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Speaker 1: This podcast is recorded on gadigal Land Always was, always

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Speaker 1: will be Aboriginal Land. Hey Chicks, I'm sal and I'm

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Speaker 1: and this is two Broke Chicks to show that shares

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Speaker 1: life lessons and tips to help make you rich in life.

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Speaker 1: And today we are joined by Holly as a party,

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Speaker 1: the author of The People's Please, A Guide to Saying

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Speaker 1: Yes to You, A crash course in setting boundaries and

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Speaker 1: putting yourself first.

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Speaker 2: Hey Ellie, Hey gals, thanks for having me today.

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Speaker 1: Thank you for coming on. We're so excited to have

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Speaker 1: you two. And we do like to start these episodes

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Speaker 1: off with a life lesson of the week. So what

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Speaker 1: have you got for us? Because I feel like you

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Speaker 1: have a lot of inspiration from this week.

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Speaker 3: I have a lot to share and to be succinct.

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Speaker 3: The life lesson this week is about polarity and how

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Speaker 3: you can actually exist in two states of emotional being

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Speaker 3: at the same time. So the example I'm going to

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Speaker 3: give this week is a big week for me.

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Speaker 2: I've launched my second book.

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Speaker 3: I've left my husband and my daughter, I've jumped.

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Speaker 2: On the plane.

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Speaker 3: I'm having all of the launchers and interviews and signings

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Speaker 3: at the same time as one of the most awful

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Speaker 3: grief stricken traumatic experiences is going on behind the scenes

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Speaker 3: with one of my closest people in my life, and

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Speaker 3: without giving details, it's one of those experiences where when

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Speaker 3: it started to unfold two weeks ago, the not in

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Speaker 3: my stomach was firstly grieving deep shock and grief alongside

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Speaker 3: my friend and at the same time guilt around I'm

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Speaker 3: about to ramp up promotion for my book, and it

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Speaker 3: just for two weeks there was so confusing. How do

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Speaker 3: I exist in this state of showing up and holding

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Speaker 3: support and space for my friend who is in the

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Speaker 3: lowest of low she has ever been in. We've grown

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Speaker 3: up together, We've experienced every life experience together, and this

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Speaker 3: is the most traumatic deep experience by far. And then

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Speaker 3: I meant to jump on a plane and go and

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Speaker 3: be in my shine and be in my light and

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Speaker 3: celebrate my book. And it's actually not a coincidence that

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Speaker 3: I speak about this in my book, which is how

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Speaker 3: can you still remain in your shine in moments of

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Speaker 3: your life that you are celebrating when people in your

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Speaker 3: life are experiencing hardship, Because that's the nature of life.

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Speaker 3: You are not always going to be in shine alongside

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Speaker 3: all of the people in your life. Also being in shine,

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Speaker 3: you're going to go through the peaks and troughs and

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Speaker 3: the ebbs and flows. And so what I've come to

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Speaker 3: really rely on this week is, firstly, my friend wants

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Speaker 3: to see me celebrated and in shine, even in her hardship.

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Speaker 3: She's like, go out, like, keep these books us, like,

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Speaker 3: just have the best launch ever.

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Speaker 2: I want to see you in your light.

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Speaker 3: I don't want you to be canceling things because of

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Speaker 3: this experience. But also more than that, is what I've

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Speaker 3: come to learn. The more that we can unapologetically tap

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Speaker 3: into and hold our shine and our celebration, the more

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Speaker 3: we're able to show up for the people in our

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Speaker 3: life who need us. So the more that I'm getting

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Speaker 3: filled up by the celebration this week, the more I'm

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Speaker 3: able to go and literally last night spend five hours

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Speaker 3: on her couch, crying with her, holding space for her,

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Speaker 3: and really being present with her because I've been filled

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Speaker 3: up in those ways. So it's been a real space

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Speaker 3: of confusion, but I've come to lean into polarity and

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Speaker 3: going you can be in grief and celebration in the

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Speaker 3: same moment. The two can coexist and rather than wronging

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Speaker 3: ourselves for that, allowing yourself to be more present with

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Speaker 3: each emotion as it arises, and almost being the example

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Speaker 3: for other people in your life and giving them permission

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Speaker 3: to feel what they're feeling in any given moment as well.

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Speaker 4: Wow, that is so powerful. Yeah, you're sharing that with us.

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Speaker 4: And also we're so sorry to hear about your luck

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Speaker 4: and your friend's last thank you. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so tough, and because I think a lot

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Speaker 1: of people can relate to that, whether something is happening

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Speaker 1: in their life or somebody that they know in their life,

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Speaker 1: even just with a lot of the things that are

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Speaker 1: happening in the world at the moment, Absolutely it can

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Speaker 1: feel really trivial to celebrate the good things in life

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Speaker 1: when there are so many awful things happening around the world.

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Speaker 1: So I think that is such a solid reminder for

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Speaker 1: everybody at any point. So thank you so much for sharing.

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Speaker 2: Thank you, it's amazing.

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Speaker 4: Okay, my life lesson is a little bit of spicey tech,

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Speaker 4: But my life lesson of the week is that you

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Speaker 4: can do an absolutely stellar job and there will still

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Speaker 4: be people telling you you didn't deserve it, and Basically,

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Speaker 4: this comes from watching that this week a bunch of

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Speaker 4: incredible women in media were invited to the government in

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Speaker 4: Canberra to discuss the budget.

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Speaker 2: And I have never.

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Speaker 4: Been more disappointed to see some of the media that

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Speaker 4: came out in response to this.

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Speaker 1: One of the quotes which I will share.

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Speaker 4: To give a little bit of a recap, there were

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Speaker 4: some incredible women that have the creditation to be invited.

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Speaker 4: They either are financial advisors, they have journalism degrees like

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Speaker 4: Hannah Ferguson from Cheek tash in Best Emma Edwards like

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Speaker 4: these women are so incredible and powerful within this space

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Speaker 4: and absolutely.

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Speaker 2: Deserve to be here.

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Speaker 4: So here's a quote from the Financial Review. Faced with

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Speaker 4: a budget that no one wants to be out, the

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Speaker 4: government's media strategists threw open the doors to self obsessed

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Speaker 4: gen z and millennial influencers. They're also far less likely

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Speaker 4: to be the ones to call out charmers playing funny

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Speaker 4: with the numbers. What a result, and I just was

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Speaker 4: disgusted by this. Also, the Age released an article saying

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Speaker 4: the government invites influences to budget and what a loaded

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Speaker 4: what a loaded headline. It's supposed to piss people off.

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Speaker 4: It's supposed to discredit these women who have worked so

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Speaker 4: so hard to take up space within financial media or

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Speaker 4: just new media in general, which was very much a

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Speaker 4: male dominated area traditionally, and for them to be invited

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Speaker 4: to the government to discuss the budget is incredible. And

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Speaker 4: they all did an amazing job. They did challenge things

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Speaker 4: within the budget, they did report on it objectively, and

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Speaker 4: I just was watching it and just thinking, fuck, you

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Speaker 4: can do ten out of ten job, and there will

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Speaker 4: always be people trying to bring you down, and just

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Speaker 4: the life lesson as well of you will never look

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Speaker 4: good trying to make someone look bad.

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Speaker 2: Oh, I love that.

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Speaker 4: I'm so tired of this narrative that influencers and content

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Speaker 4: creators are bitchy or like, don't.

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Speaker 2: Have intelligence, Yeah, they don't have any selling or not

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Speaker 2: so anything.

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Speaker 1: Like.

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Speaker 4: I'm so tired of seeing that influencer events are bitchy

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Speaker 4: or people aren't intelligent or whatever. And I don't think

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Speaker 4: it's a coincidence that this is probably one of the

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Speaker 4: most female dominated industries that this narrative is put around

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Speaker 4: that everyone's fucking bitchy or caddy or stupid or ditsy

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Speaker 4: or bimbowie.

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Speaker 2: And I'm like, are we done yet? Yeah? Are we

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Speaker 2: done yet?

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Speaker 1: It's twenty twenty five?

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Speaker 2: What is it going to take?

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Speaker 4: Like, I can only speak to my experience within this industry.

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Speaker 2: Everyone's fucking lovely. Yeah, that's tired.

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Speaker 1: And there are so many incredibly smart, yeah, caring and

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Speaker 1: empathetic people in this industry. And I think that's why

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Speaker 1: they invited these people to sit in on the budget

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Speaker 1: is because they know that that's how younger people consume

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Speaker 1: media and connect with each other, and these are the

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Speaker 1: channels that they can get through to that otherwise Like sorry, afar,

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Speaker 1: but like gen Z isn't reading your yard.

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Speaker 4: No, there's literally multiple studies that show that gen Z

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Speaker 4: use social media to get their information and use more

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Speaker 4: than they use a Google search engine.

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Speaker 2: And to me, it's just giving threatened show up and

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Speaker 2: shine any show up.

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Speaker 4: And shine anyway, and literally you will never look good

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Speaker 4: trying to make someone else look bad.

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Speaker 3: I drove that, yeah road please, So.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Okay.

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Speaker 1: My life lesson of the Week is kind of a

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Speaker 1: callback to something that we've spoken about on the podcast

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Speaker 1: before that it is your parents' first time at life

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Speaker 1: and that I think it's really important to check in

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Speaker 1: on your parents and make sure that they're doing okay.

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Speaker 1: A lot of the time, we have this sort of

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Speaker 1: dynamic with our parents that they're the ones who are

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Speaker 1: checking in on you.

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Speaker 2: I know it's not always the case.

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Speaker 1: A lot of people have really different dynamics with their families.

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Speaker 1: I know that I definitely do. But there's something that

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Speaker 1: I've seen with someone who I'm really close with in

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Speaker 1: my life, and you know, they had a family situation

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Speaker 1: going on, and their parents sort of weren't divulging in

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Speaker 1: the information to them because, you know, they don't want

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Speaker 1: to burden them. They feel like, oh, well, you've got

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Speaker 1: a lot going on with your work and you've you've

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Speaker 1: got your own life. I don't want to stress you

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Speaker 1: out about this. And I think in our parents' generation,

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Speaker 1: they're so much more closed off than ours are, and

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Speaker 1: they weren't raised with the same resources and conversations around

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Speaker 1: mental health and talking about that. But they're still human

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Speaker 1: at the end of the day. And I think that

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Speaker 1: asking the question are you okay, where are you at

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Speaker 1: with this? I've heard that you know this might be happening,

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Speaker 1: and kind of just broaching that conversation and knowing that

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Speaker 1: it might be a bit awkward. It might be a

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Speaker 1: bit uncomfortable, but I think that at the end of

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Speaker 1: the day, they are human and being asked those questions

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Speaker 1: and given that space can give them an opportunity to

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Speaker 1: open up. And I think it's just a good reminder.

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Speaker 1: I think it's something that everybody will have to deal with,

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Speaker 1: whether it is a parent or you know, a family

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Speaker 1: member or a friend or somebody else who might be

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Speaker 1: a little bit closed off. But I think just give

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Speaker 1: them a little bit of grace and don't be afraid

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Speaker 1: to ask the questions. It's really beautiful, all right, should

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Speaker 1: we get into the episode.

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Speaker 2: That's the way.

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Speaker 4: I'm so excited for this because I think being a

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Speaker 4: people pleaser is basically just rooted in us now, like

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Speaker 4: I think everyone can relate to probably elements of their life.

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Speaker 4: But also I do think people don't pick up on

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Speaker 4: the fact that they are people pleasing at certain times.

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Speaker 4: So what are five signs that your people please are?

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Speaker 3: I love that it's not one sign, It's like five,

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Speaker 3: give us five, yes, right, first sign? Well, one of

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Speaker 3: the signs is you've got this deep seated resentment and

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Speaker 3: you can't quite place who it's toward or where it's

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Speaker 3: at but it's bubbling and simmering, and sometimes it can

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Speaker 3: feel like anger. Sometimes it can feel like bitterness, but

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Speaker 3: there's this feeling that's inside that is like I feel.

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Speaker 2: Bitter, I feel resentful.

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Speaker 3: Often people pleasers are cutting that along because they're not

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Speaker 3: actually asking for what they want or what they need

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Speaker 3: in their lives, and so the resentment can build up

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Speaker 3: over time, and it could be resentment toward people that

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Speaker 3: you love, friends and family, your partner, but because you

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Speaker 3: haven't been vocal about the things that you need, or

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Speaker 3: you've been putting your needs second to other peoples, that

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Speaker 3: resentment starts to build up over time, and we can

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Speaker 3: start to get quite, you know, snappy.

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Speaker 2: Or just moody withdrawn.

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Speaker 3: These sorts of behaviors can start to manifest. So that's

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Speaker 3: a big sign. Another one is where you find yourself

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Speaker 3: saying yes two more things than ideal. And an example

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Speaker 3: is you might have had a really big week at

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Speaker 3: work and it's your friend's birthday on Saturday night, but

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Speaker 3: all you want to do is stay at hominge your

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Speaker 3: two cats and.

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Speaker 2: Rate and every fiber of your being.

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Speaker 3: It's not just want to You don't want to celebrate

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Speaker 3: your friend it's that your body is screaming at you

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Speaker 3: that I just need to rest, but you say yes,

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Speaker 3: and you go anyway, and then you end up getting

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Speaker 3: a cold and that turns into a flu, and that

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Speaker 3: turns into your systems run down.

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Speaker 2: And down, and it feels quite personal.

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Speaker 3: So catching yourself in the moments that you are saying

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Speaker 3: yes when you want to be saying no. People pleaser

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Speaker 3: hyper availability, and this is when we all do so.

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Speaker 3: Examples are someone's texted you and you feel like you

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Speaker 3: have to get back to them right away, or there's

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Speaker 3: someone calling you and you're just not in the headspace

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Speaker 3: to take the phone call, but you answer anyway, or

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Speaker 3: that your dms on Instagram are like piling up and

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Speaker 3: you know you can turn off the messages on your stories,

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Speaker 3: but you keep them open because it's better for engagement,

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Speaker 3: but it's actually exhausting you.

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Speaker 2: People pleas are.

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Speaker 3: Another thing that I see manifest physically in people pleases

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Speaker 3: is some experience with fatigue or burnout, because and it's

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Speaker 3: not every case, but a lot of the instances in

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Speaker 3: my own personal life and in the personal lives of

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Speaker 3: people close to me, we become fatigued, We become burned,

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Speaker 3: out because we are not choosing things for ourselves. We

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Speaker 3: are choosing to persevere with the nine to five that's

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Speaker 3: draining us, and we're choosing to live in the environment

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Speaker 3: that's actually really chaotic and activates anxiety in our systems.

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Speaker 3: We're choosing certain behaviors that we know aren't good for us,

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Speaker 3: and then over time have repercussions that could look like

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Speaker 3: a burnout, a fatigue, a dreamal fatigue. Also, something that

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Speaker 3: I experienced personally was just getting sick a lot. My

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Speaker 3: immune system was constantly run down because I wasn't actually

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Speaker 3: taking moments of space for myself. If there was space

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Speaker 3: in my calendar, I'll feel it. Yes, I'm free because

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Speaker 3: my Sunday is free. So okay, I'll meet you and

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Speaker 3: do that thing with you and then go do that thing.

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Speaker 3: So space, I will say, is a little bit of

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Speaker 3: a digression. Doesn't just because you have a spacing a

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Speaker 3: calendar doesn't mean you're available. So it's also acknowledging that

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Speaker 3: where are you carving out space for yourself?

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Speaker 2: And I would say the fifth piece I think.

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Speaker 3: We're at five is noticing where you're living from a

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Speaker 3: place of should versus want, I should catch up with

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Speaker 3: that person because they're so lovely and you know, they

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Speaker 3: just want a half an hour of my time. I

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Speaker 3: should apply for that job because even though it looks

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Speaker 3: like hectic hours, it's going to pay me really well.

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Speaker 2: I should go to that group.

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Speaker 3: Gathering, even though the WhatsApp chat is doing my head

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Speaker 3: in and I'd rather have a night at home. It's

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Speaker 3: becoming aware of your shoulds versus your wants.

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Speaker 2: So people pleasers are shoulting all over themselves.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, well yeah, five for five man.

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Speaker 3: And the other one that I'll just bring astrochat into

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Speaker 3: it just briefly. But if you have a Libra placement

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Speaker 3: strong lib replacement, people pleaser.

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Speaker 2: So Libras are people please it. Oh yeah, they put

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Speaker 2: the needs of everyone before themselves. Oh, librasud libramoon, lib rising.

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah.

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Speaker 4: So if you have any Libra on your staff, signed you.

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Speaker 2: Know I'm talking to you. Oh my gosh.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, because Libra struggles to make decisions, don't they.

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Speaker 3: They're so indecisive and they're like, oh, okay, I'll just

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Speaker 3: do everything for you, make you. They don't want conflict,

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Speaker 3: conflict avoid avoiders conflict avoids.

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Speaker 1: In the book, you explain that I guess our experiences

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Speaker 1: with people pleasing can be explained quite a bit about

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Speaker 1: our experiences in the past, our family history, things like that.

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Speaker 1: Can you explain why that is and the science in that.

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Speaker 3: It was a really interesting part of the process writing

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Speaker 3: this book where I started to join these dots around

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Speaker 3: people pleasing and then chronic illness and then childhood trauma.

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Speaker 3: And it was dots that were just joining in my

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Speaker 3: mind as I was writing. And you guys have had

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Speaker 3: my sister on before, you know her experience with chronic

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Speaker 3: illness and again reform people please the same with me,

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Speaker 3: and I just knew through the lens of our own childhood.

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Speaker 3: I'm like, there has to be science that bridges the

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Speaker 3: gaps between all three and why I found was really interesting.

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Speaker 2: So I'll read a couple of the studies, if that's okay.

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Speaker 3: So one study I found documents a consistent association between

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Speaker 3: childhood trauma and negative health consequences in adulthood, including stress

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Speaker 3: related illnesses, suppressed immune functioning, and unexplained somatic symptoms. And

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Speaker 3: another study found that adults with a higher ACE score

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Speaker 3: so that stands for adverse childhood experiences something like abuse

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Speaker 3: in the home or violence or emotional neglect, these sorts

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Speaker 3: of things. The higher your ACE level, you're also at

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Speaker 3: a higher risk of developing an autoimmune condition. So it

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Speaker 3: evidence that exposure to traumatic toxic stress triggers changes in

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Speaker 3: the immune system. And add to the above that children

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Speaker 3: who have grown up with a multitude of acees are

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Speaker 3: likely operating from a baseline of PTSD well into adulthood.

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Speaker 3: So where kids running around with PTSD not even realizing

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Speaker 3: we are, obviously we're already in that heightened stress response,

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Speaker 3: in that state of like, I'm just need to do

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Speaker 3: whatever I can to be safe, So I am going

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Speaker 3: to be agreeable, I am going to put the needs

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Speaker 3: of everyone else before myself. It is safe for me

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Speaker 3: to sit down and be quiet and not advocate for

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Speaker 3: myself and not set boundaries.

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Speaker 2: As a child, then what this.

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Speaker 3: Teaches us over time, repeat and behavior and all that

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Speaker 3: is that.

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Speaker 2: That's the safe thing to do.

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Speaker 3: So putting others before yourself equates to safety because the

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Speaker 3: stress and the PTSD is telling you that. And then

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Speaker 3: what happens in adulthood is when you start to you know,

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Speaker 3: you've been in this heightened stress response for a decade

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Speaker 3: or two.

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Speaker 2: This is when the chronic illness starts to manifest.

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Speaker 3: This is where your body starts to say enough, you

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Speaker 3: have been putting the needs of everyone before me. And

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Speaker 3: this is when I was saying, you know, you could

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Speaker 3: get little niggles, you could get fatigued, you could get

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Speaker 3: sick more often, because we have just been so adamant

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Speaker 3: in being in safety, which meant putting other people before ourselves.

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Speaker 3: And it's not until for me at least, I got

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Speaker 3: to this point of physical manifestation that I went, oh,

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Speaker 3: I actually cannot afford to choose anyone before me. Now

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Speaker 3: literally can't get out of bed, So I'm going to

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Speaker 3: have to start to look after myself first, say yes

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Speaker 3: to me and pick up the pieces from there.

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Speaker 4: Wow. So like I'm kind of coming back from everything

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Speaker 4: that you just said then that that's fucking wild. And

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Speaker 4: I also think it's so validating probably for a lot

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Speaker 4: of people to hear that it's not their fault.

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Speaker 2: It's not their fault.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: When I did that research and realized and joy as

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Speaker 3: I wrote that part of the book, I was tears

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Speaker 3: streaming my face because I started to have more compassion

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Speaker 3: for that version of me. It's a part of the

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Speaker 3: book that My sister cried in as well, and she's

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Speaker 3: a tough nut to crack, but she.

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Speaker 2: Was the same.

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Speaker 3: Because it's like I feel so seen, seen and validated

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Speaker 3: and it's not my fault and it's not your fault.

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Speaker 2: But when we know that, we.

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Speaker 3: Can start to change things, which is literally the premise

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Speaker 3: of the book.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, because I do think that, like the term people

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Speaker 4: please are we throw around very lightly and that's okay,

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Speaker 4: like we can do that, but well, sometimes we don't

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Speaker 4: maybe recognize the gravity of identifying with that and being like, oh,

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Speaker 4: I'm just being a people pleaser or I'm just and

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Speaker 4: like maybe we don't even really see it as negative

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Speaker 4: as we should sometimes, Like maybe some people sometimes are

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Speaker 4: proud of being a people pleaser because they think it

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Speaker 4: makes them a nicer person or an agreeable person, and

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Speaker 4: they're like, oh, I don't like conflict, so like you know,

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Speaker 4: it's and they kind of try to reconcile with that

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Speaker 4: in a way that it's like they'd rather be a

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Speaker 4: people pleaser than be upsetting people. But I think you

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Speaker 4: speaking to all the negative impacts that it truly does

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Speaker 4: have on you and your nervous system.

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Speaker 1: Is really really powerful.

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Speaker 4: But I would love to know what are your zero

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Speaker 4: dollar hacks for regulating your nervous system and how do

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Speaker 4: they work.

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Speaker 3: So when I wrote the book, something that was really

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Speaker 3: important to me was each of the practices around nervous

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Speaker 3: system regulation were free and readily available. I'm like, we

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Speaker 3: need to make this accessible, we need to make it easy.

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Speaker 3: We see everyone jumping in the ice pass like, good

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Speaker 3: for them, I'm never going to do it.

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Speaker 2: No, I'm never going to do it.

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Speaker 3: And also so it can actually have negative repercussions for

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Speaker 3: someone in a heightened stress state, like an ice bath

398
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Speaker 3: for me, not okay, because my quorterzol is so high, I'll.

399
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Speaker 2: Get out and probably have a panic attack.

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Speaker 3: So I wanted to look at Okay, let's just break

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00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,320
Speaker 3: it down to the minute task we can do every

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Speaker 3: day that are super easy and available. And I spoke

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Speaker 3: to a friend of mine who studied applied neuroscience and

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Speaker 3: human behavior about this, and the basis of all of

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Speaker 3: the practices I teach is actually rooted in what will

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Speaker 3: impact your heart rate variability or your HRV.

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Speaker 2: So you see people wearing the whoop or that.

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Speaker 3: We're orring oh go friend, So I was wearing the

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Speaker 3: whoop row adding the book, and I was starting to

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Speaker 3: notice my HRV change in these really small, incremental ways.

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Speaker 2: So the HRV tracks.

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Speaker 3: Your autonomic nervous system, which is made up of your

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00:19:48,359 --> 00:19:51,520
Speaker 3: sympathetic in your parasympathetic nervous systems. So that's where my

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Speaker 3: brain went, Okay, I just need to do things and

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Speaker 3: track what markedly changes my HRV.

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Speaker 2: Because I had a really really low HRV.

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Speaker 3: I was chronically unwell when I wrote this book, like

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Speaker 3: I wouldn't be able to sit here when I was

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Speaker 3: writing this book. It's been huge shifts in the last year,

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Speaker 3: and it's based on these really simple hacks. So I

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00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,640
Speaker 3: spoke to Britt Wild and she shared the first thing

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Speaker 3: was morning sunlight.

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Speaker 2: It's like, okay, so before you this is the trick.

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Speaker 3: Before you pick up your phone, before you look at

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Speaker 3: a screen, you get outside it can't be through a

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00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:25,199
Speaker 3: glass window, and you get sunlight in your eyes. This

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Speaker 3: is going to impact your exposure to melatonin and your

428
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Speaker 3: circadian rhythms. What's going to happen there is actually one

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Speaker 3: of the highest biometric shifts in your HIV. Because once

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Speaker 3: you're working with your circadian rhythm in this way, you

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Speaker 3: get better quality sleep and we all know how important sleep.

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Speaker 2: Is to our recovery.

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Speaker 3: So your actual quality of sleep starts the minute you

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Speaker 3: open your eyes and get out into that sun. It

435
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,760
Speaker 3: can be on a cloudy day, you're not like staring

436
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:54,879
Speaker 3: in the sun. But yeah, I like to make my cacal.

437
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:56,840
Speaker 3: I go out a barefoot on the grass. It's like

438
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:59,200
Speaker 3: all the bio hacking things. And then I stand outside.

439
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:02,439
Speaker 3: I'm just outside and the sunlight is there. So market

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Speaker 3: improvement in my HIV. Another example is hydration, and so

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Speaker 3: what I started to see is the quality of water

442
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:11,960
Speaker 3: and how much I was drinking HIV. It's the biggest

443
00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:16,879
Speaker 3: it's the biggest improvement in most people's HIV is adding

444
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:21,080
Speaker 3: electrolytes to your water. So I use the mini and

445
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:23,760
Speaker 3: me Hydromamma ones. Yeah, they're cute, they're fun, we love them.

446
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:28,600
Speaker 3: It's just adding extra quality to your water and regularity

447
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,800
Speaker 3: of how much water you're drinking. Another one, I spoke

448
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:34,159
Speaker 3: to a functional medicine practitioner and she spoke to me

449
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:38,840
Speaker 3: about the importance of nutrition and how regularly you're eating

450
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,320
Speaker 3: and the quality of food you're eating. So, for example,

451
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:44,640
Speaker 3: before I spoke to her, I was never a snacker.

452
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:46,720
Speaker 3: I just kind of have like my big breakfast and

453
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:48,280
Speaker 3: then I have lunch in the arvo, and then I'd

454
00:21:48,359 --> 00:21:49,720
Speaker 3: have a big dinner. I was like, I don't need

455
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:53,640
Speaker 3: any snacks. What was actually happening is I was experiencing hypos,

456
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:55,600
Speaker 3: so I was going low in between meals.

457
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,000
Speaker 2: That trigger is a stress response in your system.

458
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:01,679
Speaker 3: So then your sympathetic nervous system is on high alert

459
00:22:02,119 --> 00:22:03,720
Speaker 3: and your body feels unsafe.

460
00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:06,040
Speaker 2: So how regularly you feed yourself?

461
00:22:06,119 --> 00:22:09,480
Speaker 3: Actually shouldn't be four hours between putting something in your

462
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:12,119
Speaker 3: mouth to eat. How long should it be? It should

463
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:15,320
Speaker 3: be like between two to three. You should be eating regularly.

464
00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:18,680
Speaker 3: There's also I mean there's so many under the nutrition

465
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:20,920
Speaker 3: segment alone in the book, but things like make sure

466
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:22,960
Speaker 3: you eat your breakfast before you have your morning coffee

467
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:25,280
Speaker 3: because that's gonna shift whether your body feels safe or on.

468
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:29,000
Speaker 3: Protein is the other thing. So and I know I

469
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:31,240
Speaker 3: was pescatarian for seventeen years.

470
00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:33,520
Speaker 2: Oh wow, seven from sixteen.

471
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:34,960
Speaker 3: Until when I had my little girl three years ago,

472
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:38,359
Speaker 3: and then something in mishifted. Obviously my body telling me

473
00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:42,600
Speaker 3: protein in your yeah, biggest meet inner you'll know in

474
00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:45,080
Speaker 3: the world. Wow, it's crazy. I speak about that in

475
00:22:45,119 --> 00:22:49,000
Speaker 3: the book to around identity. But protein and thirty grams

476
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:51,560
Speaker 3: of protein per meal is what your body wants from

477
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:54,520
Speaker 3: a nervous system perspective. So it's all these things that

478
00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:56,560
Speaker 3: are like little hacks you can do in your day,

479
00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:57,679
Speaker 3: and we've just set.

480
00:22:57,560 --> 00:23:00,600
Speaker 2: You, set you up for breakfast like this so much more.

481
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:03,640
Speaker 3: I talk about journaling, breath work, eft, all of these

482
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,160
Speaker 3: incredible practices you can start to integrate into your day

483
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:09,000
Speaker 3: or your week or your months. It's readily available and

484
00:23:09,119 --> 00:23:13,200
Speaker 3: have market improvements on your HRV and therefore your nervous system.

485
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:16,840
Speaker 4: It's so true as well because when we like you

486
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:21,080
Speaker 4: can track your stress with the Ura ring and it's

487
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:24,080
Speaker 4: just wild, how like you do the little habits and

488
00:23:24,119 --> 00:23:25,800
Speaker 4: I'll look at it and I'm like, yeah, you can

489
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:26,760
Speaker 4: fucking see, Yeah, you can.

490
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:28,000
Speaker 2: See, and it might not make sense.

491
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:31,040
Speaker 4: I find it diabolical because you're like sometimes you sit

492
00:23:31,119 --> 00:23:33,000
Speaker 4: there and you're like, yeah, okay, sitting in the soul,

493
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:34,800
Speaker 4: like that's not gonna do anything, And then you look

494
00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:36,520
Speaker 4: at you're like, fuck, it works, yeah, and.

495
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:37,800
Speaker 2: It jumps like twenty percent.

496
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:42,800
Speaker 4: Yeah, Like when you actually become like regulated with moving

497
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:44,520
Speaker 4: your body and you do it consistently, and you're like,

498
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:49,920
Speaker 4: damn it, they were right. They fear they were correct

499
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:52,120
Speaker 4: when they said that moving your body.

500
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:52,719
Speaker 1: Will make you feel better.

501
00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:54,000
Speaker 2: I'm like, fuck it, I know.

502
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,800
Speaker 1: But the good news is that it is like all

503
00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:58,920
Speaker 1: of the tips that you've mentioned just now are really

504
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:01,600
Speaker 1: affordable and accessible.

505
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:03,240
Speaker 2: It's important.

506
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:06,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, So really, there's no excuse for the people pleasers

507
00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:09,120
Speaker 1: who are listening, two of which are in the room

508
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:10,080
Speaker 1: with you right now.

509
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:10,520
Speaker 2: Hello.

510
00:24:12,359 --> 00:24:15,679
Speaker 1: It can be really hard to set those boundaries, especially

511
00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:18,280
Speaker 1: when you're in that habit and routine. So what are

512
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:21,200
Speaker 1: some strategies that we can introduce to start saying no.

513
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:24,679
Speaker 3: Yeah, I love this question because it's not as it

514
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:27,560
Speaker 3: doesn't have to be as confrontational as we think it's

515
00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:30,280
Speaker 3: going to be. I can talk about this because I promise,

516
00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:34,479
Speaker 3: I guarantee you. I was the OG people pleaser and

517
00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:37,480
Speaker 3: I had no boundaries and I've literally just written to

518
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:40,080
Speaker 3: everything I've started to implement. And some of the first

519
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:43,200
Speaker 3: things that I implemented was just being less readily available

520
00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:45,600
Speaker 3: to people. So that doesn't mean sitting down and saying

521
00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:47,800
Speaker 3: it out right. No, it looked like a few things

522
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:50,040
Speaker 3: for me, I'd have my phone on, do not disturb

523
00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:50,680
Speaker 3: a lot more.

524
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:52,440
Speaker 2: I would never have it on do not disturb.

525
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:56,440
Speaker 3: Before I was like please disturb me, like like I

526
00:24:56,840 --> 00:25:00,960
Speaker 3: am available to be disturbed, and now it's like no, unavailable.

527
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:04,080
Speaker 3: When there were certain people in my life that I

528
00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:07,760
Speaker 3: have actually had to end relationships with, including a family

529
00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:11,199
Speaker 3: member and some friends, where I haven't felt that my

530
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:15,440
Speaker 3: boundaries were actually ever going to be respected or acknowledged.

531
00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:17,600
Speaker 3: So I'm not saying that it's going to be easy

532
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:19,600
Speaker 3: all of the time, but what's going to happen is

533
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:21,800
Speaker 3: you're going to start doing these little incremental shifts, and

534
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:24,560
Speaker 3: then there's going to be pushbacks. So examples are, you know,

535
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,399
Speaker 3: my family member calling me and I know they'll be

536
00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:29,800
Speaker 3: upset with me if I don't answer, but I'm really

537
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:32,160
Speaker 3: not in the headspace to answer, and I'd be answering

538
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:34,600
Speaker 3: from a should versus a want, And so I'd screen

539
00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:37,760
Speaker 3: the call and then I get the backlash of you

540
00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:39,639
Speaker 3: didn't answer my call when I called you, and so

541
00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:41,840
Speaker 3: I'd just hold the boundary and then I'd get the

542
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:44,439
Speaker 3: text message why are you ignoring me? And I'd just

543
00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:46,480
Speaker 3: write back, I'm not available to speak right now. These

544
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:48,560
Speaker 3: sorts of things is like it's almost like you need

545
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:52,400
Speaker 3: to just start to assert really micro boundaries like screening

546
00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:55,240
Speaker 3: the call, not being readily available in the texts, turning

547
00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:58,879
Speaker 3: off the replies on your stories, maybe leaving.

548
00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:01,880
Speaker 2: The WhatsApp group scandalous.

549
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:04,120
Speaker 3: And that could that could just be saying something along

550
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:06,199
Speaker 3: the lines of, hey, guys, I'm just raining into my

551
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:08,320
Speaker 3: tech use at the moment, my social media use, so

552
00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:10,120
Speaker 3: I'm just going to exit this group, love you all.

553
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:10,520
Speaker 1: Bye.

554
00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:12,840
Speaker 3: Also, what you're doing is set in an example for

555
00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:14,840
Speaker 3: the other people in the group. I think something that

556
00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:16,560
Speaker 3: was really helpful for me at the time I started

557
00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:18,840
Speaker 3: to practice all of these is I was pregnant, so

558
00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:22,159
Speaker 3: I could really use that as the excuse of, like,

559
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:24,680
Speaker 3: I'm just harnessing my energy, I'm just reining it in.

560
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:25,960
Speaker 2: I'm just really focusing on me.

561
00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:29,960
Speaker 3: So that was a nice little kind of back, like, yeah,

562
00:26:30,119 --> 00:26:33,280
Speaker 3: back to rely on. But that said, it doesn't have

563
00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:36,320
Speaker 3: to be outright saying no, I'm not available and this

564
00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:38,120
Speaker 3: is a boundary of mine. I think when we come

565
00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:41,159
Speaker 3: like that, it's too harsh, and actually we create the

566
00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:43,960
Speaker 3: conflict that we want to avoid the biggest thing.

567
00:26:44,359 --> 00:26:45,160
Speaker 2: Is being honest.

568
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,159
Speaker 3: Just practicing honesty with the people in your life saying,

569
00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:52,159
Speaker 3: you know, if they've invited you to something and you

570
00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:55,440
Speaker 3: don't want to go, explaining I love you so much

571
00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:58,240
Speaker 3: and I'm in full celebration of you. I'd love to

572
00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:00,480
Speaker 3: take you to breakfast next week. I actually had a

573
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,119
Speaker 3: huge week at work. I feel like I'm run down

574
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:05,080
Speaker 3: and I just need to catch up on my sleep.

575
00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:09,720
Speaker 3: It's not always going to be received well, but after

576
00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:11,840
Speaker 3: the first one, it's like any muscle, the more you

577
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:14,240
Speaker 3: train it, the easier it becomes, and the stronger you get.

578
00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:18,080
Speaker 3: And I promise you, after the first two or three instances,

579
00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:21,040
Speaker 3: people are going to start to respond to you differently.

580
00:27:21,119 --> 00:27:23,320
Speaker 3: Because I say it in the book, we train people

581
00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:26,280
Speaker 3: how to behave with us. If we've always been a

582
00:27:26,359 --> 00:27:28,639
Speaker 3: yes girl, and we've always been I'll be their girl.

583
00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:30,760
Speaker 3: Then you will get pushed back when you start to

584
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:32,920
Speaker 3: say no, I actually need to choose myself.

585
00:27:33,119 --> 00:27:34,639
Speaker 2: You will have the no in your stomach. It will

586
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:35,600
Speaker 2: feel uncomfortable.

587
00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:38,000
Speaker 3: On the other side of that, it's just going to

588
00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:40,560
Speaker 3: become easier and easier, to the point where it's almost

589
00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:42,760
Speaker 3: like you're pruning a garden of the people in your life,

590
00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:45,359
Speaker 3: the people who really do love you and appreciate you

591
00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:48,240
Speaker 3: and want the best for you, are going to potentially

592
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:51,800
Speaker 3: still feel hurt, but say I understand, and the people

593
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:55,280
Speaker 3: who don't will disappear, They will remove yourself.

594
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:59,440
Speaker 4: It's so powerful being that we train people of how

595
00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:01,679
Speaker 4: we want them to treat us. So there's been a

596
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:05,520
Speaker 4: lot of conversation about how people can weaponize therapy speak

597
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:10,920
Speaker 4: in quotations to avoid responsibilities. Where's the line between setting

598
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:12,399
Speaker 4: boundaries and being selfish?

599
00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:14,000
Speaker 2: It's such a good question.

600
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:17,080
Speaker 3: So actually my first book, The People Pleaser's Guide to

601
00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:20,080
Speaker 3: Putting Yourself First. So that's like the first one I

602
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:25,200
Speaker 3: dissect the definition of selfish and actually look at because

603
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:28,679
Speaker 3: I'm a word gal, and the definition of selfish is

604
00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:33,840
Speaker 3: basically rooted in doing something at the cost of someone

605
00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:38,160
Speaker 3: else to harm them. So selfishness has this connotation when

606
00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:41,800
Speaker 3: you look at what it's defined as as intentionally wanting

607
00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:45,960
Speaker 3: to hurt someone at the cost of you choosing yourself.

608
00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:50,760
Speaker 3: So we've kind of completely hijacked the definition of selfish. Yes,

609
00:28:51,400 --> 00:28:54,400
Speaker 3: we've gone, Oh, choosing myself too much makes me selfish.

610
00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:57,280
Speaker 3: It's like, hang on a second, I don't know many

611
00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:00,520
Speaker 3: people that are actually actively going out of their way

612
00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:02,200
Speaker 3: to make someone else feel bad.

613
00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:03,520
Speaker 2: By choosing themselves.

614
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:06,560
Speaker 3: Often times we're avoiding choosing ourselves because we don't want

615
00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:06,840
Speaker 3: to make the.

616
00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:08,800
Speaker 2: Other person feel instead of that.

617
00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:10,959
Speaker 3: So I think the first part of that is to

618
00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:15,640
Speaker 3: remind ourselves what selfishness actually is. That said, there can

619
00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:20,200
Speaker 3: be yeah, the weaponization of therapy speak absolutely and being like, oh,

620
00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:24,040
Speaker 3: I'm just asserting my boundaries and I'm just above or

621
00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:27,040
Speaker 3: you don't really understand where I'm coming from because I'm

622
00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:27,720
Speaker 3: doing the work.

623
00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:28,200
Speaker 2: You know that.

624
00:29:32,160 --> 00:29:34,120
Speaker 4: I'm glad I've never had to have a conversation with

625
00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:34,760
Speaker 4: anyone like that.

626
00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:37,280
Speaker 3: Me too, No, but I hear it, hear it happens.

627
00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:40,200
Speaker 3: So firstly you question your friendship with that person. No,

628
00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:44,200
Speaker 3: I think the line is actually it lies in what

629
00:29:44,240 --> 00:29:46,760
Speaker 3: I was speaking about earlier, being aware of your shoulds

630
00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:50,520
Speaker 3: versus your wants. Now there are some shoulds that will

631
00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:54,240
Speaker 3: be your responsibilities. An example I give is, you know,

632
00:29:54,640 --> 00:29:58,480
Speaker 3: I love nothing more than going to a bottomless brunch

633
00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:00,360
Speaker 3: with my girlfriends. But if that was happening on a

634
00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:02,760
Speaker 3: Wednesday morning when I had to have a meeting with

635
00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:04,720
Speaker 3: my accountant because I run a business and that was

636
00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:06,680
Speaker 3: the only time I was going to see him, I

637
00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:08,719
Speaker 3: want to go and do that thing. But I should

638
00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:11,920
Speaker 3: be showing up for that meeting because it's a responsibility.

639
00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:15,480
Speaker 3: I have same goes for you know, I have my

640
00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:18,120
Speaker 3: dogs and so I don't want to be out there

641
00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:20,280
Speaker 3: cleaning up after them, but it's a responsibility of looking

642
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:22,320
Speaker 3: after my dogs. So I think we need to get

643
00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:25,160
Speaker 3: really clear on our shoulds versus our wants. When we're

644
00:30:25,160 --> 00:30:29,480
Speaker 3: telling ourselves should that isn't a responsibility. That's when we

645
00:30:29,520 --> 00:30:32,600
Speaker 3: should shift into a want. Okay, when we're telling ourselves

646
00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:36,360
Speaker 3: our should that is a responsibility or a commitment we've made,

647
00:30:36,880 --> 00:30:38,800
Speaker 3: then we need to uphold that. And this is what

648
00:30:39,160 --> 00:30:43,080
Speaker 3: my big thing is, the flakiness of people who use

649
00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:44,280
Speaker 3: this as an excuse.

650
00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:45,840
Speaker 2: It kills me.

651
00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:48,160
Speaker 3: It's like, but you said you were you were going

652
00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:49,960
Speaker 3: to be there, and then you get the last minute

653
00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:53,520
Speaker 3: text of actually no I'm sick or actually no, okay,

654
00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:55,080
Speaker 3: you can get sick, but actually no, I.

655
00:30:55,120 --> 00:30:55,920
Speaker 2: Mean down every time.

656
00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:59,320
Speaker 3: It's every time, And it's like we'll stop making commitments

657
00:30:59,360 --> 00:31:02,400
Speaker 3: and saying yeah to things in advance.

658
00:31:02,840 --> 00:31:05,120
Speaker 2: That it's the flakiness that we need to be aware of.

659
00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:07,520
Speaker 3: Is if you've made a commitment to a friend and

660
00:31:07,640 --> 00:31:11,120
Speaker 3: you chose to say yes to them, uphold that you

661
00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:13,680
Speaker 3: made that choice. It's not about then, oh quickly on

662
00:31:13,680 --> 00:31:15,040
Speaker 3: the last mind in the morning, I really don't want

663
00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:16,280
Speaker 3: to go, so I'll make up an excuse and then

664
00:31:16,320 --> 00:31:18,200
Speaker 3: I'll tell a lie, and then I'll feel guilty all

665
00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:20,000
Speaker 3: day because I told a lie to my friend, and

666
00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:21,560
Speaker 3: your friend can feel that energy.

667
00:31:21,320 --> 00:31:22,640
Speaker 2: To It becomes really messy.

668
00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:24,080
Speaker 3: So if you don't want to go to a thing,

669
00:31:24,160 --> 00:31:26,960
Speaker 3: say it up front. If you said yes, follow through,

670
00:31:27,280 --> 00:31:29,560
Speaker 3: like you've made a commitment to someone else, and that's

671
00:31:29,560 --> 00:31:30,720
Speaker 3: your responsibility as a friend.

672
00:31:30,840 --> 00:31:31,480
Speaker 2: Some tough love.

673
00:31:31,720 --> 00:31:33,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that's so solid.

674
00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:35,880
Speaker 2: And in the book as well, you talk a.

675
00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:39,200
Speaker 1: Lot about your postpartum journey, which you did touch on

676
00:31:39,600 --> 00:31:43,440
Speaker 1: briefly earlier, and how that has completely transformed your life

677
00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:46,560
Speaker 1: and how you are pretty much a completely different person

678
00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:49,520
Speaker 1: when you were writing the first book versus now. Can

679
00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:53,320
Speaker 1: you talk us through that experience and how your I

680
00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:56,080
Speaker 1: guess attitude to boundaries has changed since then.

681
00:31:56,360 --> 00:31:59,160
Speaker 5: I am a hard ass now like I am so

682
00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:02,200
Speaker 5: on Oh my gosh, I am so I just give

683
00:32:02,320 --> 00:32:05,320
Speaker 5: less fus like And you'll talk to any mom and

684
00:32:05,320 --> 00:32:06,960
Speaker 5: they'll say the same thing when they become a mom.

685
00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:10,000
Speaker 2: It's like, I literally do not have the capacity to care,

686
00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:10,720
Speaker 2: to care.

687
00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:14,320
Speaker 3: My first year of postpartum was really messed up. I

688
00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:16,480
Speaker 3: go in detail in the book, but it triggered me.

689
00:32:16,640 --> 00:32:21,200
Speaker 3: It cascaded me into complex PTSD, compound trauma, postpartum depression,

690
00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:23,840
Speaker 3: and I also had a multitude of chronic illness inflammation.

691
00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:26,040
Speaker 2: It was just messy and it was a really awful time.

692
00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:31,040
Speaker 3: And so in that experience, every identifying factor of me disappeared.

693
00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:34,080
Speaker 3: I literally spent that year going who am I? It's

694
00:32:34,080 --> 00:32:36,080
Speaker 3: the first chapter of the book, Who am I? I

695
00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:38,920
Speaker 3: don't know who I am anymore? And how do I

696
00:32:38,960 --> 00:32:40,760
Speaker 3: even pick up the pieces when I don't relate to

697
00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:42,720
Speaker 3: who I was? But I have no idea where I'm going?

698
00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:47,320
Speaker 3: And so part of that that journey really informed the

699
00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:50,200
Speaker 3: development of an entire new identity, and I share in

700
00:32:50,240 --> 00:32:52,200
Speaker 3: the book the steps that I took to start to

701
00:32:53,520 --> 00:32:56,760
Speaker 3: find pieces of myself again, find joy again, find my

702
00:32:56,840 --> 00:32:57,400
Speaker 3: light again.

703
00:32:57,440 --> 00:33:00,000
Speaker 2: And it was in places like joining community.

704
00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:05,280
Speaker 3: I hadn't I am a community theater girlie, and I

705
00:33:05,920 --> 00:33:09,320
Speaker 3: hadn't stepped on a stage since year twelve Musical Greece.

706
00:33:10,160 --> 00:33:11,840
Speaker 2: Musical, Yeah Mat.

707
00:33:12,720 --> 00:33:15,240
Speaker 3: And then next minute, like three years ago, I'm stepping

708
00:33:15,280 --> 00:33:18,880
Speaker 3: into this hall of people I don't know. Everyone's like, hey, like,

709
00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:21,440
Speaker 3: I don't know any of you, and doing an audition

710
00:33:21,560 --> 00:33:23,880
Speaker 3: for the local play fast Track to Now.

711
00:33:23,920 --> 00:33:25,440
Speaker 2: And they're some of my best friends in the world.

712
00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:28,040
Speaker 3: And I have this outlet that's not motherhood and not

713
00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:30,440
Speaker 3: my work, that's just for me and just for joy,

714
00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:32,520
Speaker 3: and I get to be my fullest expression of self.

715
00:33:32,920 --> 00:33:35,680
Speaker 3: If I hadn't gone through the tumultuous time of motherhood,

716
00:33:35,920 --> 00:33:38,480
Speaker 3: I wouldn't have stepped into that version of me. So

717
00:33:38,640 --> 00:33:41,880
Speaker 3: part of that reidentifying, I've started to pick up pieces

718
00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:44,360
Speaker 3: that I had neglected or left behind in school, because

719
00:33:44,360 --> 00:33:46,240
Speaker 3: we get into adulthood and we tell ourselves, you.

720
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:48,920
Speaker 2: Know, it's time to be serious, so it's time to drop.

721
00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:51,320
Speaker 3: The ball and things we love and so that's been

722
00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:54,720
Speaker 3: an incredible part of who I've become because of that experience.

723
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:57,360
Speaker 3: But yeah, the boundaries piece for me is when you

724
00:33:57,400 --> 00:34:01,360
Speaker 3: are so unwell and you have a little human relying

725
00:34:01,400 --> 00:34:04,640
Speaker 3: on your every beck and call, you just you don't

726
00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:07,480
Speaker 3: have time and space. So it gets to the point

727
00:34:07,520 --> 00:34:10,160
Speaker 3: where this was actually the moment that I decided to

728
00:34:10,320 --> 00:34:15,000
Speaker 3: end my relationship with my dad. I couldn't handle the

729
00:34:15,520 --> 00:34:18,400
Speaker 3: relationship as it was, and it wasn't going to change,

730
00:34:18,520 --> 00:34:21,840
Speaker 3: and it was adding unnecessary stress and overwhelm to the

731
00:34:21,880 --> 00:34:25,000
Speaker 3: point where it's the biggest decision I've ever had to

732
00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:26,879
Speaker 3: make in saying yes to myself. And I talk about

733
00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:30,200
Speaker 3: this in the book, But on the other side of it,

734
00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:33,439
Speaker 3: the liberation and the freedom and the oh my gosh,

735
00:34:33,520 --> 00:34:35,960
Speaker 3: I really did choose myself in that moment, and I

736
00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:38,880
Speaker 3: feel less anxious, I feel less stressed. I'm able to

737
00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:42,600
Speaker 3: focus on my healing now huge repercussions. Now that doesn't

738
00:34:42,640 --> 00:34:44,319
Speaker 3: mean everyone needs to go and become a strange from

739
00:34:44,320 --> 00:34:47,719
Speaker 3: a parent, but get it can be that, or it

740
00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:49,000
Speaker 3: can be ending a friendship.

741
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:50,080
Speaker 2: I did the same thing.

742
00:34:50,239 --> 00:34:52,239
Speaker 3: I had to end a friendship and say, I just

743
00:34:52,280 --> 00:34:55,040
Speaker 3: don't think it's serving us, either of us anymore. It

744
00:34:55,400 --> 00:34:58,600
Speaker 3: feels quite you know, I'm never good enough and I

745
00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:00,879
Speaker 3: don't like that feeling. And a little girl to look

746
00:35:00,920 --> 00:35:03,400
Speaker 3: after now, so I can't be in those feelings anymore.

747
00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:05,920
Speaker 3: So I think since becoming a mum, I've just become

748
00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:09,840
Speaker 3: much more radically honest and unapologetic in saying yes to

749
00:35:09,920 --> 00:35:13,240
Speaker 3: me in ways that pre motherhood I would have never

750
00:35:13,640 --> 00:35:17,360
Speaker 3: and I didn't, So yeah, it's been a game change.

751
00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:20,640
Speaker 4: What's like your biggest life lesson from that journey for

752
00:35:20,880 --> 00:35:24,279
Speaker 4: the chicks listening that you know maybe motherhood isn't on

753
00:35:24,320 --> 00:35:26,799
Speaker 4: the cards for them, or you know, not on the

754
00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:29,880
Speaker 4: cards for them for a long time. What's been like

755
00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:32,560
Speaker 4: your biggest life lessons of learning not to care?

756
00:35:33,200 --> 00:35:36,239
Speaker 3: It's so much scarier in your mind than what it

757
00:35:36,280 --> 00:35:40,400
Speaker 3: actually is when you start to assert really big boundaries.

758
00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:44,160
Speaker 3: What actually the fear lives in the lead up once

759
00:35:44,160 --> 00:35:48,439
Speaker 3: you've asserted you're free. The fear actually lives in how

760
00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:51,239
Speaker 3: long you delay and how long you put off and

761
00:35:51,239 --> 00:35:53,480
Speaker 3: how long you make excuses for the poor behavior or

762
00:35:53,560 --> 00:35:56,400
Speaker 3: how long you just do the shooting versus the wanting.

763
00:35:57,040 --> 00:36:02,120
Speaker 3: Once you actually start to uphold truth, liberation, freedom actually

764
00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:03,560
Speaker 3: feels so good on the other side.

765
00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:06,040
Speaker 2: So if you're in that space in between, that's where

766
00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:06,920
Speaker 2: the pain lives.

767
00:36:07,400 --> 00:36:11,080
Speaker 4: That's so cool. And I also wanted to wrap up

768
00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:15,440
Speaker 4: on one of the shiniest and brightest parts.

769
00:36:15,080 --> 00:36:15,800
Speaker 1: Of your book.

770
00:36:16,160 --> 00:36:18,400
Speaker 4: But the purpose of your book is to embrace the

771
00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:21,279
Speaker 4: shiniest and brightest version of yourself. And you ask your

772
00:36:21,280 --> 00:36:24,839
Speaker 4: community what makes a person shiny and We would love

773
00:36:24,880 --> 00:36:27,720
Speaker 4: for you to share your top five from the list

774
00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:30,200
Speaker 4: that you shared in the book that we can use

775
00:36:30,239 --> 00:36:31,439
Speaker 4: as like our north star.

776
00:36:31,719 --> 00:36:33,440
Speaker 2: Oh. I love this one. It was such a good

777
00:36:33,480 --> 00:36:34,080
Speaker 2: part of the book.

778
00:36:34,200 --> 00:36:34,640
Speaker 4: Yeah.

779
00:36:34,680 --> 00:36:37,080
Speaker 3: The first one that I love is so many people

780
00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:40,440
Speaker 3: said their energy, their energy, like they just light up

781
00:36:40,480 --> 00:36:42,520
Speaker 3: a room or they feel really beautiful to be around.

782
00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:45,480
Speaker 3: And the thing about energy is that the premise of

783
00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:48,960
Speaker 3: the book is Slow Down, Tune In, Shine Bright. In

784
00:36:49,080 --> 00:36:52,399
Speaker 3: Tune In, I talk all about energetics. So I talk

785
00:36:52,440 --> 00:36:55,000
Speaker 3: about how you can actually do all the physical practices

786
00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:57,360
Speaker 3: for your nervous system, and then we get into somatic

787
00:36:57,400 --> 00:37:01,640
Speaker 3: practices like somatic therapy, tremor release work, kinesiology, we talk

788
00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:05,560
Speaker 3: about the energetics. So it was so interesting that basically

789
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:08,200
Speaker 3: I wanted to bridge the two worlds of energetics and

790
00:37:08,360 --> 00:37:12,160
Speaker 3: the physical, and in Shine Bright, the biggest, biggest answer

791
00:37:12,160 --> 00:37:14,240
Speaker 3: I kept getting was their energy, their energy, their energy.

792
00:37:14,239 --> 00:37:15,520
Speaker 3: I'm like, this is why we need to look at

793
00:37:15,520 --> 00:37:17,600
Speaker 3: our energy as well. So that was the first one.

794
00:37:17,920 --> 00:37:21,200
Speaker 3: Having energetic practices that tend to who you authentically are.

795
00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:24,120
Speaker 3: That's the segue into the second one is people who

796
00:37:24,120 --> 00:37:27,040
Speaker 3: are authentic people who you feel they're real, they're not

797
00:37:27,080 --> 00:37:28,840
Speaker 3: putting on a mask, they're not putting on a show.

798
00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:31,359
Speaker 3: Like how often can you just continue to show up

799
00:37:31,680 --> 00:37:35,280
Speaker 3: as you and you're enough as you are in the mess?

800
00:37:35,320 --> 00:37:37,320
Speaker 2: In the vulnerability, I'm.

801
00:37:37,160 --> 00:37:39,600
Speaker 3: Segueing the shit out of this because the next one

802
00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:43,279
Speaker 3: is vulnerability when you share your vulnerability, when you share

803
00:37:43,320 --> 00:37:46,439
Speaker 3: your heart and truth and the painful moments, and yes,

804
00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:49,120
Speaker 3: the celebration and the shine and equal parts of the

805
00:37:49,160 --> 00:37:52,120
Speaker 3: polarity that I spoke about at the beginning, So that

806
00:37:52,200 --> 00:37:53,160
Speaker 3: was another big piece.

807
00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:55,960
Speaker 2: Kindness was another one, and in.

808
00:37:55,880 --> 00:37:57,680
Speaker 3: The book I talk all about the random acts of

809
00:37:57,760 --> 00:38:00,520
Speaker 3: kindness you can do for other people in your life,

810
00:38:00,520 --> 00:38:04,040
Speaker 3: but even being kind to yourself. That shows when you're

811
00:38:04,040 --> 00:38:07,120
Speaker 3: speaking kindly to yourself, when you're celebrating yourself, when you're

812
00:38:07,120 --> 00:38:11,040
Speaker 3: in that space of yeah, true kind self talk and

813
00:38:11,080 --> 00:38:14,520
Speaker 3: self awareness. People feel that and that impacts the energy,

814
00:38:14,600 --> 00:38:15,560
Speaker 3: so they're all connected.

815
00:38:15,760 --> 00:38:20,640
Speaker 2: And then the fifth the dreamers, Ah, the dreamers.

816
00:38:19,960 --> 00:38:22,440
Speaker 3: The people have the big visions and go after the things,

817
00:38:22,480 --> 00:38:24,719
Speaker 3: and they're just stopping it nothing to make their life

818
00:38:24,800 --> 00:38:27,560
Speaker 3: the best life ever because it gives other people permission

819
00:38:27,560 --> 00:38:29,839
Speaker 3: to do the same. So the people who are out

820
00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:32,919
Speaker 3: there going after the thing, living their dreams and being

821
00:38:32,920 --> 00:38:35,880
Speaker 3: the permission slip and the inspiring permission slip for other

822
00:38:35,920 --> 00:38:36,839
Speaker 3: people to do the same.

823
00:38:36,960 --> 00:38:39,319
Speaker 1: But to wrap up our conversation, we wanted to ask,

824
00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:42,439
Speaker 1: what is your biggest life lesson on your journey so far?

825
00:38:43,239 --> 00:38:46,960
Speaker 3: Just when you think you're at your rock bottom and

826
00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:49,719
Speaker 3: things are crumbling around you and there's nowhere out, you

827
00:38:49,760 --> 00:38:52,640
Speaker 3: are on the precipice of your biggest breakthrough. Yet you're

828
00:38:52,640 --> 00:38:54,799
Speaker 3: on the precipice of becoming more of who you're meant

829
00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:57,320
Speaker 3: to be, and nothing that has been delivered to you

830
00:38:57,440 --> 00:39:00,200
Speaker 3: or served to you you can't hold like you are

831
00:39:00,320 --> 00:39:03,080
Speaker 3: so capable and you are so strong, and it's so

832
00:39:03,200 --> 00:39:04,919
Speaker 3: much more courage than you realize.

833
00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:07,640
Speaker 2: Give yourself credit for every.

834
00:39:07,360 --> 00:39:10,080
Speaker 3: Mountain you've overcome, knowing that there will be more, because

835
00:39:10,160 --> 00:39:10,960
Speaker 3: that is life.

836
00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:12,600
Speaker 2: It's not about smooth sailing.

837
00:39:12,680 --> 00:39:15,760
Speaker 3: It's about how you can really back yourself when things

838
00:39:15,800 --> 00:39:19,960
Speaker 3: get hard, knowing that there is light always on the

839
00:39:19,960 --> 00:39:23,359
Speaker 3: other side. Light precedes darkness, so it's coming and you're

840
00:39:23,360 --> 00:39:24,200
Speaker 3: going to be okay.

841
00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:26,960
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for coming on the show and

842
00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:29,480
Speaker 1: also for sharing the book with us earlier. It was

843
00:39:29,680 --> 00:39:32,040
Speaker 1: such a pleasure to read it and we really appreciate it.

844
00:39:32,080 --> 00:39:33,279
Speaker 1: But where can the chicks find you?

845
00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:35,520
Speaker 2: And also the books? Great question.

846
00:39:35,640 --> 00:39:37,799
Speaker 3: You can come hang out with me on Insta at

847
00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:40,000
Speaker 3: Holly as a party, and the books are in all

848
00:39:40,040 --> 00:39:43,640
Speaker 3: of your favorite independent booksellers. They're on book Topia, they're

849
00:39:43,680 --> 00:39:46,560
Speaker 3: on Amazon, They're everywhere, so pick your favorite seller. We

850
00:39:46,600 --> 00:39:50,520
Speaker 3: love the indies and go and support them. And you

851
00:39:50,520 --> 00:39:52,480
Speaker 3: can also find me on substack. I've been doing some

852
00:39:52,560 --> 00:39:54,480
Speaker 3: writing over on substack perfect.

853
00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:56,160
Speaker 1: I'll put all the links in the show notes as

854
00:39:56,160 --> 00:39:58,560
Speaker 1: per usual. But thank you so much again for coming

855
00:39:58,560 --> 00:40:01,000
Speaker 1: on the show so having me gas was a complete joy.

856
00:40:01,080 --> 00:40:02,480
Speaker 1: And thanks to your chicks for having us in your

857
00:40:02,480 --> 00:40:02,879
Speaker 1: ear holes.

858
00:40:02,880 --> 00:40:03,719
Speaker 2: We'd love to be here.

859
00:40:03,800 --> 00:40:05,719
Speaker 1: And thank you to m I k Made for making

860
00:40:05,719 --> 00:40:14,480
Speaker 1: today's episode happen. Bye you gay Bye