WEBVTT - “I was going to die”: Kate DeAraugo Pt.2 0:00:01.880 --> 0:00:04.880 The public has had a long held fascination with detectives. 0:00:05.360 --> 0:00:07.800 Detective see a side of life the average person has 0:00:07.880 --> 0:00:11.080 never exposed her I spent thirty four years as a cop. 0:00:11.560 --> 0:00:14.040 For twenty five of those years, I was catching killers. 0:00:14.440 --> 0:00:16.200 That's what I did for a living. I was a 0:00:16.200 --> 0:00:20.560 homicide detective. I'm no longer just interviewing bad guys. Instead, 0:00:20.600 --> 0:00:23.120 I'm taking the public into the world in which I operated. 0:00:23.840 --> 0:00:26.400 The guests I talk to each week have amazing stories 0:00:26.440 --> 0:00:28.760 from all sides of the law. The interviews are raw 0:00:28.800 --> 0:00:31.440 and honest, just like the people I talk to. Some 0:00:31.600 --> 0:00:34.640 of the content and language might be confronting. That's because 0:00:34.640 --> 0:00:37.640 no one who comes into contact with crime is left unchanged. 0:00:38.159 --> 0:00:40.320 Join me now as I take you into this world. 0:00:46.360 --> 0:00:49.000 In part two of my chat with Kate Derouge, we 0:00:49.040 --> 0:00:51.559 talk about how low her life got, what it was 0:00:51.640 --> 0:00:53.960 like living in a drug den with ten other people, 0:00:54.640 --> 0:00:57.320 being attacked by a former partner in a drug fueled 0:00:57.440 --> 0:01:01.440 rage with a machete, her arrests, and the public humiliation 0:01:01.560 --> 0:01:04.240 that came with that, along with the threat of going 0:01:04.240 --> 0:01:07.360 to jail for a long time now, the light bulb 0:01:07.440 --> 0:01:10.000 moment in Kate's life was when she saw herself in 0:01:10.000 --> 0:01:12.839 the mirror and was disgusted by what she had become. 0:01:13.440 --> 0:01:16.160 How she turned the life around and now as a 0:01:16.200 --> 0:01:19.039 mother of two beautiful children, the message she would be 0:01:19.080 --> 0:01:21.399 giving to them so they can learn from her mistakes. 0:01:22.120 --> 0:01:25.240 It was an emotional but inspiring talk and I came 0:01:25.280 --> 0:01:27.800 away from it with a deeper understanding of how close 0:01:28.360 --> 0:01:31.400 all of us are to destroying our lives with poor choices. 0:01:31.720 --> 0:01:35.960 Have a listen to what Kate said. Kate Derouge, welcome 0:01:36.040 --> 0:01:38.199 back to Part two of I Catch Killers. 0:01:38.920 --> 0:01:42.679 Thank You. It's it was a big first part nearly there. 0:01:42.720 --> 0:01:44.720 It was a big first part where it's sort of 0:01:44.760 --> 0:01:46.920 on a bit of a nosedive at this stage, but 0:01:46.959 --> 0:01:49.480 we're going to bring leave it back and bring you up. 0:01:50.160 --> 0:01:53.760 In part one, we talked about your highs and your lowers, 0:01:53.800 --> 0:01:57.840 your highs with your success from Australian Idol and your 0:01:57.920 --> 0:01:59.960 career in music that you went on too from there, 0:02:00.520 --> 0:02:04.200 But we also talked about starting to use drugs and 0:02:04.240 --> 0:02:08.079 how that got hold of you and then the spiral 0:02:08.280 --> 0:02:11.520 when you started using ice and I think you were 0:02:11.520 --> 0:02:15.800 addicted for seven years on that. I was interested that 0:02:16.200 --> 0:02:19.160 I didn't realize that your parents had pulled you away 0:02:19.160 --> 0:02:21.679 from it when your career crashed and were trying to 0:02:21.720 --> 0:02:24.160 get you on the straight and narrow, and you're obviously 0:02:24.160 --> 0:02:28.240 committed to it. But then you went to Mariuchidor for 0:02:28.280 --> 0:02:30.840 a radio gig for a couple of months, and you 0:02:31.760 --> 0:02:33.440 discovered the life again by the sounds of. 0:02:33.480 --> 0:02:37.360 It, Well, I wouldn't say I discovered the life. I 0:02:37.400 --> 0:02:39.919 was just trying to fool myself, you know what I mean. 0:02:39.960 --> 0:02:43.160 I was still hanging onto this concept that I had 0:02:43.200 --> 0:02:49.160 a career left and using something, whether it be drugs 0:02:49.280 --> 0:02:52.040 or alcohol. And look and when I've never really identified 0:02:52.040 --> 0:02:55.800 as an alcoholic, but when I drank, I drank to access, 0:02:55.800 --> 0:02:57.520 you know what I mean. I would drink vodka for 0:02:57.520 --> 0:03:01.000 breakfast out of a Gatorade bottle, So you know, I 0:03:01.080 --> 0:03:04.440 didn't do anything in a healthy way. But yeah, I 0:03:04.440 --> 0:03:06.880 think I went to this job in Rucchie do Or 0:03:06.919 --> 0:03:08.640 to try to prove to everybody that I was okay 0:03:08.680 --> 0:03:10.520 and that I could look after myself and that they 0:03:10.520 --> 0:03:13.760 were overreacting, and it just was a disaster. 0:03:15.000 --> 0:03:18.480 There's a quote in again one of the interviews that 0:03:18.520 --> 0:03:20.840 you've done, and I'll just read it out and we'll 0:03:20.880 --> 0:03:24.680 discussed that that around this period as well, and truly 0:03:24.680 --> 0:03:27.600 in the grips of method addictions. So this is when 0:03:27.639 --> 0:03:30.920 you've started using ice. All I wanted was for everyone 0:03:30.960 --> 0:03:32.840 to fuck off out of my face so I could 0:03:32.960 --> 0:03:35.080 use And it hurts my heart to say that I 0:03:35.160 --> 0:03:37.960 lost all hope, want or care to be any version 0:03:38.040 --> 0:03:42.840 of the Kate everybody knew. So this is after maroochi 0:03:42.920 --> 0:03:47.200 d'Or you've lost your way again. And I think you 0:03:47.320 --> 0:03:50.320 said you were traveling with someone and he had a 0:03:51.000 --> 0:03:52.920 ice pipe, and you thought why not. 0:03:53.920 --> 0:03:56.000 Well, it was as simple as you know, and I 0:03:56.040 --> 0:03:58.640 could sniff out drugs from a mile away, and I 0:03:58.720 --> 0:04:01.760 jumped in a car, which is reckless in itself. You know, 0:04:01.800 --> 0:04:03.160 I'm in a town I don't know, and in the 0:04:03.160 --> 0:04:04.520 middle of the night, I jump in a car with 0:04:04.520 --> 0:04:07.160 a person I don't know, madness, and I could tell 0:04:07.200 --> 0:04:08.720 that he was on something, and I just said, I 0:04:08.760 --> 0:04:12.240 don't know what you have, but I didn't care, but 0:04:12.400 --> 0:04:16.080 you need to give me some And that was it, 0:04:16.120 --> 0:04:18.760 and that was I you know again, back to that 0:04:18.839 --> 0:04:21.320 thing of I met this man and he became my world, 0:04:21.360 --> 0:04:24.520 and I think I didn't leave his side for the 0:04:24.560 --> 0:04:28.640 next two three years. We just used and traveled around 0:04:28.640 --> 0:04:32.839 Australia together and it just all seemed honky dory to me. 0:04:34.160 --> 0:04:36.320 But it was the beginning. And as I said, in 0:04:36.360 --> 0:04:38.280 the beginning, like everybody was like, I've seen a bit 0:04:38.279 --> 0:04:40.360 of a changing cake. She's not, I guess because I 0:04:40.400 --> 0:04:42.720 wasn't shit faced drunk, you know, on the floor by 0:04:42.720 --> 0:04:45.240 ten o'clock in the morning. People saw an improvement, you know. 0:04:45.320 --> 0:04:49.120 I was out doing things and being in the world 0:04:49.200 --> 0:04:54.200 and I'd answer the phone and stuff like that. But 0:04:54.320 --> 0:04:57.159 it all really went to hell when I got caught 0:04:57.520 --> 0:05:00.560 using ice and which is where that quote came from, 0:05:00.600 --> 0:05:03.120 when I got driving under the influence. 0:05:03.200 --> 0:05:06.200 Yeah, talk us through, talk us through that. 0:05:07.320 --> 0:05:11.159 So my last ditch effort at regaining some kind of 0:05:11.200 --> 0:05:13.440 career in my deluded state of mind is I tried 0:05:13.480 --> 0:05:15.120 to release a song and I did and it was 0:05:15.160 --> 0:05:17.960 all going really well. And my manager had said to 0:05:17.960 --> 0:05:21.159 me before we took, you know, on that mission, he said, 0:05:21.279 --> 0:05:23.000 I'll do this with you one more time, but do 0:05:23.080 --> 0:05:24.800 not lie to me. I think he used some more 0:05:24.839 --> 0:05:26.320 choice words than that, but he said, do not lie 0:05:26.360 --> 0:05:29.520 to me. No drugs, no, no, blah blah blah. And I said, yeah, no, 0:05:29.560 --> 0:05:32.080 where is good I'm fine, and look, I'd lost an 0:05:32.160 --> 0:05:34.240 incredible amount of weight by They're not gonna lie. I 0:05:34.240 --> 0:05:36.880 looked good, looked good. I was skinny, and I was 0:05:37.360 --> 0:05:40.040 looking the part. And people were like, yes, Kate, you 0:05:40.040 --> 0:05:42.960 look amazing. You know, people will start your back. People 0:05:43.000 --> 0:05:45.159 were starting to take me more seriously, which was just 0:05:45.200 --> 0:05:47.560 fueling my madness. I was like, yeah, this ice thing, 0:05:47.600 --> 0:05:52.400 it's working for me. And I was in the media again, 0:05:52.520 --> 0:05:55.800 you know, I was on the big radio shows again. 0:05:55.839 --> 0:05:58.280 I was doing it, but I was using like a 0:05:58.279 --> 0:06:03.080 mad woman in the background. And you know, my mum 0:06:03.160 --> 0:06:05.760 and I had had driven to Sydney. I was going 0:06:05.760 --> 0:06:07.520 to do a film clip and do all that kind 0:06:07.520 --> 0:06:09.200 of stuff. And I had to drop her off at 0:06:09.200 --> 0:06:11.239 the airport. And it was the day after the Mardi Gras, 0:06:11.440 --> 0:06:13.400 and I was like, oh, after the airport, I'll just 0:06:13.480 --> 0:06:15.280 have a bit of a look at you know, what's 0:06:15.320 --> 0:06:17.479 going on the streets of Sydney. It's always a bit interesting. 0:06:17.520 --> 0:06:18.800 And I come around the bend and there was a 0:06:18.800 --> 0:06:21.600 booze bus and I drove in there. I thought, you, beauty, 0:06:21.680 --> 0:06:23.279 haven't been drinking. This won't be a problem. And it 0:06:23.320 --> 0:06:26.120 was at the beginning of when you know, drug testing, 0:06:26.800 --> 0:06:28.600 and I didn't even think about it, and I passed 0:06:28.600 --> 0:06:31.880 my breath test and I went through. He said, oh, 0:06:31.880 --> 0:06:33.440 if you could just pull in here, you know, we're 0:06:33.560 --> 0:06:37.520 doing random rug drug tests. And my heart sank and 0:06:38.120 --> 0:06:41.159 that was me done, so you know, and I remember 0:06:41.160 --> 0:06:44.160 walking into the big the bus but the second test 0:06:44.200 --> 0:06:45.880 or whatever it was, and this copper looked at me 0:06:45.920 --> 0:06:50.000 and he just said, oh you, he said you. He said, 0:06:50.000 --> 0:06:51.760 I had another one of your kind in here the 0:06:51.760 --> 0:06:55.479 other day. And you know he was really unkind about it. Yeah, 0:06:56.120 --> 0:06:58.840 he was really unkind about it. And yeah that was 0:06:58.880 --> 0:07:00.880 the end. That was the end of the lot. 0:07:01.520 --> 0:07:03.919 Okay. So that that hit the media as it was 0:07:03.960 --> 0:07:07.679 always always going to do, Yes, I would imagine there'd 0:07:07.680 --> 0:07:11.320 be shame and every other emotion that comes from that. 0:07:12.000 --> 0:07:14.560 Talk us through that. What that did to you at 0:07:14.560 --> 0:07:15.160 the time. 0:07:15.680 --> 0:07:18.760 Yes, of course. So the headline came out, you know, 0:07:18.840 --> 0:07:22.000 Kate Deruze choose Ice across everything, and you know, I 0:07:22.040 --> 0:07:27.040 lost whatever slither of respect within the industry and career 0:07:27.080 --> 0:07:28.920 that I thought I had left in that headline, Like 0:07:29.000 --> 0:07:32.280 that was it. I lost everything to get about it, 0:07:32.960 --> 0:07:37.960 and that was it. I And yes, there was a 0:07:37.960 --> 0:07:40.160 lot of shame and a lot of embarrassment and all 0:07:40.200 --> 0:07:43.480 of those feelings. But I masked that with anger and 0:07:43.520 --> 0:07:46.560 it just sent and I didn't know how to process that. 0:07:46.640 --> 0:07:48.760 I didn't know what to do with it. And I 0:07:48.880 --> 0:07:52.480 so instead of going, wow, that's a pretty big rock 0:07:52.520 --> 0:07:54.760 bottom and to the most of the you know, normal people, 0:07:54.760 --> 0:07:56.720 that would have been enough, But that was the ticket. 0:07:57.000 --> 0:07:59.240 I guess that my disease and my addiction needed to 0:07:59.280 --> 0:08:01.960 go right. All think I'm a junkie anyway now, So 0:08:02.080 --> 0:08:04.200 I'm gonna I'm just going to take off here and 0:08:04.240 --> 0:08:06.360 I'm going to show you. I'm going to show you 0:08:06.440 --> 0:08:08.240 what it's really like. And I guess it just gave 0:08:08.280 --> 0:08:10.280 me the permission to use the way that I'd been 0:08:10.280 --> 0:08:13.560 wanting to use for years, which was with no. I 0:08:13.680 --> 0:08:15.600 didn't need to hide it anymore, you know, it was 0:08:15.960 --> 0:08:17.800 just go Yeah. 0:08:17.880 --> 0:08:20.480 I would imagine it would have been a difficult conversation 0:08:20.560 --> 0:08:23.160 that you had with family or and people close to 0:08:23.200 --> 0:08:25.760 you when it became public that you're using ice. And 0:08:25.840 --> 0:08:29.920 just the way you describe that headline so much connotation. 0:08:30.000 --> 0:08:32.959 There's anyone that's touched ice is just a lost cause. Yeah, 0:08:33.000 --> 0:08:35.840 this is just a life spirally in out of control. 0:08:36.920 --> 0:08:40.040 It might be painful, but the conversations you had with 0:08:40.080 --> 0:08:42.200 your parents then, Oh. 0:08:42.080 --> 0:08:45.240 Look, my parents knew. I can't remember if they knew 0:08:45.240 --> 0:08:48.560 it was ice, but they knew. They knew I wasn't well. 0:08:49.400 --> 0:08:51.720 I mean, hence why my mom came with me to Sydney. 0:08:51.760 --> 0:08:54.720 And my mom bless her and rest her soul, and 0:08:55.440 --> 0:08:57.920 she I wouldn't be here without her, you know. She 0:08:58.960 --> 0:09:02.520 chased me around this tree, and my siblings chased me 0:09:02.600 --> 0:09:05.640 around this countryside for years trying to save my life. 0:09:06.520 --> 0:09:09.920 And I'd be nowhere if I didn't have them in 0:09:10.000 --> 0:09:12.880 my corner. But they knew I wasn't well. I don't 0:09:12.920 --> 0:09:16.160 think they knew what degree it had got to. Yeah, 0:09:16.200 --> 0:09:18.400 but I wasn't up for conversations by that point, you know, 0:09:18.440 --> 0:09:21.680 I wasn't really I wasn't really invested in talking. I 0:09:21.679 --> 0:09:23.400 didn't want to talk about it. As I said before, 0:09:23.400 --> 0:09:24.920 I didn't want to talk about it. I wasn't interested 0:09:24.960 --> 0:09:27.040 in changing. And I was gone. 0:09:27.480 --> 0:09:30.480 So you went to court. What was the lifestyle you 0:09:30.480 --> 0:09:34.360 were living at that stage? Like, I got the fact 0:09:34.360 --> 0:09:36.760 that you were carving your way back into a career, 0:09:37.040 --> 0:09:41.760 and yeah, writing and doing some things and filming, so 0:09:41.800 --> 0:09:44.400 it was heading in the right direction. That's been taken 0:09:44.400 --> 0:09:47.440 away from you. What sort of life were you living after? That? 0:09:48.520 --> 0:09:54.160 Got pretty bad pretty quick, you know. I went from 0:09:54.200 --> 0:09:56.640 that life or a bit of that life again, to 0:09:56.840 --> 0:10:01.880 living in shooting galleries, and you know, wherever I could 0:10:01.880 --> 0:10:04.560 find a bed, I just would be there. Wherever that 0:10:04.640 --> 0:10:07.800 wherever the drugs were, and wherever they took me and 0:10:07.840 --> 0:10:10.080 my you know, as I said, my consequential thinking was 0:10:10.120 --> 0:10:12.160 gone and I was in I found myself in a 0:10:12.160 --> 0:10:15.040 lot of dangerous places, with a lot of dangerous people, 0:10:15.160 --> 0:10:18.360 doing a lot of dangerous things really really quickly. And 0:10:18.400 --> 0:10:21.160 I think that's what that drug does, quicker than anything else. 0:10:21.240 --> 0:10:22.760 Because it's all good and well. When you've got the 0:10:22.800 --> 0:10:24.840 money and you can afford it, and you know, you 0:10:24.920 --> 0:10:26.440 pay for it, and the dealer will give you the 0:10:27.000 --> 0:10:30.679 it's not a worry. But as soon as and I've 0:10:30.720 --> 0:10:33.240 done there's no drugs I haven't tried, right, there's none. 0:10:33.480 --> 0:10:37.120 I've done them all, But I've never felt the desperation 0:10:38.120 --> 0:10:40.920 and drive to need to continue to use a drug 0:10:41.080 --> 0:10:47.120 like methamphetamines. Never. It just possesses you like nothing I 0:10:47.160 --> 0:10:50.360 could explain to anybody. Once it's in you. Oh and 0:10:50.720 --> 0:10:53.280 and so I very quickly would just do whatever I 0:10:53.320 --> 0:10:55.120 needed to do to get what I needed to get, 0:10:55.160 --> 0:10:59.160 and there were no boundaries to that. Use your mass, 0:10:59.200 --> 0:11:01.320 so use your imagine, yes, to work out what they 0:11:01.360 --> 0:11:01.720 look play. 0:11:01.800 --> 0:11:05.520 Yeah, and look, I've been to the drug dens and 0:11:06.480 --> 0:11:08.720 difference of stuff where a lot of people are using 0:11:08.800 --> 0:11:12.240 or abandoned buildings and all sorts of things. I was 0:11:12.240 --> 0:11:16.000 a hard assed homicide cop and I'd walk into those places. 0:11:16.120 --> 0:11:18.679 I'd be terrified. It was just it was like something 0:11:18.679 --> 0:11:20.480 out of a horror movie some of the places that 0:11:20.559 --> 0:11:23.240 I saw. And you see the people that have been 0:11:23.360 --> 0:11:25.920 using ice, and there was this glazed look. There was 0:11:25.960 --> 0:11:29.280 no soul behind the eyes. It was just an anything 0:11:29.320 --> 0:11:33.400 could happen. So, you know, you're a female, vulnerable female 0:11:33.559 --> 0:11:36.320 in that stage, addicted to it. I can only imagine 0:11:36.520 --> 0:11:38.880 the places that you found you found yourself in. 0:11:39.360 --> 0:11:43.520 Yeah, and the fear like and I'm a pretty nervous person, 0:11:43.800 --> 0:11:46.240 you know, as the girl that sits here today. But 0:11:46.320 --> 0:11:48.680 I had no fear and I was and my eyes 0:11:48.760 --> 0:11:50.559 were black, you know what I mean. There was no 0:11:50.760 --> 0:11:55.200 there's nothing behind here. And it still hurts me to 0:11:55.240 --> 0:11:57.840 hear you know, it still makes me emotional and makes me, 0:11:58.440 --> 0:12:00.640 you know, in my throat to say those things, because 0:12:00.640 --> 0:12:04.960 that person was was fucked and there's no other word 0:12:05.000 --> 0:12:07.360 for it, and excuse my language, but I was just 0:12:07.640 --> 0:12:12.080 I was gone. And I still sit here today realizing 0:12:12.120 --> 0:12:14.320 how lucky I am to have got out, because not 0:12:14.440 --> 0:12:16.760 many people once they get lost in that world, it's 0:12:17.640 --> 0:12:18.680 not easy to make it back. 0:12:18.760 --> 0:12:21.760 Well, very very few come out, but you're showing that 0:12:21.760 --> 0:12:24.200 it's possible, and I think that that's an important message. 0:12:24.240 --> 0:12:27.880 But also the important message is how low that life 0:12:27.920 --> 0:12:32.280 can can stoop when you're addicted to a drug like ice. 0:12:33.120 --> 0:12:35.440 I think there's no there is no end to the low, 0:12:35.520 --> 0:12:38.120 like there will always be a lower low, and just 0:12:38.200 --> 0:12:41.520 when you think you couldn't possibly do any worse, you will. 0:12:41.920 --> 0:12:44.440 And I think the true rock bottom in that world 0:12:44.559 --> 0:12:48.079 is when you're in a box, and that's where it ends. Sadly. 0:12:48.400 --> 0:12:51.560 Yeah, well, you had a couple of other other things 0:12:51.600 --> 0:12:56.040 that happened you. You got arrested again with a few times, 0:12:57.120 --> 0:13:02.560 same offense and also weapons charges. And again I know 0:13:02.679 --> 0:13:06.920 that lifestyle, there's always knives or things around with people 0:13:06.960 --> 0:13:09.640 that are living or trying to protect their ice or 0:13:09.679 --> 0:13:13.000 get their ice. There's always stuff like that, the chargers. 0:13:13.440 --> 0:13:15.880 What were the circumstances with your arrests there? That was 0:13:16.200 --> 0:13:17.240 that was down in Victoria. 0:13:17.840 --> 0:13:19.960 Yeah, so I got banned from a couple of towns 0:13:20.000 --> 0:13:22.640 in Victoria along that post part of my bail conditions. 0:13:22.640 --> 0:13:27.640 Shepherd and Shepanin was the town that changed my life fundamentally. 0:13:27.679 --> 0:13:30.800 I think a lot of stuff happened when I lived there, 0:13:30.880 --> 0:13:34.040 and I you know, that's when domestic violence and all 0:13:34.080 --> 0:13:36.800 that kind of stuff really came into my world. 0:13:37.000 --> 0:13:39.640 Well, I want to talk about you being stabbed with 0:13:39.679 --> 0:13:40.520 a machete, but. 0:13:40.960 --> 0:13:43.000 We'll get Oh yep, now we can get to that. 0:13:43.320 --> 0:13:46.360 We'll get the back. We're just working through the list. 0:13:46.400 --> 0:13:47.880 At this start, I should have laughed. 0:13:47.880 --> 0:13:48.560 It's not funny. 0:13:48.679 --> 0:13:51.800 It's not funny. It's not funny. And I promise, I promise, 0:13:51.880 --> 0:13:54.319 we give you a ladder to crawl your way out 0:13:54.360 --> 0:13:58.160 of here. But okay, we'll talk the next couple of arrests. 0:13:58.679 --> 0:14:00.480 Yeah, so I did. I got a rest a few times, 0:14:00.520 --> 0:14:02.600 and look they were always for driving under the influence, 0:14:04.240 --> 0:14:06.040 you know, got lost my license a few times and 0:14:06.040 --> 0:14:08.800 then drove a few times whilst had I didn't have 0:14:08.800 --> 0:14:12.280 my license got caught, the weapons was possibly was getting 0:14:12.280 --> 0:14:14.520 a bit more serious, and you know when I started 0:14:14.520 --> 0:14:17.040 getting correction orders and all that kind of stuff, and 0:14:17.800 --> 0:14:21.440 you know, I'm really lucky. I remember, you know, being 0:14:21.480 --> 0:14:24.720 in the cells and being stripped and all of that 0:14:24.840 --> 0:14:29.360 fun stuff that happens. But yeah, there was I couldn't 0:14:29.360 --> 0:14:31.080 tell you. I can't remember how many there were, but 0:14:31.120 --> 0:14:32.000 there were enough. 0:14:32.800 --> 0:14:35.520 It's daunting, isn't it, Like when you cut your freedom's 0:14:35.520 --> 0:14:37.680 being taken away from you. It's not the world that 0:14:37.720 --> 0:14:40.000 you've grown up to and have an expectation you're going 0:14:40.000 --> 0:14:42.680 to win there. But and you had a threat of 0:14:43.120 --> 0:14:46.560 a fairly lengthy custodial sentence hanging over your head too, 0:14:46.720 --> 0:14:48.480 so that must have been played on your mind. 0:14:49.040 --> 0:14:52.760 I did, and look, I remember, and you know it's 0:14:52.760 --> 0:14:55.120 not funny. Again. I shouldn't laugh, you know, I remember 0:14:55.160 --> 0:14:57.040 because I was hanging around with some pretty big criminals 0:14:57.080 --> 0:15:00.600 by that point, people doing really bad things and her people, 0:15:00.640 --> 0:15:03.760 and like a lot of crime that is so far 0:15:03.880 --> 0:15:05.800 from the world that I grew up in or anything 0:15:05.840 --> 0:15:07.520 that I could relate to, you know what I mean. 0:15:07.600 --> 0:15:10.120 And I look at those guys but now and feel 0:15:10.160 --> 0:15:11.920 sad for them. Because at the end of the day, 0:15:12.720 --> 0:15:14.840 they were just really sick people like I was, with 0:15:14.920 --> 0:15:17.320 a hell of a lot less resources and love in 0:15:17.360 --> 0:15:20.480 their life to help them get better. But yeah, like 0:15:20.560 --> 0:15:23.600 I remember everybody, when anybody ever got locked up and 0:15:23.640 --> 0:15:25.640 come out of the cells, it was like, where's your tape? 0:15:25.920 --> 0:15:28.360 Give me your tape, you know, because everyone always thought 0:15:28.360 --> 0:15:30.080 everyone was going to rat on one another and tell 0:15:30.120 --> 0:15:31.840 each other off or whatever. And I remember the first 0:15:31.880 --> 0:15:34.560 time that I got locked up in the cells and 0:15:34.560 --> 0:15:36.200 I had to sit there and the detective and go 0:15:36.240 --> 0:15:37.800 through it all. And they did the tape and I 0:15:37.840 --> 0:15:39.440 just sat and I cried, and I and I you know, 0:15:39.440 --> 0:15:41.600 I was so busy running like this big gangster that 0:15:41.640 --> 0:15:43.840 I thought that I'd become this big, bad ass gangster. 0:15:43.880 --> 0:15:45.880 And I think and I was all and I was 0:15:45.880 --> 0:15:48.000 all back, and I sat in this tape and just 0:15:48.040 --> 0:15:50.160 cried for three hours, you know what I mean, just 0:15:50.200 --> 0:15:53.520 sobbed like a baby and wanted my mum and begged 0:15:53.560 --> 0:15:55.080 them to let me go so I didn't have to 0:15:55.120 --> 0:15:57.400 front cod. I think I said something like, please, you 0:15:57.440 --> 0:15:59.200 can't let me go to court in the morning. It'll 0:15:59.280 --> 0:16:01.160 ruin my career. Like I didn't have a career by 0:16:01.200 --> 0:16:03.680 that point. But you know, I'm still holding on to 0:16:03.760 --> 0:16:08.040 this thing, and I knew that I couldn't really talk 0:16:08.040 --> 0:16:09.920 about anything that I wanted to talk. I remember just 0:16:10.000 --> 0:16:13.000 wanting to tell this detective everything because I was just 0:16:13.080 --> 0:16:15.480 so sad and I just had this moment of vulnerability 0:16:15.520 --> 0:16:17.400 and I couldn't because I knew the people waiting out 0:16:17.400 --> 0:16:18.920 in the front of me would want my tape. 0:16:19.480 --> 0:16:23.360 And yeah, you're vulnerable there, and what we're talking about 0:16:23.360 --> 0:16:25.920 there is someone that gets locked up. Well, the first 0:16:26.000 --> 0:16:28.000 off of that, cops give where did you get your 0:16:28.040 --> 0:16:30.240 drugs from? You give up the dealer and all that, 0:16:30.360 --> 0:16:33.200 and then yeah, you're not hanging around with the nicest 0:16:33.200 --> 0:16:37.080 people at this stage and you start talking and there's consequences. 0:16:37.120 --> 0:16:40.640 So you absolutely delve right into this. It's a bit 0:16:40.640 --> 0:16:42.880 of a different world than the Australian idol, isn't. 0:16:42.680 --> 0:16:48.200 It slightly different ends of the scales. Yeah, and it 0:16:48.240 --> 0:16:50.240 was an eye opener, but again, it just was this 0:16:50.360 --> 0:16:53.440 and I remember thinking a few times like how am I? 0:16:53.720 --> 0:16:57.480 How was this my life? But it was and I 0:16:57.480 --> 0:16:58.480 didn't know how to fix it. 0:16:58.640 --> 0:17:01.480 Did you look at like other people from the people 0:17:01.600 --> 0:17:04.439 you contemporary? So the ones that you were playing music with. 0:17:04.600 --> 0:17:08.520 And yeah, members of young divas when their careers are 0:17:08.560 --> 0:17:12.360 going from strength to strength, did you sometimes sit there 0:17:12.400 --> 0:17:14.960 and go, I used to sing with them in your 0:17:15.000 --> 0:17:16.800 own yeah, in your own mind. 0:17:17.000 --> 0:17:20.680 Yeah, yeah, well people, but you know what, people people 0:17:20.760 --> 0:17:22.720 knew that the circles that I was running, and people 0:17:22.800 --> 0:17:25.040 knew who I was. People knew where I came from, 0:17:25.160 --> 0:17:27.359 and they used to some people used to find it 0:17:27.400 --> 0:17:29.520 fascinating and and I wore it as a bit of 0:17:29.520 --> 0:17:31.800 a badge embarrassingly for a little while. 0:17:31.920 --> 0:17:35.760 Yeah, I wondered whether that carried anything in that. But yeah, 0:17:35.880 --> 0:17:39.000 you're in all these people with their failed lives, and 0:17:39.520 --> 0:17:41.600 you would have had a story. I used to be something. 0:17:41.680 --> 0:17:42.320 This was who I. 0:17:42.320 --> 0:17:45.080 Still think, and I am somebody in a way, you know. 0:17:45.240 --> 0:17:47.000 But I'm sitting in the same rooms with all of 0:17:47.000 --> 0:17:50.560 these people think and I'm still somebody of some importance, 0:17:50.600 --> 0:17:54.880 and you know, I again, that just is a representation 0:17:54.960 --> 0:17:57.160 of how deluded I was at that time. And I did, 0:17:57.359 --> 0:17:59.320 you know. I would see the girls have their successes 0:17:59.320 --> 0:18:01.240 in the media or something. You'd catch my eye in 0:18:01.280 --> 0:18:03.480 a magazine or on Facebook or whatever it was, and 0:18:03.520 --> 0:18:07.800 it hurt. But I would just bury that in the 0:18:08.200 --> 0:18:10.200 backpack with all the other shit that I was trying 0:18:10.200 --> 0:18:10.639 to avoid. 0:18:10.880 --> 0:18:15.720 Yeah, and for your second door, your further arrests the 0:18:15.880 --> 0:18:19.640 media attention again, and at that point in time, the public, 0:18:19.680 --> 0:18:21.800 I would suggest to just writing your offers are there's 0:18:21.800 --> 0:18:23.280 no hope for this person? 0:18:24.080 --> 0:18:26.479 Nah? She I think I think the last time, I 0:18:26.480 --> 0:18:28.600 think I was looking at fifteen years, which I don't 0:18:28.600 --> 0:18:30.560 think I ever was, but that's what the media said 0:18:30.560 --> 0:18:32.960 I was. That was the headline. My poor grandma, the 0:18:33.000 --> 0:18:35.080 sweetest person you've ever known in your life, rang up 0:18:35.119 --> 0:18:37.000 and said, now, Darling, I'm going to come to court. 0:18:37.040 --> 0:18:38.440 I'm going to put on a nice dress and tell 0:18:38.480 --> 0:18:41.399 them that you're a nice girl. You know. I was 0:18:41.440 --> 0:18:45.439 just I was just really yeah. I was deep in 0:18:45.480 --> 0:18:49.600 it by that point, and I luckily didn't end up 0:18:49.600 --> 0:18:53.040 in jail. I had a very good lawyer, and I 0:18:53.080 --> 0:18:57.480 did my directions and my CCO, my community corrections order, 0:18:57.720 --> 0:19:00.399 and completed that a couple of years later. But it 0:19:00.440 --> 0:19:03.120 wasn't long after that that court case that things changed. 0:19:04.720 --> 0:19:08.800 The situation where you were attacked with a man in 0:19:08.840 --> 0:19:12.320 your life and a drug fueled rage with a machete 0:19:12.600 --> 0:19:16.840 doesn't sound very nice. Are you kind enough to tell 0:19:16.920 --> 0:19:17.800 us what happened there. 0:19:18.240 --> 0:19:22.639 Yeah, Look, I met my Look, I've been addicted to 0:19:22.680 --> 0:19:24.639 all kinds of things, and love is no different. And 0:19:24.680 --> 0:19:27.800 I was a crazy love addict, and you know, I 0:19:27.840 --> 0:19:31.720 would fall in love instantly with the most toxic of humans. 0:19:31.760 --> 0:19:34.480 And you know, I've done that a lot over the years, 0:19:35.600 --> 0:19:38.600