WEBVTT - Leading with Compassion: A Brother Fighting Stigma 0:00:04.410 --> 0:00:08.580 We're in a very precarious position right now of worrying 0:00:08.580 --> 0:00:13.650 about her wanting to help and feeling really helpless. So 0:00:13.650 --> 0:00:15.630 it's nice to just be able to have a voice. 0:00:16.020 --> 0:00:19.200 I feel like part of this challenge for me in 0:00:19.200 --> 0:00:24.270 particular as a sibling is not having a place to 0:00:24.270 --> 0:00:28.260 have a voice and to have support and talk about 0:00:28.260 --> 0:00:31.230 the impact and the trauma that it's had on me 0:00:31.230 --> 0:00:34.800 over all these years. My fear is it's not going 0:00:34.800 --> 0:00:37.320 to subside like it used to because she doesn't have 0:00:37.320 --> 0:00:40.560 the supports anymore. She doesn't have the community support anymore 0:00:40.620 --> 0:00:43.860 at all, at least right now. You know, I've been 0:00:43.860 --> 0:00:48.300 here before and then something happens or someone comes out 0:00:48.300 --> 0:00:52.200 of the woodwork and things get a little better. So 0:00:52.470 --> 0:00:54.690 I can't predict. I have to just be in the 0:00:54.690 --> 0:00:57.960 moment and be where I'm at now and and try 0:00:57.960 --> 0:00:59.430 to work with that as best I can. 0:01:07.880 --> 0:01:10.940 Since starting this podcast, I've spoken very openly to our 0:01:10.940 --> 0:01:13.250 guests about mental illness and the impact it can have 0:01:13.250 --> 0:01:16.670 on those living with schizophrenia and their family members. It's 0:01:16.670 --> 0:01:19.669 not easy to talk about this illness, and it's not 0:01:19.670 --> 0:01:21.770 easy to see what this illness can do to your 0:01:21.770 --> 0:01:26.270 beloved sister, your brother, your mom, your and your uncle emotionally, 0:01:26.480 --> 0:01:32.539 psychologically and physically. Today on Look Again: Mental Illness Re-Examined. 0:01:32.630 --> 0:01:36.410 I'll be having a very honest and frank and vulnerable 0:01:36.410 --> 0:01:40.400 conversation with Yusuf Faqiri about what it's like to have 0:01:40.400 --> 0:01:45.380 a sibling with a serious mental illness. Yusuf's brother, Soleiman , 0:01:45.560 --> 0:01:50.090 had schizophrenia, and in December of 2016, he died in 0:01:50.090 --> 0:01:55.040 an Ontario jail. Soleiman had been charged with assault and uttering 0:01:55.040 --> 0:01:58.160 threats after an altercation with a neighbour and was waiting 0:01:58.160 --> 0:02:01.340 for psychiatric care at a mental health facility when he died. 0:02:02.120 --> 0:02:04.370 Having a sibling that has a serious mental illness can 0:02:04.370 --> 0:02:09.320 be incredibly difficult and can make you feel extremely helpless. 0:02:10.010 --> 0:02:12.650 How are siblings supposed to provide care and support and 0:02:12.650 --> 0:02:16.609 compassion while at the same time taking care of themselves? 0:02:17.090 --> 0:02:21.650 It's definitely not easy. Yusuf, I so appreciate you being 0:02:21.650 --> 0:02:24.710 here with me today to talk about your brother and 0:02:24.710 --> 0:02:27.320 the impact that he's had on your life. Thanks for 0:02:27.320 --> 0:02:27.800 being here. 0:02:28.070 --> 0:02:30.800 Laura Rothman and Raheem, thank you so much, Faydra, for 0:02:30.800 --> 0:02:33.680 your courage and giving me an opportunity to share about 0:02:33.680 --> 0:02:38.030 Soleiman, a story that many of us throughout our nation from 0:02:38.030 --> 0:02:41.179 coast to coast, have a story as your beloved sister 0:02:41.180 --> 0:02:43.700 or my late brother. Very grateful to be here with 0:02:43.700 --> 0:02:44.120 you today. 0:02:44.870 --> 0:02:48.560 So, Yusuf, let's start off by talking about your brother 0:02:48.560 --> 0:02:51.560 Soleiman and his journey with schizophrenia. 0:02:51.830 --> 0:02:55.070 My family came here to Canada as refugees from Afghanistan 0:02:55.280 --> 0:02:59.300 in the early 1990s. And what was very interesting is 0:02:59.300 --> 0:03:03.200 that growing up, Soleiman was the one that was able 0:03:03.200 --> 0:03:05.870 to adjust to this new culture, this new society, better 0:03:05.870 --> 0:03:09.380 than all his other siblings. Soli was a gifted athlete, 0:03:09.710 --> 0:03:12.620 a gifted mind. He ended up getting into the University 0:03:12.620 --> 0:03:15.920 of Waterloo's engineering program. He was the golden boy of 0:03:15.919 --> 0:03:18.530 the family, the star of the family that my parents 0:03:19.100 --> 0:03:22.580 skipping war. That's what he represented. And then in the 0:03:22.580 --> 0:03:26.540 spring of 2005, Soli, he got into a car accident. 0:03:26.720 --> 0:03:29.060 And it was after that car accident that within a 0:03:29.060 --> 0:03:31.760 couple of weeks after being examined, this funny man was 0:03:31.760 --> 0:03:35.810 diagnosed with this illness that we call schizophrenia. And that's 0:03:35.810 --> 0:03:38.270 where our story started. And it was a painful one. 0:03:38.540 --> 0:03:39.830 An extremely painful one. 0:03:40.490 --> 0:03:44.000 Absolutely. Now, how old was Soleiman when he was diagnosed? 0:03:44.060 --> 0:03:45.110 Was 19 years old. 0:03:45.890 --> 0:03:47.660 And so that would have put you a couple of 0:03:47.660 --> 0:03:48.470 years older then? 0:03:48.500 --> 0:03:51.110 Yeah. Soli and I were 18 months apart. Growing up, 0:03:51.110 --> 0:03:55.100 we were very close and both incredibly profound and fascinating 0:03:55.100 --> 0:03:57.590 is that his illness also brought us closer to all 0:03:57.590 --> 0:04:00.860 the pain and difficulty as a sister and as a brother. 0:04:01.340 --> 0:04:04.610 We feel like a certain love and also as you 0:04:04.610 --> 0:04:07.700 articulate early, like an obligation to be able to be 0:04:07.700 --> 0:04:10.340 there for one another. And I'm not going to sugarcoat 0:04:10.340 --> 0:04:13.100 this and say that it was easy. I was devastated 0:04:13.280 --> 0:04:14.990 at the night. I got a phone call. I was 0:04:14.990 --> 0:04:19.400 studying at Waterloo University. My mom calls me and says, Soli, 0:04:19.400 --> 0:04:22.219 he's been diagnosed with schizophrenia. And I went to my 0:04:22.220 --> 0:04:25.760 best friend. We were roommates. And for four or five hours 0:04:25.760 --> 0:04:30.560 I was crying to him because for me that night, 0:04:30.650 --> 0:04:32.570 what it did was and and this is where the 0:04:32.570 --> 0:04:35.810 cultural stigma comes in. And in Soli's case, there's almost 0:04:35.810 --> 0:04:38.660 like a double or triple cultural stigma that, like, first 0:04:38.900 --> 0:04:43.490 within our general Canadian society, that stigma existed. And then 0:04:43.490 --> 0:04:46.370 there was within the Muslim community that my family comes from, 0:04:46.550 --> 0:04:50.180 there's that cultural stigma. And then also within the Afghan community, 0:04:50.180 --> 0:04:53.000 there's this cultural stigma. For me, in my head, there's 0:04:53.000 --> 0:04:56.600 a derogatory term in Persian that refers to people with 0:04:56.600 --> 0:05:00.170 mental illness as psychotic. The one up one of the 0:05:00.170 --> 0:05:04.279 first times I used that term, he went upstairs and 0:05:04.279 --> 0:05:05.990 he got a glass filled with half of the was 0:05:05.990 --> 0:05:08.420 all of his medications. Like, 'You think I chose this 0:05:08.420 --> 0:05:12.589 illness , Yusuf?'. And so that in itself is me exhibiting 0:05:12.589 --> 0:05:16.279 the cultural stigma within the Afghan Muslim community. All too 0:05:16.279 --> 0:05:20.450 often within my cultural and religious communities is that the go- 0:05:20.450 --> 0:05:23.510 to is you hide these individuals from family or you 0:05:23.510 --> 0:05:29.420 don't talk about them. Erase their identity. Here I was selfish thinking about, 0:05:29.690 --> 0:05:33.440 in many ways my old self in my whole family. 0:05:34.550 --> 0:05:38.600 Yusuf, please don't beat yourself up over as you said, 0:05:38.600 --> 0:05:42.950 thinking selfishly. That is not selfish. You or we just 0:05:42.950 --> 0:05:45.560 don't know how to react. As we know, I also 0:05:45.560 --> 0:05:50.150 lost my sister to schizophrenia, and for the longest time 0:05:50.480 --> 0:05:53.540 I didn't even acknowledge that I had a sister because 0:05:53.540 --> 0:05:57.870 it was just easier. So I do get it. I 0:05:57.870 --> 0:06:01.650 do get it. Soleiman was, as you said, the golden child, 0:06:01.770 --> 0:06:04.200 that he was the one who adapted the most when 0:06:04.200 --> 0:06:07.290 you moved to Canada. And then he had that accident. 0:06:07.560 --> 0:06:10.640 What changes did you see after that? 0:06:10.710 --> 0:06:14.520 For example, there would be an obsession with certain things, right? 0:06:14.560 --> 0:06:16.800 Like to be cleaning the house or I would argue 0:06:16.800 --> 0:06:19.830 it's a bit excessive. One of the common ones was 0:06:19.830 --> 0:06:22.500 that he suffered throughout his illness with insomnia so he 0:06:22.500 --> 0:06:24.450 wouldn't be sleeping at night and getting up in the 0:06:24.450 --> 0:06:27.870 morning and be scared. The extreme levels of emotion or 0:06:27.960 --> 0:06:30.450 be more reactive. And these were things that came out 0:06:30.450 --> 0:06:33.150 of nowhere for us. So it was quite a struggle. 0:06:34.300 --> 0:06:39.370 I am so appreciative that you were able to talk 0:06:39.370 --> 0:06:42.219 about your story and talk about your brother. How did 0:06:42.220 --> 0:06:44.170 your mother respond to that news? 0:06:44.290 --> 0:06:47.290 I went back to Pickering, Ontario, after Soli was diagnosed. 0:06:47.560 --> 0:06:49.839 It was a week after and she took all of 0:06:49.839 --> 0:06:52.180 us in a room, including my father. She said, 'You're 0:06:52.180 --> 0:06:56.049 going to accept my son for who he is.' And she looked 0:06:56.050 --> 0:06:58.510 at all of us in the this including my father 0:06:59.200 --> 0:07:03.860 and her four other kids. You know, Faydra that was 0:07:03.860 --> 0:07:08.450 a turning point that forever changed our relationship on how 0:07:08.450 --> 0:07:11.570 we would deal with Soli. But because my mom created 0:07:11.570 --> 0:07:15.770 that space of dismantling that stigmatization, it didn't exist within 0:07:15.770 --> 0:07:19.670 our family. It was not a perfect relationship. But what 0:07:19.670 --> 0:07:21.710 that did is that it set the tone. Because my 0:07:21.710 --> 0:07:25.250 mother was the matriarch. When her mother was the woman 0:07:25.550 --> 0:07:29.150 who survived or who lost siblings as a result of 0:07:29.150 --> 0:07:33.380 the war, but always remained resilient. And that comment flipped 0:07:33.710 --> 0:07:37.460 our own relationship with mental illness. Effectively, what it did 0:07:37.460 --> 0:07:40.460 is that it opened the door for Soli to have somewhat of 0:07:40.460 --> 0:07:44.240 a thriving life. It put to rest in some ways 0:07:44.480 --> 0:07:48.710 the stigma that existed within my religious community and within 0:07:48.710 --> 0:07:51.950 my cultural community. And I look back at that moment. 0:07:53.150 --> 0:07:55.310 And I say to myself, What if my mom didn't 0:07:55.310 --> 0:07:59.580 do that? And even now, today Faydra, as we've been fighting to 0:07:59.580 --> 0:08:03.690 gain justice for Soli behind the scenes. The person that 0:08:03.690 --> 0:08:06.900 propels me every day and being able to do what 0:08:06.900 --> 0:08:09.900 I'm able to do is my mother. And so when 0:08:09.900 --> 0:08:12.090 people see the love of the mother can change the world, 0:08:12.540 --> 0:08:17.130 it certainly can. Not an expert, but someone who's shown 0:08:17.140 --> 0:08:19.650 her love and her strength. And looking at her son 0:08:19.650 --> 0:08:24.239 ultimately as a human being, as her son, not as 0:08:24.240 --> 0:08:25.320 Soli with schizophrenia. 0:08:27.550 --> 0:08:31.930 I was incredibly powerful. And as you said, the strength 0:08:31.930 --> 0:08:36.250 of our mothers and the strength of family. And I 0:08:36.250 --> 0:08:39.280 so appreciate what your mother said to you and your 0:08:39.280 --> 0:08:42.790 siblings and your father that day, because it is so true. 0:08:43.600 --> 0:08:47.650 Solomon was Solomon first before he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. 0:08:47.740 --> 0:08:50.500 Thank you for sharing that. And now we're going to 0:08:50.500 --> 0:08:56.140 talk about that awful day in December of 2016. Yusuf, 0:08:56.140 --> 0:09:01.059 please take us back to that day. In 2016? 0:09:01.330 --> 0:09:05.740 Absolutely. Actually, a couple days before that day, my dad 0:09:05.740 --> 0:09:08.200 and I thought that Soli was only there for 11 days. 0:09:08.200 --> 0:09:10.990 So and my dad and I got a confirmation that 0:09:10.990 --> 0:09:13.870 the judge would order Soli to go to a psychiatric institution, 0:09:13.870 --> 0:09:16.630 as you mentioned, Ontario Shores Centre for Mental Health. We 0:09:16.630 --> 0:09:19.360 were like, okay, happy, great. So li will be taken 0:09:19.360 --> 0:09:21.220 care of by the system. And you talk about that 0:09:21.220 --> 0:09:25.030 helpless helplessness. What was interesting Faydra was those 72 hours, 0:09:25.030 --> 0:09:27.910 the Monday and until the Thursday. The three days were 0:09:27.910 --> 0:09:30.880 the only time when my family did not feel helpless. 0:09:31.270 --> 0:09:33.760 Look at the ironic paradox here right, because we felt that 0:09:33.760 --> 0:09:36.130 okay is finally going to get the help. I just 0:09:36.130 --> 0:09:37.870 want to take you back there for a second. My 0:09:37.870 --> 0:09:40.569 Thursday was a very interesting day. Very normal as it 0:09:40.570 --> 0:09:43.330 would be. I took the Go train into downtown Toronto 0:09:43.330 --> 0:09:45.190 to go to work, did some of my work in 0:09:45.190 --> 0:09:49.300 the office. I came home and I'm sitting in my 0:09:49.300 --> 0:09:53.800 bed around 8:30-9:00 p.m. and I am talking to a 0:09:53.800 --> 0:10:02.350 friend and my sister barges in 'Soli's dead'. And I hang 0:10:02.350 --> 0:10:07.250 up the call, I run down downstairs. And I see 0:10:07.250 --> 0:10:10.910 two police officers talking to my father. But then I 0:10:10.910 --> 0:10:15.680 go to the kitchen island where Soli and my mom would often spend time together, 0:10:15.679 --> 0:10:19.520 and I see my mom wearing her black hijab and a robe . 0:10:20.500 --> 0:10:30.010 And pacing, Faydra, around the kitchen. And so she said in Farsi. سلیمان سولی. من بهت شیر دادم من بهت شیر دادم چرا من را ترک کردی؟ چرا رفتی؟ , 0:10:30.370 --> 0:10:34.210 which basically means 'Soli, I gave you milk. I gave 0:10:34.210 --> 0:10:36.910 you milk. Why did you leave me? Why did you leave?' 0:10:37.030 --> 0:10:39.730 And she kept repeating this. I sit her at her 0:10:39.730 --> 0:10:43.810 dining room and she just burst out crying. But holds 0:10:43.809 --> 0:10:47.250 my hand and looks at me in the eyes. Yusuf, 0:10:47.620 --> 0:10:49.569 I need you to find out what happened to my son. 0:10:50.050 --> 0:10:53.440 So for me. I'm calming her down, and I'm still 0:10:53.440 --> 0:10:56.230 processing my own pain. I'm not even getting a chance 0:10:56.230 --> 0:10:59.559 to mourn because I'm now being the oldest. And sometimes 0:10:59.559 --> 0:11:01.420 you have to remember these layers when you have families 0:11:01.420 --> 0:11:04.420 that don't speak English. You're managing two cultures sometimes, and 0:11:04.420 --> 0:11:06.880 sometimes you forget. What about you? Right. You don't have 0:11:06.880 --> 0:11:09.580 any answers. And at the same time, Sohrab and Ali, 0:11:09.790 --> 0:11:12.070 my two other brothers are out. They don't know what's 0:11:12.070 --> 0:11:16.000 going on. And I then call my brother Sohrab first . I 0:11:16.000 --> 0:11:18.459 tell him to come home, please. I was trying to 0:11:19.270 --> 0:11:22.359 prevent on telling him this over the phone. I fought 0:11:22.370 --> 0:11:24.850 to give him some dignity. But because I was so 0:11:24.850 --> 0:11:32.040 vulnerable and he kept pushing, I said 'Soli's dead. He's dead.' I'll never 0:11:32.040 --> 0:11:32.760 forget that day. 0:11:33.850 --> 0:11:37.030 Know that day will be forever ingrained in your mind. 0:11:38.880 --> 0:11:44.160 And how has that day impacted your life since December 0:11:44.160 --> 0:11:45.010 of 2016? 0:11:45.030 --> 0:11:46.559 When I think of that day, I'm going to start 0:11:46.559 --> 0:11:49.290 with this word in Arabic, we say ولله الحمد, which means 0:11:49.290 --> 0:11:51.720 all praise be to God, we thank God. And so 0:11:52.080 --> 0:11:55.710 what that means is we're very grateful for what he 0:11:55.710 --> 0:11:57.989 gave us Soli, we believe Soli belonged to him and you 0:11:57.990 --> 0:12:00.929 went back to him. So we're grateful for the time. 0:12:01.230 --> 0:12:04.110 But to talk to you in a vulnerable space and 0:12:04.110 --> 0:12:06.630 to put this into perspective, because I think it's important 0:12:06.630 --> 0:12:11.560 as you've made yourself vulnerable, is. It's been a painful day. 0:12:11.559 --> 0:12:14.980 It's been a painful six years. There's a price that 0:12:14.980 --> 0:12:19.750 myself and my family paid. Soli paid with his life. We 0:12:19.750 --> 0:12:22.150 also paid the price in terms of choosing the option 0:12:22.150 --> 0:12:24.610 of fighting back. That was our choice, and I've come 0:12:24.610 --> 0:12:29.500 to appreciate that decision more, Faydra, because in many ways, 0:12:29.500 --> 0:12:31.480 in the way I've gone about it, it costs me 0:12:31.480 --> 0:12:35.500 other things than life. I have no regrets in terms 0:12:35.500 --> 0:12:37.079 of if I could go back, I would do it again. 0:12:37.090 --> 0:12:40.600 But when I set out to fight, I did not 0:12:40.600 --> 0:12:43.420 expect it to be this long. I did not expect it. 0:12:43.720 --> 0:12:46.180 I didn't appreciate the emotional part. You talked at the 0:12:46.179 --> 0:12:51.010 beginning of what? Emotional. Physical. All this stops. I didn't 0:12:51.010 --> 0:12:53.079 appreciate that it was going to take a toll. I 0:12:53.080 --> 0:12:55.270 had friends telling me at the beginning use of take 0:12:55.270 --> 0:12:58.120 care of yourself. Be careful. You need to put yourself first. 0:12:58.120 --> 0:12:59.130 In my head, I'm thinking like. 0:12:59.740 --> 0:13:00.910 How do you how do you do that? 0:13:01.480 --> 0:13:03.849 And if you come from certain cultures, what happens is 0:13:04.030 --> 0:13:06.970 you're not supposed to be, quote unquote, weak. There's nothing 0:13:06.970 --> 0:13:10.420 wrong with being vulnerable, but there's something wrong lying to 0:13:10.420 --> 0:13:14.140 yourself about your emotional vulnerability. I made that mistake and 0:13:14.140 --> 0:13:17.469 I paid the price. Because what would happen often times 0:13:17.770 --> 0:13:20.380 throughout these six years I would come home and some 0:13:20.380 --> 0:13:23.950 nights that grief comes in. Sometimes that emotional pain comes in. 0:13:23.950 --> 0:13:25.990 And for me, because it was such a public fight, 0:13:25.990 --> 0:13:30.310 when you do media interviews, when you speak publicly, when 0:13:30.309 --> 0:13:33.880 you articulate it, deep down, the heart is very fragile. 0:13:34.150 --> 0:13:37.179 That fragility of that heart is taking a beating. I 0:13:37.179 --> 0:13:39.790 pay that price and it's something that I'm still learning. 0:13:40.000 --> 0:13:43.030 And at times I ask myself, 'When is it time 0:13:43.300 --> 0:13:46.569 to move on?' Or when is it time to say 0:13:46.570 --> 0:13:50.170 to yourself, that what you did is the best you could? 0:13:50.260 --> 0:13:53.590 And I remind myself that if I leave this earth today, 0:13:53.920 --> 0:13:57.010 if my time comes today, I can see with humble 0:13:57.010 --> 0:14:00.820 conviction that I truly did the best I could with 0:14:00.820 --> 0:14:03.640 the tools that I had. And for me, the proudest 0:14:03.640 --> 0:14:06.010 moment of all this is that we did it in 0:14:06.010 --> 0:14:09.550 a dignified way. We didn't do it through anger or 0:14:09.550 --> 0:14:12.489 through reaction. We did it through the way that we 0:14:12.490 --> 0:14:16.090 want people with mental illness to be treated with respect, 0:14:16.330 --> 0:14:19.840 with honour, with a belief that their story matters, their 0:14:19.840 --> 0:14:23.850 voice matters. They need to be heard. I learned that 0:14:23.850 --> 0:14:26.580 from my mother, and Soli in many ways played that role. 0:14:26.820 --> 0:14:29.220 Whether it was giving tea to people as they came 0:14:29.220 --> 0:14:31.860 to our house or whether it was teaching my mom 0:14:31.860 --> 0:14:34.560 how to read. When teaching my brother Ali how to drive. 0:14:34.830 --> 0:14:38.160 This was all after his illness, Faydra. We often make the 0:14:38.160 --> 0:14:42.990 mistake sometimes, though, when we hear if somebody is schizophrenic, 0:14:43.410 --> 0:14:46.260 she has a mental illness that is that they're subhuman, 0:14:47.040 --> 0:14:50.530 that they're incapable. We need to shift those comments and 0:14:50.550 --> 0:14:56.040 to know that's Soli . That's Sandra. That's Yusuf. They have 0:14:56.040 --> 0:14:59.650 a story to tell. Their stories about who they are 0:14:59.650 --> 0:15:03.490 and their character, not what their mental illness is. That's only 0:15:03.490 --> 0:15:03.970 a part of them. 0:15:05.070 --> 0:15:07.950 And I know that you've been very public and you've 0:15:07.950 --> 0:15:12.090 done many media interviews. What keeps you going, Yusuf? 0:15:12.930 --> 0:15:18.060 Having that hope for one day, not just metaphorically, but literally. 0:15:18.630 --> 0:15:21.840 We build the Garden of Hope and the many other 0:15:21.840 --> 0:15:24.780 Canadians that have suffered from mental illness that should be 0:15:24.780 --> 0:15:28.590 treated with dignity and honor, not with indignation, not with 0:15:28.590 --> 0:15:32.760 being humiliated, but with respect. That's what keeps me going. 0:15:33.630 --> 0:15:35.450 That's incredible. Thank you for sharing. 0:15:35.680 --> 0:15:36.140 Thank you. 0:15:38.210 --> 0:15:42.200 You're listening to Look Again: Mental Illness Re-Examined. A podcast 0:15:42.200 --> 0:15:46.640 brought to you by the B.C. Schizophrenia Society and B.C. partner organizations. 0:15:47.240 --> 0:15:50.960 I'm your host, Faydra Aldridge . This podcast would not be 0:15:50.960 --> 0:15:54.470 possible without the support of the community. From the bottom 0:15:54.470 --> 0:15:56.900 of our hearts, we want to thank you for caring 0:15:56.900 --> 0:16:01.520 about serious mental illness and everything that's around it. Together, 0:16:01.520 --> 0:16:07.010 we truly can make a difference. And welcome back to Look Again: 0:16:07.370 --> 0:16:10.850 Mental Illness Re-Examined. I'm Faydra Aldridge and I've been speaking to 0:16:10.850 --> 0:16:15.260 Yusuf Faquiri about his brother Soleiman, who lived with schizophrenia until 0:16:15.260 --> 0:16:19.250 his death in 2016. Yusuf, I'd like to play a 0:16:19.250 --> 0:16:22.370 clip now from someone who also has a sibling with 0:16:22.370 --> 0:16:26.270 schizophrenia and how that's impacted them. Let's take a listen now. 0:16:29.500 --> 0:16:35.800 When I got married recently, I did feel resentment, mixed emotions, and. 0:16:37.430 --> 0:16:41.630 Everyone was very concerned about my brother and being around 0:16:41.630 --> 0:16:44.510 people drinking and what the plan was and keep an 0:16:44.510 --> 0:16:47.870 eye on him. And there is like a part of 0:16:47.870 --> 0:16:51.590 me that that was my day. That's something I've been 0:16:51.590 --> 0:16:55.730 looking forward to. And even that day still had to 0:16:56.090 --> 0:16:59.990 have a lot of my brother's care involved and I 0:16:59.990 --> 0:17:01.580 wouldn't change it for the world. I wanted him there. 0:17:01.580 --> 0:17:04.580 That was very important to me. But there is still 0:17:04.580 --> 0:17:07.760 that part of you that wishes that sometimes you could 0:17:07.760 --> 0:17:08.270 have a day off. 0:17:10.460 --> 0:17:13.070 So you have did you ever feel like that when 0:17:13.070 --> 0:17:15.920 your brother was alive, that feeling of resentment or just 0:17:15.920 --> 0:17:18.080 that you wanted a day off. 0:17:18.080 --> 0:17:20.810 Thank you so much. No one's ever asked this question. 0:17:21.020 --> 0:17:23.899 To be honest, the answer is yes. I'll tell you 0:17:23.900 --> 0:17:26.280 one night. I think it's the same thing in B.C.. 0:17:26.300 --> 0:17:29.659 When you involuntary put someone, they can only hold them, 0:17:29.660 --> 0:17:32.300 I think, up until 72 hours. But most of the 0:17:32.300 --> 0:17:35.180 time that they let them go out after 24 hours. 0:17:35.570 --> 0:17:38.360 So one night we put Soli in the hospital. They 0:17:38.359 --> 0:17:41.659 took him, the on call doctor did an assessment. Not 0:17:41.660 --> 0:17:45.530 even a psychiatrist, Faydra. It's usually the on call, doctor. I deliberately 0:17:45.530 --> 0:17:47.420 made sure and tried my best for him to take 0:17:47.420 --> 0:17:50.330 him to the hospital. They usually just assess. So for 0:17:50.330 --> 0:17:53.030 about two or 3 hours, I'm always calling. Has Soli even 0:17:53.030 --> 0:17:55.250 been assessed? Is he going to be put into the 0:17:55.310 --> 0:17:58.669 psychiatric ward? So that night I called for a few times. 0:17:58.670 --> 0:18:00.470 They kept saying, oay, not yet. We're going to like, 0:18:00.470 --> 0:18:03.200 examine him'. I take an hour nap after that and 0:18:03.200 --> 0:18:05.510 I call back the hospital's like 'Oh, your brother has been released.' 0:18:05.880 --> 0:18:08.600 Was like around 11 or midnight. I'm like, 'Are you 0:18:08.600 --> 0:18:11.989 guys kidding me?' I was perplexed. My brother needs to 0:18:11.990 --> 0:18:15.320 stay here. And so now around midnight, I go downstairs 0:18:15.320 --> 0:18:17.449 and I tell my mom we need to leave. So 0:18:17.450 --> 0:18:21.770 for like, 3 hours in Scarborough, in a robe and 0:18:21.770 --> 0:18:24.530 me in my slippers for three hours are walking the 0:18:24.530 --> 0:18:27.260 streets near the hospital trying to get a hold of Soli. 0:18:27.470 --> 0:18:29.720 And thankfully, like, it was amazing with Soli that whenever 0:18:29.720 --> 0:18:32.510 he saw my mom, there was never any resistance ever. 0:18:32.750 --> 0:18:35.270 And so we felt we dodged a bullet. And there 0:18:35.270 --> 0:18:37.790 was many of these nice feature. And so for me, 0:18:37.940 --> 0:18:40.400 when you asked me that question, the answer is yes. 0:18:40.550 --> 0:18:44.060 Not because of Sully, but because of the system's selfishness 0:18:44.330 --> 0:18:48.409 and the fact that they don't create more beds or more 0:18:48.410 --> 0:18:52.970 mechanism and place or more cultural competency support for people 0:18:52.970 --> 0:18:55.550 that are suffering from mental illness. All too often what 0:18:55.550 --> 0:18:57.320 happens is that if you don't have a family, you 0:18:57.320 --> 0:19:00.410 know this better than me advocating for you. Within the system, 0:19:00.500 --> 0:19:02.900 those individuals are more likely to fall through the cracks. 0:19:02.930 --> 0:19:07.219 And so , Faydra, there was times when I was like 'Oh God' another time when you're 0:19:07.220 --> 0:19:10.280 woken up from your sweet sleep, you get resentful. And 0:19:10.280 --> 0:19:13.399 most of the time the resentment was towards Soli. But 0:19:13.910 --> 0:19:16.250 how could I really blame him? And how could we 0:19:16.250 --> 0:19:17.359 really bring your sister? 0:19:18.440 --> 0:19:20.959 And it's the illness. And that's something I say a 0:19:20.960 --> 0:19:25.730 lot that wasn't my sister when she was violent or 0:19:25.730 --> 0:19:30.119 saying things. It was the illness. It was not my sister. 0:19:30.170 --> 0:19:32.000 Absolutely. Absolutely. 0:19:32.180 --> 0:19:34.820 Yeah. And I think, you know, for you and I, 0:19:36.290 --> 0:19:40.610 Yusuf, from the sibling perspective, it's a very difficult position for 0:19:40.609 --> 0:19:43.159 siblings to be in. Because on the one hand, we're 0:19:43.160 --> 0:19:45.950 trying to protect our parents and we're trying to do 0:19:45.950 --> 0:19:49.580 everything we can to shield them from the pain. And 0:19:49.580 --> 0:19:52.700 then on the other hand, we're also trying to protect 0:19:52.700 --> 0:19:55.370 our sibling that has the mental illness. So we're trying 0:19:55.369 --> 0:19:57.979 to do everything we can to shield them. And then 0:19:57.980 --> 0:20:01.160 where does that leave us, the siblings. So I think 0:20:01.160 --> 0:20:05.570 feeling resentment, as you said, is a very natural feeling 0:20:05.570 --> 0:20:09.710 that we as siblings, all experienced at one time. The 0:20:09.710 --> 0:20:12.470 question is, how do we deal with that resentment and 0:20:12.470 --> 0:20:14.810 how do we move forward? And I think you are 0:20:15.080 --> 0:20:18.770 an amazing example Yusuf of being able to move forward. 0:20:20.359 --> 0:20:23.810 It means a lot Faydra, your comments. And as siblings like to add, there's always 0:20:23.810 --> 0:20:27.650 that struggle of making both worlds happy, right? 0:20:28.190 --> 0:20:28.640 That's right. 0:20:28.680 --> 0:20:31.160 But what all too often happens is when you make those 0:20:31.160 --> 0:20:34.070 both worlds happy, you make the mistake of if you 0:20:34.070 --> 0:20:36.350 cannot take care of yourself, which is the third part 0:20:36.350 --> 0:20:38.390 of that world of four of yourself, you really can't 0:20:38.390 --> 0:20:40.790 make the other two happy because that'll come in another price. 0:20:40.940 --> 0:20:44.490 And for me, at times, because one parent was struggling 0:20:44.490 --> 0:20:49.100 on accepting Soli's illness, my father, versus my mom, who was 0:20:49.100 --> 0:20:52.100 really leading the charge. And here I am in the middle, 0:20:52.340 --> 0:20:56.000 sometimes living literally in two worlds when the system itself 0:20:56.060 --> 0:20:59.540 cannot be counted on to protect these individuals that suffering 0:20:59.540 --> 0:21:02.780 from mental illness. It very much is like a survival mechanism. 0:21:03.170 --> 0:21:04.340 And it breaks my heart. 0:21:05.250 --> 0:21:08.369 As you and I know all too well, Yusuf, There 0:21:08.369 --> 0:21:12.180 are so many complex emotions involved with having a sibling 0:21:12.180 --> 0:21:14.820 with schizophrenia. So, Yusuf, if I want to get back 0:21:14.820 --> 0:21:18.030 to your mother and you said earlier that she guided 0:21:18.030 --> 0:21:21.629 your family to lead with compassion and she was the 0:21:21.630 --> 0:21:24.090 matriarch when it came to your brother and when it 0:21:24.090 --> 0:21:29.430 came to seeing your brother as an individual first. Can 0:21:29.430 --> 0:21:33.600 you tell me more about what your mother has taught you, 0:21:33.630 --> 0:21:35.580 especially now that Solomon is gone? 0:21:35.609 --> 0:21:38.010 One of the things that my mom told me very 0:21:38.010 --> 0:21:40.760 shortly after Soli's death was I don't have the tongue, but 0:21:40.770 --> 0:21:44.010 you do, because my mom speaks English, but not in 0:21:44.010 --> 0:21:46.050 the way she wants to. I know for that in 0:21:46.050 --> 0:21:48.360 itself is that I would have seen my mother speaking 0:21:48.359 --> 0:21:50.100 about her son. And so for me, there is almost 0:21:50.100 --> 0:21:54.900 this responsibility to call her and say 'Mama, what do you need to do?' 0:21:55.230 --> 0:21:58.140 For me, it's very important. So that's one part. The 0:21:58.140 --> 0:22:00.690 second part, we would not be here today if it 0:22:00.690 --> 0:22:06.060 was not for my mother supporting me, leading. My mother t o 0:22:06.060 --> 0:22:09.149 the naked eye is a simple woman, but she is 0:22:09.150 --> 0:22:12.120 much more than that. Her skill set is a resilience. 0:22:12.210 --> 0:22:14.820 And that's what's shaped me and transformed myself. 0:22:15.750 --> 0:22:18.129 Thanks for sharing that. I would love to meet your mother. 0:22:18.150 --> 0:22:19.200 She sounds fantastic. 0:22:19.619 --> 0:22:20.100 Thank you. 0:22:22.050 --> 0:22:25.859 So, Yusuf, you keep saying you're fighting, and I have 0:22:25.859 --> 0:22:28.920 to ask, what are you fighting for today? 0:22:28.950 --> 0:22:38.010