WEBVTT - Mel Robbins On The Only Life Lesson You Need To Know 0:00:05.800 --> 0:00:08.520 You're listening to I'm Ama Mia podcast. 0:00:09.079 --> 0:00:14.360 Sweet Mel, How the hell did you build this insane 0:00:14.440 --> 0:00:18.239 business that you have and this podcast and these books? 0:00:18.280 --> 0:00:20.879 And how do you have thirty five people working for 0:00:21.000 --> 0:00:23.560 you in studios in Boston and you're fifty six? How 0:00:23.560 --> 0:00:25.880 do you, I literally say, by learning how to get 0:00:25.880 --> 0:00:27.440 out about on the mornings I don't feel like it. 0:00:32.360 --> 0:00:36.360 Hello, and welcome to No Filter. I'm Kate lane Brook, 0:00:36.480 --> 0:00:40.680 and today we're diving into the world of the one 0:00:40.720 --> 0:00:45.640 and only Mel Robbins, someone who's built a global empire 0:00:45.920 --> 0:00:51.960 not just on advice, but on real, raw, transformative change. 0:00:52.720 --> 0:00:56.040 Mel's journey from nearly losing everything to becoming one of 0:00:56.080 --> 0:01:00.120 the most influential voices in self help is nothing short 0:01:00.120 --> 0:01:05.080 of extraordinary. But what really sets her apart is how 0:01:05.120 --> 0:01:09.560 she's turned that message into a business, a brand, and 0:01:09.800 --> 0:01:13.920 a worldwide movement, so much so that she's now one 0:01:13.960 --> 0:01:18.440 of the most in demand speakers on the planet. Getting 0:01:18.440 --> 0:01:21.959 Mel on the podcast wasn't easy. She's got one of 0:01:22.000 --> 0:01:25.520 the busiest calendars of any guests that we've booked, But 0:01:25.720 --> 0:01:30.240 here we are, and it's absolutely worth the wait. In 0:01:30.280 --> 0:01:33.680 this episode, we'll explore how Mel's let them theory has 0:01:33.840 --> 0:01:38.840 changed the way millions approach their lives, and exclusively here 0:01:38.880 --> 0:01:44.360 on No Filter, Mel shares huge news for her Australian 0:01:44.440 --> 0:01:49.480 and New Zealand fans. This is the global phenomenon that 0:01:49.640 --> 0:01:50.960 is Mel Robin's. 0:01:51.480 --> 0:01:56.840 Hella, hell a lovely one. 0:01:57.160 --> 0:01:57.600 How are you? 0:01:58.240 --> 0:02:02.800 I'm really well. I had to let them almost disaster 0:02:02.920 --> 0:02:06.520 this morning when I got up because it's early happened. Well, 0:02:06.920 --> 0:02:09.760 I got up at four am for you, because at 0:02:09.799 --> 0:02:12.680 six am my gardener and I went to have a 0:02:12.800 --> 0:02:16.480 thank you for doing that. Well, you're worth it, I believe. 0:02:17.800 --> 0:02:18.120 Sorry. 0:02:18.800 --> 0:02:20.960 I went to have a shower and there was no water. 0:02:22.560 --> 0:02:24.800 No water really, and I'd put a hair treatment in 0:02:24.880 --> 0:02:29.639 last night I happened the council doing something fixing. Then 0:02:29.720 --> 0:02:32.440 I had to wake up my husband. You know that thing? 0:02:32.480 --> 0:02:35.800 Will I wake him up? Will I have to? I 0:02:35.840 --> 0:02:39.480 woke him up. He goes downstairs in his undies. Outside 0:02:39.520 --> 0:02:42.960 he's fiddling with the water met the dog's behind him. 0:02:43.400 --> 0:02:46.400 It's like last night. I love this man. 0:02:47.560 --> 0:02:50.080 And then he says to me, I got a message 0:02:50.080 --> 0:02:52.760 on my phone that you should also have, which I 0:02:52.760 --> 0:02:57.280 don't have, from the council saying the sink Kilda water 0:02:57.360 --> 0:03:00.160 which is where we live, is turned off until six am. 0:03:00.760 --> 0:03:02.680 Well six am is now when I'm. 0:03:03.000 --> 0:03:05.200 Yeah, you just drive your treatment. 0:03:04.920 --> 0:03:08.200 Are Well you know what I did? I wash. 0:03:08.320 --> 0:03:10.080 I would have just left it in and made it 0:03:10.320 --> 0:03:10.919 a high bond. 0:03:11.040 --> 0:03:13.440 Well I couldn't because it was so greasy. I wanted 0:03:13.440 --> 0:03:15.360 to have a nice hair for Mel Robbins. You've always 0:03:15.400 --> 0:03:16.160 got nice hair. 0:03:16.680 --> 0:03:19.560 Oh are you kidding me? Do you know the worse 0:03:19.640 --> 0:03:20.920 I look, the better our content. 0:03:21.160 --> 0:03:21.720 Do you think? 0:03:22.680 --> 0:03:22.760 No? 0:03:23.000 --> 0:03:24.400 I I know of course. 0:03:26.800 --> 0:03:29.680 Yes, Like no, my kids will always go like, god, 0:03:29.760 --> 0:03:31.160 why did you put that video up? 0:03:31.200 --> 0:03:31.760 You look terrible. 0:03:31.800 --> 0:03:33.920 I'm like I went to the grocery store looking like this, 0:03:34.120 --> 0:03:35.600 like what what's the problem? 0:03:35.920 --> 0:03:36.800 No, you know what it is. 0:03:36.840 --> 0:03:42.760 It's because our brand is really friend and the more 0:03:43.000 --> 0:03:47.320 dulled up I am, the less it's us. And so 0:03:48.200 --> 0:03:50.480 you know, we just kind of roll up to the 0:03:50.560 --> 0:03:56.240 camera and if hair is a disaster or you know, 0:03:56.720 --> 0:03:57.840 it just is what it is. 0:03:57.880 --> 0:03:58.840 Like, this is how I look. 0:03:59.240 --> 0:04:01.920 Do you love your greeting that you always do? I'm 0:04:01.960 --> 0:04:07.080 going to say it to you. Hello friend, Hello Mel Robins, 0:04:07.480 --> 0:04:12.480 Welcome to No Filter. I'm your new friend, Caiteline Brook. 0:04:14.600 --> 0:04:16.719 I don't think you're a new friend. I think you've 0:04:16.760 --> 0:04:19.320 been an old friend, and so thank you for welcoming 0:04:19.520 --> 0:04:21.440 me as a friend. You know, I kind of believe 0:04:21.480 --> 0:04:23.919 we are all friends on the road of life. I 0:04:23.960 --> 0:04:26.680 think about the fact that you can learn anything from 0:04:26.720 --> 0:04:29.960 anybody if you're willing to kind of lean in. And 0:04:30.000 --> 0:04:32.400 there are going to be times, Kate, where as we're 0:04:32.440 --> 0:04:34.880 on the road of life taking a long walk together, 0:04:35.080 --> 0:04:36.719 you're going to be a couple of steps ahead of 0:04:36.720 --> 0:04:38.799 me because you and your husband have gone through something 0:04:39.400 --> 0:04:41.720 that my husband and I haven't yet, and so you 0:04:41.800 --> 0:04:43.760 can be a friend to us. And then there are 0:04:43.800 --> 0:04:46.279 times where I may be just a step ahead of 0:04:46.280 --> 0:04:48.680 you because I just went through something with my son 0:04:48.760 --> 0:04:51.719 and figured out that he had dyslexia, and now I can, 0:04:52.000 --> 0:04:54.200 you know, be a friend to you as you're sorting 0:04:54.240 --> 0:04:59.880 through an issue. And so, you know, I love saying 0:05:00.120 --> 0:05:02.640 it's your friend, mel because that's what I believe, and 0:05:02.680 --> 0:05:05.839 that's how I feel as I'm move through life, whether 0:05:06.040 --> 0:05:08.919 I'm walking into a coffee shop or through an airport, 0:05:09.120 --> 0:05:10.880 or down a dirt road, or I'm stepping up to 0:05:10.920 --> 0:05:11.640 a microphone. 0:05:12.040 --> 0:05:16.760 It's an interesting thing because your attitude to sharing your 0:05:16.800 --> 0:05:23.800 knowledge comes from a place of great warmth and great vulnerability. 0:05:24.560 --> 0:05:27.400 And the model that we have is that often when 0:05:27.440 --> 0:05:31.000 people achieve a certain degree of success, they start to 0:05:31.000 --> 0:05:33.240 put the walls up. They need to protect their privacy. 0:05:33.280 --> 0:05:36.080 They won't talk about their personal life. They da, da da. 0:05:36.120 --> 0:05:43.520 How do you maintain your openness to share your vulnerability 0:05:43.880 --> 0:05:45.880 with basically the world. 0:05:46.480 --> 0:05:49.000 It's a great question, and I'll answer it a couple 0:05:49.040 --> 0:05:51.800 of ways. Number One, I'm grateful that all of this 0:05:51.920 --> 0:05:54.560 happens to lead in life. And you know, when you 0:05:54.600 --> 0:05:57.719 go through an experience at the age of forty one 0:05:58.440 --> 0:06:02.920 where you nearly lose everything that matters to you, your life, savings, 0:06:03.040 --> 0:06:08.960 your marriage, your sanity, your family, your home, it's a 0:06:09.000 --> 0:06:13.360 real wake up call. And it also sears into you 0:06:13.800 --> 0:06:17.120 what you actually value. And I think too often it's 0:06:17.120 --> 0:06:19.560 not until we lose something or almost lose something, that 0:06:19.600 --> 0:06:21.600 we realize how much it meant to us. And so 0:06:21.960 --> 0:06:25.400 to have that experience or my career at least the 0:06:25.440 --> 0:06:28.240 one that everybody sees right now, you know, I'm fifty 0:06:28.280 --> 0:06:34.200 six now that it started fifteen years ago at rock bottom, 0:06:34.280 --> 0:06:36.960 where I was on the verge of losing everything that mattered. 0:06:37.000 --> 0:06:39.440 And so when you have an experience where your kids 0:06:39.480 --> 0:06:41.760 are standing next to you and you can't pay for 0:06:41.800 --> 0:06:45.520 groceries at the grocery store. When you have experience where 0:06:45.760 --> 0:06:48.160 your kids are in the car and you can't fill 0:06:48.240 --> 0:06:51.840 the tank of gas that they're in, you don't lose that. 0:06:52.760 --> 0:06:55.920 And I remember in moments of my life, whether it 0:06:55.960 --> 0:06:58.000 was that moment or it was moments when I was 0:06:58.040 --> 0:07:01.320 younger and I was struggling with issues I didn't even understand. 0:07:01.600 --> 0:07:05.480 I wasn't diagnosed until I was forty seven with ADHD, 0:07:05.600 --> 0:07:08.160 but it impacted me my whole life that I didn't know, 0:07:08.760 --> 0:07:11.360 and I thought I was dealing with anxiety when really 0:07:11.400 --> 0:07:15.200 I was dealing with undiagnosed ADHD. And the main symptom 0:07:15.200 --> 0:07:18.440 that people women in particular feel when they don't have 0:07:18.480 --> 0:07:22.840 a proper diagnosis of something focus related or you know, 0:07:22.920 --> 0:07:24.960 I also have dyslexia, which I didn't know until I 0:07:25.040 --> 0:07:28.760 was forty seven, that you develop anxiety because you're being 0:07:28.800 --> 0:07:34.760 asked to do things that your brain functionally, structurally isn't 0:07:35.280 --> 0:07:37.040 able to do the way the people do. You start 0:07:37.040 --> 0:07:39.080 to think that you're an idiot or there's something wrong 0:07:39.120 --> 0:07:42.520 with you, and then all of that anxiety develops and 0:07:42.560 --> 0:07:45.520 so in these moments where I've really struggled, I just 0:07:45.560 --> 0:07:47.520 thought I was the only one. I thought there was 0:07:47.520 --> 0:07:50.680 something wrong with me. And looking back, I can see 0:07:51.400 --> 0:07:55.560 that that loneliness and that sense of being closed off 0:07:55.600 --> 0:07:59.600 in your own experience and then pretending on the surface 0:07:59.680 --> 0:08:01.960 that something else was going on. It led to me 0:08:02.080 --> 0:08:08.160 hurting other people. It led to me just spoiling really 0:08:08.200 --> 0:08:11.560 important opportunities. It led to me acting in ways that 0:08:11.680 --> 0:08:15.080 I really regret. It led to me hurting myself in 0:08:15.120 --> 0:08:16.040 many many ways. 0:08:16.120 --> 0:08:16.480 And so. 0:08:18.160 --> 0:08:22.000 I guess I'm so open because number one, if anything, 0:08:22.000 --> 0:08:26.560 that I've learned the hard way and help somebody else 0:08:27.240 --> 0:08:30.360 from suffering the way that I did. My God, I 0:08:30.400 --> 0:08:33.920 will tell you everything. And the other reason why I'm 0:08:33.959 --> 0:08:36.839 so open is I've spent so long in my life 0:08:36.920 --> 0:08:39.880 pretending to be somebody I'm not that I just think 0:08:39.959 --> 0:08:42.999 it's so much easier to be who you are, and 0:08:43.559 --> 0:08:47.040 you know, and everybody says it's vulnerable. I actually don't 0:08:47.040 --> 0:08:49.879 think it's vulnerable at all. It is the easiest thing 0:08:49.880 --> 0:08:53.439 in the world when you stop judging your own experience. 0:08:54.040 --> 0:08:57.280 You know, when you say you spent so long pretending 0:08:57.319 --> 0:09:03.720 to be someone that you weren't your essential self. It's 0:09:03.800 --> 0:09:09.160 interesting because as you are so accomplished, and even when 0:09:09.439 --> 0:09:11.760 you and your husband Crease hit the skeeds with the 0:09:11.800 --> 0:09:14.479 business and you were eight hundred granding date and that 0:09:14.679 --> 0:09:18.999 is dire, you was still a woman of great accomplishment. 0:09:19.160 --> 0:09:22.439 You've got a couple of degrees. You're a lawyer, you 0:09:22.520 --> 0:09:26.000 are hard hitting, you a clear thinking Who were you 0:09:26.079 --> 0:09:28.439 pretending to be hard hitting? 0:09:28.599 --> 0:09:31.280 Clear thinking? Got it all together? 0:09:31.359 --> 0:09:32.079 Accomplished? 0:09:33.400 --> 0:09:35.839 Hey, degrees are something that's on a piece of paper. 0:09:35.880 --> 0:09:38.480 That doesn't mean that you feel good about yourself. And 0:09:38.800 --> 0:09:42.319 I think for a long time I thought I had 0:09:42.359 --> 0:09:44.640 to measure up to the Ivy League degree. I thought 0:09:44.679 --> 0:09:48.199 I had to be something because of the lawyer thing. 0:09:48.280 --> 0:09:54.280 And every one of us has this disconnect from who 0:09:54.280 --> 0:09:57.920 were presenting to the world versus the experience that we're 0:09:57.959 --> 0:10:02.040 having internally, and this deep sense of am I enough? 0:10:02.839 --> 0:10:06.479 And for a long time the answer was no. And 0:10:06.839 --> 0:10:09.160 there was never enough that I could do. There was 0:10:09.239 --> 0:10:11.679 never enough that was going to prove that I was okay. 0:10:11.800 --> 0:10:16.439 I was constantly seeking validation outside of me, constantly seeking approval. 0:10:16.520 --> 0:10:18.920 If a new purse, could you know, make other people 0:10:19.000 --> 0:10:20.920 like me? If I with the right friend group. I 0:10:20.920 --> 0:10:24.160 think we're all searching for that level of acceptance. And 0:10:24.920 --> 0:10:30.120 it took me getting into a very dire state where 0:10:30.160 --> 0:10:35.760 I had to rebuild myself from the inside out when 0:10:35.839 --> 0:10:37.920 we were that far in debt, and I got to 0:10:38.000 --> 0:10:40.839 a point where it was just very difficult to get 0:10:40.839 --> 0:10:43.640 out of bed and face the nightmare that my life 0:10:43.719 --> 0:10:51.280 had become. Learning anew how to wake up and face 0:10:51.439 --> 0:10:55.959 the day was a skill, like learning how to get 0:10:56.000 --> 0:10:58.439 out of bed, when I didn't feel like it was 0:10:58.479 --> 0:11:01.880 a life skill, like I had spent my life avoiding 0:11:02.359 --> 0:11:05.999 the things that felt hard. Avoiding like academics came easy, 0:11:06.079 --> 0:11:09.079 Like I'm clearly a very very intellectual and smart person, 0:11:09.760 --> 0:11:11.679 so hitting the books and not having to talk to 0:11:11.800 --> 0:11:16.840 their human beings easy. But really learning how to be 0:11:17.079 --> 0:11:20.439 okay with who I am and who I'm not, learning 0:11:20.520 --> 0:11:24.640 how to be okay with what social group I'm in 0:11:24.719 --> 0:11:26.920 and what social group I'm not. Learning, how to be 0:11:27.040 --> 0:11:30.239 okay with what my body is or it isn't how 0:11:30.280 --> 0:11:33.840 I measure up the amount of money or no money. 0:11:33.920 --> 0:11:38.200 You know what's fascinating is I think that in life, 0:11:40.160 --> 0:11:45.319 most people know how to have a bad attitude or 0:11:45.359 --> 0:11:50.119 be in a bad mood for no reason. That for decades, 0:11:50.199 --> 0:11:53.600 you can train yourself to just look at the day 0:11:53.640 --> 0:11:56.840 ahead and see nothing but reasons to be in a 0:11:56.880 --> 0:12:00.879 bad mood, reasons to doubt yourself. What I think is 0:12:00.920 --> 0:12:05.439 a really important skill in life is teaching yourself to 0:12:05.559 --> 0:12:10.280 have a good attitude, to be in a positive mood 0:12:10.839 --> 0:12:15.600 for no reason, for no reason, because learning how to 0:12:15.640 --> 0:12:17.400 wake up every day and say, you know what, today 0:12:17.479 --> 0:12:20.079 is going to be a great day. And it's not 0:12:20.119 --> 0:12:21.720 going to be great the whole day, but I'm going 0:12:21.800 --> 0:12:24.279 to make it a good day because there's something that 0:12:24.319 --> 0:12:26.120 I'm going to do that's going to make me feel good. 0:12:26.400 --> 0:12:29.760 That's a way to program yourself to have a good attitude. 0:12:30.359 --> 0:12:33.040 Learning how to wake up and say, you know, I 0:12:33.040 --> 0:12:35.079 don't know what's going to happen, but I know I'm 0:12:35.119 --> 0:12:39.519 capable of figuring it out today. Doubling down on your ability. 0:12:39.679 --> 0:12:43.640 Well, I sometimes think this mood thing I find really interesting. 0:12:44.119 --> 0:12:47.240 I did breakfast radio for twelve years, so my muscles 0:12:47.280 --> 0:12:50.399 to wake up whistling are pretty good. You've got to 0:12:50.439 --> 0:12:52.999 wake up happy. You got no You've got no saying it. 0:12:53.880 --> 0:12:56.920 And I've also got four children and they're all sort 0:12:56.959 --> 0:13:02.040 of wired differently for mornings. Mornings in particular, I think 0:13:02.079 --> 0:13:05.160 are so essential and I always say to these you 0:13:05.199 --> 0:13:07.600 may as well do it happily because it has to 0:13:07.640 --> 0:13:12.800 be done regardless. But I think that sometimes people use 0:13:13.599 --> 0:13:18.599 the mood that you're talking about to deflect. You know how, 0:13:18.640 --> 0:13:21.480 no one will come near someone who's grumpy. So when 0:13:21.479 --> 0:13:26.079 you're hiding the inner truth of yourself and you project 0:13:26.280 --> 0:13:29.760 that anger or hostility or don't come near me to 0:13:29.839 --> 0:13:34.240 the world, do you think that you were protecting yourself 0:13:34.280 --> 0:13:36.599 from the truth of yourself at that time? 0:13:37.119 --> 0:13:39.240 I'm sure, because you know, like if you think about 0:13:39.239 --> 0:13:41.640 anybody in your life who's miserable, yes, they're always in 0:13:41.679 --> 0:13:46.880 a bad mood. They are always talking about the negative. 0:13:47.040 --> 0:13:51.439 There's always some grape that is a human being that 0:13:51.959 --> 0:13:57.239 is projecting an inner landscape that they have not dealt 0:13:57.239 --> 0:14:00.559 with yet. See, there is a lot in a person 0:14:00.719 --> 0:14:04.640 like that. There's typically a lot of sadness, there's a 0:14:04.679 --> 0:14:10.839 lot of self criticism, there's a sense of isolation. There's 0:14:10.880 --> 0:14:14.920 a sense that life isn't fair, and that's a very 0:14:14.959 --> 0:14:17.439 difficult thing to sit with. I mean, there are those 0:14:17.479 --> 0:14:20.280 of us that just marinate in that and make ourselves miserable, 0:14:20.320 --> 0:14:24.280 but we don't project it to anybody else. But then 0:14:24.520 --> 0:14:27.080 there's a lot of people that feel those exact same things, 0:14:27.119 --> 0:14:30.359 and they can't tolerate those feelings, so they barfit out 0:14:30.400 --> 0:14:33.479 at everybody else. And so when I see somebody that's 0:14:33.560 --> 0:14:36.200 like that, I just, you know, say let them. Let 0:14:36.200 --> 0:14:38.320 them be in a terrible mood, let them be disappointed, 0:14:38.400 --> 0:14:40.200 let them be angry at life. Because it's not my 0:14:40.320 --> 0:14:42.480 job to save people or heal them, and I can't, 0:14:43.239 --> 0:14:50.520 but let me not allow that negativity to impact me 0:14:50.720 --> 0:14:53.280 or to become my job to manage, because I find 0:14:53.320 --> 0:14:56.640 that people that are negative tend to get a lot 0:14:56.680 --> 0:15:01.200 of attention for that negativity. They feel powerful because of 0:15:01.239 --> 0:15:06.400 that negativity, and it's also a giant kind of shield 0:15:07.119 --> 0:15:09.280 to have to do everything, you know, because you can 0:15:09.479 --> 0:15:11.640 there's always, like this is the thing about life, there's 0:15:11.640 --> 0:15:12.600 always something you can. 0:15:12.440 --> 0:15:13.359 Do to make things better. 0:15:13.920 --> 0:15:17.320 Even if you're going through the worst thing in the world, 0:15:18.160 --> 0:15:22.160 there's always something you can do with your attitude and 0:15:22.280 --> 0:15:27.200 with the little things that you do that can make 0:15:27.320 --> 0:15:30.000 things slightly better. I mean, this is the entire thesis 0:15:30.200 --> 0:15:34.120 of Victor Frankel's Seminal work Man search for meaning that 0:15:34.200 --> 0:15:37.520 in the middle of the Holocaust and all these horrific 0:15:37.920 --> 0:15:42.399 things he cannot control in the concentration camp, he recognizes 0:15:42.440 --> 0:15:45.800 that the only thing in his control in this absolutely 0:15:45.920 --> 0:15:52.759 unspeakable situation is what he's thinking about and his physical 0:15:52.800 --> 0:15:56.759 response to what's happening. That through his thoughts and actions, 0:15:56.760 --> 0:16:01.399 he cannot only survive this situation, but he can help 0:16:01.479 --> 0:16:06.479 himself through the situation. And to me, when you start 0:16:06.520 --> 0:16:11.400 to understand that you have so much more power than 0:16:11.440 --> 0:16:14.920 you realize, and that no matter where you are right now, Kate, 0:16:15.840 --> 0:16:18.519 whether you're like I am and you are just embarrassingly 0:16:18.560 --> 0:16:23.520 in debt, or you are broken up with for the 0:16:23.560 --> 0:16:27.280 tenth time where you're horribly overweight, or you're like one 0:16:27.320 --> 0:16:30.360 of the most beautiful things about the human design is 0:16:30.359 --> 0:16:32.800 that you're designed to grow, You're designed to change. 0:16:33.040 --> 0:16:34.720 That your body and your mind. 0:16:34.640 --> 0:16:38.800 Are waiting for you to program in different thinking and 0:16:38.960 --> 0:16:42.080 waiting for you to wake up and go, how I'm 0:16:42.119 --> 0:16:44.800 doing life just doesn't feel good anymore, and so I'm 0:16:44.800 --> 0:16:46.280 gonna change. 0:16:46.520 --> 0:16:50.080 It's interesting because we live in a time of great comfort. 0:16:50.840 --> 0:16:54.800 Comfort's available to us pretty well with a conditioning or 0:16:55.000 --> 0:16:57.520 with the running water that I should have had this morning. 0:16:58.119 --> 0:17:03.520 You know, we're very we become very resistant to discomfort 0:17:03.640 --> 0:17:06.680 because we're so used to having air con or whatever, 0:17:06.840 --> 0:17:12.480 or there's a grocery store full of abundance. How did 0:17:12.560 --> 0:17:16.520 you face the ultimate discomfort, which I think comes from 0:17:16.560 --> 0:17:19.760 within and you actually say in let them. The first 0:17:19.800 --> 0:17:23.239 step to change in your life is taking responsibility for 0:17:23.320 --> 0:17:27.359 the fact that your life isn't working. Now, that to 0:17:27.480 --> 0:17:32.880 me is the most pain. That's searingly painful, that realization. 0:17:33.000 --> 0:17:36.720 We've all had those in our life. When you had 0:17:36.840 --> 0:17:41.200 that moment, how did you get into the depths of that? 0:17:42.639 --> 0:17:44.359 Was it because you couldn't get out of bed? 0:17:45.639 --> 0:17:49.600 I want to really highlight this question. The first step 0:17:50.440 --> 0:17:55.040 to changing is it admitting to yourself that the way 0:17:55.080 --> 0:17:57.039 that you're living your life is no longer working. 0:17:58.040 --> 0:18:00.720 That is all it takes to change. 0:18:01.040 --> 0:18:05.239 And it's pretty clear when your life isn't work or 0:18:05.240 --> 0:18:09.040 when aspects of your life aren't working. I mean, you know, 0:18:09.080 --> 0:18:11.999 at this point in the story of my life, I 0:18:12.080 --> 0:18:15.200 was drinking myself into the ground, blaming everything on my husband. 0:18:15.320 --> 0:18:18.080 I would hit the snooze button six times in the 0:18:18.119 --> 0:18:21.759 morning and wake up hungover to my two children who 0:18:21.840 --> 0:18:24.119 were school age at the time who had missed the bus. 0:18:24.119 --> 0:18:26.520 Like when your kids are waking you up after you've 0:18:26.560 --> 0:18:29.800 missed the bus, you're basically failing at parenting in life. 0:18:29.840 --> 0:18:32.360 I mean, let's be honest, you don't need a. 0:18:32.320 --> 0:18:35.759 PhD to understand that that's a pretty clear indication that 0:18:35.800 --> 0:18:39.119 the way they're doing life ain't working really well and 0:18:39.159 --> 0:18:41.240 you don't feel good about yourself. And it doesn't take 0:18:41.280 --> 0:18:45.560 a rocket scientist or an expert, because people know when 0:18:45.560 --> 0:18:47.960 they're not doing well. Like I choose to believe, Kate 0:18:48.000 --> 0:18:49.840 that we all want to thrive. We want to do 0:18:49.919 --> 0:18:51.760 well at work, we want to do well at school, 0:18:51.760 --> 0:18:54.440 we want to feel connected in our relationships, we want 0:18:54.440 --> 0:18:57.560 to feel a sense of control about where our life 0:18:57.600 --> 0:19:00.000 is going. We want to feel proud of ourselves. So 0:19:00.040 --> 0:19:02.879 I choose to believe that that is at the core 0:19:03.320 --> 0:19:06.680 who you are and what is meant for you. And 0:19:07.119 --> 0:19:10.440 for just endless and endless reasons, we get away from 0:19:10.440 --> 0:19:13.520 who we are and we get off track. And the 0:19:13.560 --> 0:19:16.879 only thing that you need as the first step to 0:19:16.879 --> 0:19:18.679 get back on track in your life is to admit 0:19:18.720 --> 0:19:20.600 that how your life feels, or how your marriage feels, 0:19:20.639 --> 0:19:22.280 or how your job feels no longer works for you, 0:19:23.000 --> 0:19:24.639 and you don't need to have to have a reason 0:19:25.679 --> 0:19:27.680 just saying it. It just doesn't feel how I want 0:19:27.679 --> 0:19:31.600 it to feel. And this is the piece, this second step, 0:19:32.879 --> 0:19:35.280 that I think most people miss. And I've come to 0:19:35.359 --> 0:19:38.240 believe doing the work that I've done now for fifteen 0:19:38.320 --> 0:19:41.639 years on myself, sharing all the things that I share, 0:19:41.679 --> 0:19:44.359 doing all the research that I do, I have come 0:19:44.399 --> 0:19:50.440 to believe that the single biggest obstacle in every person's way, 0:19:50.520 --> 0:19:52.600 So the person watching or listening right now, the single 0:19:52.600 --> 0:19:56.680 biggest obstacle in your way right now is not ability. 0:19:57.520 --> 0:19:59.879 No way, your friend Mel Robbins will tell you you 0:19:59.919 --> 0:20:02.999 are fucking capable of doing what you need to do, Like, 0:20:03.080 --> 0:20:05.680 stop with this bullshit and get to work, like I'm 0:20:05.679 --> 0:20:08.679 gonna I'll clack like I'm not going to hear it. 0:20:08.760 --> 0:20:10.920 I'm not going to hear it from you, because I 0:20:11.080 --> 0:20:15.679 choose to believe that through your attitude and through your actions, 0:20:15.960 --> 0:20:19.119 you can move the needle over time, not overnight overtime. 0:20:19.679 --> 0:20:28.760 But here's the obstacle. It is a lack of hope, discouragement, 0:20:30.240 --> 0:20:32.359 the belief that it's not going to work for you 0:20:33.560 --> 0:20:36.800 is the reason why most people stay where they are. 0:20:37.840 --> 0:20:40.560 We live in a moment in time where you have 0:20:40.679 --> 0:20:42.959 more information than you could possibly need. If you do 0:20:43.040 --> 0:20:44.840 not know how to change your life or make a 0:20:44.879 --> 0:20:48.080 million dollars or connect with your kids who won't talk 0:20:48.119 --> 0:20:49.400 to you, just go to chat GTP. 0:20:50.159 --> 0:20:51.600 Type in the thing you want to change. 0:20:51.879 --> 0:20:55.359 It will spit out a thirty day, day by day 0:20:55.399 --> 0:20:59.280 thing to do, and most of it will probably be accurate. 0:20:59.320 --> 0:21:00.000 Some of it won't. 0:21:00.040 --> 0:21:03.399 But if you follow the step by step protocol that 0:21:03.440 --> 0:21:06.800 it spits out, I guarantee you it would work. But 0:21:06.840 --> 0:21:08.879 you're going to look at that listener and no, that's 0:21:08.919 --> 0:21:10.880 not going to work for me. My problems are too 0:21:10.919 --> 0:21:13.399 and then you start talking yourself out of it. So 0:21:13.600 --> 0:21:17.399 I really believe that it is this sense of discouragement 0:21:17.440 --> 0:21:20.119 that Kate can change your life but I can't. Kate 0:21:20.159 --> 0:21:22.760 can connect with her kids, but I can't. Kate can 0:21:22.800 --> 0:21:24.879 wake up at four point thirty in the morning and 0:21:25.000 --> 0:21:27.720 have a hair mask in her hair and no water, 0:21:27.840 --> 0:21:30.440 and she'll figure it out, but I can't because Kate 0:21:30.560 --> 0:21:32.479 has a husband and I don't have a husband, and 0:21:32.520 --> 0:21:34.879 so I can. And so do you see how this 0:21:35.240 --> 0:21:38.119 sense that it's not going to work For me, this 0:21:38.280 --> 0:21:42.280 lack of hope actually stops you from doing what you're 0:21:42.280 --> 0:21:43.199 capable of doing. 0:21:43.960 --> 0:21:46.520 And so for me, that that. 0:21:48.119 --> 0:21:51.159 Admission to yourself that your life is not how you 0:21:51.200 --> 0:21:53.120 want it to feel, or your relationship is, or your 0:21:53.159 --> 0:21:53.760 body is. 0:21:53.960 --> 0:21:54.640 That's step one. 0:21:54.639 --> 0:21:59.320 Step two is actually saying, even if I don't think 0:21:59.359 --> 0:22:02.239 it's going to work, by God, I am going to 0:22:02.440 --> 0:22:07.039 act as if I am that person, and I'm going 0:22:07.119 --> 0:22:09.919 to do it before I feel like doing. That is 0:22:09.960 --> 0:22:12.919 the secret, like not waiting for someone else to do it, 0:22:12.960 --> 0:22:15.479 not waiting for the motivation to come, because motivation is 0:22:15.520 --> 0:22:18.040 garbage is not coming. That's not how your body works. 0:22:18.600 --> 0:22:20.719 And this was a huge wake up call for me. 0:22:20.800 --> 0:22:22.359 Like I wish I had known this when I was 0:22:22.440 --> 0:22:25.199 a kid. I didn't know that our minds are wired 0:22:25.240 --> 0:22:27.600 against change. They can change, they love to change, but 0:22:27.879 --> 0:22:30.960 you're not going to feel ready to change your mind's 0:22:31.040 --> 0:22:32.240 default toward. 0:22:32.159 --> 0:22:32.959 What feels easy. 0:22:33.000 --> 0:22:34.800 That's why we sit on the couch instead of going 0:22:34.800 --> 0:22:37.399 to the gym, That's why we watch TV instead of 0:22:37.399 --> 0:22:40.159 working on our resume, because our minds are wired to 0:22:40.159 --> 0:22:43.280