1
00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:08,520
Speaker 1: You're listening to I'm Ama Mia podcast.

2
00:00:09,079 --> 00:00:14,360
Speaker 2: Sweet Mel, How the hell did you build this insane

3
00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:18,239
Speaker 2: business that you have and this podcast and these books?

4
00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:20,879
Speaker 2: And how do you have thirty five people working for

5
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,560
Speaker 2: you in studios in Boston and you're fifty six? How

6
00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:25,880
Speaker 2: do you, I literally say, by learning how to get

7
00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:27,440
Speaker 2: out about on the mornings I don't feel like it.

8
00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:36,360
Speaker 3: Hello, and welcome to No Filter. I'm Kate lane Brook,

9
00:00:36,480 --> 00:00:40,680
Speaker 3: and today we're diving into the world of the one

10
00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:45,640
Speaker 3: and only Mel Robbins, someone who's built a global empire

11
00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:51,960
Speaker 3: not just on advice, but on real, raw, transformative change.

12
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:56,040
Speaker 3: Mel's journey from nearly losing everything to becoming one of

13
00:00:56,080 --> 00:01:00,120
Speaker 3: the most influential voices in self help is nothing short

14
00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:05,080
Speaker 3: of extraordinary. But what really sets her apart is how

15
00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:09,560
Speaker 3: she's turned that message into a business, a brand, and

16
00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:13,920
Speaker 3: a worldwide movement, so much so that she's now one

17
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:18,440
Speaker 3: of the most in demand speakers on the planet. Getting

18
00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:21,959
Speaker 3: Mel on the podcast wasn't easy. She's got one of

19
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:25,520
Speaker 3: the busiest calendars of any guests that we've booked, But

20
00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:30,240
Speaker 3: here we are, and it's absolutely worth the wait. In

21
00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:33,680
Speaker 3: this episode, we'll explore how Mel's let them theory has

22
00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:38,840
Speaker 3: changed the way millions approach their lives, and exclusively here

23
00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:44,360
Speaker 3: on No Filter, Mel shares huge news for her Australian

24
00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:49,480
Speaker 3: and New Zealand fans. This is the global phenomenon that

25
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:50,960
Speaker 3: is Mel Robin's.

26
00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:56,840
Speaker 2: Hella, hell a lovely one.

27
00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:57,600
Speaker 4: How are you?

28
00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:02,800
Speaker 3: I'm really well. I had to let them almost disaster

29
00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:06,520
Speaker 3: this morning when I got up because it's early happened. Well,

30
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,760
Speaker 3: I got up at four am for you, because at

31
00:02:09,799 --> 00:02:12,680
Speaker 3: six am my gardener and I went to have a

32
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:16,480
Speaker 3: thank you for doing that. Well, you're worth it, I believe.

33
00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:18,120
Speaker 1: Sorry.

34
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:20,960
Speaker 3: I went to have a shower and there was no water.

35
00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:24,800
Speaker 3: No water really, and I'd put a hair treatment in

36
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:29,639
Speaker 3: last night I happened the council doing something fixing. Then

37
00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:32,440
Speaker 3: I had to wake up my husband. You know that thing?

38
00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:35,800
Speaker 3: Will I wake him up? Will I have to? I

39
00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:39,480
Speaker 3: woke him up. He goes downstairs in his undies. Outside

40
00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:42,960
Speaker 3: he's fiddling with the water met the dog's behind him.

41
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:46,400
Speaker 1: It's like last night. I love this man.

42
00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:50,080
Speaker 3: And then he says to me, I got a message

43
00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:52,760
Speaker 3: on my phone that you should also have, which I

44
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:57,280
Speaker 3: don't have, from the council saying the sink Kilda water

45
00:02:57,360 --> 00:03:00,160
Speaker 3: which is where we live, is turned off until six am.

46
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:02,680
Speaker 3: Well six am is now when I'm.

47
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, you just drive your treatment.

48
00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:08,200
Speaker 3: Are Well you know what I did? I wash.

49
00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:10,080
Speaker 1: I would have just left it in and made it

50
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:10,919
Speaker 1: a high bond.

51
00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:13,440
Speaker 3: Well I couldn't because it was so greasy. I wanted

52
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,360
Speaker 3: to have a nice hair for Mel Robbins. You've always

53
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:16,160
Speaker 3: got nice hair.

54
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:19,560
Speaker 2: Oh are you kidding me? Do you know the worse

55
00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:20,920
Speaker 2: I look, the better our content.

56
00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:21,720
Speaker 3: Do you think?

57
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:22,760
Speaker 4: No?

58
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,400
Speaker 1: I I know of course.

59
00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:29,680
Speaker 2: Yes, Like no, my kids will always go like, god,

60
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,160
Speaker 2: why did you put that video up?

61
00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:31,760
Speaker 1: You look terrible.

62
00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:33,920
Speaker 2: I'm like I went to the grocery store looking like this,

63
00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:35,600
Speaker 2: like what what's the problem?

64
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:36,800
Speaker 1: No, you know what it is.

65
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:42,760
Speaker 2: It's because our brand is really friend and the more

66
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:47,320
Speaker 2: dulled up I am, the less it's us. And so

67
00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:50,480
Speaker 2: you know, we just kind of roll up to the

68
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:56,240
Speaker 2: camera and if hair is a disaster or you know,

69
00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:57,840
Speaker 2: it just is what it is.

70
00:03:57,880 --> 00:03:58,840
Speaker 1: Like, this is how I look.

71
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,920
Speaker 3: Do you love your greeting that you always do? I'm

72
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:07,080
Speaker 3: going to say it to you. Hello friend, Hello Mel Robins,

73
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:12,480
Speaker 3: Welcome to No Filter. I'm your new friend, Caiteline Brook.

74
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:16,719
Speaker 2: I don't think you're a new friend. I think you've

75
00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:19,320
Speaker 2: been an old friend, and so thank you for welcoming

76
00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:21,440
Speaker 2: me as a friend. You know, I kind of believe

77
00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:23,919
Speaker 2: we are all friends on the road of life. I

78
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:26,680
Speaker 2: think about the fact that you can learn anything from

79
00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:29,960
Speaker 2: anybody if you're willing to kind of lean in. And

80
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:32,400
Speaker 2: there are going to be times, Kate, where as we're

81
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,880
Speaker 2: on the road of life taking a long walk together,

82
00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:36,719
Speaker 2: you're going to be a couple of steps ahead of

83
00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:38,799
Speaker 2: me because you and your husband have gone through something

84
00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:41,720
Speaker 2: that my husband and I haven't yet, and so you

85
00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:43,760
Speaker 2: can be a friend to us. And then there are

86
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:46,279
Speaker 2: times where I may be just a step ahead of

87
00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:48,680
Speaker 2: you because I just went through something with my son

88
00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:51,719
Speaker 2: and figured out that he had dyslexia, and now I can,

89
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:54,200
Speaker 2: you know, be a friend to you as you're sorting

90
00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:59,880
Speaker 2: through an issue. And so, you know, I love saying

91
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,640
Speaker 2: it's your friend, mel because that's what I believe, and

92
00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:05,839
Speaker 2: that's how I feel as I'm move through life, whether

93
00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:08,919
Speaker 2: I'm walking into a coffee shop or through an airport,

94
00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:10,880
Speaker 2: or down a dirt road, or I'm stepping up to

95
00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:11,640
Speaker 2: a microphone.

96
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:16,760
Speaker 3: It's an interesting thing because your attitude to sharing your

97
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:23,800
Speaker 3: knowledge comes from a place of great warmth and great vulnerability.

98
00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:27,400
Speaker 3: And the model that we have is that often when

99
00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:31,000
Speaker 3: people achieve a certain degree of success, they start to

100
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:33,240
Speaker 3: put the walls up. They need to protect their privacy.

101
00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:36,080
Speaker 3: They won't talk about their personal life. They da, da da.

102
00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:43,520
Speaker 3: How do you maintain your openness to share your vulnerability

103
00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,880
Speaker 3: with basically the world.

104
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,000
Speaker 2: It's a great question, and I'll answer it a couple

105
00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,800
Speaker 2: of ways. Number One, I'm grateful that all of this

106
00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:54,560
Speaker 2: happens to lead in life. And you know, when you

107
00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:57,719
Speaker 2: go through an experience at the age of forty one

108
00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:02,920
Speaker 2: where you nearly lose everything that matters to you, your life, savings,

109
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:08,960
Speaker 2: your marriage, your sanity, your family, your home, it's a

110
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:13,360
Speaker 2: real wake up call. And it also sears into you

111
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:17,120
Speaker 2: what you actually value. And I think too often it's

112
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:19,560
Speaker 2: not until we lose something or almost lose something, that

113
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:21,600
Speaker 2: we realize how much it meant to us. And so

114
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:25,400
Speaker 2: to have that experience or my career at least the

115
00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,240
Speaker 2: one that everybody sees right now, you know, I'm fifty

116
00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:34,200
Speaker 2: six now that it started fifteen years ago at rock bottom,

117
00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:36,960
Speaker 2: where I was on the verge of losing everything that mattered.

118
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,440
Speaker 2: And so when you have an experience where your kids

119
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,760
Speaker 2: are standing next to you and you can't pay for

120
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:45,520
Speaker 2: groceries at the grocery store. When you have experience where

121
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:48,160
Speaker 2: your kids are in the car and you can't fill

122
00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:51,840
Speaker 2: the tank of gas that they're in, you don't lose that.

123
00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:55,920
Speaker 2: And I remember in moments of my life, whether it

124
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,000
Speaker 2: was that moment or it was moments when I was

125
00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:01,320
Speaker 2: younger and I was struggling with issues I didn't even understand.

126
00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:05,480
Speaker 2: I wasn't diagnosed until I was forty seven with ADHD,

127
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:08,160
Speaker 2: but it impacted me my whole life that I didn't know,

128
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:11,360
Speaker 2: and I thought I was dealing with anxiety when really

129
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:15,200
Speaker 2: I was dealing with undiagnosed ADHD. And the main symptom

130
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:18,440
Speaker 2: that people women in particular feel when they don't have

131
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:22,840
Speaker 2: a proper diagnosis of something focus related or you know,

132
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:24,960
Speaker 2: I also have dyslexia, which I didn't know until I

133
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:28,760
Speaker 2: was forty seven, that you develop anxiety because you're being

134
00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:34,760
Speaker 2: asked to do things that your brain functionally, structurally isn't

135
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,040
Speaker 2: able to do the way the people do. You start

136
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,080
Speaker 2: to think that you're an idiot or there's something wrong

137
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:42,520
Speaker 2: with you, and then all of that anxiety develops and

138
00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:45,520
Speaker 2: so in these moments where I've really struggled, I just

139
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,520
Speaker 2: thought I was the only one. I thought there was

140
00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:50,680
Speaker 2: something wrong with me. And looking back, I can see

141
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:55,560
Speaker 2: that that loneliness and that sense of being closed off

142
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:59,600
Speaker 2: in your own experience and then pretending on the surface

143
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,960
Speaker 2: that something else was going on. It led to me

144
00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:08,160
Speaker 2: hurting other people. It led to me just spoiling really

145
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:11,560
Speaker 2: important opportunities. It led to me acting in ways that

146
00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:15,080
Speaker 2: I really regret. It led to me hurting myself in

147
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,040
Speaker 2: many many ways.

148
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:16,480
Speaker 1: And so.

149
00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:22,000
Speaker 2: I guess I'm so open because number one, if anything,

150
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:26,560
Speaker 2: that I've learned the hard way and help somebody else

151
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:30,360
Speaker 2: from suffering the way that I did. My God, I

152
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:33,920
Speaker 2: will tell you everything. And the other reason why I'm

153
00:08:33,959 --> 00:08:36,839
Speaker 2: so open is I've spent so long in my life

154
00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:39,880
Speaker 2: pretending to be somebody I'm not that I just think

155
00:08:39,959 --> 00:08:42,999
Speaker 2: it's so much easier to be who you are, and

156
00:08:43,559 --> 00:08:47,040
Speaker 2: you know, and everybody says it's vulnerable. I actually don't

157
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:49,879
Speaker 2: think it's vulnerable at all. It is the easiest thing

158
00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:53,439
Speaker 2: in the world when you stop judging your own experience.

159
00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:57,280
Speaker 3: You know, when you say you spent so long pretending

160
00:08:57,319 --> 00:09:03,720
Speaker 3: to be someone that you weren't your essential self. It's

161
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:09,160
Speaker 3: interesting because as you are so accomplished, and even when

162
00:09:09,439 --> 00:09:11,760
Speaker 3: you and your husband Crease hit the skeeds with the

163
00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:14,479
Speaker 3: business and you were eight hundred granding date and that

164
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:18,999
Speaker 3: is dire, you was still a woman of great accomplishment.

165
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:22,439
Speaker 3: You've got a couple of degrees. You're a lawyer, you

166
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:26,000
Speaker 3: are hard hitting, you a clear thinking Who were you

167
00:09:26,079 --> 00:09:28,439
Speaker 3: pretending to be hard hitting?

168
00:09:28,599 --> 00:09:31,280
Speaker 2: Clear thinking? Got it all together?

169
00:09:31,359 --> 00:09:32,079
Speaker 1: Accomplished?

170
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:35,839
Speaker 2: Hey, degrees are something that's on a piece of paper.

171
00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:38,480
Speaker 2: That doesn't mean that you feel good about yourself. And

172
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:42,319
Speaker 2: I think for a long time I thought I had

173
00:09:42,359 --> 00:09:44,640
Speaker 2: to measure up to the Ivy League degree. I thought

174
00:09:44,679 --> 00:09:48,199
Speaker 2: I had to be something because of the lawyer thing.

175
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:54,280
Speaker 2: And every one of us has this disconnect from who

176
00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:57,920
Speaker 2: were presenting to the world versus the experience that we're

177
00:09:57,959 --> 00:10:02,040
Speaker 2: having internally, and this deep sense of am I enough?

178
00:10:02,839 --> 00:10:06,479
Speaker 2: And for a long time the answer was no. And

179
00:10:06,839 --> 00:10:09,160
Speaker 2: there was never enough that I could do. There was

180
00:10:09,239 --> 00:10:11,679
Speaker 2: never enough that was going to prove that I was okay.

181
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:16,439
Speaker 2: I was constantly seeking validation outside of me, constantly seeking approval.

182
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,920
Speaker 2: If a new purse, could you know, make other people

183
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,920
Speaker 2: like me? If I with the right friend group. I

184
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:24,160
Speaker 2: think we're all searching for that level of acceptance. And

185
00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:30,120
Speaker 2: it took me getting into a very dire state where

186
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:35,760
Speaker 2: I had to rebuild myself from the inside out when

187
00:10:35,839 --> 00:10:37,920
Speaker 2: we were that far in debt, and I got to

188
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,839
Speaker 2: a point where it was just very difficult to get

189
00:10:40,839 --> 00:10:43,640
Speaker 2: out of bed and face the nightmare that my life

190
00:10:43,719 --> 00:10:51,280
Speaker 2: had become. Learning anew how to wake up and face

191
00:10:51,439 --> 00:10:55,959
Speaker 2: the day was a skill, like learning how to get

192
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,439
Speaker 2: out of bed, when I didn't feel like it was

193
00:10:58,479 --> 00:11:01,880
Speaker 2: a life skill, like I had spent my life avoiding

194
00:11:02,359 --> 00:11:05,999
Speaker 2: the things that felt hard. Avoiding like academics came easy,

195
00:11:06,079 --> 00:11:09,079
Speaker 2: Like I'm clearly a very very intellectual and smart person,

196
00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:11,679
Speaker 2: so hitting the books and not having to talk to

197
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:16,840
Speaker 2: their human beings easy. But really learning how to be

198
00:11:17,079 --> 00:11:20,439
Speaker 2: okay with who I am and who I'm not, learning

199
00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:24,640
Speaker 2: how to be okay with what social group I'm in

200
00:11:24,719 --> 00:11:26,920
Speaker 2: and what social group I'm not. Learning, how to be

201
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:30,239
Speaker 2: okay with what my body is or it isn't how

202
00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:33,840
Speaker 2: I measure up the amount of money or no money.

203
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:38,200
Speaker 2: You know what's fascinating is I think that in life,

204
00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:45,319
Speaker 2: most people know how to have a bad attitude or

205
00:11:45,359 --> 00:11:50,119
Speaker 2: be in a bad mood for no reason. That for decades,

206
00:11:50,199 --> 00:11:53,600
Speaker 2: you can train yourself to just look at the day

207
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:56,840
Speaker 2: ahead and see nothing but reasons to be in a

208
00:11:56,880 --> 00:12:00,879
Speaker 2: bad mood, reasons to doubt yourself. What I think is

209
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:05,439
Speaker 2: a really important skill in life is teaching yourself to

210
00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:10,280
Speaker 2: have a good attitude, to be in a positive mood

211
00:12:10,839 --> 00:12:15,600
Speaker 2: for no reason, for no reason, because learning how to

212
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,400
Speaker 2: wake up every day and say, you know what, today

213
00:12:17,479 --> 00:12:20,079
Speaker 2: is going to be a great day. And it's not

214
00:12:20,119 --> 00:12:21,720
Speaker 2: going to be great the whole day, but I'm going

215
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:24,279
Speaker 2: to make it a good day because there's something that

216
00:12:24,319 --> 00:12:26,120
Speaker 2: I'm going to do that's going to make me feel good.

217
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:29,760
Speaker 2: That's a way to program yourself to have a good attitude.

218
00:12:30,359 --> 00:12:33,040
Speaker 2: Learning how to wake up and say, you know, I

219
00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:35,079
Speaker 2: don't know what's going to happen, but I know I'm

220
00:12:35,119 --> 00:12:39,519
Speaker 2: capable of figuring it out today. Doubling down on your ability.

221
00:12:39,679 --> 00:12:43,640
Speaker 3: Well, I sometimes think this mood thing I find really interesting.

222
00:12:44,119 --> 00:12:47,240
Speaker 3: I did breakfast radio for twelve years, so my muscles

223
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:50,399
Speaker 3: to wake up whistling are pretty good. You've got to

224
00:12:50,439 --> 00:12:52,999
Speaker 3: wake up happy. You got no You've got no saying it.

225
00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:56,920
Speaker 3: And I've also got four children and they're all sort

226
00:12:56,959 --> 00:13:02,040
Speaker 3: of wired differently for mornings. Mornings in particular, I think

227
00:13:02,079 --> 00:13:05,160
Speaker 3: are so essential and I always say to these you

228
00:13:05,199 --> 00:13:07,600
Speaker 3: may as well do it happily because it has to

229
00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:12,800
Speaker 3: be done regardless. But I think that sometimes people use

230
00:13:13,599 --> 00:13:18,599
Speaker 3: the mood that you're talking about to deflect. You know how,

231
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:21,480
Speaker 3: no one will come near someone who's grumpy. So when

232
00:13:21,479 --> 00:13:26,079
Speaker 3: you're hiding the inner truth of yourself and you project

233
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:29,760
Speaker 3: that anger or hostility or don't come near me to

234
00:13:29,839 --> 00:13:34,240
Speaker 3: the world, do you think that you were protecting yourself

235
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,599
Speaker 3: from the truth of yourself at that time?

236
00:13:37,119 --> 00:13:39,240
Speaker 2: I'm sure, because you know, like if you think about

237
00:13:39,239 --> 00:13:41,640
Speaker 2: anybody in your life who's miserable, yes, they're always in

238
00:13:41,679 --> 00:13:46,880
Speaker 2: a bad mood. They are always talking about the negative.

239
00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:51,439
Speaker 2: There's always some grape that is a human being that

240
00:13:51,959 --> 00:13:57,239
Speaker 2: is projecting an inner landscape that they have not dealt

241
00:13:57,239 --> 00:14:00,559
Speaker 2: with yet. See, there is a lot in a person

242
00:14:00,719 --> 00:14:04,640
Speaker 2: like that. There's typically a lot of sadness, there's a

243
00:14:04,679 --> 00:14:10,839
Speaker 2: lot of self criticism, there's a sense of isolation. There's

244
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:14,920
Speaker 2: a sense that life isn't fair, and that's a very

245
00:14:14,959 --> 00:14:17,439
Speaker 2: difficult thing to sit with. I mean, there are those

246
00:14:17,479 --> 00:14:20,280
Speaker 2: of us that just marinate in that and make ourselves miserable,

247
00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:24,280
Speaker 2: but we don't project it to anybody else. But then

248
00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:27,080
Speaker 2: there's a lot of people that feel those exact same things,

249
00:14:27,119 --> 00:14:30,359
Speaker 2: and they can't tolerate those feelings, so they barfit out

250
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:33,479
Speaker 2: at everybody else. And so when I see somebody that's

251
00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:36,200
Speaker 2: like that, I just, you know, say let them. Let

252
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:38,320
Speaker 2: them be in a terrible mood, let them be disappointed,

253
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,200
Speaker 2: let them be angry at life. Because it's not my

254
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:42,480
Speaker 2: job to save people or heal them, and I can't,

255
00:14:43,239 --> 00:14:50,520
Speaker 2: but let me not allow that negativity to impact me

256
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:53,280
Speaker 2: or to become my job to manage, because I find

257
00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:56,640
Speaker 2: that people that are negative tend to get a lot

258
00:14:56,680 --> 00:15:01,200
Speaker 2: of attention for that negativity. They feel powerful because of

259
00:15:01,239 --> 00:15:06,400
Speaker 2: that negativity, and it's also a giant kind of shield

260
00:15:07,119 --> 00:15:09,280
Speaker 2: to have to do everything, you know, because you can

261
00:15:09,479 --> 00:15:11,640
Speaker 2: there's always, like this is the thing about life, there's

262
00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:12,600
Speaker 2: always something you can.

263
00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:13,359
Speaker 1: Do to make things better.

264
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:17,320
Speaker 2: Even if you're going through the worst thing in the world,

265
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:22,160
Speaker 2: there's always something you can do with your attitude and

266
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:27,200
Speaker 2: with the little things that you do that can make

267
00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:30,000
Speaker 2: things slightly better. I mean, this is the entire thesis

268
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:34,120
Speaker 2: of Victor Frankel's Seminal work Man search for meaning that

269
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:37,520
Speaker 2: in the middle of the Holocaust and all these horrific

270
00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:42,399
Speaker 2: things he cannot control in the concentration camp, he recognizes

271
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:45,800
Speaker 2: that the only thing in his control in this absolutely

272
00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:52,759
Speaker 2: unspeakable situation is what he's thinking about and his physical

273
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:56,759
Speaker 2: response to what's happening. That through his thoughts and actions,

274
00:15:56,760 --> 00:16:01,399
Speaker 2: he cannot only survive this situation, but he can help

275
00:16:01,479 --> 00:16:06,479
Speaker 2: himself through the situation. And to me, when you start

276
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:11,400
Speaker 2: to understand that you have so much more power than

277
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:14,920
Speaker 2: you realize, and that no matter where you are right now, Kate,

278
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:18,519
Speaker 2: whether you're like I am and you are just embarrassingly

279
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:23,520
Speaker 2: in debt, or you are broken up with for the

280
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:27,280
Speaker 2: tenth time where you're horribly overweight, or you're like one

281
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,360
Speaker 2: of the most beautiful things about the human design is

282
00:16:30,359 --> 00:16:32,800
Speaker 2: that you're designed to grow, You're designed to change.

283
00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:34,720
Speaker 1: That your body and your mind.

284
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:38,800
Speaker 2: Are waiting for you to program in different thinking and

285
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:42,080
Speaker 2: waiting for you to wake up and go, how I'm

286
00:16:42,119 --> 00:16:44,800
Speaker 2: doing life just doesn't feel good anymore, and so I'm

287
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:46,280
Speaker 2: gonna change.

288
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:50,080
Speaker 3: It's interesting because we live in a time of great comfort.

289
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:54,800
Speaker 3: Comfort's available to us pretty well with a conditioning or

290
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:57,520
Speaker 3: with the running water that I should have had this morning.

291
00:16:58,119 --> 00:17:03,520
Speaker 3: You know, we're very we become very resistant to discomfort

292
00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:06,680
Speaker 3: because we're so used to having air con or whatever,

293
00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:12,480
Speaker 3: or there's a grocery store full of abundance. How did

294
00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:16,520
Speaker 3: you face the ultimate discomfort, which I think comes from

295
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:19,760
Speaker 3: within and you actually say in let them. The first

296
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:23,239
Speaker 3: step to change in your life is taking responsibility for

297
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:27,359
Speaker 3: the fact that your life isn't working. Now, that to

298
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:32,880
Speaker 3: me is the most pain. That's searingly painful, that realization.

299
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:36,720
Speaker 3: We've all had those in our life. When you had

300
00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:41,200
Speaker 3: that moment, how did you get into the depths of that?

301
00:17:42,639 --> 00:17:44,359
Speaker 3: Was it because you couldn't get out of bed?

302
00:17:45,639 --> 00:17:49,600
Speaker 2: I want to really highlight this question. The first step

303
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:55,040
Speaker 2: to changing is it admitting to yourself that the way

304
00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:57,039
Speaker 2: that you're living your life is no longer working.

305
00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:00,720
Speaker 1: That is all it takes to change.

306
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:05,239
Speaker 2: And it's pretty clear when your life isn't work or

307
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:09,040
Speaker 2: when aspects of your life aren't working. I mean, you know,

308
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:11,999
Speaker 2: at this point in the story of my life, I

309
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:15,200
Speaker 2: was drinking myself into the ground, blaming everything on my husband.

310
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:18,080
Speaker 2: I would hit the snooze button six times in the

311
00:18:18,119 --> 00:18:21,759
Speaker 2: morning and wake up hungover to my two children who

312
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:24,119
Speaker 2: were school age at the time who had missed the bus.

313
00:18:24,119 --> 00:18:26,520
Speaker 2: Like when your kids are waking you up after you've

314
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:29,800
Speaker 2: missed the bus, you're basically failing at parenting in life.

315
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,360
Speaker 1: I mean, let's be honest, you don't need a.

316
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:35,759
Speaker 2: PhD to understand that that's a pretty clear indication that

317
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:39,119
Speaker 2: the way they're doing life ain't working really well and

318
00:18:39,159 --> 00:18:41,240
Speaker 2: you don't feel good about yourself. And it doesn't take

319
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:45,560
Speaker 2: a rocket scientist or an expert, because people know when

320
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:47,960
Speaker 2: they're not doing well. Like I choose to believe, Kate

321
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,840
Speaker 2: that we all want to thrive. We want to do

322
00:18:49,919 --> 00:18:51,760
Speaker 2: well at work, we want to do well at school,

323
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:54,440
Speaker 2: we want to feel connected in our relationships, we want

324
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:57,560
Speaker 2: to feel a sense of control about where our life

325
00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:00,000
Speaker 2: is going. We want to feel proud of ourselves. So

326
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,879
Speaker 2: I choose to believe that that is at the core

327
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:06,680
Speaker 2: who you are and what is meant for you. And

328
00:19:07,119 --> 00:19:10,440
Speaker 2: for just endless and endless reasons, we get away from

329
00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:13,520
Speaker 2: who we are and we get off track. And the

330
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:16,879
Speaker 2: only thing that you need as the first step to

331
00:19:16,879 --> 00:19:18,679
Speaker 2: get back on track in your life is to admit

332
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,600
Speaker 2: that how your life feels, or how your marriage feels,

333
00:19:20,639 --> 00:19:22,280
Speaker 2: or how your job feels no longer works for you,

334
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:24,639
Speaker 2: and you don't need to have to have a reason

335
00:19:25,679 --> 00:19:27,680
Speaker 2: just saying it. It just doesn't feel how I want

336
00:19:27,679 --> 00:19:31,600
Speaker 2: it to feel. And this is the piece, this second step,

337
00:19:32,879 --> 00:19:35,280
Speaker 2: that I think most people miss. And I've come to

338
00:19:35,359 --> 00:19:38,240
Speaker 2: believe doing the work that I've done now for fifteen

339
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:41,639
Speaker 2: years on myself, sharing all the things that I share,

340
00:19:41,679 --> 00:19:44,359
Speaker 2: doing all the research that I do, I have come

341
00:19:44,399 --> 00:19:50,440
Speaker 2: to believe that the single biggest obstacle in every person's way,

342
00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,600
Speaker 2: So the person watching or listening right now, the single

343
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:56,680
Speaker 2: biggest obstacle in your way right now is not ability.

344
00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:59,879
Speaker 2: No way, your friend Mel Robbins will tell you you

345
00:19:59,919 --> 00:20:02,999
Speaker 2: are fucking capable of doing what you need to do, Like,

346
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:05,680
Speaker 2: stop with this bullshit and get to work, like I'm

347
00:20:05,679 --> 00:20:08,679
Speaker 2: gonna I'll clack like I'm not going to hear it.

348
00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:10,920
Speaker 2: I'm not going to hear it from you, because I

349
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:15,679
Speaker 2: choose to believe that through your attitude and through your actions,

350
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:19,119
Speaker 2: you can move the needle over time, not overnight overtime.

351
00:20:19,679 --> 00:20:28,760
Speaker 2: But here's the obstacle. It is a lack of hope, discouragement,

352
00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:32,359
Speaker 2: the belief that it's not going to work for you

353
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:36,800
Speaker 2: is the reason why most people stay where they are.

354
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:40,560
Speaker 2: We live in a moment in time where you have

355
00:20:40,679 --> 00:20:42,959
Speaker 2: more information than you could possibly need. If you do

356
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:44,840
Speaker 2: not know how to change your life or make a

357
00:20:44,879 --> 00:20:48,080
Speaker 2: million dollars or connect with your kids who won't talk

358
00:20:48,119 --> 00:20:49,400
Speaker 2: to you, just go to chat GTP.

359
00:20:50,159 --> 00:20:51,600
Speaker 1: Type in the thing you want to change.

360
00:20:51,879 --> 00:20:55,359
Speaker 2: It will spit out a thirty day, day by day

361
00:20:55,399 --> 00:20:59,280
Speaker 2: thing to do, and most of it will probably be accurate.

362
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:00,000
Speaker 1: Some of it won't.

363
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:03,399
Speaker 2: But if you follow the step by step protocol that

364
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:06,800
Speaker 2: it spits out, I guarantee you it would work. But

365
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:08,879
Speaker 2: you're going to look at that listener and no, that's

366
00:21:08,919 --> 00:21:10,880
Speaker 2: not going to work for me. My problems are too

367
00:21:10,919 --> 00:21:13,399
Speaker 2: and then you start talking yourself out of it. So

368
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:17,399
Speaker 2: I really believe that it is this sense of discouragement

369
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:20,119
Speaker 2: that Kate can change your life but I can't. Kate

370
00:21:20,159 --> 00:21:22,760
Speaker 2: can connect with her kids, but I can't. Kate can

371
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:24,879
Speaker 2: wake up at four point thirty in the morning and

372
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,720
Speaker 2: have a hair mask in her hair and no water,

373
00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:30,440
Speaker 2: and she'll figure it out, but I can't because Kate

374
00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:32,479
Speaker 2: has a husband and I don't have a husband, and

375
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:34,879
Speaker 2: so I can. And so do you see how this

376
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:38,119
Speaker 2: sense that it's not going to work For me, this

377
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:42,280
Speaker 2: lack of hope actually stops you from doing what you're

378
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:43,199
Speaker 2: capable of doing.

379
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,520
Speaker 1: And so for me, that that.

380
00:21:48,119 --> 00:21:51,159
Speaker 2: Admission to yourself that your life is not how you

381
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,120
Speaker 2: want it to feel, or your relationship is, or your

382
00:21:53,159 --> 00:21:53,760
Speaker 2: body is.

383
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:54,640
Speaker 1: That's step one.

384
00:21:54,639 --> 00:21:59,320
Speaker 2: Step two is actually saying, even if I don't think

385
00:21:59,359 --> 00:22:02,239
Speaker 2: it's going to work, by God, I am going to

386
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:07,039
Speaker 2: act as if I am that person, and I'm going

387
00:22:07,119 --> 00:22:09,919
Speaker 2: to do it before I feel like doing. That is

388
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:12,919
Speaker 2: the secret, like not waiting for someone else to do it,

389
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,479
Speaker 2: not waiting for the motivation to come, because motivation is

390
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:18,040
Speaker 2: garbage is not coming. That's not how your body works.

391
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:20,719
Speaker 2: And this was a huge wake up call for me.

392
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:22,359
Speaker 2: Like I wish I had known this when I was

393
00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:25,199
Speaker 2: a kid. I didn't know that our minds are wired

394
00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:27,600
Speaker 2: against change. They can change, they love to change, but

395
00:22:27,879 --> 00:22:30,960
Speaker 2: you're not going to feel ready to change your mind's

396
00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:32,240
Speaker 2: default toward.

397
00:22:32,159 --> 00:22:32,959
Speaker 1: What feels easy.

398
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:34,800
Speaker 2: That's why we sit on the couch instead of going

399
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:37,399
Speaker 2: to the gym, That's why we watch TV instead of

400
00:22:37,399 --> 00:22:40,159
Speaker 2: working on our resume, because our minds are wired to

401
00:22:40,159 --> 00:22:43,280
Speaker 2: do what feels easy right now. In order to change,

402
00:22:43,679 --> 00:22:49,280
Speaker 2: a human being has to do something that is difficult.

403
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:51,560
Speaker 2: You know, if change were easy, we'd all have a

404
00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:54,280
Speaker 2: million dollars, we'd all have six back abs, we'd all

405
00:22:54,679 --> 00:22:59,479
Speaker 2: like have everything we've ever wanted. Change happens when you

406
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:01,639
Speaker 2: are ready to do the thing you don't feel like doing.

407
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:02,840
Speaker 1: And that's the formula.

408
00:23:02,879 --> 00:23:04,840
Speaker 2: If you just did the shit you didn't feel like doing,

409
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:07,199
Speaker 2: you'd have everything you've ever wanted. And so one of

410
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:09,400
Speaker 2: the huge wake up calls for me, Kate, is realizing

411
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:12,639
Speaker 2: nobody's coming, Nobody's going to do this for me. I

412
00:23:12,679 --> 00:23:16,320
Speaker 2: can either circle the drain and go down it bitching

413
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:18,800
Speaker 2: about my husband and being right that he's the loser

414
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:21,199
Speaker 2: that did this to us. Or I can wake up

415
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:23,240
Speaker 2: and say, the way that life is going doesn't work.

416
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:24,879
Speaker 2: If I want to save this house, I got to

417
00:23:24,919 --> 00:23:28,600
Speaker 2: do something about it. If I want to stop feeling bad,

418
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:30,119
Speaker 2: I got to do something about it.

419
00:23:30,359 --> 00:23:34,840
Speaker 3: What was Can you remember the first thing that you

420
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:36,719
Speaker 3: did that was difficult?

421
00:23:37,159 --> 00:23:37,359
Speaker 4: Yes?

422
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:39,840
Speaker 1: Yes I can. It was a.

423
00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:42,439
Speaker 2: Tuesday morning in February two thousand and eight. I know

424
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:47,119
Speaker 2: the exact morning I had. For six months, the alarm

425
00:23:47,159 --> 00:23:49,840
Speaker 2: would ring and I would lay in bed because we

426
00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:52,280
Speaker 2: had so many problems. My gut, your mind, will look

427
00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:55,680
Speaker 2: for whatever you tell it to. If you put garbage

428
00:23:55,679 --> 00:23:58,879
Speaker 2: in it, your mind will have garbage out just looking

429
00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:01,280
Speaker 2: for what's wrong. I would wake up every day and

430
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:03,960
Speaker 2: let me be clear, there's a lot wrong about my life.

431
00:24:04,639 --> 00:24:09,240
Speaker 2: I was very correct in seeing a lot of negative

432
00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:10,959
Speaker 2: things because there were a lot of negative things. I

433
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:12,959
Speaker 2: was drinking myself into the ground. We had eight hundred

434
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:15,719
Speaker 2: thousand dollars in debt. There were six months of bills

435
00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:18,119
Speaker 2: piled up on that countertop. There were leans that had

436
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:20,879
Speaker 2: hit that house. Friends and family had invested in my

437
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:25,720
Speaker 2: husband's restaurant business. I had lost my job. Like, there

438
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:29,719
Speaker 2: was a lot of reasons to feel sorry for myself,

439
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:31,720
Speaker 2: and boy, oh boyd did I There was a lot

440
00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:33,560
Speaker 2: of reasons we pissed off at my husband, and let

441
00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:38,000
Speaker 2: me tell you, I was. But the question is, are

442
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:40,679
Speaker 2: those reasons and that anger actually helping you?

443
00:24:41,639 --> 00:24:42,520
Speaker 1: Are they helping you?

444
00:24:43,639 --> 00:24:45,439
Speaker 2: Like there's a point in time where you're going to

445
00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:47,640
Speaker 2: get so sick of your own bullshit that you finally

446
00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:51,359
Speaker 2: do something different. And for me, it was a Tuesday

447
00:24:51,359 --> 00:24:57,040
Speaker 2: morning in February twenty, two thousand and eight, and the

448
00:24:57,159 --> 00:25:01,959
Speaker 2: night before I had seen this rocket launch across the

449
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,959
Speaker 2: television screen, and it gave me this like crazy idea

450
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:07,159
Speaker 2: to try to launch myself out of bed. Now, I

451
00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:09,040
Speaker 2: had had a lot of bourbon that night, and so

452
00:25:09,119 --> 00:25:13,119
Speaker 2: that's probably why I had that dumb idea. But for

453
00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:16,119
Speaker 2: whatever reason, the next morning, the alarm rings and I

454
00:25:16,159 --> 00:25:19,359
Speaker 2: remember that dumb idea of launching myself like NASA does

455
00:25:19,399 --> 00:25:22,000
Speaker 2: five four three two one, like literally count back and

456
00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:25,759
Speaker 2: launch yourself. And I started to think about how I

457
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:26,759
Speaker 2: felt about doing it.

458
00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:28,999
Speaker 1: This is the mistake. You stop and think about how

459
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:29,439
Speaker 1: you feel.

460
00:25:30,639 --> 00:25:35,399
Speaker 2: And immediately I saw all the negative. I don't feel

461
00:25:35,399 --> 00:25:38,119
Speaker 2: like getting out of bed. It's cold, it's dark, it's February,

462
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:40,919
Speaker 2: which is winter in Boston, Massachusetts. How the hell is

463
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:42,800
Speaker 2: getting out of bed going to pay my bills? I'm

464
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:45,840
Speaker 2: pissed off at Chris, Like what the And I started

465
00:25:45,879 --> 00:25:48,959
Speaker 2: reaching for the snooze button, which is a massive form

466
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:51,679
Speaker 2: of avoidance. Great way to start the day, let's just

467
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:55,159
Speaker 2: procrastinate by getting out getting out of bed. But for

468
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:58,600
Speaker 2: whatever reason, that morning, February two thousand and eight, I

469
00:25:58,679 --> 00:26:00,760
Speaker 2: made one decision that changed my life. I just started

470
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,800
Speaker 2: counting backwards five four three two one, and then I

471
00:26:03,879 --> 00:26:07,919
Speaker 2: rolled out of bed and it was this weird moment,

472
00:26:08,879 --> 00:26:11,679
Speaker 2: first time I had gotten out of bed when the

473
00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:15,080
Speaker 2: alarm ranged in six months, and it felt like a

474
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:17,760
Speaker 2: small victory. And it was because it was the first

475
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:21,680
Speaker 2: time that the negativity and the bad mood and the

476
00:26:21,679 --> 00:26:25,280
Speaker 2: anger and the depression and all of the problems.

477
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:27,000
Speaker 1: It was the first time they didn't win.

478
00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:30,119
Speaker 3: Because you you won. You deserted yourself.

479
00:26:30,359 --> 00:26:34,800
Speaker 2: Oh I took action, Yes, yes, I took the action

480
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:38,320
Speaker 2: despite the feelings. And you know, for you listening or

481
00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:39,679
Speaker 2: watching right now, I'm going to tell you something. There

482
00:26:39,679 --> 00:26:41,639
Speaker 2: are things that you know you need to do and

483
00:26:41,679 --> 00:26:43,280
Speaker 2: you've been waiting around to feel better.

484
00:26:43,359 --> 00:26:44,040
Speaker 1: Do not do that.

485
00:26:44,679 --> 00:26:46,560
Speaker 2: You're not going to feel better until you take the

486
00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:50,480
Speaker 2: action first. Because what happens is, and this is sort

487
00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:53,120
Speaker 2: of how to break down what's actually happening, is your

488
00:26:53,159 --> 00:26:56,359
Speaker 2: mind is watching and every morning that you hit the

489
00:26:56,359 --> 00:26:59,080
Speaker 2: snooze button six times, it becomes your identity and your

490
00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:01,959
Speaker 2: brain's like, oh, I'm the kind of person that just

491
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:04,119
Speaker 2: avoids doing the hard things, and then you avoid doing

492
00:27:04,119 --> 00:27:07,560
Speaker 2: more hard things. This is why you should never allow

493
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:11,159
Speaker 2: your children's anxiety to have them opt out of something,

494
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:15,080
Speaker 2: because when you allow your children's anxiety to let them

495
00:27:15,119 --> 00:27:19,359
Speaker 2: avoid doing something that scares them. You allowing them to

496
00:27:19,359 --> 00:27:21,760
Speaker 2: op out communicates to them in their brain that they're

497
00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:24,600
Speaker 2: not capable of doing hard things, and so you make

498
00:27:24,639 --> 00:27:26,639
Speaker 2: the anxiety worse. How do I know that because I

499
00:27:26,639 --> 00:27:28,680
Speaker 2: did this with my children, I made their anxiety worse

500
00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:29,439
Speaker 2: because I didn't know.

501
00:27:29,639 --> 00:27:31,360
Speaker 1: Now I know, and so.

502
00:27:33,119 --> 00:27:40,520
Speaker 2: I learned through that experience that doing something that you

503
00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:45,600
Speaker 2: don't feel like doing is a skill. Learning how to

504
00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:49,000
Speaker 2: do things just because you know they need to get done,

505
00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:51,239
Speaker 2: which you can do in lots of areas your life. Look,

506
00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:53,720
Speaker 2: I don't like unloading the dishwasher, I still do it.

507
00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:56,399
Speaker 2: I never feel like folding laundry, I still do it.

508
00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:58,560
Speaker 2: I don't feel like picking up the dog poo in

509
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:00,760
Speaker 2: the yard before we mow it, I still do it.

510
00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:03,239
Speaker 2: There are areas of your life where you do this,

511
00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:06,040
Speaker 2: but when it comes to the most important things, you're

512
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:09,719
Speaker 2: waiting for the feelings to align with the action, and

513
00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:12,719
Speaker 2: it is the opposite act first, and then how you

514
00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:17,439
Speaker 2: feel changes. And here's what also happens. You start to

515
00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:22,680
Speaker 2: see yourself differently, seeing myself get out of bed when

516
00:28:22,679 --> 00:28:26,479
Speaker 2: the alarm rang starts to become if you start to

517
00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:31,080
Speaker 2: do it, most mornings, you start to see yourself as

518
00:28:31,119 --> 00:28:33,360
Speaker 2: the kind of person who gets out of bed when

519
00:28:33,359 --> 00:28:36,800
Speaker 2: the alarm rings, versus the kind of person who lays

520
00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:39,680
Speaker 2: there and stares at the ceiling like a human pot roast,

521
00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:44,280
Speaker 2: marinating in fear and all your problems and how that

522
00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:49,320
Speaker 2: And it was the action, not the thinking, that changed

523
00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:51,440
Speaker 2: the way you see yourself. And so, Kate, a lot

524
00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:54,440
Speaker 2: of people will ask me, now, how the hell did

525
00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:59,440
Speaker 2: you build this insane business that you have and this

526
00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:02,719
Speaker 2: podcast and these books, and how do you have thirty

527
00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:05,640
Speaker 2: five people working for you and udios in Boston and

528
00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:08,560
Speaker 2: you're fifty six? How you, I literally say, by learning

529
00:29:08,560 --> 00:29:10,200
Speaker 2: how to get out of bed on the mornings I don't.

530
00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:10,519
Speaker 1: Feel like it.

531
00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:12,440
Speaker 2: Because if you can learn how to get out of

532
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:13,920
Speaker 2: bed when you don't feel like it, if you can

533
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:17,320
Speaker 2: learn how to have non alcoholic drink instead of an

534
00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:20,280
Speaker 2: alcoholic drink when you don't feel when you can learn

535
00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:21,720
Speaker 2: how to go for a walk when you don't feel

536
00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:23,040
Speaker 2: like it, when you can learn how to start a

537
00:29:23,080 --> 00:29:25,680
Speaker 2: conversation that's hard when you don't feel like it, you

538
00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:26,400
Speaker 2: can do anything.

539
00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:28,160
Speaker 1: That's the secret.

540
00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:31,160
Speaker 2: And so that period of my life taught me that

541
00:29:31,360 --> 00:29:37,240
Speaker 2: action and acting consistently with the things that I want

542
00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:39,120
Speaker 2: gives you what you want in life.

543
00:29:42,680 --> 00:29:46,880
Speaker 3: Up next, Mel Robbins dives into how hitting rock bottom

544
00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:56,480
Speaker 3: saved her marriage and her life. Don't go anywhere. How

545
00:29:56,520 --> 00:30:01,080
Speaker 3: did that extrapolate to your husband and your children at

546
00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:04,080
Speaker 3: that time? So they've been living with someone who, like

547
00:30:04,120 --> 00:30:08,080
Speaker 3: you said, is Marinity black apold christ as as I

548
00:30:08,120 --> 00:30:10,800
Speaker 3: guess Chris was at the time as well.

549
00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:13,280
Speaker 2: No, Chris was running for me because I was a

550
00:30:13,320 --> 00:30:15,840
Speaker 2: complete bitch to be around. Like he's a very smart man.

551
00:30:15,920 --> 00:30:18,280
Speaker 2: He was drinking himself into the ground. Yeah, how it

552
00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:24,640
Speaker 2: translated is my mood shifted. Problems started getting solved. I

553
00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:27,759
Speaker 2: got myself a job, I started asking for help. I

554
00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:31,320
Speaker 2: started being honest about what was going on. I started

555
00:30:31,720 --> 00:30:34,840
Speaker 2: five four three two one. Instead of screaming at Chris,

556
00:30:34,920 --> 00:30:38,840
Speaker 2: I would settle myself. So one decision, one action at

557
00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:43,760
Speaker 2: a time. I started to take different actions, and those

558
00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:48,160
Speaker 2: changed the course of everything. And it all starts with you.

559
00:30:49,120 --> 00:30:51,320
Speaker 2: Like we're all sitting around waiting to be rescued or

560
00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:53,840
Speaker 2: waiting for somebody else to do it. You have so

561
00:30:54,160 --> 00:30:57,600
Speaker 2: much more power, Like think about yourself and the power

562
00:30:57,640 --> 00:31:00,840
Speaker 2: that you have, Like the weather. You can be sunny

563
00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:04,520
Speaker 2: and that changes everybody around you.

564
00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:05,920
Speaker 1: That's the power that you have.

565
00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:08,400
Speaker 2: Or you can be a storm and we all know

566
00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:10,360
Speaker 2: people who walk in a room and they are a

567
00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:16,080
Speaker 2: storm and their energy affects everybody. You get to choose

568
00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:24,280
Speaker 2: being in a positive and action oriented mindset for no reason,

569
00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:29,959
Speaker 2: because right now you're in a very negative or self

570
00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:33,840
Speaker 2: doubting one for no particular reason other than the fact

571
00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:34,759
Speaker 2: that you're used to it.

572
00:31:35,320 --> 00:31:39,240
Speaker 3: So Chris rose to meet you, the new you, when

573
00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:41,040
Speaker 3: you could show yourself again to.

574
00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:43,760
Speaker 1: Be not really okay, not really?

575
00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:44,320
Speaker 3: How is that?

576
00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:48,080
Speaker 2: Because you can't make other people change, You can't like Chris,

577
00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:50,960
Speaker 2: Chris started using five four three two one and went

578
00:31:51,040 --> 00:31:55,280
Speaker 2: back into his restaurant business and renegotiated leases and laid

579
00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:57,800
Speaker 2: off a bunch of people and went to the investors.

580
00:31:57,840 --> 00:32:01,120
Speaker 2: And it was like a slog for years and years

581
00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:02,959
Speaker 2: and years turning it around. But you know, when he

582
00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:05,479
Speaker 2: left the restaurant business in twenty fourteen, he was a

583
00:32:05,480 --> 00:32:10,640
Speaker 2: shell of himself. So six years later he's doing the stuff.

584
00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:13,080
Speaker 2: But he hadn't addressed his drinking. He hadn't addressed the

585
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:15,719
Speaker 2: shame that he felt about the fact that you know,

586
00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:16,800
Speaker 2: as a man.

587
00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:19,360
Speaker 1: And this is speaking in very heterosexual norms.

588
00:32:20,200 --> 00:32:22,440
Speaker 2: He felt he had failed because he didn't provide for

589
00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:25,759
Speaker 2: his family and his business was in a success and

590
00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:29,920
Speaker 2: he lost people's money and he went into a dark

591
00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:35,400
Speaker 2: depression and every want I just you know, an angry,

592
00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:38,880
Speaker 2: resentful wife who was now out there like having to

593
00:32:38,880 --> 00:32:42,760
Speaker 2: make the money and you know, working three jobs and

594
00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:45,440
Speaker 2: making the ends meet, while he's barely able to hold

595
00:32:45,480 --> 00:32:48,160
Speaker 2: it together. And this is the thing about life. You

596
00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:51,560
Speaker 2: cannot heal another person. You cannot do the work for

597
00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:55,440
Speaker 2: another person. The way that you actually do the work

598
00:32:55,480 --> 00:32:58,120
Speaker 2: for other people is you do the work to make

599
00:32:58,160 --> 00:32:59,160
Speaker 2: you proud of yourself.

600
00:32:59,520 --> 00:33:00,240
Speaker 1: You do the.

601
00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:04,360
Speaker 2: Work to align your actions every day in a way

602
00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:08,080
Speaker 2: that makes you proud of yourself. And if you are

603
00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:10,400
Speaker 2: proud of yourself, because you get out of bed and

604
00:33:10,400 --> 00:33:13,120
Speaker 2: you make your bed and you have a morning routine

605
00:33:13,160 --> 00:33:14,880
Speaker 2: that makes you feel like you and then you go

606
00:33:14,960 --> 00:33:17,200
Speaker 2: to work and you're a good person and you're kind

607
00:33:17,240 --> 00:33:19,000
Speaker 2: to people, and you do the best that you can,

608
00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:22,880
Speaker 2: and you try hard to stay in control of your emotions.

609
00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:26,680
Speaker 2: You're not an asshole to people. And you end the

610
00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:28,840
Speaker 2: day and put your head on your pillow and say,

611
00:33:28,880 --> 00:33:30,400
Speaker 2: you know what I did the best I could today.

612
00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:31,800
Speaker 1: I'm proud of myself.

613
00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:38,000
Speaker 3: You're winning, Yeah, you're winning. And then people are attracted

614
00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:42,320
Speaker 3: to the qualities that you are demonstrating. They're like mail,

615
00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:45,800
Speaker 3: how do you know the secret of you always seem

616
00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:48,120
Speaker 3: like you're in a good mood or think great things

617
00:33:48,120 --> 00:33:49,080
Speaker 3: are happening for you.

618
00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:53,760
Speaker 2: Taught myself how to be cape and here's why. Let's

619
00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:55,920
Speaker 2: just take what happened to you this morning with the

620
00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:59,360
Speaker 2: hair mask and the water being turned off and all

621
00:33:59,400 --> 00:34:03,360
Speaker 2: of this stuff. In a situation like that, and I'm

622
00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:08,560
Speaker 2: a very pragmatic person, if you allow the things in

623
00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:11,759
Speaker 2: life that you can't control. You can't control the fact

624
00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:13,560
Speaker 2: that you didn't get the text because.

625
00:34:13,360 --> 00:34:15,200
Speaker 1: You didn't get the text. You can't control that the

626
00:34:15,239 --> 00:34:16,560
Speaker 1: water was getting turned off.

627
00:34:16,440 --> 00:34:19,040
Speaker 2: Because you can't control the fact that the hairs that

628
00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:21,400
Speaker 2: the hair masks are because it's already in your hair.

629
00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:23,399
Speaker 1: So let them, let them, let them.

630
00:34:24,239 --> 00:34:31,080
Speaker 2: And if you then go into a really negative attitude

631
00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:33,640
Speaker 2: and you let yourself get all worried and stressed out

632
00:34:33,759 --> 00:34:35,840
Speaker 2: or worse, you start going, why am I a stupid

633
00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:38,239
Speaker 2: idiot who always does these kinds of things? And now

634
00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:40,120
Speaker 2: I'm going to go to this interview and it's going

635
00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:43,080
Speaker 2: to be terrible because of this happen, and you do

636
00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:48,400
Speaker 2: that to yourself, which we do to ourselves in these moments.

637
00:34:48,799 --> 00:34:50,759
Speaker 1: What happens is.

638
00:34:50,960 --> 00:34:56,200
Speaker 2: You trigger your own brain to go from present and

639
00:34:56,239 --> 00:35:00,960
Speaker 2: fully capable of handling the situation to a stress response,

640
00:35:01,040 --> 00:35:03,320
Speaker 2: and you're a migdala in the back of your brain

641
00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:09,160
Speaker 2: turns on. You go into fight or flight and stress

642
00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:13,520
Speaker 2: out mode. And the research is very clear when you're

643
00:35:13,560 --> 00:35:17,520
Speaker 2: amygdala is turned on because you're now negative and criticizing

644
00:35:17,560 --> 00:35:20,999
Speaker 2: yourself and doomsday and all that stuff that you've done

645
00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:24,960
Speaker 2: your whole life to yourself, you actually can't think clearly

646
00:35:25,080 --> 00:35:29,960
Speaker 2: because the prefrontal cortex isn't working at its full capacity.

647
00:35:30,799 --> 00:35:35,680
Speaker 1: So your habit of just going.

648
00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:39,759
Speaker 2: Into a bad mood and a bad attitude, which then

649
00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:46,040
Speaker 2: makes you stressed out, actually makes everything worse because you

650
00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:53,839
Speaker 2: can't bring your thinking and your problem solving online to

651
00:35:53,840 --> 00:35:57,480
Speaker 2: help you. That's what happens. And when I started to realize,

652
00:35:57,480 --> 00:36:02,000
Speaker 2: wait a minute, I have forever defaulted to doubting myself.

653
00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:05,200
Speaker 2: I have forever defaulted to worrying or second and guesting

654
00:36:05,400 --> 00:36:09,160
Speaker 2: or questioning or like wondering, you know, if other people

655
00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:12,560
Speaker 2: are going to approve I've forever trained myself to do this,

656
00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:17,319
Speaker 2: why not train yourself to do the opposite. Why not

657
00:36:18,239 --> 00:36:20,840
Speaker 2: train yourself to be in a good mood just because

658
00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:22,879
Speaker 2: you know that it's going to help you in those

659
00:36:22,880 --> 00:36:26,279
Speaker 2: situations when life goes sideways and there's plenty of things

660
00:36:26,279 --> 00:36:27,719
Speaker 2: to be in a bad mood about. But does the

661
00:36:27,719 --> 00:36:30,240
Speaker 2: bad mood help you? That's the question.

662
00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:33,799
Speaker 3: You know, you tell an interesting story and let them

663
00:36:34,239 --> 00:36:37,640
Speaker 3: and the power of that book and that theory is

664
00:36:37,719 --> 00:36:42,880
Speaker 3: so great that even when I was doing a really

665
00:36:42,880 --> 00:36:46,319
Speaker 3: deep dive on you and the book in preparation for

666
00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:52,319
Speaker 3: our interview, it helped me. I wasn't looking for it,

667
00:36:52,360 --> 00:36:55,200
Speaker 3: wasn't looking for help, just that there were I realized

668
00:36:55,200 --> 00:36:59,520
Speaker 3: that there were instances in my life it work related

669
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:03,400
Speaker 3: things where you know, sometimes you feel excluded from things

670
00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:06,520
Speaker 3: and their friends and they're working with other people or whatever,

671
00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:12,359
Speaker 3: and I went, oh, my goodness, let them right. This

672
00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:17,160
Speaker 3: is how powerful. It is. Very powerful. When I was

673
00:37:18,560 --> 00:37:23,359
Speaker 3: reading about you with the greater purpose not being myself,

674
00:37:24,080 --> 00:37:29,080
Speaker 3: I still reap the benefit from it. Extraordinary. But you

675
00:37:29,160 --> 00:37:32,279
Speaker 3: tell a story in the book and when you go

676
00:37:32,400 --> 00:37:35,680
Speaker 3: to your friend's place and she's got this renovated house.

677
00:37:36,840 --> 00:37:41,640
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, and you feel.

678
00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:44,200
Speaker 1: Jealous, yeah jealous.

679
00:37:44,279 --> 00:37:49,520
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I literally like I literally wanted to die. Like,

680
00:37:49,600 --> 00:37:52,359
Speaker 2: have you ever had a friend who all of a

681
00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:55,000
Speaker 2: sudden they moved to like the fancy of your town,

682
00:37:55,480 --> 00:37:57,719
Speaker 2: or they moved from renting an apartment to this like

683
00:37:57,960 --> 00:38:00,439
Speaker 2: brownstone that they buy And then they invite you over

684
00:38:00,480 --> 00:38:05,080
Speaker 2: for dinner, and as you're driving up the long driveway, thinking.

685
00:38:04,920 --> 00:38:06,440
Speaker 1: How the hell do they have this much money?

686
00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:09,080
Speaker 2: And then they open up the door, and you're happy

687
00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:11,440
Speaker 2: for your friend, because your friend works hard and your

688
00:38:11,440 --> 00:38:13,680
Speaker 2: friend deserves to me happy, but you're just not happy

689
00:38:13,719 --> 00:38:17,719
Speaker 2: for yourself because as you're gripping the wine glass and

690
00:38:17,759 --> 00:38:22,040
Speaker 2: you're grinning your teeth trying to smile Thatt like freak smile,

691
00:38:22,640 --> 00:38:27,480
Speaker 2: and every single corner of their house looks like a

692
00:38:27,600 --> 00:38:31,759
Speaker 2: display on Pinterest. And then you turn the corner and

693
00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:35,120
Speaker 2: there is your dream kitchen.

694
00:38:35,200 --> 00:38:37,799
Speaker 1: And she's got a white can that's and the.

695
00:38:37,799 --> 00:38:41,359
Speaker 2: Marble countertops, and you're like, you, bitch, I shouldn't have

696
00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:43,160
Speaker 2: shown you my Pinterest boards.

697
00:38:43,600 --> 00:38:48,440
Speaker 1: You stole my kitchen, right, and then you and you literally, you.

698
00:38:48,440 --> 00:38:50,720
Speaker 2: Know, if you're anything like me, at the time, because

699
00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:53,760
Speaker 2: this happened to me, this particular story, when we're still

700
00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:59,279
Speaker 2: really struggling financially, you hold it together and then when

701
00:38:59,279 --> 00:39:03,160
Speaker 2: you get in the car and you go to drive away,

702
00:39:03,279 --> 00:39:07,200
Speaker 2: you turn to your poor partner and you're like, why

703
00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:11,000
Speaker 2: couldn't you have been in finance? Why did you have

704
00:39:11,120 --> 00:39:14,879
Speaker 2: to be a nice person? Why couldn't you make money.

705
00:39:14,799 --> 00:39:17,760
Speaker 1: Like you just like aim it at them? Oh my god,

706
00:39:17,799 --> 00:39:19,399
Speaker 1: it was so bad, you know.

707
00:39:19,520 --> 00:39:25,920
Speaker 2: I believed that success and happiness and friendship and kitchens

708
00:39:25,960 --> 00:39:30,040
Speaker 2: with white countertops were in limited supply. I believed and

709
00:39:30,080 --> 00:39:32,759
Speaker 2: went through life that if Kate has a podcast, I

710
00:39:32,799 --> 00:39:36,800
Speaker 2: can't have one, that if you go on a vacation

711
00:39:37,680 --> 00:39:41,799
Speaker 2: to them all these I can't that if you wear

712
00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:46,680
Speaker 2: embroidered like that, somehow your success or your happiness is

713
00:39:46,799 --> 00:39:51,080
Speaker 2: robbing me of mine that there was And it's such bullshit.

714
00:39:52,040 --> 00:39:58,279
Speaker 2: These things are in limitless supply if you're willing to

715
00:39:59,200 --> 00:40:01,520
Speaker 2: wake up every day and do the.

716
00:40:01,719 --> 00:40:04,760
Speaker 1: Boring, annoying, ruling.

717
00:40:04,680 --> 00:40:08,160
Speaker 2: Work that it takes to create these things in your life.

718
00:40:09,200 --> 00:40:12,120
Speaker 2: And it doesn't happen overnight, Like you're not going to

719
00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:14,200
Speaker 2: get the kitchen in the next five years, but you

720
00:40:14,320 --> 00:40:18,040
Speaker 2: might get it in the next fifteen. But here's the

721
00:40:18,120 --> 00:40:20,560
Speaker 2: mistake I was making. I actually thought I was competing

722
00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:25,800
Speaker 2: against other people. Nobody is like against you. I really

723
00:40:25,880 --> 00:40:28,719
Speaker 2: mean this, I really want. I want you to just

724
00:40:29,480 --> 00:40:36,080
Speaker 2: understand something that other people don't block your way. Other

725
00:40:36,120 --> 00:40:40,480
Speaker 2: people lead the way. They show you what's possible. And

726
00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:45,319
Speaker 2: when you get that jealous I didn't understand jealousy. Jealousy

727
00:40:45,440 --> 00:40:49,839
Speaker 2: is so interesting to unpack because you only get jealous

728
00:40:50,520 --> 00:40:54,920
Speaker 2: of things you authentically want. It is impossible to be

729
00:40:55,080 --> 00:40:58,319
Speaker 2: jealous of something you don't want. I'm not jealous of

730
00:40:58,440 --> 00:41:02,160
Speaker 2: anybody who drives a yellow Lamborghini. I don't want one.

731
00:41:02,920 --> 00:41:06,200
Speaker 2: But I might be jealous of a friend who has

732
00:41:06,480 --> 00:41:08,959
Speaker 2: all of their kids, who you know, my kids are

733
00:41:09,080 --> 00:41:12,680
Speaker 2: now adults who live near them, because I want that.

734
00:41:14,000 --> 00:41:18,280
Speaker 2: Jealousy comes from a very deep and authentic place, because

735
00:41:18,400 --> 00:41:23,680
Speaker 2: it is a desire of yours that is somehow blocked.

736
00:41:24,719 --> 00:41:27,840
Speaker 2: And it's either blocked because you've told yourself you can't

737
00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:33,640
Speaker 2: have that, or it's never going to happen, or you've

738
00:41:33,640 --> 00:41:37,719
Speaker 2: told yourself I can't do that, or things like that

739
00:41:37,799 --> 00:41:42,600
Speaker 2: don't happen to people like me, and jealousy rises up

740
00:41:42,680 --> 00:41:48,719
Speaker 2: because you actually aren't doing anything to walk toward it.

741
00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:54,040
Speaker 3: But now you realize that you must have friends who

742
00:41:54,080 --> 00:41:54,759
Speaker 3: are jealous of you.

743
00:41:56,239 --> 00:42:00,840
Speaker 2: Oh sure, let them. I'm not stopping them from doing anything.

744
00:42:02,320 --> 00:42:05,319
Speaker 2: And now what I realize is how sad that I

745
00:42:05,360 --> 00:42:07,920
Speaker 2: went through my life for the first fifty four years

746
00:42:08,080 --> 00:42:12,520
Speaker 2: jealous of people that actually could have, for those fifty

747
00:42:12,520 --> 00:42:16,480
Speaker 2: four years been a source of inspiration, a source of information,

748
00:42:17,239 --> 00:42:18,320
Speaker 2: a source of support.

749
00:42:19,600 --> 00:42:22,120
Speaker 1: Like, no, my friend was never against me.

750
00:42:22,640 --> 00:42:25,040
Speaker 2: I could have leaned in and been like, oh my gosh,

751
00:42:25,080 --> 00:42:27,839
Speaker 2: Like how do I go from where I am to

752
00:42:27,880 --> 00:42:28,520
Speaker 2: where you are?

753
00:42:29,320 --> 00:42:29,440
Speaker 4: Like?

754
00:42:29,680 --> 00:42:32,399
Speaker 2: What if I just painted my cabinets white? Now it's

755
00:42:32,400 --> 00:42:34,520
Speaker 2: not going to be my dream kitchen, but I'm now

756
00:42:34,640 --> 00:42:37,160
Speaker 2: signaling to my own brain that it's something that I

757
00:42:37,200 --> 00:42:39,560
Speaker 2: want that I don't have to wait for. Sure, it

758
00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:41,840
Speaker 2: kind of sucks that I can't afford to hire somebody,

759
00:42:41,880 --> 00:42:44,840
Speaker 2: but I can make it a date night and paint

760
00:42:44,840 --> 00:42:48,080
Speaker 2: the cabs as myself with my husband, Like why do

761
00:42:48,160 --> 00:42:50,960
Speaker 2: I have to let somebody else's wins be my loss?

762
00:42:51,759 --> 00:42:54,839
Speaker 2: You need to see these things as signals of what

763
00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:58,960
Speaker 2: your own heart is calling you toward, and it's like

764
00:42:59,000 --> 00:42:59,680
Speaker 2: a wake up call.

765
00:42:59,799 --> 00:43:00,840
Speaker 1: Get to fucking work.

766
00:43:01,320 --> 00:43:03,960
Speaker 2: Like, stop telling yourself you can't have this stuff. Stop

767
00:43:04,000 --> 00:43:08,320
Speaker 2: coming up with excuses, because there are a million ways

768
00:43:08,360 --> 00:43:09,279
Speaker 2: to figure out.

769
00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:10,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, if you have a friend.

770
00:43:10,799 --> 00:43:14,560
Speaker 2: That's in fantastic sheep because she's got serious about her

771
00:43:14,560 --> 00:43:17,080
Speaker 2: hormones and she's been lifting weight and now you know

772
00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:20,279
Speaker 2: sheoks better than she did in her forties. If you're

773
00:43:20,360 --> 00:43:24,560
Speaker 2: jealous of it, okay, great, get going. Ask her what

774
00:43:24,600 --> 00:43:27,719
Speaker 2: she did, Ask for what supplements she takes, Ask her

775
00:43:27,719 --> 00:43:32,640
Speaker 2: what her exercise routine. Let her lead the way instead

776
00:43:32,640 --> 00:43:35,600
Speaker 2: of telling yourself a lie that somehow Okay.

777
00:43:35,320 --> 00:43:36,839
Speaker 1: Well she's done it. No, I can't do it because

778
00:43:36,880 --> 00:43:40,120
Speaker 1: it'll be copying her. No, that's ridiculous.

779
00:43:43,160 --> 00:43:47,160
Speaker 3: After the break, Mel Robbins explains how to let Them

780
00:43:47,279 --> 00:43:53,080
Speaker 3: theory became a global movement and later makes a huge

781
00:43:53,239 --> 00:43:57,479
Speaker 3: announcement that you are not going to want to miss.

782
00:44:01,200 --> 00:44:07,239
Speaker 3: When your daughter Kendall gave you the let them basically

783
00:44:07,279 --> 00:44:10,200
Speaker 3: the mantra the night that you were trying to control things,

784
00:44:10,759 --> 00:44:13,960
Speaker 3: a story that you've told about your your son Oakley's

785
00:44:14,840 --> 00:44:18,839
Speaker 3: prom night when you were trying to control and she

786
00:44:18,960 --> 00:44:21,400
Speaker 3: just kept saying, let them, let them, let them go

787
00:44:21,400 --> 00:44:23,160
Speaker 3: to the taco stand, let them go in the rain,

788
00:44:23,239 --> 00:44:26,040
Speaker 3: let them just do what they want. What was the

789
00:44:26,160 --> 00:44:30,320
Speaker 3: moment when you realized, oh, my goodness, this is something

790
00:44:30,400 --> 00:44:31,200
Speaker 3: to live by.

791
00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:34,120
Speaker 2: It did not like that night was when my shoulders

792
00:44:34,200 --> 00:44:36,319
Speaker 2: dropped and I'm like, why do I care so much?

793
00:44:36,360 --> 00:44:38,279
Speaker 2: Like I was being your typical controlling mom, and let

794
00:44:38,279 --> 00:44:40,919
Speaker 2: me be honest about something, kid. I've been trying to

795
00:44:41,080 --> 00:44:43,920
Speaker 2: be more stoic my entire life. I'm married to a Buddhist.

796
00:44:43,920 --> 00:44:46,640
Speaker 2: It's super annoying when you're like crazy controlling and you

797
00:44:46,719 --> 00:44:48,480
Speaker 2: grip the wheel of life and Chris is just.

798
00:44:48,520 --> 00:44:51,759
Speaker 3: Like, let them, let them. Buddhists say let them.

799
00:44:52,000 --> 00:44:55,279
Speaker 2: Well, that's why this theory has exploded. It's not a

800
00:44:55,320 --> 00:45:00,600
Speaker 2: new idea. It is a modern version. I created the theory,

801
00:45:00,759 --> 00:45:03,480
Speaker 2: I made the case for it. But the reason why

802
00:45:03,560 --> 00:45:06,200
Speaker 2: it's exploded is I'm reminding you of what you've known

803
00:45:06,279 --> 00:45:08,520
Speaker 2: to be true since the beginning of time. Now, let

804
00:45:08,520 --> 00:45:11,680
Speaker 2: them theory is how you bestow it. The let them

805
00:45:11,759 --> 00:45:14,439
Speaker 2: theory is how you apply the serenity prayer when life

806
00:45:14,480 --> 00:45:17,440
Speaker 2: is pissing you off. The let them theory is radical

807
00:45:17,480 --> 00:45:20,920
Speaker 2: acceptance because when you say let them, you're not allowing

808
00:45:20,960 --> 00:45:25,200
Speaker 2: anybody to do anything. You're recognizing who they are and

809
00:45:25,200 --> 00:45:29,359
Speaker 2: what they're doing when you say let them. You're practicing

810
00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:33,719
Speaker 2: CBT therapy and detachment therapy. See, it's a tool that

811
00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:35,920
Speaker 2: allows you to access these.

812
00:45:35,960 --> 00:45:37,560
Speaker 1: Deep, deep, deep things.

813
00:45:37,880 --> 00:45:40,520
Speaker 2: The second part of the theory let me Hell. My

814
00:45:40,680 --> 00:45:42,960
Speaker 2: mother has a version of this is a needle pointed

815
00:45:42,960 --> 00:45:45,120
Speaker 2: pillow that says, pull up your big girl panties and

816
00:45:45,160 --> 00:45:45,640
Speaker 2: deal with it.

817
00:45:45,680 --> 00:45:48,239
Speaker 1: That's let me. That's what that is.

818
00:45:48,520 --> 00:45:51,680
Speaker 2: And so people read this book and they're nodding along

819
00:45:51,759 --> 00:45:56,000
Speaker 2: because we all have a sense that we've always known

820
00:45:56,040 --> 00:45:58,000
Speaker 2: that this is true. We just never knew how to

821
00:45:58,040 --> 00:46:01,879
Speaker 2: take these intellectual and therapeutic concepts and apply them in

822
00:46:01,920 --> 00:46:06,400
Speaker 2: a moment where you're hurt, or you're strut or you're scared,

823
00:46:07,200 --> 00:46:10,960
Speaker 2: or you're upset about something. And so you know, for me,

824
00:46:11,360 --> 00:46:15,719
Speaker 2: I have been posting about these topics for years. But

825
00:46:15,799 --> 00:46:18,640
Speaker 2: the truth is, when life would get overwhelming, I would

826
00:46:18,640 --> 00:46:21,840
Speaker 2: be just like everybody else, I'd be completely like freaked

827
00:46:21,880 --> 00:46:25,120
Speaker 2: out and unable to access stoicism, and so I'd just

828
00:46:25,279 --> 00:46:29,520
Speaker 2: like spiral. But as she said that, it stopped me

829
00:46:29,600 --> 00:46:32,360
Speaker 2: for my spiral, and then I just started to anytime

830
00:46:32,400 --> 00:46:35,440
Speaker 2: I was stressed out or annoyed or bothered. I would

831
00:46:35,640 --> 00:46:39,640
Speaker 2: literally just say, let them, whether I was standing in

832
00:46:39,680 --> 00:46:43,120
Speaker 2: a long line or somebody's walking slow in front of me.

833
00:46:43,160 --> 00:46:46,080
Speaker 2: And here's what I noticed. People are fucking annoying, and

834
00:46:46,360 --> 00:46:49,480
Speaker 2: they stress you out, and they hurt your feelings, and

835
00:46:50,080 --> 00:46:52,600
Speaker 2: most of the things that make you stressed have to

836
00:46:52,640 --> 00:46:55,839
Speaker 2: do with other people. And I started to recognize there's

837
00:46:55,880 --> 00:46:57,759
Speaker 2: a totally different way for me to live my life.

838
00:46:57,759 --> 00:47:00,200
Speaker 2: Why am I giving so much time and energy to

839
00:47:00,239 --> 00:47:02,360
Speaker 2: other people? Why am I giving time and energy to

840
00:47:02,440 --> 00:47:04,359
Speaker 2: things I can't control? Why am I trying to change

841
00:47:04,400 --> 00:47:07,560
Speaker 2: your every Why is it my job to make everybody happy?

842
00:47:07,680 --> 00:47:10,680
Speaker 2: Let them be miserable, let them try to make me

843
00:47:10,680 --> 00:47:14,440
Speaker 2: feel guilty, let them. And here's the thing, though, I

844
00:47:14,440 --> 00:47:16,399
Speaker 2: want to tell you, Kate, is that it was just

845
00:47:16,440 --> 00:47:18,759
Speaker 2: to let them. Theory, it was just let them, let them,

846
00:47:18,799 --> 00:47:20,160
Speaker 2: let them, let them, let them, let them. For the

847
00:47:20,200 --> 00:47:22,080
Speaker 2: first six months, it was let them, let them, let them.

848
00:47:22,600 --> 00:47:25,120
Speaker 2: And I started writing this book and I finished the

849
00:47:25,160 --> 00:47:29,160
Speaker 2: first draft, and I'm like, something's wrong because the book

850
00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:31,080
Speaker 2: was let them, let them, let them, let them, let them,

851
00:47:31,160 --> 00:47:31,440
Speaker 2: let them.

852
00:47:31,520 --> 00:47:33,320
Speaker 1: What the them? Let them? Let them?

853
00:47:33,640 --> 00:47:38,720
Speaker 2: And my daughter came home and from a big solo

854
00:47:38,799 --> 00:47:41,560
Speaker 2: backpacking trip. She was actually in Australia, New Zealand and

855
00:47:41,640 --> 00:47:45,400
Speaker 2: all over Asia, and she needed money because she was broke.

856
00:47:45,560 --> 00:47:50,359
Speaker 2: And I was like, you are a walking human Excel spreadsheet.

857
00:47:50,400 --> 00:47:52,799
Speaker 2: So I'm going to give you a research assignment. I've

858
00:47:52,880 --> 00:47:55,400
Speaker 2: just finished this draft of this book. Something's missing. I

859
00:47:55,440 --> 00:47:59,160
Speaker 2: want you to go back into all the inbox and

860
00:47:59,279 --> 00:48:02,160
Speaker 2: look at the comments on the podcast episode I did

861
00:48:02,160 --> 00:48:04,400
Speaker 2: about this, and look at the comments on the you

862
00:48:04,560 --> 00:48:06,759
Speaker 2: tube episode I've done about this. Nobody knew I was

863
00:48:06,960 --> 00:48:10,120
Speaker 2: writing a book yet I had just done the podcast episode,

864
00:48:10,239 --> 00:48:11,640
Speaker 2: and I'm like, I want you to look for what's

865
00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:14,399
Speaker 2: not working. I want you to look for how are

866
00:48:14,440 --> 00:48:17,560
Speaker 2: people using it, what are they saying about it? What

867
00:48:17,640 --> 00:48:20,440
Speaker 2: are they saying in terms of I started using it,

868
00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:22,879
Speaker 2: but now it's not working, and come back to me.

869
00:48:23,000 --> 00:48:25,399
Speaker 2: I thought it would take her four weeks. She came

870
00:48:25,440 --> 00:48:27,680
Speaker 2: back within thirty six hours. She had a twenty seven

871
00:48:27,719 --> 00:48:31,999
Speaker 2: page Excel spreadsheet, columned, tabbed source links, and she had

872
00:48:32,000 --> 00:48:34,160
Speaker 2: this synopsis at the top and she's like, can't write

873
00:48:34,200 --> 00:48:36,399
Speaker 2: the book. Like, what do you mean you can't write

874
00:48:36,400 --> 00:48:38,360
Speaker 2: the book. I'm writing the book. She's like, Mom, you

875
00:48:38,360 --> 00:48:39,959
Speaker 2: can't write the book. I said, why can't I write

876
00:48:40,040 --> 00:48:43,000
Speaker 2: the book? She said, people are using let them, and

877
00:48:43,000 --> 00:48:47,360
Speaker 2: they're lonely because when you say let them, you realize,

878
00:48:47,400 --> 00:48:49,520
Speaker 2: wait a minute, I'm the only sibling in my family

879
00:48:49,520 --> 00:48:52,680
Speaker 2: that reaches out, and when I stop reaching out, nobody does.

880
00:48:53,640 --> 00:48:54,439
Speaker 1: And wait a minute.

881
00:48:55,160 --> 00:48:58,520
Speaker 2: My friends are jerks because I invite them everywhere, but

882
00:48:59,239 --> 00:49:00,480
Speaker 2: they often make plans without me.

883
00:49:01,160 --> 00:49:02,279
Speaker 1: I'm so to just let them.

884
00:49:02,719 --> 00:49:05,359
Speaker 2: Wait a minute, this person that I've been dating for

885
00:49:05,400 --> 00:49:09,839
Speaker 2: a year actually treats me like crap, Like I'm basically

886
00:49:10,640 --> 00:49:12,799
Speaker 2: thinking I'm going to marry somebody who won't put a

887
00:49:12,880 --> 00:49:14,440
Speaker 2: label on this relationship.

888
00:49:14,719 --> 00:49:15,879
Speaker 1: I'm so to just let them.

889
00:49:16,960 --> 00:49:19,399
Speaker 2: And she said, there has to be a second part, mom,

890
00:49:19,880 --> 00:49:25,799
Speaker 2: because once you recognize the truth in your relationships and

891
00:49:26,080 --> 00:49:31,080
Speaker 2: the truth that your boss doesn't recognize your contributions, you

892
00:49:31,120 --> 00:49:34,520
Speaker 2: don't want to sit in feeling disempowered and lonely. There

893
00:49:34,520 --> 00:49:36,239
Speaker 2: has to be a second part. And I was like,

894
00:49:36,320 --> 00:49:37,040
Speaker 2: what's the second part?

895
00:49:37,120 --> 00:49:37,759
Speaker 1: She's like, let me.

896
00:49:38,520 --> 00:49:41,000
Speaker 2: And so the second part of the theory, which is

897
00:49:41,000 --> 00:49:44,000
Speaker 2: how you take your power back and you recognize it.

898
00:49:44,040 --> 00:49:46,479
Speaker 2: In life, there's only three things you control, what you think,

899
00:49:46,520 --> 00:49:48,920
Speaker 2: what you do or don't do, and how you process

900
00:49:49,000 --> 00:49:51,960
Speaker 2: the very real emotions that rise and fall every day.

901
00:49:53,239 --> 00:49:56,600
Speaker 2: And it was because of her and her research that

902
00:49:56,799 --> 00:50:00,640
Speaker 2: the theory became fully developed. And then we spent the

903
00:50:00,680 --> 00:50:03,400
Speaker 2: next nine months writing the book.

904
00:50:03,880 --> 00:50:08,600
Speaker 3: Mel Robin, Thank you for you, Yes, thank you for

905
00:50:08,640 --> 00:50:12,520
Speaker 3: being a friend to so many, Thank you for changing lives.

906
00:50:14,080 --> 00:50:19,319
Speaker 3: As a final glimpse into you, what would you like

907
00:50:19,480 --> 00:50:21,200
Speaker 3: to change in yourself?

908
00:50:21,840 --> 00:50:27,000
Speaker 1: Oh? What would I like to change in myself?

909
00:50:30,239 --> 00:50:34,280
Speaker 2: I think in a moment like this, where you have

910
00:50:35,360 --> 00:50:41,600
Speaker 2: this enormous thing happening, it's very very easy to want

911
00:50:41,600 --> 00:50:46,799
Speaker 2: to do more. And because I nearly lost everything that

912
00:50:46,920 --> 00:50:55,480
Speaker 2: mattered to me my family, my home, my sanity, my marriage,

913
00:50:55,680 --> 00:51:00,600
Speaker 2: I don't want to get so busy that I lose

914
00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:05,000
Speaker 2: sight of the things that are important. So it's not

915
00:51:05,120 --> 00:51:07,480
Speaker 2: that I, you know, I'm trying to change anything. I

916
00:51:07,520 --> 00:51:10,839
Speaker 2: want to make sure that I don't change, that I

917
00:51:10,880 --> 00:51:13,479
Speaker 2: stay laser focused on showing up.

918
00:51:13,400 --> 00:51:14,920
Speaker 1: In a way that makes me very proud.

919
00:51:16,080 --> 00:51:20,960
Speaker 2: That I really protect my time and energy so that

920
00:51:21,120 --> 00:51:23,400
Speaker 2: I can continue to spend a lot of it with

921
00:51:23,480 --> 00:51:28,239
Speaker 2: my family and with my friends. That I don't ever

922
00:51:28,360 --> 00:51:32,040
Speaker 2: forget who I am at my core and get all

923
00:51:32,080 --> 00:51:35,760
Speaker 2: caught up in the bigness of this or anything else

924
00:51:35,920 --> 00:51:39,560
Speaker 2: huge that I lose sight of who I am. Yeah, like,

925
00:51:39,640 --> 00:51:43,640
Speaker 2: that's why I like this is being proud of yourself

926
00:51:44,920 --> 00:51:51,080
Speaker 2: because of how you live your life is the winning formula.

927
00:51:51,239 --> 00:51:57,359
Speaker 2: And you have full control over training your mind to

928
00:51:57,880 --> 00:52:03,879
Speaker 2: think differently. You have full control over how you wake

929
00:52:04,000 --> 00:52:07,759
Speaker 2: up in the morning, the series of actions that you

930
00:52:07,840 --> 00:52:14,480
Speaker 2: take once you do, and I really hope that you

931
00:52:14,560 --> 00:52:17,120
Speaker 2: will take the truth of what I'm sharing with you

932
00:52:17,200 --> 00:52:19,839
Speaker 2: in these simple tools, whether it's five four three two one,

933
00:52:21,120 --> 00:52:25,399
Speaker 2: or it is let them and let me, and you

934
00:52:26,040 --> 00:52:27,960
Speaker 2: try them, Like you don't have to buy the book,

935
00:52:29,440 --> 00:52:32,480
Speaker 2: try the theory. It's so simple, and see if you

936
00:52:32,480 --> 00:52:36,400
Speaker 2: feel better, See if you're less stressed. See if learning

937
00:52:36,400 --> 00:52:39,200
Speaker 2: how to accept the challenging people in your life for

938
00:52:39,279 --> 00:52:42,360
Speaker 2: who they are and who they're not. See if learning

939
00:52:42,480 --> 00:52:45,920
Speaker 2: how to do that actually brings you closer to them.

940
00:52:46,200 --> 00:52:48,600
Speaker 2: Because I'm telling you, if you really embrace this and

941
00:52:48,680 --> 00:52:51,719
Speaker 2: you try this in your life, you will recognize that

942
00:52:51,799 --> 00:52:55,439
Speaker 2: you've had You've got the tools, and you have all

943
00:52:55,520 --> 00:52:57,839
Speaker 2: this power. And when you stop giving it away and

944
00:52:57,880 --> 00:53:03,400
Speaker 2: you reclaim it and you push yourself to live your way,

945
00:53:03,440 --> 00:53:05,200
Speaker 2: in a life that makes you prey, you will be

946
00:53:05,200 --> 00:53:08,120
Speaker 2: proud of yourself no matter what people say about you.

947
00:53:08,719 --> 00:53:11,560
Speaker 3: Mel Robins, you deserve to be proud of yourself.

948
00:53:12,320 --> 00:53:14,319
Speaker 2: Well, one thing I want to tell you is that

949
00:53:14,480 --> 00:53:18,640
Speaker 2: twenty twenty six, I'm coming to Australia New Zealand. Oh

950
00:53:18,960 --> 00:53:21,480
Speaker 2: you and the only way that you're gonna And I

951
00:53:21,480 --> 00:53:23,959
Speaker 2: have not told anybody, We have not announced it yet,

952
00:53:24,000 --> 00:53:26,600
Speaker 2: but for your audience. Yeah, if you're not on my

953
00:53:26,680 --> 00:53:30,000
Speaker 2: newsletter list at Melrobins dot com, you better get on

954
00:53:30,080 --> 00:53:32,080
Speaker 2: it because that's who's going to hear about this first.

955
00:53:32,640 --> 00:53:35,720
Speaker 2: And I cannot wait to be in person.

956
00:53:36,239 --> 00:53:40,319
Speaker 3: Okay, the Mama Maya audience will love this. Will you

957
00:53:40,360 --> 00:53:41,120
Speaker 3: bring the family?

958
00:53:41,799 --> 00:53:45,480
Speaker 2: Yes, I am honored to be able to share that

959
00:53:46,680 --> 00:53:48,519
Speaker 2: with you for the first time.

960
00:53:49,360 --> 00:53:54,839
Speaker 3: Bring them all, Bring all the Robinsons. We want all

961
00:53:54,880 --> 00:53:59,480
Speaker 3: of you. Wow, that's quite an announcement. Mel Robins is

962
00:53:59,560 --> 00:54:03,279
Speaker 3: heading our way in twenty twenty six, and we got

963
00:54:03,279 --> 00:54:09,160
Speaker 3: the exclusive here on No Filter. What really stands out

964
00:54:09,200 --> 00:54:13,400
Speaker 3: for me is how Mel has turned her personal journey

965
00:54:13,480 --> 00:54:16,920
Speaker 3: and to let them theory, into not just a movement,

966
00:54:17,880 --> 00:54:21,839
Speaker 3: but a global empire. It's pretty mind blowing to see

967
00:54:21,880 --> 00:54:25,560
Speaker 3: how she's taken her message and made it into a

968
00:54:25,640 --> 00:54:32,080
Speaker 3: business that has touched millions, myself included. The executive producer

969
00:54:32,080 --> 00:54:35,800
Speaker 3: of No Filter is Naima Brown. Senior producer is Bree Player,

970
00:54:35,960 --> 00:54:39,560
Speaker 3: with audio production by Jacob Brown and video production by

971
00:54:39,640 --> 00:54:43,400
Speaker 3: Josh Green. And I am your host Kate Lane Brook.

972
00:54:43,960 --> 00:54:45,200
Speaker 3: I will see you next week.

973
00:54:47,840 --> 00:54:51,520
Speaker 5: Hello, this is Naima Brown, the executive producer of No Filter,

974
00:54:51,759 --> 00:54:53,959
Speaker 5: and today we're bringing you a taste of a new

975
00:54:54,040 --> 00:54:58,120
Speaker 5: podcast we've just released, cald I Never Told You This.

976
00:54:59,000 --> 00:55:02,480
Speaker 5: It's about connection, about brave conversations and how to have

977
00:55:02,560 --> 00:55:06,080
Speaker 5: more honest relationships. If you want to continue to listen

978
00:55:06,120 --> 00:55:08,439
Speaker 5: to this series, it will be dropping over in our

979
00:55:08,640 --> 00:55:11,839
Speaker 5: But Are You Happy? Podcast will pop links to but

980
00:55:12,000 --> 00:55:14,600
Speaker 5: Are You Happy in the show notes Happy Listening.

981
00:55:15,440 --> 00:55:18,120
Speaker 6: I'm a Shiny Dante host of But Are You Happy?

982
00:55:18,600 --> 00:55:21,160
Speaker 6: Did you know that one in five Australians experience and

983
00:55:21,239 --> 00:55:25,160
Speaker 6: mental health condition each year? Yet too many suffer in silence.

984
00:55:25,759 --> 00:55:28,400
Speaker 6: Talking about our feelings and experiences is one of the

985
00:55:28,400 --> 00:55:32,120
Speaker 6: most powerful steps towards healing and knowing we're not alone.

986
00:55:32,440 --> 00:55:35,400
Speaker 6: That's why we're introducing I Never Told You This, a

987
00:55:35,520 --> 00:55:39,959
Speaker 6: series created to spark honest, meaningful conversations that support better

988
00:55:40,080 --> 00:55:42,640
Speaker 6: mental well being, brought to you by Medibank.

989
00:55:44,560 --> 00:55:48,000
Speaker 4: I'm just actually feeling really freaking angry right now. What

990
00:55:48,120 --> 00:55:49,000
Speaker 4: a wasted emotion?

991
00:55:49,200 --> 00:55:53,239
Speaker 7: Pride is two people, one big reveal. I never told

992
00:55:53,239 --> 00:55:55,719
Speaker 7: you this a simple card game where one question could

993
00:55:55,759 --> 00:55:57,560
Speaker 7: change everything. It starts live.

994
00:55:57,719 --> 00:55:58,880
Speaker 1: What's more things.

995
00:55:58,640 --> 00:56:00,920
Speaker 3: Brings my joy? I'm not going to answer that.

996
00:56:01,960 --> 00:56:04,480
Speaker 7: Then comes the moment that could shift a relationship forever.

997
00:56:04,759 --> 00:56:06,839
Speaker 7: As they finished this sentence, I.

998
00:56:06,799 --> 00:56:07,520
Speaker 4: Never told you this.

999
00:56:07,719 --> 00:56:09,640
Speaker 1: I've never told you. They never told you this.

1000
00:56:13,840 --> 00:56:16,840
Speaker 7: Today, cousins Tina and Dula will be sitting down together.

1001
00:56:17,400 --> 00:56:20,919
Speaker 8: I don't know how she's going to take what I'll

1002
00:56:20,960 --> 00:56:21,879
Speaker 8: be sharing with her.

1003
00:56:22,120 --> 00:56:24,600
Speaker 7: Yula has something big to reveal to her cousin Tina.

1004
00:56:25,600 --> 00:56:30,319
Speaker 8: Hi, Well, I've got this fun game called the Mediebank

1005
00:56:30,440 --> 00:56:32,360
Speaker 8: Family Roast Card Game.

1006
00:56:32,719 --> 00:56:33,040
Speaker 4: Why not?

1007
00:56:34,080 --> 00:56:35,440
Speaker 3: I'm up for anything.

1008
00:56:35,600 --> 00:56:39,919
Speaker 8: I'm going to pick up a card now. In what

1009
00:56:39,960 --> 00:56:41,440
Speaker 8: way do you think we're similar?

1010
00:56:41,719 --> 00:56:44,800
Speaker 4: Both can talk underwater, Both got a very quirky outlook

1011
00:56:44,799 --> 00:56:46,800
Speaker 4: on life, willing to train anything once.

1012
00:56:47,640 --> 00:56:50,759
Speaker 1: How long will we got? My John?

1013
00:56:50,920 --> 00:56:54,840
Speaker 4: Let's go tell us about an embarrassing childhood memory.

1014
00:56:54,640 --> 00:56:57,680
Speaker 8: At your house in the country. When I decided to

1015
00:56:57,960 --> 00:57:01,680
Speaker 8: lock my sister in the out what are they called

1016
00:57:01,680 --> 00:57:05,319
Speaker 8: the toilet outhouse and didn't tell anyone came inside the

1017
00:57:05,360 --> 00:57:08,480
Speaker 8: house or playing or playing and dancing to music.

1018
00:57:08,719 --> 00:57:10,719
Speaker 1: I got into so much trouble.

1019
00:57:11,040 --> 00:57:13,080
Speaker 8: It was a very bad thing to do, and I'm

1020
00:57:13,239 --> 00:57:14,279
Speaker 8: very you regret it.

1021
00:57:17,320 --> 00:57:18,760
Speaker 3: I'm not going to answer that.

1022
00:57:20,280 --> 00:57:24,720
Speaker 4: Is there a family tradition you hope continues for generations.

1023
00:57:24,200 --> 00:57:27,840
Speaker 8: In our culture? Great Easter is one of the biggest nights.

1024
00:57:27,880 --> 00:57:30,120
Speaker 8: It's quite spectacular.

1025
00:57:29,480 --> 00:57:33,080
Speaker 4: And in the middle of the night, that's something different.

1026
00:57:33,680 --> 00:57:38,720
Speaker 8: My turn to pick up a card. I never told

1027
00:57:38,720 --> 00:57:50,400
Speaker 8: you this, Okay. You know how whenever I see you,

1028
00:57:50,400 --> 00:57:54,960
Speaker 8: you are constantly asking me why I'm giving you things,

1029
00:57:55,000 --> 00:57:57,640
Speaker 8: whether it's food, useless.

1030
00:57:57,160 --> 00:57:59,720
Speaker 3: Objects, nice things.

1031
00:58:00,800 --> 00:58:05,240
Speaker 8: And we've tried, you've tried to diagnose it some sort

1032
00:58:05,360 --> 00:58:11,439
Speaker 8: correct correct, And I do know why I do it,

1033
00:58:12,000 --> 00:58:18,600
Speaker 8: and it's because the big one when I was about

1034
00:58:18,880 --> 00:58:23,160
Speaker 8: between the ages of eight and twelve, whenever you close

1035
00:58:23,320 --> 00:58:25,840
Speaker 8: the takeaway shop that you owned in the country eight

1036
00:58:25,880 --> 00:58:28,760
Speaker 8: hours six eight hours away, it was you'd come down

1037
00:58:28,880 --> 00:58:32,560
Speaker 8: for public holidays. You'd called us when you're on your way,

1038
00:58:32,640 --> 00:58:35,960
Speaker 8: and then we'd just been camped outside waiting and counting

1039
00:58:36,000 --> 00:58:38,959
Speaker 8: the cars for the whole hours, and then when you'd

1040
00:58:39,000 --> 00:58:41,480
Speaker 8: finally get there and say, oh, you know, you're so

1041
00:58:41,520 --> 00:58:52,320
Speaker 8: excited to see me, which I genuinely was. But part

1042
00:58:52,360 --> 00:58:55,040
Speaker 8: of the reason I was excited was that I knew

1043
00:58:55,200 --> 00:58:58,480
Speaker 8: your family would be bringing all the food from the shop.

1044
00:58:58,680 --> 00:59:01,360
Speaker 8: I don't know whether you knew. My mum never wanted

1045
00:59:01,400 --> 00:59:04,800
Speaker 8: me to tell you. She didn't want any of you

1046
00:59:04,880 --> 00:59:06,960
Speaker 8: to know that we didn't have money for food.

1047
00:59:10,040 --> 00:59:12,040
Speaker 6: The rest of this episode of I never told you

1048
00:59:12,080 --> 00:59:17,560
Speaker 6: this right after the break. What's something you wish you

1049
00:59:17,640 --> 00:59:20,960
Speaker 6: knew about your family? Get together and play the Medibank

1050
00:59:21,000 --> 00:59:23,960
Speaker 6: Family Roast to find out. It's the card game design

1051
00:59:24,040 --> 00:59:27,240
Speaker 6: to get families connecting and talking because when the bonds

1052
00:59:27,240 --> 00:59:30,680
Speaker 6: of family are stronger, Australia is stronger. So get around

1053
00:59:30,680 --> 00:59:34,000
Speaker 6: the dinner table, a tasty conversation is about to be served.

1054
00:59:34,600 --> 00:59:37,720
Speaker 1: Search Medibank Family Roast. Live better with Medibank.

1055
00:59:43,960 --> 00:59:47,680
Speaker 8: I remember some weeks we would eat nothing but oiled potatoes.

1056
00:59:48,680 --> 00:59:53,160
Speaker 8: We would often go days without any food. We were

1057
00:59:53,200 --> 00:59:58,280
Speaker 8: literally starving and just seeing that car and all the

1058
00:59:58,360 --> 01:00:01,400
Speaker 8: food and things that I would never be able to

1059
01:00:01,440 --> 01:00:04,320
Speaker 8: afford to buy, like chips and chocolates was just like

1060
01:00:04,840 --> 01:00:07,240
Speaker 8: our lifeline.

1061
01:00:08,920 --> 01:00:16,479
Speaker 4: Wow. I'm sorry, that's huge. I had no idea. I'm

1062
01:00:16,520 --> 01:00:20,480
Speaker 4: just actually feeling really freaking angry right now because it

1063
01:00:20,640 --> 01:00:24,520
Speaker 4: just goes to show what a wasted emotion pride is.

1064
01:00:24,720 --> 01:00:27,800
Speaker 4: You know, you're cousins. We never wanted for anything. We

1065
01:00:27,800 --> 01:00:30,800
Speaker 4: didn't have lots of everything. We had enough, and to

1066
01:00:30,840 --> 01:00:33,240
Speaker 4: think that you guys didn't have enough breaks my heart.

1067
01:00:34,440 --> 01:00:38,120
Speaker 8: And I'm sure if my family, my parents reached out,

1068
01:00:38,560 --> 01:00:41,680
Speaker 8: your parents would have absolutely helped us.

1069
01:00:42,040 --> 01:00:44,320
Speaker 4: You always look after the children. It's not anything to

1070
01:00:44,640 --> 01:00:46,240
Speaker 4: put an extra plate out, do you know what I mean?

1071
01:00:47,040 --> 01:00:49,440
Speaker 4: I know things were hard, like you know, especially for

1072
01:00:49,840 --> 01:00:52,760
Speaker 4: immigrant families, you know, with parents learning English as a

1073
01:00:52,800 --> 01:00:55,200
Speaker 4: second language, things were quited up. I remember my dad

1074
01:00:55,240 --> 01:00:57,520
Speaker 4: telling me, you know that he'd often work three or

1075
01:00:57,560 --> 01:00:59,040
Speaker 4: four jobs at a time just to try and make

1076
01:00:59,120 --> 01:01:01,000
Speaker 4: ends meet. But I just assumed that you guys were

1077
01:01:01,040 --> 01:01:01,680
Speaker 4: always okay.

1078
01:01:02,120 --> 01:01:02,320
Speaker 7: You know.

1079
01:01:02,480 --> 01:01:06,000
Speaker 8: My dad had his own issues and couldn't keep a

1080
01:01:06,080 --> 01:01:09,439
Speaker 8: job down. My mum had mental health issues. Both our

1081
01:01:09,440 --> 01:01:12,959
Speaker 8: families migrated. Your parents opened up a shop and were

1082
01:01:12,960 --> 01:01:16,360
Speaker 8: doing well. Mine was struggling to make ends meet or

1083
01:01:16,400 --> 01:01:19,320
Speaker 8: hold down any regular work. Your parents were successful and

1084
01:01:19,360 --> 01:01:20,240
Speaker 8: they were failures.

1085
01:01:20,360 --> 01:01:22,920
Speaker 4: Well, I think that's something that it's just endemic and bunks,

1086
01:01:22,960 --> 01:01:25,880
Speaker 4: not just Greeks, but lots of cultures. They waste their

1087
01:01:25,920 --> 01:01:28,680
Speaker 4: time worrying about what are the people going to think,

1088
01:01:28,720 --> 01:01:31,320
Speaker 4: when actually no one's thinking about them at all. If

1089
01:01:31,360 --> 01:01:34,040
Speaker 4: my dad had known that things were that difficult for you,

1090
01:01:34,600 --> 01:01:36,479
Speaker 4: he would have employed your parents. You know, we could

1091
01:01:36,480 --> 01:01:38,760
Speaker 4: have all lived together and worked together, because God knows

1092
01:01:38,760 --> 01:01:42,560
Speaker 4: we needed worses. You know something it didn't have to happen.

1093
01:01:44,440 --> 01:01:48,240
Speaker 8: Moving forward. It's how do we make it better for

1094
01:01:48,400 --> 01:01:52,960
Speaker 8: us and our children and how important it is to

1095
01:01:53,040 --> 01:01:56,120
Speaker 8: ask for help. It might be the norm to suffer

1096
01:01:56,160 --> 01:01:58,800
Speaker 8: in silence, so we know in our culture it's a

1097
01:01:58,840 --> 01:02:01,720
Speaker 8: pride thing. But we need to change that, and we

1098
01:02:01,880 --> 01:02:04,360
Speaker 8: change that by coming out setting an exam.

1099
01:02:05,000 --> 01:02:06,840
Speaker 4: Well, I mean remember when we were kids. You couldn't

1100
01:02:06,840 --> 01:02:09,160
Speaker 4: find any You couldn't find a translator. How many times

1101
01:02:09,200 --> 01:02:10,560
Speaker 4: did you get dragged to an office with you Mum

1102
01:02:10,600 --> 01:02:13,120
Speaker 4: and dad? I want to explain something, you know. So

1103
01:02:13,360 --> 01:02:16,840
Speaker 4: I think definitely is a social thing. We are progressing

1104
01:02:16,880 --> 01:02:19,720
Speaker 4: as a society, but as you said, it is very

1105
01:02:19,720 --> 01:02:23,640
Speaker 4: important that newcomers understand everybody needs to understand it's okay.

1106
01:02:24,360 --> 01:02:26,880
Speaker 4: You know, there's nothing wrong with asking for help, and

1107
01:02:26,920 --> 01:02:29,280
Speaker 4: all you're doing by hanging on to some ridiculous pride

1108
01:02:29,880 --> 01:02:31,240
Speaker 4: is just injuring yourself.

1109
01:02:35,120 --> 01:02:38,440
Speaker 8: I feel like this whole weight has come off and

1110
01:02:38,440 --> 01:02:42,240
Speaker 8: that I can sleep well tonight, you know, decades later.

1111
01:02:42,320 --> 01:02:44,880
Speaker 8: As soon as I see your car pulling up, it

1112
01:02:45,160 --> 01:02:48,000
Speaker 8: just takes me back to that childhood, and the instinct

1113
01:02:48,200 --> 01:02:51,160
Speaker 8: is the happiness, the happiness, the food, and I just

1114
01:02:51,200 --> 01:02:54,680
Speaker 8: feel eternally obligated to give something back, which is why

1115
01:02:54,720 --> 01:02:58,520
Speaker 8: I will not let you leave my house without things,

1116
01:02:58,600 --> 01:03:00,520
Speaker 8: whether it's olives or sweets.

1117
01:03:00,600 --> 01:03:03,320
Speaker 4: It's just you've held onto this for so many years,

1118
01:03:03,360 --> 01:03:05,200
Speaker 4: and how many hours have we waste and try to

1119
01:03:05,600 --> 01:03:07,440
Speaker 4: goag knows what kind of disorder.

1120
01:03:07,080 --> 01:03:11,439
Speaker 1: You have we called a reverse hoarding. Audi. Thank you.

1121
01:03:11,800 --> 01:03:16,720
Speaker 8: I really appreciate you coming on board today. I know

1122
01:03:16,920 --> 01:03:23,120
Speaker 8: it's been suspenseful, and I hope you are able to

1123
01:03:23,840 --> 01:03:27,160
Speaker 8: accept what happened and not take any responsibility for it

1124
01:03:27,200 --> 01:03:30,519
Speaker 8: and just appreciate what you did and what a big

1125
01:03:30,560 --> 01:03:32,840
Speaker 8: impact you had in my life, because that's what I

1126
01:03:32,880 --> 01:03:34,000
Speaker 8: want this to be about.

1127
01:03:34,360 --> 01:03:36,280
Speaker 4: I don't think there's anything I couldn't ask you for

1128
01:03:37,000 --> 01:03:40,600
Speaker 4: and I hope that you feel the same genuine time to.

1129
01:03:49,200 --> 01:03:52,080
Speaker 3: Mumma. Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and

1130
01:03:52,160 --> 01:03:54,360
Speaker 3: waters that this podcast is recorded on.