Speaker 1: I'd like to begin by acknowledging the traditional custodians of
Speaker 1: country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community.
Speaker 1: We pay our respect to their elders, past, present and emerging,
Speaker 1: and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait
Speaker 1: Islander peoples today. Welcome to Stepping Up the podcast where
Speaker 1: we explore all things organization, mental health, routines, personal development,
Speaker 1: motherhood and health. I'm your host, Steph Pace, and I'm
Speaker 1: the woman behind Just Another Mummy blog and also the
Speaker 1: founder of Steph Pace Planners. But I can assure you
Speaker 1: this is not just another podcast online. I'm known for
Speaker 1: my organization tips and tricks and the occasional banter, but
Speaker 1: it definitely wasn't always this way. I used to be
Speaker 1: a hot mess and occasionally still am. And I'm here
Speaker 1: as your honest and real friend each week to show
Speaker 1: you how I turn my life of chaos into clarity.
Speaker 1: Between the house, health, kids, work, and wanting to be
Speaker 1: the best version of yourself, it can be overwhelming, and
Speaker 1: I'm here to give you the tools and tips to
Speaker 1: stop you feeling like a slave to your daily tasks,
Speaker 1: home life, and especially the expectations you have on yourself.
Speaker 1: Join me as I share my journey and insights into
Speaker 1: the art of balancing at all and speak to guests
Speaker 1: who can help us all live a better life. Whether
Speaker 1: you're looking to streamline your daily routines, boosh your wellbeing,
Speaker 1: achieve your fitness goals, dive into personal development, or find
Speaker 1: inspiration to steff up into the best version of yourself,
Speaker 1: We've got you. So are you ready to steff up
Speaker 1: your game? Let's go. Hello, guys, and welcome to stepping up.
Speaker 1: Today's episode is probably going to trigger you. Trigger is
Speaker 1: the main word in today's episode. But I'm talking about
Speaker 1: this because this is something that I feel like there's
Speaker 1: a huge stigma around, and it's something that parents and
Speaker 1: mothers especially tend to feel really ashamed to talk about.
Speaker 1: And that thing is do your kids trigger you? Now
Speaker 1: you probably hear that and you're like, of course not,
Speaker 1: of course, my kids don't trigger me. But how about
Speaker 1: those times where you know it's the afternoon and no
Speaker 1: one's listening to you, and you're just trying to get
Speaker 1: everyone ready for bed, and there's screaming and they're fighting,
Speaker 1: and there's a million questions being asked you're picking everything
Speaker 1: up off the floor, and then you start to get
Speaker 1: that real tight sensation in your chest, and then your
Speaker 1: heart starts to get really really fast, and then you
Speaker 1: start to have to push down feelings of could be anger, sadness,
Speaker 1: and we don't even like the R word, but resentment,
Speaker 1: and that means you're being triggered. So literally, pretty much
Speaker 1: everyone on the planet gets triggered by things, and I
Speaker 1: think even the word trigger itself. I feel like when
Speaker 1: you're saying, oh, someone triggered me again, there's a stigma
Speaker 1: attached to that that whatever they're doing must be quite bad,
Speaker 1: but obviously it's not. Because anything can trigger people. It
Speaker 1: can be for me. For example, I've talked about this before.
Speaker 1: I've got PTSD with having the blinds shut. If you
Speaker 1: guys don't remember that, when I grew up, like our
Speaker 1: house was just so dark, the blind's always really closed,
Speaker 1: and it was a very welcoming feeling. So when I
Speaker 1: wake up if my blinds aren't all open, I start
Speaker 1: to get that feeling and it's that anxiety and it
Speaker 1: triggers me. And that's okay. I'm very aware of it
Speaker 1: and passed as soon as I open the blinds. I'm
Speaker 1: all good, and that's something obviously I should deal with.
Speaker 1: But that's just an example. It doesn't mean that your
Speaker 1: kids have to be doing something crazy to trigger you.
Speaker 1: And I'm going to give you some examples in today's episode.
Speaker 1: Because even our partners such as Ryan, like my husband Ryan,
Speaker 1: he had great upbringing. He's someone who literally has no
Speaker 1: health problems, no mental health problems. He's just caused a cucumber,
Speaker 1: and even the kids trigger him. And it's just because
Speaker 1: we're humans and that's okay. And I think it's all
Speaker 1: about us just starting this dialogue about how kids can
Speaker 1: make us feel and like challenging our thoughts around that
Speaker 1: and changing how we think about it. So I'm really
Speaker 1: excited today's episode. And actually this morning I went to
Speaker 1: the gym before I dive in. I went to the
Speaker 1: gym this morning and I met these two beautiful ladies
Speaker 1: from my community and the followers, and we got chatting
Speaker 1: and we started saying, how you know, come over, how
Speaker 1: it came about. But we're just saying, how you know,
Speaker 1: with our kids and they're getting older and it can
Speaker 1: be a lot like we're still trying to learn how
Speaker 1: to be adults and we still feel like kids ourselves,
Speaker 1: and it's hard to I guess, learn how to regulate ourselves.
Speaker 1: And it can just feel like a lot. And we're
Speaker 1: saying how you know, especially as they get older. You know,
Speaker 1: little people, little problems, big people, big problems. And that's
Speaker 1: definitely happening now. I'm starting to see more with heart
Speaker 1: By now that she's eight going on bloody eighteen, Lord
Speaker 1: help me. And a lot of the things that are
Speaker 1: coming up, I guess I didn't expect it to come
Speaker 1: up so soon. Like there's you know, there's dramas at school,
Speaker 1: and then there's like talks of you know, friendship groups
Speaker 1: and these are awesome things that I just guess I
Speaker 1: didn't expect to come up this soon. And yeah, it's
Speaker 1: just really interesting how even we're talking to these two
Speaker 1: beautiful ladies this morning, that everyone feels the same way
Speaker 1: in one space for another. If you've got boys, if
Speaker 1: you've got girls, God like, you could literally just have
Speaker 1: a cat. And your cat's probably going to bloody trigger anyway.
Speaker 1: So that's what today's episode is about. And make sure
Speaker 1: you do stay till the end because I'll be giving
Speaker 1: your stephing stone, which is going to be one of
Speaker 1: the keys to help you really overcome these emotions and
Speaker 1: view how you think about all these things and like
Speaker 1: show up as a parent, as a friend, as a sister,
Speaker 1: or whatever in your day to day life. Now, firstly,
Speaker 1: I want to talk about just some examples of how
Speaker 1: you know your kids triggering you can show up in
Speaker 1: day to day life. Again, this is going to look
Speaker 1: really different for everybody, but there is usually some pretty
Speaker 1: key situations or thought patterns that happen in most households
Speaker 1: and with most parents. Now, when I first spoke about,
Speaker 1: you know, the whole topic of you know, kids triggering
Speaker 1: me and things like that, I remember I brought up
Speaker 1: with Ryan and I said to him, I'm going to
Speaker 1: do an episode about this. And I was originally going
Speaker 1: to have Ryan in this episode. But Ryan is building
Speaker 1: the house today and I'm like, I just refuse to wait,
Speaker 1: so it's just happening. So I apologize, mister Pace isn't
Speaker 1: on today. But anyways, I was saying to him, how
Speaker 1: the kids trigger us? And he's like, oh, Like He's like,
Speaker 1: the kids like, don't trigger me. And then I started
Speaker 1: giving him examples because Ryan and I do better with
Speaker 1: different situations with the children. You see, I don't go well,
Speaker 1: which I'll go into later, with a lot of loud
Speaker 1: noises and screaming, and I guess like signs of anger.
Speaker 1: Whereas Ryan he's a very patient man. Look he's married
Speaker 1: to me. He has to be patient. But with Ryan
Speaker 1: I find, especially on days like God, we're all human beings.
Speaker 1: And I say that every bloody episode I know. I
Speaker 1: find with Ryan if he's had a day when the kids,
Speaker 1: I guess with the girls when they ask the same
Speaker 1: question over and over again, and it's more like a
Speaker 1: dialogue thing with Ryan. So if they're asking the same
Speaker 1: question repeatedly and maybe like not listening to him, that's
Speaker 1: where he tends to get triggered. So that could shop
Speaker 1: as possibly even Ryan growing up at school, it could
Speaker 1: have been he was in a friendship group and he
Speaker 1: didn't feel heard like it could have been anything. And
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean you have to I don't want you
Speaker 1: to have to like really think too deep about this,
Speaker 1: Like it is good to know where you think these
Speaker 1: things came from, but it's just having the awareness. We
Speaker 1: don't need to dissect everything. It is helpful. But something
Speaker 1: like Ryan, he again had a great childhood, all the things,
Speaker 1: but this is just something that tends to make him tick.
Speaker 1: And it's good to know that because for me, when
Speaker 1: the kids get too loud or things just get a
Speaker 1: bit too chaotic, my anxiety really starts ramping up, like
Speaker 1: full panic. He knows I don't go well in that situation,
Speaker 1: so he will take over and vice versa. I'm better
Speaker 1: at negotiation skills with the girls and maybe answering their
Speaker 1: questions in the longer form that they want, and that
Speaker 1: doesn't bother me at all. But with Ryan, it kind
Speaker 1: of gets to him after a while, which is fair.
Speaker 1: God drives me nuts to the mowing questions. But you
Speaker 1: know what I mean, We have different triggers and different
Speaker 1: responses to different situations with the kids, and that's really
Speaker 1: helpful to know. And I'm going to get into that
Speaker 1: later about how we're going to tackle all of this. Now,
Speaker 1: before I get into it, I just want to tell
Speaker 1: you I guess what a trigger is. It's basically something
Speaker 1: that happens around you that triggers an emotional reaction from
Speaker 1: you or a thought, and that also triggers an emotional
Speaker 1: reaction from you. So again, anxiety, maybe anger, sadness, remorse, guilt. Like,
Speaker 1: there's so many things, and here is some examples of
Speaker 1: our kids triggering us and how that control up. I
Speaker 1: found some really good examples online at the McDermott method website. Now,
Speaker 1: for example, if you are someone who really values like
Speaker 1: education and grades, and I guess it could be because
Speaker 1: you know, growing up, you know, maybe your parents didn't
Speaker 1: read to you, or you didn't get the education that
Speaker 1: you wanted, or maybe you didn't get help with homework,
Speaker 1: So that can show up later on as say your
Speaker 1: kid flunks a test, which again is not the end
Speaker 1: of the world whatsoever. We all flunk tests and we
Speaker 1: all turned out fine. This can cause feelings of guilt
Speaker 1: with some people, and that is because they then think
Speaker 1: that they've failed being a parent because they have this
Speaker 1: big value of education because that's something they never got,
Speaker 1: so it's something they just really want their children to have. Now,
Speaker 1: that is something that will very like trigger you, especially
Speaker 1: if possibly to you, that's a representation of maybe, of
Speaker 1: of course you failed in the past. Like there's so
Speaker 1: many different links. Another example is if you value respect,
Speaker 1: so maybe growing up you didn't get the respect that
Speaker 1: you were lot of liked as a child, or and again,
Speaker 1: this doesn't always have to stem from things. It could
Speaker 1: be from school, it could be just from like one
Speaker 1: thing that happened to you and you don't remember it.
Speaker 1: And there's a reason why we value certain things. Now,
Speaker 1: if you value respect, you can get really triggered, like
Speaker 1: such as being feeling really angry or frustrated when your
Speaker 1: kids are disrespectful to you. And it's also because when
Speaker 1: you think about it, when we grew up, we were
Speaker 1: very much in the generation of I know, for me,
Speaker 1: it was very much so like, Omi, your mother, don't
Speaker 1: question me, basically, like you're a child, You're not a
Speaker 1: lot of question the adults. This is the authority. And
Speaker 1: I always kind of had this big anxiety surrounding authority
Speaker 1: for that reason too, and obviously a lot of other reasons,
Speaker 1: but it was very much like children are to be
Speaker 1: seen and not heard kind of vibes. And I don't
Speaker 1: want my kids to feel that way. I want my
Speaker 1: kids to question me if I do something and they
Speaker 1: don't understand why I want them to ask, not just
Speaker 1: because I'm the mother, so the end of story, or
Speaker 1: I'm the parent, I'm the authority figure, end of story.
Speaker 1: And it's just really interesting on how different our generations are,
Speaker 1: even down to how gentle I guess like schooling is now.
Speaker 1: I know, when we started every new year at school,
Speaker 1: we were just like thrown into a new classroom with
Speaker 1: a whole different bunch of kids from other classes day one.
Speaker 1: Whereas I'm now with the school that the kids go to,
Speaker 1: which is the exact same primary school I went to.
Speaker 1: They transition them over a week, and it's so much
Speaker 1: more gentle, and they can also request the kids that
Speaker 1: they want to have in their class, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: that's isn't that amazing? Like that is just so beautiful.
Speaker 1: And someone who had such bad social anxiety as a kid,
Speaker 1: which was me, being able to request to have a
Speaker 1: certain friend in my class for the next year would
Speaker 1: have helped with that holiday and anxiety I had for
Speaker 1: weeks leading up for a new year. It would have
Speaker 1: diminished that for me knowing I could have someone in
Speaker 1: my class that I trust and felt safe around. It's
Speaker 1: just so different now. And the thing is, you know,
Speaker 1: we're all learning. We definitely don't have all the answers.
Speaker 1: We're technically the I'm getting real deep now. Sorry, We're
Speaker 1: like the first generation to be raising children who has
Speaker 1: access to the Internet, and we're probably fucking it up
Speaker 1: pretty bad. Let's be honest, and it's not our fault. Again,
Speaker 1: we are giant children ourselves. We're trying to figure it out.
Speaker 1: So I guess what I'm trying to say is when
Speaker 1: you start to recognize these triggers and things going on
Speaker 1: that give you an emotional reaction that your babies are
Speaker 1: giving you, it's okay. Like it's okay. And that's what
Speaker 1: I want to say. So many women and parents they
Speaker 1: feel guilt for saying, my kid makes me feel frustrated.
Speaker 1: My child makes me feel angry because we love them
Speaker 1: with everything. They are everything to us. But if we
Speaker 1: keep bottling this shit up, it's going to make it sick.
Speaker 1: Not necessarily like a cold, but it bottles up until
Speaker 1: it turns into a mental health issue. You know. I
Speaker 1: remember having post anal depression after both girls, and after
Speaker 1: I had Harper, who was my first baby. I had
Speaker 1: the worst personal depression and I wanted Harper. Ryan and
Speaker 1: I tried for Harper, and we were just wanted to
Speaker 1: be parents so badly. So when I actually became a
Speaker 1: mother and then I had post antal depression, I was
Speaker 1: such an asshole to myself. I would literally say to myself,
Speaker 1: my head, you ungrateful human, because I'm like, you wanted
Speaker 1: this child and now you're depressed and anxious and crying
Speaker 1: all the time. And that was not fair on myself
Speaker 1: to think that of me. And now I know it
Speaker 1: much better because you don't get to choose these things.
Speaker 1: You know, we're all born with different chemical imbalances, vitamin imbalances,
Speaker 1: Like God, there's so many things going on in our
Speaker 1: body and there's different reasons why we have certain triggers
Speaker 1: and mental health disorders. We are all brought up differently,
Speaker 1: like different things have happened to every single one of
Speaker 1: us to warrant a reaction, and I think that's just
Speaker 1: so important to say, so before I continue, I just
Speaker 1: please be kind to yourself and just know literally every
Speaker 1: single mother I've spoken to has the exact same feeling everyone,
Speaker 1: So it's not just you, and that's why, you know,
Speaker 1: Send this episode to your mum, friends, send this episode
Speaker 1: to your parent, friend's caregivers, anyone, because your feelings are
Speaker 1: all valid. They're so valid, and don't feel guilty for it.
Speaker 1: The biggest thing is having this awareness of why is
Speaker 1: this making me have this reaction and we can figure
Speaker 1: out how to deal with it together instead of possibly
Speaker 1: getting that reaction of us yelling at our children, or
Speaker 1: we say things we don't want to say, like this
Speaker 1: is the amazing thing about having access to podcasts and
Speaker 1: information and the internet. This is a positive thing because
Speaker 1: I bet you a million dollars, I bet you everything.
Speaker 1: Our parents' generation would have all felt alone. Why do
Speaker 1: you think they all drank and smoke so much because
Speaker 1: they probably thought there were only ones dealing with it
Speaker 1: and they never talked about it anyways, going back into it,
Speaker 1: another example is if you value independence, you'll probably be
Speaker 1: triggered if your kids are leaving their things all over
Speaker 1: the floor, not picking up after themselves. They're forgetting their
Speaker 1: sports gear, cleaning their homework, all those types of things
Speaker 1: unless you're hovering over them, and that can trigger you
Speaker 1: to feel really resentful and frustrated. And again it says
Speaker 1: coming back to our values. And maybe for you independence
Speaker 1: is because you had to be independent as a child
Speaker 1: you were kind of forced to grow up really quick.
Speaker 1: Or maybe it's because of the opposite and you want
Speaker 1: to be independent. Maybe you were, you know, bubble wrapped
Speaker 1: as a child, and well you weren't allowed to do anything,
Speaker 1: so now you want to be independent. There's just so
Speaker 1: many different reasons. So that's why I say, like it's
Speaker 1: good to look into it and really think, but don't
Speaker 1: go too deep and yet again feel that guilt towards it.
Speaker 1: Now for examp, as you guys know, I have health anxiety.
Speaker 1: So my brother Adam, as we know, has autism and
Speaker 1: Down syndrome. So growing up as a sibling of someone
Speaker 1: with a disability, you know, you see firsthand what it's like.
Speaker 1: Adam is basically a two Like he's basically a two
Speaker 1: year old in a thirty three year old, thirty five
Speaker 1: now thirty five year old man's body, and it's rough
Speaker 1: and there's a lot of you know, doctor's appointments. And
Speaker 1: my own mother had had very bad health anxiety as well,
Speaker 1: and you can't blame her. And that's kind of really
Speaker 1: come through me. So every time I'm sick or something
Speaker 1: like that, I think worst case scenario. Not for me,
Speaker 1: especially with sickness, but more so just like anything, if
Speaker 1: there's like a pain or like a lump or anything,
Speaker 1: I get really really worried. I get worried about a
Speaker 1: lot of things, and obviously that goes through to Ryan
Speaker 1: and my children. I'm worried about them. So with Harper,
Speaker 1: she gets a lot of tummy issues, the Paul darling,
Speaker 1: and she's a very picky eater, and her tummy issues
Speaker 1: have been flaring up more recently, and that causes me
Speaker 1: to feel a little lot of guilt and like I
Speaker 1: failed as a parent because I try to get her
Speaker 1: to eat good food and she doesn't. And then this
Speaker 1: triggers me because I worry because of X, Y and Z.
Speaker 1: So you kind of see where we're going here. And
Speaker 1: all of these situations trigger us because they act as
Speaker 1: evidence that we are possibly failing towards our own values,
Speaker 1: to live up to our own values. And is that true?
Speaker 1: Absolutely not, but that is what we think we are doing.
Speaker 1: And again going back to our parents' generation, us not
Speaker 1: being able to question them. Another trigger for many of
Speaker 1: us is when our child disagrees with us and they
Speaker 1: like argue because we were always taught and don't argue
Speaker 1: with your parents, so when they do it to us,
Speaker 1: we kind of adda we're kind of lost, like what
Speaker 1: to do, and because it's a whole new generation, and
Speaker 1: again I'm trying to learn this because halfer very much
Speaker 1: argues with me all the time, and instead I'm trying
Speaker 1: to make myself be more curious about it, like Okay,
Speaker 1: why is she arguing? And then like just trying to
Speaker 1: take that conversation differently. Instead of saying, you know, don't
Speaker 1: argue with me, I'll say, Okay, well why do you
Speaker 1: feel like this is right or wrong? And I open
Speaker 1: up that dialogue with her, which is really bloody helpful
Speaker 1: and I want to get into that later. For me,
Speaker 1: I really came to realize that I want my kids
Speaker 1: to not be afraid to speak up. I want my
Speaker 1: kids to feel like they have a voice, and you
Speaker 1: can challenge your own you know ingrained beliefs that you
Speaker 1: don't even realize you have about that. And I'm not
Speaker 1: saying or let your kids disrespect you or talk to
Speaker 1: you like shit, Absolutely not. But I think we just
Speaker 1: got to remember to you that they're still developing and
Speaker 1: they don't see the world the way we see it.
Speaker 1: It's just like when we were younger, and we will
Speaker 1: probably arguing with our parents. We just thought we're probably
Speaker 1: asking questions. So I'm not saying let them talk to
Speaker 1: you like shit, but I'm saying, really, just kind of
Speaker 1: be curious about it. And they say that when you're
Speaker 1: doing meditation, instead of judging your thoughts that are going
Speaker 1: past you, be curious about it, like I wonder why
Speaker 1: I'm thinking that, And that's what you need to do.
Speaker 1: Now I've already touched on this, but basically you can
Speaker 1: already guess where all our jugas came from. They came
Speaker 1: from our childhood, our values. They can also come from
Speaker 1: unresolved issues and trauma and things like stress and overwhelm.
Speaker 1: So again, if you're having a really stressful time in
Speaker 1: your life, we're going to have a shorter fuse. So
Speaker 1: things that usually don't tick us off, they're going to
Speaker 1: tick us off. It also can come down to our
Speaker 1: attachment style. And if you guys don't know too much
Speaker 1: about this, your attachment style describes people's comfort and confidence
Speaker 1: in close relationships, fear of rejection and yearning for intimacy,
Speaker 1: and also preference for self sufficiency or interpersonal distance. So
Speaker 1: obviously you know you've got your people who are very
Speaker 1: independent and then people who are really closed off. So
Speaker 1: there's usually four attachment styles. So one is secure, so
Speaker 1: you're warm and caring trusting and forgiving, good boundaries, manage
Speaker 1: emotions really well. You're responsive and you're honest and open,
Speaker 1: so that's where you want to be. But then there's
Speaker 1: the other one. So we've got anxious, which is you
Speaker 1: have relationship in securities, fear of abandonment, You lack boundaries,
Speaker 1: and your mood fluctuates. You're highly sensitive and overly accommodating,
Speaker 1: ding ding ding steph pace. That is me. But I'm
Speaker 1: also a bit of an avoidant attachment style, which is
Speaker 1: fear of closeness, distant and withdrawn, you avoid conflict, extreme independence,
Speaker 1: emotionally distant, unresponsive to partner, and you're logical, so I
Speaker 1: can fall into that quite quickly. I kind of call
Speaker 1: it this putting my walls up. And again, this is
Speaker 1: something I kind of just taught myself from childhood when
Speaker 1: I wasn't like nurtured when I was needed, like when
Speaker 1: I needed it, and it was just something I just
Speaker 1: did to like protect my emotions because I didn't like, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I won't go into it in this episode, but you
Speaker 1: get my gist. And then the last one is disorganized,
Speaker 1: so unable to self regulate, you find intimacy and trust
Speaker 1: difficult tendency to dissociate. Oh god, this is me as well,
Speaker 1: lack of empathy, which is not me wants closeness but
Speaker 1: fearful of So there are different types of attachment styles
Speaker 1: and this a lot of these things obviously can cause
Speaker 1: different triggers. And then of course cultural and society expectations.
Speaker 1: So again, as a mother, we feel like we have
Speaker 1: to be nurturing all the time and we can't get
Speaker 1: angry or resentful towards our kids, and this can cause
Speaker 1: us to feel guilt, and then it goes obviously down
Speaker 1: to our values, which I already spoke about. So right
Speaker 1: now you're aware of something of how this shows up
Speaker 1: in your everyday life. Now, what can you actually do
Speaker 1: to get through these moments and to actually kind of
Speaker 1: have an action plan? Now, Ryan and I have a
Speaker 1: really okay, I won't say a really good way, because
Speaker 1: last night was a bloody shit show. It was a mess.
Speaker 1: I was crying after the kids went to sleep because
Speaker 1: it was just it was a time we were all
Speaker 1: very much heightened. We all had really hard days. So
Speaker 1: I'm not saying we're perfect whatsoever, but some things what
Speaker 1: you can do, like I mentioned at the start of
Speaker 1: this episode is Ryan and I am very aware of
Speaker 1: each other's I guess triggers with the kids. He knows
Speaker 1: loud noises and anger scares the shit out of me.
Speaker 1: And that's because my house growing up was filled with
Speaker 1: loud noises and anger. So every time my kids act
Speaker 1: collected that I feel unsafe, my body just does it
Speaker 1: like I can't control it. In my mind, I know
Speaker 1: it's fine, but my body is like, we're not safe.
Speaker 1: Let's lock this shit down. So my body freaks out.
Speaker 1: And with Ryan, as I said, he gets a bit,
Speaker 1: He gets triggered when the kids are asking you a
Speaker 1: million questions an hour literally, all right, So before you
Speaker 1: can get to that point with your partner or whoever
Speaker 1: you're with, obviously that this is going to be extremely
Speaker 1: hard for you know, single parents, and I definitely acknowledge that.
Speaker 1: So this is where I really really do urge you
Speaker 1: to turn to any other form of support, whether that's
Speaker 1: friends or family. And I know that's so much easier
Speaker 1: said than done. Like even for me, I've got Ryan,
Speaker 1: He's incredible, but then it's like when it actually comes
Speaker 1: to actually asking for help, we don't do it. We
Speaker 1: just don't do it. And this is me telling you
Speaker 1: you're not doing that shit anymore. You're asking for help
Speaker 1: and everybody as well. But I'm just wanting to acknowledge,
Speaker 1: you know, the single parents out there because and cares.
Speaker 1: It's bloody tough. I couldn't even imagine it. So so
Speaker 1: the first step is having awareness from what triggers you.
Speaker 1: So over the next few days, I want you to
Speaker 1: be really just really aware of what's going on and
Speaker 1: what your kids are doing when you start to get
Speaker 1: that emotional reaction like what happened, and this is your
Speaker 1: stepping stone. I want you to actually be keeping a
Speaker 1: journal and you're going to be writing that down at
Speaker 1: the end of the day, So just seeing at the
Speaker 1: end of each day what's happened and why has this
Speaker 1: caused this reaction for me? And I've actually created a
Speaker 1: free download for you guys, so the links below in
Speaker 1: the show notes, So print it out or fill it
Speaker 1: out on the computer or whatever it suits your best.
Speaker 1: And I want you to fill this in every night
Speaker 1: because this is really going to help you work through
Speaker 1: this process. So first STEP's awareness. Second step is why
Speaker 1: does it give me this reaction? So reflecting on what
Speaker 1: I've talked about, did something happen growing up. Is there
Speaker 1: certain values that you hold and why and then you
Speaker 1: can actually see, okay, this is why it's making me
Speaker 1: feel this way. Now. Step three is I want you
Speaker 1: to change how you view your thoughts around this. So
Speaker 1: instead of thinking to yourself, I'm failing as a parent
Speaker 1: or I don't feel safe, I want you to actually
Speaker 1: say in your mind, which I do. I am safe
Speaker 1: and I am a good parent. I'm just learning and
Speaker 1: trying as we go. Now, the next step is sitting
Speaker 1: down with your partner and sharing or a support person
Speaker 1: and sharing what triggers you in the household, and then
Speaker 1: they can open up. This is like the open place
Speaker 1: where they can then open up and reflect on themselves
Speaker 1: and tell you what makes them feel the same. So
Speaker 1: step four is developing the coping strategies. So decide what
Speaker 1: you're going to do when this happens, whether it's a
Speaker 1: tactic or something that you say. So, like I mentioned earlier,
Speaker 1: when Harpa tends to argue with me, instead of me
Speaker 1: kind of arguing back or just saying like don't speak
Speaker 1: to me like that, I say why do you feel
Speaker 1: that way? What do you think? And then kind of
Speaker 1: opening up in a less reactive way. So that's one
Speaker 1: tactic I do with that. So really just write down
Speaker 1: your coping strategies so you can go to them when
Speaker 1: you need them. And also step five is set realistic expectations.
Speaker 1: You know, it's all well and good to do all
Speaker 1: these things I'm telling you, but you're not. Again, you're
Speaker 1: human and you're not always going to get right. And
Speaker 1: you know, when there's emotions that are high and people
Speaker 1: are feeling triggered, things can happen, like as in, you
Speaker 1: know you will just maybe walk out, like the best
Speaker 1: thing for me if my kids are really triggering me,
Speaker 1: I'll just say I love you. I'm just going to
Speaker 1: remove myself from this situation because I don't feel like
Speaker 1: in control right now. I'll be back when I feel
Speaker 1: a little bit better, and that's if I'm really in
Speaker 1: a bad way. So that's what I do personally. And
Speaker 1: the next step is communicate with your children. So like
Speaker 1: I just said, then, I'm really open with my kids.
Speaker 1: So one big thing for me growing up was, you know,
Speaker 1: I used to see a lot of emotions, and the
Speaker 1: emotions tend they were blamed on me when little stuff
Speaker 1: that actually didn't do anything I don't want to get
Speaker 1: into it here, but you know what I mean. Basically
Speaker 1: I was the family punching bag, and so when I
Speaker 1: would see, you know, my mother crying and things like that,
Speaker 1: that would make me really feel like shit. Basically that
Speaker 1: everything was my fault kind of thing. So when I
Speaker 1: am crying, and that's been lately because obviously I lost
Speaker 1: my dad and my nan and things like that, I
Speaker 1: always tell my kids, Mummy loves you. You didn't upset me.
Speaker 1: Mummies crying because of this, so I just like to
Speaker 1: let them know. And that again is because that's what
Speaker 1: I dealt with as a child, So just communicating with them,
Speaker 1: or when you feel like you didn't react in the
Speaker 1: best way, I always apologize to my kids. I think
Speaker 1: it's so important for us to show that as adults,
Speaker 1: we make mistakes too. And I think that's one thing
Speaker 1: that's kind of heft up our generation is because we
Speaker 1: saw our parents and it looked like they had all
Speaker 1: their shit together and there were this authority figured up,
Speaker 1: there were this authority figure and they never apologized, well
Speaker 1: mind in anyway. So it's kind of given us this
Speaker 1: expectation that at our age we should have our shit together,
Speaker 1: and we don't have our shit together. And the last
Speaker 1: step is practice forgiveness. Not only you know, I guess,
Speaker 1: for your children's behavior and you know, not expecting them
Speaker 1: to be like in the military and be perfect, but
Speaker 1: also for yourself and how you act, and also just
Speaker 1: seeking support and making sure you're taking some time out
Speaker 1: for self care. And I know you're probably gonna roll
Speaker 1: your eyes at this, but it's true. So for me,
Speaker 1: my thing of self care when I'm at home and
Speaker 1: it's been a bit of a time is I bought
Speaker 1: this chair from Bunnings and I popped it on the
Speaker 1: balcony of this little balcony out the front, and I'll
Speaker 1: go and sit out there. And it's been actually really
Speaker 1: nice lately because it's been raining. So I did that
Speaker 1: last night because we had a bloody night, that's for sure,
Speaker 1: and I sat out there and I just listened to
Speaker 1: the rain and I just got that fresh air. And
Speaker 1: that's like my little I guess, like my little reset
Speaker 1: for myself. So doing something similar, making like a little
Speaker 1: self care caddy where you can have crosswords or drawing
Speaker 1: like supplies in there, your journal and have like this
Speaker 1: something for you to go to and It doesn't have
Speaker 1: to be this big extravagant thing where you go get
Speaker 1: a massage or anything like that. So please do download
Speaker 1: the free sheet I made for you guys and do
Speaker 1: your stepping stone this week, which is doing it every night.
Speaker 1: And I really hope this episode helped you. I know
Speaker 1: it's just such a thing that we do need to
Speaker 1: talk about, and please do send it to a mum,
Speaker 1: friend or a parent that needs to hear this. And
Speaker 1: I love you, guys, and I'll talk to you guys
Speaker 1: on Monday. Bye. Thank you guys so much for tuning
Speaker 1: in today's episode of Stepping Up. I don't want this
Speaker 1: to be just another podcast that you listen to you
Speaker 1: get inspiration and then you don't take action. If there's
Speaker 1: been something in this episode that will help you step
Speaker 1: up into the best version of yourself, open up your
Speaker 1: trusted planner and make a plan. And if you've loved
Speaker 1: listening to today's episode, take a screenshot and show me
Speaker 1: where you've been listening from. I love seeing it. Make
Speaker 1: sure you tag us at Stepping Up and steph pace
Speaker 1: underscore on Instagram so we can see it. And make
Speaker 1: sure you subscribe because you won't want to miss what's
Speaker 1: coming up next Week two,