1 00:00:00,560 --> 00:00:02,800 Speaker 1: I got our team. Hope you're bloody terrific. Have you 2 00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:06,320 Speaker 1: ever had a friend and you got to the point 3 00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:09,440 Speaker 1: with that friend, with that friendship, and you thought, yeah, 4 00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:15,320 Speaker 1: this doesn't feel much like a friendship, or this feels this, 5 00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:19,239 Speaker 1: this feels somewhat toxic. I'm not feeling the love, I'm 6 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:22,439 Speaker 1: not feeling the kindness. I'm it's a little bit one way. 7 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:25,319 Speaker 1: I don't know that this is healthy. You know, it's 8 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:29,320 Speaker 1: like they call themselves a friend, but everything else is 9 00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:32,320 Speaker 1: almost the up, like the there's the label, but there's 10 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:35,640 Speaker 1: not really the behavior. There's not the expression, there's not 11 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:38,519 Speaker 1: the connection, there's not the love, there's not the kindness, 12 00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:42,720 Speaker 1: there's not the support, and it's almost like, yes, we 13 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:45,520 Speaker 1: kind of know each other well, and it might be 14 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:48,479 Speaker 1: because we grew up together, or because we work in 15 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:52,360 Speaker 1: the same joint together, or it might be just the situation, 16 00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:56,840 Speaker 1: circumstance environment that you happen to know that person quite well, 17 00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:00,520 Speaker 1: so therefore you we're friends. But then I don't know. 18 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:04,880 Speaker 1: I feel like with friendship there needs to be certain 19 00:01:04,959 --> 00:01:09,240 Speaker 1: criteria that are met, and there are certain things that 20 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:12,280 Speaker 1: might happen. There might be certain things happening in a 21 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:15,720 Speaker 1: in inverted commas friendship that to me would say that's 22 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:19,319 Speaker 1: probably either not a friendship, it's just a person you know, 23 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:24,959 Speaker 1: or it's a friendship that's in need of work, or 24 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:31,440 Speaker 1: perhaps it's a completely toxic, unhealthy relationship masquerading as a friendship. 25 00:01:32,319 --> 00:01:34,880 Speaker 1: And I've had a lot of people over the years. 26 00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:37,400 Speaker 1: I have, by the way, I have some great fucking friends. 27 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:39,360 Speaker 1: I have friends that are awesome and beautiful and love 28 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:43,520 Speaker 1: me and you know, support me and care about me 29 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:45,880 Speaker 1: and also tell me I'm a dickhead if I'm being 30 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:48,360 Speaker 1: a dickhead, but done the right way the right time, 31 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,880 Speaker 1: with the right energy. So I get all of that. 32 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:54,600 Speaker 1: But I've also had people over my journey, as have you. 33 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:59,240 Speaker 1: I am sure, who would present themselves as friends, but 34 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:03,800 Speaker 1: when my value to them expired, when I was no 35 00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:07,280 Speaker 1: longer valuable to them in a way that I had 36 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:11,200 Speaker 1: previously been they'd gotten everything they need, they would disappear. 37 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:15,959 Speaker 1: So there's the persona, the friend persona, and then there's 38 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,400 Speaker 1: the person behind the bullshit, and sometimes there's a bit 39 00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:22,240 Speaker 1: of bullshit. And if I'm being completely self aware and 40 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:27,000 Speaker 1: vulnerable and honest, I guess I have also not been 41 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:30,480 Speaker 1: a brilliant friend to people at times that has never 42 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:34,760 Speaker 1: been my intention. But I am sure that if I 43 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:37,320 Speaker 1: did a deep dive and a deep reflection, that I 44 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:41,359 Speaker 1: would discover that I had been a shit friend at times. Two. 45 00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:45,560 Speaker 1: So I think when we're doing reflection and we're talking 46 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:48,960 Speaker 1: about problems in our life and we're talking about relationships 47 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:53,000 Speaker 1: and interpersonal things, I think it's also good to ask 48 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,080 Speaker 1: have I done this? Do I do this? Am I 49 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:58,400 Speaker 1: part of the problem or what part of the problem 50 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:02,359 Speaker 1: am I? So there are some what I would say 51 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:06,560 Speaker 1: red flags that I want to share with you that 52 00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:11,840 Speaker 1: might indicate that it might be time either to talk 53 00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:15,600 Speaker 1: to a person, to walk away from a person, to 54 00:03:15,639 --> 00:03:19,919 Speaker 1: try to fix a friendship, or perhaps dissolve a friendship. 55 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:23,640 Speaker 1: And I don't think that this needs to be a 56 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:29,840 Speaker 1: melo dramatic life changing event. I don't think it needs 57 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:35,640 Speaker 1: to be painful and horrible or confrontational. I just think 58 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:38,640 Speaker 1: that we need to think about I just think that 59 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:40,680 Speaker 1: we need to think about I just think that we 60 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:46,720 Speaker 1: need to think about where and in whom and how 61 00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:50,640 Speaker 1: we invest our time and energy. Now that's not to 62 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:54,960 Speaker 1: say that relationships need to be strategic, of course, but 63 00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:57,520 Speaker 1: I do think we need to apart from the emotion 64 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:02,400 Speaker 1: and the emotional connection, we also need to have an 65 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:06,520 Speaker 1: awareness around whether or not this particular relationship or this 66 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:11,120 Speaker 1: particular person is healthy for me, or they add value 67 00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:14,560 Speaker 1: to my life. I try to add value to all 68 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:16,680 Speaker 1: of my friends' lives. I don't always do it, but 69 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:19,800 Speaker 1: I really try to. And of course it's not like 70 00:04:19,839 --> 00:04:22,919 Speaker 1: they're an asset that we've brought into the situation. But 71 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:28,080 Speaker 1: at the same time, if it's a very very lopsided relationship, 72 00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:30,800 Speaker 1: if it's a one way friendship, if it's a one 73 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:34,680 Speaker 1: way relationship, then I would say that's not a friendship. 74 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:40,560 Speaker 1: I would say, if you associate more negative than positive 75 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:48,000 Speaker 1: emotions with a person, then you might go, oh, this, 76 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:51,120 Speaker 1: I don't know. Maybe this technically is a friendship, but 77 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:55,040 Speaker 1: experiential it feels like dogshit. Experientially it feels like dogshit. 78 00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:59,240 Speaker 1: So you know, that's up to you to figure out. 79 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:03,920 Speaker 1: But if you are, for example, regularly given feedback or 80 00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:10,799 Speaker 1: judgment or direction or coercion that you haven't sought from somebody, 81 00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:12,960 Speaker 1: If somebody's telling you what you should do and why 82 00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:15,040 Speaker 1: and how, and you didn't seek that out, you didn't 83 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:18,120 Speaker 1: you didn't want advice you didn't want judgment or feedback. 84 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:23,200 Speaker 1: You haven't sought that. But that's a constant occurrence. Also 85 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:27,240 Speaker 1: a red flag if the relationship, the friendship is driven 86 00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:31,520 Speaker 1: by one person, like, for example, you work really hard, 87 00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:34,440 Speaker 1: you're really kind, you're really thoughtful. You always ring them 88 00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:37,440 Speaker 1: how are you? Are you okay? How's your dad? How's 89 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:40,360 Speaker 1: your kids? What's going on? Can I do anything for you? 90 00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:44,000 Speaker 1: Your kind and you're generous and you're thoughtful, But that's 91 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:49,320 Speaker 1: a one way kind of transaction. Then also, you know, 92 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,800 Speaker 1: don't compromise yourself that way. It's nice to be nice, 93 00:05:53,839 --> 00:05:57,320 Speaker 1: it's nice to be generous and kind and supportive, and 94 00:05:57,360 --> 00:06:00,000 Speaker 1: we don't do things to get something back. But if 95 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:04,080 Speaker 1: we are genuinely thinking, well, this is a relationship, that 96 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,800 Speaker 1: is a friendship, then there needs to be a little 97 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:10,800 Speaker 1: bit of something in return. Otherwise that person's not a friend. 98 00:06:10,839 --> 00:06:13,560 Speaker 1: They're just a project that you're investing time and energy in. 99 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:16,200 Speaker 1: And if you're cool with that, and you're cool with 100 00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:19,000 Speaker 1: the dynamics of that, then identify it for what it is. 101 00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:23,960 Speaker 1: But that one way kind of love and connection and 102 00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:28,760 Speaker 1: kindness and support one way, that's not friendship. Also, when 103 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:33,080 Speaker 1: somebody has an opinion or an idea or a belief 104 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,599 Speaker 1: that they are always ramming down your throat and they 105 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:40,440 Speaker 1: want you to think like them, to be like them, 106 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:44,000 Speaker 1: to share their beliefs and ideas and values. And if 107 00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:46,919 Speaker 1: you don't listen to them, and if you don't align 108 00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:49,279 Speaker 1: with them, and you don't believe or live or eat 109 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:52,920 Speaker 1: or whatever it is. In other words, if their operating 110 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,920 Speaker 1: system is not your operating system, or they're thinking is 111 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:59,039 Speaker 1: not your thinking, there's a problem. You need to be 112 00:06:59,279 --> 00:07:02,360 Speaker 1: like me. I can't believe you don't support me in this. Again, 113 00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:08,279 Speaker 1: bullshit not friendship. In fact, if you only have friends 114 00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:12,080 Speaker 1: who think like you, if you only have friends who 115 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:16,200 Speaker 1: are basically another version of you, you're in a cult. 116 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,200 Speaker 1: You're in a cult of thoughts and a cult of behavior. 117 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:26,480 Speaker 1: Diversity is great, and if you can't connect with other 118 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:31,640 Speaker 1: people who don't necessarily share the same kind of ideas 119 00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:37,040 Speaker 1: or behaviors or habits as you, that's definitely something to 120 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:40,960 Speaker 1: think about. I think we need diversity. I mean, you're 121 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,040 Speaker 1: going to connect with who you connect with, of course, 122 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:50,280 Speaker 1: but when people our friends need to meet a certain criteria. 123 00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:54,280 Speaker 1: In other words, you know, you need to be kind 124 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,720 Speaker 1: of a version of me to be my friend. Well, 125 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:59,000 Speaker 1: then whether or not that's coming from you or coming 126 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:06,600 Speaker 1: from them, that's a problem. Also, I guess when you 127 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:12,920 Speaker 1: are an emotional dumping ground from people for people or 128 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:17,880 Speaker 1: a friend of convenience, When you only hear from people 129 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:22,160 Speaker 1: when they need or want something, they appear and disappear 130 00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:26,280 Speaker 1: on planet you when it suits them. There are people 131 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:29,800 Speaker 1: that I know and I by the way, I don't 132 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,760 Speaker 1: dislike these people. I just wouldn't call them close friends. 133 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:37,600 Speaker 1: But there's I'm thinking to someone right now, and there's 134 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,839 Speaker 1: a fair chance you know this person because this person 135 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:45,160 Speaker 1: has a profile. But anyway, this person and five or 136 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:48,840 Speaker 1: ten others, I only hear from these people when they 137 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:52,120 Speaker 1: need something from me. There's a bunch of people that 138 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:55,680 Speaker 1: I know pretty well. Don't dislike them, but they're not friends. 139 00:08:55,679 --> 00:08:58,320 Speaker 1: They're just people I know pretty well. But they would 140 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:01,240 Speaker 1: tell others that I'm their friend because that suits them 141 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:05,240 Speaker 1: at times. And also they'll reach out to me when 142 00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:08,560 Speaker 1: they need something, but they will never reach out to 143 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:11,760 Speaker 1: see if I need anything, and I'm good, I don't 144 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:15,800 Speaker 1: need anything, but it'd be nice again if it wasn't 145 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:19,720 Speaker 1: the one way thing. I guess. Also, you know red 146 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:25,000 Speaker 1: flags when your life or your welfare or happiness is 147 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:29,079 Speaker 1: you know, not really of any interest to them. They 148 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:35,800 Speaker 1: don't even really know. I worked with a guy I 149 00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:38,680 Speaker 1: can't say too much, but for quite a while, what 150 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:43,680 Speaker 1: like years, in a capacity I can't say too much, 151 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:45,679 Speaker 1: but it's fair to know that I know a lot 152 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:48,640 Speaker 1: about this person, a real lot, because we had rock 153 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:53,600 Speaker 1: bottom hundreds of conversations about him and his stuff. This 154 00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:57,160 Speaker 1: guy wouldn't even know if I was married. That's how 155 00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:00,800 Speaker 1: little interest he took in me and my life every time. 156 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:04,920 Speaker 1: But he would tell people we're friends, and it's I'm 157 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:07,480 Speaker 1: okay with that, but we're not friends. He's just a 158 00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:09,760 Speaker 1: guy that I know well. He doesn't love me, he 159 00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:11,960 Speaker 1: doesn't care about me, he doesn't support me, and that's 160 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,520 Speaker 1: okay too. There's no self pity here. But I think 161 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:17,719 Speaker 1: it's just really important that we clarify what is friendship 162 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:20,880 Speaker 1: and also what am I investing my time and energy in? 163 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:23,240 Speaker 1: And who am I investing my time and energy in? 164 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:26,319 Speaker 1: And is this And if I'm investing time and energy 165 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:29,800 Speaker 1: in people where there's nothing in it for me in 166 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:33,520 Speaker 1: inverted commas, that's totally fine, and I choose to do that. 167 00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:36,760 Speaker 1: That's totally fine. But I think that I think that 168 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:39,920 Speaker 1: we all need people in our life who are genuine friends. 169 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:44,400 Speaker 1: I think if you have three or four fucking amazing friends, 170 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:49,640 Speaker 1: then you're doing great. I think that you know, when 171 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:53,720 Speaker 1: a friendship is conditional based upon your value to the 172 00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:57,640 Speaker 1: other person, that's not great. But when you when you 173 00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:02,719 Speaker 1: have somebody on planet you and if it's one person, unfortunate. 174 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:07,880 Speaker 1: I have a few amazing friends who just fucking love me. 175 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:10,000 Speaker 1: I don't know why they do, but I'm glad they do. 176 00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:13,400 Speaker 1: They support me. Would matter what my job was, wouldn't matter. 177 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:15,880 Speaker 1: You know that if I was a moro on they 178 00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:17,840 Speaker 1: would tell me that. If I was doing bad shit, 179 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:19,760 Speaker 1: they would tell me that. But for the most part, 180 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:29,320 Speaker 1: these are unconditional friendships. So know when to unfriend my 181 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:33,920 Speaker 1: friends better to make the decision, Like I said, doesn't 182 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,559 Speaker 1: need to be a big melodramatic moment, doesn't need to 183 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:41,240 Speaker 1: be a big kind of confrontation or anything. But sometimes 184 00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:47,040 Speaker 1: it just means stepping away quietly and you know, utilizing 185 00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:50,080 Speaker 1: your time and your energy and your love in a 186 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:52,600 Speaker 1: different way. See you next time.