1 00:00:00,520 --> 00:00:02,800 Speaker 1: I got our team. Hope you're bloody terrific. Have you 2 00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:06,280 Speaker 1: ever had a friend and you got to the point 3 00:00:06,320 --> 00:00:09,480 Speaker 1: with that friend, with that friendship, and you thought, yeah, 4 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:15,280 Speaker 1: this doesn't feel much like a friendship, or this feels this, 5 00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:19,239 Speaker 1: this feels somewhat toxic. I'm not feeling the love, I'm 6 00:00:19,239 --> 00:00:22,400 Speaker 1: not feeling the kindness. I'm it's a little bit one way. 7 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:25,320 Speaker 1: I don't know that this is healthy. You know, it's 8 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:29,840 Speaker 1: like they call themselves friend, but everything else is almost 9 00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:32,920 Speaker 1: the ups Like there's the label, but there's not really 10 00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:36,280 Speaker 1: the behavior. There's not the expression, there's not the connection, 11 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:38,839 Speaker 1: there's not the love, there's not the kindness, there's not 12 00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:43,239 Speaker 1: the support, and it's almost like, yes, we kind of 13 00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:46,040 Speaker 1: know each other well, and it might be because we 14 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:48,840 Speaker 1: grew up together, or because we work in the same 15 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:53,280 Speaker 1: joint together, or it might be just the situation, circumstance 16 00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:56,840 Speaker 1: environment that you happen to know that person quite well, 17 00:00:57,200 --> 00:01:00,480 Speaker 1: so therefore you we're friends. But then I don't know. 18 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:04,880 Speaker 1: I feel like with friendship there needs to be certain 19 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:09,200 Speaker 1: criteria that are met, and there are certain things that 20 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:12,280 Speaker 1: might happen. There might be certain things happening in a 21 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:15,679 Speaker 1: in inverted Commas friendship that to me would say that's 22 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:19,280 Speaker 1: probably either not a friendship, it's just a person you know, 23 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:24,920 Speaker 1: or it's a friendship that's in need of work, or 24 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:31,400 Speaker 1: perhaps it's a completely toxic, unhealthy relationship masquerading as a friendship. 25 00:01:32,319 --> 00:01:34,839 Speaker 1: And I've had a lot of people over the years. 26 00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:37,399 Speaker 1: I have, by the way, I have some great fucking friends. 27 00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:39,319 Speaker 1: I have friends that are awesome and beautiful and love 28 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:43,480 Speaker 1: me and you know, support me and care about me 29 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:45,840 Speaker 1: and also tell me I'm a dickhead if I'm being 30 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:48,360 Speaker 1: a dickhead, but done the right way the right time, 31 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,840 Speaker 1: with the right energy. So I get all of that. 32 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:54,600 Speaker 1: But I've also had people over my journey, as have you. 33 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:59,200 Speaker 1: I am sure, who would present themselves as friends, but 34 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:03,760 Speaker 1: when my value to them expired, when I was no 35 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:07,240 Speaker 1: longer valuable to them in a way that I had 36 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:11,200 Speaker 1: previously been they'd gotten everything they need, they would disappear. 37 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:15,960 Speaker 1: So there's the persona, the friend persona, and then there's 38 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,400 Speaker 1: the person behind the bullshit, and sometimes there's a bit 39 00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:22,200 Speaker 1: of bullshit. And if I'm being completely self aware and 40 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:27,000 Speaker 1: vulnerable and honest, I guess I have also not been 41 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:30,440 Speaker 1: a brilliant friend to people at times. That has never 42 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:34,480 Speaker 1: been my intention. But I am sure that if I 43 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:37,320 Speaker 1: did a deep dive and a deep reflection, that I 44 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:41,359 Speaker 1: would discover that I had been a shit friend at times. Two. 45 00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:45,519 Speaker 1: So I think when we're doing reflection and we're talking 46 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:48,960 Speaker 1: about problems in our life, and we're talking about relationships 47 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:52,960 Speaker 1: and interpersonal things, I think it's also good to ask 48 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,080 Speaker 1: have I done this? Do I do this? Am I 49 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:58,360 Speaker 1: part of the problem or what part of the problem 50 00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:02,360 Speaker 1: am I? So there are some what I would say 51 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:06,560 Speaker 1: red flags that I want to share with you that 52 00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:11,800 Speaker 1: might indicate that it might be time either to talk 53 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:15,560 Speaker 1: to a person, to walk away from a person, to 54 00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:19,880 Speaker 1: try to fix a friendship, or perhaps dissolve a friendship. 55 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:23,600 Speaker 1: And I don't think that this needs to be a 56 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:29,800 Speaker 1: melo dramatic life changing event. I don't think it needs 57 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:35,640 Speaker 1: to be painful and horrible or confrontational. I just think 58 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:38,640 Speaker 1: that we need to think about I just think that 59 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:40,640 Speaker 1: we need to think about I just think that we 60 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:46,680 Speaker 1: need to think about where and in whom and how 61 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:50,600 Speaker 1: we invest our time and energy. Now that's not to 62 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:54,960 Speaker 1: say that relationships need to be strategic, of course, but 63 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,480 Speaker 1: I do think we need to Apart from the emotion 64 00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:02,360 Speaker 1: and the emotional connection, we also need to have an 65 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:06,480 Speaker 1: awareness around whether or not this particular relationship or this 66 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:11,080 Speaker 1: particular person is healthy for me, or they add value 67 00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:14,520 Speaker 1: to my life. I try to add value to all 68 00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:16,680 Speaker 1: of my friends' lives. I don't always do it, but 69 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:19,760 Speaker 1: I really try to. And of course it's not like 70 00:04:19,839 --> 00:04:22,919 Speaker 1: they're an asset that we've brought into the situation. But 71 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:28,040 Speaker 1: at the same time, if it's a very very lopsided relationship, 72 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:30,760 Speaker 1: if it's a one way friendship, if it's a one 73 00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:34,640 Speaker 1: way relationship, then I would say that's not a friendship. 74 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:40,560 Speaker 1: I would say, if you associate more negative than positive 75 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:48,000 Speaker 1: emotions with a person, then you might go, oh, this, 76 00:04:48,279 --> 00:04:51,120 Speaker 1: I don't know. Maybe this technically is a friendship, but 77 00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:55,000 Speaker 1: experiential it feels like dogshit. Experientially it feels like dogshit. 78 00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:59,200 Speaker 1: So you know, that's up to you to figure out. 79 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:03,880 Speaker 1: But if you are, for example, regularly given feedback or 80 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:10,760 Speaker 1: judgment or direction or coercion that you haven't sought from somebody, 81 00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:12,920 Speaker 1: If somebody's telling you what you should do and why 82 00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:15,000 Speaker 1: and how, and you didn't seek that out, you didn't 83 00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:18,080 Speaker 1: you didn't want advice, You didn't want judgment or feedback. 84 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:23,159 Speaker 1: You haven't sought that. But that's a constant occurrence. Also 85 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:27,200 Speaker 1: a red flag if the relationship, the friendship is driven 86 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:31,480 Speaker 1: by one person, like, for example, you work really hard, 87 00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:34,440 Speaker 1: you're really kind, you're really thoughtful. You always ring them 88 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:37,440 Speaker 1: how are you? Are you okay? How's your dad? How's 89 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:40,320 Speaker 1: your kids? What's going on? Can I do anything for you? 90 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:43,960 Speaker 1: Your kind and you're generous and you're thoughtful, But that's 91 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:49,279 Speaker 1: a one way kind of transaction. Then also, you know, 92 00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:53,799 Speaker 1: don't compromise yourself that way. It's nice to be nice, 93 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:57,320 Speaker 1: it's nice to be generous and kind and supportive, and 94 00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:59,960 Speaker 1: we don't do things to get something back. But if 95 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:03,920 Speaker 1: if we are genuinely thinking, well, this is a relationship, 96 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,520 Speaker 1: that is a friendship, then there needs to be a 97 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:10,400 Speaker 1: little bit of something in return. Otherwise that person's not 98 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:12,880 Speaker 1: a friend. They're just a project that you're investing time 99 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:15,600 Speaker 1: and energy in. And if you're cool with that, and 100 00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:18,280 Speaker 1: you're cool with the dynamics of that, then identify it 101 00:06:18,279 --> 00:06:22,279 Speaker 1: for what it is. But that one way kind of 102 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:26,320 Speaker 1: love and connection and kindness and support one way, that's 103 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:30,600 Speaker 1: not friendship. Also, when somebody has an opinion or an 104 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:35,359 Speaker 1: idea or a belief that they are always ramming down 105 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:39,200 Speaker 1: your throat and they want you to think like them, 106 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:42,400 Speaker 1: to be like them, to share their beliefs and ideas 107 00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:45,599 Speaker 1: and values. And if you don't listen to them, and 108 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:48,279 Speaker 1: if you don't align with them, and you don't believe 109 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:51,720 Speaker 1: or live or eat or whatever it is. In other words, 110 00:06:51,839 --> 00:06:54,960 Speaker 1: if their operating system is not your operating system, or 111 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:58,440 Speaker 1: they're thinking is not your thinking, there's a problem. You 112 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:01,080 Speaker 1: need to be like me. I can't believe you don't 113 00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:06,080 Speaker 1: support me in this. Again, bullshit not friendship. In fact, 114 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:10,640 Speaker 1: if you only have friends who think like you, if 115 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:15,280 Speaker 1: you only have friends who are basically another version of you, 116 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:18,920 Speaker 1: you're in a cult. You're in a cult of thoughts 117 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:24,720 Speaker 1: and a cult of behavior. Diversity is great, and if 118 00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:29,800 Speaker 1: you can't connect with other people who don't necessarily share 119 00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:34,960 Speaker 1: the same kind of ideas or behaviors or habits as you, 120 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:40,560 Speaker 1: that's definitely something to think about. I think we need diversity. 121 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,480 Speaker 1: I mean, you're going to connect with who you connect with, 122 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:48,360 Speaker 1: of course, but when people our friends need to meet 123 00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:53,440 Speaker 1: a certain criteria. In other words, you know, you need 124 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:55,840 Speaker 1: to be kind of a version of me to be 125 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,360 Speaker 1: my friend. Well, then whether or not that's coming from 126 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:03,640 Speaker 1: you or coming from them, that's a problem. Also, I 127 00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:10,880 Speaker 1: guess when you are an emotional dumping ground from people 128 00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:17,119 Speaker 1: for people or a friend of convenience, When you only 129 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:20,800 Speaker 1: hear from people when they need or want something, they 130 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:23,920 Speaker 1: appear and disappear on planet you when it suits them. 131 00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:28,600 Speaker 1: There are people that I know and I by the way, 132 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:32,000 Speaker 1: I don't dislike these people. I just wouldn't call them 133 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:37,200 Speaker 1: close friends. But there's I'm thinking to someone right now, 134 00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:39,400 Speaker 1: and there's a fair chance you know this person because 135 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:42,880 Speaker 1: this person has a profile. But anyway, this person and 136 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,800 Speaker 1: five or ten others, I only hear from these people 137 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:51,719 Speaker 1: when they need something from me. There's a bunch of 138 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:54,840 Speaker 1: people that I know pretty well. Don't dislike them, but 139 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:57,400 Speaker 1: they're not friends. They're just people I know pretty well. 140 00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:00,440 Speaker 1: But they would tell others that I'm their friend because 141 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:04,280 Speaker 1: that suits them at times. And also they'll reach out 142 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,800 Speaker 1: to me when they need something, but they will never 143 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:11,360 Speaker 1: reach out to see if I need anything, and I'm good, 144 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:15,160 Speaker 1: I don't need anything, but it'd be nice again if 145 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:19,200 Speaker 1: it wasn't the one way thing. I guess. Also, you 146 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:23,960 Speaker 1: know red flags when your life or your welfare or 147 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:28,880 Speaker 1: happiness is you know, not really of any interest to them. 148 00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:35,199 Speaker 1: They don't even really know. I worked with a guy 149 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:38,040 Speaker 1: I can't say too much, but for quite a while, 150 00:09:38,559 --> 00:09:43,679 Speaker 1: what like years, in a capacity I can't say too much, 151 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:45,680 Speaker 1: but it's fair to know that I know a lot 152 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:48,640 Speaker 1: about this person, a real lot, because we had rock 153 00:09:48,679 --> 00:09:53,600 Speaker 1: bottom hundreds of conversations about him and his stuff. This 154 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:57,120 Speaker 1: guy wouldn't even know if I was married. That's how 155 00:09:57,160 --> 00:10:00,760 Speaker 1: little interest he took in me and my life every time. 156 00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:04,920 Speaker 1: But he would tell people we're friends, and it's I'm 157 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:07,440 Speaker 1: okay with that, but we're not friends. He's just a 158 00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:09,719 Speaker 1: guy that I know well. He doesn't love me, he 159 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:11,920 Speaker 1: doesn't care about me, he doesn't support me, and that's 160 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,480 Speaker 1: okay too. There's no self pity here. But I think 161 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:17,679 Speaker 1: it's just really important that we clarify what is friendship 162 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,840 Speaker 1: and also what am I investing my time and energy in? 163 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,200 Speaker 1: And who am I investing my time and energy in? 164 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:26,319 Speaker 1: And is this And if I'm investing time and energy 165 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:29,760 Speaker 1: in people where there's nothing in it for me in 166 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:33,480 Speaker 1: inverted commas, that's totally fine, and I choose to do that. 167 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:36,720 Speaker 1: That's totally fine. But I think that I think that 168 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:39,880 Speaker 1: we all need people in our life who are genuine friends. 169 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:44,360 Speaker 1: I think if you have three or four fucking amazing friends, 170 00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:49,640 Speaker 1: then you're doing great. I think that you know, when 171 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:53,680 Speaker 1: a friendship is conditional based upon your value to the 172 00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:57,640 Speaker 1: other person, that's not great. But when you when you 173 00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:00,760 Speaker 1: have somebody on planet, you even and if it's one 174 00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:07,160 Speaker 1: person unfortunate. I have a few amazing friends who just 175 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,000 Speaker 1: fucking love me. I don't know why they do, but 176 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:11,880 Speaker 1: I'm glad they do. They support me. Would matter what 177 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:14,760 Speaker 1: my job was, would matter. You know that if I 178 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,800 Speaker 1: was a moro on they would tell me that. If 179 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:18,640 Speaker 1: I was doing bad shit, they would tell me that. 180 00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:26,920 Speaker 1: But for the most part, these are unconditional friendships. So 181 00:11:27,559 --> 00:11:32,320 Speaker 1: know when to unfriend my friends better to make the decision, 182 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,760 Speaker 1: Like I said, doesn't need to be a big melodramatic moment, 183 00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:40,560 Speaker 1: doesn't need to be a big kind of confrontation or anything. 184 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:45,400 Speaker 1: But sometimes it just means stepping away quietly and you know, 185 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:49,920 Speaker 1: utilizing your time and your energy and your love in 186 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,600 Speaker 1: a different way. See you next time.