WEBVTT - Scars & Stripes

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<v Speaker 1>You're listening to a Mamma Mia podcast.

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<v Speaker 2>Mamma Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and

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<v Speaker 2>waters this podcast is recorded on. This episode deals with

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<v Speaker 2>themes of domestic violence. Listen at discretion as advised. We've

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<v Speaker 2>all heard of the Great American Dream. The phrase was

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<v Speaker 2>first coined back in 1931, depicting a new kind of

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<v Speaker 2>social order, where life should be better, richer and fuller

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<v Speaker 2>for every red-blooded individual living and working in the US

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<v Speaker 2>of A. Over time, the concept morphed to include the

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<v Speaker 2>more material, owning a home, a stable family unit and

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<v Speaker 2>financial success, and the concept travelled across the globe. even

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<v Speaker 2>as far as an island on the other side of

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<v Speaker 2>the world called Australia.

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<v Speaker 1>Mum said to me, are you sure you're happy with Tom?

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<v Speaker 1>Because if you're not, we can make it all go away.

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<v Speaker 1>You never have to go back. I said, no, Mum,

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<v Speaker 1>what are you talking about? It's the best thing that's

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<v Speaker 1>ever happened to me. I'm living in America, I'm living

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<v Speaker 1>the dream.

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<v Speaker 2>But there might be a giveaway into the reality of

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<v Speaker 2>this concept in its very title, because a dream is

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<v Speaker 2>something that only happens in your mind. The very concept

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<v Speaker 2>of a dream is not reality at all.

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<v Speaker 1>The first time I thought I was actively faking happiness,

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<v Speaker 1>like I wasn't happy. Got to a point where I

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<v Speaker 1>was so dissociated from reality, I did not know what

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<v Speaker 1>was real or not. It was just, it was awful.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm Georgia Love and this is Everyone Has an Ex.

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<v Speaker 2>Come with me as we dive into a collection of

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<v Speaker 2>unconventional stories about relationships past, through the eyes and the

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<v Speaker 2>hearts of the very people who lived them. Meet Cassie.

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<v Speaker 2>She was 27 when this part of her story began.

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<v Speaker 2>And yes, it's a story of a relationship. I mean,

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<v Speaker 2>that's what this podcast is all about. But it's not

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<v Speaker 2>the story of her first. Cassie had actually just come

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<v Speaker 2>out of a serious relationship that had lasted eight years.

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<v Speaker 2>In her own words, he was a wonderful guy, they

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<v Speaker 2>loved each other and were happy. But sadly, she ended

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<v Speaker 2>up admitting to herself what she'd probably known for the

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<v Speaker 2>better part of half of those eight years. It just

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<v Speaker 2>wasn't it.

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<v Speaker 3>It just wasn't what I wanted.

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<v Speaker 1>I kind of knew if I stayed there that my

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<v Speaker 1>life would be prescriptive and I was looking for a

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<v Speaker 1>little bit more adventure, a little bit more excitement, both

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<v Speaker 1>in my life, my career and my travel and also

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<v Speaker 1>my relationship. So living in a house with three girls

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<v Speaker 1>after that was.

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<v Speaker 3>Just, it was great.

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<v Speaker 1>There was lots of drinks, lots of girl time, lots

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<v Speaker 1>of going out. And it was probably when Tinder started

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<v Speaker 1>to boom, which was all very exciting and kind of

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<v Speaker 1>was past the time when Tinder was maybe used just

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<v Speaker 1>exclusively for hookups. And we were starting to use it

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<v Speaker 1>to find potential partners. We're all like, late 20s, all

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<v Speaker 1>getting like a little bit nervous about turning 30 and

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<v Speaker 1>thinking that 30 was when we should be married with

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<v Speaker 1>kids and what the fuck are we going to do

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<v Speaker 1>to get us from 27 to 30 and getting that

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<v Speaker 1>kind of ideal dream that we were told we needed

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<v Speaker 1>and wanted, essentially. Most either Saturday or Sunday mornings would

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<v Speaker 1>all jump into someone's bed, would get on our phones,

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<v Speaker 1>would scroll through Tinder, would talk about who we're chatting to.

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<v Speaker 1>if someone would stop chatting to us. And there was

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<v Speaker 1>this guy that I'd been chatting to called Tom, who

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<v Speaker 1>the chat had been like, it'd been quite consistent, very lovely,

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<v Speaker 1>very well written and very respectful and very forward kind

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<v Speaker 1>of thing. Like he was keen to meet me. The

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<v Speaker 1>first impressions from his profile was like.

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<v Speaker 3>He's hot. He's very good looking.

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<v Speaker 1>His bio was very well written, which back then Tinder

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<v Speaker 1>profiles often weren't.

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<v Speaker 3>So that was a big kind of difference.

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<v Speaker 1>And the messages, yeah, he was always kind of like

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<v Speaker 1>asking about me, what I was up to. It wasn't

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<v Speaker 1>just him talking about his kind of life. He did

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<v Speaker 1>mention that he'd recently moved to Australia from America and

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<v Speaker 1>was looking to set up his life here.

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<v Speaker 2>What was there to lose? Cassie said yes to a date.

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<v Speaker 1>So we'd planned this date and I said yes. And

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<v Speaker 1>it was probably like a Saturday afternoon or something. We

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<v Speaker 1>had a time and place that we were meeting at.

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<v Speaker 1>And he actually tried to reschedule because he'd had a

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<v Speaker 1>big night out the night before. And I responded to

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<v Speaker 1>his message because he was like, I'm so sorry.

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<v Speaker 3>I got home way too late. I'm a little bit hungover.

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<v Speaker 1>Could we reschedule? And I said, we can cancel, but

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<v Speaker 1>you're not rescheduling. And he's like, I'll be there. So

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<v Speaker 1>I went on the date. He walked in and it's

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<v Speaker 1>so vivid in my mind even now. He walked in

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<v Speaker 1>and he's gone, wow, this is it. I'm going to

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<v Speaker 1>marry you. I'm going to marry you. I'm telling you

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<v Speaker 1>this now.

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<v Speaker 3>Literally when he just walked in and I was.

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<v Speaker 1>Obviously like taken a little bit back, but so flattered.

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<v Speaker 1>and so reassured and felt so like wanted. We had

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<v Speaker 1>a few wines at a pub that we'd, or like

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<v Speaker 1>a bar that we'd kind of decided on. Then we

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<v Speaker 1>went across the road and got a few more, but

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<v Speaker 1>just kind of got like pleasantly pissed, I would say.

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<v Speaker 1>And he was very charming, very charismatic and like better

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<v Speaker 1>looking in person than he was in his photos and

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<v Speaker 1>was telling me all about how He used to have

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<v Speaker 1>this career back in America but he always knew that

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<v Speaker 1>his heart was in Australia because he'd come to Australia

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<v Speaker 1>on a school trip and done a bit of an

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<v Speaker 1>exchange here and he just said that he fell in

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<v Speaker 1>love with it and that this is where he knew

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<v Speaker 1>he was meant to be. So once he'd saved up

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<v Speaker 1>enough money, he left his family in America and was

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<v Speaker 1>starting a life here. I'd been on a few dates

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<v Speaker 1>before then but they were always just kind of like

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<v Speaker 1>You go on a first date, then convo would taper off,

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<v Speaker 1>someone would ghost because life happens. So that's what I

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<v Speaker 1>was kind of used to. But in this instance, it

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<v Speaker 1>was like as soon as I got home, he was like,

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<v Speaker 1>when can I see you again by message? I really

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<v Speaker 1>enjoyed getting to know you. I have to see you

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<v Speaker 1>again soon. I can't wait till next weekend.

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<v Speaker 3>It went pretty quick, to be honest.

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<v Speaker 1>I reckon it was less than three dates and then

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<v Speaker 1>we were exclusive. Then we were boyfriend and girlfriend.

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<v Speaker 3>He was great.

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<v Speaker 1>He was very considerate. He gave me a lot of

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<v Speaker 1>time and I love quality time and it was never

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<v Speaker 1>a matter of when am.

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<v Speaker 3>I going to see you.

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<v Speaker 1>I always knew that I would see him that weekend

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<v Speaker 1>and it wouldn't just be a Friday night, it would

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<v Speaker 1>be the whole weekend and we'd spend the whole time

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<v Speaker 1>together and it would be great and it would be

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<v Speaker 1>midweek dinners. He made an effort to do the things

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<v Speaker 1>that I really liked doing, going for walks, exercising. finding

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<v Speaker 1>new wine bars, going on little day trips.

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<v Speaker 2>There was also extravagance, unlike Cassie had ever known.

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<v Speaker 1>It was going out for dinners and bottles of French champagne.

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<v Speaker 3>It was come over to my place, I've got a

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<v Speaker 3>date planned.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm like, what do I wear? He's like, don't worry

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<v Speaker 1>about it, just wear whatever you're going to wear. And

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<v Speaker 1>I'd come over and I'd walk into his room. He's like,

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<v Speaker 1>the door's open, just come in. And I'd come in

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<v Speaker 1>and there would be a designer dress on the bed, shoes, bag,

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<v Speaker 1>an open bottle of French champagne in a glass there

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<v Speaker 1>so I could get ready, a fancy car to take

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<v Speaker 1>us into the city to eat at top tier restaurants.

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<v Speaker 1>I was like, this guy's incredible. He was forever complimenting me.

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<v Speaker 1>I'd mentioned that like I had been in a previous relationship.

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<v Speaker 1>It was quite monotonous towards the end. It was like routine.

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<v Speaker 1>It was like we were saving to buy a house.

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<v Speaker 1>So it was like low cost dinners. And I'd kind of,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, I missed being taken out on dates. So

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<v Speaker 1>when Tom was like, well, I'm going to take you

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<v Speaker 1>out on dates and I'm going to spoil you. I

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<v Speaker 1>was like, wow, like, yes, like. I don't expect this,

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<v Speaker 1>but like it's so lovely. It made me feel really special,

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<v Speaker 1>really loved and thought about.

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<v Speaker 3>Like he'd plan things, he'd thought through things.

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<v Speaker 1>Would have like my favourite cheese when I would come over,

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<v Speaker 1>like all these big things but little things that just

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<v Speaker 1>was like he wants to do this because he wants

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<v Speaker 1>to make sure that I feel special and loved and appreciated.

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<v Speaker 1>Ticked all the boxes and I couldn't believe it. There

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<v Speaker 1>was excitement because we were always doing something new. There

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<v Speaker 1>was always just something new to look forward to and

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<v Speaker 1>it was always a bit of an anticipation. We're going

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<v Speaker 1>on a date and he says we're going to be

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<v Speaker 1>doing this but, you know, maybe we'll be doing something

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<v Speaker 1>a little bit different. So I kind of got hooked

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<v Speaker 1>on that excitement of never knowing what was going to

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<v Speaker 1>happen but always knowing that it would exceed my expectations.

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<v Speaker 1>With my friends, he was always really good at the start.

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<v Speaker 1>They thought he was great. He always made an effort

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<v Speaker 1>when he stayed over because I was living in that

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<v Speaker 1>house with three other girls to make sure he would

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<v Speaker 1>come over and come over with bags and put them

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<v Speaker 1>in the fridge and then surprise us the next morning

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<v Speaker 1>with like a big cooked breakfast, even if we're all

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<v Speaker 1>out separately and I was just with him. He made

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<v Speaker 1>an effort to speak with them, to get to know them.

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<v Speaker 1>He wanted to get to know their partners if they

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<v Speaker 1>were dating someone. Always, I felt he was quite protective

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<v Speaker 1>of them, which I really loved. And I always felt

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<v Speaker 1>quite protected by him as well. that like if anyone

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<v Speaker 1>looked or spoke to me the wrong way, he would

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<v Speaker 1>have something to say about it.

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<v Speaker 3>And I never had that before.

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<v Speaker 1>So that felt, yeah, it felt really nice to be

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<v Speaker 1>protected and to have my friends feel protected as well.

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<v Speaker 3>It was, yeah, it was heavenly.

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<v Speaker 2>For two people aged 27, one of them less than

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<v Speaker 2>a year into starting a new life in a new country,

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<v Speaker 2>the other not long out of an eight-year serious relationship,

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<v Speaker 2>Cassie and Tom felt like two kids, young and in love.

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<v Speaker 2>So after a little longer, Cassie felt it was time

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<v Speaker 2>for the next step, bringing in the family.

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<v Speaker 1>We'd been together now, I'm going to say seven months.

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<v Speaker 1>I think it had been seven months of... consistent, positive,

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<v Speaker 1>happy times. I would like, I was messaging his mum

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<v Speaker 1>on Facebook. And so I thought, well, it's like, I

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<v Speaker 1>want you to meet my family. You're now so important

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<v Speaker 1>to me. And we are starting to talk long-term. It's

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<v Speaker 1>only been seven months, but you're from America. I'm from Australia.

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<v Speaker 1>You've got a one-year visa. So you're starting to get

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<v Speaker 1>really close to that 12-month period. Like if we're going

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<v Speaker 1>to start looking at how you're going to extend your

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<v Speaker 1>time here, that's serious. Like I'd told my family I

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<v Speaker 1>was dating someone, but I hadn't introduced him on things

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<v Speaker 1>I'm quite protective of my family because everyone was devastated

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<v Speaker 1>when I ended up with my original ex, as they would,

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<v Speaker 1>because he was part of the family, I was part

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<v Speaker 1>of his.

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<v Speaker 3>So you take those.

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<v Speaker 1>Lessons and you learn them and I'm like, oh, my

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<v Speaker 1>family hurt. I never want them to hurt ever again

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<v Speaker 1>in their life. Sorry, I will never introduce someone until

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<v Speaker 1>I know I'm sure. I was nervous. I knew that

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<v Speaker 1>I'd love him or like him, but my family is

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<v Speaker 1>the most beautiful family in the world and they're very supportive,

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<v Speaker 1>very protective, and my sister especially, very protective. So he

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<v Speaker 1>met them at a family lunch and we drove up.

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<v Speaker 1>We had a lovely lunch together and then on the ride,

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<v Speaker 1>the drive home, I remember him saying, not only asking

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<v Speaker 1>but being quite insistent on what did they say about me.

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<v Speaker 1>At first it was, did they like me? I'm like,

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<v Speaker 1>of course they liked you. He's like, what did they

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<v Speaker 1>like about me? I'm like, I don't know.

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<v Speaker 3>They were nice.

0:12:40.158 --> 0:12:41.458
<v Speaker 1>I was happy that you were happy. And he's like,

0:12:41.478 --> 0:12:43.578
<v Speaker 1>I don't know, but I need like, give me, say,

0:12:43.678 --> 0:12:47.938
<v Speaker 1>six things. Like six things they liked about me. I

0:12:47.978 --> 0:12:49.258
<v Speaker 1>remember thinking it.

0:12:49.218 --> 0:12:53.898
<v Speaker 3>Was odd that he was, Like, fair enough, you asked.

0:12:53.938 --> 0:12:55.918
<v Speaker 1>Like, did they like me? Yeah, fair.

0:12:56.378 --> 0:12:58.438
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, no, babe, they loved you. Absolutely.

0:12:59.178 --> 0:13:03.578
<v Speaker 1>But to drill into that, I remember thinking this screams

0:13:04.298 --> 0:13:07.388
<v Speaker 1>a lot of insecurity and I hadn't seen that side.

0:13:08.548 --> 0:13:11.648
<v Speaker 1>And I put it down to, I thought at the time,

0:13:11.708 --> 0:13:13.768
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, he's meeting my family. He knows how much

0:13:13.808 --> 0:13:16.208
<v Speaker 1>I love them. Of course he's going to want to

0:13:16.268 --> 0:13:18.528
<v Speaker 1>know if they have any concerns because then he can

0:13:18.568 --> 0:13:21.258
<v Speaker 1>address those concerns. He can make those concerns better, go away.

0:13:21.338 --> 0:13:23.558
<v Speaker 1>He would chat with them. He would do that for me.

0:13:24.058 --> 0:13:24.978
<v Speaker 1>That's fine.

0:13:25.538 --> 0:13:28.578
<v Speaker 2>Cassie didn't love this, but Tom was on the other

0:13:28.618 --> 0:13:31.388
<v Speaker 2>side of the world, away from his own family. She

0:13:31.418 --> 0:13:34.008
<v Speaker 2>realised how important it was for him to feel ingrained

0:13:34.028 --> 0:13:34.468
<v Speaker 2>in hers.

0:13:35.168 --> 0:13:39.138
<v Speaker 1>Then it started happening with the friends. Did they like me? Yes,

0:13:39.568 --> 0:13:40.188
<v Speaker 1>of course they liked you.

0:13:40.228 --> 0:13:40.848
<v Speaker 3>It's so fun.

0:13:41.488 --> 0:13:43.668
<v Speaker 1>What did they like about me? Give me five things.

0:13:44.148 --> 0:13:47.698
<v Speaker 1>Met some more of my long-term school friends and their partners.

0:13:48.928 --> 0:13:51.628
<v Speaker 1>And it was the same insistent questioning afterwards. Did they

0:13:51.648 --> 0:13:53.288
<v Speaker 1>like me? Yes, of course they liked you.

0:13:53.338 --> 0:13:53.928
<v Speaker 3>It's so fun.

0:13:54.598 --> 0:13:56.798
<v Speaker 1>What did they like about me? Give me five things.

0:13:58.118 --> 0:14:00.418
<v Speaker 1>And then from there it started to be a little

0:14:00.458 --> 0:14:02.258
<v Speaker 1>bit I'd be at work and it would be like,

0:14:02.298 --> 0:14:06.298
<v Speaker 1>tell me 20 things you love about me. And I'm like,

0:14:07.358 --> 0:14:10.198
<v Speaker 1>this is odd, but sure, okay. I can name 20

0:14:10.198 --> 0:14:12.598
<v Speaker 1>things I love about you because then he would do

0:14:12.658 --> 0:14:15.568
<v Speaker 1>the same. I did think at the time it was

0:14:15.608 --> 0:14:19.788
<v Speaker 1>a little different, but maybe because we were starting to

0:14:19.828 --> 0:14:23.008
<v Speaker 1>progress in our relationship, I put it down to that.

0:14:23.308 --> 0:14:26.708
<v Speaker 1>He's wanting to make sure that he's wanted, valued and

0:14:26.748 --> 0:14:28.868
<v Speaker 1>loved by those around me, just as I did to him.

0:14:29.568 --> 0:14:32.758
<v Speaker 1>And if I was in America living with his family,

0:14:32.768 --> 0:14:34.138
<v Speaker 1>I'd want to know that they liked me too.

0:14:34.178 --> 0:14:36.178
<v Speaker 3>I may have gone about it differently, but this is

0:14:36.198 --> 0:14:37.108
<v Speaker 3>just his way of doing it.

0:14:37.638 --> 0:14:39.528
<v Speaker 1>And that's fine. If You want me to tell you

0:14:39.528 --> 0:14:41.998
<v Speaker 1>20 things I love about you on Monday, Wednesday and Friday?

0:14:42.058 --> 0:14:44.298
<v Speaker 3>I can do that. That's easy.

0:14:48.778 --> 0:14:51.658
<v Speaker 2>There was another very real reason Tom could have been

0:14:51.698 --> 0:14:54.038
<v Speaker 2>feeling a bit insecure and needy at this point in

0:14:54.058 --> 0:14:57.538
<v Speaker 2>their relationship. He was about to go away without Cassie,

0:14:57.778 --> 0:15:00.828
<v Speaker 2>without anyone he knew for three months. You see, the

0:15:00.868 --> 0:15:04.148
<v Speaker 2>way some international visas work here in Australia is that

0:15:04.188 --> 0:15:06.128
<v Speaker 2>a person can stay and work for up to a

0:15:06.168 --> 0:15:08.188
<v Speaker 2>year without But if they want to stay longer, they

0:15:08.218 --> 0:15:11.198
<v Speaker 2>need to give back to the community. This usually means

0:15:11.318 --> 0:15:14.558
<v Speaker 2>farm work somewhere rural. And while Tom had always thought

0:15:14.598 --> 0:15:16.918
<v Speaker 2>he would probably want to stay longer than 12 months,

0:15:17.498 --> 0:15:20.178
<v Speaker 2>now he'd met and fallen in love with Cassie, he

0:15:20.218 --> 0:15:23.538
<v Speaker 2>knew it for sure. So off for three months he went.

0:15:24.228 --> 0:15:28.288
<v Speaker 1>The farm work was really challenging because we had gone

0:15:28.328 --> 0:15:31.248
<v Speaker 1>from spending so much time with each other to becoming like,

0:15:31.868 --> 0:15:34.878
<v Speaker 1>you know, pretty much codependent on each other. To him

0:15:34.918 --> 0:15:38.238
<v Speaker 1>now being away and not being in contact, he had

0:15:38.278 --> 0:15:40.298
<v Speaker 1>a job where he could be on his phone. And

0:15:40.318 --> 0:15:42.458
<v Speaker 1>then when he moved away, he wasn't able to be

0:15:42.638 --> 0:15:44.778
<v Speaker 1>on his phone and there was a distance and he

0:15:44.798 --> 0:15:49.378
<v Speaker 1>was living in the backpackers. And I had learnt in

0:15:49.418 --> 0:15:52.818
<v Speaker 1>that time that he was an ex-cocaine addict.

0:15:53.388 --> 0:15:55.918
<v Speaker 3>I know what farm life can be like, right?

0:15:55.968 --> 0:15:59.628
<v Speaker 1>You've got a bunch of backpackers, tourists, people trying to

0:15:59.708 --> 0:16:02.648
<v Speaker 1>extend their stay here. You've got them living in what

0:16:02.668 --> 0:16:06.748
<v Speaker 1>are effectively dorm rooms. And you've got little to entertain yourself.

0:16:07.088 --> 0:16:08.788
<v Speaker 1>So what's everyone going to do? They're going to turn

0:16:08.828 --> 0:16:13.168
<v Speaker 1>to alcohol, drugs and sex. So the three biggest concerns

0:16:13.218 --> 0:16:16.898
<v Speaker 1>that I had were now a massive reality. We kind

0:16:16.918 --> 0:16:20.338
<v Speaker 1>of got through that time with like a few issues

0:16:20.498 --> 0:16:24.498
<v Speaker 1>where maybe I couldn't get in contact with him for 24,

0:16:24.498 --> 0:16:25.118
<v Speaker 1>36 hours.

0:16:25.778 --> 0:16:26.938
<v Speaker 3>But when I.

0:16:26.938 --> 0:16:29.728
<v Speaker 1>Did, I'm so sorry, lost my phone while I was

0:16:29.778 --> 0:16:30.888
<v Speaker 1>out picking, blah, blah, blah.

0:16:31.248 --> 0:16:31.928
<v Speaker 3>Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

0:16:31.948 --> 0:16:33.488
<v Speaker 1>Like I just wanted to make sure you were safe.

0:16:34.698 --> 0:16:35.828
<v Speaker 3>Hated how, I'm.

0:16:37.648 --> 0:16:39.868
<v Speaker 1>Going to use the word obsessive I kind of became

0:16:40.108 --> 0:16:43.988
<v Speaker 1>over it through the lack of communication and my worry

0:16:44.388 --> 0:16:48.168
<v Speaker 1>for it as well. Having your partner somewhere that has

0:16:48.188 --> 0:16:52.588
<v Speaker 1>two of his biggest vices and not hearing from him

0:16:52.608 --> 0:16:57.808
<v Speaker 1>for 36 hours isn't a nice feeling. And then so

0:16:57.988 --> 0:17:01.518
<v Speaker 1>he would contact me And I would be like a

0:17:01.538 --> 0:17:04.798
<v Speaker 1>little bit distressed being like, I was worried about you. Like,

0:17:05.078 --> 0:17:07.298
<v Speaker 1>please just communicate. I don't care what you're doing. Like

0:17:07.358 --> 0:17:09.558
<v Speaker 1>send me a white heart or something. Just send me

0:17:09.578 --> 0:17:12.258
<v Speaker 1>something so I know you're okay. And he was like,

0:17:12.478 --> 0:17:16.998
<v Speaker 1>why are you so controlling of me and what I'm doing?

0:17:17.068 --> 0:17:24.108
<v Speaker 1>Don't you trust me? I trusted him. I didn't trust.

0:17:26.308 --> 0:17:31.657
<v Speaker 1>I trusted him and I felt that I Couldn't be

0:17:31.678 --> 0:17:33.258
<v Speaker 1>trusted to trust him. I felt like I was the

0:17:33.298 --> 0:17:35.598
<v Speaker 1>one overstepping the mark, that I was the one pushing

0:17:35.638 --> 0:17:38.338
<v Speaker 1>the boundaries by wanting to hear from him every 12 hours.

0:17:39.158 --> 0:17:43.458
<v Speaker 1>But that was on me because I should trust him.

0:17:44.498 --> 0:17:46.238
<v Speaker 1>But I felt that I did, but it was coming

0:17:46.278 --> 0:17:50.268
<v Speaker 1>across like I didn't. And I felt very, very bad

0:17:50.308 --> 0:17:53.668
<v Speaker 1>about that. And what was wrong with me to not

0:17:53.708 --> 0:17:56.568
<v Speaker 1>trust my boyfriend of almost a year. I believe that

0:17:56.608 --> 0:18:03.558
<v Speaker 1>was kind of the turning point. It was almost like

0:18:03.598 --> 0:18:07.518
<v Speaker 1>once I brought it up, it got worse. Conversation would

0:18:07.558 --> 0:18:11.997
<v Speaker 1>always be, why don't you trust me? What is wrong

0:18:13.098 --> 0:18:16.978
<v Speaker 1>in your mind that you don't trust? Your boyfriend, who's

0:18:16.998 --> 0:18:20.808
<v Speaker 1>spending three months of his life at a farm for you.

0:18:21.718 --> 0:18:22.418
<v Speaker 1>He's wonderful.

0:18:22.498 --> 0:18:23.048
<v Speaker 3>He's great.

0:18:23.108 --> 0:18:27.507
<v Speaker 1>He's sacrificing so much. And I can't not hear from

0:18:27.548 --> 0:18:28.927
<v Speaker 1>him for 36 hours?

0:18:30.808 --> 0:18:34.698
<v Speaker 3>Like, that's on me. That's on me.

0:18:35.898 --> 0:18:38.478
<v Speaker 1>Was he testing me? Was this a moment that I

0:18:38.518 --> 0:18:41.538
<v Speaker 1>needed to grow? Was this a me thing? Was he

0:18:41.558 --> 0:18:44.958
<v Speaker 1>trying to help me in a way to, you know,

0:18:45.298 --> 0:18:48.758
<v Speaker 1>be able to go three days without hearing from your partner?

0:18:49.398 --> 0:18:55.808
<v Speaker 1>At this point, I definitely started to notice I felt

0:18:55.848 --> 0:19:00.608
<v Speaker 1>a lot more anxious. I was kind of living on

0:19:00.668 --> 0:19:03.588
<v Speaker 1>the edge of wanting to reach out to him, to

0:19:03.648 --> 0:19:06.388
<v Speaker 1>speak to him, but not wanting to be needy. I

0:19:06.888 --> 0:19:10.407
<v Speaker 1>pulled away from social situations back home because.

0:19:09.748 --> 0:19:12.248
<v Speaker 3>I would sit home and wait to hear from him.

0:19:12.708 --> 0:19:15.148
<v Speaker 1>All I could do when I was out is look

0:19:15.188 --> 0:19:19.818
<v Speaker 1>at my phone and call and see. It's now been

0:19:19.818 --> 0:19:23.657
<v Speaker 1>24 hours. It's now been 25 hours. It's now been

0:19:23.658 --> 0:19:28.618
<v Speaker 1>26 hours. And I noticed myself turning a little bit crazy.

0:19:30.368 --> 0:19:33.398
<v Speaker 2>There was one thing Cassie would keep reminding herself. It

0:19:33.438 --> 0:19:36.217
<v Speaker 2>was only three months. And each day, whether it was

0:19:36.298 --> 0:19:38.518
<v Speaker 2>one she'd heard from him or not, that time was

0:19:38.558 --> 0:19:39.138
<v Speaker 2>ticking down.

0:19:39.918 --> 0:19:41.878
<v Speaker 1>Oh, when he came back, it was great. It was

0:19:42.058 --> 0:19:48.197
<v Speaker 1>absolutely amazing. I apologised profusely for how needy I was

0:19:48.698 --> 0:19:54.348
<v Speaker 1>and for my lack of perceived trust. Never, never vocalised

0:19:54.428 --> 0:19:57.008
<v Speaker 1>what it was that I was actually concerned about. I

0:19:57.208 --> 0:20:00.608
<v Speaker 1>didn't want to be perceived as being more crazy than

0:20:00.648 --> 0:20:05.388
<v Speaker 1>he currently thought I was. So never vocalised it, never

0:20:05.428 --> 0:20:09.148
<v Speaker 1>put it into words. Was just so happy when he

0:20:09.208 --> 0:20:11.548
<v Speaker 1>came back and that we could live together.

0:20:12.348 --> 0:20:14.568
<v Speaker 2>Oh yeah, there was that too. While Tom had done

0:20:14.588 --> 0:20:17.348
<v Speaker 2>his three months work to get another year on his visa...

0:20:17.428 --> 0:20:19.588
<v Speaker 2>That would only get him another 12 months. The way

0:20:19.608 --> 0:20:22.538
<v Speaker 2>to stay longer? A partner visa. To get that, you

0:20:22.578 --> 0:20:24.957
<v Speaker 2>have to prove to the government you're in a legitimate,

0:20:25.098 --> 0:20:28.738
<v Speaker 2>serious relationship so you could stay with your Aussie significant

0:20:28.778 --> 0:20:30.368
<v Speaker 2>other as long as you both want it.

0:20:30.388 --> 0:20:33.508
<v Speaker 3>It was more sure than ever. Our relationship had been registered.

0:20:33.528 --> 0:20:36.948
<v Speaker 1>We were already starting to prepare for going through our

0:20:36.968 --> 0:20:40.068
<v Speaker 1>de facto visa, started to document a lot more.

0:20:40.228 --> 0:20:42.248
<v Speaker 3>And you have to have this evidence for.

0:20:42.158 --> 0:20:45.338
<v Speaker 1>Our it was either two or three years, I can't remember,

0:20:45.578 --> 0:20:47.058
<v Speaker 1>but it was a significant period of time.

0:20:47.098 --> 0:20:48.338
<v Speaker 3>So it was like, well, we need to.

0:20:48.298 --> 0:20:51.578
<v Speaker 1>Start now because we've got one more year in Australia

0:20:52.378 --> 0:20:54.498
<v Speaker 1>and we need to build up as much evidence we

0:20:54.538 --> 0:20:57.778
<v Speaker 1>can in that one year and then look at our

0:20:58.518 --> 0:21:01.428
<v Speaker 1>next steps. I took control of that and started looking

0:21:01.468 --> 0:21:04.888
<v Speaker 1>at what they would look at and it was like

0:21:04.928 --> 0:21:10.088
<v Speaker 1>joint financials, joint socials, joint livelihoods and joint family interactions.

0:21:10.448 --> 0:21:15.028
<v Speaker 1>We'd started joint bank accounts and we wanted to live

0:21:15.048 --> 0:21:17.388
<v Speaker 1>with each other. I wanted to live with him. I

0:21:17.408 --> 0:21:24.118
<v Speaker 1>wanted to live this excitement, like fun-filled, extreme happiness life

0:21:24.678 --> 0:21:28.218
<v Speaker 1>that I knew we could have. So we moved in together.

0:21:28.238 --> 0:21:33.698
<v Speaker 1>It was incredible. It was the first time officially living

0:21:33.838 --> 0:21:37.088
<v Speaker 1>with a partner. So I was very excited. We had

0:21:37.108 --> 0:21:42.868
<v Speaker 1>a beautiful one-bedroom apartment. We absolutely, I loved the fact

0:21:42.928 --> 0:21:47.778
<v Speaker 1>that he was just there, that it was fun, that

0:21:47.798 --> 0:21:51.078
<v Speaker 1>we could come home, watch our TV shows, cook together,

0:21:51.098 --> 0:21:54.138
<v Speaker 1>always be in the same bed, just being like there

0:21:54.158 --> 0:21:54.958
<v Speaker 1>with each other.

0:21:54.978 --> 0:22:01.798
<v Speaker 3>It was really, really fun to start with.

0:22:02.778 --> 0:22:07.658
<v Speaker 1>Trying to pinpoint when the natural progression happened, but.

0:22:07.598 --> 0:22:08.718
<v Speaker 3>It went from.

0:22:10.368 --> 0:22:14.488
<v Speaker 1>Always being excited when he would come home to being

0:22:14.548 --> 0:22:17.288
<v Speaker 1>quite anxious when he was coming home. The first time

0:22:17.368 --> 0:22:20.248
<v Speaker 1>was he came home and we just had the one car,

0:22:20.288 --> 0:22:22.488
<v Speaker 1>we had my car. I was working quite close to

0:22:22.508 --> 0:22:25.058
<v Speaker 1>where we were living and I could use public transport

0:22:25.118 --> 0:22:28.698
<v Speaker 1>so he would have my car. And I'd, before I

0:22:28.858 --> 0:22:31.118
<v Speaker 1>met Tom, I'd been in a pretty significant car accident.

0:22:31.678 --> 0:22:36.038
<v Speaker 1>So I was very, always very conscious about safe driving.

0:22:36.738 --> 0:22:37.138
<v Speaker 3>And at.

0:22:38.618 --> 0:22:42.458
<v Speaker 1>One point he came home having driven my car and

0:22:42.518 --> 0:22:46.938
<v Speaker 1>was so intoxicated that I couldn't understand how he drove

0:22:46.958 --> 0:22:47.798
<v Speaker 1>my car home safe.

0:22:48.978 --> 0:22:50.298
<v Speaker 3>So I got mad.

0:22:51.078 --> 0:22:55.688
<v Speaker 1>I got mad and I raised my voice and I said,

0:22:55.728 --> 0:22:59.368
<v Speaker 1>what the fuck are you doing? Do not endanger yourself

0:23:00.588 --> 0:23:04.108
<v Speaker 1>and do not endanger other people on the road.

0:23:04.128 --> 0:23:08.967
<v Speaker 3>And I was quite... strong in my anger.

0:23:08.808 --> 0:23:12.728
<v Speaker 1>And disapproval because I can't tolerate that, having known what

0:23:12.778 --> 0:23:16.458
<v Speaker 1>happens when people are unsafe on the road. And that

0:23:16.518 --> 0:23:23.528
<v Speaker 1>conversation did not go down well. That conversation resulted in

0:23:24.268 --> 0:23:28.628
<v Speaker 1>him raising his voice to extremes to some physical shoving

0:23:28.648 --> 0:23:35.118
<v Speaker 1>and I... ended up pinned against the wall, kind of

0:23:35.138 --> 0:23:39.138
<v Speaker 1>put his forearm on my neck and collarbone because he

0:23:39.178 --> 0:23:42.098
<v Speaker 1>couldn't believe that I didn't trust him to drive safe.

0:23:42.738 --> 0:23:44.518
<v Speaker 1>And I could smell the beer on his breath, the

0:23:44.558 --> 0:23:47.677
<v Speaker 1>bourbon on his breath, whatever, but I was up against

0:23:47.698 --> 0:23:50.258
<v Speaker 1>the wall and I didn't know what to do. I

0:23:51.218 --> 0:23:56.628
<v Speaker 1>remember thinking this isn't okay, but fuck, he's right. There

0:23:56.688 --> 0:24:01.148
<v Speaker 1>is this constant thread of me not trusting him and

0:24:01.328 --> 0:24:04.248
<v Speaker 1>I need to do better. I'm funny about cars and

0:24:04.268 --> 0:24:06.718
<v Speaker 1>that's a me issue and if I haven't dealt with it,

0:24:06.728 --> 0:24:08.208
<v Speaker 1>then I need to deal with it because I can't

0:24:08.248 --> 0:24:09.838
<v Speaker 1>make it a him issue and I can't take it

0:24:09.918 --> 0:24:12.698
<v Speaker 1>out on him because nothing happened. He got home safe.

0:24:13.158 --> 0:24:14.957
<v Speaker 1>He got home safe. Everyone else on the road was

0:24:14.978 --> 0:24:16.638
<v Speaker 1>safe that he crossed by and the car was safe

0:24:17.298 --> 0:24:19.818
<v Speaker 1>and we're in our apartment together. What more did I want?

0:24:21.118 --> 0:24:23.978
<v Speaker 1>You should never make someone that angry. I'm not an

0:24:24.398 --> 0:24:27.417
<v Speaker 1>aggravating person. I'm a calming person. I promise I'm going

0:24:27.438 --> 0:24:29.568
<v Speaker 1>to be able to get calm situations that are stressful

0:24:29.608 --> 0:24:31.968
<v Speaker 1>and here I am with the love of my life.

0:24:31.648 --> 0:24:34.458
<v Speaker 3>Pinned against a wall. Because I've angered him.

0:24:35.258 --> 0:24:35.778
<v Speaker 1>I angered him.

0:24:36.958 --> 0:24:37.668
<v Speaker 3>That was on me.

0:24:41.548 --> 0:24:44.888
<v Speaker 1>We ended up, I was pushed against the wall. I

0:24:44.908 --> 0:24:46.708
<v Speaker 1>ended up pushing him, so he pushed me again. And

0:24:47.448 --> 0:24:49.308
<v Speaker 1>there was a lot of yelling and I did end

0:24:49.328 --> 0:24:51.388
<v Speaker 1>up going to the bathroom and just closing the door

0:24:51.428 --> 0:24:53.717
<v Speaker 1>and locking the door. Because I just did not know

0:24:53.738 --> 0:24:56.978
<v Speaker 1>what else would happen. I was scared, I was frightened

0:24:57.138 --> 0:24:58.258
<v Speaker 1>and I was sad in myself.

0:24:59.698 --> 0:25:03.167
<v Speaker 3>I thought, this isn't him. He's not, never... done anything

0:25:03.208 --> 0:25:03.588
<v Speaker 3>to this.

0:25:03.508 --> 0:25:07.108
<v Speaker 1>Extreme he had been intoxicated it's a booze thing he's

0:25:07.188 --> 0:25:11.848
<v Speaker 1>fine you're fine you haven't seen him in this angered

0:25:11.888 --> 0:25:15.108
<v Speaker 1>drunk state before the safest thing to do for our

0:25:15.128 --> 0:25:19.698
<v Speaker 1>relationship was just to remove myself from the situation knowing

0:25:19.718 --> 0:25:21.437
<v Speaker 1>that in an hour or so I could let myself

0:25:21.518 --> 0:25:24.878
<v Speaker 1>out hopefully and it would be okay and then when

0:25:24.918 --> 0:25:28.038
<v Speaker 1>I did come out he was in tears and He

0:25:28.078 --> 0:25:31.268
<v Speaker 1>was mortified. I'm so sorry. You know that's not me.

0:25:31.288 --> 0:25:34.167
<v Speaker 1>You know how much I love you. Yes, I know

0:25:34.208 --> 0:25:35.988
<v Speaker 1>how much you love me. I love you just as much.

0:25:36.048 --> 0:25:39.848
<v Speaker 1>It's fine. It's okay. It's a once-off. But sadly, it

0:25:39.888 --> 0:25:45.447
<v Speaker 1>wasn't a once-off. Maybe a week or two later, we

0:25:45.488 --> 0:25:50.598
<v Speaker 1>were out. We'd both been drinking, not to excess, getting

0:25:50.618 --> 0:25:53.458
<v Speaker 1>a train home, and he was trying to get his

0:25:54.178 --> 0:25:56.898
<v Speaker 1>train ticket to work, and it wouldn't work. So I

0:25:56.918 --> 0:26:01.178
<v Speaker 1>went over to help him. and he hit me so

0:26:01.218 --> 0:26:05.538
<v Speaker 1>hard on the shoulder that some public transport officers came over.

0:26:05.558 --> 0:26:07.298
<v Speaker 3>He hit me because I was trying to help him.

0:26:07.318 --> 0:26:10.558
<v Speaker 1>I was trying to help him work his card, and

0:26:11.258 --> 0:26:14.788
<v Speaker 1>I shouldn't have made him to feel embarrassed or incompetent.

0:26:15.458 --> 0:26:17.588
<v Speaker 1>I should have just let him figure it out, or

0:26:17.608 --> 0:26:19.308
<v Speaker 1>I should have asked him if he wanted help and

0:26:19.328 --> 0:26:21.427
<v Speaker 1>not just gone over there and helped him. So he

0:26:21.468 --> 0:26:26.268
<v Speaker 1>hit me quite hard on the upper arm, quite violently,

0:26:26.958 --> 0:26:32.457
<v Speaker 1>The public transport officers came over and they immediately separated us.

0:26:33.798 --> 0:26:36.598
<v Speaker 1>One took him, one took me and asked me if

0:26:37.368 --> 0:26:39.728
<v Speaker 1>I knew this person. And I said, yes, he's my

0:26:40.068 --> 0:26:43.788
<v Speaker 1>long-term boyfriend. Asked me if I felt safe and I said, yes.

0:26:44.748 --> 0:26:46.528
<v Speaker 1>Asked me if he'd hit me and I said, no.

0:26:46.548 --> 0:26:49.988
<v Speaker 1>They're like, we saw it. And I'm like, no, I

0:26:49.988 --> 0:26:51.808
<v Speaker 1>just think you're at the wrong angle. It was fine.

0:26:51.828 --> 0:26:52.648
<v Speaker 3>I had a bruise.

0:26:53.728 --> 0:26:54.408
<v Speaker 1>It was significant.

0:26:54.448 --> 0:26:54.948
<v Speaker 3>I was scared.

0:26:56.238 --> 0:26:59.798
<v Speaker 1>And they said, you don't need to say anything. You

0:26:59.818 --> 0:27:03.328
<v Speaker 1>can literally like blink twice and we will just walk

0:27:03.368 --> 0:27:05.888
<v Speaker 1>you away and we'll walk him away in the opposite

0:27:05.928 --> 0:27:08.128
<v Speaker 1>direction and we'll make sure you get somewhere safe.

0:27:09.048 --> 0:27:13.707
<v Speaker 3>I said, don't be ridiculous. It's fine. We got like

0:27:13.748 --> 0:27:15.748
<v Speaker 3>obviously got back together at the train station and went

0:27:16.118 --> 0:27:17.618
<v Speaker 3>home and.

0:27:18.918 --> 0:27:23.418
<v Speaker 1>It immediately turned into a screaming match.

0:27:23.958 --> 0:27:26.438
<v Speaker 3>It was more screaming. It was more shoving.

0:27:26.458 --> 0:27:29.558
<v Speaker 1>I was so frustrated that while he was yelling at me,

0:27:29.638 --> 0:27:32.058
<v Speaker 1>I was digging my fingernails into the palm of my

0:27:32.118 --> 0:27:34.558
<v Speaker 1>hands to the point where I drew blood because I

0:27:34.578 --> 0:27:36.648
<v Speaker 1>just did not know how else to get out what

0:27:36.718 --> 0:27:37.407
<v Speaker 1>I was feeling.

0:27:37.428 --> 0:27:43.548
<v Speaker 3>I shoved him. So I was violent, which I later regretted.

0:27:44.048 --> 0:27:48.668
<v Speaker 1>That night resulted in me locking myself in the bathroom again.

0:27:48.688 --> 0:27:51.448
<v Speaker 3>But for the whole night, I didn't feel comfortable to

0:27:51.508 --> 0:27:51.838
<v Speaker 3>come out.

0:27:52.768 --> 0:27:55.728
<v Speaker 1>So I just slept on some towels, cried myself to

0:27:55.768 --> 0:27:58.227
<v Speaker 1>sleep in there. Eventually the banging stopped, the screaming stopped.

0:27:58.488 --> 0:28:00.927
<v Speaker 1>He went to bed and went out the next morning

0:28:00.948 --> 0:28:05.378
<v Speaker 1>to tears and apologies and I love you, I'm sorry.

0:28:05.388 --> 0:28:11.157
<v Speaker 1>And of course you're sorry. I'm sorry too. He's like,

0:28:11.178 --> 0:28:12.598
<v Speaker 1>you yelled at me as well. I'm like, yes, I

0:28:12.658 --> 0:28:16.478
<v Speaker 1>did yell. Yes, I did shove you back. I'm so,

0:28:16.818 --> 0:28:17.558
<v Speaker 1>so sorry.

0:28:19.118 --> 0:28:21.418
<v Speaker 3>I'm sorry. I'll make this better.

0:28:26.638 --> 0:28:32.268
<v Speaker 1>It changed the way I started to feel as a person.

0:28:32.288 --> 0:28:35.068
<v Speaker 1>Some of my friends and family started to notice. Yeah,

0:28:35.088 --> 0:28:38.548
<v Speaker 1>I had a few friends reach out and say, like,

0:28:39.408 --> 0:28:43.788
<v Speaker 1>are you okay? Is everything okay? The last few times

0:28:43.828 --> 0:28:47.468
<v Speaker 1>that we'd been out together in group situations, they had

0:28:47.528 --> 0:28:52.388
<v Speaker 1>noticed a switch in Tom at a certain point of

0:28:52.448 --> 0:28:59.478
<v Speaker 1>the night and me overcompensating. I became very good at overcompensating.

0:29:00.458 --> 0:29:02.378
<v Speaker 1>I became very good at lying to my friends and

0:29:02.398 --> 0:29:05.658
<v Speaker 1>my family because everything was fine. No, we didn't go

0:29:05.698 --> 0:29:07.798
<v Speaker 1>home and I didn't get screamed at for hours and

0:29:07.838 --> 0:29:11.478
<v Speaker 1>lock myself in the bathroom. At so many points, I

0:29:11.578 --> 0:29:15.938
<v Speaker 1>felt like I was so unsafe that I just did

0:29:15.978 --> 0:29:18.978
<v Speaker 1>not know what would happen if it were to continue.

0:29:19.318 --> 0:29:23.368
<v Speaker 1>The rage kind of outburst, I guess you would call them,

0:29:23.388 --> 0:29:25.868
<v Speaker 1>starting to get a lot more frequent.

0:29:26.518 --> 0:29:29.318
<v Speaker 3>Sometimes it could be drinking sometimes.

0:29:29.018 --> 0:29:31.668
<v Speaker 1>It could be because I was talking about money um

0:29:32.768 --> 0:29:36.248
<v Speaker 1>sometimes it could be because why am I making a

0:29:36.288 --> 0:29:38.388
<v Speaker 1>different meal for him when I'm making a different meal

0:29:38.448 --> 0:29:42.748
<v Speaker 1>for me when I've traditionally just eat like chicken and

0:29:42.768 --> 0:29:44.348
<v Speaker 1>salad and things like that and I know that he's

0:29:44.388 --> 0:29:46.348
<v Speaker 1>working he's a man so maybe he'd want some pasta

0:29:46.368 --> 0:29:52.408
<v Speaker 1>some carbs or whatever but how dare I give him

0:29:52.468 --> 0:29:55.318
<v Speaker 1>bulk cheap food? It got to a point where I

0:29:55.378 --> 0:29:59.578
<v Speaker 1>was worried about him coming home and what mood he

0:29:59.618 --> 0:30:04.718
<v Speaker 1>would be in to just constantly working on eggshells and

0:30:04.918 --> 0:30:07.258
<v Speaker 1>managing every situation.

0:30:07.278 --> 0:30:11.248
<v Speaker 3>It got to a point... One time, it was a

0:30:11.268 --> 0:30:12.648
<v Speaker 3>particularly bad time.

0:30:12.668 --> 0:30:15.018
<v Speaker 1>I think he'd come home drunk again driving my car

0:30:15.138 --> 0:30:17.898
<v Speaker 1>and I lost it, absolutely lost it.

0:30:18.578 --> 0:30:19.598
<v Speaker 3>So he lost it back at me.

0:30:20.338 --> 0:30:23.598
<v Speaker 1>But it was to the point where I'm like, I'm

0:30:23.638 --> 0:30:25.178
<v Speaker 1>not going to be safe even if I lock myself

0:30:25.218 --> 0:30:25.698
<v Speaker 1>in the bathroom.

0:30:25.738 --> 0:30:27.378
<v Speaker 3>I have to leave. I have to leave.

0:30:28.058 --> 0:30:29.478
<v Speaker 1>So I left and went to one of my friend's

0:30:29.528 --> 0:30:32.068
<v Speaker 1>houses and I ended up having to do that so

0:30:32.088 --> 0:30:33.808
<v Speaker 1>many times that I just ended up having to spare

0:30:33.828 --> 0:30:34.408
<v Speaker 1>key to her house.

0:30:35.208 --> 0:30:35.908
<v Speaker 3>She was very worried.

0:30:35.928 --> 0:30:37.988
<v Speaker 1>I think at maybe one point she may have spoken

0:30:38.008 --> 0:30:42.208
<v Speaker 1>to my sister about it. I was very good, very

0:30:42.248 --> 0:30:47.468
<v Speaker 1>good at convincing her otherwise and convincing that we don't

0:30:47.488 --> 0:30:50.198
<v Speaker 1>need to worry the fam. It's fine, babe. Every now

0:30:50.238 --> 0:30:51.638
<v Speaker 1>and then he comes home, he's too drunk and I

0:30:51.658 --> 0:30:52.238
<v Speaker 1>need to leave.

0:30:52.478 --> 0:30:56.398
<v Speaker 3>Like it's just better, I'll sleep better, blah, blah, blah.

0:30:56.418 --> 0:30:59.338
<v Speaker 3>She was trying her best.

0:31:00.278 --> 0:31:04.878
<v Speaker 1>She also, I could see she knew that if she

0:31:04.958 --> 0:31:09.198
<v Speaker 1>pushed too far, I would stop coming. And so she

0:31:09.258 --> 0:31:12.798
<v Speaker 1>was just happy to be a safe space because if

0:31:12.878 --> 0:31:15.118
<v Speaker 1>she had started to push, if she had started to say,

0:31:15.158 --> 0:31:17.098
<v Speaker 1>this isn't okay, you've come over one more time, I'm

0:31:17.118 --> 0:31:19.298
<v Speaker 1>telling your parents, I would not go over.

0:31:20.418 --> 0:31:23.138
<v Speaker 3>It was that simple. So she was doing all that

0:31:23.198 --> 0:31:23.798
<v Speaker 3>she could to.

0:31:24.578 --> 0:31:28.308
<v Speaker 1>Make sure that I was safe but that our lines

0:31:28.348 --> 0:31:32.028
<v Speaker 1>of communication were ever opened if I felt the need.

0:31:32.418 --> 0:31:35.768
<v Speaker 1>The escalation happened quite quickly.

0:31:35.968 --> 0:31:38.968
<v Speaker 3>It was almost like Once it happened.

0:31:40.148 --> 0:31:42.348
<v Speaker 1>And we got through it and we were fine and

0:31:42.368 --> 0:31:45.628
<v Speaker 1>we could get back to our high highs and the

0:31:45.828 --> 0:31:50.178
<v Speaker 1>fun and the excitement and the love and the admiration

0:31:50.238 --> 0:31:54.938
<v Speaker 1>for each other, oh, God, it was good. It was

0:31:55.058 --> 0:32:00.458
<v Speaker 1>like ecstasy. It was an addiction. I needed those high highs.

0:32:00.558 --> 0:32:03.018
<v Speaker 1>I needed that time. I needed us to be good.

0:32:03.398 --> 0:32:05.288
<v Speaker 1>We were still getting that. It was great when it

0:32:05.328 --> 0:32:05.898
<v Speaker 1>was good.

0:32:05.938 --> 0:32:06.808
<v Speaker 3>It was good.

0:32:06.828 --> 0:32:07.068
<v Speaker 1>It was good.

0:32:07.678 --> 0:32:08.378
<v Speaker 3>It's too good.

0:32:08.398 --> 0:32:12.648
<v Speaker 1>It was like this can't, like how am I so lucky?

0:32:12.668 --> 0:32:15.348
<v Speaker 1>How am I so lucky to have this person who

0:32:15.408 --> 0:32:18.088
<v Speaker 1>makes me feel this good and who I can make

0:32:18.168 --> 0:32:19.148
<v Speaker 1>feel that good?

0:32:20.188 --> 0:32:22.648
<v Speaker 3>That's awesome. That's special.

0:32:23.928 --> 0:32:27.578
<v Speaker 1>Then the lo-vo would happen and you deal with that,

0:32:28.758 --> 0:32:34.198
<v Speaker 1>the anger, the rage, the emotional.

0:32:33.398 --> 0:32:37.308
<v Speaker 3>Kind of control, the, gaslighting.

0:32:37.348 --> 0:32:39.348
<v Speaker 1>I didn't really know what was real and what wasn't,

0:32:39.828 --> 0:32:44.188
<v Speaker 1>and then the unoccasional physical abuse.

0:32:45.128 --> 0:32:48.488
<v Speaker 2>Now, dear listener, hearing this from the outside is a very,

0:32:48.668 --> 0:32:51.868
<v Speaker 2>very different thing to living it. Cassie has always been

0:32:51.908 --> 0:32:56.248
<v Speaker 2>a smart, switched-on, headstrong woman. She'd been in great relationships before.

0:32:56.308 --> 0:32:59.748
<v Speaker 2>She wasn't naive. She wasn't tainted by her past or

0:32:59.788 --> 0:33:02.748
<v Speaker 2>so desperate for connection she chose to ignore red flags.

0:33:03.568 --> 0:33:08.168
<v Speaker 2>But that's the thing about manipulation, coercion, love bombing and abuse.

0:33:08.708 --> 0:33:11.988
<v Speaker 2>They can weave their way into anyone's world, often without

0:33:12.028 --> 0:33:15.378
<v Speaker 2>them seeing it coming or even noticing when they'd well

0:33:15.438 --> 0:33:17.198
<v Speaker 2>and truly made themselves at home.

0:33:17.218 --> 0:33:23.418
<v Speaker 1>It would never intentionally hurt me. All these outbursts were unintentional.

0:33:24.478 --> 0:33:27.208
<v Speaker 1>It started maybe three months living with each other and

0:33:27.228 --> 0:33:33.088
<v Speaker 1>within the next six months I'd had to... Yeah, leave

0:33:33.108 --> 0:33:35.628
<v Speaker 1>the house at least once a month because I felt

0:33:35.688 --> 0:33:38.948
<v Speaker 1>unsafe and maybe every other second week was another blow-up

0:33:39.048 --> 0:33:43.138
<v Speaker 1>where it would be a locking in the bathroom or

0:33:43.168 --> 0:33:47.478
<v Speaker 1>locking him out kind of situation. I was losing weight

0:33:47.538 --> 0:33:51.458
<v Speaker 1>because of the anxiety and constant stress that I was

0:33:51.498 --> 0:33:57.358
<v Speaker 1>living in suppressed my appetite quite significantly. So, yeah, the

0:33:57.398 --> 0:34:01.008
<v Speaker 1>weight started to drop off a little bit, a bit,

0:34:01.528 --> 0:34:03.208
<v Speaker 1>would always make sure like things are like good and

0:34:03.228 --> 0:34:06.608
<v Speaker 1>clean and that dinner was equal and fine.

0:34:06.628 --> 0:34:11.017
<v Speaker 3>I was anxious a lot about I think.

0:34:10.008 --> 0:34:12.198
<v Speaker 1>Everything else was fine. There was nothing else I could control.

0:34:12.238 --> 0:34:14.617
<v Speaker 3>The home environment was good. I was good. I was

0:34:14.658 --> 0:34:15.198
<v Speaker 3>in a good mood.

0:34:15.438 --> 0:34:18.318
<v Speaker 1>I'd always greet him with the most excitement that I could.

0:34:19.138 --> 0:34:21.118
<v Speaker 1>It would just be I don't know what excitement I'm

0:34:21.138 --> 0:34:23.718
<v Speaker 1>going to get back. So that's what it started to be.

0:34:23.738 --> 0:34:24.978
<v Speaker 1>And it started to be a lot of managing in

0:34:25.058 --> 0:34:29.718
<v Speaker 1>social situations as well. He would be so over-the-top loving,

0:34:29.918 --> 0:34:34.558
<v Speaker 1>so over-the-top caring, So I was generous, but that I

0:34:34.598 --> 0:34:37.488
<v Speaker 1>knew my friends would be like, that's, I knew they

0:34:37.528 --> 0:34:40.087
<v Speaker 1>would think it was weird. He was doing it so

0:34:40.128 --> 0:34:43.288
<v Speaker 1>he could be liked. And so if I ever said anything,

0:34:43.308 --> 0:34:46.188
<v Speaker 1>it would just be discontinued. So I could never, and

0:34:46.228 --> 0:34:49.948
<v Speaker 1>I would never, absolutely not. I would bend over backwards

0:34:50.028 --> 0:34:53.908
<v Speaker 1>to make sure everyone knew how great he was and

0:34:53.958 --> 0:34:56.958
<v Speaker 1>how great we were. And yes, we were going to

0:34:56.978 --> 0:35:00.778
<v Speaker 1>progress our relationship. I never once questioned that we shouldn't

0:35:00.798 --> 0:35:05.047
<v Speaker 1>be together. that this was the right thing. I knew

0:35:05.088 --> 0:35:08.127
<v Speaker 1>what he'd sacrificed. I knew I loved him. I knew

0:35:08.198 --> 0:35:10.898
<v Speaker 1>he loved me and I knew we could make it

0:35:10.938 --> 0:35:13.158
<v Speaker 1>work and that I could make it better. And, yeah,

0:35:13.198 --> 0:35:14.698
<v Speaker 1>we were going to move to America together.

0:35:15.638 --> 0:35:17.598
<v Speaker 2>Whoa, whoa, whoa. They were going to what?

0:35:18.498 --> 0:35:20.277
<v Speaker 1>After living together for about a year, we made the

0:35:20.318 --> 0:35:24.738
<v Speaker 1>decision to go to the States. At that point, processing

0:35:24.958 --> 0:35:29.168
<v Speaker 1>visas was quicker offshore than onshore and I knew that

0:35:29.188 --> 0:35:32.288
<v Speaker 1>I didn't want to spend time with his family. to

0:35:32.328 --> 0:35:36.208
<v Speaker 1>meet them properly and meet his siblings and his friends

0:35:36.288 --> 0:35:38.817
<v Speaker 1>and see where he grew up. So I said we

0:35:38.838 --> 0:35:43.058
<v Speaker 1>would only, we both said actually, and Tom helped to

0:35:43.118 --> 0:35:47.877
<v Speaker 1>say that, we are only over there so I can

0:35:47.918 --> 0:35:50.258
<v Speaker 1>get to know his family and so we can process

0:35:50.338 --> 0:35:53.047
<v Speaker 1>our visa quicker so we can move back to Aus

0:35:53.088 --> 0:35:56.087
<v Speaker 1>quicker and start our real life here. So we would

0:35:56.128 --> 0:35:58.328
<v Speaker 1>both sit on that. We made that very clear to

0:35:58.388 --> 0:36:00.788
<v Speaker 1>his parents as well and they were very supportive of that.

0:36:01.718 --> 0:36:04.878
<v Speaker 1>After he'd sacrificed so much, the least I could give

0:36:04.918 --> 0:36:09.258
<v Speaker 1>was a yeah. Let's go to your home, your friends,

0:36:09.278 --> 0:36:12.777
<v Speaker 1>your circle, your community, your happy place, your, you know,

0:36:12.798 --> 0:36:16.058
<v Speaker 1>what you love, what you know, and show me all

0:36:16.078 --> 0:36:17.918
<v Speaker 1>of that and let me support you during that. I

0:36:18.588 --> 0:36:21.047
<v Speaker 1>had no reservations, no reservations whatsoever. I thought it would

0:36:21.088 --> 0:36:23.567
<v Speaker 1>be great. I thought it would be amazing. Yeah, that

0:36:23.628 --> 0:36:25.368
<v Speaker 1>it would just be this big adventure that would go

0:36:25.428 --> 0:36:27.587
<v Speaker 1>on together and how much fun are we going to have,

0:36:27.608 --> 0:36:29.648
<v Speaker 1>those high highs. That's all you remember. That's all you

0:36:29.668 --> 0:36:31.308
<v Speaker 1>kind of know. That's all you focus on. Everything else

0:36:31.348 --> 0:36:32.088
<v Speaker 1>just dissipates.

0:36:32.108 --> 0:36:32.687
<v Speaker 3>It doesn't matter.

0:36:32.708 --> 0:36:35.168
<v Speaker 1>It was all an accident on both our parts. And

0:36:35.208 --> 0:36:39.488
<v Speaker 1>he actually did go to AA while we were in

0:36:39.528 --> 0:36:42.268
<v Speaker 1>Australia before we left and he did stop drinking for

0:36:42.308 --> 0:36:47.368
<v Speaker 1>a while, which did help the violent outbursts. It helped

0:36:47.448 --> 0:36:49.928
<v Speaker 1>me because this is another thing he's doing for me.

0:36:49.948 --> 0:36:51.048
<v Speaker 3>Look at everything he's done.

0:36:51.888 --> 0:36:52.308
<v Speaker 2>Trying.

0:36:52.348 --> 0:36:53.468
<v Speaker 3>He's trying so hard.

0:36:54.408 --> 0:36:56.628
<v Speaker 1>So when all that started to happen and things turned

0:36:56.668 --> 0:37:01.178
<v Speaker 1>around for a bit, I was excited to show him

0:37:01.198 --> 0:37:03.218
<v Speaker 1>that I wanted to be in his life, that I

0:37:03.218 --> 0:37:05.678
<v Speaker 1>wanted to get to know where he was from, his history,

0:37:05.758 --> 0:37:09.277
<v Speaker 1>his friends. And then it wasn't just one way. I

0:37:09.298 --> 0:37:10.158
<v Speaker 1>was just as committed.

0:37:11.058 --> 0:37:13.498
<v Speaker 2>So off they went. They hopped on the plane at

0:37:13.658 --> 0:37:15.418
<v Speaker 2>LAX with a dream and a cardigan.

0:37:16.458 --> 0:37:18.318
<v Speaker 1>I thought he would be happier and calmer there.

0:37:18.338 --> 0:37:19.278
<v Speaker 3>I really did.

0:37:20.528 --> 0:37:22.508
<v Speaker 1>Who could not be happy going back to their family

0:37:22.548 --> 0:37:26.047
<v Speaker 1>home to see their friends, to, you know, like see

0:37:26.088 --> 0:37:29.908
<v Speaker 1>this life that he'd told me about that sounded wonderful

0:37:29.988 --> 0:37:35.188
<v Speaker 1>and sounded so, you know, social and beautiful and, you know, lively.

0:37:35.208 --> 0:37:38.608
<v Speaker 3>It wasn't the case.

0:37:39.268 --> 0:37:42.788
<v Speaker 1>When I first got there, it was lovely. I met

0:37:42.848 --> 0:37:48.027
<v Speaker 1>his parents who were beautiful. I met his siblings who

0:37:48.048 --> 0:37:52.048
<v Speaker 1>were great. And they were thrilled to have him back.

0:37:52.108 --> 0:37:55.858
<v Speaker 1>They were thrilled to meet me. They'd kind of gone

0:37:55.918 --> 0:37:59.478
<v Speaker 1>all out. They went above and beyond and they could

0:37:59.518 --> 0:38:03.938
<v Speaker 1>not stop thanking me for being with Tom. There was

0:38:04.048 --> 0:38:07.248
<v Speaker 1>a lot of thank you so much. You've done so much.

0:38:07.868 --> 0:38:11.408
<v Speaker 1>He would not be where he is without you. Thank you.

0:38:11.428 --> 0:38:15.228
<v Speaker 1>He seems to be doing well. He seems happy. And

0:38:16.008 --> 0:38:20.278
<v Speaker 1>he has someone who's like from what they could tell,

0:38:20.318 --> 0:38:24.038
<v Speaker 1>like quite strong, family orientated, good job, sensible and putting

0:38:24.098 --> 0:38:26.058
<v Speaker 1>measures into place to make sure we were building a

0:38:26.098 --> 0:38:28.678
<v Speaker 1>foundation to live off. I felt a lot of pride

0:38:29.058 --> 0:38:30.678
<v Speaker 1>with his parents saying thank you so much for being

0:38:31.318 --> 0:38:34.788
<v Speaker 1>with Tom and helping him through and getting him back

0:38:34.888 --> 0:38:37.547
<v Speaker 1>on track. Not that he wasn't on track, but thank you.

0:38:37.568 --> 0:38:41.608
<v Speaker 1>Like that made me feel really, really special. Like, yes,

0:38:41.808 --> 0:38:44.428
<v Speaker 1>I can help and we're a good team. Look at

0:38:44.468 --> 0:38:47.928
<v Speaker 1>how good a team we are together. And they could

0:38:47.948 --> 0:38:48.198
<v Speaker 1>see that.

0:38:48.838 --> 0:38:50.058
<v Speaker 3>It made me want to do it more. I didn't

0:38:50.078 --> 0:38:53.818
<v Speaker 3>feel any pressure. I felt excited. I felt energised.

0:38:54.068 --> 0:38:57.368
<v Speaker 1>I had a remote job so I could work anywhere

0:38:57.688 --> 0:38:59.567
<v Speaker 1>and I knew that while we were there he was

0:38:59.588 --> 0:39:03.508
<v Speaker 1>going to get into landscaping, which was a hiring job

0:39:03.528 --> 0:39:06.647
<v Speaker 1>over there at the time, and that we could move

0:39:06.668 --> 0:39:09.428
<v Speaker 1>around wherever his work was to get work because I

0:39:09.448 --> 0:39:10.868
<v Speaker 1>could work remote from anywhere.

0:39:11.868 --> 0:39:15.857
<v Speaker 3>Set for success, absolutely. What could go wrong?

0:39:17.438 --> 0:39:20.297
<v Speaker 1>We started by living at his parents' place because they

0:39:20.318 --> 0:39:23.908
<v Speaker 1>were often away. I started to get to know his

0:39:23.948 --> 0:39:28.968
<v Speaker 1>parents quite well and his father was consistently thankful and

0:39:29.008 --> 0:39:33.008
<v Speaker 1>his mother, I thought, was lovely but very, very reserved.

0:39:33.628 --> 0:39:36.358
<v Speaker 1>Like she didn't have a life, she didn't have a

0:39:36.698 --> 0:39:40.538
<v Speaker 1>social connection and highlighted the day. or every second day

0:39:40.578 --> 0:39:44.468
<v Speaker 1>was going to the grocery shop. So, yeah, I just

0:39:44.488 --> 0:39:49.488
<v Speaker 1>thought that she was isolated and quite sad in her

0:39:49.528 --> 0:39:54.067
<v Speaker 1>day-to-day life but then Tom's father would come home and

0:39:54.268 --> 0:39:58.198
<v Speaker 1>she was, You know, dinner would be already cooked and

0:39:58.498 --> 0:40:01.357
<v Speaker 1>she was happy and he was happy and everything was

0:40:01.398 --> 0:40:04.938
<v Speaker 1>kind of fine. And we became quite friendly, as I

0:40:04.958 --> 0:40:09.368
<v Speaker 1>did with his siblings and their partners. But the work

0:40:09.388 --> 0:40:11.448
<v Speaker 1>that Tom was doing while we were in the States

0:40:12.128 --> 0:40:15.768
<v Speaker 1>was a lot of contract work. So that meant that

0:40:15.948 --> 0:40:19.107
<v Speaker 1>we were often travelling together. a couple of hours from

0:40:19.168 --> 0:40:22.048
<v Speaker 1>home so he could do like a two-week contract. So

0:40:22.068 --> 0:40:27.308
<v Speaker 1>we were staying at Airbnbs that were quite cheap and

0:40:27.328 --> 0:40:30.797
<v Speaker 1>often the Airbnbs would be a massive house with 12

0:40:30.798 --> 0:40:33.698
<v Speaker 1>different rooms and there's different families, different couples living in

0:40:33.718 --> 0:40:36.738
<v Speaker 1>each of every room. But I was still working remotely

0:40:36.758 --> 0:40:38.258
<v Speaker 1>so I'd have to work from there and he would

0:40:38.298 --> 0:40:40.078
<v Speaker 1>leave and be gone for maybe 10 hours of the

0:40:40.098 --> 0:40:41.777
<v Speaker 1>day and I'd have no one else to talk to.

0:40:41.858 --> 0:40:45.678
<v Speaker 1>And during that time I did start to become quite...

0:40:46.538 --> 0:40:49.977
<v Speaker 1>depressed um I'd work out a lot so I really

0:40:50.058 --> 0:40:53.058
<v Speaker 1>had um and if he got home I'd be like

0:40:53.158 --> 0:40:55.258
<v Speaker 1>oh you know let's like do something or go for

0:40:55.278 --> 0:40:57.857
<v Speaker 1>a walk like I haven't had any social interaction it's

0:40:57.878 --> 0:41:01.118
<v Speaker 1>hard to make friends because we're constantly moving but then

0:41:01.758 --> 0:41:04.058
<v Speaker 1>like how could I make him want to be social

0:41:04.078 --> 0:41:07.838
<v Speaker 1>when he's just been out working all day so it

0:41:07.878 --> 0:41:11.808
<v Speaker 1>would be very much um yeah my need for wanting

0:41:11.828 --> 0:41:13.888
<v Speaker 1>to do stuff together doing the fun things that we

0:41:13.908 --> 0:41:17.448
<v Speaker 1>did back in Australia um um wasn't accepted over there

0:41:17.488 --> 0:41:20.988
<v Speaker 1>and it wasn't okay so asking for those things wasn't

0:41:21.008 --> 0:41:24.928
<v Speaker 1>okay I was living on like eggshells like already knowing

0:41:25.048 --> 0:41:27.748
<v Speaker 1>from like others what could happen if I upset him

0:41:27.768 --> 0:41:32.578
<v Speaker 1>um so was yeah I was just very very sad

0:41:32.618 --> 0:41:36.437
<v Speaker 1>very lonely a lot of times where he would come

0:41:36.478 --> 0:41:38.978
<v Speaker 1>home from work late very late I wouldn't know when

0:41:38.998 --> 0:41:41.018
<v Speaker 1>he was coming home and I was in a house

0:41:41.038 --> 0:41:43.618
<v Speaker 1>with 12 you know rooms with different strangers in them

0:41:43.678 --> 0:41:46.317
<v Speaker 1>or six rooms different strangers in them so I didn't

0:41:46.338 --> 0:41:49.438
<v Speaker 1>feel comfortable or safe to leave the room to, you know,

0:41:49.478 --> 0:41:52.278
<v Speaker 1>go out and make dinner in the communal kitchen or something.

0:41:52.298 --> 0:41:55.688
<v Speaker 1>So it would be 12, 15-hour days where I would

0:41:55.708 --> 0:41:59.147
<v Speaker 1>just be there, he would come home, probably having been like,

0:41:59.168 --> 0:42:02.648
<v Speaker 1>you know, drinking her out with workmates. So then as

0:42:02.668 --> 0:42:06.238
<v Speaker 1>soon as I recognised that, it was a no-go. It

0:42:06.278 --> 0:42:10.058
<v Speaker 1>was just fine, you're happy, we'll do whatever. And that

0:42:10.138 --> 0:42:13.518
<v Speaker 1>was just the way that we kind of lived. Not

0:42:13.598 --> 0:42:14.877
<v Speaker 1>quite the American dream.

0:42:15.608 --> 0:42:19.638
<v Speaker 2>For the first time in their now two-year-long relationship, Cassie

0:42:19.658 --> 0:42:22.777
<v Speaker 2>felt doubt. She'd been certain Tom being at home would

0:42:22.818 --> 0:42:26.798
<v Speaker 2>alleviate his stresses and make him happier, but it hadn't.

0:42:27.438 --> 0:42:30.498
<v Speaker 2>It made Cassie start to realise she wasn't happier either.

0:42:31.978 --> 0:42:34.598
<v Speaker 1>You know how they say once a mirror starts to crack,

0:42:34.618 --> 0:42:36.518
<v Speaker 1>you see a chip and then it starts to spread?

0:42:37.098 --> 0:42:40.958
<v Speaker 1>I'm thinking we've filed for this visa. I've convinced everyone

0:42:40.998 --> 0:42:44.398
<v Speaker 1>that this is fine. I've convinced myself this is fine.

0:42:45.338 --> 0:42:49.088
<v Speaker 1>This is what I want and now I'm having a

0:42:49.108 --> 0:42:50.828
<v Speaker 1>little bit of a doubt, a little bit of a

0:42:51.168 --> 0:42:53.448
<v Speaker 1>I'm not sure but I've gone too far down the path.

0:42:54.068 --> 0:42:56.728
<v Speaker 1>I now can't turn around to my family and friends

0:42:56.828 --> 0:43:01.338
<v Speaker 1>and say, actually, this relationship maybe isn't healthy. Then after

0:43:01.378 --> 0:43:05.518
<v Speaker 1>that it would be a few instances where I would

0:43:05.538 --> 0:43:08.317
<v Speaker 1>start to say, like, I'm actually not quite happy about

0:43:08.378 --> 0:43:12.437
<v Speaker 1>how that situation was handled or how you reacted, whether

0:43:12.458 --> 0:43:15.337
<v Speaker 1>it was, coming home too drunk and yelling or me

0:43:15.358 --> 0:43:17.618
<v Speaker 1>having to lock myself away or a push or a

0:43:17.618 --> 0:43:22.047
<v Speaker 1>shove or something like that. And he would just say

0:43:22.088 --> 0:43:25.488
<v Speaker 1>that never happened. Got to a point where I was

0:43:25.508 --> 0:43:29.628
<v Speaker 1>so dissociated from reality, I did not know what was

0:43:29.658 --> 0:43:32.538
<v Speaker 1>real or not. I had to start writing down everything

0:43:32.558 --> 0:43:35.078
<v Speaker 1>that happened in my day because I would not know

0:43:35.098 --> 0:43:39.277
<v Speaker 1>what was real or not at all, like anything, did

0:43:39.338 --> 0:43:43.208
<v Speaker 1>not know. I was, like, actually very worried. By then

0:43:43.248 --> 0:43:47.228
<v Speaker 1>I'd probably dropped close to seven, eight kilos. I'm a

0:43:47.248 --> 0:43:50.928
<v Speaker 1>little person so that's quite significant. During that time while

0:43:50.948 --> 0:43:53.718
<v Speaker 1>we were in America I had to fly home because

0:43:53.758 --> 0:43:59.058
<v Speaker 1>my auntie was dying. So I flew home for that

0:43:59.638 --> 0:44:02.478
<v Speaker 1>and was back in Oz for maybe three weeks. The

0:44:02.518 --> 0:44:05.058
<v Speaker 1>night that she passed I was still in Oz and

0:44:05.078 --> 0:44:07.358
<v Speaker 1>I ended up calling in being like, you know, my

0:44:07.378 --> 0:44:13.087
<v Speaker 1>auntie's just passed away. And that's all I said and

0:44:13.608 --> 0:44:16.728
<v Speaker 1>the rest of the conversation somehow flipped into me apologising

0:44:16.768 --> 0:44:20.107
<v Speaker 1>to him because I'd burdened him with this news when

0:44:20.158 --> 0:44:21.958
<v Speaker 1>he was trying to work and he was trying to

0:44:21.978 --> 0:44:23.218
<v Speaker 1>get a job and he was trying to help his

0:44:23.238 --> 0:44:26.518
<v Speaker 1>friends who were getting married and I'm upset but I

0:44:26.518 --> 0:44:29.998
<v Speaker 1>shouldn't be so needy, it's late, don't call. Because that

0:44:30.018 --> 0:44:31.438
<v Speaker 1>was a me thing, not a him thing, not an

0:44:31.478 --> 0:44:36.468
<v Speaker 1>us thing. And then I went back to America and....

0:44:39.338 --> 0:44:42.938
<v Speaker 3>We were at the family summer house and.

0:44:43.058 --> 0:44:45.078
<v Speaker 1>He was being really weird and I knew something could

0:44:45.118 --> 0:44:46.838
<v Speaker 1>happen while I was away but I didn't question it

0:44:46.858 --> 0:44:48.317
<v Speaker 1>because why would I question it because I'm not going

0:44:48.338 --> 0:44:49.918
<v Speaker 1>to start an argument.

0:44:49.568 --> 0:44:51.268
<v Speaker 3>Or start a rage blackout again.

0:44:51.288 --> 0:44:57.688
<v Speaker 1>And he proposed to me that night. And I just

0:44:57.708 --> 0:45:01.067
<v Speaker 1>went back and I was still pretty fucking devastated and

0:45:01.108 --> 0:45:05.837
<v Speaker 1>he was weird. We were on the little pier, little

0:45:05.878 --> 0:45:08.698
<v Speaker 1>dock at the summer house and I remember always saying,

0:45:08.718 --> 0:45:10.558
<v Speaker 1>I was like, I've seen you that would get engaged

0:45:10.878 --> 0:45:13.958
<v Speaker 1>because that was always what was going to happen and

0:45:13.978 --> 0:45:15.738
<v Speaker 1>I wanted there to be bubbles and fairy lights.

0:45:15.758 --> 0:45:19.128
<v Speaker 3>That's all I wanted. And there was nothing.

0:45:19.228 --> 0:45:23.388
<v Speaker 1>It was freezing cold. We were rugged up. I was sad.

0:45:24.268 --> 0:45:26.948
<v Speaker 1>I'd just seen my family. It was only us two.

0:45:27.748 --> 0:45:29.478
<v Speaker 3>He got down on one knee and said, will you

0:45:29.518 --> 0:45:29.918
<v Speaker 3>marry me?

0:45:30.788 --> 0:45:34.728
<v Speaker 2>There were no bubbles, no fairy lights. Cassie was deeply grieving.

0:45:35.108 --> 0:45:37.828
<v Speaker 2>It wasn't a special occasion or a special night in

0:45:37.928 --> 0:45:41.308
<v Speaker 2>any way. But this was the man she'd told herself

0:45:41.448 --> 0:45:43.668
<v Speaker 2>and everyone else she would spend the rest of her

0:45:43.708 --> 0:45:47.088
<v Speaker 2>life with. Nothing about this felt right in the moment,

0:45:47.708 --> 0:45:49.698
<v Speaker 2>but still she heard herself say yes.

0:45:49.718 --> 0:45:57.438
<v Speaker 4>It wasn't the time. It was so insensitive and I

0:45:57.458 --> 0:45:59.858
<v Speaker 4>just was a bit confused by it.

0:46:01.458 --> 0:46:04.758
<v Speaker 1>And I said yes and that was fine, put him

0:46:04.778 --> 0:46:07.298
<v Speaker 1>in the ring, gave him a kiss and he's like,

0:46:07.398 --> 0:46:10.198
<v Speaker 1>stay here, I'll go up and cook us dinner. He

0:46:10.218 --> 0:46:12.388
<v Speaker 1>didn't go up and cook dinner, he went into the shed,

0:46:12.988 --> 0:46:15.368
<v Speaker 1>got drunk, called friends, burnt dinner and I probably didn't

0:46:15.388 --> 0:46:16.087
<v Speaker 1>see him for four hours.

0:46:17.088 --> 0:46:19.388
<v Speaker 3>And it was just, it was awful. I went to

0:46:19.408 --> 0:46:20.008
<v Speaker 3>bed by myself.

0:46:20.908 --> 0:46:22.388
<v Speaker 1>I went to bed by myself, I woke up the

0:46:22.408 --> 0:46:26.338
<v Speaker 1>next morning by myself, went for a run, came back,

0:46:26.388 --> 0:46:29.898
<v Speaker 1>his parents were there because he told his parents and...

0:46:30.818 --> 0:46:33.578
<v Speaker 1>I had to be all happy and then we were

0:46:33.598 --> 0:46:36.998
<v Speaker 1>all happy. It was the first time I thought I

0:46:37.038 --> 0:46:43.178
<v Speaker 1>was actively faking happiness. I started to significantly question what

0:46:43.218 --> 0:46:47.138
<v Speaker 1>our life would look like and I did bring it

0:46:47.218 --> 0:46:50.458
<v Speaker 1>up to him once when he was calm and it

0:46:52.118 --> 0:46:54.038
<v Speaker 1>was to the point where I was like, I don't

0:46:54.098 --> 0:46:56.668
<v Speaker 1>think I can do this, like we are near ending. And...

0:46:59.278 --> 0:47:00.438
<v Speaker 1>He ended up convincing me to.

0:47:00.378 --> 0:47:01.338
<v Speaker 3>Do couple therapy.

0:47:01.358 --> 0:47:07.658
<v Speaker 1>It was like quite strong in my wording and he said,

0:47:07.698 --> 0:47:09.458
<v Speaker 1>if that's the case, I'm willing to work and I'm

0:47:09.518 --> 0:47:11.738
<v Speaker 1>willing to do anything for you. It was just after

0:47:11.758 --> 0:47:16.558
<v Speaker 1>we got engaged and it was one or two sessions

0:47:17.358 --> 0:47:19.238
<v Speaker 1>and then after that we had a really good period

0:47:19.258 --> 0:47:20.938
<v Speaker 1>so there was no need to go back. He was

0:47:20.978 --> 0:47:24.098
<v Speaker 1>making more of an effort to be back home, spending

0:47:24.118 --> 0:47:27.397
<v Speaker 1>more time together, doing fun things together. When you have

0:47:27.438 --> 0:47:31.838
<v Speaker 1>a few good weeks, it's done. Everything else fades away.

0:47:32.218 --> 0:47:35.218
<v Speaker 2>The addictive high was back. Tom was happy, which in

0:47:35.278 --> 0:47:38.718
<v Speaker 2>turn made her happy. The doubts, the concerns, the fear,

0:47:39.178 --> 0:47:41.968
<v Speaker 2>it all retreated. Cassie wasn't going to let that part

0:47:41.988 --> 0:47:44.488
<v Speaker 2>of her brain take back over. She had a wedding

0:47:44.508 --> 0:47:44.928
<v Speaker 2>to plan.

0:47:45.868 --> 0:47:47.727
<v Speaker 3>I was really excited about planning the wedding.

0:47:47.848 --> 0:47:48.608
<v Speaker 1>Really, really.

0:47:48.628 --> 0:47:50.808
<v Speaker 3>It was almost like, okay, we've done it.

0:47:51.268 --> 0:47:54.048
<v Speaker 1>We're We're good. Like this is it.

0:47:54.058 --> 0:47:55.378
<v Speaker 3>This is what we've been working towards.

0:47:55.598 --> 0:47:58.688
<v Speaker 1>So happy, so much fun. I came back to Oz

0:47:58.708 --> 0:48:00.708
<v Speaker 1>maybe once more because I wanted to see my family

0:48:00.768 --> 0:48:08.368
<v Speaker 1>after I got engaged, picked out my bridesmaid, went wedding venue, searching, had.

0:48:08.848 --> 0:48:11.678
<v Speaker 3>An engagement party over there. By myself, he didn't come.

0:48:14.898 --> 0:48:19.277
<v Speaker 1>But it was lovely. Everyone was really happy. This was

0:48:19.318 --> 0:48:21.358
<v Speaker 1>just before I was turning 30, so mum and dad

0:48:21.378 --> 0:48:24.038
<v Speaker 1>were like, great, we'll come over for your 30th birthday.

0:48:24.578 --> 0:48:27.928
<v Speaker 1>That was really exciting. I went back to America and

0:48:29.068 --> 0:48:31.208
<v Speaker 1>it wasn't too much longer until mum and dad kind

0:48:31.228 --> 0:48:32.508
<v Speaker 1>of came over.

0:48:33.008 --> 0:48:35.948
<v Speaker 3>The plan was for us to spend a week all.

0:48:35.848 --> 0:48:39.027
<v Speaker 1>Together at the family summer house and then mum and

0:48:39.048 --> 0:48:42.288
<v Speaker 1>dad and I would travel kind of like up the coast,

0:48:43.028 --> 0:48:45.087
<v Speaker 1>mum and dad and I, for two weeks and then

0:48:45.148 --> 0:48:47.718
<v Speaker 1>Tom was going to meet us in New York. That's

0:48:47.738 --> 0:48:50.458
<v Speaker 1>when my actual 30th was, but he had his mate's

0:48:50.558 --> 0:48:53.598
<v Speaker 1>Bucks party. So I said to him, like, stay for

0:48:53.618 --> 0:48:55.198
<v Speaker 1>the Bucks. Like, you know, you're going to be moving

0:48:55.218 --> 0:48:57.398
<v Speaker 1>back to Oz. We'll travel back for the wedding, but

0:48:57.418 --> 0:48:57.837
<v Speaker 1>you're here.

0:48:57.858 --> 0:48:58.837
<v Speaker 3>That's fine.

0:48:59.998 --> 0:49:01.508
<v Speaker 1>So my mum and dad came over and we spent

0:49:01.548 --> 0:49:04.687
<v Speaker 1>time at the summer house and Tom was odd.

0:49:04.748 --> 0:49:05.508
<v Speaker 3>Like, he was weird.

0:49:05.588 --> 0:49:08.448
<v Speaker 1>He was spending days in his room. He wouldn't come out.

0:49:08.888 --> 0:49:12.788
<v Speaker 1>I'd have to compensate, overcompensate. His parents were trying to overcompensate.

0:49:12.868 --> 0:49:14.828
<v Speaker 1>Mum and dad thought it was odd, but it's fine.

0:49:14.888 --> 0:49:17.897
<v Speaker 1>She seems happy and his parents seem lovely. We managed

0:49:17.918 --> 0:49:20.748
<v Speaker 1>to get through that week. We were travelling around. It

0:49:21.508 --> 0:49:24.848
<v Speaker 1>was my actual 30th birthday. Mum had taken me to

0:49:24.868 --> 0:49:28.038
<v Speaker 1>like it's gorgeous like winery tour came back and we're

0:49:28.078 --> 0:49:30.908
<v Speaker 1>preparing for dinner I said I'll go up to my

0:49:30.948 --> 0:49:33.707
<v Speaker 1>room freshen up so much my room freshen up opened

0:49:33.748 --> 0:49:36.728
<v Speaker 1>up the laptop which was Tom's um that I was

0:49:36.808 --> 0:49:40.148
<v Speaker 1>using for work and had been for ages opened it

0:49:40.228 --> 0:49:41.888
<v Speaker 1>up to play some music while I was getting ready

0:49:42.028 --> 0:49:45.148
<v Speaker 1>gave him a call hey babe, I miss you so much.

0:49:45.448 --> 0:49:46.067
<v Speaker 2>So, so much.

0:49:46.088 --> 0:49:47.488
<v Speaker 3>He's like, I miss you too. I wish you were here.

0:49:47.508 --> 0:49:48.687
<v Speaker 3>I wish I was with you. I'm so sorry.

0:49:48.708 --> 0:49:50.027
<v Speaker 1>I can't be there. I love you so much. I

0:49:50.028 --> 0:49:50.818
<v Speaker 1>can't wait to marry you.

0:49:51.048 --> 0:49:51.308
<v Speaker 3>Great.

0:49:51.388 --> 0:49:53.928
<v Speaker 1>Awesome. Going out here with mum and dad. It's like, awesome.

0:49:53.948 --> 0:49:54.548
<v Speaker 3>Have a good time.

0:49:54.848 --> 0:49:58.108
<v Speaker 1>I hung up and the laptop started getting like all

0:49:58.128 --> 0:50:02.087
<v Speaker 1>these like beeps, like these message notifications. I'm like, that

0:50:02.168 --> 0:50:06.898
<v Speaker 1>doesn't normally happen. Turns out I was, the laptop was

0:50:06.938 --> 0:50:10.008
<v Speaker 1>logged into his iMessenger and So I was just clicking

0:50:10.188 --> 0:50:12.308
<v Speaker 1>XXX to start. Like, I don't need to see those.

0:50:12.688 --> 0:50:14.268
<v Speaker 1>But then more came up and I thought it was

0:50:14.308 --> 0:50:20.928
<v Speaker 1>a girl's name. No name I recognised. I opened up

0:50:20.948 --> 0:50:27.768
<v Speaker 1>the message and it was pretty sexually explicit. Like, very

0:50:27.828 --> 0:50:34.227
<v Speaker 1>sexually explicit from Tom to her. Like, at, like, live

0:50:34.268 --> 0:50:37.508
<v Speaker 1>time happening right in front of my face. Photos that

0:50:37.548 --> 0:50:40.277
<v Speaker 1>he'd sent me while I was in Oz. I'm like,

0:50:40.358 --> 0:50:43.358
<v Speaker 1>I just got off the phone with you. I've seen

0:50:43.408 --> 0:50:45.238
<v Speaker 1>that image. I've seen that.

0:50:46.928 --> 0:50:49.547
<v Speaker 3>Why are you asking her and her hot yoga friend

0:50:49.568 --> 0:50:54.408
<v Speaker 3>to come over? So I call him again. He's like, what?

0:50:54.548 --> 0:50:58.067
<v Speaker 1>He starts getting angry, which I'm used to, right? Normally

0:50:58.108 --> 0:51:02.388
<v Speaker 1>I'd taper away. I said, I'm like, tell me, do

0:51:02.428 --> 0:51:03.587
<v Speaker 1>you want to marry me, yes or no?

0:51:03.608 --> 0:51:06.147
<v Speaker 3>He's like, yes, of course I do. Stop bothering me.

0:51:06.168 --> 0:51:08.087
<v Speaker 3>If you keep on being crazy like this, I'll say no.

0:51:09.858 --> 0:51:12.838
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, okay, okay, just checking, just checking.

0:51:12.878 --> 0:51:14.158
<v Speaker 3>It's my birthday. We're away.

0:51:14.178 --> 0:51:19.138
<v Speaker 1>You're at a box. He's like, yeah, like, it's fine. Like,

0:51:19.158 --> 0:51:21.498
<v Speaker 1>just go enjoy yourself. Like, stop bothering me. Stop having

0:51:21.518 --> 0:51:26.128
<v Speaker 1>all these trust insecurities. I hang up. More messages come through.

0:51:26.428 --> 0:51:30.948
<v Speaker 1>Literally seconds after, it was like complete shock.

0:51:31.208 --> 0:51:38.148
<v Speaker 3>I took screenshots, picked up my phone. He's like, what now?

0:51:38.208 --> 0:51:41.238
<v Speaker 1>Are you fucking kidding me? And I've just started reading

0:51:41.278 --> 0:51:45.598
<v Speaker 1>out the messages. He's like, no, no, no, don't, don't.

0:51:45.678 --> 0:51:49.038
<v Speaker 1>And I'm like, we're done. And I hang up. And

0:51:49.078 --> 0:51:55.668
<v Speaker 1>I've dropped to the floor in absolutely hysterics. My poor

0:51:55.688 --> 0:51:58.648
<v Speaker 1>dad's knocked on the door. Cassie, your mum's taking a

0:51:58.648 --> 0:51:59.308
<v Speaker 1>while to get ready.

0:51:59.348 --> 0:52:00.748
<v Speaker 3>Let's go to the bar and have a drink.

0:52:02.308 --> 0:52:02.948
<v Speaker 1>Knocked on the door again.

0:52:02.968 --> 0:52:05.208
<v Speaker 3>Cassie, Cassie, open the door.

0:52:05.588 --> 0:52:08.988
<v Speaker 1>I'm literally on the floor in hysterics.

0:52:09.818 --> 0:52:13.728
<v Speaker 3>Poor dad's just like, fuck, are you okay? And I've

0:52:13.768 --> 0:52:17.528
<v Speaker 3>just looked at him and been like, no. He's like,

0:52:17.548 --> 0:52:21.508
<v Speaker 3>I'm going to get your mum. Mum's like, what has happened? Like,

0:52:21.548 --> 0:52:25.298
<v Speaker 3>has someone died? What has happened? And I said, Tom's

0:52:25.638 --> 0:52:27.638
<v Speaker 3>cheating on me. I saw it all. I saw it

0:52:27.858 --> 0:52:31.277
<v Speaker 3>all on Messenger. He was messaging her. He was sending

0:52:31.298 --> 0:52:33.428
<v Speaker 3>photos that I've seen. I can't, I can't, I can't.

0:52:35.228 --> 0:52:37.968
<v Speaker 1>Mum's burst into tears, Dad's burst into tears, seeing your

0:52:37.988 --> 0:52:41.158
<v Speaker 1>father cry is awful, absolutely awful. They've just spent a

0:52:41.178 --> 0:52:45.278
<v Speaker 1>week at the family house. They've tried their best to

0:52:45.718 --> 0:52:49.118
<v Speaker 1>like him and accept everything that I've been going through

0:52:49.138 --> 0:52:51.358
<v Speaker 1>throughout it and, you know, take my word for it.

0:52:52.178 --> 0:52:55.298
<v Speaker 1>And everything that I'd lied for, everything that I'd covered for,

0:52:56.238 --> 0:53:00.527
<v Speaker 1>everything that I'd seated myself for had come to light.

0:53:02.028 --> 0:53:07.128
<v Speaker 3>And it was soul-crushing. It was just... horrific, horrific.

0:53:07.888 --> 0:53:11.758
<v Speaker 1>Not only was the love of my life cheating on me,

0:53:11.778 --> 0:53:18.777
<v Speaker 1>I'd like realised my whole last three years I'd been

0:53:18.838 --> 0:53:20.817
<v Speaker 1>lying to the people that loved and cared for me

0:53:20.858 --> 0:53:23.848
<v Speaker 1>to protect this person, to protect what I thought would

0:53:23.868 --> 0:53:27.028
<v Speaker 1>be a really beautiful life and now realising that I was.

0:53:26.868 --> 0:53:29.308
<v Speaker 3>A fool, I was stupid.

0:53:29.548 --> 0:53:33.087
<v Speaker 1>How could I have been so ignorant and how could

0:53:33.148 --> 0:53:36.988
<v Speaker 1>I have Deceited the people that actually love me to

0:53:38.278 --> 0:53:45.518
<v Speaker 1>protect someone that had been emotionally, physically abusing me. To

0:53:45.538 --> 0:53:47.318
<v Speaker 1>be left at this point.

0:53:48.818 --> 0:53:50.948
<v Speaker 2>And that wasn't all. The kicker?

0:53:52.028 --> 0:53:54.668
<v Speaker 1>Literally the day before this happened, our visa got approved.

0:53:55.108 --> 0:54:00.248
<v Speaker 1>He was now my legal financial responsibility in Australia. Are

0:54:00.268 --> 0:54:00.908
<v Speaker 1>you fucking kidding me?

0:54:02.358 --> 0:54:02.858
<v Speaker 3>Like what?

0:54:03.738 --> 0:54:04.098
<v Speaker 4>What?

0:54:05.558 --> 0:54:08.098
<v Speaker 1>It was awful. I did not know what to do

0:54:08.518 --> 0:54:12.438
<v Speaker 1>and I switched into gear and was like, nah, fuck this.

0:54:13.718 --> 0:54:16.098
<v Speaker 1>I'm calling his parents. So I sent them the screenshots

0:54:16.138 --> 0:54:19.018
<v Speaker 1>of the messages that I'd received and I said, your

0:54:19.038 --> 0:54:23.648
<v Speaker 1>son's just done that to me. They were mortified. All

0:54:23.688 --> 0:54:26.168
<v Speaker 1>my stuff was still in the family home. I am

0:54:26.288 --> 0:54:29.388
<v Speaker 1>not coming back. He's packing it up. I will never

0:54:29.508 --> 0:54:31.148
<v Speaker 1>see you guys. I'll never speak to you guys. I'll

0:54:31.168 --> 0:54:33.848
<v Speaker 1>never see or speak to him again. This is fun, 100%.

0:54:33.848 --> 0:54:35.607
<v Speaker 1>There's no going back from this.

0:54:36.948 --> 0:54:37.768
<v Speaker 3>He was trying to call.

0:54:37.808 --> 0:54:38.948
<v Speaker 1>He was trying to message.

0:54:39.388 --> 0:54:40.587
<v Speaker 3>He was in tears.

0:54:41.768 --> 0:54:44.128
<v Speaker 1>And then his dad kept on calling me, kept on

0:54:44.148 --> 0:54:46.107
<v Speaker 1>calling me and was like, you have to come back.

0:54:46.128 --> 0:54:47.798
<v Speaker 1>We'll fly for you to come back. Go to Australia

0:54:47.818 --> 0:54:49.538
<v Speaker 1>for a bit. We'll fly you back over business class.

0:54:49.598 --> 0:54:52.018
<v Speaker 1>You need to stay with Tom. You can't end it

0:54:52.058 --> 0:54:52.538
<v Speaker 1>this way.

0:54:53.338 --> 0:54:55.798
<v Speaker 3>And it was so unfair. He was emailing me.

0:54:55.818 --> 0:54:57.298
<v Speaker 1>He was calling.

0:54:57.318 --> 0:55:01.708
<v Speaker 3>He was messaging. His mum was just like, I'm in shock.

0:55:01.748 --> 0:55:04.938
<v Speaker 1>I'm so sorry. I'm so embarrassed. Like I don't know

0:55:04.958 --> 0:55:09.277
<v Speaker 1>what to do. But the fact his dad was, it's

0:55:09.398 --> 0:55:12.458
<v Speaker 1>not what you think it is. Tom would never do this.

0:55:12.558 --> 0:55:15.018
<v Speaker 1>It's not what it seems. He got cold feet. I

0:55:15.058 --> 0:55:19.718
<v Speaker 1>was like, are you? Like it was probably the first

0:55:19.758 --> 0:55:21.768
<v Speaker 1>time that I used the word manipulation in my head.

0:55:21.788 --> 0:55:23.127
<v Speaker 3>I'm like, are you manipulating me?

0:55:23.148 --> 0:55:25.888
<v Speaker 1>Because I'm pretty sure it's what your son's been doing

0:55:25.908 --> 0:55:26.808
<v Speaker 1>for the last three years.

0:55:27.968 --> 0:55:29.128
<v Speaker 3>He couldn't say otherwise.

0:55:29.168 --> 0:55:29.768
<v Speaker 1>I had evidence.

0:55:29.788 --> 0:55:32.958
<v Speaker 3>I had facts. And my parents were there. They saw it.

0:55:33.938 --> 0:55:37.038
<v Speaker 1>Seeing your child break down like that, how could I

0:55:37.078 --> 0:55:39.877
<v Speaker 1>have that person in our lives again? And if they

0:55:39.918 --> 0:55:42.488
<v Speaker 1>weren't there, I reckon I'd still be with him. That's

0:55:42.508 --> 0:55:46.988
<v Speaker 1>probably the only reason that it truly ended because I

0:55:47.008 --> 0:55:52.768
<v Speaker 1>was so mentally unwell and so manipulated in my mind

0:55:52.808 --> 0:55:55.868
<v Speaker 1>about what was reality or not that if they weren't there,

0:55:55.888 --> 0:55:58.888
<v Speaker 1>he could have talked me out of it and his

0:55:58.928 --> 0:56:01.067
<v Speaker 1>father could have as well. that they were there and

0:56:01.128 --> 0:56:03.228
<v Speaker 1>they saw that and I'm not bringing that pain back

0:56:03.268 --> 0:56:04.288
<v Speaker 1>into my family's world.

0:56:04.668 --> 0:56:07.348
<v Speaker 3>The flight home was awful.

0:56:07.228 --> 0:56:10.348
<v Speaker 1>And then I got off the plane and my friend

0:56:10.388 --> 0:56:13.188
<v Speaker 1>who I used to go to when, you know, she

0:56:13.208 --> 0:56:14.788
<v Speaker 1>got really bad and had a key to her place,

0:56:15.428 --> 0:56:17.248
<v Speaker 1>she was there waiting for me when I walked through

0:56:17.268 --> 0:56:20.168
<v Speaker 1>the gates and I just remember this sense of like

0:56:21.068 --> 0:56:25.067
<v Speaker 1>relief but sadness but also a guilt, the guilt I

0:56:25.128 --> 0:56:30.178
<v Speaker 1>felt for having deceived the people that love me I

0:56:30.238 --> 0:56:34.718
<v Speaker 1>felt foolish, I felt bad, but I felt like broken

0:56:35.238 --> 0:56:38.828
<v Speaker 1>inside because the man I thought loved me did not

0:56:40.128 --> 0:56:42.198
<v Speaker 1>care for me the way I need to be cared for,

0:56:42.248 --> 0:56:43.788
<v Speaker 1>loved me the way I need to be loved and

0:56:43.808 --> 0:56:46.488
<v Speaker 1>someone should be loved, but I had done wrong by

0:56:46.528 --> 0:56:49.727
<v Speaker 1>those who loved me and that's probably what hurt the most.

0:56:50.868 --> 0:56:54.718
<v Speaker 1>And then having to slowly say, like, I don't think

0:56:54.778 --> 0:56:57.698
<v Speaker 1>the relationship maybe was healthy and then it was also

0:56:57.738 --> 0:57:02.488
<v Speaker 1>having to realise I'd to contact the Australian government and say, hey,

0:57:03.658 --> 0:57:06.718
<v Speaker 1>all those legal documents that I wrote and signed and

0:57:06.738 --> 0:57:09.038
<v Speaker 1>my family and friends wrote and signed.

0:57:10.128 --> 0:57:11.668
<v Speaker 3>Turns out not true.

0:57:11.688 --> 0:57:15.408
<v Speaker 1>Turns out this was happening. Can this person please not

0:57:15.448 --> 0:57:19.168
<v Speaker 1>be on my visa? Can I please not be responsible

0:57:19.208 --> 0:57:22.128
<v Speaker 1>for them? So I had to submit an application to

0:57:22.148 --> 0:57:24.808
<v Speaker 1>get it all revoked, which was also a process in

0:57:24.868 --> 0:57:28.758
<v Speaker 1>itself because that's like the definitive end of that was

0:57:28.798 --> 0:57:33.328
<v Speaker 1>able to do that. The healing journey was eye-opening. I

0:57:34.568 --> 0:57:36.128
<v Speaker 1>had to move back with my parents because I didn't

0:57:36.148 --> 0:57:38.208
<v Speaker 1>have a place to live when I was 30 years old.

0:57:39.288 --> 0:57:41.088
<v Speaker 3>I stayed with some friends.

0:57:41.108 --> 0:57:43.108
<v Speaker 1>I didn't have a job back in Australia because I

0:57:43.108 --> 0:57:46.128
<v Speaker 1>was working remote for a company and the hours were

0:57:46.258 --> 0:57:46.968
<v Speaker 1>US hours.

0:57:48.038 --> 0:57:48.978
<v Speaker 3>So I had to end that.

0:57:49.918 --> 0:57:52.898
<v Speaker 1>So I was unemployed, 30 years old, and living with

0:57:52.918 --> 0:57:55.978
<v Speaker 1>my parents when I thought I was engaged and planning

0:57:56.018 --> 0:58:00.238
<v Speaker 1>a wedding. When it all kind of happened, I emailed

0:58:00.258 --> 0:58:02.598
<v Speaker 1>a psychologist, so I started to speak to her and

0:58:03.418 --> 0:58:07.138
<v Speaker 1>through that started to learn about words like gaslighting and

0:58:07.178 --> 0:58:14.698
<v Speaker 1>narcissistic tendencies and manipulation and emotional abuse and everything started

0:58:14.718 --> 0:58:18.308
<v Speaker 1>to make a lot more sense, which was comforting but

0:58:18.328 --> 0:58:21.068
<v Speaker 1>also really saddening as well that I was someone who

0:58:21.768 --> 0:58:25.248
<v Speaker 1>couldn't was had done 10 years of therapy beforehand to

0:58:25.288 --> 0:58:28.158
<v Speaker 1>be a you know just a healthy human being living

0:58:28.178 --> 0:58:29.698
<v Speaker 1>in the world that we're living in and wanting to

0:58:29.738 --> 0:58:32.598
<v Speaker 1>do the best that I could in all aspects that

0:58:32.618 --> 0:58:34.038
<v Speaker 1>I could be someone that could end up in that

0:58:34.078 --> 0:58:40.238
<v Speaker 1>situation like how how does that happen having lived through

0:58:40.278 --> 0:58:44.298
<v Speaker 1>it I can see how it happens you don't realize

0:58:44.338 --> 0:58:46.928
<v Speaker 1>when you're in it and when you're in it the

0:58:46.968 --> 0:58:48.908
<v Speaker 1>high highs and the low low it does become an

0:58:48.948 --> 0:58:51.108
<v Speaker 1>addiction and you do get addicted to the highs and

0:58:51.758 --> 0:58:54.068
<v Speaker 1>And then so when it's low, you crave, like, no,

0:58:54.088 --> 0:58:57.388
<v Speaker 1>I need, I need that, like, that intensity again, that

0:58:57.468 --> 0:59:01.388
<v Speaker 1>euphoric feeling that we feel after a fight. Like, that's

0:59:01.408 --> 0:59:03.758
<v Speaker 1>what kind of keeps you going and keeps the cycle going.

0:59:03.778 --> 0:59:06.758
<v Speaker 2>With a lot of work, a lot of help and

0:59:06.798 --> 0:59:10.198
<v Speaker 2>support from family and friends, and, of course, with time,

0:59:10.598 --> 0:59:13.038
<v Speaker 2>Cassie was able to pick up the pieces and start

0:59:13.058 --> 0:59:16.378
<v Speaker 2>to build back her new life. And three years after

0:59:16.458 --> 0:59:20.098
<v Speaker 2>she'd touched back down in Australia, totally broken, she had

0:59:20.158 --> 0:59:22.538
<v Speaker 2>not only built her life back up, but it was

0:59:22.618 --> 0:59:25.278
<v Speaker 2>one she was genuinely happy in, without Tom.

0:59:26.338 --> 0:59:29.178
<v Speaker 1>Managed to get through, got a job, got somewhere wonderful

0:59:29.218 --> 0:59:32.128
<v Speaker 1>to live, built up a beautiful community in.

0:59:32.108 --> 0:59:33.388
<v Speaker 3>The place that I wanted to live.

0:59:33.408 --> 0:59:39.698
<v Speaker 1>I'd blocked Tom on everything, numbers, emails, socials. I was

0:59:39.738 --> 0:59:42.258
<v Speaker 1>at work one day and I got a LinkedIn message.

0:59:42.278 --> 0:59:44.268
<v Speaker 3>It was from Tom.

0:59:45.588 --> 0:59:50.268
<v Speaker 1>Three years after everything, three years after last comms. Hey, Cassie.

0:59:50.668 --> 0:59:51.268
<v Speaker 3>Hope you're well.

0:59:51.288 --> 0:59:55.528
<v Speaker 1>Been wanting to reach out. Couldn't come back because of

0:59:55.628 --> 0:59:59.428
<v Speaker 1>COVID restrictions. I'm finally able to come back to Australia

0:59:59.448 --> 1:00:02.508
<v Speaker 1>and I'm really looking forward to trying to make it

1:00:02.528 --> 1:00:03.138
<v Speaker 1>work with you. Huh?

1:00:04.408 --> 1:00:06.048
<v Speaker 2>Are you serious?

1:00:07.168 --> 1:00:09.238
<v Speaker 1>Is this a joke? I didn't even wait for my

1:00:09.258 --> 1:00:12.398
<v Speaker 1>next psychologist appointment. I messaged her and said, hey, do

1:00:12.418 --> 1:00:16.638
<v Speaker 1>you have 15 minutes? And she called and I mentioned

1:00:16.718 --> 1:00:19.588
<v Speaker 1>it because I was like, do I respond?

1:00:19.628 --> 1:00:21.128
<v Speaker 3>Do I not respond? What do I do?

1:00:22.408 --> 1:00:24.788
<v Speaker 1>And he said he was coming back to Oz and

1:00:24.828 --> 1:00:26.888
<v Speaker 1>that he was looking forward to trying to make things work,

1:00:26.948 --> 1:00:29.648
<v Speaker 1>that he still loved me. But he didn't say where

1:00:29.728 --> 1:00:30.788
<v Speaker 1>in Oz he was moving back to.

1:00:30.808 --> 1:00:30.868
<v Speaker 3>So.

1:00:33.238 --> 1:00:35.038
<v Speaker 1>Discussed with her that would make me feel better if

1:00:35.098 --> 1:00:37.618
<v Speaker 1>I knew where in Oz, right? Maybe it's another state.

1:00:37.658 --> 1:00:38.278
<v Speaker 1>Who cares?

1:00:38.478 --> 1:00:39.628
<v Speaker 3>I've moved on, right?

1:00:41.248 --> 1:00:43.968
<v Speaker 1>He said, I'm moving back to near where we were

1:00:43.988 --> 1:00:46.228
<v Speaker 1>living at the time. He said, I'm on my way

1:00:46.288 --> 1:00:52.528
<v Speaker 1>now and two suburbs away for now and then I'll

1:00:52.548 --> 1:00:56.518
<v Speaker 1>look to move closer to home, home being where we

1:00:56.618 --> 1:01:00.698
<v Speaker 1>used to live, where I live. The physiological reaction was insane.

1:01:01.918 --> 1:01:04.078
<v Speaker 1>It was like a wave of like your body gets hot,

1:01:04.578 --> 1:01:08.518
<v Speaker 1>you start to lose vision, you feel sick, your head

1:01:08.538 --> 1:01:08.858
<v Speaker 1>starts to.

1:01:08.838 --> 1:01:09.718
<v Speaker 3>Get really cloudy.

1:01:10.418 --> 1:01:13.558
<v Speaker 1>Then the messages started. He'd obviously gotten a new number.

1:01:13.578 --> 1:01:17.618
<v Speaker 1>I had the same number. I blocked that number. Then

1:01:17.638 --> 1:01:20.058
<v Speaker 1>a new number would come up and he knew where

1:01:20.158 --> 1:01:23.218
<v Speaker 1>I was. So I went into the police station and

1:01:23.378 --> 1:01:25.928
<v Speaker 1>spoke to a police officer and And he told me

1:01:25.948 --> 1:01:27.928
<v Speaker 1>to sit down and then he took some notes and

1:01:27.948 --> 1:01:31.088
<v Speaker 1>then got someone else and they said that I should

1:01:31.128 --> 1:01:36.918
<v Speaker 1>file for an immediate interim restraining order. And I said,

1:01:37.038 --> 1:01:39.278
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, I don't know if that's necessary. And he's like,

1:01:39.298 --> 1:01:41.638
<v Speaker 1>do you feel unsafe? And I said, yes. And he's like,

1:01:41.658 --> 1:01:42.578
<v Speaker 1>then it's necessary.

1:01:42.598 --> 1:01:43.138
<v Speaker 3>It's okay.

1:01:44.098 --> 1:01:48.138
<v Speaker 1>And then that's when I kind of realised I need

1:01:48.718 --> 1:01:51.168
<v Speaker 1>to make sure I never feel unsafe again, that it's

1:01:51.248 --> 1:01:54.068
<v Speaker 1>not okay to feel unsafe. To have someone say that

1:01:54.108 --> 1:01:58.488
<v Speaker 1>to validate this actually isn't okay and if you feel unsafe,

1:01:59.008 --> 1:02:02.968
<v Speaker 1>it's not okay. And I remember feeling that and being like,

1:02:03.388 --> 1:02:06.328
<v Speaker 1>I felt unsafe for three years. I was unsafe living

1:02:06.368 --> 1:02:08.588
<v Speaker 1>in my house with my partner that I loved. Like

1:02:08.728 --> 1:02:12.888
<v Speaker 1>I was unsafe. I felt fearful every day. So I

1:02:13.188 --> 1:02:16.408
<v Speaker 1>followed up the interim restraining order because I had enough

1:02:16.488 --> 1:02:18.678
<v Speaker 1>evidence for that to be in place straight away so

1:02:18.698 --> 1:02:21.038
<v Speaker 1>that I would have served him and then I had

1:02:21.058 --> 1:02:25.528
<v Speaker 1>to go through the court system, provide evidence evidence of

1:02:25.568 --> 1:02:28.488
<v Speaker 1>everything that had kind of happened to go through the

1:02:28.708 --> 1:02:32.718
<v Speaker 1>proper process for a long-term like full effect restraining order,

1:02:33.218 --> 1:02:35.138
<v Speaker 1>which we have to provide quite a bit of evidence,

1:02:35.578 --> 1:02:37.178
<v Speaker 1>which I kind of had because I used to write

1:02:37.198 --> 1:02:39.798
<v Speaker 1>down what was reality in my phone. So having those

1:02:39.838 --> 1:02:43.878
<v Speaker 1>notes was a massive saviour in an aspect because it

1:02:43.938 --> 1:02:53.928
<v Speaker 1>meant going through that restraining order process was, it And

1:02:54.008 --> 1:02:56.328
<v Speaker 1>so I was going to see this restraining order through.

1:02:56.388 --> 1:02:57.468
<v Speaker 1>I was going to go to court. I was going

1:02:57.488 --> 1:02:58.128
<v Speaker 1>to do everything.

1:02:58.908 --> 1:03:01.688
<v Speaker 2>And she did. She was taking back the power he

1:03:01.708 --> 1:03:04.948
<v Speaker 2>had tried so many times and so hard to take away.

1:03:06.028 --> 1:03:08.788
<v Speaker 1>So I lawyered up, provided all the evidence to the court,

1:03:09.508 --> 1:03:10.328
<v Speaker 1>went to a hearing.

1:03:10.348 --> 1:03:11.508
<v Speaker 3>I was virtual.

1:03:11.568 --> 1:03:12.348
<v Speaker 1>He was virtual.

1:03:12.428 --> 1:03:13.508
<v Speaker 3>He'd got a lawyer as well.

1:03:14.188 --> 1:03:15.868
<v Speaker 1>And then I had to go back for the proper,

1:03:15.928 --> 1:03:19.178
<v Speaker 1>like in the next court hearing where more evidence was

1:03:19.338 --> 1:03:24.808
<v Speaker 1>provided and I was there in person. And it was

1:03:24.828 --> 1:03:26.508
<v Speaker 1>supposed to be like I'd be there in person but

1:03:26.548 --> 1:03:28.648
<v Speaker 1>it would be video calling from a separate room, like

1:03:28.668 --> 1:03:31.018
<v Speaker 1>these little safe rooms for people that had gone through

1:03:31.058 --> 1:03:34.498
<v Speaker 1>domestic violence just before the court kind of hearing happened.

1:03:34.538 --> 1:03:35.738
<v Speaker 3>I'm like, I need to go to the bathroom.

1:03:36.338 --> 1:03:38.798
<v Speaker 1>So they let me out to the bathroom and I

1:03:38.838 --> 1:03:41.598
<v Speaker 1>thought I was in a safe area and thought that

1:03:41.618 --> 1:03:44.808
<v Speaker 1>I'd been chaperoned. And I went to the bathroom, closed

1:03:44.868 --> 1:03:47.968
<v Speaker 1>the door, did a quick wee, came out, opened the

1:03:47.988 --> 1:03:51.008
<v Speaker 1>door and my chaperone wasn't there and it was Tom.

1:03:52.358 --> 1:03:55.968
<v Speaker 1>sitting right across the door from the toilet, staring at me,

1:03:55.988 --> 1:04:00.648
<v Speaker 1>me staring at him after having not seen him for

1:04:00.988 --> 1:04:02.428
<v Speaker 1>three years or something like that.

1:04:02.448 --> 1:04:05.268
<v Speaker 3>I've panicked. He's looked at me.

1:04:05.308 --> 1:04:07.908
<v Speaker 1>He's gone to speak. I've just turned to go back

1:04:07.928 --> 1:04:10.668
<v Speaker 1>through the door that I came through. That's the safe area.

1:04:10.708 --> 1:04:14.008
<v Speaker 3>That door's locked. That door's locked.

1:04:14.888 --> 1:04:17.568
<v Speaker 1>And I'm there and I'm like banging on the door,

1:04:17.628 --> 1:04:19.218
<v Speaker 1>being like, well, now I'm banging on the door.

1:04:19.238 --> 1:04:20.998
<v Speaker 3>It used to be him banging on the door. It's

1:04:21.098 --> 1:04:25.888
<v Speaker 3>all a lot. So that was awful. It was awful.

1:04:25.928 --> 1:04:26.708
<v Speaker 3>It was awful.

1:04:26.728 --> 1:04:30.708
<v Speaker 1>And we did the hearing and he, you know, disputed

1:04:30.768 --> 1:04:33.218
<v Speaker 1>everything or whatnot. And there was going to be a

1:04:33.258 --> 1:04:36.778
<v Speaker 1>third one. The third one you provide more evidence. I

1:04:36.798 --> 1:04:37.678
<v Speaker 1>provided more evidence.

1:04:38.618 --> 1:04:39.538
<v Speaker 3>And he was a no-show.

1:04:39.558 --> 1:04:40.758
<v Speaker 1>He was a no-show.

1:04:40.778 --> 1:04:41.638
<v Speaker 3>His lawyer was a no-show.

1:04:42.558 --> 1:04:44.958
<v Speaker 1>And the judge had looked at everything and the whole

1:04:44.998 --> 1:04:46.998
<v Speaker 1>thing maybe went for five minutes and she's like, I'm

1:04:47.018 --> 1:04:48.488
<v Speaker 1>giving this five years and, like, 2K.

1:04:49.878 --> 1:04:53.368
<v Speaker 3>He can't come within you. Done. Done. But I think

1:04:53.408 --> 1:04:53.848
<v Speaker 3>when you'd.

1:04:53.708 --> 1:04:57.568
<v Speaker 1>Been like what I now know to be gaslit so much,

1:04:57.588 --> 1:04:59.448
<v Speaker 1>you don't know what's reality, you don't know what's true,

1:04:59.468 --> 1:05:02.338
<v Speaker 1>you don't know what you deserve and you wanted something

1:05:02.508 --> 1:05:04.458
<v Speaker 1>and then that something turned out to be the worst

1:05:04.478 --> 1:05:08.298
<v Speaker 1>thing for you but you'd convinced everyone otherwise and then,

1:05:08.958 --> 1:05:12.078
<v Speaker 1>you know, telling everyone that he was awful, I was

1:05:12.118 --> 1:05:16.088
<v Speaker 1>made to feel like I was the one that was lying,

1:05:16.128 --> 1:05:19.748
<v Speaker 1>that I was making stuff up. But having had to

1:05:19.788 --> 1:05:24.548
<v Speaker 1>provide hardcore evidence... And having that evidence reviewed by a

1:05:24.568 --> 1:05:28.268
<v Speaker 1>legal professional, it gave me massive relief and a massive,

1:05:28.848 --> 1:05:32.288
<v Speaker 1>I'm not crazy, like this was all true.

1:05:32.608 --> 1:05:40.018
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, I was believed. I was believed. It's done. Simple

1:05:40.078 --> 1:05:40.398
<v Speaker 3>as that.

1:05:40.778 --> 1:05:42.498
<v Speaker 1>I can't hear from him, he can't hear from me

1:05:42.578 --> 1:05:46.198
<v Speaker 1>and got to a point where I'd sometimes forget it

1:05:46.238 --> 1:05:48.588
<v Speaker 1>even happened in a good way because I've dealt with it,

1:05:48.588 --> 1:05:50.328
<v Speaker 1>I've healed through it, I've got the right help for it.

1:05:50.468 --> 1:05:51.948
<v Speaker 1>I made very sure of that because I would not

1:05:51.988 --> 1:05:54.708
<v Speaker 1>let that take up any more time, space or energy.

1:05:54.728 --> 1:06:03.218
<v Speaker 1>It's taken up enough. That would have been four years ago,

1:06:03.478 --> 1:06:08.078
<v Speaker 1>five years ago, and I couldn't get less. To be honest,

1:06:08.098 --> 1:06:09.578
<v Speaker 1>I could see him walking down the street and I

1:06:09.598 --> 1:06:13.398
<v Speaker 1>would be like, oof, I don't even recognise him, he knows.

1:06:14.078 --> 1:06:16.438
<v Speaker 3>Like, we're done, we've healed.

1:06:17.398 --> 1:06:20.398
<v Speaker 1>And I'm so grateful that I had the friends and family,

1:06:20.598 --> 1:06:24.008
<v Speaker 1>that I had the professional support psychological help and I

1:06:24.048 --> 1:06:28.388
<v Speaker 1>gave myself time to do so because otherwise yeah I

1:06:28.408 --> 1:06:30.658
<v Speaker 1>wouldn't be where I am now so I'm very grateful

1:06:31.358 --> 1:06:34.218
<v Speaker 1>going through the court process and having to document everything

1:06:34.278 --> 1:06:39.018
<v Speaker 1>was traumatic but I think it helped I think it

1:06:39.058 --> 1:06:42.878
<v Speaker 1>helped having to write things down because I could get

1:06:42.898 --> 1:06:44.778
<v Speaker 1>them out I could get them on paper and I

1:06:44.798 --> 1:06:48.678
<v Speaker 1>could make them factual Because when you're living so long

1:06:49.018 --> 1:06:52.198
<v Speaker 1>in a state of disbelief with what's reality, what's not,

1:06:52.258 --> 1:06:56.818
<v Speaker 1>you do question everything. But getting it out, it was

1:06:56.858 --> 1:07:02.568
<v Speaker 1>like the final release of like, this happened. It wasn't

1:07:02.608 --> 1:07:07.388
<v Speaker 1>okay that it happened, but it's okay that I didn't

1:07:07.968 --> 1:07:08.908
<v Speaker 1>leave or.

1:07:08.968 --> 1:07:10.928
<v Speaker 3>I didn't do something. Everyone's like, why didn't you leave?

1:07:11.008 --> 1:07:11.738
<v Speaker 3>It was so bad.

1:07:12.228 --> 1:07:14.248
<v Speaker 1>That's so easy to say when you're not in it,

1:07:14.288 --> 1:07:18.008
<v Speaker 1>when you're not addicted to the relationship. It is an addiction. Unfortunately,

1:07:18.188 --> 1:07:21.528
<v Speaker 1>I needed something that was so significant to stop the addiction.

1:07:23.048 --> 1:07:25.698
<v Speaker 1>And seeing the messages I'm being cheated on in front

1:07:25.718 --> 1:07:29.178
<v Speaker 1>of my parents, having them there to witness my breakdown,

1:07:29.518 --> 1:07:31.838
<v Speaker 1>that was the thing that I needed to stop the pattern.

1:07:32.698 --> 1:07:36.238
<v Speaker 1>So going through it all with a lens of having

1:07:36.278 --> 1:07:38.478
<v Speaker 1>the education now to know what it all was, it.

1:07:40.788 --> 1:07:42.928
<v Speaker 3>It did kind of help in an odd way. I'm

1:07:42.968 --> 1:07:43.708
<v Speaker 3>not thankful for it.

1:07:43.708 --> 1:07:45.148
<v Speaker 1>I wish he never came back. I wish he never

1:07:45.168 --> 1:07:47.568
<v Speaker 1>had to go through it. But you always have to

1:07:47.608 --> 1:07:52.158
<v Speaker 1>look for some sort of a silver lining and that, yeah.

1:07:52.278 --> 1:07:52.758
<v Speaker 3>That was it.

1:07:52.858 --> 1:07:55.938
<v Speaker 1>It was nice and that was validated. I was told

1:07:55.978 --> 1:07:59.878
<v Speaker 1>that wasn't okay and that, like women, no one should

1:07:59.918 --> 1:08:00.498
<v Speaker 1>feel that way.

1:08:00.878 --> 1:08:02.398
<v Speaker 3>No one should feel unsafe in their house.

1:08:02.978 --> 1:08:06.298
<v Speaker 1>I would do nothing to ever compromise that peace and

1:08:06.678 --> 1:08:08.698
<v Speaker 1>to say if ever I feel a little bit uncomfortable,

1:08:08.718 --> 1:08:10.378
<v Speaker 1>a little bit uneasy, that that's not okay.

1:08:11.048 --> 1:08:12.348
<v Speaker 3>It doesn't have to be significant.

1:08:12.708 --> 1:08:16.668
<v Speaker 1>If you feel unsafe, if you feel uneasy, if you

1:08:16.747 --> 1:08:20.467
<v Speaker 1>feel controlled or the need to having to please someone,

1:08:20.487 --> 1:08:24.827
<v Speaker 1>that is not okay. And I feel like there's a

1:08:24.827 --> 1:08:31.117
<v Speaker 1>lot of people out there that have these small micro-violence situations.

1:08:31.538 --> 1:08:35.178
<v Speaker 3>It's not micro-violence, it's violence. It's that simple.

1:08:37.158 --> 1:08:40.558
<v Speaker 1>And I just hope that people listening will realise that

1:08:41.388 --> 1:08:45.278
<v Speaker 1>Anything small or little that makes you feel unsafe is

1:08:45.318 --> 1:08:49.658
<v Speaker 1>not okay. It's not small. It's significant. You are significant

1:08:49.738 --> 1:08:54.997
<v Speaker 1>and it matters. Anytime you feel like you have to lie,

1:08:55.018 --> 1:09:00.458
<v Speaker 1>deceive or convince others of your happiness in a relationship

1:09:00.588 --> 1:09:04.628
<v Speaker 1>or you have to make excuses for your partner, that

1:09:04.648 --> 1:09:07.308
<v Speaker 1>should be a really massive warning sign.

1:09:07.908 --> 1:09:11.418
<v Speaker 3>That's not okay. There's been no communication.

1:09:11.438 --> 1:09:17.328
<v Speaker 1>I don't believe he's still in Australia, but I have

1:09:17.388 --> 1:09:19.948
<v Speaker 1>no way of knowing because I am protected and I

1:09:19.988 --> 1:09:24.247
<v Speaker 1>am safe. And that is freeing. I honestly could not

1:09:24.288 --> 1:09:27.588
<v Speaker 1>care less. Could not care less. I do not wish

1:09:27.828 --> 1:09:31.117
<v Speaker 1>ill on him. I do think that he has some

1:09:31.578 --> 1:09:34.277
<v Speaker 1>deep demons. I don't think anyone who acts like that

1:09:34.618 --> 1:09:36.537
<v Speaker 1>is happy in themselves.

1:09:37.398 --> 1:09:38.058
<v Speaker 3>So I.

1:09:39.938 --> 1:09:41.918
<v Speaker 1>Do truly wish the best for him. I will not

1:09:41.938 --> 1:09:44.478
<v Speaker 1>harbour that hatred. I will not harbour that anger. I

1:09:44.497 --> 1:09:46.938
<v Speaker 1>will not wish ill on him because that just keeps

1:09:47.018 --> 1:09:47.818
<v Speaker 1>it alive in me.

1:09:48.598 --> 1:09:49.808
<v Speaker 3>I've made my peace with it.

1:10:01.828 --> 1:10:04.588
<v Speaker 2>Everyone Has an X is a Minty Media production and

1:10:04.628 --> 1:10:07.588
<v Speaker 2>proudly part of the Mamma Mia Network. This episode was

1:10:07.648 --> 1:10:10.568
<v Speaker 2>written and narrated by me, Georgia Love, and produced by

1:10:10.588 --> 1:10:13.188
<v Speaker 2>Linda Scott. If you have a story you'd like to share,

1:10:13.308 --> 1:10:18.888
<v Speaker 2>email everyonehasanx at mintymedia.com.au. You can support us by following

1:10:18.928 --> 1:10:21.318
<v Speaker 2>the show in your favourite podcast app and leaving a

1:10:21.458 --> 1:10:23.037
<v Speaker 2>five-star rating and review.

1:10:23.338 --> 1:10:24.398
<v Speaker 1>We'll see you for the next one.