WEBVTT - ICYMI: How To Silence Your Inner Critic (For Real) 0:00:05.799 --> 0:00:08.519 You're listening to a Mum with Mia podcast. 0:00:09.399 --> 0:00:12.239 I have this constant feeling that everything is my fault 0:00:12.319 --> 0:00:15.399 no matter what I do, I always blame myself for everything, 0:00:15.519 --> 0:00:17.279 even if I have nothing to do with it. Did 0:00:17.279 --> 0:00:20.319 you have a parent who never really apologized when they 0:00:20.319 --> 0:00:21.039 made mistakes? 0:00:21.839 --> 0:00:22.079 Yes? 0:00:22.319 --> 0:00:25.719 What if a child never witnessed their parent apologize. 0:00:25.919 --> 0:00:28.919 The child then internalizes that and says, well, then it 0:00:28.999 --> 0:00:30.359 must be my fault. 0:00:33.079 --> 0:00:34.039 For Mama Mia. 0:00:34.119 --> 0:00:37.879 I'm your host, Ashani Dante. Welcome to But are you happy? 0:00:38.279 --> 0:00:41.639 Because regulating your nervous system takes more than a macha 0:00:41.679 --> 0:00:42.359 and a mantra? 0:00:42.599 --> 0:00:46.479 And I'm doctor Anastagia hernis a clinical psychologist passionate about 0:00:46.519 --> 0:00:50.599 happiness and mental health. A question for you listener. Do 0:00:50.719 --> 0:00:54.159 you sometimes hear a voice in your head that says 0:00:54.479 --> 0:00:57.439 mean things about you, things you would never say about 0:00:57.439 --> 0:00:58.479 someone you cared about? 0:00:58.999 --> 0:01:02.639 Oh that old chestnut I call my inner meaning Luke. 0:01:05.119 --> 0:01:07.639 Look, most of us have this voice from time to time. 0:01:08.279 --> 0:01:10.719 But when this voice starts to impact our mental health 0:01:10.839 --> 0:01:13.199 or our quality of life, that's when we really need 0:01:13.199 --> 0:01:14.519 to learn to quieten it down. 0:01:14.639 --> 0:01:17.119 So you're going to tell us what's going on here, 0:01:17.199 --> 0:01:20.319 right and how to make our looks a. 0:01:20.239 --> 0:01:21.799 Little bit kinder to ourselves. 0:01:21.879 --> 0:01:29.479 Right, yep, can't wait, let's get into it, okay. So, Anastasia, 0:01:29.919 --> 0:01:34.959 the question I have is that inner critic voice isn't 0:01:35.079 --> 0:01:37.519 all that bad? Like should we actually get rid of it? 0:01:37.839 --> 0:01:40.959 My favorite first question, Yes and no, Like, yes, the 0:01:40.999 --> 0:01:46.519 inner critic can be really destructive when we experience it 0:01:46.999 --> 0:01:51.239 in excess, or when what it says to us is 0:01:51.359 --> 0:01:53.839 really unhelpful. So there's kind of two things we want 0:01:53.839 --> 0:01:57.239 to look at here. How much we experience the inner critic, 0:01:57.319 --> 0:02:00.359 how often it comes up into our head, how often 0:02:00.399 --> 0:02:03.039 it talks to us, how loudly it talks to us, right, 0:02:03.079 --> 0:02:06.479 So the kind of intensity and frequency of it. But 0:02:06.519 --> 0:02:09.039 then we also want to look at the content of 0:02:09.039 --> 0:02:12.559 what it says. Sometimes the inner critic might say things 0:02:12.959 --> 0:02:15.599 that gives us a bit of a push or a nudge. 0:02:15.879 --> 0:02:18.119 You know, if you're studying for a UNI assessment and 0:02:18.159 --> 0:02:20.319 it's like, well, you didn't get a great mark because 0:02:20.319 --> 0:02:22.279 you didn't really study that hard. Maybe next time you 0:02:22.279 --> 0:02:24.879 should try a bit harder. It's probably some truth to that, 0:02:25.319 --> 0:02:27.999 and that could actually be helpful and useful for us. 0:02:28.199 --> 0:02:30.799 So we've got to really examine the usefulness of the 0:02:30.879 --> 0:02:34.479 content along with how frequently we experience that inner critic. 0:02:35.279 --> 0:02:37.439 I really love that because also when we think of 0:02:37.479 --> 0:02:39.359 an acritic, we often just want to like push it 0:02:39.399 --> 0:02:41.239 away and not listen to it at all. But what 0:02:41.319 --> 0:02:44.799 I'm hearing is that we actually should be curious about 0:02:44.799 --> 0:02:46.399 it because it's telling us more right. 0:02:46.799 --> 0:02:51.479 Absolutely, And the reality is, try as we might, we 0:02:51.519 --> 0:02:53.919 will never fully get rid of an inner critic. We're 0:02:54.039 --> 0:02:57.359 all always going to have an inner critic. So part 0:02:57.399 --> 0:02:59.839 of the challenge for us is to get comfortable with 0:02:59.879 --> 0:03:02.239 that fact and to be able to tone it down 0:03:02.279 --> 0:03:05.359 and moderate it. But it serves a function. It does 0:03:05.439 --> 0:03:08.319 exist to give us a bit of a sort of 0:03:08.919 --> 0:03:12.039 moral framework and compass right, to let us know when 0:03:12.039 --> 0:03:13.879 we think we've done the wrong thing or we should 0:03:13.919 --> 0:03:16.359 have done something better than what we did, and to 0:03:16.439 --> 0:03:17.999 be a bit of a guide in life to give 0:03:18.039 --> 0:03:20.639 us that feedback that we sometimes need to hear. So 0:03:20.799 --> 0:03:22.999 it's always going to exist for that purpose. 0:03:24.239 --> 0:03:26.199 And I guess, like with that, when you said that 0:03:26.199 --> 0:03:30.239 there's different types of the inner critic, what are some 0:03:30.319 --> 0:03:34.399 other ways that we can really label like the different types. 0:03:34.799 --> 0:03:37.399 So I'm going to break it down into three types 0:03:37.559 --> 0:03:41.759 of inner critics, and listeners out there follow along and 0:03:41.799 --> 0:03:44.679 see if you can identify your inner critic and what 0:03:44.759 --> 0:03:48.999 type it might fall into. First type is what we 0:03:49.159 --> 0:03:53.039 call a demanding in a critic. Now, this is the 0:03:53.159 --> 0:03:57.079 type of inner critic that puts pressure on us. When 0:03:57.119 --> 0:04:00.359 we have this inner critic, we feel pressure. We feel 0:04:00.359 --> 0:04:04.119 that push feeling, and it sounds like a lot of 0:04:04.639 --> 0:04:08.119 should you should do better, you should try harder, you 0:04:08.159 --> 0:04:10.399 should have known better, you shouldn't have got such a 0:04:10.399 --> 0:04:13.039 bad mark, you should have got that promotion. Right. It's 0:04:13.079 --> 0:04:17.279 that feeling of forward pressure. But pressure can sometimes feel 0:04:17.319 --> 0:04:21.199 crippling as well. Right, So the demanding in a critic 0:04:21.439 --> 0:04:24.399 pushes us. Sometimes it pushes us a bit too hard 0:04:24.679 --> 0:04:27.879 and a bit too much. If we have this type 0:04:27.919 --> 0:04:32.199 of inner critic in and of itself, it's fundamentally not bad. 0:04:32.759 --> 0:04:35.159 But if we experience it in excess, we want to 0:04:35.159 --> 0:04:37.719 be able to turn down the volume and tone it 0:04:37.759 --> 0:04:40.319 down a little bit if we're feeling like it's too overwhelming. 0:04:40.799 --> 0:04:42.319 Right, Okay, so that's demanding. 0:04:43.119 --> 0:04:43.959 So that's first type. 0:04:44.039 --> 0:04:45.079 Okay, first type. 0:04:45.479 --> 0:04:50.759 Next type is what we call a punitive in a critic. Now, 0:04:50.799 --> 0:04:54.399 this looks and feels very different. If we have a 0:04:54.479 --> 0:04:59.399 punitive in a critic, we feel squashed, right, and the 0:04:59.519 --> 0:05:03.279 punitive in a critic sounds very different. It sounds like 0:05:04.319 --> 0:05:07.079 you're you're a terrible person, You're worthless. No one's ever 0:05:07.119 --> 0:05:09.599 going to love you, everyone will leave you your shit, why 0:05:09.679 --> 0:05:12.359 even bother. You'll never get anything right in your life. 0:05:13.159 --> 0:05:16.199 So it's a real squashed feeling. It doesn't push us 0:05:16.279 --> 0:05:18.919 forward like the demanding in a critic does. It squashes 0:05:18.999 --> 0:05:22.279 us down and it makes us feel shit about ourselves. 0:05:23.279 --> 0:05:26.719 When we have a punitive in a critic that doesn't 0:05:26.759 --> 0:05:31.279 serve any functional purpose. There's nothing useful or helpful about 0:05:31.319 --> 0:05:34.199 having that style of in a critic. And so in 0:05:34.239 --> 0:05:36.479 the therapy room, if I'm working with someone who's got 0:05:36.519 --> 0:05:38.799 a punitive in a critic, our goal is to get 0:05:38.919 --> 0:05:41.759 rid of it. We don't want it around. It's not helpful, 0:05:41.799 --> 0:05:42.599 it's not useful. 0:05:43.159 --> 0:05:43.599 Okay. 0:05:43.839 --> 0:05:46.679 It's so if we look at the difference so far, 0:05:46.919 --> 0:05:50.079 so is that does that mean like the demanding it's 0:05:50.159 --> 0:05:55.119 more action orientated, whereas the punitive's more like internal criticism? 0:05:55.519 --> 0:05:57.239 Or how would you like discern between the two. 0:05:57.559 --> 0:06:00.359 That's that's the difference. That one is functional and one 0:06:00.439 --> 0:06:02.759 is not. So the demanding in a critic can be 0:06:02.839 --> 0:06:05.199 functional because it can motivate us. It can push us. 0:06:05.599 --> 0:06:08.119 It can give us feedback when we've done something wrong 0:06:08.159 --> 0:06:10.039 and we need to correct it, you know, so, it 0:06:10.079 --> 0:06:12.879 can motivate us towards action when we've got it in 0:06:12.919 --> 0:06:16.199 the right degree. The punitive one, if I'm telling myself 0:06:16.239 --> 0:06:18.959 that I'm a terrible, worthless person, I don't feel like 0:06:18.999 --> 0:06:21.839 getting up and being motivated to do things. I feel 0:06:21.839 --> 0:06:24.159 like lying in bed, and I probably feel pretty awful 0:06:24.159 --> 0:06:28.679 about myself. The third is what we call a guilt 0:06:28.679 --> 0:06:32.799 inducing in a critic. This is the inner critic that 0:06:32.959 --> 0:06:37.039 makes you feel riddled with guilt even when you shouldn't 0:06:37.079 --> 0:06:40.039 feel guilty, even when you haven't done anything wrong. So 0:06:40.039 --> 0:06:42.199 I'm going to throw back to the exit we heard 0:06:42.239 --> 0:06:44.399 at the start where that girl was like, I see 0:06:44.399 --> 0:06:46.279 someone walk down the street and fall down, and I 0:06:46.319 --> 0:06:48.319 feel guilty and bad about it, like it was my 0:06:48.399 --> 0:06:51.959 fault even though it's clearly not. The guilt inducing in 0:06:51.999 --> 0:06:55.839 a critic is the one that tells us we're selfish. 0:06:56.119 --> 0:06:59.239 We should care about other people more. Why didn't we 0:06:59.279 --> 0:07:02.079 look after others? If we say no to going to 0:07:02.519 --> 0:07:05.319 our parents' house for lunch this weekend. We feel really 0:07:05.399 --> 0:07:08.399 bad about saying. No one really guilty about it. So 0:07:08.439 --> 0:07:10.879 that guilt inducing in a critic. Again, we can have 0:07:10.959 --> 0:07:14.319 it in excess. Sometimes it's useful to feel guilty, but 0:07:14.399 --> 0:07:17.839 if someone's got this style of inner critic, they're probably 0:07:17.879 --> 0:07:21.679 feeling it way too much and in circumstances that don't 0:07:21.719 --> 0:07:23.039 warrant them feeling guilty. 0:07:23.519 --> 0:07:26.199 It's really funny because now that you've spoken about all three, 0:07:26.439 --> 0:07:28.439 I'm just like, I feel like I've got all three? 0:07:28.759 --> 0:07:29.719 Is that a bad thing? 0:07:30.159 --> 0:07:32.799 Well, it's it's it's not ideal. 0:07:33.039 --> 0:07:38.279 Okay, Well it's a therapy, guys, but. 0:07:38.639 --> 0:07:41.999 It's common, right, It's common for people to have combinations. 0:07:42.479 --> 0:07:44.719 It's some people might be listening and think, okay, I've 0:07:44.719 --> 0:07:46.439 only got that one. Other people will be like, I 0:07:46.479 --> 0:07:48.719 can see combinations of all of them. And that's not 0:07:48.759 --> 0:07:50.559 an uncommon experience for people to have. 0:07:50.839 --> 0:07:54.799 Okay, So where does the inner critic come from? 0:07:55.199 --> 0:07:58.759 We're not born naturally with an inner critic, right, We 0:07:58.799 --> 0:08:02.599 don't come out of the womb hating on ourselves. It's 0:08:02.639 --> 0:08:06.799 something we develop throughout our life. Life. The inner critic 0:08:06.999 --> 0:08:11.559 is first formed during our early childhood years through those 0:08:11.599 --> 0:08:15.199 formative years, and it's very much influenced by the messages 0:08:15.239 --> 0:08:18.919 that we hear from people around us. Now, they might 0:08:18.959 --> 0:08:22.279 be messages that are modeled to us, or they might 0:08:22.319 --> 0:08:27.679 be messages that we are told directly. So if you know, 0:08:27.759 --> 0:08:31.039 little Sally goes to school and she comes home from 0:08:31.119 --> 0:08:34.079 school and she's like, I got ninety five out of 0:08:34.079 --> 0:08:36.599 one hundred in my maths test, and Mum and dad 0:08:36.599 --> 0:08:38.279 say to her, well, what the hell happened to the 0:08:38.319 --> 0:08:42.559 other five percent, little Sally's going to start to develop 0:08:42.599 --> 0:08:46.439 an inner critic that says, I should always be doing better. 0:08:46.559 --> 0:08:48.639 Nothing I do is good enough. I can't even get 0:08:48.719 --> 0:08:50.959 ninety five. That's not good enough. Only one hundred is 0:08:50.959 --> 0:08:53.239 good enough. So we start to internalize That would be 0:08:53.239 --> 0:08:55.679 an example of a demanding inner critic that starts to 0:08:55.719 --> 0:08:59.959 develop if from a young age we hear messages where 0:08:59.999 --> 0:09:04.079 we are invalidated, where our experiences are invalidated, where we're 0:09:04.119 --> 0:09:08.279 told you're a bad child for behaving that particular way. Right, 0:09:08.319 --> 0:09:11.839 when terms like good and bad use towards children, they 0:09:11.839 --> 0:09:14.559 can also start to develop that in a critic. But 0:09:14.599 --> 0:09:17.279 it's not just what message is told to us as kids. 0:09:17.319 --> 0:09:20.879 It's also what we see modeled. So if I'm growing 0:09:20.999 --> 0:09:25.839 up and I see that every time Mum, I don't know, 0:09:26.319 --> 0:09:28.919 makes a wrong turn when she's driving the car, and 0:09:28.959 --> 0:09:31.799 she goes, gosh, I'm such an idiot. Why did I 0:09:31.879 --> 0:09:33.839 do that? I always stuff up for I can never 0:09:33.879 --> 0:09:37.759 get anything right. We see other peoples in a critic 0:09:37.799 --> 0:09:39.959 coming to the forefront, and we also then start to 0:09:40.039 --> 0:09:42.679 internalize if I take a wrong turn when I drive, 0:09:42.999 --> 0:09:44.879 I must be an idiot as well, because that's what 0:09:44.999 --> 0:09:47.359 Mum said. Right now, All this happens on a very 0:09:47.639 --> 0:09:52.879 subconscious level. But if we add another layer of society 0:09:52.999 --> 0:09:57.159 to that, society and culture also give us messages about 0:09:57.239 --> 0:10:01.799 what is or isn't quote unquote good or bad behavior right. 0:10:02.039 --> 0:10:04.959 Society in our culture tells us how we should be 0:10:04.959 --> 0:10:07.559 in the world, and if we don't fit that mold, 0:10:08.159 --> 0:10:10.159 we develop inner criticisms around it. 0:10:10.959 --> 0:10:13.039 There really is so many layers to it, isn't it 0:10:13.079 --> 0:10:15.319 when you actually unpack it like that as well? And 0:10:15.359 --> 0:10:18.079 I think it's it's interesting we're talking about, you know, 0:10:18.119 --> 0:10:19.879 a lot of the things that shaped you when you 0:10:19.919 --> 0:10:21.959 were a child, and I know that's been a theme 0:10:21.999 --> 0:10:24.319 throughout a lot of the episodes, and I feel like 0:10:25.359 --> 0:10:29.199 it's very easy to blame our family, right, being like, Oh, 0:10:29.279 --> 0:10:31.719 if you didn't say that thing, I wouldn't be like this. 0:10:31.839 --> 0:10:33.719 And I think it's probably later in life, when we're 0:10:33.719 --> 0:10:36.479 a little bit older, that we build our awareness. But 0:10:36.519 --> 0:10:39.759 I think also it's remembering that, you know, our parents 0:10:39.799 --> 0:10:42.079 are human too, and they're doing the best that they 0:10:42.119 --> 0:10:44.879 can with the capacity that they have, right, So it's like, 0:10:45.359 --> 0:10:47.439 how do we balance it all out when we do 0:10:47.719 --> 0:10:50.759 find the source of why we're being so mean to ourselves? 0:10:51.119 --> 0:10:53.479 And I think you make a good point there, because 0:10:53.519 --> 0:10:58.319 it's never one isolated experience, right. It's not because Mum 0:10:58.439 --> 0:11:00.519 said that one time. Oh I'm such an idiot? Why 0:11:00.519 --> 0:11:02.719 did I do that? That we internalize that. It's when 0:11:02.759 --> 0:11:06.279 we see these patterns through our life, or patterns in 0:11:06.319 --> 0:11:09.599 the people or the culture around us that give us 0:11:09.639 --> 0:11:13.279 these really strong messages about what is or isn't acceptable, 0:11:13.559 --> 0:11:16.039 that we then really internalize those patterns. 0:11:16.319 --> 0:11:18.319 Yeah. And it's interesting too because with a lot of 0:11:18.319 --> 0:11:20.639 the workshops I around with teenage girls, one of the 0:11:20.639 --> 0:11:22.959 first things we do get them to do is in 0:11:23.079 --> 0:11:25.439 order to build self awareness. It's been able to discern 0:11:25.559 --> 0:11:28.599 you know, where did these negative thoughts come from? And 0:11:28.719 --> 0:11:30.479 you know, a lot of the time girls are saying 0:11:30.519 --> 0:11:33.799 things like, oh, society tells us we need to, you know, 0:11:33.999 --> 0:11:36.799 have it all together, be perfect, but don't be too perfect, 0:11:36.879 --> 0:11:39.719 and you've got to be slim thick, and they break 0:11:39.719 --> 0:11:42.159 it all down. It's the same narrative I hear all 0:11:42.199 --> 0:11:45.439 the time, and it breaks my heart, like thinking about 0:11:45.479 --> 0:11:47.679 it because it's just, oh, I'm getting emotional. 0:11:47.839 --> 0:11:49.159 I don't know if we're going to cut this out, 0:11:49.279 --> 0:11:50.799 but it's something. 0:11:50.639 --> 0:11:53.879 I'm really passionate about because they feel really deflated, you know, 0:11:54.119 --> 0:11:57.999 they feel disempowered, they feel trapped because that's just how 0:11:58.039 --> 0:12:00.599 they've grown up, that's just what they've seen. And it's 0:12:00.679 --> 0:12:03.119 really coming back to a lot of the tools that 0:12:03.159 --> 0:12:05.639 we've been you know, weaving through all the episodes. It's like, 0:12:05.679 --> 0:12:07.559 at the end of the day, what can we control? 0:12:07.639 --> 0:12:12.439 And it is our self empowerment and our environment as well. 0:12:12.759 --> 0:12:16.399 Yeah, And the unfortunate thing is that kids and teens 0:12:16.559 --> 0:12:19.759 don't yet have the skills to be able to really 0:12:20.759 --> 0:12:24.559 fact check their inner critic, right, they just believe it. Well, 0:12:24.599 --> 0:12:26.879 you know, as kids and teenagers, we don't have that 0:12:27.639 --> 0:12:30.319 cognitive capacity. Yet like we do as adults, we can 0:12:30.399 --> 0:12:32.599 take that step back and really kind of examine our 0:12:32.599 --> 0:12:37.119 inner critic from a really critical lens, But as kids, 0:12:37.159 --> 0:12:39.119 we don't yet have that ability developed. 0:12:39.399 --> 0:12:44.719 Yeah, I agree, and I think it all exists in conversations, right. 0:12:44.759 --> 0:12:46.919 It's only once we have the courage to have these 0:12:46.959 --> 0:12:49.719 conversations know that we're not alone, because what we're getting 0:12:49.839 --> 0:12:52.359 is that we all haven't in a critic, and it's 0:12:52.399 --> 0:12:54.319 around how do we learn to work with it. 0:12:54.479 --> 0:12:56.879 I've seen so many people come to the clinic who 0:12:56.959 --> 0:13:02.159 have that loud, debilitating in a critic and you would 0:13:02.239 --> 0:13:05.999 not pick it looking at them from the outside. I 0:13:06.039 --> 0:13:09.719 have people who come to the clinic. They're lawyers and 0:13:09.759 --> 0:13:14.239 their judges and their CEOs, and they're you know, also 0:13:14.359 --> 0:13:17.639 their public figures. They're in sorts of work. I guess 0:13:17.639 --> 0:13:20.679 that requires them to be very front facing and have 0:13:20.759 --> 0:13:24.719 a confidence to them when they carry out the skill 0:13:24.759 --> 0:13:27.279 set they're required to do in their career. And if 0:13:27.279 --> 0:13:29.319 you looked at them from the outside, you would not 0:13:29.479 --> 0:13:33.639 pick that they had this really strong inner critic, because 0:13:33.639 --> 0:13:38.639 it is something that some people can hide from the 0:13:38.679 --> 0:13:41.479 outside world. So exactly to your point, we don't know 0:13:41.519 --> 0:13:43.919 what someone else's inner critic is saying to them. We 0:13:43.999 --> 0:13:47.079 do sometimes meet people on the flip side where we 0:13:47.159 --> 0:13:50.439 can hear their inner critic. They literally say out loud, 0:13:50.479 --> 0:13:52.239 oh no, I'm so sorry I did that wrong. I 0:13:52.279 --> 0:13:54.319 was such a bad friend. I should have called you, 0:13:54.359 --> 0:13:56.159 I didn't call you enough, and were like, well, stop, 0:13:56.199 --> 0:13:58.839 it's okay. You know, some people will literally talk out 0:13:58.839 --> 0:14:02.079 there in a critic. Other people will mask it really 0:14:02.199 --> 0:14:04.879 really well. But what we can see it's sort of 0:14:05.039 --> 0:14:09.479 manifest as in terms of behaviors, is chronic depression. So 0:14:09.639 --> 0:14:13.559 people who have a very loud and particularly punitive in a. 0:14:13.559 --> 0:14:15.519 Critic that is washing one. 0:14:15.559 --> 0:14:18.959 That's the squashing one. Yep. That's really hard to manage 0:14:18.959 --> 0:14:21.199 in the long run, and it is very much correlated 0:14:21.239 --> 0:14:25.039 with having long standing depression, but also low self esteem. 0:14:25.359 --> 0:14:27.479 If we have a little voice in our head telling 0:14:27.519 --> 0:14:30.079 us every day how terrible we are, we're not going 0:14:30.159 --> 0:14:32.399 to feel particularly good about ourselves. 0:14:34.039 --> 0:14:38.519 And do you have any like examples of any clients 0:14:38.519 --> 0:14:42.039 you've worked with recently, obviously like keeping confidentiality and everything 0:14:42.159 --> 0:14:44.159 like that, of like what you worked on. 0:14:45.279 --> 0:14:48.439 Yes, honestly, it's one of the most common things that 0:14:48.519 --> 0:14:51.959 we do in therapy, and so I'm thinking about, you know, 0:14:52.519 --> 0:14:55.599 clients that I've seen recently, where I mean, part of 0:14:55.599 --> 0:14:57.919 the work we do is unpack, firstly, what is your 0:14:57.919 --> 0:15:00.159 inner critics saying to you, so we can identify what 0:15:00.199 --> 0:15:02.199 type of inner critic have you got? What is the 0:15:02.199 --> 0:15:05.199 inner critics saying? And so I'm thinking of someone I 0:15:05.239 --> 0:15:08.559 worked with who was in sort of corporate sort of space, 0:15:09.039 --> 0:15:11.839 and they were really great at their job, but they 0:15:11.879 --> 0:15:14.599 worked excessively long hours. They would come home at the 0:15:14.679 --> 0:15:16.919 end of the night and still tell themselves I haven't 0:15:16.959 --> 0:15:19.159 done enough. I'm not going to get that promotion. I'm 0:15:19.199 --> 0:15:21.719 doing a terrible job. Other people are doing better than me. 0:15:22.319 --> 0:15:25.279 Why am I not able to achieve the things I want? 0:15:25.279 --> 0:15:27.279 Why don't I have enough energy? Why can't I seem 0:15:27.319 --> 0:15:31.519 to do all these things? Right? Just really really harsh, demanding, 0:15:32.039 --> 0:15:35.599 but flavors of punitive as well, right, And so it 0:15:35.679 --> 0:15:38.039 was really about us trying to understand what's your inner 0:15:38.039 --> 0:15:41.639 critics saying to you? And is it helpful? Like, if 0:15:41.719 --> 0:15:45.439 your goal is to get that promotion at work, is 0:15:45.559 --> 0:15:48.519 the inner critic actually helping you get there? Or is 0:15:48.559 --> 0:15:52.079 it making you feel exhausted and terrible about yourself so 0:15:52.119 --> 0:15:54.279 that when you go home, you can't sleep, you don't 0:15:54.319 --> 0:15:58.039 eat much, you know, perpetuate the cycle of exhaustion, and 0:15:58.079 --> 0:16:00.919 then you probably don't get the promotion that you're after. Like, 0:16:01.159 --> 0:16:04.799 is it actually helping you get where it wants you 0:16:04.839 --> 0:16:06.879 to go? Because it's pushing you in a direction, but 0:16:06.959 --> 0:16:08.079 is it helping you get there? 0:16:08.519 --> 0:16:11.079 So would you say that the inner critic is the 0:16:11.119 --> 0:16:13.199 same as intrusive thoughts? 0:16:13.879 --> 0:16:17.079 I'll answer that by explaining what intrusive thoughts are. So 0:16:18.479 --> 0:16:23.039 every single one of us has intrusive thoughts, right, intrusive thoughts. 0:16:23.919 --> 0:16:28.639 Many of our thoughts are automatic. We don't choose them, 0:16:28.879 --> 0:16:32.879 they pop into our head. Right, So if I'm walking 0:16:33.319 --> 0:16:35.319 down past the road and I see a cafe with 0:16:35.399 --> 0:16:37.879 some donuts, my brain will be like, ooh, yom donuts. 0:16:37.919 --> 0:16:40.839 I didn't choose to think that, My brain just thought it, right, 0:16:41.279 --> 0:16:45.279 So it's an automatic thought. A lot of our thoughts 0:16:45.319 --> 0:16:49.039 are automatic. We don't have control over their initial kind 0:16:49.119 --> 0:16:51.759 of being, but we can choose what we then do 0:16:51.839 --> 0:16:54.999 with them. Right, So we all have automatic thoughts. We 0:16:55.039 --> 0:17:01.599 all have intrusive thoughts. Okay, so intrusive thoughts are and 0:17:02.519 --> 0:17:04.879 listen out at home, because I'm sure everyone will have 0:17:04.919 --> 0:17:08.439 had them. Intrusive thoughts are these thoughts where we're walking 0:17:08.479 --> 0:17:13.439 down the street and something really weird and random pops 0:17:13.439 --> 0:17:16.839 into our head and we go, oh, my god, what 0:17:16.999 --> 0:17:19.319 the hell where did that just come from? So, for example, 0:17:19.519 --> 0:17:22.679 I'm walking down the street and I go, what if 0:17:22.719 --> 0:17:24.639 I just stepped out on the road in front of 0:17:24.679 --> 0:17:27.919 all this traffic? And I'm like, what on earth? Why 0:17:27.959 --> 0:17:29.879 did I think that? For I don't want to step 0:17:29.879 --> 0:17:32.039 out into the road in front of all the traffic. Thanks, 0:17:32.079 --> 0:17:34.639 I'm happy. You walk into work, Or we walk to 0:17:34.639 --> 0:17:36.879 the edge of the cliff and we go, what if 0:17:36.879 --> 0:17:39.399 I just jumped off this cliff. Or we're in the 0:17:39.479 --> 0:17:41.679 kitchen and there's a knife and we go, what if 0:17:41.679 --> 0:17:44.479 I just picked up this knife and stabbed my hand. Now, 0:17:44.999 --> 0:17:49.399 intrusive thoughts, we all have them, right, so most of 0:17:49.479 --> 0:17:53.319 us will go, whoa, what was that? That was strange? 0:17:54.079 --> 0:17:56.959 Put that aside and carry on, right, So I want 0:17:56.999 --> 0:18:01.919 to normalize intrusive thoughts happened to everyone for some of us, 0:18:02.359 --> 0:18:04.079 And this is where this is actually more kind of 0:18:04.159 --> 0:18:08.679 into the things like OCD. Some of us will notice 0:18:08.719 --> 0:18:12.479 that intrusive thought and go, oh, my goodness, why did 0:18:12.519 --> 0:18:16.479 I think that Maybe there's something in me that wants 0:18:16.519 --> 0:18:18.799 to do that or that wishes that to happen. Because 0:18:18.799 --> 0:18:20.839 we can have intrusive thoughts about other people, right, what 0:18:20.919 --> 0:18:22.719 if my mum's driving home from work and she gets 0:18:22.759 --> 0:18:25.479 hit by a car. So they're all these kind of 0:18:25.479 --> 0:18:28.399 they usually got this like harm element to them, and 0:18:28.599 --> 0:18:31.839 they're quite confronting for us to think, but they're often 0:18:31.919 --> 0:18:36.039 not congruent with how we feel or what we actually 0:18:36.119 --> 0:18:38.319 want in life. So it's important for us to be 0:18:38.319 --> 0:18:40.799 able to notice them and be like, well, no, no, 0:18:40.879 --> 0:18:43.799 thank you, put that out of head. Keep going. Now, 0:18:43.839 --> 0:18:48.239 in the context of the inner critic, the inner critic 0:18:48.399 --> 0:18:52.119 can be automatic, so those thoughts can automatically come in 0:18:52.159 --> 0:18:54.359 where the inner critic goes, god, you did a shit 0:18:54.439 --> 0:18:57.039 job at that, right, So we don't have too much 0:18:57.079 --> 0:19:00.319 control over that initial thought, but we can choose whether 0:19:00.399 --> 0:19:03.239 we then give it more weight and we think about 0:19:03.239 --> 0:19:05.279 it more and more we put it to the side. 0:19:05.559 --> 0:19:08.799 So is it kind of like do we act the 0:19:08.879 --> 0:19:11.759 same way, like how we respond to intrusive thoughts or 0:19:11.759 --> 0:19:14.119 intrusive thoughts? It's more of like, okay, put that away. 0:19:14.439 --> 0:19:16.599 In a critic do you feel like you need to 0:19:16.639 --> 0:19:18.319 work with it? More like I'm trying to figure out 0:19:18.359 --> 0:19:18.959 the difference. 0:19:19.879 --> 0:19:25.239 We want to question how much validity we give any 0:19:25.279 --> 0:19:27.879 thought that pops in our head, whether it's the thought 0:19:27.919 --> 0:19:29.919 that says, hey, you're standing near the edge of a cliff, 0:19:29.919 --> 0:19:32.479 what if you jumped off? Or hey, you're a shit 0:19:32.559 --> 0:19:35.519 person because you didn't say good morning to your friend, right. 0:19:35.879 --> 0:19:38.879 Any thought we have that's automatic that we don't choose. 0:19:39.079 --> 0:19:40.639 We want to be able to take that moment and 0:19:40.679 --> 0:19:44.119 be like, is this true, is this helpful? Is this 0:19:44.199 --> 0:19:46.519 something I should listen to, is it something I should 0:19:46.519 --> 0:19:49.519 think about more? Or is it not actually congruent with 0:19:49.599 --> 0:19:51.759 my experience of what's happening, in which case I want 0:19:51.759 --> 0:19:52.879 to try and put it to the side. 0:19:53.359 --> 0:19:55.839 It's really good that we're talking about intrusive thoughts too, 0:19:55.919 --> 0:19:58.799 because as you're talking about it, I'm like, oh, I've 0:19:58.799 --> 0:20:01.879 had intrusive thoughts, but it's just it's something that's popped up. 0:20:01.919 --> 0:20:05.279 But then you just you can't wigs you out a 0:20:05.279 --> 0:20:07.279 little bit because it literally comes out of nowhere. So 0:20:07.279 --> 0:20:09.279 it's good to know that that can be somewhat of 0:20:09.479 --> 0:20:11.719 a normal experience that people experience. 0:20:11.759 --> 0:20:12.399 It all the time. 0:20:12.559 --> 0:20:16.519 Absolutely, So, how does imposter syndrome flow into all of this? 0:20:17.639 --> 0:20:20.879 Imposter syndrome and the inner critic go hand in hand, right, 0:20:20.999 --> 0:20:27.119 This idea of the imposter syndrome is where we doubt ourselves, 0:20:27.199 --> 0:20:31.279 we doubt our ability, we doubt our capacity, we doubt 0:20:31.319 --> 0:20:34.839 our achievements, and we think we're not good enough. In fact, 0:20:34.999 --> 0:20:38.319 one of the most common inner critic, deep seated beliefs 0:20:38.399 --> 0:20:41.199 is the I'm not enough, I'm not good enough, And 0:20:41.279 --> 0:20:44.479 so imposter syndrome tells us you're not good enough for 0:20:44.519 --> 0:20:47.199