WEBVTT - INBOX: How Do I Handle A Patronising Colleague?!

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<v Speaker 1>You're listening to a Mom with Me podcast.

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<v Speaker 2>Hello, and welcome back to biz in Box. Every week

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<v Speaker 2>we are solving all of your work problems so you

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<v Speaker 2>can just get on with their job or something like that.

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<v Speaker 2>I guess I'm in Vernon and this week I wanted

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<v Speaker 2>to tell so if I just wanted to have a

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<v Speaker 2>bit of a winge and let you know that I've

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<v Speaker 2>been to three after work work events.

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<v Speaker 3>And I'm so first and that is not fair, Like,

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<v Speaker 3>are you obliged to go to these? No?

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, So I am being very pedantic and like I

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<v Speaker 2>am a diva because they are really fun work events.

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<v Speaker 2>So I do host I entertainment podcast a Spill and

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<v Speaker 2>it's like a lot of very glamorous movie premieres. So

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<v Speaker 2>I like you take it back, You're like, shut up

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<v Speaker 2>and let's move on. So this week we are dealing

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<v Speaker 2>with conflict in the workplace, the all important resume, and

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<v Speaker 2>I've got a bone to pick with people who keep

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<v Speaker 2>putting meetings into my car. So we're jumping straight into it.

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<v Speaker 2>So this is what Kate has asked us.

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<v Speaker 3>Hi.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm Kate. I currently work in an office job with

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<v Speaker 1>about ten people in my team. I really love the work.

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<v Speaker 1>But there's one person I'm really having trouble with. They're

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<v Speaker 1>always really patronizing towards me. Every time I say something,

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<v Speaker 1>they're really sarcastic, and they totally undermined me in front

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<v Speaker 1>of everyone. Just wondering what advice you have to deal

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<v Speaker 1>with a patronizing colleague. Thanks.

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<v Speaker 2>So I remember this specific person in my life who

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<v Speaker 2>I guess falls into this criteria of the patronizing colleague.

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<v Speaker 2>It was when I was in my retail days, Like

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<v Speaker 2>I think I was around nineteen twenty, and I was

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<v Speaker 2>working at a retail store and it was like a

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<v Speaker 2>woman's clothing store. So a lot of us were girls

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<v Speaker 2>I was working with, and a lot of my closest

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<v Speaker 2>friends still this day I was working with, and there

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<v Speaker 2>was this one girl who I use a lot of

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<v Speaker 2>like self deprecating humor for myself, and she would always

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<v Speaker 2>jump on that to use it as an excuse to

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<v Speaker 2>make fun of me. So if I said something so weird,

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<v Speaker 2>I wouldn't say this, but if I was to say, oh,

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<v Speaker 2>I hate how this top looks on me, she would

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<v Speaker 2>like then use that as like, well, Emily's wearing that

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<v Speaker 2>ugly top anyway, So it's not like anyone's going to

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<v Speaker 2>care things like that, And I remember calling her out

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<v Speaker 2>about it and she's like, I'm just joking, Like just

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<v Speaker 2>calm down, like I'm joking, and the calm down to

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<v Speaker 2>me is just red flag. But it's one of those

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<v Speaker 2>situations where I needed that job. I couldn't leave, and

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<v Speaker 2>she couldn't leave. Like we didn't have like a proper

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<v Speaker 2>management system. It was just part time retail work, so

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<v Speaker 2>I didn't have anyone else to go to to tell

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<v Speaker 2>them about what was going on.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, it can be really hard. Actually, Like it sounds

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<v Speaker 3>kind of funny and light, but it's it can be

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<v Speaker 3>really hard. I like to think about why are they

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<v Speaker 3>acting like this? Like why might they be patronizing to you?

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<v Speaker 3>Often it is because they're threatened by do I think

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<v Speaker 3>sometimes just from an empathy perspective, even though they're being

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<v Speaker 3>really horrible to they're making your life hard. I do

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<v Speaker 3>like to sometimes think about, Okay, why might they be

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<v Speaker 3>doing this. Maybe they're threatened by me, Maybe it's like

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<v Speaker 3>a competitive thing, maybe they're insecure. I always just like

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<v Speaker 3>to start there, But then there's sort of a few

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<v Speaker 3>different levels of how I like to approach it. So

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<v Speaker 3>start light and just let them know in really light ways, hey,

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<v Speaker 3>like I'm onto what you're saying, and I know that

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<v Speaker 3>you're doing this kind of thing. So, for example, some

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<v Speaker 3>things you can say is like a lot of young

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<v Speaker 3>people get patronized for being young right in the workplace.

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<v Speaker 3>So it might be like someone might say, oh, because

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<v Speaker 3>you learned that at Uni, and you can be like,

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<v Speaker 3>I did learn this at Uni, But why did you

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<v Speaker 3>say it like that? So you can just want to

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<v Speaker 3>ask them a question, And if you can get a

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<v Speaker 3>tone that is genuinely curious, like I'm genuinely curious as

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<v Speaker 3>to why you said it that way, that can be

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<v Speaker 3>really good. Then you can go a little bit stronger

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<v Speaker 3>and you can kind of give them an opportunity to

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<v Speaker 3>course correct if they maybe didn't mean it that way.

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<v Speaker 3>It sounds like your colleague did intend to be bru

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<v Speaker 3>to you though, But you can say something like the

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<v Speaker 3>way that you said that actually sounded a bit patronizing,

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<v Speaker 3>is that how you meant it to sound, And then

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<v Speaker 3>people might be like, oh, no, I didn't mean it

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<v Speaker 3>to sound like that. And one you've let them know

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<v Speaker 3>that like you're onto them, even if they did mean

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<v Speaker 3>to say it. Like that, but it can give them

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<v Speaker 3>an opportunity cost correct and sometimes people will do that,

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<v Speaker 3>they'll kind of know when they'll stop if they keep

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<v Speaker 3>doing it. So, for example, if someone's like really in

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<v Speaker 3>the workplace, patronizing you about you're so young, whatever, say

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<v Speaker 3>they're like over explaining something to you a lot, and

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<v Speaker 3>you can kind of say, you know, it's cool, I

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<v Speaker 3>am actually pretty familiar with this topic. I'm keeping up

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<v Speaker 3>with what you're saying. You don't need to over explain it.

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<v Speaker 3>Or it might be something like, you know, I'm not

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<v Speaker 3>sure you know this, but I have actually got a

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<v Speaker 3>year of experience doing this in my previous job. Is

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<v Speaker 3>there something in the way that I'm doing it that

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<v Speaker 3>makes you think that I don't know how to do

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<v Speaker 3>it or something like that, So you can kind of

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<v Speaker 3>just like start to bring in language.

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<v Speaker 2>That's so good. I also have one that I think

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<v Speaker 2>it's a bit sneaky, but I've used it a few

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<v Speaker 2>times now and it's worked every time. If someone makes

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<v Speaker 2>a snarky comment towards you in like a big meeting

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<v Speaker 2>or with a group of people, I pretend I didn't

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<v Speaker 2>hear it, and I asked them to repeat themselves I'm like, sorry,

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<v Speaker 2>what was that? And they never do. They always change up.

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<v Speaker 3>The language and I love it. I actually made a

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<v Speaker 3>TikTok on this and did you we have to share that?

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<v Speaker 3>It's really good?

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, So for our next question, I was like, what's

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<v Speaker 2>the point of like other people giving us their work

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<v Speaker 2>dilemmas when I can't get my own, Like I should

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<v Speaker 2>jump on to this time? I have a question, a

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<v Speaker 2>very personal one, and it is what's the worst time

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<v Speaker 2>to put in a meeting? And why is it twelve pm?

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<v Speaker 2>And why does it keep happening to me? And am

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<v Speaker 2>I allowed to decline them? Can you give me permission

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<v Speaker 2>on the mic right now that I can send to

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<v Speaker 2>my bosses that I can decline the time.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm going to be controversial and say I think more

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<v Speaker 3>people should be declining meeting. Yes, the nine am Monday

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<v Speaker 3>meeting and then any meeting that's after midday on Friday.

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<v Speaker 3>So no, let me explain a little bit. So talking

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<v Speaker 3>about the topic of declining meetings, let me clarify a

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<v Speaker 3>little bit. I think we need to be a lot

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<v Speaker 3>more aware of the impact that we have on other

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<v Speaker 3>people's time and way more considerate of that. Right, So,

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<v Speaker 3>first thing I think everyone should start doing is if

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<v Speaker 3>you are booking a meeting, it's your responsibility to put

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<v Speaker 3>in the description for that calendar, invite the purpose of

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<v Speaker 3>that meeting, and then the outcome of what you want

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<v Speaker 3>to be achieved at the end of that meeting. So,

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<v Speaker 3>for example, it's like, maybe the purpose of the meeting

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<v Speaker 3>is to discuss projects ABAC, and the outcome at the

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<v Speaker 3>end of that meeting I want to be that we're

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<v Speaker 3>going to have like a doc finalized or something like that.

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<v Speaker 3>And what I would train my team to do is

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<v Speaker 3>like if you kind of read that and you sort

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<v Speaker 3>of say, like, I don't really know what the point

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<v Speaker 3>of that meeting is. I don't know if I'm needed,

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<v Speaker 3>I would actually teach them to say to the person, like,

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<v Speaker 3>do you actually need me in this meeting? What role

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<v Speaker 3>do you want me to play? And if there isn't

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<v Speaker 3>a clear answer, then you can actually say, like, maybe

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<v Speaker 3>I don't need to come to your question around can

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<v Speaker 3>I just decline a meeting because it doesn't kind of

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<v Speaker 3>suit my life? I think it's.

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<v Speaker 2>A meeting that says with HR very important town, I'm like, no,

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<v Speaker 2>I just won't go to that.

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<v Speaker 3>Maybe not that one. But I think you don't have

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<v Speaker 3>to just accept every single meeting that someone puts in

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<v Speaker 3>your calendar, but you do have to talk to them

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<v Speaker 3>about it. So what I don't advise is the passive

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<v Speaker 3>aggressive to gline, which people would do and I think

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<v Speaker 3>it's so crazy, like you'd send a medium they're just

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<v Speaker 3>like decline. So maybe don't do that. But I think

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<v Speaker 3>like just ask people like, hey, do you need me

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<v Speaker 3>in this meeting or if it is like again back

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<v Speaker 3>to the episode we did two weeks ago around your

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<v Speaker 3>reset time, like that is your research time, so you

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<v Speaker 3>know this is my reset time. Do you need me

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<v Speaker 3>in the meeting? And you can decline it. But I

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<v Speaker 3>definitely don't want to advocate for like, you know, these

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<v Speaker 3>meetings don't see my life, so I'm not going to

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<v Speaker 3>do them. I think it's about having proactive communication around

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<v Speaker 3>and just like putting stuff in your own calendar. The

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<v Speaker 3>more that you plan your own calendar, the more people

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<v Speaker 3>will work around it. Sort of. I know people are

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<v Speaker 3>brutal and they'll like book things over the top.

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<v Speaker 2>That's actually smart because then if I keep going back

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<v Speaker 2>to those people saying, hey, what's the purpose of this meeting? Hey,

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<v Speaker 2>what's a purpose of meeting? They might eventually be like,

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<v Speaker 2>this girl's so annoying, I'm just going to stop inviting her.

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<v Speaker 3>Totally win when you want to be unpopular when it

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<v Speaker 3>comes to meetings. Okay, am, after this, we're going to

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<v Speaker 3>talk about a document that I have a feeling you

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<v Speaker 3>have not kept updated.

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<v Speaker 2>No, I'm going to get in trouble.

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<v Speaker 3>So m Julia on the Beers Instagram has submitted a question.

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<v Speaker 3>She's asked if she needs to keep her resume updated

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<v Speaker 3>at all times? What do you think?

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<v Speaker 2>Absolutely not, You've got the job. Congratulations. I don't even

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<v Speaker 2>know where my resume. Firstly, my resume would be from

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<v Speaker 2>twenty eighteen. I have no idea where it is. It

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<v Speaker 2>would just have all my UNI degrees and my one

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<v Speaker 2>retail job and like a photo of me from when

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<v Speaker 2>I was seventeen.

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<v Speaker 3>I want to see it, though, maybe we should try

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<v Speaker 3>to dig it out. It would actually be so yeah,

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<v Speaker 3>you know what's funny. I want to be the person

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<v Speaker 3>who's like, absolutely, yes, you need to keep it updated

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<v Speaker 3>at all times. But I actually agree with you, Am,

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<v Speaker 3>really yes, I agree with you. So I also have

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<v Speaker 3>not updated my mind resume for thirteen years here's my thing.

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<v Speaker 3>I think your LinkedIn profile should be up to date,

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<v Speaker 3>and it should be current because people are going to

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<v Speaker 3>be looking at that all the time. I think if

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<v Speaker 3>you're in a season of your life where you're sort

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<v Speaker 3>of like I am open to other roles and I

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<v Speaker 3>kind of would take another job if it came up,

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<v Speaker 3>I do think it can be a good idea. I

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<v Speaker 3>think in general, like, don't feel like you need to

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<v Speaker 3>have this document that you're spending a lot of time

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<v Speaker 3>updating all the time. You do need to be opportunistic

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<v Speaker 3>if you see a role and you need to be

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<v Speaker 3>able to update it pretty quickly. But one other thing

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<v Speaker 3>I want to say is like a regret that I

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<v Speaker 3>have related to this is you do I mean, how

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<v Speaker 3>long have you been working here a MoMA maw like

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<v Speaker 3>six years? Six years? Right? Do you remember some of

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<v Speaker 3>the big things, the big wins that you had six

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<v Speaker 3>years ago? Oh? It's hard to remember, right, So, like say,

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<v Speaker 3>now you really did want to go for another job

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<v Speaker 3>and you were trying to then put on your resume.

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<v Speaker 3>What was some of the big things, like the big

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<v Speaker 3>impact that you had. It's kind of hard to remember.

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<v Speaker 3>And I'm in this position as well, so I didn't

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<v Speaker 3>keep my resume updated. I don't have any of my

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<v Speaker 3>performance reviews or anything like that when I left Google,

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<v Speaker 3>and so now I'm like, what did I even do

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<v Speaker 3>for thirteen years? I can't actually remember the big stuff

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<v Speaker 3>that I worked on. So I do think it is

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<v Speaker 3>a good idea too. It's not about necessarily updating your CV,

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<v Speaker 3>but just have somewhere where you're recording or keeping track

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<v Speaker 3>of the things that you're actually doing at work, the

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<v Speaker 3>big achievements, things like that, because you actually do need

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<v Speaker 3>that stuff.

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<v Speaker 2>That's so smart. Now I'm having a crisis. I've done

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<v Speaker 2>nothing at all.

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<v Speaker 3>Well, that is why this podcast exists. Thank you so

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<v Speaker 3>much for joining us.

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<v Speaker 2>You guys have helped us clear the beers Inbox once

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<v Speaker 2>again this week. If you have a work question, please

0:10:44.130 --> 0:10:46.210
<v Speaker 2>send it our way. You can always find where to

0:10:46.210 --> 0:10:48.250
<v Speaker 2>send that through a link in our show notes.

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<v Speaker 3>We'll be back in the beers Inbox next week. Bye.

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<v Speaker 2>Sia. Jmeya acknowledges the traditional owners of land and waters

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<v Speaker 2>that this podcast is recorded on