1 00:00:21,330 --> 00:00:24,370 Speaker 1: So you're listening to another Mia podcast. 2 00:00:25,170 --> 00:00:28,450 Speaker 2: Mamma Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land. We 3 00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:31,930 Speaker 2: have recorded this podcast on the Gatagul people of the 4 00:00:31,970 --> 00:00:35,690 Speaker 2: Eur Nation. We pay our respects to their elders past 5 00:00:35,730 --> 00:00:39,370 Speaker 2: and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and 6 00:00:39,410 --> 00:00:41,170 Speaker 2: Torres Rate islander cultures. 7 00:00:41,490 --> 00:00:45,650 Speaker 3: Hi, I'm Analie's todd, host of Mamma MIA's parenting podcast 8 00:00:45,930 --> 00:00:49,330 Speaker 3: This Glorious Mess. I'm a single mum to two twin 9 00:00:49,410 --> 00:00:52,010 Speaker 3: boys and a longtime listener of Hell. I have a 10 00:00:52,050 --> 00:00:56,650 Speaker 3: teenager bracing myself for the years ahead. I'm popping into 11 00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:59,450 Speaker 3: your feed today to share an episode of This Glorious 12 00:00:59,490 --> 00:01:02,690 Speaker 3: Mess that I think you'll really enjoy. Your kids might 13 00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:05,290 Speaker 3: be a bit older and you're back in the routine 14 00:01:05,330 --> 00:01:10,730 Speaker 3: of life, work, kids, chores. But how's your relationship? Has 15 00:01:10,770 --> 00:01:13,850 Speaker 3: it started to feel more like your roommates and partners 16 00:01:14,170 --> 00:01:18,890 Speaker 3: or lovers? In this week's episode, we explore the warning 17 00:01:18,930 --> 00:01:21,730 Speaker 3: signs of slipping into the room mate face and how 18 00:01:21,730 --> 00:01:25,130 Speaker 3: to stay connected with your partner. We even wrap up 19 00:01:25,170 --> 00:01:27,770 Speaker 3: with a little tune to bring some light and shade 20 00:01:27,810 --> 00:01:28,610 Speaker 3: to the conversation. 21 00:01:29,010 --> 00:01:38,370 Speaker 4: Hope you enjoy it. Hello and welcome to this glorious mess. 22 00:01:38,450 --> 00:01:42,410 Speaker 3: We're embracing the chaos together. We're ditching the judgment. I'm 23 00:01:42,410 --> 00:01:46,730 Speaker 3: Analis todd and fifty percent of the time I live alone, 24 00:01:47,010 --> 00:01:49,610 Speaker 3: no roommates, not even teeny tiny ones, just me. 25 00:01:49,730 --> 00:01:52,850 Speaker 5: I'm teaking it tollly, and I have so many roommates. 26 00:01:52,970 --> 00:01:56,930 Speaker 5: My house is basically a giant game of musical beds, 27 00:01:56,970 --> 00:02:01,250 Speaker 5: and not in the swinging kind. I'm talking about my 28 00:02:01,370 --> 00:02:04,810 Speaker 5: three little kids and husband. And husband's there as well, 29 00:02:04,810 --> 00:02:07,810 Speaker 5: but between us, all new bed, new night. You don't 30 00:02:07,810 --> 00:02:09,650 Speaker 5: even know who you're waking up next to. It's Lucky 31 00:02:09,690 --> 00:02:10,410 Speaker 5: Dip every. 32 00:02:10,290 --> 00:02:11,930 Speaker 4: Day, just without the keys in the bowl. 33 00:02:12,410 --> 00:02:15,850 Speaker 3: So today on the show, we're talking about the roommate 34 00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:17,930 Speaker 3: face of relationship. 35 00:02:18,130 --> 00:02:22,130 Speaker 4: Sure, what is it? The signs you might be in one, 36 00:02:22,290 --> 00:02:26,010 Speaker 4: And we're going to chat to a dad about his experience. 37 00:02:25,570 --> 00:02:28,250 Speaker 3: Of the roommate phase from his first marriage and the 38 00:02:28,290 --> 00:02:31,170 Speaker 3: steps he's taking to ensure that he doesn't fall into 39 00:02:31,210 --> 00:02:32,450 Speaker 3: the same patterns with his new wife. 40 00:02:32,650 --> 00:02:32,890 Speaker 1: Looks. 41 00:02:32,930 --> 00:02:35,130 Speaker 5: So, I feel like we've all Even if you're not 42 00:02:35,250 --> 00:02:37,970 Speaker 5: there now, I feel like you've been there, whether it's 43 00:02:38,010 --> 00:02:41,730 Speaker 5: been fleeting or you know, a month or a year, 44 00:02:41,930 --> 00:02:46,010 Speaker 5: you've been there. It's either made or broken you. 45 00:02:46,290 --> 00:02:46,530 Speaker 4: Yeah. 46 00:02:46,530 --> 00:02:48,650 Speaker 3: But we're going to get into the nitty gritty of 47 00:02:48,650 --> 00:02:52,010 Speaker 3: what it is a little bit later. But first, here's 48 00:02:52,050 --> 00:02:56,850 Speaker 3: what's happening in my group chat. So Tea's there was 49 00:02:56,930 --> 00:02:59,290 Speaker 3: a viral thread on Reddit. You know you love a 50 00:02:59,370 --> 00:03:02,170 Speaker 3: viral I do. I love a thread. It's been lighting 51 00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:05,330 Speaker 3: up my group chat because a woman asks the Reddit 52 00:03:05,410 --> 00:03:09,410 Speaker 3: group chat, which is the Internet, if she's overreacting and 53 00:03:09,850 --> 00:03:14,210 Speaker 3: she's considering divorce. So her husband secretly ate her meals 54 00:03:14,290 --> 00:03:18,290 Speaker 3: that she had prepped for herself post surgery recovery. She'd 55 00:03:18,330 --> 00:03:20,010 Speaker 3: been on a liquid diet and was looking forward to 56 00:03:20,090 --> 00:03:23,490 Speaker 3: eating solid And he originally blamed their eleven year old 57 00:03:23,610 --> 00:03:28,290 Speaker 3: child and pretended he did, like the dog ate my 58 00:03:28,290 --> 00:03:32,010 Speaker 3: homework the kid surgery meal prepped meals, but she realized 59 00:03:32,050 --> 00:03:33,810 Speaker 3: it couldn't be true because it was like healthy things 60 00:03:33,850 --> 00:03:35,810 Speaker 3: like salmon, and their eleven year old doesn't eat that. 61 00:03:36,290 --> 00:03:38,090 Speaker 4: And when he finally admitted it. 62 00:03:38,490 --> 00:03:40,850 Speaker 3: He said it was because he was too bored and 63 00:03:40,930 --> 00:03:43,930 Speaker 3: tired to make his lunches for work. My group chat 64 00:03:43,970 --> 00:03:46,490 Speaker 3: has decided this is a divorceable offense. 65 00:03:46,610 --> 00:03:47,250 Speaker 4: Do you agree? 66 00:03:47,530 --> 00:03:49,570 Speaker 1: It's a very selfish thing to do. 67 00:03:49,810 --> 00:03:52,530 Speaker 3: The optics aren't good. There's a lot of red flags here. 68 00:03:53,170 --> 00:03:58,210 Speaker 3: It's definitely flaggable. I can't make the decision, but he's 69 00:03:59,250 --> 00:04:03,850 Speaker 3: a line approved, so TIGS. There was a Mama Mere 70 00:04:04,010 --> 00:04:11,050 Speaker 3: article that went viral recently. Again, it was by back Day, 71 00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:13,170 Speaker 3: and she had some advice on how to survive the 72 00:04:13,290 --> 00:04:17,210 Speaker 3: room mate phase by relationship coach Meg's Dixon. So what 73 00:04:17,410 --> 00:04:19,890 Speaker 3: is the room mate phase? It sounds it is what 74 00:04:19,930 --> 00:04:22,330 Speaker 3: it does the team as I'm saying, So, it's when 75 00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:25,010 Speaker 3: your partner has become more like a friend and you're 76 00:04:25,050 --> 00:04:27,090 Speaker 3: just two people who happen to live in the same 77 00:04:27,130 --> 00:04:32,810 Speaker 3: house and share responsibilities. Life has become comfortable and it 78 00:04:32,850 --> 00:04:34,730 Speaker 3: can make it really easy to feel complacent. 79 00:04:35,410 --> 00:04:38,130 Speaker 5: Now they've even referred to this as roommates syndrome. 80 00:04:38,530 --> 00:04:39,810 Speaker 4: I think it is a syndrome. 81 00:04:40,010 --> 00:04:43,810 Speaker 5: Yeah, I wonder if there's variables of this, as I 82 00:04:43,850 --> 00:04:46,290 Speaker 5: mentioned earlier, like, you know, can it be fleeting, can 83 00:04:46,330 --> 00:04:48,930 Speaker 5: it be you know, when there's a newborn. How long 84 00:04:49,010 --> 00:04:50,930 Speaker 5: is too long to be in that phase? Because I'm 85 00:04:50,930 --> 00:04:53,970 Speaker 5: sure every single relationship would go through this phase, kids 86 00:04:54,050 --> 00:04:57,370 Speaker 5: or no kids. There's sometimes where you're busy, I'm busy, 87 00:04:58,010 --> 00:05:00,250 Speaker 5: where ships in the night, we barely see each other, 88 00:05:00,290 --> 00:05:02,490 Speaker 5: we haven't had a meal together for a while. Things 89 00:05:02,530 --> 00:05:05,290 Speaker 5: are a lot at the moment, but then you just go, oh, 90 00:05:05,330 --> 00:05:08,370 Speaker 5: you know what, we're just disconnected and we're roommates. Let's 91 00:05:08,370 --> 00:05:10,410 Speaker 5: call it quits when is too long. 92 00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:13,370 Speaker 3: As the cautionary tale of the only divorced person in 93 00:05:13,410 --> 00:05:17,730 Speaker 3: the room, I would say that just in general, my 94 00:05:17,850 --> 00:05:22,650 Speaker 3: advice is any issue in a relationship or a marriage, 95 00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:26,370 Speaker 3: if it gets or goes left untreated, head in the sand, 96 00:05:27,330 --> 00:05:29,850 Speaker 3: it just shouldn't be. Things need to be tackled, Things 97 00:05:29,850 --> 00:05:32,250 Speaker 3: need to be dealt with and worked on. When you've 98 00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:35,850 Speaker 3: got really young children, that trenchy phase as we call 99 00:05:35,890 --> 00:05:39,970 Speaker 3: it in the trenches, roommate syndrome or phase, definitely, I 100 00:05:39,970 --> 00:05:43,170 Speaker 3: would say peaks because you're just so busy and tired, 101 00:05:43,250 --> 00:05:45,690 Speaker 3: and the kids are so physically demanding, and so all 102 00:05:45,730 --> 00:05:48,250 Speaker 3: of your energy goes into taking care of the little people, 103 00:05:48,810 --> 00:05:50,850 Speaker 3: and it can be really hard to fit in things 104 00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:53,650 Speaker 3: like date night and were you just literally a conversations 105 00:05:53,650 --> 00:05:55,050 Speaker 3: of logistics. 106 00:05:54,570 --> 00:05:58,850 Speaker 5: And I'm sure to many listeners roommates is even fun. 107 00:05:58,890 --> 00:06:02,050 Speaker 5: That's a step up from housemates, because you know, especially 108 00:06:02,050 --> 00:06:04,010 Speaker 5: when you're in that trench period. And like I mentioned, 109 00:06:04,050 --> 00:06:07,330 Speaker 5: sometimes we're musical beds. Sometimes my husband's not even my roommate, 110 00:06:07,410 --> 00:06:09,730 Speaker 5: he's just my housemate. I'm like, babe, Like I don't 111 00:06:09,730 --> 00:06:11,370 Speaker 5: even know what room he's ended up in, what bet 112 00:06:11,490 --> 00:06:12,170 Speaker 5: he's in, you know. 113 00:06:12,890 --> 00:06:14,810 Speaker 1: So it does get really tricky. 114 00:06:15,130 --> 00:06:17,050 Speaker 3: So these are some of the common signs you might 115 00:06:17,050 --> 00:06:23,250 Speaker 3: be experiencing roommates syndrome. Okay, so struggling to communicate, and 116 00:06:23,290 --> 00:06:27,210 Speaker 3: that's obviously more than just surface logistic level. It's actually 117 00:06:27,250 --> 00:06:29,250 Speaker 3: having those connected conversations. 118 00:06:29,330 --> 00:06:32,050 Speaker 1: Yeah, yep, not just like how is your day. 119 00:06:32,730 --> 00:06:34,410 Speaker 4: And the washing needs and the dry cleaning and the. 120 00:06:34,570 --> 00:06:37,130 Speaker 5: So it needs to be things that you wouldn't actually 121 00:06:37,170 --> 00:06:38,610 Speaker 5: talk to your roommate about. 122 00:06:39,090 --> 00:06:42,690 Speaker 3: Yes, it's the intimacy is the dividing factor of the 123 00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:44,930 Speaker 3: roommates and relate what. 124 00:06:44,970 --> 00:06:46,610 Speaker 1: Are you actually communicating about. 125 00:06:46,850 --> 00:06:51,090 Speaker 3: Yeah, obviously, feeling less intimate, that's an obvious one. Feeling 126 00:06:51,090 --> 00:06:52,730 Speaker 3: like there's no affection or romance. 127 00:06:53,810 --> 00:06:54,490 Speaker 4: I struggle with. 128 00:06:54,490 --> 00:06:57,890 Speaker 3: This, feeling like your lives aside from your mutual obligations 129 00:06:57,890 --> 00:07:00,410 Speaker 3: and a lot of time obviously that's children are separate. 130 00:07:01,530 --> 00:07:04,810 Speaker 3: I feel like having a level of independence is a 131 00:07:04,850 --> 00:07:07,850 Speaker 3: good thing, you shouldn't be each other's everything. 132 00:07:08,130 --> 00:07:10,010 Speaker 5: And I think in this case, it's not like, oh, 133 00:07:10,050 --> 00:07:12,330 Speaker 5: we shouldn't be doing those separate things. It's more like 134 00:07:12,450 --> 00:07:14,370 Speaker 5: I have no idea what you're doing. Like you kind 135 00:07:14,370 --> 00:07:15,650 Speaker 5: of get home at the end of the day and 136 00:07:15,690 --> 00:07:17,650 Speaker 5: you're like, how is your day? How is your day? 137 00:07:18,170 --> 00:07:20,850 Speaker 5: And you're like, good, it's just such separate life. 138 00:07:21,330 --> 00:07:23,890 Speaker 3: Like I think as well to use like a Gray's 139 00:07:23,890 --> 00:07:27,730 Speaker 3: Anatomy analogy, it's like they need to feel like your person. 140 00:07:28,130 --> 00:07:31,010 Speaker 3: They're the first person that you want to tell the 141 00:07:31,050 --> 00:07:34,090 Speaker 3: exciting stuff yeah, and whinge about the minutia of your day. 142 00:07:34,210 --> 00:07:36,010 Speaker 3: And I'm sure a lot of mums who are at 143 00:07:36,010 --> 00:07:39,650 Speaker 3: home raising little kids while they're partner, or dads while 144 00:07:39,650 --> 00:07:43,970 Speaker 3: their partner's working. This can sometimes be a real side 145 00:07:43,970 --> 00:07:46,890 Speaker 3: effect of that lack of communication, because you know, they're 146 00:07:46,930 --> 00:07:52,330 Speaker 3: off working and socializing and dealing with people and having conversations, 147 00:07:52,410 --> 00:07:54,250 Speaker 3: and they'll come home and you'll be like, how's your day, 148 00:07:54,250 --> 00:07:56,530 Speaker 3: and they've got stories to tell, and if you're at 149 00:07:56,570 --> 00:07:58,970 Speaker 3: home with baby or you've been to the park, you're 150 00:07:59,010 --> 00:08:02,090 Speaker 3: kind of like, not much to talk. 151 00:08:02,370 --> 00:08:07,810 Speaker 1: He ate his soup for lunch. You kind of run 152 00:08:07,850 --> 00:08:09,850 Speaker 1: out of things to say when you're in that period. 153 00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:11,170 Speaker 1: I've definitely been there. 154 00:08:11,370 --> 00:08:13,170 Speaker 3: So another one of the signs is feeling like the 155 00:08:13,210 --> 00:08:16,650 Speaker 3: relationship isn't a priority. It should be a priority to 156 00:08:17,890 --> 00:08:21,290 Speaker 3: make time away from the children. The house so hard though. 157 00:08:21,410 --> 00:08:23,850 Speaker 1: Yes, feeling like you have support or. 158 00:08:23,890 --> 00:08:28,530 Speaker 3: Feeling like you don't have support is the sign that 159 00:08:29,090 --> 00:08:33,410 Speaker 3: this could be roommate syndrome or phase. Yeah, Okay, What 160 00:08:33,490 --> 00:08:36,650 Speaker 3: I want to know as someone who is divorced, who 161 00:08:36,930 --> 00:08:41,010 Speaker 3: is in a honeymoon phase in a new relationship, how 162 00:08:41,050 --> 00:08:44,530 Speaker 3: do you not let that go? Because I don't want 163 00:08:44,570 --> 00:08:45,730 Speaker 3: to let it go. 164 00:08:45,730 --> 00:08:50,050 Speaker 5: And it's gonna I hate to be glass half full, 165 00:08:50,170 --> 00:08:51,090 Speaker 5: but empty. 166 00:08:51,170 --> 00:08:51,730 Speaker 6: That's empty. 167 00:08:52,610 --> 00:08:55,410 Speaker 5: I think we all think that the honeymoon period's going 168 00:08:55,450 --> 00:08:56,370 Speaker 5: to last, don't we. 169 00:08:56,730 --> 00:08:59,690 Speaker 3: But what I would like to find out from our 170 00:08:59,730 --> 00:09:03,090 Speaker 3: next guest, Tom, who has been through a divorce, who 171 00:09:03,250 --> 00:09:07,530 Speaker 3: is remarried and had young children with someone else, how has. 172 00:09:07,570 --> 00:09:09,530 Speaker 1: That was lucky? You had a practice run, didn't he? 173 00:09:09,610 --> 00:09:11,210 Speaker 4: Well, that's what I'm hoping I did. 174 00:09:11,370 --> 00:09:15,410 Speaker 1: Well, see this is this is this is my theory. Right. 175 00:09:15,490 --> 00:09:18,450 Speaker 5: So for my husband and I we moved pretty quickly 176 00:09:18,490 --> 00:09:21,490 Speaker 5: like we're like honeymoon phase and then gauge, which is 177 00:09:21,530 --> 00:09:22,690 Speaker 5: like still honeymoon phase. 178 00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:24,250 Speaker 1: And then a year later married. 179 00:09:24,490 --> 00:09:26,730 Speaker 5: By our first wedding anniversary we had two kids, but 180 00:09:26,810 --> 00:09:29,210 Speaker 5: our second wedding anniversary we had three kids. 181 00:09:29,610 --> 00:09:32,290 Speaker 1: We were on like the roller coaster of life. 182 00:09:32,650 --> 00:09:36,290 Speaker 5: And so I think that's come down of that this 183 00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:39,530 Speaker 5: is the best and it's going so fast and it's amazing, 184 00:09:40,050 --> 00:09:41,810 Speaker 5: and you know, not saying that the kids are a 185 00:09:41,850 --> 00:09:43,930 Speaker 5: low in life, but it's a lot when you're looking 186 00:09:43,970 --> 00:09:48,010 Speaker 5: at your relationship while having kids, especially my case three 187 00:09:48,090 --> 00:09:52,730 Speaker 5: kids really close together one hundred percent, the trenches affect 188 00:09:52,850 --> 00:09:54,050 Speaker 5: this so much. 189 00:09:54,290 --> 00:09:57,610 Speaker 3: Yeah, that's the most critical stage because in most partnerships 190 00:09:57,650 --> 00:10:02,650 Speaker 3: it is gendered, and you've got domestic inequality, you've got exhaustion, 191 00:10:03,250 --> 00:10:07,290 Speaker 3: and those combinations of things then bottle up to resentment. Yeah, 192 00:10:07,330 --> 00:10:10,050 Speaker 3: and that's when you're not having those conversations and you're 193 00:10:10,090 --> 00:10:13,370 Speaker 3: not communicating about the issues. That's when you can slip 194 00:10:13,410 --> 00:10:15,650 Speaker 3: into the room mate, because you're just not addressing the elephant. 195 00:10:15,850 --> 00:10:17,690 Speaker 5: Yeah, and it does come down to both of you 196 00:10:17,770 --> 00:10:20,170 Speaker 5: as well. You're both in this relationship. If one of 197 00:10:20,210 --> 00:10:22,690 Speaker 5: you is the ones overworked, or one of you feels 198 00:10:22,730 --> 00:10:24,330 Speaker 5: like the other needs a break from the kids. 199 00:10:24,330 --> 00:10:24,770 Speaker 1: Like, that's what I. 200 00:10:24,770 --> 00:10:27,010 Speaker 5: Always say to Jason whenever we're having issues, I'm like, 201 00:10:27,250 --> 00:10:30,050 Speaker 5: the only ones that can fix this is us, right, Like, 202 00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:33,370 Speaker 5: we are responsible for our relationship. So if we want 203 00:10:33,370 --> 00:10:35,330 Speaker 5: to do better, we need to book a date night, 204 00:10:35,450 --> 00:10:37,730 Speaker 5: or we need to go away for a couple of days, 205 00:10:37,810 --> 00:10:39,170 Speaker 5: or we need to have a conversation. 206 00:10:39,650 --> 00:10:41,890 Speaker 1: So I'm interested to speak to our guest today. Who 207 00:10:41,970 --> 00:10:44,370 Speaker 1: is a male? A male? 208 00:10:44,610 --> 00:10:48,010 Speaker 7: A male on this glorious Oh my god, our father, Well, 209 00:10:48,090 --> 00:10:51,010 Speaker 7: I never he's going to come in and we're going 210 00:10:51,090 --> 00:10:56,090 Speaker 7: to hear what he does to avoid room mate, housemate? 211 00:10:56,250 --> 00:10:57,250 Speaker 1: What are we roommate? 212 00:10:57,530 --> 00:11:02,050 Speaker 3: Roommate face? And we're saving relationships around Australia. Glorious mess. 213 00:11:02,050 --> 00:11:11,730 Speaker 1: It's serious. So we're a. 214 00:11:11,610 --> 00:11:13,970 Speaker 4: Big family here at this glorious mess. 215 00:11:14,130 --> 00:11:18,090 Speaker 3: And we've invited one of our pod producers today. 216 00:11:18,530 --> 00:11:21,210 Speaker 4: Who is a boy or man? 217 00:11:21,330 --> 00:11:21,890 Speaker 1: A man? 218 00:11:22,090 --> 00:11:24,970 Speaker 4: He's a man, he's a male for something fun? 219 00:11:24,970 --> 00:11:30,290 Speaker 3: I'm father, Yeah, so Tom, welcome to this glorious miss Hello. 220 00:11:30,370 --> 00:11:34,090 Speaker 8: Hello, so good to finally say good eight to you guys. 221 00:11:34,210 --> 00:11:35,370 Speaker 8: I'm an avid listener. 222 00:11:35,530 --> 00:11:37,890 Speaker 1: Now we've got you and we're gonna pick your brain. 223 00:11:38,130 --> 00:11:40,970 Speaker 3: Yes, we want your male perspective. So let's just set 224 00:11:41,130 --> 00:11:43,250 Speaker 3: a little bit up about you, Tommy. So you are 225 00:11:43,290 --> 00:11:44,490 Speaker 3: a father of three. 226 00:11:44,770 --> 00:11:47,570 Speaker 8: Yeah, so it's all happening in my house. I'll give 227 00:11:47,610 --> 00:11:50,810 Speaker 8: you the quick spells. So I've got my seventeen year 228 00:11:50,810 --> 00:11:54,610 Speaker 8: old daughter, Nala. I had her when I was so young. 229 00:11:54,810 --> 00:11:58,330 Speaker 8: I was nineteen years old, so we've grown up together 230 00:11:58,610 --> 00:12:00,010 Speaker 8: and we're really close. 231 00:12:00,130 --> 00:12:02,130 Speaker 6: So that's amazing for us. 232 00:12:02,330 --> 00:12:04,850 Speaker 8: My two little ones, Donnie and Join the're five and three, 233 00:12:05,330 --> 00:12:07,490 Speaker 8: and yeah, we're right in it, like they've reached a 234 00:12:07,570 --> 00:12:11,170 Speaker 8: stage now where they're kind of collaborating. I'm always hearing 235 00:12:11,170 --> 00:12:14,170 Speaker 8: these kind of whispers around the corner, like you run that. 236 00:12:14,090 --> 00:12:17,130 Speaker 6: Way, I'll go that way. You throw the water on him, man, 237 00:12:17,250 --> 00:12:18,730 Speaker 6: he won't catch us. 238 00:12:18,410 --> 00:12:22,410 Speaker 8: And that's kind of what I'm competing with my lovely wife, Jessica, 239 00:12:22,690 --> 00:12:25,930 Speaker 8: who is, to be honest, a lot smarter than me. 240 00:12:26,570 --> 00:12:27,930 Speaker 6: And for her, I'm. 241 00:12:27,810 --> 00:12:31,530 Speaker 8: Probably just like this project that she's working on and 242 00:12:31,610 --> 00:12:32,610 Speaker 8: she's being patient. 243 00:12:32,730 --> 00:12:33,690 Speaker 6: So that's me. 244 00:12:34,130 --> 00:12:36,530 Speaker 3: And so Tommy take us through. So you had Nyla 245 00:12:36,610 --> 00:12:39,010 Speaker 3: and you were very very young. You're not currently with 246 00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:41,450 Speaker 3: her mother? Yeah, yeah, so that was your first marriage. 247 00:12:41,850 --> 00:12:44,930 Speaker 6: Was my first love. We didn't get married, it's. 248 00:12:44,730 --> 00:12:46,850 Speaker 3: The same same you have a kid together, the rest 249 00:12:46,930 --> 00:12:48,450 Speaker 3: is paperwork, that's right. 250 00:12:48,530 --> 00:12:51,210 Speaker 8: Yeah, it's all admin from that point. But we had 251 00:12:51,290 --> 00:12:55,170 Speaker 8: Nala so young, but it was really a blessing in disguise. 252 00:12:55,490 --> 00:12:58,250 Speaker 3: So in that first relationship where you had a child 253 00:12:58,250 --> 00:13:00,450 Speaker 3: with someone, would you say that you fell into what 254 00:13:00,570 --> 00:13:03,330 Speaker 3: we're sort of coining and has been coined the roommate 255 00:13:03,410 --> 00:13:04,570 Speaker 3: fase and the relationship? 256 00:13:04,970 --> 00:13:08,610 Speaker 8: Oh man, Yeah, that is really deep for me because 257 00:13:08,850 --> 00:13:10,690 Speaker 8: I think that would have been the purpose the reason 258 00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:15,050 Speaker 8: why we ended up separating. And we're great friends now, 259 00:13:15,370 --> 00:13:19,010 Speaker 8: of course, but we definitely fell into that, and my 260 00:13:19,210 --> 00:13:21,850 Speaker 8: wife and I now we're so hyper aware of it 261 00:13:21,890 --> 00:13:25,690 Speaker 8: because we've both been through that. If you compare when 262 00:13:25,690 --> 00:13:28,890 Speaker 8: you first fall in love and you're kind of like 263 00:13:29,250 --> 00:13:31,890 Speaker 8: drunk on love, comparing to those signs. 264 00:13:31,890 --> 00:13:33,490 Speaker 6: When Jess and I first got. 265 00:13:33,370 --> 00:13:37,090 Speaker 8: Together, we were myopic and oblivious to everything around us, 266 00:13:37,610 --> 00:13:40,810 Speaker 8: hooking up everywhere, and then to now we've got these 267 00:13:40,850 --> 00:13:44,570 Speaker 8: little people who are trying to break your spirit, trying 268 00:13:44,610 --> 00:13:48,370 Speaker 8: to undermine your productivity everywhere, and those aren't conditions for 269 00:13:49,090 --> 00:13:50,010 Speaker 8: romance at all. 270 00:13:50,570 --> 00:13:53,010 Speaker 6: So yeah, we're definitely aware of that. 271 00:13:53,530 --> 00:13:55,450 Speaker 5: Since you are both so aware of it. What are 272 00:13:55,450 --> 00:13:58,370 Speaker 5: some of the things that you can know or like, 273 00:13:58,410 --> 00:14:00,890 Speaker 5: that's it, we're getting into a bad habit here, or 274 00:14:01,250 --> 00:14:03,650 Speaker 5: what are some of the signs and triggers I suppose 275 00:14:03,730 --> 00:14:06,290 Speaker 5: for you and how do you sort of counteract those? 276 00:14:06,650 --> 00:14:10,250 Speaker 8: Yeah, so a premise this for saying I'm not an expert. 277 00:14:10,410 --> 00:14:13,770 Speaker 8: In fact, I'm probably the opposite of an expert. 278 00:14:13,930 --> 00:14:15,010 Speaker 6: But yeah, once short. 279 00:14:14,890 --> 00:14:16,810 Speaker 8: Sign is you walk past them in the hallway and 280 00:14:16,850 --> 00:14:18,370 Speaker 8: they punch you in the shoulder. 281 00:14:18,090 --> 00:14:19,250 Speaker 6: And say, get a champ. 282 00:14:19,610 --> 00:14:22,490 Speaker 4: That's very friends Yeah, very friend zone. 283 00:14:22,770 --> 00:14:27,490 Speaker 8: But you know, intuitively, like if you feel that spark disappear. 284 00:14:28,130 --> 00:14:31,050 Speaker 8: And one thing that we've been trying to do that 285 00:14:31,130 --> 00:14:35,730 Speaker 8: I heard from this psychologist is called the six second kiss. 286 00:14:36,610 --> 00:14:39,250 Speaker 8: And as you get on in a relationship, you kind 287 00:14:39,250 --> 00:14:42,090 Speaker 8: of it's always very rush like maaha, like goodbye darling, 288 00:14:42,130 --> 00:14:45,490 Speaker 8: you see later. It's science that if you hold a 289 00:14:45,530 --> 00:14:49,450 Speaker 8: kiss for longer than six seconds, the oxytocin, which is 290 00:14:49,530 --> 00:14:53,010 Speaker 8: like that love chemical, goes dripping back through your brain. 291 00:14:53,130 --> 00:14:55,010 Speaker 8: And you know that's what you felt when you were 292 00:14:55,050 --> 00:14:57,090 Speaker 8: first in that honeymoon phase. 293 00:14:57,330 --> 00:14:59,610 Speaker 3: The six seconds is quite a long time, isn't it, 294 00:14:59,810 --> 00:15:02,930 Speaker 3: But that is I would say one of the most 295 00:15:02,930 --> 00:15:05,330 Speaker 3: common things is when you've been in a relationship for 296 00:15:05,370 --> 00:15:07,770 Speaker 3: a million years, you know, you still might get the 297 00:15:07,810 --> 00:15:11,250 Speaker 3: occasional bonkin. But one of the things that you stop doing, 298 00:15:11,530 --> 00:15:13,810 Speaker 3: and it's really common, is you stop making out, like 299 00:15:16,490 --> 00:15:19,650 Speaker 3: you don't make out anymore. And I feel like, if 300 00:15:19,650 --> 00:15:21,890 Speaker 3: that's the one thing you're saying that you and your 301 00:15:22,050 --> 00:15:25,250 Speaker 3: new wife hold onto, I think that's really great advice. 302 00:15:25,330 --> 00:15:26,170 Speaker 1: I have to laugh. 303 00:15:26,290 --> 00:15:30,330 Speaker 5: My husband, I saw this same theory about this six 304 00:15:30,410 --> 00:15:33,610 Speaker 5: second kiss, and which is also followed up with that 305 00:15:33,730 --> 00:15:37,010 Speaker 5: the six second kiss is equivalent to a twenty second 306 00:15:37,290 --> 00:15:40,490 Speaker 5: hug or cuddle, right right, But my husband got the 307 00:15:40,570 --> 00:15:43,770 Speaker 5: mixed up numbers. He's like, we've got a kiss for 308 00:15:43,850 --> 00:15:45,370 Speaker 5: twenty seconds, and I'm. 309 00:15:45,170 --> 00:15:49,850 Speaker 4: Like, right, yeah, yeah, yeah, I like that. 310 00:15:49,970 --> 00:15:52,570 Speaker 5: No, I had to literally pull the thing off Instagram 311 00:15:52,610 --> 00:15:55,250 Speaker 5: back out again, and so no, see here as a 312 00:15:55,290 --> 00:15:58,130 Speaker 5: twenty second cuddle and a six second kiss. 313 00:15:58,130 --> 00:16:01,530 Speaker 8: Okay, yeah, yeah, sounds like he's learning as well. That's 314 00:16:01,570 --> 00:16:05,090 Speaker 8: apparently the science and it all kind of gets those 315 00:16:05,170 --> 00:16:07,930 Speaker 8: chemicals going. But one other thing which also trying to 316 00:16:07,970 --> 00:16:10,410 Speaker 8: work on is you know, when you're in especially when 317 00:16:10,450 --> 00:16:14,130 Speaker 8: you've got little people around all your conversations can become 318 00:16:14,570 --> 00:16:20,130 Speaker 8: administrative logistic chat, logistical shit like yeah, who's doing the 319 00:16:20,130 --> 00:16:21,730 Speaker 8: pick up doctor's points? 320 00:16:22,170 --> 00:16:25,650 Speaker 6: But when you're first together, you're not talking about any admin. 321 00:16:26,050 --> 00:16:28,210 Speaker 6: So we try. 322 00:16:28,090 --> 00:16:31,330 Speaker 8: To set apart half hour an hour every week where 323 00:16:31,370 --> 00:16:35,330 Speaker 8: we'll have a coffee, and our rule with the coffee 324 00:16:35,370 --> 00:16:37,250 Speaker 8: is no logistical chat. 325 00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,970 Speaker 6: You can only talk about things are passionate about. 326 00:16:39,970 --> 00:16:42,410 Speaker 8: And then it starts feel like you get your identity back, 327 00:16:42,610 --> 00:16:45,130 Speaker 8: because otherwise it feels like you're just a mom or 328 00:16:45,210 --> 00:16:48,410 Speaker 8: just a dad. And we're trying to do that, not 329 00:16:48,530 --> 00:16:51,130 Speaker 8: every week, but it's happening thing. 330 00:16:51,810 --> 00:16:53,690 Speaker 3: I think that's such good advice because one of the 331 00:16:53,730 --> 00:16:56,170 Speaker 3: signs that we went through when we talked about and 332 00:16:56,210 --> 00:16:58,210 Speaker 3: looked at what is the roommate phase. One of the 333 00:16:58,210 --> 00:17:01,330 Speaker 3: main things Obviously physical intimacy is obvious, but it's about 334 00:17:01,410 --> 00:17:06,090 Speaker 3: the lack of communication and about addressing anything outside those 335 00:17:06,530 --> 00:17:08,730 Speaker 3: day to day logistics chats. And I love that you 336 00:17:08,770 --> 00:17:11,810 Speaker 3: actually carve out time because everyone goes date night, date night, 337 00:17:12,010 --> 00:17:14,770 Speaker 3: but you actually carve out communication time. 338 00:17:15,050 --> 00:17:18,850 Speaker 5: Yeah, and there is such a thing as intimate communication. 339 00:17:19,410 --> 00:17:22,970 Speaker 5: As you said, it's like, sure, communication can be fine 340 00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:25,570 Speaker 5: if all you're talking about is you know, the kids 341 00:17:25,650 --> 00:17:29,010 Speaker 5: soccer and swimming lessons and school drop offs, but that's 342 00:17:29,050 --> 00:17:32,930 Speaker 5: not intimate communication, really getting to chat about what each 343 00:17:32,970 --> 00:17:34,850 Speaker 5: other is up to and how you're feeling. 344 00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:36,210 Speaker 6: And it makes a big difference. 345 00:17:36,250 --> 00:17:41,010 Speaker 8: Anytime we've had like a passionate chat about anything outside 346 00:17:41,050 --> 00:17:45,410 Speaker 8: of our children and outside of logistics, you just feel better, 347 00:17:45,490 --> 00:17:46,170 Speaker 8: Like you feel like. 348 00:17:46,250 --> 00:17:48,970 Speaker 6: I am an actual person. I'm not just a shell 349 00:17:49,010 --> 00:17:50,530 Speaker 6: of a human being a parent. 350 00:17:51,090 --> 00:17:53,810 Speaker 3: But I think it's so important to connect as adults 351 00:17:53,850 --> 00:17:55,850 Speaker 3: in the relationship, not just as parents. And I think 352 00:17:55,850 --> 00:17:57,770 Speaker 3: that's what you're touching on, is it's so easy to 353 00:17:57,810 --> 00:18:01,210 Speaker 3: fall into the trap of just connecting about your children, 354 00:18:01,730 --> 00:18:04,850 Speaker 3: but actually connecting as people outside your children, and that's 355 00:18:04,850 --> 00:18:06,530 Speaker 3: how you keep the relationship alive. 356 00:18:06,570 --> 00:18:08,530 Speaker 4: According to our resident dad. 357 00:18:08,370 --> 00:18:11,290 Speaker 5: Expert, I think he is an absolute expert. 358 00:18:11,490 --> 00:18:13,330 Speaker 3: That's a thing, right, So if you've been through a 359 00:18:13,370 --> 00:18:16,530 Speaker 3: separation from someone you've had a child with, going into 360 00:18:16,570 --> 00:18:18,850 Speaker 3: it like that is like you don't want a little 361 00:18:18,850 --> 00:18:21,130 Speaker 3: people just run yeahbsolutely. 362 00:18:21,210 --> 00:18:23,250 Speaker 6: And it's the same with my seventeen year old daughter. 363 00:18:23,450 --> 00:18:25,450 Speaker 8: We joke about it, but she was like a practice 364 00:18:25,490 --> 00:18:28,730 Speaker 8: run too, So you learn as you go and. 365 00:18:28,730 --> 00:18:30,450 Speaker 1: Is she helpful with your younger two. 366 00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:33,490 Speaker 6: Yeah, she's really helpful. She loves cooking and. 367 00:18:34,170 --> 00:18:35,450 Speaker 1: Baby house babysitter. 368 00:18:35,570 --> 00:18:38,010 Speaker 4: Well, that also would be helping your relationship as well. 369 00:18:38,370 --> 00:18:39,810 Speaker 1: You've got helping the non roommate. 370 00:18:39,890 --> 00:18:41,050 Speaker 4: Yeah, you've got living help. 371 00:18:41,170 --> 00:18:41,730 Speaker 1: Yeah. 372 00:18:41,730 --> 00:18:44,330 Speaker 6: Absolutely. Yeah, she's just entering the party face. 373 00:18:44,730 --> 00:18:46,650 Speaker 1: Yes, you're going to lose her soon. 374 00:18:46,850 --> 00:18:50,050 Speaker 8: Yeah, she's starting to disappear for days at a time, 375 00:18:50,250 --> 00:18:51,770 Speaker 8: which is you know she can do that? 376 00:18:52,130 --> 00:18:55,370 Speaker 5: Oh well, amazing And thank you for all your beautiful 377 00:18:55,370 --> 00:18:58,970 Speaker 5: insight into your life and how we can maybe avoid 378 00:18:59,010 --> 00:19:00,010 Speaker 5: the roommate face. 379 00:19:00,250 --> 00:19:03,330 Speaker 8: Thank you, And again a caveat. I'm not an expert, 380 00:19:03,410 --> 00:19:05,810 Speaker 8: but we're just trying our best. 381 00:19:06,170 --> 00:19:08,650 Speaker 5: We've enjoyed hearing from you, and I think we're going 382 00:19:08,650 --> 00:19:09,850 Speaker 5: to hear from you a little more. 383 00:19:10,090 --> 00:19:13,530 Speaker 3: Yes, we've got something special that we are going to 384 00:19:13,570 --> 00:19:15,650 Speaker 3: be getting from Tom. We're going to share it with 385 00:19:15,730 --> 00:19:18,530 Speaker 3: you as a special surprise for out this glorious mess. 386 00:19:18,530 --> 00:19:19,930 Speaker 1: I've not heard this yet. 387 00:19:20,010 --> 00:19:21,890 Speaker 3: Well you're going to love it, Tigus. You're gonna laugh, 388 00:19:21,930 --> 00:19:34,490 Speaker 3: you're gonna cry. Okay, Tom, you also are our resident 389 00:19:35,210 --> 00:19:39,290 Speaker 3: songwriter here at Muma Mia. You perform shows around the place, 390 00:19:39,290 --> 00:19:43,250 Speaker 3: so we set you a special assignment to write us 391 00:19:43,330 --> 00:19:48,330 Speaker 3: a song. Oh so it's about the mayhem of raising kids. 392 00:19:48,650 --> 00:19:50,650 Speaker 3: And just to make it harder, you need to include 393 00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:52,170 Speaker 3: the name of our show and the song. This was 394 00:19:52,210 --> 00:19:55,850 Speaker 3: the assignment, this glorious mess. Have you done the assignment, Tommy? 395 00:19:55,930 --> 00:19:58,610 Speaker 8: Yes, I'm very nervous about this, but it was a 396 00:19:58,610 --> 00:20:02,890 Speaker 8: bit of fun. So I brought my ukulele colong And 397 00:20:03,850 --> 00:20:08,170 Speaker 8: it's just about the anarchy of mornings. We find mornings 398 00:20:08,170 --> 00:20:10,210 Speaker 8: really hard in our house to actually get out the 399 00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:12,570 Speaker 8: bloody door, yeat and not me. 400 00:20:12,930 --> 00:20:16,170 Speaker 6: Yeah, well I've got this show name in there as well, 401 00:20:16,290 --> 00:20:16,810 Speaker 6: just for you. 402 00:20:16,970 --> 00:20:19,010 Speaker 1: I'm probably gonna go you ready, I am hormonal? 403 00:20:19,170 --> 00:20:22,010 Speaker 4: Okay, take it away to me go Tommy. 404 00:20:22,130 --> 00:20:29,770 Speaker 9: All right, it's chaos and our house again. The kids 405 00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:33,770 Speaker 9: are screaming round the bence. We're running late, barely dressed. 406 00:20:33,850 --> 00:20:37,330 Speaker 9: Oh it's a glorious mess, a washing pile. 407 00:20:37,490 --> 00:20:38,290 Speaker 6: Where's my key? 408 00:20:39,130 --> 00:20:43,850 Speaker 8: I've lost all productivity, but we're after school easy, pleased 409 00:20:43,890 --> 00:20:44,890 Speaker 8: with veggie. 410 00:20:44,610 --> 00:20:45,650 Speaker 6: Mite and cheese. 411 00:20:46,610 --> 00:20:50,610 Speaker 9: Feels like love when your public tantrums embarrassed me and 412 00:20:50,690 --> 00:20:52,370 Speaker 9: it musty love. 413 00:20:52,930 --> 00:20:53,810 Speaker 6: You live shit. 414 00:20:53,610 --> 00:20:56,410 Speaker 9: Everywhere for me to clean in the living room, the 415 00:20:56,530 --> 00:21:00,210 Speaker 9: kitchen too. But I'll carry you with a sawback stepped 416 00:21:00,250 --> 00:21:01,850 Speaker 9: on your lego my foot went crack. 417 00:21:02,050 --> 00:21:03,330 Speaker 6: I think it must be love. 418 00:21:06,370 --> 00:21:10,210 Speaker 8: Okay, this spits for our preteens and jen alphers. 419 00:21:11,330 --> 00:21:12,410 Speaker 6: My phone is missing. 420 00:21:12,610 --> 00:21:15,570 Speaker 9: Look behold, I've been out with a by ten year old. 421 00:21:15,770 --> 00:21:18,890 Speaker 6: My cop is full. I'm highly stressed. Oh it's a 422 00:21:18,890 --> 00:21:22,850 Speaker 6: glorious mess. He feels like love when. 423 00:21:22,650 --> 00:21:26,410 Speaker 9: You argue back about everything. And it must be love 424 00:21:26,890 --> 00:21:28,770 Speaker 9: when you put a mirror up to my behaviors and 425 00:21:28,810 --> 00:21:32,770 Speaker 9: cause me to have an existential crisis. But I'll drive 426 00:21:32,810 --> 00:21:35,570 Speaker 9: you around to any town when it's pissing down for 427 00:21:35,730 --> 00:21:38,890 Speaker 9: Saturday Sport. You've blogged my change, but then you got caught. 428 00:21:39,370 --> 00:21:43,810 Speaker 9: I think that this is quite challenging if I'm honest, 429 00:21:45,210 --> 00:21:46,730 Speaker 9: love yeah. 430 00:21:48,370 --> 00:21:48,810 Speaker 2: Tell me. 431 00:21:49,810 --> 00:21:53,410 Speaker 8: Thank you very much, relatable and as you can tell, 432 00:21:53,530 --> 00:21:54,810 Speaker 8: I'm under the put Yeah. 433 00:21:55,090 --> 00:21:58,530 Speaker 1: We're also a very very talented musician. Can I just. 434 00:21:58,490 --> 00:22:01,330 Speaker 6: Say thank you so much? Guys, it's been a pleasure. 435 00:22:02,010 --> 00:22:05,050 Speaker 3: Thanks for listening to this glorious mess. We hope you 436 00:22:05,170 --> 00:22:07,650 Speaker 3: enjoyed the show, and if you did, we'd love it 437 00:22:07,690 --> 00:22:10,490 Speaker 3: if you left us a rating or aw if you 438 00:22:10,570 --> 00:22:14,050 Speaker 3: have a dilemma, you'd like Sarah Marie to resolve. You 439 00:22:14,090 --> 00:22:16,970 Speaker 3: can send us a voice note all the information there's 440 00:22:16,970 --> 00:22:18,250 Speaker 3: a link in the show notes. 441 00:22:18,250 --> 00:22:21,690 Speaker 5: Or you can even place for a quest for Tom. 442 00:22:21,770 --> 00:22:24,170 Speaker 5: If you would like your very own theme song, send 443 00:22:24,210 --> 00:22:26,330 Speaker 5: on through what you would like Tom to sing? 444 00:22:26,450 --> 00:22:27,410 Speaker 1: What a Star he Is? 445 00:22:28,050 --> 00:22:31,170 Speaker 5: This episode was produced by Grace Roubray with audio production 446 00:22:31,250 --> 00:22:33,330 Speaker 5: by Lou Hill And We'll see you next. 447 00:22:33,090 --> 00:22:34,370 Speaker 4: Week, see you next time. 448 00:22:36,970 --> 00:22:39,970 Speaker 3: I hope you liked this episode. If you want more, 449 00:22:40,050 --> 00:22:42,930 Speaker 3: you can head over to this Glorious Mess podcast feed. 450 00:22:43,170 --> 00:22:46,170 Speaker 3: There's a link in the show notes, and each episode 451 00:22:46,250 --> 00:22:48,810 Speaker 3: we want to make you feel seen and heard as 452 00:22:48,850 --> 00:22:51,730 Speaker 3: a parent and hopefully give you a little chuckle in 453 00:22:51,770 --> 00:22:55,770 Speaker 3: your day, because there really is humor and glory in 454 00:22:55,810 --> 00:22:59,650 Speaker 3: the mess of it, One big, giant, glorious mess.