Speaker 1: It's lucky dip term. Thanks for joining us. We put
Speaker 1: our hand in the basket, we pull out a topic,
Speaker 1: we chat about it for about ten man. It's mail,
Speaker 1: it's Monty, thank you so much for listening.
Speaker 2: In Mail. You're in charge of LA today.
Speaker 3: Well, you know, the last few weeks, I've just been
Speaker 3: a bit dark in my h what I think, what
Speaker 3: I've brought to the table.
Speaker 2: All right, you find you deep dive into these stories
Speaker 2: that are so dark. I don't even know it. Do
Speaker 2: you go on to the dark Web?
Speaker 3: No, No, I'm fascinated by that. How do you even
Speaker 3: get there? I don't get I don't know. I think
Speaker 3: you have to know people.
Speaker 2: And so is it a website you put in? I
Speaker 2: just don't understand.
Speaker 3: I don't know. I don't know exactly how it works,
Speaker 3: but I know there's some shit that goes down in
Speaker 3: like Pedophile Rings and yeah, right, people into a podcast
Speaker 3: called the kill List, which is basically a guy that
Speaker 3: infiltrated this site on the dark Web. It was like
Speaker 3: a higher kill thing. So like say I want Mark killed, Yeah,
Speaker 3: you can to get someone. So they've got this kill
Speaker 3: list from this guy and podcast is them trying to
Speaker 3: contact people who are on the list. But like, imagine
Speaker 3: just calling someone out of the blue. Imagine someone calling
Speaker 3: you and going, hi, I just wanted to let you know.
Speaker 3: I know this sounds strange, but you're actually on this
Speaker 3: fucking person. You'd be like, okay, Sea, Yeah, it would
Speaker 3: be very strange.
Speaker 2: But also you're into some shady shit, Like you're probably
Speaker 2: not that surprised if you're on someone's hit list.
Speaker 3: No, it is like women who are married to men
Speaker 3: who are having affairs and they want the wife out
Speaker 3: of the picture. And I've never understood it. Why wouldn't
Speaker 3: you just say I want a divorce. But the funny
Speaker 3: thing is so many of these men that don't want
Speaker 3: to divorce are either because they're religious or they're asters
Speaker 3: in their community, so to divorce is wrong, so kill
Speaker 3: is better? Wow? Or I guess it comes down to
Speaker 3: like they want the money from the life insurance policies
Speaker 3: and stuff.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it might be a lot fucked. Oh my god,
Speaker 2: that's scary. How fucked people are.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, we are so normal, it's unbelievable.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we are wed.
Speaker 3: I thought i'd bring something light today. Very funny.
Speaker 2: I love it. Okay, yes, so.
Speaker 3: Quite some time ago actually have done it twice. I
Speaker 3: read out this Amazon review of a vibrator that was
Speaker 3: like the funniest ringever. It's so good. So I started
Speaker 3: thinking the other night, I wonder what other funny Amazon
Speaker 3: reviews there are? Fuck mate? I found some gold. Okay,
Speaker 3: so I'll start with a five pound bag of Haribo
Speaker 3: sugar free gummy Bears.
Speaker 2: I know those Haribo ones, the gold it's gold like logo.
Speaker 2: Ye yeah. Why is somebody writing a review around about them?
Speaker 3: I'll tell you why. Okay, one star. Just don't unless
Speaker 3: this is a gift for someone you hate. Oh man,
Speaker 3: words cannot express what happened to me after eating these
Speaker 3: the gummy bear cleans. If you are someone that can
Speaker 3: that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you were
Speaker 3: like the dozens of people that tried my order, run
Speaker 3: first of all for taste, I would rate these a five.
Speaker 3: So good, soft, true to taste, fruit flavors like the
Speaker 3: sugar variety. I was a happy camper, but or should
Speaker 3: I say, but with two teas. Not long after eating
Speaker 3: about twenty of these, all hell broke loose, I had
Speaker 3: a gastro intestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined, cramps, sweating, bloating,
Speaker 3: beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some
Speaker 3: bad shellfish, and that was almost like a skip in
Speaker 3: the park compared to what was going on inside me.
Speaker 3: Then came the flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, I don't even
Speaker 3: know what that word means.
Speaker 2: Nice.
Speaker 3: The sounds like trumpets calling the demons back to hell.
Speaker 3: The stench like one thousand rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't
Speaker 3: stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing
Speaker 3: to my own owners. But wait, there's more. What came
Speaker 3: out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara
Speaker 3: Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming.
Speaker 3: It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping more
Speaker 3: what's a more m aw? Maybe a hole, A gaping
Speaker 3: more projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste one
Speaker 3: hundred percent liquid, flammable liquid napalm. It was actually a
Speaker 3: bit humorous for a nanosecond, as it was just beyond
Speaker 3: anything I imagine possible, and it went on for hours.
Speaker 3: I felt violated when it was over, which I think
Speaker 3: might have been sometime in the early morning of the
Speaker 3: next day. There was stuff coming out of me that
Speaker 3: I ate at my wedding in two thousand and five.
Speaker 3: I had five pounds of these innocent looking, delicious tasting
Speaker 3: hall bears. So I told a friend about what happened
Speaker 3: to me, thinking it had to be some sort of
Speaker 3: sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite
Speaker 3: of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take
Speaker 3: her chances and take the hand who silly woman. All
Speaker 3: of the same for her, and a phone call from
Speaker 3: her while she was on the toilet telling me she
Speaker 3: really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.
Speaker 3: Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating.
Speaker 3: She took them to work since there was still ninety
Speaker 3: nine percent of a five pound bag left. She works
Speaker 3: for a construction company where they're all builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers,
Speaker 3: et cetera. Lots of people who generally have limited access
Speaker 3: to toilets on any given day. My god, I can't
Speaker 3: imagine where all of these poor men and women pooped
Speaker 3: that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their
Speaker 3: legs and trying to decide if they can make it
Speaker 3: down the ladder or if they should just jump. If
Speaker 3: you order these, best of luck to you, and please
Speaker 3: don't post a video review during the after shocks. You
Speaker 3: know what it is. It's I don't know if it's
Speaker 3: artificial sweetener or the the one that's not bad for you,
Speaker 3: because I went through a stage where I got addicted
Speaker 3: to the sugar free mints.
Speaker 2: Ah yes, like your eclipse No, like ants.
Speaker 3: Like a like a minty.
Speaker 2: Ah oh yeah, yeah, I love a minty.
Speaker 3: Yes, but like a minty And I'm thinking, oh, they're
Speaker 3: like a natural sugar free substitute. Yes, mate, I mean
Speaker 3: they always upset my tummy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they do to a lot of people. You have
Speaker 2: too much of them. It's not bad. I mean it's
Speaker 2: not good for your system. No, you can't. It's just
Speaker 2: a known thing. Same as like the Eclipse mints. You
Speaker 2: have too many. If my kids eat too many, might
Speaker 2: you're gonna get diarrhea. But that review, I always shocked
Speaker 2: people take time to do a review, let alone. That
Speaker 2: was a long review for gummy bears.
Speaker 3: That's a person that's something I would do.
Speaker 2: That's like, yeah, I can see. And it was lyrically
Speaker 2: genius as well. She was very good with her words.
Speaker 3: It's an album.
Speaker 2: Never ever written a review.
Speaker 3: Yeah, don't say that, because we asked people to review
Speaker 3: at the end of.
Speaker 2: The show, and I'm going to start doing it for
Speaker 2: other podcasts. But I've never written a review.
Speaker 3: No, I don't think I've ever written a review either.
Speaker 3: I don't think.
Speaker 2: Well, the only time I have is when a friend
Speaker 2: has sent me and said, oh, for their business, like
Speaker 2: I need to get some reviews. Yeah, and I'll do
Speaker 2: that for them. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Well I have almost shit myself though. Remember that time
Speaker 3: I told you I used to work for a government
Speaker 3: employment agency with people who were getting center Link to
Speaker 3: try and find jobs, and then I'd contact the employer
Speaker 3: on behalf of the person. Right, I had taken this tea,
Speaker 3: it was like that, I mean, the worst name for
Speaker 3: a tea. It was called like slim diet tea or something.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I remember those diet teas.
Speaker 3: And I, of course, when in hard straight away I
Speaker 3: was like one tea bag, I'm going to do two.
Speaker 3: They say steep it for five minutes. I'm gonna steep
Speaker 3: mind for twenty Yeah, mate, I was in the middle
Speaker 3: of seeing a kloient and I had to, like I
Speaker 3: gripped onto my chair, like I had to tell him
Speaker 3: to go because I said, oh, sorry, I think I'm
Speaker 3: going to be sick. And you know what, I'm like
Speaker 3: shitting anywhere but home. I sat in that toilet. I
Speaker 3: was like crying. I couldn't stop. I'd take the next
Speaker 3: day off work.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, you were that traumatized. And when you
Speaker 2: tell me it was that bad.
Speaker 3: As in anything that when in came out water anything,
Speaker 3: it would have just been pure laxative in that tea.
Speaker 3: That's all it was. That's all it was. I mean
Speaker 3: I got on the scal the next day and I
Speaker 3: was like, oh you did Jesus remember that, like the
Speaker 3: full dieting days where you'd give tea you go. I
Speaker 3: did the cabbage diet, that act diet.
Speaker 2: Like anything you could think of. I would do so ridiculous,
Speaker 2: it's terrible.
Speaker 3: I'll do a couple of really short ones and then
Speaker 3: maybe next time I'll pick up and do it a
Speaker 3: couple more because they're good.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 3: VAT for men hair removal jelf cream. This is from Dennis.
Speaker 3: Dennis makes my fart sound louder. The hair must have
Speaker 3: acted as an interlocking silencer. I give this a big
Speaker 3: thumbs up, five out of five.
Speaker 2: Veted his bum hole, veted his asshole.
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, Actually here's a recommendation that he is a
Speaker 3: gross you know what, let's just keep this to the theme.
Speaker 2: Yeah bum bums.
Speaker 3: Okay, I found I need to I'll put the link
Speaker 3: in the show notes if anyone else is interested. I
Speaker 3: found a proctologist, which is a bum doctor. Yes, on YouTube, right,
Speaker 3: it came up in my you know recommended.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Anyway, there were things that I had no idea about
Speaker 3: when it came to asses, and like it's it's like
Speaker 3: a wealth of information. These doctors and stuff that come
Speaker 3: on and do these videos. I'm like, thank you, because
Speaker 3: this is free information that you usually have to go
Speaker 3: to a specialist for.
Speaker 2: Like I knew that your.
Speaker 3: Ass was, you know, a sensitive place. But I'm quite
Speaker 3: aggressive with my wiping, right, Like I just get right
Speaker 3: in there, I get right in there. But he was
Speaker 3: saying how the skin there is so delicate, It's like
Speaker 3: the skin on your lips. Also, like with the issue
Speaker 3: of wiping, about how moisture is always going to be
Speaker 3: the best way to get My dad just got a
Speaker 3: bidet put in. I have a bidet? Do you in
Speaker 3: my en suite? And I have never used it?
Speaker 2: Maybe you should start. The days are apparently the whole
Speaker 2: way to go.
Speaker 3: I used it the other day. I think it's going
Speaker 3: to change my life. So I don't even know how
Speaker 3: to use it. I'm like, I said to Mark, is
Speaker 3: this thing connected? Because it's a separate one, so like
Speaker 3: now you can buy it like an attachment onto your
Speaker 3: toilet or whatever. This is like an old fashioned separate
Speaker 3: one next to the toilet. I said to me, I
Speaker 3: don't even had to fucking use this thing. Is it
Speaker 3: connected to water? He's like yeah, anyway again, watched a
Speaker 3: YouTube tutorial. People use them very differently. Some people don't
Speaker 3: wipe their ass at all. Not They just go from yeah.
Speaker 2: No, I'm not doing that, Well that's what that's the
Speaker 2: whole thing of the bidet. You don't know, and then
Speaker 2: you just don't. You then just use like a cloth
Speaker 2: or something and wipe your date after you've used the bidet.
Speaker 3: No, I think the bidet is like what I see
Speaker 3: it like an extra layer, right, so I'll wipe myself
Speaker 3: and then you get on and you wash yourself.
Speaker 2: Do you just sit on it like a toilet and
Speaker 2: then push button?
Speaker 3: This is the thing. I think it's so the well,
Speaker 3: the one that I've got that it's like a mixer
Speaker 3: tap like you have in your kitchen, so you can
Speaker 3: have a lifty one yep, and depending on how much
Speaker 3: you know, like how much pressure is how much the
Speaker 3: spout comes out. But a woman, I think you would
Speaker 3: have to almost be front facing because well, when you
Speaker 3: think about it, well, this is what this is. It's
Speaker 3: been a whole learning curve because it's like the way
Speaker 3: our bodies are if you're and I guess it's the
Speaker 3: same principles if you're in the shower, but it's like
Speaker 3: then having to lean forward for the water to go there.
Speaker 3: But I'm like, then the water will run down and
Speaker 3: then I don't want that water to then go vagina.
Speaker 2: I would never think that, right.
Speaker 3: Yes, anyway, I straddled it.
Speaker 4: Do you know what I said to Mark? It was
Speaker 4: like I got into a fucking trance. It wasn't like
Speaker 4: a sexual thing. It was like the warm water so
Speaker 4: it's hitting my.
Speaker 3: Volver and just sitting there and.
Speaker 4: I said to mark.
Speaker 3: It was such a beautiful feeling. I just sat there
Speaker 3: for about five minutes. It was almost therapeutic.
Speaker 2: Yeah right, I'm like, I think I'm into it. Or
Speaker 2: do it, mate, you've got one there, you should definitely
Speaker 2: do it. And if it's like a comforting vulver hug,
Speaker 2: do it.
Speaker 3: I know. But I'm just like, oh, it's the having to.
Speaker 3: I don't know if I have to buy more face washes,
Speaker 3: because then you have to try it off.
Speaker 2: And then you have to wash the face washers. You
Speaker 2: don't want to double use a face washer, do you,
Speaker 2: But although it's very clean, you could.
Speaker 3: I will tell you something very funny though, and then
Speaker 3: we'll go sorry, because this is a long, lucky dip
Speaker 3: I had you. I picked up one of my white
Speaker 3: face washers from the linen cupboard and I had it
Speaker 3: there and I hadn't really looked at it. And I
Speaker 3: got off the thing and I wiped my ass, and
Speaker 3: I'm so graffy. I looked at the I think we.
Speaker 3: I think the people that are still here I invested.
Speaker 2: So many have tuned out.
Speaker 3: So I look at this white face washer. It's fucking brown.
Speaker 3: I was like, what's happening? Like I'm thinking this is ship.
Speaker 3: It was fake tan. It was stained from fight ten.
Speaker 3: I said to Mark, I go up to him and
Speaker 3: go I just used the bidet and he goes, oh,
Speaker 3: how was it? I said, look at this. He goes,
Speaker 3: what the F? And then I said, said yourself, that's
Speaker 3: so funny.
Speaker 2: All right, everyone, thank you for listening in. If you're
Speaker 2: still there after that, like some people are so not
Speaker 2: pee wee human.
Speaker 3: They would have tuned out, so sorry.
Speaker 2: But if you're still there, thank you for listening and
Speaker 2: we'll be chatting to you very soon. Bye.
Speaker 3: Love you