WEBVTT - We Still Struggle a Lot Too

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<v Speaker 1>Hey guys, just a little bit of a heads up

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<v Speaker 1>for this episode, we talk and discuss things like self harm,

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<v Speaker 1>mental health, and eating disorders. If you are at all

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<v Speaker 1>triggered by this conversation, just head to our show notes

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<v Speaker 1>for any resources that you may need, or take a

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<v Speaker 1>breather from this episode and skip to the next one.

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<v Speaker 2>You can reach out to Lifeline Australia on thirteen eleven

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<v Speaker 2>fourteen if you'd like to talk to someone, and for

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<v Speaker 2>mob to mob conversations head to one to three yarn.

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<v Speaker 1>All right, your mob, you can welcome to First things first,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm Brook Blot and my pronouns as she and huh.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm Maddie Mills. My pronouns are he and him. And

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<v Speaker 2>before we get started, we'd like to acknowledge the custodians

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<v Speaker 2>of the land on which we record. And for me,

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<v Speaker 2>that's the gadigle people of the urination.

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<v Speaker 1>For me, it's the undery people of the cooler nation.

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<v Speaker 2>Let's get into it. I thought that you were about

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<v Speaker 2>to say, for me, it's the gay people.

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<v Speaker 1>It is pride man Paks. Yeah, it's me. It's the

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<v Speaker 1>gay community, of the gay community, being gay, gay gay gay, Hay.

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<v Speaker 2>I have downloaded an app that you were using. Want

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<v Speaker 2>to tell you that I'm I don't let downloaded the

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<v Speaker 2>sober app.

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<v Speaker 1>Yes, I am sober, which I wish it was like

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<v Speaker 1>rather than sober, being like I am accountable rather than

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<v Speaker 1>something like, you know, because it's not always sober from something,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, like yeah, yeah.

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<v Speaker 2>It feels like such a I don't know, it feels

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<v Speaker 2>like it's a hard harsh term to use for the

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<v Speaker 2>like yeah, I don't know, for the.

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<v Speaker 1>Because instead of sober for something, wouldn't you want to

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<v Speaker 1>feel like you're just more, you know, practicing accountability rather

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<v Speaker 1>than soberism. Soberism actually a word.

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<v Speaker 2>No, I don't think so, but I made it up

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<v Speaker 2>now it is. But the reason I bring it up

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<v Speaker 2>is because do you remember when we were at the

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<v Speaker 2>start of the year and we were talking about some

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<v Speaker 2>things that we wanted to maybe be a little bit

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<v Speaker 2>more accountable for. Yeah, and well, so I think we

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<v Speaker 2>wanted to have, you know, some breaks from certain aspects

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<v Speaker 2>of our life, and I think yours was you wanted

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<v Speaker 2>to go celibate.

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<v Speaker 1>You know. Over the years that we've done the podcast,

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<v Speaker 1>I think one of the trends that I was noticing

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<v Speaker 1>is you know my relationship aspect not being able to

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<v Speaker 1>develop deeper connections or more sustainable relationships. You know, it

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<v Speaker 1>would be like, oh, I'm dating this guy and it

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<v Speaker 1>goes good like four six weeks and you know, we

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<v Speaker 1>have like two episodes in there, and then it's like

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<v Speaker 1>the next month is oh, nah, that's done, like see

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<v Speaker 1>all move on. And that was a reoccurring pattern. And

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<v Speaker 1>you know, if you are an avid listener and you

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<v Speaker 1>have known my journey, you would know and you would

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<v Speaker 1>notice this pattern with me. And you know, people always say, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>like I have a time, But it's a pattern. And

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<v Speaker 1>if you're not aware of it and you're not being

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<v Speaker 1>self aware, you just keep repeating it. And I just

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<v Speaker 1>kept repeating this relationship pattern of developing these quick fast

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<v Speaker 1>connections and then it disintegrating or it being and not

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<v Speaker 1>what I want because I'm not vetting enough, I'm not

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<v Speaker 1>developing or like unpacking enough in that first part of

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<v Speaker 1>the relationship. I'm sort of just rushing into it. And

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<v Speaker 1>I think, yeah, so I wanted to eliminate some of

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<v Speaker 1>the factors that do happen in that verse rush and

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<v Speaker 1>that's you know, a sexual connection. I feel like I

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<v Speaker 1>value that a lot. In the first instance, that has

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<v Speaker 1>to be chemistry, has to be intense, and it's like, well,

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<v Speaker 1>if you remove that, what else is there? And I

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<v Speaker 1>think that's kind of what I'm unpacking, is removing that aspect,

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<v Speaker 1>so not rushing in and going for it, maybe just

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<v Speaker 1>taking it slow. But I have not been dating. I

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<v Speaker 1>have sort of stopped dating. Uh fuck nos, next month

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<v Speaker 1>will be different. But I am trying to keep accountable

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<v Speaker 1>and that's why I download that app of like no dating,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, meaning like no casual sex or no you know,

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<v Speaker 1>having sex with someone practicing celibacy, Like I don't like

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<v Speaker 1>the word celibacy, but it's just the word that you know,

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<v Speaker 1>we use in the Australian dictionary.

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<v Speaker 2>But yes, okay, do you think that does for your life?

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<v Speaker 2>Like what improves when you find yourself being accountable to that?

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<v Speaker 1>The thing with me is I'm so accountable to a

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<v Speaker 1>lot of things, Like I keep myself accountable, like accountable

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<v Speaker 1>for a certain way I live my life and the

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<v Speaker 1>way that I work. But when I'm not being accountable

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<v Speaker 1>to myself in relationships, I neglect my feelings and I

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<v Speaker 1>neglect some aspects of my life. I kind of get

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<v Speaker 1>distracted by the rush of like love and intensity and

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<v Speaker 1>the excitement of you know that. But yeah, I guess

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not really being accountable to where I'm at in

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<v Speaker 1>my life, which is just I'm so busy. I don't

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<v Speaker 1>really think that I can sustain a healthy, functional relationship

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<v Speaker 1>right now. I don't have the time, and so I

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<v Speaker 1>have to realize that and I have to break that

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<v Speaker 1>pattern of thinking that I do. And yeah, I mean

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<v Speaker 1>there's a lot of other things that I'm keeping accountable

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<v Speaker 1>for which I probably haven't really shared, which have been

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<v Speaker 1>also patterns that I've noticed about my life. So the

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<v Speaker 1>other things that I've given up A coffee, So.

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<v Speaker 2>How do you how does that work? Because I would

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<v Speaker 2>be I think I'd be a shell of myself if

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<v Speaker 2>I didn't have a morning coffee.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, sometimes i am, but I've replaced it with Marcher,

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<v Speaker 1>which is a tea which still has caffeine in it,

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<v Speaker 1>but it's slow releasing and it's not you know. And

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<v Speaker 1>it's when I look at the coffee aspect, for me,

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<v Speaker 1>it was an example of success, which is so unusual,

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<v Speaker 1>like to think, right, It's like every morning I take

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<v Speaker 1>my dog for a walk and I get that coffee

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<v Speaker 1>and every day. Every day I get that coffee, I'm like, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>like I'm living the dream, you know, And I'm reminded, like, oh,

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<v Speaker 1>I can buy my I can buy a coffee every day,

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<v Speaker 1>and I have a coffee machine, a perfectly good coffee machine,

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<v Speaker 1>which I do love the ritual of making a coffee.

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<v Speaker 1>So I swapped that out and I was like, I

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<v Speaker 1>will make a march at home. I'll do the ritual

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<v Speaker 1>which is giving me that same feeling of having that coffee,

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<v Speaker 1>that success, and then I take my dog for a

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<v Speaker 1>walk with my marcher and that has been replaced, and

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<v Speaker 1>that's made me feel much better. It also reduces my anxiety.

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<v Speaker 1>It reduces how stimulated I am, because we do know

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<v Speaker 1>that coffee is a stimulant. And at first it was hard,

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<v Speaker 1>but I've reduced, like you know, I've limited and gradually

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<v Speaker 1>I'll have a not not now, but I'll go back

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<v Speaker 1>to having a coffee maybe like once every month or so,

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<v Speaker 1>because I enjoy it and I want to feel the effect.

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<v Speaker 1>But yeah, I'm I've also I haven't I want to

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<v Speaker 1>ask you a question, but I mean I have also

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<v Speaker 1>stopped drinking, which I'm I'm assuming you know, we'll probably

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<v Speaker 1>talk to your experience with drinking. But my experience with

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<v Speaker 1>alcohol hasn't always been a negative thing. Sorry it has

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<v Speaker 1>been in other people's experiences, but my own, I've just

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<v Speaker 1>not drank because I just don't really like the taste

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<v Speaker 1>of alcohol. But as I've gotten older, it's become more

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<v Speaker 1>of a social thing than really like a thing that

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<v Speaker 1>I like doing. And I've noticed that I don't like

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<v Speaker 1>the effect the next day. Yeah, it's all well into

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<v Speaker 1>you know, fine to be out and having a good time,

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm all about that creating memories with friends, but

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<v Speaker 1>it's the next morning that I suffer that I just

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<v Speaker 1>don't enjoy. So giving that up has yeah, been another

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<v Speaker 1>I guess breaking in the pattern. The hangovers and I think,

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<v Speaker 1>like you know.

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<v Speaker 2>Because are the worst, especially as you get older. It's

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<v Speaker 2>like they just aren't the same anymore. Like I find

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<v Speaker 2>that as well, like you're borrowing time from tomorrow that

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<v Speaker 2>you just shouldn't.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, exactly. And I think I'm I always just silly.

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<v Speaker 1>I always just silly things like I'm not into like

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<v Speaker 1>risk taking or you know, I don't drink so much

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<v Speaker 1>that I'm risk adverse per se, but I will like

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know, I will fall over or I will

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<v Speaker 1>think it's funny to text next, and I think those

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<v Speaker 1>things are just for me in my eyes the way

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<v Speaker 1>that I see them. Not anyone would think that, but

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<v Speaker 1>I just think, oh, I'm better than that.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, I The thing with the accountability app that

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<v Speaker 2>I'm focusing on is actually alcohol. I think that there's

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<v Speaker 2>been so many years where alcohol has been a vice

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<v Speaker 2>for me to forget about things or to numb myself

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<v Speaker 2>or you know. I started drinking when I was fifteen

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<v Speaker 2>years old. And yeah, you know, I went to a

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<v Speaker 2>boarding school where you know, on the weekends you'd go

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<v Speaker 2>out and you would, you know, go we would go

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<v Speaker 2>to my friend's house and they would steal their parents'

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<v Speaker 2>alcohol and we would start drinking. You know, it's around fifteen,

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<v Speaker 2>sixteen years old, I started drinking. And I feel like

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<v Speaker 2>I continuously drank from that age until you know, this year,

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<v Speaker 2>and it as I got older. Unlike you, I actually,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, the floodgates open for me when I get

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<v Speaker 2>drunk and when it comes to risk taking behavior, and

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<v Speaker 2>I feel like it has been an issue for me

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<v Speaker 2>and it's something that I don't like to sort of

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<v Speaker 2>hop on about or share that often because I feel

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<v Speaker 2>there's a shame that comes with it. But I would,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, I.

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<v Speaker 1>Have to what are you most shame about?

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<v Speaker 2>I think the lack of control? You know, when you

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<v Speaker 2>talk about when I talk about, you know, what alcohol

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<v Speaker 2>does for me. I think that it doesn't make you know,

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<v Speaker 2>it doesn't make me happy. It makes me less aware and.

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<v Speaker 1>And so you feel less in control, which makes you feel.

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<v Speaker 2>I just feel like when I drink, I become a

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<v Speaker 2>different person. And that person that I become, I'm not

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<v Speaker 2>it's a happy, go lucky person, but it also is

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<v Speaker 2>a person who partakes in things that just aren't good

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<v Speaker 2>for me. And I've continuously done that for years, and

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<v Speaker 2>it's something that you know, it's quite taboo to talk

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<v Speaker 2>about because people don't want to talk about, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, the risk taking behaviors. But for me, I

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<v Speaker 2>need to be really open and accountable to myself that

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<v Speaker 2>I would never do some of the things that I

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<v Speaker 2>do when I'm drunk if I wasn't drinking alcohol. It

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<v Speaker 2>would be the last thing on my mind, it would,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, those things that they just don't come into

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<v Speaker 2>my world unless I'm intoxicated. So I feel like over

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<v Speaker 2>the years. I've seen that pattern, and I've seen that,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, I do these things when I'm intoxicated or

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<v Speaker 2>when I've had a few drinks that are just outside

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<v Speaker 2>of you know, the world that I want to live in,

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<v Speaker 2>and so I've stopped drinking. You know, I've had since

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<v Speaker 2>the start of the year, there's been a bit of

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<v Speaker 2>a roller coaster ride with sobriety. You know, I have gone,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, for stints and then I've you know, had

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<v Speaker 2>my breakout moment where I've gone and had a drink

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<v Speaker 2>and you know, use the term relapsed but steal. That

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<v Speaker 2>feels quite harsh for my circumstances. But it's about being

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<v Speaker 2>honest about it.

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<v Speaker 1>Exactly, and I think you can use any word, but

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<v Speaker 1>you know, yeah, that's also fun.

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<v Speaker 2>And so the app has helped a lot because and

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<v Speaker 2>this isn't a sponsored episode of anyone who's like, oh,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, I am sober. He is not sponsoring us,

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<v Speaker 2>but they.

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<v Speaker 1>Should keeping us accountable.

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<v Speaker 2>And keeping us accounting.

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<v Speaker 1>I think it's the I don't know, it's just having

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<v Speaker 1>something like tangible to see and to you and.

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<v Speaker 2>Seeing those days, you know, every day you get on

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<v Speaker 2>this app and it gives you a notification and you say, yes,

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<v Speaker 2>I haven't done this today, and it's about, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>seeing those days pile up. It's actually inspiring and motivating.

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<v Speaker 2>So for me, I'm loving clicking. You know, I haven't

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<v Speaker 2>drank today, and I'm not someone who has ever had

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<v Speaker 2>alcohol at home. So if you think about an alcoholic,

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<v Speaker 2>you might, you know, see them as someone who has

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<v Speaker 2>a lot of our cool at home. I've never been

0:12:55.559 --> 0:12:58.600
<v Speaker 2>anyone who drinks who drink at home, so it's always

0:12:58.640 --> 0:12:59.600
<v Speaker 2>going out and drinking.

0:13:00.760 --> 0:13:02.959
<v Speaker 1>Well on the opposite that I have so much alcohol

0:13:03.000 --> 0:13:04.920
<v Speaker 1>at home, like in terms of like cocktail mixes and

0:13:05.000 --> 0:13:07.080
<v Speaker 1>stuff when my friends ring it over, but I've not

0:13:07.240 --> 0:13:09.960
<v Speaker 1>touched any of it. Like I only have a drink

0:13:10.000 --> 0:13:12.720
<v Speaker 1>when I go out and yeah, yeah, like I don't drink.

0:13:12.840 --> 0:13:14.520
<v Speaker 1>I never have a drink at home.

0:13:14.480 --> 0:13:16.760
<v Speaker 2>So we either I never have a drink of home.

0:13:16.760 --> 0:13:18.280
<v Speaker 2>Many friends who go home and have a glass of

0:13:18.320 --> 0:13:20.839
<v Speaker 2>wine or something after work, That's never been my experience.

0:13:20.920 --> 0:13:24.120
<v Speaker 2>My experience is going getting shit faced with friends in

0:13:24.160 --> 0:13:26.960
<v Speaker 2>a club and staying out until the sun rises. Like

0:13:27.360 --> 0:13:29.760
<v Speaker 2>I am an all or nothing type of person, and

0:13:29.800 --> 0:13:32.400
<v Speaker 2>so if I'm not, you know, if I can't be

0:13:32.480 --> 0:13:34.360
<v Speaker 2>measured and in control of that part of my life.

0:13:34.360 --> 0:13:36.160
<v Speaker 2>I'm not going to do it anymore. And it comes

0:13:36.200 --> 0:13:38.240
<v Speaker 2>down to like what I want to sacrifice for the

0:13:38.280 --> 0:13:40.720
<v Speaker 2>things I want to achieve, And this, for me, feels

0:13:40.760 --> 0:13:43.680
<v Speaker 2>like a small sacrifice that is hard work for me.

0:13:44.040 --> 0:13:46.600
<v Speaker 2>I like going out, I like having fun. I like

0:13:46.880 --> 0:13:49.920
<v Speaker 2>drinking and feeling, you know, that sense of euphoria on

0:13:49.960 --> 0:13:53.120
<v Speaker 2>a dance floor and feeling like, you know, tomorrow might

0:13:53.200 --> 0:13:56.480
<v Speaker 2>not come, so just suck it up tonight, you know, like, yeah,

0:13:56.520 --> 0:13:59.200
<v Speaker 2>I love that feeling. So it's actually it's a challenge.

0:13:59.280 --> 0:14:02.600
<v Speaker 2>It's a challenge for me to not partake in that world.

0:14:02.640 --> 0:14:05.000
<v Speaker 2>But I know that in the long run it's going

0:14:05.040 --> 0:14:07.800
<v Speaker 2>to be something that is really helpful for what I

0:14:07.800 --> 0:14:10.000
<v Speaker 2>want to achieve. And it's a small sacrifice in the

0:14:10.000 --> 0:14:12.320
<v Speaker 2>grand scheme of things. But also it comes down to

0:14:12.360 --> 0:14:14.600
<v Speaker 2>the cycle. You know, when I go home and I

0:14:14.600 --> 0:14:17.040
<v Speaker 2>see my nieces and nephews and I think about the

0:14:17.080 --> 0:14:18.400
<v Speaker 2>life that I had when I was a kid, I

0:14:18.440 --> 0:14:20.480
<v Speaker 2>want to break the cycle. And if there's one thing

0:14:20.520 --> 0:14:21.920
<v Speaker 2>that I can do in my life that is going

0:14:21.960 --> 0:14:24.600
<v Speaker 2>to be like the ultimate trayer, it'll be to you know,

0:14:25.680 --> 0:14:28.600
<v Speaker 2>to not drink, because that does stop a lot of

0:14:29.280 --> 0:14:32.120
<v Speaker 2>that vicious cycle that you know, both of us saws.

0:14:32.680 --> 0:14:34.960
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I think it's it's very inspiring.

0:14:35.200 --> 0:14:37.560
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I don't think I want to bring a kid

0:14:37.560 --> 0:14:40.800
<v Speaker 2>into the world if I haven't dealt with Yeah, that's right.

0:14:40.920 --> 0:14:45.760
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I want to get like a little bit a

0:14:45.800 --> 0:14:51.040
<v Speaker 1>personal I feel like this like bit of weight on

0:14:51.080 --> 0:14:54.120
<v Speaker 1>my chest right now. But I'm just going to you

0:14:54.160 --> 0:14:56.520
<v Speaker 1>know this this as I guess. So why we started

0:14:56.520 --> 0:15:01.640
<v Speaker 1>the podcast is to share our experiences, and this episode

0:15:01.640 --> 0:15:06.520
<v Speaker 1>particularly is I didn't think it'd like really upset me,

0:15:06.640 --> 0:15:10.120
<v Speaker 1>but and I think having these conversations just really help

0:15:12.400 --> 0:15:18.240
<v Speaker 1>understand like where I'm at. Yea. So one of the

0:15:18.280 --> 0:15:23.120
<v Speaker 1>things that I have on my app is you know, alcohol, celidocy,

0:15:23.200 --> 0:15:26.960
<v Speaker 1>like sex. I'm like not addicted to sex, but like

0:15:27.320 --> 0:15:31.320
<v Speaker 1>you know, I'm practicing more having more meaningful relationships. So

0:15:31.360 --> 0:15:35.600
<v Speaker 1>that means like you know, removing that and with the

0:15:35.640 --> 0:15:37.280
<v Speaker 1>one of the other things that I have a lot

0:15:37.320 --> 0:15:40.680
<v Speaker 1>of shame around which I'm like dealing with and I'm

0:15:40.320 --> 0:15:49.520
<v Speaker 1>in therapy for is self harm. And I've been eighteen

0:15:49.640 --> 0:15:54.120
<v Speaker 1>days from that and I don't like it's not a

0:15:54.120 --> 0:15:58.240
<v Speaker 1>matter of cutting myself or or you know, I like

0:15:58.280 --> 0:16:04.040
<v Speaker 1>think a lot of people think self harm is hurting yourself.

0:16:04.800 --> 0:16:07.280
<v Speaker 1>It is still hurting yourself, but I have a different

0:16:07.320 --> 0:16:09.960
<v Speaker 1>way of dealing with it. So and I have a

0:16:09.960 --> 0:16:12.720
<v Speaker 1>lot of shame around it, but I'm just gonna like

0:16:13.560 --> 0:16:16.360
<v Speaker 1>talk about it because I think this is really important

0:16:16.400 --> 0:16:20.160
<v Speaker 1>to understand. Is you know, accountability is one thing, but

0:16:21.160 --> 0:16:26.360
<v Speaker 1>hurting and being vulnerable is another thing too. And so

0:16:26.480 --> 0:16:31.720
<v Speaker 1>my way of self harm has been for a very

0:16:31.760 --> 0:16:34.240
<v Speaker 1>long time. And I didn't actually realize it, but was

0:16:34.320 --> 0:16:41.000
<v Speaker 1>punishing myself and starving myself. And I haven't felt like,

0:16:41.360 --> 0:16:44.800
<v Speaker 1>you know, I was just accepting that it was a

0:16:44.920 --> 0:16:47.880
<v Speaker 1>thing that I learned when I was younger. And you know,

0:16:48.000 --> 0:16:51.080
<v Speaker 1>I talk about food a lot in Big Love and

0:16:51.360 --> 0:16:55.760
<v Speaker 1>the deprivation of that and not having that. And I

0:16:55.800 --> 0:16:59.920
<v Speaker 1>didn't realize that I had a real problem until therapy,

0:17:00.240 --> 0:17:05.439
<v Speaker 1>until unpacking that. And you know, I often if I

0:17:05.480 --> 0:17:10.280
<v Speaker 1>feel like I haven't deserved this is so upsetting, by

0:17:10.320 --> 0:17:10.800
<v Speaker 1>the way.

0:17:11.480 --> 0:17:14.879
<v Speaker 2>Take your time, it's fine.

0:17:15.119 --> 0:17:18.600
<v Speaker 1>I just have so much shame around it because I

0:17:18.840 --> 0:17:21.440
<v Speaker 1>was on the opposite side. When you know, people will

0:17:21.680 --> 0:17:26.520
<v Speaker 1>girls or everyone talks about eating disorders, I'm like, oh, well,

0:17:26.560 --> 0:17:29.159
<v Speaker 1>you have a privilege like to have food when you

0:17:29.200 --> 0:17:32.359
<v Speaker 1>were younger, Like, why would you have an eating disorder? Yeah,

0:17:32.760 --> 0:17:36.359
<v Speaker 1>where mine has inherently been developed and I didn't know

0:17:36.400 --> 0:17:38.600
<v Speaker 1>that it was like a Now it's now developed into

0:17:38.680 --> 0:17:41.560
<v Speaker 1>more of a coping mechanism, but now even more of

0:17:41.600 --> 0:17:46.120
<v Speaker 1>a punishment. I know that's so complex and I'm still

0:17:46.200 --> 0:17:51.879
<v Speaker 1>learning time pack it, but yeah, sometimes I will just

0:17:52.400 --> 0:17:57.320
<v Speaker 1>not eat and sounds that sounds so stupid. But for

0:17:57.359 --> 0:18:02.000
<v Speaker 1>a long time I could really hide it because I

0:18:02.040 --> 0:18:05.280
<v Speaker 1>spent a lot of time by myself. I live by myself.

0:18:05.480 --> 0:18:08.080
<v Speaker 1>I could hide it from friends. And the more sad

0:18:08.119 --> 0:18:10.840
<v Speaker 1>I get, the more I isolate myself, and the more

0:18:10.920 --> 0:18:15.280
<v Speaker 1>that I can hide it. And I think in relationships

0:18:16.480 --> 0:18:20.560
<v Speaker 1>it was really kind of hard. But I would often

0:18:21.760 --> 0:18:25.240
<v Speaker 1>just blame that I felt sick and say that I

0:18:25.280 --> 0:18:30.159
<v Speaker 1>felt sick so I wouldn't eat. And so, yeah, I

0:18:30.160 --> 0:18:34.080
<v Speaker 1>mean I'm in recovery, I guess in terms of you know,

0:18:34.200 --> 0:18:36.919
<v Speaker 1>like the whole word of like relapsing and recovery. Like

0:18:37.000 --> 0:18:39.359
<v Speaker 1>that's so scary that tho were those words scare me

0:18:39.440 --> 0:18:41.719
<v Speaker 1>because I think I'm an addict of some sort, but

0:18:41.760 --> 0:18:44.280
<v Speaker 1>I'm not. I'm actually just in pain and I'm just

0:18:44.400 --> 0:18:48.879
<v Speaker 1>hurting and I'm suffering this in silence, and I just

0:18:49.920 --> 0:18:52.080
<v Speaker 1>want people to know that it's not easy and it's

0:18:52.119 --> 0:18:54.560
<v Speaker 1>something that I didn't think that I had and having

0:18:54.600 --> 0:18:57.720
<v Speaker 1>to come to terms with that, feeling like there's something

0:18:57.760 --> 0:19:01.280
<v Speaker 1>wrong with me. It's it's not Oh, I'm not I'm

0:19:01.280 --> 0:19:04.280
<v Speaker 1>not okay right now, I'm feeling a lot of shame

0:19:04.320 --> 0:19:06.639
<v Speaker 1>around it. Yeah, but I know that I'm going to

0:19:06.640 --> 0:19:09.240
<v Speaker 1>get better for it, and I'm keeping myself accountable in

0:19:09.280 --> 0:19:12.120
<v Speaker 1>a way that is going to help me and become

0:19:12.359 --> 0:19:15.600
<v Speaker 1>better and to stop punishing myself.

0:19:15.960 --> 0:19:19.119
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and you know what, being able to share this

0:19:19.200 --> 0:19:20.400
<v Speaker 2>and be so open.

0:19:20.440 --> 0:19:25.120
<v Speaker 1>Like shaking right now, Like I'm just I've never really

0:19:25.160 --> 0:19:27.040
<v Speaker 1>even said that out loud, because.

0:19:27.200 --> 0:19:29.520
<v Speaker 2>I feel really proud of you for sharing this, Like

0:19:30.000 --> 0:19:33.399
<v Speaker 2>I know that it's really something that's really deep for

0:19:33.440 --> 0:19:39.360
<v Speaker 2>your you and your life, you know. Yeah, I want

0:19:39.400 --> 0:19:41.119
<v Speaker 2>you to know that you know you are loved and

0:19:41.520 --> 0:19:44.760
<v Speaker 2>that this, you know, obviously is something that you have

0:19:44.880 --> 0:19:48.320
<v Speaker 2>been going through alone. But being able to share this

0:19:48.560 --> 0:19:52.280
<v Speaker 2>obviously is you know, going to help so many people.

0:19:54.040 --> 0:19:57.240
<v Speaker 1>I just felt like so stupid because like I'm like

0:19:57.359 --> 0:20:00.000
<v Speaker 1>I look healthy and like I look like I'm well,

0:20:00.200 --> 0:20:02.280
<v Speaker 1>and I'm you know, I preached like taking care of

0:20:02.320 --> 0:20:06.159
<v Speaker 1>yourself and like self love and all these things, and

0:20:06.200 --> 0:20:09.440
<v Speaker 1>I didn't actually realize that I was actually like punishing myself,

0:20:09.480 --> 0:20:11.880
<v Speaker 1>Like I just thought it was just something I inherited

0:20:11.920 --> 0:20:13.920
<v Speaker 1>when I was younger, like, oh, that.

0:20:14.000 --> 0:20:16.000
<v Speaker 2>Was just because of your life when you were young, you.

0:20:16.040 --> 0:20:19.040
<v Speaker 1>St do it. And then I just realized that it's

0:20:19.040 --> 0:20:23.080
<v Speaker 1>a self it's a it's a it's self harm, like

0:20:23.200 --> 0:20:27.280
<v Speaker 1>I'm doing it to hurt myself, to make my I

0:20:27.280 --> 0:20:29.920
<v Speaker 1>don't feel better for it, and I feel worse if anything,

0:20:30.000 --> 0:20:34.119
<v Speaker 1>like who doesn't want to not eat? Like But because

0:20:34.160 --> 0:20:37.200
<v Speaker 1>I looked all well on the outside, I was like, oh, well,

0:20:37.200 --> 0:20:39.240
<v Speaker 1>like no one's gonna notice, like who cares.

0:20:39.960 --> 0:20:40.440
<v Speaker 2>I just.

0:20:42.320 --> 0:20:45.960
<v Speaker 1>I just realized, yeah, it's not yeah, And I guess

0:20:46.040 --> 0:20:50.080
<v Speaker 1>that's also why I downloaded this app, was to, I guess,

0:20:50.200 --> 0:20:53.159
<v Speaker 1>keep myself accountable. And the days that you know, that

0:20:53.200 --> 0:20:55.560
<v Speaker 1>app goes up and the numbers go up, it means

0:20:55.600 --> 0:20:59.480
<v Speaker 1>that I've eaten for every single day, for eighteen days,

0:21:00.119 --> 0:21:02.800
<v Speaker 1>every single day, I've had a meal or I've had

0:21:02.920 --> 0:21:08.720
<v Speaker 1>food or I've had something, and I'm not hiding it

0:21:10.280 --> 0:21:15.120
<v Speaker 1>from myself or from anyone like people see me eat,

0:21:15.240 --> 0:21:17.760
<v Speaker 1>I'm not you know, I'm not ashamed to show people

0:21:17.840 --> 0:21:19.560
<v Speaker 1>that I'm eating, and I'm like, yeah, I eat, But

0:21:20.000 --> 0:21:22.200
<v Speaker 1>it's the days when I'm by myself that I'm like, oh,

0:21:22.280 --> 0:21:24.800
<v Speaker 1>well I ate so much yesterday, Like I won't eat today.

0:21:25.440 --> 0:21:29.280
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. Do you feel like, you know, you speak, you

0:21:29.320 --> 0:21:33.040
<v Speaker 2>write so much about your childhood and feeling that sense

0:21:33.080 --> 0:21:37.840
<v Speaker 2>of hunger when you're a kid, that that trauma is

0:21:39.640 --> 0:21:40.879
<v Speaker 2>what's driving this.

0:21:41.880 --> 0:21:50.040
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I think it's something. There's so there's such a

0:21:50.040 --> 0:21:57.560
<v Speaker 1>complex part of my journey with this, and it comes

0:21:57.560 --> 0:22:01.080
<v Speaker 1>in different sort of ways. Is that one there was

0:22:01.119 --> 0:22:04.440
<v Speaker 1>no food in the fridge or cupboard that we could eat,

0:22:04.480 --> 0:22:06.719
<v Speaker 1>and it was a bit of a survival mentality of

0:22:07.560 --> 0:22:09.639
<v Speaker 1>you know, and sometimes I wouldn't eat so that my

0:22:09.680 --> 0:22:15.920
<v Speaker 1>siblings could eat, so that you know, was inherited kind

0:22:15.960 --> 0:22:18.000
<v Speaker 1>of thing over the years. And then when I got

0:22:18.040 --> 0:22:21.760
<v Speaker 1>to living with my dad and my stepmom, and you know,

0:22:21.840 --> 0:22:25.679
<v Speaker 1>I was very nourished, and you know, I had a

0:22:25.680 --> 0:22:28.960
<v Speaker 1>lot of health problems, and I was also iron deficient,

0:22:29.040 --> 0:22:30.600
<v Speaker 1>so I have to eat meat and I don't really

0:22:30.720 --> 0:22:34.080
<v Speaker 1>enjoy red meat, but I eat it just to get

0:22:34.160 --> 0:22:38.880
<v Speaker 1>iron in. It just always felt like such a slog

0:22:38.960 --> 0:22:42.480
<v Speaker 1>and I in a way. And then my parents, my

0:22:42.840 --> 0:22:46.560
<v Speaker 1>stepmom and my dad, you know, they were also very

0:22:46.640 --> 0:22:50.560
<v Speaker 1>sort of lowsos economic and my stepmom would also make

0:22:50.560 --> 0:22:55.040
<v Speaker 1>me feel bad for her having to buy red meat

0:22:55.440 --> 0:22:59.120
<v Speaker 1>in order for me to eat. And so I was like, well,

0:22:59.280 --> 0:23:01.880
<v Speaker 1>then I don't worry about like I'm fine, like I'll

0:23:01.920 --> 0:23:04.879
<v Speaker 1>just eat whatever everyone else is eating. And I was

0:23:04.920 --> 0:23:07.760
<v Speaker 1>meant to mate. I was made to feel bad for that,

0:23:08.960 --> 0:23:12.159
<v Speaker 1>and then I would. I also felt a lot of

0:23:12.160 --> 0:23:15.320
<v Speaker 1>shame around my lunches. My lunches were always like, you know,

0:23:15.440 --> 0:23:19.120
<v Speaker 1>a very stale vegimite sandwich, and all my friends were

0:23:19.119 --> 0:23:21.479
<v Speaker 1>having these like really gourmet like ham and cheese and

0:23:21.520 --> 0:23:25.960
<v Speaker 1>like ntella, and I felt kind of shameful around my lunches.

0:23:26.040 --> 0:23:30.160
<v Speaker 1>So then I would go hide in school with teachers

0:23:30.200 --> 0:23:34.879
<v Speaker 1>and not eat during the whole day, and then go

0:23:34.920 --> 0:23:38.640
<v Speaker 1>to follow the dream and then eat there. So as

0:23:38.680 --> 0:23:43.400
<v Speaker 1>you can imagine this cycle of like with food and

0:23:43.480 --> 0:23:45.200
<v Speaker 1>you know, having all these other things that I'm dealing

0:23:45.280 --> 0:23:47.320
<v Speaker 1>with as well, Like I didn't realize it was like

0:23:47.359 --> 0:23:50.720
<v Speaker 1>such a problem until I actually like isolated that particular

0:23:50.760 --> 0:23:52.840
<v Speaker 1>issue and looked at it from like a bird's eye

0:23:52.920 --> 0:23:55.720
<v Speaker 1>view and was like, oh, like this is probably why,

0:23:55.800 --> 0:23:59.199
<v Speaker 1>and it just made so much sense to why. I

0:23:59.359 --> 0:24:02.040
<v Speaker 1>kind of con punish myself for it all the time

0:24:03.600 --> 0:24:08.960
<v Speaker 1>because I felt a lot of shame around it, and

0:24:09.000 --> 0:24:11.800
<v Speaker 1>then you know, I felt like I did never never

0:24:11.840 --> 0:24:13.920
<v Speaker 1>wanted to play into this like I have an eating

0:24:13.960 --> 0:24:17.920
<v Speaker 1>disorder or I'm in recovery for an eating disorder disorder

0:24:18.000 --> 0:24:20.879
<v Speaker 1>or anything like, but I definitely have like inherently like

0:24:20.960 --> 0:24:27.359
<v Speaker 1>disordered eating, which is an eating disorder, like and so

0:24:27.600 --> 0:24:29.960
<v Speaker 1>coming to terms with that and then being like, well, no,

0:24:30.080 --> 0:24:35.439
<v Speaker 1>like I have money, I can buy food, so therefore

0:24:35.440 --> 0:24:37.679
<v Speaker 1>I have a privilege so I can eat, you know,

0:24:37.960 --> 0:24:43.600
<v Speaker 1>like yeah, I mean I'm not a binge eater per se.

0:24:43.760 --> 0:24:46.640
<v Speaker 1>Like there is BED which is binge eating disorder. I

0:24:48.440 --> 0:24:54.720
<v Speaker 1>my disordered eating is more of a control thing. And

0:24:55.240 --> 0:25:00.040
<v Speaker 1>obviously the binge eating is a type of control. And

0:25:00.080 --> 0:25:02.400
<v Speaker 1>when you talk about control, and I guess you talk

0:25:02.400 --> 0:25:06.280
<v Speaker 1>about your sobriety, and it's to sort of remain that

0:25:06.359 --> 0:25:11.480
<v Speaker 1>control you're remaining I guess you're keeping that control because

0:25:11.520 --> 0:25:14.840
<v Speaker 1>you know the effects of like you know, if you

0:25:14.920 --> 0:25:18.239
<v Speaker 1>do relapse, per se. I don't like that. But like

0:25:18.280 --> 0:25:23.520
<v Speaker 1>in quotation relapse. Mine is just like the control is

0:25:23.560 --> 0:25:28.359
<v Speaker 1>to it does come from a matter of things. It's

0:25:28.440 --> 0:25:32.760
<v Speaker 1>my weight, it's to punish myself. It's too it's also

0:25:32.880 --> 0:25:35.520
<v Speaker 1>like inherently like a habit of mine, which is not

0:25:35.560 --> 0:25:39.760
<v Speaker 1>a very good habit. And then even when I'm even

0:25:39.800 --> 0:25:41.880
<v Speaker 1>like when I'm more anxious or around, I'm really more

0:25:41.960 --> 0:25:46.760
<v Speaker 1>sad and stressed, I don't eat. So it's just like

0:25:47.000 --> 0:25:49.040
<v Speaker 1>having to come to terms with all of those things.

0:25:49.080 --> 0:25:52.280
<v Speaker 1>And I didn't realize it was like such a problem

0:25:52.359 --> 0:25:55.400
<v Speaker 1>until I really kind of nutted it out and sat

0:25:55.440 --> 0:25:58.159
<v Speaker 1>with my you know, in therapy, and I am so

0:25:58.240 --> 0:26:01.359
<v Speaker 1>grateful for therapy. I'm up to my therapy because you know,

0:26:01.400 --> 0:26:05.720
<v Speaker 1>I have to do more intensive, more intensive therapy with this, yeah,

0:26:07.000 --> 0:26:10.560
<v Speaker 1>every week, and we're sort of unpacking that. And then

0:26:11.119 --> 0:26:16.240
<v Speaker 1>it's about not feeling that shame, but not feeling like

0:26:17.880 --> 0:26:21.480
<v Speaker 1>to continue not trying to control and to punish myself.

0:26:21.520 --> 0:26:22.800
<v Speaker 1>If that mixed sense, Yeah, I don't.

0:26:23.000 --> 0:26:26.520
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, is this like eighteen days for you? Is that

0:26:27.680 --> 0:26:32.120
<v Speaker 2>you know the longest time you've sort of been having

0:26:32.119 --> 0:26:33.840
<v Speaker 2>this happ and seeing that eighteen days, is that the

0:26:33.840 --> 0:26:36.840
<v Speaker 2>longest time you've sort of been able to I suppose

0:26:37.240 --> 0:26:40.440
<v Speaker 2>go without punishing yourself in a long time.

0:26:42.280 --> 0:26:48.600
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, like, yeah, sometimes I would even blame that if

0:26:48.640 --> 0:26:51.879
<v Speaker 1>I didn't eat, I'm like, oh, it's a fast But

0:26:52.160 --> 0:26:55.200
<v Speaker 1>when I look at the how I think about it,

0:26:55.200 --> 0:26:57.960
<v Speaker 1>being able to hide it and to mask it, and.

0:26:57.880 --> 0:27:00.320
<v Speaker 2>I think, justify it to yourself, I suppose.

0:27:00.119 --> 0:27:04.200
<v Speaker 1>Exactly, And that's kind of what an addiction is as well,

0:27:04.240 --> 0:27:08.000
<v Speaker 1>and in some way is kind of validating it and

0:27:08.040 --> 0:27:10.240
<v Speaker 1>being like, oh, like this is what I just do,

0:27:10.400 --> 0:27:15.040
<v Speaker 1>you know, and masking that and yeah, there were so

0:27:15.080 --> 0:27:18.760
<v Speaker 1>many different ways that I've masked this to prove that

0:27:18.840 --> 0:27:22.960
<v Speaker 1>it's okay, and it's actually like no. And then I

0:27:23.119 --> 0:27:28.320
<v Speaker 1>sort of realized when it's more harmful to me is

0:27:28.400 --> 0:27:34.199
<v Speaker 1>when yeah, like I just look like nearly faint, like

0:27:34.840 --> 0:27:38.200
<v Speaker 1>my bloodship my like blood pressure drops and I'm nearly

0:27:38.240 --> 0:27:41.439
<v Speaker 1>literally passing out and I'm just having to still function

0:27:41.520 --> 0:27:45.320
<v Speaker 1>and do a day's work living off you know. When

0:27:45.480 --> 0:27:47.320
<v Speaker 1>That's why I sort of gave up caffeine. I was

0:27:47.359 --> 0:27:49.920
<v Speaker 1>living off caffeine in the morning. That was my first

0:27:50.000 --> 0:27:52.400
<v Speaker 1>drink in the morning, which is so bad for your

0:27:53.119 --> 0:27:55.080
<v Speaker 1>But this is the thing that's so bad for a

0:27:55.160 --> 0:27:59.800
<v Speaker 1>digestive system to have that so like straight away, and

0:27:59.880 --> 0:28:03.040
<v Speaker 1>I know that that's bad, but I don't see like

0:28:03.119 --> 0:28:07.280
<v Speaker 1>not eating bad and I think that's the problem. Well,

0:28:07.560 --> 0:28:09.960
<v Speaker 1>it's not a problem. It's just something that I'm working through.

0:28:10.400 --> 0:28:15.560
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. Well, like I mean, it's just like to be like, no,

0:28:15.640 --> 0:28:19.840
<v Speaker 2>please don't apologize. I mean, it's beautiful to see like that.

0:28:19.960 --> 0:28:23.600
<v Speaker 2>You you know, you've come to the realization and you're

0:28:23.640 --> 0:28:27.520
<v Speaker 2>doing the work. And it's obviously like a long term thing, right,

0:28:27.560 --> 0:28:29.919
<v Speaker 2>it's a long term commitment for you because it's so

0:28:30.200 --> 0:28:34.120
<v Speaker 2>ingrained in who you are. But it's beautiful to see

0:28:34.119 --> 0:28:36.800
<v Speaker 2>that you're doing the work. And I feel like for

0:28:36.880 --> 0:28:39.600
<v Speaker 2>you to be able to identify the issue, like that's

0:28:39.600 --> 0:28:42.160
<v Speaker 2>a massive thing, like people probably don't get there for

0:28:42.200 --> 0:28:42.960
<v Speaker 2>a very long time.

0:28:43.040 --> 0:28:48.760
<v Speaker 1>You know. I just haven't openly talked about it because

0:28:48.800 --> 0:28:54.160
<v Speaker 1>of that shame and you know, stupidly, like I hide

0:28:54.160 --> 0:28:55.280
<v Speaker 1>it so well.

0:28:56.520 --> 0:28:58.440
<v Speaker 2>Because I'll hide, you know, the things that we don't

0:28:58.480 --> 0:28:59.120
<v Speaker 2>want the world.

0:28:58.960 --> 0:29:03.440
<v Speaker 1>To see exactly. And I think I just I'm ready

0:29:03.440 --> 0:29:07.000
<v Speaker 1>to sort of shed that shame and not have to

0:29:07.040 --> 0:29:09.920
<v Speaker 1>live with it because you know, as we're talking about control,

0:29:10.160 --> 0:29:11.800
<v Speaker 1>I was thinking about the things that I control, and

0:29:11.840 --> 0:29:14.640
<v Speaker 1>I control a lot of things to hide them, and

0:29:15.400 --> 0:29:18.239
<v Speaker 1>I'm just trying to not feel so ashamed about it

0:29:18.240 --> 0:29:22.760
<v Speaker 1>because you carry that weight and you, honestly it weighs

0:29:22.760 --> 0:29:25.760
<v Speaker 1>you down. And you come in here and you talk

0:29:25.800 --> 0:29:30.560
<v Speaker 1>about being proud for Pride Month and then you're like, oh, well, actually, no,

0:29:31.320 --> 0:29:35.080
<v Speaker 1>I'm not proud of this, and you realize how many

0:29:35.120 --> 0:29:40.560
<v Speaker 1>things do weigh you down. And I'm just going to

0:29:40.600 --> 0:29:44.640
<v Speaker 1>be like fucking raw and like honest with it because.

0:29:44.720 --> 0:29:48.400
<v Speaker 2>I'm so happy that you are. You know, because I've

0:29:48.440 --> 0:29:51.920
<v Speaker 2>noticed that lately about myself. The more authentic I can be,

0:29:52.000 --> 0:29:55.520
<v Speaker 2>the more open, the more vulnerable, and show people, you know,

0:29:55.680 --> 0:29:58.560
<v Speaker 2>the good, the bad, the ugly, the struggles that wins,

0:29:58.680 --> 0:30:01.680
<v Speaker 2>the challenges, all of the facets of what makes life

0:30:01.720 --> 0:30:05.000
<v Speaker 2>so interesting. Being able to actually show all of it

0:30:05.080 --> 0:30:07.680
<v Speaker 2>and not pick and choose just to show the shiny

0:30:07.720 --> 0:30:11.240
<v Speaker 2>parts has been so freeing to me. So I hope that,

0:30:11.360 --> 0:30:14.200
<v Speaker 2>like you feel after today, being able to share this

0:30:14.400 --> 0:30:17.000
<v Speaker 2>like that there's a sense of relief for you because

0:30:17.680 --> 0:30:19.840
<v Speaker 2>you deserve that relief. This isn't something that you should

0:30:19.840 --> 0:30:20.960
<v Speaker 2>have to go through by yourself.

0:30:21.400 --> 0:30:25.000
<v Speaker 1>Thank you. I have been isolating myself with this particular

0:30:25.080 --> 0:30:29.239
<v Speaker 1>issue because I didn't want it to feel like I

0:30:29.400 --> 0:30:34.000
<v Speaker 1>was some This is my own like projection of myself,

0:30:34.040 --> 0:30:36.440
<v Speaker 1>which is really negative. But I'm working on that as

0:30:36.440 --> 0:30:41.560
<v Speaker 1>well as to have more positive self talk. And I think,

0:30:41.680 --> 0:30:44.840
<v Speaker 1>you know, I'm realizing that I never felt like I

0:30:44.960 --> 0:30:47.440
<v Speaker 1>was enough in a lot of ways, and so I'm

0:30:47.520 --> 0:30:51.160
<v Speaker 1>just constantly telling myself, like, I am enough, and you know,

0:30:51.200 --> 0:30:53.560
<v Speaker 1>I am emotional, and you just own that and you

0:30:53.680 --> 0:30:57.400
<v Speaker 1>just take that and you just accept that about yourself

0:30:57.440 --> 0:30:59.680
<v Speaker 1>because I think, you know, for a long time, I

0:30:59.760 --> 0:31:02.000
<v Speaker 1>was always there for other people and I was always

0:31:02.000 --> 0:31:04.160
<v Speaker 1>showing up for other people. But right now, in this

0:31:04.280 --> 0:31:06.959
<v Speaker 1>moment and the last you know, a few years, I

0:31:07.000 --> 0:31:09.920
<v Speaker 1>haven't really shown up for myself. And I think that's

0:31:09.960 --> 0:31:12.760
<v Speaker 1>what therapy has taught me, is that in order again

0:31:12.880 --> 0:31:15.640
<v Speaker 1>to love other people and to be there for other people,

0:31:15.640 --> 0:31:17.960
<v Speaker 1>we have to be there for yourself. And I always

0:31:17.960 --> 0:31:20.240
<v Speaker 1>preach that, but I never really felt that. And so

0:31:21.440 --> 0:31:24.480
<v Speaker 1>unpacking all of these, you know, things that I never

0:31:24.520 --> 0:31:27.520
<v Speaker 1>thought I had a problem with is hard. It is raw,

0:31:27.600 --> 0:31:30.600
<v Speaker 1>and it's fucking you're in the trenches and you're in

0:31:30.600 --> 0:31:33.080
<v Speaker 1>the mud pit of it all. But I know that

0:31:33.200 --> 0:31:35.640
<v Speaker 1>it's going to clear out and I'm gonna, you know,

0:31:35.680 --> 0:31:38.480
<v Speaker 1>feel much better for it. And I think everyone just

0:31:38.520 --> 0:31:41.400
<v Speaker 1>kind of pictures that I would have this very fucking

0:31:41.480 --> 0:31:44.160
<v Speaker 1>glamorous life and I'm like, well, no, I still have

0:31:44.240 --> 0:31:47.160
<v Speaker 1>my fucking struggles too, you know, Like yeah, just because

0:31:47.160 --> 0:31:48.920
<v Speaker 1>I fucking wrote a book about it, and I'm like, oh,

0:31:48.960 --> 0:31:51.040
<v Speaker 1>I'm so cathartic, it doesn't mean that I have to

0:31:51.080 --> 0:31:54.640
<v Speaker 1>not deal with any of that stuff still to this day. Like,

0:31:55.440 --> 0:31:58.560
<v Speaker 1>you know, we we hold a lot of shame in

0:31:58.600 --> 0:32:01.040
<v Speaker 1>our communities, and I'm fucking sick of it. Like I'm

0:32:01.080 --> 0:32:04.239
<v Speaker 1>sick of us having to like carry out this this

0:32:04.920 --> 0:32:08.600
<v Speaker 1>carry this weight of all of this stuff. Like when

0:32:08.920 --> 0:32:11.560
<v Speaker 1>do you shed that? Like when you know and you

0:32:11.560 --> 0:32:13.520
<v Speaker 1>you can't just wake up one day and it all

0:32:13.520 --> 0:32:15.520
<v Speaker 1>be gone. You've got to put in the work. You've

0:32:15.560 --> 0:32:18.280
<v Speaker 1>got to keep it, you know, keep yourself accountable, and

0:32:18.400 --> 0:32:22.600
<v Speaker 1>you've got to be raw and honor that as well,

0:32:22.800 --> 0:32:26.479
<v Speaker 1>like take the time to do it, but honor that

0:32:26.520 --> 0:32:28.960
<v Speaker 1>time and honor that journey of doing it, because it's

0:32:29.000 --> 0:32:31.680
<v Speaker 1>fucking messy. Yeah, but you can't just hope that it's

0:32:31.680 --> 0:32:34.480
<v Speaker 1>going to change overnight, like it's really not. And that's

0:32:34.520 --> 0:32:37.360
<v Speaker 1>what I'm learning is that I'm usually one to be like, Okay,

0:32:37.360 --> 0:32:40.400
<v Speaker 1>I'm fixed now, but I'm like, I'm like, no, this

0:32:40.480 --> 0:32:43.800
<v Speaker 1>is so much harder when I tell you it's so

0:32:43.960 --> 0:32:47.680
<v Speaker 1>fucking expensive too. Like the fact that you know, mental

0:32:47.720 --> 0:32:50.680
<v Speaker 1>health is like one of our huges living the things

0:32:50.680 --> 0:32:52.960
<v Speaker 1>that we live with, and we're in such a crisis

0:32:53.000 --> 0:32:55.120
<v Speaker 1>with that. It's just like goes to show like how

0:32:55.160 --> 0:32:57.520
<v Speaker 1>much more people need help with this sort of things,

0:32:58.280 --> 0:33:01.800
<v Speaker 1>and that it's so complex to the individual and we're

0:33:01.840 --> 0:33:07.000
<v Speaker 1>all on a fucking journey, but we're not like seeing

0:33:07.120 --> 0:33:12.480
<v Speaker 1>or feeling heard or having resources to even feel that

0:33:12.560 --> 0:33:16.040
<v Speaker 1>as well, Like, yeah, we lack that in Australia, like

0:33:16.280 --> 0:33:18.760
<v Speaker 1>well in any country to be fair, what the fuck

0:33:18.840 --> 0:33:21.400
<v Speaker 1>is going on with the world? Yeah, And you know

0:33:21.440 --> 0:33:23.920
<v Speaker 1>you don't want to be like, oh, really sad because

0:33:23.960 --> 0:33:26.360
<v Speaker 1>I'm not eating and then just people fucking ying dying

0:33:26.360 --> 0:33:29.320
<v Speaker 1>in Gaza and you're like, oh, like but no, like

0:33:29.440 --> 0:33:30.560
<v Speaker 1>that's what you can't do.

0:33:30.960 --> 0:33:33.440
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, you can't think like that your your problems or

0:33:33.440 --> 0:33:36.440
<v Speaker 2>your problems and perspective, yes, is something, but when it

0:33:36.440 --> 0:33:38.640
<v Speaker 2>comes to your own day to day life and how

0:33:38.680 --> 0:33:42.280
<v Speaker 2>you feel and how you live and the challenges of

0:33:42.360 --> 0:33:46.040
<v Speaker 2>us you don't need to say that they're not a

0:33:46.120 --> 0:33:49.400
<v Speaker 2>challenge because they don't trump someone else's challenge, you know. Yeah,

0:33:49.400 --> 0:33:51.920
<v Speaker 2>I think that we all face our own hurdles and

0:33:52.000 --> 0:33:55.760
<v Speaker 2>challenges and they're unique to us and they're important to us.

0:33:55.960 --> 0:33:59.360
<v Speaker 2>So but yeah, thank you so much for sharing. Like

0:33:59.440 --> 0:34:02.600
<v Speaker 2>I feel people who are listening to this hearing that

0:34:02.600 --> 0:34:04.400
<v Speaker 2>that's going to really help people feel less.

0:34:04.240 --> 0:34:09.319
<v Speaker 1>Alone, I hope. So, I mean, whatever your situation is,

0:34:09.360 --> 0:34:13.360
<v Speaker 1>and whatever your scenario is, like you know, whether it's

0:34:14.000 --> 0:34:18.320
<v Speaker 1>beating you know, or having you know, challenging sobriety and

0:34:18.840 --> 0:34:25.560
<v Speaker 1>or overcoming that or or addiction or just you know,

0:34:26.560 --> 0:34:29.719
<v Speaker 1>being vulnerable with your feelings. Like, I just think it's

0:34:29.760 --> 0:34:31.560
<v Speaker 1>such we don't we don't have that much time on

0:34:31.600 --> 0:34:35.560
<v Speaker 1>this earth as it is. Why why yeah, why spend

0:34:35.600 --> 0:34:39.080
<v Speaker 1>it time carrying this weight or this load every day

0:34:39.200 --> 0:34:43.399
<v Speaker 1>when yeah, I mean I'm still in the trenches right now.

0:34:43.520 --> 0:34:45.799
<v Speaker 1>I'm going to acknowledge like that that's where I am.

0:34:45.960 --> 0:34:47.759
<v Speaker 1>You know. Obviously I can come into work and I

0:34:47.760 --> 0:34:49.799
<v Speaker 1>can put my mask on and do whatever I need

0:34:49.840 --> 0:34:52.960
<v Speaker 1>to do and you know, be happy brook and you know,

0:34:53.000 --> 0:34:55.880
<v Speaker 1>go to school and you know, perform and be active

0:34:55.960 --> 0:34:59.800
<v Speaker 1>and but that's this is the thing that I'm carrying

0:35:01.640 --> 0:35:05.760
<v Speaker 1>shame around at the moment, and you know, I'm working

0:35:05.800 --> 0:35:08.160
<v Speaker 1>through it, but I know that I will get through it.

0:35:08.280 --> 0:35:09.759
<v Speaker 1>And I think that's the thing is that you have

0:35:09.840 --> 0:35:13.200
<v Speaker 1>to be really quite hopeful and just appreciate the journey

0:35:13.200 --> 0:35:18.600
<v Speaker 1>that you're on and be patient with yourself. I might relapse,

0:35:18.680 --> 0:35:21.759
<v Speaker 1>but I know that I can you know, start again

0:35:21.800 --> 0:35:23.160
<v Speaker 1>and I can beat this.

0:35:23.600 --> 0:35:25.960
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. And the thing is we are both up against

0:35:26.040 --> 0:35:31.000
<v Speaker 2>things that are really a part of our lineage personal

0:35:31.160 --> 0:35:33.239
<v Speaker 2>to us. Yeah, I have been you know handed down

0:35:33.280 --> 0:35:35.720
<v Speaker 2>to us. There traumas that you know we face because

0:35:35.760 --> 0:35:38.960
<v Speaker 2>of our you know, really tough childhood, you know, alcoholism

0:35:38.960 --> 0:35:41.640
<v Speaker 2>in my family, both sides. And know that it's a

0:35:41.680 --> 0:35:43.759
<v Speaker 2>really big obstacle for me, and I need to get

0:35:43.800 --> 0:35:46.000
<v Speaker 2>through it and work towards it, you know, one brick

0:35:46.080 --> 0:35:48.440
<v Speaker 2>at a time, but hopefully build that wall up where

0:35:48.480 --> 0:35:50.879
<v Speaker 2>I don't need that anymore and don't look for it.

0:35:51.520 --> 0:35:53.640
<v Speaker 2>But with you, you know, this is obviously an experience

0:35:53.640 --> 0:35:55.279
<v Speaker 2>that you had as a kid that has stuck with

0:35:55.320 --> 0:35:59.359
<v Speaker 2>you and it's it's you know, it's intergenerational. So it's

0:35:59.440 --> 0:36:02.480
<v Speaker 2>like we're working on breaking that cycle. So our kids

0:36:02.480 --> 0:36:04.719
<v Speaker 2>don't have to deal with it exactly. Yeah, and I

0:36:04.760 --> 0:36:08.799
<v Speaker 2>love that. That's takes a champion. So that's how I say, Yes,

0:36:09.120 --> 0:36:10.680
<v Speaker 2>you're a champion and you're going to get through this.

0:36:10.960 --> 0:36:14.640
<v Speaker 1>Thank you. I think the best thing that I've I'm

0:36:14.680 --> 0:36:19.680
<v Speaker 1>trying to like practice is just telling myself that you

0:36:19.760 --> 0:36:24.960
<v Speaker 1>are enough, and I think that about you, like, you know,

0:36:25.560 --> 0:36:27.600
<v Speaker 1>we want to work towards to clear all this shit,

0:36:27.760 --> 0:36:31.399
<v Speaker 1>to inherit, you know, make out hopefully our children are

0:36:31.440 --> 0:36:37.200
<v Speaker 1>brought up in a much healthier, healed way, but also

0:36:37.280 --> 0:36:39.520
<v Speaker 1>to acknowledge that you know, you are enough as you are,

0:36:39.600 --> 0:36:42.439
<v Speaker 1>and you know, if you do have children, like, they're

0:36:42.440 --> 0:36:44.719
<v Speaker 1>going to love your regardless and yeah.

0:36:45.040 --> 0:36:48.680
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and life is good because of the good and

0:36:48.760 --> 0:36:49.120
<v Speaker 2>the bad.

0:36:49.400 --> 0:36:52.839
<v Speaker 1>Yeah exactly. It really is sh it to appreciate the good.

0:36:52.960 --> 0:36:55.880
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, contrast is everything. And if we didn't have the challenges,

0:36:55.920 --> 0:36:59.840
<v Speaker 2>we wouldn't be resilient and strong people. So, you know what,

0:37:00.680 --> 0:37:03.080
<v Speaker 2>we are strong enough to get through the challenges. That's

0:37:03.120 --> 0:37:06.879
<v Speaker 2>why we've been given them. Exactly. We'll keep on keep

0:37:06.880 --> 0:37:09.200
<v Speaker 2>on tracking along and keep on being accountable to ourselves

0:37:09.239 --> 0:37:10.680
<v Speaker 2>and check.

0:37:11.560 --> 0:37:15.560
<v Speaker 1>Life is goodner, life is sometimes you know what, but

0:37:16.520 --> 0:37:24.000
<v Speaker 1>just like you just flushing in the next yeahs strong, Yes,

0:37:24.080 --> 0:37:24.480
<v Speaker 1>thank you.

0:37:24.480 --> 0:37:27.320
<v Speaker 2>So much, No, thank you, thank you for being so vulnerable.

0:37:27.480 --> 0:37:30.200
<v Speaker 1>I guess just thank you so much for listening and

0:37:30.239 --> 0:37:34.360
<v Speaker 1>being on this journey with our podcast or even just

0:37:34.640 --> 0:37:39.120
<v Speaker 1>us and our journeys together. I think, you know, I

0:37:39.160 --> 0:37:41.600
<v Speaker 1>think the best thing that we show and represent is

0:37:41.960 --> 0:37:46.879
<v Speaker 1>also just a very stable friendship that we can rely

0:37:46.960 --> 0:37:49.040
<v Speaker 1>on one another and hold that space. And I think

0:37:49.480 --> 0:37:51.399
<v Speaker 1>if you are a listener and you do feel that

0:37:51.520 --> 0:37:54.480
<v Speaker 1>and or you haven't got someone that you feel like

0:37:54.520 --> 0:37:57.120
<v Speaker 1>you can go to, just know that you can reach

0:37:57.160 --> 0:38:02.120
<v Speaker 1>out to us as well. And you know there's so

0:38:02.280 --> 0:38:05.520
<v Speaker 1>much you know, there's so many resources and help out

0:38:05.520 --> 0:38:08.160
<v Speaker 1>there as well. So if I've said anything that has

0:38:08.280 --> 0:38:10.680
<v Speaker 1>like triggered or you know, made you feel like a

0:38:10.719 --> 0:38:13.840
<v Speaker 1>certain way, yeah, we can put some resources in the

0:38:13.880 --> 0:38:14.839
<v Speaker 1>show notes for you.

0:38:15.040 --> 0:38:18.919
<v Speaker 2>But yeah, and if you you know, are facing difficulties

0:38:19.040 --> 0:38:20.480
<v Speaker 2>or want to speak to someone, you can reach out

0:38:20.520 --> 0:38:23.200
<v Speaker 2>to Lifeline at thirteen eleven fourteen, or you can chat

0:38:23.239 --> 0:38:27.839
<v Speaker 2>to mob specific you know, workers at one three yarn. Yeah,

0:38:28.160 --> 0:38:30.120
<v Speaker 2>that's a really good hotline that you can call if

0:38:30.160 --> 0:38:32.719
<v Speaker 2>your mob and you'll be chatting to someone who's from

0:38:32.719 --> 0:38:34.399
<v Speaker 2>the community, who you.

0:38:34.360 --> 0:38:37.200
<v Speaker 1>Know, and there's no shame in that. I mean I

0:38:37.239 --> 0:38:39.239
<v Speaker 1>have called them at times in my life.

0:38:39.320 --> 0:38:41.680
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. Did you know that one three Yarn is actually

0:38:41.719 --> 0:38:42.759
<v Speaker 2>a part of Lifeline?

0:38:43.040 --> 0:38:43.799
<v Speaker 1>Yeah? I did.

0:38:43.840 --> 0:38:46.200
<v Speaker 2>Actually I didn't know that, but I was speaking to

0:38:46.200 --> 0:38:48.640
<v Speaker 2>the CEO of Lifeline and they said, yep, there's you know,

0:38:48.800 --> 0:38:51.520
<v Speaker 2>sixty employees who are mob who sort of run the

0:38:51.520 --> 0:38:54.839
<v Speaker 2>one three Yarn section of Lifeline or by themselves. It's

0:38:54.880 --> 0:38:59.319
<v Speaker 2>very self determined the framework. So yeah, super awesome. So yeah,

0:38:59.320 --> 0:39:01.480
<v Speaker 2>I'll always reached out if you need help. You're never alone.

0:39:01.840 --> 0:39:04.560
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, exactly, all right, and we'll see you next episode.

0:39:04.560 --> 0:39:06.320
<v Speaker 2>Guys, take care of yourself SMO.