WEBVTT - Bonus: Is Your Relationship In The Room-Mate Phase 0:00:21.330 --> 0:00:24.370 So you're listening to another Mia podcast. 0:00:25.170 --> 0:00:28.450 Mamma Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land. We 0:00:28.570 --> 0:00:31.930 have recorded this podcast on the Gatagul people of the 0:00:31.970 --> 0:00:35.690 Eur Nation. We pay our respects to their elders past 0:00:35.730 --> 0:00:39.370 and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and 0:00:39.410 --> 0:00:41.170 Torres Rate islander cultures. 0:00:41.490 --> 0:00:45.650 Hi, I'm Analie's todd, host of Mamma MIA's parenting podcast 0:00:45.930 --> 0:00:49.330 This Glorious Mess. I'm a single mum to two twin 0:00:49.410 --> 0:00:52.010 boys and a longtime listener of Hell. I have a 0:00:52.050 --> 0:00:56.650 teenager bracing myself for the years ahead. I'm popping into 0:00:56.690 --> 0:00:59.450 your feed today to share an episode of This Glorious 0:00:59.490 --> 0:01:02.690 Mess that I think you'll really enjoy. Your kids might 0:01:02.730 --> 0:01:05.290 be a bit older and you're back in the routine 0:01:05.330 --> 0:01:10.730 of life, work, kids, chores. But how's your relationship? Has 0:01:10.770 --> 0:01:13.850 it started to feel more like your roommates and partners 0:01:14.170 --> 0:01:18.890 or lovers? In this week's episode, we explore the warning 0:01:18.930 --> 0:01:21.730 signs of slipping into the room mate face and how 0:01:21.730 --> 0:01:25.130 to stay connected with your partner. We even wrap up 0:01:25.170 --> 0:01:27.770 with a little tune to bring some light and shade 0:01:27.810 --> 0:01:28.610 to the conversation. 0:01:29.010 --> 0:01:38.370 Hope you enjoy it. Hello and welcome to this glorious mess. 0:01:38.450 --> 0:01:42.410 We're embracing the chaos together. We're ditching the judgment. I'm 0:01:42.410 --> 0:01:46.730 Analis todd and fifty percent of the time I live alone, 0:01:47.010 --> 0:01:49.610 no roommates, not even teeny tiny ones, just me. 0:01:49.730 --> 0:01:52.850 I'm teaking it tollly, and I have so many roommates. 0:01:52.970 --> 0:01:56.930 My house is basically a giant game of musical beds, 0:01:56.970 --> 0:02:01.250 and not in the swinging kind. I'm talking about my 0:02:01.370 --> 0:02:04.810 three little kids and husband. And husband's there as well, 0:02:04.810 --> 0:02:07.810 but between us, all new bed, new night. You don't 0:02:07.810 --> 0:02:09.650 even know who you're waking up next to. It's Lucky 0:02:09.690 --> 0:02:10.410 Dip every. 0:02:10.290 --> 0:02:11.930 Day, just without the keys in the bowl. 0:02:12.410 --> 0:02:15.850 So today on the show, we're talking about the roommate 0:02:15.970 --> 0:02:17.930 face of relationship. 0:02:18.130 --> 0:02:22.130 Sure, what is it? The signs you might be in one, 0:02:22.290 --> 0:02:26.010 And we're going to chat to a dad about his experience. 0:02:25.570 --> 0:02:28.250 Of the roommate phase from his first marriage and the 0:02:28.290 --> 0:02:31.170 steps he's taking to ensure that he doesn't fall into 0:02:31.210 --> 0:02:32.450 the same patterns with his new wife. 0:02:32.650 --> 0:02:32.890 Looks. 0:02:32.930 --> 0:02:35.130 So, I feel like we've all Even if you're not 0:02:35.250 --> 0:02:37.970 there now, I feel like you've been there, whether it's 0:02:38.010 --> 0:02:41.730 been fleeting or you know, a month or a year, 0:02:41.930 --> 0:02:46.010 you've been there. It's either made or broken you. 0:02:46.290 --> 0:02:46.530 Yeah. 0:02:46.530 --> 0:02:48.650 But we're going to get into the nitty gritty of 0:02:48.650 --> 0:02:52.010 what it is a little bit later. But first, here's 0:02:52.050 --> 0:02:56.850 what's happening in my group chat. So Tea's there was 0:02:56.930 --> 0:02:59.290 a viral thread on Reddit. You know you love a 0:02:59.370 --> 0:03:02.170 viral I do. I love a thread. It's been lighting 0:03:02.250 --> 0:03:05.330 up my group chat because a woman asks the Reddit 0:03:05.410 --> 0:03:09.410 group chat, which is the Internet, if she's overreacting and 0:03:09.850 --> 0:03:14.210 she's considering divorce. So her husband secretly ate her meals 0:03:14.290 --> 0:03:18.290 that she had prepped for herself post surgery recovery. She'd 0:03:18.330 --> 0:03:20.010 been on a liquid diet and was looking forward to 0:03:20.090 --> 0:03:23.490 eating solid And he originally blamed their eleven year old 0:03:23.610 --> 0:03:28.290 child and pretended he did, like the dog ate my 0:03:28.290 --> 0:03:32.010 homework the kid surgery meal prepped meals, but she realized 0:03:32.050 --> 0:03:33.810 it couldn't be true because it was like healthy things 0:03:33.850 --> 0:03:35.810 like salmon, and their eleven year old doesn't eat that. 0:03:36.290 --> 0:03:38.090 And when he finally admitted it. 0:03:38.490 --> 0:03:40.850 He said it was because he was too bored and 0:03:40.930 --> 0:03:43.930 tired to make his lunches for work. My group chat 0:03:43.970 --> 0:03:46.490 has decided this is a divorceable offense. 0:03:46.610 --> 0:03:47.250 Do you agree? 0:03:47.530 --> 0:03:49.570 It's a very selfish thing to do. 0:03:49.810 --> 0:03:52.530 The optics aren't good. There's a lot of red flags here. 0:03:53.170 --> 0:03:58.210 It's definitely flaggable. I can't make the decision, but he's 0:03:59.250 --> 0:04:03.850 a line approved, so TIGS. There was a Mama Mere 0:04:04.010 --> 0:04:11.050 article that went viral recently. Again, it was by back Day, 0:04:11.210 --> 0:04:13.170 and she had some advice on how to survive the 0:04:13.290 --> 0:04:17.210 room mate phase by relationship coach Meg's Dixon. So what 0:04:17.410 --> 0:04:19.890 is the room mate phase? It sounds it is what 0:04:19.930 --> 0:04:22.330 it does the team as I'm saying, So, it's when 0:04:22.330 --> 0:04:25.010 your partner has become more like a friend and you're 0:04:25.050 --> 0:04:27.090 just two people who happen to live in the same 0:04:27.130 --> 0:04:32.810 house and share responsibilities. Life has become comfortable and it 0:04:32.850 --> 0:04:34.730 can make it really easy to feel complacent. 0:04:35.410 --> 0:04:38.130 Now they've even referred to this as roommates syndrome. 0:04:38.530 --> 0:04:39.810 I think it is a syndrome. 0:04:40.010 --> 0:04:43.810 Yeah, I wonder if there's variables of this, as I 0:04:43.850 --> 0:04:46.290 mentioned earlier, like, you know, can it be fleeting, can 0:04:46.330 --> 0:04:48.930 it be you know, when there's a newborn. How long 0:04:49.010 --> 0:04:50.930 is too long to be in that phase? Because I'm 0:04:50.930 --> 0:04:53.970 sure every single relationship would go through this phase, kids 0:04:54.050 --> 0:04:57.370 or no kids. There's sometimes where you're busy, I'm busy, 0:04:58.010 --> 0:05:00.250 where ships in the night, we barely see each other, 0:05:00.290 --> 0:05:02.490 we haven't had a meal together for a while. Things 0:05:02.530 --> 0:05:05.290 are a lot at the moment, but then you just go, oh, 0:05:05.330 --> 0:05:08.370 you know what, we're just disconnected and we're roommates. Let's 0:05:08.370 --> 0:05:10.410 call it quits when is too long. 0:05:10.810 --> 0:05:13.370 As the cautionary tale of the only divorced person in 0:05:13.410 --> 0:05:17.730 the room, I would say that just in general, my 0:05:17.850 --> 0:05:22.650 advice is any issue in a relationship or a marriage, 0:05:22.690 --> 0:05:26.370 if it gets or goes left untreated, head in the sand, 0:05:27.330 --> 0:05:29.850 it just shouldn't be. Things need to be tackled, Things 0:05:29.850 --> 0:05:32.250 need to be dealt with and worked on. When you've 0:05:32.290 --> 0:05:35.850 got really young children, that trenchy phase as we call 0:05:35.890 --> 0:05:39.970 it in the trenches, roommate syndrome or phase, definitely, I 0:05:39.970 --> 0:05:43.170 would say peaks because you're just so busy and tired, 0:05:43.250 --> 0:05:45.690 and the kids are so physically demanding, and so all 0:05:45.730 --> 0:05:48.250 of your energy goes into taking care of the little people, 0:05:48.810 --> 0:05:50.850 and it can be really hard to fit in things 0:05:50.850 --> 0:05:53.650 like date night and were you just literally a conversations 0:05:53.650 --> 0:05:55.050 of logistics. 0:05:54.570 --> 0:05:58.850 And I'm sure to many listeners roommates is even fun. 0:05:58.890 --> 0:06:02.050 That's a step up from housemates, because you know, especially 0:06:02.050 --> 0:06:04.010 when you're in that trench period. And like I mentioned, 0:06:04.050 --> 0:06:07.330 sometimes we're musical beds. Sometimes my husband's not even my roommate, 0:06:07.410 --> 0:06:09.730 he's just my housemate. I'm like, babe, Like I don't 0:06:09.730 --> 0:06:11.370 even know what room he's ended up in, what bet 0:06:11.490 --> 0:06:12.170 he's in, you know. 0:06:12.890 --> 0:06:14.810 So it does get really tricky. 0:06:15.130 --> 0:06:17.050 So these are some of the common signs you might 0:06:17.050 --> 0:06:23.250 be experiencing roommates syndrome. Okay, so struggling to communicate, and 0:06:23.290 --> 0:06:27.210 that's obviously more than just surface logistic level. It's actually 0:06:27.250 --> 0:06:29.250 having those connected conversations. 0:06:29.330 --> 0:06:32.050 Yeah, yep, not just like how is your day. 0:06:32.730 --> 0:06:34.410 And the washing needs and the dry cleaning and the. 0:06:34.570 --> 0:06:37.130 So it needs to be things that you wouldn't actually 0:06:37.170 --> 0:06:38.610 talk to your roommate about. 0:06:39.090 --> 0:06:42.690 Yes, it's the intimacy is the dividing factor of the 0:06:42.770 --> 0:06:44.930 roommates and relate what. 0:06:44.970 --> 0:06:46.610 Are you actually communicating about. 0:06:46.850 --> 0:06:51.090 Yeah, obviously, feeling less intimate, that's an obvious one. Feeling 0:06:51.090 --> 0:06:52.730 like there's no affection or romance. 0:06:53.810 --> 0:06:54.490 I struggle with. 0:06:54.490 --> 0:06:57.890 This, feeling like your lives aside from your mutual obligations 0:06:57.890 --> 0:07:00.410 and a lot of time obviously that's children are separate. 0:07:01.530 --> 0:07:04.810 I feel like having a level of independence is a 0:07:04.850 --> 0:07:07.850 good thing, you shouldn't be each other's everything. 0:07:08.130 --> 0:07:10.010 And I think in this case, it's not like, oh, 0:07:10.050 --> 0:07:12.330 we shouldn't be doing those separate things. It's more like 0:07:12.450 --> 0:07:14.370 I have no idea what you're doing. Like you kind 0:07:14.370 --> 0:07:15.650 of get home at the end of the day and 0:07:15.690 --> 0:07:17.650 you're like, how is your day? How is your day? 0:07:18.170 --> 0:07:20.850 And you're like, good, it's just such separate life. 0:07:21.330 --> 0:07:23.890 Like I think as well to use like a Gray's 0:07:23.890 --> 0:07:27.730 Anatomy analogy, it's like they need to feel like your person. 0:07:28.130 --> 0:07:31.010 They're the first person that you want to tell the 0:07:31.050 --> 0:07:34.090 exciting stuff yeah, and whinge about the minutia of your day. 0:07:34.210 --> 0:07:36.010 And I'm sure a lot of mums who are at 0:07:36.010 --> 0:07:39.650 home raising little kids while they're partner, or dads while 0:07:39.650 --> 0:07:43.970 their partner's working. This can sometimes be a real side 0:07:43.970 --> 0:07:46.890 effect of that lack of communication, because you know, they're 0:07:46.930 --> 0:07:52.330 off working and socializing and dealing with people and having conversations, 0:07:52.410 --> 0:07:54.250 and they'll come home and you'll be like, how's your day, 0:07:54.250 --> 0:07:56.530 and they've got stories to tell, and if you're at 0:07:56.570 --> 0:07:58.970 home with baby or you've been to the park, you're 0:07:59.010 --> 0:08:02.090 kind of like, not much to talk. 0:08:02.370 --> 0:08:07.810 He ate his soup for lunch. You kind of run 0:08:07.850 --> 0:08:09.850 out of things to say when you're in that period. 0:08:10.090 --> 0:08:11.170 I've definitely been there. 0:08:11.370 --> 0:08:13.170 So another one of the signs is feeling like the 0:08:13.210 --> 0:08:16.650 relationship isn't a priority. It should be a priority to 0:08:17.890 --> 0:08:21.290 make time away from the children. The house so hard though. 0:08:21.410 --> 0:08:23.850 Yes, feeling like you have support or. 0:08:23.890 --> 0:08:28.530 Feeling like you don't have support is the sign that 0:08:29.090 --> 0:08:33.410 this could be roommate syndrome or phase. Yeah, Okay, What 0:08:33.490 --> 0:08:36.650 I want to know as someone who is divorced, who 0:08:36.930 --> 0:08:41.010 is in a honeymoon phase in a new relationship, how 0:08:41.050 --> 0:08:44.530 do you not let that go? Because I don't want 0:08:44.570 --> 0:08:45.730 to let it go. 0:08:45.730 --> 0:08:50.050 And it's gonna I hate to be glass half full, 0:08:50.170 --> 0:08:51.090 but empty. 0:08:51.170 --> 0:08:51.730 That's empty. 0:08:52.610 --> 0:08:55.410 I think we all think that the honeymoon period's going 0:08:55.450 --> 0:08:56.370 to last, don't we. 0:08:56.730 --> 0:08:59.690 But what I would like to find out from our 0:08:59.730 --> 0:09:03.090 next guest, Tom, who has been through a divorce, who 0:09:03.250 --> 0:09:07.530 is remarried and had young children with someone else, how has. 0:09:07.570 --> 0:09:09.530 That was lucky? You had a practice run, didn't he? 0:09:09.610 --> 0:09:11.210 Well, that's what I'm hoping I did. 0:09:11.370 --> 0:09:15.410 Well, see this is this is this is my theory. Right. 0:09:15.490 --> 0:09:18.450 So for my husband and I we moved pretty quickly 0:09:18.490 --> 0:09:21.490 like we're like honeymoon phase and then gauge, which is 0:09:21.530 --> 0:09:22.690 like still honeymoon phase. 0:09:22.730 --> 0:09:24.250 And then a year later married. 0:09:24.490 --> 0:09:26.730 By our first wedding anniversary we had two kids, but 0:09:26.810 --> 0:09:29.210 our second wedding anniversary we had three kids. 0:09:29.610 --> 0:09:32.290 We were on like the roller coaster of life. 0:09:32.650 --> 0:09:36.290 And so I think that's come down of that this 0:09:36.410 --> 0:09:39.530 is the best and it's going so fast and it's amazing, 0:09:40.050 --> 0:09:41.810 and you know, not saying that the kids are a 0:09:41.850 --> 0:09:43.930 low in life, but it's a lot when you're looking 0:09:43.970 --> 0:09:48.010 at your relationship while having kids, especially my case three 0:09:48.090 --> 0:09:52.730 kids really close together one hundred percent, the trenches affect 0:09:52.850 --> 0:09:54.050 this so much. 0:09:54.290 --> 0:09:57.610 Yeah, that's the most critical stage because in most partnerships 0:09:57.650 --> 0:10:02.650 it is gendered, and you've got domestic inequality, you've got exhaustion, 0:10:03.250 --> 0:10:07.290 and those combinations of things then bottle up to resentment. Yeah, 0:10:07.330 --> 0:10:10.050 and that's when you're not having those conversations and you're 0:10:10.090 --> 0:10:13.370 not communicating about the issues. That's when you can slip 0:10:13.410 --> 0:10:15.650 into the room mate, because you're just not addressing the elephant. 0:10:15.850 --> 0:10:17.690 Yeah, and it does come down to both of you 0:10:17.770 --> 0:10:20.170 as well. You're both in this relationship. If one of 0:10:20.210 --> 0:10:22.690 you is the ones overworked, or one of you feels 0:10:22.730 --> 0:10:24.330 like the other needs a break from the kids. 0:10:24.330 --> 0:10:24.770 Like, that's what I. 0:10:24.770 --> 0:10:27.010 Always say to Jason whenever we're having issues, I'm like, 0:10:27.250 --> 0:10:30.050 the only ones that can fix this is us, right, Like, 0:10:30.130 --> 0:10:33.370 we are responsible for our relationship. So if we want 0:10:33.370 --> 0:10:35.330 to do better, we need to book a date night, 0:10:35.450 --> 0:10:37.730 or we need to go away for a couple of days, 0:10:37.810 --> 0:10:39.170 or we need to have a conversation. 0:10:39.650 --> 0:10:41.890 So I'm interested to speak to our guest today. Who 0:10:41.970 --> 0:10:44.370 is a male? A male? 0:10:44.610 --> 0:10:48.010 A male on this glorious Oh my god, our father, Well, 0:10:48.090 --> 0:10:51.010 I never he's going to come in and we're going 0:10:51.090 --> 0:10:56.090 to hear what he does to avoid room mate, housemate? 0:10:56.250 --> 0:10:57.250 What are we roommate? 0:10:57.530 --> 0:11:02.050 Roommate face? And we're saving relationships around Australia. Glorious mess. 0:11:02.050 --> 0:11:11.730 It's serious. So we're a. 0:11:11.610 --> 0:11:13.970 Big family here at this glorious mess. 0:11:14.130 --> 0:11:18.090 And we've invited one of our pod producers today. 0:11:18.530 --> 0:11:21.210 Who is a boy or man? 0:11:21.330 --> 0:11:21.890 A man? 0:11:22.090 --> 0:11:24.970 He's a man, he's a male for something fun? 0:11:24.970 --> 0:11:30.290 I'm father, Yeah, so Tom, welcome to this glorious miss Hello. 0:11:30.370 --> 0:11:34.090 Hello, so good to finally say good eight to you guys. 0:11:34.210 --> 0:11:35.370 I'm an avid listener. 0:11:35.530 --> 0:11:37.890 Now we've got you and we're gonna pick your brain. 0:11:38.130 --> 0:11:40.970 Yes, we want your male perspective. So let's just set 0:11:41.130 --> 0:11:43.250 a little bit up about you, Tommy. So you are 0:11:43.290 --> 0:11:44.490 a father of three. 0:11:44.770 --> 0:11:47.570 Yeah, so it's all happening in my house. I'll give 0:11:47.610 --> 0:11:50.810 you the quick spells. So I've got my seventeen year 0:11:50.810 --> 0:11:54.610 old daughter, Nala. I had her when I was so young. 0:11:54.810 --> 0:11:58.330 I was nineteen years old, so we've grown up together 0:11:58.610 --> 0:12:00.010 and we're really close. 0:12:00.130 --> 0:12:02.130 So that's amazing for us. 0:12:02.330 --> 0:12:04.850 My two little ones, Donnie and Join the're five and three, 0:12:05.330 --> 0:12:07.490 and yeah, we're right in it, like they've reached a 0:12:07.570 --> 0:12:11.170 stage now where they're kind of collaborating. I'm always hearing 0:12:11.170 --> 0:12:14.170 these kind of whispers around the corner, like you run that. 0:12:14.090 --> 0:12:17.130 Way, I'll go that way. You throw the water on him, man, 0:12:17.250 --> 0:12:18.730 he won't catch us. 0:12:18.410 --> 0:12:22.410 And that's kind of what I'm competing with my lovely wife, Jessica, 0:12:22.690 --> 0:12:25.930 who is, to be honest, a lot smarter than me. 0:12:26.570 --> 0:12:27.930 And for her, I'm. 0:12:27.810 --> 0:12:31.530 Probably just like this project that she's working on and 0:12:31.610 --> 0:12:32.610 she's being patient. 0:12:32.730 --> 0:12:33.690 So that's me. 0:12:34.130 --> 0:12:36.530 And so Tommy take us through. So you had Nyla 0:12:36.610 --> 0:12:39.010 and you were very very young. You're not currently with 0:12:39.050 --> 0:12:41.450 her mother? Yeah, yeah, so that was your first marriage. 0:12:41.850 --> 0:12:44.930 Was my first love. We didn't get married, it's. 0:12:44.730 --> 0:12:46.850 The same same you have a kid together, the rest 0:12:46.930 --> 0:12:48.450 is paperwork, that's right. 0:12:48.530 --> 0:12:51.210 Yeah, it's all admin from that point. But we had 0:12:51.290 --> 0:12:55.170 Nala so young, but it was really a blessing in disguise. 0:12:55.490 --> 0:12:58.250 So in that first relationship where you had a child 0:12:58.250 --> 0:13:00.450 with someone, would you say that you fell into what 0:13:00.570 --> 0:13:03.330 we're sort of coining and has been coined the roommate 0:13:03.410 --> 0:13:04.570 fase and the relationship? 0:13:04.970 --> 0:13:08.610 Oh man, Yeah, that is really deep for me because 0:13:08.850 --> 0:13:10.690 I think that would have been the purpose the reason 0:13:11.250 --> 0:13:15.050 why we ended up separating. And we're great friends now, 0:13:15.370 --> 0:13:19.010 of course, but we definitely fell into that, and my 0:13:19.210 --> 0:13:21.850 wife and I now we're so hyper aware of it 0:13:21.890 --> 0:13:25.690 because we've both been through that. If you compare when 0:13:25.690 --> 0:13:28.890 you first fall in love and you're kind of like 0:13:29.250 --> 0:13:31.890 drunk on love, comparing to those signs. 0:13:31.890 --> 0:13:33.490 When Jess and I first got. 0:13:33.370 --> 0:13:37.090 Together, we were myopic and oblivious to everything around us, 0:13:37.610 --> 0:13:40.810 hooking up everywhere, and then to now we've got these 0:13:40.850 --> 0:13:44.570 little people who are trying to break your spirit, trying 0:13:44.610 --> 0:13:48.370 to undermine your productivity everywhere, and those aren't conditions for 0:13:49.090 --> 0:13:50.010 romance at all. 0:13:50.570 --> 0:13:53.010 So yeah, we're definitely aware of that. 0:13:53.530 --> 0:13:55.450 Since you are both so aware of it. What are 0:13:55.450 --> 0:13:58.370 some of the things that you can know or like, 0:13:58.410 --> 0:14:00.890 that's it, we're getting into a bad habit here, or 0:14:01.250 --> 0:14:03.650 what are some of the signs and triggers I suppose 0:14:03.730 --> 0:14:06.290 for you and how do you sort of counteract those? 0:14:06.650 --> 0:14:10.250 Yeah, so a premise this for saying I'm not an expert. 0:14:10.410 --> 0:14:13.770 In fact, I'm probably the opposite of an expert. 0:14:13.930 --> 0:14:15.010 But yeah, once short. 0:14:14.890 --> 0:14:16.810 Sign is you walk past them in the hallway and 0:14:16.850 --> 0:14:18.370 they punch you in the shoulder. 0:14:18.090 --> 0:14:19.250 And say, get a champ. 0:14:19.610 --> 0:14:22.490 That's very friends Yeah, very friend zone. 0:14:22.770 --> 0:14:27.490 But you know, intuitively, like if you feel that spark disappear. 0:14:28.130 --> 0:14:31.050 And one thing that we've been trying to do that 0:14:31.130 --> 0:14:35.730 I heard from this psychologist is called the six second kiss. 0:14:36.610 --> 0:14:39.250 And as you get on in a relationship, you kind 0:14:39.250 --> 0:14:42.090 of it's always very rush like maaha, like goodbye darling, 0:14:42.130 --> 0:14:45.490 you see later. It's science that if you hold a 0:14:45.530 --> 0:14:49.450 kiss for longer than six seconds, the oxytocin, which is 0:14:49.530 --> 0:14:53.010 like that love chemical, goes dripping back through your brain. 0:14:53.130 --> 0:14:55.010 And you know that's what you felt when you were 0:14:55.050 --> 0:14:57.090 first in that honeymoon phase. 0:14:57.330 --> 0:14:59.610 The six seconds is quite a long time, isn't it, 0:14:59.810 --> 0:15:02.930 But that is I would say one of the most 0:15:02.930 --> 0:15:05.330 common things is when you've been in a relationship for 0:15:05.370 --> 0:15:07.770 a million years, you know, you still might get the 0:15:07.810 --> 0:15:11.250 occasional bonkin. But one of the things that you stop doing, 0:15:11.530 --> 0:15:13.810 and it's really common, is you stop making out, like 0:15:16.490 --> 0:15:19.650 you don't make out anymore. And I feel like, if 0:15:19.650 --> 0:15:21.890 that's the one thing you're saying that you and your 0:15:22.050 --> 0:15:25.250 new wife hold onto, I think that's really great advice. 0:15:25.330 --> 0:15:26.170 I have to laugh. 0:15:26.290 --> 0:15:30.330 My husband, I saw this same theory about this six 0:15:30.410 --> 0:15:33.610 second kiss, and which is also followed up with that 0:15:33.730 --> 0:15:37.010 the six second kiss is equivalent to a twenty second 0:15:37.290 --> 0:15:40.490 hug or cuddle, right right, But my husband got the 0:15:40.570 --> 0:15:43.770 mixed up numbers. He's like, we've got a kiss for 0:15:43.850 --> 0:15:45.370 twenty seconds, and I'm. 0:15:45.170 --> 0:15:49.850 Like, right, yeah, yeah, yeah, I like that. 0:15:49.970 --> 0:15:52.570 No, I had to literally pull the thing off Instagram 0:15:52.610 --> 0:15:55.250 back out again, and so no, see here as a 0:15:55.290 --> 0:15:58.130 twenty second cuddle and a six second kiss. 0:15:58.130 --> 0:16:01.530 Okay, yeah, yeah, sounds like he's learning as well. That's 0:16:01.570 --> 0:16:05.090 apparently the science and it all kind of gets those 0:16:05.170 --> 0:16:07.930 chemicals going. But one other thing which also trying to 0:16:07.970 --> 0:16:10.410 work on is you know, when you're in especially when 0:16:10.450 --> 0:16:14.130 you've got little people around all your conversations can become 0:16:14.570 --> 0:16:20.130 administrative logistic chat, logistical shit like yeah, who's doing the 0:16:20.130 --> 0:16:21.730 pick up doctor's points? 0:16:22.170 --> 0:16:25.650 But when you're first together, you're not talking about any admin. 0:16:26.050 --> 0:16:28.210 So we try. 0:16:28.090 --> 0:16:31.330 To set apart half hour an hour every week where 0:16:31.370 --> 0:16:35.330 we'll have a coffee, and our rule with the coffee 0:16:35.370 --> 0:16:37.250 is no logistical chat. 0:16:37.530 --> 0:16:39.970 You can only talk about things are passionate about. 0:16:39.970 --> 0:16:42.410 And then it starts feel like you get your identity back, 0:16:42.610 --> 0:16:45.130 because otherwise it feels like you're just a mom or 0:16:45.210 --> 0:16:48.410 just a dad. And we're trying to do that, not 0:16:48.530 --> 0:16:51.130 every week, but it's happening thing. 0:16:51.810 --> 0:16:53.690 I think that's such good advice because one of the 0:16:53.730 --> 0:16:56.170 signs that we went through when we talked about and 0:16:56.210 --> 0:16:58.210 looked at what is the roommate phase. One of the 0:16:58.210 --> 0:17:01.330 main things Obviously physical intimacy is obvious, but it's about 0:17:01.410 --> 0:17:06.090 the lack of communication and about addressing anything outside those 0:17:06.530 --> 0:17:08.730 day to day logistics chats. And I love that you 0:17:08.770 --> 0:17:11.810 actually carve out time because everyone goes date night, date night, 0:17:12.010 --> 0:17:14.770 but you actually carve out communication time. 0:17:15.050 --> 0:17:18.850 Yeah, and there is such a thing as intimate communication. 0:17:19.410 --> 0:17:22.970 As you said, it's like, sure, communication can be fine 0:17:23.210 --> 0:17:25.570 if all you're talking about is you know, the kids 0:17:25.650 --> 0:17:29.010 soccer and swimming lessons and school drop offs, but that's 0:17:29.050 --> 0:17:32.930 not intimate communication, really getting to chat about what each 0:17:32.970 --> 0:17:34.850 other is up to and how you're feeling. 0:17:34.970 --> 0:17:36.210 And it makes a big difference. 0:17:36.250 --> 0:17:41.010 Anytime we've had like a passionate chat about anything outside 0:17:41.050 --> 0:17:45.410 of our children and outside of logistics, you just feel better, 0:17:45.490 --> 0:17:46.170 Like you feel like. 0:17:46.250 --> 0:17:48.970 I am an actual person. I'm not just a shell 0:17:49.010 --> 0:17:50.530 of a human being a parent. 0:17:51.090 --> 0:17:53.810 But I think it's so important to connect as adults 0:17:53.850 --> 0:17:55.850 in the relationship, not just as parents. And I think 0:17:55.850 --> 0:17:57.770 that's what you're touching on, is it's so easy to 0:17:57.810 --> 0:18:01.210 fall into the trap of just connecting about your children, 0:18:01.730 --> 0:18:04.850 but actually connecting as people outside your children, and that's 0:18:04.850 --> 0:18:06.530 how you keep the relationship alive. 0:18:06.570 --> 0:18:08.530 According to our resident dad. 0:18:08.370 --> 0:18:11.290 Expert, I think he is an absolute expert. 0:18:11.490 --> 0:18:13.330 That's a thing, right, So if you've been through a 0:18:13.370 --> 0:18:16.530 separation from someone you've had a child with, going into 0:18:16.570 --> 0:18:18.850 it like that is like you don't want a little 0:18:18.850 --> 0:18:21.130 people just run yeahbsolutely. 0:18:21.210 --> 0:18:23.250 And it's the same with my seventeen year old daughter. 0:18:23.450 --> 0:18:25.450 We joke about it, but she was like a practice 0:18:25.490 --> 0:18:28.730 run too, So you learn as you go and. 0:18:28.730 --> 0:18:30.450 Is she helpful with your younger two. 0:18:31.010 --> 0:18:33.490 Yeah, she's really helpful. She loves cooking and. 0:18:34.170 --> 0:18:35.450 Baby house babysitter. 0:18:35.570 --> 0:18:38.010 Well, that also would be helping your relationship as well. 0:18:38.370 --> 0:18:39.810 You've got helping the non roommate. 0:18:39.890 --> 0:18:41.050 Yeah, you've got living help. 0:18:41.170 --> 0:18:41.730 Yeah. 0:18:41.730 --> 0:18:44.330 Absolutely. Yeah, she's just entering the party face. 0:18:44.730 --> 0:18:46.650 Yes, you're going to lose her soon. 0:18:46.850 --> 0:18:50.050 Yeah, she's starting to disappear for days at a time, 0:18:50.250 --> 0:18:51.770 which is you know she can do that? 0:18:52.130 --> 0:18:55.370 Oh well, amazing And thank you for all your beautiful 0:18:55.370 --> 0:18:58.970 insight into your life and how we can maybe avoid 0:18:59.010 --> 0:19:00.010 the roommate face. 0:19:00.250 --> 0:19:03.330 Thank you, And again a caveat. I'm not an expert, 0:19:03.410 --> 0:19:05.810 but we're just trying our best. 0:19:06.170 --> 0:19:08.650 We've enjoyed hearing from you, and I think we're going 0:19:08.650 --> 0:19:09.850 to hear from you a little more. 0:19:10.090 --> 0:19:13.530 Yes, we've got something special that we are going to 0:19:13.570 --> 0:19:15.650 be getting from Tom. We're going to share it with 0:19:15.730 --> 0:19:18.530 you as a special surprise for out this glorious mess. 0:19:18.530 --> 0:19:19.930 I've not heard this yet. 0:19:20.010 --> 0:19:21.890 Well you're going to love it, Tigus. You're gonna laugh, 0:19:21.930 --> 0:19:34.490 you're gonna cry. Okay, Tom, you also are our resident 0:19:35.210 --> 0:19:39.290 songwriter here at Muma Mia. You perform shows around the place, 0:19:39.290 --> 0:19:43.250 so we set you a special assignment to write us 0:19:43.330 --> 0:19:48.330 a song. Oh so it's about the mayhem of raising kids. 0:19:48.650 --> 0:19:50.650 And just to make it harder, you need to include 0:19:50.690 --> 0:19:52.170 the name of our show and the song. This was 0:19:52.210 --> 0:19:55.850 the assignment, this glorious mess. Have you done the assignment, Tommy? 0:19:55.930 --> 0:19:58.610 Yes, I'm very nervous about this, but it was a 0:19:58.610 --> 0:20:02.890 bit of fun. So I brought my ukulele colong And 0:20:03.850 --> 0:20:08.170 it's just about the anarchy of mornings. We find mornings 0:20:08.170 --> 0:20:10.210 really hard in our house to actually get out the 0:20:10.250 --> 0:20:12.570 bloody door, yeat and not me. 0:20:12.930 --> 0:20:16.170 Yeah, well I've got this show name in there as well, 0:20:16.290 --> 0:20:16.810