WEBVTT - Nothing But Trouble 0:00:10.888 --> 0:00:13.608 You're listening to a mother Mer podcast. 0:00:14.288 --> 0:00:17.808 Muma Me acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and waters. 0:00:17.848 --> 0:00:22.368 This podcast is recorded on This episode discusses domestic violence, drunks, 0:00:22.448 --> 0:00:25.928 and other explicit content and is strictly for over eighteen's. 0:00:26.288 --> 0:00:28.328 If you will anyone you know needs help, there is 0:00:28.368 --> 0:00:37.128 a list of support services in our show notes. We 0:00:37.208 --> 0:00:41.808 all have types, tall, dark, blonde, tradees, the nice guy. 0:00:42.048 --> 0:00:45.248 The list goes on. Well, Tessa definitely had a type, 0:00:45.448 --> 0:00:46.808 but it wasn't any of the above. 0:00:47.568 --> 0:00:55.288 Jail birds as no, like, I've had a very colorful life, 0:00:55.408 --> 0:01:00.208 and I find it a lot easier to see males 0:01:00.208 --> 0:01:04.648 that have at least knowledge about a colorful life. But yeah, 0:01:04.688 --> 0:01:07.568 he was very much the jail bird as soon as 0:01:07.608 --> 0:01:08.168 you looked at him. 0:01:08.208 --> 0:01:11.288 In you the issue with time, They can often come 0:01:11.328 --> 0:01:13.448 with well certain baggage. 0:01:13.608 --> 0:01:16.928 I did find out through the grapevine that he apparently 0:01:17.448 --> 0:01:21.928 used to have a really bad gambling, pokey addiction. I 0:01:21.968 --> 0:01:25.047 started to think, well, maybe what he's doing is he's 0:01:25.888 --> 0:01:29.048 creating a fight with me to create a reason to 0:01:29.128 --> 0:01:32.688 be able to leave and storm out, and I guess 0:01:32.768 --> 0:01:34.967 a reason to be away from home for the next 0:01:35.128 --> 0:01:38.807 twenty four hours so he could go and gamble and 0:01:38.848 --> 0:01:58.888 get on Pokey's. 0:01:49.328 --> 0:01:51.688 I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an ex 0:01:51.888 --> 0:01:54.128 Come with me as we dive into a collection of 0:01:54.288 --> 0:01:58.448 unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the 0:01:58.488 --> 0:02:01.728 hearts of the very people who lived them. When this 0:02:01.808 --> 0:02:05.128 story begins, our girl Tessa here was twenty nine. She'd 0:02:05.128 --> 0:02:07.808 worked much of her life as an adult entertainer and 0:02:07.848 --> 0:02:10.488 now owned her own business in that industry. It could 0:02:10.488 --> 0:02:13.128 be a tricky world to find and date a nice guy, 0:02:13.528 --> 0:02:15.608 but work was work, and she loved it. 0:02:16.007 --> 0:02:20.768 I would do topless wat dressing at Bucks parties, boat parties, 0:02:20.848 --> 0:02:23.248 that kind of thing. I'd been doing that for a while. 0:02:23.407 --> 0:02:29.368 I'd always had really really bad luck in relationships. And 0:02:29.528 --> 0:02:32.008 a friend of mine said, Oh, I've got a business 0:02:32.008 --> 0:02:35.727 partner that needs to book strippers for their Christmas party. 0:02:36.448 --> 0:02:40.847 And he gave his friend my number and I went 0:02:40.928 --> 0:02:44.488 and worked that night. And he was the friend of 0:02:44.488 --> 0:02:44.928 a friend. 0:02:45.528 --> 0:02:48.808 His name was Daniel, and immediately Tessa heard a certain 0:02:48.928 --> 0:02:50.768 Taylor Swift song playing in her mind. 0:02:51.248 --> 0:02:54.007 It was almost instant, like we just looked at each 0:02:54.008 --> 0:02:55.448 other and it was like, oh no, this is going 0:02:55.528 --> 0:03:01.168 to be trouble. This is like like bad bad. Instantly 0:03:01.288 --> 0:03:03.448 I was like, oh god, I'm going to date him. 0:03:03.688 --> 0:03:08.288 I knew instantly it was very much my type. Tall, 0:03:09.248 --> 0:03:14.208 very very bright blue eyes, the coolest clothes on ever, 0:03:16.528 --> 0:03:19.208 and just held himself in such a way that was 0:03:19.368 --> 0:03:23.008 just he was so witty and funny and on the 0:03:23.048 --> 0:03:27.608 ball and just so good with banter. But also very 0:03:27.688 --> 0:03:31.088 much the look he gave me too, very charming character. 0:03:31.808 --> 0:03:34.768 But yeah, he was very much the jail bird. As 0:03:34.808 --> 0:03:37.168 soon as you looked at him, you knew I've had 0:03:37.248 --> 0:03:40.568 a very colorful life, and I find it a lot 0:03:40.688 --> 0:03:45.648 easier to see males that have at least knowledge about 0:03:46.088 --> 0:03:47.168 a colorful life. 0:03:47.528 --> 0:03:50.008 They hung out all night, chatting about what turned out 0:03:50.048 --> 0:03:52.848 to be a heap of mutual friends they shared. They laughed, 0:03:52.968 --> 0:03:56.168 had banter, and yeah, there was very obvious flirting. 0:03:56.808 --> 0:03:59.168 It was just really fun, like we just had fun. 0:03:59.968 --> 0:04:03.248 And as the night progressed, there was a few moments 0:04:03.248 --> 0:04:05.408 where he just he would freak out and go, oh, 0:04:05.448 --> 0:04:08.208 this is trouble. I would act o'coy and be like, 0:04:08.248 --> 0:04:10.208 what do you mean? This is trouble, and he's you 0:04:11.208 --> 0:04:16.407 because you what do you mean? He's like, you're my 0:04:16.488 --> 0:04:22.808 future ex wife, and then because I was so infatuated 0:04:22.848 --> 0:04:26.128 with him, I was like, oh haha, hopefully hah. He 0:04:26.207 --> 0:04:28.928 kept coming up to me and going, fuck, you're so hot. 0:04:29.087 --> 0:04:31.448 And then it ended just me and him in one 0:04:31.488 --> 0:04:34.568 of the spare rooms together, just talking shit the whole night, laughing. 0:04:35.528 --> 0:04:39.328 It felt like I'd known him for twenty years and 0:04:39.888 --> 0:04:42.968 we were from not the same area, but areas that 0:04:42.967 --> 0:04:46.207 were very close, and it was just so fun and comfortable. 0:04:46.408 --> 0:04:49.968 It was the comfortability of it. I ended up going 0:04:50.008 --> 0:04:54.528 home about four am, I think, and that was the Saturday. 0:04:54.768 --> 0:04:58.287 And then on the Monday he messaged me and he said, 0:04:58.727 --> 0:05:01.608 I'm so upset I didn't go home with you. And 0:05:01.688 --> 0:05:04.528 I was like, we're on here, girls, like message to 0:05:04.528 --> 0:05:07.128 the girls, cup chat, let's go girls. And then it 0:05:07.168 --> 0:05:12.328 was just back and forth texting, really flirty banter, sarcasm, 0:05:12.488 --> 0:05:15.728 kind of like making fun of each other. And that's 0:05:15.768 --> 0:05:18.287 the thing that really gets me that it's the ongoing banter. 0:05:19.288 --> 0:05:22.528 That's the thing that makes me go hard eyed. And 0:05:22.568 --> 0:05:24.208 then he just said, oh, what are you doing on Friday, 0:05:24.288 --> 0:05:27.208 Let's catch up for a drink. I thought, okay. In 0:05:27.248 --> 0:05:28.847 all week I was like, oh my god, I believe. 0:05:29.727 --> 0:05:33.168 I was so excited and so nervous at that point 0:05:33.248 --> 0:05:36.648 in time because we did have a lot of mutual friends, 0:05:36.768 --> 0:05:39.248 and I had asked maybe two or three of them 0:05:39.288 --> 0:05:42.288 what they knew about him as a trade he was 0:05:42.327 --> 0:05:45.768 a carpenter, and that he was a very violent guy. 0:05:46.847 --> 0:05:52.288 The thing that everyone referenced was he got found guilty 0:05:52.408 --> 0:05:55.287 of these really big charges. He ended up going to 0:05:55.327 --> 0:05:59.048 jail for it, and you know, his victim services, you know, 0:05:59.087 --> 0:06:02.647 two hundred thousand dollars or something, and I just thought, oh, 0:06:02.688 --> 0:06:05.128 that's pretty crazy. But it was in his I think 0:06:05.168 --> 0:06:06.767 it was when he was about twenty four, and I 0:06:06.847 --> 0:06:10.167 just thought, oh, you know, like young. He was a 0:06:10.248 --> 0:06:13.088 very cruel guy in the area too. Everyone knew him. 0:06:13.888 --> 0:06:17.728 All the other guys were scared of him. Quite masculine, 0:06:17.847 --> 0:06:22.568 and you know, really like held himself, and someone with 0:06:22.648 --> 0:06:25.008 a past like mine, I like to feel protected. I 0:06:25.128 --> 0:06:27.128 like to feel like someone's holding the reins and I 0:06:27.168 --> 0:06:29.967 can just kind of chill, like I'm an independent woman, 0:06:30.008 --> 0:06:32.448 but sometimes it's nice to, you know, hand the reins 0:06:32.488 --> 0:06:36.288 over and he was exactly that, and I was just 0:06:37.408 --> 0:06:38.688 so infactuated by it. 0:06:39.368 --> 0:06:43.168 Tessa decided to overlook any potential red flags. Yes, they 0:06:43.248 --> 0:06:45.328 could have been that for others, but for her, this 0:06:45.528 --> 0:06:48.327 was exactly the type of guy she wanted. So it 0:06:48.368 --> 0:06:50.128 was time for a proper first date. 0:06:50.648 --> 0:06:52.727 They said, let's go to a pub New Yorks. So 0:06:52.768 --> 0:06:56.647 I lived in a very cool inner city suburb. Lots 0:06:56.688 --> 0:06:59.328 of really cool pubs are aunts. So we arranged a 0:06:59.327 --> 0:07:02.488 pub to meet up. I walked in, I couldn't see 0:07:02.528 --> 0:07:05.448 him anywhere, and then I went into the poky room 0:07:05.488 --> 0:07:07.408 and he was there playing the pokys, and I just thought, 0:07:07.408 --> 0:07:08.007 oh god. 0:07:08.967 --> 0:07:09.608 But there. 0:07:10.168 --> 0:07:12.008 Of course, within about ten minutes, I was back to 0:07:12.048 --> 0:07:15.927 being absolutely infatuated. And we had a few drinks there, 0:07:16.208 --> 0:07:19.248 and then we went to another bar. But the whole 0:07:19.288 --> 0:07:25.008 time his phone kept ringing consistently, over over over, like 0:07:25.208 --> 0:07:27.167 to the point where he couldn't really use his phone. 0:07:27.368 --> 0:07:30.008 It was just NonStop, and it got to the point 0:07:30.008 --> 0:07:32.688 where I was like, you probably want to answer that 0:07:32.688 --> 0:07:35.728 it might be an emergency. Oh no, no, no, it's nothing, 0:07:35.727 --> 0:07:39.368 it's nothing, okay. So we kept partying at this bar, 0:07:40.248 --> 0:07:43.927 went back to mine. Obviously, he stayed the night. We 0:07:44.008 --> 0:07:47.328 slept together, of course, and then he literally never left 0:07:47.328 --> 0:07:51.808 my house from that day. It just felt so comfortable 0:07:52.328 --> 0:07:54.728 and even though we hadn't known each other for long, 0:07:55.808 --> 0:08:00.487 it felt like we had And with myself being thirty 0:08:01.607 --> 0:08:04.368 living alone for many years, it was really nice to 0:08:04.408 --> 0:08:08.167 have that comfort. And he was the same age as me, 0:08:08.288 --> 0:08:10.248 had the same values as me, and I just thought, 0:08:10.248 --> 0:08:13.808 oh my god, I found my person great. So I 0:08:14.008 --> 0:08:17.248 just completely I wanted him to be there. I loved 0:08:17.248 --> 0:08:21.367 having him there. Probably within the first three weeks, really 0:08:21.488 --> 0:08:25.448 really quickly. He made me feel so comfortable and so 0:08:25.607 --> 0:08:28.728 at ease, and yeah, it's almost like I felt more 0:08:28.768 --> 0:08:32.808 relaxed having him there than without him there. He was 0:08:32.848 --> 0:08:34.727 telling me I was the love of his life and 0:08:34.768 --> 0:08:38.128 that we were going to get married, and we sat 0:08:38.168 --> 0:08:40.408 out a timeline that did it approximately in about a 0:08:40.488 --> 0:08:43.368 year's time. We would try for a baby before then, 0:08:43.408 --> 0:08:45.928 we were going to go to Thailand. We had all 0:08:45.968 --> 0:08:48.248 the plans in the world. We were speaking about where 0:08:48.288 --> 0:08:51.168 we were going to live, what he was going to 0:08:51.168 --> 0:08:52.568 do with his career, what I was going to do 0:08:52.608 --> 0:08:55.368 with my career, and I just thought, oh my god, 0:08:55.408 --> 0:08:57.888 this is it. It's finally my turn. Finally. 0:08:58.768 --> 0:09:00.968 I know what you're thinking. We've released enough of these 0:09:01.008 --> 0:09:04.248 episodes by now, isn't this about the time our spidy 0:09:04.328 --> 0:09:07.088 senses prick up hearing these stories, and we get that 0:09:07.168 --> 0:09:09.648 sinking feelings something's about to burst the bubble. 0:09:10.088 --> 0:09:13.968 During that time, I'd noticed he was very suspicious, I 0:09:14.008 --> 0:09:18.008 guess with his phone and it would always be ringing always, 0:09:19.528 --> 0:09:22.048 And he was at my house for about two weeks 0:09:22.088 --> 0:09:26.288 and then a friend of mine messaged me and said, oh, 0:09:26.368 --> 0:09:29.488 I heard you're seeing Daniel. You do know that he's 0:09:29.488 --> 0:09:32.528 got a wife and two kids at home, right, and 0:09:32.808 --> 0:09:38.328 there it is. I confronted Daniel about it. He apologized profusely, 0:09:38.648 --> 0:09:43.688 said that his ex wife he had left weeks and 0:09:43.728 --> 0:09:48.048 weeks ago and she just wasn't over it. And then 0:09:48.288 --> 0:09:52.688 he told her that I knew that she knew about us. 0:09:53.128 --> 0:09:56.648 And then every single day she would call his phone 0:09:57.208 --> 0:09:59.448 and he would answer it in fear it was about 0:09:59.488 --> 0:10:03.288 his sons, and she would just hurl abuse of me 0:10:04.688 --> 0:10:07.968 for like a good twenty thirty minutes. It got to 0:10:07.968 --> 0:10:10.808 the point where it was comical. But then the longer 0:10:10.848 --> 0:10:13.408 it went on, the worst it got. It got to 0:10:13.448 --> 0:10:17.848 the point where she would call and be speaking to 0:10:17.888 --> 0:10:23.168 her sons. Oh, this is the fucking dirty slut that 0:10:23.248 --> 0:10:27.288 your dad left us for. These kids were about four 0:10:27.568 --> 0:10:32.607 and nine maybe, and she would say, like, oh, go, 0:10:32.648 --> 0:10:35.968 your dad's nothing but a fucking dirty jail bird. He's 0:10:36.048 --> 0:10:39.368 just run off through this fucking dirty ganger. It was 0:10:39.408 --> 0:10:41.408 to the point that I actually felt for this woman, 0:10:42.488 --> 0:10:44.648 like it was annoying, but I was just like, Oh, whatever, 0:10:44.768 --> 0:10:46.448 it's going to make her feel better for twenty minutes 0:10:46.448 --> 0:10:47.168 a day, go for it. 0:10:47.888 --> 0:10:50.368 But the thing is, Daniel had never mentioned an next 0:10:50.408 --> 0:10:52.368 wife at all, let alone kids. 0:10:52.728 --> 0:10:55.168 When he apologized, he said that he did want to 0:10:55.208 --> 0:10:59.448 tell me, but he was just so infatuated with me 0:10:59.728 --> 0:11:01.928 that he didn't want to ruin any chance of us 0:11:01.968 --> 0:11:05.328 being together. He was quite insecure about it because he 0:11:05.368 --> 0:11:07.928 knows a lot of single women without kids don't really 0:11:07.968 --> 0:11:10.688 want a guy with kids on first Bay, which I 0:11:10.768 --> 0:11:17.528 understand that he apologized profusely. He really really utilized the 0:11:17.568 --> 0:11:21.328 fact that I'm a mental health social worker, so I'm 0:11:21.408 --> 0:11:26.128 very understanding, very empathetic. And he said he got abuse 0:11:26.488 --> 0:11:29.248 and it started to all come back up and it's 0:11:29.288 --> 0:11:32.808 impacted everything in his life, and he started crying, and 0:11:32.848 --> 0:11:35.848 I just was like, I was heartbroken for him. And 0:11:35.888 --> 0:11:39.328 then when this woman was calling daily and saying all 0:11:39.408 --> 0:11:45.128 of this stuff, it made it seem believable, like really believable. 0:11:46.008 --> 0:11:48.048 Now it was all out in the open. Tenser never 0:11:48.168 --> 0:11:50.848 questioned whether Daniel was telling the truth when he said 0:11:50.888 --> 0:11:53.448 he and his ex had separated months ago and he'd 0:11:53.488 --> 0:11:55.968 been living with his parents since that's why he was 0:11:56.008 --> 0:11:58.328 staying with her so much, so it only made sense. 0:11:58.408 --> 0:12:01.288 He slowly started to move in, but from there the 0:12:01.408 --> 0:12:05.608 drama only worsened with the ex, but also with Daniel himself. 0:12:06.328 --> 0:12:10.528 It went on for months and months, and just more 0:12:10.528 --> 0:12:13.688 of his stuff he just started bringing every week. There 0:12:13.688 --> 0:12:16.488 was just more of his stuff at my house. And 0:12:16.528 --> 0:12:19.288 then she would go through periods of stopping him from 0:12:19.328 --> 0:12:23.928 seeing his sons, which would really upset him. I think 0:12:23.968 --> 0:12:28.488 after about three months of that, we were partying with 0:12:28.528 --> 0:12:32.248 some of my friends one night and he just turned 0:12:32.248 --> 0:12:35.088 around to me and said, I know, when you went 0:12:35.128 --> 0:12:37.568 to the bottle before, you were sucking cock in the alleyway, 0:12:39.648 --> 0:12:42.528 and I was like, I'm so what. For probably about 0:12:42.528 --> 0:12:45.128 the first ten seconds I was laughing because I actually 0:12:45.128 --> 0:12:48.728 thought he was joking, And then when I noticed that 0:12:49.528 --> 0:12:52.928 wild look on his face that I'd never ever seen, 0:12:54.568 --> 0:12:58.608 it was kind of, oh, crap, he's being serious. I'd 0:12:58.688 --> 0:13:01.688 never seen this look on his face before. I'd never 0:13:01.728 --> 0:13:05.528 seen him look that absolutely terrifying. It's like his whole 0:13:05.688 --> 0:13:09.208 eye shape changed, and he'd never spoken to me like 0:13:09.208 --> 0:13:13.048 that before. It felt like the person I knew had 0:13:13.128 --> 0:13:15.288 just been thrown out the window and this was a 0:13:15.328 --> 0:13:18.448 whole new person. And I just kept saying, Babe, what 0:13:18.448 --> 0:13:21.208 are you talking about? What the heck are you? Have 0:13:21.328 --> 0:13:24.488 you taken something? What is wrong with you? And it 0:13:24.528 --> 0:13:27.248 was like just like he couldn't hear me, and he 0:13:27.328 --> 0:13:32.648 was so livid and serious and had this crazy look 0:13:32.688 --> 0:13:34.968 in his eyes, and I just thought, what the fuck 0:13:35.088 --> 0:13:38.968 is going on? And then he just told me that, 0:13:39.248 --> 0:13:41.408 you know, he can't fucking deal with me, and then 0:13:41.448 --> 0:13:44.408 he left and I didn't see him till the next day, 0:13:44.808 --> 0:13:48.008 and then just walked out, turned his phone off, and 0:13:48.088 --> 0:13:50.568 I just stood there for so long with my girlfriend, 0:13:50.608 --> 0:13:54.168 like what just happened? And I was so perplexed my 0:13:54.208 --> 0:13:59.048 brain was spinning. The next day, in the afternoon, he 0:13:59.128 --> 0:14:01.848 called me. His phone had been off that entire time. 0:14:02.088 --> 0:14:05.648 He was living with me by this stage too, and 0:14:05.688 --> 0:14:08.488 he had been out all night all the next day, 0:14:09.408 --> 0:14:12.328 and then he called me in the afternoon and he 0:14:12.368 --> 0:14:16.168 just said, yeah, I'm really sorry, hey, And I said, 0:14:16.208 --> 0:14:19.328 do you know what you're sorry for? And he said, yeah, absolutely, 0:14:19.568 --> 0:14:21.488 just I just love you so much and it's just 0:14:21.528 --> 0:14:25.408 so scary, and you know, because my ex is such 0:14:25.448 --> 0:14:27.728 a psycho, I'm so paranoid that I'm going to get 0:14:27.728 --> 0:14:32.008 another one. And me being me, oh babe, like no, 0:14:32.128 --> 0:14:36.648 I understand, like I understand trauma, I understand triggers and 0:14:36.648 --> 0:14:41.448 how you'll respond to them, etc. Everything went back to normal, 0:14:42.088 --> 0:14:45.368 and then about two weeks after that, the exact same 0:14:45.368 --> 0:14:50.808 thing happened when we were out with friends, and it 0:14:50.848 --> 0:14:53.328 was just a repeat. He went out all night all 0:14:53.368 --> 0:14:57.048 the next day, called me, apologized, and ended up coming home. 0:14:57.608 --> 0:15:00.968 But it wasn't all bad. Tessa swears, outside of these 0:15:00.968 --> 0:15:04.288 blow ups, the relationship she thought was otherwise wonderful. 0:15:04.848 --> 0:15:08.168 It was absolutely beautiful. Just on the way here, just 0:15:08.168 --> 0:15:11.008 to refresh my memory, I watched a video of the 0:15:11.088 --> 0:15:15.048 day he came home with these huge buquet of flowers 0:15:15.488 --> 0:15:17.968 and he filmed it and he just said I love you, baby, 0:15:18.008 --> 0:15:21.688 and gave me a big hug and kiss. That was 0:15:21.728 --> 0:15:25.888 just for no reason, or he would he was so affectionate, 0:15:26.128 --> 0:15:28.968 and he would present it in a way, even though 0:15:28.968 --> 0:15:31.088 he would use my trauma against me. When he was 0:15:31.368 --> 0:15:35.288 not being an asshole, he was so caring and empathetic, 0:15:36.208 --> 0:15:39.408 and he saw me as a whole person. He didn't 0:15:39.448 --> 0:15:43.528 just see me as a stripper. He saw everything. It 0:15:44.088 --> 0:15:47.768 seems like he saw everything about me, and that's what 0:15:48.008 --> 0:15:49.728 was I thought he's the one. 0:15:50.128 --> 0:15:53.568 But dear listener, once a leopard shows his spots, it's rare. 0:15:53.608 --> 0:15:57.128 He'd change them. The same toxic patterns kept coming back. 0:15:57.608 --> 0:15:59.728 So we would be at a pub, for example, and 0:15:59.768 --> 0:16:01.528 he would just say, I just saw you looking at 0:16:01.528 --> 0:16:05.448 that guy. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there, what guy? I can't 0:16:05.448 --> 0:16:09.208 see him? And he would really believe it and be 0:16:09.328 --> 0:16:13.568 really angry, take it and run with it. And even 0:16:13.608 --> 0:16:17.008 if other people kind of interjected and said mate, like no, 0:16:17.128 --> 0:16:19.528 she wasn't she wasn't doing that at all, he would 0:16:19.528 --> 0:16:22.368 just try and fight them, and because he was this big, 0:16:22.408 --> 0:16:26.968 tough jail bird who everyone was really scared of, no 0:16:26.968 --> 0:16:29.808 one would say anything to him, and then he would 0:16:29.808 --> 0:16:34.008 just leave again. I truly believed that he would never ever, 0:16:34.168 --> 0:16:37.448 ever be unfaithful to me, but I couldn't think of 0:16:37.528 --> 0:16:41.448 anything else until I did find out through the grape 0:16:41.488 --> 0:16:45.448 vine that he apparently used to have a really bad 0:16:45.888 --> 0:16:50.208 gambling Pokey addiction, so I thought, maybe he's going to 0:16:50.248 --> 0:16:53.648 do that. I started to think, well, maybe what he's 0:16:53.688 --> 0:16:58.248 doing is he's creating a fight with me to create 0:16:58.288 --> 0:17:01.128 a reason to be able to leave and storm out 0:17:01.768 --> 0:17:04.408 and I guess, a reason to be away from home 0:17:04.447 --> 0:17:07.447 for the next twenty four hours so he could go 0:17:07.488 --> 0:17:13.088 and gamble and get on Pokey's without knowing and be 0:17:13.248 --> 0:17:16.328 really undercover about it. Then the way he would speak 0:17:16.368 --> 0:17:19.528 about it the next day, he was super gas lighting. 0:17:20.688 --> 0:17:22.568 He would tell me that I was the one with 0:17:22.688 --> 0:17:26.528 trauma and I'm the one who's triggered by him, and 0:17:27.328 --> 0:17:30.128 really use I guess my trauma and my life experience 0:17:30.168 --> 0:17:33.048 against me. When I would try and call him out 0:17:33.048 --> 0:17:35.448 on these behaviors, he would get really angry and say 0:17:35.488 --> 0:17:37.528 things like, well, no, wonder your dad didn't fucking want you, 0:17:38.648 --> 0:17:42.688 and my dad left the country when I was three 0:17:42.768 --> 0:17:44.687 days old, and I've never heard from him, don't know 0:17:44.688 --> 0:17:49.288 who he is. And obviously because I doing sex work, 0:17:49.368 --> 0:17:51.368 he would say, oh, you're nothing good but a fucking 0:17:51.408 --> 0:17:53.608 pair of chis to stare at, or you're nothing, or 0:17:53.688 --> 0:17:56.088 go and fucking hang out with those old gross men 0:17:56.128 --> 0:18:01.488 that pay you like, really really demeaning things, and it 0:18:01.768 --> 0:18:07.608 really quickly broke my whole self esteem, ego, self worth, everything. 0:18:08.208 --> 0:18:10.447 So at the beginning, it seems like it was a 0:18:10.448 --> 0:18:14.368 few you know, every few weeks something like this would happen. 0:18:15.048 --> 0:18:18.368 But then as time went on, it progressively started getting 0:18:18.808 --> 0:18:23.407 shorter in time of when it would happen and more intense. 0:18:23.728 --> 0:18:29.688 He started being quite physically abusive, but I think the 0:18:29.728 --> 0:18:33.848 worst thing was the verbal abuse from him, because he 0:18:33.888 --> 0:18:37.288 would really go for the jugular and say things that 0:18:37.328 --> 0:18:41.447 are really out of line, really personal, hurtful things with 0:18:41.528 --> 0:18:44.848 the intention to hurt me as well. But then as 0:18:45.208 --> 0:18:48.967 that journey continued over time, the worst he got and 0:18:49.008 --> 0:18:52.608 the more frequently he did. This time had gone on, 0:18:52.728 --> 0:18:56.207 so my self esteem and my self worth had gone 0:18:56.568 --> 0:19:02.368 whew so quickly. And he would come home the next 0:19:02.448 --> 0:19:06.128 day and say say sorry, but not really explain anything. 0:19:07.088 --> 0:19:09.728 And if I asked, he would just say, we've spoke 0:19:09.968 --> 0:19:11.608 about it, it's done. Leave it in the past. 0:19:12.528 --> 0:19:14.808 Now, Tessa is going to jump in here and answer 0:19:14.808 --> 0:19:17.368 the question she thinks you're all asking at this point, 0:19:17.688 --> 0:19:18.687 why did she stay? 0:19:19.328 --> 0:19:22.648 I grew up in a really really really low socio 0:19:23.048 --> 0:19:26.928 economic household, grew up in social housing, a lot of addiction, 0:19:27.288 --> 0:19:31.208 a lot of domestic violence. My home was always really chaotic, 0:19:31.208 --> 0:19:34.288 and the men in my home abused every woman, and 0:19:34.448 --> 0:19:38.288 that was a very normal thing to me. I ended 0:19:38.328 --> 0:19:42.167 up leaving home when I was fourteen or fifteen because 0:19:42.208 --> 0:19:45.407 I told my mother, you need to make a choice 0:19:45.408 --> 0:19:48.167 me or him. With her boyfriend that she'd been with 0:19:48.248 --> 0:19:51.488 for about ten years, and every weekend he would beat 0:19:51.528 --> 0:19:55.288 her black and blue, and she told me, you can 0:19:55.328 --> 0:19:58.247 get your stuff and go. So I was out, and 0:19:58.288 --> 0:20:03.048 then being so young, homeless, so traumatized, without realizing it 0:20:03.088 --> 0:20:06.528 was trauma, I ended up in a relationship with a 0:20:06.568 --> 0:20:09.407 twenty three year old and I would get fourteen fifteen 0:20:09.408 --> 0:20:12.648 at the time, and I lived with him and he 0:20:12.768 --> 0:20:16.248 ended up being horrible too. I somehow managed to finish 0:20:16.368 --> 0:20:21.247 high school, though, and it's just been a pattern since then. 0:20:21.368 --> 0:20:27.128 And it's the amount of self hate I have about it, 0:20:27.168 --> 0:20:30.247 because someone who grew up in it, someone who's a 0:20:30.368 --> 0:20:35.248 social worker, I've worked in dev services, I should know better. 0:20:36.448 --> 0:20:40.008 And there's so much shame in that. And I think 0:20:41.128 --> 0:20:44.488 a lot of not leaving was just trying to keep 0:20:44.528 --> 0:20:48.007 hoping it would get better, rather than admitting default that 0:20:48.048 --> 0:20:51.808 it was ruined. And I think also my age. I 0:20:51.848 --> 0:20:54.768 mean I was thirty at the time. A lot of 0:20:54.768 --> 0:20:56.608 my girlfriends, if not all of them, were in long 0:20:56.648 --> 0:21:01.768 term relationships. The body clock's ticken, you know, and that 0:21:01.888 --> 0:21:05.488 was still only about five months in. Everything moved real quick. 0:21:05.848 --> 0:21:07.608 It was kind of like, oh, well, that's what just 0:21:07.648 --> 0:21:09.888 happens at this age, because everyone's like, we don't have 0:21:09.968 --> 0:21:12.247 any time to waste, We've got to get going, so 0:21:12.288 --> 0:21:16.288 I'll just roll with it. So much had happened. So 0:21:16.368 --> 0:21:20.167 he's living with me already. I'm helping him do his 0:21:20.248 --> 0:21:24.648 divorce and line through the government portal to divorce his 0:21:24.768 --> 0:21:28.128 ex wife, who's calling me every day. Was coming up 0:21:28.128 --> 0:21:31.407 to Christmas and I hadn't met his children yet, but 0:21:31.448 --> 0:21:34.088 we were doing toy shopping together for his boys and 0:21:34.168 --> 0:21:36.648 Christmas wrapping, and he was like, you're going to be 0:21:36.648 --> 0:21:38.447 the best step mom. I'm so excited for I was, 0:21:38.648 --> 0:21:41.168 you know, already planning things. Oh, take them to Muay 0:21:41.168 --> 0:21:43.927 Thai training, I'll do this, do that. So excited to 0:21:43.928 --> 0:21:45.688 be stepmom. So excited. 0:21:46.768 --> 0:21:49.568 But of course there was always the niggling question about 0:21:49.568 --> 0:21:51.928 why Daniel would behave and speak to her the way 0:21:51.968 --> 0:21:55.608 he did. Time after time. She didn't go digging per se, 0:21:56.088 --> 0:21:58.968 but she decided to keep her ears a little more open. 0:22:00.728 --> 0:22:03.568 He had started doing this very odd thing where I 0:22:03.608 --> 0:22:06.968 would go to bed around ten pm and he would 0:22:07.008 --> 0:22:11.088 stay on our unit balcony and I could see him 0:22:11.088 --> 0:22:13.128 from the bed and he would just stand out there 0:22:13.128 --> 0:22:16.368 on his phone so intensely, and I would lay in 0:22:16.408 --> 0:22:20.207 bed and think, what the heck is he doing. I 0:22:20.248 --> 0:22:22.968 started to hear notifications from his phone that I didn't 0:22:23.008 --> 0:22:27.528 recognize the sound for. And on that Friday it went 0:22:27.568 --> 0:22:29.968 off and I said, what app is that? I don't 0:22:30.048 --> 0:22:32.927 know that noise? And he said, oh, it's just a 0:22:32.928 --> 0:22:37.848 car one, okay. And then the more I started hearing it, 0:22:37.888 --> 0:22:40.168 the more I was like, so I was sitting well 0:22:40.208 --> 0:22:42.528 with me for some bizarre reason. It's just all very like, 0:22:42.568 --> 0:22:46.687 it's very odd. And then he started to pick the 0:22:46.688 --> 0:22:49.608 fights with me and leave for the whole night, you know, 0:22:49.688 --> 0:22:51.687 multiple times a week at the stage, and he was 0:22:51.808 --> 0:22:56.728 drinking and taking drugs very heavily. That definitely ramped up. 0:22:57.528 --> 0:23:00.888 This was a six month smart At the time, though, 0:23:00.928 --> 0:23:04.407 I was saying, oh, it's because his ex wife and 0:23:04.408 --> 0:23:06.128 he's not seeing his kids as much, and that's a 0:23:06.168 --> 0:23:12.048 hard transition and really being empathetic and understanding. One morning, 0:23:12.608 --> 0:23:15.088 I woke up for work and he was asleep next 0:23:15.088 --> 0:23:18.728 to me, and I heard the weird notification noise that 0:23:18.808 --> 0:23:21.728 I previously had never heard. When I was in an 0:23:21.768 --> 0:23:24.967 abusive relationship in my early twenties, I sware to myself 0:23:25.008 --> 0:23:28.168 after that relationship, I would never check a partner's phone 0:23:28.288 --> 0:23:32.608