1 00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:14,040 Speaker 1: You're listening to a Muma Mia podcast. 2 00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:17,720 Speaker 2: Mama Me, I acknowledges the traditional owners of the land 3 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:20,320 Speaker 2: and waters that this podcast is recorded on. 4 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:23,240 Speaker 1: It's almost like I needed to shake off that energy. 5 00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:27,480 Speaker 1: I needed that year of just feeling my emotions, feeling 6 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:31,359 Speaker 1: the anger of the frustration, and rebuilding because I was confident, 7 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:34,479 Speaker 1: you know, and so it really helped her rebuild myself. 8 00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:38,680 Speaker 1: But then I thought, never again. I will rebuild my 9 00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:40,640 Speaker 1: life to the point where I love it, to the 10 00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:43,479 Speaker 1: point that if I never meet someone again, I genuinely 11 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:45,560 Speaker 1: know I'll be happy because I've created. 12 00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:52,160 Speaker 2: This Hello and welcome to But are you Happy with Me? 13 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:56,280 Speaker 2: Claire Stevens. Our third season of the show ended a 14 00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:59,120 Speaker 2: few weeks ago, and I'm excited to tell you that 15 00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:02,560 Speaker 2: season four launches on the twelfth of September on Are 16 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:06,319 Speaker 2: You OK? Day with an absolute dream guest of mine. 17 00:01:06,959 --> 00:01:09,000 Speaker 2: But I didn't want to wait that long to bring 18 00:01:09,039 --> 00:01:13,800 Speaker 2: you a new conface, So I've got something very special today, 19 00:01:14,559 --> 00:01:19,600 Speaker 2: a mid season episode with Alexis Fernandez Preakser, author and 20 00:01:19,679 --> 00:01:25,319 Speaker 2: host of the podcast Do You Fucking Mind? Alexis describes 21 00:01:25,559 --> 00:01:29,999 Speaker 2: her work as combining neuroscience, psychology, and tough love, and 22 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,920 Speaker 2: that's exactly what she does. If you've ever listened to 23 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:37,520 Speaker 2: her show or read her books, she gives mindset hacks 24 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:41,479 Speaker 2: and dissects friendship and boundaries and resentment and stress and 25 00:01:41,559 --> 00:01:46,440 Speaker 2: rumination and willpower and all those components that go into 26 00:01:46,479 --> 00:01:50,320 Speaker 2: building a happy life. It was because of that blend 27 00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:54,600 Speaker 2: of science and warmth and common sense that I really 28 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:58,160 Speaker 2: wanted to speak to Alexis about happiness. I wanted to 29 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:02,279 Speaker 2: know her story, the person behind the helpful and informed advice, 30 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:06,680 Speaker 2: and I wanted her expertise. She talked to me about 31 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:11,520 Speaker 2: moving through heartbreak, reframing regret, make king friends as an adult, 32 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:17,680 Speaker 2: identifying and navigating narcissists, and the way optimism and pessimism 33 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:21,520 Speaker 2: entirely changed the way a person walks through the world. 34 00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:25,320 Speaker 2: I got so much out of this conversation with Alexis, 35 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:30,120 Speaker 2: and I know you will too. Here's Alexis Fernandez preaks up. 36 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:34,400 Speaker 2: I want to start by asking, did you grow up 37 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:35,520 Speaker 2: in a happy family? 38 00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:39,760 Speaker 1: Yes, yes I did. I grew up in and not 39 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:42,600 Speaker 1: even just my immediate family. I was really really lucky 40 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:46,680 Speaker 1: to have my cousins two blocks down. We were all 41 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:50,360 Speaker 1: so tight. Every single afternoon we were the four girls 42 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:52,240 Speaker 1: were either at our place or we were at my 43 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:55,680 Speaker 1: auntie and uncle's place, and so it was just such 44 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:58,680 Speaker 1: a tight The nine of us were so tight, so close. 45 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:03,400 Speaker 1: I had a really great, loving upbringing with this really 46 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:06,880 Speaker 1: tight family. So I was very, very, very very lucky 47 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:09,200 Speaker 1: in that sense, and to this day, like my cousins are, 48 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:09,840 Speaker 1: like my sisters. 49 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:13,920 Speaker 2: Do you think, looking back at your childhood, there was 50 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:18,160 Speaker 2: anything that was a challenge to happiness, like anything internal 51 00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:22,320 Speaker 2: or external, or do you think generally you had a happy, 52 00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:23,400 Speaker 2: positive disposition. 53 00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:26,040 Speaker 1: I mean generally I had a happy, positive disposition, but 54 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,440 Speaker 1: I really struggled to make friends when I was little. 55 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:32,440 Speaker 1: I was very introverted as a kid, and one thing 56 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,680 Speaker 1: that I think maybe was a challenge, which in hindsight 57 00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:38,680 Speaker 1: I look as a blessing. But my parents are immigrants, 58 00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:41,640 Speaker 1: so my first language was Spanish, and I spoke Spanish 59 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:44,200 Speaker 1: as my first That was my mother tongue. Now English 60 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:46,880 Speaker 1: is more dominant because it's you know, but that was 61 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:50,720 Speaker 1: what we spoke at home, and so I learned English through, 62 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:52,840 Speaker 1: of course the TV being on and north that, so 63 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:54,840 Speaker 1: you know, kids pick it up in four to six weeks, 64 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:57,600 Speaker 1: but I really only started speaking English when I started 65 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:02,400 Speaker 1: school and I was very like, I was really really 66 00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:06,280 Speaker 1: outgoing with my family. I was just so bold and 67 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:08,640 Speaker 1: I was always doing acting and you know, but when 68 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:11,600 Speaker 1: it came to school, especially in I was very I 69 00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:13,640 Speaker 1: had one friend. It took me a while to even 70 00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:15,920 Speaker 1: get that one friend. Then too, and then and then 71 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:18,680 Speaker 1: when we moved to Queensland, that was like another blow 72 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:22,640 Speaker 1: to that social side of me. But that almost was 73 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:25,120 Speaker 1: what I needed because it really forced me. It was 74 00:04:25,159 --> 00:04:27,200 Speaker 1: like sink or swim. Now, it's like you've always struggled 75 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:29,160 Speaker 1: to make friends, Now you got to. So the first 76 00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:31,320 Speaker 1: year was hard again I just had one friend. 77 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:31,560 Speaker 2: Again. 78 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:34,240 Speaker 1: I was repeating that same pattern of just But then 79 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,920 Speaker 1: in high school, I think that's where it really started 80 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:38,560 Speaker 1: to turn around, because you start to meet all these 81 00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:40,520 Speaker 1: different people that come from different schools. When you get 82 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:43,719 Speaker 1: into high school, I started doing more acting, dancing, I 83 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:47,120 Speaker 1: was really putting myself out there and that really started 84 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,400 Speaker 1: to turn around for me. But yeah, I always struggled 85 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:52,160 Speaker 1: in that making friends as a kid. 86 00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:54,760 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's so that's probably surprising to people who listened 87 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:58,120 Speaker 2: to your podcast and who kind of know you was 88 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:01,880 Speaker 2: quite extroverted and bubbling and giving really good advice on 89 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:06,120 Speaker 2: a friendship. You are a podcast host and a best 90 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:08,520 Speaker 2: selling author and a personal trainer, and you have a 91 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:09,760 Speaker 2: master's a neuroscience. 92 00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:11,200 Speaker 1: You're also a. 93 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:15,159 Speaker 2: Mindset coach and you have a new audiobook coming out 94 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:19,160 Speaker 2: called How to Chase Change Thirty Days to Master Your Mindset. 95 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:23,159 Speaker 2: What is a mindset coach and are there some bad ones? 96 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:26,520 Speaker 1: I think there's definitely bad mindset coaches. I mean, I 97 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:28,800 Speaker 1: can't think of any specific ones. I actually don't know 98 00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:31,400 Speaker 1: that many personally. But you've got to look at your 99 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:35,560 Speaker 1: brain and your mind as very, very heavily intertwined. They're different, 100 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,359 Speaker 1: but they're very heavily LinkedIn you can't have one without 101 00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:40,520 Speaker 1: the other. So I look at the brain as being 102 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:44,120 Speaker 1: it's the hardware of the computer, and the mind is 103 00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:48,799 Speaker 1: the software of the computer. So with mindset, the beauty 104 00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:52,160 Speaker 1: about the brain is that your thoughts can actually change 105 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:54,720 Speaker 1: how your brain is structured, how your brain is wired. 106 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:58,840 Speaker 1: Through behavior, you can change how dense your brain is 107 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,039 Speaker 1: as far as how much mass there is in your brain. 108 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:04,279 Speaker 1: You can actually stave off atrophy in the brain through 109 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:08,279 Speaker 1: actual exercises and also thoughts, and if you're learning more, 110 00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:10,400 Speaker 1: if you're someone that's always trying new things, like I'm 111 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:11,680 Speaker 1: going to try the guitar, I'm going to try the 112 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:14,600 Speaker 1: Rubik's cube. I'm going to try You're actually growing your 113 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:17,400 Speaker 1: brain doing these things, which then staves off de generation. 114 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,880 Speaker 1: So you look at I can actually use my mind 115 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:24,760 Speaker 1: and my thoughts to steer my brain with the hardware 116 00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:27,280 Speaker 1: in the direction that I want it to. And our 117 00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:31,320 Speaker 1: brain is always, always, always evolving. We hear terms like neuroplasticity, 118 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:34,240 Speaker 1: But neuroplasticity I think we look at it as all good, 119 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,720 Speaker 1: but it's good or bad. You know, you can plastically 120 00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:40,920 Speaker 1: change your brain into the negative by you know, if 121 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:44,000 Speaker 1: you have chronic stress, you're causing neuroplastic changes that are 122 00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:46,600 Speaker 1: not helpful. But then you can do something called self 123 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:50,360 Speaker 1: directed neuroplasticity. And that's where mindset coach comes in because 124 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:54,120 Speaker 1: that is where you are directing your thoughts to actually 125 00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:56,960 Speaker 1: change how your brain is wired. So I think that 126 00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:59,680 Speaker 1: if you can understand the scientific basis of how the 127 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:03,320 Speaker 1: brain is wired and which areas of the brain communicate 128 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:06,200 Speaker 1: when you're thinking certain things or doing certain things, I 129 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:07,840 Speaker 1: think that's what makes a good mindset coach. 130 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:13,080 Speaker 2: And where do you think think manifestation sits within that. 131 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:17,040 Speaker 1: So I'm really big on manifestation, and I think that 132 00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:20,040 Speaker 1: there's a lot of science to help back that. I 133 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:22,560 Speaker 1: think that you know when you hear the term, what 134 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:27,880 Speaker 1: you focus on expands in a more neuroscientific level. That 135 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:31,600 Speaker 1: is so true. I don't think we realize how biased 136 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:34,920 Speaker 1: our brains are. We are very selective with what we 137 00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:38,760 Speaker 1: allow into our awareness subconsciously, so we think that we're 138 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:40,720 Speaker 1: not We think that we can look at something and 139 00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:43,960 Speaker 1: not be biased, but we are so biased. So if 140 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:47,880 Speaker 1: you're somebody that is innately pessimistic, people are not friendly 141 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:52,800 Speaker 1: to you. Because you notice the unfriendly people, doors are 142 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:55,360 Speaker 1: not opening for you. Things are really difficult. It's me 143 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:57,760 Speaker 1: against the world. It's a fight. I'm fighting and fighting 144 00:07:57,760 --> 00:08:00,840 Speaker 1: and fighting. It's a slog. It's a struggle. Don't trust anyone. 145 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:04,520 Speaker 1: And then because these are your ingrained beliefs, they are 146 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,920 Speaker 1: confirmed left, right and center, and you seek it out 147 00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,720 Speaker 1: even if you don't want to. You do someone who's 148 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,680 Speaker 1: optimistic because says, oh my god, people are so friendly. 149 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:14,320 Speaker 1: Not that person just smiled at me. Oh oh, And 150 00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:16,440 Speaker 1: then everyone's smiling at you. But you probably don't realize 151 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:19,160 Speaker 1: that your energy is a lot open. You're probably a 152 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:21,560 Speaker 1: lot warmer to people because of that. Then more people 153 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:24,640 Speaker 1: start smiling at you, then people introduce you to other people. 154 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:29,320 Speaker 1: It's because you are seeking. You see open doors everywhere. 155 00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:32,559 Speaker 1: Two people could have the exact same day. An optimistic 156 00:08:32,559 --> 00:08:35,120 Speaker 1: person is walking through all these doors. They're seeing the openings, 157 00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:38,240 Speaker 1: they're seeing the opportunities, and the pessimistic person is saying, 158 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:40,040 Speaker 1: that was such a horrible day. Everyone was glaring at me. 159 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:43,240 Speaker 1: I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. And that 160 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:47,400 Speaker 1: just is just a glimpse of this idea of manifestation, 161 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:51,439 Speaker 1: this attraction and this like attracts like, and we are 162 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:54,520 Speaker 1: biased to look for what we've trained our brain to 163 00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:57,800 Speaker 1: look for, whether we meant it or not. So I 164 00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,760 Speaker 1: think it's not about blaming yourself saying I've cause this, 165 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:03,240 Speaker 1: but it's about just being aware of where am I 166 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:05,760 Speaker 1: at right now in the scale of do I attract 167 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,240 Speaker 1: or am I someone that's constantly repelling? And I feel 168 00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:09,439 Speaker 1: like it's just an uphill battle. 169 00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:14,880 Speaker 2: Can be quite cynical and quite anti anything woo woo, 170 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:16,960 Speaker 2: And obviously you're not woo woo. You have a bad 171 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:20,120 Speaker 2: around in science, And so sometimes when I hear the 172 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:24,520 Speaker 2: manifestation stuff, my war goes up and I'm like, no, no, no. 173 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:29,160 Speaker 2: But I remember a few years ago I wrote kind 174 00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:30,640 Speaker 2: of a note to myself being like, this is what 175 00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:32,680 Speaker 2: I want to do in the next few years. I 176 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:34,440 Speaker 2: wrote it down on a piece of paper. I forgot 177 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:37,800 Speaker 2: about it. I went and found it recently, and it's spooky. 178 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:41,040 Speaker 2: It's really freaky that the things that you write down 179 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:46,000 Speaker 2: you don't even know. Unconsciously you are working towards them, 180 00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:48,480 Speaker 2: and you've put something out there and just kind of 181 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:51,400 Speaker 2: articulated what it is you want and you don't realize 182 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:54,240 Speaker 2: that just by almost putting it into the universe, I 183 00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:58,120 Speaker 2: sound so woo woo, but it kind of ends up happening. 184 00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,680 Speaker 2: Do you have an example of manifestation in your own life? 185 00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:03,720 Speaker 1: Massively massively? Well, this is a funny one. So my 186 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:06,680 Speaker 1: partner I definitely manifested him and it was really interesting 187 00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:08,720 Speaker 1: because it's the same thing. So I went through this. 188 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,800 Speaker 1: I was probably single for three years before I met Tyrone, 189 00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:15,160 Speaker 1: and I was for the first year and a half 190 00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:19,520 Speaker 1: scorned single woman, hated relationships. I was bitter, bitter, bitter, 191 00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:22,240 Speaker 1: I've just been burnt. But then after that I started 192 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:23,760 Speaker 1: to soften. I did a lot of healing, and I 193 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:25,960 Speaker 1: got myself to a really happy place to the extent 194 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,320 Speaker 1: that I was genuinely open to welcoming love into my life. 195 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:31,400 Speaker 1: I was in a good place, didn't need it, but 196 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,560 Speaker 1: I thought that it would be nice. But I was 197 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,880 Speaker 1: still in that phase of like, but I'm really enjoying 198 00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:38,240 Speaker 1: being single, so I'm open, but maybe in a little bit, 199 00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:40,760 Speaker 1: it's fine. And my best friend, she said, I think 200 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:42,600 Speaker 1: she read or listened to a podcast where they say 201 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:44,840 Speaker 1: you need to write a list and get really specific 202 00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:46,600 Speaker 1: of what that partner has to look like. So we 203 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:48,160 Speaker 1: sat down at a cafe and she's like, I'm gonna 204 00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:49,720 Speaker 1: write my listener and I thought, okay, I'll just do 205 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,959 Speaker 1: it for fun. So we had our laptops out and 206 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,400 Speaker 1: I just typed out this list, and I didn't think 207 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:56,520 Speaker 1: much of it. Very recently, I was going through my 208 00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:58,240 Speaker 1: hard drive and I was like, oh my god, I 209 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,320 Speaker 1: found this list. I wonder how close it is to 210 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:03,040 Speaker 1: Tyrone and I'm talking I had about twenty things on 211 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:06,120 Speaker 1: this list. I got so specific and I never revisited 212 00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:08,960 Speaker 1: that list ever again. It was the one time every 213 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,840 Speaker 1: single thing on that lie except one thing. 214 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:13,959 Speaker 2: He ticks and what sort of things were they? 215 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:16,680 Speaker 1: So they were things like, I want somebody who I'm 216 00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:19,280 Speaker 1: really close with his family. I want him to adore 217 00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,400 Speaker 1: my family. I want him to be able to hang 218 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,480 Speaker 1: out with my friends when I'm not there. I want 219 00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:27,320 Speaker 1: him to celebrate my wins as hard as I celebrate his. 220 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:32,320 Speaker 1: I want humor. I want a secure man, like secure 221 00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:35,160 Speaker 1: a man. And I specifically wrote I want to travel 222 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,400 Speaker 1: with or without him and it never be an issue. 223 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:39,840 Speaker 1: And I've gone to Europe twice without him. And there 224 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,600 Speaker 1: was all these really specific things that I had learned 225 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:46,200 Speaker 1: through realizing what I didn't want another relationships. It was 226 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:50,080 Speaker 1: really controlling or insecure relationships. So I just it was 227 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:53,200 Speaker 1: all based around a feeling. And then I said, I want, 228 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:55,920 Speaker 1: you know, dark features, because I always lashed like the 229 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,400 Speaker 1: brown eye, brown hair, you know. And so I spoke 230 00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:03,360 Speaker 1: about physically, and I spoke about mainly personality and emotional 231 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:06,480 Speaker 1: and what we would have together. And the only thing 232 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:08,880 Speaker 1: that he didn't take off on that list was one 233 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:12,000 Speaker 1: that actually is so insane magnificant is must be older 234 00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:13,959 Speaker 1: than me, and he's younger. And now I look back, 235 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,640 Speaker 1: I'm like, well, that's probably why the universe of whatever. 236 00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:20,640 Speaker 1: Didn't factor that it's important because it's actually so insignificant 237 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:24,320 Speaker 1: because emotional intelligence is what matters obviously. And yeah, so 238 00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:26,640 Speaker 1: there's a prime example of one. 239 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:30,240 Speaker 2: You mentioned traveling on your own. Is that something that's 240 00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:33,200 Speaker 2: been important to you and what have you learnt from 241 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:34,199 Speaker 2: those travels? 242 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:37,920 Speaker 1: Oh, it's a lot, a lot, a lot, and it's 243 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,640 Speaker 1: taught me so much. One big trip that I did, 244 00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:42,520 Speaker 1: I actually, on a whim bought a one way ticket 245 00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:44,360 Speaker 1: to Paris. This is not the time that I was 246 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:46,800 Speaker 1: actually really sad is I had time in between. And 247 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:49,120 Speaker 1: this is advice from my mum. Actually, one day I'd 248 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:51,480 Speaker 1: gone through a breakup with an actual nice person and 249 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:53,760 Speaker 1: I was devastated and he was just the loveliest guy 250 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:55,559 Speaker 1: and he ended it just like I just don't love 251 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,920 Speaker 1: you anymore. And I just could not couldn't fathom it. 252 00:12:58,200 --> 00:12:59,760 Speaker 1: So I said to my mom, I'm good, I'm going 253 00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:02,280 Speaker 1: to Europe. She's like, a, let's just listen. I'm all 254 00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:04,960 Speaker 1: for you traveling. But if you buy a ticket and 255 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,319 Speaker 1: go right now, in the depths of your heartbreak, you're 256 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:08,920 Speaker 1: going to be sitting in a hotel room on the 257 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:11,080 Speaker 1: other side of the world. Alone and sad, and I 258 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:12,480 Speaker 1: was like, oh my god, I don't want that. So 259 00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:15,400 Speaker 1: then I waited, and about a year later I did 260 00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:17,600 Speaker 1: it because I was still heartbroken, but I could manage 261 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:19,520 Speaker 1: my emotions and I bought this one way ticket and 262 00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:21,400 Speaker 1: I went and it was the best thing I ever did, 263 00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:24,800 Speaker 1: by far for myself, because I threw myself in the 264 00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:27,320 Speaker 1: deep end. I started teaching politis in Paris. I was 265 00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:29,880 Speaker 1: I It forced me. I had to find I made 266 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:33,560 Speaker 1: French friends, not Australian It's like French people. I was like, 267 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:37,520 Speaker 1: this is unreal. It really forced me to create something 268 00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:41,160 Speaker 1: for myself from scratch. And when you can do that, 269 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:43,200 Speaker 1: and it doesn't have to be on the other side 270 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,320 Speaker 1: of the world, but if you can, I highly encourage 271 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,560 Speaker 1: you because it was amazing. But that trip to me, 272 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:51,360 Speaker 1: that time that I spent in France working and socializing, 273 00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:53,840 Speaker 1: I carry that in my heart all the time. It 274 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:55,880 Speaker 1: is such a big part of who I am now. 275 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:58,920 Speaker 1: It taught me so much and there were challenges. I 276 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,320 Speaker 1: cried when I was there, but overall, it was the 277 00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:03,120 Speaker 1: best thing I've ever done. And I think people think 278 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,480 Speaker 1: it's going to be all, you know, sunshine and rainbows 279 00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:10,040 Speaker 1: and it's not. It's challenging, but overcoming the challenges is 280 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:12,959 Speaker 1: the reward. That's what's really cool. When you get there 281 00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:14,440 Speaker 1: and then you get your first client, then you get 282 00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:15,800 Speaker 1: ten clients, and then you're like, oh my god, I 283 00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:17,880 Speaker 1: can actually make a living now. And then you know, 284 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:20,560 Speaker 1: you find your first friend and then they invite you out. 285 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,560 Speaker 1: So it's all these little wins along the way, and 286 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,920 Speaker 1: you think I did that. I did all of that 287 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:28,320 Speaker 1: on my own accord, you know, off my own back. 288 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:31,920 Speaker 1: So that teaches you so much about how much you 289 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:36,200 Speaker 1: can rely on yourself. I think traveling, doing things alone especially, 290 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:39,000 Speaker 1: it teaches you that you can rely on yourself, which 291 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:42,360 Speaker 1: then makes you more equipped to jump into the deep 292 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:45,280 Speaker 1: end more often in your life, because I think life 293 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:48,200 Speaker 1: should always be about it's not about everything has to 294 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,800 Speaker 1: go well for me. I don't look at relationships now 295 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,440 Speaker 1: as like this will never, like this is forever. This 296 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,880 Speaker 1: is forever, even with Tyrone, who I adore, were engaged 297 00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:58,040 Speaker 1: with getting married, like I love him. I don't look 298 00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:01,560 Speaker 1: at this relationship as I will die if it ends. 299 00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:04,600 Speaker 1: I hope it doesn't end, be really sad if it did. 300 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,760 Speaker 1: But I also have taught myself that I can bounce 301 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:11,240 Speaker 1: back that if the worst case scenario happens, I will 302 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:14,760 Speaker 1: be okay. You want to teach yourself that if bad 303 00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:17,360 Speaker 1: things happen, you can bounce back. Not I've got to 304 00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:20,040 Speaker 1: sell myself up so nothing bad happens, because if you 305 00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:22,160 Speaker 1: set yourself up in that way, I can't go and 306 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:23,920 Speaker 1: do that thing alone. What if I fail? What if 307 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,040 Speaker 1: I don't get the job. I'm not going to go 308 00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:26,560 Speaker 1: for that promotion. I'm not going to quit my job 309 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:29,280 Speaker 1: and travel. I'm not not not because if it doesn't fail, 310 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,200 Speaker 1: screw that. Instead think I'm going to do this, but 311 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:35,120 Speaker 1: I'm going to be so well equipped emotionally that if 312 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:37,560 Speaker 1: it doesn't work out, I'm going to be okay. I'll 313 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,440 Speaker 1: be okay. It will suck initially, yeah, but I will 314 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:41,520 Speaker 1: climb back up. 315 00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:44,200 Speaker 2: And I've been through hard things before exactly, and I've 316 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:44,680 Speaker 2: been okay. 317 00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:46,840 Speaker 1: And that's what the traveling taught me. That's what a 318 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:50,120 Speaker 1: lot of things taught me. It teaches you your own resilience. 319 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:53,480 Speaker 1: When you're aware of your own resilience, you're so much 320 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,200 Speaker 1: more likely to do harder things. 321 00:15:56,840 --> 00:16:01,400 Speaker 2: When you've been working really hard and you're kind of 322 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:07,880 Speaker 2: stuck in that productivity cycle, and then you travel. What 323 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:11,240 Speaker 2: do you find that travel does to your I. 324 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:13,760 Speaker 1: Think it's actually really good to do that, because, especially 325 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:16,080 Speaker 1: if you're doing things throughout the day, it's very different. 326 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:17,800 Speaker 1: I think if you're going on a trip where all 327 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:20,240 Speaker 1: you do is relax, like you might be going somewhere 328 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:22,480 Speaker 1: tropical and you're relaxing, you might be going round and 329 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:23,960 Speaker 1: around and around, being like I need to do something. 330 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:26,320 Speaker 1: I'm not productive. But if you're traveling in the sense 331 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:29,280 Speaker 1: where you're actively doing things every day, you're meeting people 332 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:31,680 Speaker 1: or whatever, I think it's it's one of the best 333 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,600 Speaker 1: resets you can do because it actually shifts your focus. 334 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:37,760 Speaker 1: And like I was speaking of before, what you focus 335 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:43,360 Speaker 1: on expands sometimes work and being busy, this idea of hustling, 336 00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:46,640 Speaker 1: it takes up all your awareness and it's like a 337 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,520 Speaker 1: huge chunk of your awareness. And then you got to sleep. 338 00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:50,560 Speaker 1: Then you wake up and that's true, and so then 339 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:53,040 Speaker 1: this idea, I think traveling really helps you kind of 340 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:56,280 Speaker 1: zoom out and you're able to be like, there's so 341 00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:59,440 Speaker 1: much more to life, so much more to life, and 342 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:00,960 Speaker 1: this is not the be all, end all, And if 343 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:03,040 Speaker 1: this doesn't work out for me, I'm actually still me. 344 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:06,999 Speaker 1: I'm actually still a complete human being, and we lose 345 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:10,919 Speaker 1: touch of that so often when we're sombit in something. 346 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,040 Speaker 1: The same goes for heartbreak, the same goes for anything 347 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:16,240 Speaker 1: where you're so immersed in it you can't pull yourself out. 348 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:17,760 Speaker 1: The moment you have the opportunity to look at it 349 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,679 Speaker 1: from a different angle, you think, Wow, I'm acting like 350 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:23,199 Speaker 1: this is my whole life, but it's not. It's not. 351 00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:26,760 Speaker 1: There's so much to enjoy, to be here for, to 352 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:29,000 Speaker 1: live for, and here I am acting like this is it. 353 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:31,639 Speaker 1: So I think if you're someone who's so embedded in 354 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:35,240 Speaker 1: your work, honestly find a way to, you know, snap 355 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:36,719 Speaker 1: out of it for a bit, or take yourself out 356 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:37,800 Speaker 1: of that zone. 357 00:17:38,359 --> 00:17:42,760 Speaker 2: I think I have always found that the older you get, 358 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:46,919 Speaker 2: the faster time goes, because proportionally a week is a 359 00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:50,480 Speaker 2: shorter period of time when you're older. Yeah, and so 360 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:54,200 Speaker 2: I have felt that time is in fast forward, And 361 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:57,280 Speaker 2: I think that happens when you're working really hard, even 362 00:17:57,600 --> 00:18:01,520 Speaker 2: just in terms of your brain. When we're doing the 363 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,960 Speaker 2: same thing over and over again, time does speed up, 364 00:18:04,359 --> 00:18:08,040 Speaker 2: whereas when you're overseas or you're in a new environment, 365 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,560 Speaker 2: it slows down, because if exactly what you say about 366 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:13,600 Speaker 2: awareness that if you're in a new city, a day 367 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:17,240 Speaker 2: in a different city feels like a month in your routine. Yes, 368 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:21,200 Speaker 2: and I just find it's such a reset when you 369 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:25,359 Speaker 2: come back. Do you find that in terms of creativity energy, 370 00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:27,159 Speaker 2: that you're really recharged? 371 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:30,240 Speaker 1: Definitely? Definitely, And I think it's very true what you're 372 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:35,600 Speaker 1: saying from like a brain perspective. When you are almost 373 00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:38,919 Speaker 1: kind of doing something not necessarily autopilot, but when you're 374 00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:43,080 Speaker 1: sowing the zone and time flies, that's because we're not 375 00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:46,280 Speaker 1: really really present in the moment. Especially with work, we're 376 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:49,480 Speaker 1: doing a thousand things, so time goes really fast. For example, 377 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:52,919 Speaker 1: when you are put on hold, you're thinking about how 378 00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:56,840 Speaker 1: you're being put on hold, and time just does not pass, 379 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:59,159 Speaker 1: and you're like, this is the longest minutes of my life. 380 00:18:59,359 --> 00:19:01,480 Speaker 1: Same as like when you're holding a planket's like when 381 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,840 Speaker 1: will this end? A microwave minute is the longest mode 382 00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:07,800 Speaker 1: in the world. So it's because we're hyper aware of 383 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:11,880 Speaker 1: what's happening in that moment. When you travel, your awareness 384 00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:14,560 Speaker 1: of what's happening, you're more likely to be present with 385 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:17,600 Speaker 1: new experience and not just traveling but new experiences or 386 00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:21,960 Speaker 1: really fulfilling experiences. And Humanan actually talks about this about 387 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,960 Speaker 1: the frame rate of what you're taking in, and you 388 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:30,359 Speaker 1: actually take in more frames quote unquote when you're enjoying 389 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:33,919 Speaker 1: it or whatever, but you're aware, or when you're bored 390 00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:36,440 Speaker 1: and you're aware, you're taking more from So it feels 391 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,359 Speaker 1: longer versus when you're kind of just doing something you know, 392 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,720 Speaker 1: like working and it's just you're on autopilot and getting 393 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,520 Speaker 1: it done, it feels shorter. So I think that it's 394 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:46,520 Speaker 1: really important with your day to day life, so life 395 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,120 Speaker 1: doesn't fly by. You want to be doing things where 396 00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,560 Speaker 1: you're really present and really enjoying every single day. It's 397 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:53,800 Speaker 1: not saying don't work, but after work, what are you doing? 398 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,439 Speaker 1: What are you doing to be really present in the 399 00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:58,200 Speaker 1: moment and have like this is my time where I'm 400 00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:00,119 Speaker 1: speaking to my partner, I'm going for a walk with 401 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:01,879 Speaker 1: my best friend or whatever it is that you do. 402 00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:03,960 Speaker 1: But you don't want to come home and then line 403 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:05,479 Speaker 1: on the couch and scroll for two hours and then 404 00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:05,880 Speaker 1: go to bed. 405 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:11,639 Speaker 2: And so when you started the podcast, so many people 406 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,760 Speaker 2: want to start one. Yes, so many people have an 407 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,959 Speaker 2: idea and they really want to do it, and they 408 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:18,360 Speaker 2: don't know where to start, or they start one and 409 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:21,880 Speaker 2: find it's really difficult, and you know, it might grow 410 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:25,159 Speaker 2: slower than they want. What did it look like for 411 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:28,480 Speaker 2: you to start it, and what was your benchmark for success? 412 00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:32,880 Speaker 1: So I didn't know that much about podcasting. The podcast 413 00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:34,919 Speaker 1: that I was listening to at the time were True Crime. 414 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:39,080 Speaker 1: I was thinking I should do either a YouTube channel 415 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:43,200 Speaker 1: or a podcast talking about neuroscience and psychology because I 416 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,520 Speaker 1: was halfway through my Masters at the time, and so 417 00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:48,040 Speaker 1: I thought, I'm desperate to share this knowledge. I'm obsessed 418 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:51,000 Speaker 1: with what I'm learning. So when I started it, the 419 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:54,640 Speaker 1: intention behind it was a to just have an outlet 420 00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:57,560 Speaker 1: to talk about what I loved and b I knew 421 00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,840 Speaker 1: that teaching helps you consolidate information, so while I was studying, 422 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:02,840 Speaker 1: I thought, this is a good way for me to 423 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:06,720 Speaker 1: teach what I'm learning and identify the gaps in my knowledge. 424 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,760 Speaker 1: And then I thought, this is just a fun little 425 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:12,359 Speaker 1: exercise to do. But it picked up really quickly and 426 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:14,119 Speaker 1: it was all word of mouth. And I think the 427 00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:17,200 Speaker 1: reason this particular podcast, my podcast did so well is 428 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:20,480 Speaker 1: because we all have a brain. It's all very relatable. 429 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:24,320 Speaker 1: We all want to improve aspects of our mind and 430 00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:27,439 Speaker 1: our brain and our life. I speak about the neuroscience 431 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:30,359 Speaker 1: of heartbreak, I speak about you know, self esteem, and 432 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:32,320 Speaker 1: then I speak about things like ketamine on the brain. 433 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:33,960 Speaker 1: Like I talk about all sorts of things. But I 434 00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:38,560 Speaker 1: think what makes it really impactful is that people see 435 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:42,040 Speaker 1: themselves in the episode, and when you see yourself in something, 436 00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:44,000 Speaker 1: you want to share it. So it grew through word 437 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:45,399 Speaker 1: of mouth because I think a lot of people are like, 438 00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:47,920 Speaker 1: that's me, and then they share it being like, as listen, 439 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,639 Speaker 1: this is me. And so I think if your audience 440 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:54,000 Speaker 1: is sharing your work, that's just the best thing for you. 441 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,560 Speaker 2: You get a lot of messages from people, and you 442 00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:59,560 Speaker 2: a lot of your episodes are sort of based on 443 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:03,520 Speaker 2: almost this symbiotic relationship with your audience where they'll ask 444 00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:05,800 Speaker 2: for what they're interested in, or you'll put it out 445 00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:07,439 Speaker 2: there that you want to do an episode on something, 446 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:10,880 Speaker 2: and you get a lot from your audience. Is there 447 00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:17,080 Speaker 2: anything you're noticing about trends you keep getting questions about 448 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:23,399 Speaker 2: and that's sort of a common experience of people in 449 00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:24,919 Speaker 2: terms of happiness. 450 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:28,439 Speaker 1: Yes, yes, so I would say there's two. I mean, 451 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:30,240 Speaker 1: there's quite a few But the two main ones that 452 00:22:30,359 --> 00:22:34,560 Speaker 1: especially lately is friendships as adults. A quality friendships. That's 453 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:37,480 Speaker 1: a huge one. There's a lot of people that stay 454 00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:41,000 Speaker 1: friends with people from their past just because, and they 455 00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:43,680 Speaker 1: talk about these friendships to me, they write in their 456 00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:45,840 Speaker 1: stories and I look at it and I think, I 457 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:48,520 Speaker 1: would never keep that person in my life like ever. 458 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:51,000 Speaker 1: And people are so scared to let go of a 459 00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:54,639 Speaker 1: toxic friendship because they'd rather a toxic friendship than be alone. 460 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:58,200 Speaker 1: People would rather suffer than be alone. And so my 461 00:22:58,359 --> 00:23:00,280 Speaker 1: thing is I'm always trying to teach people how to 462 00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:03,520 Speaker 1: create the bare minimum standard, and that's your relationship with yourself, 463 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:07,199 Speaker 1: because if I'm happy being alone, that's the minimum standard. 464 00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:10,439 Speaker 1: And I'm not going to accept this trash of you know, 465 00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:12,800 Speaker 1: how people are treating me and all of that. So 466 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:15,720 Speaker 1: that's kind of one of the big ones. Another really 467 00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:20,880 Speaker 1: big topic is people feeling like they're either always working 468 00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:23,840 Speaker 1: so hard but not doing enough, like I'm not doing enough, 469 00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:25,399 Speaker 1: I feel like I need to be doing more, and 470 00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:29,040 Speaker 1: just not feeling fulfilled. They have this sense of I'm hustling. 471 00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:31,879 Speaker 1: I'm hustling. It's this let's glorify being busy, but I 472 00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:34,680 Speaker 1: still feel like I'm not doing enough. And I think 473 00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:37,879 Speaker 1: that comes down to you could work every hour of 474 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:39,520 Speaker 1: the day and you're not going to feel like you're enough. 475 00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:42,840 Speaker 1: I think feeling like you're enough actually comes from slowing down. 476 00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:45,600 Speaker 1: It's so hard to accept that, but when you're able 477 00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:48,480 Speaker 1: to slow down, it's so cliche, but it's like stop 478 00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:51,240 Speaker 1: and smell the roses. It's like, how can you appreciate 479 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:54,840 Speaker 1: the small things in life? Because even when you achieve 480 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,440 Speaker 1: the highest success that you thought you would achieve, that 481 00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:00,520 Speaker 1: win is not what makes you happy. It's the tiny 482 00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:03,800 Speaker 1: things every single day that makes somebody happy. You can 483 00:24:03,840 --> 00:24:06,879 Speaker 1: feel a sense of accomplishment, you can feel pride, but 484 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,800 Speaker 1: happiness comes from the day to day. Yeah. 485 00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:14,760 Speaker 2: And productivity culture, I think is something I've really observed, 486 00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:18,639 Speaker 2: and the guilt people feel when they're not being productive, 487 00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:20,679 Speaker 2: and you have a line. I think I've heard you 488 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:23,040 Speaker 2: say a couple of times about like working on yourself 489 00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:26,639 Speaker 2: is productive. I've also listened to a lot of what 490 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:30,760 Speaker 2: you've said about friendship. What have you found about those 491 00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:36,639 Speaker 2: conversations about friendship? Do you find that people are changing 492 00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:37,240 Speaker 2: their behavior? 493 00:24:38,120 --> 00:24:42,600 Speaker 1: I think slowly, but the ones that do it's always 494 00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:45,600 Speaker 1: good it's always good. I think people are so scared, 495 00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:47,879 Speaker 1: and I understand why, especially if you're not used to it. 496 00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:51,360 Speaker 1: It's this nobody wants to be rejected, and especially when 497 00:24:51,359 --> 00:24:54,760 Speaker 1: it comes to friendships, it's almost people are almost more 498 00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:57,639 Speaker 1: afraid of being rejected by a potential friend than a 499 00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:00,399 Speaker 1: potential lover. I think with a lover, you think ultimate. 500 00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:01,880 Speaker 1: A lot of people think, oh, it's a numbers game, 501 00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:04,679 Speaker 1: it's fine, But when it comes to friendships, people freeze up. 502 00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:06,840 Speaker 1: They get awkward. Oh my god, what if this? Imagine 503 00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:08,920 Speaker 1: if they just reject me as a friend, what does 504 00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:12,679 Speaker 1: that mean? So they're really stand offish to make a 505 00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:15,800 Speaker 1: new friend. But the moment people put themselves out there 506 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:17,879 Speaker 1: and try, the amount of people that then message me 507 00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:20,119 Speaker 1: and say I did this and it worked. It actually 508 00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:23,359 Speaker 1: wasn't that hard. I commented on someone's outfit at a 509 00:25:23,359 --> 00:25:25,480 Speaker 1: bar and we ended up chatting for an hour and 510 00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:28,400 Speaker 1: then we swapped numbers. But it's so true. It's people 511 00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:31,960 Speaker 1: need to change their mentality. You're not flawed. The reason 512 00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:33,800 Speaker 1: you've got less friends as an adult is because you 513 00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:35,760 Speaker 1: used to be in an environment where you just had 514 00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:37,800 Speaker 1: people around you by default that had to be there 515 00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:40,919 Speaker 1: every single day, so you just gravitate to those people, 516 00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:43,800 Speaker 1: and then it's not bad that you drift apart when 517 00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:46,480 Speaker 1: you're out of that environment because you realize that you're 518 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:49,200 Speaker 1: actually very different in many other ways, and that's also fine. 519 00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:53,440 Speaker 1: But then you have to change your mentality around making 520 00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:55,760 Speaker 1: adult relationships. Just like you've got to put yourself out 521 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:58,040 Speaker 1: there in the dating scene, you have to put yourself 522 00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:00,960 Speaker 1: out there, and the effort once you found that friend 523 00:26:01,359 --> 00:26:03,440 Speaker 1: is again very different. In high school, you just rocked up. 524 00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:05,720 Speaker 1: That was the effort. You couldn't not because you had 525 00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:08,919 Speaker 1: to go. So here I have to put in my 526 00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:12,480 Speaker 1: effort with my friends. Can I expect the same because 527 00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:14,440 Speaker 1: we have a standard that we hold each other too, 528 00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:16,520 Speaker 1: and that's what makes a good friend. 529 00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:23,000 Speaker 2: More of my conversation with Alexis Fernandez preaksa after this 530 00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:31,240 Speaker 2: short break, and you also talk a lot about boundaries 531 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:35,600 Speaker 2: and setting a bit of a fence around your house 532 00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:39,639 Speaker 2: that doesn't demand anything from other people, but you're just 533 00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:43,600 Speaker 2: saying this is what I will and won't accept. What 534 00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:48,320 Speaker 2: has your journey been with boundaries through your life? Because 535 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:51,320 Speaker 2: is that something you learn from experience, from letting people 536 00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:53,560 Speaker 2: cross boundaries that you then learn how to have one. 537 00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:57,960 Speaker 1: Definitely that came from well, I had two really unhealthy relationships, 538 00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:00,879 Speaker 1: but one I was quite young, and I think I 539 00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:03,680 Speaker 1: just had no idea what was going on. In hindsight, 540 00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:07,040 Speaker 1: it was narcissistic. It was very emotionally abusive, but at 541 00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:08,800 Speaker 1: the time I just thought, oh, that was crazy because 542 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:12,320 Speaker 1: I was nineteen. I just didn't under stand. And the 543 00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:16,399 Speaker 1: other one was the relationship before Tyrone, where I was 544 00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:18,280 Speaker 1: like single for nearly three years after that because I 545 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:21,800 Speaker 1: was just so burnt by it. And that was again, like, 546 00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:27,040 Speaker 1: that was really awful emotional abuse. Narcissist text book, And 547 00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:29,440 Speaker 1: I know people throw the word around narcissists, but firstly, 548 00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:31,800 Speaker 1: I think there's more narcissist than people realize because they're 549 00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:33,720 Speaker 1: not out there getting diagnosed, So how do we know 550 00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:36,879 Speaker 1: how many there are? And secondly, when you have an 551 00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:40,639 Speaker 1: experience with a full blown narcissist, it's so clear. But 552 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:44,840 Speaker 1: that was just you're so controlled. Before you know it, 553 00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:47,840 Speaker 1: you've changed who you are. You feel like you're walking 554 00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:51,120 Speaker 1: on eggshells. You will say to them you are right, 555 00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:53,440 Speaker 1: even though you know they're not, just so you don't 556 00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:56,639 Speaker 1: have another screaming match. You notice yourself just give away 557 00:27:56,680 --> 00:27:59,399 Speaker 1: everything that's you just to try and keep the peace 558 00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:04,040 Speaker 1: and you then unfortunately, your respect for yourself and your 559 00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:06,800 Speaker 1: love for yourself goes down. So even when you really 560 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:09,840 Speaker 1: identify this is just not healthy anymore, you hold them 561 00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:12,560 Speaker 1: in such high esteem that you think I'll never get 562 00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:15,160 Speaker 1: someone this good because I'm not good enough to get 563 00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:18,800 Speaker 1: someone else. So I can't leave because they're this greater 564 00:28:19,520 --> 00:28:23,560 Speaker 1: person than me. So then you feel stuck. It's just awful. 565 00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:26,440 Speaker 1: And I mean, I would never say that I'm you know, 566 00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:28,359 Speaker 1: it's not like, oh, I'm so happy that that happened 567 00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:31,200 Speaker 1: to me. But in hindsight, it taught me so many, 568 00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:36,439 Speaker 1: so many lessons about myself, and leaving that relationship was incredible. 569 00:28:36,520 --> 00:28:39,160 Speaker 1: Like what I learned from the journey out of that 570 00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:42,280 Speaker 1: relationship was really cool. It almost served for me to 571 00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:44,760 Speaker 1: have that really jaded year after being like fuck this, 572 00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:48,520 Speaker 1: fuck oh sorry, I'm sorry. Now you're allowed to sway. 573 00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:52,160 Speaker 1: I was like this, and I was just so like oh, 574 00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:54,760 Speaker 1: but it's almost like I needed to shake off that energy. 575 00:28:54,840 --> 00:28:58,480 Speaker 1: I needed that year of feeling my emotions, feeling the 576 00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:02,240 Speaker 1: anger of the frustration and rebuilding because I was confident, 577 00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:05,400 Speaker 1: you know, and so It really helped her rebuild myself. 578 00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:09,520 Speaker 1: But then I thought, never again. I will rebuild my 579 00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:11,520 Speaker 1: life to the point where I love it, to the 580 00:29:11,560 --> 00:29:14,400 Speaker 1: point that if I never meet someone again, I genuinely 581 00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:16,880 Speaker 1: know I'll be happy because I've created this. It was 582 00:29:17,400 --> 00:29:19,760 Speaker 1: awful and hard, and you see a lot of people 583 00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:23,760 Speaker 1: in these relationships and they will justify staying. And when 584 00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:25,520 Speaker 1: you look at it from the outside, especially when you've 585 00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:28,000 Speaker 1: been there, you just think, oh, like, when when will 586 00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:30,320 Speaker 1: you leave? You know you can only just be there 587 00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:30,720 Speaker 1: to help. 588 00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:35,840 Speaker 2: And when you're in a relationship like that, what kind 589 00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:40,760 Speaker 2: of behaviors stuck out as narcissistic in hindsight? Because a 590 00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:42,440 Speaker 2: lot of You're right, a lot of people just shove 591 00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:45,400 Speaker 2: that label on anyone who's a bit mean to them 592 00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:48,000 Speaker 2: that they don't get along with. But what do you 593 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:51,200 Speaker 2: think sticks out as a narcissistic behavior in a relationship? 594 00:29:51,680 --> 00:29:54,720 Speaker 1: Yeah, so narcissistic definitely. Isn't they just love themselves? Someone 595 00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:57,160 Speaker 1: who's upped themselves and loves themselves is not a narcissist 596 00:29:57,280 --> 00:30:00,360 Speaker 1: if you actually love yourself. Narcissists don't love themselves. They 597 00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:02,920 Speaker 1: love this false idea of who they want people to perceive. 598 00:30:02,960 --> 00:30:04,840 Speaker 1: Them to be. They create this image and they're in 599 00:30:04,840 --> 00:30:07,880 Speaker 1: love with the image, but they don't like themselves. But 600 00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:13,480 Speaker 1: one main way feature is the initial love bombing at 601 00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:17,320 Speaker 1: the start. That is a hallmark thing. And it's not 602 00:30:17,360 --> 00:30:19,400 Speaker 1: to say that if someone's really, really, really nice it's 603 00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:21,400 Speaker 1: a red flag, but this is what they do at 604 00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:24,680 Speaker 1: the start. They will do things for you that almost 605 00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:26,680 Speaker 1: you can't repay them for They want you to be 606 00:30:26,760 --> 00:30:29,440 Speaker 1: in debt to them, so they want to do like 607 00:30:29,520 --> 00:30:32,200 Speaker 1: favors that you just couldn't repay, or they're really financially 608 00:30:32,280 --> 00:30:35,640 Speaker 1: generous to you, or they always pick you up and 609 00:30:35,680 --> 00:30:37,920 Speaker 1: drop you off and do everything for you. They'll get 610 00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:39,880 Speaker 1: you to move in you don't need to pay rent, 611 00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:42,960 Speaker 1: So then eventually you start accepting all these acts of 612 00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:46,040 Speaker 1: quote unquote generosity, and then they get you to a 613 00:30:46,040 --> 00:30:48,280 Speaker 1: point where you need them and then bang, they turn 614 00:30:48,280 --> 00:30:50,280 Speaker 1: around in a very short amount of time. So you'll 615 00:30:50,280 --> 00:30:53,400 Speaker 1: see people moving in really quickly and just leaning on 616 00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:56,160 Speaker 1: them really quickly, and then they'll turn around and they've 617 00:30:56,200 --> 00:31:00,440 Speaker 1: got leverage. Then they'll test you, so everything will be perfect. 618 00:31:00,560 --> 00:31:02,320 Speaker 1: Then they'll do something to shock you. They'll say something 619 00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:04,600 Speaker 1: quite mean, or they'll do something quite mean, or they'll 620 00:31:04,640 --> 00:31:07,760 Speaker 1: react in a way that's not normal based on the 621 00:31:07,840 --> 00:31:10,280 Speaker 1: last three months of them being really nice, and so 622 00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:14,800 Speaker 1: because it's been so incredible, your guard is down and 623 00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:17,080 Speaker 1: you don't defend yourself as you normally would. You think, 624 00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:19,320 Speaker 1: oh my god, like this is the perfect relationship. They 625 00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:21,400 Speaker 1: might and instantly you think they must have had a 626 00:31:21,440 --> 00:31:22,920 Speaker 1: really hard day. I'll just let it go. Oh my god, 627 00:31:22,960 --> 00:31:23,320 Speaker 1: oh my god. 628 00:31:23,360 --> 00:31:23,560 Speaker 2: No. 629 00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:26,760 Speaker 1: Then it gets worse and worse, and you're scrambling to 630 00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:28,960 Speaker 1: bring it back to that honeymoon three months where it 631 00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:30,880 Speaker 1: was so perfect. But what you don't realize is that 632 00:31:30,880 --> 00:31:33,360 Speaker 1: that was the trap. It will never go back to that. 633 00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:36,360 Speaker 1: And then they start manipulating, manipulating. Then they give you 634 00:31:36,400 --> 00:31:39,040 Speaker 1: glimpses of the good times, a glimpse here, because they 635 00:31:39,080 --> 00:31:43,080 Speaker 1: want it to be this rollercoaster of reliance on them emotionally. 636 00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:46,000 Speaker 1: And then they do things like well they are blatantly 637 00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:48,480 Speaker 1: gased like you. You're having a conversation and they will 638 00:31:48,600 --> 00:31:51,800 Speaker 1: just outright say you lie. You never said that, and 639 00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:54,280 Speaker 1: you're so sure that you did. But because they do 640 00:31:54,360 --> 00:31:57,000 Speaker 1: it so often, you start to doubt yourself. And then 641 00:31:57,000 --> 00:32:00,160 Speaker 1: when you start to question yourself, it is game over 642 00:32:00,480 --> 00:32:04,320 Speaker 1: because that's when they're in your head. And you can 643 00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:07,760 Speaker 1: never reason with a narcissist ever, ever. Ever, they're not 644 00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:10,240 Speaker 1: there to understand you. They never seek to understand you. 645 00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:14,080 Speaker 1: They seek to control. All they want is power. So 646 00:32:14,160 --> 00:32:16,480 Speaker 1: if you look at it from that perspective, the only 647 00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:18,520 Speaker 1: solution is to step away. Walk away. 648 00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:21,440 Speaker 2: That's such a good way of framing it, and I've 649 00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:23,960 Speaker 2: heard that from a lot of experts in the field. 650 00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:26,800 Speaker 2: I asked this question to all my guests, and I'm 651 00:32:26,800 --> 00:32:31,280 Speaker 2: particularly interested to hear your answer. As a neuroscientist, and 652 00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:35,400 Speaker 2: in the context of relationships, is there a time the 653 00:32:35,440 --> 00:32:38,280 Speaker 2: world told you you'd be happy but you weren't. 654 00:32:38,840 --> 00:32:41,560 Speaker 1: Yeah, I think so. Well, Firstly, I think a lot 655 00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:43,360 Speaker 1: of people think that a relationship is going to make 656 00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:45,320 Speaker 1: them happy. I think that's the biggest mistake you can 657 00:32:45,360 --> 00:32:49,600 Speaker 1: make telling yourself that. I think that in a healthy relationship, 658 00:32:49,640 --> 00:32:53,440 Speaker 1: you contribute to each other's happy life. But a person 659 00:32:53,520 --> 00:32:56,040 Speaker 1: can't make you happy. And then when you enter a 660 00:32:56,080 --> 00:32:59,120 Speaker 1: relationship and they on paper tick all the boxes, and 661 00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:01,040 Speaker 1: then this is the bad thing. You know, you then 662 00:33:01,160 --> 00:33:04,520 Speaker 1: make other people think that you're happy because you don't 663 00:33:04,560 --> 00:33:06,800 Speaker 1: want them to see the cracks in the relationship, and 664 00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:11,000 Speaker 1: so often I remember when in these relationships, I would 665 00:33:11,560 --> 00:33:13,800 Speaker 1: put on more of a facade that I was happy 666 00:33:14,600 --> 00:33:18,520 Speaker 1: and want to believe it myself because I didn't want 667 00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:20,840 Speaker 1: people worried about me. I thought, oh, no, I can 668 00:33:20,880 --> 00:33:22,640 Speaker 1: deal with it. But my parents wouldn't be able to 669 00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:24,320 Speaker 1: deal with it if they knew how horrible he was 670 00:33:24,320 --> 00:33:26,600 Speaker 1: to be behind closed doors, they'd be devastated because I've 671 00:33:26,640 --> 00:33:29,320 Speaker 1: got such a good relationship with my family, and so 672 00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:32,960 Speaker 1: I would then even be and I'd try and you know, 673 00:33:33,200 --> 00:33:36,640 Speaker 1: or you know, soon after the breakup, I went overseas, 674 00:33:37,120 --> 00:33:40,920 Speaker 1: and again I was really lonely and sad. And everyone 675 00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:42,800 Speaker 1: wants to go overseas, everyone wants to travel, and again 676 00:33:42,840 --> 00:33:45,440 Speaker 1: I was just pretending I was just so happy, but 677 00:33:45,520 --> 00:33:48,760 Speaker 1: I was crying every night, you know, so so many 678 00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:51,600 Speaker 1: times where I thought, well, this is what everyone says 679 00:33:51,640 --> 00:33:54,520 Speaker 1: will make you happy, the relationship or doing this big 680 00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:56,920 Speaker 1: trip overseas. I've since done great trips and sash I'm 681 00:33:56,960 --> 00:33:59,520 Speaker 1: genuinely was happy, but like you know, sometimes where it's 682 00:33:59,600 --> 00:34:01,840 Speaker 1: so fresh and you're in so much pain, but you 683 00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:04,240 Speaker 1: just don't want other people to know that you're suffering, 684 00:34:04,320 --> 00:34:08,719 Speaker 1: so you to protect them. You pretend that you're happy. 685 00:34:08,799 --> 00:34:11,239 Speaker 2: And I think that can be a little bit of 686 00:34:11,319 --> 00:34:13,680 Speaker 2: shame in being in a situation like that, and you 687 00:34:13,719 --> 00:34:16,799 Speaker 2: start to blame yourself and then think people are gonna 688 00:34:16,839 --> 00:34:19,479 Speaker 2: judge me if they know that I'm still in this relationship, 689 00:34:19,919 --> 00:34:22,160 Speaker 2: and they're going to think there's something wrong with me, 690 00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:27,359 Speaker 2: and it isolates you even further. On your podcast, you've 691 00:34:27,399 --> 00:34:32,759 Speaker 2: talked about the neuroscience of breakups, and you've talked about 692 00:34:33,080 --> 00:34:37,319 Speaker 2: breakups quite a bit your book about Self Love, there 693 00:34:37,359 --> 00:34:39,999 Speaker 2: are parts of that that are about breakups and how 694 00:34:40,040 --> 00:34:43,799 Speaker 2: to kind of rebuild yourself. When you had the bad 695 00:34:43,839 --> 00:34:47,759 Speaker 2: breakup and were then single for three years, what did 696 00:34:47,799 --> 00:34:51,359 Speaker 2: that kind of heartbreak look like afterwards? 697 00:34:52,120 --> 00:34:55,680 Speaker 1: Well, there was the initial you know, like devastation. It 698 00:34:55,759 --> 00:34:59,479 Speaker 1: was over. It was you know, that shock, and I 699 00:34:59,520 --> 00:35:02,119 Speaker 1: remember being so sad. And this is another really good 700 00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:04,120 Speaker 1: thing for me. I was so sad. My parents live 701 00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:07,279 Speaker 1: in Brisbane and they flew down. I went and stayed 702 00:35:07,279 --> 00:35:09,600 Speaker 1: at my auntie and uncles. It was myself, my cousins, 703 00:35:09,600 --> 00:35:11,719 Speaker 1: my auntie and un call, my parents and for like 704 00:35:11,879 --> 00:35:14,039 Speaker 1: three days, everyone just kind of rallied around me. We 705 00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:16,640 Speaker 1: cooked meals, we watched movies. The whole family was together, 706 00:35:16,919 --> 00:35:19,039 Speaker 1: and I feel like that was a really healing time 707 00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:21,640 Speaker 1: because what I loved about my family is that I 708 00:35:21,719 --> 00:35:23,479 Speaker 1: then came to realize that a lot of them did 709 00:35:23,479 --> 00:35:26,519 Speaker 1: see a lot of issues. But you can't really tell 710 00:35:26,520 --> 00:35:28,559 Speaker 1: someone when they're in that relationship. You know, you just 711 00:35:28,919 --> 00:35:30,959 Speaker 1: they try, but really you're not there to listen when 712 00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:34,399 Speaker 1: you're in that And no one ever ever ever said oh, 713 00:35:34,439 --> 00:35:37,279 Speaker 1: we knew and I told you so, never you know, 714 00:35:37,399 --> 00:35:40,279 Speaker 1: so it was always just we're here for you, We're 715 00:35:40,279 --> 00:35:42,239 Speaker 1: here to support you. And I think that if ever 716 00:35:42,239 --> 00:35:45,519 Speaker 1: they're supporting someone who's going through something, you don't need 717 00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:46,839 Speaker 1: to be the hero at the moment and say oh 718 00:35:46,839 --> 00:35:48,919 Speaker 1: I knew that they would talk. Well, that achieves nothing. 719 00:35:48,919 --> 00:35:51,319 Speaker 1: You just make the person feel stupid. So I think 720 00:35:51,359 --> 00:35:54,279 Speaker 1: it was really cool to have this three days, not 721 00:35:54,359 --> 00:35:56,079 Speaker 1: on social media and nothing. So I think you need 722 00:35:56,120 --> 00:35:59,439 Speaker 1: when you go through that heartbreak, you need your healing grieving. 723 00:35:59,799 --> 00:36:02,600 Speaker 1: It's really important to feel your feelings. I think a 724 00:36:02,640 --> 00:36:04,559 Speaker 1: lot of people think, oh, well, if I just think 725 00:36:04,600 --> 00:36:07,039 Speaker 1: happy thoughts and no, but you have to process. You 726 00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:10,640 Speaker 1: have to and you're not designed to be happy all 727 00:36:10,640 --> 00:36:13,719 Speaker 1: the time, but to live a happy life. You have 728 00:36:13,799 --> 00:36:15,640 Speaker 1: to go through the peaks and troughs. You have to 729 00:36:15,680 --> 00:36:18,520 Speaker 1: feel all your feelings, and that makes you ultimately happy 730 00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:22,919 Speaker 1: because you can adjust how you deal with situations. I 731 00:36:22,919 --> 00:36:26,439 Speaker 1: think if you avoid the troughs, you're never really going 732 00:36:26,479 --> 00:36:28,519 Speaker 1: to be happy. So that was one thing, and then 733 00:36:28,560 --> 00:36:30,919 Speaker 1: after that then I thought, Okay, I'm still sad obviously, 734 00:36:31,319 --> 00:36:33,879 Speaker 1: so I need to find something that is bigger than 735 00:36:33,879 --> 00:36:35,439 Speaker 1: me that's going to pull me out of this, or 736 00:36:35,479 --> 00:36:37,639 Speaker 1: something that gives me a reason to get up every day. 737 00:36:37,879 --> 00:36:41,319 Speaker 1: And that's when I started The Masters, and I just 738 00:36:41,759 --> 00:36:44,319 Speaker 1: loved it so much, and it was really nice that 739 00:36:44,439 --> 00:36:46,680 Speaker 1: even through the heartbreak, I had something that I was 740 00:36:46,719 --> 00:36:50,279 Speaker 1: working towards that I loved it. So something that I 741 00:36:50,319 --> 00:36:52,319 Speaker 1: would recommend if you're going through a really, really tough 742 00:36:52,359 --> 00:36:54,759 Speaker 1: time is try and to introduce something new into your 743 00:36:54,799 --> 00:36:57,200 Speaker 1: life that's got nothing to do with your Exit's almost 744 00:36:57,239 --> 00:37:00,279 Speaker 1: like a new chapter that means so much to you 745 00:37:00,319 --> 00:37:03,199 Speaker 1: and you do it just for you. I think that's 746 00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:07,000 Speaker 1: the first step of really showing yourself love again. 747 00:37:07,479 --> 00:37:10,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think sometimes it can almost be about 748 00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:14,200 Speaker 2: like crafting a new arm of your identity, like I'm 749 00:37:14,279 --> 00:37:17,680 Speaker 2: actually I'm still me this is who I am, and 750 00:37:17,719 --> 00:37:21,039 Speaker 2: you're discovering more about yourself when you're doing that new 751 00:37:21,080 --> 00:37:24,440 Speaker 2: thing and kind of leaning into the things that you're 752 00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:29,239 Speaker 2: most passionate about. Yeah, I think that's something that people 753 00:37:29,279 --> 00:37:34,319 Speaker 2: find in the wake of a breakup makes such a difference, massively, massively. 754 00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:38,600 Speaker 2: In your podcast, so you've talked about breakups and friendships 755 00:37:38,600 --> 00:37:41,880 Speaker 2: and emotional vampires, and you've talked about a lot of 756 00:37:41,919 --> 00:37:45,519 Speaker 2: these themes that are really relevant to your audience. Have 757 00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:48,960 Speaker 2: you ever spoken about something and regretted it, or spoken 758 00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:54,119 Speaker 2: about something and had feedback from people where you thought, oh, 759 00:37:54,160 --> 00:37:56,879 Speaker 2: that's actually not how I meant for that to land. 760 00:37:57,879 --> 00:38:01,639 Speaker 1: Luckily not Actually no, And I think the reason for 761 00:38:01,719 --> 00:38:05,239 Speaker 1: that is that most of the things that I speak about, 762 00:38:05,399 --> 00:38:08,799 Speaker 1: I will always look at it from a lens of 763 00:38:09,239 --> 00:38:10,759 Speaker 1: especially when it comes to some So this is the 764 00:38:10,759 --> 00:38:13,119 Speaker 1: beauty of what I started. We had to really learn 765 00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:17,439 Speaker 1: how to analyze studies and pull things apart, and so 766 00:38:17,759 --> 00:38:21,000 Speaker 1: your lens, even when you're not talking about a scientific paper, 767 00:38:21,560 --> 00:38:25,119 Speaker 1: your lens when you discuss a topic is very much 768 00:38:25,279 --> 00:38:27,600 Speaker 1: like how could it be viewed from the other side. 769 00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,119 Speaker 1: I speak about it from the position of how you're 770 00:38:30,160 --> 00:38:32,200 Speaker 1: dealing with someone else. But I always make people flip 771 00:38:32,239 --> 00:38:34,279 Speaker 1: the lens and say are you this to someone else? 772 00:38:34,279 --> 00:38:36,719 Speaker 1: Because it's very easy to say this is a toxic 773 00:38:36,759 --> 00:38:39,359 Speaker 1: relationship and for you to listen to the ten things 774 00:38:39,359 --> 00:38:41,840 Speaker 1: I've listed and say, yep, that's my partner toxic, toxic, toxic, 775 00:38:42,160 --> 00:38:44,319 Speaker 1: without realizing that you do five of those things, you know. 776 00:38:44,359 --> 00:38:46,439 Speaker 1: So a lot of the podcast is how often can 777 00:38:46,439 --> 00:38:48,359 Speaker 1: you flip the lens and can you look at what 778 00:38:48,359 --> 00:38:50,599 Speaker 1: I'm talking about here and apply it to yourself. It's 779 00:38:50,640 --> 00:38:53,200 Speaker 1: easy to identify what's annoying in your parents, but do 780 00:38:53,239 --> 00:38:54,839 Speaker 1: you do the same to them? You know? So a 781 00:38:54,879 --> 00:38:57,359 Speaker 1: lot of it comes to do with just asking yourself 782 00:38:57,399 --> 00:39:00,200 Speaker 1: a question. Rarely I talk about black and white, and 783 00:39:00,319 --> 00:39:03,079 Speaker 1: science is rarely black and white. It takes a long 784 00:39:03,080 --> 00:39:04,640 Speaker 1: time for something to become a law. 785 00:39:05,719 --> 00:39:10,600 Speaker 2: How do the people around you respond to your city sucess? 786 00:39:10,959 --> 00:39:15,120 Speaker 2: So you've got friends that you will have had for 787 00:39:15,160 --> 00:39:18,119 Speaker 2: a long long time. Do you feel like people ever 788 00:39:19,160 --> 00:39:21,879 Speaker 2: lean in when things are really positive and shiny from 789 00:39:21,919 --> 00:39:25,759 Speaker 2: the outside, And do you think people get competitive with you? Like, 790 00:39:25,839 --> 00:39:28,360 Speaker 2: how do you kind of find that your personal relationships 791 00:39:28,439 --> 00:39:32,600 Speaker 2: go with you having a public profile and having something 792 00:39:32,680 --> 00:39:34,160 Speaker 2: really successful that you're known for. 793 00:39:34,719 --> 00:39:37,680 Speaker 1: Honestly, and I'm very, very very lucky to say this, 794 00:39:37,839 --> 00:39:41,639 Speaker 1: but the friends that I have, they are just the 795 00:39:41,680 --> 00:39:45,479 Speaker 1: biggest cheerleaders for each other's success. Like we're the kind 796 00:39:45,479 --> 00:39:48,919 Speaker 1: of friends that will speak so highly off each other 797 00:39:48,959 --> 00:39:51,719 Speaker 1: when they're not there. And my friends have done so 798 00:39:51,879 --> 00:39:54,160 Speaker 1: much in you know, mentioning my name in a room 799 00:39:54,200 --> 00:39:56,999 Speaker 1: full of opportunities, even when I'm succeeding and they're like, 800 00:39:57,040 --> 00:39:59,239 Speaker 1: you should get you should speak to you know, So 801 00:39:59,719 --> 00:40:01,959 Speaker 1: I feel like that harbors more of the same and 802 00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:04,200 Speaker 1: we do more for each other. Obviously, my family's so 803 00:40:04,319 --> 00:40:06,640 Speaker 1: like excited and proud and they love it. But even 804 00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:10,519 Speaker 1: with friends there, I've just been very fortunate. And of 805 00:40:10,600 --> 00:40:12,680 Speaker 1: course you've got to be selective with your friends as well. 806 00:40:13,080 --> 00:40:15,360 Speaker 1: But the friends that I have now in my life, 807 00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:18,319 Speaker 1: I couldn't be happier. I couldn't be happier with them. 808 00:40:18,359 --> 00:40:21,200 Speaker 1: I've never felt just not even a scaic of competition 809 00:40:21,279 --> 00:40:23,239 Speaker 1: from them, which is amazing. 810 00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:28,559 Speaker 2: You talk about kind of boundaries with friendships and how 811 00:40:28,640 --> 00:40:31,879 Speaker 2: you teach people how to treat you, What kind of 812 00:40:31,959 --> 00:40:35,960 Speaker 2: boundaries do you have with friends? So how you said 813 00:40:36,160 --> 00:40:38,400 Speaker 2: you know, you've got to kind of pick your friends. 814 00:40:38,399 --> 00:40:41,959 Speaker 2: Well too, what kind of boundaries do you have where 815 00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:45,400 Speaker 2: if somebody did something, you'd think, Okay, that cross the boundary. 816 00:40:45,479 --> 00:40:47,560 Speaker 1: This isn't what I need in my life. Yeah, totally. 817 00:40:47,600 --> 00:40:49,640 Speaker 1: So a lot of the things that people talk about, 818 00:40:49,879 --> 00:40:53,439 Speaker 1: you know, with their issues with their friends, I always say, okay, first, okay, 819 00:40:53,560 --> 00:40:57,440 Speaker 1: number one, you have to identify what is a good friend? 820 00:40:58,359 --> 00:41:01,080 Speaker 1: What would I And often it's a lot of the 821 00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:02,919 Speaker 1: time it's kind of you want to see what you 822 00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:06,640 Speaker 1: do for them reciprocated for most people. So you've got 823 00:41:06,680 --> 00:41:10,399 Speaker 1: to identify what does that look like. And obviously I 824 00:41:10,439 --> 00:41:13,319 Speaker 1: don't have any issues with my friends now, but in 825 00:41:13,359 --> 00:41:15,439 Speaker 1: the past with other people that I've been friends with, 826 00:41:15,959 --> 00:41:19,080 Speaker 1: certain things. For example, if I found out that my 827 00:41:19,239 --> 00:41:22,160 Speaker 1: best friend was talking behind my back, I'd get upset, 828 00:41:22,359 --> 00:41:24,440 Speaker 1: but I wouldn't instantly cut them out. What I would 829 00:41:24,479 --> 00:41:27,759 Speaker 1: say is, what were you talking about behind my back? 830 00:41:27,839 --> 00:41:32,080 Speaker 1: Because let's say that I was acting like the fool 831 00:41:32,359 --> 00:41:35,079 Speaker 1: and she was debriefing with someone else, being like, yeah, 832 00:41:35,120 --> 00:41:38,719 Speaker 1: alexis really did that was like inappropriate her behavior? I did? 833 00:41:39,000 --> 00:41:40,680 Speaker 1: I would have to eat that because I don't think 834 00:41:40,719 --> 00:41:42,439 Speaker 1: my friends have to agree with me on everything. I 835 00:41:42,439 --> 00:41:45,000 Speaker 1: don't believe that your friends have to have your back 836 00:41:45,080 --> 00:41:47,919 Speaker 1: even when you're being inappropriate. I do not agree with that. 837 00:41:48,279 --> 00:41:50,239 Speaker 1: I think you can have a really good friendship where 838 00:41:50,239 --> 00:41:51,799 Speaker 1: you can pull each other up. That is actually what 839 00:41:51,839 --> 00:41:53,479 Speaker 1: makes a good friendship, where you can say I actually 840 00:41:53,520 --> 00:41:55,279 Speaker 1: don't agree with what you did there. Love you, but 841 00:41:55,319 --> 00:41:56,680 Speaker 1: I'm not going to have your back there because that 842 00:41:56,759 --> 00:41:59,239 Speaker 1: was not okay. Ye. But if I found out that 843 00:41:59,319 --> 00:42:01,840 Speaker 1: my friend was saying, oh my god, I can't believe 844 00:42:01,839 --> 00:42:04,200 Speaker 1: she's wearing that, and she you know, if she was 845 00:42:04,439 --> 00:42:07,439 Speaker 1: attacking my character, then I would have a problem with that. 846 00:42:08,080 --> 00:42:10,039 Speaker 1: So I think, trust me, I'm not going to love 847 00:42:10,040 --> 00:42:11,959 Speaker 1: any one talking about me behind my back. But there's 848 00:42:12,000 --> 00:42:13,359 Speaker 1: times where I'm like, okay, I have to eat that. 849 00:42:13,439 --> 00:42:15,559 Speaker 1: I have to accept that. And then there's times where 850 00:42:15,600 --> 00:42:17,440 Speaker 1: you can say, okay, this is not really a friend. 851 00:42:17,479 --> 00:42:19,640 Speaker 1: That's not something a friend does. Why are they trying 852 00:42:19,680 --> 00:42:24,119 Speaker 1: to bring me down unnecessarily with other people? And see 853 00:42:24,120 --> 00:42:26,680 Speaker 1: if they agree that's what I think is inappropriate. When 854 00:42:26,719 --> 00:42:29,680 Speaker 1: they try and pit others against you, that's something that 855 00:42:29,719 --> 00:42:32,640 Speaker 1: I would not stand for at all, And I wouldn't 856 00:42:32,640 --> 00:42:33,999 Speaker 1: even need to do much about it. I would just 857 00:42:34,080 --> 00:42:36,239 Speaker 1: distance myself from that person. It doesn't need to be 858 00:42:36,279 --> 00:42:38,479 Speaker 1: this big song and dance. You can just say, Okay, 859 00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:42,239 Speaker 1: I'm aware of this person's character. I don't need to 860 00:42:42,239 --> 00:42:43,959 Speaker 1: be a part of that. You don't have to end 861 00:42:44,000 --> 00:42:47,160 Speaker 1: the relationship. You just think you've uninvited yourself from being 862 00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:48,799 Speaker 1: in my inner circle. And that's okay. 863 00:42:49,319 --> 00:42:52,079 Speaker 2: And I think that comes from a baseline level of 864 00:42:52,600 --> 00:42:55,439 Speaker 2: self esteem and self worth where you think, actually, no, 865 00:42:55,520 --> 00:42:59,759 Speaker 2: I'm worth doing that and keeping myself in a happy 866 00:42:59,799 --> 00:43:02,680 Speaker 2: place where I'm not affected. That's right other people's behavior. 867 00:43:03,959 --> 00:43:08,359 Speaker 2: How do you deal with failure? And I say failure 868 00:43:08,520 --> 00:43:13,600 Speaker 2: in inverted commas because I don't mean that it's actually 869 00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:17,319 Speaker 2: failing at something. I mean those experiences where something doesn't 870 00:43:17,319 --> 00:43:20,080 Speaker 2: go right and you learn from it. Do you have 871 00:43:20,160 --> 00:43:23,200 Speaker 2: any examples of that and how you have overcome it? 872 00:43:23,759 --> 00:43:27,879 Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean there's a few, Like career wise, for sure. Look, 873 00:43:27,879 --> 00:43:29,919 Speaker 1: one of the best things to help you deal with 874 00:43:29,959 --> 00:43:32,559 Speaker 1: something when you know you make a mistake career wise, 875 00:43:32,640 --> 00:43:34,519 Speaker 1: there was a fork in the road and there was 876 00:43:34,879 --> 00:43:37,600 Speaker 1: two options to take, and you thought, okay, well this 877 00:43:37,680 --> 00:43:38,919 Speaker 1: is going to be the better one. And then you 878 00:43:38,959 --> 00:43:41,440 Speaker 1: look back and you think, well, that was a big mistake. 879 00:43:41,680 --> 00:43:43,640 Speaker 1: I should have gone the other way. That's happened to 880 00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:45,679 Speaker 1: me a couple of times, and some of them were 881 00:43:45,839 --> 00:43:49,759 Speaker 1: big mistakes, and I look back, especially financially, and you think, 882 00:43:49,839 --> 00:43:52,239 Speaker 1: oh my god, I don't want to think about what 883 00:43:52,279 --> 00:43:53,999 Speaker 1: it could have looked like if I'd gone the other way. 884 00:43:54,719 --> 00:43:56,879 Speaker 1: But one of the key things that I always bring 885 00:43:56,919 --> 00:43:59,759 Speaker 1: it back to is you have to remind yourself that 886 00:44:00,279 --> 00:44:04,480 Speaker 1: with what I knew at the time, I was confident 887 00:44:04,479 --> 00:44:08,360 Speaker 1: in that decision at the time. Hindsight's all well and good, 888 00:44:08,799 --> 00:44:11,879 Speaker 1: but I think the ut this idea of failure. I 889 00:44:11,959 --> 00:44:15,239 Speaker 1: kind of link failure to do I regret it, because 890 00:44:15,759 --> 00:44:19,519 Speaker 1: if I regret it, then that's good. Something can be 891 00:44:19,600 --> 00:44:22,319 Speaker 1: learnt from that. Regret last for not that long in 892 00:44:22,319 --> 00:44:24,759 Speaker 1: my mind, because if you just regret and you live 893 00:44:24,839 --> 00:44:27,600 Speaker 1: with regret, that's quite unhealthy and it erodes at you. 894 00:44:27,959 --> 00:44:30,120 Speaker 1: But when you can identify regret, you say, why do 895 00:44:30,200 --> 00:44:33,040 Speaker 1: I regret it? It's because I had power over the 896 00:44:33,080 --> 00:44:36,120 Speaker 1: situation and I did something that was against what my 897 00:44:36,160 --> 00:44:38,359 Speaker 1: instincts were at the time. Because you can't really regret 898 00:44:38,399 --> 00:44:40,560 Speaker 1: something that you thought was the right thing in the moment. 899 00:44:40,600 --> 00:44:43,399 Speaker 1: I can't say I regret dating that horrible person, because 900 00:44:43,399 --> 00:44:46,039 Speaker 1: I obviously entered that relationship thinking it was good. I 901 00:44:46,040 --> 00:44:51,039 Speaker 1: can't regret really that decision unless at the time I 902 00:44:51,080 --> 00:44:54,279 Speaker 1: went against my instincts and I went the other way. 903 00:44:54,680 --> 00:44:56,959 Speaker 1: But when you have that failure and it doesn't work 904 00:44:57,000 --> 00:44:59,120 Speaker 1: out and you have these feelings of regret, I like 905 00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:01,040 Speaker 1: to think, Okay, this is good. This is a lesson. 906 00:45:01,080 --> 00:45:04,600 Speaker 1: How do I make sure that this feeling doesn't arise again. 907 00:45:04,839 --> 00:45:06,399 Speaker 1: I'm going to put this to good use, because if 908 00:45:06,439 --> 00:45:08,879 Speaker 1: I can't make regret my teacher, then it's a waste. 909 00:45:09,239 --> 00:45:10,840 Speaker 1: But if I can look at it and say, okay, 910 00:45:10,879 --> 00:45:12,639 Speaker 1: I know how it feels like, So next time I'm 911 00:45:12,640 --> 00:45:15,120 Speaker 1: at a crossroads, how am I going to use this 912 00:45:15,200 --> 00:45:17,679 Speaker 1: as a lesson? So you can always turn something into 913 00:45:17,719 --> 00:45:20,799 Speaker 1: a lesson, and it's okay to think, wow, I really 914 00:45:20,799 --> 00:45:23,640 Speaker 1: messed up there. That was a joke, Like I'm so annoyed, 915 00:45:24,120 --> 00:45:27,160 Speaker 1: have the feeling, feel the frustration, but then think, Okay, 916 00:45:27,279 --> 00:45:29,719 Speaker 1: what has this taught me? How will this make me 917 00:45:29,759 --> 00:45:31,800 Speaker 1: wiser in the future. How can I be a better 918 00:45:31,839 --> 00:45:35,080 Speaker 1: business person or a better partner. Let's say you cheated 919 00:45:35,120 --> 00:45:37,120 Speaker 1: on your partner and they were the best thing that 920 00:45:37,160 --> 00:45:38,959 Speaker 1: ever happened to you, you got to say, well, there's 921 00:45:38,959 --> 00:45:41,479 Speaker 1: a reason I cheated. You know something was off. But 922 00:45:41,600 --> 00:45:43,319 Speaker 1: maybe what can I learn from this? I can learn 923 00:45:43,319 --> 00:45:45,279 Speaker 1: to be a better partner. I can learn to put 924 00:45:45,279 --> 00:45:47,680 Speaker 1: my pride on the side and genuinely apologize. I can 925 00:45:47,759 --> 00:45:50,080 Speaker 1: learn to be the person who's in the wrong. I 926 00:45:50,120 --> 00:45:52,400 Speaker 1: can learn what it feels like to not be forgiven 927 00:45:52,479 --> 00:45:54,640 Speaker 1: and have to forgive myself through being a better person. 928 00:45:55,000 --> 00:45:57,279 Speaker 1: So there's many, many, many things that you can learn 929 00:45:57,319 --> 00:45:59,759 Speaker 1: through regret, even when you stuff up massively. 930 00:46:01,879 --> 00:46:05,839 Speaker 2: More of my conversation with Alexis Fernandez preaksa after this 931 00:46:05,959 --> 00:46:16,719 Speaker 2: short break, you have, even from childhood, had this positive mindset, 932 00:46:17,000 --> 00:46:21,639 Speaker 2: and you have all the logic and all the scientific 933 00:46:22,000 --> 00:46:25,120 Speaker 2: backing of how to live a happy life. Even with 934 00:46:25,279 --> 00:46:28,039 Speaker 2: all the resources you have, what would you say is 935 00:46:28,080 --> 00:46:32,359 Speaker 2: your current biggest challenge to happiness in your life. 936 00:46:32,919 --> 00:46:35,279 Speaker 1: One thing that really always I have to keep at 937 00:46:35,319 --> 00:46:38,439 Speaker 1: bay is feeling like I'm not doing enough and then 938 00:46:38,520 --> 00:46:41,239 Speaker 1: feeling like, oh was that day a waste? Because and 939 00:46:41,239 --> 00:46:42,879 Speaker 1: this is what I teach as well, and it's something 940 00:46:42,919 --> 00:46:44,960 Speaker 1: that I feel, and you've just got to be consciously 941 00:46:44,959 --> 00:46:47,079 Speaker 1: aware of it and think Okay, put the deals into 942 00:46:47,080 --> 00:46:49,759 Speaker 1: practice and then it helps. But one thing is that 943 00:46:49,839 --> 00:46:52,359 Speaker 1: I will often feel like I'm behind the eight ball 944 00:46:52,479 --> 00:46:54,160 Speaker 1: with my work and with what I'm doing. And I 945 00:46:54,200 --> 00:46:56,800 Speaker 1: look at if I look at a short period of time, 946 00:46:56,879 --> 00:46:59,200 Speaker 1: it's really easy to say I haven't been as productive 947 00:46:59,239 --> 00:47:00,959 Speaker 1: as I could have been. I could have done that, 948 00:47:01,040 --> 00:47:02,799 Speaker 1: I could have done this. But then if I look 949 00:47:02,799 --> 00:47:05,839 Speaker 1: at the last four years, I'm really proud of myself. 950 00:47:05,919 --> 00:47:08,319 Speaker 1: I think just the last because like in the last 951 00:47:08,359 --> 00:47:10,519 Speaker 1: four or five years, you've done a lot, and I 952 00:47:10,520 --> 00:47:12,919 Speaker 1: think we are so unrealistic. And this is something Tony 953 00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:16,319 Speaker 1: Robins says. Actually, he says, you overestimate what you can 954 00:47:16,319 --> 00:47:18,559 Speaker 1: do in a year, but you underestimate what you can 955 00:47:18,600 --> 00:47:21,879 Speaker 1: do in ten. The timelines we put on ourselves are 956 00:47:21,879 --> 00:47:25,200 Speaker 1: sometimes so unnecessary. We are so hard on ourselves. But 957 00:47:25,279 --> 00:47:28,119 Speaker 1: if you zoom out, stretch it out, you think you've 958 00:47:28,120 --> 00:47:31,039 Speaker 1: come a really long way, You've done a lot. And 959 00:47:31,080 --> 00:47:32,959 Speaker 1: that's one for me, one of the best ways to 960 00:47:33,160 --> 00:47:36,960 Speaker 1: kind of counteract that thought'd be a bit kinder to myself, 961 00:47:36,959 --> 00:47:39,119 Speaker 1: a bit more gentle. And then, of course, when you're 962 00:47:39,160 --> 00:47:41,519 Speaker 1: feeling that way, I also remind myself, okay, what are 963 00:47:41,520 --> 00:47:43,639 Speaker 1: my values, because work is only just one of them. 964 00:47:44,000 --> 00:47:47,680 Speaker 1: You also had a really great time with your cousins today. 965 00:47:47,759 --> 00:47:50,759 Speaker 1: That's so important to your happiness. You also had such 966 00:47:50,799 --> 00:47:53,559 Speaker 1: a great morning with your dog. You also meditated, and 967 00:47:53,600 --> 00:47:55,519 Speaker 1: then you feel okay, actually I have ticked off all 968 00:47:55,560 --> 00:47:59,560 Speaker 1: these things that make me me, and then you feel better. 969 00:48:00,080 --> 00:48:04,799 Speaker 2: I think that's that idea of the productivity and not 970 00:48:04,839 --> 00:48:08,119 Speaker 2: feeling like you're doing enough. I think also, I had 971 00:48:08,120 --> 00:48:11,120 Speaker 2: this conversation recently that sometimes you feel the most like 972 00:48:11,160 --> 00:48:14,200 Speaker 2: that when you're actually in the midst of something. So 973 00:48:14,319 --> 00:48:19,160 Speaker 2: when you're actually working on the project, you beat yourself up, 974 00:48:19,560 --> 00:48:20,799 Speaker 2: I'm not doing anything. What should I be doing? What 975 00:48:20,799 --> 00:48:22,600 Speaker 2: should I be doing? And then you're like, hold on, 976 00:48:22,640 --> 00:48:26,039 Speaker 2: it's just because the fruits of my labor haven't bloomed yet. 977 00:48:26,839 --> 00:48:27,559 Speaker 1: Like I've got to. 978 00:48:27,520 --> 00:48:31,600 Speaker 2: Actually be patient and do the best I can in 979 00:48:31,600 --> 00:48:35,080 Speaker 2: the moment, and I'll be surprised by what it looks like. 980 00:48:36,399 --> 00:48:38,160 Speaker 1: That's right. And people who are trying to start a 981 00:48:38,200 --> 00:48:41,200 Speaker 1: business and whatever, they'll put in so many hours and 982 00:48:41,239 --> 00:48:43,279 Speaker 1: still feel like they're not doing enough because they might 983 00:48:43,319 --> 00:48:45,639 Speaker 1: not have launched, they might not be making the money 984 00:48:45,640 --> 00:48:47,239 Speaker 1: that they thought they'd be making at that point. So 985 00:48:47,239 --> 00:48:49,879 Speaker 1: it's got nothing to do with productivity. It's just this 986 00:48:50,719 --> 00:48:56,480 Speaker 1: idea that we have that external success is correlated with effort, 987 00:48:56,560 --> 00:48:58,439 Speaker 1: and it's not the case because you could put all 988 00:48:58,439 --> 00:49:00,319 Speaker 1: the effort in the world and it just doesn't succeed. 989 00:49:00,359 --> 00:49:03,120 Speaker 1: And then that can't be the marker of are you 990 00:49:03,160 --> 00:49:03,879 Speaker 1: good enough or not. 991 00:49:04,680 --> 00:49:09,040 Speaker 2: When you look at your future and picture yourself as 992 00:49:09,680 --> 00:49:13,239 Speaker 2: an old woman looking back at your life, what do 993 00:49:13,399 --> 00:49:17,799 Speaker 2: you think you would wanted to have happened in order 994 00:49:17,839 --> 00:49:19,000 Speaker 2: to have lived a happy life. 995 00:49:19,680 --> 00:49:23,640 Speaker 1: I would love to carry on kind of this. Firstly personally, 996 00:49:23,719 --> 00:49:27,200 Speaker 1: this like really close family legacy that my family's always had. 997 00:49:27,680 --> 00:49:30,479 Speaker 1: I think of all like my four grandparents they've all 998 00:49:30,520 --> 00:49:33,200 Speaker 1: passed away now, but oh, like it was just like 999 00:49:33,759 --> 00:49:35,959 Speaker 1: so nice when the whole family would get together. And 1000 00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:37,919 Speaker 1: when I'm old, I want that we were all just 1001 00:49:37,959 --> 00:49:40,640 Speaker 1: so happy together and it's just like I can still remember, 1002 00:49:40,719 --> 00:49:42,839 Speaker 1: like what the sounds of my grandparents laughed when we're 1003 00:49:42,879 --> 00:49:46,200 Speaker 1: all together. That is like family wise, I want that legacy, 1004 00:49:46,399 --> 00:49:49,559 Speaker 1: So that personally is huge. And then as far as 1005 00:49:49,600 --> 00:49:52,279 Speaker 1: professionally for me, I mean the fact that I can 1006 00:49:52,319 --> 00:49:55,399 Speaker 1: help change someone's life by helping them change the relationship 1007 00:49:55,439 --> 00:49:59,560 Speaker 1: with themselves. If I can have the opportunity to continue 1008 00:49:59,600 --> 00:50:03,120 Speaker 1: doing what I'm doing, more books, more of the podcast, 1009 00:50:03,279 --> 00:50:05,200 Speaker 1: and then it could translate in other ways that I'm 1010 00:50:05,200 --> 00:50:06,959 Speaker 1: not even aware of yet what that could look like 1011 00:50:07,000 --> 00:50:08,880 Speaker 1: in ten twenty years time. But if I could still 1012 00:50:08,919 --> 00:50:12,160 Speaker 1: be doing that kind of work well into my seventies, 1013 00:50:12,239 --> 00:50:15,439 Speaker 1: I'd be so happy. I'd be so happy. 1014 00:50:15,520 --> 00:50:19,120 Speaker 2: Would the people in your life think that you're happy 1015 00:50:19,200 --> 00:50:20,879 Speaker 2: right now, like the people the people who. 1016 00:50:20,879 --> 00:50:22,399 Speaker 1: Know your best? Yeah, definitely. 1017 00:50:22,799 --> 00:50:24,520 Speaker 2: And are you happy? 1018 00:50:24,719 --> 00:50:28,279 Speaker 1: Yeah, Oh my god, very happy, very happy? And it 1019 00:50:28,359 --> 00:50:31,040 Speaker 1: is I think it's just you know, when you finally 1020 00:50:31,080 --> 00:50:32,600 Speaker 1: get to a point where you can look at all 1021 00:50:32,640 --> 00:50:35,799 Speaker 1: the relationships in your life and think, I'm so confident 1022 00:50:35,799 --> 00:50:38,200 Speaker 1: that every single person here has my best interest at 1023 00:50:38,239 --> 00:50:41,919 Speaker 1: heart and I have theirs as well, that already just 1024 00:50:42,200 --> 00:50:45,279 Speaker 1: puts you so at ease. You feel comfortable, you feel safe, 1025 00:50:45,359 --> 00:50:47,879 Speaker 1: you feel confident to be able to go out and 1026 00:50:47,919 --> 00:50:50,560 Speaker 1: do things that you want to do. Connection is huge, 1027 00:50:50,759 --> 00:50:53,160 Speaker 1: It's a huge part of your happiness. And if you've 1028 00:50:53,200 --> 00:50:55,600 Speaker 1: got bad people in your life, you're better off starting 1029 00:50:55,600 --> 00:50:58,680 Speaker 1: from scratch, starting off alone, then staying with those bad people. 1030 00:50:58,719 --> 00:51:01,200 Speaker 1: Like there's no question about that. So I think that 1031 00:51:02,120 --> 00:51:04,479 Speaker 1: now more than ever, you know, my family can just 1032 00:51:04,479 --> 00:51:06,559 Speaker 1: look at me and say, you are the happiest you've 1033 00:51:06,560 --> 00:51:06,959 Speaker 1: ever been. 1034 00:51:07,680 --> 00:51:12,519 Speaker 2: Do you think from your relationship with your audience that 1035 00:51:14,279 --> 00:51:18,439 Speaker 2: there is almost like a loneliness epidemic or there is 1036 00:51:18,520 --> 00:51:21,879 Speaker 2: like this failure of connection in a way that you 1037 00:51:21,919 --> 00:51:27,759 Speaker 2: talk about growing up and that really close family environment. 1038 00:51:27,759 --> 00:51:29,519 Speaker 2: There are a lot of people who don't have that. 1039 00:51:29,719 --> 00:51:30,319 Speaker 1: You don't have that. 1040 00:51:30,439 --> 00:51:32,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, do you feel like we're getting further away. 1041 00:51:32,399 --> 00:51:35,239 Speaker 1: From Yes, I do. I do, And I think that 1042 00:51:36,239 --> 00:51:38,239 Speaker 1: at the same time that we're getting further away from it, 1043 00:51:38,239 --> 00:51:40,639 Speaker 1: you're seeing pockets of where it really works and why 1044 00:51:40,640 --> 00:51:43,200 Speaker 1: it does so well. So I talk about, for example, CrossFit. 1045 00:51:43,279 --> 00:51:46,319 Speaker 1: Why I think CrossFit is so successful, I personally don't 1046 00:51:46,359 --> 00:51:48,919 Speaker 1: do it, but why I think it's so successful is because, 1047 00:51:49,040 --> 00:51:50,359 Speaker 1: on top of the fact that it's a worker that 1048 00:51:50,399 --> 00:51:53,800 Speaker 1: people enjoy, it is very community centered. And I think 1049 00:51:53,959 --> 00:51:57,079 Speaker 1: that is the base of the success of CrossFit. When 1050 00:51:57,080 --> 00:51:59,239 Speaker 1: people go to a CrossFit gym, they find a family 1051 00:51:59,719 --> 00:52:03,479 Speaker 1: and people want community more than anything else, And people 1052 00:52:03,520 --> 00:52:05,639 Speaker 1: say we're more connected than never. No, we're not. It's 1053 00:52:05,640 --> 00:52:07,879 Speaker 1: a different kind of connection just because we've got email, 1054 00:52:07,919 --> 00:52:10,959 Speaker 1: we're not connected. I can just email you instead of 1055 00:52:11,000 --> 00:52:14,119 Speaker 1: sending you a letter. That's not the same. So we've 1056 00:52:14,160 --> 00:52:16,319 Speaker 1: got to look at it as if you look at 1057 00:52:16,640 --> 00:52:19,680 Speaker 1: legitimate communities where people are happy. So one thing we 1058 00:52:19,719 --> 00:52:22,680 Speaker 1: did at UNI was these longevity studies. Well I personally 1059 00:52:22,680 --> 00:52:24,960 Speaker 1: didn't do it, but my lecturer was very heavily involved 1060 00:52:24,959 --> 00:52:28,520 Speaker 1: in doing, you know, studying centenarians, especially within Australia, people 1061 00:52:28,520 --> 00:52:31,080 Speaker 1: that are older than a hundred And what made the 1062 00:52:31,160 --> 00:52:34,639 Speaker 1: really healthy old people so happy is they all had 1063 00:52:34,719 --> 00:52:38,200 Speaker 1: a community. They all had you know, they would all 1064 00:52:38,200 --> 00:52:41,640 Speaker 1: play cards every day together, or they still worked and 1065 00:52:41,640 --> 00:52:43,999 Speaker 1: then they would go and play that weird botchy ball thing. 1066 00:52:44,120 --> 00:52:48,799 Speaker 1: You know, they're just randomly involved in random activities with 1067 00:52:48,919 --> 00:52:54,239 Speaker 1: their friends and family is important, but you need a community. 1068 00:52:54,279 --> 00:52:57,279 Speaker 1: You need your friends because, especially when you're old, you 1069 00:52:57,319 --> 00:52:59,680 Speaker 1: don't want people visiting you because the grandkids should visit 1070 00:52:59,719 --> 00:53:02,640 Speaker 1: the You want people who you talk to about stuff 1071 00:53:02,680 --> 00:53:05,359 Speaker 1: that's relevant to you. I'm saying that you need to 1072 00:53:05,399 --> 00:53:08,439 Speaker 1: create a strong base of friends where you are a 1073 00:53:08,560 --> 00:53:12,200 Speaker 1: relevant player in the game. You know, where you're all relevant. 1074 00:53:12,239 --> 00:53:14,559 Speaker 1: So these old people that were still really sound of 1075 00:53:14,600 --> 00:53:16,959 Speaker 1: mind past the age of one hundred. They all had 1076 00:53:17,000 --> 00:53:20,879 Speaker 1: close friendships. They felt like they contributed to their community. 1077 00:53:21,319 --> 00:53:24,959 Speaker 1: They felt useful. And if you feel useful, if you 1078 00:53:25,000 --> 00:53:26,799 Speaker 1: feel that you are a part of something bigger than 1079 00:53:26,839 --> 00:53:29,959 Speaker 1: just you, that's where you feel connected and that's where 1080 00:53:30,000 --> 00:53:32,600 Speaker 1: you feel happy. So I think it's so important that 1081 00:53:32,600 --> 00:53:36,440 Speaker 1: we need to find our community in person in person, 1082 00:53:36,959 --> 00:53:40,239 Speaker 1: and you might not vibe of these people immediately, but 1083 00:53:40,319 --> 00:53:42,399 Speaker 1: you might meet an acquaintance you get along with, and 1084 00:53:42,439 --> 00:53:44,800 Speaker 1: then they meet and then eventually you're like, I actually 1085 00:53:44,879 --> 00:53:47,519 Speaker 1: have a really cool community here. But you have to 1086 00:53:47,520 --> 00:53:51,239 Speaker 1: put in the effort because the alternative is bleak. Feeling 1087 00:53:51,279 --> 00:53:54,239 Speaker 1: detached from connection is one of the hardest things to 1088 00:53:54,279 --> 00:53:54,639 Speaker 1: go through. 1089 00:53:55,200 --> 00:54:00,239 Speaker 2: Do you think some people misunderstand boundaries in a way 1090 00:54:00,319 --> 00:54:05,359 Speaker 2: that actually sets them up for living more isolated lives? Like, 1091 00:54:06,000 --> 00:54:09,879 Speaker 2: I think the way you talk about boundaries is very 1092 00:54:09,959 --> 00:54:14,319 Speaker 2: much being honest and upfront in a way that ultimately 1093 00:54:14,319 --> 00:54:18,680 Speaker 2: connects you with people. But I think sometimes people can 1094 00:54:19,040 --> 00:54:22,639 Speaker 2: look around and think, you know, that person's negative, that 1095 00:54:22,719 --> 00:54:26,399 Speaker 2: person irritates me. Sometimes I don't want any of them. 1096 00:54:27,120 --> 00:54:29,279 Speaker 2: Do you find that from people contacting you? 1097 00:54:29,799 --> 00:54:32,239 Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, I think some people think it's boundaries. I've 1098 00:54:32,239 --> 00:54:33,959 Speaker 1: created my list of boundaries, and then you know, I 1099 00:54:34,040 --> 00:54:36,200 Speaker 1: now have no friends. And the thing is, you've got 1100 00:54:36,239 --> 00:54:38,440 Speaker 1: to be really good at managing your expectations of people 1101 00:54:38,479 --> 00:54:41,759 Speaker 1: because we're all human. No one's perfect, and safe to 1102 00:54:41,799 --> 00:54:45,799 Speaker 1: say we ourselves are not perfect. For sure. We all 1103 00:54:45,879 --> 00:54:47,880 Speaker 1: come flawed and that's just part of the human experience. 1104 00:54:47,879 --> 00:54:49,439 Speaker 1: There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But you've got 1105 00:54:49,479 --> 00:54:51,960 Speaker 1: to be aware that you know, when you interact with people, 1106 00:54:52,319 --> 00:54:55,399 Speaker 1: your friends, there's gonna have things that grind your gears. 1107 00:54:55,759 --> 00:54:57,799 Speaker 1: If you say, this person's. 1108 00:54:57,359 --> 00:54:59,759 Speaker 3: Always late, I'm so annoyed, or I've got a friend 1109 00:55:00,160 --> 00:55:02,680 Speaker 3: and she always cancels on me. Is this is it 1110 00:55:02,719 --> 00:55:04,959 Speaker 3: bad if I end the friendship? And I said, well, 1111 00:55:04,959 --> 00:55:07,519 Speaker 3: what does the friendship provide you? I've personally got a 1112 00:55:07,520 --> 00:55:09,759 Speaker 3: friend and she will cancel nine out of ten times. 1113 00:55:10,359 --> 00:55:12,359 Speaker 3: Of ten times, the one time that we hang out, 1114 00:55:12,439 --> 00:55:13,559 Speaker 3: out of those ten, we. 1115 00:55:13,640 --> 00:55:17,039 Speaker 1: Have the best time. Yeah, the best time. So then 1116 00:55:17,080 --> 00:55:19,319 Speaker 1: I one day I used to get so annoyed about it, 1117 00:55:19,560 --> 00:55:22,160 Speaker 1: but then I thought, I can't affought to lose her. 1118 00:55:22,200 --> 00:55:24,319 Speaker 1: She's such a good time. I really have so much 1119 00:55:24,319 --> 00:55:25,799 Speaker 1: fun with her. I mean tears of laughter every time 1120 00:55:25,839 --> 00:55:28,160 Speaker 1: I see her. So why don't I just manage my expectations? 1121 00:55:28,200 --> 00:55:30,719 Speaker 1: Because I could say my boundary is that no one's 1122 00:55:30,719 --> 00:55:32,839 Speaker 1: got and then cut her out. I could do that, 1123 00:55:33,359 --> 00:55:35,759 Speaker 1: but I'm like, what a loss that would be? So 1124 00:55:35,799 --> 00:55:38,879 Speaker 1: she's a flake. I've now managed my expectations. I understand 1125 00:55:38,919 --> 00:55:40,999 Speaker 1: she's a flake. I'm not going to rely on her 1126 00:55:41,080 --> 00:55:43,519 Speaker 1: like i'd rely on my best friend. I can make 1127 00:55:43,560 --> 00:55:45,759 Speaker 1: that clear because if I was to say, well, I'm 1128 00:55:45,799 --> 00:55:48,839 Speaker 1: relying on you, I'm setting myself up for disappointment because 1129 00:55:48,959 --> 00:55:51,839 Speaker 1: she's shown me through a pattern of behavior what she's like. 1130 00:55:52,319 --> 00:55:56,080 Speaker 1: It's my mistake to expect something else from her. So 1131 00:55:56,200 --> 00:55:58,600 Speaker 1: if I say, okay, she's probably going to flake. So 1132 00:55:58,640 --> 00:56:01,279 Speaker 1: I'll keep the window open, but I'll have an alternative 1133 00:56:01,279 --> 00:56:03,160 Speaker 1: plan that if she flakes, then it's not a waste, 1134 00:56:03,200 --> 00:56:05,120 Speaker 1: so I can do something in the area. I can whatever. 1135 00:56:05,160 --> 00:56:07,239 Speaker 1: And so that's what I do now, and then when 1136 00:56:07,239 --> 00:56:08,839 Speaker 1: we hang out, we have a ball and then when 1137 00:56:08,839 --> 00:56:11,319 Speaker 1: she flakes, I'm like, I saw that. It's fine. Yeah, 1138 00:56:11,759 --> 00:56:14,999 Speaker 1: And I've maintained a great friendship with her. She's not 1139 00:56:15,040 --> 00:56:17,520 Speaker 1: one of my best friends, but we have. It's awesome, 1140 00:56:17,560 --> 00:56:19,439 Speaker 1: and we've been friends for ten years. It's a case 1141 00:56:19,479 --> 00:56:22,279 Speaker 1: by case basis as well. You manage your expectations based 1142 00:56:22,359 --> 00:56:24,879 Speaker 1: on a pattern of behavior, based on their character and 1143 00:56:25,000 --> 00:56:27,799 Speaker 1: what they've shown you. And I think that when you 1144 00:56:27,879 --> 00:56:30,439 Speaker 1: do that, you can become so much happier. Things don't 1145 00:56:30,479 --> 00:56:32,999 Speaker 1: affect you as much. Don't try and control other people 1146 00:56:33,040 --> 00:56:35,200 Speaker 1: because you're never going to be able to anyway control 1147 00:56:35,239 --> 00:56:37,879 Speaker 1: how you react to certain things. Be a bit more 1148 00:56:37,919 --> 00:56:39,839 Speaker 1: carefree about it. It's not the end of the world. 1149 00:56:39,959 --> 00:56:42,560 Speaker 1: And then these little quirks end up being just quirks 1150 00:56:42,640 --> 00:56:45,039 Speaker 1: and not this is a deal breaker. And then you're 1151 00:56:45,080 --> 00:56:47,959 Speaker 1: cutting everyone out, left, right and center because they did 1152 00:56:48,040 --> 00:56:50,600 Speaker 1: one thing that you wouldn't do. But people aren't in 1153 00:56:50,600 --> 00:56:53,879 Speaker 1: your head. What offends you might not offend them. For them, 1154 00:56:53,919 --> 00:56:55,640 Speaker 1: maybe flaking is not a big deal, but for you 1155 00:56:55,719 --> 00:56:57,919 Speaker 1: it is. So you've got to always look at it like, 1156 00:56:58,359 --> 00:57:00,599 Speaker 1: there's very few things that are deal breakers where I'll 1157 00:57:00,600 --> 00:57:03,279 Speaker 1: cut someone out forever, very few things, you know, and 1158 00:57:03,319 --> 00:57:05,399 Speaker 1: you've got to understand what those non negotiables are for 1159 00:57:05,479 --> 00:57:08,680 Speaker 1: you individually. But apart from that, everything can be managed. 1160 00:57:08,719 --> 00:57:11,759 Speaker 2: I think I love that. I think it's really important 1161 00:57:12,200 --> 00:57:15,479 Speaker 2: given that we know that connection is probably the most 1162 00:57:15,479 --> 00:57:20,479 Speaker 2: important part of achieving happiness. Thank you so much for 1163 00:57:20,520 --> 00:57:23,080 Speaker 2: your time today. I really appreciate it. It was a 1164 00:57:23,120 --> 00:57:23,599 Speaker 2: great chat. 1165 00:57:23,640 --> 00:57:24,479 Speaker 1: Thank you. I loved that. 1166 00:57:29,800 --> 00:57:33,079 Speaker 2: Honestly, I got so much more from that conversation than 1167 00:57:33,080 --> 00:57:36,280 Speaker 2: I expected. I think you could hear at the beginning 1168 00:57:36,479 --> 00:57:38,640 Speaker 2: that anything that sounds slightly. 1169 00:57:38,320 --> 00:57:39,720 Speaker 1: Woo wo gets me nervous. 1170 00:57:40,320 --> 00:57:44,840 Speaker 2: But what Alexis says about manifestation and our mindset tangibly 1171 00:57:44,880 --> 00:57:48,360 Speaker 2: affecting the world we build for ourselves is very true. 1172 00:57:49,240 --> 00:57:52,560 Speaker 2: I thought a lot about that idea afterwards, because probably 1173 00:57:53,000 --> 00:57:55,760 Speaker 2: one of my biggest challenges is that I feel like 1174 00:57:56,360 --> 00:58:00,039 Speaker 2: I can be quite a negative person, and it undoubtedly 1175 00:58:00,120 --> 00:58:03,200 Speaker 2: changes the way I see everything in my life and 1176 00:58:03,240 --> 00:58:08,039 Speaker 2: probably becomes self fulfilling. I'm so glad Alexis shared so 1177 00:58:08,160 --> 00:58:12,200 Speaker 2: much about her own life and experiences. She's full of energy, 1178 00:58:12,240 --> 00:58:14,360 Speaker 2: and she's the kind of person who you know would 1179 00:58:14,400 --> 00:58:17,240 Speaker 2: be a really good friend and supportive person to have 1180 00:58:17,320 --> 00:58:21,840 Speaker 2: around you. I literally want to set her advice on 1181 00:58:21,959 --> 00:58:24,599 Speaker 2: boundaries as my alarm, so I listen to it at 1182 00:58:24,600 --> 00:58:28,599 Speaker 2: the beginning of every single day. I've also been thinking 1183 00:58:28,600 --> 00:58:31,440 Speaker 2: a lot about travel and what it does to our brains, 1184 00:58:31,439 --> 00:58:35,559 Speaker 2: and I'm so Glad Alexis confirmed it. There's something profoundly 1185 00:58:35,880 --> 00:58:39,800 Speaker 2: rejuvenating about travel, and I'm personally never happier than when 1186 00:58:39,840 --> 00:58:43,599 Speaker 2: I'm traveling. I think it's because it demands the eb 1187 00:58:43,720 --> 00:58:47,119 Speaker 2: present and probably also reminds us how small we are 1188 00:58:47,400 --> 00:58:50,880 Speaker 2: in the scheme of things, which is ultimately quite liberating. 1189 00:58:51,600 --> 00:58:54,000 Speaker 2: I love learning more about the science of happiness because 1190 00:58:54,080 --> 00:58:57,320 Speaker 2: every time I do it, it confirms something that I 1191 00:58:57,360 --> 00:59:00,079 Speaker 2: feel in my gut, which is that the world lies 1192 00:59:00,120 --> 00:59:03,960 Speaker 2: to us about happiness. Happiness isn't simple. It's a habit 1193 00:59:04,240 --> 00:59:08,000 Speaker 2: and a practice, and it's something we don't learn enough about. 1194 00:59:09,160 --> 00:59:11,520 Speaker 2: In just a few weeks, I'll be bringing you season 1195 00:59:11,600 --> 00:59:14,400 Speaker 2: four of But Are You Happy, and I cannot wait 1196 00:59:14,479 --> 00:59:17,400 Speaker 2: for you to hear these conversations. There is so much 1197 00:59:17,479 --> 00:59:21,880 Speaker 2: vulnerability in this next season, but also really profound lessons. 1198 00:59:22,240 --> 00:59:25,720 Speaker 2: Lessons in failure, lessons in coping, lessons in how to 1199 00:59:25,800 --> 00:59:30,400 Speaker 2: live a deeper, more fulfilling, and hopefully happier life. You're 1200 00:59:30,439 --> 00:59:33,439 Speaker 2: going to hear from people like Amy Shark, Missy Higgins, 1201 00:59:33,560 --> 00:59:38,400 Speaker 2: Steph Tisdall, Harry Garside, and so many more in the meantime. 1202 00:59:38,560 --> 00:59:41,120 Speaker 2: Off the back of this episode, I implore you to 1203 00:59:41,160 --> 00:59:43,639 Speaker 2: go break up with an arcsist and put yourself out 1204 00:59:43,680 --> 00:59:45,919 Speaker 2: there and make a new friend. Let me know how 1205 00:59:45,919 --> 00:59:49,600 Speaker 2: it goes. The executive producer of But Are You Happy 1206 00:59:49,800 --> 00:59:53,880 Speaker 2: is Niama Brown. Our producer is Tarlie Blackman. Our audio 1207 00:59:53,880 --> 00:59:57,240 Speaker 2: producer is Tom Lyon. I'm Clare Stevens and I'll be 1208 00:59:57,280 --> 00:59:59,199 Speaker 2: back in your ears again very soon