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Speaker 1: I think I am getting better at moving on from

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Speaker 1: fights and arguments where don't let them hold the gravity

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Speaker 1: that I used to let them hold. I could feel

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Speaker 1: the point where I would like and I'm going to

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Speaker 1: hang on to this for a little bit longer and

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Speaker 1: just ignore him.

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Speaker 2: Hello, and welcome to separate bathrooms.

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Speaker 3: We would like to acknowledge the.

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Speaker 2: Gadigor people of your nation, the traditional custodians of this land,

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Speaker 2: and pay our respects to the eldest, both.

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Speaker 3: Past and the presence finance Cam daddo.

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Speaker 2: I'm Ali Daddo, and we've been married for thirty four.

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Speaker 1: Years, says says Colonel Sanders. Yes, correct, it's.

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Speaker 2: Thirty fourth wedding anniversary. It's our We're celebrating for a week.

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Speaker 3: This is our week. Why not?

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Speaker 1: Wow?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yes, I think we should.

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Speaker 2: Three and four adds up to seven when there are

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Speaker 2: seven days in.

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Speaker 3: A week, So let's celebrate. Where has the time?

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Speaker 1: Okay? I like how you came round to that. That

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Speaker 1: was good. I'm sure seven is some that's got a

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Speaker 1: lot of meaning to it. Did we should have looked

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Speaker 1: that up beforehand?

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Speaker 3: Didn't we to?

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Speaker 1: Did it?

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Speaker 3: Then?

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Speaker 2: I was born on the seventh too, that's true.

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Speaker 1: Of seven seven members in your family? What what is happening?

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Speaker 1: We're making connections everywhere?

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Speaker 3: Where's the time gone? Thirty four years?

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Speaker 1: I do not know. We've had many stages of our

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Speaker 1: marriage as well, don't we like different countries? Different Yeah,

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Speaker 1: some of it feels like a dream or night.

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Speaker 2: A little bit of both, tend a lot of everything

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Speaker 2: in between.

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Speaker 1: What marriage mean something to you now?

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Speaker 3: Like?

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Speaker 1: Is it different for you now? Yeah?

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Speaker 3: I kind of yeah.

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Speaker 1: What does it mean to you now? Well?

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Speaker 2: What it means to me now? It's when we thought

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Speaker 2: thinking about this question, I was thinking like a.

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Speaker 3: Penguin, pe wing pengin.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, they have partners for.

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Speaker 3: Life, yeah, you know, and they that's what they do.

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Speaker 2: And I think that's where I'm at. Really, yes, So

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Speaker 2: don't try and leave.

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Speaker 1: Okay.

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Speaker 2: So I know that we stood there in December the seventh,

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Speaker 2: nineteen ninety one, and Reverend Brian Sears and the Garrison

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Speaker 2: Church made mistakes, did all of his stuff, called me, David,

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Speaker 2: We've been through all this long time. Listeners will know

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Speaker 2: all this stuff. But you know, and you see, you're

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Speaker 2: there for life, and you know stuff he said in

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Speaker 2: our pre meetings that were just hilarious. I mean, I

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Speaker 2: did give it a lot of thought, but I.

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Speaker 3: Don't think that I really understood.

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Speaker 2: What it was that we were embarking on. I just

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Speaker 2: saw my mum and dad. Was their thirtieth wedding anniversary

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Speaker 2: on that day, which means it's their sixty fourth, right eight,

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Speaker 2: sixty eighth wedding anniversary.

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Speaker 1: Sixty fourth. I don't know where you got the eight from.

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Speaker 2: I was doubling it.

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Speaker 3: It doesn't work like that, does it.

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Speaker 1: No?

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Speaker 3: I love it even more.

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Speaker 2: The sixty four thousand dollar Quists did. That's their sixty

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Speaker 2: fourth this week as well, So you know, I just

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Speaker 2: looked at them and I didn't really I didn't know

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Speaker 2: the work that they put into their marriage to stay

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Speaker 2: together for thirty years. At that point, I had no

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Speaker 2: real clue. But I think there's what I think, what

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Speaker 2: it means to me now is that, as you alluded to,

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Speaker 2: there's been dreams and mans and everything in between that

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Speaker 2: that creates the journey. And I think, you know, as

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Speaker 2: the penguin would go through all that on their living

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Speaker 2: on their piece of ice, you know, the ups and

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Speaker 2: downs of the whole thing, that's where the value is.

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Speaker 3: I think, for me, what about you?

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Speaker 2: For me?

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Speaker 1: What marriage means now is the first word that came

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Speaker 1: up was comfort that it's it's there's a comfort that

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Speaker 1: just is really lovely to me that I don't you know,

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Speaker 1: you're still the first person I want to tell on

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Speaker 1: my news to. I understand you. I feel like you

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Speaker 1: understand me. I mean there was still places of learning

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Speaker 1: and challenges, which I think is good. I think that's good,

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Speaker 1: you know in that way, and you know that we're

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Speaker 1: still making plans for our future. Like I feel like

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Speaker 1: that's really more exciting in a way now because our

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Speaker 1: future is just you and I. It's not like for

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Speaker 1: so many years it was what's the future of the

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Speaker 1: five of us? What are we going to do for

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Speaker 1: the kids? What are we gonna you know, what's happening

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Speaker 1: with them? And you know, so now it's just like,

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Speaker 1: what's our future just the two of us. So that's

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Speaker 1: that's marriage for me right now, which is really interesting.

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Speaker 1: It's an interesting phase I feel like in our relationship

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Speaker 1: in a lot of ways.

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Speaker 3: It's something you.

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Speaker 2: Just touched on them about the point of making plans.

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Speaker 2: I think that's really important to have something to look

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Speaker 2: forward to. Yeah, And I think that's something for any

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Speaker 2: of us at this. That's when we set about doing

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Speaker 2: something to make sure you've got something fun to do afterwards,

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Speaker 2: or something that you're looking forward to that you're making

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Speaker 2: a plan towards.

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Speaker 1: We haven't been very good at that.

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Speaker 3: Well, having something fun to do.

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Speaker 1: Having something fun to look forward to.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, we're getting better at it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, we're getting better at We've managed to make.

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Speaker 2: It thirty four years without doing too much of it,

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Speaker 2: So I think we've earned.

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Speaker 3: Earned some fun time, Yeah, because I know a lot

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Speaker 3: of it's been work and stress.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, there's been moments where where, like through the early

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Speaker 2: two thousand or through that global financial our financial crisis time.

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Speaker 3: Where it wasn't that fun.

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Speaker 2: And though I look back on that now and it's

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Speaker 2: a story now and it's like, wow, well here we

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Speaker 2: are today, fifteen years later and we're in a different position,

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Speaker 2: and but we kept going, you know.

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Speaker 3: So again it's I know I've.

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Speaker 2: Talked about taking action before, but having something to look

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Speaker 2: forward to and then taking action towards that is I

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Speaker 2: think a great thing in keeping keeping the relationship fresh, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: and always wanting to know, curious about learning something new.

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Speaker 1: Would you have This might be a tricky question, you know,

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Speaker 1: thirty four years. It's hard to pinpoint, I know, but

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Speaker 1: could you what would you say some of your favorite

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Speaker 1: moments of the last thirty four years?

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Speaker 3: My favorite moments?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, well, look as I just said, so looking back.

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Speaker 3: And acknowledging there have been.

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Speaker 2: Tough times, some of those tough times have been my

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Speaker 2: favorite times because it's galvanized us and I don't know

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Speaker 2: if it's galvanized, whether it's the galvanizing of a family

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Speaker 2: or oscar. Keep it with you and me, our moving

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Speaker 2: to the United States to live in nineteen ninety two

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Speaker 2: is a favorite time for me because we was it

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Speaker 2: was challenging, it was really hard.

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Speaker 3: I know, it was a bit shit for you. I

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Speaker 3: know you had a horrible.

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Speaker 1: Time, horrible, but we were together.

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Speaker 2: You know, And to me, hey, I look back on

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Speaker 2: it interesting and I look back at that moment, those

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Speaker 2: two where it was just really you and me and

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Speaker 2: we go like the night that we went line dancing

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Speaker 2: at Denim and Diamonds in Santa Monica. That place is

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Speaker 2: no longer here anymore, but doing that country line dancing,

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Speaker 2: boot scoot and hell Fire or boogie, you know that stuff.

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Speaker 2: Those things that we did, those activities that we did

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Speaker 2: are certainly favorite moments, Even as disastrous as our move

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Speaker 2: to Australia in twenty seventeen with the kids heading to

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Speaker 2: Fiji and doing that thing and how traumatic that was.

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Speaker 2: It's still galvanized, of course, and so it becomes a

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Speaker 2: bit of a favorite moment in that. I guess it's

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Speaker 2: a way for me also to transform something that was

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Speaker 2: a bit ship that was really fun.

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Speaker 1: Well it does it does? It just becomes a story,

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Speaker 1: doesn't it. That's something when you're in it, it feels

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Speaker 1: like the worst experience ever, But when you add it

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Speaker 1: onto the storytelling pilots, it's a good story to tell.

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Speaker 1: You got something to say.

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Speaker 3: And also knowing that we got through.

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Speaker 1: It, yeah, on this side of it.

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Speaker 2: Now, that helps you going, jeez, we got through that, Yes,

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Speaker 2: you know that.

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Speaker 3: That sort of thing.

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Speaker 2: Always favorite moments for me is setting up when we've

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Speaker 2: moved from one house to another and we've set that

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Speaker 2: place up and the kids have wanted to paint that

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Speaker 2: this color room or that thing, and doing that sort

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Speaker 2: of stuff that's been creative and building stuff. That's been

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Speaker 2: favorite moments of mind too. What about you, what are

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Speaker 2: your favorite moments?

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Speaker 1: Well, every time I found out we were pregnant.

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Speaker 3: I have really not much to do with it.

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Speaker 1: I'll take it. Yeah, just that those are etched, you know,

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Speaker 1: very deeply of course. And favorite moments I'm gonna have

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Speaker 1: to say that. I mean, look, we've had some We've

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Speaker 1: had not a lot of holidays over thirty four years.

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Speaker 1: We really have not had a lot of holidays at all.

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Speaker 1: Some of them have been disaster.

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Speaker 3: They did have.

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Speaker 1: But there a story too, There a story too that

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Speaker 1: our holiday in Scotland two years ago. God, that was

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Speaker 1: good because it was our whole family plus Lock River's

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Speaker 1: boyfriend and it just you know, I know we've spoken

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Speaker 1: about it on the podcast as well. It just went.

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Speaker 1: It went as beautifully and as seamlessly and as fun

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Speaker 1: and as just and it was relaxing and it was

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Speaker 1: just so spectacular, you know, everything about it was. That's

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Speaker 1: that's a special one. And then you know, it's not

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Speaker 1: unlike what you were talking about with the moving to

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Speaker 1: a new home, but that moment when we bought our

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Speaker 1: first home in the States, in the States, and the

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Speaker 1: home that we really wanted as well, that just the

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Speaker 1: universe conspired to being us being able to get this

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Speaker 1: this house, and that was magic. Magic moments, So we'll

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Speaker 1: have to create that one again.

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Speaker 3: Well we've done it. Yes, so we've done it and

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Speaker 3: we can do it again.

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Speaker 1: Yes, that would be nice.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, that's.

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Speaker 2: It's a good validation to have when we're when we're

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Speaker 2: dreaming up our new place, at our new food.

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Speaker 1: Remember that feeling?

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Speaker 3: How do we do that? Remember? We just it just

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Speaker 3: it was one of those yeah, remember that. You don't

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Speaker 3: remember to say this.

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Speaker 2: Remember we were in the backyard of that play of

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Speaker 2: that house.

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Speaker 3: And we didn't want to leave.

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Speaker 2: We were just sitting on the back There was this

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Speaker 2: little step that look, we're down on the grass and

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Speaker 2: the real estate agent had packed her crap up and

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Speaker 2: there we were sitting out on that grass looking over

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Speaker 2: Santa Monica across the sea, across the bay there, and

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Speaker 2: I remember the lady going, you need to go now,

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Speaker 2: which I just was like burying my hands in the dirt,

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Speaker 2: going I am gonna have this is going to be

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Speaker 2: my place.

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Speaker 3: Do you remember that moment?

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Speaker 1: I don't remember that moment.

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Speaker 2: She hustled us out, and then we were sitting on

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Speaker 2: the fireplace on the half of I remember that. And

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Speaker 2: we can have cups of tea here, I know, like dreaming.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, that was the most beautiful half I've ever

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Speaker 1: of a house I've ever It was the heart of

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Speaker 1: the half home. I loved it.

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Speaker 3: What would are you done?

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Speaker 1: I am done.

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Speaker 2: Because I'm ready to hear more of your favorite moments.

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Speaker 2: But if you're done, I'm Donekay.

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Speaker 3: All right? So thirty four years are being married.

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Speaker 2: We often get asked about our marriage and on this podcast,

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Speaker 2: given it's a relationship podcast, We've had questions, We've answered questions.

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Speaker 2: What would you say are some of the biggest lessons

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Speaker 2: that you've learned.

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Speaker 1: To get better at, which I think I am getting

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Speaker 1: better at moving on from fights and arguments where don't

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Speaker 1: let them hold the gravity that I used to let

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Speaker 1: them hold, because sometimes I could, I could feel the

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Speaker 1: point where I would like and I'm going to I'm

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Speaker 1: going to hang on to this for a little bit

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Speaker 1: longer and just ignore him and just you know, stone wall,

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Speaker 1: which is the worst thing you could do. Number One

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Speaker 1: thing you don't want to do with stonewall your partner.

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Speaker 1: And it's like, I'm not going to do that because honestly,

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Speaker 1: I don't like it. It doesn't feel good to me.

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Speaker 1: And it's like, Okay, we've had that argument. We've had

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Speaker 1: a bit of a blow up, Like yeah, just like

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Speaker 1: we've been together thirty four years. Move on, like, just

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Speaker 1: move on, like we don't need to hammer this out

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Speaker 1: and strip it down and pick it apart and get

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Speaker 1: mad at it again. It's like you said a mean word.

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Speaker 1: I said a mean word. Sorry about that. Yep, on

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Speaker 1: we go.

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Speaker 2: Why don't you tell me what this was going on?

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Speaker 2: Because I got confused. I'm like, she doesn't give a shit,

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Speaker 2: Jesus doesn't care anymore. I used to know you cared

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Speaker 2: because you would hang on a ship for so long. No,

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Speaker 2: I was like, well, and now it's like she just

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Speaker 2: let it go.

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Speaker 3: Where's it gone? Because she can't sweep it under the rug.

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Speaker 3: Because you sweep it under the rug, it just comes

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Speaker 3: back and buy you. No, it's three weeks later.

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Speaker 1: Rug is just like is this work?

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Speaker 3: Okay?

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Speaker 1: So this is what you're doing your time?

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Speaker 3: I've noticed this about you. Good.

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Speaker 1: I'm really glad.

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Speaker 3: And it's confused me.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, because she doesn't care, but you're.

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Speaker 3: Actually letting it go.

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Speaker 1: Yes, it's so much more. Yes, it's so much more.

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Speaker 1: It's so much more fun and easier to do it

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Speaker 1: that way. Like it's just it's just you know, I mean,

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Speaker 1: we haven't had any arguments where it's like this is

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Speaker 1: this is cause for therapy or you know, but like

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Speaker 1: the little stuff that just used to really sometimes get

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Speaker 1: into make it into a big thing. I'm like, oh gosh,

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Speaker 1: just don't even sweat about it. It's a very conscious

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Speaker 1: decision because I can sometimes feel where I could go.

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Speaker 1: I could really go down that well worn path and

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Speaker 1: be like, I'm going to make this into something bigger,

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Speaker 1: and yeah, wait till he apologizes and he realized, like

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Speaker 1: just go have a chat with a cup of tea

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Speaker 1: and see you know what we're having for dinner. Like

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Speaker 1: it's not worth it.

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Speaker 3: Okay, all right.

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Speaker 1: That's one thing that I learned this year and certainly

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Speaker 1: worked on. And then I know, I keep talking about this,

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Speaker 1: but learning the way your brain works, good luck just

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Speaker 1: become clearer to me. I'm not saying I've got it all.

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Speaker 1: I understood it. Your book has also helped me as

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Speaker 1: well understand your brain better as well. And also the

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Speaker 1: thing that I really loved is throwing out all my

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Speaker 1: old journals when we moved. It felt really freeing to

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Speaker 1: do that, really freeing, because there were a lot of trauma,

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Speaker 1: felled journals and really happy to throw them out.

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Speaker 3: Did you tell me that you threw your journals out?

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Speaker 2: So this is interesting, listener, that I threw out my

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Speaker 2: journals too, And this is and I didn't know that

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Speaker 2: you threw out yours, and I thought, maybe, oh, maybe

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Speaker 2: you did tell me that. But I think we both

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Speaker 2: came to it at the same similar time.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think I've been throwing out I have been

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Speaker 1: throwing at mine if I come across them, but this

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Speaker 1: time around, I'd already thrown out a bunch and then

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Speaker 1: this last move, if I came across another one, I

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Speaker 1: was like, gone.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, well I did a cull. I guess I don't know.

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Speaker 2: A year ago I chucked a bunch out, but I

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Speaker 2: kept a few.

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Speaker 3: They're all gone now.

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Speaker 1: And I mean the ones from like twenty thirty years ago.

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Speaker 1: I think having a journal for today, do you know

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Speaker 1: what I mean? Like, what's going on with you right now? Great? Yep,

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Speaker 1: I love those.

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Speaker 2: Journaling is the best way to get stuff out. And

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Speaker 2: then but are you going to go back to it?

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Speaker 2: Chances are no. It's like luggage. It'll stay with you

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Speaker 2: forever until the wheels fall off, and then you decide

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Speaker 2: to chuck it out in the council cleanup.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: No, I did the same because for me it was

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Speaker 2: based on dwelling. And this is one of the lessons

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Speaker 2: that you know, we've spoken about the biggest lessons for

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Speaker 2: this year, and it's that word. It's a label, do

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Speaker 2: not dwell. I think it's important to break something down,

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Speaker 2: as to as I've spoken about before, break it down,

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Speaker 2: take the wisdom, and then.

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Speaker 3: Check it out.

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Speaker 2: Don't dwell because the dwelling for me, and that's where

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Speaker 2: the journals have come in. If I've picked it up

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Speaker 2: and read this, Oh my god, I've been I've been

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Speaker 2: dwelling on this for a long time.

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Speaker 1: I mean by the holding onto stuff.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and it creates a depressive stuff, yes.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and to be drawn back, yes, back and back

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Speaker 1: into the past. It's like, no, I've done the therapy.

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Speaker 1: I've understood it. There's nothing more to pull apart. Where

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Speaker 1: do I go from here? What's the step forward?

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Speaker 2: I'm totally with that. One of the biggest lessons I've

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Speaker 2: learned in our thirty four years of marriage is that

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Speaker 2: I can't fix you. I can help you and support you.

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Speaker 2: But it's better and it's the same with parenting. Really,

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Speaker 2: you can't fix the kids. Let them do their stuff,

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Speaker 2: let them make mistakes, you know, don't try to fix.

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Speaker 2: And you'll probably agree with this anyway, you know. It's

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Speaker 2: it's it's better not to know it all. Oh yeah,

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Speaker 2: it's better not to know it all.

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Speaker 1: And some from something, some things it's really important to know,

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Speaker 1: but for something Yeah.

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Speaker 2: And then and that I've spoken a lot about this

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Speaker 2: through the years, that the need to be right just

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Speaker 2: kills the kill stuff, you know, it just the need

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Speaker 2: to be right just kills the vibe. Yeah, it's okay

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Speaker 2: not to know, and it's all you don't have to

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Speaker 2: dominate the other person. Just let them you know, even

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Speaker 2: if they're.

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Speaker 1: Wrong, even if you're wrong, just said to my face,

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Speaker 1: it's fine, I.

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Speaker 3: Get it, it's okay, just go yeah, okay, that's fine.

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Speaker 1: The thing I've said this about us before, the thing

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Speaker 1: that I've recognized about the two of us as well,

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Speaker 1: is that both of us can be social all we're

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Speaker 1: right and were and we're wrong, and both of us

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Speaker 1: can be so sure that we're right and we are right,

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Speaker 1: like I think we have a very I don't know

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Speaker 1: if that makes sense, but we're very even like there

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Speaker 1: are times whereund like, this is so the right way

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Speaker 1: to go, and it's you turn right here, da da

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Speaker 1: da da da, And I've been one hundred percent wrong.

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Speaker 1: And then there's been times that you've gone, no, you

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Speaker 1: do it this way, you pull the lever this way,

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Speaker 1: and you've been absolutely wrong. But we've also been right,

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Speaker 1: one hundred percent right, as much as we've been wrong,

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Speaker 1: you know what I mean. Like not no, not one

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Speaker 1: of us has been right all the time, you know

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Speaker 1: what I mean. So I think we haven't made you

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Speaker 1: have to have allowance. It's Brene Brown would say, oh, okay,

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Speaker 1: there you go. Okay, we've we have compiled some tips

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Speaker 1: I think that we could just run through them super

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Speaker 1: quick that we've picked up over the years through counselors.

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Speaker 2: Grab your notebook.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, they we'll just go through them really quick. But

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Speaker 1: I think these are fab Okay, so these are fabulous

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Speaker 1: tips we think anyway for a healthy marriage, all right.

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Speaker 2: Number one, Yep, never name core when arguing. Only when

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Speaker 2: you're having sex.

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Speaker 1: God, and I don't call you that when we're having sex.

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Speaker 1: Number two, put your phone, computer video game away when

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Speaker 1: your partner is speaking to you.

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Speaker 2: Never ever bad mouth your partner to your kids.

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Speaker 1: Find ways to make your partner feel special, talk about

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Speaker 1: them in public, in front of them in a loving way.

402
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:42,919
Speaker 2: There you go, laugh together, Go see comedy, watch a

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Speaker 2: funny movie, whatever it takes. Laugh, and look to.

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Speaker 1: Learn something new together.

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Speaker 3: There you go. Love that one.

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Speaker 2: Do your best to not take your partner's mood personally.

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Speaker 1: That's hard, but yes, agreed. Travel, even if it's a

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Speaker 1: little road trip just or even if it's in the

409
00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:10,439
Speaker 1: next suburb. Sometimes just getting out of your routine. Sharing

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Speaker 1: adventures always good.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, Okay, I love this one.

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Speaker 2: Stay till the end of the conversation.

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Speaker 1: Yep, I should do.

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Speaker 3: I've got to do that more.

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Speaker 1: Have the hard conversations, the ones about the relationship, because

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Speaker 1: how you repair after an argument says a lot about

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Speaker 1: the relationship's health. So make sure you work it out.

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Speaker 2: So in alignment with that, let them rest.

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00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:46,680
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, prioritize time together.

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Speaker 2: Compliments are still so important and wonderful.

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Speaker 1: And I would put gratitude in with that as well.

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Speaker 3: Okay, yeah, you'll go.

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00:23:00,119 --> 00:23:07,040
Speaker 1: Last one is that keep the physical touch going, hand holding,

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Speaker 1: squeeze on the arm as you walk by, beautiful things.

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Speaker 3: Love it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, alrighty, that'll do.

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Speaker 3: That'll do, that'll do. Enjoy your day. Who love the

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Speaker 3: one you're.

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Speaker 1: With yep, and happy anniversary, honey.

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Speaker 3: Happy anniversary. Go eat some dinner.

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00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:28,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, that'd be nice. All right, lots of love everyone, fine,