaker 1: of which was super high needs. I just I couldn't

593
00:34:47,090 --> 00:34:50,810
Speaker 1: even fathom it. I loved him. I thought that he

594
00:34:51,530 --> 00:34:55,970
Speaker 1: was my home and my family, and we had been

595
00:34:56,010 --> 00:34:59,090
Speaker 1: together for so long that that comfort was a really

596
00:34:59,130 --> 00:35:04,090
Speaker 1: hard thing to just walk away from. I didn't feel

597
00:35:04,250 --> 00:35:08,250
Speaker 1: as though I could walk away and not impact my children,

598
00:35:09,130 --> 00:35:11,650
Speaker 1: and that was the one thing that I never wanted

599
00:35:11,690 --> 00:35:15,690
Speaker 1: wanted to happen. I never wanted to leave him and

600
00:35:15,770 --> 00:35:19,330
Speaker 1: my children be so heavily impacted by that decision, and

601
00:35:19,410 --> 00:35:23,170
Speaker 1: so I just ended up staying and we sat down

602
00:35:23,210 --> 00:35:25,810
Speaker 1: and we had this conversation. I had arranged for his

603
00:35:25,930 --> 00:35:29,530
Speaker 1: mom to look after Cade for a couple of hours,

604
00:35:30,610 --> 00:35:35,250
Speaker 1: and we had this conversation about our relationship and what

605
00:35:35,370 --> 00:35:39,810
Speaker 1: he wanted and what I wanted, and I suppose he

606
00:35:39,890 --> 00:35:43,370
Speaker 1: persuaded me in a way to thinking that it would

607
00:35:43,370 --> 00:35:46,090
Speaker 1: be okay if our relationship was more of an open

608
00:35:46,170 --> 00:35:49,690
Speaker 1: style relationship. And that was never something that I had

609
00:35:49,770 --> 00:35:54,730
Speaker 1: thought about. But he brought up these ideas of this ethical,

610
00:35:55,250 --> 00:36:01,330
Speaker 1: non monogamous style relationship and his views on things that

611
00:36:01,410 --> 00:36:04,610
Speaker 1: he would like to do in a sexual nature that

612
00:36:05,010 --> 00:36:09,090
Speaker 1: I hadn't previously been open to or he had never

613
00:36:09,130 --> 00:36:13,530
Speaker 1: discussed anything like this with me before. So this person

614
00:36:13,570 --> 00:36:16,210
Speaker 1: that was talking to me and saying I want to

615
00:36:16,210 --> 00:36:20,370
Speaker 1: do all of these things didn't really sound like him

616
00:36:20,490 --> 00:36:22,530
Speaker 1: or like the person that I'd fallen in love with.

617
00:36:22,610 --> 00:36:26,450
Speaker 1: But I didn't want to lose him, so reluctantly I

618
00:36:26,490 --> 00:36:31,210
Speaker 1: agreed to him having this site that he already had.

619
00:36:31,970 --> 00:36:34,970
Speaker 1: It's big in the swinging community, it's big amongst people

620
00:36:35,410 --> 00:36:40,530
Speaker 1: who do engage in these ethical, non monogamous situations. And

621
00:36:41,010 --> 00:36:44,250
Speaker 1: I consented to him using some photos of us on

622
00:36:44,450 --> 00:36:48,850
Speaker 1: there for a period. Now he gave me access to

623
00:36:48,890 --> 00:36:52,410
Speaker 1: this account and I was able to see what he

624
00:36:52,530 --> 00:36:56,290
Speaker 1: was saying, but I wouldn't participate. I wouldn't talk on there,

625
00:36:56,690 --> 00:36:59,850
Speaker 1: I wouldn't engage in looking through it. I was more

626
00:36:59,850 --> 00:37:03,850
Speaker 1: of a silent observer at times. But it consumed him.

627
00:37:04,290 --> 00:37:06,650
Speaker 1: All he wanted to do was be on this site

628
00:37:06,690 --> 00:37:09,810
Speaker 1: and talk to these people and find someone and have

629
00:37:09,930 --> 00:37:14,050
Speaker 1: a threesome or him to have sex with somebody else,

630
00:37:14,090 --> 00:37:16,130
Speaker 1: and I was open to that at the time. I

631
00:37:16,210 --> 00:37:18,250
Speaker 1: sort of thought, Oh, well, if that's what's going to

632
00:37:18,290 --> 00:37:20,730
Speaker 1: make you happy, and I'm not able to give you

633
00:37:20,770 --> 00:37:23,610
Speaker 1: that right now because of our son, maybe that will

634
00:37:23,610 --> 00:37:26,530
Speaker 1: fix our relationship. Maybe that will make things better, Maybe

635
00:37:26,570 --> 00:37:30,690
Speaker 1: that will recenter us. Or you might do that and

636
00:37:30,730 --> 00:37:32,930
Speaker 1: then realize that you have everything that you need here.

637
00:37:33,090 --> 00:37:34,770
Speaker 1: Really was what was going on in the back of

638
00:37:34,810 --> 00:37:38,050
Speaker 1: my head. And I had never really been big on

639
00:37:39,210 --> 00:37:43,890
Speaker 1: the whole sending photos or anything like that before this time.

640
00:37:44,570 --> 00:37:46,970
Speaker 1: I wasn't someone who would create a lot of intimate

641
00:37:47,010 --> 00:37:50,010
Speaker 1: content of myself. I didn't really have that level of

642
00:37:50,050 --> 00:37:54,210
Speaker 1: self confidence, and I suppose going through this he would

643
00:37:54,210 --> 00:37:57,250
Speaker 1: always pump me up and make me feel better about

644
00:37:57,290 --> 00:38:01,090
Speaker 1: myself so that I would get the confidence to create

645
00:38:01,130 --> 00:38:03,690
Speaker 1: this intimate content for him to be able to use

646
00:38:03,770 --> 00:38:07,490
Speaker 1: in whatever way he wanted to. I was just desperate

647
00:38:07,530 --> 00:38:09,810
Speaker 1: for him to be happy so that things would be better,

648
00:38:09,890 --> 00:38:11,410
Speaker 1: even if it was just for a little while.

649
00:38:13,610 --> 00:38:16,290
Speaker 2: But after a few months of this, James hadn't changed

650
00:38:16,290 --> 00:38:19,610
Speaker 2: his ways or realized that Sky was in fact enough,

651
00:38:20,170 --> 00:38:23,290
Speaker 2: and she became uncomfortable. She asked him to stop using

652
00:38:23,290 --> 00:38:25,370
Speaker 2: the site and remove any photos of her.

653
00:38:25,850 --> 00:38:30,650
Speaker 1: That caused a really big argument between us because he

654
00:38:30,690 --> 00:38:34,010
Speaker 1: felt like I didn't care about him, because I wasn't

655
00:38:34,050 --> 00:38:39,130
Speaker 1: comfortable with this account being online, and I was trying

656
00:38:39,130 --> 00:38:40,890
Speaker 1: to explain to him that it's not him that I

657
00:38:40,930 --> 00:38:43,690
Speaker 1: don't care about. It's these other people that have this

658
00:38:44,850 --> 00:38:46,810
Speaker 1: content of me and I don't know them, I don't

659
00:38:46,850 --> 00:38:49,010
Speaker 1: have any sort of engagement with them. I'm not speaking

660
00:38:49,010 --> 00:38:52,490
Speaker 1: to them. You are, but you're very liberal with just

661
00:38:52,610 --> 00:38:56,130
Speaker 1: giving this to people, and I'm I want a career,

662
00:38:56,250 --> 00:39:00,890
Speaker 1: I have aspirations outside of this, and it seems to

663
00:39:00,890 --> 00:39:03,650
Speaker 1: be all consuming few at the moment, and I just

664
00:39:04,170 --> 00:39:07,330
Speaker 1: I don't want to participate anymore. And I even said

665
00:39:07,330 --> 00:39:10,210
Speaker 1: to him at that point, look, I'm happy if you

666
00:39:10,450 --> 00:39:14,090
Speaker 1: want to send content of yourself, as long as you

667
00:39:14,170 --> 00:39:15,890
Speaker 1: leave me with the login so that I can see

668
00:39:15,890 --> 00:39:21,450
Speaker 1: what you're saying to these people, that's fine. He fought

669
00:39:21,450 --> 00:39:24,050
Speaker 1: me for a lot on this, and I ended up

670
00:39:24,130 --> 00:39:25,970
Speaker 1: just giving in and feeling like I didn't really have

671
00:39:26,010 --> 00:39:28,410
Speaker 1: a voice, and I just let him keep using it

672
00:39:28,490 --> 00:39:32,810
Speaker 1: and under the same username or whatever it was that

673
00:39:32,850 --> 00:39:35,170
Speaker 1: he was doing, and I just wouldn't talk on it.

674
00:39:35,170 --> 00:39:38,850
Speaker 1: I wouldn't talk about it, We wouldn't. It just became

675
00:39:38,930 --> 00:39:42,490
Speaker 1: an annoying thing that he was doing and I just

676
00:39:42,530 --> 00:39:44,370
Speaker 1: had to live with it, kind of like the drug use.

677
00:39:45,210 --> 00:39:47,170
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, that was still going on too.

678
00:39:47,690 --> 00:39:49,810
Speaker 1: For a long time. I didn't tell anyone how bad

679
00:39:49,850 --> 00:39:53,930
Speaker 1: the drug use had gotten. It's started us every Saturday,

680
00:39:54,290 --> 00:39:56,810
Speaker 1: then it would be every Friday Saturday, and then just

681
00:39:56,850 --> 00:39:59,490
Speaker 1: snowboard from there until he was doing it full time.

682
00:40:00,010 --> 00:40:02,810
Speaker 1: I was just accepting of it at this point because

683
00:40:03,370 --> 00:40:06,970
Speaker 1: when he would be high and he would be on drugs,

684
00:40:07,090 --> 00:40:08,770
Speaker 1: that was the only time he was nice to us.

685
00:40:08,770 --> 00:40:12,770
Speaker 1: By this point, it's sort of got on downhill to

686
00:40:12,850 --> 00:40:15,330
Speaker 1: the point where he was doing it four times a

687
00:40:15,370 --> 00:40:17,610
Speaker 1: week and not doing it three times, and those three

688
00:40:17,690 --> 00:40:20,170
Speaker 1: days would be hell. I would be anxious for the

689
00:40:20,170 --> 00:40:23,650
Speaker 1: three days where he wasn't doing drugs rather than looking

690
00:40:23,650 --> 00:40:27,370
Speaker 1: forward to them. And I remember one day being at

691
00:40:27,410 --> 00:40:31,210
Speaker 1: work and him calling me about my friend who had

692
00:40:31,410 --> 00:40:36,010
Speaker 1: sometimes helped with Kate on Tuesdays, and he had asked

693
00:40:36,050 --> 00:40:38,330
Speaker 1: me what her last name was, and I thought, Oh,

694
00:40:38,410 --> 00:40:41,410
Speaker 1: that's really weird. And he said, what's Sally's last name?

695
00:40:41,490 --> 00:40:43,730
Speaker 1: Tell me right now, and he's yelling at me down

696
00:40:43,810 --> 00:40:46,770
Speaker 1: the phone, and I could tell that he was really frustrated.

697
00:40:48,050 --> 00:40:50,370
Speaker 1: And I told him what her last name was, and

698
00:40:50,530 --> 00:40:54,010
Speaker 1: he said, that's it. We've got a problem. He had said,

699
00:40:54,890 --> 00:40:58,890
Speaker 1: she's posted this on a Facebook page that is associated

700
00:40:58,930 --> 00:41:02,730
Speaker 1: to my work and said that she knows me and

701
00:41:02,770 --> 00:41:06,930
Speaker 1: that I'm no better than the previous CEO. It really

702
00:41:07,010 --> 00:41:12,290
Speaker 1: wasn't career ending, but because of the psychosis that comes

703
00:41:12,330 --> 00:41:16,290
Speaker 1: with drug addiction, he had taken it upon that I

704
00:41:16,490 --> 00:41:20,570
Speaker 1: had coerced her into doing it, or I had been

705
00:41:21,730 --> 00:41:24,090
Speaker 1: complicit in what had happened, and I knew it was

706
00:41:24,130 --> 00:41:25,730
Speaker 1: going to happen, and I was trying to take his

707
00:41:25,850 --> 00:41:29,450
Speaker 1: career down by having her post these things that really

708
00:41:29,490 --> 00:41:35,170
Speaker 1: seemed insignificant at the time, but the phone calls that

709
00:41:35,410 --> 00:41:39,730
Speaker 1: ensued and the abuse. He told me he was going

710
00:41:39,770 --> 00:41:42,490
Speaker 1: to drive to my mother's house and cut her tongue

711
00:41:42,490 --> 00:41:46,850
Speaker 1: out and that would be his revenge. He was adamant

712
00:41:46,850 --> 00:41:49,690
Speaker 1: that he would need to ruin my career in return

713
00:41:50,850 --> 00:41:55,050
Speaker 1: by sending intimate images that he had gained through this

714
00:41:55,410 --> 00:41:59,570
Speaker 1: process that he had requested to explore to my CEO

715
00:41:59,650 --> 00:42:04,650
Speaker 1: or my boss. And he sent me an image followed

716
00:42:04,650 --> 00:42:07,730
Speaker 1: by their email addresses, which were the correct emails. They're

717
00:42:07,770 --> 00:42:12,050
Speaker 1: not difficult to find, and said, I will ruin you.

718
00:42:12,130 --> 00:42:15,330
Speaker 1: I'll end your career, bitch. Maybe you'll have some empathy

719
00:42:15,490 --> 00:42:19,090
Speaker 1: when your career is on the line. And I was terrified.

720
00:42:19,650 --> 00:42:23,450
Speaker 1: I thought, well, I'm the only one supporting these children

721
00:42:23,530 --> 00:42:26,370
Speaker 1: right now. All of your money is going to just

722
00:42:26,530 --> 00:42:29,170
Speaker 1: like a little bit of rent and whatever you want

723
00:42:29,210 --> 00:42:33,410
Speaker 1: it to for drugs and computers and clothes for work,

724
00:42:33,450 --> 00:42:36,930
Speaker 1: and I'm paying for basically everything else. And now you're

725
00:42:36,930 --> 00:42:38,650
Speaker 1: going to put my career at risk. How am I

726
00:42:38,690 --> 00:42:40,410
Speaker 1: going to pay for these kids? How am I ever

727
00:42:40,450 --> 00:42:42,930
Speaker 1: going to get away from you when I have no money?

728
00:42:43,690 --> 00:42:47,770
Speaker 1: And James is a really smart person, So the way

729
00:42:47,810 --> 00:42:50,090
Speaker 1: that he can manipulate things and the way that he

730
00:42:50,210 --> 00:42:52,610
Speaker 1: understands the system and how to get what he wants

731
00:42:52,650 --> 00:42:58,410
Speaker 1: out of things is quite confronting, and when that is

732
00:42:58,450 --> 00:43:00,850
Speaker 1: put on you in a positive way, it makes you

733
00:43:00,890 --> 00:43:02,850
Speaker 1: feel on top of the world and you get that

734
00:43:03,770 --> 00:43:06,690
Speaker 1: joint sense of security when you're with him and he

735
00:43:06,930 --> 00:43:11,210
Speaker 1: wants the best for you. But similarly, when he wants

736
00:43:11,210 --> 00:43:13,250
Speaker 1: the opposite and you go against him, and you go

737
00:43:13,330 --> 00:43:17,450
Speaker 1: against what he wants, it makes you feel terrified and

738
00:43:17,690 --> 00:43:20,770
Speaker 1: like you have no control and whatever will happen to

739
00:43:20,770 --> 00:43:23,090
Speaker 1: you will happen to you, and you have no choice.

740
00:43:23,130 --> 00:43:28,290
Speaker 1: It's just it's what he wants. And so I went home,

741
00:43:28,450 --> 00:43:32,690
Speaker 1: I got my kids all into bed, and then I

742
00:43:32,930 --> 00:43:37,570
Speaker 1: remember he just wanted to have sex with me after

743
00:43:37,650 --> 00:43:40,370
Speaker 1: all of this that he had just been doing and

744
00:43:40,410 --> 00:43:42,810
Speaker 1: the way he had been treating me, and just to

745
00:43:42,810 --> 00:43:47,490
Speaker 1: stop him from yelling, I did it. And I don't

746
00:43:47,530 --> 00:43:51,970
Speaker 1: know if you can call that non consenting, but I

747
00:43:52,010 --> 00:43:56,570
Speaker 1: would definitely say that from then on, there were a

748
00:43:56,570 --> 00:43:59,250
Speaker 1: lot of times where that would just happen to shut

749
00:43:59,290 --> 00:44:03,090
Speaker 1: him up, just to stop him from escalating, to stop

750
00:44:03,130 --> 00:44:05,450
Speaker 1: him from waking the kids up, to stop him from yelling.

751
00:44:06,930 --> 00:44:08,290
Speaker 1: There was no way around it.

752
00:44:09,050 --> 00:44:12,930
Speaker 2: This abuse continued in its many forms sky was isolated

753
00:44:12,970 --> 00:44:15,490
Speaker 2: and scared and felt completely trapped.

754
00:44:17,690 --> 00:44:20,690
Speaker 1: I didn't recognize myself with him, but I also didn't

755
00:44:20,690 --> 00:44:23,290
Speaker 1: know how to be without him or how to let go.

756
00:44:24,250 --> 00:44:27,130
Speaker 1: I didn't really go anywhere. I didn't see my friends

757
00:44:27,250 --> 00:44:30,930
Speaker 1: very much. I just went to work and came home

758
00:44:30,970 --> 00:44:33,210
Speaker 1: and did what I needed to do because there was

759
00:44:33,330 --> 00:44:36,970
Speaker 1: no reprieve from him, and he was just starting to

760
00:44:37,010 --> 00:44:40,730
Speaker 1: make me feel like the world was five thousand kilos

761
00:44:40,730 --> 00:44:45,730
Speaker 1: on my shoulders and we were moving. So I had

762
00:44:45,770 --> 00:44:49,850
Speaker 1: packed everything up. We were moving to my house. It

763
00:44:50,010 --> 00:44:53,290
Speaker 1: was maybe a couple of weeks after this that he

764
00:44:53,370 --> 00:44:56,250
Speaker 1: had decided that he was keeping the rental property that

765
00:44:56,290 --> 00:44:59,370
Speaker 1: we had together, but he was keeping as an office,

766
00:44:59,690 --> 00:45:01,530
Speaker 1: so some of our furniture would stay there and that

767
00:45:01,570 --> 00:45:04,330
Speaker 1: would be his office where he would work from because

768
00:45:04,770 --> 00:45:07,090
Speaker 1: he couldn't be around the kids without crying all the time,

769
00:45:07,130 --> 00:45:10,610
Speaker 1: but he could work from home without crying. And I

770
00:45:10,690 --> 00:45:12,810
Speaker 1: knew he also couldn't go into the office because he

771
00:45:12,890 --> 00:45:15,770
Speaker 1: was always high, so when he would go into the office,

772
00:45:15,810 --> 00:45:18,010
Speaker 1: they would start to notice these things, and he obviously

773
00:45:18,090 --> 00:45:20,370
Speaker 1: knew that as well. So he needed somewhere else to work,

774
00:45:21,490 --> 00:45:26,490
Speaker 1: so he had decided to keep our rental property, and I,

775
00:45:26,570 --> 00:45:29,850
Speaker 1: despite saying that's a very terrible financial decision, given we

776
00:45:29,970 --> 00:45:35,170
Speaker 1: decided to move to save money, I was met with, well,

777
00:45:35,250 --> 00:45:37,770
Speaker 1: I am a CEO, and I can afford it because

778
00:45:37,850 --> 00:45:39,730
Speaker 1: I earned this amount of money, and don't tell me

779
00:45:39,770 --> 00:45:42,490
Speaker 1: what to spend my money on. So I lost that

780
00:45:42,610 --> 00:45:46,850
Speaker 1: argument as well. And the hot water unit went out

781
00:45:46,890 --> 00:45:50,610
Speaker 1: at the rental property, which was of course my responsibility

782
00:45:50,650 --> 00:45:53,090
Speaker 1: to resolve, and I wasn't able to get in one

783
00:45:53,210 --> 00:45:56,410
Speaker 1: day and I couldn't get in contact with him, and

784
00:45:56,450 --> 00:45:58,970
Speaker 1: he kept saying, I'm at work, I'm at work, stop

785
00:45:59,050 --> 00:46:02,250
Speaker 1: calling me, and then sending me these really abusive emails

786
00:46:02,290 --> 00:46:04,370
Speaker 1: saying that I'm the reason why the real estate's so

787
00:46:04,410 --> 00:46:06,730
Speaker 1: difficult to deal with, and it's because I'm a bitch,

788
00:46:06,770 --> 00:46:10,690
Speaker 1: and I don't respond to them. Eventually, I just went

789
00:46:10,730 --> 00:46:14,250
Speaker 1: there and when I went inside, his work laptop was there,

790
00:46:14,970 --> 00:46:19,010
Speaker 1: so I thought, I'm going to look at it. I

791
00:46:19,090 --> 00:46:20,970
Speaker 1: know you shouldn't do that. I know you should trust

792
00:46:21,010 --> 00:46:25,290
Speaker 1: your partner, but by this point it was gone. I

793
00:46:25,330 --> 00:46:27,370
Speaker 1: wanted to look and I was going to, so I did.

794
00:46:27,610 --> 00:46:31,290
Speaker 1: I opened the computer and it was a Mac and

795
00:46:31,330 --> 00:46:33,890
Speaker 1: therefore all of his text messages were on this computer

796
00:46:34,570 --> 00:46:43,450
Speaker 1: and there was another woman. I went through reams and

797
00:46:43,570 --> 00:46:48,330
Speaker 1: reams of text messages between him and another woman who

798
00:46:48,410 --> 00:46:53,210
Speaker 1: I later found to be Amanda. Amanda had a daughter

799
00:46:53,650 --> 00:46:59,050
Speaker 1: very similar age to Bonnie, and they had been away together.

800
00:46:59,850 --> 00:47:03,770
Speaker 1: They were both bodybuilders, so they shared this common interest,

801
00:47:04,010 --> 00:47:08,090
Speaker 1: and he would say things to her along the lines

802
00:47:08,130 --> 00:47:11,370
Speaker 1: of I can't wait for you to meet Leah. She's

803
00:47:11,410 --> 00:47:14,930
Speaker 1: gone to love you. She's going to adore you because

804
00:47:15,010 --> 00:47:17,570
Speaker 1: I adore you, and she's a mini me. And these

805
00:47:17,610 --> 00:47:21,330
Speaker 1: messages were heartbreaking to me. James is talking to this

806
00:47:21,490 --> 00:47:24,690
Speaker 1: other woman about my children and how much my children

807
00:47:24,730 --> 00:47:27,610
Speaker 1: are going to love her, and she meets them as

808
00:47:27,650 --> 00:47:29,810
Speaker 1: though they're going to be this happy family and I'm

809
00:47:29,850 --> 00:47:32,370
Speaker 1: just going to walk away and out of the picture,

810
00:47:34,210 --> 00:47:36,490
Speaker 1: and I didn't know what to do. I called his mom,

811
00:47:37,050 --> 00:47:40,170
Speaker 1: and I was beside myself by this point. I don't

812
00:47:40,210 --> 00:47:42,530
Speaker 1: even know if she could understand what I was saying.

813
00:47:42,730 --> 00:47:48,330
Speaker 1: It was through tears. I felt like I was suffocating

814
00:47:48,410 --> 00:47:52,690
Speaker 1: because I couldn't get breath in between the crying. It

815
00:47:52,810 --> 00:47:58,170
Speaker 1: was real devastation that this had happened. So his mom

816
00:47:58,210 --> 00:48:01,690
Speaker 1: got there and she said, what do you mean, what

817
00:48:01,850 --> 00:48:04,650
Speaker 1: is going on? I don't think he would do that

818
00:48:04,770 --> 00:48:07,530
Speaker 1: to you. He loves you off the bat. It was

819
00:48:07,570 --> 00:48:11,530
Speaker 1: already defending him before she'd even heard or scene or

820
00:48:11,970 --> 00:48:14,890
Speaker 1: come to terms with what had happened. So I just

821
00:48:14,930 --> 00:48:17,210
Speaker 1: sat her down with the screenshots and said, you go

822
00:48:17,290 --> 00:48:19,690
Speaker 1: through them and tell me if you think that they're

823
00:48:19,730 --> 00:48:23,890
Speaker 1: just friends. And then my friend had arrived and she

824
00:48:24,530 --> 00:48:27,130
Speaker 1: has a daughter the same age as Leah, so that

825
00:48:27,250 --> 00:48:29,050
Speaker 1: was good because they could go off and play and

826
00:48:29,130 --> 00:48:32,050
Speaker 1: it gave me a little bit of time while she

827
00:48:32,130 --> 00:48:34,650
Speaker 1: looked after Kate and I was talking to his mum.

828
00:48:36,050 --> 00:48:39,770
Speaker 1: But even so, his mum would just say things like, well,

829
00:48:40,450 --> 00:48:41,970
Speaker 1: I need to know how this is going to affect

830
00:48:41,970 --> 00:48:45,410
Speaker 1: my relationship with my grandchildren, and I need to know

831
00:48:45,490 --> 00:48:48,450
Speaker 1: what you're planning on doing. I don't think he would

832
00:48:48,490 --> 00:48:51,410
Speaker 1: have meant it, and you can figure it out. That

833
00:48:51,530 --> 00:48:55,010
Speaker 1: just isn't what you need to hear when you've just

834
00:48:55,090 --> 00:48:59,370
Speaker 1: found out that this person who you've been so flexible with,

835
00:48:59,890 --> 00:49:03,090
Speaker 1: who you've allowed to do things that stray so far

836
00:49:03,130 --> 00:49:08,650
Speaker 1: from your natural moral compass, has then gone further outside

837
00:49:08,730 --> 00:49:11,090
Speaker 1: that and tested the boundaries and to the point where

838
00:49:11,090 --> 00:49:15,730
Speaker 1: he's gotten in to this other relationship and you just think,

839
00:49:16,050 --> 00:49:18,170
Speaker 1: and you're telling me that all I should be worried

840
00:49:18,210 --> 00:49:20,610
Speaker 1: about is your relationship with my children. How am I

841
00:49:20,650 --> 00:49:23,370
Speaker 1: going to support these children? How am I going to

842
00:49:23,450 --> 00:49:26,090
Speaker 1: look after these kids by myself? And what are you

843
00:49:26,130 --> 00:49:29,530
Speaker 1: going to do to support me through that? I couldn't

844
00:49:29,530 --> 00:49:33,250
Speaker 1: say any of that at the time. And I then

845
00:49:33,570 --> 00:49:39,810
Speaker 1: called him and I said I know about Amanda, and

846
00:49:40,130 --> 00:49:42,250
Speaker 1: he lost it. He snapped. He said he was going

847
00:49:42,330 --> 00:49:44,650
Speaker 1: to beat me to my house and run through it,

848
00:49:44,690 --> 00:49:47,610
Speaker 1: and I wouldn't own anything that wasn't broken, and how

849
00:49:47,730 --> 00:49:52,050
Speaker 1: dare I go through his computer anyway. The days after this,

850
00:49:52,290 --> 00:49:55,530
Speaker 1: it turned into me begging for him back, as you

851
00:49:55,570 --> 00:49:58,090
Speaker 1: do when you're the ex that's been cheated on. You

852
00:49:58,130 --> 00:50:01,730
Speaker 1: feel so disheartened, you feel like nothing, your self confidence

853
00:50:01,770 --> 00:50:05,010
Speaker 1: is an all time low, and you just you get fomo,

854
00:50:05,170 --> 00:50:07,370
Speaker 1: for want of a better word, you feel like you're

855
00:50:07,410 --> 00:50:12,570
Speaker 1: missing out on this really amazing person. And I'd forgotten

856
00:50:12,610 --> 00:50:16,810
Speaker 1: all of the bad things. I wanted him to come

857
00:50:16,850 --> 00:50:19,250
Speaker 1: back and be part of our lives and have that

858
00:50:19,330 --> 00:50:21,970
Speaker 1: life and our kids. And I come from a broken

859
00:50:22,050 --> 00:50:25,890
Speaker 1: family and I didn't want that. I just wanted him

860
00:50:25,930 --> 00:50:28,690
Speaker 1: to be there and for us to repair what we had.

861
00:50:28,810 --> 00:50:32,330
Speaker 1: So it was weeks and weeks of me begging for

862
00:50:32,410 --> 00:50:35,330
Speaker 1: him back, doing whatever he wanted to try and make

863
00:50:35,410 --> 00:50:37,410
Speaker 1: him believe that I was better than her, and I

864
00:50:37,450 --> 00:50:40,170
Speaker 1: would constantly compare myself to her. And I was in

865
00:50:40,610 --> 00:50:48,450
Speaker 1: a real downward spiral depression. Wasn't eating anything, I was

866
00:50:48,490 --> 00:50:53,490
Speaker 1: not performing at work. I was very short tempered all

867
00:50:53,530 --> 00:50:56,010
Speaker 1: the time. The only thing I would do is really

868
00:50:56,090 --> 00:51:00,130
Speaker 1: look after my kids and then go home. I didn't

869
00:51:00,210 --> 00:51:03,970
Speaker 1: have anything else to cling onto, and all I would

870
00:51:03,970 --> 00:51:06,650
Speaker 1: think about was him and her and what they were

871
00:51:06,690 --> 00:51:11,810
Speaker 1: doing while I was just sat there with these kids.

872
00:51:11,930 --> 00:51:15,450
Speaker 1: And his birthday wasn't long after I discovered all of this,

873
00:51:15,610 --> 00:51:18,930
Speaker 1: It was a matter of days, and on his birthday

874
00:51:19,050 --> 00:51:21,170
Speaker 1: I still went there. I took the kids there. We

875
00:51:21,210 --> 00:51:24,810
Speaker 1: had a really beautiful day, and I thought maybe this

876
00:51:24,850 --> 00:51:27,690
Speaker 1: would be a turning point. That afternoon, he came to

877
00:51:27,730 --> 00:51:30,130
Speaker 1: my house and we had talked and he had sort

878
00:51:30,170 --> 00:51:33,570
Speaker 1: of said, I'm really sorry, I'll end it with her

879
00:51:33,850 --> 00:51:38,130
Speaker 1: and we can try. We'll see what happens. I barely

880
00:51:38,170 --> 00:51:40,450
Speaker 1: heard from James all weekend, and that to me was

881
00:51:40,490 --> 00:51:43,450
Speaker 1: normally an indicator that he was with a Manda or

882
00:51:43,570 --> 00:51:46,690
Speaker 1: somebody else. He was preoccupied, distracted, he didn't need to

883
00:51:46,730 --> 00:51:50,730
Speaker 1: talk to me, and I barely spoke to him. And

884
00:51:50,810 --> 00:51:54,010
Speaker 1: then Monday came around and it was like nothing had happened,

885
00:51:54,690 --> 00:51:57,530
Speaker 1: and he wanted to talk again. Because he was away.

886
00:51:57,730 --> 00:52:00,570
Speaker 1: I would speak to him, but I put a lot

887
00:52:00,570 --> 00:52:03,770
Speaker 1: of distance between us, and I would say that I

888
00:52:03,810 --> 00:52:07,010
Speaker 1: was working, and I was working, but normally I would

889
00:52:07,050 --> 00:52:10,090
Speaker 1: just sit there and text him all day, ferociously responding

890
00:52:10,130 --> 00:52:13,210
Speaker 1: to his copious amount of text message. His abused his

891
00:52:13,290 --> 00:52:16,450
Speaker 1: accusations that I was sleeping with people at work. It

892
00:52:16,570 --> 00:52:19,170
Speaker 1: was just out of control. But at this point I

893
00:52:19,250 --> 00:52:23,650
Speaker 1: started to stop responding to that, and when he came back,

894
00:52:24,730 --> 00:52:28,530
Speaker 1: he knew straightaway that something had changed in me. He said,

895
00:52:28,890 --> 00:52:30,930
Speaker 1: you're distant, you don't want anything to do with me,

896
00:52:31,930 --> 00:52:35,170
Speaker 1: and he even said, I can tell that you're getting better,

897
00:52:36,530 --> 00:52:38,930
Speaker 1: and I said, yeah, I am getting better. I'm starting

898
00:52:38,970 --> 00:52:42,770
Speaker 1: to accept who you are and that I can't change you.

899
00:52:42,850 --> 00:52:45,330
Speaker 1: But that means that I need to make decisions about

900
00:52:45,330 --> 00:52:48,730
Speaker 1: what I want. And I think that really hit home

901
00:52:48,770 --> 00:52:53,570
Speaker 1: for him, that he couldn't just control me anymore.

902
00:52:55,570 --> 00:52:59,210
Speaker 2: What Sky had always feared came true. This perceived loss

903
00:52:59,210 --> 00:53:01,410
Speaker 2: of control made things even worse.

904
00:53:01,970 --> 00:53:06,210
Speaker 1: Started threatening my house and my kids. He knew that

905
00:53:06,570 --> 00:53:09,810
Speaker 1: my kids were at my mum's house, and once again

906
00:53:10,050 --> 00:53:13,490
Speaker 1: he threatened to drive there and cut her tongue out

907
00:53:13,530 --> 00:53:16,930
Speaker 1: and then feed it to my stepdad, and my kids

908
00:53:16,970 --> 00:53:20,130
Speaker 1: would watch this process, but that would be okay because

909
00:53:20,170 --> 00:53:23,690
Speaker 1: it would be character building. Or he would drive to

910
00:53:23,770 --> 00:53:25,930
Speaker 1: my friend's house where I was and do the same

911
00:53:26,050 --> 00:53:28,570
Speaker 1: to her and I could watch, and that would be

912
00:53:28,650 --> 00:53:30,610
Speaker 1: okay because it was character building. And he wanted me

913
00:53:30,650 --> 00:53:33,130
Speaker 1: to choose which of these scenarios was going to go ahead.

914
00:53:34,170 --> 00:53:36,810
Speaker 1: He then started saying, well, I'm going to smash your house.

915
00:53:37,010 --> 00:53:39,770
Speaker 1: I'm going to ruin everything you own. And I remember

916
00:53:39,850 --> 00:53:42,850
Speaker 1: thinking he sounds quite serious this time, and he'd always

917
00:53:42,890 --> 00:53:44,850
Speaker 1: threatened suicide, and I'm going to hurt you, and I'm

918
00:53:44,850 --> 00:53:46,570
Speaker 1: going to hurt the people that you love. He never

919
00:53:46,650 --> 00:53:51,290
Speaker 1: sounded this serious. I got home, my garage door was open.

920
00:53:52,250 --> 00:53:55,530
Speaker 1: I went into my house and sure enough, he had

921
00:53:55,530 --> 00:53:59,410
Speaker 1: broken in. He had broken all of my sliding doors

922
00:53:59,450 --> 00:54:01,570
Speaker 1: to the point where the glass was out of the

923
00:54:01,610 --> 00:54:04,450
Speaker 1: frame and there were gaps between the frame and the door,

924
00:54:04,490 --> 00:54:07,290
Speaker 1: but he couldn't get the locks undone, so he then

925
00:54:07,450 --> 00:54:11,210
Speaker 1: proceeded to smash my side window of my house to

926
00:54:11,250 --> 00:54:14,330
Speaker 1: get you to the house. Now, he had taken our dog,

927
00:54:15,090 --> 00:54:17,530
Speaker 1: and he had taken his meth pipe, and he had

928
00:54:17,570 --> 00:54:20,010
Speaker 1: taken my wedding ring. I didn't speak to him. I

929
00:54:20,050 --> 00:54:22,850
Speaker 1: called my friend. She drove straight to my house. She

930
00:54:22,930 --> 00:54:25,570
Speaker 1: stayed there with me that night. And the next day

931
00:54:26,250 --> 00:54:29,690
Speaker 1: James's dad came over and he cleaned up all the window.

932
00:54:29,970 --> 00:54:32,610
Speaker 1: He tried to help put the doors back in, and

933
00:54:32,650 --> 00:54:35,650
Speaker 1: I just wouldn't respond to him. And we're talking hundreds

934
00:54:35,650 --> 00:54:39,690
Speaker 1: of text messages, thirty something miss phone calls, and he

935
00:54:39,770 --> 00:54:43,970
Speaker 1: just wouldn't stop. He was irate his dad had gone

936
00:54:43,970 --> 00:54:47,530
Speaker 1: there and gotten the dog back. He wouldn't stop messaging me.

937
00:54:47,690 --> 00:54:51,530
Speaker 1: He kept threatening suicide. He kept saying that, well, if

938
00:54:51,570 --> 00:54:53,770
Speaker 1: I didn't care anymore, there was no point in living,

939
00:54:53,890 --> 00:54:57,610
Speaker 1: and this is what he was going to do. And eventually,

940
00:54:58,290 --> 00:55:00,890
Speaker 1: as I always did, I started to feel guilty and

941
00:55:01,090 --> 00:55:04,690
Speaker 1: I responded to him and I talked him off the ledge.

942
00:55:04,850 --> 00:55:09,370
Speaker 1: He agreed to change, and we just had less and

943
00:55:09,490 --> 00:55:13,570
Speaker 1: less contact. It was just a weaning process for me

944
00:55:13,730 --> 00:55:17,090
Speaker 1: to try and get him away from me. It was

945
00:55:18,010 --> 00:55:20,450
Speaker 1: Monday evening that I had come home from work and

946
00:55:20,530 --> 00:55:23,130
Speaker 1: he was really angry at me because I had asked

947
00:55:23,170 --> 00:55:25,090
Speaker 1: him where he was that day, and he said that

948
00:55:25,130 --> 00:55:28,930
Speaker 1: he had to go to the doctors, and that Amanda

949
00:55:29,010 --> 00:55:31,610
Speaker 1: had gone to the doctors with him because he needed

950
00:55:31,650 --> 00:55:33,850
Speaker 1: somebody to go. He couldn't go by himself, and I

951
00:55:33,930 --> 00:55:36,290
Speaker 1: wasn't there because I was at work, and we got

952
00:55:36,290 --> 00:55:39,850
Speaker 1: into this really heated argument and he just started throwing things.

953
00:55:40,370 --> 00:55:42,730
Speaker 1: He picked up my coffee table, he threw it out

954
00:55:42,770 --> 00:55:45,530
Speaker 1: the window. He threw a bottle of coke in the house.

955
00:55:45,650 --> 00:55:48,610
Speaker 1: He picked up a computer stand, he threw it and

956
00:55:48,610 --> 00:55:50,730
Speaker 1: it ricocheted off the wall and I was holding our

957
00:55:50,810 --> 00:55:52,610
Speaker 1: son and I had to move and it hit me

958
00:55:52,650 --> 00:55:55,450
Speaker 1: in the head so that it didn't hit him. And

959
00:55:55,490 --> 00:55:59,490
Speaker 1: he just kept yelling and screaming, and I had put

960
00:55:59,570 --> 00:56:01,850
Speaker 1: Lee in to bed and was just hoping that he

961
00:56:01,890 --> 00:56:06,090
Speaker 1: wouldn't wake her up. And I eventually told him just stop,

962
00:56:06,570 --> 00:56:08,730
Speaker 1: and he didn't like that, and he was standing in

963
00:56:08,730 --> 00:56:11,050
Speaker 1: my kitchen at the time, and he just lunched at

964
00:56:11,130 --> 00:56:13,490
Speaker 1: me and he grabbed me by the throat and he

965
00:56:13,530 --> 00:56:15,930
Speaker 1: slammed me against the wall while I was holding on

966
00:56:16,050 --> 00:56:18,850
Speaker 1: to kid, and he just held me there and I

967
00:56:18,930 --> 00:56:22,330
Speaker 1: was just I was motionless. I couldn't do anything. I

968
00:56:22,490 --> 00:56:26,170
Speaker 1: just was so focused on not dropping my son and

969
00:56:26,250 --> 00:56:29,090
Speaker 1: hurting him. He was just a wee little baby. What

970
00:56:29,170 --> 00:56:30,690
Speaker 1: am I going to do if I drop him and

971
00:56:30,730 --> 00:56:35,130
Speaker 1: something happens? And I just I was silent. I couldn't breathe.

972
00:56:35,250 --> 00:56:39,370
Speaker 1: I remember feeling dizziness, and eventually he let go and

973
00:56:39,410 --> 00:56:42,010
Speaker 1: I just fell on the ground, still holding onto kid,

974
00:56:42,970 --> 00:56:45,170
Speaker 1: and he left. He got up and he walked out.

975
00:56:45,570 --> 00:56:48,610
Speaker 1: I sat on my shower floor crying for hours and hours,

976
00:56:48,650 --> 00:56:51,010
Speaker 1: and I didn't know again how I was going to

977
00:56:51,010 --> 00:56:53,490
Speaker 1: get out of this, because he'd gone to another level

978
00:56:53,490 --> 00:56:56,770
Speaker 1: and I didn't think it could get worse. Despite the

979
00:56:56,770 --> 00:56:58,730
Speaker 1: fact that I didn't think it could get worse.

980
00:56:58,770 --> 00:57:02,450
Speaker 2: But it did. James became paranoid, and that paranoia blew

981
00:57:02,530 --> 00:57:05,170
Speaker 2: over one night when he saw Sky's phone bill and

982
00:57:05,170 --> 00:57:07,490
Speaker 2: that she'd called a number he didn't recognize.

983
00:57:07,810 --> 00:57:10,810
Speaker 1: It was five am, and it had been a night

984
00:57:10,890 --> 00:57:14,010
Speaker 1: of just a use and threats and I'm going to

985
00:57:14,090 --> 00:57:17,050
Speaker 1: send these images to this person, and I'm going to

986
00:57:18,090 --> 00:57:20,210
Speaker 1: hurt your mom and your friends, and it just it

987
00:57:20,250 --> 00:57:24,410
Speaker 1: never stopped. And I had gotten up to get ready

988
00:57:24,450 --> 00:57:26,570
Speaker 1: for work, and there was a knock on the door

989
00:57:27,010 --> 00:57:30,810
Speaker 1: followed by, you better let me in, and I thought, oh,

990
00:57:30,850 --> 00:57:33,970
Speaker 1: something's happened to him, opened the door and he came

991
00:57:34,010 --> 00:57:37,130
Speaker 1: in in a fit of absolute rage, and he just

992
00:57:37,210 --> 00:57:40,050
Speaker 1: kept saying, whose phone number is this? Whose phone number

993
00:57:40,130 --> 00:57:43,450
Speaker 1: is this? And I didn't know what to do. He

994
00:57:43,530 --> 00:57:45,690
Speaker 1: picked up a vase in the front of my house

995
00:57:45,730 --> 00:57:48,970
Speaker 1: and smashed it all through the front entryway. There was

996
00:57:49,050 --> 00:57:53,810
Speaker 1: glass everywhere. Leah and Kaid both woke up. Luckily Bonnie

997
00:57:53,850 --> 00:57:59,530
Speaker 1: wasn't there, and he just started screaming and yelling and

998
00:57:59,610 --> 00:58:04,690
Speaker 1: having this absolute breakdown. I had had to put shoes

999
00:58:04,730 --> 00:58:07,050
Speaker 1: on the kids and get them settled and get them

1000
00:58:07,090 --> 00:58:08,650
Speaker 1: breakfast and all the things that you're trying to do

1001
00:58:08,690 --> 00:58:12,050
Speaker 1: in a normal mourning around this absolute, un pretty didictable

1002
00:58:12,130 --> 00:58:15,610
Speaker 1: lunatic who's just throwing things around my house and screaming

1003
00:58:15,650 --> 00:58:19,250
Speaker 1: at the top of his lungs. And I sat them down,

1004
00:58:19,370 --> 00:58:21,370
Speaker 1: I got them breakfast, and then I went back to

1005
00:58:21,450 --> 00:58:24,610
Speaker 1: him and he was in my garage at this point.

1006
00:58:24,610 --> 00:58:26,450
Speaker 1: I shut him in the garage and locked it so

1007
00:58:26,490 --> 00:58:29,650
Speaker 1: he couldn't get back into the internal house. And to

1008
00:58:29,730 --> 00:58:32,170
Speaker 1: try and get back into the house, he pulled a

1009
00:58:32,250 --> 00:58:35,730
Speaker 1: suitcase of clothes that I had packed to give back

1010
00:58:35,770 --> 00:58:38,850
Speaker 1: to him over to the door and set it on fire.

1011
00:58:39,850 --> 00:58:42,490
Speaker 1: I saw smoke starting to come under the door, and

1012
00:58:42,690 --> 00:58:45,410
Speaker 1: my reaction was, we're going to die. He's going to

1013
00:58:45,410 --> 00:58:47,490
Speaker 1: burn the house down and we're all going to be

1014
00:58:47,530 --> 00:58:52,010
Speaker 1: in it. And there was smoke everywhere, and Leah had

1015
00:58:52,010 --> 00:58:54,890
Speaker 1: come out asking me if it was okay, and he

1016
00:58:54,970 --> 00:58:57,810
Speaker 1: had just said, get the kids out, Get the kids out.

1017
00:58:58,210 --> 00:59:01,570
Speaker 1: It was terrifying. I didn't know what to do. He

1018
00:59:01,810 --> 00:59:04,730
Speaker 1: was between me and the car. I couldn't get to

1019
00:59:04,770 --> 00:59:06,890
Speaker 1: the car without going past him. I didn't know what

1020
00:59:07,010 --> 00:59:09,930
Speaker 1: he was going to do in this manic episode to

1021
00:59:10,170 --> 00:59:12,050
Speaker 1: me if he managed to get his hand on me

1022
00:59:12,090 --> 00:59:15,050
Speaker 1: and the kids between there and the car. I had

1023
00:59:15,090 --> 00:59:18,130
Speaker 1: called my friend and she had called his friend and

1024
00:59:18,210 --> 00:59:21,930
Speaker 1: he came to the house. He talked James down. James

1025
00:59:21,970 --> 00:59:23,850
Speaker 1: had put the fire out by this point, and he

1026
00:59:23,930 --> 00:59:26,890
Speaker 1: was just coughing soot everywhere all through the house, just

1027
00:59:26,930 --> 00:59:30,450
Speaker 1: walking through the house, just coughing this black soot. His

1028
00:59:30,490 --> 00:59:32,490
Speaker 1: friend helped me get the kids in the car and

1029
00:59:32,530 --> 00:59:35,490
Speaker 1: I drove away. My mum and my friend tried to

1030
00:59:35,530 --> 00:59:38,290
Speaker 1: convince me that it's wrong and this shouldn't happen, and

1031
00:59:39,170 --> 00:59:41,530
Speaker 1: you need to take some serious action here, but I

1032
00:59:41,730 --> 00:59:45,290
Speaker 1: didn't know how. I just felt so stuck, and I

1033
00:59:45,330 --> 00:59:48,730
Speaker 1: remember saying to them, this is my life now, this

1034
00:59:48,890 --> 00:59:51,770
Speaker 1: is just how it is. There's no way out. He

1035
00:59:51,930 --> 00:59:54,330
Speaker 1: has the upper hand, he is more powerful than me,

1036
00:59:54,410 --> 00:59:57,650
Speaker 1: and there is nothing I can do about it. And

1037
00:59:57,690 --> 00:59:58,570
Speaker 1: that was how I felt.

1038
00:59:59,250 --> 01:00:01,970
Speaker 2: She was terrified of him, of what he was capable

1039
01:00:02,050 --> 01:00:04,530
Speaker 2: of life on her own, and what he would do

1040
01:00:04,610 --> 01:00:07,010
Speaker 2: if she tried to cut him off for good. She

1041
01:00:07,210 --> 01:00:09,970
Speaker 2: just didn't see a way out. But only a week

1042
01:00:10,090 --> 01:00:14,370
Speaker 2: later there was another episode. This one was the final straw.

1043
01:00:14,810 --> 01:00:17,050
Speaker 1: We still weren't together, but there were talks about him

1044
01:00:17,050 --> 01:00:20,010
Speaker 1: potentially moving back into the house because the lease was ending,

1045
01:00:20,650 --> 01:00:22,570
Speaker 1: and I just I didn't know how to say no.

1046
01:00:23,010 --> 01:00:25,890
Speaker 1: We'd sort of gotten past all this really heavy stuff,

1047
01:00:26,330 --> 01:00:28,450
Speaker 1: and his family was still pushing him onto me, and

1048
01:00:28,490 --> 01:00:31,570
Speaker 1: I didn't know how to say no. He had fallen

1049
01:00:31,610 --> 01:00:35,170
Speaker 1: asleep and I had gone through his phone again to

1050
01:00:35,250 --> 01:00:37,370
Speaker 1: see what he was doing, to see if I could

1051
01:00:37,370 --> 01:00:39,410
Speaker 1: trust him, to see if there was a way to

1052
01:00:39,930 --> 01:00:43,890
Speaker 1: mend all of this trauma that he had caused, and

1053
01:00:43,970 --> 01:00:47,010
Speaker 1: I found that he had been paying women for sexual

1054
01:00:47,010 --> 01:00:53,250
Speaker 1: gratification in money and in drugs, and I confronted him

1055
01:00:53,290 --> 01:00:56,810
Speaker 1: about that the next morning, and I said, look, it's

1056
01:00:56,850 --> 01:00:59,090
Speaker 1: time for you to start telling me the truth about things.

1057
01:00:59,570 --> 01:01:02,090
Speaker 1: Are you capable of telling the truth? Prove that you're

1058
01:01:02,090 --> 01:01:05,250
Speaker 1: capable of telling the truth. I asked him about it,

1059
01:01:06,090 --> 01:01:10,050
Speaker 1: and he again just saw red and went into this

1060
01:01:10,090 --> 01:01:12,490
Speaker 1: fit of rage. He picked up a deathque that was

1061
01:01:12,610 --> 01:01:15,970
Speaker 1: in my living room and he started slamming it against

1062
01:01:16,010 --> 01:01:18,650
Speaker 1: the roof and the ground and the couch and the walls,

1063
01:01:18,690 --> 01:01:21,290
Speaker 1: and the desk was completely mangled by the end of it.

1064
01:01:22,090 --> 01:01:24,890
Speaker 1: And I didn't see what else he was doing. He

1065
01:01:24,970 --> 01:01:28,810
Speaker 1: sort of started throwing computer equipment around. But Leah came

1066
01:01:28,850 --> 01:01:31,450
Speaker 1: and grabbed me by the hand, and I had kid

1067
01:01:31,570 --> 01:01:34,650
Speaker 1: with me, and she took me into her bedroom and

1068
01:01:34,730 --> 01:01:37,050
Speaker 1: she said, it's all right, Mummy, We'll be safe in

1069
01:01:37,090 --> 01:01:41,730
Speaker 1: here while daddy breaks the house, just staying here. And

1070
01:01:41,810 --> 01:01:46,570
Speaker 1: I broke down and just thought, how my kids should

1071
01:01:46,690 --> 01:01:49,930
Speaker 1: not be thinking like that. They shouldn't be thinking that

1072
01:01:50,010 --> 01:01:54,490
Speaker 1: they have to save me from anything. They should feel safe.

1073
01:01:54,610 --> 01:01:58,010
Speaker 1: And I couldn't do it anymore. So that Friday, I

1074
01:01:58,050 --> 01:02:02,250
Speaker 1: went to my mum's house. I stayed there and I

1075
01:02:02,290 --> 01:02:04,370
Speaker 1: just made excuses to be away from the house as

1076
01:02:04,450 --> 01:02:08,610
Speaker 1: much as I could all that weekend, and on the Monday,

1077
01:02:08,690 --> 01:02:11,530
Speaker 1: I went to the corner. I filed for a violence

1078
01:02:11,770 --> 01:02:15,850
Speaker 1: straining orner. Something clicked for me and I couldn't let

1079
01:02:15,850 --> 01:02:18,250
Speaker 1: this person keep doing this to me, and I couldn't

1080
01:02:18,290 --> 01:02:21,170
Speaker 1: let it keep happening in front of my kids. I

1081
01:02:21,210 --> 01:02:26,690
Speaker 1: was really disappointed in myself. I didn't know how I

1082
01:02:26,730 --> 01:02:30,010
Speaker 1: had let my life get to that point where I

1083
01:02:30,050 --> 01:02:33,650
Speaker 1: was having to get a restraining order against someone that

1084
01:02:34,330 --> 01:02:40,090
Speaker 1: six months earlier I could have married. I felt really

1085
01:02:40,130 --> 01:02:43,410
Speaker 1: regretful that my kids had experienced so much and they

1086
01:02:43,450 --> 01:02:48,650
Speaker 1: were so little, and I was ashamed. I was ashamed

1087
01:02:48,690 --> 01:02:53,690
Speaker 1: that I had allowed him to compromise my moral values

1088
01:02:54,250 --> 01:02:57,970
Speaker 1: to suit his agenda when I didn't need to, and

1089
01:02:58,010 --> 01:03:00,410
Speaker 1: I could have gotten to the same outcome, potentially in

1090
01:03:00,410 --> 01:03:04,450
Speaker 1: a less violent way. I was just so lost. You

1091
01:03:04,570 --> 01:03:06,490
Speaker 1: hear it all the time, and you hear people talk

1092
01:03:06,530 --> 01:03:10,530
Speaker 1: about these domestic violent situations, And before I was in

1093
01:03:10,570 --> 01:03:15,650
Speaker 1: one would have said, why don't they just leave? And

1094
01:03:15,690 --> 01:03:20,170
Speaker 1: it's such a common misconception that this leaving is something

1095
01:03:20,170 --> 01:03:23,930
Speaker 1: that you can do because you never feel safe. The

1096
01:03:24,050 --> 01:03:26,170
Speaker 1: day that the vero was served, he tried to go

1097
01:03:26,250 --> 01:03:29,370
Speaker 1: to daycare and take Leah from daycare. He never really

1098
01:03:29,370 --> 01:03:32,650
Speaker 1: had a relationship with kid, so I wasn't worried about

1099
01:03:32,690 --> 01:03:36,930
Speaker 1: him taking CAID, but Leah, yes, it worries me. His

1100
01:03:37,050 --> 01:03:40,770
Speaker 1: parents have taken the restraining order very seriously, mind you,

1101
01:03:41,370 --> 01:03:45,650
Speaker 1: and I have had no contact from him directly and

1102
01:03:45,690 --> 01:03:49,330
Speaker 1: I haven't seen him. I was tact for him when

1103
01:03:49,330 --> 01:03:51,410
Speaker 1: I got my restraining order. I made sure that he

1104
01:03:51,490 --> 01:03:53,730
Speaker 1: was living back with his parents, that he didn't have

1105
01:03:53,810 --> 01:03:57,050
Speaker 1: access to income, he'd be made redundant at work so

1106
01:03:57,090 --> 01:04:00,770
Speaker 1: he couldn't come after me. He had as little resources

1107
01:04:00,810 --> 01:04:06,330
Speaker 1: as possible to use against me, and I then had

1108
01:04:06,370 --> 01:04:10,290
Speaker 1: a lawyer assist me in drafting up a statement of

1109
01:04:10,330 --> 01:04:13,250
Speaker 1: everything that had happened and helping me collate the evidence,

1110
01:04:13,930 --> 01:04:16,450
Speaker 1: and I gave it to the police in early twenty

1111
01:04:16,530 --> 01:04:21,090
Speaker 1: twenty four. The police investigated and came down to a

1112
01:04:21,170 --> 01:04:26,970
Speaker 1: number of charges, and he was charged with those things

1113
01:04:27,050 --> 01:04:31,570
Speaker 1: in March. Now it's really disappointing because a lot of

1114
01:04:31,610 --> 01:04:37,010
Speaker 1: the assault charges couldn't be proven after the fact, and

1115
01:04:37,090 --> 01:04:40,130
Speaker 1: there are a lot of things where it's really violent

1116
01:04:40,450 --> 01:04:45,250
Speaker 1: coercive controlling behavior, but unfortunately coercive control isn't a crime

1117
01:04:45,330 --> 01:04:48,010
Speaker 1: yet where I live, so we had to go down

1118
01:04:48,050 --> 01:04:50,650
Speaker 1: to what is a crime? Revenge porn, so threatening to

1119
01:04:50,690 --> 01:04:54,250
Speaker 1: send into images of me as a crime. Setting the

1120
01:04:54,250 --> 01:04:57,450
Speaker 1: fire is a crime, and breaking into my house and

1121
01:04:57,490 --> 01:05:00,330
Speaker 1: causing damage the way he did was a crime. So

1122
01:05:00,370 --> 01:05:03,330
Speaker 1: he was charged with those things. They set a trial.

1123
01:05:03,890 --> 01:05:06,290
Speaker 1: They ended up negotiating with him to get a guilty

1124
01:05:06,330 --> 01:05:09,570
Speaker 1: plea to avoid trial, and he walked away with a

1125
01:05:09,610 --> 01:05:13,370
Speaker 1: two and a half thousand dollar fine, which to me,

1126
01:05:13,490 --> 01:05:18,970
Speaker 1: it's just insulting. And I don't blame the police, but

1127
01:05:19,090 --> 01:05:23,370
Speaker 1: I think that the justice system is a really difficult

1128
01:05:23,450 --> 01:05:27,130
Speaker 1: place to navigate, and they're not keeping up with the

1129
01:05:27,250 --> 01:05:32,890
Speaker 1: expectations of the community or the social justice side of things.

1130
01:05:33,570 --> 01:05:36,170
Speaker 1: There are so many women who die every year, and

1131
01:05:36,210 --> 01:05:40,850
Speaker 1: this is why, because violent defenders like James are let

1132
01:05:40,970 --> 01:05:43,250
Speaker 1: off the first time that they do something like this,

1133
01:05:43,850 --> 01:05:45,850
Speaker 1: they're let off the second time that they do something

1134
01:05:45,890 --> 01:05:48,090
Speaker 1: like this with a fine, and then the third time

1135
01:05:48,130 --> 01:05:51,250
Speaker 1: that they do something like this, someone will die, and

1136
01:05:51,610 --> 01:05:55,530
Speaker 1: naturally then they'll receive a harsher penalty. But it shouldn't

1137
01:05:55,530 --> 01:06:00,450
Speaker 1: take someone to die for him to be in prison.

1138
01:06:00,970 --> 01:06:04,730
Speaker 1: And sometimes I wish I did die he strangled me

1139
01:06:04,970 --> 01:06:07,770
Speaker 1: on two separate occasions, and on both of those occasions,

1140
01:06:07,770 --> 01:06:11,130
Speaker 1: I thought, well, this is it for me. I'm gonna die.

1141
01:06:11,810 --> 01:06:14,250
Speaker 1: When he would constantly come into my house in the

1142
01:06:14,290 --> 01:06:16,290
Speaker 1: middle of the night when I was asleep, and I

1143
01:06:16,290 --> 01:06:19,650
Speaker 1: would wake up to him standing over me angry, I

1144
01:06:19,690 --> 01:06:22,130
Speaker 1: always wondered what happens if one day he just brings

1145
01:06:22,170 --> 01:06:25,450
Speaker 1: a knife and I'm just gone, or he gets a

1146
01:06:25,490 --> 01:06:29,130
Speaker 1: gun and there's nothing I can do about it. And

1147
01:06:29,170 --> 01:06:32,490
Speaker 1: I did think I wouldn't survive. I thought he has

1148
01:06:32,570 --> 01:06:36,210
Speaker 1: so much control and power that it's just a matter

1149
01:06:36,250 --> 01:06:38,530
Speaker 1: of time before he kills me. And I definitely didn't

1150
01:06:38,530 --> 01:06:40,170
Speaker 1: think I would ever get out. I thought that I

1151
01:06:40,170 --> 01:06:43,330
Speaker 1: would be living like this forever. And it's hard to

1152
01:06:43,370 --> 01:06:45,530
Speaker 1: explain the way that it makes you feel. But when

1153
01:06:45,570 --> 01:06:49,130
Speaker 1: you're getting these constant text messages every day and these

1154
01:06:49,170 --> 01:06:52,210
Speaker 1: phone calls, and just this cycle of no matter what

1155
01:06:52,330 --> 01:06:55,890
Speaker 1: you say, you get abused, and everything is your fault.

1156
01:06:56,370 --> 01:06:59,130
Speaker 1: Every single thing that would go wrong in James's life

1157
01:06:59,210 --> 01:07:01,450
Speaker 1: was my fault one way or another, and you just

1158
01:07:01,530 --> 01:07:04,690
Speaker 1: had this way of manipulating things. And the best way

1159
01:07:04,730 --> 01:07:07,690
Speaker 1: I can explain it is that your brain feels like

1160
01:07:08,250 --> 01:07:12,490
Speaker 1: it's just being pressed down on someone's got a wet

1161
01:07:12,610 --> 01:07:16,090
Speaker 1: rag and they're just ringing out your brain and you

1162
01:07:16,250 --> 01:07:19,410
Speaker 1: just want it to stop, and it's so uncomfortable and

1163
01:07:19,450 --> 01:07:21,770
Speaker 1: it just makes you so fuzzy, but you can't make

1164
01:07:21,810 --> 01:07:24,810
Speaker 1: it stop, and it hurts so much. Your brain feels

1165
01:07:24,810 --> 01:07:26,930
Speaker 1: like it's going to explode under all of this pressure

1166
01:07:26,970 --> 01:07:30,130
Speaker 1: of someone ringing it out. But until that other person

1167
01:07:30,250 --> 01:07:34,490
Speaker 1: is satisfied again and they stop abusing you and they

1168
01:07:34,530 --> 01:07:38,210
Speaker 1: stop coming for you for that short period, it just

1169
01:07:38,250 --> 01:07:40,530
Speaker 1: feels like that. So that's why you always just give

1170
01:07:40,570 --> 01:07:43,610
Speaker 1: in and you do what they say and you're amenable,

1171
01:07:43,770 --> 01:07:47,690
Speaker 1: because otherwise your brain feels like that, and it's you

1172
01:07:47,730 --> 01:07:49,490
Speaker 1: can't deal with that. It feels like your ears are

1173
01:07:49,490 --> 01:07:51,490
Speaker 1: going to start bleeding, your eyes are going to pop

1174
01:07:51,530 --> 01:07:54,770
Speaker 1: out of your skull, and you feel like you're going

1175
01:07:54,810 --> 01:07:58,970
Speaker 1: to die just from words, which is completely unrealistic, but

1176
01:07:59,890 --> 01:08:04,010
Speaker 1: it's exactly how it feels. I think that if anyone

1177
01:08:04,210 --> 01:08:07,610
Speaker 1: is listening and they are going through forms of domestic abuse,

1178
01:08:07,730 --> 01:08:09,730
Speaker 1: it's really important to know that there are a lot

1179
01:08:09,730 --> 01:08:13,930
Speaker 1: of community supports and you don't know it when you're

1180
01:08:14,250 --> 01:08:16,170
Speaker 1: faced with it in the moment, but there are people

1181
01:08:16,210 --> 01:08:18,890
Speaker 1: there that want to help you, and it's really important

1182
01:08:18,930 --> 01:08:22,050
Speaker 1: to understand how to get out and who can help

1183
01:08:22,090 --> 01:08:24,530
Speaker 1: you get out. And those people do exist, and their

1184
01:08:24,610 --> 01:08:28,250
Speaker 1: numbers are available online, and if you can just get

1185
01:08:28,290 --> 01:08:31,450
Speaker 1: five minutes to research them, do it, because there are

1186
01:08:31,570 --> 01:08:35,530
Speaker 1: genuine businesses and associations that can help you get out.

1187
01:08:36,130 --> 01:08:38,450
Speaker 1: If you are in a situation where you're feeling stuck

1188
01:08:38,570 --> 01:08:40,690
Speaker 1: and you're feeling like there isn't going to be a

1189
01:08:40,730 --> 01:08:42,890
Speaker 1: way out, there is definitely a light at the end

1190
01:08:42,930 --> 01:08:45,970
Speaker 1: of the tunnel, and you can get there. You can

1191
01:08:45,970 --> 01:08:52,050
Speaker 1: do it. It's been instrumental for me to recognize the

1192
01:08:52,130 --> 01:08:55,370
Speaker 1: difference in how I feel when I'm at home, and

1193
01:08:55,410 --> 01:08:57,890
Speaker 1: that's something that I've really honed in on for myself,

1194
01:08:58,010 --> 01:09:00,690
Speaker 1: is when I'm at home now, I don't feel scared

1195
01:09:00,810 --> 01:09:04,130
Speaker 1: and anxious because of him being there. I don't feel

1196
01:09:04,130 --> 01:09:06,050
Speaker 1: like I need to act a certain way or not

1197
01:09:06,170 --> 01:09:09,250
Speaker 1: speak or not laugh, or not have my friends over

1198
01:09:09,570 --> 01:09:12,530
Speaker 1: or keep my kids quiet. I don't feel like I

1199
01:09:12,610 --> 01:09:16,010
Speaker 1: need to conform to what somebody else wants of me,

1200
01:09:17,170 --> 01:09:21,770
Speaker 1: which is unrealistic. I'm comfortable. I'm confident. My kids can play,

1201
01:09:21,810 --> 01:09:24,010
Speaker 1: they can laugh, they can smile, they can do what

1202
01:09:24,050 --> 01:09:27,770
Speaker 1: they need to do and it's not harming anybody else.

1203
01:09:27,810 --> 01:09:29,570
Speaker 1: And I think that the way that I feel at

1204
01:09:29,610 --> 01:09:33,250
Speaker 1: home is something that I reflect on a lot when

1205
01:09:33,290 --> 01:09:39,330
Speaker 1: I'm thinking, Oh, this sucks, my family's broken. I still

1206
01:09:39,370 --> 01:09:42,250
Speaker 1: lost that person. Even though he didn't turn out to

1207
01:09:42,290 --> 01:09:45,130
Speaker 1: be a good person at the time, I still wanted

1208
01:09:45,130 --> 01:09:49,770
Speaker 1: that person, so that gives me a lot of grounding.

1209
01:09:51,130 --> 01:09:54,010
Speaker 1: I don't think you ever really can just move on

1210
01:09:54,210 --> 01:09:56,530
Speaker 1: from something like this. I think you have to grow

1211
01:09:56,650 --> 01:10:00,730
Speaker 1: into it, is my view, and I notice behaviors and

1212
01:10:00,770 --> 01:10:07,130
Speaker 1: things in myself now trying to maybe start dating, and

1213
01:10:07,210 --> 01:10:09,770
Speaker 1: those sorts of things that I just I'm not ready,

1214
01:10:10,330 --> 01:10:13,050
Speaker 1: and I have to recognize that it's probably going to

1215
01:10:13,050 --> 01:10:16,770
Speaker 1: be a long time before I'm ready to have that

1216
01:10:16,930 --> 01:10:20,570
Speaker 1: kind of a relationship with a male again. And growing

1217
01:10:20,610 --> 01:10:24,010
Speaker 1: into it, to me is accepting that there's limitations to

1218
01:10:24,050 --> 01:10:26,050
Speaker 1: who I am now because of what's happened to me,

1219
01:10:26,530 --> 01:10:29,570
Speaker 1: but not letting it become my entire personality. I don't

1220
01:10:29,570 --> 01:10:33,010
Speaker 1: want to be known as the victim or as someone

1221
01:10:33,050 --> 01:10:34,890
Speaker 1: that this has happened to. I want to be able

1222
01:10:34,970 --> 01:10:38,250
Speaker 1: to help other people who are going through this situation,

1223
01:10:38,530 --> 01:10:41,850
Speaker 1: and I want to harness the power that it's given

1224
01:10:41,930 --> 01:10:44,690
Speaker 1: me as a woman to be able to speak out

1225
01:10:44,730 --> 01:10:47,890
Speaker 1: and to be able to provide that support to other people.

1226
01:10:48,850 --> 01:10:51,250
Speaker 1: I get overwhelmed from time to time. Three kids on

1227
01:10:51,290 --> 01:10:54,690
Speaker 1: your own is a lot, and parenting wasn't meant for

1228
01:10:55,170 --> 01:10:59,050
Speaker 1: single parents. But I have a lot of support in

1229
01:10:59,090 --> 01:11:03,770
Speaker 1: my friends and my family. I'm quite far down the

1230
01:11:03,890 --> 01:11:07,690
Speaker 1: journey now. I'm past the shock of what people are

1231
01:11:07,730 --> 01:11:11,330
Speaker 1: still finding out about, and I'm more into the acceptance

1232
01:11:12,090 --> 01:11:15,370
Speaker 1: part of my journey and trying to evolve from it.

1233
01:11:15,850 --> 01:11:18,610
Speaker 1: And it's not easy. It's not easy to live with

1234
01:11:19,570 --> 01:11:24,690
Speaker 1: this thing that's happened to you that tries to define you.

1235
01:11:24,770 --> 01:11:27,690
Speaker 1: But I think I'm dealing with it as best as

1236
01:11:27,690 --> 01:11:30,090
Speaker 1: I possibly can. And I just want to make people aware.

1237
01:11:30,130 --> 01:11:32,810
Speaker 1: I want to try and help other people. I want

1238
01:11:32,850 --> 01:11:36,490
Speaker 1: to use it for good rather than let it drag

1239
01:11:36,570 --> 01:11:38,690
Speaker 1: me and my kids down. And don't want to be

1240
01:11:38,730 --> 01:11:41,650
Speaker 1: branded as a victim or branded as viral. I'm just

1241
01:11:41,730 --> 01:11:46,290
Speaker 1: me trying to get through every day. I'm living every

1242
01:11:46,370 --> 01:11:48,810
Speaker 1: day in the hope that the system will have my back.

1243
01:11:53,050 --> 01:11:55,490
Speaker 2: If you or anyone you know is a victim of

1244
01:11:55,570 --> 01:11:59,050
Speaker 2: domestic violence, you can visit one eight hundred respect dot

1245
01:11:59,130 --> 01:12:02,410
Speaker 2: org dot au or call one eight hundred Respect a

1246
01:12:02,530 --> 01:12:07,650
Speaker 2: confidential information, counseling and support service for people impacted by domestic,

1247
01:12:07,810 --> 01:12:15,770
Speaker 2: family or sexual violence. Everyone Has an X is a

1248
01:12:15,770 --> 01:12:19,570
Speaker 2: Minti Media production and proudly part of the Mummamea network.

1249
01:12:19,890 --> 01:12:23,090
Speaker 2: Is written and narrated by me Georgia Love and produced

1250
01:12:23,130 --> 01:12:25,490
Speaker 2: by Linda Scott. If you have a story you'd like

1251
01:12:25,570 --> 01:12:29,410
Speaker 2: to share, email podcast at momamea dot com dot au.

1252
01:12:29,730 --> 01:12:31,730
Speaker 2: You can support us by following the show in your

1253
01:12:31,770 --> 01:12:35,130
Speaker 2: favorite podcast app and leaving a five star review. We'll

1254
01:12:35,170 --> 01:12:40,690
Speaker 2: see you for the next episode.