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Speaker 1: Apoday production.

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Speaker 2: We begin today by acknowledging the traditional custodians of the

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Speaker 2: land on which we gather today and pay our respects

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Speaker 2: to their elders past and present. We extend that respect

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Speaker 2: to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people's here today.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Grow and Glow Podcast. I'm Ashy, I'm Kiara.

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Speaker 2: This is a podcast where we learn, laugh, and level

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Speaker 2: up together.

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Speaker 1: Let's go deep, let.

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Speaker 3: The emotions flow, and find the lessons to grow and Glow.

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Speaker 1: Nothing is off the table with Grow and Glow and

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Speaker 1: we're here to be your expander.

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Speaker 3: Hello, guys, welcome.

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Speaker 1: Back to Grow and Hello. We're so excited today because

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Speaker 1: we have a really special guest that someone we both

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Speaker 1: worked with before.

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Speaker 3: I know, I'm so excited to have Brad Fannell here.

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Speaker 1: He is one of the most beautiful humans like I

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Speaker 1: have honestly ever met. Yeah, and he walks into a

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Speaker 1: room or you just speak to him or hear him

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Speaker 1: talk like you just literally feel his energy. He's incredible

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Speaker 1: and these episodes, you guys are going to get so

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Speaker 1: much out of Yeah. He's so open. He's very funny

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Speaker 1: as well and brings a bit of humor in there.

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Speaker 1: He's very deep, very spiritual, but also just like really

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Speaker 1: easy to relate to.

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Speaker 3: Yes, and very open.

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Speaker 1: We talk about it all. There's no ego with him. No,

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Speaker 1: let's get straight into it. Welcome to the podcast, Brad.

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Speaker 1: We're so excited to have you on board. Thanks for

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Speaker 1: joining us.

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Speaker 4: Thank you both.

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Speaker 1: Now, before we get started. Always on our Monday episodes,

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Speaker 1: we do a share of the Week where we share

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Speaker 1: something really cool, something we're enjoying. So we'd love to

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Speaker 1: hear from you, Just something that you want to share

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Speaker 1: with our audience that they might be interested in.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, something that just jumped out for me yesterday's surprise

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Speaker 4: was a classic book that I've always loved called The

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Speaker 4: dow to Chin, which is the traditional Dourist, the first

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Speaker 4: dourist book. And it just jumped out at me because

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Speaker 4: it's still relevant, Like it actually may be more relevant

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Speaker 4: for this time and age where we need to slow down,

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Speaker 4: we need to go more deep, we need to open

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Speaker 4: our hearts. All these kind of concepts are brought in

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Speaker 4: this book so by Laosu.

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Speaker 1: How long ago was it written?

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Speaker 4: About? Two thousand years ago?

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Speaker 1: Still be trending. Wow, they're on the money, they're on

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Speaker 1: the money.

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Speaker 4: That dude nailed it, And all.

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Speaker 1: Those conversations are so relevant now, like even more so

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Speaker 1: now I know I'm feeling and experiencing all of that

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Speaker 1: right now. I don't think a lot of people are

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Speaker 1: as well.

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Speaker 4: I think there's a collective, there's a feeling, and there

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Speaker 4: is this you know, achieving and going out and being

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Speaker 4: your best and pushing and driving. Love that, but there

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Speaker 4: is a time where you go and this one chapter

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Speaker 4: that really stuck out for me knowing when it's time

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Speaker 4: to rest.

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Speaker 1: That's the feels that's our vibe lately. Yeah, the whole

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Speaker 1: hustling and go go go and rushing and getting shit

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Speaker 1: done and achieving and it serves you until it doesn't.

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Speaker 4: Hey, yeah, I love that. That's why I'm got anti anything.

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Speaker 4: No is welcome as times and places, push out, push

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Speaker 4: your comfort zone, explore yourself all sorts of parts of you. Yes,

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Speaker 4: but then also no, I'm tired too. There's a classic

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Speaker 4: Taoist idea that we want to go with our flow,

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Speaker 4: the way the river flows, and often we don't. We

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Speaker 4: swim against the stream. The good news is is just

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Speaker 4: swim for a while. You'll eventually fatigue and you'll feel

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Speaker 4: your way.

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Speaker 1: What a great analogy.

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Speaker 4: This came up for me driving I'll just say this

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Speaker 4: quickly came out for me driving here today. I've just

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Speaker 4: brought a new car because we're off around Queensland in

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Speaker 4: Northern Territory and I'm not used to it. My old

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Speaker 4: car didn't have this technology where it drags you if

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Speaker 4: you go you know, this drags you back.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, And I.

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Speaker 4: Thought that's a metaphor for life. It's like we constantly

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Speaker 4: have this direction running through our life. That is kind

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Speaker 4: of I guess it's like our true north, what is

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Speaker 4: our direction? It's okay to go off, you know, we

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Speaker 4: all do that, we go in the wrong direction, but

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Speaker 4: as much as possible, we want to feel that gravity,

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Speaker 4: that feel that draws us back, takes us back into

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Speaker 4: our direction. So I thought of that driving up here,

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Speaker 4: as it's dragging me back.

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Speaker 1: I love that too.

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Speaker 4: On second, I know I don't want to I want

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Speaker 4: to go this way a little bit longer, and it

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Speaker 4: sort of says, okay, you can go a little bit longer,

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Speaker 4: but I'm watching you. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I absolutely love that, and just that like it's okay

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Speaker 1: to change your mind and do things differently. I got

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Speaker 1: a comment last night. It was very interesting. She was like,

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Speaker 1: because I've been talking a lot about, you know, closing

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Speaker 1: out my business and slowing down and being home with

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Speaker 1: the kids more and just being my feminine energy and

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Speaker 1: taking a breath. And yeah, she was like, Oh, you know,

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Speaker 1: you can't forget the influence you've had on the hustle culture.

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Speaker 1: You know, you were only just pushing this a few

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Speaker 1: years ago, and now you're a hypocrite. And I was like, wow,

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Speaker 1: that's so interesting how she's taking that on board from

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying. And I was like, I don't regret

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Speaker 1: anything that I've done. I loved my hustle season. I

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Speaker 1: loved everything I've achieved. I've ticked off so much more

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Speaker 1: than I ever thought possible, Like I do, wouldn't take

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Speaker 1: any of that back. But I'm in a totally different

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Speaker 1: season now. I have two children now, like I feel

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Speaker 1: like I've rebirthed And that's okay. Let's encourage more of

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Speaker 1: this to actually listen and tune into meeting ourselves where

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Speaker 1: we're at right now, not where we were a year

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Speaker 1: ago or five years ago. Like you're allowed to change.

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Speaker 1: That's a part of the human experience, and that's an

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Speaker 1: exciting part of it. But I think some people think

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Speaker 1: they need to remain the same and if they said

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Speaker 1: they're going to do something or they said they enjoyed something,

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Speaker 1: that they can't change their mind. But you so can.

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Speaker 1: Like he told you that you're not allowed to.

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Speaker 4: In the box of this is who you were, this

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Speaker 4: is who you have to be. Yep Alan what said

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Speaker 4: there's no problem in changing who you were from five

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Speaker 4: minutes ago. Yeah, I love that, absolutely love that. End

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Speaker 4: modeling the hustle culture would have also been exactly right

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Speaker 4: for some people. Definitely, if you're sitting on the couch,

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Speaker 4: you're twenty and you're watching TV all day, maybe get

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Speaker 4: off your ass and yeah, flat out and you're tired

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Speaker 4: and you're ignoring all your body symptoms. Yes, that are

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Speaker 4: saying I'm actually tired. And fundamentally, this is what I

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Speaker 4: do is follow the body, following nature. Yes, follow you know,

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Speaker 4: follow our own dreaming.

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Speaker 1: And isn't that different from when you're in your twenties.

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Speaker 1: I feel like most of us are in a massive

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Speaker 1: hustle growth self development, like setting our lives up. But

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Speaker 1: then now I'm turning thirty six this year, it looks

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Speaker 1: so different to what it did in my hustle years,

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Speaker 1: So I don't regret like talking about that and encouraging

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Speaker 1: you to work hard and go after your dreams and

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Speaker 1: put the effort into it, because it's landed me in

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Speaker 1: this position now that I can step back and relax

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Speaker 1: and enjoy what I've created over the last fifteen years.

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Speaker 1: So cool.

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Speaker 4: Jung, the Swiss psychiatrist, actually spoke strongly about this around

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Speaker 4: the first half of life, really driving and achieving. How

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Speaker 4: going You have this energy you do and go for it,

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Speaker 4: But then you start to move into the second half

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Speaker 4: of life and you start to ask what am I

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Speaker 4: really here for? What am I doing here? Things feel,

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Speaker 4: We embrace death a little bit more. We know those

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Speaker 4: that we love, some of them past, you know, when

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Speaker 4: we're twenty often we think we're going to live forever. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: and so this starts to come in and we start

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Speaker 4: to question who am I really? Is this my life?

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Speaker 4: And yeah, to throw out if it wasn't working absolutely all.

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Speaker 3: For it, start to tune in a bit more, don't you.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, Yeah, I love this conversation. I suppose we should

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Speaker 1: get into it right today. It's not it's God, it's similar,

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Speaker 1: but we really wanted to bring you on to talk

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Speaker 1: about conscious relationships. So Steve and I have done quite

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Speaker 1: a few sessions with you, and I've done quite a

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Speaker 1: few by myself with you as well. You've done some

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Speaker 1: sessions with Brad yep, you.

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Speaker 3: See, and I did one as well.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you see. Makes mean though, like one thing I

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Speaker 1: just love talking to you about is relationships and being

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Speaker 1: conscious in them. And we've got another episode coming with

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Speaker 1: you on Wednesday as well. But can you, in your

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Speaker 1: own words, what is a conscious relationship?

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Speaker 4: I love this question and I've been thinking about that. Actually,

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Speaker 4: what is a conscious relationship? Well, for me, it's awareness,

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Speaker 4: it's awareness of the relationship myth, our own myth and

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Speaker 4: not myth in the sense of making it up, myth

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Speaker 4: in the sense of mythology, the mythology of what has

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Speaker 4: brought us together. If I'm working with a couple, I'm

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Speaker 4: working with actually three parts and working with two individuals,

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Speaker 4: and I'm working with the relationship as well, and so

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Speaker 4: bringing awareness who am I as an individual? What am

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Speaker 4: I really here to do? Who am I really here

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Speaker 4: to be? Where am I drawn? And what is it

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Speaker 4: about this other person that has really drawn me to them?

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Speaker 4: And how do I become more aware of this and

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Speaker 4: then what is this relationship when we come together? What

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Speaker 4: does this entity want? And going deep into that and

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Speaker 4: exploring that is fundamentally it's more fun, it's deep, but

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Speaker 4: it makes life more rich and fundamentally, I think it

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Speaker 4: brings more love to the relationship. And if I was

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Speaker 4: going to say there's a key to all of this,

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Speaker 4: it's love. As corny as that can sound, it's like,

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Speaker 4: that's the truth. That's the thing that can guide you.

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Speaker 1: Do you find most couples that come to you are conscious?

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Speaker 1: Like do unconscious people not really do this kind of

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Speaker 1: deep work?

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Speaker 4: Mostly mostly or sometimes somebody in the relationship doesn't, like

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Speaker 4: one of them doesn't really want to be there, and

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Speaker 4: my work is to find out what that's about. No

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Speaker 4: one has to be there, and it's like, let's explore this, like,

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Speaker 4: you don't have to be here. I love you for

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Speaker 4: who you are. Work with me, don't work with me,

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Speaker 4: It's okay, but let's find out what it is you need.

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Speaker 4: And sometimes people come and work with me to separate

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Speaker 4: as well. It's like, how do we do this? There's

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Speaker 4: an edge. This is scary and that's also hard for me.

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Speaker 4: But I have to trust the relationship dreaming. I have

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Speaker 4: to trust what's going on in the background, what's really

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Speaker 4: needing to happen, what's almost happening but not quite. And

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Speaker 4: that could be we're almost deeply in love but not

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Speaker 4: quite or we need to go our own ways. We've

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Speaker 4: lived out a relationship myth and now we need to

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Speaker 4: do it in another way. But I'm a little biased.

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Speaker 4: I'm one for love. I want to try and.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, it must be so special working with couples.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, like you said, almost scary as well if

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Speaker 1: you can see different things playing out or just like

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Speaker 1: the hurt that comes with sessions, because I definitely know,

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Speaker 1: like we've had some amazing sessions with you that are

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Speaker 1: just like beautiful and growth, and then we've had some

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Speaker 1: more oddical, like icky moments where we're needing you to

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Speaker 1: almost would you say mediate or just like help us

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Speaker 1: see each other's side and take away almost like diffuse. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I don't know the energy down.

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Speaker 4: All relationships are different. It's what we call hot spot.

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Speaker 4: When it's hot. Often with a hot spot, we push

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Speaker 4: it away, We go, ah, let's just ignore that. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: So rather than ignore it, let's slow it down. And

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Speaker 4: notice that. And so if we slowed it down, rather

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Speaker 4: than saying you suck, you might say I feel really

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Speaker 4: hurt by you, and you say that to me when

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Speaker 4: I really notice what's going on for me, I feel

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Speaker 4: really hurt. And then maybe the other person goes, well,

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Speaker 4: I didn't want to hurt you.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, soften to that.

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Speaker 4: So it softens it. So by going into the fight

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Speaker 4: rather than ten minutes in where you suck and I

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Speaker 4: hate you and this all happening, we slow it down

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Speaker 4: and we notice what's really so we become conscious of

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Speaker 4: what's really happening.

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Speaker 1: And I love in the times because we've seen you.

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Speaker 1: I don't know when we first saw you. It would

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Speaker 1: have been drinking five years ago, long time ago. And

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Speaker 1: I feel like we've come so far now. We're so

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Speaker 1: much more conscious and aware and self regulated together and separately.

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Speaker 1: But I think when we couldn't regulate and we couldn't agree,

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Speaker 1: there'd be heat, and that's when we would come to

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Speaker 1: you to help, like mediate, diffuse and then hear each

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Speaker 1: other and see each other's perspectives. Whereas sometimes I think

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Speaker 1: if you're in a heated argument and you're not connected

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Speaker 1: and you're not seeing their side. You're so in your

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Speaker 1: own head. But what I found interesting with working with

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Speaker 1: you is a lot of the time, like Steve would

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Speaker 1: explain his experience, I would explain mine, and you'd be like,

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Speaker 1: you know, you're both actually wanting the same thing. So true,

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Speaker 1: you're both wanting connection, you're both wanting to be appreciated,

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Speaker 1: you're both wanting to be seen. Let's bring that together.

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Speaker 1: And it's like, ah, but like having you say that

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Speaker 1: just helped like soften both of us to then be

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Speaker 1: able to have the conversation we actually want to have.

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Speaker 1: And that's the beautiful thing. With a relationship coach or therapist,

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Speaker 1: It's like I think people think you just go there

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Speaker 1: when something's wrong. It's like you go to a personal

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Speaker 1: trainer to learn about your body and health and fitness.

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Speaker 1: You go to an accountant to learn about your finances

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Speaker 1: and have support in that. Relationships need support as well,

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Speaker 1: and you're not given a handbook that's like this is

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Speaker 1: the right way to do it. Everyone's so different. You're

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Speaker 1: combining two different personalities, upbringings to you know, sets of trauma.

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Speaker 1: You're bringing it together. There's going to be moments that

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Speaker 1: are heated and ikey having someone like you to help

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Speaker 1: like grow through that. It's just so beautiful. I honestly

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Speaker 1: reckon every couple should experience it in their life.

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Speaker 4: It's so amazing and it's so important. And sometimes people say, well,

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Speaker 4: we should be able to do this on our own.

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Speaker 4: You can't. Generally. I've been in therapy for thirty years.

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Speaker 4: I still about every three weeks I go back into therapy,

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Speaker 4: partly because it's part of my work because I'm constantly exploring.

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Speaker 4: I'm exploring my changing and changing and evolving.

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Speaker 1: All experiencing different things.

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Speaker 4: That's right, Yeah, and edge figures come up that stop you.

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Speaker 4: There's not just two people in a relationship. There's about

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Speaker 4: a hundred. Because yes, there's all these characters inside ourselves,

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Speaker 4: but there's also the family system outside that. So all

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Speaker 4: these roles are coming in and the critics come in.

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Speaker 4: And I see this a lot with men who are

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Speaker 4: really trying to do their best, and if a woman

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Speaker 4: says anything to them, they feel criticized. It's like, I'm

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Speaker 4: trying here and I actually know this. One one of

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Speaker 4: the reasons I love working with this is because I

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Speaker 4: I know it, and this radically changed mine. In Tabitha's relationship,

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Speaker 4: working on my own critic. So she says something to me.

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Speaker 4: She says, she doesn't say this, but l amplified. She says,

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Speaker 4: you suck. And I'm like, I love you, honey, I

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Speaker 4: love when you talk dirty to me. Yes, let's go,

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Speaker 4: because there's not an inner critic that goes I told

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Speaker 4: you you suck. Yeah, Like, there you go.

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Speaker 3: She's told you, definitely, And if you're going through a

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Speaker 3: tough time in life, like your inner critic is so

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Speaker 3: much more highlighted. And that's when Kurt and I came

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Speaker 3: and saw you, because there was so much happening, not

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Speaker 3: only within our relationship but extended families as well. And

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Speaker 3: it's so hard to clearly see things from the other

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Speaker 3: person's perspective when.

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Speaker 1: You don't even know how you feel. Yeah, like you

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Speaker 1: don't even.

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Speaker 3: Know what's going on, how you're actually feeling because you're

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Speaker 3: trying to digest so much.

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Speaker 1: Coach helps bring clarity and make you not feel so bad.

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Speaker 1: You make you feel so much.

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Speaker 3: I remember walking away and being like, no, I am okay,

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Speaker 3: got that is so true, so highly emotional.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you're really You're very validating in your sessions. And

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Speaker 1: I also love how you bring a bit of humor

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Speaker 1: when you're feeling heated, or you're going through something, or

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Speaker 1: you're carrying shame around something, or you just feel lost

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Speaker 1: or stuck. Like we had a session a couple of

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Speaker 1: weeks ago and I was like, I was going through it,

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Speaker 1: and then halfway through you're making me laugh. You're like,

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Speaker 1: what are you laughing at? Like you? But I got

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Speaker 1: to walk away from the session and the whole energy

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Speaker 1: and in my body just felt so much lighter, and

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Speaker 1: it helped me be able to navigate that I think

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Speaker 1: faster because I felt so much lighter. So for anyone

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Speaker 1: who's never done any couples therapy, and you don't just

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Speaker 1: work with.

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Speaker 4: Couples, individuals, ye, women, a lot of men, which is cool,

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Speaker 4: a lot of men.

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Speaker 1: For someone listening who's like has that belief and story

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Speaker 1: that you only go if your marriage is broken or

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Speaker 1: something's really wrong, what advice would you have for them?

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Speaker 4: I would say, you are a mystery and explore that

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Speaker 4: that you're more than. What we're doing is we're working

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Speaker 4: with more than your everyday self, your situation where family

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Speaker 4: is coming in. There are also roles in the system,

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Speaker 4: so we bring them in and we have a dialogue.

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Speaker 4: Generally in relationship, you're thinking, oh, it's just me and

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Speaker 4: my partner. But actually in that moment, all these other

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Speaker 4: roles are coming in. Our Martha's coming in and saying

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Speaker 4: you shouldn't do that, you should be like this, And

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Speaker 4: so we bring those out and we see them. We go, hey, Martha,

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Speaker 4: how you doing? What's going on for you? You know,

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Speaker 4: why are you so hard on these guys? And so

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Speaker 4: we get to explore more of who you are. And

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Speaker 4: the reason we use the term dreaming is because we

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Speaker 4: have all this dreaming around us. We have her everyday self.

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Speaker 4: I'm me. I identify as a man who's sitting here

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Speaker 4: in this room. Maybe sometimes I feel a little like

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Speaker 4: a dog, like wolf excited I see our dog. Sometimes

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Speaker 4: she reminds me how to get really really excited about life.

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Speaker 4: And so that's like a dream in process. And we

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Speaker 4: have all these fantasies that we go, oh, I shouldn't

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Speaker 4: have a fantasy about that, I shouldn't feel this way.

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Speaker 4: But actually when I explore that, I go, yeah, I

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Speaker 4: have this fantasy because I want to feel more love,

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Speaker 4: I want to feel more connection, I want to feel

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Speaker 4: whatever that is. So we get to explore parts of

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Speaker 4: ourselves what fraud or Young may have called the unconscious

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Speaker 4: parts of ourselves that we don't want to know about

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Speaker 4: or are scary for us. And then we become more whole,

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Speaker 4: and our relationship becomes more whole. And so so much

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Speaker 4: of the work often is individual work. It's like it's

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Speaker 4: couple and individual, and then it's back to individual And

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Speaker 4: a lot of the work I do now with Tabitha

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Speaker 4: and I is a lot of individual work. We've done

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Speaker 4: a lot of couple work, and now we will do

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Speaker 4: a lot of our own individual work and then bring

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Speaker 4: that in and that empowers overflows fully.

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Speaker 1: And what advice would you have to someone because I

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Speaker 1: don't know if this is true, but I do feel

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Speaker 1: like females lead the way with this kind of work

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Speaker 1: because we're a lot more comfortable talking about our emotions

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Speaker 1: being vulnerable. So normally it's the feminine that wants to

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Speaker 1: book the session, in the masculine's I want to talk

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Speaker 1: to someone. Even my first session with Steve and you like,

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Speaker 1: it was hard to get him here, and I don't

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Speaker 1: know if you remember, but his chair was pulled back,

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Speaker 1: like he was distant, he did not want to be there,

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Speaker 1: and as the session went on, you could just he

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Speaker 1: dropped in and he obviously that's a credit to you

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Speaker 1: with how safe you made him feel, and he's gone

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Speaker 1: back for so many more sessions. But what advice do

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Speaker 1: you have for women who want to do this work

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Speaker 1: and what their partners want to be there and actually

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Speaker 1: getting them to a session.

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Speaker 4: What advice would you have for Firstly, you're right, and

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Speaker 4: it's a generalization because there's always a difference there where

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Speaker 4: the man's bringing that in. But generally you're right.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: And one of the things I love about working with

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Speaker 4: men is I genuinely have a heartfelt love for men.

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Speaker 4: So when a man's there in the room, I'm like, welcome, Yeah, welcome,

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Speaker 4: It's so good. It makes me tary. Yeah, so good

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Speaker 4: to have you here. This is important work and women

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Speaker 4: classically are a lot more actor to their feelings, to

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Speaker 4: their emotions. And so firstly, for a woman owning her rank,

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Speaker 4: a man has to own his physical rank if he

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Speaker 4: goes are we equal, Yes, of course you're equal, But

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Speaker 4: if you're in an arm wrestle, generally you're not equal.

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Speaker 4: You have to own the rank. If you don't own

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Speaker 4: the rank, it can become abusive. And so owning your

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Speaker 4: rank that you as a woman may be more evolved

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Speaker 4: emotionally and really holding your man and saying, come along,

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Speaker 4: it's going to be good for us. Come on in,

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Speaker 4: let's do this work. This is really important for me.

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Speaker 4: And if eventually he doesn't do the work yourself, because

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Speaker 4: if you change, it's that whole butterfly. You know, when

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Speaker 4: a butterfly flaps it's wings, it creates a tornado and Texas,

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Speaker 4: it's that idea. If you do the work, you change

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Speaker 4: the system, and so do that work work on your

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Speaker 4: own masculine, I wanted to be more like this. Oh

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Speaker 4: I need to have a relationship with part of myself

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Speaker 4: as well. While also if he's more masculine, now I

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Speaker 4: can be more feminine. Okay, let's embrace more of you're

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Speaker 4: feminine and explore that. But yeah, ideally bring him in

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Speaker 4: because if he's not there and you're working on a relationship,

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Speaker 4: we'll bring him in any way, meaning he's not physically

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Speaker 4: in the room, but he will be in the room

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Speaker 4: because it's a role. What are you going to say

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Speaker 4: to him? What's he going to say? And that works

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Speaker 4: really well, But if you can actually have the dude

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Speaker 4: in the room. It's even better because we can get

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Speaker 4: a live response.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: But if they're like, no, I'm not doing that, you

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Speaker 1: can still go do your own. You can still book

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Speaker 1: the session in and start and like hold the torch,

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Speaker 1: lead the way and hopefully.

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Speaker 4: I'm going and I did this session and I just

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Speaker 4: have this awareness and I feel really great. I wish

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Speaker 4: you were there.

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Speaker 3: They see it. Hey, the more they see it and

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Speaker 3: see the change in you, they're back.

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Speaker 1: Came in a second down the track.

434
00:20:58,160 --> 00:20:59,441
Speaker 4: Do you always grow and change?

435
00:20:59,481 --> 00:20:59,681
Speaker 3: Yeah?

436
00:20:59,681 --> 00:21:03,281
Speaker 4: Absolutely, But when you're starting, it's like explosive, and sometimes

437
00:21:03,281 --> 00:21:05,121
Speaker 4: your partner will go, what's happened to you?

438
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:06,640
Speaker 1: You like?

439
00:21:06,761 --> 00:21:09,960
Speaker 4: You? Yeah, now you're scary and I don't know if.

440
00:21:09,801 --> 00:21:12,600
Speaker 3: I like And you can tak me like, oh, you're triggered,

441
00:21:12,721 --> 00:21:15,041
Speaker 3: Like once you learn all these things about like triggers

442
00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:17,001
Speaker 3: or you know, yeah, you're right.

443
00:21:17,001 --> 00:21:19,481
Speaker 1: It can be uncomfortable if your partner's growing and changing

444
00:21:19,481 --> 00:21:21,321
Speaker 1: at a rapid rate, because you feel like, well, you're

445
00:21:21,321 --> 00:21:23,480
Speaker 1: falling behind or you don't know them anymore, like the

446
00:21:23,521 --> 00:21:26,561
Speaker 1: future is almost uncertain, which can be become comfortable with

447
00:21:26,561 --> 00:21:28,521
Speaker 1: some people if they're unconscious, right.

448
00:21:28,521 --> 00:21:32,521
Speaker 4: That's right, And if you're conscious, a jealousy rises up. Yeah,

449
00:21:32,801 --> 00:21:35,041
Speaker 4: says oh, I don't like this.

450
00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:39,041
Speaker 1: You're going to grow and leave me, abandonment, abandon me.

451
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,761
Speaker 4: And then it's like at that point, it's like come with.

452
00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:44,561
Speaker 1: Me, yes, come along, Like, come.

453
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:48,961
Speaker 4: Along, let's remember what we fell in love with together. Yeah,

454
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:51,160
Speaker 4: what you do. I don't want to have to go

455
00:21:51,201 --> 00:21:53,160
Speaker 4: and do all this again. Let's come and let's do

456
00:21:53,241 --> 00:21:56,721
Speaker 4: this together. When someone says occasionally you see people who

457
00:21:56,721 --> 00:22:00,521
Speaker 4: were like I'm exactly the same person I was when

458
00:22:00,561 --> 00:22:02,041
Speaker 4: I was twenty, I'm.

459
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:06,881
Speaker 1: Like, yeah, God, is that true. It's the opposite too,

460
00:22:07,001 --> 00:22:09,520
Speaker 1: Like I remember I had some high school girlfriends be like, oh,

461
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:11,840
Speaker 1: you know you've just changed so much. I'm like, yeah,

462
00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:14,121
Speaker 1: thank god, I don't want to have been sixteen year

463
00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:16,281
Speaker 1: old self. Like I hope I continue changing. Like we

464
00:22:16,321 --> 00:22:17,761
Speaker 1: say we hope. We listen even back to some of

465
00:22:17,801 --> 00:22:21,521
Speaker 1: our episodes and be like, oh, we're thinking I like that.

466
00:22:21,721 --> 00:22:23,840
Speaker 1: We would think that, like even this time last year,

467
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:25,720
Speaker 1: I feel like we've just been through so much and

468
00:22:25,801 --> 00:22:28,561
Speaker 1: grown so so much. That's so cool and exciting.

469
00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:32,120
Speaker 4: It's quite amazing, isn't it. Yaation in the air that

470
00:22:32,321 --> 00:22:36,440
Speaker 4: says you've changed, and one of the ways that you

471
00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:40,080
Speaker 4: bypass the critic is by picking up an accusation and

472
00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:43,600
Speaker 4: owning it. Yeah, and even if it's zero point zero

473
00:22:43,681 --> 00:22:46,280
Speaker 4: one percent true, we si on a dreaming level. There

474
00:22:46,281 --> 00:22:48,041
Speaker 4: has to be a certain portion of truth, and you

475
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:50,600
Speaker 4: can't go I know I've changed. I suck. You have

476
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:53,440
Speaker 4: to love it about you. Yeah, And it's like, I

477
00:22:53,761 --> 00:22:55,680
Speaker 4: know I have changed.

478
00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:56,160
Speaker 1: Don't you love me?

479
00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:59,961
Speaker 4: And I am amazing, I'm so beautiful. When you pick

480
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:04,080
Speaker 4: that up for yourself, you're free. You're free the critic. Yeah,

481
00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:08,041
Speaker 4: and then journal critical figures won't get you or drop away.

482
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:10,401
Speaker 1: And I also feel like it then makes the other

483
00:23:10,441 --> 00:23:12,520
Speaker 1: person that said that like think more and be like,

484
00:23:12,521 --> 00:23:15,200
Speaker 1: oh yeah, like it's not so bad that you've changed.

485
00:23:15,321 --> 00:23:18,240
Speaker 1: They've going to even reflect Yeah changed, Yeah, yeah I

486
00:23:18,281 --> 00:23:20,600
Speaker 1: haven't changed. Maybe I want to change too. I always

487
00:23:20,681 --> 00:23:23,400
Speaker 1: joke and say that Steve's married like seven different women,

488
00:23:23,481 --> 00:23:27,161
Speaker 1: because I know I was talking to the other day

489
00:23:27,201 --> 00:23:29,521
Speaker 1: about like, I'm going to start working with a feminine coach,

490
00:23:29,561 --> 00:23:31,960
Speaker 1: and I'm just excited to get to know who Ashy

491
00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:34,321
Speaker 1: is without the titles and the hustle and all you

492
00:23:34,321 --> 00:23:36,201
Speaker 1: know that I've been doing the last couple of years

493
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:38,561
Speaker 1: gave him hug. I'm like, get ready, you're gonna get

494
00:23:38,561 --> 00:23:42,441
Speaker 1: married again. A new wife. She's being born. Who knows

495
00:23:42,481 --> 00:23:43,961
Speaker 1: what she's going to be like, but I think she's

496
00:23:43,961 --> 00:23:44,761
Speaker 1: going to be amazing.

497
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:49,960
Speaker 4: Yeah, because you will grow into who you're called to

498
00:23:50,001 --> 00:23:54,400
Speaker 4: be exactly drawn And so there's this calling, this feeling. Yeah,

499
00:23:54,441 --> 00:23:56,801
Speaker 4: like there's this other part of me, and it does

500
00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:58,880
Speaker 4: take well for the old one to drop away.

501
00:23:59,001 --> 00:24:01,920
Speaker 1: It does. Yeah, it's like it's sticky, it is, and

502
00:24:01,961 --> 00:24:03,681
Speaker 1: you've dropped back into her and then you're like, oh,

503
00:24:03,721 --> 00:24:05,640
Speaker 1: hang on, Okay, that's what I've been I'm doing, But no,

504
00:24:05,721 --> 00:24:07,881
Speaker 1: I want to try this drop in and out.

505
00:24:08,041 --> 00:24:08,281
Speaker 4: Yeah.

506
00:24:08,441 --> 00:24:10,600
Speaker 1: We're just talking about that on that As she was.

507
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:11,920
Speaker 3: Saying to me, She's like, I try to do this

508
00:24:11,921 --> 00:24:13,801
Speaker 3: and then and catch myself. But I said, that's the

509
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:16,761
Speaker 3: process of changing, you know, like you're gonna have.

510
00:24:16,801 --> 00:24:20,441
Speaker 1: To unlearn and relearn and rewire. It's like such a process.

511
00:24:20,961 --> 00:24:25,001
Speaker 4: There's two stories around this, and one comes from Custinator's

512
00:24:25,041 --> 00:24:29,441
Speaker 4: work and Corlous Custinator and I like his work because

513
00:24:30,321 --> 00:24:32,480
Speaker 4: his therapy in a sense was done in an altered

514
00:24:32,521 --> 00:24:34,761
Speaker 4: state and he come back into the everyday world and

515
00:24:34,801 --> 00:24:37,960
Speaker 4: he'd forget what he got. And I know that in

516
00:24:38,001 --> 00:24:41,041
Speaker 4: therapy myself. Sometimes I'm like wow, because you are in

517
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:44,080
Speaker 4: an altered state, you're accessing another part of you, and

518
00:24:44,120 --> 00:24:46,640
Speaker 4: then you start to come back into your everyday self,

519
00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:50,840
Speaker 4: and it takes time for this other part to really

520
00:24:51,001 --> 00:24:54,640
Speaker 4: develop and to really solidify. Customator would say to move

521
00:24:54,681 --> 00:24:58,480
Speaker 4: your assemblage point the way you assemble the world. We

522
00:24:58,521 --> 00:25:01,121
Speaker 4: assemble the world. It looks like this, it's this way.

523
00:25:01,521 --> 00:25:04,681
Speaker 4: I'm this person, I'm successful, I'm not successful, I'm whatever

524
00:25:04,761 --> 00:25:09,080
Speaker 4: I am. And so moving and assembling your world yourself

525
00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:11,801
Speaker 4: in a different way takes time. So true. And the

526
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:15,360
Speaker 4: second idea is the three hundred headed dragon. That we

527
00:25:15,481 --> 00:25:20,880
Speaker 4: come up against a critical figure that says you're not enough,

528
00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,521
Speaker 4: and we have to We call that an ally figure

529
00:25:24,561 --> 00:25:26,920
Speaker 4: that you have to do battle with comes as a

530
00:25:26,961 --> 00:25:31,041
Speaker 4: person sometimes or a setting or a place, and you

531
00:25:31,321 --> 00:25:36,120
Speaker 4: have to pull that sword out and slay the critical

532
00:25:36,201 --> 00:25:39,400
Speaker 4: dragon says you're not enough, you need to be more.

533
00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:41,880
Speaker 4: And then you wake up in the next day and

534
00:25:41,921 --> 00:25:48,761
Speaker 4: there's another bloody head, yes and so head. So you

535
00:25:48,801 --> 00:25:50,880
Speaker 4: have to pull the sword out and you have to

536
00:25:51,041 --> 00:25:55,641
Speaker 4: slay the dragon until you've killed all the heads. That's

537
00:25:55,681 --> 00:25:59,720
Speaker 4: our daily The second wave of slaying dragons is a

538
00:25:59,761 --> 00:26:04,480
Speaker 4: death walk, and that's not something that it's kind of

539
00:26:04,521 --> 00:26:08,281
Speaker 4: like you're with but also not blessed with. A death

540
00:26:08,321 --> 00:26:13,561
Speaker 4: walk is when someone suddenly gets cancer diagnosis and they

541
00:26:13,561 --> 00:26:15,960
Speaker 4: give up smoking. Theyre a smoker all their life, they

542
00:26:15,961 --> 00:26:18,721
Speaker 4: get lung cancer and they suddenly say, I'm radically changing

543
00:26:18,801 --> 00:26:22,001
Speaker 4: my life. Yeah, and so you make a radical change.

544
00:26:22,441 --> 00:26:25,321
Speaker 4: So they're kind of the two ways. When that comes along,

545
00:26:25,481 --> 00:26:27,961
Speaker 4: you work with that. But if it doesn't, you spend

546
00:26:27,961 --> 00:26:29,201
Speaker 4: your day slaying dragons.

547
00:26:29,801 --> 00:26:31,281
Speaker 3: It's going to keep pushing through.

548
00:26:31,360 --> 00:26:32,840
Speaker 4: Just keep chopping off heads.

549
00:26:33,120 --> 00:26:35,241
Speaker 1: Wow, I've never heard that before either.

550
00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:36,241
Speaker 3: I love that analogy.

551
00:26:36,281 --> 00:26:37,120
Speaker 1: It's so cool.

552
00:26:37,921 --> 00:26:39,681
Speaker 3: That's really a good way to think of it, because

553
00:26:39,721 --> 00:26:41,720
Speaker 3: it is it's just a continual thing, a continual way

554
00:26:41,761 --> 00:26:44,481
Speaker 3: to show up every day and you think sometimes you

555
00:26:44,561 --> 00:26:46,921
Speaker 3: might even think, oh my gosh, like am I improving

556
00:26:47,041 --> 00:26:50,241
Speaker 3: or is this progressing? And they're like, no, slay it again.

557
00:26:52,001 --> 00:26:53,801
Speaker 4: I have to say I really felt this. I did

558
00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:56,440
Speaker 4: a lot of lot of kind of inner work. I

559
00:26:56,441 --> 00:26:59,880
Speaker 4: was doing courses in my twenties, and I was like,

560
00:27:00,001 --> 00:27:03,960
Speaker 4: is this really am I getting anywhere? We wouldn't go

561
00:27:04,001 --> 00:27:06,360
Speaker 4: to things because we're off doing courses of learning. And

562
00:27:06,481 --> 00:27:09,641
Speaker 4: is this a waste of time? I now know it

563
00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:14,321
Speaker 4: just wasn't. There is a time where you suddenly there

564
00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:17,521
Speaker 4: is a change, there's a radical change, and you do

565
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:20,681
Speaker 4: have to keep on chopping those heads. You go back

566
00:27:20,721 --> 00:27:23,520
Speaker 4: and you think, just the same as I was, that

567
00:27:23,521 --> 00:27:26,640
Speaker 4: can still happen. We can all get caught. I haven't

568
00:27:26,681 --> 00:27:29,121
Speaker 4: done that work yet. I thought I cleared that one,

569
00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:30,240
Speaker 4: but one's still around.

570
00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:32,840
Speaker 1: So true, it's likely head again.

571
00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:35,761
Speaker 4: Is dead.

572
00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:43,001
Speaker 1: Can we talk about conscious sex normal sex? Because I

573
00:27:43,001 --> 00:27:45,281
Speaker 1: feel like people like sex and sex, but I just

574
00:27:45,360 --> 00:27:47,721
Speaker 1: don't think that. But I'd love to hear your opinions.

575
00:27:48,041 --> 00:27:53,120
Speaker 1: We love sex. Talking it's really important too, and it's

576
00:27:53,321 --> 00:27:54,921
Speaker 1: part of working with couples.

577
00:27:54,961 --> 00:27:58,360
Speaker 4: It has to be. And so the Taoists and the

578
00:27:58,360 --> 00:28:00,441
Speaker 4: Tan Tricks and these people have really looked at this.

579
00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:08,641
Speaker 4: And conscious sex is sex just sex? No, it's fundamentally.

580
00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:13,321
Speaker 4: I think sex becomes better when there's love, like it

581
00:28:13,521 --> 00:28:16,960
Speaker 4: just does. You can have one night stands and all that.

582
00:28:17,041 --> 00:28:19,721
Speaker 4: I'm not anti anything, but it gets better than that.

583
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:23,400
Speaker 4: And what do you do? How do you do it?

584
00:28:23,441 --> 00:28:26,521
Speaker 4: One of the things you do is use meditation, techniques again,

585
00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:31,521
Speaker 4: slow it down. What is the experience that is actually

586
00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:35,841
Speaker 4: happening during sex? Like it is an altered state. It is,

587
00:28:36,481 --> 00:28:39,481
Speaker 4: It's a truly deeply altered state, and sometimes we miss it.

588
00:28:39,481 --> 00:28:42,041
Speaker 4: It's like two minutes later and it's done. But if

589
00:28:42,041 --> 00:28:45,281
Speaker 4: we slow it down and really explore what is the

590
00:28:45,361 --> 00:28:49,240
Speaker 4: experience that is really going on? And that's when the

591
00:28:49,321 --> 00:28:53,841
Speaker 4: Dow and the Tan tricks were into non ejaculation because

592
00:28:54,321 --> 00:28:56,841
Speaker 4: you can slow down the experience. Rather than just getting

593
00:28:56,841 --> 00:29:00,161
Speaker 4: to the goal, getting to the orgasm, you slow the

594
00:29:00,241 --> 00:29:05,601
Speaker 4: experience down and notice what is really happening here, experience

595
00:29:05,641 --> 00:29:08,641
Speaker 4: in my body, what is experience in this other person's body,

596
00:29:09,441 --> 00:29:11,801
Speaker 4: and what is really happening to the tour of us?

597
00:29:12,161 --> 00:29:14,881
Speaker 4: Many things say that we meld into the dow, into

598
00:29:14,881 --> 00:29:18,401
Speaker 4: the one, and all our edges also come up during sex.

599
00:29:18,521 --> 00:29:20,081
Speaker 4: Do I have an edge to love? Do I have

600
00:29:20,121 --> 00:29:23,841
Speaker 4: an edge to experience? What am I not experiencing here?

601
00:29:24,001 --> 00:29:27,161
Speaker 4: What is the other world that is scary for me?

602
00:29:27,441 --> 00:29:30,481
Speaker 4: That I need to explore more of myself and who

603
00:29:30,481 --> 00:29:32,561
Speaker 4: I am in this intimate moment?

604
00:29:34,241 --> 00:29:37,601
Speaker 3: Interesting? I want to know because I'm hearing you talking

605
00:29:37,641 --> 00:29:42,441
Speaker 3: about like slower sex, that sounds so nice, But when

606
00:29:42,481 --> 00:29:47,081
Speaker 3: you have got little kids and also having someone who's

607
00:29:47,081 --> 00:29:49,041
Speaker 3: maybe got a bit of a higher sex drive, so

608
00:29:49,081 --> 00:29:52,440
Speaker 3: I wanted to have sex more frequently. How do you

609
00:29:52,521 --> 00:29:56,601
Speaker 3: navigate the balance? I guess between the two having like

610
00:29:56,641 --> 00:30:00,321
Speaker 3: a longer session and you know, guess it's hard.

611
00:30:00,281 --> 00:30:05,281
Speaker 4: Yeah and fast quick sex great? Yeah, Okay, sometimes that's.

612
00:30:05,161 --> 00:30:07,200
Speaker 1: The moment for maybe that's the season.

613
00:30:07,481 --> 00:30:09,801
Speaker 4: Yeah, what's the experience in the moment, like what.

614
00:30:09,801 --> 00:30:11,961
Speaker 1: It's exciting and that could be cool to h that's right.

615
00:30:12,001 --> 00:30:15,881
Speaker 4: We're not anti anything, but generally for most of us,

616
00:30:15,961 --> 00:30:19,121
Speaker 4: it's all too fast. Yeah, there's a whole idea of

617
00:30:19,321 --> 00:30:24,161
Speaker 4: slow the fuck down, definitely, because that gets marginalized and

618
00:30:24,201 --> 00:30:27,641
Speaker 4: we miss the experience. Sometimes it is great just to go, yeah,

619
00:30:27,761 --> 00:30:29,240
Speaker 4: let's have some fun. I love you.

620
00:30:29,361 --> 00:30:31,881
Speaker 1: This is so great And.

621
00:30:32,041 --> 00:30:35,441
Speaker 4: For men, it's really good for them to explore. He's

622
00:30:35,481 --> 00:30:40,321
Speaker 4: a radical idea for men to have sex and to

623
00:30:40,521 --> 00:30:41,361
Speaker 4: not orgasm.

624
00:30:43,121 --> 00:30:44,001
Speaker 1: Yeah, i'd imagine.

625
00:30:44,041 --> 00:30:44,361
Speaker 4: I know.

626
00:30:44,601 --> 00:30:46,401
Speaker 3: I was going to ask you, what do you think

627
00:30:46,441 --> 00:30:49,761
Speaker 3: about men having a high sex drive that are like

628
00:30:49,841 --> 00:30:52,961
Speaker 3: wanting really regular sex. Do you think that there's some

629
00:30:53,001 --> 00:30:57,481
Speaker 3: sort of thing that they're maybe lacking within themselves because

630
00:30:57,481 --> 00:30:59,201
Speaker 3: they need to feel that's really two.

631
00:30:59,361 --> 00:31:01,561
Speaker 1: Yeah, I've got a girlfriend that thinks that says she

632
00:31:01,681 --> 00:31:04,361
Speaker 1: gets it. She wants more sex because that's the moment

633
00:31:04,361 --> 00:31:07,201
Speaker 1: that she feels love and connection and makes her feel

634
00:31:07,321 --> 00:31:10,240
Speaker 1: enough from a man. That's what she craves more of.

635
00:31:10,601 --> 00:31:12,041
Speaker 1: It's interesting, that's right.

636
00:31:12,001 --> 00:31:16,960
Speaker 4: So she craves a man. There's something in the man

637
00:31:17,041 --> 00:31:19,760
Speaker 4: that she gets that she needs more of. Now, I

638
00:31:19,841 --> 00:31:24,561
Speaker 4: experience love, and I truly think for men one of

639
00:31:24,561 --> 00:31:27,441
Speaker 4: the things that they do crave about sex is it's

640
00:31:27,441 --> 00:31:30,721
Speaker 4: the one place they can experience love and a man

641
00:31:31,921 --> 00:31:34,561
Speaker 4: with no shame. They can they can actually experience. They

642
00:31:34,561 --> 00:31:36,761
Speaker 4: don't experience love in many other places.

643
00:31:36,841 --> 00:31:39,161
Speaker 1: Yes, that's why they crave. They can crave more of

644
00:31:39,201 --> 00:31:40,401
Speaker 1: it because they're not getting out of the place.

645
00:31:40,441 --> 00:31:42,561
Speaker 3: Actually, if you know, you're busy with kids or doing things,

646
00:31:42,561 --> 00:31:44,921
Speaker 3: they don't have that connection with you throughout the day.

647
00:31:44,921 --> 00:31:48,081
Speaker 4: The day to day tasks. Men shut often shut down,

648
00:31:48,161 --> 00:31:50,520
Speaker 4: shut down from the experiences. But in this moment, if

649
00:31:50,521 --> 00:31:54,361
Speaker 4: they actually go fast, go slow, but notice the experience

650
00:31:54,401 --> 00:31:58,281
Speaker 4: and the experiences. Oh I love you, Oh my goodness,

651
00:31:58,321 --> 00:32:00,720
Speaker 4: I love you, I love you. And then after the

652
00:32:00,801 --> 00:32:07,361
Speaker 4: organisms later I'm off because the fires gone and allowing them.

653
00:32:07,361 --> 00:32:11,121
Speaker 4: That's why it's sometimes good for men to sometimes not

654
00:32:11,201 --> 00:32:15,281
Speaker 4: have sex and really experience it. Can create frustration for them,

655
00:32:15,681 --> 00:32:18,681
Speaker 4: but also to experience that fire that's rising up in them.

656
00:32:18,881 --> 00:32:23,041
Speaker 4: How do I bring this to my life? And absolutely

657
00:32:23,161 --> 00:32:26,401
Speaker 4: there's something around anything that we crave. That can be

658
00:32:26,521 --> 00:32:29,721
Speaker 4: chocolate cake, or that can be sex.

659
00:32:29,641 --> 00:32:31,881
Speaker 1: Because there can be a coping mechanism right to numb

660
00:32:31,881 --> 00:32:34,801
Speaker 1: out and to distract, whether that's through porn, through sex,

661
00:32:35,201 --> 00:32:38,561
Speaker 1: through our partner, through sugar, through anything that's addicted or

662
00:32:38,561 --> 00:32:39,281
Speaker 1: releases those.

663
00:32:39,521 --> 00:32:43,881
Speaker 4: Yes, and we know addictive rates to men are high. Yes,

664
00:32:44,081 --> 00:32:47,761
Speaker 4: and there's something that they're craving that they need more of.

665
00:32:48,561 --> 00:32:52,121
Speaker 4: And the problem with addictions is you never get it.

666
00:32:52,121 --> 00:32:54,440
Speaker 4: It's like a mirror. You think, I'm going to get this.

667
00:32:54,841 --> 00:32:57,720
Speaker 4: Finally I'm going to get love, or finally I'm going

668
00:32:57,761 --> 00:32:59,161
Speaker 4: to get enough. I'm gonna have that cake and get

669
00:32:59,161 --> 00:33:01,801
Speaker 4: some sweetness in my life. Or I'm going to gamble

670
00:33:01,801 --> 00:33:03,720
Speaker 4: and I'm going to have a win. Finally I'll have

671
00:33:03,721 --> 00:33:07,281
Speaker 4: a win. Now, these are all things that you actually

672
00:33:07,361 --> 00:33:11,280
Speaker 4: need more of. That man needs more sex than his

673
00:33:11,361 --> 00:33:16,081
Speaker 4: life without having sex. Yes, how do I really experience sex?

674
00:33:16,281 --> 00:33:19,001
Speaker 4: Not just in the bedroom, and yes, experience sex in

675
00:33:19,001 --> 00:33:22,161
Speaker 4: the bedroom, but experience it everywhere.

676
00:33:22,441 --> 00:33:24,440
Speaker 1: You said that about alcohol to me once when we

677
00:33:24,441 --> 00:33:26,641
Speaker 1: were talking about it, like for people to be able

678
00:33:26,721 --> 00:33:30,001
Speaker 1: to get drunk without alcohol, just like feel drunk and

679
00:33:30,001 --> 00:33:31,720
Speaker 1: feel alive. And I was like, that's how I feel like.

680
00:33:31,761 --> 00:33:33,281
Speaker 1: People look at me when I'm out and I'm not

681
00:33:33,361 --> 00:33:36,081
Speaker 1: drinking and I look like the drunk one, and I'm like, no,

682
00:33:36,161 --> 00:33:38,601
Speaker 1: I'm just drunk on life. I'm excited. I'm literal.

683
00:33:40,361 --> 00:33:43,561
Speaker 4: Drunk on life. I went to a party one time

684
00:33:43,641 --> 00:33:45,721
Speaker 4: and the next day people said to me, God, you're

685
00:33:45,721 --> 00:33:50,401
Speaker 4: blind last night not a thing, but I could feel

686
00:33:50,401 --> 00:33:53,801
Speaker 4: the field. Yeah, rather than push it away, I actually

687
00:33:53,801 --> 00:33:58,161
Speaker 4: felt the field. And people use alcohol often to have

688
00:33:58,201 --> 00:34:00,760
Speaker 4: a break from life, but also to put their critic

689
00:34:00,801 --> 00:34:05,841
Speaker 4: to sleep. Yes, so a whole you suck, You're no good,

690
00:34:05,881 --> 00:34:09,681
Speaker 4: you can't dance, and then a bottle of te quill a, lady,

691
00:34:09,721 --> 00:34:10,040
Speaker 4: you're the.

692
00:34:09,961 --> 00:34:13,601
Speaker 1: Greatest dance I can. So when you say have sex

693
00:34:13,601 --> 00:34:16,721
Speaker 1: without having sex, how how.

694
00:34:18,321 --> 00:34:21,641
Speaker 4: Notice the experience? Okay, So people can also do solo

695
00:34:21,641 --> 00:34:24,921
Speaker 4: practices where they're exploring who am I, what's the experience

696
00:34:24,961 --> 00:34:29,481
Speaker 4: that's happening to me? Explore that, but then also explore

697
00:34:29,721 --> 00:34:33,561
Speaker 4: what happens to me during sex. Well, you know, often

698
00:34:33,561 --> 00:34:37,601
Speaker 4: for men, initially they feel there's this concept that women

699
00:34:38,041 --> 00:34:42,401
Speaker 4: experience sex from their heart down to their genitals. So

700
00:34:43,001 --> 00:34:46,841
Speaker 4: they open their hearts and then they open themselves fully

701
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:51,241
Speaker 4: because men the opposite, the opposite, and they're like, I

702
00:34:51,281 --> 00:34:54,321
Speaker 4: love you, I love you, and then they but true sex,

703
00:34:54,361 --> 00:34:59,361
Speaker 4: they experiencing and opening their heart and so feeling actually

704
00:34:59,361 --> 00:35:04,121
Speaker 4: feeling that experience that rising you know, the kundolini moving

705
00:35:04,201 --> 00:35:08,361
Speaker 4: up and open your heart and experiencing that and feeling strong.

706
00:35:08,721 --> 00:35:12,001
Speaker 4: In traditional Chinese medicine, particularly for men, if they have

707
00:35:12,081 --> 00:35:14,641
Speaker 4: too much sex, it depletes their ging, which is their

708
00:35:14,761 --> 00:35:18,921
Speaker 4: life force, which is stored in their kidneys. So preserving

709
00:35:18,921 --> 00:35:20,521
Speaker 4: that is really important. The dow was set at a

710
00:35:20,561 --> 00:35:23,521
Speaker 4: certain age. If you're eighteen, you should be having sex

711
00:35:23,561 --> 00:35:25,961
Speaker 4: all the time, of sense, you can get away with it.

712
00:35:26,481 --> 00:35:30,361
Speaker 4: A sixty year old has to really modulate that. It's

713
00:35:30,361 --> 00:35:33,081
Speaker 4: another perspective because it's going to drain their life force.

714
00:35:33,801 --> 00:35:37,001
Speaker 4: An example of that is heroin. What heroin does is

715
00:35:37,121 --> 00:35:40,641
Speaker 4: it pushes the life force into the body, so you're

716
00:35:40,681 --> 00:35:43,401
Speaker 4: actually shooting up your own life force. And it's why

717
00:35:43,481 --> 00:35:46,921
Speaker 4: someone who's doing heroin can look twenty years older than

718
00:35:46,921 --> 00:35:51,521
Speaker 4: they are because they're actually getting high on themselves and

719
00:35:51,561 --> 00:35:54,761
Speaker 4: they're depleting themselves. So taking care of your ging. So

720
00:35:54,881 --> 00:35:58,081
Speaker 4: one of the things if a man's libido's low, one

721
00:35:58,121 --> 00:36:00,081
Speaker 4: of the things we can do is make sure there's

722
00:36:00,081 --> 00:36:04,081
Speaker 4: not too much ejaculation, that he's building his yang, that

723
00:36:04,201 --> 00:36:07,121
Speaker 4: yang energy, and so he can actually work on that

724
00:36:07,161 --> 00:36:09,761
Speaker 4: and develop and bring that yang energy. And where else

725
00:36:09,801 --> 00:36:11,961
Speaker 4: can I use this? When I open my heart and

726
00:36:12,001 --> 00:36:15,361
Speaker 4: I feel, oh, I love this, and you can bring

727
00:36:15,401 --> 00:36:17,641
Speaker 4: this to all sorts of places. You can bring a

728
00:36:17,761 --> 00:36:21,881
Speaker 4: sense of love to your work, to your friends, to

729
00:36:21,961 --> 00:36:25,281
Speaker 4: your mates, all these types of things because you feel

730
00:36:25,321 --> 00:36:28,881
Speaker 4: this energy suddenly surging through your body. A man classically

731
00:36:29,241 --> 00:36:33,121
Speaker 4: classically falls asleep after sex because he's gone into a

732
00:36:33,201 --> 00:36:37,001
Speaker 4: year state. He's gone from yang to a year and

733
00:36:37,121 --> 00:36:40,201
Speaker 4: there's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes that's important for him.

734
00:36:40,481 --> 00:36:43,281
Speaker 4: But if he wants to build that yang, that's a

735
00:36:43,321 --> 00:36:45,841
Speaker 4: way of doing it, and then use that yang. Slow

736
00:36:45,921 --> 00:36:48,201
Speaker 4: it down when the kids aren't around, which is hard.

737
00:36:48,761 --> 00:36:52,641
Speaker 4: It's hard, and you can also go, let's slow down

738
00:36:52,761 --> 00:36:55,601
Speaker 4: just for a second and notice what's really happening here.

739
00:36:55,721 --> 00:36:57,480
Speaker 4: I know the kids are in the other room. We've

740
00:36:57,481 --> 00:37:00,241
Speaker 4: only got three minutes. But let's take three seconds like

741
00:37:00,721 --> 00:37:06,241
Speaker 4: nearly noticing the experience, because too often missing our experience,

742
00:37:07,161 --> 00:37:10,521
Speaker 4: not just sexually, but in everything. It's like where did

743
00:37:10,561 --> 00:37:13,121
Speaker 4: my life just go? Yeah, you know the concept of

744
00:37:13,161 --> 00:37:18,161
Speaker 4: the power of now moment, what is really happening? This

745
00:37:18,241 --> 00:37:21,721
Speaker 4: is weird and altered, and so much is happening here

746
00:37:21,761 --> 00:37:24,081
Speaker 4: in this sexual moment. I haven't got a clue what's

747
00:37:24,121 --> 00:37:26,921
Speaker 4: really going on. Let's just slow it down and notice

748
00:37:26,961 --> 00:37:29,601
Speaker 4: for a moment what is happening, even if that's just

749
00:37:29,641 --> 00:37:33,881
Speaker 4: thirty seconds. There's always enough time. Someone said that to

750
00:37:33,921 --> 00:37:37,401
Speaker 4: me as a mantra. There's enough time for what needs

751
00:37:37,441 --> 00:37:38,361
Speaker 4: to happen to happen.

752
00:37:38,801 --> 00:37:39,721
Speaker 1: That's so beautiful.

753
00:37:39,761 --> 00:37:43,201
Speaker 4: And notice what you're craving as a part. This is

754
00:37:43,241 --> 00:37:45,321
Speaker 4: a dance as a woman. You might be saying I

755
00:37:45,361 --> 00:37:47,841
Speaker 4: want to slow things down, or you might be young, no,

756
00:37:47,881 --> 00:37:51,161
Speaker 4: I want to speed things up. But notice your own experience.

757
00:37:51,201 --> 00:37:55,321
Speaker 4: There's nothing wrong other than not trusting our own experience.

758
00:37:56,281 --> 00:37:58,241
Speaker 3: It's so funny at Kurt and I often say that

759
00:37:58,281 --> 00:38:00,241
Speaker 3: we feel like well, for him to feel love, like

760
00:38:00,281 --> 00:38:02,801
Speaker 3: you just said before, he needs to have sex. But

761
00:38:02,801 --> 00:38:06,721
Speaker 3: then for me to want to have slow, long, passionate

762
00:38:06,761 --> 00:38:09,401
Speaker 3: good sex, I need to feel love first. So I

763
00:38:09,441 --> 00:38:11,121
Speaker 3: need to feel connected. I need him to be there

764
00:38:11,121 --> 00:38:13,641
Speaker 3: throughout the day, physical touch, telling me the nice things.

765
00:38:13,681 --> 00:38:15,841
Speaker 3: But if it's busy and I'm not getting that, that's

766
00:38:15,881 --> 00:38:17,281
Speaker 3: where we start to disconnect.

767
00:38:17,761 --> 00:38:22,721
Speaker 4: There's an idea around fullness. Women need to feel empty.

768
00:38:25,161 --> 00:38:27,761
Speaker 4: Now I don't have to wash the socks and I

769
00:38:27,841 --> 00:38:31,121
Speaker 4: don't have to think about the dishes. Now I'm empty

770
00:38:31,201 --> 00:38:32,201
Speaker 4: and I can surrender.

771
00:38:33,081 --> 00:38:34,161
Speaker 1: The mental load's done.

772
00:38:34,361 --> 00:38:37,161
Speaker 4: That's right. I have to surrender because I want to

773
00:38:37,201 --> 00:38:42,281
Speaker 4: surrender to the divine. Where a male fills with stress,

774
00:38:42,401 --> 00:38:46,201
Speaker 4: feels full and he wants to feel empty relief and

775
00:38:46,441 --> 00:38:49,361
Speaker 4: so feel release, and he does as sex makes him

776
00:38:49,361 --> 00:38:53,361
Speaker 4: feel empty. So suddenly if he's all full, his libido

777
00:38:53,441 --> 00:38:56,161
Speaker 4: will go up. It's a mess, really, the way we're

778
00:38:56,201 --> 00:39:00,281
Speaker 4: set up it is. This is awareness. We're talking about

779
00:39:00,321 --> 00:39:04,721
Speaker 4: conscious relationships and being aware of our own nature. And

780
00:39:05,361 --> 00:39:09,041
Speaker 4: so as a male, if you feel, yeah, I need

781
00:39:09,081 --> 00:39:12,001
Speaker 4: to have sex to feel love, it's like let that

782
00:39:12,041 --> 00:39:15,241
Speaker 4: build up a little bit and feel that sexual nature

783
00:39:15,241 --> 00:39:17,241
Speaker 4: and then oh, maybe I need to bring this in

784
00:39:17,241 --> 00:39:19,761
Speaker 4: different way. Maybe I could use it with words. Maybe

785
00:39:19,801 --> 00:39:22,281
Speaker 4: I could say to you how gorgeous you look and

786
00:39:22,321 --> 00:39:26,081
Speaker 4: how amazing and you're radiating today and start to bring

787
00:39:26,121 --> 00:39:29,281
Speaker 4: that sexual energy. So, in a sense, having sex, there's

788
00:39:29,321 --> 00:39:31,161
Speaker 4: a whole idea that four plays twenty four.

789
00:39:30,961 --> 00:39:33,521
Speaker 1: Hours, Yeah, starting it, I agree, yeah's.

790
00:39:33,321 --> 00:39:36,961
Speaker 4: Twenty four hours a day. And are you working her

791
00:39:37,081 --> 00:39:37,921
Speaker 4: up to the bedroom?

792
00:39:38,241 --> 00:39:38,960
Speaker 1: Yeah?

793
00:39:39,121 --> 00:39:42,761
Speaker 4: You know, so it's not a four place three seconds?

794
00:39:42,881 --> 00:39:44,681
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, and then it's done. If men are not

795
00:39:44,721 --> 00:39:46,921
Speaker 1: aware of that too, I think women then can just

796
00:39:47,281 --> 00:39:49,601
Speaker 1: PITIFU can just do it, they want to tick the

797
00:39:49,641 --> 00:39:51,721
Speaker 1: box and make them feel good or like oh okay,

798
00:39:52,001 --> 00:39:54,321
Speaker 1: and that's just not conscious and beautiful and not a

799
00:39:54,361 --> 00:39:55,761
Speaker 1: good experience for either.

800
00:39:55,841 --> 00:39:59,201
Speaker 4: Really, there's places for everyone, but it's really important to

801
00:39:59,241 --> 00:40:03,241
Speaker 4: acknowledge that as a woman, this doesn't actually make me

802
00:40:03,281 --> 00:40:07,480
Speaker 4: feel good. And the truth is, I truly believe there's

803
00:40:07,521 --> 00:40:10,001
Speaker 4: no better sex for a man than when a woman

804
00:40:10,041 --> 00:40:15,361
Speaker 4: is in desire. Yes, it's just it's just radiates. Men

805
00:40:15,441 --> 00:40:19,241
Speaker 4: need to know that themselves, And of course there's a

806
00:40:19,281 --> 00:40:20,761
Speaker 4: time and a place I'll do this for you, and

807
00:40:20,761 --> 00:40:23,841
Speaker 4: I'll do that. Fundamentally, you don't want your relationship built

808
00:40:23,881 --> 00:40:24,081
Speaker 4: on that.

809
00:40:24,201 --> 00:40:26,041
Speaker 3: No compromise every now and then.

810
00:40:26,121 --> 00:40:29,721
Speaker 4: But yeah, yeah, that's right, but really.

811
00:40:29,441 --> 00:40:30,721
Speaker 3: Feel the love and the connection.

812
00:40:32,121 --> 00:40:35,440
Speaker 4: Yeah, the other love and connection and sex in some

813
00:40:35,481 --> 00:40:40,201
Speaker 4: ways is reminding us of that. Yeah, but slowing down,

814
00:40:40,241 --> 00:40:43,561
Speaker 4: so not just slowing sex down, slowing life down. Yeah,

815
00:40:43,641 --> 00:40:46,121
Speaker 4: I need you to tell me how gorgeous I am

816
00:40:47,361 --> 00:40:49,801
Speaker 4: And I just told you five minutes ago. Well, I

817
00:40:49,921 --> 00:40:53,161
Speaker 4: need to tell me. I want more.

818
00:40:53,641 --> 00:40:54,441
Speaker 1: I want more.

819
00:40:55,881 --> 00:40:56,601
Speaker 4: Good for you.

820
00:40:56,801 --> 00:40:58,841
Speaker 1: Sometimes I think as women we would carry shame around

821
00:40:58,921 --> 00:41:01,601
Speaker 1: requesting and wanting more, like we're too needy or too much.

822
00:41:01,641 --> 00:41:04,161
Speaker 1: But it's like when you bring the playfulness into it, Steve,

823
00:41:04,241 --> 00:41:07,561
Speaker 1: I want more. It's funny, it breaks it breaks it

824
00:41:07,641 --> 00:41:09,961
Speaker 1: down and brings lightness. So then I feel like the

825
00:41:10,081 --> 00:41:13,121
Speaker 1: masculine is more attracted and drawn into that playfulness because

826
00:41:13,121 --> 00:41:15,960
Speaker 1: it's silly and fun. It's not needy, and like, yeah,

827
00:41:16,401 --> 00:41:20,401
Speaker 1: it feels nicer. The inner critics so interesting, and I'm

828
00:41:20,441 --> 00:41:23,681
Speaker 1: really excited that we get to touch on that on Wednesday.

829
00:41:23,841 --> 00:41:25,681
Speaker 1: So wrap this episode here. I feel like we could

830
00:41:25,681 --> 00:41:29,081
Speaker 1: talk to you for days and hours, so much fun.

831
00:41:29,241 --> 00:41:31,401
Speaker 1: So on Wednesday, going to be talking about men's mental

832
00:41:31,401 --> 00:41:34,041
Speaker 1: health and in a critic, which is really exciting, but

833
00:41:34,081 --> 00:41:37,601
Speaker 1: thank you so much for being here. If anyone's listening

834
00:41:37,761 --> 00:41:39,201
Speaker 1: is like, oh, I want to do a session with him.

835
00:41:39,281 --> 00:41:40,761
Speaker 1: Where do they find you?

836
00:41:40,761 --> 00:41:43,801
Speaker 4: You can find me at Bradfanel dot com, brad fanell

837
00:41:44,121 --> 00:41:46,481
Speaker 4: f E double n E, double L my Insta.

838
00:41:47,161 --> 00:41:49,361
Speaker 1: Your Instagram is amazing. I love your just short little

839
00:41:49,401 --> 00:41:51,481
Speaker 1: clips are so easy to digest and funny and just

840
00:41:51,521 --> 00:41:53,241
Speaker 1: like your energy. You do a little role playing as well,

841
00:41:53,281 --> 00:41:53,801
Speaker 1: which I love.

842
00:41:53,961 --> 00:41:56,921
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm just curious about life and we're fun, noticing

843
00:41:57,001 --> 00:42:03,440
Speaker 4: and fun. Then we were talking about this earlier comedy, laughter, fun, playfulness, seriousness.

844
00:42:03,561 --> 00:42:05,361
Speaker 4: It's good, but not too much.

845
00:42:05,681 --> 00:42:07,521
Speaker 1: I also love how you said, just to wrap it up,

846
00:42:07,641 --> 00:42:10,201
Speaker 1: that you're not anti anything. I love that. It's just

847
00:42:10,201 --> 00:42:12,161
Speaker 1: so for minded. It's like there's no wrong, right good

848
00:42:12,161 --> 00:42:14,161
Speaker 1: about it. It's like, let's explore this, see how it

849
00:42:14,161 --> 00:42:16,121
Speaker 1: feels for you, see how it feels for the relationship.

850
00:42:16,281 --> 00:42:17,520
Speaker 1: Like that's so cool.

851
00:42:17,561 --> 00:42:20,841
Speaker 4: Let's all fall in love with ourselves, with each other.

852
00:42:21,361 --> 00:42:23,601
Speaker 4: Everyone nature.

853
00:42:23,841 --> 00:42:24,921
Speaker 1: How do you see your last name?

854
00:42:25,201 --> 00:42:25,561
Speaker 4: Fel?

855
00:42:25,801 --> 00:42:32,521
Speaker 1: I've been saying Fenel, what I'm actually anything?

856
00:42:33,041 --> 00:42:36,801
Speaker 4: I couldn't I couldn't care less. I've had the boys

857
00:42:36,801 --> 00:42:37,161
Speaker 4: are talking.

858
00:42:37,681 --> 00:42:40,361
Speaker 1: Everyone says that I know great vegetable.

859
00:42:40,521 --> 00:42:43,481
Speaker 4: It's a great actually love that, Like, if you're going

860
00:42:43,521 --> 00:42:46,121
Speaker 4: to be named after any veget.

861
00:42:45,881 --> 00:42:48,601
Speaker 1: It's a great vegetory name. I don't know. It goes

862
00:42:48,601 --> 00:42:51,841
Speaker 1: with so much, how would you explain it? Flavor adds

863
00:42:51,841 --> 00:42:55,241
Speaker 1: so much flavor to it, doesn't it. Licorice, you add

864
00:42:55,281 --> 00:43:03,841
Speaker 1: so much flavor to life. So thank you so much

865
00:43:03,881 --> 00:43:06,601
Speaker 1: for joining us, and stay tuned guys for Wednesday. It's

866
00:43:06,641 --> 00:43:08,841
Speaker 1: going to be an incredible episode. We'll see then. Bye

867
00:43:08,921 --> 00:43:09,161
Speaker 1: bye

868
00:43:14,561 --> 00:43:14,601
Speaker 4: H