WEBVTT - Why We Don't Want Sex 0:00:00.040 --> 0:00:03.080 We acknowledged the traditional custodians of the land we're recording 0:00:03.120 --> 0:00:03.720 on today. 0:00:07.960 --> 0:00:11.559 I've done a couple of energy healing sessions that it's 0:00:11.720 --> 0:00:16.920 breath work in Bali, and I always end up sobbing, 0:00:17.640 --> 0:00:20.800 per like wailing sobbing, and She'll be yelling at me 0:00:21.000 --> 0:00:22.720 like as I'm doing my breath like, She's. 0:00:22.560 --> 0:00:25.360 Like, keep going, keep going, keep going, while I'm. 0:00:25.239 --> 0:00:35.400 Like, hello, welcome back, shitters, this is eat sleeve shit 0:00:35.520 --> 0:00:39.400 repeat your wildly unhinged podcast about the madness that is 0:00:39.440 --> 0:00:43.360 motherhood and everything in between, and thank you for letting 0:00:43.400 --> 0:00:44.600 me well. 0:00:44.760 --> 0:00:48.199 No one had a choice, including Keene producer mads Have. 0:00:48.400 --> 0:00:52.199 Last week off I simply was just peek overwhelmed. I 0:00:52.280 --> 0:00:55.840 was hosting some panels for a FABWD event. We're in 0:00:55.880 --> 0:00:58.960 the middle of the U Beauty Awards. I'm obviously trying 0:00:58.960 --> 0:01:01.600 to look after everything assr. And that's on top of 0:01:01.680 --> 0:01:04.840 just like my regular workload. See, you know, there was 0:01:05.040 --> 0:01:08.120 just no episode last week. I went to the GP 0:01:08.319 --> 0:01:10.959 a few weeks ago because my noggin was injured. 0:01:10.640 --> 0:01:12.200 In it ball. That's the story for another day. 0:01:12.800 --> 0:01:15.840 She no joke was like, your head is fine physically, 0:01:15.840 --> 0:01:17.560 it will be sore for a while, but it's okay. 0:01:17.920 --> 0:01:21.320 I would like to discuss your mental health though, because 0:01:21.400 --> 0:01:23.600 I don't know. I must have just been releasing some 0:01:23.680 --> 0:01:27.120 extra unhinged vibes or something. Anyway, I did the standard 0:01:27.200 --> 0:01:30.800 mental health checklist thing, and I was like slay because 0:01:30.800 --> 0:01:33.240 I barely registered for being depressed. 0:01:34.000 --> 0:01:35.479 And then she said, ma'am. 0:01:35.760 --> 0:01:39.000 She did say, ma'am, You've got the highest possible score 0:01:39.200 --> 0:01:43.479 for stress and anxiety, so you know, not great. And 0:01:43.680 --> 0:01:45.680 you know what, I know that our guest today is 0:01:45.720 --> 0:01:48.320 going to tell me that orgasmine would be a good 0:01:48.320 --> 0:01:50.760 stress reliever. And all I shall say to that is, 0:01:50.760 --> 0:01:53.760 Dear God, no, please do not put anything else on 0:01:53.760 --> 0:01:55.920 my to do list, which you know pisses Luke right 0:01:55.960 --> 0:01:57.440 off because then he feels. 0:01:57.120 --> 0:01:57.640 Like a chore. 0:01:58.360 --> 0:02:00.919 Tara Oh is a sex coach and has been working 0:02:00.960 --> 0:02:05.240 with women reigniting their desire for over ten years. Instead 0:02:05.240 --> 0:02:08.240 of just interviewing Tara today, I'm actually going to have 0:02:08.360 --> 0:02:12.600 a live sex therapy session, which I'm guessing is going 0:02:12.639 --> 0:02:15.880 to be mortifying to share. But as I said to her, 0:02:16.320 --> 0:02:19.880 if I've learned one thing from my history of oversharing, 0:02:20.560 --> 0:02:24.320 it's that no experience is unique, so sharing really does 0:02:24.360 --> 0:02:32.240 help people feel less alone. Tara, could you please start 0:02:32.320 --> 0:02:35.400 off by telling us a little bit about yourself, what 0:02:35.440 --> 0:02:37.120 you do, how did you. 0:02:37.360 --> 0:02:38.239 Start doing it? 0:02:38.919 --> 0:02:40.320 And you are a mom to two as well, so 0:02:40.360 --> 0:02:42.679 you're a mom, so it is they're going to be 0:02:42.720 --> 0:02:45.160 glad that you're not like some twenty two year old 0:02:45.200 --> 0:02:46.320 going just have our sex. 0:02:46.639 --> 0:02:48.560 Okay, Well you need to do is just buy more 0:02:48.760 --> 0:02:50.160 lingerie and schedule it in. 0:02:50.320 --> 0:02:52.960 Schedule it in, go to honey, go to spend five 0:02:53.040 --> 0:02:54.520 hundred dollars on some lingerie. 0:02:55.080 --> 0:02:57.200 God, it's expensive these days, isn't it. 0:02:57.360 --> 0:02:59.079 I don't think I've ever bought lingerie in my entire 0:02:59.120 --> 0:03:00.480 life because I just refuse. 0:03:01.000 --> 0:03:02.880 Yeah yeah, I mean you can get some really cute 0:03:02.880 --> 0:03:04.760 stuff from bing W. By the way, I was in 0:03:04.800 --> 0:03:06.799 there the other day trying to buy some more I 0:03:06.840 --> 0:03:09.480 think some very unattractive period nickers, and I was like, 0:03:09.560 --> 0:03:12.560 what is that red lace little thing there? For two dollars? 0:03:12.600 --> 0:03:13.480 I will take that. 0:03:14.040 --> 0:03:15.119 Big W for the win. 0:03:15.560 --> 0:03:17.880 Big they were in for the win. But about me? 0:03:18.120 --> 0:03:22.400 So I am Tara, I've been a sex coach for 0:03:22.440 --> 0:03:25.919 over a decade now. I am also a mother of two. 0:03:26.320 --> 0:03:32.240 Very intents we could go with intense big personality, a 0:03:32.320 --> 0:03:34.680 lot of energy kids. I wouldn't have it any other way, 0:03:34.720 --> 0:03:35.880 but it's a lot. 0:03:36.240 --> 0:03:38.720 I always say I'd rather than be intense and boring. 0:03:40.360 --> 0:03:41.440 My kids are definitely not. 0:03:41.600 --> 0:03:43.600 Yeah, they're going to be boring adults and they're not 0:03:43.640 --> 0:03:46.920 going to be dudged people. They've got big personalities. 0:03:46.440 --> 0:03:49.400 They have they have. I've been married for well, we've 0:03:49.400 --> 0:03:52.520 been together for about thirteen years, married for seven, so 0:03:53.480 --> 0:03:58.720 deep in the trenches of navigating parenthood, relationship, our sex, live, 0:03:58.800 --> 0:04:01.520 our intimacy. The thing that lights me up the most 0:04:01.640 --> 0:04:05.200 is working with other mothers and women who feel like 0:04:05.240 --> 0:04:09.360 they've lost desire or spark or intimacy in their relationship, 0:04:09.400 --> 0:04:11.800 who might feel like they're a little bit broken or 0:04:11.840 --> 0:04:14.200 something that you know is wrong with them or wrong 0:04:14.200 --> 0:04:19.360 with their relationship. So I hold workshops around Australia called 0:04:19.400 --> 0:04:23.400 Great Sex Matters. I have online courses, so I kind 0:04:23.440 --> 0:04:27.320 of cover quite a few topics, but mostly my highest 0:04:27.560 --> 0:04:30.280 selling course is called Sex after Kids, which is all 0:04:30.320 --> 0:04:33.600 about sort of unfucking your sex life after kids, because 0:04:33.800 --> 0:04:37.040 it you know, it's hard out there, so this course 0:04:37.080 --> 0:04:39.080 really walks you through the pathway of how you can 0:04:39.160 --> 0:04:41.800 kind of reignite that desire. I've written a book called 0:04:41.800 --> 0:04:44.279 The Better Sex Project, which is all about my journey 0:04:44.360 --> 0:04:47.719 from my early twenties to where I got to now, 0:04:47.760 --> 0:04:49.720 including after having kids and thinking I was just going 0:04:49.760 --> 0:04:52.400 to be this sex goddess after kids. And I was 0:04:52.440 --> 0:04:54.320 a bit of a dickhead for thinking that, I admit. 0:04:54.680 --> 0:04:56.760 So it was a very nice kind of come down 0:04:56.800 --> 0:04:59.160 to earth moment for me. I had a really bad 0:04:59.200 --> 0:05:01.680 prolapse and lost a lot of pleasure and just didn't 0:05:01.680 --> 0:05:04.479 want to be touched and all of those kind of things. So, 0:05:05.279 --> 0:05:08.039 knowing what I know and being able to bring my 0:05:08.160 --> 0:05:10.800 kind of my expertise into a realm that I know 0:05:11.000 --> 0:05:14.599 so well, maybe a little bit too well, I just 0:05:14.720 --> 0:05:16.760 wanted to bring the kind of sex coaching that women 0:05:16.880 --> 0:05:19.680 need and want in this kind of season of their life. 0:05:19.680 --> 0:05:22.440 And that's that, no bullshit, no fluff. We can have 0:05:22.480 --> 0:05:24.240 a laugh, we can have a talk. We don't want 0:05:24.240 --> 0:05:30.160 to get into this kind of really stagnant sterile therapy type, 0:05:30.360 --> 0:05:33.520 high stress environment because I think mums have got enough 0:05:33.560 --> 0:05:37.159 going on. I think that we need actionable tips that 0:05:37.200 --> 0:05:40.000 are sustainable. We don't need to be told that we'll 0:05:40.040 --> 0:05:42.080 just have more sex, just schedule it. In because there's 0:05:42.080 --> 0:05:44.719 a lot of stuff behind the scenes that's going on, 0:05:45.120 --> 0:05:46.920 and I think it helps when you've got somebody telling 0:05:46.920 --> 0:05:48.880 you go, yeah, I fucking get it. I get how 0:05:48.880 --> 0:05:50.599 hard it is. And sometimes you look at your husband 0:05:50.640 --> 0:05:51.720 you want to smash them in the head with a 0:05:51.760 --> 0:05:53.920 fry pan and put the kids in the rubbish bin. 0:05:54.640 --> 0:05:57.160 But we need to kind of do a little tweaking 0:05:57.200 --> 0:05:59.640 here and there. So yeah, that's kind of me, that's 0:05:59.680 --> 0:06:00.480 kind of my vibe. 0:06:00.800 --> 0:06:02.919 And you've got a lot of workshops coming up, so 0:06:02.960 --> 0:06:04.960 I'll make sure that we link that in the show 0:06:05.000 --> 0:06:10.560 notes because I've I reckon after today's session, people are 0:06:10.600 --> 0:06:12.919 either going to go away and have happy humping or 0:06:12.920 --> 0:06:14.640 they'll be like, I need to check myself in. 0:06:15.040 --> 0:06:18.680 I need to check myself in. Well, the workshop is again, 0:06:18.720 --> 0:06:20.960 it's a really good fun girls night out. You can 0:06:21.080 --> 0:06:24.000 have some bubbles, you bring your girls. There are zucchinis 0:06:24.040 --> 0:06:26.839 or carrots involved. Because I give a little demonstration of 0:06:26.839 --> 0:06:30.360 a ligam massage which will blow your pastner's mind. It's 0:06:30.360 --> 0:06:33.800 a linam massage, so it's kind of Lingam is sort 0:06:33.800 --> 0:06:35.640 of the time trick name for penis. It's called the 0:06:35.680 --> 0:06:39.000 wand of Light. Darling, which sounds ridiculous, but believe me, 0:06:39.040 --> 0:06:40.840 it's a very fun night. And what it does is 0:06:40.880 --> 0:06:43.320 it just gives you more tools to make sex interesting 0:06:43.360 --> 0:06:45.640 because I don't know about you, but sex can get 0:06:45.680 --> 0:06:48.360 really fucking boring after a while. When you've been humping 0:06:48.400 --> 0:06:50.960 the same guy for a long time, there's not a 0:06:51.000 --> 0:06:54.040 lot of newness. So in order to bring back newness 0:06:54.040 --> 0:06:56.960 and curiosity and exploration, I give you ways to do 0:06:57.040 --> 0:06:59.479 that in the workshop, and also how to increase your 0:06:59.520 --> 0:07:02.960 own so you take it from those tiny little micro 0:07:03.200 --> 0:07:07.280 orgasms or that really fast two second sparks, like really big, 0:07:07.360 --> 0:07:10.400 full body What the fuck just happened? Blew my mind? 0:07:10.520 --> 0:07:12.360 I'm now on a different level. Can we do that 0:07:12.400 --> 0:07:15.680 again in about three weeks time? You know? So it 0:07:15.800 --> 0:07:17.760 makes sense. That's much interesting. 0:07:18.200 --> 0:07:20.800 You just like also made me feel so much better though, 0:07:20.840 --> 0:07:23.120 because you just said three weeks time, because it's like 0:07:23.600 --> 0:07:27.120 people that say a couple of times a week. I'm like, how, guys, 0:07:27.840 --> 0:07:31.400 for some people, that's so great and so realistic. Because 0:07:31.440 --> 0:07:35.360 I also wanted to ask you because whenever we read anything, 0:07:36.040 --> 0:07:38.240 we will always see, like you know, good sex is 0:07:38.320 --> 0:07:42.760 part of a good relationship, and I have one girlfriend 0:07:43.440 --> 0:07:47.040 out of all of my girlfriends, who is having good, 0:07:47.720 --> 0:07:51.280 regular sex most nights of the week, she's a psychopath. 0:07:51.360 --> 0:07:52.120 I think she's. 0:07:53.720 --> 0:07:56.360 She's got a kid under one, but most nights because 0:07:56.400 --> 0:07:58.360 they almost days, like and they'll actually do it a 0:07:58.360 --> 0:08:01.200 few times. Apart from that, like everyone's kind of like 0:08:01.280 --> 0:08:05.320 every month or every couple of months. But the thing 0:08:05.440 --> 0:08:09.040 is as well, is that out of all of my friends, 0:08:09.440 --> 0:08:13.400 most of them have really happy relationships without having sex. 0:08:13.520 --> 0:08:16.160 So I just want to ask your perspective on that, 0:08:16.240 --> 0:08:18.760 because we're often told that we can't have a happy 0:08:18.800 --> 0:08:20.080 relationship without sex. 0:08:20.640 --> 0:08:23.640 I mean, that's completely untrue because, like yourself, I know 0:08:23.720 --> 0:08:27.600 people that will be intimate together once a month and 0:08:27.600 --> 0:08:30.040 they've got a beautiful relationship. I know people that will 0:08:30.040 --> 0:08:34.440 have sex very frequently, but their relationship is troubled. The 0:08:34.480 --> 0:08:38.559 frequency of sex doesn't tell us anything really about relationship 0:08:38.600 --> 0:08:42.760 satisfaction or sexual satisfaction. Because also, you can be having 0:08:42.760 --> 0:08:44.959 a lot of sex and it can be unrewarding, or 0:08:45.000 --> 0:08:46.800 you're doing it for them, or you're doing it out 0:08:46.800 --> 0:08:49.319 of obligation, or you're doing it with some other kind 0:08:49.360 --> 0:08:51.960 of belief or from a trauma pattern. But you could 0:08:52.040 --> 0:08:55.160 also be having sex every two weeks or every three weeks, 0:08:55.160 --> 0:08:57.640 and it's really connected sex and it brings you guys 0:08:57.640 --> 0:09:00.760 into a really beautiful union, and it's fun and it's playful, 0:09:01.000 --> 0:09:03.040 and that kind of sustains you for the next two 0:09:03.080 --> 0:09:05.240 weeks or the next three weeks. So whenever we look 0:09:05.280 --> 0:09:08.840 at frequency, I mean your friend who has sex quite often, 0:09:08.880 --> 0:09:10.240 that's amazing and if it's. 0:09:10.120 --> 0:09:12.000 Worth and they are very happy as well, by the way, 0:09:12.120 --> 0:09:12.520 that's it. 0:09:13.040 --> 0:09:15.400 Yeah, that is, and it is really important to point 0:09:15.440 --> 0:09:19.440 out that that it's very one size doesn't fit all exactly. Yeah, 0:09:19.520 --> 0:09:21.440 you have to kind of co create the kind of 0:09:21.440 --> 0:09:23.599 sexual relationship that works for both of you in the 0:09:23.640 --> 0:09:27.120 relationship and find compromise and find a balance so that 0:09:27.440 --> 0:09:29.480 one person really wants it all the time and then 0:09:29.559 --> 0:09:31.480 one person doesn't want it all the time. That can 0:09:31.480 --> 0:09:33.160 be a really kind of a bit of a struggle. 0:09:33.360 --> 0:09:34.840 Well that's the position that I'm in. 0:09:35.240 --> 0:09:36.679 So do you want to tell me a little bit 0:09:36.720 --> 0:09:39.240 about where you are with intimacy with your partner? And 0:09:39.240 --> 0:09:40.120 first off, you've got. 0:09:40.040 --> 0:09:43.160 A child, Yes, yes, we have little Lennie. He's three 0:09:43.240 --> 0:09:47.439 years old. He's hilarious. So I thought i'd just start 0:09:47.440 --> 0:09:49.600 by telling you a little bit about my past because 0:09:49.640 --> 0:09:51.319 I think that as well. Like a lot of people, 0:09:51.360 --> 0:09:54.800 if they didn't regularly listen to the show, or if 0:09:54.800 --> 0:09:57.600 someone just met me, they would be like, she is 0:09:57.920 --> 0:10:01.120 an absolute wild cat, and I'm not. I'm very open 0:10:01.120 --> 0:10:04.560 about talking about anything. And I don't know, I guess 0:10:04.600 --> 0:10:07.040 I just come across as like I've got big fake titties, 0:10:07.040 --> 0:10:09.760 So I probably just come across as like really hyper sexual. 0:10:09.800 --> 0:10:13.600 But I genuinely, and I'm saying to this honestly to you, 0:10:14.559 --> 0:10:17.560 if you told me you never have to be touched 0:10:17.640 --> 0:10:19.719 or have sex ever again in your entire life, I 0:10:19.760 --> 0:10:23.160 would be like, oh my god, Thank Heavens, I do 0:10:23.280 --> 0:10:25.959 not want to be touched. 0:10:26.480 --> 0:10:29.480 So when I was thinking about, you know, sharing in. 0:10:29.400 --> 0:10:32.400 This episode, I was like, oh god, I'm really going 0:10:32.480 --> 0:10:36.160 to have to probably share like more of my past. 0:10:36.240 --> 0:10:40.040 And I realized, like, I've never been comfortable sexually. Sex 0:10:40.080 --> 0:10:42.840 has always been a little bit more performative for me. 0:10:43.200 --> 0:10:45.240 So when you were talking about the technique that you 0:10:45.320 --> 0:10:47.199 like to show in your workshop, I'm sure that i'd 0:10:47.240 --> 0:10:49.880 probably have something like that down pat if it's about 0:10:50.000 --> 0:10:52.840 pleasuring a man, because I'm very good at doing that 0:10:52.880 --> 0:10:57.880 and very good at performing. And I have never, I realized, 0:10:57.920 --> 0:11:04.680 had good sex so because I cannot release the inhibitions 0:11:04.880 --> 0:11:07.880 or whatnot. And I've had three very long term relationships, 0:11:07.920 --> 0:11:11.400 and I'd say I've probably orgasmed in my life with 0:11:11.440 --> 0:11:16.120 a partner maybe twenty to thirty times. And that's a 0:11:16.200 --> 0:11:20.800 long time, almost two decades. Oh my god, I'm getting 0:11:20.880 --> 0:11:24.079 on of very regular sex because I've had long term 0:11:24.120 --> 0:11:26.920 boyfriends and when I wasn't, I was quite happy to 0:11:27.080 --> 0:11:29.880 you know, I always was having little flings and such. 0:11:32.280 --> 0:11:34.560 Well, first off, thank you for sharing that, because it 0:11:34.600 --> 0:11:37.840 can feel really vulnerable and scary because other people, you know, 0:11:37.880 --> 0:11:41.120 you worry about what people think, and everybody can when 0:11:41.120 --> 0:11:43.080 they have got this kind of image of you and 0:11:43.120 --> 0:11:46.360 things to break. That is really, you know, really really brave. 0:11:46.440 --> 0:11:48.320 And I bet that there are a lot of women 0:11:48.840 --> 0:11:51.920 that resonate with that, right because our generation, in particular, 0:11:52.320 --> 0:11:55.600 we grew up with sex being a performance. We were 0:11:55.600 --> 0:11:58.800 told by the magazines how to have twenty orgasms while 0:11:58.880 --> 0:12:00.560 standing on your head in the shower, or how to 0:12:00.600 --> 0:12:03.560 pleasure a man. It was always about what we give 0:12:03.760 --> 0:12:06.560 to them, that our sexuality was something we traded. We 0:12:06.600 --> 0:12:08.960 traded it for a nice dinner. We traded it for love, 0:12:09.000 --> 0:12:11.040 we traded it for a text back, we traded it 0:12:11.360 --> 0:12:13.720 for a promotion sometimes if that be the case. But 0:12:14.440 --> 0:12:17.400 we were very much told and sold this idea that 0:12:17.440 --> 0:12:20.960 our sexuality didn't belong to us. It was a trading hard. 0:12:21.040 --> 0:12:22.880 It was something that we did in order to get 0:12:22.920 --> 0:12:26.600 something outside of ourselves in return. So it makes a 0:12:26.600 --> 0:12:29.920 lot of sense that you would feel like that your 0:12:29.960 --> 0:12:32.800 sexuality isn't your own. Yeah, And even if you think 0:12:32.840 --> 0:12:36.640 about sex, the way that we learn how to have sex, 0:12:36.760 --> 0:12:39.000 it can be from movies, it can be from porn. 0:12:39.600 --> 0:12:43.160 We basically get an understanding of our own sexuality and 0:12:43.200 --> 0:12:46.120 our own pleasure and what sex looks like by the 0:12:46.280 --> 0:12:51.120 very people that's job it is to pretend. So we're 0:12:51.200 --> 0:12:54.280 learning from people who are pretending already. So we never 0:12:54.360 --> 0:12:57.320 really as women, get a very We don't get the 0:12:57.320 --> 0:13:02.280 opportunity to form a really authentic sexuality, knowing what we like, 0:13:02.440 --> 0:13:05.400 knowing what we don't like, knowing what we need, want, desire, 0:13:05.760 --> 0:13:09.000 knowing that we deserve all of those things. We are 0:13:09.040 --> 0:13:13.320 not educated in the way that a lot of teens 0:13:13.400 --> 0:13:16.640 and young adults are educated now. They're given a much 0:13:16.679 --> 0:13:20.280 more rounded, holistic view, much more empowerment, much more liberation 0:13:20.520 --> 0:13:23.440 around it. Yes, we had empowerment growing up, but it 0:13:23.480 --> 0:13:25.880 was always you can go and fuck like a man, right, 0:13:26.440 --> 0:13:28.280 And for a lot of women, fucking like a man 0:13:28.679 --> 0:13:31.920 isn't actually doing anything for them. You know, we don't 0:13:32.000 --> 0:13:34.600 want to rush in their hot and heavy and get 0:13:34.600 --> 0:13:36.960 the shit banged out of us somethings. Yeah, we need 0:13:37.040 --> 0:13:41.400 different a different way. So it doesn't shock me that 0:13:41.440 --> 0:13:46.520 you haven't learnt what really is Kelly's true sexuality, What 0:13:46.559 --> 0:13:48.720 does she need in order to feel safe, Because what 0:13:48.760 --> 0:13:52.200 I'm hearing is if you're drinking, if you're feeling like 0:13:52.280 --> 0:13:55.640 you can't let go, that's a safety thing. You don't trust. 0:13:55.679 --> 0:13:58.160 You don't trust that it's safe to be in your body. 0:13:58.160 --> 0:14:00.240 You don't trust that it's safe to be sexual. Or 0:14:00.280 --> 0:14:02.480 maybe there's been trauma in the past. Maybe there's been 0:14:03.040 --> 0:14:05.800 and that can range from anything from severe sexual trauma 0:14:05.840 --> 0:14:07.720 to like a slap on the bum going on the 0:14:07.720 --> 0:14:10.240 bus when you didn't want it, or comments, hey big tits, 0:14:10.280 --> 0:14:12.000 blah blah blah blah, you know all of that stuff 0:14:12.120 --> 0:14:14.960 that makes you go, oh god, that's scary, that's invasive. 0:14:15.000 --> 0:14:16.800 I'm going to shut that part of myself and I'm 0:14:16.840 --> 0:14:19.160 going to stuff it right down below so no one 0:14:19.240 --> 0:14:21.520 can can touch it and I don't have to feel it. 0:14:22.280 --> 0:14:26.960 So that safety and allowing yourself to really come into 0:14:27.000 --> 0:14:30.600 pleasure is important because without safety, we can't trust, and 0:14:30.640 --> 0:14:33.680 without trust, there's no connection, no connection to your body, 0:14:33.720 --> 0:14:36.880 no connection to your partner, and then without connection, you 0:14:36.920 --> 0:14:40.800 won't be able to surrender, surrender to pleasure, surrender to orgasm, 0:14:41.200 --> 0:14:44.080 surrender to having those kind of experiences that would make 0:14:44.160 --> 0:14:46.800 sex worthwhile. Does that make sense? 0:14:46.920 --> 0:14:49.000 Like why would I want to do it on the 0:14:49.080 --> 0:14:51.640 rag when it's like, oh my god, it's just literally 0:14:51.720 --> 0:14:54.840 another thing to put on my to do list because 0:14:55.000 --> 0:14:57.200 I don't get anything out of it. What you just 0:14:57.240 --> 0:15:02.640 said makes so much sense because my husband literally would 0:15:02.720 --> 0:15:05.720 do anything to make me feel as safe as possible, 0:15:06.280 --> 0:15:09.080 and I know how to get pleasure, like if I'm 0:15:09.120 --> 0:15:13.640 by myself, I have no problem orgasmine. I've got no problem, 0:15:13.760 --> 0:15:15.440 Like I can get there in under a minute, like 0:15:15.480 --> 0:15:17.040 it's no dramas. 0:15:17.080 --> 0:15:18.880 So that makes a lot of sense. 0:15:19.560 --> 0:15:22.120 Yeah, So, just going back to when you were saying 0:15:22.120 --> 0:15:24.240 that you feel like sex is a chore, like something 0:15:24.280 --> 0:15:27.080 to do on your to do list. What is it 0:15:27.160 --> 0:15:30.320 about sex that makes it feel like a chore for you? 0:15:30.520 --> 0:15:33.480 Is it because it's coming the initiation and the invitation 0:15:33.600 --> 0:15:35.120 for sex is coming from your husband. 0:15:36.200 --> 0:15:38.960 I think it's just like it's a job that I 0:15:39.080 --> 0:15:41.160 will be doing that I don't get anything out of 0:15:41.560 --> 0:15:45.040 except for getting him off my back for twenty four hours. 0:15:45.040 --> 0:15:48.560 Because the sex doesn't feel super rewarding. 0:15:49.040 --> 0:15:50.480 Oh god, it's not rewarding at all. 0:15:50.560 --> 0:15:53.360 No, yeah, okay, And so that again makes complete sense. 0:15:53.400 --> 0:15:55.240 No wonder. It feels like a chore and an obligation 0:15:55.320 --> 0:15:57.920 because we very rarely move towards something we don't like. 0:15:58.240 --> 0:16:00.600 You know, I hate tomatoes. For example, I'm not going 0:16:00.640 --> 0:16:02.680 to go into my kitchen right now pick up a tomato. 0:16:02.960 --> 0:16:05.600 But if my husband's like, please eat this tomato, please, 0:16:05.640 --> 0:16:07.640 and you're like, oh fuck it, he's really in tomatoes. 0:16:08.000 --> 0:16:09.440 And then you take a bite it and you go, okay, 0:16:09.440 --> 0:16:13.120 I'm eating it for you. But let's just say, instead 0:16:13.160 --> 0:16:15.600 of making me or me feeling like I have to 0:16:15.600 --> 0:16:18.600 eat that tomato, if my husband took that tomato and 0:16:18.840 --> 0:16:22.320 he chopped it all up and he drizzled bousamic all 0:16:22.360 --> 0:16:25.480 over it, and he put mint on it, or basil 0:16:25.680 --> 0:16:29.200 and a nice piece of sourdough that was fresh out 0:16:29.240 --> 0:16:31.320 of the oven. You can guarantee I'm going to eat 0:16:31.360 --> 0:16:34.880 that thing like no tomorrow. Yeah, I would devour it. 0:16:34.880 --> 0:16:38.720 It's the same thing, it's just presented and created differently. 0:16:38.840 --> 0:16:42.320 It's using different flavors, it's using different ingredients. So I 0:16:42.400 --> 0:16:46.560 wonder that if sex felt rewarding, if it felt pleasurable, 0:16:46.640 --> 0:16:49.880 if you've got to the end of an encounter, sexual experience, 0:16:49.960 --> 0:16:53.880 encounter with your husband and was like, that felt so good, 0:16:53.920 --> 0:16:57.320 my body feels alive, I feel or maybe you cry 0:16:57.400 --> 0:16:59.720 and you release some of this kind of grief intension 0:16:59.720 --> 0:17:01.760 that you're holding in your body because it's been so 0:17:01.880 --> 0:17:04.680 long that you felt safe enough to kind of go 0:17:04.800 --> 0:17:07.560 down into that depth of your body and your soul. 0:17:08.240 --> 0:17:10.960 Whether sex like that would feel more enticing if there 0:17:11.040 --> 0:17:13.520 was no pressure, there was no obligation, it was just 0:17:13.560 --> 0:17:17.600 simply something that brought you, guys, pleasure, joy, connection, playfulness, 0:17:18.160 --> 0:17:19.480 release that kind of thing. 0:17:19.920 --> 0:17:22.679 Definitely, Yeah, yeah, of course. 0:17:23.000 --> 0:17:25.920 But then I'm like, I don't know how to because 0:17:25.960 --> 0:17:28.199 like everything that he wants to do, like I just 0:17:28.240 --> 0:17:31.720 I don't even want to be touched. Everything's just like, oh, 0:17:32.080 --> 0:17:33.920 I've got real and I know that I do. I've 0:17:33.920 --> 0:17:36.760 got like real intimacy problems. It's only getting worse as 0:17:36.800 --> 0:17:39.640 I'm getting older. And I hate that I've turned into 0:17:40.440 --> 0:17:42.720 the mum that never wants to have sex, you know, 0:17:42.840 --> 0:17:45.480 like it's just such a cliche. I hate that I've 0:17:45.480 --> 0:17:46.520 turned into that person. 0:17:47.440 --> 0:17:49.320 Yeah, they're not wanting to be touched, though. I think 0:17:49.440 --> 0:17:51.840 is really really common because it's sort of the same 0:17:51.960 --> 0:17:55.120 kind of thing when women say I'm too tired for sex, right, 0:17:55.960 --> 0:17:58.679 So there's being that kind of too tired for sex, 0:17:58.920 --> 0:18:02.760 and then there's feeling overwhelmed. Now when you say that 0:18:02.840 --> 0:18:05.879 your partner when he touches you, you don't want to 0:18:05.920 --> 0:18:08.119 be touched. Is it because you're feeling in your body 0:18:08.200 --> 0:18:12.480 overwhelmed by what's happened during the day, or that you're 0:18:12.520 --> 0:18:15.520 overwhelmed by what's going on in your mind? Or is 0:18:15.560 --> 0:18:19.680 it something that if somebody else, if Chris Hemsworth walked 0:18:19.680 --> 0:18:22.720 in and started stroking, would you still have that kind 0:18:22.720 --> 0:18:26.119 of inner battle? Well, I admitted this on a different 0:18:26.280 --> 0:18:28.960 episode and Luke heard it and was like what. 0:18:29.080 --> 0:18:30.919 And I was like, I've got to be honest about this. 0:18:31.040 --> 0:18:32.600 But I was like, oh, I reckon. 0:18:32.640 --> 0:18:35.480 I could totally have like loose sex with a stranger 0:18:35.480 --> 0:18:38.760 in a hotel room because that person doesn't know anything 0:18:38.800 --> 0:18:43.240 about me. They have got no idea about my moods, 0:18:43.400 --> 0:18:46.720 and I don't argue with that person about rubbish or 0:18:46.800 --> 0:18:50.280 they don't know what I do for work, like absolutely nothing. However, 0:18:51.359 --> 0:18:54.119 to get really intimate and like let someone like kiss 0:18:54.200 --> 0:18:57.680 my body or something, I'd still have to be inebriated 0:18:57.840 --> 0:19:01.320 to really let it happen and not be grown stout. Yeah, 0:19:01.320 --> 0:19:04.040 because I've just gotten to a stage where any intimate 0:19:04.080 --> 0:19:08.080 act is just like ough. And do you know why 0:19:08.280 --> 0:19:11.439 does it feel like it's a transgression on your space? 0:19:11.560 --> 0:19:13.199 Does it feel like it sends you into a bit 0:19:13.240 --> 0:19:18.040 of a flighty response, like a flea or a fight 0:19:18.119 --> 0:19:22.119 or flight kind of nervous system response. Yeah, like a 0:19:22.440 --> 0:19:24.720 I freeze up and I'm like, I don't know it, 0:19:24.920 --> 0:19:27.439 just like I haven't let my husband go down on 0:19:27.520 --> 0:19:30.520 me for like since before I was pregnant, because I'm 0:19:30.520 --> 0:19:32.840 just like, oh my god, yuck, like yuk, yuk, yuck, yuck, 0:19:32.920 --> 0:19:36.040 chuck it just the whole thing. I'm just like ill, no, 0:19:36.400 --> 0:19:37.040 please don't. 0:19:37.680 --> 0:19:38.199 I used to. 0:19:38.400 --> 0:19:40.439 Of course I would enjoy it, but I was always 0:19:40.440 --> 0:19:42.080 like weird about it. I was like, I need a 0:19:42.080 --> 0:19:44.960 pillow over my face. I can't like music needs to 0:19:44.960 --> 0:19:47.679 be up very loud. It's like I've just got this 0:19:47.840 --> 0:19:51.080 block where as soon as something's really intimate, I can't 0:19:52.040 --> 0:19:54.720 let it go. Like I would rather have sex from 0:19:54.760 --> 0:19:57.119 behind so that I don't have to look at anyone. 0:19:57.200 --> 0:19:58.679