Speaker 1: I think I am getting better at moving on from
Speaker 1: fights and arguments where don't let them hold the gravity
Speaker 1: that I used to let them hold. I could feel
Speaker 1: the point where I would like, I'm going to hang
Speaker 1: on to this for a little bit longer and just
Speaker 1: ignore him.
Speaker 2: Hello, and welcome to separate bathrooms. We would like to
Speaker 2: acknowledge the Gadigor people of your nation, the traditional custodians
Speaker 2: of this land, and pay our respects to the eldest,
Speaker 2: both past and the presence. My name's Cam Daddo. A'm
Speaker 2: Ali Daddo, and we've been married for thirty four.
Speaker 1: Years, says says Colonel Sanders.
Speaker 2: Yes, correct to thirty fourth wedding anniversary. It's our we're
Speaker 2: celebrating for a week. This is our week. Why not?
Speaker 1: Wow?
Speaker 2: Yes, I think we should. Three and four adds up
Speaker 2: to seven when there are seven days in a week,
Speaker 2: So let's celebrate. Where has the time? Okay?
Speaker 1: I like how you came round to that. That was good.
Speaker 1: I'm sure seven is some that's got a lot of
Speaker 1: meaning to it. Did we should have looked that up beforehand.
Speaker 2: Didn't we to? Did? Then? I was born on the
Speaker 2: seventh too, that's true?
Speaker 1: Seven seven members in your family? What what is happening?
Speaker 1: We're making connections everywhere.
Speaker 2: Where's the time gone? Thirty four years?
Speaker 1: I do not know. We've had many stages of our
Speaker 1: marriage as well. We like different countries, different Yeah, some
Speaker 1: of it feels like a dream or an.
Speaker 2: A little bit of both, tend a lot of everything
Speaker 2: in between.
Speaker 1: What does marriage mean something to you now?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: Is it different for you now? Yeah? I kind of yeah,
Speaker 1: But what does it mean to you now?
Speaker 2: What it means to me now? It's when we thinking
Speaker 2: about this question, I was thinking like a penguin, pe
Speaker 2: wing penging. Yeah, they have partners for life, yeah, you know,
Speaker 2: and they that's what they do. And I think that's
Speaker 2: where I'm at. Really yeah, So don't try and leave.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 2: So I know that we stood there in December the seventh,
Speaker 2: nineteen ninety one, and Reverend Brian Sears and the Garrison
Speaker 2: Church made mistakes all of his stuff, called me, David,
Speaker 2: We've been through all this long time. Listeners will know
Speaker 2: all this stuff. But you know, only see you're there
Speaker 2: for life, and you know all the stuff he said
Speaker 2: in our pre meetings, which just hilarious. I mean, I
Speaker 2: did give it a lot of thought. But I don't
Speaker 2: think that I really understood what it was that we
Speaker 2: were embarking on. I just saw my mum and dad.
Speaker 2: Was their thirtieth wedding anniversary on that day, which means
Speaker 2: it's their sixty fourth, right eight, sixty eighth wedding anniversary.
Speaker 1: Sixty four. I don't know where you got the eight from.
Speaker 2: I was doubling it. It doesn't work like that, doesn't it. No, No,
Speaker 2: I love it even more the sixty four thousand dollar
Speaker 2: quids that's their sixty fourth this week as well. So
Speaker 2: you know, I just looked at them and I didn't
Speaker 2: really I didn't know the work that they put into
Speaker 2: their marriage to stay together for thirty years. At that point,
Speaker 2: I had no real clue. But I think there's what
Speaker 2: I think what it means to me now is that,
Speaker 2: as you alluded to, there's been dreams and not mans
Speaker 2: and everything in between that that creates the journey. And
Speaker 2: I think, you know, as the penguin would go through
Speaker 2: all that on their living, on their piece of ice,
Speaker 2: you know, the ups and downs of the whole thing,
Speaker 2: that's where the value is. I think for me, what
Speaker 2: about you?
Speaker 1: For me, what marriage means now? Is the first word
Speaker 1: that came up was comfort that it's it's there's a
Speaker 1: comfort that just is really lovely to me that I
Speaker 1: don't you know, you're still the first person I want
Speaker 1: to tell on my news to. I understand you. I
Speaker 1: feel like you understand me. I mean, there was still
Speaker 1: places of learning and challenges, which I think is good.
Speaker 1: I think that's good, you know in that way, and
Speaker 1: you know that we're still making plans for our future.
Speaker 1: Like I feel like that's really more exciting in a
Speaker 1: way now because our future is just you and I.
Speaker 1: It's not like for so many years it was what's
Speaker 1: the future of the five of us? What are we
Speaker 1: going to do for the kids? What are we going
Speaker 1: to you know, what's happening with them? And you know,
Speaker 1: So now it's just like, what's our future just the
Speaker 1: two of us. So that's that's marriage for me right now,
Speaker 1: which is really interesting. It's an interesting phase I feel
Speaker 1: like in our relationship in a lot of ways.
Speaker 2: It's something you just touched on them about the point
Speaker 2: of making plans. I think that's really important to have
Speaker 2: something to look forward to. Yeah, And I think that's
Speaker 2: something for any of us that this that's when we
Speaker 2: set about doing something, to make sure you've got something
Speaker 2: fun to do afterwards, or something that you're looking forward
Speaker 2: to that you're making a plan towards.
Speaker 1: We haven't been very good at that.
Speaker 2: Well, having something fun to do.
Speaker 1: Having something fun to look forward to.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we're getting better at it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we're getting better at We've managed.
Speaker 2: To make it thirty four years without doing too much
Speaker 2: of it, So I think we've earned earned some fun time, Yeah,
Speaker 2: because I know a lot of it's been work and stress. Yeah,
Speaker 2: there's been moments where where, like through the early two
Speaker 2: thousand or you know, through that global financial our financial
Speaker 2: crisis time, where it wasn't that fun. And though I
Speaker 2: look back on that now and it's a story now
Speaker 2: and it's like, wow, well here we are today, fifteen
Speaker 2: years later and we're in a different position, and but
Speaker 2: we kept going, you know. So again it's I know
Speaker 2: I've talked about taking action before, but having something to
Speaker 2: look forward to and then taking action towards that is
Speaker 2: I think a great thing in keeping keeping the relationship fresh. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and always wanting to know, curious about learning something new.
Speaker 1: Would you have this might be a ticky question, you know,
Speaker 1: thirty four years. It's hard to pinpoint, I know, but
Speaker 1: could you what would you say some of your favorite
Speaker 1: moments of the last thirty four years?
Speaker 2: My favorite moments? Yeah, well, look as I just said,
Speaker 2: so looking back and acknowledging there have been tough times,
Speaker 2: some of those tough times have been my favorite times
Speaker 2: because it's galvanized us and I don't know if it's galvanized,
Speaker 2: whether it's the galvanizing of a family or oscar. Keep
Speaker 2: it with you and me, our moving to the United
Speaker 2: States to live in nineteen ninety two is a favorite
Speaker 2: time for me because we was It was challenging, it
Speaker 2: was really hard. I know, it was a bit shitit
Speaker 2: for you. I know you had a horrible time.
Speaker 1: Horrible, but we were together.
Speaker 2: You know, And to me, I look back on it
Speaker 2: interesting and I look back at that moment, those two
Speaker 2: where it was just really you and me and we
Speaker 2: go like the night that we went line dancing at
Speaker 2: Denim and Diamonds in Santa Monica. That place is no
Speaker 2: longer here anymore, but doing that country line dancing, bootscoot
Speaker 2: and hell fire or boogie, you know that stuff. Those
Speaker 2: things that we did, those activities that we did are
Speaker 2: certainly favorite.
Speaker 3: Moments, Even as disastrous as our move to Australia in
Speaker 3: twenty seventeen with the kids heading to Fiji and doing
Speaker 3: that thing and how traumatic that was, it's still galvanizedreeah, of.
Speaker 2: Course, and so it becomes a bit of a favorite
Speaker 2: moment in that. I guess it's a way for me
Speaker 2: also to transform something that was a bit ship that
Speaker 2: was really fun. Well, it does.
Speaker 1: It just becomes a story, doesn't it. That's something when
Speaker 1: you're in it, it feels like the worst experience ever,
Speaker 1: But when you add it onto the storytelling piles, it's
Speaker 1: a good story to tell. You got something to say.
Speaker 2: And also knowing that we got through.
Speaker 1: It, yeah, well on this side of it.
Speaker 2: Now, that helps you going we got through that, Yes,
Speaker 2: you know that. That sort of thing. Always favorite moments
Speaker 2: for me is setting up when we've moved from one
Speaker 2: house to another and we've set that place up and
Speaker 2: the kids have wanted to paint that this color room
Speaker 2: or that thing, and doing that sort of stuff that's
Speaker 2: been creative and building stuff. That's been favorite moments of
Speaker 2: mind too. What about you, what are your favorite moments?
Speaker 1: Well, every time I found out we were pregnant.
Speaker 2: I have really not much to do with it.
Speaker 1: I'll take it. Yeah, just that those are etched, you know,
Speaker 1: very deeply of course. And favorite moments I'm gonna have
Speaker 1: to say the I mean, look, we've had some We've
Speaker 1: had not a lot of holidays over thirty four years.
Speaker 1: We really have not had a lot of holidays at all.
Speaker 1: Some of them have been disaster.
Speaker 2: They did have, but they're story too.
Speaker 1: There a story too that our holiday in Scotland two
Speaker 1: years ago. God, that was good because it was our
Speaker 1: whole family plus Lock River's boyfriend and it just you know,
Speaker 1: I know we've spoken about it on the podcast as well.
Speaker 1: It just went. It went as beautifully and as seamlessly
Speaker 1: and as fun and as just and it was relaxing
Speaker 1: and it was just so spectacular, you know, everything about
Speaker 1: it was. That's that's a special one. And then you know,
Speaker 1: it's not unlike what you were talking about with the
Speaker 1: moving to a new home, but that moment when we
Speaker 1: bought our first home in the States, in the States
Speaker 1: and the home that we really wanted as well, that
Speaker 1: just the universe conspired to being us being able to
Speaker 1: get this this house and that was magic, magic moments.
Speaker 1: So we'll have to create that one again.
Speaker 2: Well we've done it. Yes, so we've done it and
Speaker 2: we can do it again.
Speaker 1: Yes, that would be nice.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that's it's a good validation to have when
Speaker 2: we're when we're dreaming up our new place at our
Speaker 2: new food.
Speaker 1: Remember that feeling, how do we do that?
Speaker 2: I remember, we just it just it was one of
Speaker 2: those yeah, remember that, you don't say this. Remember we
Speaker 2: were in the backyard of that play of that house
Speaker 2: and we didn't want to leave, but we were just
Speaker 2: sitting on the back There was this little steps that
Speaker 2: look were down on the grass and the real estate
Speaker 2: agent had packed her crap up and there we were
Speaker 2: sitting out on that grass looking over Santa Monica across
Speaker 2: the sea, across the bay there, and I remember the
Speaker 2: lady going, you need to go now, which I just
Speaker 2: was like burying my hands in the dirt, going I
Speaker 2: am gonna have this is going to be my place?
Speaker 2: Or do you remember that moment?
Speaker 1: I don't remember that moment.
Speaker 2: She hustled us out, and then we were sitting on
Speaker 2: the fireplace on the half I do remember that, and
Speaker 2: we can have cups of tea here, I know, dreaming.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, that was the most beautiful half I've ever
Speaker 1: of a house I've ever It was the heart of
Speaker 1: the half. I loved it.
Speaker 2: What would are you done? I am, because I'm ready
Speaker 2: to hear more of your favorite moments. But if you're done,
Speaker 2: I'm Donekay, all right? So thirty four years are being married.
Speaker 2: We often get asked about our marriage and on this podcast,
Speaker 2: given it's a relationship podcast, We've had questions, We've answered questions.
Speaker 2: What would you say are some of the biggest lessons
Speaker 2: that you've learned.
Speaker 1: To get better at? Which I think I am getting
Speaker 1: better at moving on from fights and arguments where don't
Speaker 1: let them hold the gravity that I used to let
Speaker 1: them hold, because sometimes I could, I could feel the
Speaker 1: point where I would like and I'm I'm going to
Speaker 1: hang on to this for a little bit longer and
Speaker 1: just ignore him and just you know, stone wall, which
Speaker 1: is the worst thing you could do, number One thing
Speaker 1: you don't want to do with stonewall your partner. And
Speaker 1: it's like, I'm not going to do that because honestly,
Speaker 1: I don't like it. It doesn't feel good to me.
Speaker 1: And it's like, okay, we've had that argument. We've had
Speaker 1: a bit of a blow up like, yeah, just like
Speaker 1: we've been together thirty four years. Move on, like, just
Speaker 1: move on, like we don't need to hammer this out
Speaker 1: and strip it down and pick it apart and get
Speaker 1: mad at it again. It's like you said a mean word.
Speaker 1: I said a mean word. Sorry about that. Yep, on
Speaker 1: we go.
Speaker 2: Why don't you tell me what this was going on?
Speaker 2: Because I got confused. I'm like, she doesn't give a shit.
Speaker 2: Jesus doesn't care anymore. I used to know you cared
Speaker 2: because you would hang on a ship for so long. No,
Speaker 2: I was like, and now it's like, she just let
Speaker 2: it go. Where's it gone? Because you can't sweep it
Speaker 2: under the rug. Because you sweep it under the rug,
Speaker 2: it just comes back and buy you. No, it's three
Speaker 2: weeks later.
Speaker 1: Rug is just like, is this work?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 1: So this is what you're doing your time?
Speaker 2: I've noticed this about you.
Speaker 1: Good. I'm really glad.
Speaker 2: And it's confused me. Yeah, because she doesn't get but
Speaker 2: you're actually letting it go.
Speaker 1: Yes, it's so much more. Yes, it's so much more.
Speaker 1: It's so much more fun and easier to do it
Speaker 1: that way. Like it's just it's just you know, I mean,
Speaker 1: we haven't had any arguments where it's like this is
Speaker 1: this is cause for therapy or you know, but like
Speaker 1: the little stuff that just used to really sometimes get
Speaker 1: into make it into a big thing. I'm like, oh gosh,
Speaker 1: just don't even sweat about it. Yeah, it's a very
Speaker 1: conscious decision because I can sometimes feel where I could go.
Speaker 1: I could really go down that well worn path and
Speaker 1: be like, I'm going to make this into something bigger
Speaker 1: and yeah, wait till he apologizes and he realized, like
Speaker 1: just go to have a chat and have a cup
Speaker 1: of tea and see, you know what we're having for dinner.
Speaker 1: Like it's not worth it. Okay, all right, That's one
Speaker 1: thing that I have learned this year and certainly worked on.
Speaker 1: And then I know, I keep talking about this, but
Speaker 1: learning the way your brain works, good luck just become
Speaker 1: clearer to me. I'm not saying I've got it all.
Speaker 1: I understood it. Your book has also helped me as
Speaker 1: well understand your brain better as well. And also the
Speaker 1: thing that I really loved is throwing out all my
Speaker 1: old journals when we moved. I felt it felt really
Speaker 1: freeing to do that, really freeing, because there were a
Speaker 1: lot of trauma felled journals and really happy to throw
Speaker 1: them out.
Speaker 2: Did you tell me that you threw your journals out?
Speaker 2: So this is interesting, listener, that I threw out my
Speaker 2: journals too, And this is and I didn't know that
Speaker 2: you threw out yours, and I thought maybe, oh, maybe
Speaker 2: you did tell me that, But I think we both
Speaker 2: came to it at the same similar time.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think I've been throwing out I have been
Speaker 1: throwing at mine if I come across them, but this
Speaker 1: time around, I'd already thrown out a bunch and then
Speaker 1: this last move, if I came across another one, I was.
Speaker 2: Like, gone, Yeah, well I did a cull. I guess
Speaker 2: I don't know. A year ago, I chucked a bunch out,
Speaker 2: but I kept a few. They're all gone.
Speaker 1: Now, and I mean the ones from like twenty thirty
Speaker 1: years ago. Like I think having a journal for today?
Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean? Like, what's going on
Speaker 1: with you right now? Great? Yep, I love those.
Speaker 2: Journaling is the best way to get stuff out. And
Speaker 2: then are you going to go back to it? Chances
Speaker 2: are no. It's like luggage. It'll stay with you forever
Speaker 2: until the wheels fall off, and then you decide to
Speaker 2: check it out in the council COINU. Yeah. No, I
Speaker 2: did the same because for me, it was based on dwelling.
Speaker 2: And this is one of the lessons that you know,
Speaker 2: we've spoken about the biggest lessons for this year, and
Speaker 2: it's that word. It's a label, do not dwell. I
Speaker 2: think it's important to break something down, as to as
Speaker 2: I've spoken about before, break it down, take the wisdom,
Speaker 2: and then check it out. Don't dwell because the dwelling
Speaker 2: for me, and that's where the journals have come in.
Speaker 2: If I picked it up and read this, oh my god,
Speaker 2: I've been I've been dwelling on this for a long time.
Speaker 1: What I mean by the holding on to stuff?
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it just creates a depressive, stuffy yes.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and to be drawn back back and back into
Speaker 1: the past. It's like, no, I've done the therapy, I've
Speaker 1: understood it. There's nothing more to pull apart. Where do
Speaker 1: I go from here? What's the step forward?
Speaker 2: I'm totally with that. One of the biggest lessons I've
Speaker 2: learned in our thirty four years of marriage is that
Speaker 2: I can't fix you. I can help you and support you,
Speaker 2: but it's better. And it's the same with parenting. Really,
Speaker 2: you can't fix the kids. Let them do their stuff,
Speaker 2: let them make mistakes, you know, don't try to fix.
Speaker 2: And you'll probably agree with this anyway, you know. It's
Speaker 2: it's it's better not to know it all. Oh, yeah,
Speaker 2: it's better not to know it all.
Speaker 1: And from something somethings it's really important to know, but
Speaker 1: for something Yeah.
Speaker 2: And then and that I've spoken a lot about this
Speaker 2: through the years, that the need to be right just
Speaker 2: kills the kill stuff, you know, it just the need
Speaker 2: to be right just kills the vibe. Yeah, it's okay
Speaker 2: not to know, and it's all you don't have to
Speaker 2: dominate the other person. Just let them, you know, even
Speaker 2: if they're wrong.
Speaker 1: Even if you're wrong. I just said to my face,
Speaker 1: it's fine, it's okay, just.
Speaker 2: Go yeah, okay, that's fine.
Speaker 1: The thing I've said this about us before, the thing
Speaker 1: that I've recognized about the two of us as well,
Speaker 1: is that both of us can be so all were
Speaker 1: right and were and we're wrong, and both of us
Speaker 1: can be so sure that we're right and we are right.
Speaker 1: Like I think we have a very I don't know
Speaker 1: if that makes sense, but we're very even like there
Speaker 1: are times whereund like, this is so the right way
Speaker 1: to go, and it's you turn right here, da da
Speaker 1: da da da, And I've been one hundred percent wrong.
Speaker 1: And then there's been times that you've gone, no, you
Speaker 1: do it this way, you pull the lever this way,
Speaker 1: and you've been absolutely wrong. But we've also been right,
Speaker 1: one hundred percent right, as much as we've been wrong,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. Like not no, not one
Speaker 1: of us has been right all the time, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean.
Speaker 2: So I think we haven't made you have to have allowance.
Speaker 1: It's Brene Brown would say, oh, okay, there you go. Okay,
Speaker 1: we've we have compiled some tips I think that we
Speaker 1: could just run through them super quick that we've picked
Speaker 1: up over the years through counselors.
Speaker 2: Yes, grab your notebook.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they we'll just go through them really quick. But
Speaker 1: I think these are fab Okay, So these are fabulous
Speaker 1: tips we think anyway for a healthy marriage, all right.
Speaker 2: Number one, yep, never name core when arguing. Only when
Speaker 2: you're having sex.
Speaker 1: God, and I don't call you that when we're having sex.
Speaker 1: Number two, put your phone, computer video game away when
Speaker 1: your partner is speaking to you.
Speaker 2: Never ever bad mouth your partner to your kids.
Speaker 1: Find ways to make your partner feel special, talk about
Speaker 1: them in public, in front of them in a loving way.
Speaker 2: There you go, laugh together, go see comedy, watch a
Speaker 2: funny movie, whatever it takes. Laugh and look.
Speaker 1: To learn something new together.
Speaker 2: There you go. Love that one. Do your best to
Speaker 2: not take your partner's mood personally.
Speaker 1: That's hard, but yes, agreed. Travel even if it's a
Speaker 1: little road trip just or even if it's in the
Speaker 1: next suburb. Sometimes just getting out of your routine, sharing
Speaker 1: adventures always good.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Okay, I love this one. Stay till the end
Speaker 2: of the conversation.
Speaker 1: Yep, I should do.
Speaker 2: I'm going to do that more.
Speaker 1: Have the hard conversations, the ones about the relationship, because
Speaker 1: how you repair after an argument says a lot about
Speaker 1: the relationship's health. So make sure you work it out so.
Speaker 2: In alignment with that, let them rest.
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, prioritize time together.
Speaker 2: Compliments are still so important and wonderful, and.
Speaker 1: I would put gratitude in with that as well.
Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, you'll go.
Speaker 1: Last one is that keep the physical touch going, hand holding,
Speaker 1: squeeze on the arm as you walk by, beautiful things,
Speaker 1: love it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, alrighty that'll do. That'll do, that'll do. Enjoy your day.
Speaker 2: Who love the one you're with yep, and.
Speaker 1: Happy anniversary, honey.
Speaker 2: Happy anniversary. Let's go eat some dinner.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that'd be nice. All right, lots of love everyone, fine,