WEBVTT - "Am I Going to Die?” Ellie Harrison Was Diagnosed With HIV At 21 0:00:10.405 --> 0:00:15.005 You're listening to a MoMA Mia podcast. Mamma Maya acknowledges 0:00:15.045 --> 0:00:17.685 the traditional owners of land and waters that this podcast 0:00:17.765 --> 0:00:18.525 is recorded on. 0:00:18.765 --> 0:00:21.165 I barely sat down by the time a nurse and 0:00:21.285 --> 0:00:23.805 pulled my name to go into a room. And we 0:00:23.885 --> 0:00:26.605 had to walk down quite a long corridor for us 0:00:26.605 --> 0:00:28.405 to get to the room we were going to, and 0:00:28.445 --> 0:00:30.565 she kept looking back at me, and you know, it's 0:00:30.605 --> 0:00:33.725 that look where you're like, Oh, I know she's about 0:00:33.765 --> 0:00:36.285 to tell me something bad. She knows it too, and 0:00:36.325 --> 0:00:45.405 we're both just looking at each other, like Oh. 0:00:45.925 --> 0:00:48.805 Ellie Harrison, like a lot of us, at twenty one, 0:00:49.565 --> 0:00:54.165 was having fun. She was working in fashion, studying, going 0:00:54.205 --> 0:00:58.205 out partying with her friends, and she had a boyfriend 0:00:58.845 --> 0:01:03.165 who we can't name for reasons you'll hear soon. Ellie 0:01:03.205 --> 0:01:06.085 had been with her boyfriend for about a year when 0:01:06.125 --> 0:01:09.725 she decided to get a routine STI test to be 0:01:09.765 --> 0:01:17.285 a responsible near adult. The results changed her life. Ellie 0:01:18.125 --> 0:01:23.685 was diagnosed with HIV three letters that sent her into 0:01:23.765 --> 0:01:28.645 a panic. What did this mean, would she survive? And 0:01:28.765 --> 0:01:33.725 of course, how did she get it. Ellie's life is 0:01:33.805 --> 0:01:41.605 divided between before HIV and after HIV. So we started 0:01:41.925 --> 0:01:48.525 in the before times. Ellie Harrison, Welcome to No Filter. 0:01:48.725 --> 0:01:52.125 Thanks for having me in thinking about you and the 0:01:52.165 --> 0:01:53.845 story that you're about to share with us. 0:01:53.925 --> 0:01:54.485 I think that. 0:01:54.525 --> 0:02:01.005 Sometimes in life, when seismic and cataclysmic things happen, you 0:02:01.205 --> 0:02:04.325 tend to see your life as like a before and 0:02:04.405 --> 0:02:05.085 an after. 0:02:06.285 --> 0:02:07.005 It before and after. 0:02:07.885 --> 0:02:09.245 Right, what was your before? 0:02:09.445 --> 0:02:12.005 Tell us where you were in twenty eighteen and what 0:02:12.165 --> 0:02:13.205 itly looked like then. 0:02:14.485 --> 0:02:18.085 So I was twenty one at the time. I was 0:02:18.125 --> 0:02:21.805 still studying at university. So my university, the way it 0:02:21.845 --> 0:02:23.725 worked is you do two year studying, you do one 0:02:23.765 --> 0:02:25.965 year away and a placement year at work, and then 0:02:26.005 --> 0:02:28.485 you come back for your final year. I had just 0:02:28.525 --> 0:02:31.245 finished my placement year. I was working in London. It 0:02:31.325 --> 0:02:33.885 was like really fun. I worked at a huge fashion company. 0:02:33.925 --> 0:02:36.445 I was having like the time of my life, and 0:02:36.485 --> 0:02:40.885 then this kind of all unraveled. Probably the best point 0:02:40.965 --> 0:02:44.045 I've ever been in my life. It just kind of 0:02:44.165 --> 0:02:45.285 fell apart from them. 0:02:46.125 --> 0:02:48.565 What happened when it fell apart. 0:02:48.765 --> 0:02:51.885 So I'd been in a relationship for just over a year. 0:02:52.365 --> 0:02:54.725 Because I'd moved to London to study. I then moved 0:02:54.765 --> 0:02:58.805 back to Birmingham to finish my university degree, and I'd 0:02:58.805 --> 0:03:01.325 made the decision because it was a long distance relationship 0:03:01.365 --> 0:03:03.765 that I wanted to get tested. I didn't think my 0:03:03.805 --> 0:03:06.685 relationship can go the distance, and I thought it's safe 0:03:06.685 --> 0:03:10.485 to get tested, and I just ordered a routine home 0:03:10.605 --> 0:03:14.125 SDI test. Didn't for any reason. I'd no symptoms, didn't 0:03:14.125 --> 0:03:15.765 imagine anything was going to happen. It was just a 0:03:15.805 --> 0:03:19.885 precautionary measure. And then I was diagnosed as HIV. 0:03:19.765 --> 0:03:24.045 Positive from your at home taste. Yeah, and what was 0:03:24.085 --> 0:03:24.925 the at home taste? 0:03:24.965 --> 0:03:28.085 Was it a leak taste or a saliva taste or 0:03:28.125 --> 0:03:28.885 how do you do it? 0:03:29.965 --> 0:03:32.965 So it tested for every single STI So there's two 0:03:33.045 --> 0:03:35.925 swamps you do one for the throat, one for downstairs, 0:03:35.965 --> 0:03:38.125 and then you aught to do a blood sample. So 0:03:38.165 --> 0:03:40.645 I'd done all of these tests center off obviously expected 0:03:40.685 --> 0:03:44.285 it to come back completely clear, and it didn't. This 0:03:44.405 --> 0:03:47.005 was back in twenty eighteen, and I think maybe the 0:03:47.165 --> 0:03:49.885 education in especially in the UK, for sexual health wasn't 0:03:49.925 --> 0:03:52.565 as good as it should have been. I got a 0:03:52.645 --> 0:03:55.085 text to say I needed to come back into the clinic. 0:03:55.645 --> 0:03:58.325 I had gone back in and my immediate thought was 0:03:58.405 --> 0:04:01.085 I've got chlamydia or I've got gonorrhea, some kind of 0:04:01.445 --> 0:04:05.045 lesser SDI. It wasn't until I walked into the clinic 0:04:05.085 --> 0:04:07.205 they explained that the test that had come back as 0:04:07.245 --> 0:04:11.765 reactive was HIV. At that point, the nurse advised me 0:04:12.045 --> 0:04:14.965 it was highly likely it was a false positive and 0:04:15.085 --> 0:04:17.085 I had nothing to worry about. I'd been in a 0:04:17.125 --> 0:04:20.405 long term relationship, I had tested negative literally a year 0:04:20.485 --> 0:04:23.645 prior before I met my boyfriend, and I had nothing 0:04:23.645 --> 0:04:26.365 to be concerned about. So I left that appointment kind 0:04:26.365 --> 0:04:29.165 of thinking it's a clerical error, maybe the bloods were 0:04:29.205 --> 0:04:32.285 mixed up or something went wrong. And I then about 0:04:32.285 --> 0:04:34.445 a week after that, got a call to say could 0:04:34.445 --> 0:04:36.965 you come in immediately? And I was like, well, how 0:04:37.005 --> 0:04:40.085 soon as immediately? And they were like now right. 0:04:40.525 --> 0:04:43.605 And in that moment, did you know. 0:04:45.205 --> 0:04:48.685 Yeah, I had only been retested for one thing. So 0:04:48.685 --> 0:04:51.405 I'd been retested for HIV and nothing else. And at 0:04:51.405 --> 0:04:53.605 the point they said come back in, it was pretty 0:04:53.605 --> 0:04:55.805 clear cut to me that the only thing that was 0:04:55.845 --> 0:04:57.645 going to be coming back was that as a positive. 0:04:58.365 --> 0:05:01.605 I panicked and I cried, and I was like I 0:05:02.645 --> 0:05:04.045 don't know what to do, Like I don't know where 0:05:04.085 --> 0:05:07.165 to go, and I'm so fortunate. I have a fantastic 0:05:07.205 --> 0:05:09.405 relationship with my mum and dad, so I rang my 0:05:09.405 --> 0:05:11.565 my dad instantly to be like, I think this is 0:05:11.605 --> 0:05:13.805 about to happen to me. Could you come and sit 0:05:13.845 --> 0:05:14.045 with me? 0:05:15.205 --> 0:05:17.405 Where were you in that moment? Were you still in 0:05:17.445 --> 0:05:17.965 the clinic? 0:05:18.285 --> 0:05:20.965 I was at work, So I'd actually took a summer 0:05:20.965 --> 0:05:24.205 placement like a second internship, to basically work in Birmingham 0:05:24.205 --> 0:05:27.685 before I went back to UNI, and I had, I 0:05:27.725 --> 0:05:30.405 want to say about forty missed calls. I went on 0:05:30.405 --> 0:05:32.085 my lunch break, I didn't have my phone with me, 0:05:32.125 --> 0:05:33.325 and as soon as I got to my phone and 0:05:33.365 --> 0:05:36.325 I was like, oh, something has happened. 0:05:36.565 --> 0:05:42.365 Oh yes, and your first thought was to call your parents. 0:05:42.645 --> 0:05:45.125 That was your first call immediately Mom and Dad? 0:05:45.205 --> 0:05:48.605 Yeah, and what did you say in that fine call? 0:05:49.165 --> 0:05:51.245 So they were aware of the fact I'd had this 0:05:51.485 --> 0:05:55.565 false positive, so bless the hearts. They were actually at 0:05:55.565 --> 0:05:58.605 an eighties festival, so it's a Monday morning, they were 0:05:58.805 --> 0:06:02.365 about to head back home from a big weekend of drinking, 0:06:02.605 --> 0:06:04.205 and I'd called them and I was like, can you 0:06:04.445 --> 0:06:06.765 can you come to me? I think in the next 0:06:06.765 --> 0:06:08.965 hour or so I'm going to be told I'm HIV positive. 0:06:09.005 --> 0:06:11.565 Could you could you get here? My mom and dad 0:06:11.605 --> 0:06:14.645 are in choose live T shirts, violently hungover, and like, 0:06:14.765 --> 0:06:17.245 we will do what we can. We will be there. 0:06:17.365 --> 0:06:19.445 It's going to take us about four or five hours, 0:06:19.445 --> 0:06:20.365 but we will get to you. 0:06:21.245 --> 0:06:22.365 What did you do then? 0:06:22.685 --> 0:06:25.005 So I went back to work crying my eyes out, 0:06:25.325 --> 0:06:27.325 and I was like, look, I need to leave. I've 0:06:27.365 --> 0:06:30.045 got this doctor's appointment. At the time, I didn't really 0:06:30.045 --> 0:06:32.365 want to give away too much information, so I was like, 0:06:32.365 --> 0:06:33.805 I've just been called by the hospital. They say I 0:06:33.805 --> 0:06:36.085 need to come, and now got myself an uber. I 0:06:36.205 --> 0:06:40.605 arrived probably twenty thirty minutes early for the appointment, so 0:06:40.645 --> 0:06:42.685 I got a coffee and I just sat on a 0:06:42.765 --> 0:06:44.365 church bench and wasted. 0:06:45.285 --> 0:06:46.565 How were you mean to leading? 0:06:47.565 --> 0:06:50.365 I explain it to everyone, and I think it continued 0:06:50.405 --> 0:06:52.525 like this for months. But you know in Chicken Little 0:06:52.565 --> 0:06:55.205 where he says the sky is falling, That's what it 0:06:55.245 --> 0:06:57.005 felt like to me, that I was saying to everyone, 0:06:57.085 --> 0:06:59.405 the sky is falling, but no one else could see it, 0:06:59.525 --> 0:07:02.685 Like everyone's life was continuing normally, but to me, the 0:07:02.765 --> 0:07:05.885 sky had fallen in and no one was hearing me. 0:07:06.085 --> 0:07:09.045 Like desperately being like this is something bad is happening? 0:07:09.485 --> 0:07:14.285 I do, And was your intention to wait for your 0:07:14.365 --> 0:07:18.605 parents or did you after the church bench you went 0:07:18.645 --> 0:07:19.205 to the clinic. 0:07:19.285 --> 0:07:21.325 Went to the clinic on my own. I think in 0:07:21.405 --> 0:07:23.605 my head I expected it that when I walked into 0:07:23.605 --> 0:07:25.405 the clinic I'd be sat in this waiting room for 0:07:25.445 --> 0:07:27.485 like twenty thirty minutes, and I was like, God, it's 0:07:27.485 --> 0:07:30.685 going to be so daunting. It all actually happened quite quickly. 0:07:30.765 --> 0:07:33.245 So I went in, said my name, got took into 0:07:33.245 --> 0:07:36.005 a waiting room, and I barely sat down by the 0:07:36.045 --> 0:07:37.845 time a nurse had called my name to go into 0:07:37.885 --> 0:07:40.445 a room. And we had to walk down quite a 0:07:40.485 --> 0:07:43.285 long court corridor for us to get to the room 0:07:43.325 --> 0:07:45.645 we were going to, and she kept looking back at me, 0:07:45.885 --> 0:07:47.565 and you know, it's that look where you're like, oh, 0:07:49.045 --> 0:07:51.565 I know she's about to tell me something bad. She 0:07:51.725 --> 0:07:53.645 knows it too, and we're both just looking at each 0:07:53.645 --> 0:07:56.565 other like oh oh oh. 0:07:56.605 --> 0:07:58.925 And it's like with every step, were you like, I 0:07:58.965 --> 0:08:00.525 don't want to take the next step. 0:08:01.245 --> 0:08:03.565 How did they deliver the news to you? 0:08:03.965 --> 0:08:06.965 So for me it was one on one. She'd basically 0:08:07.285 --> 0:08:09.845 walked me into the room and before we have time 0:08:09.885 --> 0:08:11.605 to like shut the door behind us. I was like, 0:08:11.765 --> 0:08:13.725 just say it now, Like, just just say it. I 0:08:13.765 --> 0:08:15.005 was like, I just need you to say it. And 0:08:15.045 --> 0:08:17.125 she was like, look, calm down, like we can do 0:08:17.165 --> 0:08:19.165 this slowly, and I was like, no, I need this, 0:08:19.245 --> 0:08:21.685 I need to process. I need to go through this quickly. 0:08:22.285 --> 0:08:24.525 So she shut the door and went, I'm really sorry 0:08:24.565 --> 0:08:27.965 your HIV positive. Yeah. I then had about six or 0:08:28.005 --> 0:08:31.765 seven panic attacks, so they were quite concerned at that point. 0:08:31.845 --> 0:08:33.725 They kept trying to get me to lie down, and 0:08:33.765 --> 0:08:35.485 they were like, do you need us to call anyone? 0:08:35.485 --> 0:08:37.765 And I was like, I don't have so my best 0:08:37.765 --> 0:08:40.365 friend at the time, I had been wringing her constantly 0:08:40.405 --> 0:08:42.325 to be like come, come here, come here, but she 0:08:42.525 --> 0:08:44.605 worked nights, so she was fast to see. It was 0:08:44.645 --> 0:08:47.565 like ten o'clock in the morning, fine off, and I'm 0:08:47.605 --> 0:08:50.085 like desperately ringing me like, I was like, she will come. 0:08:50.285 --> 0:08:51.725 My parents are on the way. I was like, I 0:08:51.845 --> 0:08:53.485 just need someone to get me through like the next 0:08:53.525 --> 0:08:56.125 thirty minutes for my friend to wake up, and then 0:08:56.165 --> 0:08:57.925 we can like figure the rest of this out. 0:08:58.605 --> 0:09:01.925 What happened? Did you lie down for the thirty minutes? 0:09:01.965 --> 0:09:02.365 Were you? 0:09:02.965 --> 0:09:05.405 Yeah? The nurse was wonderful. So she laid me down 0:09:06.205 --> 0:09:08.805 and she basically started talking to me about like everything 0:09:08.845 --> 0:09:11.205 that hid and I don't think at that point in 0:09:11.245 --> 0:09:13.365 time nothing went in right. I was not listening to 0:09:13.445 --> 0:09:15.765 anything they were saying, but she was going through everything 0:09:15.765 --> 0:09:17.805 about this is the medication you can take, this is 0:09:17.805 --> 0:09:19.765 the life you can live. Everything's going to be okay. 0:09:20.245 --> 0:09:22.285 But all I'm doing is like fast tracking, being like 0:09:22.325 --> 0:09:24.085 I don't know what's going on. Am I going to die? 0:09:24.245 --> 0:09:27.445 What's going to happen? They asked me to wait at 0:09:27.445 --> 0:09:31.205 the clinic until someone could meet me. I refused that 0:09:31.325 --> 0:09:32.845 and I said, look, I just I need to get 0:09:32.925 --> 0:09:35.685 out of here. I really need some space. So after 0:09:35.725 --> 0:09:37.885 about forty five minutes of talking with her, they did 0:09:38.005 --> 0:09:42.045 let me leave. I then walked towards where my friend lived. 0:09:42.525 --> 0:09:44.565 She'd woken up in that time and she was like, look, 0:09:44.565 --> 0:09:45.845 I just need to jump in the shower and get 0:09:45.845 --> 0:09:48.725 some clothes on. I'll come meet you. And I sat 0:09:48.805 --> 0:09:51.485 on a canal in Birmingham with a can of Stella 0:09:51.605 --> 0:09:55.445 and twenty cigarettes and waited for someone to done up. 0:09:56.205 --> 0:09:57.685 Oh do you normally smoke? 0:09:58.365 --> 0:10:01.885 No? Oh? 0:10:02.005 --> 0:10:02.605 Oh wow? 0:10:02.885 --> 0:10:05.205 Well at that point you would have been like well, 0:10:05.245 --> 0:10:06.805 what are these health warnings? 0:10:07.565 --> 0:10:11.365 Yeah, I think my immediate con is I do not 0:10:11.445 --> 0:10:14.285 ever recall having any knowledge of HIV, so I don't 0:10:14.285 --> 0:10:16.565 remember being taught as well. I'm sure I probably was, 0:10:16.845 --> 0:10:19.565 but I don't have that memory. So I kind of 0:10:19.605 --> 0:10:22.045 had carried a lot of the eighties stigma through and 0:10:22.085 --> 0:10:23.885 I was like, I think I might die? Is this 0:10:23.965 --> 0:10:26.605 a death sentence? Am I going to live? So I 0:10:26.645 --> 0:10:28.605 think for a lot of that first day I was 0:10:28.645 --> 0:10:30.405 still in a lot of panic of I didn't know 0:10:30.445 --> 0:10:31.605 what was going to happen to. 0:10:31.565 --> 0:10:34.805 Me, and the irony really of your parents being at 0:10:34.845 --> 0:10:38.565 an eighties festival because they would have been very cognizant 0:10:38.645 --> 0:10:42.565 in the eighties of yascourge of AIDS and HIV at 0:10:42.565 --> 0:10:46.005 the time, and what were they doing? So they're still 0:10:46.165 --> 0:10:48.685 en route to you in they choose Life TA shirts. 0:10:49.085 --> 0:10:52.125 Yeah, bless their heart. So one of the leading HIV 0:10:52.285 --> 0:10:55.085 charities in the UK is called Terence Higgins Trust. My 0:10:55.725 --> 0:10:59.245 parents remember Terence Higgins from back in kind of the eighties, 0:10:59.325 --> 0:11:02.125 nineties and the noughties. And when they weren't on the 0:11:02.125 --> 0:11:03.725 phone to me, they were on the phone to them 0:11:04.285 --> 0:11:06.525 and they had called the support line to ask for 0:11:06.565 --> 0:11:08.125 help to be like, what do we do Our daughter 0:11:08.165 --> 0:11:12.685 has just been diagnosed, and they gave them powerful information 0:11:12.925 --> 0:11:15.645 of oh, this is what Ellie needs to know, but 0:11:15.685 --> 0:11:17.485 this is also what you need to say when you 0:11:17.525 --> 0:11:20.765 get there, because she's currently doing one thousand miles an hour. 0:11:21.165 --> 0:11:23.285 So don't turn up and list all of these fantastic 0:11:23.285 --> 0:11:25.645 things because she's not ready. What you need to be 0:11:25.725 --> 0:11:27.405 ready for is to like be her mum and dad 0:11:27.405 --> 0:11:30.365 and just support and get her through the next few days, 0:11:30.805 --> 0:11:32.645 and then you can give her all the information of 0:11:32.645 --> 0:11:33.685 what's going to happen next. 0:11:34.125 --> 0:11:36.645 In that period of time, Ellie, when you're waiting for 0:11:36.685 --> 0:11:40.045 your friend and you're waiting for your parents and your 0:11:40.085 --> 0:11:44.005 chicken little and your sky has fallen, well, you like, 0:11:44.085 --> 0:11:44.885 how did I get this? 0:11:44.925 --> 0:11:45.725 How did I get this? 0:11:46.045 --> 0:11:48.885 I think I carried that not just from that day, 0:11:48.965 --> 0:11:52.405 for like a good three years of not just how 0:11:52.445 --> 0:11:54.765 did I get it? But why me? Like why did 0:11:54.805 --> 0:11:57.445 this have to happen to me? I was in a relationship. 0:11:57.485 --> 0:11:59.925 I had always been very good at testing. This was 0:11:59.965 --> 0:12:01.765 not a test I did for symptoms. This is not 0:12:01.805 --> 0:12:04.765 something I thought I'd contracted. So I was like, why 0:12:04.805 --> 0:12:08.405 if I'm so safe at getting tested? Between partners, has 0:12:08.445 --> 0:12:09.525 this had to occur. 0:12:10.405 --> 0:12:11.445 And how did it occur? 0:12:11.805 --> 0:12:14.165 I don't fully know the ins and the out of 0:12:14.445 --> 0:12:17.805 what happened. In the UK, is a legal requirement when 0:12:17.805 --> 0:12:21.165 you're diagnosed that you do partner tracing, So any person 0:12:21.325 --> 0:12:24.165 six months prior to your last negative tests you contact, 0:12:24.565 --> 0:12:26.165 you can do it yourself where you can get it 0:12:26.165 --> 0:12:28.085 done anonymously and the clinic will do it for you. 0:12:28.965 --> 0:12:31.925 I from my knowledge, there is only one person that 0:12:32.005 --> 0:12:34.085 I know that I have had sexual contact with that 0:12:34.125 --> 0:12:37.445 has HIV, so I can make deductions from that of 0:12:37.525 --> 0:12:42.245 what I think occurred. Unfortunately, my yeah, my relationship broke 0:12:42.325 --> 0:12:47.245 down very quickly after being diagnosed, and therefore there's a 0:12:47.285 --> 0:12:50.205 lot of unanswered questions of how did it occur, how 0:12:50.205 --> 0:12:53.765 did this happen, and where did this kind of stem from. 0:12:54.045 --> 0:12:56.845 So I think that's also like something you carry because 0:12:56.885 --> 0:12:59.045 you always want to know the ifs, the wise, the wares, 0:12:59.725 --> 0:13:02.205 and it's something I've just had to learn to accept 0:13:02.245 --> 0:13:03.925 that I'm not going to get. 0:13:03.765 --> 0:13:07.245 That so you had to make how many fine calls? 0:13:07.845 --> 0:13:10.605 So for me, there was three people that I had 0:13:10.605 --> 0:13:14.605 contact with. One was basically currently my boyfriend, One was 0:13:14.605 --> 0:13:17.085 a boyfriend I had before I met him. And another 0:13:17.165 --> 0:13:19.445 one was someone that I had just had sex with 0:13:19.485 --> 0:13:23.325 at university. My boyfriend I told before I got into 0:13:23.365 --> 0:13:25.325 the clinics, when I sat on this church bench. I 0:13:25.365 --> 0:13:27.725 had told him. He knew about the whole positive and 0:13:27.765 --> 0:13:31.365 he was aware that this could happen. The boyfriend before that, 0:13:31.485 --> 0:13:35.205 I told personally and said, look, get yourself tested. The 0:13:35.245 --> 0:13:38.925 guy from university I did anonymously, So the clinic told 0:13:39.005 --> 0:13:43.045 him on my behalf, because at that time I thought 0:13:43.085 --> 0:13:46.525 if I told him, he would tell everyone at UNI, 0:13:47.005 --> 0:13:49.245 which is not what I wanted when I was about 0:13:49.325 --> 0:13:50.845 to go back to my final year. 0:13:51.485 --> 0:13:54.365 Right, So if they tell him anonymously, did I tell 0:13:54.445 --> 0:13:57.285 him who you are or just that's been in contact 0:13:57.285 --> 0:13:57.845 with someone? 0:13:58.365 --> 0:13:59.405 Just that he's been in contact. 0:14:00.365 --> 0:14:03.485 And the other guy that you told personally, how did 0:14:03.525 --> 0:14:04.125 he take that? 0:14:04.765 --> 0:14:08.325 Incredibly well because he'd already had Bear in mind, I've 0:14:08.365 --> 0:14:11.085 not been with this guy but almost like maybe like 0:14:11.165 --> 0:14:13.925 sixteen months. At this point, he'd already been tested and 0:14:13.965 --> 0:14:17.325 had had negative HIV results, and therefore the chances of 0:14:17.405 --> 0:14:20.725 us passing it back and forth or whatever were very slim. 0:14:21.245 --> 0:14:26.765 Right, and then the conversation with your current boyfriend. 0:14:26.325 --> 0:14:30.045 I think I was very emotionally charged, and I was 0:14:30.045 --> 0:14:32.645 of the opinion I was twenty one, and I thought, 0:14:32.805 --> 0:14:36.525 if it was me and just I have it. And 0:14:36.565 --> 0:14:38.685 I think statistically this is quite well known that it's 0:14:38.765 --> 0:14:40.605 quite hard for a woman to pass it to a man. 0:14:40.965 --> 0:14:42.525 So there was a chance that if I had had 0:14:42.525 --> 0:14:44.765 it for our whole relationship, I may not have passed 0:14:44.765 --> 0:14:47.485 it on to him. And I did say at the time, 0:14:47.765 --> 0:14:51.245 if it's just me, let's break up immediately. Never speak 0:14:51.245 --> 0:14:52.885 to me again. What's about to happen to me is 0:14:52.925 --> 0:14:55.005 going to be horrible, and I don't want you to 0:14:55.085 --> 0:15:00.405 witness this. He ended up also being positive, which then 0:15:00.445 --> 0:15:03.605 poses a question of where did it come from. I 0:15:03.645 --> 0:15:09.005 think the reaction to that from my side, I protected 0:15:09.045 --> 0:15:12.005 him lot. So if my parents ever asked does he 0:15:12.085 --> 0:15:14.045 have it? I was like, it's none of your business. 0:15:14.085 --> 0:15:16.125 Like our only concern as a family should be making 0:15:16.165 --> 0:15:18.605 me better, right, and that's what we focus on. So 0:15:18.645 --> 0:15:20.445 it doesn't matter whether he has it or not. It's 0:15:20.445 --> 0:15:23.325 not a conversation I need to have. He chose a 0:15:23.525 --> 0:15:28.045 different approach and decided to tell people that I had 0:15:28.125 --> 0:15:31.205 given him it, and I did it on purpose, and 0:15:31.245 --> 0:15:35.245 that was kind of a breakdown of our relationship, sure, 0:15:35.285 --> 0:15:38.085 because I was protecting him so much to try and 0:15:38.485 --> 0:15:41.565 soften the blow, and I didn't feel like it's being reciprocated. 0:15:42.325 --> 0:15:44.845 You were saying to your pearents that you were protecting 0:15:44.845 --> 0:15:45.205 the guy. 0:15:46.085 --> 0:15:47.085 Why were you doing that? 0:15:47.245 --> 0:15:51.685 Do you think? I? And it's hard to differential. So 0:15:51.685 --> 0:15:53.085 I'm twenty eight now and I was twenty one at 0:15:53.125 --> 0:15:57.245 the time. I thought he was my soulmate. Right. I 0:15:57.845 --> 0:16:00.525 was so bewilderingly in love with this man that like 0:16:00.805 --> 0:16:04.485 nothing else mattered. So from my perspective, all I wanted 0:16:04.485 --> 0:16:06.565 to do is make a place where if this was 0:16:06.605 --> 0:16:09.525 going to have longevity and continue, I did not want 0:16:09.565 --> 0:16:11.085 him to be in a position of coming to my 0:16:11.245 --> 0:16:14.485 family home and being made to feel like he had 0:16:14.525 --> 0:16:18.565 done something bad. Right, So my immediate reaction was I 0:16:18.565 --> 0:16:21.205 want to shield that because it doesn't matter who did 0:16:21.245 --> 0:16:23.285 what to who. We're in the situation we were in. 0:16:24.485 --> 0:16:27.845 And I think my parents probably sensed that that was 0:16:27.885 --> 0:16:29.885 the case. That I was trying to be very forward 0:16:29.925 --> 0:16:31.965 thinking and being a lot more like, I don't want 0:16:32.165 --> 0:16:34.845 emotional damage for anyone. Really, I want this to be 0:16:34.925 --> 0:16:36.605 like a smooth ride. I wants to be as painless 0:16:36.645 --> 0:16:40.605 as possible, and I just think maybe from his perspective, 0:16:41.485 --> 0:16:43.125 it wasn't seen that way. 0:16:44.085 --> 0:16:46.965 Do you think he knew about himself. 0:16:47.125 --> 0:16:49.405 I don't think he knew he had it. I think 0:16:49.445 --> 0:16:54.125 he may have had suspicions years prior to meeting me. 0:16:55.365 --> 0:16:57.525 So I think from the information that I've had, and 0:16:57.605 --> 0:16:59.805 you never know when you hear like gossip or hearsay, 0:17:00.285 --> 0:17:03.845 I think that perhaps he had an inclination, or he 0:17:03.925 --> 0:17:06.325 had been part of the trace, or something had occurred 0:17:06.405 --> 0:17:09.805 to make him think it could be the case. Had 0:17:09.845 --> 0:17:12.845 never got tested, had never thought this could happen to him, 0:17:13.005 --> 0:17:15.045 and when it all unfolded, I think for him it 0:17:15.085 --> 0:17:18.685 probably felt like everything was falling inwards because all the 0:17:18.725 --> 0:17:22.525 worries he's had before were coming true. And I imagine 0:17:22.525 --> 0:17:24.525 for him that was a lot like it was a 0:17:24.605 --> 0:17:27.285 huge emotional roller coaster. To realize that all the things 0:17:27.325 --> 0:17:30.365 you were saying weren't true are now happening. To then 0:17:30.365 --> 0:17:33.125 have affected someone else that you care about probably was 0:17:33.205 --> 0:17:33.925 quite hard. 0:17:34.925 --> 0:17:37.005 I don't understand. I imagine I'm like a lot of 0:17:37.045 --> 0:17:42.325 people in this regard. Yeah, so you've come back HIV positive. 0:17:43.805 --> 0:17:47.645 What is the link with HIV positive an aids. 0:17:47.885 --> 0:17:51.565 So they are two separate things. HIV itself is a virus, 0:17:51.725 --> 0:17:53.645 so that is the virus you get, So that is 0:17:54.125 --> 0:17:56.925 it basically affects your immune system and it will attack 0:17:57.045 --> 0:18:00.445 directly your immune system selves and replicate. It replicates to 0:18:00.485 --> 0:18:02.765 a point where your immune system will start to degrade 0:18:03.125 --> 0:18:05.765 because your immunitist was being taken over by HIV cells 0:18:05.765 --> 0:18:08.925 instead of replicating as immune system cells. So if you 0:18:09.005 --> 0:18:11.525 imagine that your immune system themselves are like a little 0:18:11.565 --> 0:18:13.845 factory and what they do every day is normally your 0:18:13.845 --> 0:18:16.325 immune system will then just pop out. Now immune system 0:18:16.365 --> 0:18:19.805 selves every day. HV is smart enough, it infects that 0:18:19.925 --> 0:18:23.885 cell and instead of reproducing immune systems, it reproduces HIV, 0:18:24.845 --> 0:18:27.325 which is what causes the virus to become very damaging 0:18:27.365 --> 0:18:29.765 in a person's body because your immune system will drop 0:18:29.805 --> 0:18:33.125 and the virus will increase. At the point that the 0:18:33.205 --> 0:18:36.405 virus gets to a certain level, you reach a point 0:18:36.405 --> 0:18:39.245 that you have no immune system to fight off any infection. 0:18:39.405 --> 0:18:42.845 So whether that's tonsilitis thrush or even like the sarcoma's 0:18:42.885 --> 0:18:46.325 we know from the eighties skin cancers, at that point 0:18:46.365 --> 0:18:49.725 it's what you call acquired immuno deficiency. So your immune 0:18:49.725 --> 0:18:53.125 system is now that compromised that you cannot fight off 0:18:53.565 --> 0:18:56.285 and that is when you develop what they call AIDS. 0:18:57.005 --> 0:19:02.285 But now there's medication that can prevent HIV becoming AIDS. 0:19:02.605 --> 0:19:05.885 Yeah, so, especially in the UK, and I think it's 0:19:05.885 --> 0:19:09.805 the same in Australia. Now there's not really any level 0:19:10.085 --> 0:19:13.205 of degradation to your immune system that you can't come 0:19:13.205 --> 0:19:15.805 back from. The medication is that powerful that even if so, 0:19:15.885 --> 0:19:18.925 a normal person like you will have about one thousand, 0:19:19.045 --> 0:19:23.125 six hundred per mili liter immune system cells. Someone living 0:19:23.125 --> 0:19:25.925 with HIV typically has between eight hundred to one thousand. 0:19:26.005 --> 0:19:28.125 It can go higher, but that's normally where you float 0:19:28.685 --> 0:19:31.685 if you get below two hundred. That's what the classes 0:19:31.885 --> 0:19:35.445