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Speaker 1: Apologie production a easier advice. Are you okay what happened?

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Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much? Bring it in.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to our bestie segment.

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Speaker 1: This is the place for you. Hello everybody, and welcome

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Speaker 1: back to a bestie segment. Today's one is a little

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Speaker 1: oh hey, dick, a little out. The title is called Porn,

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Speaker 1: Lies and Betrayal. Can trust ever be rebuilt? Let's just

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Speaker 1: get straight into it, Bring it in. My husband lied

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Speaker 1: to me for over twelve years. When we first got together,

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Speaker 1: we had a very open and clear discussion about porn

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Speaker 1: and the use of it. He said he didn't watch it,

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Speaker 1: and I said I didn't like it. I understand a

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Speaker 1: lot of people are super comfortable with it in their

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Speaker 1: relationships and it's no judgment there, but it's just a

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Speaker 1: no from me. I'm not comfortable with it. And life

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Speaker 1: went on through marriage and kids together, ups and downs,

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Speaker 1: and this year I found pawn on his phone and

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Speaker 1: he looking at explicit OnlyFans content, not paying, but searching

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Speaker 1: for it online. I then found out that he'd been

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Speaker 1: watching porn at least a few times a week over

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Speaker 1: the last twelve years. I was so shocked and hurt.

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Speaker 1: I felt betrayed and so so uncomfortable. He has since

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Speaker 1: stopped and even seeks some counseling. That's by his choice.

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Speaker 1: But months later, I still can't get over this. How

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Speaker 1: can I move forward? I don't feel like I can

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Speaker 1: trust him like I used to.

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Speaker 2: Oh, this is a tough one, babe.

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Speaker 1: So tough. Twelve years is a long time to keep

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Speaker 1: a lie. It is. That really does some damage, doesn't it.

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Speaker 2: It's really hard. And I can relate because I had

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Speaker 2: an ex partner who had a very bad porn addiction.

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Speaker 1: It's so common these days, is yeah, it is.

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Speaker 2: It's hard to rebuild that trust because it's not just

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Speaker 2: about the porn. It's about the liars. Like it's a

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Speaker 2: multi layered problem. Because it's one thing to be like, oh,

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Speaker 2: like I feel shameful about watching porn, and I know

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Speaker 2: this is a problem, but like I don't know how

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Speaker 2: to stop. That's one problem, But then lying about it

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Speaker 2: consistently for twelve years, Like, it's a long time to

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Speaker 2: be doing that.

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Speaker 1: It's really long time. And then if you're saying it's

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Speaker 1: three or four times a week instantly, now I'm like,

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Speaker 1: but is it or is it seven times a week?

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Speaker 1: Is it multiple times a day because you've lied to

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Speaker 1: move twelve years. How do I actually even trust what

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Speaker 1: you say now? Yes, and without trust, I think trust

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Speaker 1: can be rebuilt for sure. And it's really awesome he's

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Speaker 1: gone to get help because I'm guessing he obviously has

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Speaker 1: an addiction now, which I've heard that's quite common for

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Speaker 1: people that watch porn regularly, So that's really amazing. But

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Speaker 1: I think at the end of the day, maybe you

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Speaker 1: need to give it some time to see if you

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Speaker 1: can rebuild that trust. And he can give you evidence

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Speaker 1: that he's not. But also only you know in your intuition,

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Speaker 1: your heart whether you can trust this man again.

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Speaker 2: I think something that's important for you is getting clear

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Speaker 2: on what it is that you want moving forward. Obviously

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Speaker 2: you want no porn, but what is it that you

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Speaker 2: might need from him in order for you to rebuild

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Speaker 2: that trust, like access to his phone or something or no,

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Speaker 2: not necessarily that, but just like open communication about the

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Speaker 2: desire to watch porn comes up, so it's like, hey,

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Speaker 2: this is it doesn't have to be a shameful thing.

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Speaker 2: Is it open communication?

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Speaker 1: I wonder if it's even two I don't know, but

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Speaker 1: is it things in porn he doesn't have in his

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Speaker 1: sex life, like zizz that he's shameful about interesting that

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Speaker 1: they could bring into the relationship that he's wanting to

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Speaker 1: experience but only can get through porn because he doesn't

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Speaker 1: think you're interested.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, so like ask your ways, well, what needs if

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Speaker 2: his aren't getting meant if he fels he needs to

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Speaker 2: go to porn, Yeah, seeing if that's something you can

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Speaker 2: bring into the relationship, if.

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Speaker 1: That's something you want to explore. If you're staying with

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Speaker 1: this man, I think it's important that you explore everything well,

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Speaker 1: and this is a team. Yeah, if you're not willing

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Speaker 1: to work on that as a team and want to

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Speaker 1: forgive him, then it's I think that's your your answer.

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Speaker 2: And then also I think as well, it comes down to, yes,

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Speaker 2: you've been together for twelve years, but how else is

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Speaker 2: this impacting the relationship? Like is it just the porn?

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Speaker 2: Is it the lying as well? Or is there deeper problems?

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Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean?

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Speaker 2: Like? Does it impact your intimacy? Is he not as

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Speaker 2: close with you? Do you not have sex as much? Like?

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Speaker 2: Because that was my reality. So when I had an

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Speaker 2: ex who was addicted to porn, he was watching it

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Speaker 2: like three times a day, and that was, you know,

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Speaker 2: the way that he kind of coped, and that impacted

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Speaker 2: our relationship because when he would go and watch porn,

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Speaker 2: he wouldn't be as interested in me, yeah, because he

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Speaker 2: was like, well, I've already like sorted myself out, so

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Speaker 2: now I'm not as inclined that way, and so then

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Speaker 2: I would kind of feel physically detached.

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Speaker 1: From not chosen.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I could feel like he was a little bit

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Speaker 2: disinterested in me because it was like, I'm good there.

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Speaker 2: So normally where he would be intimate and close and

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Speaker 2: touchy and lovey and like want to pull me in

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Speaker 2: and all those things, it's like I missed out on

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Speaker 2: all those things because he was going to porn first. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: you know, so I think context is important in that situation.

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Speaker 2: So it's just exploring all of the options, like where

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Speaker 2: are you at in the relationship? Are you like, oh

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Speaker 2: my god, this is the first time he's ever done

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Speaker 2: something like this and this is the first big hurdle

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Speaker 2: we've had, true?

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Speaker 1: Or is this like this is.

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Speaker 2: A reoccurring common occurrence where like I feel constantly disappointed

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Speaker 2: by his behavior and he's lying and things that he

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Speaker 2: does like this because.

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Speaker 1: It's a really good point to bring up too, because

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Speaker 1: intimacy is so important. So if it is affecting your

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Speaker 1: sex life, your connection, your intimately, your desires, your pleasure,

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Speaker 1: if it's impacting that a lot, that's a whole different story.

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Speaker 1: Where is if you're getting all of those needs met

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Speaker 1: and everything else is really good the first time something

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Speaker 1: like this has come up, but everything else is really good,

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Speaker 1: then I feel like I would be more inclined to

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Speaker 1: want to work on it and rebuild the trust.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and then's so amazing everyone else Yes, And then

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Speaker 2: work at it as a team and go okay, cool, Like,

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Speaker 2: what I'm going to need from you is this? And

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Speaker 2: then you can request what it is that you want

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Speaker 2: and go hey, like, are you willing to work with

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Speaker 2: me as a team to repair what has been broken?

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Speaker 2: Because this has damaged our relationship. Now you've damaged the

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Speaker 2: foundation of our trust. So what are we going to

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Speaker 2: do together as a team to repair this? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: And a lot of reassurance too, like what do you

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Speaker 1: need from him?

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Speaker 2: That's a good question, and constant check ins Like That's

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Speaker 2: what I had to get clear on, was like what

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Speaker 2: it was it that I was needing from him in exchange,

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Speaker 2: and then without the constant check ins, you're kind of

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Speaker 2: just left wondering is he watching it? What about today

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Speaker 2: when he's really stressed, when he's had a lot going

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Speaker 2: on at work, Like is he going.

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Speaker 1: To lean towards that? Yeah?

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Speaker 2: You know, so having constant set check ins if you

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Speaker 2: are going to repair exactly that every month, We're going, hey,

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Speaker 2: how did you do this once?

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Speaker 1: How are you feeling? Like? Did you have the urge?

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Speaker 2: And just create a safe space for him to talk

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Speaker 2: about it because it's obviously such a shameful topic and

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Speaker 2: I feel like men a lot get judged and shamed

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Speaker 2: for one to watch porn where they're naturally more inclined

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Speaker 2: to be more physical and visual humans. Yeah, if you

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Speaker 2: can come at it within the soft way, And I

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Speaker 2: know that's hard because trust is broken. There's so many

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Speaker 2: components to this it is.

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Speaker 1: I like the check ins too because Steve and I.

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Speaker 1: If you haven't listened to the episodes with Steve, he

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Speaker 1: spoke about his journey with alcohol and how much it

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Speaker 1: impacted our relationship, how it nearly broke down our marriage.

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Speaker 1: The check ins were super important when he was still drinking.

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Speaker 1: He doesn't drink anymore. But when it first started to

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Speaker 1: break down and cause a lot of problems and we

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Speaker 1: saw a relationship coach. That's what he advised too, was

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Speaker 1: the check ins and the over communication and the boundaries

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Speaker 1: of like how many drinks is Steve having. I wanted

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Speaker 1: him to pre tell me when he was going to

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Speaker 1: go drinks. So it wasn't like on a random Friday afternoon, Oh,

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Speaker 1: won't be home till later, I'm gonna go have some

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Speaker 1: beers with the boys. It was like at start of

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Speaker 1: the week, Hey, someone's asked me to go have a

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Speaker 1: couple of drinks on Friday. I'm going to go to

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Speaker 1: this pub. We're gonna have a couple of drinks. I'll

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Speaker 1: make sure i'll be home by seven o'clock. Is that

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Speaker 1: all good with you? If you got targed, is that okay?

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Speaker 1: And if I was pre planned and I can buite

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Speaker 1: a girl friend over, I could like whish, distract myself

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Speaker 1: and then I know he's coming home. When he comes

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Speaker 1: home with that time, it rebuilds the trust for me

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Speaker 1: that he's going to be a man of his word totally.

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Speaker 1: And when he's still in a good day, he's not drunk.

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Speaker 1: I'm like Okay, I can trust this man again. Yes,

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Speaker 1: So there was good evidence, There was good evidence, and

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Speaker 1: it was progress forward. But if I ever felt like

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Speaker 1: it was going backwards or he wasn't honoring what he

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Speaker 1: said he was going to do, would have been a

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Speaker 1: completely different story. Absolutely.

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Speaker 2: And you know things like this, if you are going

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Speaker 2: to forgive and you want to work on it, and

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Speaker 2: you have to commit to that decision, yes, because I

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Speaker 2: promise you you wire going to question whether he's doing

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Speaker 2: it behind your back again.

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Speaker 1: You're going to question it.

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Speaker 2: So you have to be okay that if you choose

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Speaker 2: to go this way, just know it's going to come

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Speaker 2: up for you a lot, questioning whether he's doing it,

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Speaker 2: whether he's looking at it, whether he's leaning towards it,

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Speaker 2: whether he's lying to you again, Like, all of that

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Speaker 2: stuff is going to come up. So if you're going

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Speaker 2: to commit to it, commit.

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Speaker 1: To it for you as well. What happens if he

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Speaker 1: does do it again? What does that mean for you?

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Speaker 1: Is there room for slip ups and mistakes or is

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Speaker 1: it a boundary of Like I've been with you for

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Speaker 1: twelve years, You've lied to me for twelve years. I'm

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Speaker 1: so hurt. I'm choosing to forgive you and work through

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Speaker 1: this with you. Your part is to be honest with

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Speaker 1: me and to honor your word, and if you can't,

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Speaker 1: it's not like threatening the relationship, but it's just putting

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Speaker 1: a boundary in place of this is behavior that I'm

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Speaker 1: not going to tolerate have you lie to me again.

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to have you watch the porm when

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Speaker 1: it damages that intimacy. Yes, yes, it's being really clear

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Speaker 1: on that.

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Speaker 2: And you know, something that you just said just triggered

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Speaker 2: something for me was that in my dynamic with this partner,

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Speaker 2: I had come to him and then said this isn't

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Speaker 2: non negotiable for me, Yeah, I will leave and he goes.

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Speaker 2: I didn't know that up until now, and so many

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Speaker 2: times where he had mentioned little bits and pieces before then,

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Speaker 2: I didn't know how intense it was, and I didn't

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Speaker 2: know how deep he was in it, and so I

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Speaker 2: didn't really think anything of because I was like all

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Speaker 2: little bits and pieces here and there, and I told

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Speaker 2: him audibly like I don't like this. Yeah, you know,

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Speaker 2: this isn't good. This isn't good, like healthy for our

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Speaker 2: connection of a relationship, intimacy, all those things. But I

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Speaker 2: never said the words this isn't non negotiable.

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Speaker 1: H big difference, isn't it?

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Speaker 2: And then when I said that, he was like, oh yeah, shit, okay,

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Speaker 2: like I'm going to pull my head in.

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Speaker 1: It got to that point with Steve drinking too. I

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Speaker 1: was like, actually, I've really tried to make this fit

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Speaker 1: in our relationship, which isn't fit anymore.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: He's like, yeah, you're right, doesn't fit for me either.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Both got to come to that point.

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Speaker 2: And I like what you just said because it sparked

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Speaker 2: that reminder of like, be honest about it. I almost

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Speaker 2: said a boundary of like, hey, this is either a

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Speaker 2: yes or a no for me. Yeah, like are you

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Speaker 2: willing to meet me in the middle?

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Speaker 1: And if you're not, that's okay, I say you're free,

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Speaker 1: yet it's not for me. Yeah, it's cool when you

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Speaker 1: get to that point, you're really ground in that decision.

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Speaker 1: I think your man will respect you for being grounded

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Speaker 1: in that and it'll show where he's at too. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, lots to move through, especially the betrayal of twelve

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Speaker 2: years blind. I can see why you would feel blindsided

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Speaker 2: in that.

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Speaker 1: And I know he's getting help, but I highly recommend

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Speaker 1: going to see someone together. It is so beautiful. Just

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Speaker 1: book in twelve weeks where you go once a week,

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Speaker 1: once a fortnight, once a month. Even we just go in,

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Speaker 1: you check in. You have that third person to offer

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Speaker 1: different perspectives and just to hear each other. And he

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Speaker 1: might feel safer to express something with a third person

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Speaker 1: there shame or guilt over his desires or anything like.

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Speaker 1: So much will come up on that and be really

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Speaker 1: beautiful for your growth as a relationship moving forward.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, something as well, you guys have done is

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Speaker 2: that like, oh, nothing is wrong, which is we're going Yeah,

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Speaker 2: you know, it's like the preventative stuff. Yes, just to

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Speaker 2: make sure that you're doing your check in so that

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Speaker 2: nothing can no cracks pop up for no reasons.

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Speaker 1: So nice, so important.

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Speaker 2: Cool.

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Speaker 1: All right, guys, thank you for joining us. We really

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Speaker 1: hope that that helps, and we'd love an update on

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Speaker 1: how you're feeling and conversations you've had, anything like that,

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Speaker 1: and if you're going through something similar, bring it in.

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Speaker 1: Slide into our DMS on Instagram. We'll send you the link.

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Speaker 1: Don't write your whole submission in the Instagram message, We'll

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Speaker 1: send you a link to put it in. So it's

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Speaker 1: anonymous and or our Facebook forum. If you're not a

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Speaker 1: part of our Facebook forum, just search she rises on

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Speaker 1: Facebook and we'll prop you in there. Alrighty, thanks guys. Bye,