WEBVTT - All In Your Head 0:00:10.888 --> 0:00:14.808 You're listening to a Mother Me podcast, Muma Me, your 0:00:14.848 --> 0:00:17.927 acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and waters. This 0:00:18.088 --> 0:00:28.448 podcast is recorded on in sickness and in health. Their 0:00:28.448 --> 0:00:32.008 words usually reserved for traditional wedding vows. Not the beginning 0:00:32.007 --> 0:00:35.408 of a relationship in your early twenties, But for Lucian Lars, 0:00:35.448 --> 0:00:37.528 that was exactly how their story began. 0:00:37.928 --> 0:00:40.128 So he would often come home from work and say 0:00:40.128 --> 0:00:44.327 that I can't work I'm too sick. I was thinking, oh, 0:00:44.448 --> 0:00:46.888 I don't know, this is not looking good, and then 0:00:47.008 --> 0:00:49.688 he started saying, yeah, I just feel really I'm feeling 0:00:49.768 --> 0:00:50.848 quite nauseous a lot. 0:00:51.408 --> 0:00:53.848 The thing about sickness in your twenties is that you 0:00:53.928 --> 0:00:57.008 carry an unshakable belief that you'll bounce back. You're young, 0:00:57.088 --> 0:01:00.968 after all. But what happens when sickness lingers an unsolved 0:01:01.008 --> 0:01:04.128 mystery that slowly takes over your life, your love and 0:01:04.168 --> 0:01:05.528 the person you once work. 0:01:05.648 --> 0:01:08.967 You're caring for this adult you know twenty four to seven, 0:01:09.048 --> 0:01:12.688 you're you're in a care role. It's not partnership. You 0:01:12.768 --> 0:01:15.447 can't go out together. You can't walk down the street together, 0:01:15.488 --> 0:01:17.368 you can't go for a meal together. You can't go 0:01:17.408 --> 0:01:21.167 see a film together. You can't do anything together. You're 0:01:21.208 --> 0:01:22.408 missing out big time. 0:01:32.048 --> 0:01:34.768 I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an eggs. 0:01:34.928 --> 0:01:37.088 Come with me as we dive into a collection of 0:01:37.208 --> 0:01:41.208 unconventional stories about relationships passed through the eyes and the 0:01:41.248 --> 0:01:44.488 hearts of the very people who lived them. Are the 0:01:44.688 --> 0:01:47.728 nineties a time of suburban freedom, the dawn of the 0:01:47.808 --> 0:01:51.528 digital age, and truly iconic pop culdjure. But amid all 0:01:51.528 --> 0:01:54.448 that goodness, it was also the moment Lucy found herself 0:01:54.488 --> 0:01:57.648 freshly untethered from a less than desirable relationship. 0:01:58.008 --> 0:02:01.528 I was twenty four. I had a daughter from a 0:02:01.568 --> 0:02:07.168 previous relationship, she would have been about four, and I 0:02:07.208 --> 0:02:10.848 left it by myself in a little flatgate hill in Brisbane, 0:02:10.888 --> 0:02:13.928 one of the inner city suburbs there. And I had 0:02:13.928 --> 0:02:17.448 just come from a relationship or dating somebody that turned 0:02:17.488 --> 0:02:20.968 out to be paranoid, schizophrenic, and it became quite a 0:02:21.088 --> 0:02:26.048 dangerous situation and he continued to stalk me. So I 0:02:26.088 --> 0:02:29.048 was in quite a nervous state at that time. 0:02:29.488 --> 0:02:32.728 Thankfully she wasn't alone. A wonderful group of friends rallied 0:02:32.728 --> 0:02:35.488 around her, lifting her spirits and finding moments of joy 0:02:35.488 --> 0:02:36.088 along the way. 0:02:36.728 --> 0:02:39.968 So there was a group of us. We all were 0:02:39.968 --> 0:02:44.448 a colorful bunch. I guess, a lot of different areas 0:02:44.448 --> 0:02:48.248 of study going on and different types of work musicians 0:02:48.768 --> 0:02:52.688 or photographer. Was another friend, a Jewelo, who was my 0:02:52.768 --> 0:02:56.608 best female friend. I was studying fine art at the time. 0:02:57.208 --> 0:02:59.688 We all used to go to a club called Babylon 0:02:59.728 --> 0:03:01.328 and it was kind of under the ground in the 0:03:01.328 --> 0:03:04.008 Brisbane CBD. And it was a place where lots of 0:03:04.048 --> 0:03:08.407 alternate sort of groups or people went regularly. And because 0:03:08.448 --> 0:03:11.008 Brisbane was a small place like that back then, you 0:03:11.328 --> 0:03:14.608 kind of got to know people over time. But I 0:03:14.808 --> 0:03:19.248 was at the Babylon one night and I was just 0:03:19.328 --> 0:03:21.567 with a couple of my friends and I looked across 0:03:21.728 --> 0:03:24.688 and he must have been sitting under a light, but 0:03:24.928 --> 0:03:29.368 I noticed this fellow. I don't know what it was. 0:03:29.488 --> 0:03:35.048 I found his appearance just absolutely striking. He was slightly 0:03:35.248 --> 0:03:38.448 Viking esquy cord. He had a very strong sort of 0:03:38.528 --> 0:03:42.448 Norwegian look. But it wasn't necessarily that it was just 0:03:42.568 --> 0:03:46.008 something about him. It was his behavior, his body language. 0:03:46.728 --> 0:03:49.368 He appeared to be really jovial when he was having 0:03:49.408 --> 0:03:52.848 a lot of fun with his friends. And I was 0:03:52.968 --> 0:03:57.808 just absolutely just so curious about him. I kept going 0:03:57.848 --> 0:04:01.408 to the same place for a few more months, probably 0:04:01.448 --> 0:04:04.848 once a fortnight or something, and I kept seeing him there. 0:04:05.208 --> 0:04:10.248 And then one night I was dancing and he was dancing. 0:04:10.288 --> 0:04:14.648 He bumped straight into me, and I turned around, thinking, 0:04:14.688 --> 0:04:17.848 who is that? And you know who just bumped into me? 0:04:18.368 --> 0:04:22.488 And it was him. And the first thing he said 0:04:22.488 --> 0:04:25.688 to me was sorry, Bub, are you all right? And 0:04:26.207 --> 0:04:27.848 I said yeah. I kind of felt a little bit 0:04:27.888 --> 0:04:32.967 irritated at being called bub. But he was six foot 0:04:33.048 --> 0:04:37.328 four and just a really large bill, and he had 0:04:37.327 --> 0:04:42.088 a really kind face and really kind gestures about him, 0:04:42.207 --> 0:04:47.688 very protective. I felt that immediately. I felt like this 0:04:47.768 --> 0:04:50.208 person is safe. He felt safe to me, and I 0:04:50.248 --> 0:04:54.008 think maybe, coming through what I had been through, this 0:04:54.048 --> 0:04:57.927 seemed like somebody that I could really spend time with. 0:04:58.528 --> 0:05:03.647 He said, let's not have an accident interfere with a 0:05:03.688 --> 0:05:08.248 good dance, words to that effect. So we danced and 0:05:08.288 --> 0:05:10.688 then we sort of left the dance floor. 0:05:10.688 --> 0:05:14.168 Eventually, his name was Lars and he was a regular 0:05:14.288 --> 0:05:17.208 Babylon too, So the next time Lucy went back, it 0:05:17.327 --> 0:05:20.207 was no surprise she'd seen there again, but this time, 0:05:20.248 --> 0:05:22.928 instead of losing each other in the loud pulsing chaos 0:05:22.928 --> 0:05:25.647 of the dance floor. They slipped away, sneaking out to 0:05:25.688 --> 0:05:28.288 somewhere quieter to learn a little more about each other. 0:05:28.688 --> 0:05:32.448 We went outside and sat on a bench and he 0:05:33.248 --> 0:05:39.288 was chainsmoking. He'd left school at fourteen, and he spoke 0:05:39.368 --> 0:05:41.007 in a way that I guess a lot of people 0:05:41.048 --> 0:05:46.488 would have described as incredibly rough. Definitely, it became clear too, 0:05:46.568 --> 0:05:50.647 really quickly that he came from a pretty low socioeconomic 0:05:50.847 --> 0:05:53.527 kind of background, from a family that really had a 0:05:53.528 --> 0:05:58.807 lot of struggles, but were also really close. And we 0:05:58.888 --> 0:06:01.208 talked a little bit about music. It was clear we 0:06:01.248 --> 0:06:05.767 had very similar interests there, and I just felt endeared 0:06:05.847 --> 0:06:09.128 to him. I thought, well, this is somebody who comes 0:06:09.168 --> 0:06:14.808 from a background of adversity and struggle. I started asking 0:06:14.847 --> 0:06:19.008 him about his family and he said, you know, my 0:06:19.087 --> 0:06:22.847 dad's been in prison since I was two, and I 0:06:22.888 --> 0:06:27.087 was like, okay, another thing. I'd never really known anybody 0:06:27.128 --> 0:06:31.488 before who knew anyone who was incarcerated. So I said, oh, 0:06:31.568 --> 0:06:34.568 what is since you were two is a long time 0:06:34.648 --> 0:06:36.608 and he said, oh, well, he's been in and out, 0:06:36.888 --> 0:06:38.967 but you know, the last time he got put away 0:06:39.168 --> 0:06:42.767 was quite a long sentence. His mother had quite a 0:06:42.768 --> 0:06:47.888 few abusive partners between his father and the time we 0:06:47.888 --> 0:06:52.047 were at He also said that he had had trouble 0:06:52.048 --> 0:06:55.608 with the police. He was nineteen and I was twenty four, 0:06:55.967 --> 0:06:58.087 so it was quite an age gap. I just presumed 0:06:58.128 --> 0:07:00.048 he was older than me. I didn't think he was 0:07:00.207 --> 0:07:02.847 younger than me at all. He had quite a beard, 0:07:02.888 --> 0:07:06.128 and I guess maybe his height and everything as well. 0:07:06.168 --> 0:07:08.448 It just didn't occur to me that he was actually 0:07:08.448 --> 0:07:12.448 younger than me. Anyway, we went back inside the club, 0:07:12.528 --> 0:07:15.088 and then might have been a couple of weeks after 0:07:15.128 --> 0:07:18.047 that we met up again and I ended up saying, 0:07:18.528 --> 0:07:20.688 do you want to have a sleepover at my place? 0:07:21.848 --> 0:07:24.807 He said, are you sure? And I said yeah, just 0:07:25.208 --> 0:07:28.008 they had to catch huge taxi rides back out to 0:07:28.528 --> 0:07:31.128 Sunny Bank where they were living, and I lived in 0:07:31.128 --> 0:07:32.968 a city, and I said, well, it's close for you. 0:07:33.048 --> 0:07:35.807 If you want to stay, you'd be very welcome. I 0:07:35.808 --> 0:07:37.408 did feel really safe. 0:07:37.288 --> 0:07:40.248 And so the first sleep over Milestone was reached, and 0:07:40.328 --> 0:07:42.408 for the most part it went off without a hitch. 0:07:42.688 --> 0:07:45.288 But there was one small thing Lucy couldn't quite ignore, 0:07:45.607 --> 0:07:47.648 something that felt a little odd. 0:07:48.168 --> 0:07:51.208 We caught a taxi that night together and in the taxi. 0:07:51.248 --> 0:07:55.127 On the way, he started doing his shoelaces up really tight. 0:07:56.448 --> 0:07:58.248 I was sort of watching him, and I was thinking, Oh, 0:07:58.288 --> 0:08:02.448 that's strange. And then we got out of the taxi 0:08:02.848 --> 0:08:04.608 got to the place where I lived. It was a 0:08:04.727 --> 0:08:07.568 very old house divided into small flats. So we walked 0:08:07.607 --> 0:08:10.848 up the hallway and got to my flat door. He 0:08:11.008 --> 0:08:14.288 was looking around everywhere in this hallway, and he was 0:08:14.328 --> 0:08:16.727 looking at the big entry door that we'd just come through, 0:08:16.968 --> 0:08:20.448 and he was just scoping everything out. He was quite 0:08:20.528 --> 0:08:22.728 on edge. And we got into the flat and he 0:08:22.768 --> 0:08:24.568 started looking around and he asked me if there were 0:08:24.607 --> 0:08:27.168 any other doors to the flat and I said, oh, yeah, 0:08:27.208 --> 0:08:29.608 there's this one here, but it doesn't go to anything. 0:08:29.648 --> 0:08:32.528 It just has a drop off into a back piece 0:08:32.568 --> 0:08:35.727 of land there. And he was like, oh yeah, oh yeah. 0:08:35.848 --> 0:08:39.208 I said, are you okay? You just seem really on edge. 0:08:39.288 --> 0:08:42.288 He said, oh, we'll see. I kind of thought that 0:08:43.128 --> 0:08:45.368 for a girl like you to invite me to stay, 0:08:46.288 --> 0:08:48.488 it could be a trap or a setup. And I 0:08:48.568 --> 0:08:53.128 was like, oh no, not at all, honestly, and he 0:08:53.208 --> 0:08:55.648 was like it just seemed too good to be true, really, 0:08:55.848 --> 0:09:00.488 And I said no, no, it's fine. He said, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, 0:09:00.568 --> 0:09:02.088 So if I need to get out, I can just 0:09:02.248 --> 0:09:04.448 go through that door. We came through and I said yes, 0:09:04.528 --> 0:09:06.688 and you know what, I won't lock it or anything, 0:09:06.968 --> 0:09:10.048 and he said no, Yeah, that's all right, that's all right. 0:09:10.328 --> 0:09:13.208 He relaxed after a while and we had a nice night, 0:09:13.328 --> 0:09:15.608 and then he went home in the morning and asked 0:09:15.648 --> 0:09:18.808 if he could call me and I said yes. So 0:09:18.928 --> 0:09:21.288 we exchange phone numbers. 0:09:21.248 --> 0:09:23.808 And then it happened again the next weekend and the 0:09:23.808 --> 0:09:27.088 one after that. With each passing visit, Lucy felt safe 0:09:27.088 --> 0:09:30.288 in Lars's company, and from that sense of ease, something 0:09:30.328 --> 0:09:33.968 deeper began to grow between them. Things were just easy. 0:09:34.568 --> 0:09:36.928 We might watch the odd film, but mostly we just 0:09:37.128 --> 0:09:40.368 laid in bed and talked. He would talk about what 0:09:40.448 --> 0:09:42.688 he would love to do with life, like he'd love 0:09:42.728 --> 0:09:46.368 to live in a city somewhere, he would love to travel. 0:09:46.408 --> 0:09:48.368 He'd like to see what else there was in the world. 0:09:48.728 --> 0:09:51.808 Traveling is something I'd done a lot of, and I 0:09:51.888 --> 0:09:54.808 said I'd love to travel with you one day. He 0:09:54.808 --> 0:09:56.768 said he'd really love to live in a place where 0:09:56.768 --> 0:09:59.088 you could grow food, which was something I had a 0:09:59.128 --> 0:10:02.008 big interest in as well. At that stage, it was 0:10:02.048 --> 0:10:04.408 clear we just grew up on completely different sides of 0:10:04.448 --> 0:10:08.128 the track, but we were also very similar in our 0:10:08.328 --> 0:10:11.128 sort of level of compassion for the people and kindness 0:10:11.168 --> 0:10:14.688 for one another. It just grew, and it grew really 0:10:14.968 --> 0:10:17.728 really deep as well. It was an understanding that we 0:10:17.768 --> 0:10:20.128 had between us that we didn't speak a lot of 0:10:20.168 --> 0:10:25.888 the time, just a connection like I hadn't known possible 0:10:25.968 --> 0:10:28.448 before when you meet somebody who comes from such different 0:10:28.648 --> 0:10:32.568 background and circumstances. He worked at a press metal factory, 0:10:33.328 --> 0:10:35.487 and I went to stay at his place, and his 0:10:35.528 --> 0:10:39.408 mother was really amazing. She said, since this fellow has 0:10:39.448 --> 0:10:41.488 been bothering you where you live, would you like to 0:10:41.648 --> 0:10:44.808 stay with us for a while. That means you're away 0:10:44.808 --> 0:10:47.048 from the area you were in. He doesn't know where 0:10:47.088 --> 0:10:49.368 you are, and you can be here for six weeks 0:10:49.448 --> 0:10:51.968 or something. And then I took them up on the offer, 0:10:52.408 --> 0:11:00.368 and I lived there for six weeks. When I was 0:11:00.648 --> 0:11:03.528 out there at his mother's place, I was studying, so 0:11:03.968 --> 0:11:06.168 you know, we'd get up in the morning. He would 0:11:06.208 --> 0:11:09.488 often be gone to his work around six in the morning, 0:11:10.208 --> 0:11:13.368 but I had my daughter there. Sometimes I'd be getting 0:11:13.368 --> 0:11:15.288 her ready to go to daycare, and I would often 0:11:15.328 --> 0:11:18.408 have a class to attend later in the day and 0:11:18.448 --> 0:11:21.128 we'd just meet up back at his place later on 0:11:21.168 --> 0:11:22.928 if I didn't have a class in town, I didn't. 0:11:22.928 --> 0:11:25.008 I stayed there and I helped his mother with things. 0:11:25.848 --> 0:11:28.248 She was setting up a veggy garden and things like that. 0:11:28.808 --> 0:11:30.808 He said to me when we were out there that 0:11:30.888 --> 0:11:34.328 he needed a word that he couldn't find, and I said, well, 0:11:34.328 --> 0:11:37.808 what to describe? And then he said, to describe love 0:11:37.888 --> 0:11:40.528 that isn't just love, it's more than love. And then 0:11:40.568 --> 0:11:43.448 he said to me, is it loath? And I said no, 0:11:43.968 --> 0:11:46.448 I don't think it's loth And he was saying, well, 0:11:46.488 --> 0:11:48.888 it's like I just need a word to describe love 0:11:48.928 --> 0:11:52.288 that is something you want for the rest of your life. 0:11:52.328 --> 0:11:55.448 And I said I'm not really sure. And he said, well, well, 0:11:55.488 --> 0:11:57.848 if you find the word, that's how I feel about you. 0:11:58.648 --> 0:12:03.088 And I said I felt the same. I absolutely did. 0:12:03.648 --> 0:12:07.607 I loved how kind he was. What I noticed when 0:12:07.688 --> 0:12:10.928 we were out at his mother this house was that 0:12:11.408 --> 0:12:15.808 he'd go to work sometimes, which sounded really rough, this workplace, 0:12:16.608 --> 0:12:20.608 and there were often fights there and things. I was 0:12:20.648 --> 0:12:26.208 starting to see this picture of this person was always 0:12:26.328 --> 0:12:32.968 getting into terrifying situations, and he was his anxiety was growing, 0:12:34.288 --> 0:12:38.408 and I just put it down to these probably frightening experiences. 0:12:38.968 --> 0:12:41.168 So he would often come home from work and say 0:12:41.168 --> 0:12:44.448 that I can't work I'm too sick. And I was thinking, oh, 0:12:44.688 --> 0:12:47.248 this is starting to feel a bit hopeless. As much 0:12:47.288 --> 0:12:49.128 as I loved him, I felt like this is kind 0:12:49.128 --> 0:12:52.368 of seeming hopeless. And I said, well, what sort of 0:12:52.448 --> 0:12:54.848 sick is it? And he said, oh, I just I 0:12:54.888 --> 0:12:56.928 have to keep leaving work to have a cigarette to 0:12:57.008 --> 0:13:00.528 calm down. And I was thinking, oh, I don't know, 0:13:00.808 --> 0:13:04.128 this is not looking good. And then he started saying, yeah, 0:13:04.168 --> 0:13:06.727 I just feel really I'm feeling quite nauseous a lot. 0:13:06.768 --> 0:13:09.368 And I was saying, oh, that might be because you're 0:13:09.368 --> 0:13:13.488 anxiety highness. Yeah, no, no shit, you know, my anxiety 0:13:13.608 --> 0:13:14.368 is through the roof. 0:13:14.768 --> 0:13:16.568 So they decided to make a change. 0:13:16.928 --> 0:13:18.968 We did make the decision just to move into the 0:13:19.008 --> 0:13:22.448 city together and try to start the beginning of what 0:13:22.528 --> 0:13:25.008 that life looked like to us. I would finish my 0:13:25.688 --> 0:13:29.768 finer degree. He quit his job in the press metal 0:13:29.808 --> 0:13:33.208 factory and wanted to get a job in the city somewhere. 0:13:34.008 --> 0:13:37.488 I loved him. I wanted to do anything I could 0:13:37.528 --> 0:13:41.568 to help him. I had a respect for him as well. 0:13:41.768 --> 0:13:47.448 It was somebody who had faced all of these struggles 0:13:47.488 --> 0:13:50.888 and hurdles but had such a desire to make a 0:13:50.928 --> 0:13:55.328 different life to what he'd had. I loved his warmth 0:13:55.528 --> 0:13:59.648 and his compassion and his kindness. He was so kind, 0:14:00.728 --> 0:14:04.968 He was kind to everybody. That speaks a lot to me, 0:14:05.808 --> 0:14:08.248 the level of compassion that he had for his mother 0:14:08.328 --> 0:14:13.088 and understand her situation, the way he was very protective 0:14:13.168 --> 0:14:17.728 of his siblings as well, and just really protective of me. 0:14:18.648 --> 0:14:22.808 He loved my little daughter. I just loved who he was. 0:14:23.768 --> 0:14:28.128 Who he was deep down was just so special. But 0:14:28.208 --> 0:14:30.888 by the time we moved to the city, he was 0:14:30.928 --> 0:14:34.608 finding it very hard to function normally. 0:14:36.968 --> 0:14:39.728 Something felled off, but Lucy couldn't quite put her finger 0:14:39.768 --> 0:14:42.608 on what. And around that same time, the people who 0:14:42.648 --> 0:14:45.728 loved her most had started to quietly and some not 0:14:45.848 --> 0:14:50.528 so quietly, way in on the relationship too. 0:14:52.088 --> 0:14:55.008 My parents did not like the idea of this at all. 0:14:56.008 --> 0:14:58.648 I didn't talk to my family about it. I just 0:14:58.728 --> 0:15:01.848 knew that for who Las was and what his background was, 0:15:02.088 --> 0:15:05.688 it would not be accepted. My friends were split. I 0:15:05.728 --> 0:15:09.488 had some friends who were very cynical about him and 0:15:09.768 --> 0:15:13.368 saying you know, don't you notice that he's unwell quite 0:15:13.408 --> 0:15:17.088 often these days? And I was saying, well, yeah, I 0:15:17.128 --> 0:15:19.408 think it has something to do with anxiety, and they 0:15:19.408 --> 0:15:24.528 were saying, it's clearly he's using substances. He smokes like 0:15:24.568 --> 0:15:27.888 a chimney, you know, no wonder he's unwell. Very judgmental. 0:15:28.328 --> 0:15:31.248 Also in saying to me that they were worried for me, 0:15:31.768 --> 0:15:35.368 is this guy violent? He's a very big fellow. He's 0:15:35.408 --> 0:15:38.608 really rough in the way he speaks. I just couldn't 0:15:38.608 --> 0:15:42.368 be bothered trying to convince those people that he was 0:15:42.448 --> 0:15:45.288 anything than what they wanted to think he was. On 0:15:45.328 --> 0:15:48.168 the other hand, I had some friends who started to 0:15:48.768 --> 0:15:52.968 become friends with him and really respected him. It made 0:15:53.048 --> 0:15:56.288 me sad for him because I thought, if a lot 0:15:56.328 --> 0:15:58.808 of people are judging people this way, how do people 0:15:58.888 --> 0:16:02.368 get out of their situation? Because these people have decided 0:16:02.408 --> 0:16:05.048 this about him. And these people, too, were what you 0:16:05.088 --> 0:16:09.048 would call open minded people, but they had decided that 0:16:09.448 --> 0:16:13.248 by the looks of him, because of his behavior. There's 0:16:13.248 --> 0:16:15.728 obviously stuff going on, the fact that his father was 0:16:15.768 --> 0:16:18.368 in prison. It just made me think, well, how can 0:16:18.408 --> 0:16:23.168 anybody get anywhere when they're being judged like that? So harshly, 0:16:23.848 --> 0:16:28.608 so I cut off from people who were judging him badly. 0:16:29.088 --> 0:16:30.768 I didn't want to hear from them. I didn't want 0:16:30.768 --> 0:16:33.768 anything to do with them. Obviously, my friendships with the 0:16:33.768 --> 0:16:38.248 people who did accept and love Lars became stronger friendships. 0:16:38.688 --> 0:16:42.488 It sort of divided my friendship group. It was us 0:16:42.528 --> 0:16:45.488 and these few people around us that did accept and 0:16:45.528 --> 0:16:47.448 did love him also. 0:16:47.808 --> 0:16:50.528 And then there was also the most unexpected advocate of all, 0:16:50.968 --> 0:16:53.608 Lucy's ex Robert, the father of her daughter. 0:16:54.088 --> 0:16:57.968 Although we had separated, we cared for one another immensely 0:16:58.088 --> 0:17:02.128 and we were friends and just had our daughter's best 0:17:02.128 --> 0:17:09.568 interest at heart. Robert is a mathematical physicist, and he 0:17:10.687 --> 0:17:16.447 had some unusual interests. I guess I really appreciate the 0:17:16.488 --> 0:17:22.728 culture about Robert, but I think he actually found Lars 0:17:22.808 --> 0:17:27.888 just super interesting. And I guess because he is the 0:17:27.968 --> 0:17:31.888 father of my daughter, he had an extra I guess 0:17:32.248 --> 0:17:36.447 level of concern we both did for each other, because 0:17:36.488 --> 0:17:40.808 whoever we partnered with would be exposed to our child. 0:17:41.568 --> 0:17:44.408 In the beginning too, feeling that he didn't have a concern, 0:17:44.528 --> 0:17:47.447 whereas I had these other people saying, oh, you know, 0:17:49.128 --> 0:17:51.608 you don't know where he's come from, and he's this 0:17:51.728 --> 0:17:55.088 and he's that. But immediately I felt like Robert took 0:17:55.168 --> 0:17:57.248 to him and appreciated him. 0:17:57.568 --> 0:18:00.288 Of course, there were tensions within the wider friendship group, 0:18:00.528 --> 0:18:03.128 but Lucy and Lars had their own close circle and 0:18:03.168 --> 0:18:06.007 the promise of new beginnings on the horizon, even if 0:18:06.048 --> 0:18:08.288 those beginnings carried their own set of challenges. 0:18:08.808 --> 0:18:13.088 It must have been a nine months we'd been together, 0:18:13.288 --> 0:18:16.408 and then we got a little house together in West End. 0:18:17.248 --> 0:18:20.768 He was making attempts to find work but finding it 0:18:20.848 --> 0:18:24.728 really difficult. He did get a couple of interviews for 0:18:24.848 --> 0:18:28.328 warehouse jobs, and he tried to go, but started to 0:18:28.368 --> 0:18:30.848 feel really sick when the time came to go, and 0:18:30.888 --> 0:18:35.288 I would say, it's just anxiety. I felt really sorry 0:18:35.288 --> 0:18:38.167 for him, but I did it sometimes start to get impatient. 0:18:38.688 --> 0:18:42.088 It was very hard to get to the bottom of 0:18:42.128 --> 0:18:45.368 this anxiety. It was just this thing. I don't get it. 0:18:45.408 --> 0:18:51.688 He's got everything it takes to be this incredible person, 0:18:52.808 --> 0:18:56.768 but it's not happening. And I couldn't understand what it was. 0:18:56.928 --> 0:18:59.048 And it was hard for me to not listen to 0:18:59.088 --> 0:19:02.208 people who were saying that there might be substances involved. 0:19:04.928 --> 0:19:11.368 He did go from being a really funny fun person 0:19:12.248 --> 0:19:15.368 who would go out of his way to help anybody 0:19:16.488 --> 0:19:20.288 to somebody who just couldn't even help himself. He couldn't 0:19:20.328 --> 0:19:24.368 even leave his bed, couldn't reach the front door without 0:19:24.408 --> 0:19:28.408 a panic attack, couldn't check the ladder box. Even though 0:19:28.448 --> 0:19:32.048 he was super fun and funny, there were these other things, 0:19:32.448 --> 0:19:35.408 quickly checking the room to see where the exits were 0:19:35.528 --> 0:19:38.368 and making sure your shoes were on tight in case 0:19:38.408 --> 0:19:41.768 you had to run things that back then seemed to 0:19:41.808 --> 0:19:45.248 me there's a little bit of paranoia about him. It's 0:19:45.288 --> 0:19:49.288 a strange mix, because when he wasn't showing signs of 0:19:49.328 --> 0:19:52.888 a little bit of paranoia, he was super good, fun 0:19:53.248 --> 0:19:56.608 and funny. We'd wake up in the morning on a 0:19:56.648 --> 0:20:00.687 regular day and I might have a class to go to, 0:20:00.968 --> 0:20:02.688 or I have my daughter to get to day care. 0:20:03.448 --> 0:20:06.288 So my days were very there was pattern, but you know, 0:20:06.328 --> 0:20:09.048 I was coming and going at different times, and so 0:20:09.208 --> 0:20:11.608 I might go to UNI and then come home at 0:20:11.608 --> 0:20:15.167 around two o'clock and he would just be sitting in 0:20:15.208 --> 0:20:17.768 the living room looking like he really hadn't done much 0:20:17.768 --> 0:20:22.967 at all. I was starting to get frustrated, and I 0:20:23.008 --> 0:20:27.288 just couldn't understand it. Was trying. For a while, I 0:20:27.288 --> 0:20:29.768 would say, well, let's let's go somewhere, let's go for 0:20:29.808 --> 0:20:32.407 a walk, let's go down and have a coffee. And 0:20:32.448 --> 0:20:35.128 he would say, yep, yep, that sounds good, that sounds good, 0:20:35.168 --> 0:20:38.648 and he'd sort of put his shoes on and then say, oh, 0:20:38.688 --> 0:20:40.608 you know, don't sort of feel like it right now. 0:20:40.648 --> 0:20:43.328 And I was like, why, you know, I'm just feeling 0:20:43.328 --> 0:20:45.608 really anxious at the moment, and I just I would 0:20:45.648 --> 0:20:47.928 love to go with you, but I you know, sometimes 0:20:47.968 --> 0:20:51.528 he would just get so frustrated and upset with himself 0:20:51.568 --> 0:20:53.568 and he'd say, I don't care, I'm going to do it. 0:20:53.568 --> 0:20:55.088 I'm going to do it. I'm just going to do it. 0:20:55.568 --> 0:20:58.927 But the reality was he couldn't, and that frustrating cycle 0:20:59.088 --> 0:21:02.768 soon became the norm. Determined to finances, Lucy started to 0:21:02.768 --> 0:21:05.288 take matters into her own hands and sort out the 0:21:05.328 --> 0:21:09.048 expertise of a professional to unravel the health related mystery. 0:21:09.248 --> 0:21:12.248 We got an appointment in a clinic, so we went 0:21:12.288 --> 0:21:16.488 to that clinic once a week for about eight or 0:21:16.488 --> 0:21:19.488 twelve weeks, I think it was. He had a really 0:21:19.568 --> 0:21:24.768 lovely counselor there, and she said that I believe that 0:21:24.808 --> 0:21:28.207 you're agoraphobic and you have a panic disorder. So what 0:21:28.248 --> 0:21:30.728 you're experiencing when you want to go to a job 0:21:30.728 --> 0:21:36.048 interview is a panic attack, and what you're experiencing when 0:21:36.088 --> 0:21:39.048 you're struggling to get out the front door is what 0:21:39.088 --> 0:21:41.808 we call agrophobia, is the fear of the outdoors and 0:21:41.848 --> 0:21:45.648 open spaces. That made a lot of sense to him. 0:21:46.008 --> 0:21:49.248 It was like, oh, wow, Wow, we finally have some 0:21:49.288 --> 0:21:52.608 sort of diagnosis to work with. Now we can actually 0:21:53.368 --> 0:21:56.328 we can do this. Part of getting him into the 0:21:56.368 --> 0:21:59.768 program at the hospital was that they gave him certain 0:21:59.848 --> 0:22:03.248 exercises to do where he would sort of learn to 0:22:03.768 --> 0:22:08.848 become more desensitized to the feelings of their anxiety and 0:22:08.888 --> 0:22:11.448 the fear and going outdoors. So he would say, yeah, 0:22:11.568 --> 0:22:12.967 I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this, 0:22:13.288 --> 0:22:15.808 and so we'd oh, okay, So we would get our 0:22:15.848 --> 0:22:19.968 stuff together, put our shoes on, go to the front door, 0:22:20.008 --> 0:22:22.488 walk out, go down the street, and he'd sort of 0:22:22.528 --> 0:22:26.488 have to stop, sit down wherever he was. He would say, 0:22:26.488 --> 0:22:29.967 I think I'm going to pass out, and I oh, no, 0:22:30.568 --> 0:22:33.927 I just want to have a cigarette, and it just 0:22:33.968 --> 0:22:38.967 seemed hopeless. It was just hopeless. And then he would say, yet, Na, 0:22:39.048 --> 0:22:41.208 I'm sorry I'm just going to have to go back home, 0:22:41.248 --> 0:22:44.088 but you go ahead, and I couldn't go ahead. It 0:22:44.208 --> 0:22:48.008 was so upsetting, it was so distressing. No matter how 0:22:48.048 --> 0:22:50.407 long we went to the program at the hospital, no 0:22:50.488 --> 0:22:54.368 matter how many of the exercises he did or tried 0:22:54.408 --> 0:22:58.248 to do, it just wasn't getting any better. And in fact, 0:22:58.368 --> 0:23:00.168 it just seemed to be getting worse. 0:23:00.488 --> 0:23:03.888 And they continued to get worse. A year later, still 0:23:03.928 --> 0:23:05.128 no signs of recovery. 0:23:05.448 --> 0:23:10.208 He was becoming really incapacitated. He was starting to get 0:23:10.248 --> 0:23:13.407 to the point where he couldn't go and get food 0:23:13.448 --> 0:23:17.008 for himself during the day. I couldn't just leave him 0:23:17.048 --> 0:23:20.248 like that. I did have the friends that we were 0:23:20.248 --> 0:23:23.488 closed to would go around and check on him sometimes. 0:23:24.288 --> 0:23:27.208 One day, after about a year and a half or so, 0:23:27.528 --> 0:23:30.687 it was a really really hot Brisbane day, and a 0:23:30.728 --> 0:23:34.808