WEBVTT - Do Your Kids Trigger You? 0:00:00.560 --> 0:00:03.400 I'd like to begin by acknowledging the traditional custodians of 0:00:03.440 --> 0:00:06.920 country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. 0:00:07.360 --> 0:00:10.480 We pay our respect to their elders, past, present and emerging, 0:00:10.520 --> 0:00:13.200 and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait 0:00:13.240 --> 0:00:18.880 Islander peoples today. Welcome to Stepping Up the podcast where 0:00:18.920 --> 0:00:23.400 we explore all things organization, mental health, routines, personal development, 0:00:23.600 --> 0:00:26.720 motherhood and health. I'm your host, Steph Pace, and I'm 0:00:26.760 --> 0:00:29.720 the woman behind Just Another Mummy blog and also the 0:00:29.760 --> 0:00:32.640 founder of Steph Pace Planners. But I can assure you 0:00:32.720 --> 0:00:35.760 this is not just another podcast online. I'm known for 0:00:35.840 --> 0:00:39.120 my organization tips and tricks and the occasional banter, but 0:00:39.200 --> 0:00:41.879 it definitely wasn't always this way. I used to be 0:00:41.960 --> 0:00:45.320 a hot mess and occasionally still am. And I'm here 0:00:45.360 --> 0:00:47.880 as your honest and real friend each week to show 0:00:47.880 --> 0:00:50.440 you how I turn my life of chaos into clarity. 0:00:50.920 --> 0:00:53.640 Between the house, health, kids, work, and wanting to be 0:00:53.720 --> 0:00:56.240 the best version of yourself, it can be overwhelming, and 0:00:56.320 --> 0:00:58.200 I'm here to give you the tools and tips to 0:00:58.200 --> 0:01:01.040 stop you feeling like a slave to your daily tasks, 0:01:01.120 --> 0:01:04.480 home life, and especially the expectations you have on yourself. 0:01:05.120 --> 0:01:07.120 Join me as I share my journey and insights into 0:01:07.120 --> 0:01:09.240 the art of balancing at all and speak to guests 0:01:09.240 --> 0:01:11.759 who can help us all live a better life. Whether 0:01:11.800 --> 0:01:14.679 you're looking to streamline your daily routines, boosh your wellbeing, 0:01:14.800 --> 0:01:17.960 achieve your fitness goals, dive into personal development, or find 0:01:18.000 --> 0:01:20.760 inspiration to steff up into the best version of yourself, 0:01:21.040 --> 0:01:23.600 We've got you. So are you ready to steff up 0:01:23.640 --> 0:01:28.680 your game? Let's go. Hello, guys, and welcome to stepping up. 0:01:28.880 --> 0:01:32.959 Today's episode is probably going to trigger you. Trigger is 0:01:32.959 --> 0:01:36.080 the main word in today's episode. But I'm talking about 0:01:36.120 --> 0:01:38.200 this because this is something that I feel like there's 0:01:38.240 --> 0:01:42.240 a huge stigma around, and it's something that parents and 0:01:42.360 --> 0:01:45.880 mothers especially tend to feel really ashamed to talk about. 0:01:45.959 --> 0:01:49.560 And that thing is do your kids trigger you? Now 0:01:49.600 --> 0:01:51.040 you probably hear that and you're like, of course not, 0:01:51.160 --> 0:01:53.200 of course, my kids don't trigger me. But how about 0:01:53.200 --> 0:01:56.520 those times where you know it's the afternoon and no 0:01:56.560 --> 0:01:58.360 one's listening to you, and you're just trying to get 0:01:58.360 --> 0:02:01.960 everyone ready for bed, and there's screaming and they're fighting, 0:02:02.000 --> 0:02:04.800 and there's a million questions being asked you're picking everything 0:02:04.880 --> 0:02:07.240 up off the floor, and then you start to get 0:02:07.240 --> 0:02:10.160 that real tight sensation in your chest, and then your 0:02:10.200 --> 0:02:13.440 heart starts to get really really fast, and then you 0:02:14.120 --> 0:02:18.119 start to have to push down feelings of could be anger, sadness, 0:02:18.240 --> 0:02:20.239 and we don't even like the R word, but resentment, 0:02:21.000 --> 0:02:23.600 and that means you're being triggered. So literally, pretty much 0:02:23.600 --> 0:02:26.560 everyone on the planet gets triggered by things, and I 0:02:26.600 --> 0:02:30.400 think even the word trigger itself. I feel like when 0:02:30.440 --> 0:02:33.560 you're saying, oh, someone triggered me again, there's a stigma 0:02:33.600 --> 0:02:37.280 attached to that that whatever they're doing must be quite bad, 0:02:37.320 --> 0:02:40.240 but obviously it's not. Because anything can trigger people. It 0:02:40.280 --> 0:02:42.600 can be for me. For example, I've talked about this before. 0:02:43.040 --> 0:02:46.480 I've got PTSD with having the blinds shut. If you 0:02:46.520 --> 0:02:48.400 guys don't remember that, when I grew up, like our 0:02:48.400 --> 0:02:51.240 house was just so dark, the blind's always really closed, 0:02:51.240 --> 0:02:53.239 and it was a very welcoming feeling. So when I 0:02:53.280 --> 0:02:56.200 wake up if my blinds aren't all open, I start 0:02:56.240 --> 0:02:59.000 to get that feeling and it's that anxiety and it 0:02:59.080 --> 0:03:01.880 triggers me. And that's okay. I'm very aware of it 0:03:02.000 --> 0:03:03.920 and passed as soon as I open the blinds. I'm 0:03:03.919 --> 0:03:05.720 all good, and that's something obviously I should deal with. 0:03:06.080 --> 0:03:08.200 But that's just an example. It doesn't mean that your 0:03:08.240 --> 0:03:10.840 kids have to be doing something crazy to trigger you. 0:03:10.919 --> 0:03:13.120 And I'm going to give you some examples in today's episode. 0:03:13.160 --> 0:03:17.000 Because even our partners such as Ryan, like my husband Ryan, 0:03:17.080 --> 0:03:21.720 he had great upbringing. He's someone who literally has no 0:03:21.760 --> 0:03:25.560 health problems, no mental health problems. He's just caused a cucumber, 0:03:26.000 --> 0:03:28.160 and even the kids trigger him. And it's just because 0:03:28.160 --> 0:03:30.280 we're humans and that's okay. And I think it's all 0:03:30.320 --> 0:03:35.280 about us just starting this dialogue about how kids can 0:03:35.800 --> 0:03:38.680 make us feel and like challenging our thoughts around that 0:03:38.840 --> 0:03:42.119 and changing how we think about it. So I'm really 0:03:42.120 --> 0:03:44.480 excited today's episode. And actually this morning I went to 0:03:44.520 --> 0:03:46.160 the gym before I dive in. I went to the 0:03:46.160 --> 0:03:49.160 gym this morning and I met these two beautiful ladies 0:03:49.160 --> 0:03:52.160 from my community and the followers, and we got chatting 0:03:52.360 --> 0:03:55.520 and we started saying, how you know, come over, how 0:03:55.560 --> 0:03:57.320 it came about. But we're just saying, how you know, 0:03:57.360 --> 0:03:59.680 with our kids and they're getting older and it can 0:03:59.720 --> 0:04:01.920 be a lot like we're still trying to learn how 0:04:02.000 --> 0:04:04.720 to be adults and we still feel like kids ourselves, 0:04:04.800 --> 0:04:07.320 and it's hard to I guess, learn how to regulate ourselves. 0:04:07.360 --> 0:04:10.840 And it can just feel like a lot. And we're 0:04:10.880 --> 0:04:13.520 saying how you know, especially as they get older. You know, 0:04:13.640 --> 0:04:16.719 little people, little problems, big people, big problems. And that's 0:04:16.720 --> 0:04:18.720 definitely happening now. I'm starting to see more with heart 0:04:18.720 --> 0:04:22.039 By now that she's eight going on bloody eighteen, Lord 0:04:22.080 --> 0:04:24.320 help me. And a lot of the things that are 0:04:24.320 --> 0:04:26.960 coming up, I guess I didn't expect it to come 0:04:27.040 --> 0:04:30.360 up so soon. Like there's you know, there's dramas at school, 0:04:30.760 --> 0:04:33.279 and then there's like talks of you know, friendship groups 0:04:33.279 --> 0:04:35.200 and these are awesome things that I just guess I 0:04:35.200 --> 0:04:38.640 didn't expect to come up this soon. And yeah, it's 0:04:38.680 --> 0:04:42.360 just really interesting how even we're talking to these two 0:04:42.400 --> 0:04:45.279 beautiful ladies this morning, that everyone feels the same way 0:04:45.640 --> 0:04:48.320 in one space for another. If you've got boys, if 0:04:48.360 --> 0:04:51.560 you've got girls, God like, you could literally just have 0:04:51.640 --> 0:04:57.120 a cat. And your cat's probably going to bloody trigger anyway. 0:04:57.720 --> 0:05:00.000 So that's what today's episode is about. And make sure 0:05:00.120 --> 0:05:02.119 you do stay till the end because I'll be giving 0:05:02.120 --> 0:05:03.920 your stephing stone, which is going to be one of 0:05:03.960 --> 0:05:07.640 the keys to help you really overcome these emotions and 0:05:07.760 --> 0:05:10.720 view how you think about all these things and like 0:05:11.320 --> 0:05:14.239 show up as a parent, as a friend, as a sister, 0:05:14.360 --> 0:05:17.320 or whatever in your day to day life. Now, firstly, 0:05:17.360 --> 0:05:19.880 I want to talk about just some examples of how 0:05:20.160 --> 0:05:22.360 you know your kids triggering you can show up in 0:05:22.440 --> 0:05:25.320 day to day life. Again, this is going to look 0:05:25.640 --> 0:05:28.960 really different for everybody, but there is usually some pretty 0:05:29.040 --> 0:05:33.440 key situations or thought patterns that happen in most households 0:05:33.520 --> 0:05:37.159 and with most parents. Now, when I first spoke about, 0:05:37.240 --> 0:05:40.040 you know, the whole topic of you know, kids triggering 0:05:40.279 --> 0:05:41.800 me and things like that, I remember I brought up 0:05:41.839 --> 0:05:43.520 with Ryan and I said to him, I'm going to 0:05:43.560 --> 0:05:45.240 do an episode about this. And I was originally going 0:05:45.279 --> 0:05:47.880 to have Ryan in this episode. But Ryan is building 0:05:47.880 --> 0:05:50.440 the house today and I'm like, I just refuse to wait, 0:05:50.520 --> 0:05:52.920 so it's just happening. So I apologize, mister Pace isn't 0:05:52.920 --> 0:05:55.120 on today. But anyways, I was saying to him, how 0:05:55.160 --> 0:05:58.040 the kids trigger us? And he's like, oh, Like He's like, 0:05:58.080 --> 0:06:00.640 the kids like, don't trigger me. And then I started 0:06:00.640 --> 0:06:04.520 giving him examples because Ryan and I do better with 0:06:04.720 --> 0:06:10.560 different situations with the children. You see, I don't go well, 0:06:10.760 --> 0:06:13.000 which I'll go into later, with a lot of loud 0:06:13.040 --> 0:06:15.599 noises and screaming, and I guess like signs of anger. 0:06:15.920 --> 0:06:19.679 Whereas Ryan he's a very patient man. Look he's married 0:06:19.720 --> 0:06:23.080 to me. He has to be patient. But with Ryan 0:06:23.120 --> 0:06:26.360 I find, especially on days like God, we're all human beings. 0:06:26.400 --> 0:06:28.919 And I say that every bloody episode I know. I 0:06:28.960 --> 0:06:31.520 find with Ryan if he's had a day when the kids, 0:06:31.600 --> 0:06:34.479 I guess with the girls when they ask the same 0:06:34.560 --> 0:06:36.560 question over and over again, and it's more like a 0:06:36.600 --> 0:06:38.800 dialogue thing with Ryan. So if they're asking the same 0:06:38.880 --> 0:06:42.400 question repeatedly and maybe like not listening to him, that's 0:06:42.440 --> 0:06:45.640 where he tends to get triggered. So that could shop 0:06:45.680 --> 0:06:48.760 as possibly even Ryan growing up at school, it could 0:06:48.760 --> 0:06:50.440 have been he was in a friendship group and he 0:06:50.480 --> 0:06:52.479 didn't feel heard like it could have been anything. And 0:06:52.520 --> 0:06:54.520 it doesn't mean you have to I don't want you 0:06:54.560 --> 0:06:57.440 to have to like really think too deep about this, 0:06:57.560 --> 0:06:59.480 Like it is good to know where you think these 0:06:59.520 --> 0:07:03.200 things came from, but it's just having the awareness. We 0:07:03.240 --> 0:07:06.239 don't need to dissect everything. It is helpful. But something 0:07:06.279 --> 0:07:09.040 like Ryan, he again had a great childhood, all the things, 0:07:09.520 --> 0:07:13.040 but this is just something that tends to make him tick. 0:07:13.480 --> 0:07:16.600 And it's good to know that because for me, when 0:07:17.000 --> 0:07:19.560 the kids get too loud or things just get a 0:07:19.560 --> 0:07:23.000 bit too chaotic, my anxiety really starts ramping up, like 0:07:23.160 --> 0:07:26.480 full panic. He knows I don't go well in that situation, 0:07:26.600 --> 0:07:29.360 so he will take over and vice versa. I'm better 0:07:29.360 --> 0:07:32.160 at negotiation skills with the girls and maybe answering their 0:07:32.240 --> 0:07:34.760 questions in the longer form that they want, and that 0:07:34.800 --> 0:07:37.760 doesn't bother me at all. But with Ryan, it kind 0:07:37.760 --> 0:07:39.400 of gets to him after a while, which is fair. 0:07:39.520 --> 0:07:42.360 God drives me nuts to the mowing questions. But you 0:07:42.400 --> 0:07:44.679 know what I mean, We have different triggers and different 0:07:44.720 --> 0:07:47.600 responses to different situations with the kids, and that's really 0:07:47.600 --> 0:07:49.360 helpful to know. And I'm going to get into that 0:07:49.440 --> 0:07:52.360 later about how we're going to tackle all of this. Now, 0:07:52.480 --> 0:07:53.880 before I get into it, I just want to tell 0:07:53.920 --> 0:07:56.080 you I guess what a trigger is. It's basically something 0:07:56.080 --> 0:07:59.560 that happens around you that triggers an emotional reaction from 0:07:59.560 --> 0:08:02.560 you or a thought, and that also triggers an emotional 0:08:02.560 --> 0:08:08.480 reaction from you. So again, anxiety, maybe anger, sadness, remorse, guilt. Like, 0:08:08.520 --> 0:08:12.080 there's so many things, and here is some examples of 0:08:12.120 --> 0:08:15.040 our kids triggering us and how that control up. I 0:08:15.120 --> 0:08:19.680 found some really good examples online at the McDermott method website. Now, 0:08:19.680 --> 0:08:23.840 for example, if you are someone who really values like 0:08:24.000 --> 0:08:28.040 education and grades, and I guess it could be because 0:08:28.160 --> 0:08:31.280 you know, growing up, you know, maybe your parents didn't 0:08:31.280 --> 0:08:33.160 read to you, or you didn't get the education that 0:08:33.200 --> 0:08:35.160 you wanted, or maybe you didn't get help with homework, 0:08:35.880 --> 0:08:38.040 So that can show up later on as say your 0:08:38.120 --> 0:08:40.880 kid flunks a test, which again is not the end 0:08:40.920 --> 0:08:43.240 of the world whatsoever. We all flunk tests and we 0:08:43.280 --> 0:08:46.800 all turned out fine. This can cause feelings of guilt 0:08:46.880 --> 0:08:49.360 with some people, and that is because they then think 0:08:49.400 --> 0:08:52.280 that they've failed being a parent because they have this 0:08:52.360 --> 0:08:54.840 big value of education because that's something they never got, 0:08:54.880 --> 0:08:58.199 so it's something they just really want their children to have. Now, 0:08:58.240 --> 0:09:01.440 that is something that will very like trigger you, especially 0:09:01.480 --> 0:09:05.440 if possibly to you, that's a representation of maybe, of 0:09:05.440 --> 0:09:07.440 of course you failed in the past. Like there's so 0:09:07.520 --> 0:09:12.880 many different links. Another example is if you value respect, 0:09:13.559 --> 0:09:17.160 so maybe growing up you didn't get the respect that 0:09:17.240 --> 0:09:19.880 you were lot of liked as a child, or and again, 0:09:19.920 --> 0:09:22.079 this doesn't always have to stem from things. It could 0:09:22.120 --> 0:09:23.920 be from school, it could be just from like one 0:09:24.000 --> 0:09:26.560 thing that happened to you and you don't remember it. 0:09:26.600 --> 0:09:29.800 And there's a reason why we value certain things. Now, 0:09:29.800 --> 0:09:32.720 if you value respect, you can get really triggered, like 0:09:32.880 --> 0:09:35.840 such as being feeling really angry or frustrated when your 0:09:35.920 --> 0:09:39.200 kids are disrespectful to you. And it's also because when 0:09:39.200 --> 0:09:41.760 you think about it, when we grew up, we were 0:09:41.800 --> 0:09:43.960 very much in the generation of I know, for me, 0:09:44.360 --> 0:09:46.080 it was very much so like, Omi, your mother, don't 0:09:46.120 --> 0:09:48.800 question me, basically, like you're a child, You're not a 0:09:48.800 --> 0:09:51.160 lot of question the adults. This is the authority. And 0:09:51.200 --> 0:09:54.240 I always kind of had this big anxiety surrounding authority 0:09:54.240 --> 0:09:56.720 for that reason too, and obviously a lot of other reasons, 0:09:56.800 --> 0:09:58.760 but it was very much like children are to be 0:09:58.760 --> 0:10:02.360 seen and not heard kind of vibes. And I don't 0:10:02.400 --> 0:10:05.760 want my kids to feel that way. I want my 0:10:05.840 --> 0:10:08.480 kids to question me if I do something and they 0:10:08.480 --> 0:10:11.200 don't understand why I want them to ask, not just 0:10:11.240 --> 0:10:13.320 because I'm the mother, so the end of story, or 0:10:13.360 --> 0:10:15.959 I'm the parent, I'm the authority figure, end of story. 0:10:16.800 --> 0:10:20.600 And it's just really interesting on how different our generations are, 0:10:21.080 --> 0:10:24.760 even down to how gentle I guess like schooling is now. 0:10:24.760 --> 0:10:27.600 I know, when we started every new year at school, 0:10:28.360 --> 0:10:31.240 we were just like thrown into a new classroom with 0:10:31.440 --> 0:10:34.160 a whole different bunch of kids from other classes day one. 0:10:34.240 --> 0:10:36.440 Whereas I'm now with the school that the kids go to, 0:10:36.440 --> 0:10:38.200 which is the exact same primary school I went to. 0:10:38.600 --> 0:10:41.760 They transition them over a week, and it's so much 0:10:41.800 --> 0:10:44.400 more gentle, and they can also request the kids that 0:10:44.400 --> 0:10:46.560 they want to have in their class, and I'm like, 0:10:46.600 --> 0:10:49.280 that's isn't that amazing? Like that is just so beautiful. 0:10:49.280 --> 0:10:52.280 And someone who had such bad social anxiety as a kid, 0:10:52.440 --> 0:10:55.360 which was me, being able to request to have a 0:10:55.360 --> 0:10:58.040 certain friend in my class for the next year would 0:10:58.080 --> 0:11:00.960 have helped with that holiday and anxiety I had for 0:11:01.080 --> 0:11:03.600 weeks leading up for a new year. It would have 0:11:03.840 --> 0:11:06.320 diminished that for me knowing I could have someone in 0:11:06.360 --> 0:11:09.840 my class that I trust and felt safe around. It's 0:11:09.880 --> 0:11:12.480 just so different now. And the thing is, you know, 0:11:12.640 --> 0:11:15.240 we're all learning. We definitely don't have all the answers. 0:11:15.280 --> 0:11:17.920 We're technically the I'm getting real deep now. Sorry, We're 0:11:17.960 --> 0:11:22.240 like the first generation to be raising children who has 0:11:22.280 --> 0:11:25.280 access to the Internet, and we're probably fucking it up 0:11:25.280 --> 0:11:28.800 pretty bad. Let's be honest, and it's not our fault. Again, 0:11:28.840 --> 0:11:32.559 we are giant children ourselves. We're trying to figure it out. 0:11:33.080 --> 0:11:35.320 So I guess what I'm trying to say is when 0:11:35.320 --> 0:11:39.040 you start to recognize these triggers and things going on 0:11:39.600 --> 0:11:43.000 that give you an emotional reaction that your babies are 0:11:43.000 --> 0:11:47.320 giving you, it's okay. Like it's okay. And that's what 0:11:47.440 --> 0:11:51.920 I want to say. So many women and parents they 0:11:51.960 --> 0:11:55.319 feel guilt for saying, my kid makes me feel frustrated. 0:11:55.720 --> 0:11:58.280 My child makes me feel angry because we love them 0:11:58.360 --> 0:12:02.280 with everything. They are everything to us. But if we 0:12:02.360 --> 0:12:05.640 keep bottling this shit up, it's going to make it sick. 0:12:06.120 --> 0:12:10.560 Not necessarily like a cold, but it bottles up until 0:12:10.559 --> 0:12:13.080 it turns into a mental health issue. You know. I 0:12:13.080 --> 0:12:16.160 remember having post anal depression after both girls, and after 0:12:16.240 --> 0:12:19.040 I had Harper, who was my first baby. I had 0:12:19.040 --> 0:12:21.440 the worst personal depression and I wanted Harper. Ryan and 0:12:21.480 --> 0:12:23.880 I tried for Harper, and we were just wanted to 0:12:23.880 --> 0:12:26.240 be parents so badly. So when I actually became a 0:12:26.280 --> 0:12:29.600 mother and then I had post antal depression, I was 0:12:29.720 --> 0:12:33.240 such an asshole to myself. I would literally say to myself, 0:12:33.320 --> 0:12:36.880 my head, you ungrateful human, because I'm like, you wanted 0:12:36.880 --> 0:12:40.480 this child and now you're depressed and anxious and crying 0:12:40.480 --> 0:12:43.480 all the time. And that was not fair on myself 0:12:43.559 --> 0:12:46.040 to think that of me. And now I know it 0:12:46.160 --> 0:12:50.120 much better because you don't get to choose these things. 0:12:51.200 --> 0:12:55.359 You know, we're all born with different chemical imbalances, vitamin imbalances, 0:12:55.400 --> 0:12:56.960 Like God, there's so many things going on in our 0:12:57.000 --> 0:13:00.880 body and there's different reasons why we have certain triggers 0:13:00.920 --> 0:13:03.679 and mental health disorders. We are all brought up differently, 0:13:03.760 --> 0:13:05.760 like different things have happened to every single one of 0:13:05.840 --> 0:13:09.240 us to warrant a reaction, and I think that's just 0:13:09.320 --> 0:13:13.080 so important to say, so before I continue, I just 0:13:13.240 --> 0:13:16.640 please be kind to yourself and just know literally every 0:13:16.640 --> 0:13:21.160 single mother I've spoken to has the exact same feeling everyone, 0:13:21.400 --> 0:13:23.880 So it's not just you, and that's why, you know, 0:13:24.400 --> 0:13:27.280 Send this episode to your mum, friends, send this episode 0:13:27.320 --> 0:13:31.400 to your parent, friend's caregivers, anyone, because your feelings are 0:13:31.400 --> 0:13:35.280 all valid. They're so valid, and don't feel guilty for it. 0:13:35.760 --> 0:13:38.560 The biggest thing is having this awareness of why is 0:13:38.600 --> 0:13:41.480 this making me have this reaction and we can figure 0:13:41.480 --> 0:13:43.880 out how to deal with it together instead of possibly 0:13:43.920 --> 0:13:46.360 getting that reaction of us yelling at our children, or 0:13:46.520 --> 0:13:48.520 we say things we don't want to say, like this 0:13:48.559 --> 0:13:51.760 is the amazing thing about having access to podcasts and 0:13:51.800 --> 0:13:55.439 information and the internet. This is a positive thing because 0:13:56.520 --> 0:13:59.319 I bet you a million dollars, I bet you everything. 0:13:59.640 --> 0:14:03.559 Our parents' generation would have all felt alone. Why do 0:14:03.559 --> 0:14:06.040 you think they all drank and smoke so much because 0:14:06.120 --> 0:14:08.480 they probably thought there were only ones dealing with it 0:14:08.520 --> 0:14:11.400 and they never talked about it anyways, going back into it, 0:14:11.480 --> 0:14:15.440 another example is if you value independence, you'll probably be 0:14:15.600 --> 0:14:18.680 triggered if your kids are leaving their things all over 0:14:18.720 --> 0:14:22.320 the floor, not picking up after themselves. They're forgetting their 0:14:22.320 --> 0:14:25.600 sports gear, cleaning their homework, all those types of things 0:14:25.640 --> 0:14:28.560 unless you're hovering over them, and that can trigger you 0:14:28.600 --> 0:14:32.880 to feel really resentful and frustrated. And again it says 0:14:32.920 --> 0:14:35.800 coming back to our values. And maybe for you independence 0:14:35.880 --> 0:14:39.040 is because you had to be independent as a child 0:14:39.440 --> 0:14:41.240 you were kind of forced to grow up really quick. 0:14:42.160 --> 0:14:43.840 Or maybe it's because of the opposite and you want 0:14:43.880 --> 0:14:46.760 to be independent. Maybe you were, you know, bubble wrapped 0:14:46.760 --> 0:14:48.880 as a child, and well you weren't allowed to do anything, 0:14:48.920 --> 0:14:51.120 so now you want to be independent. There's just so 0:14:51.200 --> 0:14:53.040 many different reasons. So that's why I say, like it's 0:14:53.040 --> 0:14:56.040 good to look into it and really think, but don't 0:14:56.040 --> 0:14:58.920 go too deep and yet again feel that guilt towards it. 0:14:59.400 --> 0:15:02.480 Now for examp, as you guys know, I have health anxiety. 0:15:02.600 --> 0:15:05.320 So my brother Adam, as we know, has autism and 0:15:05.360 --> 0:15:08.480 Down syndrome. So growing up as a sibling of someone 0:15:08.480 --> 0:15:11.840 with a disability, you know, you see firsthand what it's like. 0:15:12.640 --> 0:15:15.680 Adam is basically a two Like he's basically a two 0:15:15.760 --> 0:15:19.080 year old in a thirty three year old, thirty five 0:15:19.160 --> 0:15:22.600 now thirty five year old man's body, and it's rough 0:15:22.840 --> 0:15:25.360 and there's a lot of you know, doctor's appointments. And 0:15:25.880 --> 0:15:28.840 my own mother had had very bad health anxiety as well, 0:15:28.880 --> 0:15:31.480 and you can't blame her. And that's kind of really 0:15:31.520 --> 0:15:33.920 come through me. So every time I'm sick or something 0:15:33.960 --> 0:15:37.800 like that, I think worst case scenario. Not for me, 0:15:37.960 --> 0:15:40.360 especially with sickness, but more so just like anything, if 0:15:40.360 --> 0:15:43.120 there's like a pain or like a lump or anything, 0:15:43.160 --> 0:15:46.240 I get really really worried. I get worried about a 0:15:46.280 --> 0:15:48.480 lot of things, and obviously that goes through to Ryan 0:15:48.520 --> 0:15:51.480 and my children. I'm worried about them. So with Harper, 0:15:51.520 --> 0:15:53.560 she gets a lot of tummy issues, the Paul darling, 0:15:53.600 --> 0:15:56.800 and she's a very picky eater, and her tummy issues 0:15:56.800 --> 0:15:59.320 have been flaring up more recently, and that causes me 0:15:59.360 --> 0:16:01.880 to feel a little lot of guilt and like I 0:16:01.960 --> 0:16:04.120 failed as a parent because I try to get her 0:16:04.120 --> 0:16:05.960 to eat good food and she doesn't. And then this 0:16:06.040 --> 0:16:08.960 triggers me because I worry because of X, Y and Z. 0:16:09.200 --> 0:16:11.560 So you kind of see where we're going here. And 0:16:11.600 --> 0:16:14.720 all of these situations trigger us because they act as 0:16:14.760 --> 0:16:20.000 evidence that we are possibly failing towards our own values, 0:16:20.400 --> 0:16:23.000 to live up to our own values. And is that true? 0:16:23.240 --> 0:16:26.080 Absolutely not, but that is what we think we are doing. 0:16:26.360 --> 0:16:29.600 And again going back to our parents' generation, us not 0:16:29.640 --> 0:16:32.000 being able to question them. Another trigger for many of 0:16:32.080 --> 0:16:34.680 us is when our child disagrees with us and they 0:16:34.720 --> 0:16:37.160 like argue because we were always taught and don't argue 0:16:37.160 --> 0:16:38.880 with your parents, so when they do it to us, 0:16:39.840 --> 0:16:42.280 we kind of adda we're kind of lost, like what 0:16:42.400 --> 0:16:45.560 to do, and because it's a whole new generation, and 0:16:45.600 --> 0:16:48.200 again I'm trying to learn this because halfer very much 0:16:48.280 --> 0:16:50.840 argues with me all the time, and instead I'm trying 0:16:50.880 --> 0:16:53.440 to make myself be more curious about it, like Okay, 0:16:53.440 --> 0:16:55.880 why is she arguing? And then like just trying to 0:16:56.080 --> 0:16:59.720 take that conversation differently. Instead of saying, you know, don't 0:16:59.760 --> 0:17:01.800 argue with me, I'll say, Okay, well why do you 0:17:01.840 --> 0:17:04.159 feel like this is right or wrong? And I open 0:17:04.240 --> 0:17:07.639 up that dialogue with her, which is really bloody helpful 0:17:07.640 --> 0:17:09.399 and I want to get into that later. For me, 0:17:09.520 --> 0:17:12.000 I really came to realize that I want my kids 0:17:12.000 --> 0:17:13.679 to not be afraid to speak up. I want my 0:17:13.760 --> 0:17:17.080 kids to feel like they have a voice, and you 0:17:17.119 --> 0:17:20.679 can challenge your own you know ingrained beliefs that you 0:17:20.680 --> 0:17:23.399 don't even realize you have about that. And I'm not 0:17:23.440 --> 0:17:26.080 saying or let your kids disrespect you or talk to 0:17:26.080 --> 0:17:28.560 you like shit, Absolutely not. But I think we just 0:17:28.560 --> 0:17:30.840 got to remember to you that they're still developing and 0:17:31.960 --> 0:17:34.920 they don't see the world the way we see it. 0:17:34.920 --> 0:17:36.400 It's just like when we were younger, and we will 0:17:36.440 --> 0:17:38.840 probably arguing with our parents. We just thought we're probably 0:17:38.880 --> 0:17:42.080 asking questions. So I'm not saying let them talk to 0:17:42.080 --> 0:17:45.240 you like shit, but I'm saying, really, just kind of 0:17:45.680 --> 0:17:47.840 be curious about it. And they say that when you're 0:17:47.840 --> 0:17:50.880 doing meditation, instead of judging your thoughts that are going 0:17:50.960 --> 0:17:53.640 past you, be curious about it, like I wonder why 0:17:53.640 --> 0:17:56.000 I'm thinking that, And that's what you need to do. 0:17:56.520 --> 0:17:59.239 Now I've already touched on this, but basically you can 0:17:59.280 --> 0:18:01.880 already guess where all our jugas came from. They came 0:18:01.960 --> 0:18:06.520 from our childhood, our values. They can also come from 0:18:06.600 --> 0:18:10.600 unresolved issues and trauma and things like stress and overwhelm. 0:18:10.680 --> 0:18:12.800 So again, if you're having a really stressful time in 0:18:12.840 --> 0:18:15.160 your life, we're going to have a shorter fuse. So 0:18:15.200 --> 0:18:16.800 things that usually don't tick us off, they're going to 0:18:16.880 --> 0:18:19.120 tick us off. It also can come down to our 0:18:19.240 --> 0:18:21.399 attachment style. And if you guys don't know too much 0:18:21.440 --> 0:18:26.159 about this, your attachment style describes people's comfort and confidence 0:18:26.160 --> 0:18:30.439 in close relationships, fear of rejection and yearning for intimacy, 0:18:31.040 --> 0:18:35.439 and also preference for self sufficiency or interpersonal distance. So 0:18:35.440 --> 0:18:37.160 obviously you know you've got your people who are very 0:18:37.400 --> 0:18:40.080 independent and then people who are really closed off. So 0:18:40.119 --> 0:18:43.199 there's usually four attachment styles. So one is secure, so 0:18:43.240 --> 0:18:47.640 you're warm and caring trusting and forgiving, good boundaries, manage 0:18:47.680 --> 0:18:51.679 emotions really well. You're responsive and you're honest and open, 0:18:51.920 --> 0:18:54.080 so that's where you want to be. But then there's 0:18:54.080 --> 0:18:56.520 the other one. So we've got anxious, which is you 0:18:56.560 --> 0:19:00.800 have relationship in securities, fear of abandonment, You lack boundaries, 0:19:01.000 --> 0:19:05.879 and your mood fluctuates. You're highly sensitive and overly accommodating, 0:19:06.520 --> 0:19:10.680 ding ding ding steph pace. That is me. But I'm 0:19:10.680 --> 0:19:14.520 also a bit of an avoidant attachment style, which is 0:19:15.280 --> 0:19:21.359 fear of closeness, distant and withdrawn, you avoid conflict, extreme independence, 0:19:21.920 --> 0:19:25.919 emotionally distant, unresponsive to partner, and you're logical, so I 0:19:25.920 --> 0:19:28.600 can fall into that quite quickly. I kind of call 0:19:28.600 --> 0:19:31.439 it this putting my walls up. And again, this is 0:19:31.440 --> 0:19:34.200 something I kind of just taught myself from childhood when 0:19:34.240 --> 0:19:37.400 I wasn't like nurtured when I was needed, like when 0:19:37.440 --> 0:19:38.919 I needed it, and it was just something I just 0:19:38.920 --> 0:19:43.159 did to like protect my emotions because I didn't like, Yeah, 0:19:43.359 --> 0:19:44.879 I won't go into it in this episode, but you 0:19:44.920 --> 0:19:47.520 get my gist. And then the last one is disorganized, 0:19:47.560 --> 0:19:51.399 so unable to self regulate, you find intimacy and trust 0:19:51.440 --> 0:19:55.160 difficult tendency to dissociate. Oh god, this is me as well, 0:19:55.440 --> 0:19:58.760 lack of empathy, which is not me wants closeness but 0:19:59.359 --> 0:20:02.880 fearful of So there are different types of attachment styles 0:20:02.920 --> 0:20:05.560 and this a lot of these things obviously can cause 0:20:05.600 --> 0:20:10.320 different triggers. And then of course cultural and society expectations. 0:20:10.359 --> 0:20:12.560 So again, as a mother, we feel like we have 0:20:12.600 --> 0:20:15.000 to be nurturing all the time and we can't get 0:20:15.000 --> 0:20:17.880 angry or resentful towards our kids, and this can cause 0:20:17.960 --> 0:20:20.560