WEBVTT - Chloé Hayden Knows the Cost of Being the Autistic Woman Everyone Looks To 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:04.640 Queenie was incredible for who she is. But Queennie was 0:00:04.720 --> 0:00:09.080 only one representation of autism, and she was an extremely 0:00:09.160 --> 0:00:12.840 palatable version of autism. She was very manic, pixie dream 0:00:12.880 --> 0:00:15.960 girl autism. She was very cute, and she was very quirky, 0:00:16.040 --> 0:00:18.000 and she wasn't controversial, and she. 0:00:18.000 --> 0:00:20.440 Was very sweet, and that's palatable. 0:00:20.800 --> 0:00:24.919 So it's an easy, digestible way for people to go okay, 0:00:25.400 --> 0:00:28.479 I can accept autism. 0:00:28.840 --> 0:00:32.000 For most of her childhood, Chloe Hayden felt like she 0:00:32.040 --> 0:00:36.520 didn't belong anywhere. She was bullied at school, moved through 0:00:36.600 --> 0:00:40.879 ten different schools, and struggled to exist in environments that 0:00:41.000 --> 0:00:46.280 simply didn't understand her. When she was diagnosed as autistic 0:00:46.320 --> 0:00:50.240 at thirteen, it helped explain a lifetime of feeling different, 0:00:50.680 --> 0:00:53.800 But at the time, there were almost no conversations about 0:00:53.840 --> 0:00:58.320 neurodivergence and certainly no one she could look to who 0:00:58.520 --> 0:01:03.360 felt like her. Today, Chloe has become that person for 0:01:03.520 --> 0:01:08.039 millions of others through her role in Netflix's Heartbreak High 0:01:08.120 --> 0:01:11.080 and her advocacy online. She's become one of the most 0:01:11.200 --> 0:01:15.520 visible autistic women in the world. But becoming a voice 0:01:15.560 --> 0:01:19.679 for others comes with its own pressure. Today, on No Filter, 0:01:20.480 --> 0:01:23.400 Chloe Hayden joins me to talk about the cost of 0:01:23.440 --> 0:01:29.560 being the autistic woman everyone looks to. Chloe Hayden, Welcome 0:01:29.560 --> 0:01:30.280 to No Filter. 0:01:30.640 --> 0:01:31.399 Thanks for having me. 0:01:31.800 --> 0:01:37.000 Well, I think it's like a perfect it's a perfect 0:01:37.120 --> 0:01:41.360 venue for you. I think because you have lived your 0:01:41.400 --> 0:01:46.680 life being seen and kind of divesting yourself of things 0:01:46.720 --> 0:01:49.520 that at one point in your life I gather held 0:01:49.560 --> 0:01:55.080 you back or were not understood. How did you start 0:01:55.640 --> 0:02:01.400 to go, I'm not gonna hide things or mask things, 0:02:01.520 --> 0:02:06.040 or I'm going to strip myself bare and see what happens. 0:02:06.440 --> 0:02:07.800 Oh. 0:02:08.000 --> 0:02:10.919 I feel like there's maybe two parts to this. First 0:02:10.960 --> 0:02:13.920 of all, despite the fact that I knew for my 0:02:14.320 --> 0:02:18.480 entire life that I was different, and also was told 0:02:18.600 --> 0:02:23.519 by from my entire life that I was different by friends, 0:02:23.560 --> 0:02:26.680 like other kids and peers and teachers, and growing ups 0:02:26.720 --> 0:02:28.240 in my life, I had everyone told me that I 0:02:28.280 --> 0:02:29.680 was different and that different was wrong. 0:02:29.760 --> 0:02:31.480 But my family. 0:02:32.680 --> 0:02:35.760 Always told me that my difference was magic and that 0:02:35.919 --> 0:02:38.840 I was incredible because I was different. And so despite 0:02:38.840 --> 0:02:43.000 the fact that everyone in my outer circle made it 0:02:43.040 --> 0:02:45.760 seem like it was a bad thing, I never actually 0:02:45.800 --> 0:02:48.400 believed that I couldn't achieve whatever I wanted because my 0:02:48.480 --> 0:02:51.600 family have always been my biggest cheerleader, and so I 0:02:51.600 --> 0:02:52.320 think I. 0:02:52.280 --> 0:02:53.959 Owe a lot to them, and I owe a lot 0:02:53.960 --> 0:02:55.240 of the. 0:02:55.280 --> 0:02:57.639 Fact that I have felt like I've been able to 0:02:57.680 --> 0:03:01.480 step out and just like take the world is because 0:03:01.520 --> 0:03:02.840 I was never told I couldn't. 0:03:04.600 --> 0:03:06.320 And then I think the first time that. 0:03:06.200 --> 0:03:11.880 Really properly showcased itself is when I was thirteen and 0:03:12.120 --> 0:03:16.000 I got diagnosed with autism. I went and I googled it, 0:03:17.080 --> 0:03:21.880 and the only things that showed up were resources for 0:03:22.000 --> 0:03:25.520 parents that were suffering because their child was autistic and 0:03:25.680 --> 0:03:30.520 curious for autism. And so when I didn't see anyone 0:03:30.600 --> 0:03:32.800 that was positively advocating Dustin. 0:03:32.480 --> 0:03:34.520 Hoffman, Didustin Hoffman pop up? 0:03:34.680 --> 0:03:38.200 Oh, but the whole kit and caboodle popped up? I had. 0:03:38.280 --> 0:03:40.400 I saw an ad pop up that at the time 0:03:40.520 --> 0:03:43.600 was still playing in America that the monologue in the 0:03:43.600 --> 0:03:46.800 background was, I am autism. I will ruin your family. 0:03:47.240 --> 0:03:49.040 If you were scared of me, you should be. It 0:03:49.120 --> 0:03:51.640 was still playing in America that when I was diagnosed, 0:03:51.680 --> 0:03:55.960 and so I went, I'm not accepting that for us, 0:03:56.120 --> 0:03:58.280 and I started talking about it. 0:03:58.640 --> 0:04:01.400 And that's kind of the first was that when you 0:04:01.440 --> 0:04:02.640 started the YouTube thing. 0:04:02.840 --> 0:04:06.960 So I actually started an anonymous blog first, and then 0:04:07.200 --> 0:04:09.920 I had a lot of people reaching out to me saying, 0:04:10.800 --> 0:04:14.640 can you make a YouTube on this because my kid 0:04:14.720 --> 0:04:17.840 needs to read this and they struggle with reading, or 0:04:18.520 --> 0:04:21.240 they need to be able to read lips or something 0:04:21.320 --> 0:04:27.000 like that. And so I went un anonymous and started 0:04:27.000 --> 0:04:29.280 posting my face on YouTube and that kind of is 0:04:29.400 --> 0:04:32.680 the start of everything and how and why I am 0:04:32.760 --> 0:04:33.640 sitting here today. 0:04:33.880 --> 0:04:37.000 You know, how you talk about your family and the 0:04:38.000 --> 0:04:40.800 you know, the way that you were seeing within the 0:04:40.839 --> 0:04:43.520 family which was kind of different to the external world. 0:04:45.000 --> 0:04:47.200 What was the nature of your family, like, what was 0:04:47.240 --> 0:04:49.479 the makeup of your family and what role did you 0:04:49.560 --> 0:04:51.479 play within the family that was different? 0:04:52.200 --> 0:04:53.080 Oh? 0:04:53.120 --> 0:04:57.120 Okay, so I have a pretty big family. I'm the 0:04:57.400 --> 0:05:01.719 oldest of four siblings. I've got but two brothers, two sisters, 0:05:02.080 --> 0:05:05.679 two biological to adopted from Taiwan, and I'm the oldest. 0:05:07.160 --> 0:05:09.680 My mum and dad have both recently been diagnosed as 0:05:09.720 --> 0:05:13.000 nurotivergent as well, which makes a lot of sense. How 0:05:13.040 --> 0:05:18.880 recently in the last twelve months, Oh really both of them? 0:05:18.920 --> 0:05:22.800 And like with an overlap, is are they do? They 0:05:22.839 --> 0:05:26.200 live in a ben diagram together with their diagnosis or 0:05:26.520 --> 0:05:28.080 different parts of spectrum or. 0:05:28.640 --> 0:05:33.800 So my mom is diagnosed ADHD, I'm pretty sure she's 0:05:33.920 --> 0:05:34.680 autistic too. 0:05:35.800 --> 0:05:38.960 I'll diagnose her Chloe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0:05:39.000 --> 0:05:43.479 And then my dad is autistic ADHD. And it's so 0:05:43.600 --> 0:05:47.719 funny because growing up, my dad was always like, she's 0:05:47.760 --> 0:05:50.360 not weird. I do that, And I was like, yeah, yeah, 0:05:50.720 --> 0:05:53.120 I know, I know. Like I remember growing up, my 0:05:53.240 --> 0:05:56.920 dad used to try to like help my autism. And 0:05:57.000 --> 0:06:00.360 so whenever we would go to the show or a 0:06:00.400 --> 0:06:03.200 petrol station or pick up my siblings from school, he'd 0:06:03.200 --> 0:06:04.760 make me be the one that went in and paid 0:06:04.839 --> 0:06:06.320 or went in and collected from the school. And he 0:06:06.480 --> 0:06:09.120 always said, I'm doing this for you. I'm doing this 0:06:09.160 --> 0:06:11.600 so you can learn how to function in society. However, 0:06:11.760 --> 0:06:14.120 I knew for a damn fact that man was just 0:06:14.200 --> 0:06:15.880 using that as an excuse because he didn't want to 0:06:15.920 --> 0:06:17.920 go in and interact with way. And so when he 0:06:17.960 --> 0:06:21.360 got diagnosed in his fifties. 0:06:22.279 --> 0:06:23.440 It wasn't a shock to anyone. 0:06:24.000 --> 0:06:26.839 Was a shocked to him. 0:06:27.040 --> 0:06:29.640 I think, look, I think that's his story to tell. 0:06:29.920 --> 0:06:34.320 But I know that being a fifty year old man 0:06:34.400 --> 0:06:38.800 and growing up in the society that fifty year old men. 0:06:39.360 --> 0:06:40.000 Grew up in. 0:06:40.279 --> 0:06:43.920 Right, Yes, I think there was a lot of grief 0:06:43.960 --> 0:06:47.440 that came with not knowing, But I don't think he 0:06:47.560 --> 0:06:48.800 was shocked. 0:06:49.920 --> 0:06:51.800 I think, well, there was something in him that made 0:06:51.920 --> 0:06:53.080 him explore it. 0:06:53.520 --> 0:06:56.960 And we've always been so close and we've always related 0:06:57.040 --> 0:07:00.560 so much on everything, So I think, you know, he 0:07:00.600 --> 0:07:02.400 always and he's always said, you know, you got your 0:07:02.400 --> 0:07:03.160 EADHD from your. 0:07:03.120 --> 0:07:04.880 Mum, you got your autogym from it, right, We've always 0:07:04.960 --> 0:07:05.640 dreamt about that. 0:07:05.760 --> 0:07:11.200 So when you say like that you were different, and 0:07:11.280 --> 0:07:14.880 I do, I think one of my favorite things is 0:07:14.960 --> 0:07:21.840 when difference moves from being something that's othered in a 0:07:21.880 --> 0:07:26.640 negative way to actually being celebrated by the person and 0:07:26.800 --> 0:07:33.680 by the world at large. It's an extraordinary period of 0:07:33.760 --> 0:07:37.120 growth and celebration for everyone. I think. And this has 0:07:37.280 --> 0:07:39.640 been the story of your life so far and will 0:07:39.680 --> 0:07:43.800 continue to be. But when you say you were different, 0:07:43.920 --> 0:07:47.560 how did the difference manifest itself? And bear in mind 0:07:47.600 --> 0:07:50.800 we're talking about a time where, particularly for young girls, 0:07:50.920 --> 0:07:55.080 young women, there was not so much diagnosis of autism. 0:07:55.560 --> 0:08:01.040 No, and also being different was social exclusion. You were 0:08:01.080 --> 0:08:04.120 not allowed to be different. As a twelve year old 0:08:04.200 --> 0:08:07.200 girl being different with social suicide. 0:08:08.080 --> 0:08:10.160 But I've known I was different my whole But in 0:08:10.240 --> 0:08:11.640 what why were you different? 0:08:12.040 --> 0:08:16.920 Because there's something about particularly teenage girls where they like 0:08:17.000 --> 0:08:20.840 to be in lockstep. Yeah you know, same close, same whatever, 0:08:20.920 --> 0:08:23.120 same reaction. If someone tells a joke, you look at 0:08:23.120 --> 0:08:26.680 your girlfriends first to say how they respond before you decide, Yeah, 0:08:26.720 --> 0:08:28.400 how were you in all. 0:08:28.240 --> 0:08:29.400 Of those ways you described? 0:08:29.440 --> 0:08:32.320 I dressed different, I spoke different, I acted different, and 0:08:32.360 --> 0:08:34.640 I did everything in my power to try not to be. 0:08:35.600 --> 0:08:38.120 I think the reason why I'm such a good actor 0:08:38.160 --> 0:08:39.960 is because I had to do it my entire life. 0:08:41.120 --> 0:08:44.280 There was I would watch YouTubers, and there would be 0:08:44.360 --> 0:08:46.960 YouTubers that I thought were really really cool, and I 0:08:47.000 --> 0:08:51.920 could mask and mimic their personalities so well that I 0:08:51.960 --> 0:08:54.680 would have so many people come up to me and 0:08:54.720 --> 0:08:56.720 be like, oh my god, you remind me so much 0:08:56.760 --> 0:08:59.120 of enter the exact YouTuber that I was mimicking. And 0:08:59.120 --> 0:09:00.840 I'd be like, oh my god, that it's crazy. I've 0:09:00.840 --> 0:09:01.520 never even. 0:09:01.320 --> 0:09:04.360 Heard of them before. Wow, And it'd been a study 0:09:04.640 --> 0:09:04.880 for you. 0:09:05.240 --> 0:09:05.520 Yeah. 0:09:05.640 --> 0:09:08.679 I would watch them, and I would watch the way 0:09:08.720 --> 0:09:10.559 that they moved their hands when they spoke or moved 0:09:10.559 --> 0:09:12.280 to the head when they spoke, or they're like very 0:09:12.400 --> 0:09:16.480 really really specific intonations on words, And I would go 0:09:16.559 --> 0:09:20.320 to the mirror and I would copy it exactly, and 0:09:20.360 --> 0:09:23.640 I would film myself and copy it exactly. I studied 0:09:23.640 --> 0:09:26.520 it so hard because I knew that these people were liked, 0:09:26.559 --> 0:09:30.080 and I know that Chloe, as my genuine self, was 0:09:30.120 --> 0:09:32.000 not liked, and so I knew that the only way 0:09:32.040 --> 0:09:33.920 that it could survive in this world was by copying 0:09:33.960 --> 0:09:36.320 other people. And that's how I learned how to survive. 0:09:36.679 --> 0:09:39.240 And that's how you learned to be an actor. Yeah, 0:09:39.320 --> 0:09:40.160 that's incredible. 0:09:41.320 --> 0:09:44.520 Once again, what looks like a hindrance and looks like 0:09:44.520 --> 0:09:46.920 a liability has turned out to be an assey. 0:09:47.480 --> 0:09:50.640 Yeah, I guess in disguise. Yeah, for sure. I think. 0:09:50.720 --> 0:09:53.920 Look, maybe it's kind of toxic positivity. But for myself 0:09:53.920 --> 0:09:56.000 and for my story, I believe that everything happens for 0:09:56.040 --> 0:09:58.160 a reason, And a lot of the stories and a 0:09:58.160 --> 0:10:00.600 lot of the pages in my story I would rip 0:10:00.640 --> 0:10:02.200 out in a heartbeat if I could, but I can't, 0:10:02.200 --> 0:10:03.400 and that's not the way that the world works, and 0:10:03.440 --> 0:10:05.600 that's not the way that my story works. So I've 0:10:05.640 --> 0:10:07.200 got these pages, and so I might as well do 0:10:07.240 --> 0:10:08.160 something positive with them. 0:10:08.720 --> 0:10:15.320 And so what made your parents take you and start 0:10:15.400 --> 0:10:18.839 that process of that ended up in you getting diagnosed 0:10:18.840 --> 0:10:19.600 as autistic. 0:10:20.000 --> 0:10:23.800 So I had a lot of struggles at school. I 0:10:24.040 --> 0:10:28.480 had been in maybe like ten schools by the time 0:10:28.520 --> 0:10:31.640 I was in year eight. That's amazing, it's a lot. 0:10:32.720 --> 0:10:36.600 I got bullied really really horrifically by students and by teachers, 0:10:36.920 --> 0:10:40.640 and was getting in trouble all the time and was 0:10:40.720 --> 0:10:43.880 just really really struggling. And the older I got, the 0:10:43.920 --> 0:10:47.680 more that those struggles became obvious. And it was my 0:10:47.760 --> 0:10:50.160 English teacher in year eight that called my parents in 0:10:50.679 --> 0:10:52.880 and said, I think there might be something wrong with 0:10:52.920 --> 0:10:59.200 your daughter. And she showed them my school work, and 0:10:59.280 --> 0:11:03.640 she showed them my school reports and my locker and 0:11:03.679 --> 0:11:06.000 how messy it was and how disorganized it was, and 0:11:06.040 --> 0:11:08.280 said she she doesn't have friends, she doesn't play with anyone. 0:11:08.360 --> 0:11:12.800 She hides in like the corner every single day at lunchtime. 0:11:12.880 --> 0:11:16.720 She doesn't interact with people. She's just not at the 0:11:16.760 --> 0:11:18.880 same standard that the other kids are. I think there 0:11:18.960 --> 0:11:23.000 might be something wrong with her. And initially I went 0:11:23.040 --> 0:11:25.680 and I got AMRI scans done on my brain because 0:11:26.679 --> 0:11:30.520 I have a pony who is literally the spawn of Satan. 0:11:30.440 --> 0:11:31.880 And I have. 0:11:32.360 --> 0:11:34.040 I had owned her for about a year at that point, 0:11:34.080 --> 0:11:35.559 and in that year of owning her, I think she'd 0:11:35.559 --> 0:11:40.640 given me about eight concussions. And my parents thought that 0:11:40.920 --> 0:11:44.760 I had brain damage because how many times have been 0:11:44.800 --> 0:11:47.120 thrown off my pony. I also was really really sick 0:11:47.160 --> 0:11:50.200 as a baby, and they thought that maybe that sickness 0:11:50.760 --> 0:11:54.559 had again changed my brain, and so they did AMRI test. 0:11:54.360 --> 0:11:55.720 First and they all came back normal. 0:11:56.360 --> 0:12:00.079 And then I went to a psychiatrist and started the 0:12:00.120 --> 0:12:05.040 process of getting diagnosed with autism. And she said pretty quickly, 0:12:05.080 --> 0:12:06.960 you know, we know that she's autistic, we just have 0:12:07.000 --> 0:12:09.880 to go through the formal testing now. And so I 0:12:09.880 --> 0:12:13.439 think it was maybe six weeks worth of testing, and 0:12:13.720 --> 0:12:15.960 after the last appointment, my mom walked out with my 0:12:16.040 --> 0:12:20.800 paperwork in this really big book that was like a 0:12:20.840 --> 0:12:24.920 full Bible, and autism right, and yeah, that's that's kind 0:12:24.920 --> 0:12:26.160 of how it happens. 0:12:26.559 --> 0:12:34.240 So that's amazing because these many amazing people in that story. 0:12:34.520 --> 0:12:38.959 One of them is your English teacher, who, in those 0:12:38.960 --> 0:12:41.280 eight years of schooling, was the first person. 0:12:41.880 --> 0:12:43.839 She was part of the reason why I got the diagnosis. 0:12:43.840 --> 0:12:48.199 But she wasn't a very kind woman. Okay, so she 0:12:48.280 --> 0:12:50.440 wasn't going I think we should help her. She was going, 0:12:50.480 --> 0:12:53.040 there's something wrong with her. We can't do anything for her. 0:12:53.640 --> 0:12:55.640 I did, however, have one teacher when I was in 0:12:55.720 --> 0:12:58.760 year four, and her name was Wendy, and she I 0:12:58.800 --> 0:13:02.079 always talk about sidekicks and how in our stories were 0:13:02.120 --> 0:13:04.240 our main characters, but every single story has to have 0:13:04.280 --> 0:13:06.400 a sidekick, and sometimes the sidekicks are actually the most 0:13:06.400 --> 0:13:07.280 important characters. 0:13:08.040 --> 0:13:09.120 And my biggest. 0:13:08.760 --> 0:13:12.160 Sidekick growing up was my year four teacher, Wendy, and 0:13:12.200 --> 0:13:14.920 she knew I was different, but she saw that difference 0:13:14.960 --> 0:13:18.080 as a positive thing, and she never tried to change me. 0:13:18.800 --> 0:13:21.480 She saw what I struggled with, and she saw what 0:13:21.600 --> 0:13:24.080 I was really good at, and she focused on what 0:13:24.120 --> 0:13:25.760 I was good at, and she supported me with what 0:13:25.800 --> 0:13:28.600 I struggled with. Every single lunchtime, she knew how much 0:13:28.640 --> 0:13:30.640 I hated lunchtime because I would just get bullied by 0:13:30.679 --> 0:13:32.600 all of the other kids, and she would let me 0:13:32.640 --> 0:13:34.560 hang out with her and we would call it together, 0:13:34.720 --> 0:13:37.040 and she would bring her border Coolie in every day. 0:13:37.160 --> 0:13:39.960 The animals such, yeah, animals are so important to me. 0:13:40.840 --> 0:13:45.320 During assignments, she would let me do my history assignments 0:13:45.360 --> 0:13:49.040 on Titanic because that's what my special interest is. She 0:13:49.080 --> 0:13:51.439 would let me just yap to her for hours about 0:13:51.440 --> 0:13:55.000 horses and about Titanic and about dolphins and about the ocean. 0:13:55.080 --> 0:13:58.560 And she encouraged every single part of me that made 0:13:58.559 --> 0:14:00.400 me good and didn't care about the part to me 0:14:00.520 --> 0:14:04.240 that weren't good. And I owe so much of who 0:14:04.240 --> 0:14:05.120 I am now to her. 0:14:05.520 --> 0:14:09.080 That's extraordinary. But there must have been a part of 0:14:09.080 --> 0:14:13.240 you if you go forward from year four and windy 0:14:14.559 --> 0:14:19.880 to wanting an explanation yourself. So when you had the Mriyes, 0:14:20.680 --> 0:14:22.280 was there a part of you that went, maybe it 0:14:22.360 --> 0:14:26.160 is the falling from the pony, even though you must 0:14:26.200 --> 0:14:29.600 have always known because you'd lived inside yourself. Yeah, but 0:14:29.680 --> 0:14:31.560 it wasn't that, Yeah. 0:14:31.280 --> 0:14:33.480 For sure. I think it's interesting. 0:14:33.640 --> 0:14:36.720 I have so many parents that talk to me now saying, oh, 0:14:36.800 --> 0:14:38.920 my kids just been diagnosed autistic, but I'm not going 0:14:38.960 --> 0:14:41.560 to tell them, And that's always so bizarre to me 0:14:41.680 --> 0:14:44.480 because humans label things. It's what we do because we're 0:14:44.520 --> 0:14:46.520 all stupid and have little monkey pea breeds, and we 0:14:46.560 --> 0:14:49.960 need to label things to feel comfortable with them. And 0:14:50.000 --> 0:14:53.400 people are scared of having a label of autism because 0:14:53.440 --> 0:14:56.680 they think that you have now labeled something. But what 0:14:56.760 --> 0:15:00.680 they don't understand is that we label everything, and your 0:15:00.800 --> 0:15:04.120 child may not be labeled autistic, but to their peers, 0:15:04.400 --> 0:15:06.640 they're going to be labeled as something else, and it's 0:15:06.680 --> 0:15:09.120 going to be a word that isn't kind. Yeah, So 0:15:09.320 --> 0:15:12.560 changing that label to one that actually has diagnostic value 0:15:12.760 --> 0:15:15.320 and that they can actually understand and that they can 0:15:15.440 --> 0:15:18.480 learn better about their brain and how they function throughout 0:15:18.520 --> 0:15:21.560 the world is so so important because they're going to 0:15:21.600 --> 0:15:23.320 have an autistic brain from the day that they're born 0:15:23.400 --> 0:15:25.480 to the day that they die. The best thing you 0:15:25.520 --> 0:15:27.480 can do for them is have that diagnosis and have 0:15:27.520 --> 0:15:29.520 that understanding so that they can better move throughout the 0:15:29.520 --> 0:15:32.520 world not thinking that they're a broken, normal person, but 0:15:32.560 --> 0:15:34.080 they're a perfect autistic person. 0:15:36.080 --> 0:15:40.160 Coming up next, Chloe talks about the bullying she endured 0:15:40.160 --> 0:15:45.200 at school and how deeply it affected her. When you 0:15:45.280 --> 0:15:51.560 were in the process of being bullied, how did you 0:15:52.560 --> 0:15:53.320 cope with that? 0:15:54.240 --> 0:15:55.200 I struggled a lot. 0:15:56.440 --> 0:15:59.440 I had an eating disorder from the time I was twelve, 0:16:00.440 --> 0:16:01.600 and I struggled with that. 0:16:01.640 --> 0:16:04.400 For more than a decade. 0:16:05.760 --> 0:16:08.760 Boy nearly killed me. Like I'm not going to sit 0:16:08.800 --> 0:16:10.440 here and be like, you know it's water. If it 0:16:10.520 --> 0:16:13.600 ducks back and you know it wasn't it sucked. I 0:16:13.640 --> 0:16:17.640 wouldn't wish that on anyone. The fact that I'm still 0:16:17.680 --> 0:16:20.440 alive today is because I had a support network, and 0:16:20.520 --> 0:16:22.560 I had a home that I could go home to 0:16:22.680 --> 0:16:24.760 that was safe and that supported me, and that I 0:16:24.800 --> 0:16:26.960 knew that I was going to be loved because of 0:16:26.960 --> 0:16:28.800 who I am and not because of who I wasn't. 0:16:30.280 --> 0:16:33.680 I found so much comfort in my animals, horses. 0:16:33.800 --> 0:16:35.600 I truly think horses, say. 0:16:35.720 --> 0:16:38.160 Even the spawn of Satan, more than anything. 0:16:38.360 --> 0:16:40.720 I still have that pony my dad liked threat to 0:16:40.760 --> 0:16:42.880 send her to the glue factory so many times, Marley. 0:16:43.520 --> 0:16:47.600 And she's twenty now and she's she chases people with 0:16:47.680 --> 0:16:53.040 her teeth bed and she has like is thrown off 0:16:53.360 --> 0:16:57.320 champion horse riders. And I love her more like that's 0:16:57.320 --> 0:17:03.440 my biological child. I love her so much because I 0:17:03.480 --> 0:17:06.320 actually think she's a lot like me. Because and I 0:17:06.400 --> 0:17:09.400 think she's I actually think she's really cool because she's 0:17:09.400 --> 0:17:11.439 not gonna let people walk all over her. You have 0:17:11.520 --> 0:17:12.879 to respect her and you have to see her as 0:17:12.880 --> 0:17:14.399 an equal. And if you don't see that she's going 0:17:14.480 --> 0:17:15.840 to tell you offer it, and I think that more 0:17:15.880 --> 0:17:17.679 women need to do that. So I think she's a 0:17:17.720 --> 0:17:20.280 really cool, powerful independent woman, and I think more women 0:17:20.320 --> 0:17:21.320 need to be like mum. 0:17:23.520 --> 0:17:27.920 But yeah, my ponies, my parents. So did you grow 0:17:28.040 --> 0:17:30.760 up rural? So did I grew up in Geelong? 0:17:30.920 --> 0:17:34.080 I grew up everywhere, So I've lived in like eighteen houses. 0:17:34.119 --> 0:17:38.800 I think, like' just we've been everywhere. I grew up 0:17:38.880 --> 0:17:41.600 mostly in the city in the suburbs until I was twelve, 0:17:43.040 --> 0:17:46.800 and then my mental health got so bad. My grandparents 0:17:46.840 --> 0:17:48.920 have always lived in the country and we'd always go there, 0:17:49.600 --> 0:17:51.840 and my mental health got so bad when I was 0:17:51.880 --> 0:17:55.320 twelve that my parents figured out that the only thing 0:17:55.720 --> 0:17:57.680 that would keep me alive was going to the country 0:17:57.840 --> 0:18:01.120 and having horses and being around animals all the time. 0:18:01.240 --> 0:18:04.280 So they picked up their whole life and we moved 0:18:04.320 --> 0:18:08.359 to the Ara Valley and I can truly say that 0:18:08.359 --> 0:18:11.840 that move changed my life. And to this day, when 0:18:11.880 --> 0:18:13.560 the world gets too much, I just go out and 0:18:13.600 --> 0:18:16.880 I sit with my horses. My mum's an equine therapist, 0:18:17.119 --> 0:18:19.439 and I've seen like the change, Like I never had 0:18:19.600 --> 0:18:23.679 an official equine therapy, but horses have always been my therapy. 0:18:23.720 --> 0:18:24.639 Horses are incredible. 0:18:24.680 --> 0:18:26.959 They if you don't know what you're feeling, or you're 0:18:26.960 --> 0:18:29.040 struggling to tept for what you're feeling, they'll tell you 0:18:29.200 --> 0:18:31.760 I did it once at it's incredible at. 0:18:31.600 --> 0:18:34.520 A wellness retreat. Yeah. 0:18:34.560 --> 0:18:35.320 And that. 0:18:36.920 --> 0:18:42.560 The they're all seeing capacity is it's incredible. 0:18:43.040 --> 0:18:44.840 They're they're so phenomenal. 0:18:45.400 --> 0:18:48.600 So, yeah, my horses have always have always, always always 0:18:48.640 --> 0:18:54.080 been the most important thing to me. Creativity has also 0:18:54.160 --> 0:18:59.000 always been really big, right, creating like art in any capacity. Yeah, 0:18:59.200 --> 0:19:00.600 Just being able to get out of my head and 0:19:00.640 --> 0:19:02.920 into my body has always kind of been how I've 0:19:02.960 --> 0:19:06.680 been able to move away from all of it. 0:19:07.119 --> 0:19:10.880 Well, and all of these elements I see in Quinnie, 0:19:10.880 --> 0:19:11.359 which of. 0:19:11.240 --> 0:19:13.800 Course was that's her, isn't it. 0:19:13.880 --> 0:19:20.119 Yeah, that your character in Heartbreak Eye that really. 0:19:22.640 --> 0:19:25.320 Leapt out to people. Thank you. 0:19:26.080 --> 0:19:28.320 Yeah, And there are a lot of people who would 0:19:28.359 --> 0:19:33.560 like to thank you for that, I think, because everything 0:19:33.720 --> 0:19:40.480 seems apparent in retrospect, but there's always a first, Yeah, 0:19:40.520 --> 0:19:44.000 And to be in that space and in Australia in 0:19:44.040 --> 0:19:51.840 that space, and relatively not a novice in acting, but 0:19:52.119 --> 0:19:52.840 this was like. 0:19:52.760 --> 0:19:55.080 A huge it was my first big job. 0:19:55.160 --> 0:19:56.960 Yeah, it was a huge job too. 0:19:57.680 --> 0:19:58.720 How did you feel? 0:19:59.160 --> 0:20:02.240 So we know we now know how that story's played 0:20:02.280 --> 0:20:06.160 out in terms of the world and the success of it, 0:20:07.280 --> 0:20:10.639 But how did you feel going in to tell the 0:20:10.680 --> 0:20:15.040 story of Quinnie? And I gather it was quite collaborative 0:20:15.680 --> 0:20:18.800 with the producers and the writers whatever, But how did 0:20:18.880 --> 0:20:22.560 you feel going in to tell this story that had 0:20:22.640 --> 0:20:23.439 never been told. 0:20:24.680 --> 0:20:30.199 It's interesting because in some ways it's incredibly exciting to 0:20:30.280 --> 0:20:33.840 be able to be like the first autistic actress in 0:20:33.840 --> 0:20:37.520 Australia and to be play such an important role, Like 0:20:37.560 --> 0:20:39.639 I didn't have anyone growing up that I could look to, 0:20:40.280 --> 0:20:42.199 and I think that's a really large reason why I 0:20:42.280 --> 0:20:45.040 struggled and why the other kids around me struggled to 0:20:45.119 --> 0:20:47.399 understand me, because there was no one that any of 0:20:47.440 --> 0:20:49.080 us could look to and go, oh. 0:20:49.080 --> 0:20:52.200 Yeah, that's that's like Chloe. So now that. 0:20:52.720 --> 0:20:55.280 Kids have someone that they can look to in Quinnie 0:20:55.320 --> 0:20:57.080 and in so many other characters that are now starting 0:20:57.119 --> 0:20:58.000 has come up as well. 0:20:58.359 --> 0:21:00.600 It's so important. It's going to say lives. 0:21:00.800 --> 0:21:05.240 But on the other hands, Heartbreak High came out in 0:21:05.359 --> 0:21:06.639 what twenty three? 0:21:07.040 --> 0:21:12.200 Maybe yeah is post COVID, Yeah, post COVID. 0:21:13.000 --> 0:21:16.720