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Speaker 1: You're listening to a Mother Mia podcast.

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Speaker 2: Mamma Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land. We

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Speaker 2: have recorded this podcast on the Gatagoul people of the

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Speaker 2: Eora Nation. We pay our respects to their elders past

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Speaker 2: and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and

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Speaker 2: Torres Strait islander cultures.

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Speaker 3: Hi, it's Grace from This Glorious Mess introducing hot Pod Summer.

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Speaker 3: It's one hundred hours of curated listening across the Mumma

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Speaker 3: mea network just for you to escape the chaos and

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Speaker 3: enjoy with the kids at home and the weather warming up.

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Speaker 3: We're going to share some episodes of Little Love Stories.

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Speaker 3: Little Love Stories is an open hearted conversation with someone

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Speaker 3: who has loved to share that love can be anything,

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Speaker 3: a time in someone's life, a person, or even an object.

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Speaker 3: It's all about discovering the magic everywhere you look. So

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Speaker 3: I hope you enjoy this episode of Little Love Stories.

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Speaker 1: I love you how you live with them?

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Speaker 3: From Mamma Mia and This Glorious Mess. Welcome to Little

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Speaker 3: Love Stories. I'm Grace Rubrey, the producer of This Glorious Mess.

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Speaker 3: What do you think when I say strong, is it muscles?

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Speaker 3: A physical strength, maybe even lifting something. You may know

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Speaker 3: Olympian Libby Trickett as Libby Lynton. She became a household

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Speaker 3: name in the early two thousands swimming for Australia in

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Speaker 3: the Olympic Games, and she's got a few gold medals

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Speaker 3: under her belt.

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Speaker 1: I should be Australia first and second. Here they made it.

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Speaker 1: Let's have a look at Libby's time. He's fifty two

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Speaker 1: ninety time.

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Speaker 2: Is that time surprise you?

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Speaker 4: Yeah? Absolutely, I'm The fact that I was able to

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Speaker 4: back up and go under it again is just like

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Speaker 4: I said, It's awesome.

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Speaker 3: So you may look at Libby and think of physical strength,

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Speaker 3: but she wasn't prepared for a different kind of strength

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Speaker 3: she would need once she retired from swimming.

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Speaker 1: I'm capable.

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Speaker 4: I'm doing this like I'm one of the strongest women

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Speaker 4: in the world. I'm the fastest woman of I have

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Speaker 4: been the fastest woman in the world ever, ever, and

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Speaker 4: here I was at thirty, completely out of my depth.

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Speaker 3: Libby's world, like so many new parents, was completely turned

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Speaker 3: upside down by the arrival of her first baby, Poppy.

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Speaker 1: It's nothing you ever imagine that you're going to experience,

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Speaker 1: especially with your first baby. You go into it.

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Speaker 5: You're like, I'm going to be a correct mother. This

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Speaker 5: is the next thing that I want to do.

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Speaker 3: And it was there in the depths of darkness with

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Speaker 3: her newborn baby that Libby was overcome with postnatal depression,

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Speaker 3: a time where Libby felt like she had hit rock bottom.

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Speaker 3: But it is strength, even in just taking one step forward,

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Speaker 3: that helped Libby continue walking and lifting herself out of

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Speaker 3: that place.

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Speaker 4: You will love the person that I have become, and

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Speaker 4: really the only reason she is here is because of

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Speaker 4: the strength you found in twenty fifteen.

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Speaker 3: I'm so glad that Libby shared her little love story

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Speaker 3: with us. Now to you, Libby is incredibly honest and

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Speaker 3: open about her experience with postnatal depression. And if this

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Speaker 3: is a tricky for you, please take care when listening.

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Speaker 3: You are a household name and you have been for

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Speaker 3: many years. So I'm grateful to have you on Little

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Speaker 3: Love Stories and to share this letter that you've written

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Speaker 3: to yourself, which is beautiful. But let's go back. You

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Speaker 3: are olympian, Lippy Tricket. Why do people use the term

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Speaker 3: former olympian when you're retiring for sport? And is that

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Speaker 3: an offensive term?

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Speaker 1: It's such a good question.

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Speaker 4: It's a really weird thing that we Olympians feel very

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Speaker 4: strongly about. There's this whole idea of once an Olympian,

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Speaker 4: always an Olympian, right. It's such a hard thing to achieve,

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Speaker 4: just to be an Olympian, to get to the Olympics.

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Speaker 4: It's such a challenging and difficult thing to do, and

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Speaker 4: it's such a big part of your identity, and it's

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Speaker 4: something that even though you have left the sport and

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Speaker 4: moved on, it's still such a part of how you.

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Speaker 1: See yourself and it's kind of nice to acknowledge that

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Speaker 1: part of you still.

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Speaker 4: And I do say it tongue in cheek, because you know,

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Speaker 4: we get called former Olympians all of the time, but

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Speaker 4: I always go, actually, once an Olympian, always an Olympian.

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Speaker 3: Well, I mean, you don't keep your medals back, do you?

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Speaker 3: They're yours? Where do you keep your medals?

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Speaker 4: I used to keep them in my Undia's drawl.

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Speaker 1: And then I heard of a few people.

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Speaker 4: Getting metals stolen, just in random break ins and things

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Speaker 4: like that, so I was like, I'd be pretty sad

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Speaker 4: if you know, my Olympic medals got stolen. I mean

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Speaker 4: I'd be sad if my house got broken into full stop.

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Speaker 4: But you know, particularly if those things got stolen. So

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Speaker 4: my Olympic medals are in a safe and then the

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Speaker 4: rest of them are in a lovely chest.

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Speaker 3: Well, we are starting talking about swimming, because that is

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Speaker 3: how you start your little nup story, and you talk

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Speaker 3: about strength. Could you read that first part out for us?

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Speaker 4: You are incredibly strong, but you don't yet know how

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Speaker 4: deep your strength will go. As a swimmer, you are

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Speaker 4: physically strong, your body lean and muscled from the hours

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Speaker 4: in the pool and the gym. Mentally, you are able

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Speaker 4: to control your nerves and perform in the highest pressure

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Speaker 4: situations with everything writing on a sharp and frenetic fifty

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Speaker 4: three seconds of frantic effort.

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Speaker 3: What is the headspace of the fifty three seconds before

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Speaker 3: that fifty three seconds going back?

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Speaker 1: Even well before a race.

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Speaker 4: You have to be in that mindset of believing that

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Speaker 4: you can be the best in the world. It is

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Speaker 4: a very hyper competitive, hyper focused mindset, and you pour

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Speaker 4: everything into training, You pour everything into your performances. You

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Speaker 4: are libby trick at the swimmer like that is how

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Speaker 4: you see yourself. It's how you value yourself and the

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Speaker 4: goal is to win at the highest level. You have

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Speaker 4: to have this just unwavering belief. And the funny thing

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Speaker 4: is that I had so many chinks in my armor.

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Speaker 4: I had so many red flags, I guess, in terms

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Speaker 4: of being able to handle that pressure and expectation and

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Speaker 4: that desire to win. And I know that if I

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Speaker 4: didn't win. I know that if I didn't perform at

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Speaker 4: the level that I wanted to, that I would feel

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Speaker 4: incredibly disappointed in myself and that would start sort of

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Speaker 4: a spiral of shame. And anytime I didn't achieve what

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Speaker 4: I wanted to at that level, it literally felt like

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Speaker 4: the world was falling out from underneath my feet. That's

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Speaker 4: how I proved my worth to everyone and to myself.

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Speaker 4: It's a very intense mindset, and it's so weird because

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Speaker 4: that sounds all terrible, right like it so it's pretty hormful.

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Speaker 4: But it's so funny because that's one of the things

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Speaker 4: that I miss. I miss that intensity. I miss that

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Speaker 4: deep focused work and driving towards one very specific goal.

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Speaker 4: What a joy that is and what a joy I

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Speaker 4: had doing that. I just wish I had the perspective

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Speaker 4: that I have now, like I always joke to my

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Speaker 4: husband if only I had the brain that I have

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Speaker 4: now back then, I think I would have been able

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Speaker 4: to enjoy it for one a lot more. But I

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Speaker 4: actually do think I would have been able to perform

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Speaker 4: better as well, because you release that intensity of the pressure.

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Speaker 4: You still feel it, you still are in it, and

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Speaker 4: you still have that desire to be the best, but

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Speaker 4: it's just not live or die.

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Speaker 3: Basically, you go on to talk about your relationship with

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Speaker 3: failure in your little love story, and that it's not

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Speaker 3: just about losing a race. It does creep into your

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Speaker 3: personal life. Can you read that part of your essay?

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Speaker 4: After what feels like an unending sleep deprivation and zero

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Speaker 4: control over this little being, you will rapidly spiral into

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Speaker 4: postnatal depression. You'll feel like a failure at every moment

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Speaker 4: of every day. You'll struggle to make decisions and eventually

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Speaker 4: think harmful thoughts about your daughter and a desire to

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Speaker 4: no longer be here.

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Speaker 1: It will feel just too painful.

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Speaker 4: Excruciating will be an accurate description of that time in

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Speaker 4: your life. This might seem like a very strange moment

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Speaker 4: to be grateful for, but you will be because it

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Speaker 4: was in this moment that you found your true strength.

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Speaker 3: What did feeling like a failure in parenting feel like

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Speaker 3: in the depths of those.

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Speaker 1: Moments, it felt hard breaking.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, even though I'm so far from that person, I

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Speaker 4: am transported back there in the blink of an eye.

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Speaker 4: So many women around the world are parents and mothers

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Speaker 4: and look like they're thriving, absolutely thriving, And here I am.

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Speaker 1: And you know, I'm yelling at my.

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Speaker 4: Seven month old baby because she's crying and I can't

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Speaker 4: get her to calm down. It's incredibly fragile. That is

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Speaker 4: not the mentality that I had as an athlete. Right,

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Speaker 4: You're like, I'm capable. I'm doing this like I'm one

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Speaker 4: of the strongest women in the world. I'm the fastest woman. Oh,

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Speaker 4: I have been the fastest woman in the world ever, ever,

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Speaker 4: And here I was, at thirty, completely out of my depth.

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Speaker 4: I think that was the most difficult part for me.

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Speaker 4: I couldn't recognize myself. I couldn't see a path forward.

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Speaker 4: I felt like this is how it was always going

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Speaker 4: to be. I think anyone who's experienced mental illness knows

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Speaker 4: that feeling it feels like it will never end, and

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Speaker 4: the shame particularly around. I mean, this still gets me now,

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Speaker 4: but the shame around thinking harmful thoughts about your baby

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Speaker 4: is just, Yeah, it's nothing you ever imagine that you're

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Speaker 4: gonna experience.

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Speaker 1: Especially with your first baby.

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Speaker 5: You go into it, You're like, I've gotta be a

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Speaker 5: correct mother. This is the next thing that I.

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Speaker 1: Want to do.

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Speaker 4: But I also know that that has led me to

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Speaker 4: so much joy, That has led me to experience the

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Speaker 4: world in a way that I never would have if

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Speaker 4: it weren't for that moment.

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Speaker 3: The perception of strength and being strong from the outside

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Speaker 3: can seem like, you know, you've made this choice to

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Speaker 3: be strong, but in reality you're just trudging through, and

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Speaker 3: its strength is actually just getting up every day, and

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Speaker 3: it's one tiny step in front of the other because

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Speaker 3: that's all you can do. Yeah, finding that outwood strength

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Speaker 3: actually takes so long because for you it's just little steps.

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Speaker 3: Do you remember when any of the little steps were Yeah.

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Speaker 1: For sure.

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Speaker 4: You know, I remember one particular moment people talk about

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Speaker 4: a rock bottom. I definitely had kind of a rock

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Speaker 4: bottom moment with Poppy. About five months of the waking

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Speaker 4: day and night every forty five minutes sleep deprivation, which

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Speaker 4: just nothing can prepare you for right like that is

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Speaker 4: just soul achingly broken, hollow human being. There is nothing

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Speaker 4: like there is no bandwidth, your a shell. I was

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Speaker 4: going through the motions. I was trying to do the

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Speaker 4: things that I know are good for my mental health.

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Speaker 4: I've experienced depression before I had put things into place.

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Speaker 4: I know how how important exercises to my mental health.

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Speaker 4: So I was going through those motions, and I bundled

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Speaker 4: her into the car to go to the gym to

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Speaker 4: move my body. And it was during a period of

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Speaker 4: time that she particularly hated the car, so as soon

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Speaker 4: as we got in the car, we started going, she

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Speaker 4: immediately started bailing her eyes out and screaming. And It's

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Speaker 4: like a switch flicked in my brain and I was

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Speaker 4: like it felt almost out of body, and I just

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Speaker 4: started screaming at her, just animalistic. I wasn't saying any

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Speaker 4: words that I remember, but I was just screaming.

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Speaker 1: And I got to the gym, and I just remember

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Speaker 1: being scared.

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Speaker 4: I was so scared of how badly I was driving,

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Speaker 4: how unsafe that would have been for everyone on the road,

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Speaker 4: let alone myself and my baby. I called my husband

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Speaker 4: moment he knew that I was struggling. I was not

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Speaker 4: well and he was kind of aware of that but

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Speaker 4: probably didn't know the depths of where I was. And

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Speaker 4: I called him and I need help, and he was great.

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Speaker 4: He told me to book in with my GP, who

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Speaker 4: I had a nice relationship with, and so the first

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Speaker 4: step was booking in with my doctor. When saw him,

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Speaker 4: he started to help me get a mental health plan

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Speaker 4: in place. I mean, the sleep is the maying. That's

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Speaker 4: what I'm such an advocate for sleep now, Like, if

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Speaker 4: you're feeling sad or anxious or stressed or angry, go

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Speaker 4: have a sleep. Honestly, even if it's a little stress nap,

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Speaker 4: Like everything feels better after a sleep. Getting the sleep

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Speaker 4: sorted was a first step in the right direction. And

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Speaker 4: getting one day a week where I could kind of

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Speaker 4: just do whatever I wanted, whether it was have a

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Speaker 4: nap or go get my nails done or just sit

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Speaker 4: and steer it to the voyage. It was just, yeah,

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Speaker 4: I think just those little things. I think also really

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Speaker 4: being vulnerable with my husband and telling him how dark

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Speaker 4: it was felt that took weight off. And it's something

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Speaker 4: that I'm so grateful for. And that's not to say

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Speaker 4: that you immediately feel better because I think anyone again

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Speaker 4: who's experienced mental illness and those kinds of particularly acute,

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Speaker 4: challenging periods, it doesn't just fix itself. It is slowly,

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Speaker 4: as you said, turning up taking another step, showing up

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Speaker 4: every day in different ways for yourself and exploring different tools.

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Speaker 4: And eventually, in twenty twenty, during COVID and stuff where

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Speaker 4: a lot of my tools and the tools in my

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Speaker 4: tool belt that I talk about were taken away because

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Speaker 4: I couldn't go and exercise, I couldn't go and do

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Speaker 4: the normal things that I would do to take care

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Speaker 4: of my mental health. I ended up going on to

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Speaker 4: medication and that's been one of the best things as

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Speaker 4: well for my mental health.

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Speaker 1: And I'm still on medication today.

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Speaker 4: And again it's just one of those tools in my

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Speaker 4: tool belt that I use to take care of myself mentally,

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Speaker 4: which means that I can be the best version of myself,

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Speaker 4: which means that I can be the best mother, friend, wife,

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Speaker 4: all of the things that make me who I am

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Speaker 4: and make.

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Speaker 1: Me really proud to be who I am.

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Speaker 3: Before we get to the ending of your essay where

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Speaker 3: you have a message for past Luby, I think it's

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Speaker 3: important to touch on, as you've said, when you're in

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Speaker 3: the depths of going through a bad mental health period

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Speaker 3: and it can feel like it's never going to end.

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Speaker 3: What would you say to a new mother or such

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Speaker 3: a someone who is in the trenches going this period

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Speaker 3: will never end. What is your advice for them?

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Speaker 4: I want to say, I see you. I really want

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Speaker 4: to say that you're not alone, because when you're in

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Speaker 4: those really bad moments, it feels like you're the only

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Speaker 4: one there. It feels like no one could ever understand

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Speaker 4: how painful it is. All I can say is that

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Speaker 4: it does end. And they talk about seasons of your life,

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Speaker 4: and all of a sudden.

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Speaker 6: You'll be almost nine years down the track and you'll

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Speaker 6: have the most beautiful baby who's still baby, she's almost nine,

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Speaker 6: who just.

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Speaker 1: Makes you so proud.

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Speaker 4: Then you're proud of yourself because you're raising her and

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Speaker 4: she's amazing. Being kind to yourself in those moments, giving

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Speaker 4: yourself so much grace.

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Speaker 3: Could you read the last bit of your essay that

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Speaker 3: you wrote to Past Libby.

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Speaker 1: Past Libby, please know this.

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Speaker 4: You will find your strength in the quiet, ordinary moments

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Speaker 4: when you're in a downward spiral and it feels like

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Speaker 4: your soul will fall apart. You will find your strength

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Speaker 4: in asking for help in your greatest hour of need.

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Speaker 4: You will find your strength by lowering your expectations of

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Speaker 4: yourself and accepting that you are not perfect. You will

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Speaker 4: find your strength in releasing the need to control every

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Speaker 4: moment and every outcome. You will find your strength in

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Speaker 4: finding new relationships and strengthening your relationships.

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Speaker 1: With people who love and support you.

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Speaker 4: You will find your strength in finally understanding that you

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Speaker 4: are resilient and you will be able to cope with

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Speaker 4: life whatever happens. It will take you years to fully

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Speaker 4: understand and be sure of this strength and to be

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Speaker 4: able to return to it when you feel like things

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Speaker 4: are getting hard, chaotic, or challenging you mentally. But you

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Speaker 4: will get there, and that is why I will be

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Speaker 4: forever grateful for that moment. You will love the person

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Speaker 4: that I have become, and really the only reason she

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Speaker 4: is here is because of the strength you found in

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Speaker 4: twenty fifteen Love Libby.

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Speaker 3: It's so beautiful.

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Speaker 4: I think that's important for us to be able to

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Speaker 4: kind of reflect on that and reflect on those really

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Speaker 4: hard moments and go, wow, I'm so proud of myself.

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Speaker 3: What does love mean to you as this lippy now.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I think respect. I'm just talking to myself personally.

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Speaker 4: I really respect myself now. I think love means teamwork,

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Speaker 4: being able to work with yourself and to work with others.

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Speaker 4: I think it's warmth. I think it's grace. I think

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Speaker 4: it's really truly understanding and acknowledging that it's imperfect. It's

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Speaker 4: entirely imperfect. And you know, we want to be loved

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Speaker 4: in certain ways, and we want to love in certain ways,

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Speaker 4: and we're not going.

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Speaker 1: To get it right.

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Speaker 4: But having that willingness and that openness to move with

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Speaker 4: life life and to move with what is coming to us,

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Speaker 4: we won't always get it right, but we can keep

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Speaker 4: getting better, and we can keep getting better together.

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Speaker 3: Thank you for coming on Little Love Stories, Libby. This

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Speaker 3: was a really beautiful conversation.

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Speaker 1: No, thank you for having me. Grace.

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Speaker 3: Libby's full Little Love story will be dropped into our

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Speaker 3: episode notes. If you have a story that you'd like

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Speaker 3: to share with us, we would love to hear it.

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Speaker 3: We're always on the lookout for great stories and new

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Speaker 3: perspectives for our This Glorious Mess site. No matter where

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Speaker 3: you come from or who you are to submit your story,

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Speaker 3: you can leave us a voice note or email us.

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Speaker 3: All the details are in our show notes. If you're

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Speaker 3: looking for something else to listen to, Mumma Me who's

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Speaker 3: presenting one hundred hours of summer listens from meaningful conversations,

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00:20:05,290 --> 00:20:09,330
Speaker 3: incredible stories, fashion, beauty, and a bit of silliness. There's

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Speaker 3: a link to more things to listen to in the

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Speaker 3: show notes