1 00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:14,040 Speaker 1: You're listening to a Muma Mia podcast. 2 00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:17,920 Speaker 2: Mamma Maya acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and 3 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:20,280 Speaker 2: waters that this podcast is recorded on. 4 00:00:20,759 --> 00:00:23,599 Speaker 3: I have this constant feeling that everything is my fault. 5 00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:26,760 Speaker 3: No matter what I do, I always blame myself for everything, 6 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:28,639 Speaker 3: even if I have nothing to do with it. Did 7 00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:31,680 Speaker 3: you have a parent who never really apologized when they 8 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:32,400 Speaker 3: made mistakes? 9 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:33,440 Speaker 4: Yes? 10 00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:36,960 Speaker 1: What if a child never witnessed their parent apologize. 11 00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:40,280 Speaker 3: The child then internalizes that and says, well, then it 12 00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:41,720 Speaker 3: must be my fault. 13 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:45,200 Speaker 1: For Mama Maya. 14 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:49,240 Speaker 4: I'm your host, Ashani Dante. Welcome to But are you happy? 15 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:53,000 Speaker 4: Because regulating your nervous system takes more than a marcha 16 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:53,720 Speaker 4: and a mantra? 17 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:57,840 Speaker 2: And I'm doctor Anastagia Herness, a clinical psychologist passionate about 18 00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:01,960 Speaker 2: happiness and mental health. A question for you listener. Do 19 00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:05,520 Speaker 2: you sometimes hear a voice in your head that says 20 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:08,800 Speaker 2: mean things about you, things you would never say about 21 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:09,839 Speaker 2: someone you cared about. 22 00:01:10,399 --> 00:01:14,000 Speaker 4: Oh, that old chestnut I call my inner meanie Luke. 23 00:01:16,479 --> 00:01:19,000 Speaker 2: Look, most of us have this voice from time to time. 24 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:22,079 Speaker 2: But when this voice starts to impact our mental health 25 00:01:22,199 --> 00:01:24,560 Speaker 2: or our quality of life, that's when we really need 26 00:01:24,559 --> 00:01:25,880 Speaker 2: to learn to quieten it down. 27 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,799 Speaker 4: So you're going to tell us what's going on here, right, 28 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:31,679 Speaker 4: and how to make our lukes a. 29 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:33,160 Speaker 1: Little bit kinder to ourselves. 30 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:40,839 Speaker 4: Right? Yep, can't wait, let's get into it, okay. So, Anastasia, 31 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:46,319 Speaker 4: the question I have is that inner critic voice isn't 32 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,880 Speaker 4: all that bad? Like should we actually get rid of it? 33 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:52,320 Speaker 2: My favorite first question, yes and no, like, yes, the 34 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:57,880 Speaker 2: inner critic can be really destructive when we experience it 35 00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:02,640 Speaker 2: in excess, or when what it says to us is 36 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:05,200 Speaker 2: really unhelpful. So there's kind of two things we want 37 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:08,639 Speaker 2: to look at here, how much we experience the inner critic, 38 00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:11,399 Speaker 2: how often it comes up in to our head, how 39 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:14,399 Speaker 2: often it talks to us, how loudly it talks to us, right, 40 00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:17,840 Speaker 2: So the kind of intensity and frequency of it. But 41 00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:20,400 Speaker 2: then we also want to look at the content of 42 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:23,920 Speaker 2: what it says. Sometimes the inner critic might say things 43 00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:26,960 Speaker 2: that gives us a bit of a push or a nudge. 44 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,480 Speaker 2: You know, if you're studying for a UNI assessment and 45 00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:31,680 Speaker 2: it's like, well, you didn't get a great mark because 46 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:33,640 Speaker 2: you didn't really study that hard. Maybe next time you 47 00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:36,240 Speaker 2: should try a bit harder. It's probably some truth to that, 48 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:39,360 Speaker 2: and that could actually be helpful and useful for us. 49 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:42,160 Speaker 2: So we've got to really examine the usefulness of the 50 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:45,840 Speaker 2: content along with how frequently we experience that inner critic. 51 00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:48,800 Speaker 4: I really love that because also when we think of 52 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:50,720 Speaker 4: an acritic, we often just want to like push it 53 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:52,600 Speaker 4: away and not listen to it at all. But what 54 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:56,160 Speaker 4: I'm hearing is that we actually should be curious about 55 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:57,600 Speaker 4: it because it's telling us more. 56 00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:02,160 Speaker 2: Right, absolutely, And the reality is, try as we might, 57 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:04,640 Speaker 2: we will never fully get rid of an inner critic. 58 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:08,360 Speaker 2: We're all always going to have an inner critic. So 59 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:11,040 Speaker 2: part of the challenge for us is to get comfortable 60 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:13,400 Speaker 2: with that fact and to be able to tone it 61 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,400 Speaker 2: down and moderate it. But it serves a function. It 62 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:19,600 Speaker 2: does exist to give us a bit of a sort 63 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:23,080 Speaker 2: of moral framework and compass right, to let us know 64 00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:24,960 Speaker 2: when we think we've done the wrong thing or we 65 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,600 Speaker 2: should have done something better than what we did, and 66 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,160 Speaker 2: to be a bit of a guide in life to 67 00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:31,680 Speaker 2: give us that feedback that we sometimes need to hear. 68 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,360 Speaker 2: So it's always going to exist for that purpose. 69 00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:37,560 Speaker 4: And I guess, like with that when you said that 70 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:41,600 Speaker 4: there's different types of the inner critic. What are some 71 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:45,760 Speaker 4: other ways that we can really label, like the different types. 72 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:48,760 Speaker 2: So I'm going to break it down into three types 73 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:53,120 Speaker 2: of inner critics, and listeners out there follow along and 74 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:56,040 Speaker 2: see if you can identify your inner critic and what 75 00:03:56,120 --> 00:04:00,360 Speaker 2: type it might fall into. First type is what we 76 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:04,400 Speaker 2: call a demanding in a critic. Now, this is the 77 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:08,440 Speaker 2: type of inner critic that puts pressure on us. When 78 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:11,720 Speaker 2: we have this inner critic, we feel pressure, We feel 79 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:16,480 Speaker 2: that push feeling, and it sounds like a lot of shoulds. 80 00:04:17,279 --> 00:04:19,799 Speaker 2: You should do better, you should try harder, you should 81 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:22,360 Speaker 2: have known better, you shouldn't have got such a bad mark, 82 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:25,080 Speaker 2: you should have got that promotion. Right. It's that feeling 83 00:04:25,279 --> 00:04:29,839 Speaker 2: of forward pressure. But pressure can sometimes feel crippling as well. Right, 84 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:34,480 Speaker 2: So the demanding in a critic pushes us. Sometimes, it 85 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:36,960 Speaker 2: pushes us a bit too hard and a bit too much. 86 00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:40,880 Speaker 2: If we have this type of inner critic in and 87 00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:45,160 Speaker 2: of itself, it's fundamentally not bad. But if we experience 88 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:47,640 Speaker 2: it in excess, we want to be able to turn 89 00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:49,800 Speaker 2: down the volume and tone it down a little bit 90 00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,680 Speaker 2: if we're feeling like it's too overwhelming. 91 00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:53,680 Speaker 1: Right, Okay, so that's demanding. 92 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:55,360 Speaker 2: So that's first type. 93 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:56,440 Speaker 1: Okay, first type. 94 00:04:56,840 --> 00:05:02,120 Speaker 2: Next type is what we call a punitive in a critic. Now, 95 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:05,760 Speaker 2: this looks and feels very different. If we have a 96 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:10,719 Speaker 2: punitive in a critic, we feel squashed, right, and the 97 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:15,880 Speaker 2: punitive inner critic sounds very different. It sounds like you're 98 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:18,680 Speaker 2: a terrible person, You're worthless, no one's ever going to 99 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,560 Speaker 2: love you, everyone will leave you your shit, why even bother. 100 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,880 Speaker 2: You'll never get anything right in your life. So it's 101 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:28,080 Speaker 2: a real squashed feeling. It doesn't push us forward like 102 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,800 Speaker 2: the demanding in a critic does. It squashes us down, 103 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:35,000 Speaker 2: and it makes us feel shit about ourselves. When we 104 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:38,600 Speaker 2: have a punitive in a critic, that doesn't serve any 105 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:43,280 Speaker 2: functional purpose. There's nothing useful or helpful about having that 106 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:46,480 Speaker 2: style of inner critic. And so in the therapy room, 107 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,520 Speaker 2: if I'm working with someone who's got a punitive in 108 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:50,720 Speaker 2: a critic, our goal is to get rid of it. 109 00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:53,960 Speaker 2: We don't want it around. It's not helpful, it's not useful. 110 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:58,040 Speaker 4: Okay, it's so if we look at the difference so far, 111 00:05:58,280 --> 00:06:01,440 Speaker 4: so is that does that mean like the demanding it's 112 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:06,480 Speaker 4: more action orientated, whereas the punitive's more like internal criticism, 113 00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:08,600 Speaker 4: or how would you like discern between the two. 114 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,720 Speaker 2: That's that's the difference, that one is functional and one 115 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:14,120 Speaker 2: is not. So the demanding in a critic can be 116 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,520 Speaker 2: functional because it can motivate us. It can push us, 117 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,479 Speaker 2: It can give us feedback when we've done something wrong 118 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:21,400 Speaker 2: and we need to correct it, you know, so, it 119 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:24,240 Speaker 2: can motivate us towards action when we've got it in 120 00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:27,560 Speaker 2: the right degree. The punitive one, if I'm telling myself 121 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:30,320 Speaker 2: that I'm a terrible, worthless person, I don't feel like 122 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:33,200 Speaker 2: getting up and being motivated to do things. I feel 123 00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:35,520 Speaker 2: like lying in bed, and I probably feel pretty awful 124 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:40,039 Speaker 2: about myself. The third is what we call a guilt 125 00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:44,160 Speaker 2: inducing in a critic. This is the inner critic that 126 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:48,400 Speaker 2: makes you feel riddled with guilt even when you shouldn't 127 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:51,400 Speaker 2: feel guilty, even when you haven't done anything wrong. So 128 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:53,600 Speaker 2: I'm going to throw back to the excerpt we heard 129 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:55,760 Speaker 2: at the start where that girl was like, I see 130 00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:57,680 Speaker 2: someone walk down the street and fall down, and I 131 00:06:57,680 --> 00:06:59,680 Speaker 2: feel guilty and bad about it, like it was my 132 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:03,320 Speaker 2: fault even though it's clearly not. The guilt inducing in 133 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:07,200 Speaker 2: a critic is the one that tells us we're selfish. 134 00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:10,840 Speaker 2: We should care about other people more. Why we look 135 00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:14,560 Speaker 2: after others? If we say no to going to our parents' 136 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,320 Speaker 2: house for lunch this weekend, we feel really bad about 137 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:20,360 Speaker 2: saying no. One really guilty about it. So that guilt 138 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:23,000 Speaker 2: inducing in a critic. Again, we can have it in excess. 139 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,600 Speaker 2: Sometimes it's useful to feel guilty. But if someone's got 140 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:30,320 Speaker 2: this style of inner critic, they're probably feeling it way 141 00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:34,400 Speaker 2: too much and in circumstances that don't warrant them feeling guilty. 142 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,560 Speaker 4: It's really funny because now that you've spoken about all three, 143 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:39,800 Speaker 4: I'm just like, I feel like I've got all three? 144 00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:41,080 Speaker 1: Is that a bad thing? 145 00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:47,160 Speaker 2: Well, it's it's it's not ideal, Okay, Well it's a therapy, guys. 146 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:53,400 Speaker 2: But it's common, right, It's common for people to have combinations. 147 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,040 Speaker 2: It's some people might be listening and think, Okay, I've 148 00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:57,800 Speaker 2: only got that one. Other people will be like, I 149 00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:00,080 Speaker 2: can see combinations of all of them. And that's not 150 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:01,920 Speaker 2: an uncommon experience for people to have. 151 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:06,160 Speaker 4: Okay, So where does the inner critic come from? 152 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:10,000 Speaker 2: We're not born naturally with an inner critic, right, we 153 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:13,960 Speaker 2: don't come out of the womb hating on ourselves. It's 154 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:18,480 Speaker 2: something we develop throughout our life. The inner critic is 155 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:23,720 Speaker 2: first formed during our early childhood years, through those formative years, 156 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,800 Speaker 2: and it's very much influenced by the messages that we 157 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:31,000 Speaker 2: hear from people around us. Now, they might be messages 158 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:34,320 Speaker 2: that are modeled to us, or they might be messages 159 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:39,440 Speaker 2: that we are told directly. So if you know, little 160 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:42,800 Speaker 2: Sally goes to school and she comes home from school 161 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:45,520 Speaker 2: and she's like, I got ninety five out of one 162 00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:48,160 Speaker 2: hundred in my maths test, and Mum and dad say 163 00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:49,880 Speaker 2: to her, well, what the hell happened to the other 164 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:54,120 Speaker 2: five percent, Little Sally's going to start to develop an 165 00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:57,800 Speaker 2: inner critic that says, I should always be doing better. 166 00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:00,000 Speaker 2: Nothing I do is good enough. I can't even get 167 00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:02,320 Speaker 2: ninety five. That's not good enough. Only one hundred is 168 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:04,600 Speaker 2: good enough. So we start to internalize. That would be 169 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,040 Speaker 2: an example of a demanding inner critic that starts to 170 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:11,360 Speaker 2: develop if from a young age we hear messages where 171 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:15,440 Speaker 2: we are invalidated, where our experiences are invalidated, where we're 172 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:19,640 Speaker 2: told you're a bad child for behaving that particular way. Right, 173 00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:23,199 Speaker 2: when terms like good and bad use towards children, they 174 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,920 Speaker 2: can also start to develop that in a critic. But 175 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,640 Speaker 2: it's not just what message is told to us as kids, 176 00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:32,240 Speaker 2: it's also what we see modeled. So if I'm growing 177 00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:37,160 Speaker 2: up and I see that every time Mum, I don't know, 178 00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:40,280 Speaker 2: makes a wrong turn when she's driving the car, and 179 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:43,160 Speaker 2: she goes, gosh, I'm such an idiot. Why did I 180 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:45,199 Speaker 2: do that? I always stuff up for I can never 181 00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:49,120 Speaker 2: get anything right. We see other peoples in a critic 182 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:51,320 Speaker 2: coming to the forefront, and we also then start to 183 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:54,040 Speaker 2: internalize if I take a wrong turn when I drive, 184 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:56,240 Speaker 2: I must be an idiot as well, because that's what 185 00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:58,720 Speaker 2: Mum said. Right now, All this happens on a very 186 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:04,240 Speaker 2: subconscious level. But if we add another layer of society 187 00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:08,560 Speaker 2: to that, society and culture also give us messages about 188 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:13,160 Speaker 2: what is or isn't quote unquote good or bad behavior right. 189 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:16,240 Speaker 2: Society in our culture tells us how we should be 190 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:18,920 Speaker 2: in the world, and if we don't fit that mold, 191 00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:21,520 Speaker 2: we develop inner criticisms around it. 192 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:24,400 Speaker 4: There really is so many layers to it, isn't it 193 00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:26,680 Speaker 4: when you actually unpack it like that as well? And 194 00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:29,440 Speaker 4: I think it's it's interesting we're talking about, you know, 195 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,240 Speaker 4: a lot of the things that shaped you when you 196 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:33,319 Speaker 4: were a child. And I know that's been a theme 197 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:35,680 Speaker 4: throughout a lot of the episodes. And I feel like 198 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:40,559 Speaker 4: it's very easy to blame our family, right, being like, Oh, 199 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,080 Speaker 4: if you didn't say that thing, I wouldn't be like this. 200 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,079 Speaker 4: And I think it's probably later in life, when we're 201 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,840 Speaker 4: a little bit older, that we build our awareness. But 202 00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:51,120 Speaker 4: I think also it's remembering that, you know, our parents 203 00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:53,439 Speaker 4: are human too, and they're doing the best that they 204 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:56,240 Speaker 4: can with the capacity that they have, right, So it's like, 205 00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:58,800 Speaker 4: how do we balance it all out when we do 206 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:01,920 Speaker 4: find the source of why we're being so mean to ourselves? 207 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:04,840 Speaker 2: And I think you make a good point there, because 208 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:09,680 Speaker 2: it's never one isolated experience, right. It's not because Mum 209 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:11,880 Speaker 2: said that one time. Oh I'm such an idiot? Why 210 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:14,080 Speaker 2: did I do that? That we internalize that. It's when 211 00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:17,640 Speaker 2: we see these patterns through our life, or patterns in 212 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:20,960 Speaker 2: the people or the culture around us that give us 213 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:24,640 Speaker 2: these really strong messages about what is or isn't acceptable, 214 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:27,400 Speaker 2: that we then really internalize those patterns. 215 00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:29,680 Speaker 4: Yeah. And it's interesting too because with a lot of 216 00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:32,000 Speaker 4: the workshops I around with teenage girls, one of the 217 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:34,320 Speaker 4: first things we do get them to do is in 218 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:36,800 Speaker 4: order to build self awareness. It's been able to discern, 219 00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:39,920 Speaker 4: you know, where did these negative thoughts come from? And 220 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:41,840 Speaker 4: you know, a lot of the time girls are saying 221 00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:45,160 Speaker 4: things like, oh, society tells us we need to, you know, 222 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:48,160 Speaker 4: have it all together, be perfect, but don't be too perfect, 223 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:51,079 Speaker 4: and you've got to be slim thick, and they break 224 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,520 Speaker 4: it all down. It's the same narrative I hear all 225 00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:56,800 Speaker 4: the time, and it breaks my heart like thinking about 226 00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:59,040 Speaker 4: it because it's just, oh, I'm getting emotional. 227 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:00,520 Speaker 1: I don't know if we're going to cut this out, 228 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:02,240 Speaker 1: but it's something I'm. 229 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:05,240 Speaker 4: Really passionate about because they feel really deflated, you know, 230 00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:09,360 Speaker 4: they feel disempowered, they feel trapped because that's just how 231 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:10,040 Speaker 4: they've grown up. 232 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:11,360 Speaker 1: It's just what they've seen. 233 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:14,000 Speaker 4: And it's really coming back to a lot of the 234 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:16,720 Speaker 4: tools that we've been you know, weaving throughout all the episodes. 235 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:18,240 Speaker 4: It's like, at the end of the day, what can 236 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:22,240 Speaker 4: we control? And it is our self empowerment and our 237 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:23,800 Speaker 4: environment as well. 238 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:27,760 Speaker 2: Yeah, And the unfortunate thing is that kids and teens 239 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:31,120 Speaker 2: don't yet have the skills to be able to really 240 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:35,920 Speaker 2: fact check their inner critic, right, they just believe it. Well, 241 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,240 Speaker 2: you know, as kids and teenagers, we don't have that 242 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,679 Speaker 2: cognitive capacity yet like we do as adults. We can 243 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:43,920 Speaker 2: take that step back and really kind of examine our 244 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:48,480 Speaker 2: inner critic from a really critical lens. But as kids, 245 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:50,480 Speaker 2: we don't yet have that ability developed. 246 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:54,920 Speaker 4: Yeah, I agree, and I think it's it all exists 247 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:57,680 Speaker 4: in conversations, right. It's only once we have the courage 248 00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:00,439 Speaker 4: to have these conversations know that we're not alone, because 249 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:02,959 Speaker 4: what we're getting is that we all haven't in a 250 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:05,280 Speaker 4: critic and it's around how do we learn to work 251 00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:05,679 Speaker 4: with it. 252 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:08,240 Speaker 2: I've seen so many people come to the clinic who 253 00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:13,520 Speaker 2: have that loud, debilitating in a critic and you would 254 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:17,360 Speaker 2: not pick it looking at them from the outside. I 255 00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:21,080 Speaker 2: have people who come to the clinic. They're lawyers and 256 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:25,600 Speaker 2: their judges and their CEOs, and they're you know, also 257 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:29,000 Speaker 2: their public figures. They're in sorts of work. I guess 258 00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:32,040 Speaker 2: that requires them to be very front facing and have 259 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:36,080 Speaker 2: a confidence to them when they carry out the skill 260 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,640 Speaker 2: set they're required to do in their career. And if 261 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:40,680 Speaker 2: you looked at them from the outside, you would not 262 00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:45,000 Speaker 2: pick that they had this really strong inner critic, because 263 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:50,000 Speaker 2: it is something that some people can hide from the 264 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:52,840 Speaker 2: outside world. So exactly to your point, we don't know 265 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,920 Speaker 2: what someone else's in a critic is saying to them. 266 00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:58,360 Speaker 2: We do sometimes meet people on the flip side where 267 00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:01,800 Speaker 2: we can hear their inner critic. They literally say out loud, 268 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:03,600 Speaker 2: oh no, I'm so sorry I did that wrong. I 269 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:05,680 Speaker 2: was such a bad friend. I should have called you, 270 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:07,520 Speaker 2: I didn't call you enough, and were like, well, stop, 271 00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:10,120 Speaker 2: it's okay. You know, some people will literally talk out 272 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:13,440 Speaker 2: they're in a critic. Other people will mask it really 273 00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:16,200 Speaker 2: really well. But what we can see it sort of 274 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:20,800 Speaker 2: manifest as in terms of behaviors is chronic depression. So 275 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:24,840 Speaker 2: people who have a very loud and particularly punitive in. 276 00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:26,840 Speaker 1: A critic that is washing one. 277 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:30,320 Speaker 2: That's the squashing one. Yep. That's really hard to manage 278 00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:32,560 Speaker 2: in the long run, and it is very much correlated 279 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:36,400 Speaker 2: with having long standing depression, but also low self esteem. 280 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:38,840 Speaker 2: If we have a little voice in our head telling 281 00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:41,440 Speaker 2: us every day how terrible we are, we're not going 282 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:43,760 Speaker 2: to feel particularly good about ourselves. 283 00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:49,880 Speaker 4: And do you have any like examples of any clients 284 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:53,400 Speaker 4: you've worked with recently? Obviously like keeping confidentiality and everything 285 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:55,520 Speaker 4: like that of like what you worked on. 286 00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:59,800 Speaker 2: Yes, honestly, it's one of the most common things that 287 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:03,320 Speaker 2: we do in therapy. And so I'm thinking about, you know, 288 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:06,960 Speaker 2: clients that I've seen recently, where I mean, part of 289 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:09,240 Speaker 2: the work we do is unpack, firstly, what is your 290 00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:11,520 Speaker 2: inner critics saying to you, so we can identify what 291 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:13,560 Speaker 2: type of inner critic have you got? What is the 292 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:16,560 Speaker 2: inner critic saying? And so I'm thinking of someone I 293 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,920 Speaker 2: worked with who was in sort of corporate sort of space, 294 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:23,200 Speaker 2: and they were really great at their job, but they 295 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:25,960 Speaker 2: worked excessively long hours. They would come home at the 296 00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:28,320 Speaker 2: end of the night and still tell themselves, I haven't 297 00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:30,480 Speaker 2: done enough. I'm not going to get that promotion. I'm 298 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:33,080 Speaker 2: doing a terrible job. Other people are doing better than me. 299 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:36,640 Speaker 2: Why am I not able to achieve the things I want? 300 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:38,640 Speaker 2: Why don't I have enough energy? Why can't I seem 301 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:42,880 Speaker 2: to do all these things? Right? Just really really harsh, demanding, 302 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:46,960 Speaker 2: but flavors of punitive as well, right, And so it 303 00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:49,400 Speaker 2: was really about us trying to understand what's your inner 304 00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:53,000 Speaker 2: critics saying to you? And is it helpful? Like if 305 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:56,800 Speaker 2: your goal is to get that promotion at work? Is 306 00:15:56,920 --> 00:15:59,840 Speaker 2: the inner critic actually helping you get there? Or is 307 00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:03,440 Speaker 2: it making you feel exhausted and terrible about yourself so 308 00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:05,640 Speaker 2: that when you go home, you can't sleep, you don't 309 00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:09,400 Speaker 2: eat much, you know, perpetuate the cycle of exhaustion, and 310 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:12,240 Speaker 2: then you probably don't get the promotion that you're after. Like, 311 00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:16,040 Speaker 2: is it actually helping you get where it wants you 312 00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:18,240 Speaker 2: to go? Because it's pushing you in a direction, But 313 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:19,440 Speaker 2: is it helping you get there? 314 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:22,440 Speaker 4: So would you say that the inner critic is the 315 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:24,560 Speaker 4: same as intrusive thoughts? 316 00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:28,440 Speaker 2: I'll answer that by explaining what intrusive thoughts are. So 317 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:34,400 Speaker 2: every single one of us has intrusive thoughts, right, intrusive thoughts. 318 00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:40,000 Speaker 2: Many of our thoughts are automatic. We don't choose them, 319 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:44,240 Speaker 2: they pop into our head. Right, So, if I'm walking 320 00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:46,680 Speaker 2: down past the road and I see a cafe with 321 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:49,240 Speaker 2: some donuts, my brain will be like, ooh, yom donuts. 322 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:52,200 Speaker 2: I didn't choose to think that, My brain just thought it, right, 323 00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:56,600 Speaker 2: So it's an automatic thought. A lot of our thoughts 324 00:16:56,680 --> 00:17:00,400 Speaker 2: are automatic. We don't have control over their initial kind 325 00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:03,120 Speaker 2: of being, but we can choose what we then do 326 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:06,359 Speaker 2: with them, right, So, we all have automatic thoughts. We 327 00:17:06,399 --> 00:17:12,959 Speaker 2: all have intrusive thoughts. Okay, so intrusive thoughts are and 328 00:17:13,879 --> 00:17:16,240 Speaker 2: listen out at home, because I'm sure everyone will have 329 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:19,800 Speaker 2: had them. Intrusive thoughts are these thoughts where we're walking 330 00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:24,800 Speaker 2: down the street and something really weird and random pops 331 00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:28,200 Speaker 2: into our head and we go, oh my god, what 332 00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:30,680 Speaker 2: the hell where did that just come from? So, for example, 333 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:34,040 Speaker 2: I'm walking down the street and I go, what if 334 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:36,000 Speaker 2: I just stepped out on the road in front of 335 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:39,280 Speaker 2: all this traffic? And I'm like, what on earth? Why 336 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:41,200 Speaker 2: did I think that? For I don't want to step 337 00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,400 Speaker 2: out into the road in front of all the traffic. Thanks, 338 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:46,000 Speaker 2: I'm happy. You walk into work. Or we walk to 339 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,240 Speaker 2: the edge of the cliff and we go, what if 340 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,760 Speaker 2: I just jumped off this cliff. Or we're in the 341 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:53,040 Speaker 2: kitchen and there's a knife and we go, what if 342 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:55,840 Speaker 2: I just picked up this knife and stabbed my hand. Now, 343 00:17:56,359 --> 00:18:00,760 Speaker 2: intrusive thoughts, we all have them, right, so most of 344 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:04,680 Speaker 2: us will go, whoa, what was that? That was strange? 345 00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:08,320 Speaker 2: Put that aside and carry on, right, So I want 346 00:18:08,359 --> 00:18:13,280 Speaker 2: to normalize intrusive thought happen to everyone. For some of us, 347 00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:15,520 Speaker 2: and this is where this is actually more kind of 348 00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:18,960 Speaker 2: into the realm of things like OCD. Some of us 349 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:23,280 Speaker 2: will notice that intrusive thought and go, oh, my goodness, 350 00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:26,679 Speaker 2: why did I think that? Maybe there's something in me 351 00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:29,880 Speaker 2: that wants to do that or that wishes that to happen, 352 00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:32,040 Speaker 2: Because we can have intrusive thoughts about other people, right, 353 00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:33,879 Speaker 2: what if my mum's driving home from work and she 354 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,720 Speaker 2: gets hit by a car. So they're all these kind 355 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:39,520 Speaker 2: of they usually got this like harm element to them, 356 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,880 Speaker 2: and they're quite confronting for us to think, but they're 357 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:46,760 Speaker 2: often not congruent with how we feel or what we 358 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:49,600 Speaker 2: actually want in life. So it's important for us to 359 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:52,159 Speaker 2: be able to notice them and be like, well, no, no, 360 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:55,160 Speaker 2: thank you, put that out of head. Keep going now 361 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:59,600 Speaker 2: in the context of the inner critic, the inner critic 362 00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:03,480 Speaker 2: can be automatic, so those thoughts can automatically come in 363 00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:05,720 Speaker 2: where the inner critic goes, god, you did a shit 364 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,400 Speaker 2: job at that, right. So we don't have too much 365 00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:11,680 Speaker 2: control over that initial thought, but we can choose whether 366 00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:14,600 Speaker 2: we then give it more weight and we think about 367 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:16,639 Speaker 2: it more and more, or we put it to the side. 368 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:20,159 Speaker 4: So is it kind of like do we act the 369 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:23,119 Speaker 4: same way like how we respond to intrusive thoughts or 370 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:25,480 Speaker 4: intrusive thoughts, it's more of like, okay, put that away 371 00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:27,960 Speaker 4: in a critic do you feel like you need to 372 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,680 Speaker 4: work with it? More like I'm trying to figure out 373 00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:30,320 Speaker 4: the difference. 374 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:36,600 Speaker 2: We want to question how much validity we give any 375 00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:39,240 Speaker 2: thought that pops in our head, whether it's the thought 376 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:41,280 Speaker 2: that says, hey, you're standing near the edge of a cliff, 377 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:43,840 Speaker 2: what if you jumped off? Or hey, you're a shit 378 00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:46,880 Speaker 2: person because you didn't say good morning to your friend, right. 379 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:50,240 Speaker 2: Any thought we have that's automatic that we don't choose. 380 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,000 Speaker 2: We want to be able to take that moment and 381 00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:55,480 Speaker 2: be like, is this true, is this helpful? Is this 382 00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:57,879 Speaker 2: something I should listen to? Is it something I should 383 00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:00,879 Speaker 2: think about more? Or is it not actually congruent with 384 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:03,120 Speaker 2: my experience of what's happening, in which case I want 385 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:04,280 Speaker 2: to try and put it to the side. 386 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:07,200 Speaker 4: It's really good that we're talking about intrusive thoughts too, 387 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:10,120 Speaker 4: because as you're talking about it, I'm like, oh, I've 388 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:13,240 Speaker 4: had intrusive thoughts, but it's just it's something that's popped up. 389 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:16,560 Speaker 4: But then you just it kind of wigs you out 390 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,520 Speaker 4: a little bit. Because it literally comes out of nowhere. 391 00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,520 Speaker 4: So it's good to know that that can be somewhat 392 00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:23,760 Speaker 4: of a normal experience that people experience it all the time. 393 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:25,640 Speaker 2: Absolutely, So, how does. 394 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,880 Speaker 4: Imposter syndrome flow into all of this? 395 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:32,200 Speaker 2: Imposter syndrome and the inner critic go hand in hand, right, 396 00:20:32,359 --> 00:20:38,480 Speaker 2: This idea of the imposter syndrome is where we doubt ourselves, 397 00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:42,639 Speaker 2: we doubt our ability, we doubt our capacity, we doubt 398 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:46,200 Speaker 2: our achievements, and we think we're not good enough. In fact, 399 00:20:46,359 --> 00:20:49,680 Speaker 2: one of the most common inner critic, deep seated beliefs 400 00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:52,560 Speaker 2: is the I'm not enough, I'm not good enough, And 401 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:55,840 Speaker 2: so imposter syndrome tells us you're not good enough for 402 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,560 Speaker 2: that job, you're not good enough in this relationship, You're 403 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:02,199 Speaker 2: not good enough in some way, shape or form. And 404 00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:05,359 Speaker 2: what this can result in is compensating for that. So 405 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:08,600 Speaker 2: maybe if we think we're not good enough or we 406 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:11,800 Speaker 2: doubt ourselves, we don't apply for that job, or we 407 00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:14,040 Speaker 2: don't apply for the promotion, or we don't go on 408 00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:18,480 Speaker 2: that first date. Right, So we might avoid situations that 409 00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:21,920 Speaker 2: bring up and trigger up the self doubt, the imposter syndrome, 410 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,480 Speaker 2: and the inner critic, or we might do the opposite. 411 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:28,040 Speaker 2: We might overcompensate. We might make sure that when we 412 00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:30,240 Speaker 2: go on that first date, we put tons of makeup 413 00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:32,440 Speaker 2: on and we've got our hair professionally done, and we're 414 00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:35,120 Speaker 2: wearing our best outfit, and we have, you know, prepared 415 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:37,320 Speaker 2: ten questions that we're gonna ask the person that we're 416 00:21:37,359 --> 00:21:39,720 Speaker 2: on a date with. Right, we might overcompensate. We might 417 00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:43,440 Speaker 2: overwork in the workplace to try and get that promotion. 418 00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:48,399 Speaker 2: So the experience of imposter syndrome and self doubt and 419 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:51,679 Speaker 2: the inner critic can play out differently for different people. 420 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:55,560 Speaker 4: It sounds like there really is different flavors of imposter syndrome. 421 00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:58,920 Speaker 4: And it's funny when you were talking about imposter syndrome 422 00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:02,080 Speaker 4: being like holding hands with inner critic, I literally got 423 00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:04,440 Speaker 4: a visual of that being like, oh wow, they really 424 00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:07,840 Speaker 4: are friends. Like they are friends because the inner critics 425 00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:10,880 Speaker 4: like you're bad, and then imposter syndrome's like you're bad 426 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:14,080 Speaker 4: because of you know that job or the way that 427 00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:17,240 Speaker 4: you said that thing. It's like they are this kind 428 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:18,119 Speaker 4: of team. 429 00:22:18,359 --> 00:22:21,800 Speaker 2: Yes, yes, And I think as well. The reason I 430 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:24,200 Speaker 2: like this conversation is because we're getting into the nuance 431 00:22:24,359 --> 00:22:27,760 Speaker 2: of the inner critic. And I imagine that many people 432 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:31,440 Speaker 2: listening may have heard about the inner critic or imposter 433 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:35,120 Speaker 2: syndrome or self criticism at some point, and the automatic 434 00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:39,480 Speaker 2: advice is to be less critical, be less hard on yourself, 435 00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:43,000 Speaker 2: love yourself more. It's kind of a very blanket approach. 436 00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:46,200 Speaker 2: But actually there's so many ways in which we can 437 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:49,320 Speaker 2: experience the inner critic, and then so many different things 438 00:22:49,359 --> 00:22:52,399 Speaker 2: we do as a result of the inner critic that 439 00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:54,960 Speaker 2: we really want to approach this topic with some nuance 440 00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:58,399 Speaker 2: so that we can have the best outcomes. Love that. 441 00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:02,440 Speaker 4: So with this theme around negative self talk, it's interesting 442 00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:05,000 Speaker 4: because I find, you know, after working with lots of 443 00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:08,600 Speaker 4: teenage girls, body image is one of the common issues 444 00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:10,879 Speaker 4: that we see when it comes to in a critic. 445 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:12,400 Speaker 1: What are your thoughts on that? 446 00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:16,439 Speaker 2: My thoughts is, man, I've been a psychologist for what 447 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:20,440 Speaker 2: ten years, and I have a PhD. And I sometimes 448 00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:23,400 Speaker 2: struggle with this, right like, our society and our culture 449 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:27,400 Speaker 2: infiltrates these messages about body image, and so I think 450 00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:29,480 Speaker 2: for so many of us as adults, we would struggle 451 00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:32,560 Speaker 2: with it. How can we expect kids and teens not 452 00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:36,159 Speaker 2: to be impacted by the constant messaging that we receive 453 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:40,480 Speaker 2: around what is or isn't the ideal body. 454 00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:43,879 Speaker 4: And I think as well, as much as it is 455 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,800 Speaker 4: hard with society and what we see on social media, 456 00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:49,680 Speaker 4: we are starting to make change. You know, we are 457 00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:53,119 Speaker 4: celebrating more body diversity. We're seeing it more, which I 458 00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:54,680 Speaker 4: think is something to celebrate too. 459 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:59,439 Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely, absolutely, we've made moves in the right direction. 460 00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:01,560 Speaker 2: We still have a lot of work to do, do 461 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:03,840 Speaker 2: a lot of work and it's not just young women, 462 00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:07,919 Speaker 2: young men as well impacted by the stereotype of what 463 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:11,880 Speaker 2: the ideal body is. So I think, yeah, if we've 464 00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:13,040 Speaker 2: got a lot of work still to. 465 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:17,399 Speaker 4: Do after this shop break, doctor Anastasia is going to 466 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:20,119 Speaker 4: teach us exactly how to work with that inner critic 467 00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:25,480 Speaker 4: rather than allowing it to take over. Stay with us, Anathasia. 468 00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:28,400 Speaker 4: I already feel so much better knowing that we all 469 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:32,640 Speaker 4: have an inner critic, not alone, not alone, So how 470 00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:34,480 Speaker 4: do we exactly work with it? 471 00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:40,159 Speaker 2: Okay, I'm going to talk us through four different strategies 472 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,960 Speaker 2: today as to how to work with the inner critic, 473 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:46,600 Speaker 2: but they're all going to be grounded in this concept 474 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:51,919 Speaker 2: of self compassion. Now, what is self compassion? Let's just 475 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:55,520 Speaker 2: talk about that for one minute. Self compassion is different 476 00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:58,480 Speaker 2: to self esteem. Right, often, when people hear oh I 477 00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:01,280 Speaker 2: feel bad about myself, I need to build my self 478 00:25:01,359 --> 00:25:05,080 Speaker 2: esteem is the automatic reaction, I say, Let's build self 479 00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:12,240 Speaker 2: compassion instead. Self esteem is dependent on how good I am. 480 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:15,840 Speaker 2: It requires me to find things about myself or my 481 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:19,800 Speaker 2: life that I feel good about. I got a really 482 00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:22,159 Speaker 2: good mark on that assessment, I got that job that 483 00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:24,840 Speaker 2: I went for. I've got a close circle of five 484 00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:27,439 Speaker 2: friends that I feel really good about. Right, it requires 485 00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:30,360 Speaker 2: me to identify things to make me feel good. That's 486 00:25:30,359 --> 00:25:33,399 Speaker 2: what self esteem is all about. Self compassion is different. 487 00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:39,400 Speaker 2: Self compassion says we are all human, we are all flawed, 488 00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:44,560 Speaker 2: we all make mistakes, and we all struggle, and that 489 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:48,240 Speaker 2: is what being human is. So instead of trying to 490 00:25:48,359 --> 00:25:53,080 Speaker 2: constantly be perfect and strive for the ideal version of 491 00:25:53,120 --> 00:25:55,840 Speaker 2: ourselves where we don't make mistakes and we don't stuff up, 492 00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:59,880 Speaker 2: let's work to instead accept the fact the stuff ups 493 00:25:59,920 --> 00:26:03,520 Speaker 2: will happen, the mistakes will happen, the ugly moments in 494 00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:05,640 Speaker 2: life will happen that we wish we could go back 495 00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:09,480 Speaker 2: and redo. But instead of beating ourselves up about those moments, 496 00:26:09,560 --> 00:26:15,879 Speaker 2: can we instead meet ourselves with kindness and compassion. So 497 00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:18,760 Speaker 2: what we know from the research is that people who 498 00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:24,280 Speaker 2: are compassionate towards themselves generally feel more kind of satisfied 499 00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:28,760 Speaker 2: and optimistic about their life. They're generally able to forgive 500 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:33,560 Speaker 2: themselves more easily, they have a strong sense of self 501 00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:37,800 Speaker 2: worth and identity, and they can focus more on kind 502 00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:41,639 Speaker 2: of the learning and the personal growth rather than getting 503 00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:45,080 Speaker 2: stuck down in the negative feelings attached to the inner critic. 504 00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:47,080 Speaker 2: This is really good. 505 00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:49,880 Speaker 4: You're laying it out like this, because if we did 506 00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:52,640 Speaker 4: take self compassion out, it's just self esteem, but it's 507 00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:55,919 Speaker 4: still performative based, like it's still based on external So 508 00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:58,119 Speaker 4: I like that we're coming back to a foundation of 509 00:26:58,120 --> 00:26:58,960 Speaker 4: self compassion. 510 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:04,600 Speaker 2: Yes, perfect. So four different strategies. First one is reframe, 511 00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:09,040 Speaker 2: and reframe through the lens of self compassion. So if 512 00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:11,679 Speaker 2: you find that you're a critic is giving you a 513 00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:14,240 Speaker 2: hard time and it's talking to you in a really 514 00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:18,679 Speaker 2: mean way, reflect on the fact that you are human, 515 00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:23,440 Speaker 2: you are imperfect. Anyone hearing this right now feeling triggered, 516 00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:26,040 Speaker 2: You've got some inner work to do. My friends, you 517 00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:30,919 Speaker 2: are all imperfect. We are all imperfect. We have to 518 00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:34,919 Speaker 2: learn to accept that fact, right, rather than fight against it, 519 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:37,000 Speaker 2: because we will forever be trying to fight against it 520 00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:41,640 Speaker 2: if we can't accept it. So reframe your self criticism, 521 00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,480 Speaker 2: to be kind to yourself, to be able to tell yourself, 522 00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:49,760 Speaker 2: I'm struggling right now, and that's okay. Everyone has bad moments. 523 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:54,520 Speaker 2: Everyone has the moments they're not proud of. Everyone struggles sometimes, 524 00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:57,840 Speaker 2: It's part of being human. I'm not the only person 525 00:27:57,960 --> 00:28:01,080 Speaker 2: to have ever felt this experience. I'm not the only 526 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:03,840 Speaker 2: person to have ever struggled. I'm not the only person 527 00:28:04,120 --> 00:28:07,200 Speaker 2: to have ever failed at something. This is a shared 528 00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:11,480 Speaker 2: human experience. No one gets it right the time. That's 529 00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:14,080 Speaker 2: not to say that I can't try and do better 530 00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:18,159 Speaker 2: next time or try and improve myself. But in this moment, 531 00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:23,080 Speaker 2: I'm going to give myself compassion and kindness and acceptance 532 00:28:23,880 --> 00:28:26,159 Speaker 2: that I'm just a real human being in the world. 533 00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:29,080 Speaker 4: And I can imagine, like, even with this first step, 534 00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:32,600 Speaker 4: like that would take time, right because we're changing patterning 535 00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:35,280 Speaker 4: and how we've been talking to ourself for I don't know, 536 00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:37,040 Speaker 4: twenty thirty forty years. 537 00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:40,920 Speaker 2: Right, Absolutely, it takes time. If we're you still launching 538 00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:44,960 Speaker 2: in automatically with the harshness and the self criticism, stepping 539 00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:48,000 Speaker 2: back and going, you know what, I'm gonna just be 540 00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:53,120 Speaker 2: kind and accepting towards myself right now. That takes time. Absolutely. 541 00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:56,280 Speaker 4: It's like we're building our own self trust as well 542 00:28:56,320 --> 00:28:59,440 Speaker 4: in that because for so long we've been speaking another language, 543 00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:01,440 Speaker 4: and all of a sudden, you're speaking a new language. 544 00:29:01,080 --> 00:29:03,400 Speaker 1: And we're like, wait, what, yes, might being so nice 545 00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:03,600 Speaker 1: to me? 546 00:29:03,960 --> 00:29:07,040 Speaker 2: You know what I mean? Exactly? It feels different. 547 00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:10,120 Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, so that's number one. Reframe. What about number two? 548 00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:13,600 Speaker 2: Okay. Another strategy you can try if you find yourself 549 00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:17,600 Speaker 2: bogged down in the inner critic is ask yourself the question, 550 00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:22,240 Speaker 2: how would I speak to a friend in this situation. 551 00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:25,920 Speaker 2: If it was my friend who came and told me 552 00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:30,040 Speaker 2: that she was really disappointed in herself because she applied 553 00:29:30,040 --> 00:29:31,680 Speaker 2: for a job and she didn't get it and she 554 00:29:31,760 --> 00:29:34,280 Speaker 2: was really hoping she did, and she just felt crap 555 00:29:34,320 --> 00:29:36,760 Speaker 2: about herself and like she wasn't good enough. Would I 556 00:29:36,800 --> 00:29:39,560 Speaker 2: sit there and go, oh, yeah, you know what, does 557 00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:41,840 Speaker 2: sound like you're a bit crap. Actually maybe you just 558 00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:44,120 Speaker 2: weren't good enough for the job. Right. No, we wouldn't 559 00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:46,880 Speaker 2: say that to someone else. We would meet them with kindness, 560 00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:49,960 Speaker 2: and compassion. We would try to be non judgmental about 561 00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:53,960 Speaker 2: the situation, but often what we say to ourselves is 562 00:29:54,120 --> 00:29:57,880 Speaker 2: so much meaner than what we would say to other people. 563 00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:01,040 Speaker 2: So if you're struggling with your inner critic being really 564 00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:05,000 Speaker 2: loud and really tough on you, ask yourself the question, 565 00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:07,440 Speaker 2: what would I say to someone else in the same 566 00:30:07,560 --> 00:30:08,440 Speaker 2: situation as me? 567 00:30:09,320 --> 00:30:12,160 Speaker 4: I feel like I've loved that because us having a 568 00:30:12,160 --> 00:30:16,360 Speaker 4: different perspective really can shift it. Because you know, if 569 00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:20,000 Speaker 4: a friend was to say, oh, like, you're a crap person. 570 00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:21,959 Speaker 1: Like, we wouldn't be friends with them anymore. 571 00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:24,880 Speaker 4: But the reality is we're stuck with ourselves for the 572 00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:27,640 Speaker 4: rest of our lives. Yes, and we should be empowered 573 00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:28,960 Speaker 4: by that, right, Yes. 574 00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:33,520 Speaker 2: Absolutely, absolutely, we want to give ourselves doses of reality. Sure, 575 00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:35,840 Speaker 2: but we don't want to be excessively mean and harsh. 576 00:30:36,120 --> 00:30:38,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, everything in moderation. Balance, as you. 577 00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:39,840 Speaker 2: Say, balance is key. 578 00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:42,760 Speaker 4: Yes, Okay, So now how about number three? 579 00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:45,760 Speaker 2: Okay, this leads us nicely onto the third one. If 580 00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:48,080 Speaker 2: you've tried the reframe and you've tried to think about 581 00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:51,080 Speaker 2: what you tell a friend and it's not working, I 582 00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:56,480 Speaker 2: want you to name your inner critic. Now you mentioned 583 00:30:56,560 --> 00:30:57,520 Speaker 2: good old Luke. 584 00:30:57,400 --> 00:31:00,560 Speaker 1: Luke, we go way back, Luke Luke. 585 00:31:01,480 --> 00:31:06,800 Speaker 2: I'd call my inner critic, Frank. Why they're men. Something 586 00:31:06,840 --> 00:31:07,800 Speaker 2: will unpack another time. 587 00:31:08,720 --> 00:31:10,800 Speaker 1: That's another episode. 588 00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:16,440 Speaker 2: But name the inner critic. Now, why do we do this? Okay? 589 00:31:16,680 --> 00:31:22,320 Speaker 2: Our sense of self is built up in parts. Okay, 590 00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:27,760 Speaker 2: we have the part of us that is the confident 591 00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:31,920 Speaker 2: self that rocks up and goes to work and can 592 00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:34,440 Speaker 2: connect with other people. We have a really confident part 593 00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:37,520 Speaker 2: of ourself. We have the feelings part to ourself, the 594 00:31:37,560 --> 00:31:41,000 Speaker 2: part that feels vulnerable, the part that feels lonely sometimes, 595 00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:44,640 Speaker 2: the part that feels self conscious. We have a part 596 00:31:44,680 --> 00:31:49,240 Speaker 2: of ourselves that might be the part that can detach 597 00:31:49,280 --> 00:31:51,760 Speaker 2: from things. Right, we have all these different parts. We 598 00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:53,640 Speaker 2: can have all sorts of parts, but we all have 599 00:31:53,760 --> 00:31:57,719 Speaker 2: this part of us that is the inner critic. Now, 600 00:31:57,760 --> 00:31:59,680 Speaker 2: when the inner critic comes to the forefront and it 601 00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:04,560 Speaker 2: speaks to us, it's like we are consumed by that experience. Right, 602 00:32:04,600 --> 00:32:09,760 Speaker 2: we don't necessarily identify it as simply one part of 603 00:32:09,840 --> 00:32:13,120 Speaker 2: who we are. So by naming the inner critic, what 604 00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:16,480 Speaker 2: we're essentially doing is providing a little bit of separation 605 00:32:17,440 --> 00:32:21,560 Speaker 2: from me to the inner critic. It's there. Yep. I'm 606 00:32:21,560 --> 00:32:23,320 Speaker 2: not trying to get rid of it completely. I'm just 607 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:27,200 Speaker 2: identifying it as one part of my internal experience. But 608 00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:30,800 Speaker 2: it's not all of my experience. Not everything it says 609 00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:33,080 Speaker 2: is true and I have to believe it right, It's 610 00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:36,360 Speaker 2: just one part. So naming the inner critic can be 611 00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:40,200 Speaker 2: helpful to give us that space and distance from it. Yeah. 612 00:32:40,240 --> 00:32:43,760 Speaker 4: I feel like with my relationship with Luke, it's very layered. 613 00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:47,200 Speaker 4: But you know, I've learned to love Luke as well. 614 00:32:47,480 --> 00:32:50,640 Speaker 4: I mean I go through different seasons, like definitely there's times. 615 00:32:50,400 --> 00:32:51,040 Speaker 1: Where I get. 616 00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:53,440 Speaker 4: Scared of Luke or like I love Luke, or I 617 00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:55,720 Speaker 4: don't want to listen to Luke. Like it really does change. 618 00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:59,200 Speaker 2: Yes, I love Luke and look listeners out there if 619 00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:01,960 Speaker 2: you're struggling to come up with a name for your 620 00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:04,560 Speaker 2: inner critic. While I was having my coffee this morning, 621 00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:06,520 Speaker 2: I did a little bit of a quick AI and 622 00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:09,200 Speaker 2: I asked, AI, can you like give me some example 623 00:33:09,280 --> 00:33:11,080 Speaker 2: names for what we might be able to call out 624 00:33:11,080 --> 00:33:12,560 Speaker 2: in a critic? And I've got to share these with you. 625 00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:13,880 Speaker 2: Some of them are kind of funny. 626 00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:16,240 Speaker 1: Okay, into the conversation. 627 00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:18,760 Speaker 2: This is great. So we got Luke, we've got Frank 628 00:33:18,840 --> 00:33:22,400 Speaker 2: mins Frank. But here's what AI gave us, Captain Nitpick. 629 00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:26,640 Speaker 2: What imagine next time your in a critic comes up, 630 00:33:26,640 --> 00:33:30,800 Speaker 2: you're like, oh, there's Captain Nitpick. Okay, another one. I 631 00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:35,720 Speaker 2: like this one. Grumble gas alliteration, grumble gas is in 632 00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:42,680 Speaker 2: the house. Yep, mister sassy pants. The judge mcjudgson, Oh 633 00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:47,760 Speaker 2: my god, negative ned or negative Nancy right, whiney wonder 634 00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:52,959 Speaker 2: Now these are laughable, right. But I also think that 635 00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:57,200 Speaker 2: bringing humor into this conversation is helpful because next time 636 00:33:57,200 --> 00:33:59,960 Speaker 2: you're in, a critic comes up and it says, mayor, 637 00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:02,120 Speaker 2: mayor mayor, what a terrible person you were. You didn't 638 00:34:02,120 --> 00:34:04,120 Speaker 2: text your friend because you forgot it was their birthday, 639 00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:07,360 Speaker 2: and you go, oh, there's Judge mcjudgson again, give me 640 00:34:07,400 --> 00:34:10,719 Speaker 2: a hard time. It provides that distance and that space 641 00:34:10,799 --> 00:34:13,840 Speaker 2: and that lightness to otherwise would have been a moment 642 00:34:13,880 --> 00:34:15,279 Speaker 2: that we get super bogged down in. 643 00:34:15,839 --> 00:34:16,120 Speaker 4: Yeah. 644 00:34:16,160 --> 00:34:19,319 Speaker 1: I definitely feel like joy can really lift lift it 645 00:34:19,359 --> 00:34:20,000 Speaker 1: all up again. 646 00:34:20,200 --> 00:34:22,479 Speaker 2: Yeah, bit of space and distance between that mean part 647 00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:22,839 Speaker 2: of us. 648 00:34:23,120 --> 00:34:23,959 Speaker 1: Yeah, I love that. 649 00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:31,679 Speaker 2: The fourth thing I'd recommend people try is a compassionate letter, right, 650 00:34:32,239 --> 00:34:36,399 Speaker 2: we're going to write a letter to ourselves that is 651 00:34:36,600 --> 00:34:39,799 Speaker 2: kind and compassionate. Now, I recommend if people want to 652 00:34:39,839 --> 00:34:42,200 Speaker 2: give this a go, you do it when you're not 653 00:34:42,239 --> 00:34:44,160 Speaker 2: in the thick of the inner critic. Right if you 654 00:34:44,239 --> 00:34:46,919 Speaker 2: feel like you're having a calm evening, you're feeling like 655 00:34:46,959 --> 00:34:50,319 Speaker 2: you're in a good place, like you connected with yourself, 656 00:34:51,279 --> 00:34:54,879 Speaker 2: sit down and try to write yourself a letter and 657 00:34:55,080 --> 00:34:59,279 Speaker 2: channel the part of you that is kind, that is forgiving, 658 00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:04,039 Speaker 2: that is accepting, that has some wisdom, but that's ultimately 659 00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:08,520 Speaker 2: empathetic and compassionate, the part of you that can acknowledge 660 00:35:08,879 --> 00:35:12,239 Speaker 2: that imperfection is part of the human experience. And what 661 00:35:12,319 --> 00:35:15,239 Speaker 2: I want you to do is write a letter to 662 00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:20,600 Speaker 2: yourself giving yourself kindness and love and forgiveness and compassion. 663 00:35:21,279 --> 00:35:25,480 Speaker 2: So literally, dear whatever your name is, and then write 664 00:35:25,479 --> 00:35:28,919 Speaker 2: what comes to mind. Don't be too structured, don't be 665 00:35:28,959 --> 00:35:33,640 Speaker 2: too formal. Doesn't matter about accuracies. This is a letter 666 00:35:33,680 --> 00:35:37,039 Speaker 2: that's designed to channel an emotion. It's meant to be 667 00:35:37,080 --> 00:35:40,440 Speaker 2: in emotive experience. Many times when I get my clients 668 00:35:40,479 --> 00:35:42,759 Speaker 2: to do this, they will say that while they wrote it, 669 00:35:42,959 --> 00:35:46,920 Speaker 2: they actually cried. They felt something, and that's what we want, 670 00:35:47,160 --> 00:35:50,839 Speaker 2: we want to change that internal emotional experience from being 671 00:35:50,839 --> 00:35:54,759 Speaker 2: one of harshness to one of compassion. So if you 672 00:35:54,799 --> 00:35:59,079 Speaker 2: write this letter, see how you feel as you write it, 673 00:35:59,719 --> 00:36:02,719 Speaker 2: and then if you feel brave enough and if you've 674 00:36:02,719 --> 00:36:05,039 Speaker 2: got someone in your life you can share it with, 675 00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:09,759 Speaker 2: I would encourage you find a close, safe friend and 676 00:36:09,839 --> 00:36:13,719 Speaker 2: actually read it out loud to them. The experience of 677 00:36:13,839 --> 00:36:18,560 Speaker 2: saying this out loud in front of someone else gives 678 00:36:18,560 --> 00:36:21,239 Speaker 2: it this other layer of emotion that we can tap into. 679 00:36:21,479 --> 00:36:23,879 Speaker 2: So again, when I do this with my clients, I 680 00:36:23,959 --> 00:36:26,479 Speaker 2: encourage them to go away and write it as homework 681 00:36:26,799 --> 00:36:29,639 Speaker 2: and then bring it back into the therapy room and 682 00:36:29,719 --> 00:36:32,319 Speaker 2: read it out loud to me and sometimes we're both 683 00:36:32,319 --> 00:36:34,839 Speaker 2: in tears. I'm not gonna lie, right. It's quite an 684 00:36:34,879 --> 00:36:38,040 Speaker 2: emotional experience, particularly for people who have just been stuck 685 00:36:38,040 --> 00:36:41,519 Speaker 2: in that harshness and that self criticism for so long. 686 00:36:41,839 --> 00:36:44,160 Speaker 2: So if you feel brave, give the letter writing a go. 687 00:36:44,919 --> 00:36:47,160 Speaker 4: Oh. I love that, and I really love that as 688 00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:49,239 Speaker 4: an activity. I get my clients to do that too, 689 00:36:49,319 --> 00:36:51,600 Speaker 4: And it is so profound because I feel like so 690 00:36:51,759 --> 00:36:54,439 Speaker 4: much gets stuck inside of us, and I feel like 691 00:36:54,520 --> 00:36:57,759 Speaker 4: even when I did workshops of teenage girls. They would 692 00:36:57,759 --> 00:37:00,839 Speaker 4: be writing till the cows come home, like they're writing pages, 693 00:37:00,879 --> 00:37:02,799 Speaker 4: because there's so much that comes out when we're just 694 00:37:02,839 --> 00:37:06,560 Speaker 4: in a space of just stillness. So if we follow 695 00:37:06,839 --> 00:37:10,239 Speaker 4: all of these techniques that you've given us, what happened, 696 00:37:10,239 --> 00:37:12,119 Speaker 4: It's like, what are the actual benefits from it? 697 00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:16,200 Speaker 2: The benefit is that overall we build that muscle of 698 00:37:16,239 --> 00:37:19,600 Speaker 2: self compassion. And what we know is that having a 699 00:37:19,839 --> 00:37:25,599 Speaker 2: strong capacity for self compassion means that we're more resilience 700 00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:30,200 Speaker 2: against potentially developing depression. We have greater sense of self worth, 701 00:37:30,759 --> 00:37:34,959 Speaker 2: we have quite a stable sense of identity. We can 702 00:37:35,040 --> 00:37:38,200 Speaker 2: be more appreciative and kind to ourselves in relation to 703 00:37:38,239 --> 00:37:40,559 Speaker 2: body image like we were talking about before, more sort 704 00:37:40,600 --> 00:37:45,319 Speaker 2: of accepting and satisfied with our bodies. We also develop 705 00:37:45,959 --> 00:37:50,120 Speaker 2: higher levels of emotional intelligence, so that capacity for me 706 00:37:50,239 --> 00:37:53,680 Speaker 2: to be able to know what my emotions are telling me, 707 00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:57,360 Speaker 2: but also work with other people's emotional states as well. 708 00:37:57,959 --> 00:38:00,719 Speaker 2: Building self compassion helps us be more resilient when we're 709 00:38:00,719 --> 00:38:05,599 Speaker 2: faced with life's hardships and challenges, and it helps us 710 00:38:05,680 --> 00:38:09,759 Speaker 2: build that sort of grit and resilience and determination for 711 00:38:09,879 --> 00:38:12,520 Speaker 2: us to be able to get through tough times in life. 712 00:38:14,520 --> 00:38:17,279 Speaker 4: After the shotbreak, You're going to meet Sam and he's 713 00:38:17,399 --> 00:38:18,640 Speaker 4: very loud in a critic. 714 00:38:18,959 --> 00:38:24,159 Speaker 1: Stay with us, Berberb Bibby. 715 00:38:24,160 --> 00:38:28,239 Speaker 2: I'm having a serious Christian Berb having a crisis. 716 00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:33,080 Speaker 4: We had so many people share their inner critic dilemmas 717 00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:36,399 Speaker 4: with us. It's such a common experience, Anastasia. 718 00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:37,360 Speaker 1: This is Sam. 719 00:38:38,080 --> 00:38:40,639 Speaker 5: I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells with how 720 00:38:40,640 --> 00:38:44,279 Speaker 5: I communicate with friends. I try and be lighthearted and funny, 721 00:38:44,560 --> 00:38:47,719 Speaker 5: but sometimes my jokes miss the mark, or worse, they 722 00:38:47,719 --> 00:38:51,399 Speaker 5: offend someone and I'm left wondering if I accidentally hurt 723 00:38:51,399 --> 00:38:54,120 Speaker 5: their feelings. At work, it's a different kind of pressure. 724 00:38:54,239 --> 00:38:57,879 Speaker 5: I'm naturally casual and conversational, but I worry that I 725 00:38:57,919 --> 00:39:02,440 Speaker 5: come across as too informal or unprofessional, especially in meetings 726 00:39:02,560 --> 00:39:05,439 Speaker 5: or over email. The hardest part is laying awake at 727 00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:09,119 Speaker 5: night replaying everything I said, cringing at things I thought 728 00:39:09,200 --> 00:39:14,359 Speaker 5: sounded stupid in a appropriate and spiraling into overthinking what 729 00:39:14,479 --> 00:39:15,799 Speaker 5: should I do to stop this? 730 00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:19,480 Speaker 2: Oh, Sam, this sounds like hard work for you, buddy. 731 00:39:20,479 --> 00:39:23,520 Speaker 1: I'm siren staying up at night thinking about it. Oh 732 00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:24,359 Speaker 1: so relatable. 733 00:39:26,319 --> 00:39:29,520 Speaker 2: So one thing Sam might want to do, and anyone 734 00:39:29,520 --> 00:39:32,239 Speaker 2: who can relate to Sam's experience is go back to 735 00:39:32,279 --> 00:39:35,479 Speaker 2: episode one and listen to us talking about getting into 736 00:39:35,479 --> 00:39:37,879 Speaker 2: worry spirals, because it feels like there's some elements of 737 00:39:37,919 --> 00:39:42,440 Speaker 2: worry coming into this experience, laying awake at night overthinking things. 738 00:39:44,200 --> 00:39:46,999 Speaker 2: The other thing I'd say is that it sounds like 739 00:39:47,040 --> 00:39:49,839 Speaker 2: you're in a critic definitely is coming to the forefront 740 00:39:49,919 --> 00:39:55,799 Speaker 2: and making you question yourself a lot. Now, if someone 741 00:39:56,160 --> 00:39:58,999 Speaker 2: walked into the therapy room and they said to me, 742 00:39:59,759 --> 00:40:01,879 Speaker 2: I think I say some weird things at work, or 743 00:40:01,919 --> 00:40:04,080 Speaker 2: I make some jokes and they don't quite land, or 744 00:40:04,120 --> 00:40:06,519 Speaker 2: maybe I made a joke and someone didn't quite like it, 745 00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:10,559 Speaker 2: or I said something weird, I would say, in the 746 00:40:10,680 --> 00:40:14,719 Speaker 2: nicest way possible, with all the love I have, so what, 747 00:40:16,120 --> 00:40:18,120 Speaker 2: And that's not meant to be judgment. I'm not like 748 00:40:18,399 --> 00:40:22,600 Speaker 2: so what? Right, it's like so what? So what feels 749 00:40:23,120 --> 00:40:26,319 Speaker 2: so bad about that? The thing is, most of the 750 00:40:26,399 --> 00:40:30,199 Speaker 2: time we think about ourselves more than anyone else thinks 751 00:40:30,200 --> 00:40:34,759 Speaker 2: about us. Right, So I would be quite skeptical as 752 00:40:34,759 --> 00:40:37,520 Speaker 2: to whether your work colleagues or your friends are going 753 00:40:37,600 --> 00:40:40,719 Speaker 2: home and thinking about you as much as you're thinking 754 00:40:40,799 --> 00:40:42,279 Speaker 2: about you in those moments. 755 00:40:42,359 --> 00:40:42,559 Speaker 4: Right. 756 00:40:42,879 --> 00:40:45,839 Speaker 2: We all say things that we think they're funny and 757 00:40:45,839 --> 00:40:49,279 Speaker 2: then turns out they're not sometimes, right, Shani and I'll 758 00:40:49,279 --> 00:40:51,640 Speaker 2: probably do that at points in this podcast, where we 759 00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:54,400 Speaker 2: make jokes that no one else thinks is funny, It'll happen. 760 00:40:54,719 --> 00:40:57,200 Speaker 2: That's part of being human. I accept that I'll make 761 00:40:57,279 --> 00:40:59,799 Speaker 2: jokes that are not funny. We make mistakes, we say 762 00:40:59,839 --> 00:41:02,559 Speaker 2: things we don't always mean right. So that's why I 763 00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:06,120 Speaker 2: bring this question of what's so bad about that? Maybe 764 00:41:06,160 --> 00:41:08,519 Speaker 2: it feels really bad when we give ourselves a hard 765 00:41:08,600 --> 00:41:12,000 Speaker 2: time about it, But in the grand scheme of life, 766 00:41:12,439 --> 00:41:16,560 Speaker 2: that one joke that didn't land is one speck in time, 767 00:41:17,319 --> 00:41:23,759 Speaker 2: and in two days, two weeks, two months, two years. 768 00:41:29,640 --> 00:41:31,680 Speaker 4: Okay, I think a lot of us will be writing 769 00:41:31,719 --> 00:41:35,479 Speaker 4: self compassion letters tonight. Ata Stagiak, we covered a lot 770 00:41:35,479 --> 00:41:37,759 Speaker 4: of ground today. Can you give us a recut? 771 00:41:38,200 --> 00:41:43,279 Speaker 2: Absolutely? First up, we all have an inner critic. It's 772 00:41:43,399 --> 00:41:47,599 Speaker 2: normal and it's natural for it to exist. Second, some 773 00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:51,399 Speaker 2: people have an inner critic that is louder and meaner 774 00:41:51,439 --> 00:41:56,200 Speaker 2: than other people's. Third, we can tame our inner critic 775 00:41:56,759 --> 00:42:01,879 Speaker 2: through self compassion. Fourth, self compassion requires us to acknowledge 776 00:42:01,879 --> 00:42:05,879 Speaker 2: that our mistakes and disappointments are all part of the 777 00:42:06,000 --> 00:42:09,879 Speaker 2: human experience. No one else is perfect and neither are we. 778 00:42:11,080 --> 00:42:15,399 Speaker 2: And lastly, self compassion can be harnessed by treating ourselves 779 00:42:15,439 --> 00:42:19,440 Speaker 2: with the same kindness and understanding that we would approach 780 00:42:19,479 --> 00:42:25,079 Speaker 2: a friend with. Now next week, we are diving into 781 00:42:25,120 --> 00:42:28,359 Speaker 2: a topic that is very close to my heart, the 782 00:42:28,520 --> 00:42:32,560 Speaker 2: biggest misconceptions and mistakes people make with therapy. 783 00:42:33,040 --> 00:42:33,840 Speaker 1: I cannot wait. 784 00:42:34,239 --> 00:42:36,199 Speaker 4: If you have a burning question, there are a few 785 00:42:36,239 --> 00:42:38,319 Speaker 4: ways to get in touch with us, blinks her in 786 00:42:38,359 --> 00:42:39,000 Speaker 4: the show notes. 787 00:42:39,680 --> 00:42:43,279 Speaker 2: And remember, while I am a psychologist, this podcast isn't 788 00:42:43,279 --> 00:42:46,360 Speaker 2: a diagnostic tool, and the advice and ideas we present 789 00:42:46,439 --> 00:42:49,879 Speaker 2: here should always take into account your personal history. The 790 00:42:49,959 --> 00:42:53,840 Speaker 2: executive producer of But Are You Happy? Is Niama Brown. 791 00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:56,239 Speaker 4: Tarlie Blackman is our senior producer. 792 00:42:56,680 --> 00:42:59,080 Speaker 2: Sound design and editing by Jacob Brown. 793 00:42:59,439 --> 00:43:01,279 Speaker 1: I'm a Shani Dante and. 794 00:43:01,319 --> 00:43:05,200 Speaker 2: I'm doctor Anastasia Heronus. The names and stories of clients 795 00:43:05,239 --> 00:43:08,999 Speaker 2: discussed have been changed for the purpose of maintaining anonymity. 796 00:43:09,560 --> 00:43:12,399 Speaker 2: If this converse brought up any difficult feelings for you, 797 00:43:12,879 --> 00:43:15,600 Speaker 2: we have links for more resources in the show notes 798 00:43:15,640 --> 00:43:18,799 Speaker 2: around the topics we discussed today. You can also reach 799 00:43:18,839 --> 00:43:22,279 Speaker 2: out to organizations like Beyond Blue or Lifeline if you're 800 00:43:22,279 --> 00:43:24,040 Speaker 2: wanting more immediate support. 801 00:43:24,600 --> 00:43:25,560 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening.