1 00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:08,520 Speaker 1: You're listening to I'mum with Mia podcast. 2 00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:10,680 Speaker 2: Welcome to the Finder Friend Hotline. 3 00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:12,320 Speaker 1: How can I help? Hi, I'd like to. 4 00:00:12,239 --> 00:00:13,880 Speaker 2: Make some new friends please perfect? 5 00:00:13,919 --> 00:00:15,520 Speaker 1: Can I have your name Maddie? And are you a 6 00:00:15,599 --> 00:00:16,919 Speaker 1: child or a teenager? Oh? 7 00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:20,800 Speaker 2: No, I'm an adult. Oh sorry, we don't serve as adults. 8 00:00:20,799 --> 00:00:23,079 Speaker 2: We've run out of friends for that age group. What Yeah, 9 00:00:23,119 --> 00:00:25,039 Speaker 2: you see people over the age of twenty kind of 10 00:00:25,079 --> 00:00:27,120 Speaker 2: have their groups sorted and they're just not looking for 11 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:27,840 Speaker 2: new friends. 12 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:35,360 Speaker 1: Oh for Mama Mia, I'm your host, Ashandi Dante. Welcome 13 00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:38,360 Speaker 1: to But Are You Happy? The podcast for people who've 14 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:41,840 Speaker 1: mastered the art of the nervous laugh and emotionally avoided 15 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:42,519 Speaker 1: eye contact. 16 00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:46,760 Speaker 2: And I'm doctor Anastaga Hernas, a clinical psychologist passionate about 17 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:50,600 Speaker 2: happiness and mental health. Have you ever wanted to try 18 00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:53,560 Speaker 2: and form new friendships as an adult but haven't been 19 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:54,800 Speaker 2: sure how to go about it? 20 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:58,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's an interesting one. Somewhere along the way, asking 21 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:01,800 Speaker 1: someone out for a coffee to be friends started to 22 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:03,920 Speaker 1: feel weirdly embarrassing. 23 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:06,839 Speaker 2: Exactly what we're going to be talking about today. How 24 00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:09,600 Speaker 2: do you actually make new friends as an adult? And 25 00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:14,360 Speaker 2: why do strong, high quality friendships really matter more than ever, let's. 26 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:19,240 Speaker 1: Get into it. So in our last season episode one, 27 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:23,720 Speaker 1: we spoke about how to end friendships without ghosting, But 28 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:25,920 Speaker 1: today we're looking at the other side of the equation, 29 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:30,000 Speaker 1: how to make new friends, particularly as an adult, because 30 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:33,640 Speaker 1: let's be honest, it can feel awkward and hard. But 31 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:37,720 Speaker 1: before we unpack that, I'm interested to know why is 32 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:40,680 Speaker 1: making adult friendships so important? Like why should we be 33 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:41,720 Speaker 1: making it a priority. 34 00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:46,120 Speaker 2: It's interesting because I think the fact that we're doing 35 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:50,040 Speaker 2: a podcast episode on this topic goes to show that 36 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:53,680 Speaker 2: there is an interest from the general public from adults 37 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:56,520 Speaker 2: as to how to make, you know, adult friendships. We're 38 00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:58,440 Speaker 2: not doing a podcast on like how to scroll on 39 00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:02,000 Speaker 2: your phone more because everyone knows how to do that, right, Yeah, 40 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:05,800 Speaker 2: exactly exactly. So I think actually what it speaks to 41 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:09,440 Speaker 2: is the fact that people don't necessarily feel like they 42 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:12,040 Speaker 2: are well connected as adults. Maybe they don't feel like 43 00:02:12,079 --> 00:02:14,400 Speaker 2: they have enough friends, maybe they don't feel like those 44 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:17,160 Speaker 2: friendships are the sort of quality they want them to be. 45 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,600 Speaker 2: And when I was doing the prep for this episode, 46 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,560 Speaker 2: the first thing that actually came to mind about adult 47 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:25,240 Speaker 2: friendships was the flip side of that, which is loneliness 48 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:27,760 Speaker 2: and the fact that we're in this loneliness epidemic. 49 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:32,880 Speaker 1: So interesting that you touch on loneliness because it actually 50 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:35,760 Speaker 1: gets me thinking a lot about how I don't know, 51 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:38,640 Speaker 1: I've been in the social impact space for over ten years, 52 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:41,960 Speaker 1: and I feel like there's a lot of mental health 53 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:44,960 Speaker 1: charities and campaigns that are out there around building awareness 54 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:49,400 Speaker 1: around loneliness. But it does get me thinking about have like, 55 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:53,280 Speaker 1: have we actually made progress because people are getting more 56 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:55,799 Speaker 1: and more lonely, Like it's a pandemic in a way. 57 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,920 Speaker 2: Yes, yes, And the data would say that we're not 58 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:02,200 Speaker 2: actually making much progress right over the last few years. 59 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:04,920 Speaker 2: I think COVID years really sort of show on a 60 00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:09,520 Speaker 2: spotlight on feeling disconnected and feeling lonely. But since COVID, 61 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:12,880 Speaker 2: you know, we're back to sort of normal social interactions. 62 00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:15,359 Speaker 2: But the data tells us that people are feeling more 63 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:18,000 Speaker 2: lonely than ever. There was a study done by the 64 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:20,960 Speaker 2: World Health Organization that said about one in six people 65 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:25,000 Speaker 2: report really high levels of loneliness. And the thing about 66 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:30,480 Speaker 2: loneliness is that it's not just an uncomfortable emotional experience, 67 00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:33,800 Speaker 2: but actually the research says that there's consequences for both 68 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:36,280 Speaker 2: our physical and our mental health. So they say that 69 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:39,920 Speaker 2: these days loneliness can be almost worse than smoking. You know, 70 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:43,040 Speaker 2: loneliness is linked to premature death. All these actual like 71 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:47,040 Speaker 2: physical health outcomes, negative outcomes, that is linked to loneliness. 72 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:50,240 Speaker 1: Wow, it's wild when you unpack it like that, because 73 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:53,040 Speaker 1: it makes sense how loneliness can impact mental health because 74 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:56,080 Speaker 1: it's such a mental, emotional, internal process. But the fact 75 00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:58,600 Speaker 1: that you're saying that it impacts our physical health, it 76 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:01,320 Speaker 1: shows that it is all connected, which I know we've 77 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:05,040 Speaker 1: touched on before in previous episodes too. It's interesting too 78 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:09,840 Speaker 1: because it gets me thinking about how loneliness. It reminds 79 00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:14,560 Speaker 1: me of this term escapism. And for anyone tuning in, 80 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:18,479 Speaker 1: I have done a bit of homework, some research on 81 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:21,920 Speaker 1: the definition of escapism and look, this is a bit 82 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:25,279 Speaker 1: of a controversial opinion, but I did ask chatchybt, my 83 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:28,520 Speaker 1: good old friend chatcibt mean Chatty. We have a good bond, 84 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,479 Speaker 1: and this is what Chatty had to say. Escapism is 85 00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:36,200 Speaker 1: the tendency or desire to avoid facing reality, responsibilities, or 86 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:41,279 Speaker 1: difficult emotions by seeking distractions or immersion in more pleasurable 87 00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:47,560 Speaker 1: or imaginative experiences. Now, it's interesting when I think about escapism, 88 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:51,320 Speaker 1: because I feel like sometimes it's okay to escape a 89 00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:53,719 Speaker 1: little bit, because I know for me, I've done this, 90 00:04:53,839 --> 00:04:57,600 Speaker 1: and definitely like my friends appeers, they've done this as 91 00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:00,520 Speaker 1: well before. Where sometimes sitting in the pain of your 92 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:03,960 Speaker 1: emotions can be a lot let alone loneliness, right, and 93 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:06,560 Speaker 1: sometimes we do need to eject ourselves out a little 94 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:09,400 Speaker 1: bit just to kind of soften the load a little bit. 95 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,000 Speaker 1: But I think where it starts to become unhealthy and 96 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:15,040 Speaker 1: more of a more of something that we should check 97 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:18,599 Speaker 1: in on ourselves is when those patterns become really ingrained 98 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:22,000 Speaker 1: and become a habit and a constant place that we 99 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:25,560 Speaker 1: go to to escape. Because, yeah, it's just important that 100 00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:27,640 Speaker 1: we look at things in moderation, right. 101 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:31,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, I completely agree with you. Avoidance or having some 102 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:34,480 Speaker 2: sort of escape is not fundamentally bad or wrong in 103 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:37,520 Speaker 2: and of itself. Lots of coping mechanisms can be really 104 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:40,800 Speaker 2: quite healthy when they're used in a useful and healthy way. 105 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,200 Speaker 2: But it's when we find that we're doing them in 106 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:46,760 Speaker 2: excess or we're doing them very automatically, that we start 107 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:49,520 Speaker 2: to question, is this maybe becoming an unhealthy way of 108 00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:50,640 Speaker 2: coping so. 109 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:52,400 Speaker 1: True and kind of links back to what you were 110 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:55,080 Speaker 1: talking about how it can impact our physical health. Like, 111 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:56,840 Speaker 1: I know when we look at more of the unhealthy 112 00:05:56,880 --> 00:06:00,560 Speaker 1: ways of escapism, there's you know, alcohol and substance abuse, 113 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:03,880 Speaker 1: and you know, we're not actually thinking about the long 114 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:08,480 Speaker 1: term impact of these temporary relief strategies, right, Like, We've 115 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:10,560 Speaker 1: only got one body in this life and we do 116 00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:11,520 Speaker 1: need attend to it. 117 00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:16,120 Speaker 2: Yes, Yes, And to build on that, I come back 118 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:20,320 Speaker 2: to something I've said before, which is emotions serve purpose 119 00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:24,320 Speaker 2: and a function. Right, So if you are feeling lonely, 120 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:27,480 Speaker 2: that's not going to be pleasant experience, and I understand 121 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:30,400 Speaker 2: people would want to sometimes avoid and escape that, but 122 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:34,080 Speaker 2: fundamentally that emotion is giving you a message, and that's 123 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:38,880 Speaker 2: a really important message. Loneliness as a construct is this 124 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:41,920 Speaker 2: notion that there is a difference between the social connections 125 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:45,160 Speaker 2: that I have and the social connections that I desire 126 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:48,000 Speaker 2: or that I long for. There is a disconnect there, 127 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,640 Speaker 2: there is a gap, and so loneliness is giving us 128 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,800 Speaker 2: the message of like, hey, Okay, I'm not where I 129 00:06:53,839 --> 00:06:55,840 Speaker 2: want to be, but let's do something about this. 130 00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:58,760 Speaker 1: I really love the way that you kind of unpacked 131 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:03,279 Speaker 1: that and it actually gets me thinking about social isolation too. 132 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:06,560 Speaker 1: Is there a difference between loneliness and social isolation. 133 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:11,760 Speaker 2: Yes, so social isolation is the more objective measure of 134 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:14,320 Speaker 2: how connected we are to other people. So, for example, 135 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:17,480 Speaker 2: if we're thinking about you know, maybe a farmer who 136 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:20,240 Speaker 2: lives in a rural property and you know there's not 137 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:24,840 Speaker 2: many people physically nearby, they're may be not very literate 138 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:26,840 Speaker 2: when it comes to using the Internet and sort of 139 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:30,240 Speaker 2: connecting with people online. We would say that objectively, this 140 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:33,760 Speaker 2: person is somewhat socially isolated. So that's sort of an 141 00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:38,600 Speaker 2: objective measure as opposed to loneliness, which is subjective. It's 142 00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:41,160 Speaker 2: really about how I feel. I might have one hundred 143 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:44,600 Speaker 2: friends in my friend group, but if I feel lonely, 144 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:47,880 Speaker 2: it means I feel that disconnect between what I have 145 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:49,320 Speaker 2: versus what I desire. 146 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,840 Speaker 1: That's so true, and it kind of stems on how 147 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:55,120 Speaker 1: we are in such a digital age where we are 148 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,960 Speaker 1: hyper connected, yet we're hearing more and more. Especially you 149 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,880 Speaker 1: know in my circles when I've worked with teenagers that 150 00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:03,600 Speaker 1: people are feeling really disconnected. 151 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:09,240 Speaker 2: Yes, it's the paradox of social media that you know 152 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,440 Speaker 2: it was designed to be a way to connect with 153 00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:15,160 Speaker 2: people online, and I think for some people it really 154 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:17,280 Speaker 2: can serve that, right. You know, when I think about 155 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:22,040 Speaker 2: people who are, you know, maybe physically socially isolated, or 156 00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:25,840 Speaker 2: maybe are in sort of social groups where they can 157 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:30,600 Speaker 2: find meaning and connection online with other similar people to themselves, 158 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:34,400 Speaker 2: that can be fabulous for building a network, right when. 159 00:08:34,439 --> 00:08:36,320 Speaker 2: I guess when we're talking about adult friendships, it's not 160 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:39,400 Speaker 2: just like the bestie, it's it's having a network of 161 00:08:39,479 --> 00:08:43,280 Speaker 2: people in my social space. So online spaces can be 162 00:08:43,319 --> 00:08:45,920 Speaker 2: great for that, but we just don't want them to 163 00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:49,360 Speaker 2: be a substitute for the in real life, in person 164 00:08:49,439 --> 00:08:50,840 Speaker 2: contact and connection that we need. 165 00:08:51,119 --> 00:08:54,559 Speaker 1: It's interesting how you talk about human face to face 166 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:58,439 Speaker 1: connection because it can sound so basic, right, like, oh, 167 00:08:58,679 --> 00:09:02,520 Speaker 1: connection leads to better health outcomes, you know. But I've 168 00:09:02,559 --> 00:09:05,439 Speaker 1: seen this time and time again in workshops teenage girls, 169 00:09:05,719 --> 00:09:10,520 Speaker 1: when we literally create circles, girls literally say I feel 170 00:09:10,559 --> 00:09:12,640 Speaker 1: so much lighter, I feel so much better, I don't 171 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:15,000 Speaker 1: feel alone in what I'm going through. And this also 172 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:17,640 Speaker 1: extends to my girlfriends. You know, we catch up for 173 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,920 Speaker 1: a coffee, we sit down, we all just check in 174 00:09:20,119 --> 00:09:21,800 Speaker 1: and at the end we're all like, oh wow, I 175 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:25,239 Speaker 1: feel so much better. It's like it is such a 176 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:27,839 Speaker 1: basic concept, but it really is profound. 177 00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:30,640 Speaker 2: And I love that you're using those anecdotes of just 178 00:09:30,719 --> 00:09:33,439 Speaker 2: how you felt and how you feel when you connect 179 00:09:33,439 --> 00:09:36,800 Speaker 2: with your friends and those social circles. But again, I'm 180 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:38,559 Speaker 2: gonna come back to the data and the research. We'll 181 00:09:38,599 --> 00:09:41,239 Speaker 2: have it it tells us a similar thing. Right, There's 182 00:09:41,559 --> 00:09:44,639 Speaker 2: the Hilda Study that's done every year, so it's a 183 00:09:44,679 --> 00:09:48,359 Speaker 2: household survey follows seventeen thousand people across Australia every year 184 00:09:48,359 --> 00:09:51,520 Speaker 2: and it actually asks about loneliness. And yes, it finds 185 00:09:51,559 --> 00:09:54,200 Speaker 2: that the more lonely that people feel, the higher rates 186 00:09:54,239 --> 00:09:57,320 Speaker 2: of psychological distress they have. But on the flip side, 187 00:09:57,839 --> 00:10:02,040 Speaker 2: the more people are feeling socially connected and physically have 188 00:10:02,199 --> 00:10:05,520 Speaker 2: people in their life, the less lone they feel. And 189 00:10:05,559 --> 00:10:07,959 Speaker 2: we know that there are positive health and mental health 190 00:10:07,959 --> 00:10:11,239 Speaker 2: outcomes attached to that. So yes, the feeling you have 191 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,639 Speaker 2: absolutely reflects what the data tells us as well. 192 00:10:13,839 --> 00:10:17,000 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so true because I think, look, it gets 193 00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:19,999 Speaker 1: me thinking about how I love to journal, like I 194 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:22,239 Speaker 1: can journal till the cows come home, but sometimes I 195 00:10:22,359 --> 00:10:25,160 Speaker 1: genuinely find when I catch up with my girlfriends. It's 196 00:10:25,199 --> 00:10:27,880 Speaker 1: really helpful to have a soundboard because I'm like, oh, 197 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:29,879 Speaker 1: you know, this has happened, and then I thought of this, 198 00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:32,239 Speaker 1: and then my girl gonna be like, hey, I think 199 00:10:32,239 --> 00:10:35,079 Speaker 1: you're actually being a bit hard on yourself or actually, yeah, no, 200 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:39,319 Speaker 1: that's true. Sometimes we can spiral into our own echo chamber, 201 00:10:39,479 --> 00:10:42,120 Speaker 1: and that's why it's really helpful having someone else to 202 00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:45,559 Speaker 1: untangle things and help to step things out a little bit, 203 00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,439 Speaker 1: you know. So it is essential. 204 00:10:47,679 --> 00:10:48,319 Speaker 2: Absolutely. 205 00:10:48,719 --> 00:10:51,600 Speaker 1: So this is probably the million dollar question that we've 206 00:10:51,599 --> 00:10:54,880 Speaker 1: all been waiting for. Why is it so hard to 207 00:10:54,959 --> 00:10:58,280 Speaker 1: make friends as an adult? Like, has COVID really screwed 208 00:10:58,359 --> 00:11:00,240 Speaker 1: us up with our ability to connect? 209 00:11:01,199 --> 00:11:03,240 Speaker 2: I think COVID has a part to play. 210 00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:03,720 Speaker 1: Yeah. 211 00:11:03,719 --> 00:11:07,079 Speaker 2: Absolutely, may be more so for younger people and kind 212 00:11:07,119 --> 00:11:10,520 Speaker 2: of teens right when they were really in those crucial 213 00:11:10,559 --> 00:11:14,639 Speaker 2: developmental phases in terms of making social connections and developing 214 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:18,240 Speaker 2: those social skills. But you know, I think back to 215 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:21,880 Speaker 2: being a kid in the playground at just like the 216 00:11:21,959 --> 00:11:24,480 Speaker 2: local park, and there's just like other kids playing there, 217 00:11:24,479 --> 00:11:25,600 Speaker 2: and you're like, hey, you want to play on the 218 00:11:25,599 --> 00:11:27,840 Speaker 2: monkey bars together? Or like you take turns going down 219 00:11:27,839 --> 00:11:29,159 Speaker 2: the slide and you don't even know this person, you 220 00:11:29,199 --> 00:11:32,319 Speaker 2: know anything about them, but suddenly your friends. Right, And 221 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:35,840 Speaker 2: just how much easier that can be for us as 222 00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:38,719 Speaker 2: kids than as adults. Right, I'm not just going to 223 00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:40,319 Speaker 2: go up to someone at a coffee shop and be like, hey, 224 00:11:40,319 --> 00:11:42,559 Speaker 2: can I sit with you and chat? Because people would 225 00:11:42,559 --> 00:11:45,119 Speaker 2: think that was weird, But as kids it's not. And 226 00:11:45,439 --> 00:11:49,160 Speaker 2: it speaks to I think the lack of inhibition that 227 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,999 Speaker 2: children have, right, they don't yet kind of have that. 228 00:11:52,319 --> 00:11:54,800 Speaker 2: And I'm talking little kids, right, like the five year olds. 229 00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:57,880 Speaker 2: They don't have that kind of social filter that's developed yet. 230 00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:01,559 Speaker 2: So there's something to be said for as adults, we 231 00:12:01,599 --> 00:12:05,920 Speaker 2: are so much more aware of ourselves and how others 232 00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:10,600 Speaker 2: might perceive us, and that concern about perception can be 233 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:13,040 Speaker 2: a real barrier to us connecting with new people. 234 00:12:13,839 --> 00:12:16,679 Speaker 1: So true, And I'm glad you touched on essentially the 235 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:20,239 Speaker 1: childlike confidence, right, because we all had it and it's 236 00:12:20,239 --> 00:12:22,679 Speaker 1: still in us. But it's true. It's like along the 237 00:12:22,679 --> 00:12:25,959 Speaker 1: way life happens, fractures happen, we start to forget who 238 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:29,160 Speaker 1: we are, and we do have all these limitations from 239 00:12:29,199 --> 00:12:32,079 Speaker 1: stopping ourselves. So I'm glad we talk about. 240 00:12:31,839 --> 00:12:34,600 Speaker 2: This, Yes, yes, and to build on that as well. 241 00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:37,280 Speaker 2: As you're saying life happens, we go through life, we 242 00:12:37,439 --> 00:12:43,400 Speaker 2: also experience breaches of trust, disappointments, people letting us down, 243 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:45,360 Speaker 2: and so one of the factors that can then be 244 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:48,600 Speaker 2: a barrier to us developing friendships as adults is sometimes 245 00:12:48,599 --> 00:12:51,439 Speaker 2: a lack of trust of other people. Again, as kids, 246 00:12:51,439 --> 00:12:53,600 Speaker 2: we don't think about can I trust this person or not. 247 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,319 Speaker 2: We're just playing on the monkey bars together. But as 248 00:12:56,359 --> 00:12:58,239 Speaker 2: an adult, so I'm thinking, you know, if I'm going 249 00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:01,040 Speaker 2: to share parts of my life, parts of myself with 250 00:13:01,119 --> 00:13:03,279 Speaker 2: this person, I want to feel like I can trust them, 251 00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,319 Speaker 2: and trust takes time to build. 252 00:13:05,239 --> 00:13:08,520 Speaker 1: And it actually gets me thinking as you're talking about 253 00:13:08,959 --> 00:13:10,439 Speaker 1: I don't know if you know the concept of the 254 00:13:10,479 --> 00:13:14,599 Speaker 1: marble jar by Brene Brown. I used to talk about 255 00:13:14,599 --> 00:13:16,319 Speaker 1: this all the time in workshops with teams when we 256 00:13:16,319 --> 00:13:20,960 Speaker 1: would specifically talk about relationships and healthy relationships and pretty 257 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,880 Speaker 1: much what Brene Brown talks about. It's like we have 258 00:13:24,719 --> 00:13:28,599 Speaker 1: a jar full of marbles and that kind of represents trust, right, 259 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:31,480 Speaker 1: And then you know your best friend would have a 260 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:34,520 Speaker 1: full jar of marbles, and then over time, you know 261 00:13:35,719 --> 00:13:38,840 Speaker 1: something's happen right, like you hear someone gossiping about you 262 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:40,559 Speaker 1: who was supposed to be your best friend. So then 263 00:13:40,599 --> 00:13:44,479 Speaker 1: what happens subconsciously, like metaphorically, you take a bunch of 264 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,480 Speaker 1: marbles out of the jar and then it's no longer full, 265 00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:49,920 Speaker 1: And it kind of just goes to this concept of 266 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:53,600 Speaker 1: how when stuff happens in a friendship, exactly what you 267 00:13:53,599 --> 00:13:56,240 Speaker 1: were talking about before, around it takes time to build 268 00:13:56,239 --> 00:13:59,119 Speaker 1: that trust up again and sometimes it could be really 269 00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:01,199 Speaker 1: hard for that jar to be full again. 270 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:05,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, which brings me maybe to the kind of question 271 00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:07,200 Speaker 2: of do we need the jar to be full as well? 272 00:14:07,479 --> 00:14:08,320 Speaker 1: Right? True? 273 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:12,719 Speaker 2: Can we have an interaction, a friendship and acquaintance with 274 00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:16,399 Speaker 2: someone where we don't have a full marble jar and 275 00:14:16,479 --> 00:14:19,800 Speaker 2: we don't kind of hold the expectation that people are 276 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,440 Speaker 2: never going to let us down, never breach our trust, 277 00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:25,600 Speaker 2: never disappoint us. I mean, I would say that that's 278 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:29,040 Speaker 2: probably a part of life that people will disappoint us 279 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:31,720 Speaker 2: in ways and maybe at times we get hurt, marbles 280 00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:34,640 Speaker 2: come out of the jar, and maybe that could be okay. 281 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:38,080 Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that's a really like adult perspective because 282 00:14:38,119 --> 00:14:44,600 Speaker 1: you're so mature here, lived and we learned, but it 283 00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:46,600 Speaker 1: is true, and it kind of does take that pressure 284 00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:49,279 Speaker 1: off and thinking that that person needs to tick all 285 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:52,440 Speaker 1: the boxes, right. Yes, yeah, that's so true. And it 286 00:14:52,479 --> 00:14:55,479 Speaker 1: also gets me thinking about how and I know we've 287 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:58,640 Speaker 1: talked about this in our episode around trauma in our 288 00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:02,359 Speaker 1: last season how you talked about wounds and how you 289 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:06,440 Speaker 1: know people can be holding wounds from previous relationships. And 290 00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:09,280 Speaker 1: I know for me, especially in like the self development space, 291 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:11,920 Speaker 1: there's a lot of things called like sisterhood wounds or 292 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:15,200 Speaker 1: brotherhood wounds or feminine masculine wounds, And I find it 293 00:15:15,239 --> 00:15:19,840 Speaker 1: really fascinating because I know for me, I've definitely had 294 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:23,600 Speaker 1: masculine wounds and learning to trust men again and that's 295 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:27,240 Speaker 1: been a whole thing. But also, yeah, it just goes 296 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:30,280 Speaker 1: to show how important it is to do that inner work, 297 00:15:30,359 --> 00:15:32,479 Speaker 1: you know, get the therapy you need, and do that 298 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:35,200 Speaker 1: in a reflection, because we can carry that into future 299 00:15:35,239 --> 00:15:39,320 Speaker 1: relationships and it can cloud our judgment absolutely. So you 300 00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,800 Speaker 1: mentioned so that's one of the first things you feel 301 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:43,640 Speaker 1: like one of the reasons why it can be so 302 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:48,200 Speaker 1: hard to make adult friendships. We can harden our hearts, right. 303 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,600 Speaker 2: We can harden our hearts and then not be open 304 00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:55,119 Speaker 2: to those future future connections. Absolutely, yeah, and so so 305 00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:58,480 Speaker 2: trust those wounds that all comes into it. But then 306 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:01,119 Speaker 2: on the other side, there's some real kind of practical 307 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,879 Speaker 2: barriers to developing those adult friendships. And one of the 308 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:07,239 Speaker 2: big ones is right like, as adults, we're busier than 309 00:16:07,359 --> 00:16:09,240 Speaker 2: when we were as the five year old's playing in 310 00:16:09,239 --> 00:16:11,800 Speaker 2: the park on the monkey bars, right, So, and the 311 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,600 Speaker 2: trust takes time to build, The connections take time to build. 312 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:16,280 Speaker 2: There was actually a bit of research done in the 313 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:21,280 Speaker 2: US where some researchers tried to quantify how long it 314 00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:24,600 Speaker 2: actually takes to build a friendship, like if you could 315 00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:27,400 Speaker 2: figure out the amount of time, right, and so what 316 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:31,000 Speaker 2: they found was that it takes roughly fifty hours of 317 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:34,760 Speaker 2: shared contact to move from the category of sort of 318 00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:39,280 Speaker 2: acquaintances to friends whoa which feels like a lot. 319 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:40,920 Speaker 1: That's a lot of hours. 320 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:44,160 Speaker 2: And I guess, you know, personality variables may differ there. 321 00:16:44,239 --> 00:16:46,880 Speaker 2: I don't feel like it would take me fifty hours, 322 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,720 Speaker 2: but I feel like I'm more of an extroverted sort 323 00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:52,760 Speaker 2: of personality. But roughly fifty hours, so that's a lot 324 00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:53,200 Speaker 2: of time. 325 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:56,640 Speaker 1: That's a lot of time. Wow. It also reminds me 326 00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:59,119 Speaker 1: of when mel Robins spoke about this in her Left 327 00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:03,080 Speaker 1: Them Theory book. She said, give it a year, give 328 00:17:03,119 --> 00:17:05,960 Speaker 1: it a whole year. If you move into state or 329 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:08,320 Speaker 1: you know, you're in a new chapter of your life, 330 00:17:08,359 --> 00:17:11,519 Speaker 1: and it does take the pressure off. You're like, oh, okay, 331 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:13,159 Speaker 1: one year. Oh you're telling me and I don't need 332 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:15,359 Speaker 1: to make new friends in a month. Like it really 333 00:17:15,399 --> 00:17:17,040 Speaker 1: does put things into perspective. 334 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:19,040 Speaker 2: Yeah, wow, one year. I like that. 335 00:17:19,399 --> 00:17:20,999 Speaker 1: So, I know we kind of touched on this a 336 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:24,880 Speaker 1: little bit with the marble jar example. Do you think 337 00:17:25,159 --> 00:17:27,119 Speaker 1: why it's so hard for us to make friends as 338 00:17:27,119 --> 00:17:29,679 Speaker 1: an adult is because we put all this pressure on 339 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,800 Speaker 1: needing this friend to tick all of these boxes. 340 00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:35,399 Speaker 2: Hmmm it could be. 341 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:36,080 Speaker 1: Yeah. 342 00:17:36,119 --> 00:17:39,120 Speaker 2: I think this is a really important place for us 343 00:17:39,119 --> 00:17:43,439 Speaker 2: to talk about different people, different friends kind of serving 344 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:47,239 Speaker 2: different roles in terms of our social network. I use 345 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:48,280 Speaker 2: the word social network. 346 00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:49,159 Speaker 1: I like it. 347 00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:53,200 Speaker 2: Because friends can mean so many different things to different people. Right, 348 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,720 Speaker 2: But if we think about it as a network, different 349 00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:58,920 Speaker 2: people sit in different spaces, right. So I might have 350 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:03,719 Speaker 2: the friends who are my very close dear friends that 351 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:05,280 Speaker 2: if they called me in the middle of the night, 352 00:18:05,359 --> 00:18:07,280 Speaker 2: I would rock up to their house and help them. 353 00:18:07,359 --> 00:18:09,040 Speaker 2: I know, I could get on the phone and cry 354 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:11,119 Speaker 2: to them about anything and they won't judge me. You know, 355 00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:15,399 Speaker 2: we have those really close, deep, meaningful connections with certain people, 356 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:17,479 Speaker 2: but not all friendships are going to be like that. 357 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:21,119 Speaker 2: We might have the work friends that we enjoy seeing 358 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,600 Speaker 2: in the workplace. We might have lunch together, we might 359 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:26,240 Speaker 2: grab a coffee, but maybe the friendship doesn't extend much 360 00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:29,439 Speaker 2: beyond that. We might have the friends that we have 361 00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:32,240 Speaker 2: shared hobbies with. You know, if you're part of a 362 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,239 Speaker 2: hiking group and you have the friends you hike with, 363 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,240 Speaker 2: but you don't really see them outside of the hikes, 364 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,840 Speaker 2: you know, there can be those sort of friends that 365 00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:42,679 Speaker 2: feel that need in us to have shared interests in things. 366 00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:46,159 Speaker 2: So different people can sit in different spaces in our lives, 367 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,800 Speaker 2: and I think it's really important for us to kind 368 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:51,560 Speaker 2: of have that map in our head of where different 369 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:56,040 Speaker 2: people might sit, because that stops us placing expectations on 370 00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:59,240 Speaker 2: them that might be unrealistic. Now, it's not to say 371 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:02,040 Speaker 2: that people can't move between those spaces. The hiking friend 372 00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:05,359 Speaker 2: could become that really close, deep and meaningful sort of friendship, 373 00:19:05,919 --> 00:19:07,920 Speaker 2: or they might just sort of stay in that category. 374 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,920 Speaker 1: And that's okay with this concept of a social network, 375 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:13,480 Speaker 1: is that kind of what you play to as well. 376 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:16,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, I definitely think about that. I've got, you know, 377 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:19,159 Speaker 2: a few very close friends that I would talk to 378 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:22,919 Speaker 2: about anything. I've got my friendship group from high school. 379 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:26,280 Speaker 2: I've got friends who are psychologists, so when we get 380 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,560 Speaker 2: together and catch up and talk, we're usually sort of 381 00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:33,000 Speaker 2: talking shop. And then I've got friends who are musicians, 382 00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:35,799 Speaker 2: and so I'll go to gigs with them, I'll hang 383 00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:37,119 Speaker 2: out with them, I'll go to their gigs. 384 00:19:37,159 --> 00:19:37,280 Speaker 1: You know. 385 00:19:37,359 --> 00:19:39,800 Speaker 2: So these these kind of different friends that sort of 386 00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:42,119 Speaker 2: fit in different spaces in my life, and I really 387 00:19:42,159 --> 00:19:45,240 Speaker 2: love that. I love being able to also bring people together, 388 00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:46,879 Speaker 2: you know, if I have a birthday and it's like, oh, 389 00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:50,159 Speaker 2: meet such and such. But I'm also okay with people 390 00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:53,360 Speaker 2: sitting in those different sort of spots in my social 391 00:19:53,399 --> 00:19:56,359 Speaker 2: network and you know, filling those those different spaces in 392 00:19:56,359 --> 00:19:57,080 Speaker 2: the way that they do. 393 00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:00,480 Speaker 1: I love that. It's getting me thinking about putting together 394 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:04,119 Speaker 1: visual diagram or what my social network is. Yeah, we'll 395 00:20:04,159 --> 00:20:09,360 Speaker 1: watch this space everyone a report back. So something I 396 00:20:09,399 --> 00:20:12,519 Speaker 1: have loved throughout our episodes is how you like to 397 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:16,280 Speaker 1: reference back to the cave man days. And I love 398 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:19,600 Speaker 1: it honestly, because there is so much wisdom and gold 399 00:20:19,679 --> 00:20:21,999 Speaker 1: we can get from the ancient ways of living, like 400 00:20:22,119 --> 00:20:25,439 Speaker 1: our previous generations, like the way other cultures do things. 401 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:29,119 Speaker 1: And it feels like as a society, back in the days, 402 00:20:29,639 --> 00:20:32,879 Speaker 1: there was more of this village mentality and tribe mentality, 403 00:20:32,879 --> 00:20:35,320 Speaker 1: which I feel like you have touched on before. But 404 00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:38,720 Speaker 1: now we've kind of gone into this more individualized culture. 405 00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:42,560 Speaker 1: So how do we actually go back to those ancient 406 00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:45,520 Speaker 1: ways of living of you know, that more communal way 407 00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:46,040 Speaker 1: of living. 408 00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:49,399 Speaker 2: Yeah. I think this is such an interesting point and 409 00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:52,400 Speaker 2: topic and something that we need to address in society. 410 00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:55,239 Speaker 2: I don't know what the solution is, but you know, 411 00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:58,320 Speaker 2: I just think about the notion of people living on 412 00:20:58,359 --> 00:21:01,520 Speaker 2: their own these days. You know, we're in apartment buildings, 413 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,759 Speaker 2: some people live alone and just in some way, is 414 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:07,800 Speaker 2: how unnatural that is when we compare back to the 415 00:21:07,879 --> 00:21:11,160 Speaker 2: village days, where you maybe didn't just live with your family, 416 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:14,000 Speaker 2: you lived with the village, with the tribe, with that community. 417 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:18,239 Speaker 2: And I think a sense of community is a really 418 00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:21,359 Speaker 2: protective factor for us for our mental health. I know 419 00:21:21,399 --> 00:21:25,320 Speaker 2: we're talking about adult friendships here, but again I use 420 00:21:25,359 --> 00:21:27,999 Speaker 2: this word social network because they don't have to just 421 00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:30,800 Speaker 2: be friends, you know. It can be the auntie, the cousin, 422 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:34,800 Speaker 2: the people in our sort of extended community that maybe 423 00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:38,359 Speaker 2: we wouldn't consider as friends, but we consider them as 424 00:21:38,399 --> 00:21:41,159 Speaker 2: part of our community. And as we're talking about this, 425 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:44,199 Speaker 2: I'm thinking about cultural groups, right. You know, I have 426 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:49,320 Speaker 2: Greek roots, and I would say the Greek community does 427 00:21:49,359 --> 00:21:52,560 Speaker 2: really well in sort of keeping connected. Would I call 428 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:54,639 Speaker 2: everyone that I know in the Greek community my friend? 429 00:21:54,760 --> 00:22:03,719 Speaker 2: Probably not, but I feel connected to them as as. 430 00:22:02,879 --> 00:22:02,959 Speaker 1: What. 431 00:22:04,879 --> 00:22:08,119 Speaker 2: But there's that sense of shared belonging that I think 432 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:10,080 Speaker 2: is really important for us. I don't know if you 433 00:22:10,159 --> 00:22:12,279 Speaker 2: have a similar thing with Sri Lankan community. 434 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:15,880 Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel like it's an interesting one because it's 435 00:22:15,919 --> 00:22:18,959 Speaker 1: a I feel like, definitely within my family, like my 436 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:21,840 Speaker 1: immediate family, there's like I think I've got cousins that 437 00:22:21,879 --> 00:22:24,400 Speaker 1: are quite distant and things like that. But I feel 438 00:22:24,879 --> 00:22:28,399 Speaker 1: growing up there was a very like there was a 439 00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:31,399 Speaker 1: very strong Shalankan community. But I it's funny, this is 440 00:22:31,399 --> 00:22:34,040 Speaker 1: a whole episode in itself, but I actually wasn't really 441 00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:38,039 Speaker 1: a part of that community for certain reasons. But I 442 00:22:38,119 --> 00:22:41,320 Speaker 1: feel like I have over the years now since reclaiming 443 00:22:41,359 --> 00:22:43,840 Speaker 1: more of my cultural roots. I have got a lot 444 00:22:43,879 --> 00:22:45,999 Speaker 1: more of friends that are Sri Lankan and you know, 445 00:22:46,119 --> 00:22:48,960 Speaker 1: the innovative, the creative, the entrepreneurs, and I think I've 446 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:50,560 Speaker 1: found more of a community there. 447 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:52,080 Speaker 2: Nice. 448 00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:56,640 Speaker 1: Okayannis Asia. We always love a good roadmap from you, 449 00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:59,960 Speaker 1: So give us the roadmap on how do we make 450 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:00,960 Speaker 1: friends as an adult? 451 00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:05,119 Speaker 2: The roadmap? So this one is all about taking a 452 00:23:05,159 --> 00:23:10,879 Speaker 2: two prong approach. Okay. So the first part is building 453 00:23:10,919 --> 00:23:15,320 Speaker 2: the connections we already have. The second part is making 454 00:23:15,639 --> 00:23:17,280 Speaker 2: new friendships and new connections. 455 00:23:17,359 --> 00:23:17,560 Speaker 1: Yeah. 456 00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:19,479 Speaker 2: So I think both of these are really important for 457 00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:24,320 Speaker 2: us to boost our social network and to combat loneliness 458 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,399 Speaker 2: and feel more socially connected with other people. 459 00:23:26,679 --> 00:23:29,359 Speaker 1: Okay, so what do we do with the current connections 460 00:23:29,399 --> 00:23:29,720 Speaker 1: we have? 461 00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:32,040 Speaker 2: So I would encourage people and this is going to 462 00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:38,480 Speaker 2: sound potentially a bit artificial and unnatural, but stick with me. Yeah, 463 00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:41,399 Speaker 2: I'm going to encourage people to get a pen in 464 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:43,000 Speaker 2: a favor or get a note out in your phone 465 00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:50,680 Speaker 2: and actually write a list of the people you know. Okay, acquaintances, friends, 466 00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:54,640 Speaker 2: people you've met at that networking drinks that one time. 467 00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:57,239 Speaker 2: It doesn't matter who they are, but people that you 468 00:23:57,359 --> 00:24:00,359 Speaker 2: have some sort of connection with, even if that is 469 00:24:00,399 --> 00:24:03,280 Speaker 2: a really kind of loose connection, even if they fall 470 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:06,320 Speaker 2: into that acquaintance category not yet friends. Write out a 471 00:24:06,359 --> 00:24:09,400 Speaker 2: list of them if it helps group them, Group them 472 00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:11,480 Speaker 2: as the high school friends, you know, and maybe there's 473 00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:13,000 Speaker 2: a few in there that you haven't spoken to in 474 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:15,879 Speaker 2: a while, you know, the work people that you've met 475 00:24:15,919 --> 00:24:17,959 Speaker 2: at some of those networking events that you might like 476 00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:20,000 Speaker 2: to connect with a little bit more. Just ride out 477 00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:24,080 Speaker 2: those lists and then take a step back and reflect on, Okay, 478 00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:27,040 Speaker 2: who out of these people do I feel like I 479 00:24:27,159 --> 00:24:29,359 Speaker 2: might like to get to know a bit better. I 480 00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,200 Speaker 2: might like to build that bond a bit with them. 481 00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:33,680 Speaker 2: Maybe it is that person I met at the networking 482 00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:36,200 Speaker 2: Maybe there is that high school friend that I really 483 00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:38,320 Speaker 2: liked when I was at school or in those early 484 00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:41,280 Speaker 2: UNI years, but then we kind of lost touch, you know, 485 00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:44,399 Speaker 2: we went our separate ways, but maybe we could reconnect. 486 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:46,719 Speaker 1: I love that. It's a bit of a friend audit, 487 00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:47,280 Speaker 1: isn't it. 488 00:24:47,359 --> 00:24:50,000 Speaker 2: Yes, Yes, that's a perfect way to put it. A 489 00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:54,359 Speaker 2: friend audit exactly. And so I think by doing this, 490 00:24:54,919 --> 00:24:58,080 Speaker 2: we can really see on paper who we've got right, 491 00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:00,880 Speaker 2: who we've got in that network, and where we can 492 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:04,280 Speaker 2: work to build the connections. It's a very sort of 493 00:25:04,679 --> 00:25:07,760 Speaker 2: eckal logical way of going about it, and I think 494 00:25:08,119 --> 00:25:10,119 Speaker 2: people might have a little bit of a resistance to 495 00:25:10,159 --> 00:25:13,159 Speaker 2: this kind of idea because it feels like friendships should 496 00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:15,480 Speaker 2: just happen naturally. You know, you meet someone, you click, 497 00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:17,920 Speaker 2: it should be easy and natural to keep connected with them. 498 00:25:18,359 --> 00:25:20,960 Speaker 2: And I think that's a great ideal and it's beautiful 499 00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:24,680 Speaker 2: if it happens. But again I come back to we're 500 00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:28,320 Speaker 2: busy people with adult lives, and often we hear that 501 00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:31,479 Speaker 2: people would like to be more connected with others, but 502 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:33,879 Speaker 2: it just sort of falls off the radar sometimes, and 503 00:25:33,919 --> 00:25:36,520 Speaker 2: that's no one's fault. It's just the way that life 504 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:39,000 Speaker 2: is at the minute. So once you've got the list 505 00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:41,399 Speaker 2: written out, you've kind of identified some people that maybe 506 00:25:41,399 --> 00:25:44,199 Speaker 2: you'd like to be more connected with, think about what 507 00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:47,800 Speaker 2: would be the practical next step for you to actually 508 00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:50,360 Speaker 2: connect with this person more. Is it that you've got 509 00:25:50,399 --> 00:25:52,600 Speaker 2: them on Facebook and it's about sending them a message 510 00:25:52,639 --> 00:25:55,560 Speaker 2: being like hey, I see that you've had two kids, 511 00:25:55,639 --> 00:25:57,440 Speaker 2: or I see you doing some really cool things, or hey, 512 00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:59,320 Speaker 2: I was just thinking about you the other day when 513 00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:01,080 Speaker 2: I walked into the coffee shop, and I remembered that 514 00:26:01,159 --> 00:26:04,200 Speaker 2: funny time when you and I were teenagers and we 515 00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:06,720 Speaker 2: I don't know, whatever the story is, right, find some 516 00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:10,920 Speaker 2: kind of friendly link. Sometimes it's worth calling out, hey, look, 517 00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:12,800 Speaker 2: I know it's been a while and we haven't spoken, 518 00:26:12,919 --> 00:26:15,399 Speaker 2: but you cross my mind and I'm really curious to 519 00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:19,720 Speaker 2: know how you're doing. Be vulnerable, be genuine, be authentic 520 00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:21,999 Speaker 2: when it comes to actually what you say and how 521 00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:25,039 Speaker 2: you connect with that person. Sometimes we shy away from 522 00:26:25,119 --> 00:26:28,520 Speaker 2: the vulnerability, but how nice is it to receive a 523 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:31,000 Speaker 2: message from someone you haven't spoken to in a long 524 00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:33,159 Speaker 2: time and for them to just say, hey, you know 525 00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:35,600 Speaker 2: what I was thinking about you, and so I'm messaging 526 00:26:35,639 --> 00:26:37,840 Speaker 2: you now and I hope things are well and if 527 00:26:37,919 --> 00:26:40,280 Speaker 2: you've got time, like, let's chat or I'd love to 528 00:26:40,359 --> 00:26:42,760 Speaker 2: be more connected with you than we are right now. 529 00:26:43,119 --> 00:26:45,239 Speaker 2: I think that's a beautiful thing to be able to 530 00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:47,800 Speaker 2: share with someone. And usually the person on the receiving 531 00:26:47,879 --> 00:26:51,639 Speaker 2: end feels quite good about getting that nice message. So true, 532 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:54,560 Speaker 2: so I think, make a plan for what is the 533 00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:58,760 Speaker 2: best way to reconnect with these people. And again it's 534 00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:01,199 Speaker 2: going to sound a little bit artificial and maybe a 535 00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:06,119 Speaker 2: bit not natural, but it can work. A schedule for 536 00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:11,560 Speaker 2: connecting with people. Set fifteen minutes a day where you 537 00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:14,879 Speaker 2: focus on building social connections. So you send a text 538 00:27:14,879 --> 00:27:17,200 Speaker 2: to that person, you send a meme to that other person, 539 00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:20,000 Speaker 2: you send a voice note to someone, you give someone 540 00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:21,520 Speaker 2: a quick call, whatever works for you. 541 00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:21,679 Speaker 1: Right. 542 00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:25,039 Speaker 2: I'm not going to prescribe how people should connect with others, 543 00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:28,560 Speaker 2: but what I will say is set the time aside 544 00:27:28,679 --> 00:27:32,159 Speaker 2: fifteen minutes a day where your focus is connection with 545 00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:32,840 Speaker 2: other people. 546 00:27:33,159 --> 00:27:35,320 Speaker 1: I really love that. I've never thought of scheduling it in. 547 00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:36,520 Speaker 2: Put it on the to do list. 548 00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:39,639 Speaker 1: There you go. Okay, So how about making new friends? 549 00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:43,679 Speaker 2: This is probably for some people the harder one, right, 550 00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:47,000 Speaker 2: particularly if we're a little more introverted in personality, where 551 00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:51,360 Speaker 2: maybe a little more socially anxious. Meeting new people and 552 00:27:51,359 --> 00:27:54,880 Speaker 2: making new friends can feel quite daunting and overwhelming. And 553 00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:58,320 Speaker 2: this is where I come back to the solution being 554 00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:05,400 Speaker 2: in community. Find the groups the social community that fit 555 00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:08,320 Speaker 2: what you're interested in. So this is where I recommend 556 00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:12,040 Speaker 2: join the local book club, join the local run group, 557 00:28:12,119 --> 00:28:14,800 Speaker 2: the height group, the knitting group, whatever it is, whatever 558 00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:19,040 Speaker 2: you're interested in. Find spaces where people who are doing 559 00:28:19,119 --> 00:28:22,359 Speaker 2: things that you're interested in, are coming together with a 560 00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:24,959 Speaker 2: purpose because there's some sort of activity or tasks that 561 00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:28,080 Speaker 2: they're doing, but they're coming together as a collective. This 562 00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:32,440 Speaker 2: can be an easier way into making new friends where 563 00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:35,240 Speaker 2: there's a purpose. If you're doing an art class, for example, 564 00:28:35,280 --> 00:28:37,600 Speaker 2: you're focusing on doing the art, So if you're a 565 00:28:37,639 --> 00:28:40,160 Speaker 2: little sort of anxious and nervous, you can sort of 566 00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:42,680 Speaker 2: just stick to doing the painting that you're doing whilst 567 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:45,479 Speaker 2: being around people, and over time that can feel a 568 00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:49,160 Speaker 2: bit easier to talk to others. But find the community 569 00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:52,360 Speaker 2: group that's doing something you're interested in and use that 570 00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:54,959 Speaker 2: as a platform to start to meet new people. 571 00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:56,880 Speaker 1: It's so good when you say that, because it makes 572 00:28:56,880 --> 00:28:59,640 Speaker 1: total sense because if you go to these communities that 573 00:28:59,960 --> 00:29:02,160 Speaker 1: literally have the same shared interest, you're going to be 574 00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:06,080 Speaker 1: around people that have similar value and character traits that 575 00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:07,320 Speaker 1: you are looking for. 576 00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:10,999 Speaker 2: So I love that, Yes, And what I found is, 577 00:29:11,120 --> 00:29:13,800 Speaker 2: and I just talk from personal experience here, people that 578 00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:18,680 Speaker 2: are in these groups generally are welcoming of new people. 579 00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:22,080 Speaker 2: I'll share a sort of bit of a personal story here. 580 00:29:22,160 --> 00:29:26,320 Speaker 2: I found myself quite interested in country music a couple 581 00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:28,480 Speaker 2: of years back before country music was cool, I'm just 582 00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:32,360 Speaker 2: gonna add that right as a country music bandwagon. But yes, 583 00:29:32,720 --> 00:29:35,280 Speaker 2: and I had for many years wanted to go to 584 00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:39,040 Speaker 2: Tamworth Country Music Festival, and I didn't have anyone to 585 00:29:39,080 --> 00:29:41,040 Speaker 2: go with, because no one that I knew at the 586 00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:44,560 Speaker 2: time was interested enough to take time out of out 587 00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:46,800 Speaker 2: of their schedule to go up to Tamworth spend a 588 00:29:46,840 --> 00:29:49,400 Speaker 2: week up there, you know, listening to country music twenty 589 00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:51,800 Speaker 2: four to seven. I really wanted to do that. I 590 00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:54,800 Speaker 2: connected with a few people, but I knew like maybe 591 00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:57,160 Speaker 2: two three people the first time I went up to 592 00:29:57,160 --> 00:30:00,400 Speaker 2: Tamworth Country Music Festival. But what I found was when 593 00:30:00,440 --> 00:30:04,360 Speaker 2: I went there, I made this whole new network of 594 00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:08,160 Speaker 2: friends and social connections, and it was beautiful. People were 595 00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:10,560 Speaker 2: very welcoming. People were happy to say hi, people were 596 00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:12,320 Speaker 2: happy to stand next to you at a gig and 597 00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:15,040 Speaker 2: have a little bit of a chat. And I think 598 00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:19,440 Speaker 2: that applies to other community groups as well, where communities 599 00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:23,040 Speaker 2: are generally welcoming of people being interested in the same 600 00:30:23,040 --> 00:30:26,920 Speaker 2: stuff that they're interested in. Also, I think there's been 601 00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:32,080 Speaker 2: a general recognition that as adults, it's been hard to 602 00:30:32,280 --> 00:30:35,320 Speaker 2: find connection with other people and to form friendships, and 603 00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:39,959 Speaker 2: so we've seen the rise of groups and platforms that 604 00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:44,400 Speaker 2: have been developed specifically for the purpose of adults building friendships. 605 00:30:44,440 --> 00:30:48,120 Speaker 2: So I know recently I've heard a lot about Time Left, 606 00:30:48,360 --> 00:30:50,959 Speaker 2: and there's another one called the First Round. So if 607 00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:53,160 Speaker 2: people are listening and don't quite know what these are, 608 00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:57,520 Speaker 2: they're essentially websites and apps where you can sign up 609 00:30:57,840 --> 00:31:00,999 Speaker 2: and essentially go have a drink or go have dinner 610 00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:05,400 Speaker 2: with say four or five other strangers. And the purpose 611 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:07,560 Speaker 2: is that these other people who are also coming to 612 00:31:07,560 --> 00:31:11,480 Speaker 2: dinner or drinks also want to meet other people, so 613 00:31:11,560 --> 00:31:14,400 Speaker 2: you can fill in your details and they'll sort of 614 00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:17,840 Speaker 2: profile who you might be similar to to pair you 615 00:31:17,880 --> 00:31:20,600 Speaker 2: with those people to meet up with. Yeah, so awesome, 616 00:31:20,720 --> 00:31:23,800 Speaker 2: And I also think it's nice because it's a small group. 617 00:31:24,520 --> 00:31:26,640 Speaker 2: Sometimes it can feel a little bit more intimidating if 618 00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:29,440 Speaker 2: you're doing kind of a one on one, true sort 619 00:31:29,480 --> 00:31:32,640 Speaker 2: of new interaction with someone, But the idea of a 620 00:31:32,720 --> 00:31:35,000 Speaker 2: small group I think buffers that a little bit and 621 00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:36,880 Speaker 2: maybe makes it more likely that you're going to meet 622 00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:40,160 Speaker 2: someone that you get along with. But it's nice because 623 00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:43,480 Speaker 2: it takes some of the awkwardness and uncomfortableness out of 624 00:31:43,880 --> 00:31:47,160 Speaker 2: this feeling of wanting friends as an adult, wanting more 625 00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:55,640 Speaker 2: friends because everyone is there for the same purpose. Bierb 626 00:31:56,000 --> 00:32:01,320 Speaker 2: bib Bibby. I'm powerving a serious crisis. BRB having a crisis. 627 00:32:01,960 --> 00:32:04,440 Speaker 1: We've reached that time in our episode where we add 628 00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:08,920 Speaker 1: a question or dilemma from one of you. Allison is Anasasia. 629 00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:11,960 Speaker 1: Our first dilemma for this season is from Naomi. 630 00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:14,759 Speaker 3: I'm in my twenties and I really want to make 631 00:32:14,880 --> 00:32:19,320 Speaker 3: new friends, but honestly, social stuff makes me super anxious. 632 00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:23,600 Speaker 3: I overthink everything, from what to say, how I'm coming across, 633 00:32:24,040 --> 00:32:26,999 Speaker 3: and whether people actually like me or just being polite. 634 00:32:27,480 --> 00:32:31,200 Speaker 3: Even casual group settings feel exhausting because I'm constantly in 635 00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:33,160 Speaker 3: my head trying to act normal. 636 00:32:33,840 --> 00:32:36,000 Speaker 2: I end up avoiding things altogether. 637 00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:38,680 Speaker 3: Then feel lonely and frustrated with myself and not trying. 638 00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:42,040 Speaker 3: I watch people who can just chat easily and feel 639 00:32:42,080 --> 00:32:45,640 Speaker 3: like I've missed some basic life skill. I don't want 640 00:32:45,680 --> 00:32:48,880 Speaker 3: this to hold me back forever, but I just don't 641 00:32:48,960 --> 00:32:51,240 Speaker 3: know where to start and how to get over this fear. 642 00:32:52,160 --> 00:32:54,240 Speaker 3: Is this something I can actually change or is it 643 00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:55,000 Speaker 3: just how I am? 644 00:32:56,160 --> 00:32:56,960 Speaker 1: Such a good question. 645 00:32:57,280 --> 00:32:59,480 Speaker 2: It's a really good question, and it speaks a lot 646 00:32:59,600 --> 00:33:03,840 Speaker 2: to anxiety in terms of social situations, which we haven't 647 00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:07,800 Speaker 2: spoken much about in this episode yet. There's two key 648 00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:11,360 Speaker 2: things I'm gonna tell Naomi here and for anyone else 649 00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:15,600 Speaker 2: listening who can relate. The first one is it's really 650 00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:20,160 Speaker 2: important for us to get comfortable with the idea that 651 00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:21,640 Speaker 2: not everyone will like us. 652 00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:25,360 Speaker 1: Oh that's so hard, especially for the people pleases out there. 653 00:33:25,640 --> 00:33:29,560 Speaker 2: A hard truth. Yeah, yeah, you know, our brain is 654 00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:34,440 Speaker 2: wired to want people to like us because, again Caveman days, 655 00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:40,279 Speaker 2: shout out, social connection was really important. It was important 656 00:33:40,280 --> 00:33:41,600 Speaker 2: for us to be part of the pack, part of 657 00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:44,280 Speaker 2: the group, because that offered us protection. We don't need 658 00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:46,920 Speaker 2: it in the same way nowadays, but our brain still 659 00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:50,719 Speaker 2: gets anxious if people don't like us. So becoming comfortable 660 00:33:50,760 --> 00:33:53,240 Speaker 2: with the notion that we won't be everyone's cup of 661 00:33:53,280 --> 00:33:57,120 Speaker 2: tea it's something that takes time and practice to become 662 00:33:57,280 --> 00:34:00,760 Speaker 2: comfortable with. And I often encourage people to think about 663 00:34:00,800 --> 00:34:04,440 Speaker 2: the flip side of that, which is we don't necessarily 664 00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:08,400 Speaker 2: we want everyone we meet to be our closest friend. 665 00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:10,880 Speaker 2: We might think people are a fine or sort of 666 00:34:10,920 --> 00:34:14,640 Speaker 2: be neutral towards them, or maybe they have personality characteristics 667 00:34:14,759 --> 00:34:17,800 Speaker 2: that sort of don't mesh well with ours. That's okay. 668 00:34:18,040 --> 00:34:19,759 Speaker 2: That doesn't mean they're a bad person. It doesn't mean 669 00:34:19,799 --> 00:34:21,600 Speaker 2: we're a bad person. It just means that we're not 670 00:34:21,680 --> 00:34:24,319 Speaker 2: each other's cup of tea, and that's okay. So if 671 00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:27,120 Speaker 2: we can get comfortable with this notion that not everyone 672 00:34:27,200 --> 00:34:30,680 Speaker 2: we interact with is our person, that helps alleviate some 673 00:34:30,719 --> 00:34:31,400 Speaker 2: of the anxiety. 674 00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:31,800 Speaker 1: Hmm. 675 00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:32,440 Speaker 2: I love that. 676 00:34:32,600 --> 00:34:34,680 Speaker 1: And it's kind of like, it's not that one person's 677 00:34:34,719 --> 00:34:36,600 Speaker 1: better or the other. It's just we're different and we're 678 00:34:36,680 --> 00:34:37,320 Speaker 1: not aligned. 679 00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:43,040 Speaker 2: Yes, we're different exactly. The second part is that anxiety 680 00:34:43,640 --> 00:34:48,200 Speaker 2: shines a spotlight on our own internal experience. So, as 681 00:34:48,320 --> 00:34:51,600 Speaker 2: Naomi was saying, when she's at these social events, she's 682 00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:54,080 Speaker 2: thinking about what she's saying, she's overthinking what she's saying, 683 00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:56,719 Speaker 2: she's trying to act normal. You know, anxiety shines that 684 00:34:56,799 --> 00:35:01,000 Speaker 2: spotlight on our internal experience. I can assure you, no 685 00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:04,560 Speaker 2: one is thinking about you more than you're thinking about it. 686 00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:06,560 Speaker 1: So true, so true. 687 00:35:06,719 --> 00:35:10,080 Speaker 2: No one is thinking back and being like, ah, Anastasia, 688 00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:12,719 Speaker 2: that time three years ago, you said that stupid thing 689 00:35:12,759 --> 00:35:15,279 Speaker 2: at that dinner party. I might be thinking about it. 690 00:35:15,799 --> 00:35:19,360 Speaker 2: No one else is right. Rumination is a very internal process, 691 00:35:20,200 --> 00:35:23,279 Speaker 2: and anxiety almost tells us that what we do is 692 00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:26,719 Speaker 2: more significant than it really is. So if we can 693 00:35:26,799 --> 00:35:29,640 Speaker 2: take that step back, give it perspective and go, you know, 694 00:35:29,759 --> 00:35:33,480 Speaker 2: I'm not overthinking what someone else did or said or 695 00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:35,839 Speaker 2: how they were right. We might think about something in 696 00:35:35,880 --> 00:35:37,960 Speaker 2: the moment, but then it comes and goes and we're 697 00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:40,840 Speaker 2: on to the next thing. So just remember that anxiety 698 00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:43,680 Speaker 2: shines that spotlight in a way that's not necessarily always 699 00:35:43,759 --> 00:35:47,480 Speaker 2: helpful for us. But I really like this question from Naomi. 700 00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:49,560 Speaker 2: I think it's a really important one. And actually we've 701 00:35:49,640 --> 00:35:54,160 Speaker 2: got an episode coming up this season all about social anxiety. 702 00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:57,040 Speaker 2: So if you feel like you're listening and you can 703 00:35:57,080 --> 00:36:00,040 Speaker 2: relate to this scenario, then tune into that future episode. 704 00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:03,920 Speaker 1: It's gonna be a good one. Anastasia, can you reiterate 705 00:36:03,960 --> 00:36:06,120 Speaker 1: the main taker ways from today's episode. 706 00:36:05,759 --> 00:36:09,319 Speaker 2: One hundred percent? First of all, having friends as an 707 00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:13,560 Speaker 2: adult is important not just for our sense of social connection, 708 00:36:13,759 --> 00:36:17,800 Speaker 2: but also for our physical health and our mental health. Second, 709 00:36:18,239 --> 00:36:22,439 Speaker 2: we are facing a loneliness epidemic, so having friends has 710 00:36:22,480 --> 00:36:26,279 Speaker 2: been more important than ever. Third, to build your sense 711 00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:30,279 Speaker 2: of social connection, take this too prong approach by strengthening 712 00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:33,640 Speaker 2: old friendships as well as building new ones. And finally, 713 00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:36,359 Speaker 2: it can be normal and natural to feel a little 714 00:36:36,400 --> 00:36:39,160 Speaker 2: anxious when connecting with new people. The more we do it, 715 00:36:39,440 --> 00:36:40,400 Speaker 2: the easier it becomes. 716 00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:42,799 Speaker 1: If you have a burning question for us, there are 717 00:36:42,840 --> 00:36:44,799 Speaker 1: a few ways to get in touch with us, links 718 00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:45,680 Speaker 1: through in the show notes. 719 00:36:46,040 --> 00:36:49,680 Speaker 2: And remember, while I am a psychologist, this podcast isn't 720 00:36:49,680 --> 00:36:52,480 Speaker 2: a diagnostic tool, and the advice and ideas that we 721 00:36:52,600 --> 00:36:56,000 Speaker 2: present here should always take into account your own personal 722 00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:56,920 Speaker 2: medical history. 723 00:36:57,600 --> 00:37:01,040 Speaker 1: Next week's episode is all about our unhealthy relationships with 724 00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:03,799 Speaker 1: our phones and how we can stop our phones from 725 00:37:03,880 --> 00:37:06,200 Speaker 1: fucking up our lives. Stay tuned for that. 726 00:37:06,880 --> 00:37:10,359 Speaker 2: The senior producer of But Are You Happy is Charlie. 727 00:37:10,120 --> 00:37:13,000 Speaker 1: Blackman, Executive producer is Naima Brown. 728 00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:15,319 Speaker 2: Sound design and editing by Tina. 729 00:37:15,160 --> 00:37:18,799 Speaker 1: Mattalov, and our social producer is Jemma Donaho. You can 730 00:37:18,880 --> 00:37:21,799 Speaker 1: find us on Instagram and TikTok at but Are You 731 00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:24,080 Speaker 1: Happy Pod. I'm a Shani Dante. 732 00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:27,839 Speaker 2: And I'm doctor Anastagia heronus. The names and stories of 733 00:37:27,880 --> 00:37:31,520 Speaker 2: people discussed have been changed for the purpose of maintaining anonymity. 734 00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:34,680 Speaker 2: If this conversation brought up any difficult feelings for you. 735 00:37:35,239 --> 00:37:37,799 Speaker 2: We have links for more resources in the show notes 736 00:37:37,920 --> 00:37:40,919 Speaker 2: around the topics we discuss today. You can also reach 737 00:37:40,960 --> 00:37:44,560 Speaker 2: out to organizations like Beyond Blue or Lifeline if you're 738 00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:46,120 Speaker 2: wanting more immediate support. 739 00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:52,400 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening, See you next time you're listening to 740 00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:54,400 Speaker 1: a Muma Mia podcast. 741 00:37:55,040 --> 00:37:58,400 Speaker 2: Mamma Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and 742 00:37:58,560 --> 00:38:03,120 Speaker 2: waters that this podcast is recorded on. Mamma Mia acknowledges 743 00:38:03,200 --> 00:38:06,200 Speaker 2: the traditional owners of the land and waters that this 744 00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:07,799 Speaker 2: podcast is recorded on.