1 00:00:05,799 --> 00:00:08,519 Speaker 1: You're listening to a Mum with Mia podcast. 2 00:00:09,399 --> 00:00:12,239 Speaker 2: I have this constant feeling that everything is my fault 3 00:00:12,319 --> 00:00:15,399 Speaker 2: no matter what I do, I always blame myself for everything, 4 00:00:15,519 --> 00:00:17,279 Speaker 2: even if I have nothing to do with it. Did 5 00:00:17,279 --> 00:00:20,319 Speaker 2: you have a parent who never really apologized when they 6 00:00:20,319 --> 00:00:21,039 Speaker 2: made mistakes? 7 00:00:21,839 --> 00:00:22,079 Speaker 3: Yes? 8 00:00:22,319 --> 00:00:25,719 Speaker 1: What if a child never witnessed their parent apologize. 9 00:00:25,919 --> 00:00:28,919 Speaker 2: The child then internalizes that and says, well, then it 10 00:00:28,999 --> 00:00:30,359 Speaker 2: must be my fault. 11 00:00:33,079 --> 00:00:34,039 Speaker 1: For Mama Mia. 12 00:00:34,119 --> 00:00:37,879 Speaker 3: I'm your host, Ashani Dante. Welcome to But are you happy? 13 00:00:38,279 --> 00:00:41,639 Speaker 3: Because regulating your nervous system takes more than a macha 14 00:00:41,679 --> 00:00:42,359 Speaker 3: and a mantra? 15 00:00:42,599 --> 00:00:46,479 Speaker 4: And I'm doctor Anastagia hernis a clinical psychologist passionate about 16 00:00:46,519 --> 00:00:50,599 Speaker 4: happiness and mental health. A question for you listener. Do 17 00:00:50,719 --> 00:00:54,159 Speaker 4: you sometimes hear a voice in your head that says 18 00:00:54,479 --> 00:00:57,439 Speaker 4: mean things about you, things you would never say about 19 00:00:57,439 --> 00:00:58,479 Speaker 4: someone you cared about? 20 00:00:58,999 --> 00:01:02,639 Speaker 3: Oh that old chestnut I call my inner meaning Luke. 21 00:01:05,119 --> 00:01:07,639 Speaker 4: Look, most of us have this voice from time to time. 22 00:01:08,279 --> 00:01:10,719 Speaker 4: But when this voice starts to impact our mental health 23 00:01:10,839 --> 00:01:13,199 Speaker 4: or our quality of life, that's when we really need 24 00:01:13,199 --> 00:01:14,519 Speaker 4: to learn to quieten it down. 25 00:01:14,639 --> 00:01:17,119 Speaker 3: So you're going to tell us what's going on here, 26 00:01:17,199 --> 00:01:20,319 Speaker 3: right and how to make our looks a. 27 00:01:20,239 --> 00:01:21,799 Speaker 1: Little bit kinder to ourselves. 28 00:01:21,879 --> 00:01:29,479 Speaker 3: Right, yep, can't wait, let's get into it, okay. So, Anastasia, 29 00:01:29,919 --> 00:01:34,959 Speaker 3: the question I have is that inner critic voice isn't 30 00:01:35,079 --> 00:01:37,519 Speaker 3: all that bad? Like should we actually get rid of it? 31 00:01:37,839 --> 00:01:40,959 Speaker 4: My favorite first question, Yes and no, Like, yes, the 32 00:01:40,999 --> 00:01:46,519 Speaker 4: inner critic can be really destructive when we experience it 33 00:01:46,999 --> 00:01:51,239 Speaker 4: in excess, or when what it says to us is 34 00:01:51,359 --> 00:01:53,839 Speaker 4: really unhelpful. So there's kind of two things we want 35 00:01:53,839 --> 00:01:57,239 Speaker 4: to look at here. How much we experience the inner critic, 36 00:01:57,319 --> 00:02:00,359 Speaker 4: how often it comes up into our head, how often 37 00:02:00,399 --> 00:02:03,039 Speaker 4: it talks to us, how loudly it talks to us, right, 38 00:02:03,079 --> 00:02:06,479 Speaker 4: So the kind of intensity and frequency of it. But 39 00:02:06,519 --> 00:02:09,039 Speaker 4: then we also want to look at the content of 40 00:02:09,039 --> 00:02:12,559 Speaker 4: what it says. Sometimes the inner critic might say things 41 00:02:12,959 --> 00:02:15,599 Speaker 4: that gives us a bit of a push or a nudge. 42 00:02:15,879 --> 00:02:18,119 Speaker 4: You know, if you're studying for a UNI assessment and 43 00:02:18,159 --> 00:02:20,319 Speaker 4: it's like, well, you didn't get a great mark because 44 00:02:20,319 --> 00:02:22,279 Speaker 4: you didn't really study that hard. Maybe next time you 45 00:02:22,279 --> 00:02:24,879 Speaker 4: should try a bit harder. It's probably some truth to that, 46 00:02:25,319 --> 00:02:27,999 Speaker 4: and that could actually be helpful and useful for us. 47 00:02:28,199 --> 00:02:30,799 Speaker 4: So we've got to really examine the usefulness of the 48 00:02:30,879 --> 00:02:34,479 Speaker 4: content along with how frequently we experience that inner critic. 49 00:02:35,279 --> 00:02:37,439 Speaker 3: I really love that because also when we think of 50 00:02:37,479 --> 00:02:39,359 Speaker 3: an acritic, we often just want to like push it 51 00:02:39,399 --> 00:02:41,239 Speaker 3: away and not listen to it at all. But what 52 00:02:41,319 --> 00:02:44,799 Speaker 3: I'm hearing is that we actually should be curious about 53 00:02:44,799 --> 00:02:46,399 Speaker 3: it because it's telling us more right. 54 00:02:46,799 --> 00:02:51,479 Speaker 4: Absolutely, And the reality is, try as we might, we 55 00:02:51,519 --> 00:02:53,919 Speaker 4: will never fully get rid of an inner critic. We're 56 00:02:54,039 --> 00:02:57,359 Speaker 4: all always going to have an inner critic. So part 57 00:02:57,399 --> 00:02:59,839 Speaker 4: of the challenge for us is to get comfortable with 58 00:02:59,879 --> 00:03:02,239 Speaker 4: that fact and to be able to tone it down 59 00:03:02,279 --> 00:03:05,359 Speaker 4: and moderate it. But it serves a function. It does 60 00:03:05,439 --> 00:03:08,319 Speaker 4: exist to give us a bit of a sort of 61 00:03:08,919 --> 00:03:12,039 Speaker 4: moral framework and compass right, to let us know when 62 00:03:12,039 --> 00:03:13,879 Speaker 4: we think we've done the wrong thing or we should 63 00:03:13,919 --> 00:03:16,359 Speaker 4: have done something better than what we did, and to 64 00:03:16,439 --> 00:03:17,999 Speaker 4: be a bit of a guide in life to give 65 00:03:18,039 --> 00:03:20,639 Speaker 4: us that feedback that we sometimes need to hear. So 66 00:03:20,799 --> 00:03:22,999 Speaker 4: it's always going to exist for that purpose. 67 00:03:24,239 --> 00:03:26,199 Speaker 3: And I guess, like with that, when you said that 68 00:03:26,199 --> 00:03:30,239 Speaker 3: there's different types of the inner critic, what are some 69 00:03:30,319 --> 00:03:34,399 Speaker 3: other ways that we can really label like the different types. 70 00:03:34,799 --> 00:03:37,399 Speaker 4: So I'm going to break it down into three types 71 00:03:37,559 --> 00:03:41,759 Speaker 4: of inner critics, and listeners out there follow along and 72 00:03:41,799 --> 00:03:44,679 Speaker 4: see if you can identify your inner critic and what 73 00:03:44,759 --> 00:03:48,999 Speaker 4: type it might fall into. First type is what we 74 00:03:49,159 --> 00:03:53,039 Speaker 4: call a demanding in a critic. Now, this is the 75 00:03:53,159 --> 00:03:57,079 Speaker 4: type of inner critic that puts pressure on us. When 76 00:03:57,119 --> 00:04:00,359 Speaker 4: we have this inner critic, we feel pressure. We feel 77 00:04:00,359 --> 00:04:04,119 Speaker 4: that push feeling, and it sounds like a lot of 78 00:04:04,639 --> 00:04:08,119 Speaker 4: should you should do better, you should try harder, you 79 00:04:08,159 --> 00:04:10,399 Speaker 4: should have known better, you shouldn't have got such a 80 00:04:10,399 --> 00:04:13,039 Speaker 4: bad mark, you should have got that promotion. Right. It's 81 00:04:13,079 --> 00:04:17,279 Speaker 4: that feeling of forward pressure. But pressure can sometimes feel 82 00:04:17,319 --> 00:04:21,199 Speaker 4: crippling as well. Right, So the demanding in a critic 83 00:04:21,439 --> 00:04:24,399 Speaker 4: pushes us. Sometimes it pushes us a bit too hard 84 00:04:24,679 --> 00:04:27,879 Speaker 4: and a bit too much. If we have this type 85 00:04:27,919 --> 00:04:32,199 Speaker 4: of inner critic in and of itself, it's fundamentally not bad. 86 00:04:32,759 --> 00:04:35,159 Speaker 4: But if we experience it in excess, we want to 87 00:04:35,159 --> 00:04:37,719 Speaker 4: be able to turn down the volume and tone it 88 00:04:37,759 --> 00:04:40,319 Speaker 4: down a little bit if we're feeling like it's too overwhelming. 89 00:04:40,799 --> 00:04:42,319 Speaker 1: Right, Okay, so that's demanding. 90 00:04:43,119 --> 00:04:43,959 Speaker 4: So that's first type. 91 00:04:44,039 --> 00:04:45,079 Speaker 1: Okay, first type. 92 00:04:45,479 --> 00:04:50,759 Speaker 4: Next type is what we call a punitive in a critic. Now, 93 00:04:50,799 --> 00:04:54,399 Speaker 4: this looks and feels very different. If we have a 94 00:04:54,479 --> 00:04:59,399 Speaker 4: punitive in a critic, we feel squashed, right, and the 95 00:04:59,519 --> 00:05:03,279 Speaker 4: punitive in a critic sounds very different. It sounds like 96 00:05:04,319 --> 00:05:07,079 Speaker 4: you're you're a terrible person, You're worthless. No one's ever 97 00:05:07,119 --> 00:05:09,599 Speaker 4: going to love you, everyone will leave you your shit, why 98 00:05:09,679 --> 00:05:12,359 Speaker 4: even bother. You'll never get anything right in your life. 99 00:05:13,159 --> 00:05:16,199 Speaker 4: So it's a real squashed feeling. It doesn't push us 100 00:05:16,279 --> 00:05:18,919 Speaker 4: forward like the demanding in a critic does. It squashes 101 00:05:18,999 --> 00:05:22,279 Speaker 4: us down and it makes us feel shit about ourselves. 102 00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:26,719 Speaker 4: When we have a punitive in a critic that doesn't 103 00:05:26,759 --> 00:05:31,279 Speaker 4: serve any functional purpose. There's nothing useful or helpful about 104 00:05:31,319 --> 00:05:34,199 Speaker 4: having that style of in a critic. And so in 105 00:05:34,239 --> 00:05:36,479 Speaker 4: the therapy room, if I'm working with someone who's got 106 00:05:36,519 --> 00:05:38,799 Speaker 4: a punitive in a critic, our goal is to get 107 00:05:38,919 --> 00:05:41,759 Speaker 4: rid of it. We don't want it around. It's not helpful, 108 00:05:41,799 --> 00:05:42,599 Speaker 4: it's not useful. 109 00:05:43,159 --> 00:05:43,599 Speaker 1: Okay. 110 00:05:43,839 --> 00:05:46,679 Speaker 3: It's so if we look at the difference so far, 111 00:05:46,919 --> 00:05:50,079 Speaker 3: so is that does that mean like the demanding it's 112 00:05:50,159 --> 00:05:55,119 Speaker 3: more action orientated, whereas the punitive's more like internal criticism? 113 00:05:55,519 --> 00:05:57,239 Speaker 3: Or how would you like discern between the two. 114 00:05:57,559 --> 00:06:00,359 Speaker 4: That's that's the difference. That one is functional and one 115 00:06:00,439 --> 00:06:02,759 Speaker 4: is not. So the demanding in a critic can be 116 00:06:02,839 --> 00:06:05,199 Speaker 4: functional because it can motivate us. It can push us. 117 00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:08,119 Speaker 4: It can give us feedback when we've done something wrong 118 00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:10,039 Speaker 4: and we need to correct it, you know, so, it 119 00:06:10,079 --> 00:06:12,879 Speaker 4: can motivate us towards action when we've got it in 120 00:06:12,919 --> 00:06:16,199 Speaker 4: the right degree. The punitive one, if I'm telling myself 121 00:06:16,239 --> 00:06:18,959 Speaker 4: that I'm a terrible, worthless person, I don't feel like 122 00:06:18,999 --> 00:06:21,839 Speaker 4: getting up and being motivated to do things. I feel 123 00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:24,159 Speaker 4: like lying in bed, and I probably feel pretty awful 124 00:06:24,159 --> 00:06:28,679 Speaker 4: about myself. The third is what we call a guilt 125 00:06:28,679 --> 00:06:32,799 Speaker 4: inducing in a critic. This is the inner critic that 126 00:06:32,959 --> 00:06:37,039 Speaker 4: makes you feel riddled with guilt even when you shouldn't 127 00:06:37,079 --> 00:06:40,039 Speaker 4: feel guilty, even when you haven't done anything wrong. So 128 00:06:40,039 --> 00:06:42,199 Speaker 4: I'm going to throw back to the exit we heard 129 00:06:42,239 --> 00:06:44,399 Speaker 4: at the start where that girl was like, I see 130 00:06:44,399 --> 00:06:46,279 Speaker 4: someone walk down the street and fall down, and I 131 00:06:46,319 --> 00:06:48,319 Speaker 4: feel guilty and bad about it, like it was my 132 00:06:48,399 --> 00:06:51,959 Speaker 4: fault even though it's clearly not. The guilt inducing in 133 00:06:51,999 --> 00:06:55,839 Speaker 4: a critic is the one that tells us we're selfish. 134 00:06:56,119 --> 00:06:59,239 Speaker 4: We should care about other people more. Why didn't we 135 00:06:59,279 --> 00:07:02,079 Speaker 4: look after others? If we say no to going to 136 00:07:02,519 --> 00:07:05,319 Speaker 4: our parents' house for lunch this weekend. We feel really 137 00:07:05,399 --> 00:07:08,399 Speaker 4: bad about saying. No one really guilty about it. So 138 00:07:08,439 --> 00:07:10,879 Speaker 4: that guilt inducing in a critic. Again, we can have 139 00:07:10,959 --> 00:07:14,319 Speaker 4: it in excess. Sometimes it's useful to feel guilty, but 140 00:07:14,399 --> 00:07:17,839 Speaker 4: if someone's got this style of inner critic, they're probably 141 00:07:17,879 --> 00:07:21,679 Speaker 4: feeling it way too much and in circumstances that don't 142 00:07:21,719 --> 00:07:23,039 Speaker 4: warrant them feeling guilty. 143 00:07:23,519 --> 00:07:26,199 Speaker 3: It's really funny because now that you've spoken about all three, 144 00:07:26,439 --> 00:07:28,439 Speaker 3: I'm just like, I feel like I've got all three? 145 00:07:28,759 --> 00:07:29,719 Speaker 1: Is that a bad thing? 146 00:07:30,159 --> 00:07:32,799 Speaker 4: Well, it's it's it's not ideal. 147 00:07:33,039 --> 00:07:38,279 Speaker 3: Okay, Well it's a therapy, guys, but. 148 00:07:38,639 --> 00:07:41,999 Speaker 4: It's common, right, It's common for people to have combinations. 149 00:07:42,479 --> 00:07:44,719 Speaker 4: It's some people might be listening and think, okay, I've 150 00:07:44,719 --> 00:07:46,439 Speaker 4: only got that one. Other people will be like, I 151 00:07:46,479 --> 00:07:48,719 Speaker 4: can see combinations of all of them. And that's not 152 00:07:48,759 --> 00:07:50,559 Speaker 4: an uncommon experience for people to have. 153 00:07:50,839 --> 00:07:54,799 Speaker 3: Okay, So where does the inner critic come from? 154 00:07:55,199 --> 00:07:58,759 Speaker 4: We're not born naturally with an inner critic, right, We 155 00:07:58,799 --> 00:08:02,599 Speaker 4: don't come out of the womb hating on ourselves. It's 156 00:08:02,639 --> 00:08:06,799 Speaker 4: something we develop throughout our life. Life. The inner critic 157 00:08:06,999 --> 00:08:11,559 Speaker 4: is first formed during our early childhood years through those 158 00:08:11,599 --> 00:08:15,199 Speaker 4: formative years, and it's very much influenced by the messages 159 00:08:15,239 --> 00:08:18,919 Speaker 4: that we hear from people around us. Now, they might 160 00:08:18,959 --> 00:08:22,279 Speaker 4: be messages that are modeled to us, or they might 161 00:08:22,319 --> 00:08:27,679 Speaker 4: be messages that we are told directly. So if you know, 162 00:08:27,759 --> 00:08:31,039 Speaker 4: little Sally goes to school and she comes home from 163 00:08:31,119 --> 00:08:34,079 Speaker 4: school and she's like, I got ninety five out of 164 00:08:34,079 --> 00:08:36,599 Speaker 4: one hundred in my maths test, and Mum and dad 165 00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:38,279 Speaker 4: say to her, well, what the hell happened to the 166 00:08:38,319 --> 00:08:42,559 Speaker 4: other five percent, little Sally's going to start to develop 167 00:08:42,599 --> 00:08:46,439 Speaker 4: an inner critic that says, I should always be doing better. 168 00:08:46,559 --> 00:08:48,639 Speaker 4: Nothing I do is good enough. I can't even get 169 00:08:48,719 --> 00:08:50,959 Speaker 4: ninety five. That's not good enough. Only one hundred is 170 00:08:50,959 --> 00:08:53,239 Speaker 4: good enough. So we start to internalize That would be 171 00:08:53,239 --> 00:08:55,679 Speaker 4: an example of a demanding inner critic that starts to 172 00:08:55,719 --> 00:08:59,959 Speaker 4: develop if from a young age we hear messages where 173 00:08:59,999 --> 00:09:04,079 Speaker 4: we are invalidated, where our experiences are invalidated, where we're 174 00:09:04,119 --> 00:09:08,279 Speaker 4: told you're a bad child for behaving that particular way. Right, 175 00:09:08,319 --> 00:09:11,839 Speaker 4: when terms like good and bad use towards children, they 176 00:09:11,839 --> 00:09:14,559 Speaker 4: can also start to develop that in a critic. But 177 00:09:14,599 --> 00:09:17,279 Speaker 4: it's not just what message is told to us as kids. 178 00:09:17,319 --> 00:09:20,879 Speaker 4: It's also what we see modeled. So if I'm growing 179 00:09:20,999 --> 00:09:25,839 Speaker 4: up and I see that every time Mum, I don't know, 180 00:09:26,319 --> 00:09:28,919 Speaker 4: makes a wrong turn when she's driving the car, and 181 00:09:28,959 --> 00:09:31,799 Speaker 4: she goes, gosh, I'm such an idiot. Why did I 182 00:09:31,879 --> 00:09:33,839 Speaker 4: do that? I always stuff up for I can never 183 00:09:33,879 --> 00:09:37,759 Speaker 4: get anything right. We see other peoples in a critic 184 00:09:37,799 --> 00:09:39,959 Speaker 4: coming to the forefront, and we also then start to 185 00:09:40,039 --> 00:09:42,679 Speaker 4: internalize if I take a wrong turn when I drive, 186 00:09:42,999 --> 00:09:44,879 Speaker 4: I must be an idiot as well, because that's what 187 00:09:44,999 --> 00:09:47,359 Speaker 4: Mum said. Right now, All this happens on a very 188 00:09:47,639 --> 00:09:52,879 Speaker 4: subconscious level. But if we add another layer of society 189 00:09:52,999 --> 00:09:57,159 Speaker 4: to that, society and culture also give us messages about 190 00:09:57,239 --> 00:10:01,799 Speaker 4: what is or isn't quote unquote good or bad behavior right. 191 00:10:02,039 --> 00:10:04,959 Speaker 4: Society in our culture tells us how we should be 192 00:10:04,959 --> 00:10:07,559 Speaker 4: in the world, and if we don't fit that mold, 193 00:10:08,159 --> 00:10:10,159 Speaker 4: we develop inner criticisms around it. 194 00:10:10,959 --> 00:10:13,039 Speaker 3: There really is so many layers to it, isn't it 195 00:10:13,079 --> 00:10:15,319 Speaker 3: when you actually unpack it like that as well? And 196 00:10:15,359 --> 00:10:18,079 Speaker 3: I think it's it's interesting we're talking about, you know, 197 00:10:18,119 --> 00:10:19,879 Speaker 3: a lot of the things that shaped you when you 198 00:10:19,919 --> 00:10:21,959 Speaker 3: were a child, and I know that's been a theme 199 00:10:21,999 --> 00:10:24,319 Speaker 3: throughout a lot of the episodes, and I feel like 200 00:10:25,359 --> 00:10:29,199 Speaker 3: it's very easy to blame our family, right, being like, Oh, 201 00:10:29,279 --> 00:10:31,719 Speaker 3: if you didn't say that thing, I wouldn't be like this. 202 00:10:31,839 --> 00:10:33,719 Speaker 3: And I think it's probably later in life, when we're 203 00:10:33,719 --> 00:10:36,479 Speaker 3: a little bit older, that we build our awareness. But 204 00:10:36,519 --> 00:10:39,759 Speaker 3: I think also it's remembering that, you know, our parents 205 00:10:39,799 --> 00:10:42,079 Speaker 3: are human too, and they're doing the best that they 206 00:10:42,119 --> 00:10:44,879 Speaker 3: can with the capacity that they have, right, So it's like, 207 00:10:45,359 --> 00:10:47,439 Speaker 3: how do we balance it all out when we do 208 00:10:47,719 --> 00:10:50,759 Speaker 3: find the source of why we're being so mean to ourselves? 209 00:10:51,119 --> 00:10:53,479 Speaker 4: And I think you make a good point there, because 210 00:10:53,519 --> 00:10:58,319 Speaker 4: it's never one isolated experience, right. It's not because Mum 211 00:10:58,439 --> 00:11:00,519 Speaker 4: said that one time. Oh I'm such an idiot? Why 212 00:11:00,519 --> 00:11:02,719 Speaker 4: did I do that? That we internalize that. It's when 213 00:11:02,759 --> 00:11:06,279 Speaker 4: we see these patterns through our life, or patterns in 214 00:11:06,319 --> 00:11:09,599 Speaker 4: the people or the culture around us that give us 215 00:11:09,639 --> 00:11:13,279 Speaker 4: these really strong messages about what is or isn't acceptable, 216 00:11:13,559 --> 00:11:16,039 Speaker 4: that we then really internalize those patterns. 217 00:11:16,319 --> 00:11:18,319 Speaker 3: Yeah. And it's interesting too because with a lot of 218 00:11:18,319 --> 00:11:20,639 Speaker 3: the workshops I around with teenage girls, one of the 219 00:11:20,639 --> 00:11:22,959 Speaker 3: first things we do get them to do is in 220 00:11:23,079 --> 00:11:25,439 Speaker 3: order to build self awareness. It's been able to discern 221 00:11:25,559 --> 00:11:28,599 Speaker 3: you know, where did these negative thoughts come from? And 222 00:11:28,719 --> 00:11:30,479 Speaker 3: you know, a lot of the time girls are saying 223 00:11:30,519 --> 00:11:33,799 Speaker 3: things like, oh, society tells us we need to, you know, 224 00:11:33,999 --> 00:11:36,799 Speaker 3: have it all together, be perfect, but don't be too perfect, 225 00:11:36,879 --> 00:11:39,719 Speaker 3: and you've got to be slim thick, and they break 226 00:11:39,719 --> 00:11:42,159 Speaker 3: it all down. It's the same narrative I hear all 227 00:11:42,199 --> 00:11:45,439 Speaker 3: the time, and it breaks my heart, like thinking about 228 00:11:45,479 --> 00:11:47,679 Speaker 3: it because it's just, oh, I'm getting emotional. 229 00:11:47,839 --> 00:11:49,159 Speaker 1: I don't know if we're going to cut this out, 230 00:11:49,279 --> 00:11:50,799 Speaker 1: but it's something. 231 00:11:50,639 --> 00:11:53,879 Speaker 3: I'm really passionate about because they feel really deflated, you know, 232 00:11:54,119 --> 00:11:57,999 Speaker 3: they feel disempowered, they feel trapped because that's just how 233 00:11:58,039 --> 00:12:00,599 Speaker 3: they've grown up, that's just what they've seen. And it's 234 00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:03,119 Speaker 3: really coming back to a lot of the tools that 235 00:12:03,159 --> 00:12:05,639 Speaker 3: we've been you know, weaving through all the episodes. It's like, 236 00:12:05,679 --> 00:12:07,559 Speaker 3: at the end of the day, what can we control? 237 00:12:07,639 --> 00:12:12,439 Speaker 3: And it is our self empowerment and our environment as well. 238 00:12:12,759 --> 00:12:16,399 Speaker 4: Yeah, And the unfortunate thing is that kids and teens 239 00:12:16,559 --> 00:12:19,759 Speaker 4: don't yet have the skills to be able to really 240 00:12:20,759 --> 00:12:24,559 Speaker 4: fact check their inner critic, right, they just believe it. Well, 241 00:12:24,599 --> 00:12:26,879 Speaker 4: you know, as kids and teenagers, we don't have that 242 00:12:27,639 --> 00:12:30,319 Speaker 4: cognitive capacity. Yet like we do as adults, we can 243 00:12:30,399 --> 00:12:32,599 Speaker 4: take that step back and really kind of examine our 244 00:12:32,599 --> 00:12:37,119 Speaker 4: inner critic from a really critical lens, But as kids, 245 00:12:37,159 --> 00:12:39,119 Speaker 4: we don't yet have that ability developed. 246 00:12:39,399 --> 00:12:44,719 Speaker 3: Yeah, I agree, and I think it all exists in conversations, right. 247 00:12:44,759 --> 00:12:46,919 Speaker 3: It's only once we have the courage to have these 248 00:12:46,959 --> 00:12:49,719 Speaker 3: conversations know that we're not alone, because what we're getting 249 00:12:49,839 --> 00:12:52,359 Speaker 3: is that we all haven't in a critic, and it's 250 00:12:52,399 --> 00:12:54,319 Speaker 3: around how do we learn to work with it. 251 00:12:54,479 --> 00:12:56,879 Speaker 4: I've seen so many people come to the clinic who 252 00:12:56,959 --> 00:13:02,159 Speaker 4: have that loud, debilitating in a critic and you would 253 00:13:02,239 --> 00:13:05,999 Speaker 4: not pick it looking at them from the outside. I 254 00:13:06,039 --> 00:13:09,719 Speaker 4: have people who come to the clinic. They're lawyers and 255 00:13:09,759 --> 00:13:14,239 Speaker 4: their judges and their CEOs, and they're you know, also 256 00:13:14,359 --> 00:13:17,639 Speaker 4: their public figures. They're in sorts of work. I guess 257 00:13:17,639 --> 00:13:20,679 Speaker 4: that requires them to be very front facing and have 258 00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:24,719 Speaker 4: a confidence to them when they carry out the skill 259 00:13:24,759 --> 00:13:27,279 Speaker 4: set they're required to do in their career. And if 260 00:13:27,279 --> 00:13:29,319 Speaker 4: you looked at them from the outside, you would not 261 00:13:29,479 --> 00:13:33,639 Speaker 4: pick that they had this really strong inner critic, because 262 00:13:33,639 --> 00:13:38,639 Speaker 4: it is something that some people can hide from the 263 00:13:38,679 --> 00:13:41,479 Speaker 4: outside world. So exactly to your point, we don't know 264 00:13:41,519 --> 00:13:43,919 Speaker 4: what someone else's inner critic is saying to them. We 265 00:13:43,999 --> 00:13:47,079 Speaker 4: do sometimes meet people on the flip side where we 266 00:13:47,159 --> 00:13:50,439 Speaker 4: can hear their inner critic. They literally say out loud, 267 00:13:50,479 --> 00:13:52,239 Speaker 4: oh no, I'm so sorry I did that wrong. I 268 00:13:52,279 --> 00:13:54,319 Speaker 4: was such a bad friend. I should have called you, 269 00:13:54,359 --> 00:13:56,159 Speaker 4: I didn't call you enough, and were like, well, stop, 270 00:13:56,199 --> 00:13:58,839 Speaker 4: it's okay. You know, some people will literally talk out 271 00:13:58,839 --> 00:14:02,079 Speaker 4: there in a critic. Other people will mask it really 272 00:14:02,199 --> 00:14:04,879 Speaker 4: really well. But what we can see it's sort of 273 00:14:05,039 --> 00:14:09,479 Speaker 4: manifest as in terms of behaviors, is chronic depression. So 274 00:14:09,639 --> 00:14:13,559 Speaker 4: people who have a very loud and particularly punitive in a. 275 00:14:13,559 --> 00:14:15,519 Speaker 1: Critic that is washing one. 276 00:14:15,559 --> 00:14:18,959 Speaker 4: That's the squashing one. Yep. That's really hard to manage 277 00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:21,199 Speaker 4: in the long run, and it is very much correlated 278 00:14:21,239 --> 00:14:25,039 Speaker 4: with having long standing depression, but also low self esteem. 279 00:14:25,359 --> 00:14:27,479 Speaker 4: If we have a little voice in our head telling 280 00:14:27,519 --> 00:14:30,079 Speaker 4: us every day how terrible we are, we're not going 281 00:14:30,159 --> 00:14:32,399 Speaker 4: to feel particularly good about ourselves. 282 00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:38,519 Speaker 3: And do you have any like examples of any clients 283 00:14:38,519 --> 00:14:42,039 Speaker 3: you've worked with recently, obviously like keeping confidentiality and everything 284 00:14:42,159 --> 00:14:44,159 Speaker 3: like that, of like what you worked on. 285 00:14:45,279 --> 00:14:48,439 Speaker 4: Yes, honestly, it's one of the most common things that 286 00:14:48,519 --> 00:14:51,959 Speaker 4: we do in therapy, and so I'm thinking about, you know, 287 00:14:52,519 --> 00:14:55,599 Speaker 4: clients that I've seen recently, where I mean, part of 288 00:14:55,599 --> 00:14:57,919 Speaker 4: the work we do is unpack, firstly, what is your 289 00:14:57,919 --> 00:15:00,159 Speaker 4: inner critics saying to you, so we can identify what 290 00:15:00,199 --> 00:15:02,199 Speaker 4: type of inner critic have you got? What is the 291 00:15:02,199 --> 00:15:05,199 Speaker 4: inner critics saying? And so I'm thinking of someone I 292 00:15:05,239 --> 00:15:08,559 Speaker 4: worked with who was in sort of corporate sort of space, 293 00:15:09,039 --> 00:15:11,839 Speaker 4: and they were really great at their job, but they 294 00:15:11,879 --> 00:15:14,599 Speaker 4: worked excessively long hours. They would come home at the 295 00:15:14,679 --> 00:15:16,919 Speaker 4: end of the night and still tell themselves I haven't 296 00:15:16,959 --> 00:15:19,159 Speaker 4: done enough. I'm not going to get that promotion. I'm 297 00:15:19,199 --> 00:15:21,719 Speaker 4: doing a terrible job. Other people are doing better than me. 298 00:15:22,319 --> 00:15:25,279 Speaker 4: Why am I not able to achieve the things I want? 299 00:15:25,279 --> 00:15:27,279 Speaker 4: Why don't I have enough energy? Why can't I seem 300 00:15:27,319 --> 00:15:31,519 Speaker 4: to do all these things? Right? Just really really harsh, demanding, 301 00:15:32,039 --> 00:15:35,599 Speaker 4: but flavors of punitive as well, right, And so it 302 00:15:35,679 --> 00:15:38,039 Speaker 4: was really about us trying to understand what's your inner 303 00:15:38,039 --> 00:15:41,639 Speaker 4: critics saying to you? And is it helpful? Like, if 304 00:15:41,719 --> 00:15:45,439 Speaker 4: your goal is to get that promotion at work, is 305 00:15:45,559 --> 00:15:48,519 Speaker 4: the inner critic actually helping you get there? Or is 306 00:15:48,559 --> 00:15:52,079 Speaker 4: it making you feel exhausted and terrible about yourself so 307 00:15:52,119 --> 00:15:54,279 Speaker 4: that when you go home, you can't sleep, you don't 308 00:15:54,319 --> 00:15:58,039 Speaker 4: eat much, you know, perpetuate the cycle of exhaustion, and 309 00:15:58,079 --> 00:16:00,919 Speaker 4: then you probably don't get the promotion that you're after. Like, 310 00:16:01,159 --> 00:16:04,799 Speaker 4: is it actually helping you get where it wants you 311 00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:06,879 Speaker 4: to go? Because it's pushing you in a direction, but 312 00:16:06,959 --> 00:16:08,079 Speaker 4: is it helping you get there? 313 00:16:08,519 --> 00:16:11,079 Speaker 3: So would you say that the inner critic is the 314 00:16:11,119 --> 00:16:13,199 Speaker 3: same as intrusive thoughts? 315 00:16:13,879 --> 00:16:17,079 Speaker 4: I'll answer that by explaining what intrusive thoughts are. So 316 00:16:18,479 --> 00:16:23,039 Speaker 4: every single one of us has intrusive thoughts, right, intrusive thoughts. 317 00:16:23,919 --> 00:16:28,639 Speaker 4: Many of our thoughts are automatic. We don't choose them, 318 00:16:28,879 --> 00:16:32,879 Speaker 4: they pop into our head. Right, So if I'm walking 319 00:16:33,319 --> 00:16:35,319 Speaker 4: down past the road and I see a cafe with 320 00:16:35,399 --> 00:16:37,879 Speaker 4: some donuts, my brain will be like, ooh, yom donuts. 321 00:16:37,919 --> 00:16:40,839 Speaker 4: I didn't choose to think that, My brain just thought it, right, 322 00:16:41,279 --> 00:16:45,279 Speaker 4: So it's an automatic thought. A lot of our thoughts 323 00:16:45,319 --> 00:16:49,039 Speaker 4: are automatic. We don't have control over their initial kind 324 00:16:49,119 --> 00:16:51,759 Speaker 4: of being, but we can choose what we then do 325 00:16:51,839 --> 00:16:54,999 Speaker 4: with them. Right, So we all have automatic thoughts. We 326 00:16:55,039 --> 00:17:01,599 Speaker 4: all have intrusive thoughts. Okay, so intrusive thoughts are and 327 00:17:02,519 --> 00:17:04,879 Speaker 4: listen out at home, because I'm sure everyone will have 328 00:17:04,919 --> 00:17:08,439 Speaker 4: had them. Intrusive thoughts are these thoughts where we're walking 329 00:17:08,479 --> 00:17:13,439 Speaker 4: down the street and something really weird and random pops 330 00:17:13,439 --> 00:17:16,839 Speaker 4: into our head and we go, oh, my god, what 331 00:17:16,999 --> 00:17:19,319 Speaker 4: the hell where did that just come from? So, for example, 332 00:17:19,519 --> 00:17:22,679 Speaker 4: I'm walking down the street and I go, what if 333 00:17:22,719 --> 00:17:24,639 Speaker 4: I just stepped out on the road in front of 334 00:17:24,679 --> 00:17:27,919 Speaker 4: all this traffic? And I'm like, what on earth? Why 335 00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:29,879 Speaker 4: did I think that? For I don't want to step 336 00:17:29,879 --> 00:17:32,039 Speaker 4: out into the road in front of all the traffic. Thanks, 337 00:17:32,079 --> 00:17:34,639 Speaker 4: I'm happy. You walk into work, Or we walk to 338 00:17:34,639 --> 00:17:36,879 Speaker 4: the edge of the cliff and we go, what if 339 00:17:36,879 --> 00:17:39,399 Speaker 4: I just jumped off this cliff. Or we're in the 340 00:17:39,479 --> 00:17:41,679 Speaker 4: kitchen and there's a knife and we go, what if 341 00:17:41,679 --> 00:17:44,479 Speaker 4: I just picked up this knife and stabbed my hand. Now, 342 00:17:44,999 --> 00:17:49,399 Speaker 4: intrusive thoughts, we all have them, right, so most of 343 00:17:49,479 --> 00:17:53,319 Speaker 4: us will go, whoa, what was that? That was strange? 344 00:17:54,079 --> 00:17:56,959 Speaker 4: Put that aside and carry on, right, So I want 345 00:17:56,999 --> 00:18:01,919 Speaker 4: to normalize intrusive thoughts happened to everyone for some of us, 346 00:18:02,359 --> 00:18:04,079 Speaker 4: And this is where this is actually more kind of 347 00:18:04,159 --> 00:18:08,679 Speaker 4: into the things like OCD. Some of us will notice 348 00:18:08,719 --> 00:18:12,479 Speaker 4: that intrusive thought and go, oh, my goodness, why did 349 00:18:12,519 --> 00:18:16,479 Speaker 4: I think that Maybe there's something in me that wants 350 00:18:16,519 --> 00:18:18,799 Speaker 4: to do that or that wishes that to happen. Because 351 00:18:18,799 --> 00:18:20,839 Speaker 4: we can have intrusive thoughts about other people, right, what 352 00:18:20,919 --> 00:18:22,719 Speaker 4: if my mum's driving home from work and she gets 353 00:18:22,759 --> 00:18:25,479 Speaker 4: hit by a car. So they're all these kind of 354 00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:28,399 Speaker 4: they usually got this like harm element to them, and 355 00:18:28,599 --> 00:18:31,839 Speaker 4: they're quite confronting for us to think, but they're often 356 00:18:31,919 --> 00:18:36,039 Speaker 4: not congruent with how we feel or what we actually 357 00:18:36,119 --> 00:18:38,319 Speaker 4: want in life. So it's important for us to be 358 00:18:38,319 --> 00:18:40,799 Speaker 4: able to notice them and be like, well, no, no, 359 00:18:40,879 --> 00:18:43,799 Speaker 4: thank you, put that out of head. Keep going. Now, 360 00:18:43,839 --> 00:18:48,239 Speaker 4: in the context of the inner critic, the inner critic 361 00:18:48,399 --> 00:18:52,119 Speaker 4: can be automatic, so those thoughts can automatically come in 362 00:18:52,159 --> 00:18:54,359 Speaker 4: where the inner critic goes, god, you did a shit 363 00:18:54,439 --> 00:18:57,039 Speaker 4: job at that, right, So we don't have too much 364 00:18:57,079 --> 00:19:00,319 Speaker 4: control over that initial thought, but we can choose whether 365 00:19:00,399 --> 00:19:03,239 Speaker 4: we then give it more weight and we think about 366 00:19:03,239 --> 00:19:05,279 Speaker 4: it more and more we put it to the side. 367 00:19:05,559 --> 00:19:08,799 Speaker 3: So is it kind of like do we act the 368 00:19:08,879 --> 00:19:11,759 Speaker 3: same way, like how we respond to intrusive thoughts or 369 00:19:11,759 --> 00:19:14,119 Speaker 3: intrusive thoughts? It's more of like, okay, put that away. 370 00:19:14,439 --> 00:19:16,599 Speaker 3: In a critic do you feel like you need to 371 00:19:16,639 --> 00:19:18,319 Speaker 3: work with it? More like I'm trying to figure out 372 00:19:18,359 --> 00:19:18,959 Speaker 3: the difference. 373 00:19:19,879 --> 00:19:25,239 Speaker 4: We want to question how much validity we give any 374 00:19:25,279 --> 00:19:27,879 Speaker 4: thought that pops in our head, whether it's the thought 375 00:19:27,919 --> 00:19:29,919 Speaker 4: that says, hey, you're standing near the edge of a cliff, 376 00:19:29,919 --> 00:19:32,479 Speaker 4: what if you jumped off? Or hey, you're a shit 377 00:19:32,559 --> 00:19:35,519 Speaker 4: person because you didn't say good morning to your friend, right. 378 00:19:35,879 --> 00:19:38,879 Speaker 4: Any thought we have that's automatic that we don't choose. 379 00:19:39,079 --> 00:19:40,639 Speaker 4: We want to be able to take that moment and 380 00:19:40,679 --> 00:19:44,119 Speaker 4: be like, is this true, is this helpful? Is this 381 00:19:44,199 --> 00:19:46,519 Speaker 4: something I should listen to, is it something I should 382 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,519 Speaker 4: think about more? Or is it not actually congruent with 383 00:19:49,599 --> 00:19:51,759 Speaker 4: my experience of what's happening, in which case I want 384 00:19:51,759 --> 00:19:52,879 Speaker 4: to try and put it to the side. 385 00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:55,839 Speaker 3: It's really good that we're talking about intrusive thoughts too, 386 00:19:55,919 --> 00:19:58,799 Speaker 3: because as you're talking about it, I'm like, oh, I've 387 00:19:58,799 --> 00:20:01,879 Speaker 3: had intrusive thoughts, but it's just it's something that's popped up. 388 00:20:01,919 --> 00:20:05,279 Speaker 3: But then you just you can't wigs you out a 389 00:20:05,279 --> 00:20:07,279 Speaker 3: little bit because it literally comes out of nowhere. So 390 00:20:07,279 --> 00:20:09,279 Speaker 3: it's good to know that that can be somewhat of 391 00:20:09,479 --> 00:20:11,719 Speaker 3: a normal experience that people experience. 392 00:20:11,759 --> 00:20:12,399 Speaker 1: It all the time. 393 00:20:12,559 --> 00:20:16,519 Speaker 3: Absolutely, So, how does imposter syndrome flow into all of this? 394 00:20:17,639 --> 00:20:20,879 Speaker 4: Imposter syndrome and the inner critic go hand in hand, right, 395 00:20:20,999 --> 00:20:27,119 Speaker 4: This idea of the imposter syndrome is where we doubt ourselves, 396 00:20:27,199 --> 00:20:31,279 Speaker 4: we doubt our ability, we doubt our capacity, we doubt 397 00:20:31,319 --> 00:20:34,839 Speaker 4: our achievements, and we think we're not good enough. In fact, 398 00:20:34,999 --> 00:20:38,319 Speaker 4: one of the most common inner critic, deep seated beliefs 399 00:20:38,399 --> 00:20:41,199 Speaker 4: is the I'm not enough, I'm not good enough, And 400 00:20:41,279 --> 00:20:44,479 Speaker 4: so imposter syndrome tells us you're not good enough for 401 00:20:44,519 --> 00:20:47,199 Speaker 4: that job, you're not good enough in this relationship, You're 402 00:20:47,239 --> 00:20:50,839 Speaker 4: not good enough in some way, shape or form. And 403 00:20:50,879 --> 00:20:53,999 Speaker 4: what this can result in is compensating for that. So 404 00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:57,279 Speaker 4: maybe if we think we're not good enough or we 405 00:20:57,319 --> 00:21:00,439 Speaker 4: doubt ourselves, we don't apply for that job, or we 406 00:21:00,479 --> 00:21:02,719 Speaker 4: don't apply for the promotion, or we don't go on 407 00:21:02,759 --> 00:21:07,119 Speaker 4: that first date. Right, So we might avoid situations that 408 00:21:07,199 --> 00:21:10,559 Speaker 4: bring up and trigger up the self doubt, the imposter syndrome, 409 00:21:10,599 --> 00:21:13,119 Speaker 4: and the inner critic, or we might do the opposite. 410 00:21:13,359 --> 00:21:16,639 Speaker 4: We might overcompensate. We might make sure that when we 411 00:21:16,719 --> 00:21:18,879 Speaker 4: go on that first date, we put tons of makeup 412 00:21:18,879 --> 00:21:21,079 Speaker 4: on and we've got our hair professionally done, and we're 413 00:21:21,079 --> 00:21:23,759 Speaker 4: wearing our best outfit, and we have, you know, prepared 414 00:21:23,799 --> 00:21:25,959 Speaker 4: ten questions that we're gonna ask the person that we're 415 00:21:25,999 --> 00:21:28,359 Speaker 4: on a date with. Right, we might overcompensate, we might 416 00:21:28,799 --> 00:21:32,079 Speaker 4: overwork in the workplace to try and get that promotion. 417 00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:37,039 Speaker 4: So the experience of imposter syndrome and self doubt and 418 00:21:37,079 --> 00:21:40,319 Speaker 4: the inner critic can play out differently for different people. 419 00:21:41,239 --> 00:21:44,199 Speaker 3: It sounds like there really is different flavors of imposter syndrome. 420 00:21:44,239 --> 00:21:47,559 Speaker 3: And it's funny when you were talking about imposter syndrome 421 00:21:47,679 --> 00:21:50,679 Speaker 3: being like holding hands with inner critic, I literally got 422 00:21:50,719 --> 00:21:53,079 Speaker 3: a visual of that being like, oh wow, they really 423 00:21:53,159 --> 00:21:56,479 Speaker 3: are friends. Like they are friends because the inner critics 424 00:21:56,519 --> 00:21:59,519 Speaker 3: like you're bad, and then imposter Syndrome's like you're bad 425 00:21:59,599 --> 00:22:02,719 Speaker 3: because of you know, that job or the way that 426 00:22:02,799 --> 00:22:05,879 Speaker 3: you said that thing. It's like they are this kind 427 00:22:05,959 --> 00:22:06,759 Speaker 3: of team. 428 00:22:06,999 --> 00:22:10,439 Speaker 4: Yes, yes, And I think as well. The reason I 429 00:22:10,559 --> 00:22:12,839 Speaker 4: like this conversation is because we're getting into the nuance 430 00:22:12,999 --> 00:22:16,399 Speaker 4: of the inner critic, and I imagine that many people 431 00:22:16,439 --> 00:22:20,079 Speaker 4: listening may have heard about the inner critic or imposter 432 00:22:20,159 --> 00:22:23,759 Speaker 4: syndrome or self criticism at some point and the automatic 433 00:22:23,959 --> 00:22:28,119 Speaker 4: advice is to be less critical, be less hard on yourself, 434 00:22:28,159 --> 00:22:31,639 Speaker 4: love yourself more. It's kind of a very blanket approach, 435 00:22:32,079 --> 00:22:34,839 Speaker 4: but actually there's so many ways in which we can 436 00:22:34,919 --> 00:22:37,959 Speaker 4: experience the inner critic, and then so many different things 437 00:22:37,999 --> 00:22:41,039 Speaker 4: we do as a result of the inner critic that 438 00:22:41,119 --> 00:22:43,599 Speaker 4: we really want to approach this topic with some nuance 439 00:22:43,719 --> 00:22:45,679 Speaker 4: so that we can have the best outcomes. 440 00:22:46,679 --> 00:22:49,999 Speaker 3: Love that. So with this theme around negative self talk, 441 00:22:50,119 --> 00:22:53,279 Speaker 3: it's interesting because I find, you know, after working with 442 00:22:53,319 --> 00:22:55,879 Speaker 3: lots of teenage girls, body image is one of the 443 00:22:55,999 --> 00:22:59,519 Speaker 3: common issues that we see when it comes to inner critic. 444 00:22:59,959 --> 00:23:01,039 Speaker 1: What are your thoughts on that? 445 00:23:01,839 --> 00:23:05,079 Speaker 4: My thoughts is, man, I've been a psychologis for what 446 00:23:05,279 --> 00:23:09,079 Speaker 4: ten years, and I have a PhD. And I sometimes 447 00:23:09,079 --> 00:23:12,039 Speaker 4: struggle with this, right like, our society and our culture 448 00:23:12,679 --> 00:23:16,039 Speaker 4: infiltrates these messages about body image, and so I think 449 00:23:16,079 --> 00:23:18,119 Speaker 4: for so many of us as adults, we would struggle 450 00:23:18,159 --> 00:23:21,199 Speaker 4: with it. How can we expect kids and teens not 451 00:23:21,319 --> 00:23:24,799 Speaker 4: to be impacted by the constant messaging that we receive 452 00:23:25,399 --> 00:23:29,119 Speaker 4: around what is or isn't the ideal body? 453 00:23:29,919 --> 00:23:32,519 Speaker 3: And I think as well, as much as it is 454 00:23:32,639 --> 00:23:35,439 Speaker 3: hard with society and what we see on social media. 455 00:23:35,759 --> 00:23:38,319 Speaker 3: We are starting to make change. You know, we are 456 00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:41,759 Speaker 3: celebrating more body diversity. We're seeing it more, which I 457 00:23:41,759 --> 00:23:43,319 Speaker 3: think is something to celebrate too. 458 00:23:43,799 --> 00:23:48,079 Speaker 4: Yes, absolutely, absolutely, we've made moves in the right direction. 459 00:23:48,319 --> 00:23:50,079 Speaker 4: We still have a lot of work to do. 460 00:23:50,079 --> 00:23:50,839 Speaker 1: Do a lot of work. 461 00:23:50,879 --> 00:23:53,719 Speaker 4: And it's not just young women, young men as well 462 00:23:53,799 --> 00:23:58,639 Speaker 4: impacted by the stereotype of what the ideal body is. 463 00:23:58,999 --> 00:24:00,999 Speaker 4: So I think, yeah, if we've got a lot of 464 00:24:00,999 --> 00:24:01,679 Speaker 4: work still to. 465 00:24:01,639 --> 00:24:05,999 Speaker 3: Do after this shop break, doctor Anastasia is going to 466 00:24:06,039 --> 00:24:08,759 Speaker 3: teach us exactly how to work with that inner critic 467 00:24:09,159 --> 00:24:14,119 Speaker 3: rather than allowing it to take over. Stay with us, Anathasia. 468 00:24:14,319 --> 00:24:17,039 Speaker 3: I already feel so much better knowing that we all 469 00:24:17,119 --> 00:24:21,279 Speaker 3: have an inner critic, not alone, not alone, So how 470 00:24:21,319 --> 00:24:23,119 Speaker 3: do we exactly work with it? 471 00:24:23,839 --> 00:24:28,799 Speaker 4: Okay, I'm going to talk us through four different strategies 472 00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:31,599 Speaker 4: today as to how to work with the inner critic, 473 00:24:32,359 --> 00:24:35,239 Speaker 4: but they're all going to be grounded in this concept 474 00:24:35,359 --> 00:24:40,559 Speaker 4: of self compassion. Now, what is self compassion? Let's just 475 00:24:40,599 --> 00:24:44,159 Speaker 4: talk about that for one minute. Self compassion is different 476 00:24:44,159 --> 00:24:47,119 Speaker 4: to self esteem. Right, often when people hear, oh I 477 00:24:47,159 --> 00:24:50,319 Speaker 4: feel bad about myself, I need to build my self esteem? 478 00:24:50,359 --> 00:24:55,119 Speaker 4: Is the automatic reaction. I say, let's build self compassion instead. 479 00:24:55,759 --> 00:25:01,479 Speaker 4: Self esteem is dependent on how good I am. It 480 00:25:01,599 --> 00:25:04,559 Speaker 4: requires me to find things about myself or my life 481 00:25:04,679 --> 00:25:08,439 Speaker 4: life that I feel good about. I got a really 482 00:25:08,439 --> 00:25:10,799 Speaker 4: good mark on that assessment, I got that job that 483 00:25:10,879 --> 00:25:13,479 Speaker 4: I went for. I've got a close circle of five 484 00:25:13,479 --> 00:25:16,079 Speaker 4: friends that I feel really good about. Right. It requires 485 00:25:16,119 --> 00:25:18,999 Speaker 4: me to identify things to make me feel good. That's 486 00:25:18,999 --> 00:25:22,039 Speaker 4: what self esteem is all about. Self compassion is different. 487 00:25:22,799 --> 00:25:28,039 Speaker 4: Self compassion says we are all human, we are all flawed, 488 00:25:28,759 --> 00:25:33,199 Speaker 4: we all make mistakes, and we all struggle, and that 489 00:25:33,439 --> 00:25:36,879 Speaker 4: is what being human is. So instead of trying to 490 00:25:36,999 --> 00:25:41,719 Speaker 4: constantly be perfect and strive for the ideal version of 491 00:25:41,759 --> 00:25:44,479 Speaker 4: ourselves where we don't make mistakes and we don't stuff up, 492 00:25:44,839 --> 00:25:48,519 Speaker 4: let's work to instead accept the fact the stuff ups 493 00:25:48,559 --> 00:25:52,159 Speaker 4: will happen, the mistakes will happen, the ugly moments in 494 00:25:52,239 --> 00:25:54,279 Speaker 4: life will happen that we wish we could go back 495 00:25:54,279 --> 00:25:58,119 Speaker 4: and redo. But instead of beating ourselves up about those moments, 496 00:25:58,199 --> 00:26:04,399 Speaker 4: can we instead meet ourselves with kindness and compassion. So 497 00:26:05,119 --> 00:26:07,399 Speaker 4: what we know from the research is that people who 498 00:26:07,479 --> 00:26:12,919 Speaker 4: are compassionate towards themselves generally feel more kind of satisfied 499 00:26:13,119 --> 00:26:17,399 Speaker 4: and optimistic about their life. They're generally able to forgive 500 00:26:17,439 --> 00:26:22,199 Speaker 4: themselves more easily. They have a strong sense of self 501 00:26:22,279 --> 00:26:26,439 Speaker 4: worth and identity, and they can focus more on kind 502 00:26:26,479 --> 00:26:30,279 Speaker 4: of the learning and the personal growth rather than getting 503 00:26:30,399 --> 00:26:33,719 Speaker 4: stuck down in the negative feelings attached to the inner critic. 504 00:26:35,159 --> 00:26:36,839 Speaker 3: This is really good you're laying it out like this, 505 00:26:36,999 --> 00:26:40,199 Speaker 3: because if we did take self compassion out, it's just 506 00:26:40,239 --> 00:26:42,839 Speaker 3: self esteem, but it's still performative based, like it's still 507 00:26:42,839 --> 00:26:45,839 Speaker 3: based on external So I like that we're coming back 508 00:26:45,839 --> 00:26:47,599 Speaker 3: to a foundation of self compassion. 509 00:26:47,839 --> 00:26:53,239 Speaker 4: Yes, perfect. So four different strategies. First one is reframe, 510 00:26:53,599 --> 00:26:57,679 Speaker 4: and reframe through the lens of self compassion. So if 511 00:26:57,719 --> 00:27:00,359 Speaker 4: you find that your inner critic is giving you a 512 00:27:00,399 --> 00:27:02,879 Speaker 4: hard time and it's talking to you in a really 513 00:27:02,959 --> 00:27:08,279 Speaker 4: mean way on the fact that you are human, you 514 00:27:08,359 --> 00:27:12,519 Speaker 4: are imperfect. Anyone hearing this right now feeling triggered, You've 515 00:27:12,559 --> 00:27:14,839 Speaker 4: got some inner work to do. My friends, you are 516 00:27:14,839 --> 00:27:19,999 Speaker 4: all imperfect. We are all imperfect. We have to learn 517 00:27:20,119 --> 00:27:23,559 Speaker 4: to accept that fact right rather than fight against it, 518 00:27:23,599 --> 00:27:25,639 Speaker 4: because we will forever be trying to fight against it 519 00:27:25,679 --> 00:27:30,279 Speaker 4: if we can't accept it. So reframe your self criticism, 520 00:27:30,719 --> 00:27:33,119 Speaker 4: to be kind to yourself, to be able to tell yourself, 521 00:27:33,199 --> 00:27:38,399 Speaker 4: I'm struggling right now, and that's okay. Everyone has bad moments. 522 00:27:38,519 --> 00:27:43,199 Speaker 4: Everyone has the moments they're not proud of. Everyone struggles sometimes, 523 00:27:43,239 --> 00:27:46,479 Speaker 4: it's part of being human. I'm not the only person 524 00:27:46,599 --> 00:27:49,719 Speaker 4: to have ever felt this experience. I'm not the only 525 00:27:49,799 --> 00:27:52,479 Speaker 4: person to have ever struggled. I'm not the only person 526 00:27:52,759 --> 00:27:55,839 Speaker 4: to have ever failed at something. This is a shared 527 00:27:56,039 --> 00:27:59,439 Speaker 4: human experience. No one gets it right all the time. 528 00:27:59,879 --> 00:28:02,279 Speaker 4: That's not to say that I can't try and do 529 00:28:02,439 --> 00:28:06,079 Speaker 4: better next time or try and improve myself. But in 530 00:28:06,159 --> 00:28:10,559 Speaker 4: this moment, I'm going to give myself compassion and kindness 531 00:28:10,599 --> 00:28:14,319 Speaker 4: and acceptance that I'm just a real human being in 532 00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:14,799 Speaker 4: the world. 533 00:28:15,479 --> 00:28:17,719 Speaker 3: And I can imagine, like even with this first step, 534 00:28:17,879 --> 00:28:21,239 Speaker 3: like that would take time, right because we're changing patterning 535 00:28:21,399 --> 00:28:23,919 Speaker 3: and how we've been talking to ourself for I don't know, 536 00:28:23,959 --> 00:28:25,679 Speaker 3: twenty thirty forty years. 537 00:28:25,439 --> 00:28:29,559 Speaker 4: Right, Absolutely, it takes time. If we're you still launching 538 00:28:29,599 --> 00:28:33,599 Speaker 4: in automatically with the harshness and the self criticism, stepping 539 00:28:33,639 --> 00:28:36,639 Speaker 4: back and going, you know what, I'm gonna just be 540 00:28:36,799 --> 00:28:40,639 Speaker 4: kind and accepting towards myself right now that takes time. 541 00:28:41,039 --> 00:28:44,559 Speaker 3: Absolutely, It's like we're building our own self trust as 542 00:28:44,639 --> 00:28:47,359 Speaker 3: well in that because for so long we've been speaking 543 00:28:47,359 --> 00:28:49,159 Speaker 3: another language, and all of a sudden, you're speaking a 544 00:28:49,159 --> 00:28:50,079 Speaker 3: new language. 545 00:28:49,719 --> 00:28:52,039 Speaker 1: And we're like, wait, what, yes, might being so nice 546 00:28:52,079 --> 00:28:52,239 Speaker 1: to me? 547 00:28:52,599 --> 00:28:55,679 Speaker 4: You know what I mean? Exactly? It feels different? 548 00:28:55,919 --> 00:28:58,759 Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, so that's number one reframe. What about number two? 549 00:28:58,879 --> 00:29:02,239 Speaker 4: Okay. Another strategy you can try if you find yourself 550 00:29:02,279 --> 00:29:06,199 Speaker 4: bogged down in the inner critic is ask yourself the question, 551 00:29:07,799 --> 00:29:10,919 Speaker 4: how would I speak to a friend in this situation. 552 00:29:12,239 --> 00:29:14,559 Speaker 4: If it was my friend who came and told me 553 00:29:14,999 --> 00:29:18,679 Speaker 4: that she was really disappointed in herself because she applied 554 00:29:18,679 --> 00:29:20,319 Speaker 4: for a job and she didn't get it and she 555 00:29:20,399 --> 00:29:22,919 Speaker 4: was really hoping she did, and she just felt crap 556 00:29:22,959 --> 00:29:25,399 Speaker 4: about herself and like she wasn't good enough. Would I 557 00:29:25,439 --> 00:29:28,199 Speaker 4: sit there and go, oh, yeah, you know what, does 558 00:29:28,239 --> 00:29:30,439 Speaker 4: sound like you're a bit crap? Actually, maybe you just 559 00:29:30,519 --> 00:29:32,759 Speaker 4: weren't good enough for the job, right. No, we wouldn't 560 00:29:32,759 --> 00:29:34,879 Speaker 4: say that to someone else. We would meet them with 561 00:29:35,039 --> 00:29:38,159 Speaker 4: kindness and compassion. We would try to be non judgmental 562 00:29:38,319 --> 00:29:42,079 Speaker 4: about the situation. But often what we say to ourselves 563 00:29:42,519 --> 00:29:45,799 Speaker 4: is so much meaner than what we would say to 564 00:29:45,879 --> 00:29:48,919 Speaker 4: other people. So if you're struggling with your inner critic 565 00:29:48,999 --> 00:29:53,159 Speaker 4: being really loud and really tough on you ask yourself 566 00:29:53,159 --> 00:29:55,639 Speaker 4: the question, what would I say to someone else in 567 00:29:55,679 --> 00:29:57,079 Speaker 4: the same situation as me? 568 00:29:57,959 --> 00:30:00,799 Speaker 3: I feel like I've loved that because us having a 569 00:30:00,799 --> 00:30:04,999 Speaker 3: different perspective really can shift it. Because you know, if 570 00:30:05,039 --> 00:30:08,639 Speaker 3: a friend was to say, oh, like, you're a crap person. 571 00:30:08,999 --> 00:30:10,599 Speaker 1: Like, we wouldn't be friends with them anymore. 572 00:30:10,639 --> 00:30:13,519 Speaker 3: But the reality is we're stuck with ourselves for the 573 00:30:13,599 --> 00:30:16,279 Speaker 3: rest of our lives. Yes, and we should be empowered 574 00:30:16,279 --> 00:30:17,759 Speaker 3: by that, right, Yes. 575 00:30:17,919 --> 00:30:22,199 Speaker 4: Absolutely, absolutely. We want to give ourselves doses of reality. Sure, 576 00:30:22,439 --> 00:30:24,559 Speaker 4: but we don't want to be excessively mean and harsh. 577 00:30:24,759 --> 00:30:27,759 Speaker 3: Yeah, everything in moderation. Balance, as you say. 578 00:30:27,639 --> 00:30:28,479 Speaker 4: Balance is key. 579 00:30:28,599 --> 00:30:31,399 Speaker 3: Yes, Okay, So now how about number three? 580 00:30:31,599 --> 00:30:33,959 Speaker 4: Okay, this leads us nicely on to the third one. 581 00:30:34,239 --> 00:30:36,479 Speaker 4: If you've tried the reframe and you've tried to think 582 00:30:36,479 --> 00:30:38,759 Speaker 4: about what you tell a friend and it's not working, 583 00:30:39,639 --> 00:30:44,599 Speaker 4: I want you to name your inner critic. Now you 584 00:30:44,679 --> 00:30:46,159 Speaker 4: mentioned good old Luke. 585 00:30:46,039 --> 00:30:49,199 Speaker 1: Luke, we go way back, Luke Luke. 586 00:30:50,119 --> 00:30:55,439 Speaker 4: I'd call my inner critic Frank. Why they're men? Something 587 00:30:55,479 --> 00:30:56,439 Speaker 4: will unpack another time. 588 00:30:57,359 --> 00:30:59,399 Speaker 1: That's another episode. 589 00:31:00,079 --> 00:31:02,999 Speaker 4: But name the inner critic now, now, why do we 590 00:31:03,039 --> 00:31:08,639 Speaker 4: do this? Okay? Our sense of self is built up 591 00:31:09,279 --> 00:31:13,839 Speaker 4: in parts. Okay, we have the part of us that 592 00:31:14,159 --> 00:31:19,359 Speaker 4: is the confident self that rocks up and goes to 593 00:31:19,479 --> 00:31:22,239 Speaker 4: work and can connect with other people. We have a 594 00:31:22,279 --> 00:31:25,399 Speaker 4: really confident part of ourself. We have the feelings part 595 00:31:25,479 --> 00:31:28,159 Speaker 4: to ourself, the part that feels vulnerable, the part that 596 00:31:28,159 --> 00:31:32,199 Speaker 4: feels lonely sometimes, the part that feels self conscious. We 597 00:31:32,319 --> 00:31:37,119 Speaker 4: have a part of ourselves that might be the part 598 00:31:37,159 --> 00:31:39,599 Speaker 4: that can detach from things. Right, we have all these 599 00:31:39,599 --> 00:31:41,639 Speaker 4: different parts. We can have all sorts of parts, but 600 00:31:41,719 --> 00:31:44,719 Speaker 4: we all have this part of us that is the 601 00:31:44,759 --> 00:31:47,559 Speaker 4: inner critic. Now, when the inner critic comes to the 602 00:31:47,599 --> 00:31:50,799 Speaker 4: forefront and it speaks to us, it's like we are 603 00:31:50,839 --> 00:31:55,559 Speaker 4: consumed by that experience. Right, We don't necessarily identify it 604 00:31:55,919 --> 00:32:00,039 Speaker 4: as simply one part of who we are. So by 605 00:32:00,159 --> 00:32:03,719 Speaker 4: naming the inner critic, what we're essentially doing is providing 606 00:32:03,759 --> 00:32:08,399 Speaker 4: a little bit of operation from me to the inner critic. 607 00:32:08,759 --> 00:32:10,999 Speaker 4: It's there, yep. I'm not trying to get rid of 608 00:32:10,999 --> 00:32:14,359 Speaker 4: it completely. I'm just identifying it as one part of 609 00:32:14,399 --> 00:32:17,799 Speaker 4: my internal experience, but it's not all of my experience. 610 00:32:18,199 --> 00:32:20,719 Speaker 4: Not everything it says is true and I have to 611 00:32:20,759 --> 00:32:23,799 Speaker 4: believe it right, It's just one part. So naming the 612 00:32:23,839 --> 00:32:26,759 Speaker 4: inner critic can be helpful to give us that space 613 00:32:26,839 --> 00:32:27,959 Speaker 4: and distance from it. 614 00:32:28,639 --> 00:32:31,519 Speaker 3: Yeah, I feel like with my relationship with Luke, it's 615 00:32:31,799 --> 00:32:35,079 Speaker 3: very layered. But you know, I've learned to love Luke 616 00:32:35,399 --> 00:32:38,159 Speaker 3: as well. I mean I go through different seasons, like 617 00:32:38,199 --> 00:32:39,279 Speaker 3: definitely there's times. 618 00:32:39,039 --> 00:32:39,679 Speaker 1: Where I get. 619 00:32:39,519 --> 00:32:42,079 Speaker 3: Scared of Luke or like I love Luke, or I 620 00:32:42,079 --> 00:32:44,359 Speaker 3: don't want to listen to Luke. Like it really does change. 621 00:32:44,479 --> 00:32:47,839 Speaker 4: Yes, I love Luke and look, listeners out there, if 622 00:32:47,879 --> 00:32:50,599 Speaker 4: you're struggling to come up with a name for your 623 00:32:50,639 --> 00:32:53,199 Speaker 4: inner critic. While I was having my coffee this morning, 624 00:32:53,319 --> 00:32:55,159 Speaker 4: I did a little bit of a quick AI and 625 00:32:55,199 --> 00:32:57,839 Speaker 4: I asked, AI, can you like give me some example 626 00:32:57,919 --> 00:32:59,679 Speaker 4: names for what we might be able to call out 627 00:32:59,719 --> 00:33:01,199 Speaker 4: in a critic? And I've got to share these with you. 628 00:33:01,439 --> 00:33:02,919 Speaker 4: Some of them are kind of funny. 629 00:33:03,519 --> 00:33:05,679 Speaker 1: AI, SA, this is great. 630 00:33:06,079 --> 00:33:08,239 Speaker 4: So we got Luke, we got Frank Mins Frank. But 631 00:33:08,319 --> 00:33:13,759 Speaker 4: here's what AI gave us, Captain Nitpick. What imagine next 632 00:33:13,759 --> 00:33:15,799 Speaker 4: time your in a critic comes up? You're like, oh, 633 00:33:15,839 --> 00:33:19,919 Speaker 4: there's Captain Nitpick. Okay, another one. I like this one. 634 00:33:20,079 --> 00:33:25,279 Speaker 4: Grumble gasoo alliteration, grumble gas is in the house. Yep, 635 00:33:26,079 --> 00:33:32,599 Speaker 4: mister sassy pants, the Judge mcjudgson. Oh my god, negative 636 00:33:32,679 --> 00:33:39,839 Speaker 4: ned or negative Nancy right, whiney wonder Now these are laughable, right. 637 00:33:40,079 --> 00:33:43,879 Speaker 4: But I also think that bringing humor into this conversation 638 00:33:44,319 --> 00:33:46,839 Speaker 4: is helpful because next time your in a critic comes 639 00:33:46,919 --> 00:33:49,759 Speaker 4: up and it says, mayor mayor mayor, what a terrible 640 00:33:49,799 --> 00:33:51,599 Speaker 4: person you were. You didn't text your friend because you 641 00:33:51,639 --> 00:33:54,079 Speaker 4: forgot it was their birthday, and you go, oh, there's 642 00:33:54,159 --> 00:33:57,799 Speaker 4: Judge mcjudgson again, give me a hard time. It provides 643 00:33:57,839 --> 00:34:01,519 Speaker 4: that distance and that space and that lightness to otherwise 644 00:34:01,559 --> 00:34:03,519 Speaker 4: would have been a moment that we get super bogged 645 00:34:03,559 --> 00:34:03,879 Speaker 4: down in. 646 00:34:04,639 --> 00:34:08,039 Speaker 3: Yeah, I definitely feel like joy can really lift lift it. 647 00:34:07,999 --> 00:34:08,639 Speaker 1: All up again. 648 00:34:08,839 --> 00:34:11,119 Speaker 4: Yeah, bit of space and distance between that mean part 649 00:34:11,159 --> 00:34:11,479 Speaker 4: of us. 650 00:34:11,759 --> 00:34:12,599 Speaker 1: Yeah, I love that. 651 00:34:12,799 --> 00:34:20,319 Speaker 4: The fourth thing I'd recommend people try is a compassionate letter. Right, 652 00:34:20,879 --> 00:34:25,039 Speaker 4: we're going to write a letter to ourselves that is 653 00:34:25,239 --> 00:34:28,439 Speaker 4: kind and compassionate. Now, I recommend if people want to 654 00:34:28,479 --> 00:34:30,839 Speaker 4: give this a go, you do it when you're not 655 00:34:30,879 --> 00:34:32,799 Speaker 4: in the thick of the inner critic. Right, if you 656 00:34:32,879 --> 00:34:35,559 Speaker 4: feel like you're having a calm evening, you're feeling like 657 00:34:35,599 --> 00:34:38,959 Speaker 4: you're in a good place, like you connected with yourself, 658 00:34:39,919 --> 00:34:43,519 Speaker 4: sit down and try to write yourself a letter and 659 00:34:43,719 --> 00:34:47,919 Speaker 4: channel the part of you that is kind, that is forgiving, 660 00:34:48,239 --> 00:34:52,679 Speaker 4: that is accepting, that has some wisdom, but that's ultimately 661 00:34:52,839 --> 00:34:57,159 Speaker 4: empathetic and compassionate, the part of you that can acknowledge 662 00:34:57,519 --> 00:35:00,879 Speaker 4: that imperfection is part of the human experience. And what 663 00:35:00,959 --> 00:35:03,839 Speaker 4: I want you to do is write a letter to 664 00:35:04,159 --> 00:35:09,239 Speaker 4: yourself giving yourself kindness and love and forgiveness and compassion. 665 00:35:09,919 --> 00:35:14,119 Speaker 4: So literally, dear whatever your name is, and then write 666 00:35:14,119 --> 00:35:17,559 Speaker 4: what comes to mind. Don't be too structured, don't be 667 00:35:17,599 --> 00:35:22,279 Speaker 4: too formal. Doesn't matter about accuracies. This is a letter 668 00:35:22,319 --> 00:35:25,679 Speaker 4: that's designed to channel an emotion. It's meant to be 669 00:35:25,719 --> 00:35:29,079 Speaker 4: in emotive experience. Many times when I get my clients 670 00:35:29,119 --> 00:35:31,399 Speaker 4: to do this, they will say that while they wrote it, 671 00:35:31,599 --> 00:35:35,559 Speaker 4: they actually cried, they felt something, And that's what we want. 672 00:35:35,799 --> 00:35:39,479 Speaker 4: We want to change that internal emotional experience from being 673 00:35:39,479 --> 00:35:43,399 Speaker 4: one of harshness to one of compassion. So if you 674 00:35:43,439 --> 00:35:47,719 Speaker 4: write this letter, see how you feel as you write it, 675 00:35:48,359 --> 00:35:51,359 Speaker 4: and then if you feel brave enough and if you've 676 00:35:51,359 --> 00:35:53,679 Speaker 4: got someone in your life you can share it with, 677 00:35:54,639 --> 00:35:58,479 Speaker 4: I would encourage you find a close, safe friend and 678 00:35:58,559 --> 00:36:02,359 Speaker 4: actually read it out loud to them. The experience of 679 00:36:02,479 --> 00:36:07,199 Speaker 4: saying this out loud in front of someone else gives 680 00:36:07,199 --> 00:36:09,879 Speaker 4: it this other layer of emotion that we can tap into. 681 00:36:10,119 --> 00:36:12,519 Speaker 4: So again, when I do this with my clients, I 682 00:36:12,599 --> 00:36:15,119 Speaker 4: encourage them to go away and write it as homework 683 00:36:15,439 --> 00:36:18,279 Speaker 4: and then bring it back into the therapy room and 684 00:36:18,359 --> 00:36:20,959 Speaker 4: read it out loud to me, and sometimes we're both 685 00:36:20,959 --> 00:36:23,479 Speaker 4: in tears. I'm not gonna lie, right. It's quite an 686 00:36:23,519 --> 00:36:26,679 Speaker 4: emotional experience, particularly for people who have just been stuck 687 00:36:26,679 --> 00:36:30,159 Speaker 4: in that harshness and that self criticism for so long. 688 00:36:30,479 --> 00:36:32,799 Speaker 4: So if you feel brave, give the letter writing a go. 689 00:36:33,559 --> 00:36:35,799 Speaker 3: Oh. I love that, and I really love that as 690 00:36:35,799 --> 00:36:37,879 Speaker 3: an activity. I get my clients to do that too, 691 00:36:37,959 --> 00:36:40,239 Speaker 3: And it is so profound because I feel like so 692 00:36:40,399 --> 00:36:43,079 Speaker 3: much gets stuck inside of us. And I feel like 693 00:36:43,159 --> 00:36:46,399 Speaker 3: even when I did workshops of teenage girls, they would 694 00:36:46,399 --> 00:36:49,479 Speaker 3: be writing til the cows come home, like they're writing pages, 695 00:36:49,519 --> 00:36:51,439 Speaker 3: because there's so much that comes out when we're just 696 00:36:51,479 --> 00:36:55,199 Speaker 3: in a space of just stillness. So if we follow 697 00:36:55,479 --> 00:36:59,119 Speaker 3: all of these techniques that you've given us, what happens, Like, 698 00:36:59,119 --> 00:37:00,759 Speaker 3: what are the actual benefits from it? 699 00:37:01,639 --> 00:37:04,839 Speaker 4: The benefit is that overall we build that muscle of 700 00:37:04,879 --> 00:37:08,239 Speaker 4: self compassion. And what we know is that having a 701 00:37:08,479 --> 00:37:14,239 Speaker 4: strong capacity for self compassion means that we're more resilience 702 00:37:14,279 --> 00:37:18,839 Speaker 4: against potentially developing depression. We have greater sense of self worth, 703 00:37:19,399 --> 00:37:23,599 Speaker 4: we have quite a stable sense of identity. We can 704 00:37:23,679 --> 00:37:26,839 Speaker 4: be more appreciative and kind to ourselves in relation to 705 00:37:26,879 --> 00:37:29,199 Speaker 4: body image like we were talking about before, more sort 706 00:37:29,239 --> 00:37:33,959 Speaker 4: of accepting and satisfied with our bodies. We also develop 707 00:37:34,599 --> 00:37:38,759 Speaker 4: higher levels of emotional intelligence, so that capacity for me 708 00:37:38,879 --> 00:37:42,319 Speaker 4: to be able to know what my emotions are telling me, 709 00:37:42,759 --> 00:37:45,999 Speaker 4: but also work with other people's emotional states as well. 710 00:37:46,599 --> 00:37:49,359 Speaker 4: Building self compassion helps us be more resilient when we're 711 00:37:49,359 --> 00:37:54,239 Speaker 4: faced with life's hardships and challenges, and it helps us 712 00:37:54,319 --> 00:37:58,439 Speaker 4: build that sort of grit and resilience and determination for 713 00:37:58,519 --> 00:38:02,359 Speaker 4: us to be able to get through tough times in life. 714 00:38:03,159 --> 00:38:05,919 Speaker 3: After this shopbreak, I'm going to meet Sam and he's 715 00:38:06,039 --> 00:38:12,439 Speaker 3: very loud in a critic stay with us, berb hereb Bibby. 716 00:38:12,799 --> 00:38:16,879 Speaker 4: I'm having a serious Christian berb having a crisis. 717 00:38:18,639 --> 00:38:21,719 Speaker 3: We had so many people share their inner critic dilemmas 718 00:38:21,759 --> 00:38:25,039 Speaker 3: with us. It's such a common experience, Anastasia. 719 00:38:25,319 --> 00:38:25,999 Speaker 1: This is Sam. 720 00:38:26,719 --> 00:38:29,279 Speaker 5: I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells with how 721 00:38:29,279 --> 00:38:32,919 Speaker 5: I communicate with friends. I try and be lighthearted and funny, 722 00:38:33,199 --> 00:38:36,359 Speaker 5: but sometimes my jokes miss the mark, or worse, they 723 00:38:36,359 --> 00:38:40,039 Speaker 5: offend someone, and I'm left wondering if I accidentally hurt 724 00:38:40,039 --> 00:38:42,759 Speaker 5: their feelings. At work, it's a different kind of pressure. 725 00:38:42,879 --> 00:38:46,519 Speaker 5: I'm naturally casual and conversational, but I worry that I 726 00:38:46,559 --> 00:38:51,079 Speaker 5: come across as too informal or unprofessional, especially in meetings 727 00:38:51,199 --> 00:38:54,079 Speaker 5: or over email. The hardest part is laying awake at 728 00:38:54,159 --> 00:38:57,759 Speaker 5: night replaying everything I said, cringing at things I thought 729 00:38:57,839 --> 00:39:03,399 Speaker 5: sounded stupid or inappropriate, and spiraling into overthinking what should 730 00:39:03,439 --> 00:39:04,399 Speaker 5: I do to stop this? 731 00:39:05,239 --> 00:39:08,119 Speaker 4: Oh, Sam, this sounds like hard work for you, buddy, 732 00:39:09,119 --> 00:39:10,159 Speaker 4: I'm siren. 733 00:39:09,919 --> 00:39:12,999 Speaker 3: Staying up at night thinking about it. Oh so relatable. 734 00:39:14,959 --> 00:39:18,159 Speaker 4: So one thing Sam might want to do, and anyone 735 00:39:18,159 --> 00:39:20,879 Speaker 4: who can relate to Sam's experience is go back to 736 00:39:20,919 --> 00:39:24,119 Speaker 4: episode one and listen to us talking about getting into 737 00:39:24,119 --> 00:39:26,519 Speaker 4: worry spirals, because it feels like there's some elements of 738 00:39:26,559 --> 00:39:31,079 Speaker 4: worry coming into this experience, laying awake at night overthinking things. 739 00:39:32,839 --> 00:39:35,639 Speaker 4: The other thing I'd say is that it sounds like 740 00:39:35,679 --> 00:39:38,479 Speaker 4: you're in a critic definitely is coming to the forefront 741 00:39:38,559 --> 00:39:44,439 Speaker 4: and making you question yourself a lot. Now, if someone 742 00:39:44,799 --> 00:39:47,639 Speaker 4: walked into the therapy room and they said to me, 743 00:39:48,399 --> 00:39:50,519 Speaker 4: I think I say some weird things at work, or 744 00:39:50,559 --> 00:39:52,679 Speaker 4: I make some jokes and they don't quite land, or 745 00:39:52,759 --> 00:39:55,159 Speaker 4: maybe I made a joke and someone didn't quite like it, 746 00:39:55,719 --> 00:39:59,199 Speaker 4: or I said something weird, I would say, in the 747 00:39:59,319 --> 00:40:03,359 Speaker 4: nicest way possible, with all the love I have, so what, 748 00:40:04,759 --> 00:40:06,759 Speaker 4: And that's not meant to be judgment. I'm not like 749 00:40:07,039 --> 00:40:11,239 Speaker 4: so what? Right, it's like so what? So what feels 750 00:40:11,759 --> 00:40:14,959 Speaker 4: so bad about that? The thing is, most of the 751 00:40:15,039 --> 00:40:18,839 Speaker 4: time we think about ourselves more than anyone else thinks 752 00:40:18,839 --> 00:40:23,399 Speaker 4: about us. Right, So I would be quite skeptical as 753 00:40:23,399 --> 00:40:26,159 Speaker 4: to whether your work colleagues or your friends are going 754 00:40:26,239 --> 00:40:29,359 Speaker 4: home and thinking about you as much as you're thinking 755 00:40:29,439 --> 00:40:32,599 Speaker 4: about you in those moments. Right. We all say things 756 00:40:32,639 --> 00:40:35,359 Speaker 4: that we think they're funny and then turns out they're 757 00:40:35,359 --> 00:40:38,639 Speaker 4: not sometimes, right, Shani, And I'll probably do that at 758 00:40:38,639 --> 00:40:41,039 Speaker 4: points in this podcast, where we make jokes that no 759 00:40:41,039 --> 00:40:43,999 Speaker 4: one else thinks is funny, it'll happen. That's part of 760 00:40:44,079 --> 00:40:46,479 Speaker 4: being human. I accept that I'll make jokes that are 761 00:40:46,479 --> 00:40:49,039 Speaker 4: not funny. We make mistakes, we say things we don't 762 00:40:49,039 --> 00:40:52,119 Speaker 4: always mean right. So that's why I bring this question 763 00:40:52,159 --> 00:40:55,719 Speaker 4: of what's so bad about that? Maybe it feels really 764 00:40:55,799 --> 00:40:57,999 Speaker 4: bad when we give ourselves a hard time about it, 765 00:40:58,439 --> 00:41:01,999 Speaker 4: But in the grand scheme of life, that one joke 766 00:41:02,119 --> 00:41:07,359 Speaker 4: that didn't land is one spec in time and in 767 00:41:07,399 --> 00:41:10,839 Speaker 4: two days, two weeks, two months, two years. 768 00:41:18,279 --> 00:41:20,319 Speaker 3: Okay, I think a lot of us will be writing 769 00:41:20,359 --> 00:41:24,119 Speaker 3: self compassion letters tonight. Ata Stagiak, we covered a lot 770 00:41:24,119 --> 00:41:26,399 Speaker 3: of ground today. Can you give us a recut? 771 00:41:26,839 --> 00:41:31,919 Speaker 4: Absolutely? First up, we all have an inner critic. It's 772 00:41:32,039 --> 00:41:36,239 Speaker 4: normal and it's natural for it to exist. Second, some 773 00:41:36,279 --> 00:41:40,039 Speaker 4: people have an inner critic that is louder and meaner 774 00:41:40,079 --> 00:41:44,839 Speaker 4: than other people's. Third, we can tame our inner critic 775 00:41:45,399 --> 00:41:50,519 Speaker 4: through self compassion. Fourth, self compassion requires us to acknowledge 776 00:41:50,519 --> 00:41:54,519 Speaker 4: that our mistakes and disappointments are all part of the 777 00:41:54,639 --> 00:41:58,519 Speaker 4: human experience. No one else is perfect and neither are we. 778 00:41:59,719 --> 00:42:04,039 Speaker 4: And lastly, self compassion can be harnessed by treating ourselves 779 00:42:04,079 --> 00:42:08,079 Speaker 4: with the same kindness and understanding that we would approach 780 00:42:08,119 --> 00:42:13,719 Speaker 4: a friend with. Now next week, we are diving into 781 00:42:13,759 --> 00:42:16,999 Speaker 4: a topic that is very close to my heart. The 782 00:42:17,159 --> 00:42:20,719 Speaker 4: biggest misconceptions and mistakes people make the. 783 00:42:20,759 --> 00:42:22,479 Speaker 1: Therapy I cannot wait. 784 00:42:22,879 --> 00:42:24,839 Speaker 3: If you have a burning question, there are a few 785 00:42:24,879 --> 00:42:26,279 Speaker 3: ways to get in touch with us. 786 00:42:26,479 --> 00:42:27,639 Speaker 1: Links are in the show notes. 787 00:42:28,319 --> 00:42:31,919 Speaker 4: And remember, while I am a psychologist, this podcast isn't 788 00:42:31,919 --> 00:42:34,999 Speaker 4: a diagnostic tool, and the advice and ideas we present 789 00:42:35,079 --> 00:42:38,519 Speaker 4: here should always take into account your personal history. The 790 00:42:38,599 --> 00:42:42,479 Speaker 4: executive producer of But Are You Happy is Niama Brown. 791 00:42:42,719 --> 00:42:44,879 Speaker 3: Tarlie Blackman is our senior producer. 792 00:42:45,319 --> 00:42:47,679 Speaker 4: Sound design and editing by Jacob Brown. 793 00:42:48,079 --> 00:42:49,839 Speaker 1: I'm a Shani Dante and. 794 00:42:49,959 --> 00:42:53,839 Speaker 4: I'm doctor Anastasia Heronis. The names and stories of clients 795 00:42:53,879 --> 00:42:57,639 Speaker 4: discussed have been changed for the purpose of maintaining anonymity. 796 00:42:58,199 --> 00:43:01,079 Speaker 4: If this conversation brought up any difficult feelings for you, 797 00:43:01,519 --> 00:43:04,199 Speaker 4: we have links for more resources in the show notes 798 00:43:04,239 --> 00:43:07,439 Speaker 4: around the topics we discussed today. You can also reach 799 00:43:07,479 --> 00:43:10,919 Speaker 4: out to organizations like Beyond Blue or Lifeline if you're 800 00:43:10,919 --> 00:43:19,959 Speaker 4: wanting more immediate support. Thanks for listening, Mamma Mia acknowledges 801 00:43:20,039 --> 00:43:23,119 Speaker 4: the traditional owners of the land and waters that this 802 00:43:23,239 --> 00:43:24,679 Speaker 4: podcast is recorded on.