Speaker 1: I got our team. Hope you're bloody terrific. Have you
Speaker 1: ever had a friend and you got to the point
Speaker 1: with that friend, with that friendship, and you thought, yeah,
Speaker 1: this doesn't feel much like a friendship, or this feels this,
Speaker 1: this feels somewhat toxic. I'm not feeling the love, I'm
Speaker 1: not feeling the kindness. I'm it's a little bit one way.
Speaker 1: I don't know that this is healthy. You know, it's
Speaker 1: like they call themselves a friend, but everything else is
Speaker 1: almost the up, like the there's the label, but there's
Speaker 1: not really the behavior. There's not the expression, there's not
Speaker 1: the connection, there's not the love, there's not the kindness,
Speaker 1: there's not the support, and it's almost like, yes, we
Speaker 1: kind of know each other well, and it might be
Speaker 1: because we grew up together, or because we work in
Speaker 1: the same joint together, or it might be just the situation,
Speaker 1: circumstance environment that you happen to know that person quite well,
Speaker 1: so therefore you we're friends. But then I don't know.
Speaker 1: I feel like with friendship there needs to be certain
Speaker 1: criteria that are met, and there are certain things that
Speaker 1: might happen. There might be certain things happening in a
Speaker 1: in inverted commas friendship that to me would say that's
Speaker 1: probably either not a friendship, it's just a person you know,
Speaker 1: or it's a friendship that's in need of work, or
Speaker 1: perhaps it's a completely toxic, unhealthy relationship masquerading as a friendship.
Speaker 1: And I've had a lot of people over the years.
Speaker 1: I have, by the way, I have some great fucking friends.
Speaker 1: I have friends that are awesome and beautiful and love
Speaker 1: me and you know, support me and care about me
Speaker 1: and also tell me I'm a dickhead if I'm being
Speaker 1: a dickhead, but done the right way the right time,
Speaker 1: with the right energy. So I get all of that.
Speaker 1: But I've also had people over my journey, as have you.
Speaker 1: I am sure, who would present themselves as friends, but
Speaker 1: when my value to them expired, when I was no
Speaker 1: longer valuable to them in a way that I had
Speaker 1: previously been they'd gotten everything they need, they would disappear.
Speaker 1: So there's the persona, the friend persona, and then there's
Speaker 1: the person behind the bullshit, and sometimes there's a bit
Speaker 1: of bullshit. And if I'm being completely self aware and
Speaker 1: vulnerable and honest, I guess I have also not been
Speaker 1: a brilliant friend to people at times that has never
Speaker 1: been my intention. But I am sure that if I
Speaker 1: did a deep dive and a deep reflection, that I
Speaker 1: would discover that I had been a shit friend at times. Two.
Speaker 1: So I think when we're doing reflection and we're talking
Speaker 1: about problems in our life and we're talking about relationships
Speaker 1: and interpersonal things, I think it's also good to ask
Speaker 1: have I done this? Do I do this? Am I
Speaker 1: part of the problem or what part of the problem
Speaker 1: am I? So there are some what I would say
Speaker 1: red flags that I want to share with you that
Speaker 1: might indicate that it might be time either to talk
Speaker 1: to a person, to walk away from a person, to
Speaker 1: try to fix a friendship, or perhaps dissolve a friendship.
Speaker 1: And I don't think that this needs to be a
Speaker 1: melo dramatic life changing event. I don't think it needs
Speaker 1: to be painful and horrible or confrontational. I just think
Speaker 1: that we need to think about I just think that
Speaker 1: we need to think about I just think that we
Speaker 1: need to think about where and in whom and how
Speaker 1: we invest our time and energy. Now that's not to
Speaker 1: say that relationships need to be strategic, of course, but
Speaker 1: I do think we need to apart from the emotion
Speaker 1: and the emotional connection, we also need to have an
Speaker 1: awareness around whether or not this particular relationship or this
Speaker 1: particular person is healthy for me, or they add value
Speaker 1: to my life. I try to add value to all
Speaker 1: of my friends' lives. I don't always do it, but
Speaker 1: I really try to. And of course it's not like
Speaker 1: they're an asset that we've brought into the situation. But
Speaker 1: at the same time, if it's a very very lopsided relationship,
Speaker 1: if it's a one way friendship, if it's a one
Speaker 1: way relationship, then I would say that's not a friendship.
Speaker 1: I would say, if you associate more negative than positive
Speaker 1: emotions with a person, then you might go, oh, this,
Speaker 1: I don't know. Maybe this technically is a friendship, but
Speaker 1: experiential it feels like dogshit. Experientially it feels like dogshit.
Speaker 1: So you know, that's up to you to figure out.
Speaker 1: But if you are, for example, regularly given feedback or
Speaker 1: judgment or direction or coercion that you haven't sought from somebody,
Speaker 1: If somebody's telling you what you should do and why
Speaker 1: and how, and you didn't seek that out, you didn't
Speaker 1: you didn't want advice you didn't want judgment or feedback.
Speaker 1: You haven't sought that. But that's a constant occurrence. Also
Speaker 1: a red flag if the relationship, the friendship is driven
Speaker 1: by one person, like, for example, you work really hard,
Speaker 1: you're really kind, you're really thoughtful. You always ring them
Speaker 1: how are you? Are you okay? How's your dad? How's
Speaker 1: your kids? What's going on? Can I do anything for you?
Speaker 1: Your kind and you're generous and you're thoughtful, But that's
Speaker 1: a one way kind of transaction. Then also, you know,
Speaker 1: don't compromise yourself that way. It's nice to be nice,
Speaker 1: it's nice to be generous and kind and supportive, and
Speaker 1: we don't do things to get something back. But if
Speaker 1: we are genuinely thinking, well, this is a relationship, that
Speaker 1: is a friendship, then there needs to be a little
Speaker 1: bit of something in return. Otherwise that person's not a friend.
Speaker 1: They're just a project that you're investing time and energy in.
Speaker 1: And if you're cool with that, and you're cool with
Speaker 1: the dynamics of that, then identify it for what it is.
Speaker 1: But that one way kind of love and connection and
Speaker 1: kindness and support one way, that's not friendship. Also, when
Speaker 1: somebody has an opinion or an idea or a belief
Speaker 1: that they are always ramming down your throat and they
Speaker 1: want you to think like them, to be like them,
Speaker 1: to share their beliefs and ideas and values. And if
Speaker 1: you don't listen to them, and if you don't align
Speaker 1: with them, and you don't believe or live or eat
Speaker 1: or whatever it is. In other words, if their operating
Speaker 1: system is not your operating system, or they're thinking is
Speaker 1: not your thinking, there's a problem. You need to be
Speaker 1: like me. I can't believe you don't support me in this. Again,
Speaker 1: bullshit not friendship. In fact, if you only have friends
Speaker 1: who think like you, if you only have friends who
Speaker 1: are basically another version of you, you're in a cult.
Speaker 1: You're in a cult of thoughts and a cult of behavior.
Speaker 1: Diversity is great, and if you can't connect with other
Speaker 1: people who don't necessarily share the same kind of ideas
Speaker 1: or behaviors or habits as you, that's definitely something to
Speaker 1: think about. I think we need diversity. I mean, you're
Speaker 1: going to connect with who you connect with, of course,
Speaker 1: but when people our friends need to meet a certain criteria.
Speaker 1: In other words, you know, you need to be kind
Speaker 1: of a version of me to be my friend. Well,
Speaker 1: then whether or not that's coming from you or coming
Speaker 1: from them, that's a problem. Also, I guess when you
Speaker 1: are an emotional dumping ground from people for people or
Speaker 1: a friend of convenience, When you only hear from people
Speaker 1: when they need or want something, they appear and disappear
Speaker 1: on planet you when it suits them. There are people
Speaker 1: that I know and I by the way, I don't
Speaker 1: dislike these people. I just wouldn't call them close friends.
Speaker 1: But there's I'm thinking to someone right now, and there's
Speaker 1: a fair chance you know this person because this person
Speaker 1: has a profile. But anyway, this person and five or
Speaker 1: ten others, I only hear from these people when they
Speaker 1: need something from me. There's a bunch of people that
Speaker 1: I know pretty well. Don't dislike them, but they're not friends.
Speaker 1: They're just people I know pretty well. But they would
Speaker 1: tell others that I'm their friend because that suits them
Speaker 1: at times. And also they'll reach out to me when
Speaker 1: they need something, but they will never reach out to
Speaker 1: see if I need anything, and I'm good, I don't
Speaker 1: need anything, but it'd be nice again if it wasn't
Speaker 1: the one way thing. I guess. Also, you know red
Speaker 1: flags when your life or your welfare or happiness is
Speaker 1: you know, not really of any interest to them. They
Speaker 1: don't even really know. I worked with a guy I
Speaker 1: can't say too much, but for quite a while, what
Speaker 1: like years, in a capacity I can't say too much,
Speaker 1: but it's fair to know that I know a lot
Speaker 1: about this person, a real lot, because we had rock
Speaker 1: bottom hundreds of conversations about him and his stuff. This
Speaker 1: guy wouldn't even know if I was married. That's how
Speaker 1: little interest he took in me and my life every time.
Speaker 1: But he would tell people we're friends, and it's I'm
Speaker 1: okay with that, but we're not friends. He's just a
Speaker 1: guy that I know well. He doesn't love me, he
Speaker 1: doesn't care about me, he doesn't support me, and that's
Speaker 1: okay too. There's no self pity here. But I think
Speaker 1: it's just really important that we clarify what is friendship
Speaker 1: and also what am I investing my time and energy in?
Speaker 1: And who am I investing my time and energy in?
Speaker 1: And is this And if I'm investing time and energy
Speaker 1: in people where there's nothing in it for me in
Speaker 1: inverted commas, that's totally fine, and I choose to do that.
Speaker 1: That's totally fine. But I think that I think that
Speaker 1: we all need people in our life who are genuine friends.
Speaker 1: I think if you have three or four fucking amazing friends,
Speaker 1: then you're doing great. I think that you know, when
Speaker 1: a friendship is conditional based upon your value to the
Speaker 1: other person, that's not great. But when you when you
Speaker 1: have somebody on planet you and if it's one person, unfortunate.
Speaker 1: I have a few amazing friends who just fucking love me.
Speaker 1: I don't know why they do, but I'm glad they do.
Speaker 1: They support me. Would matter what my job was, wouldn't matter.
Speaker 1: You know that if I was a moro on they
Speaker 1: would tell me that. If I was doing bad shit,
Speaker 1: they would tell me that. But for the most part,
Speaker 1: these are unconditional friendships. So know when to unfriend my
Speaker 1: friends better to make the decision, Like I said, doesn't
Speaker 1: need to be a big melodramatic moment, doesn't need to
Speaker 1: be a big kind of confrontation or anything. But sometimes
Speaker 1: it just means stepping away quietly and you know, utilizing
Speaker 1: your time and your energy and your love in a
Speaker 1: different way. See you next time.