WEBVTT - Concetta Caristo Changed Her Name to Escape a Violent Home 0:00:05.799 --> 0:00:08.519 You're listening to Amma Mia podcast. 0:00:09.159 --> 0:00:11.799 One time, I was like copying a beating and I 0:00:11.839 --> 0:00:13.919 remember laughing. I don't think this was common, but I 0:00:13.959 --> 0:00:18.919 remember laughing, like zoning out, being like, oh this is pathetic, 0:00:19.679 --> 0:00:25.719 Like I am so vulnerable. I'm just a girl and 0:00:25.799 --> 0:00:30.919 you're a grown man kicking me, punching me, and I'm 0:00:30.959 --> 0:00:31.679 making it worse. 0:00:39.279 --> 0:00:42.479 My guest today is comedian and Triple J radio host 0:00:42.679 --> 0:00:47.279 Concetto Caristo. A few weeks ago, millions of Australians watched 0:00:47.279 --> 0:00:49.799 as she was crowned the winner of I'm a Celebrity, 0:00:49.839 --> 0:00:52.479 Get Me out of Here, and walked away with the 0:00:52.519 --> 0:00:56.919 title of Jungle Queen. But for Conchetta, the moment that 0:00:57.039 --> 0:01:01.119 mattered most wasn't the crown. It was the one hundred 0:01:01.159 --> 0:01:05.359 thousand dollars prize she won for charity. The charity she 0:01:05.479 --> 0:01:10.559 chose was full Stop Australia, a national service supporting people 0:01:10.719 --> 0:01:15.799 experiencing sexual, domestic and family violence, and the reason she 0:01:15.959 --> 0:01:20.439 chose that charity is because of her own experiences as 0:01:20.479 --> 0:01:24.599 a child and teenager. Concetta grew up in a home 0:01:24.799 --> 0:01:28.959 where violence was a constant presence. When she was young, 0:01:29.519 --> 0:01:32.279 her mother made a secret call to a domestic violence 0:01:32.319 --> 0:01:36.399 hotline and began planning what the family would later describe 0:01:36.839 --> 0:01:39.159 as their escape on television. 0:01:39.599 --> 0:01:40.719 She may look like. 0:01:40.759 --> 0:01:46.119 A free, fearless comic happily eating pigs penis in the jungle, 0:01:46.959 --> 0:01:50.759 but behind the jokes is someone who has spent years 0:01:50.919 --> 0:01:53.919 quietly working out who she is and what she. 0:01:53.839 --> 0:01:55.079 Wants her life to look like. 0:01:55.959 --> 0:01:58.479 Today we talk about the family she grew up in 0:01:58.999 --> 0:02:02.719 the moment everything changed, the voice in her head that 0:02:02.839 --> 0:02:07.159 tells her she's not good enough, and the strange power 0:02:07.239 --> 0:02:13.239 of humor to turn pain into connection. This is the 0:02:13.279 --> 0:02:18.879 one and only Conchetta Carristo. We are so thrilled to 0:02:19.039 --> 0:02:20.359 have you on No Filter. 0:02:21.479 --> 0:02:21.919 Welcome. 0:02:22.239 --> 0:02:24.079 I kin'd deally what this means me to be here, 0:02:24.279 --> 0:02:28.359 Like I'm so it's very pinched me to speak to you. 0:02:29.079 --> 0:02:31.239 For you to want to speak to me an icon 0:02:31.399 --> 0:02:33.479 like you, I'm like buzzing. 0:02:33.959 --> 0:02:38.679 Well, speaking of icons, because you come to us and 0:02:38.799 --> 0:02:40.679 people may know you through a number of routes. They 0:02:40.719 --> 0:02:42.319 may have seen you doing stand up, they may have 0:02:42.359 --> 0:02:45.039 heard you on your breakfast show on Triple J. But 0:02:45.359 --> 0:02:51.879 most recently, you come to us as royalty, not the 0:02:51.879 --> 0:02:59.559 creepy kind. It's fast but legitimate Australian royalty, the jungle 0:03:00.679 --> 0:03:04.079 queen of the jungle. I'm a celebrity. Get me out 0:03:04.079 --> 0:03:06.999 of here, conchettocharisto crown. 0:03:06.799 --> 0:03:10.239 Oh thank you, hopefully a more wholesome type of royalty. 0:03:10.439 --> 0:03:13.159 If I may say, well, that remains to be sane, 0:03:13.239 --> 0:03:13.719 does it not? 0:03:15.039 --> 0:03:18.119 If we know one thing uneasy lies the head that 0:03:18.159 --> 0:03:19.159 weighs the crown. 0:03:19.919 --> 0:03:26.879 Oh boy, very true power was the crowning moment. It 0:03:26.999 --> 0:03:28.999 was true shock. 0:03:29.719 --> 0:03:31.679 I know that's a boring thing to say, but it 0:03:31.759 --> 0:03:38.799 was true disbelief. I one hundred percent did not think 0:03:38.839 --> 0:03:40.759 it was gonna be me, Like I'm telling you, I 0:03:40.839 --> 0:03:43.839 had been mentally preparing to like be lost if you 0:03:43.959 --> 0:03:47.439 like could be last and it just I will never 0:03:47.479 --> 0:03:50.719 forget that moment of seeing it. But it not feeling real, 0:03:50.839 --> 0:03:54.999 like my brain being so slow, and it just like 0:03:55.359 --> 0:03:57.359 feeling quite numb to it. And it really was only 0:03:57.399 --> 0:04:00.799 like the people around me going ecstatic, our beautiful nath 0:04:00.799 --> 0:04:03.959 Alva included where it was starting to be like, okay, babes, 0:04:04.559 --> 0:04:06.759 pick up now, darling, It's not this fun to just 0:04:06.839 --> 0:04:08.559 be like a stunned mullet. 0:04:08.719 --> 0:04:12.199 So it took a second, but it was unreal. 0:04:11.919 --> 0:04:14.999 And for people who don't know, three endings had been 0:04:15.039 --> 0:04:19.239 filmed already, because the whole series had been pre recorded, 0:04:19.759 --> 0:04:24.199 but nobody knew who was going to be crowned and 0:04:24.199 --> 0:04:25.959 we were all in a pub. I happened to be 0:04:26.039 --> 0:04:30.079 there as well, and they made the announcement live on 0:04:30.159 --> 0:04:34.839 television that it was you. And in that moment, when 0:04:35.199 --> 0:04:39.999 someone like you has had such a charge life with 0:04:40.119 --> 0:04:44.759 so many elements in it, what was it that made 0:04:44.839 --> 0:04:47.239 you think it couldn't be you because it was down 0:04:47.279 --> 0:04:47.879 to three of you. 0:04:50.479 --> 0:04:54.559 I think it was I thought, well, Gary is literally 0:04:54.599 --> 0:04:59.039 the most famous person he is, Gary Sweet, He's the 0:04:59.039 --> 0:05:04.119 most beloved actor in this country. So that's really strong 0:05:04.559 --> 0:05:05.999 and would have a stronghold on the country. And then 0:05:05.999 --> 0:05:08.519 I thought Luke Bateman one of the most to me, 0:05:08.679 --> 0:05:12.759 the famous men in the world, with billion top yes, 0:05:13.439 --> 0:05:15.399 So I just thought, I'm like, you know, I'm the 0:05:15.439 --> 0:05:18.719 one that was like who like you know that one, 0:05:18.799 --> 0:05:21.599 the one that's booked last Vibe. So I think it 0:05:21.679 --> 0:05:24.239 was just a bit of that, And it also just felt, 0:05:24.719 --> 0:05:26.159 if I can say, really huge. 0:05:26.199 --> 0:05:29.119 It just felt like a really huge thing that. 0:05:29.159 --> 0:05:33.239 I think it it felt just a bit too lofty 0:05:33.239 --> 0:05:33.479 I did. 0:05:33.519 --> 0:05:34.319 I have got to be honest. 0:05:34.319 --> 0:05:36.759 I did like dream of it and picture it and 0:05:37.399 --> 0:05:39.519 try to do that self talk to be like, no, 0:05:39.639 --> 0:05:41.839 I am deserving and I also have a shot. But 0:05:42.559 --> 0:05:45.719 really there was that other just that other reality room 0:05:45.719 --> 0:05:46.839 like it's and it's okay. 0:05:47.039 --> 0:05:48.839 Truly, I was like, it's okay if it's not. 0:05:49.639 --> 0:05:52.719 I think the way that you had presented yourself in 0:05:52.759 --> 0:05:58.879 the series, you'd already won. You came across as I'm 0:05:58.919 --> 0:06:02.319 going to say, your authentic, unfiltered self. 0:06:03.839 --> 0:06:07.999 Yep, how much of that was the case. That's a 0:06:08.039 --> 0:06:11.119 really great way of putting it. Okay. I did walk 0:06:11.159 --> 0:06:12.199 in feeling like I'd won. 0:06:12.519 --> 0:06:17.359 I really felt that because I was so grateful to 0:06:17.399 --> 0:06:20.119 be there and so grateful to be doing it, and 0:06:20.239 --> 0:06:25.199 really walked in knowing that the one thing I could 0:06:25.279 --> 0:06:27.839 control when you'd have no control over anything else who 0:06:27.879 --> 0:06:30.119 you're there with, what they're going to put you through, 0:06:30.319 --> 0:06:32.479 like you know, being there twenty four hours a day 0:06:32.479 --> 0:06:34.639 and not knowing how you is just I wanted to 0:06:34.759 --> 0:06:37.679 really embrace it and do that of just try and 0:06:37.719 --> 0:06:39.159 be the most myself. 0:06:40.079 --> 0:06:42.279 So I think I I think I did do that. 0:06:44.119 --> 0:06:47.599 You were as everyone is in those circumstances you stripped 0:06:47.599 --> 0:06:52.799 of everything. Yeah, so you have no phone and you're 0:06:52.799 --> 0:06:58.559 a phone girly, that's right, correct. You have like no makeup, 0:06:58.999 --> 0:07:04.919 oh so much, toilet trees, no no privacy, no bead 0:07:07.159 --> 0:07:11.239 What did you learn about yourself in those circumstances? 0:07:11.399 --> 0:07:13.239 Like was it liberating or was it? 0:07:14.119 --> 0:07:16.799 Obviously initially I imagine that's oppressive. 0:07:18.679 --> 0:07:19.199 Was oppressive? 0:07:19.359 --> 0:07:24.719 I hated in the beginning. I felt like you know 0:07:24.759 --> 0:07:27.199 when a dog puts on shoes and it walks really 0:07:27.199 --> 0:07:29.759 funny and it's literally it can't get its head around it. 0:07:29.919 --> 0:07:32.679 Waking up and being like what do I do? 0:07:32.999 --> 0:07:36.439 Like, okay, I'm going to brush my teeth outside and 0:07:36.479 --> 0:07:38.799 then you know, I can't do my makeup, Like I'm 0:07:38.839 --> 0:07:41.919 just gonna wash my Literally I was like, okay, how 0:07:41.919 --> 0:07:44.559 do I wash my face? And what routine am I 0:07:44.599 --> 0:07:47.799 going to have? Like it really spun me out there. 0:07:47.799 --> 0:07:51.159 No mirror kind of spun me out to We didn't 0:07:51.159 --> 0:07:52.759 have a mirror the first few days. Yes, there's eventually 0:07:52.799 --> 0:07:55.319 a mirror, but even that was being like not being like, 0:07:55.359 --> 0:07:57.599 hey on, I'm always washing my face and looking in 0:07:57.599 --> 0:07:58.039 a mirror. 0:07:58.279 --> 0:07:59.719 How do I not have a mirror? What? 0:08:00.559 --> 0:08:02.759 So? Yeah, I think it was pressive, but then you're right. 0:08:02.799 --> 0:08:07.759 I think it was totally free. It was just being like, so, 0:08:09.239 --> 0:08:11.399 you know, you realize how much you rely on one 0:08:11.479 --> 0:08:14.839 million things, especially me, Like I have my laptop in 0:08:14.839 --> 0:08:19.199 the background playing Seinfeld, I'm like eating snacks all the time. 0:08:19.319 --> 0:08:20.399 I'd be having my phone. 0:08:20.399 --> 0:08:24.199 I'd be just like, you're just using so much all 0:08:24.199 --> 0:08:28.759 my one million little gadgets and gizmos and accessories and whatever. 0:08:28.799 --> 0:08:30.919 And then it's just like, oh, you literally have nothing, 0:08:31.439 --> 0:08:34.479 and your brain's initially gonna go no, no, no, no no, 0:08:34.519 --> 0:08:36.679 and then you're just like, oh, I am fine, I 0:08:36.799 --> 0:08:38.719 actually can do this. It'll be annoying for a bit 0:08:38.759 --> 0:08:42.479 and then you fully just adjust and you just go, okay, 0:08:42.559 --> 0:08:43.279 embrace it again. 0:08:43.319 --> 0:08:45.279 It's not forever, so just see what it's like. 0:08:46.119 --> 0:08:50.679 And because we I think there's so much distraction, and 0:08:50.719 --> 0:08:54.559 a lot of us enjoyed the distraction, what did you 0:08:54.679 --> 0:08:59.039 learn about yourself most fundamentally when you didn't have that distraction? 0:09:00.079 --> 0:09:03.559 Okay, the massive thing that I was confronted with without 0:09:03.559 --> 0:09:09.199 the one million distractions was my thoughts twenty four seven. 0:09:09.599 --> 0:09:11.159 So I actually think. 0:09:11.039 --> 0:09:15.439 I realized the real weight of running from my thoughts truly, 0:09:16.119 --> 0:09:19.839 I think my self critic and just the voice that 0:09:19.919 --> 0:09:25.039 I listened to in my head could be really really 0:09:25.119 --> 0:09:25.999 really mean. 0:09:25.919 --> 0:09:26.999 And really really critical. 0:09:27.039 --> 0:09:29.079 And I actually realized before going into the jungle that 0:09:29.119 --> 0:09:32.599 I didn't spend much time ever sitting with it. 0:09:32.679 --> 0:09:33.799 I'm talking, I'm listening. 0:09:33.599 --> 0:09:36.439 To music NonStop, I've got the TV on NonStop, like 0:09:36.479 --> 0:09:38.679 whether I'm walking with you know, I'm like talking for 0:09:38.719 --> 0:09:40.919 a job, and then I'm I'm just input. 0:09:40.519 --> 0:09:41.799 Input, input. 0:09:42.239 --> 0:09:46.079 And the one thing that without that gone was like, oh, 0:09:46.279 --> 0:09:48.759 I just need to sit with myself, and that was 0:09:49.239 --> 0:09:53.239 so uncomfortable in moments, and I was really forced to 0:09:53.239 --> 0:09:57.599 be like to hear it and to sit with that discomfort, 0:09:58.159 --> 0:10:00.999 and that was the main thing of then being like, oh, 0:10:01.319 --> 0:10:07.919 this feels terrible when now's the time to decide how 0:10:07.959 --> 0:10:09.999 long do I Why. 0:10:09.879 --> 0:10:11.039 Is it like this? And why am I going to 0:10:11.159 --> 0:10:14.519 keep letting it be like this? And why what does 0:10:14.879 --> 0:10:18.679 your inner critics say to you? 0:10:20.079 --> 0:10:28.159 M my in a critic can just be quite negative 0:10:29.319 --> 0:10:35.879 about the future, and maybe just you know, it came up, 0:10:35.919 --> 0:10:37.839 you know, there was that classic moment where even my 0:10:37.919 --> 0:10:40.959 own looks and how I thought about myself of just 0:10:40.999 --> 0:10:44.719 being like, you're ugly, like you're not you're you're not 0:10:45.399 --> 0:10:47.919 you're not worthy, like no one would be no one 0:10:47.919 --> 0:10:50.359 could see you as that like your skin everything gross great. 0:10:50.399 --> 0:10:53.199 I don't know, it really can become a cacophony. I 0:10:53.519 --> 0:10:55.199 find it. It's you know, I think a lot of 0:10:55.199 --> 0:10:57.359 people would have this with that inner critic, where you 0:10:57.439 --> 0:10:59.039 know it's there constantly, but then when you have to 0:10:59.039 --> 0:11:00.519 just listen to it and be like, what is it saying? 0:11:00.639 --> 0:11:05.039 That's actually a hard thing to like pinpoint what. 0:11:05.199 --> 0:11:08.359 I guess what I'm asking is because there's this Dali 0:11:08.439 --> 0:11:10.759 Lama quote that I love that says, the worst thing 0:11:10.799 --> 0:11:16.639 about criticism is that it's true. And what I always 0:11:16.679 --> 0:11:19.719 take from that is and particularly if you're public facing 0:11:19.799 --> 0:11:23.599 like you are, people will fire shots and whatever, but 0:11:23.679 --> 0:11:27.039 they don't all land. And the ones that don't land 0:11:27.119 --> 0:11:29.839 are the ones that you actually don't believe, right, So 0:11:29.959 --> 0:11:33.639 that's fine, And people can say, you know whatever, you know, 0:11:33.719 --> 0:11:37.239 you're dumb, You're not dumb. That's not going to hurt particularly, 0:11:37.279 --> 0:11:41.799 you know, but what is it? What was it in 0:11:41.879 --> 0:11:47.039 your own voice coming at you that had the nub. 0:11:46.799 --> 0:11:47.919 Of truth about it? 0:11:47.959 --> 0:11:51.319 That is really what stabs you in the heart or 0:11:51.359 --> 0:11:52.839 the psyche or the confidence. 0:11:54.519 --> 0:11:56.599 What's coming up, I would say is that I wasn't 0:11:56.599 --> 0:12:01.839 good enough, just that it not enough, like just not 0:12:01.999 --> 0:12:06.399 pretty enough, not skilled enough, not funny enough, like just 0:12:06.399 --> 0:12:07.999 just this always falling. 0:12:09.159 --> 0:12:13.479 Short to be. Yeah, I don't know if that's even 0:12:14.119 --> 0:12:14.959 more specific. 0:12:15.639 --> 0:12:19.799 I wonder, and I wonder if you wonder how much 0:12:19.799 --> 0:12:25.119 of that comes from essentially who you are, or from 0:12:25.159 --> 0:12:30.519 your the fact that we live in modern life and 0:12:30.599 --> 0:12:33.559 there's a lot of comparison in a modern life, or 0:12:33.639 --> 0:12:35.519 how much comes from your background. 0:12:36.239 --> 0:12:39.199 WHOA, that's a really good question. 0:12:40.119 --> 0:12:43.719 I I'm not sure. I feel like it has to 0:12:43.759 --> 0:12:47.599 be both. Comparison is a big one for me because 0:12:47.599 --> 0:12:50.039 it's that really that's something I do know that was 0:12:50.719 --> 0:12:55.199 in my childhood and like shown to me off. I 0:12:55.239 --> 0:12:59.479 was constantly compared to my sister, to my cousin, to schoolmates, 0:13:00.159 --> 0:13:04.319 and that's where I think I learned to build worthiness, 0:13:04.919 --> 0:13:10.119 which is incredibly unsustainable and absolutely makes you miserable, but 0:13:10.159 --> 0:13:12.839 it's because it had been what I was most used to. 0:13:13.319 --> 0:13:14.959 And so then you just get into a pattern where 0:13:14.959 --> 0:13:18.759 you just do it to yourself, and you're constantly measuring 0:13:18.759 --> 0:13:22.439 yourself up to anyone else that you can, And all 0:13:22.479 --> 0:13:25.439 I could realize was I was like, this is making 0:13:25.479 --> 0:13:28.599 me miserable. I am so people around me are treating 0:13:28.599 --> 0:13:30.519 me with such kind of Why can't I. 0:13:30.479 --> 0:13:31.319 Do that for myself? 0:13:31.439 --> 0:13:35.079 That is something I'm just like, I couldn't be more 0:13:35.159 --> 0:13:40.159 adamant about making other people feel like. Nothing would mortify 0:13:40.199 --> 0:13:43.559 me more than to put anyone down truly in any way, 0:13:44.199 --> 0:13:48.359 unless like some sort of evil Disney villain. And then 0:13:48.399 --> 0:13:50.919 it was like, but I could not do that in 0:13:50.959 --> 0:13:55.359 a very like consistent way or enough that made me 0:13:55.399 --> 0:13:57.519 not want to like run away from my thoughts. And 0:13:58.039 --> 0:14:01.519 so that is the thing that I was most confronted 0:14:01.519 --> 0:14:05.559 with without the distructions, and the thing that ultimately was 0:14:05.959 --> 0:14:07.799 like what led to I think to a bit of 0:14:07.799 --> 0:14:10.999 a transformation or something or like you know, it. 0:14:10.879 --> 0:14:13.719 Broke the wow the flood gates. 0:14:13.759 --> 0:14:17.559 At what point do you think that happened when. 0:14:17.399 --> 0:14:18.959 They put the crown on my head? No, just kidding, 0:14:18.999 --> 0:14:20.839 I Well. 0:14:20.719 --> 0:14:28.439 That is external affirmation can serve a purpose, But if 0:14:28.439 --> 0:14:30.959 you look at Hollywood, you see that just purely external 0:14:30.999 --> 0:14:35.519 affirmation doesn't fill the yawning chasm in a lot of 0:14:35.599 --> 0:14:39.119 particularly creative people or people who have to battle their 0:14:39.119 --> 0:14:40.679 Ego with their work. 0:14:42.279 --> 0:14:44.839 That is what I would be talking about with George, 0:14:45.519 --> 0:14:47.559 Like I just think about it. I'm like, yeah, my 0:14:47.639 --> 0:14:50.519 whole Columbar George Columbaris, Yeah, I was just talking about 0:14:51.519 --> 0:14:53.279 I think there was a stage in my career sort 0:14:53.279 --> 0:14:56.679 of before being there, before getting into the jungle, where 0:14:57.399 --> 0:14:59.559 you know, yeah, my whole job is external about it's 0:14:59.599 --> 0:15:03.679 getting laughs, it's performing outside, you know, and there was 0:15:03.679 --> 0:15:08.559 this real dissonance of why am I so unhappy? There 0:15:08.599 --> 0:15:10.879 was a part where I was really happy, and then 0:15:10.919 --> 0:15:12.839 it's sort of things had gotten to a place where 0:15:12.879 --> 0:15:16.559 I could tell I was just really comfortable doing these 0:15:16.599 --> 0:15:20.559 external things and not being as tapped into what makes 0:15:20.599 --> 0:15:21.199 me happy. 0:15:21.479 --> 0:15:23.719 And you know, then you get to. 0:15:23.719 --> 0:15:25.479 Talk to someone like George who's that's such a like 0:15:25.679 --> 0:15:29.359 long career and can speak to being like, no, that 0:15:29.479 --> 0:15:31.719 is important and like just what you said, It's like 0:15:31.999 --> 0:15:34.279 it's not enough to just be but it also makes 0:15:34.319 --> 0:15:36.399 sense that that can happen to you. You get caught 0:15:36.479 --> 0:15:38.719 up in the you know, but it's like, at what 0:15:38.799 --> 0:15:41.399 point do you decide, No, this should be fulfilling for me. 0:15:41.479 --> 0:15:44.439 I should be enjoying this, especially when I think my 0:15:44.479 --> 0:15:45.679 whole life has been geared to. 0:15:45.719 --> 0:15:46.799 Like do comedy. 0:15:46.879 --> 0:15:50.199 My whole dream in life is to have fun, make 0:15:50.279 --> 0:15:53.319 other people have fun as much as possible, because joy 0:15:53.479 --> 0:15:55.399 is like an important value to me. 0:15:55.999 --> 0:15:58.559 From what aged were you comedically drawn? 0:15:59.999 --> 0:16:03.919 Well? I think I think I have very early memories 0:16:03.919 --> 0:16:06.759 of being in school and being the class clown and 0:16:07.639 --> 0:16:13.399 always just yeah, being the silly one, and always in 0:16:13.439 --> 0:16:17.079 school and even with my family. I loved making my 0:16:17.199 --> 0:16:19.839 family laugh, and my dad made me laugh and my 0:16:19.919 --> 0:16:23.279 sister made me laugh. So I think it's been yeah, 0:16:23.719 --> 0:16:24.719 pretty pretty early. 0:16:25.639 --> 0:16:30.519 It's interesting that you've chosen a path that contains the 0:16:30.639 --> 0:16:34.719 antidote to some of the things that you were enduring 0:16:34.759 --> 0:16:35.919 in your life, isn't that? 0:16:37.599 --> 0:16:38.759 I think it's. 0:16:40.399 --> 0:16:42.839 Yeah. I don't know if it's like that that cliche 0:16:42.879 --> 0:16:46.399 thing where you know, yeah, out of the trauma, out 0:16:46.439 --> 0:16:48.799 of the you know, growing up in a household that 0:16:48.959 --> 0:16:50.919 was very. 0:16:52.239 --> 0:16:53.959 Like I guess, being attuned to. 0:16:53.959 --> 0:16:56.599 My father and his moods and that like that was 0:16:56.639 --> 0:17:01.359 like the sun's setting and everything was. My whole day 0:17:03.039 --> 0:17:05.039 was where is he at? Is he Is it a 0:17:05.079 --> 0:17:06.639 good day? Is it a bad day? Am I going 0:17:06.719 --> 0:17:07.519 to copy beating? 0:17:07.519 --> 0:17:07.959 Am I not? 0:17:07.999 --> 0:17:10.839 Has this thing triggered him like my safety was completely 0:17:10.919 --> 0:17:13.839 tied to one person from the minute I was born, 0:17:13.919 --> 0:17:15.439 Like that's all I knew from. 0:17:15.239 --> 0:17:17.999 My entire family. It was like, and so. 0:17:18.039 --> 0:17:21.479 Then you know, if we're laughing, if he's laughing for 0:17:21.559 --> 0:17:24.839 whatever reason and things, I am safe, I am safe, 0:17:24.879 --> 0:17:27.039 I'm happy. So how funny that that's something that you 0:17:27.159 --> 0:17:30.479 chase and then you I don't know, then. 0:17:30.399 --> 0:17:34.399 You make a career out of it too. Well, that's your. 0:17:36.399 --> 0:17:41.199 Geared towards maybe trying to keep things light, trying to 0:17:41.279 --> 0:17:45.239 project energy and good vibes. I had an acting teacher 0:17:45.359 --> 0:17:50.839 once who used to say, mood backwards is doom. And 0:17:50.879 --> 0:17:55.399 I always think that about moody people. You know, the 0:17:55.439 --> 0:17:57.359 weight that they carry with you. 0:17:57.759 --> 0:17:58.439 Oh yep. 0:17:59.279 --> 0:18:02.159 And it gives me goosebumps now even thinking of the 0:18:03.319 --> 0:18:07.239 that feeling that you get when like a dementa has 0:18:07.279 --> 0:18:10.839 emptied enter the room and sucks all the joy out 0:18:10.879 --> 0:18:12.999 of everyone. 0:18:12.919 --> 0:18:14.879 Like you know when the sun like there's an eclipse, 0:18:14.959 --> 0:18:17.079 Like that's what happens. And you're absolutely right. I can't 0:18:17.119 --> 0:18:19.639 I actually can't top a demental. It's what it feels like. 0:18:19.719 --> 0:18:21.759 It's like you know when you're watching the screen and 0:18:21.759 --> 0:18:25.759 that it's that gray color, and it's like it's absolutely vacuum. 0:18:25.799 --> 0:18:29.479 That is energy that I try to stay as far 0:18:30.079 --> 0:18:32.239 away from as possible. 0:18:32.959 --> 0:18:34.079 And yet, of course. 0:18:33.839 --> 0:18:37.959 When you're a child, you can't yep, and you so 0:18:38.119 --> 0:18:39.439 your mum and your sister. 0:18:40.319 --> 0:18:42.159 So you're talking about your dad. 0:18:42.839 --> 0:18:48.599 At what age did you become aware that your normal 0:18:48.999 --> 0:18:49.399 was not. 0:18:50.879 --> 0:18:51.319 Normal? 0:18:52.479 --> 0:18:56.639 I feel like it's I feel like it's hard to pinpoint, 0:18:56.999 --> 0:19:02.359 but I I guess, like I think about how I 0:19:02.399 --> 0:19:06.399 found a journal of my little diary I had as 0:19:06.439 --> 0:19:09.519 a little girl. Maybe I was like ten or something 0:19:09.559 --> 0:19:12.959 like that, and I was just literally writing, being like I. 0:19:12.839 --> 0:19:15.879 Love books, I love reading. Reading is the best I 0:19:15.959 --> 0:19:16.559 love to read. 0:19:16.999 --> 0:19:18.799 And then there's like a line in there being like, 0:19:19.079 --> 0:19:22.159 but my dad gets really mad if I'm like not 0:19:22.239 --> 0:19:25.759 reading the classics any Like it's this really like tragic 0:19:26.359 --> 0:19:27.999 thing of just like I don't know, a little kid 0:19:27.999 --> 0:19:29.919 just talking about what's happening, being like, oh, but I 0:19:29.959 --> 0:19:32.679 get in big trouble if I'm not reading this specific. 0:19:32.279 --> 0:19:35.599 Type of book. So it's been there forever. 0:19:35.999 --> 0:19:37.879 All I know is I don't know if there was 0:19:37.879 --> 0:19:40.519 a moment where I'm like, oh, this isn't normal, But 0:19:40.599 --> 0:19:41.839 I guess I knew it was a normal and that 0:19:41.919 --> 0:19:44.199 I never talked to anyone about it. I knew enough 0:19:44.279 --> 0:19:48.039 to go, this isn't something I can share with literally anyone, 0:19:48.119 --> 0:19:50.159 not my cousin who I grew up with, like an 0:19:50.159 --> 0:19:53.439 extra sister who was around my dad, and probably sensing 0:19:53.479 --> 0:19:58.919 I just I don't know. I guess I knew. 0:19:58.599 --> 0:19:58.679 But. 0:20:00.359 --> 0:20:03.039 I just thought, there's I have no agency here. I'm like, 0:20:03.079 --> 0:20:07.199 this is my family, this is dad. So I just thought, well, 0:20:07.519 --> 0:20:09.679 what can you do? You just deliver with it. 0:20:13.599 --> 0:20:14.399 After the break. 0:20:14.599 --> 0:20:17.359 Conchetta shares what it was like growing up in a 0:20:17.479 --> 0:20:23.719 home where violence was a constant. I think one of 0:20:23.719 --> 0:20:27.599 the most powerful things about any kind of violence, domestic 0:20:27.679 --> 0:20:31.639 violence is. 0:20:30.399 --> 0:20:32.439 The secrecy that goes with it. 0:20:34.159 --> 0:20:39.039 And the wanting to keep it at bay so greatly 0:20:39.639 --> 0:20:42.479 that you don't even want to speak about it when 0:20:42.519 --> 0:20:46.239 it's not happening. Less, you sort of conjure it into 0:20:46.319 --> 0:20:51.279 the room like a monster. Yeah, so did your mum 0:20:51.479 --> 0:20:55.079 or your sister Did you ever get a chance to 0:20:55.159 --> 0:21:01.439 talk about things? Were they escalating or de escalating? Things 0:21:01.439 --> 0:21:02.279 were getting worse? 0:21:03.039 --> 0:21:07.799 Yeah, things were getting worse, for sure. It's so funny 0:21:07.799 --> 0:21:09.559 because I think about it, you go, oh, why wouldn't 0:21:09.559 --> 0:21:13.319 you tell someone. The fear was so strong that I 0:21:13.599 --> 0:21:16.959 just literally the fear of it, of telling someone, you know, 0:21:17.039 --> 0:21:19.119 And this is something that's happened in micro moments your 0:21:19.279 --> 0:21:21.519 entire life, in your most formative time as a kid 0:21:21.559 --> 0:21:26.239 growing up, that I just couldn't see any way out. 0:21:26.319 --> 0:21:29.119 I'd literally not the police, I go, this will only 0:21:29.719 --> 0:21:32.079 end in misery. If that doesn't like paint the picture 0:21:32.119 --> 0:21:36.359 of like, you know, psychologically that control that I go, 0:21:36.479 --> 0:21:40.679 safety is just getting through the next and just getting to. 0:21:40.639 --> 0:21:43.039 The next side. So that sort of speaks to that part. 0:21:43.039 --> 0:21:45.839 But speaking about it, yeah, it was absolutely escalating my 0:21:47.279 --> 0:21:51.319 I know because it was my little sister. My little sister, 0:21:52.519 --> 0:21:56.959 she was really struggling at school. I think my sister, 0:21:58.159 --> 0:22:00.239 I reckon. I had a better time at school generally. 0:22:00.279 --> 0:22:02.999 I just enjoyed school. What would you know, with different personalities, 0:22:02.999 --> 0:22:08.839 different people, Because my sister it harder and so she was, Yeah, 0:22:08.879 --> 0:22:12.279 my sister copped it a lot worse than me. I 0:22:12.279 --> 0:22:16.599 think my sister was just I don't know, I now 0:22:16.679 --> 0:22:19.919 know like she I think I had she had ADHD 0:22:19.999 --> 0:22:22.599 as a kid, so just maybe like harder to control. 0:22:22.599 --> 0:22:26.519 I was more the golden child and so my sister 0:22:26.639 --> 0:22:30.319 was really just it was getting worse and my mum 0:22:30.399 --> 0:22:32.959 had to tell the school to stop sending reports. Like 0:22:33.399 --> 0:22:35.719 she'd never done that for me, but for my sister 0:22:35.759 --> 0:22:40.359 it was like actually alerting the school that things were happening, right, 0:22:40.799 --> 0:22:41.079 you know. 0:22:41.679 --> 0:22:44.159 Did the school have to stop sending reports because that 0:22:44.199 --> 0:22:45.399 would make your dad angry? 0:22:46.159 --> 0:22:49.879 Absolutely, whatever our results were, yep, that's a tense time. 0:22:50.439 --> 0:22:51.039 Good or bad. 0:22:51.079 --> 0:22:53.839 You're you're getting beaten, you're in trouble. I have this 0:22:53.959 --> 0:22:56.719 memory of me and my sister literally, it's like something 0:22:56.719 --> 0:22:59.919 out of a spy movie. We tried to open one 0:22:59.959 --> 0:23:04.759 of the reports and change the results literally, like the 0:23:04.799 --> 0:23:07.039 way that you'd get like a rubber and like try 0:23:07.039 --> 0:23:08.439 and make an eight into it. 0:23:08.519 --> 0:23:09.719 Like and I think. 0:23:09.479 --> 0:23:13.759 About how skined, like in a way, like how brave 0:23:13.879 --> 0:23:16.639 and crazy that is. Because like if dad even found 0:23:16.679 --> 0:23:19.799 out that that we've like changed and the lying and 0:23:19.839 --> 0:23:23.039 the deceited, he would go but listen. But like again 0:23:23.119 --> 0:23:26.279 that fear of being like we need to stop this, 0:23:26.279 --> 0:23:28.119 this bad mark because this is going to lead to 0:23:28.119 --> 0:23:32.799 that Like we're like change. We're like like I actually, yeah, 0:23:32.879 --> 0:23:37.639 kind of steaming it open. Yeah, that's right, Like like 0:23:37.799 --> 0:23:41.639 scanning one sheet of your your geography mar and like 0:23:41.639 --> 0:23:45.679 like change, you know, like insane and that's yeah, just 0:23:45.719 --> 0:23:47.079 your way of coping in one way. 0:23:47.399 --> 0:23:50.359 You say earlier that your dad was funny and your 0:23:50.439 --> 0:23:55.439 dad made you laugh, which is I think another confusing 0:23:55.519 --> 0:24:02.959 aspect to any situation like that, because you love this person, yep, 0:24:03.719 --> 0:24:08.239 and this person can make you feel good, but the 0:24:08.279 --> 0:24:14.439 flip side of that person is so dark. Were you 0:24:14.799 --> 0:24:17.879 in the situation where you would be trying to protect 0:24:17.919 --> 0:24:21.399 your mum or where you'd be covering for each other, 0:24:21.519 --> 0:24:24.359 the three of you who were like locked in this 0:24:24.599 --> 0:24:30.239 sort of painful trinity where you would be trying to 0:24:30.319 --> 0:24:35.439 assume the responsibility for the mood to stop it affecting 0:24:35.479 --> 0:24:35.999 the others. 0:24:36.399 --> 0:24:41.119 Yeah, it's really complicated, right, Like sometimes so comp it is. 0:24:41.239 --> 0:24:45.199 It's like you don't you don't know how to deal 0:24:45.239 --> 0:24:45.519 with it. 0:24:45.719 --> 0:24:47.639 You're not talking, you just say in it, and you're 0:24:47.719 --> 0:24:50.719 going to react in different ways at different times. But 0:24:50.839 --> 0:24:58.279 also little little children, absolutely, little children, totally. I think 0:24:58.319 --> 0:25:01.319 there'd be times where yep, you'd be covering for the other. 0:25:02.319 --> 0:25:04.359 There'd be times where you would have to we would 0:25:04.359 --> 0:25:07.439 have to to freeze and wait for it to over 0:25:07.519 --> 0:25:12.599 the idea of stepping in and stopping only escalates, which sounds, 0:25:13.159 --> 0:25:17.719 if I might say, fucked and tragic, but being in it, 0:25:17.759 --> 0:25:21.399 you're like, if I do this or if I stop it, 0:25:21.399 --> 0:25:25.199 it will make it worse. So as sad really as 0:25:25.199 --> 0:25:27.959 you would, just like watching on. I have this memory 0:25:27.999 --> 0:25:31.159 of my sister, like one time I was like copying 0:25:31.239 --> 0:25:34.159 a beating and I remember laughing. I don't think this 0:25:34.239 --> 0:25:37.639 was common, but I remember laughing, like zoning out, being like, 0:25:38.559 --> 0:25:43.799 oh this is pathetic, Like I am so vulnerable. I'm 0:25:43.879 --> 0:25:49.319 just a girl and you're a grown man kicking me, 0:25:50.079 --> 0:25:52.559 punching me, and I'm making it worse. 0:25:52.599 --> 0:25:53.799 I'm actively making it worse. 0:25:53.839 --> 0:25:57.199 But in that moment that by laughing, by yes, of course, 0:25:57.399 --> 0:25:59.519 by yeah, there's a role to play of like I'm 0:25:59.519 --> 0:26:00.759 being beaten, I should be set, you know. 0:26:01.919 --> 0:26:04.319 And I remember my sister watching on being like what 0:26:04.399 --> 0:26:04.959 are you doing? 0:26:05.199 --> 0:26:08.799 I think she was telling me stop laughing, But in 0:26:08.799 --> 0:26:12.119 that moment, I was like, oh, I actually don't. I'm 0:26:12.119 --> 0:26:14.639 actually just making this choice that I this is the 0:26:14.679 --> 0:26:17.959 way that I'm just reacting, and you know, I'm not 0:26:18.039 --> 0:26:18.879 choosing that all the time. 0:26:18.879 --> 0:26:20.079 But yeah, it's. 0:26:21.359 --> 0:26:22.639 Just a memory that I have a lot of them 0:26:22.679 --> 0:26:24.999 are blurry, but that one I remember. 0:26:25.279 --> 0:26:32.039 So it can shadow your inappropriate laughter, which she is 0:26:33.399 --> 0:26:35.199 like pouring petrol on a fire. 0:26:35.559 --> 0:26:40.639 Yeah, how old are you? Then? I'm older. I think 0:26:40.679 --> 0:26:41.239 I would be. 0:26:42.759 --> 0:26:48.319 Like a teenager maybe like you know, seventeen eighteen or something. 0:26:48.399 --> 0:26:50.759 You know, like so and your little sister who's trying 0:26:50.799 --> 0:26:52.839 to warn you, how old was she at the time. 0:26:53.519 --> 0:26:54.479 Well, she's four years. 0:26:54.359 --> 0:26:58.279 Younger than me, so she'd be Yeah, I guess thirteen 0:26:58.359 --> 0:26:59.279 fourteen or something. 0:27:00.119 --> 0:27:06.679 And when you were changing her report card, what was 0:27:06.719 --> 0:27:07.279 the subject? 0:27:07.359 --> 0:27:10.319 By the way, that was the I actually couldn't tell you. 0:27:11.359 --> 0:27:13.639 He could have been all of them, you know, any 0:27:13.679 --> 0:27:14.039 of them. 0:27:14.119 --> 0:27:17.319 Yeah, it's not like because he was a professional guy 0:27:17.399 --> 0:27:20.479 and he was an optometrist, so as your mom. Yeah, 0:27:20.519 --> 0:27:24.559 that he had an expectation that you'd be good at 0:27:24.319 --> 0:27:26.479 dot dot you had to be good at everything. 0:27:26.559 --> 0:27:28.439 Yeah, And again that I think that comes out of 0:27:29.479 --> 0:27:32.359 wanting wanting the best for it, Like it's this tragic thing. 0:27:32.479 --> 0:27:34.959 He's like, I want you to do well. I need 0:27:34.999 --> 0:27:36.279 you to do out of school so that you are 0:27:36.319 --> 0:27:38.239 set up for a good life. The way he's going 0:27:38.279 --> 0:27:43.319 about it is clearly fucked but it's like this, it's 0:27:43.359 --> 0:27:45.439 coming out of being like this is a parent, you know. 0:27:45.599 --> 0:27:49.719 Yeah, did he think it was discipline? I think yes, 0:27:50.119 --> 0:27:50.679 I think yes. 0:27:50.799 --> 0:27:54.479 I think it was discipline of this is how it's 0:27:54.599 --> 0:27:56.559 keeping you in the line so that you do better. 0:27:56.599 --> 0:27:58.039 It was all to be like see wou do batter? 0:27:58.039 --> 0:28:00.919 I didn't have a job growing up through school so 0:28:00.959 --> 0:28:02.159 that I could focus on studying. 0:28:02.159 --> 0:28:02.479 I didn't. 0:28:02.599 --> 0:28:04.399 It's not to talk to boys, so you don't get 0:28:04.799 --> 0:28:07.559 and you don't like all this classic like I don't know, 0:28:07.719 --> 0:28:12.119 really like conservative it's And I also think it's in 0:28:12.159 --> 0:28:13.759 a way what my dad grew up with. 0:28:13.879 --> 0:28:17.999 And I'm not saying like it's just that patterns. Yeah, 0:28:18.519 --> 0:28:18.799 I'm not. 0:28:19.079 --> 0:28:21.079 Yeah, it's not like the abuse was the same or 0:28:21.119 --> 0:28:23.159 the adviolence the same. But I think it's just his 0:28:23.239 --> 0:28:25.359 way of like that is what he thought was like 0:28:26.279 --> 0:28:29.479 the way of exerting control to lead to a good 0:28:30.919 --> 0:28:31.719 life for us. 0:28:31.999 --> 0:28:32.279 Yes. 0:28:32.639 --> 0:28:37.519 Yes, So when you were helping your sister, which was 0:28:38.319 --> 0:28:43.239 a very dangerous thing to be doing, did it occur 0:28:43.359 --> 0:28:46.599 to you at the time that that was brave or 0:28:46.679 --> 0:28:50.519 is it only in retrospect that you recognize that. 0:28:51.319 --> 0:28:54.279 I think it's in retrospect because in it it's survival. 0:28:54.879 --> 0:28:57.919 It's like I have to do this or the worst 0:28:57.959 --> 0:29:00.439 thing ever is about to happen, Like everything is just 0:29:00.519 --> 0:29:03.119 in survival of like I need to hide these crumbs, 0:29:03.279 --> 0:29:06.599 like I always remember the the sound we remember is. 0:29:06.559 --> 0:29:07.799 The garage door. 0:29:08.679 --> 0:29:09.999 So it would be like we'd have a few hours 0:29:09.999 --> 0:29:11.999 at home by ourselves before our parents would get home 0:29:12.039 --> 0:29:15.079 after work and you know, like to decompress for like 0:29:15.119 --> 0:29:17.359 I don't know, we're watching TV. We're like actually just 0:29:17.399 --> 0:29:20.639 having a few times alone, not in that well, and 0:29:20.679 --> 0:29:21.279 then as soon. 0:29:21.119 --> 0:29:24.599 As we're hearing a garage door, it's like. 0:29:23.599 --> 0:29:26.199 Like energized baby, like quick, get high of it, like 0:29:26.279 --> 0:29:28.159 you know, everything's just built. It's just about So I 0:29:28.199 --> 0:29:30.119 don't think we're yeah sitting around being like oh my god, 0:29:30.159 --> 0:29:32.479 I'm being so brave. No, it's only being like looking 0:29:32.479 --> 0:29:36.679 back and being like Geese Louise, like that was brave 0:29:36.759 --> 0:29:40.159 because you're taking this risk. You're just like on a 0:29:40.239 --> 0:29:43.039 knife's edge. You know. 0:29:44.439 --> 0:29:47.919 Also, how's your mom because she she and your dad 0:29:47.999 --> 0:29:49.199 worked together as well. 0:29:49.919 --> 0:29:57.839 Yeah, so she never had like a sip of oxygen. Nope, 0:29:59.359 --> 0:30:03.959 yeah it's yeah. 0:30:03.799 --> 0:30:09.799 It's yeah again, I go, there's a I see there's 0:30:09.799 --> 0:30:15.759 a strength there to live this, to live in this too. 0:30:16.399 --> 0:30:19.239 And I think about my mom. Mum's and was an 0:30:19.279 --> 0:30:22.599 amazing optomicy. My mom was an amazing Like for her 0:30:22.799 --> 0:30:29.279 carrying all this stuff when it's just unrelenting, is I mean, 0:30:29.279 --> 0:30:33.679 it's it's it's very sad, you know, it's. 0:30:35.559 --> 0:30:37.079 Yeah, it makes me really sad. 0:30:38.119 --> 0:30:41.639 Your mom said that the catalyst for her to get 0:30:41.679 --> 0:30:46.039 you girls out was when your sister was on the 0:30:46.119 --> 0:30:49.679 cusp of basically running away from home. 0:30:50.439 --> 0:30:51.119 Yep, that's right. 0:30:51.359 --> 0:30:54.759 She had I apparently had packed a bag, like I 0:30:54.759 --> 0:30:57.079 think my mom said she like noticed something a little 0:30:57.119 --> 0:31:00.679 bit with Francesca, like a bit. Yeah, I don't I 0:31:00.719 --> 0:31:02.279 can't speak for her in the way that mum could, 0:31:02.319 --> 0:31:06.159 but she noticed something was up maybe and then yeah, 0:31:06.199 --> 0:31:08.399 maybe she'd packed a bag. And I think my sister 0:31:08.519 --> 0:31:11.879 was called my mom outside to school and just broke 0:31:11.919 --> 0:31:14.279 down and was like I planned to run away, like 0:31:14.319 --> 0:31:17.359 I don't want to go back, Like I can't do this. 0:31:17.639 --> 0:31:21.679 I'm really scared. And I think it was that moment 0:31:21.719 --> 0:31:23.919 where my mom's like, oh, I'm about to lose my daughter. 0:31:24.959 --> 0:31:27.559 Like you know, it's functioned in this one way, but 0:31:28.399 --> 0:31:31.639 to lose her like Mom was like, okay, I need 0:31:31.639 --> 0:31:33.999 to I need to get us out. This has gotten 0:31:33.999 --> 0:31:35.239 to a different point. 0:31:35.359 --> 0:31:42.999 That's an amazing instinct of a mother that she could 0:31:43.119 --> 0:31:48.599 endure it, but she couldn't endure it forcing you or 0:31:48.599 --> 0:31:55.359 your sister out. Yeah, and so that galvanized her. And 0:31:55.399 --> 0:32:00.079 then you did this amazing move. So you went from 0:32:00.559 --> 0:32:08.759 Sydney suburban Sydney to Wa yep, yeah, which is huge. 0:32:08.839 --> 0:32:10.679 That's the equivalent of teen countries. 0:32:11.519 --> 0:32:11.959 Totally. 0:32:12.039 --> 0:32:14.759 It really was like what's the furthest point from here, 0:32:15.559 --> 0:32:18.239 the other side of the country and where we have 0:32:18.439 --> 0:32:20.839 we know no one, we have no connection. But my 0:32:20.919 --> 0:32:23.439 mum also said this beautiful thing where like my grandfather 0:32:23.479 --> 0:32:26.879 who's a migrant from northern Italy, and he came over 0:32:26.959 --> 0:32:31.519 and worked around the country and he worked I think 0:32:31.599 --> 0:32:34.479 in w A and. 0:32:35.759 --> 0:32:39.479 A lot of fruit and beage in Wa. Was it that, No, 0:32:39.639 --> 0:32:40.799 he's a he's a builder. 0:32:40.799 --> 0:32:43.439 So I think he was like yeah, using his hands 0:32:43.439 --> 0:32:47.159 in like a building type way, or being disappointed. I 0:32:47.159 --> 0:32:50.719 don't remembering the country building the country, building the country. 0:32:50.839 --> 0:32:52.519 I think he worked on the is it the hydro 0:32:52.959 --> 0:32:55.359 where a lot of it is the snowy, Yeah, snow 0:32:55.519 --> 0:32:56.559 worked on that are. 0:32:56.479 --> 0:32:58.639 The hydro scheme. Wow. 0:32:58.799 --> 0:33:01.919 So anyways, I think he mentioned he worked in Perth, 0:33:01.959 --> 0:33:05.519 and he just talked about like the beauty like blue 0:33:05.719 --> 0:33:07.839 of the ocean, and he just I think my mom 0:33:07.879 --> 0:33:10.799 said she like never forgot the imagery of my nominal 0:33:10.919 --> 0:33:12.799 talking about that part. 0:33:12.599 --> 0:33:13.519 Of the world. 0:33:13.639 --> 0:33:16.599 And so that little bit of hope, you know, is 0:33:16.639 --> 0:33:19.119 going to come to you in a bleak time of 0:33:19.119 --> 0:33:21.199 being like, Okay, we need to up and move our 0:33:21.239 --> 0:33:22.959 whole lives to escape. 0:33:23.039 --> 0:33:25.319 Where should we go? And I think that popped into 0:33:25.359 --> 0:33:25.719 her head. 0:33:26.119 --> 0:33:29.039 But what does that look like like to anyone who's 0:33:29.119 --> 0:33:34.679 moved house? Yeah, even in you know, normal circumstances, that's 0:33:34.719 --> 0:33:38.839 a massive undertaking. Yeah, how did it play out for you? 0:33:38.879 --> 0:33:40.439 Did it have to be done in secret? 0:33:40.799 --> 0:33:40.999 Yeap? 0:33:41.679 --> 0:33:45.119 Again, my mom is the the maestro of this. She 0:33:45.279 --> 0:33:49.879 was the adult, right, Like even though I'm nineteen, I'm 0:33:50.799 --> 0:33:55.239 Mom is sorting this all out and so I can't 0:33:55.359 --> 0:33:56.999 speak to that level of detail, but you know there 0:33:57.039 --> 0:33:59.399 would be stuff going on of like setting up a 0:33:59.439 --> 0:34:00.679 secret bank account. 0:34:00.759 --> 0:34:04.679 And I know for me and my sister it was literally. 0:34:04.319 --> 0:34:09.639 Like setting aside clothes in your draw of like what 0:34:09.719 --> 0:34:14.239 you will be ready to take an escape bag pretty much. 0:34:14.079 --> 0:34:15.319 An escape bag. Yep. 0:34:15.479 --> 0:34:18.559 I'm realizing, like, what's the essentials here? What are you 0:34:18.639 --> 0:34:23.319 prepared to leave behind? And I think it would have 0:34:23.319 --> 0:34:26.279 been mum, you know, having a conversation with this the school, 0:34:26.439 --> 0:34:30.119 and you know, I seriously like for my mom to 0:34:30.199 --> 0:34:34.519 handle still like working living with my dad full time 0:34:34.959 --> 0:34:38.279 doing all this admin. You know, he monitors everything, like 0:34:38.559 --> 0:34:40.919 there's only so few times that she's away from him 0:34:41.439 --> 0:34:45.879 to like in amongst the fear to orchestrate as sort 0:34:45.919 --> 0:34:48.959 of you know, get getting in touch with the hotline 0:34:49.039 --> 0:34:53.119 and sorting out having a refugeeally somewhere to go, telling 0:34:53.119 --> 0:34:55.279 her parents for the first time after all these years, 0:34:55.599 --> 0:34:58.479 all that stuff, and then it culminating in one morning 0:34:58.519 --> 0:35:00.999 where instead of doing the classic drop off me to 0:35:01.119 --> 0:35:03.999 UNI and my sister's school, it's in the morning. 0:35:04.039 --> 0:35:04.999 Dad's usually asleep. 0:35:05.919 --> 0:35:08.799 We're packing the final pack, trying to you know, don't 0:35:08.799 --> 0:35:11.359 want the boot to be too loud, like every little bit. 0:35:11.799 --> 0:35:15.079 It's so tense, and just getting in the car and 0:35:15.119 --> 0:35:18.759 then driving to my We went to my grandparents and 0:35:18.799 --> 0:35:20.559 then we went to the refuge. 0:35:21.319 --> 0:35:23.319 Are both your parents Italian? Yes? 0:35:24.519 --> 0:35:27.719 And so you had two sets of grandparents or yep. 0:35:29.359 --> 0:35:31.879 Did they have any idea of what was going on 0:35:31.959 --> 0:35:32.639 in your home? 0:35:34.279 --> 0:35:38.399 I don't think they did. I don't think they knew 0:35:39.159 --> 0:35:40.719 how bad it was. I don't think they knew the 0:35:40.719 --> 0:35:44.079 extent of it. I think they knew something was I 0:35:44.119 --> 0:35:46.639 think they you know, I think they could see parts 0:35:46.639 --> 0:35:49.279 of my dad's character and like streaks, and I don't 0:35:49.279 --> 0:35:52.959 think they were his biggest fan. But no, I think 0:35:52.999 --> 0:35:56.599 they Yeah, when Mum told them, I don't think they 0:35:56.679 --> 0:35:59.599 knew the level it was at. 0:36:01.039 --> 0:36:01.959 So they knew. 0:36:03.279 --> 0:36:10.759 Go to wa and you, of course have to ensure 0:36:10.799 --> 0:36:15.999 that he can't find you, because a person who's controlled 0:36:16.199 --> 0:36:21.199 three other people and is used to that, I imagine he's 0:36:21.199 --> 0:36:22.959 not going to let them go easily. 0:36:25.279 --> 0:36:28.999 Yeah, yeah, that's what we had to what Once we 0:36:29.039 --> 0:36:30.599 got to the refuge, then it was a matter of 0:36:31.319 --> 0:36:34.959 looking for where to live and legally changing our names. 0:36:34.999 --> 0:36:37.039 My sister was too young, but me and my mom did. 0:36:38.039 --> 0:36:42.719 And what did you change your name to Siena as I. 0:36:42.959 --> 0:36:45.999 E Ana the one n like like the Italian city 0:36:46.799 --> 0:36:49.239 and the last name was Degraux. And that was like 0:36:49.319 --> 0:36:50.919 again like a fun discussion of like. 0:36:51.039 --> 0:36:52.279 What's our names going to be? 0:36:52.479 --> 0:36:56.519 Like what I'm looking into Like what h I mean, 0:36:56.519 --> 0:37:01.159 it was pretty It's like a rebirth and a taking 0:37:01.199 --> 0:37:04.039 back control, I guess, of being like what I want 0:37:04.039 --> 0:37:04.879 to call myself? 0:37:05.439 --> 0:37:09.479 What's my name going to be? So yeah, I became Siena. 0:37:10.319 --> 0:37:14.119 The survival instinct of that reminds me of the sound 0:37:14.159 --> 0:37:16.839 of music almost where they're trying to make the escape 0:37:16.879 --> 0:37:17.559 over the Alps. 0:37:17.599 --> 0:37:19.399 Fun for your little children. 0:37:19.719 --> 0:37:24.079 It's like that, yes totally, And once again the onus 0:37:24.119 --> 0:37:28.279 on your mother to be the one that this is 0:37:28.359 --> 0:37:32.559 going to be all right, when in many ways she's 0:37:32.719 --> 0:37:36.199 the last person that you would expect to be able 0:37:36.239 --> 0:37:36.919 to say that. 0:37:37.239 --> 0:37:39.239 Yeah totally. 0:37:39.439 --> 0:37:42.199 But I guess, you know, the three of us, no 0:37:42.279 --> 0:37:44.399 one knew but us, like do you know what I mean? 0:37:44.439 --> 0:37:47.599 Like that is the joy of having each other in 0:37:47.639 --> 0:37:49.599 the ups and the downs of like nothing can be 0:37:49.919 --> 0:37:52.519 worse than what we've gone through. And you've got all 0:37:52.519 --> 0:37:57.239 the same fear and guilt and and just. 0:37:57.519 --> 0:37:59.399 All of that running through your brain. 0:37:59.559 --> 0:38:01.359 But and all of us at different points, you know, 0:38:01.479 --> 0:38:04.559 like we can't say we're all completely feeling the same 0:38:04.719 --> 0:38:07.519 things at the same time, no way, but we were 0:38:07.519 --> 0:38:08.159 in it together. 0:38:08.759 --> 0:38:13.359 So that's And then did you have a period where 0:38:13.399 --> 0:38:17.319 you decompressed together, where you could like take a breath. 0:38:17.559 --> 0:38:23.559 Did you feel safe as Siena. Did you feel safe? 0:38:22.799 --> 0:38:25.159 I think I did. 0:38:26.119 --> 0:38:30.199 I think there's always that back of your mind anxiety 0:38:30.959 --> 0:38:34.679 of being like is this real? Is this possible? Will 0:38:34.679 --> 0:38:37.239 we find out? But I would say being in this 0:38:37.279 --> 0:38:43.879 totally new place and having that literal freedom living somewhere new, 0:38:43.959 --> 0:38:49.279 being somewhere totally new, I definitely felt safe and had 0:38:49.319 --> 0:38:52.919 like a totally different life, like literally just like getting 0:38:52.959 --> 0:38:57.279 on the bus, going on a train by myself, Like yeah, 0:38:57.319 --> 0:38:59.519 all those little things, but just being in a house 0:38:59.599 --> 0:39:04.399 like we had an apartment and just I don't know, 0:39:04.679 --> 0:39:06.959 getting to make that whatever we wanted it to be 0:39:07.159 --> 0:39:10.519 pink and decorated like there was. There was so much 0:39:10.639 --> 0:39:15.199 joy in those moments in Perth together for sure. 0:39:19.399 --> 0:39:23.479 Next, Concetta reflects on the transformation she saw in her 0:39:23.519 --> 0:39:31.839 mother once they were finally free from the violence. What 0:39:32.119 --> 0:39:35.279 change did you see in your mouth? That is such 0:39:35.279 --> 0:39:36.039 an amazing question. 0:39:36.159 --> 0:39:39.519 I actually will never forget it of watching it was 0:39:39.559 --> 0:39:42.759 literally like a flower blossoming. I think about my mom 0:39:42.959 --> 0:39:46.319 and like how she would dress. She started to like 0:39:47.519 --> 0:39:48.519 you could just see it. 0:39:48.519 --> 0:39:49.199 It went from like. 0:39:49.359 --> 0:39:52.799 The palette of like brown and like frumpy and stuff 0:39:52.839 --> 0:39:55.439 that she just did it to actually like watching her 0:39:55.479 --> 0:39:57.839 find a sense of style, watching her find joy in 0:39:59.079 --> 0:40:03.039 op shopping and pieces that like dresses, and you know, 0:40:03.199 --> 0:40:06.879 like actually watching the way she like her, the way 0:40:06.879 --> 0:40:09.239 she walked, the way she carried herself, the way she like. 0:40:10.399 --> 0:40:12.639 I remember that was really clear of her coming home 0:40:12.639 --> 0:40:14.359 and us having been like look at this dress. 0:40:14.559 --> 0:40:15.399 This too. 0:40:15.599 --> 0:40:17.919 There's like a shop in Perth called like good Sammy, 0:40:17.999 --> 0:40:20.079 we don't have it in the in the East, and 0:40:20.359 --> 0:40:21.479 we'd be like wow, like. 0:40:21.439 --> 0:40:23.679 I found this like oriton top like two dollars, and. 0:40:23.639 --> 0:40:27.279 Like I just remember thinking that was so amazing, Like 0:40:27.479 --> 0:40:31.119 just in that way of just seeing color come back 0:40:31.159 --> 0:40:33.399 to someone literally in their eyes and their face and 0:40:33.399 --> 0:40:35.759 in the way they show up for every day literally 0:40:35.799 --> 0:40:40.319 like finding joy and hope. And that's a very like physical, 0:40:40.399 --> 0:40:41.639 clear like manifestation. 0:40:42.839 --> 0:40:45.479 And did you because you'd always found. 0:40:46.799 --> 0:40:50.479 That joy outside that home as well, because you enjoyed 0:40:51.119 --> 0:40:54.479 you know, school, yep, very social. 0:40:54.679 --> 0:40:56.799 Yeah, you know you've got a you've got. 0:40:56.639 --> 0:41:00.639 A good engine, I do you know it's geared towards 0:41:00.839 --> 0:41:10.039 joy and uplift. How was Sienna different to Concertta, whoa, whoa. 0:41:12.439 --> 0:41:15.519 Hmm, how is he different to Concertta? 0:41:16.319 --> 0:41:24.879 I think I think there was maybe Sienna like more 0:41:24.959 --> 0:41:30.279 just trying to figure figure out who she wanted to. 0:41:30.559 --> 0:41:32.759 I felt like I needed to catch up to everyone. 0:41:34.319 --> 0:41:35.799 I think racted development. 0:41:36.279 --> 0:41:38.359 I was like, I should know all this stuff by now. 0:41:38.439 --> 0:41:42.719 I should know how to like like have a sense 0:41:42.759 --> 0:41:44.559 of style and know how to have a job and like, no, 0:41:44.639 --> 0:41:46.279 what I took to ball and like all this stuff. 0:41:46.319 --> 0:41:48.919 I think there was a bit of that kind of 0:41:50.599 --> 0:41:55.159 not giving myself a break, if that makes sense. And 0:41:55.239 --> 0:41:58.679 also I think there's also this idea of like this 0:41:58.879 --> 0:42:02.759 real conflicting of I'm totally free, but I also I am 0:42:02.799 --> 0:42:05.639 hiding this giant secret and I left behind people who 0:42:05.759 --> 0:42:09.359 actually know me, and I had to just completely severtize 0:42:09.439 --> 0:42:13.079 with best friends and I didn't tell anyone what had happened, 0:42:13.159 --> 0:42:15.519 or that I was leaving and just disappearing. 0:42:15.039 --> 0:42:18.039 Or where you were going or so there's. 0:42:17.799 --> 0:42:21.879 Probably that inside me, two of this grief, but being 0:42:21.919 --> 0:42:24.239 like no, got to keep got to keep positive, like 0:42:24.519 --> 0:42:25.799 you know, there's no looking back. 0:42:26.639 --> 0:42:27.719 Did you end up working? 0:42:28.159 --> 0:42:31.199 Yeah, I got my first job at City Beach, and 0:42:31.919 --> 0:42:32.919 that was so cool. 0:42:33.039 --> 0:42:36.879 Working in retail and said, no, wonder. 0:42:38.039 --> 0:42:40.199 I know, this girl's the happiest girl ever to like 0:42:40.319 --> 0:42:41.879 have a job in retail. 0:42:43.279 --> 0:42:48.159 So that was pretty pretty exciting. I want to ask 0:42:48.239 --> 0:42:50.159 you something. You don't have to answer it, but. 0:42:52.159 --> 0:42:56.919 When you're in that situation and your mother's got is 0:42:56.959 --> 0:42:59.959 the only one who's an adult who can exercise that 0:43:00.079 --> 0:43:05.279 control to leave the situation that you're in, that untenable 0:43:06.359 --> 0:43:11.759 and she doesn't do it. Did you and your sister 0:43:12.519 --> 0:43:14.679 have periods when you were angry at her? 0:43:16.319 --> 0:43:18.839 I don't want to stick with my sister, but I 0:43:19.359 --> 0:43:23.519 definitely know that I I did. I think that, and 0:43:23.559 --> 0:43:26.039 I think it can be conscious, it can be unconscious, 0:43:26.639 --> 0:43:33.439 but that one hundred makes things really hard and just 0:43:34.119 --> 0:43:39.919 feeling like, yeah, it's just this really uncomfortable and sad 0:43:40.879 --> 0:43:42.039 reality where you just. 0:43:41.999 --> 0:43:44.039 You're like, is anyone protecting me? I guess? 0:43:45.719 --> 0:43:50.719 But then of course she's in this situation where you're 0:43:50.759 --> 0:43:55.999 angry at her and she's already dealing with your dad. 0:43:57.039 --> 0:43:57.359 That's why. 0:43:57.439 --> 0:44:00.399 And the thing is like, you can't put the blame 0:44:00.439 --> 0:44:04.559 on each other. The person who deserves the blame is 0:44:04.559 --> 0:44:07.199 the bus it was inflicting this and we are just 0:44:08.119 --> 0:44:09.879 you know, you're just going to have emotions and it's 0:44:09.999 --> 0:44:10.559 very compliment. 0:44:10.559 --> 0:44:11.919 It's not fair to each of us. 0:44:11.959 --> 0:44:13.679 But you're human, right, so it's just going to go 0:44:13.719 --> 0:44:16.679 in different directions you're a kid or whatever. But I 0:44:16.719 --> 0:44:18.919 also just think about I was really isolated from my 0:44:18.999 --> 0:44:22.319 mom from the start. I have a relationship where my 0:44:22.359 --> 0:44:25.999 mom says, like, as soon as I was born, there 0:44:26.039 --> 0:44:27.839 was pressure for her to go back to work, and 0:44:27.879 --> 0:44:31.199 we didn't. I didn't get a bonding time with her, 0:44:31.479 --> 0:44:34.039 unlike my sister. And I also know that you know, 0:44:34.839 --> 0:44:38.799 with some abuses and had relationships like that, who the control. 0:44:38.839 --> 0:44:41.759 It's like isolating you from each other. So I really 0:44:41.799 --> 0:44:44.599 remember growing up thinking like I would hear girls at 0:44:44.599 --> 0:44:46.919 school talk about being best friends with their mom and 0:44:46.959 --> 0:44:48.959 like going shopping with their mom and having mom dates, 0:44:48.959 --> 0:44:51.679 and that just never happened. I had five minutes with 0:44:51.679 --> 0:44:53.759 my mom before bed where she just like tucked me in, 0:44:54.319 --> 0:44:57.159 or it's the school drop offs, like we're not actually 0:44:57.159 --> 0:44:59.679 having any meaningful connection. My dad would be taking up 0:44:59.719 --> 0:45:01.839 a lot of that time with me. 0:45:02.839 --> 0:45:07.039 And so we like a dad's girl. Yeah, yeah, So 0:45:07.079 --> 0:45:07.559 you had to. 0:45:07.559 --> 0:45:10.559 Leave that behind as well. As part of the complexity 0:45:10.599 --> 0:45:14.199 of what we're talking about absolutely absolutely. 0:45:14.239 --> 0:45:16.079 And the thing I wanted to go back and say 0:45:16.199 --> 0:45:17.799 is like I think, yeah, of course, it's hard to 0:45:17.879 --> 0:45:21.319 hear someone who can inflict such pain also be someone 0:45:21.359 --> 0:45:24.159 that you love and love. But that's the thing, right, 0:45:24.199 --> 0:45:27.799 And like, actually, humans they're not clear like a dementor. 0:45:28.479 --> 0:45:31.639 They're not They're people who have personalities and have good 0:45:31.679 --> 0:45:35.319 parts and bad parts. It's not like easy circle that 0:45:36.079 --> 0:45:39.039 person's all bad all the time. It just can't work 0:45:39.159 --> 0:45:39.359 like that. 0:45:40.279 --> 0:45:45.079 Well, that's why the situations also exist because you know 0:45:45.239 --> 0:45:50.039 the capacity of this person to be their essential, untainted self, 0:45:50.759 --> 0:45:53.239 and every time you see that beautiful part of them, 0:45:53.719 --> 0:45:57.039 you're that part of you, the faith part of you 0:45:58.399 --> 0:46:00.639 is restored and you're like, maybe this is how it 0:46:00.679 --> 0:46:02.279 will be now. 0:46:02.199 --> 0:46:04.559 Yeah, totally. 0:46:04.599 --> 0:46:08.119 It's like also, it's like my dad in particular, like 0:46:08.999 --> 0:46:13.319 he could be very loving, he could be That's what 0:46:13.359 --> 0:46:14.959 a lot of perpetrates with people don't understand, is like 0:46:15.039 --> 0:46:17.199 they're humans, so they can be charming, they can be 0:46:17.679 --> 0:46:19.639 So my dad could be loving, and but it was 0:46:19.759 --> 0:46:21.439 very I would say the love that I grew up with, 0:46:21.479 --> 0:46:22.319 it was conditional. 0:46:22.559 --> 0:46:24.399 It was am I doing the right thing? Am I 0:46:24.439 --> 0:46:24.879 being sure? 0:46:24.959 --> 0:46:27.599 Then I will receive love and if I'm not, it's 0:46:27.639 --> 0:46:30.479 the stark opposite. And that's a very specific way of 0:46:30.479 --> 0:46:33.119 growing up, conditional love versus uncondition And. 0:46:33.079 --> 0:46:37.159 Did that definition of you doing the right thing change 0:46:37.279 --> 0:46:37.919 all the time? 0:46:38.519 --> 0:46:42.439 Hmmm, I'm sure yes, But I would say that, like 0:46:43.519 --> 0:46:45.959 the top line would be the same of being a 0:46:45.999 --> 0:46:50.199 good girl and studying hard and you know, not speaking 0:46:50.319 --> 0:46:52.479 up and not talking to boy like, you know, the 0:46:52.599 --> 0:46:55.039 through lines are kind of the same of if I'm 0:46:55.119 --> 0:46:57.119 doing good at school, we're all good. 0:46:58.079 --> 0:46:59.319 If I'm studying, we're all good. 0:46:59.839 --> 0:47:03.039 If I'm you know, like on the path that we'd 0:47:03.319 --> 0:47:07.279 hope of, just like going to UNI and not being 0:47:07.319 --> 0:47:09.959 a slut and not dressing like a slut and not 0:47:10.079 --> 0:47:12.159 like I don't know, like those things are kind of 0:47:13.319 --> 0:47:13.759 the same. 0:47:13.879 --> 0:47:21.999 And I find this hard to hear because you are 0:47:22.159 --> 0:47:30.079 such a good girl. Thank you. You're such a good girl. 0:47:31.279 --> 0:47:31.759 Thank you. 0:47:32.559 --> 0:47:34.679 And I think that's what that's where the not enough 0:47:34.759 --> 0:47:37.239 comes in. If I was a good girl, but it 0:47:37.279 --> 0:47:39.399 wasn't enough because it couldn't be all the time? 0:47:40.119 --> 0:47:40.799 Well who can? 0:47:41.119 --> 0:47:46.359 You can? And then so was Seeina when you had 0:47:46.399 --> 0:47:51.399 you like your rubber band, your explosion of you know 0:47:51.599 --> 0:47:56.039 or not explosion, but you're your rebellion from that, and 0:47:56.479 --> 0:47:58.199 you know you've talked about this in your stand up 0:47:58.279 --> 0:48:02.759 and stuff as well. Wait your wild face, how did 0:48:02.799 --> 0:48:03.639 that manifest? 0:48:03.959 --> 0:48:04.479 Oh my god? 0:48:05.399 --> 0:48:11.199 It involved me joining a society at UNI, which I 0:48:11.239 --> 0:48:14.919 hadn't realized, like is you know, all the orientation stuff 0:48:14.959 --> 0:48:17.999 and all the events have pretty much just like been shrinking. 0:48:18.399 --> 0:48:20.119 Excuse us to bin drink. 0:48:19.999 --> 0:48:24.319 Right, And I would traditionally yeah, that's right, and i'd 0:48:24.359 --> 0:48:27.479 grown up, you know, not drinking, but again being scared 0:48:27.479 --> 0:48:30.959 off drugs, alcohol like all that kind of stuff. Boys, boys, 0:48:31.039 --> 0:48:33.719 all of it, and I'm thrown into it, and also 0:48:33.799 --> 0:48:35.799 adding the expectation of I should be able to do this. 0:48:35.879 --> 0:48:37.439 I need to keep up with everyone. I can't seem 0:48:37.519 --> 0:48:40.919 like a fish out of water and tell them that 0:48:40.959 --> 0:48:45.999 I have like a crazy like dad. So it resulted 0:48:46.039 --> 0:48:49.359 in me like literally been drinking, like going like and 0:48:49.399 --> 0:48:52.439 being around boys, and it's so funny. 0:48:52.439 --> 0:48:53.679 I was talking about this with my mum recently. 0:48:53.759 --> 0:48:57.839 I would be like hugging the toilet bowl, vomiting like 0:48:58.479 --> 0:49:03.959 in the most like scream like terrible hangovers and Mum 0:49:03.999 --> 0:49:07.799 being like this is really not okay. But I'm like, oh, 0:49:07.839 --> 0:49:09.199 but I have to do this, Like this is what 0:49:09.199 --> 0:49:10.839 you do when you need to make friends. I need 0:49:10.879 --> 0:49:12.279 to like go to the Uni van and I need 0:49:12.319 --> 0:49:14.319 to like drink with everyone. Everyone else is drinking, like 0:49:14.519 --> 0:49:16.559 but clearly I had like a much lower tolerance than 0:49:16.599 --> 0:49:19.319 everyone else. You know, I'm like pissing myself while I'm 0:49:19.359 --> 0:49:23.239 like vomiting in a toilet, like it's that violent. And 0:49:23.239 --> 0:49:25.319 and just yeah, like being around boys for the first 0:49:25.319 --> 0:49:28.959 time and just being like just not chill, like you know, 0:49:29.159 --> 0:49:31.479 like I don't know, just it's so but at the 0:49:31.519 --> 0:49:35.719 same time, you know, meeting amazing people, but just totally 0:49:36.559 --> 0:49:37.879 out of my element, being like do. 0:49:37.839 --> 0:49:40.359 I like partying? Like do I enjoying this stuff? 0:49:40.359 --> 0:49:42.879 Like look what it's doing to my body, but just 0:49:42.879 --> 0:49:44.879 being like what do you I'm just following everyone else and. 0:49:44.879 --> 0:49:45.559 Just trying to fit in. 0:49:46.199 --> 0:49:49.359 Because also, if you think about adolescence sort of like 0:49:49.399 --> 0:49:53.919 a flight of steps you had missed you went straight 0:49:53.959 --> 0:49:57.679 to the top land like he didn't. He hadn't learned 0:49:57.799 --> 0:50:01.079 any of that ascent because it was denied to you. 0:50:01.799 --> 0:50:04.439 Absolutely, Like that's the part. There's so many things like 0:50:04.679 --> 0:50:06.079 not being allowed to go to sleep of is not 0:50:06.079 --> 0:50:08.319 being allowed to go to like I just had these 0:50:08.399 --> 0:50:09.039 big gaps. 0:50:09.039 --> 0:50:11.199 When people like still go, you're so sheltered. 0:50:11.279 --> 0:50:14.319 I was just really sheltered, and in a way where 0:50:14.319 --> 0:50:16.079 you get to be like the way I'm able to 0:50:16.079 --> 0:50:17.999 be open about it now and be like, oh, I 0:50:18.039 --> 0:50:18.919 have these blind spots. 0:50:18.959 --> 0:50:21.319 Here's why I wasn't able to do that. 0:50:21.959 --> 0:50:24.279 So I'm just pretending. I'm just trading water. I'm just 0:50:24.279 --> 0:50:28.079 being like la la la la la, just to seem normal. 0:50:29.079 --> 0:50:35.319 So when you're in Wa and you're Siena one in Siena. 0:50:34.559 --> 0:50:37.359 Very important to see that you're so specific about that. 0:50:39.959 --> 0:50:42.319 I thought it was better with the one and sorry anyways, 0:50:42.399 --> 0:50:42.799 keeping me. 0:50:43.239 --> 0:50:47.599 Yeah, it's like Danny Minogue double I. Yeah, you know 0:50:47.639 --> 0:50:48.839 you're making a statement. 0:50:48.879 --> 0:50:49.359 That's right. 0:50:50.319 --> 0:50:54.039 But at what point did you transition out of Siena 0:50:54.599 --> 0:50:58.719 and was that like a critical defining moment where you 0:50:58.759 --> 0:51:01.119 went tomorrow I'm going to be conchetah or I'm going 0:51:01.159 --> 0:51:04.279 to tell people how does that work? Oh? 0:51:04.719 --> 0:51:06.039 Yeah it was. 0:51:07.359 --> 0:51:10.719 Yeah, It's it's like it's not like a clear definition, right, 0:51:10.759 --> 0:51:13.959 it's like a a longer process of the realizing, like 0:51:14.039 --> 0:51:16.119 we're making the decision to go back again. 0:51:16.159 --> 0:51:19.039 You've just done this huge thing of Oh my god. 0:51:19.039 --> 0:51:19.999 I can't even explain. 0:51:20.039 --> 0:51:23.319 It was just so crazy and messy and conflicting to 0:51:23.359 --> 0:51:27.799 be like, okay, now I'm going back to Conchetta. What 0:51:27.799 --> 0:51:31.079 I can say is I I was selective about who 0:51:31.119 --> 0:51:33.519 I told in Perth. You know, it's not like you 0:51:33.559 --> 0:51:35.799 throw one big party and you're like, hey, everyone, here's 0:51:35.799 --> 0:51:37.839 the story. I'm getting everyone on the same page. It's 0:51:37.879 --> 0:51:40.519 the Conchetta launch party, and here's the story of me 0:51:40.919 --> 0:51:41.559 telling you. 0:51:41.519 --> 0:51:42.359 About my trot. 0:51:42.399 --> 0:51:44.759 No, it was like, oh my god, I now have 0:51:44.839 --> 0:51:47.319 to rip myself from what another reality. 0:51:47.479 --> 0:51:48.759 I've just gone one gear. 0:51:48.959 --> 0:51:52.359 Now the next gear to try and you know, build 0:51:52.519 --> 0:51:55.679 have this better future and build the next step. And 0:51:55.719 --> 0:52:00.879 I remember I pretty much like slow faded from people. 0:52:00.919 --> 0:52:03.079 You can still find the Facebook. It is still active, 0:52:03.159 --> 0:52:07.959 the Cianna Degrach Facebook. And I told a few friends 0:52:08.559 --> 0:52:11.199 and I'm still in contact with one of those beautiful friends, Mira. 0:52:11.319 --> 0:52:12.999 She's so incredible, and. 0:52:12.919 --> 0:52:16.439 I yeah, again, it's like evaluating, what are these relationships? 0:52:16.479 --> 0:52:18.799 Are you able to like share this really messy and 0:52:18.879 --> 0:52:22.839 complicated story at the same point, you know, being worried 0:52:22.839 --> 0:52:25.679 about safety and all these different things. But I was 0:52:25.679 --> 0:52:27.239 telling a few people and then the rest it was 0:52:27.239 --> 0:52:29.479 again like what I did before, just like leaving and 0:52:29.519 --> 0:52:32.919 assuming like, oh, I won't bother anyone and I'm just 0:52:32.999 --> 0:52:35.279 going to leave and no one will ask me questions 0:52:35.279 --> 0:52:40.159 and I'll again then just slip on out type of situation. 0:52:40.799 --> 0:52:43.119 But also this must be. 0:52:45.599 --> 0:52:50.639 Tasting because to draw people in and share this with 0:52:50.679 --> 0:52:54.159 them requires a certain amount of intimacy and a relationship 0:52:54.159 --> 0:52:55.959 that you've developed with them. And then you also have 0:52:56.039 --> 0:52:59.199 to say to them I've been lying to you. Yeah, 0:53:00.519 --> 0:53:03.839 So that's very nuanced and strange. 0:53:04.039 --> 0:53:08.759 Absolutely, but I would say, you know what a reason 0:53:08.799 --> 0:53:11.999 to lie? Like no one was like you bitch, like you, 0:53:13.079 --> 0:53:14.119 how dare you? 0:53:14.399 --> 0:53:14.519 Like? 0:53:14.999 --> 0:53:16.639 You know, they go, They're like. 0:53:16.559 --> 0:53:19.319 This is the most insane thing I've ever heard, and 0:53:19.399 --> 0:53:22.359 I was only ever met with like you know, the 0:53:22.399 --> 0:53:24.799 people I told like an empathy and a sympathy and 0:53:24.879 --> 0:53:27.519 a and a just like a I guess a real 0:53:27.599 --> 0:53:30.439 like whoa like a shock of you know, what can 0:53:30.479 --> 0:53:30.879 you do? 0:53:31.239 --> 0:53:33.079 And then you're also and so they were like what 0:53:33.079 --> 0:53:36.359 do I call you now? Yeah? And that's a kind 0:53:36.479 --> 0:53:37.399 thing to ask someone. 0:53:37.439 --> 0:53:41.239 And it's people who allowed me space to this sort 0:53:41.279 --> 0:53:45.399 of like complicated reality. And then also the crazy part 0:53:45.479 --> 0:53:48.479 is then like you I'll get then I'm like Conchatta 0:53:48.519 --> 0:53:52.399 on Triple J and I got message of people being. 0:53:52.239 --> 0:53:55.519 Like hang on your concertto like, you know, like it's. 0:53:55.399 --> 0:53:58.919 So life's crazy, dude. Imagine being a person to be 0:53:58.999 --> 0:54:01.039 like what I knew? This girl called Siena in pert 0:54:01.359 --> 0:54:01.799 what is she? 0:54:01.879 --> 0:54:04.999 And she looked exactly like yeah, but. 0:54:04.919 --> 0:54:08.039 There's a lot of yeah, just a lot of emotional 0:54:08.039 --> 0:54:11.479 stuff they carrying them coming back in to Sydney and 0:54:11.479 --> 0:54:14.719 deciding who I tell and reconnecting with my best friend 0:54:14.759 --> 0:54:16.599 whose life I missed the better part of a year. 0:54:16.639 --> 0:54:17.999 She's got a long term Boyfri and I don't know, 0:54:18.079 --> 0:54:21.159 like it was just what a thing to navigate the 0:54:21.239 --> 0:54:22.039 three of us. 0:54:22.399 --> 0:54:24.199 You know, how long will you see Enna? 0:54:25.439 --> 0:54:31.479 I think I was Sienaugh for maybe like nine months, 0:54:31.519 --> 0:54:33.679 like seven to nine months. It was like the better 0:54:33.679 --> 0:54:36.119 part of twenty fourteen. 0:54:36.559 --> 0:54:39.999 Where is she now? S She's on Facebook? Go find 0:54:39.999 --> 0:54:42.279 her at her as a friend? I gotta Yeah. 0:54:42.519 --> 0:54:46.079 I sometimes would go back in and read the conversations, 0:54:46.159 --> 0:54:51.439 and you know, it's a it's a very unique thing 0:54:51.639 --> 0:54:55.519 to have. It's like a time capsule. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0:54:55.559 --> 0:54:57.359 And then when was comedy born? 0:54:57.999 --> 0:55:03.959 In this in this period, your desire to stand up 0:55:03.999 --> 0:55:06.119 in front of her people and they sit in the 0:55:06.199 --> 0:55:08.319 dark and you've had the light on you and you 0:55:08.399 --> 0:55:09.159 make them laugh. 0:55:09.599 --> 0:55:11.839 Actually not in the Perth era. 0:55:12.439 --> 0:55:15.399 What it got me to was I did a whopper 0:55:15.559 --> 0:55:19.679 short course of acting for screen and stage. 0:55:19.719 --> 0:55:23.039 The WI Performing Arts Academy or that's right. 0:55:23.519 --> 0:55:25.319 So it got me to you know, I think I 0:55:25.399 --> 0:55:28.799 was watching stand up shows over in Perth, but wasn't. 0:55:29.119 --> 0:55:31.359 I wasn't signing up to open micause I wasn't actually 0:55:31.359 --> 0:55:34.079 practically doing comedy. But I think I started to be like, 0:55:34.119 --> 0:55:35.199 what if I wanted to perform? 0:55:35.319 --> 0:55:36.479 And I did this. 0:55:36.479 --> 0:55:39.679 Acting course, which I think I enjoyed, but I also 0:55:39.759 --> 0:55:42.239 struggled with it. It was very serious and I think I 0:55:42.279 --> 0:55:44.599 was like, oh, I don't know about acting. And then 0:55:44.639 --> 0:55:50.239 it wasn't until eventually getting back to Sydney, and it 0:55:50.279 --> 0:55:51.959 actually was a bit of a journey to get to 0:55:51.959 --> 0:55:52.359 stand up. 0:55:52.359 --> 0:55:54.959 It wasn't straight into stand up. There was acting. 0:55:55.119 --> 0:55:58.919 Then there was reviews, university reviews like those plays. 0:55:58.639 --> 0:55:59.519 That you make at UNI. 0:55:59.639 --> 0:56:07.239 Yes, fun theater, sports ensemble, ensemble, that's right, theater, sports improv. 0:56:07.759 --> 0:56:08.239 Stand up. 0:56:08.279 --> 0:56:11.399 Stand up to me seemed the most far out and 0:56:11.599 --> 0:56:15.479 scary and vulnerable thing of like performing to do so 0:56:15.519 --> 0:56:18.679 it took me a journey just to get to stand up. 0:56:19.879 --> 0:56:24.479 And what was it in you? Do you think. 0:56:26.199 --> 0:56:30.399 That your desire to do that was born from the 0:56:30.599 --> 0:56:36.199 essential Concertta or was it a reaction to what Conchetta 0:56:36.359 --> 0:56:37.279 had lived? 0:56:39.119 --> 0:56:43.319 I think that's hard to answer, but my instinct is 0:56:43.359 --> 0:56:45.999 to say it surely must be a combination of both. 0:56:46.399 --> 0:56:48.079 I do think, like if we. 0:56:48.039 --> 0:56:49.839 Ask my mom or people who know me, like my 0:56:50.079 --> 0:56:55.679 personality is one that thrives off people and interaction, and 0:56:55.879 --> 0:56:58.759 I don't know, I guess just like being fully myself 0:56:59.079 --> 0:57:03.639 or something and sharing that. But then I also think 0:57:03.679 --> 0:57:07.879 there's something in the control, there's something in the being, 0:57:07.919 --> 0:57:11.679 like I'm putting myself out there and trying to find 0:57:11.799 --> 0:57:14.159 celebration in that where I wasn't able to have that 0:57:14.199 --> 0:57:16.519 in a full way at home. Like I think about 0:57:17.279 --> 0:57:20.399 that's why I probably strive at school, because my dad 0:57:20.399 --> 0:57:22.079 will be like, you're not the class clown, are you. 0:57:22.159 --> 0:57:25.719 That's a distraction that's taking you away from being studious 0:57:25.759 --> 0:57:27.279 and being the ducks and all that kind of stuff. 0:57:27.319 --> 0:57:29.559 So I'd have to be like, oh, yeah, no, I'm 0:57:29.559 --> 0:57:30.439 not the class clown. 0:57:30.479 --> 0:57:32.639 But then I'm going out there and doing that and 0:57:32.639 --> 0:57:35.079 feeling the joy from being my full self but not 0:57:35.119 --> 0:57:37.399 being able to be my full self at home, having 0:57:37.439 --> 0:57:38.879 to be a version of myself. 0:57:38.519 --> 0:57:38.959 And on it. 0:57:39.039 --> 0:57:41.439 So I think, yeah, then the art of getting up 0:57:41.479 --> 0:57:44.119 there and for better or for worth being, like here's me, 0:57:44.199 --> 0:57:46.879 here's my thoughts, here's my personality, here's my daughter. Like 0:57:46.959 --> 0:57:49.799 that truly has to be something of like that freedom 0:57:49.879 --> 0:57:52.559 feeling really powerful when. 0:57:52.439 --> 0:57:57.559 You've had to hide so many parts of yourself, your 0:57:57.639 --> 0:58:01.639 comedy is very take a three sixty few of me, 0:58:02.359 --> 0:58:04.319 Like really, it's like, I'll do the spin. 0:58:04.639 --> 0:58:08.359 Then you're sorry, right. 0:58:08.479 --> 0:58:11.159 Like I think about my beautiful ex boyfriend Ben, who 0:58:11.239 --> 0:58:13.759 was also a comedian, and a big part of our 0:58:13.759 --> 0:58:15.719 relationship was, you know, finding each other. 0:58:15.759 --> 0:58:17.879 So did the show together? Did the show together and 0:58:18.639 --> 0:58:19.039 get emotion? 0:58:19.199 --> 0:58:21.599 But I think about him and both loving comedy, both 0:58:21.599 --> 0:58:26.159 have really similar comedy sensibilities, but getting to learn about 0:58:26.159 --> 0:58:27.999 the different kinds of comedians that you can have where 0:58:27.999 --> 0:58:30.879 it's like my ex he loved writing jokes, like he 0:58:30.919 --> 0:58:33.359 grew up listening to centup albums and the love for 0:58:33.479 --> 0:58:35.399 him was performing and thinking and writing jokes. And a 0:58:35.439 --> 0:58:37.599 lot of his jokes. Literally, you would learn nothing about 0:58:37.639 --> 0:58:39.639 my boyfriend. You wouldn't know like you know, it's like 0:58:40.079 --> 0:58:41.719 the art of the joke and being really surreal. 0:58:41.799 --> 0:58:43.399 And then you've got me who is. 0:58:43.479 --> 0:58:47.319 I learned he had diary from you, not from him. 0:58:47.799 --> 0:58:49.959 And that shade constant a. 0:58:50.639 --> 0:58:52.519 You would learn more about him from me than you 0:58:52.559 --> 0:58:57.199 would from his own our comedy shows and and yeah, 0:58:57.239 --> 0:58:59.839 mine is very like who I am off is on 0:59:00.399 --> 0:59:01.759 I'm sharing what's happening in my life. 0:59:01.799 --> 0:59:03.919 It's very like personal. It's very like la la la la. 0:59:04.039 --> 0:59:06.039 And and I just remember seeing that like, oh, that's 0:59:06.039 --> 0:59:08.159 a different way of being a comedian or doing comedy 0:59:08.199 --> 0:59:10.399 of like for him it was in the joke, writing 0:59:10.559 --> 0:59:12.399 the and he just thought about it differently. But we 0:59:12.479 --> 0:59:16.239 both appreciated each other, but it was very different. So, yeah, 0:59:16.279 --> 0:59:17.839 hearing you said that, I was like, yes, it's very 0:59:17.879 --> 0:59:22.199 three sixty, it's very Yeah. 0:59:22.239 --> 0:59:27.719 So, relationship wise, how much of your background do you 0:59:27.799 --> 0:59:30.839 take into a relationship. I mean, we all It's hard 0:59:30.839 --> 0:59:33.079 to answer because we are all, you know, the sum 0:59:33.079 --> 0:59:34.759 of the experiences that we've had. 0:59:35.599 --> 0:59:37.479 But are you wary? 0:59:37.719 --> 0:59:42.199 Are you are your antenna honed for any signs of 0:59:42.959 --> 0:59:49.559 you know, controlling behavior, or do you feel that you 0:59:50.639 --> 0:59:55.119 have taken off that cloak of history and that you 0:59:55.159 --> 0:59:59.839 can step, you know, unweighted into the romantic future. 1:00:00.959 --> 1:00:04.439 I think where I am now, I would be stepping 1:00:04.439 --> 1:00:09.439 in the most unweighted. But I would say that was 1:00:09.479 --> 1:00:11.799 a long journey. I've been in therapy for maybe like 1:00:13.599 --> 1:00:15.959 I don't know, like seven or eight years, you know, 1:00:15.999 --> 1:00:18.879 the better part of like ten years. And the only 1:00:18.959 --> 1:00:21.599 thing that got me into therapy. It's not being like, 1:00:21.999 --> 1:00:25.519 oh I've had I grew up with violence and I. 1:00:25.519 --> 1:00:26.119 Blah blah lah. 1:00:26.239 --> 1:00:29.439 No, it was it was because of a relationship, because, 1:00:29.639 --> 1:00:31.839 like you say, you take yourself and your pass into 1:00:31.879 --> 1:00:38.879 your relationships, and my first proper relationship, I was really erratic. 1:00:38.959 --> 1:00:41.679 I was very like really high highs and then really 1:00:41.759 --> 1:00:44.279 low low is, meaning like he would one time he 1:00:44.319 --> 1:00:46.519 was like running late. He like lived in Manly or something. 1:00:46.559 --> 1:00:48.239 He's like got a big trek to meet me, and 1:00:48.279 --> 1:00:49.719 he's like running late. He's like sorry, I was like 1:00:49.839 --> 1:00:53.679 playing on my video game. I'm like freaking out, being 1:00:53.719 --> 1:00:56.919 like what you're late? This means you don't care about me, 1:00:56.959 --> 1:00:59.279 you don't love My brain's got like done like just 1:00:59.359 --> 1:01:02.319 jumped from A to C where someone else would be 1:01:02.359 --> 1:01:04.559 like potentially be like, oh, okay, you're a bit late, 1:01:04.599 --> 1:01:06.239 Well i'll see you soon, Like oh that's Obama. 1:01:06.279 --> 1:01:07.079 You're a little bit late. 1:01:07.559 --> 1:01:10.199 You'd miss it, like, you know, there were things like 1:01:10.199 --> 1:01:13.279 that where I'm having really high reactions to maybe small 1:01:13.319 --> 1:01:17.439 things and it's unconscious, right, and then my partner's being like, oh, 1:01:17.519 --> 1:01:18.919 this is a trend, this is happening. 1:01:19.999 --> 1:01:20.239 You know. 1:01:20.399 --> 1:01:22.639 It was through this relationship of them finding it really 1:01:22.679 --> 1:01:25.799 hard and sort of noticing like, I think there's stuff 1:01:26.079 --> 1:01:28.399 here that maybe you should speak to someone about. It 1:01:28.439 --> 1:01:30.439 was through trying to love someone and seeing what was 1:01:30.479 --> 1:01:32.679 being done to me of like how I'm wrecked and 1:01:32.679 --> 1:01:35.839 being like what am I psycho? Like that got me 1:01:35.879 --> 1:01:37.559 into the chair to speak to someone. 1:01:37.599 --> 1:01:44.519 And what sort of therapy? Well, like how did you 1:01:44.639 --> 1:01:47.399 know what? Or did you try a few? Was it 1:01:47.679 --> 1:01:49.279 suck at? And see? Well? 1:01:49.319 --> 1:01:53.839 Actually, I think I went to my local medical center 1:01:53.959 --> 1:01:55.599 and just went I need to see a therapist. And 1:01:55.599 --> 1:01:58.079 I remember I was put with one, and I remember 1:01:58.119 --> 1:02:01.839 sitting in the session and you know, you do the 1:02:01.839 --> 1:02:03.799 classic questions just getting to know them type thing, and 1:02:03.839 --> 1:02:07.319 I just remembered for like, all, this feels like someone 1:02:07.319 --> 1:02:09.639 who's like a dad. It was a man and just 1:02:09.679 --> 1:02:11.839 not being like is my abusive dad? I mor mean 1:02:11.919 --> 1:02:13.879 like it was just like, oh, I just didn't feel 1:02:14.279 --> 1:02:16.239 like we were getting each other or he was getting me, 1:02:16.679 --> 1:02:16.959 or it. 1:02:16.959 --> 1:02:18.239 Just felt like not the right fit. 1:02:18.279 --> 1:02:19.839 And I think I was like, oh, and it was 1:02:19.879 --> 1:02:23.199 my mom who was seeing someone. And I can't remember 1:02:23.239 --> 1:02:26.079 how she found our therapist. And she had a history 1:02:26.159 --> 1:02:31.919 in working with people who flee war and people who 1:02:32.039 --> 1:02:35.999 come from violence, and there's trauma, and that kind of trauma, 1:02:36.159 --> 1:02:39.239 even that sounds crazy, is like similar because it's I 1:02:39.239 --> 1:02:41.439 think what connects them as you're constantly on edge, you're 1:02:41.479 --> 1:02:43.679 constantly in fid or flight, like if you're fleeing war, 1:02:43.759 --> 1:02:46.439 and if you've got like someone who could turn at 1:02:46.439 --> 1:02:46.839 any time. 1:02:46.919 --> 1:02:49.039 So my mom, I don't think that sounds crazy. 1:02:49.319 --> 1:02:52.119 Yes, so true, it's actually so normal. And then she 1:02:52.199 --> 1:02:54.439 was like, I'm seeing someone, why don't you try her? 1:02:54.959 --> 1:02:56.759 And so then I went I was lucky in having 1:02:57.039 --> 1:03:01.319 I guess that recommendation and just finding that fit and 1:03:01.439 --> 1:03:04.279 it being one of like my salvations in my life 1:03:05.119 --> 1:03:08.319 of you know, coming and being like I'm in the relationship. 1:03:08.359 --> 1:03:09.959 I'm struggling. Here's what's going on. 1:03:10.039 --> 1:03:12.279 And she's like, Okay, well let's talk about where it 1:03:12.279 --> 1:03:14.119 all started. And I'm like, well, why, Like I'm not 1:03:14.119 --> 1:03:16.119 being beaten anymore. Everything should be normal, right, And then 1:03:16.159 --> 1:03:20.879 I literally am starting to learn about what that environment 1:03:20.919 --> 1:03:23.599 growing up with, how that shapes the way you see love, 1:03:23.679 --> 1:03:26.239 how you receive love, how you see yourself, how you 1:03:26.239 --> 1:03:28.559 you know. And then I was just on the journey 1:03:28.719 --> 1:03:31.719 of learning about myself and learning a lot through the 1:03:31.759 --> 1:03:35.599 relationships and my attraction to men and love and all 1:03:35.599 --> 1:03:36.159 that sort of stuff. 1:03:36.159 --> 1:03:37.919 It's been a big journey of what sort of man 1:03:37.959 --> 1:03:38.879 are you attracted to? 1:03:39.599 --> 1:03:43.759 Funny me funny funny, they've got a hold on it. 1:03:43.839 --> 1:03:48.519 I mean that's every woman. Yeah, just about totally. What else? 1:03:48.719 --> 1:03:48.999 I mean? 1:03:49.039 --> 1:03:53.399 I think I really like I remember with my last partner, 1:03:53.439 --> 1:04:00.159 he was just very kind and very very I guess 1:04:00.999 --> 1:04:04.959 just maybe like assured in himself, a calmness, maybe calm 1:04:04.999 --> 1:04:07.919 and quiet men I've been attracted to. 1:04:10.239 --> 1:04:15.119 You're describing Yin and yang. That's all right, But you. 1:04:14.999 --> 1:04:17.599 Know when you were like, oh do you like there 1:04:17.399 --> 1:04:19.599 were I remember thinking, like, you know, I'm not going 1:04:19.679 --> 1:04:21.959 to go for someone violent. But what I learned was 1:04:22.319 --> 1:04:25.559 I was there was a sort of trajectory where I 1:04:25.599 --> 1:04:27.199 was maybe attracted to. 1:04:29.239 --> 1:04:32.479 Men or a man where they it was that. 1:04:32.479 --> 1:04:35.159 Similar thing of up and down if we're talking right, 1:04:35.239 --> 1:04:37.159 the love bombing and then the take it away. And 1:04:37.439 --> 1:04:39.479 I had a relationship definitely like that where it wasn't 1:04:40.079 --> 1:04:43.239 violence or anything, but it was this very like toxic 1:04:43.399 --> 1:04:45.639 kind of up and that is what I had felt 1:04:45.639 --> 1:04:47.759 comfortable in. That is all I'd known, And again it 1:04:47.799 --> 1:04:49.479 was only through therapy, and honestly a lot of it's 1:04:49.519 --> 1:04:52.079 also then in hindsight and moving on to the next 1:04:52.079 --> 1:04:54.719 thing that you realize, Okay, you can fall in patterns. 1:04:54.759 --> 1:04:56.799 It's different for everyone, but that was maybe something that 1:04:56.879 --> 1:05:01.319 I was involved in, and then just watching myself sort 1:05:01.359 --> 1:05:04.439 of grow and change, and then I reckon by my 1:05:04.759 --> 1:05:07.799 exit was more seeing that growth in myself to be 1:05:07.839 --> 1:05:10.879 attracted to someone who wasn't like that and was calm 1:05:10.919 --> 1:05:14.239 and steady and always a very like, I don't know, 1:05:14.799 --> 1:05:19.519 healthy kind of love and build not like a complete 1:05:19.519 --> 1:05:21.239 love bomb type thing. 1:05:21.479 --> 1:05:27.719 YEA, that there's something about the regularity of the heartbeat 1:05:27.759 --> 1:05:31.119 of the relationship and that you also break the pattern 1:05:31.159 --> 1:05:35.599 of maybe needing the adrenaline. Yes, sheefs because it's something 1:05:35.679 --> 1:05:36.679 you are familiar with. 1:05:36.839 --> 1:05:38.879 Yes, And if I may say, now, I'm just sort 1:05:38.879 --> 1:05:40.639 of like saying stuff and not waiting for you to 1:05:40.639 --> 1:05:40.959 ask me. 1:05:41.039 --> 1:05:41.959 But can I just say what I. 1:05:41.999 --> 1:05:45.719 Think I got from my last relationship that was like 1:05:45.799 --> 1:05:47.919 the next chapter and it ties to the jungle, right, 1:05:48.039 --> 1:05:53.119 is I think I relied on my ex to build 1:05:53.239 --> 1:05:57.039 up that love and kindness to me that I couldn't 1:05:57.039 --> 1:06:01.359 give myself potentially in an unsustainable way because I did not. 1:06:01.559 --> 1:06:03.519 I was not able to do that for myself. And 1:06:03.559 --> 1:06:06.359 I think that is the way that I sucked from 1:06:06.359 --> 1:06:08.519 my partner because he always was able to give that. 1:06:08.559 --> 1:06:12.479 But again, coming to the Jungle, having this growth, having 1:06:12.479 --> 1:06:15.119 that breakup, it's realizing, like I need to do that 1:06:15.159 --> 1:06:18.439 for myself, that you can't put that on someone else, 1:06:19.639 --> 1:06:21.119 do you know what I mean? Like, of course I 1:06:21.199 --> 1:06:24.279 plind of can do that, but it can't be supplementing 1:06:24.399 --> 1:06:26.999 you not able to do that. So that is to 1:06:27.039 --> 1:06:30.719 me what I think my next chapter is for love 1:06:30.759 --> 1:06:33.639 and relationships of how do I now operate where I'm 1:06:34.199 --> 1:06:37.199 now doing that for myself, of having that self love 1:06:37.239 --> 1:06:40.279 and having that self kindness more than it has ever 1:06:40.319 --> 1:06:42.039 been in my entire life. And what kind of partner 1:06:42.079 --> 1:06:45.439 am I going to go with? I'm I literally I'm 1:06:45.439 --> 1:06:45.799 not sure. 1:06:46.399 --> 1:06:46.799 We'll see. 1:06:47.799 --> 1:06:51.799 Well, Luke in the Jungle Tract and Luke, come on, 1:06:52.239 --> 1:06:56.439 he had something shocking for you, Baby. 1:06:56.239 --> 1:07:01.239 Didn't, Baby didn't, Babe, he did. 1:07:01.399 --> 1:07:04.719 I actually said to him on our podcast The House 1:07:04.759 --> 1:07:08.639 I Do with n Valvox. These two likes maya for 1:07:08.799 --> 1:07:11.079 vols in one like Conceetta's in the other, like you 1:07:11.119 --> 1:07:13.959 can only save one, and Valvo was going, stop it, 1:07:14.079 --> 1:07:18.639 stop it, you I can And you know what he said. 1:07:19.839 --> 1:07:23.479 I've heard he said me, I'd have to save my 1:07:23.599 --> 1:07:26.799 little check out and he even did that he pronounced 1:07:26.799 --> 1:07:28.199 your name properly. 1:07:29.519 --> 1:07:34.079 Romantic but not that. Yeah, I don't think it is. 1:07:34.159 --> 1:07:38.839 I honestly think uh he I mean, I understand, and 1:07:38.879 --> 1:07:40.759 it was the big thing, that one of the big 1:07:40.759 --> 1:07:41.639 things that came out of it. 1:07:42.839 --> 1:07:45.439 But I wonder if it's small like a friendship. 1:07:45.439 --> 1:07:47.879 He just felt we've bonded more as friends or we 1:07:47.999 --> 1:07:48.519 just were more. 1:07:49.879 --> 1:07:51.799 I don't know. There we go with the comparison. 1:07:51.839 --> 1:07:55.079 You don't see yourself as a lumberjack's wife living in 1:07:55.119 --> 1:07:58.479 western Queensland while he fills timber and reads books on 1:07:58.519 --> 1:07:58.919 his track. 1:07:58.999 --> 1:08:05.439 I mean I did think about it trad I probably would. God, 1:08:05.439 --> 1:08:11.679 there's worse, worse, worst way, sure, God, But no, I don't. 1:08:11.719 --> 1:08:14.879 I don't think that's my I don't. I somehow don't 1:08:14.879 --> 1:08:16.319 think that's my future. 1:08:18.039 --> 1:08:20.919 How you know, your you and your mom, and when 1:08:20.919 --> 1:08:25.239 your mom came into the jungle, which was very moving, 1:08:26.759 --> 1:08:32.279 the bond between you was extraordinary, forged in a fire, 1:08:32.679 --> 1:08:38.839 you know. But how is your dad about this? 1:08:39.199 --> 1:08:39.479 Now? 1:08:42.279 --> 1:08:47.119 I'm not really in contact with my dad very much. 1:08:47.279 --> 1:08:52.959 I might send a text here or there, so I 1:08:52.999 --> 1:08:53.479 don't know. 1:08:53.799 --> 1:08:58.239 But he would have seen you, yeah, and he would 1:08:58.279 --> 1:09:01.479 have heard these conversations and knew that your charity that 1:09:01.519 --> 1:09:03.759 you were supporting in the jungle for instance. 1:09:04.679 --> 1:09:06.279 Yeah. 1:09:06.599 --> 1:09:11.759 He he sent me a text saying congratulations on winning, 1:09:11.879 --> 1:09:15.279 but not about anything, not anything else. 1:09:15.279 --> 1:09:16.839 So I really don't. I haven't spoken to him. 1:09:16.839 --> 1:09:19.199 I don't know what he feels about it, and I 1:09:19.199 --> 1:09:23.479 assume it's very complicated and I definitely had and I 1:09:23.519 --> 1:09:26.679 know my mum does too. Of like that reality of 1:09:26.679 --> 1:09:28.679 it being out there and him seeing it like that's 1:09:28.719 --> 1:09:29.719 still something that I. 1:09:31.799 --> 1:09:35.559 Brings me anxiety and makes me feel. 1:09:36.959 --> 1:09:40.919 Still guilt about again, because it's that classic of like 1:09:41.039 --> 1:09:43.799 I was taught for safety, it's not speaking about it 1:09:43.799 --> 1:09:46.159 and not you know, I pushed through it and did 1:09:46.199 --> 1:09:49.879 it anyway, and I just tried to, you know, be 1:09:49.999 --> 1:09:53.399 like I'm entitled to speak about what's happened to me, 1:09:53.679 --> 1:09:57.359 and I'm doing it for good reasons. 1:09:58.039 --> 1:10:02.879 You were talking about your dad, and I think you've 1:10:02.919 --> 1:10:11.079 showed capacity for an enormous amount of understanding towards where 1:10:11.079 --> 1:10:18.919 his you know, abhorrent behaviors came from. When you left, 1:10:19.039 --> 1:10:22.199 you and your sister and your mom, that must have 1:10:22.279 --> 1:10:27.959 come as an enormous shock to him. 1:10:28.079 --> 1:10:30.519 In the intervening. 1:10:30.039 --> 1:10:34.239 Years, has he ever addressed the issues that led to 1:10:34.319 --> 1:10:37.439 you leaving with your mom or your sister or you. 1:10:39.759 --> 1:10:47.839 Has he acknowledged what role he played in you having 1:10:47.839 --> 1:10:51.279 to leave? Or has he apologized? Absolutely? 1:10:52.479 --> 1:11:02.079 Yeah, he like multiple times he said sorry, and he, 1:11:03.399 --> 1:11:05.279 you know, I guess was realizing it was getting out 1:11:05.319 --> 1:11:10.959 of hand. It is complicated his response. I also think 1:11:10.999 --> 1:11:15.599 there was he would also play the victim too, you know, 1:11:15.679 --> 1:11:20.079 it's not this easy, like, yeah, all one clear, I'm sorry. 1:11:20.119 --> 1:11:22.039 There was a lot. There was a lot. 1:11:22.079 --> 1:11:25.639 And also I think in abusive relationships is often a 1:11:25.679 --> 1:11:28.719 pattern where the abuse that is very contrite and very 1:11:28.759 --> 1:11:31.239 apologetic afterwards. 1:11:31.959 --> 1:11:35.719 So how do you know that? How do you know 1:11:35.759 --> 1:11:36.599 which is which? 1:11:36.759 --> 1:11:40.839 You know, which is a permanent state of self reflection 1:11:41.719 --> 1:11:46.679 and acknowledgment of fault, and which is just part of 1:11:46.679 --> 1:11:47.999 that pattern that cycle. 1:11:48.639 --> 1:11:51.559 Totally, And I think I've probably seen it all. 1:11:52.079 --> 1:11:55.599 We all have at different moments, and I think it's 1:11:55.639 --> 1:11:58.919 hit him in different waves of different things happening in 1:11:58.959 --> 1:12:03.359 our lives and him, I mean, I know it's something 1:12:03.399 --> 1:12:08.439 that he feels. Yeah, I know he feels remorse for it. 1:12:08.479 --> 1:12:11.759 I also don't know if he understands it. I remember 1:12:11.759 --> 1:12:13.839 early wanting him to go to therapy and I don't 1:12:13.919 --> 1:12:18.599 know if he has or if he's done that to 1:12:18.639 --> 1:12:21.439 sort of understand deeper. But I gave up on waiting 1:12:21.479 --> 1:12:26.839 for that and just working on my healing because you 1:12:26.919 --> 1:12:32.639 can't wait for someone, you know. But I know, Yeah, again, 1:12:32.759 --> 1:12:36.439 like I said, there's no one easy answer. It's but 1:12:36.519 --> 1:12:40.279 it's cost him everything, Yeah, and I think he knows that. 1:12:40.319 --> 1:12:50.559 And it's cost you your dad, yeah, mm hmm, totally, it. 1:12:50.479 --> 1:12:57.399 Has Yeah, and that's and that's hard. 1:12:57.719 --> 1:13:04.359 Of course, But I don't excuse what he's done, and. 1:13:06.479 --> 1:13:11.799 But I just yeah, it's just it's just a sad. 1:13:11.599 --> 1:13:15.999 But I think about this, I'm like, family's complicated. Family 1:13:16.119 --> 1:13:19.399 is complicated, Relationships are complicated, and it's holding space for 1:13:19.519 --> 1:13:24.199 all the millions of colors in between for however you feel. 1:13:24.319 --> 1:13:29.679 So he's someone who I will always love because he's 1:13:29.719 --> 1:13:32.439 my dad and he's someone who makes me incredibly sad 1:13:32.639 --> 1:13:35.599 and brought me a lot of pain and the people 1:13:35.639 --> 1:13:39.879 around me inexcusable things. And he's also in my blood. 1:13:40.039 --> 1:13:42.759 I look like him. There's I have manner. Isn't like 1:13:42.759 --> 1:13:45.839 like there's just it's just this very. 1:13:47.639 --> 1:13:52.519 Yeah, it's yeah, it's it's big ship, you know. 1:13:54.439 --> 1:13:58.079 And does the truth set you free? 1:13:59.519 --> 1:14:02.719 The truth absolutely sets me free. And I think what 1:14:02.919 --> 1:14:06.399 the most amazing thing of this journey has been is 1:14:08.559 --> 1:14:14.599 the messages I've gotten Kate, of how people have felt like, Hope, 1:14:16.359 --> 1:14:17.559 I can't tell you what that's like. 1:14:17.679 --> 1:14:24.079 That's that's crazy, that's been, that's what. 1:14:24.799 --> 1:14:27.879 That's really it of being like, oh damn, that's why 1:14:27.919 --> 1:14:30.839 you do it. I can't know, I can't see it, 1:14:31.719 --> 1:14:34.719 but I did it because it's just in a way 1:14:34.759 --> 1:14:36.999 of helping people, making people not feel alone. 1:14:37.039 --> 1:14:41.319 Or that's the thing that soothes all that other stuff. 1:14:43.239 --> 1:14:43.999 And also the. 1:14:45.959 --> 1:14:48.799 You know what Winston Churchill said, if you ever find 1:14:48.839 --> 1:14:55.279 yourself going through hell, keep going, but you couldn't stop 1:14:55.319 --> 1:15:01.599 where you were, and for people to see that, to 1:15:01.719 --> 1:15:06.999 see that a life of joy and you know, wearing 1:15:07.039 --> 1:15:15.439 a tiara is possible is an extraordinary thing to witness 1:15:15.479 --> 1:15:18.759 when you're in your own kind of hell. And you 1:15:18.799 --> 1:15:22.479 don't see that on television very often because it's very sanitized. 1:15:24.719 --> 1:15:27.799 That's yeah, that's a good a good point, if I 1:15:27.839 --> 1:15:31.039 can say. I at the end of it, and after winning, 1:15:31.599 --> 1:15:35.199 I texted my my therapist, my first therapist, and I said, 1:15:36.999 --> 1:15:38.719 I don't know if you'd know, but there's the show 1:15:38.799 --> 1:15:40.679 and I want it. And it was off the back of. 1:15:40.679 --> 1:15:46.439 Being being myself and telling my story with my mum, 1:15:46.559 --> 1:15:51.679 my sister, and I said, I wouldn't be where I 1:15:51.719 --> 1:15:53.999 am if it wasn't for the work that we did 1:15:54.639 --> 1:15:58.679 and the lessons that you taught me and the belief 1:15:58.719 --> 1:16:00.439 that she had, because I would never forget she would. 1:16:00.479 --> 1:16:02.639 I'd be making her laugh talking about and she's just like, God, 1:16:02.679 --> 1:16:04.399 get chat to your Seinfeld. You have this way of 1:16:04.439 --> 1:16:08.919 being really observational and seeing things around you, and she's like, 1:16:08.999 --> 1:16:11.399 you're you have this power where you're going to share 1:16:12.799 --> 1:16:14.919 your story and do it in your way and you're. 1:16:14.759 --> 1:16:17.879 Gonna help people. And I just had to thank her. 1:16:17.919 --> 1:16:19.559 It's like, I can't not be thinking of you at 1:16:19.559 --> 1:16:22.879 this time. I want you to know I'm eternally grateful. 1:16:23.319 --> 1:16:24.399 And the message that she. 1:16:26.239 --> 1:16:28.959 Sent me back, it's just sort of what you're saying. Okay, 1:16:29.079 --> 1:16:31.279 I've just being like, she's like you, I was only 1:16:31.319 --> 1:16:33.319 ever mirroring what you were doing, the hard and messy 1:16:33.359 --> 1:16:37.039 work to fight to not let it define you and to. 1:16:38.839 --> 1:16:42.639 You know, to show that you can have hope and 1:16:42.679 --> 1:16:43.199 be hope. 1:16:43.199 --> 1:16:45.879 And that's something that's like, I would say, one of 1:16:45.919 --> 1:16:48.799 the biggest I don't know, do you know what? 1:16:48.799 --> 1:16:49.399 Any Like, that's a. 1:16:49.319 --> 1:16:52.199 Moment I'm going to have with me for forever and 1:16:52.239 --> 1:16:54.759 it feels shared, you know, and so that makes me 1:16:56.199 --> 1:16:57.199 it's never in isolation. 1:16:57.639 --> 1:16:59.479 It couldn't be, do. 1:16:59.439 --> 1:17:01.919 You know what. And and even though you have been 1:17:02.199 --> 1:17:08.759 you know, blessed the gift of external beauty. 1:17:09.719 --> 1:17:11.119 Nothing makes someone. 1:17:10.839 --> 1:17:17.639 As beautiful as bravery, I think, and you are exquisite. 1:17:17.919 --> 1:17:18.479 Thank you. 1:17:18.639 --> 1:17:19.599 That's so beautiful. 1:17:19.599 --> 1:17:23.719 Okay, thank you so much, and you know what, Australia 1:17:23.839 --> 1:17:25.239 also decided to work. 1:17:25.959 --> 1:17:28.439 You don't have to take my no word for it. 1:17:30.399 --> 1:17:35.519 Your word means a lot. Thank you, Kate, Conctta Cristo. 1:17:36.599 --> 1:17:38.959 Thank you for joining us on No Filter, and thank 1:17:38.999 --> 1:17:41.079 you for showing yourself. 1:17:43.839 --> 1:17:47.439 Thank you for this beautiful interview, for your incredible questions. 1:17:47.519 --> 1:17:49.479 It's truly and I want to speak to you. Thank you. 1:17:54.079 --> 1:17:59.519 Listening to Concertta speak about her childhood, It's impossible not 1:17:59.639 --> 1:18:02.799 to think about the courage it takes for families to 1:18:02.879 --> 1:18:06.479 leave situations like that, and the people and services who 1:18:06.559 --> 1:18:11.279 make those escapes possible. If this conversation has raised anything 1:18:11.319 --> 1:18:13.959 for you, please see our show notes for where you 1:18:13.999 --> 1:18:17.839 can find support. You can listen to Conchetta a Ray 1:18:17.879 --> 1:18:22.319 of Sunshine on Triple Jay Breakfast. Thanks for listening to 1:18:22.319 --> 1:18:25.959 No Filter. The executive producer of No Filter is bre Player. 1:18:26.319 --> 1:18:30.399 The assistant producer is Coco Levine. Audio production by Jacob 1:18:30.439 --> 1:18:34.119 Brown and video editing by Josh Green. This episode of 1:18:34.159 --> 1:18:37.319 No Filter was recorded at Session in Progress Studios. 1:18:37.919 --> 1:18:41.759 I'm Kate Langbrook and I will see you next Monday. 1:18:41.919 --> 1:18:42.479 It's a date. 1:18:45.999 --> 1:18:48.879 Mumma Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and 1:18:48.959 --> 1:18:51.159 waters that this podcast is recorded on.