1 00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:01,720 Speaker 1: Hi, everybody all. 2 00:00:01,760 --> 00:00:05,240 Speaker 2: Welcome back to Tuesday's episode of Heart than Yesterday. 3 00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:09,080 Speaker 1: I'm in a really good mood today, Guys. 4 00:00:09,119 --> 00:00:12,840 Speaker 2: Let's all be so happy because in the past month 5 00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:15,040 Speaker 2: or so that's been very far and few in between. 6 00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:21,400 Speaker 2: My happiness has rapidly declined ever since getting off my medication. 7 00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:25,680 Speaker 2: But like, I'm feeling like myself again. Everything's good and guys, 8 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:29,800 Speaker 2: not too alarm you, but like less than three weeks 9 00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:34,360 Speaker 2: until I'm back in Australia, so excited, so excited to 10 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:38,080 Speaker 2: see my friends, so excited to see my family. Just 11 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:39,920 Speaker 2: like now I know that my trip is coming to 12 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:41,959 Speaker 2: an end, and I'm so content about it. And I'm 13 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,880 Speaker 2: so content out of everything I've learned, which I definitely 14 00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:47,559 Speaker 2: want to dive into more. I was going to make 15 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:49,040 Speaker 2: a TikTok about it, and then I was like, you 16 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:52,040 Speaker 2: know what, some people on TikTok don't have my best 17 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:54,120 Speaker 2: intentions at heart. So I'm going to spread it on 18 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:57,040 Speaker 2: the potty because you guys are my day ones, and 19 00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:59,600 Speaker 2: you guys truly really like I feel like you guys 20 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:01,480 Speaker 2: get me and you understand me, and this is like 21 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:02,760 Speaker 2: a safe platform for me. 22 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:05,600 Speaker 1: So I'm going to dive into that. 23 00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:09,120 Speaker 2: And we're gonna really talk about my anxiety and my 24 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:14,199 Speaker 2: social anxiety because it is at an all time high 25 00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:19,080 Speaker 2: recently and I've really started to understand it, understand what 26 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,040 Speaker 2: triggers it, and I want to talk to you guys 27 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:23,240 Speaker 2: are a little bit more about it and open up 28 00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:24,839 Speaker 2: to you guys a little bit more about it because 29 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:27,080 Speaker 2: I know when I speak about stuff I'm struggling with, 30 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:29,160 Speaker 2: it makes people feel less alone. 31 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:31,080 Speaker 1: So my purpose is. 32 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:35,240 Speaker 2: To start conversations and all about that stuff and get 33 00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:38,160 Speaker 2: people on to talk about it. So if I'm going 34 00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:40,280 Speaker 2: to get other people to be vulnerable on my podcast 35 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:43,520 Speaker 2: about it, I've got to be vulnerable about. 36 00:01:43,319 --> 00:01:43,839 Speaker 1: It as well. 37 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:50,720 Speaker 2: So I made a TikTok last week for you guys, 38 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,680 Speaker 2: and it was about how I attended a fashion week 39 00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:57,320 Speaker 2: show in London by myself, which is an amazing opportunity 40 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,000 Speaker 2: and I'm so blessed within my job that I gets 41 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:03,280 Speaker 2: those opportunities to be able to go to these type 42 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:04,040 Speaker 2: of shows. 43 00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:04,600 Speaker 1: And everything like that. 44 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:07,080 Speaker 2: And majority of the time, if I have like an 45 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:09,440 Speaker 2: event or something that I get to go to in London, 46 00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:11,880 Speaker 2: I will always ask for a plus one and if 47 00:02:11,919 --> 00:02:16,280 Speaker 2: they don't say yes, like I won't go. And something 48 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:20,000 Speaker 2: I am disappointed about in myself I've been reflecting upon 49 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:23,080 Speaker 2: is that I haven't put myself out there enough in London. 50 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:25,120 Speaker 1: I'm not blaming anyone in. 51 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:28,560 Speaker 2: Particular, but as you guys know, I was dating someone 52 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,640 Speaker 2: and he was German and he lived in Turkey. So 53 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:34,480 Speaker 2: because I was all consumed by that, and I was 54 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:36,079 Speaker 2: in my little love bubble and I was having so 55 00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:39,160 Speaker 2: much fun with them and all his friends, I didn't 56 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:42,040 Speaker 2: really go out of my way to meet my own 57 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:44,920 Speaker 2: friends and make it my own friendship group here in 58 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:47,320 Speaker 2: London because I was always traveling here, there, and everywhere 59 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:49,480 Speaker 2: seeing him, and then when I would come back here, 60 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:51,320 Speaker 2: i'd just hang out with my Aussie friends, which I'm 61 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:54,120 Speaker 2: not complaining about. I absolutely loved and I obviously made 62 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,799 Speaker 2: that decision, but I didn't really go to the effort 63 00:02:56,880 --> 00:03:00,400 Speaker 2: to make and meet new people here because I was 64 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:04,080 Speaker 2: making and meeting so many people around Europe, if that 65 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:06,280 Speaker 2: makes sense. So in my head, I was like, yeah, 66 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:09,120 Speaker 2: I'm making so many friends and like meeting so many people, 67 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,919 Speaker 2: but they don't live in London and they're not living 68 00:03:11,919 --> 00:03:14,360 Speaker 2: in London, so I don't really know a lot of 69 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:17,040 Speaker 2: people in the industry, and the industry here is really 70 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:20,200 Speaker 2: really scary. It's like ten times a scale. There are 71 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:23,399 Speaker 2: so many bigger content creators. There's like a lot more 72 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:26,440 Speaker 2: TV stars that are like influencers as well. Like I 73 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,120 Speaker 2: feel like sometimes in Australia, like if you're a TV 74 00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:31,920 Speaker 2: style you're in a bit of a different category or 75 00:03:31,919 --> 00:03:34,960 Speaker 2: like social scene compared to like influencers in social media. 76 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:36,160 Speaker 1: At least that's my opinion. 77 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:39,280 Speaker 2: The Love Island stars not so much, but like everybody 78 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:43,560 Speaker 2: else but others, there's so many more TV reality TV people, 79 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,880 Speaker 2: more content creators, and it's just like a way bigger 80 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:50,240 Speaker 2: scene here. There's way more budgets and everything, like that's 81 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,560 Speaker 2: a very well known thing. There's just more people here, right, 82 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:55,840 Speaker 2: So it's just a lot more intimidating. Like I'm a 83 00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:58,600 Speaker 2: little Australian girl that you definitely don't know. Like my 84 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:01,839 Speaker 2: audience's majority alien, so I kind of go into every 85 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:04,240 Speaker 2: situation assuming that people don't know me, which is like 86 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:08,720 Speaker 2: fair enough, but in a non egotistical way. In Melbourne, 87 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:12,000 Speaker 2: I'm a lot more established. There's less people, I have 88 00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:14,760 Speaker 2: a bigger Australian audience. I've been working in the industry 89 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,039 Speaker 2: in Australia for a lot more time. And I have 90 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:19,600 Speaker 2: a lot of friends that are in the Australian industry. 91 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:21,360 Speaker 2: Hence why like when I come over here, I'm hanging 92 00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:23,920 Speaker 2: out with Aussie content creators. Like you kind of just 93 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:25,720 Speaker 2: go on a pack, which is just like normal. It's 94 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:27,560 Speaker 2: kind of like high school, like you then hang out 95 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,000 Speaker 2: with the people that you went to high school with 96 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,400 Speaker 2: like a few years out of school, like you'll just 97 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:32,360 Speaker 2: kind of stick together. 98 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:33,720 Speaker 1: And because of. 99 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:37,240 Speaker 2: That, going to events alone is so scary unless I 100 00:04:37,279 --> 00:04:40,279 Speaker 2: can bring a friend. So yeah, if I can't get 101 00:04:40,279 --> 00:04:42,479 Speaker 2: approved for a plus one, I either like don't go 102 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:46,039 Speaker 2: because it's so scary. And like I would go to 103 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:48,240 Speaker 2: an event alone in Melbourne, and I'm happy to rock 104 00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:51,360 Speaker 2: up alone because I know if not my direct friendship 105 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:54,719 Speaker 2: group is going, like if Izzy's not going, for example, 106 00:04:54,839 --> 00:04:57,839 Speaker 2: or Alana or Siena or something like that, Like I 107 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,880 Speaker 2: know there'll be girls in the industry that might be there, 108 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:04,560 Speaker 2: Like I might run into Lexi, Mary or Jade or 109 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,480 Speaker 2: something like that. Like, and I know of people and 110 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:08,880 Speaker 2: because you go, you know friends of friends and the 111 00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:10,479 Speaker 2: majority of the time you went to high school with 112 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:13,040 Speaker 2: some of these people and you'll have heaps of mutuals 113 00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:16,039 Speaker 2: and you'll have shit to talk about, right, It's a given. 114 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:18,960 Speaker 2: It's kind of like going to a party. Not really 115 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,640 Speaker 2: who rocks up to a party alone? I mean, if 116 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:23,320 Speaker 2: you do, fucking hats off to you. Love that about yourself. 117 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:26,600 Speaker 2: But like, I could never But because I have no 118 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,800 Speaker 2: past with these people, have no relationships. I don't know 119 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:31,720 Speaker 2: what school they went to, I don't know where they 120 00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:35,640 Speaker 2: grew up. I've got absolutely no clue anything about them. 121 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,880 Speaker 2: It makes it a lot more daunting, you know. 122 00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:40,680 Speaker 1: I feel like that's pretty justifiable. 123 00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:43,719 Speaker 2: So yeah, I don't like that. I didn't go to 124 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:46,240 Speaker 2: many events, but I got invited to a fashion show 125 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:48,480 Speaker 2: for a brand I do not know how to pronounce 126 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,719 Speaker 2: it to the life of me. It's a Ukrainian brand 127 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:52,400 Speaker 2: and I wear their jeans all the time and I 128 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,599 Speaker 2: absolutely love them. So when they asked me to come 129 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:57,440 Speaker 2: to the fashion show and that they wanted to dress me, 130 00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:01,960 Speaker 2: I was like, oh my god, that's an insane optunity. Like, yes, 131 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:05,240 Speaker 2: I would love to go. But for fashion shows you 132 00:06:05,279 --> 00:06:07,200 Speaker 2: don't get plus ones. It's a known thing. There are 133 00:06:07,279 --> 00:06:09,840 Speaker 2: very limited spots. You don't just not every time. Dick 134 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:12,680 Speaker 2: and Harry can go. It's a very niche thing that 135 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,280 Speaker 2: you just like. You don't even ask for a plus one. 136 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:17,920 Speaker 2: So I was like, yes, I'm gonna go. I woke 137 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:22,479 Speaker 2: up that morning so fucking anxious, so fucking anxious. Actually 138 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:25,839 Speaker 2: the night before, actually days before, I was thinking about 139 00:06:25,839 --> 00:06:28,200 Speaker 2: this and I was prepping myself. But the night before 140 00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:32,080 Speaker 2: couldn't sleep, literally couldn't sleep normally. Or my aura ring 141 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:35,559 Speaker 2: it tells me how quickly you can fall asleep normally. 142 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:38,880 Speaker 2: I'm asleep within that ten to fifteen minutes. An hour 143 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:41,760 Speaker 2: and nine minutes it took me to fall asleep because 144 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:46,000 Speaker 2: I was thinking about every possible situation that could have happened. 145 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:49,360 Speaker 2: Every situation you could think of happening. I thought of it. 146 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:51,840 Speaker 2: I even thought of a nuclear bomb going off, because 147 00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:55,159 Speaker 2: that is my type of brain. I'm a crazy thinker. 148 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:58,039 Speaker 2: I will always think worst case scenario, which is something 149 00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:00,880 Speaker 2: I really don't like about myself. I'm naturally quite a 150 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:05,200 Speaker 2: pessimistic person, and I wish I was more optimistic, and 151 00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:07,800 Speaker 2: you have to train your brain to like rewire it 152 00:07:07,839 --> 00:07:10,320 Speaker 2: because I think in the day and age that we're in, 153 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:13,720 Speaker 2: we are very we're all pessimistic. We always think of 154 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:16,120 Speaker 2: the worst, which is just so bad because if you 155 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,800 Speaker 2: think of the worst, you're gonna manifest the worst. Anyway, 156 00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:21,960 Speaker 2: not the topic, so fucking hos. And the show was 157 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:24,040 Speaker 2: at eleven am. So I was kind of glad that 158 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:25,680 Speaker 2: the show was at at eleven am because I didn't 159 00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:27,040 Speaker 2: have all day to think about it. 160 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:28,840 Speaker 1: So I just. 161 00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:31,440 Speaker 2: Like woke up and I was like, oh my god, 162 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:35,000 Speaker 2: and you auys might have seen like recently, like my 163 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:38,080 Speaker 2: anxiety is so bad. I had to stop my medication 164 00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:40,120 Speaker 2: because I ran out, and getting it over here has 165 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,680 Speaker 2: been quite a debarcle and. 166 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:43,000 Speaker 1: YadA, YadA, YadA. 167 00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:45,840 Speaker 2: So I was like, oh, my fucking god, there's no 168 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:47,640 Speaker 2: way I can go to this. But then I was like, 169 00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:49,640 Speaker 2: they're gonna email me. I don't want to make the 170 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:51,800 Speaker 2: brand upset. I don't want to upset the brand. I 171 00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:55,240 Speaker 2: check my seat number. I'm A one, so I am 172 00:07:56,160 --> 00:08:01,160 Speaker 2: front row, which is fucked front row A one, so 173 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:05,560 Speaker 2: I'm the first person in the row. I'm like, it 174 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:07,720 Speaker 2: will be so obvious if I'm not there, if I 175 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:09,480 Speaker 2: had like a standing seat, or if I was like 176 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:13,200 Speaker 2: a couple of rows back, like I maybe could have passed. 177 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:15,160 Speaker 2: And I was also being dressed by the brand, So 178 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:17,160 Speaker 2: the brand probably wanted to take photos of me in 179 00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:17,800 Speaker 2: the outfit. 180 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:19,680 Speaker 1: YadA YadA, YadA. 181 00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:21,720 Speaker 2: You think about all this stuff, I was like, you're 182 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:23,640 Speaker 2: fucking going and you're gonna have to go, and you're 183 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:25,800 Speaker 2: gonna have a great time, but like. 184 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:31,000 Speaker 1: So so bad. Also a little bit of backstory. 185 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:35,520 Speaker 2: I have OCD diagnosed OCD before you guys, come for me, 186 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:37,959 Speaker 2: diagnosed by a psychiatrists. 187 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:41,640 Speaker 1: I might be five too, but I'm fucking bundled. I'm full. 188 00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:46,920 Speaker 2: I'm huge personality with mental illnesses. I got depression anxiety. 189 00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:51,400 Speaker 2: I used to have anorexia nevosa. I've got ADHD. That's 190 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:54,520 Speaker 2: not a mental illness, but I am diagnosed ADHD and 191 00:08:54,679 --> 00:08:55,520 Speaker 2: I have OCD. 192 00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:57,719 Speaker 1: So, hi, guys, what elke about me? 193 00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:01,400 Speaker 2: Added to the resume honestly, but my OCAD comes up 194 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:03,800 Speaker 2: in first of all, in food, I don't like my 195 00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:06,120 Speaker 2: food touching and I don't like my food consumed. I 196 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:09,560 Speaker 2: don't like being not being able to separate it. For example, 197 00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:12,360 Speaker 2: a cye bowls. I don't like that you can't separate 198 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:14,840 Speaker 2: the mixture of the a cye bowl and then once 199 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:18,000 Speaker 2: the granola touches the a sye bowl, it's done. For 200 00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:21,880 Speaker 2: me like I really like my anxiety is really hoghened 201 00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:24,880 Speaker 2: that day, there's no way I can push past it. 202 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:28,080 Speaker 2: Some days I better than others, but when my anxiety 203 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:31,640 Speaker 2: and my OCAD are really really high, you won't see 204 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:35,880 Speaker 2: me experiencing with those foods. It really comes ebbs and 205 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,120 Speaker 2: flows in like how much I can push with it. 206 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,360 Speaker 2: But majority of the time, when I'm making food for myself, 207 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:43,800 Speaker 2: no food's touching, no sources on the food. It's on 208 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:46,560 Speaker 2: the side. I dip it in like it's weird. I 209 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:49,880 Speaker 2: don't know why. It hasn't always been like this, but 210 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:55,480 Speaker 2: in especially maybe the last eighteen months, it's really extreme, 211 00:09:55,559 --> 00:09:59,800 Speaker 2: and I'm now quite a basic eater because I don't 212 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:02,160 Speaker 2: like my food touching. I don't like broths, I don't 213 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:06,199 Speaker 2: like smoothies. I don't like anything that's not clear that 214 00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:11,000 Speaker 2: is touching. So that's one version of my OCD. Hi, 215 00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:15,360 Speaker 2: it's so nice to meet you, Honestly, I'm so fucked. 216 00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:20,160 Speaker 2: But another thing with my OCD is it's not that 217 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,560 Speaker 2: like everyone always thinks that like OCD is like where 218 00:10:22,559 --> 00:10:26,360 Speaker 2: it has to be like organized and perfect, but my 219 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:29,600 Speaker 2: OCD comes up with intrusive thoughts that like not being 220 00:10:29,679 --> 00:10:30,960 Speaker 2: like oh my god, you have to flick the lights, 221 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,400 Speaker 2: which like ten times your family's gonna die. Like not 222 00:10:33,559 --> 00:10:38,800 Speaker 2: extreme like that, but so many intrusive thoughts that I 223 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:42,520 Speaker 2: question who I am and I question my intentions of 224 00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:46,360 Speaker 2: myself almost like I don't really trust myself, but I do, 225 00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:50,320 Speaker 2: if that makes sense, Like I have intrusive thoughts about 226 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,840 Speaker 2: questioning who I am. So like in those things, it's 227 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:55,160 Speaker 2: like you don't deserve to be there, you don't belong 228 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:56,640 Speaker 2: to be. They like, you're not meant to be there. 229 00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:58,840 Speaker 2: They got the email wrong, like no no, saying they 230 00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:00,680 Speaker 2: weren't meant to dress you for that should show like, 231 00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:03,439 Speaker 2: oh they mistook you for a UK creator. You're not 232 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,120 Speaker 2: meant to be They're gonna rock up, They're not gonna 233 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:06,720 Speaker 2: know who you are. They're gonna not have a ticket 234 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:08,760 Speaker 2: for you, like they're gonna be so confused as to 235 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,960 Speaker 2: why you're there, And I'm like questioning my self worth. 236 00:11:11,559 --> 00:11:14,560 Speaker 2: That's a form of OCD, by the way, So it's 237 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,920 Speaker 2: like intrusive and it's like debilitating. So majority of the 238 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,600 Speaker 2: time when it comes to those things, I won't go 239 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:24,240 Speaker 2: because I have convinced myself of those intrusive thoughts which 240 00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:28,120 Speaker 2: is so sad and like really not like good, Like 241 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:31,080 Speaker 2: I questioning your self worth is never good, but it's 242 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:35,040 Speaker 2: so intrusive and debilitating, and I worked so hard to 243 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:38,080 Speaker 2: get over that a lot in Melbourne that like I'm like, 244 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:40,440 Speaker 2: no I know who I like. When I go to Sydney, 245 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:44,160 Speaker 2: sometimes it's really bad because again, like I'm not as 246 00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:46,640 Speaker 2: I hate saying the word like known in the scene, 247 00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:49,520 Speaker 2: but like I have built myself up in the scene 248 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:52,360 Speaker 2: that enough pr agencies will know my face, will know 249 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:54,320 Speaker 2: my name. I've worked with them on emails, I've worked 250 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:57,199 Speaker 2: with them on brand collaborations, Like I can understand that 251 00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:59,920 Speaker 2: so that I've been able to talk out those intrusive 252 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:03,360 Speaker 2: thoughts because I feel like I've been in the industry 253 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:05,800 Speaker 2: for long enough to understand that that's not true. But 254 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:09,480 Speaker 2: because I'm new here, those intrusive thoughts are really really loud, 255 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,600 Speaker 2: And that's why probably my mental health has really struggled, 256 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:16,560 Speaker 2: and my ability to put myself out there has been 257 00:12:16,679 --> 00:12:19,600 Speaker 2: harder than what I thought, because I kind of forgot 258 00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:22,599 Speaker 2: and underestimated how much work I had done in Australia 259 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:26,640 Speaker 2: and in Melbourne to get myself to trust myself in 260 00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:29,440 Speaker 2: a way but yeah, my OCD comes up in my 261 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,240 Speaker 2: intrusive thoughts, where I then question myself and my self 262 00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:36,560 Speaker 2: worth and talk myself out of things because I'm like, 263 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,480 Speaker 2: they're fucked up, like you weren't. 264 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:39,840 Speaker 1: Meant to be there, You're not meant to be there. 265 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:44,080 Speaker 2: And OCD also comes up in thinking that I'm a 266 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:47,080 Speaker 2: bad person and then I'm going to do really bad things. 267 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:51,760 Speaker 2: Saying that out loud is really really sad, not because 268 00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:56,040 Speaker 2: I have bad thoughts, but definitely when you receive hate 269 00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:59,000 Speaker 2: online for so long and so many people telling you 270 00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:03,600 Speaker 2: that you're a shit person, and like you're just constantly 271 00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:05,760 Speaker 2: getting ripped to shreds online, which I have for so 272 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:09,440 Speaker 2: many years, and honestly, like, I wouldn't change it because 273 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,600 Speaker 2: it's provided me with the life that I've had and 274 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:15,640 Speaker 2: it's the journey that I was given. But it really 275 00:13:15,679 --> 00:13:19,640 Speaker 2: makes me second guess myself because I almost convince myself 276 00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,120 Speaker 2: they're like if so many people hate me and so 277 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:25,640 Speaker 2: many people literally want me dead and like couldn't bear 278 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:27,880 Speaker 2: the thought of being in a room with me. Have 279 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,760 Speaker 2: I gas liped myself into thinking that I'm a good person. 280 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:34,040 Speaker 2: And that's where my like, it's like again a form 281 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,720 Speaker 2: of OCD, but like, I fully think that I gaslight 282 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:40,319 Speaker 2: myself into thinking that I'm a good person when I'm 283 00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:42,560 Speaker 2: actually not, and that you're like Sam, you're. 284 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:43,880 Speaker 1: A terrible person. You're a horrible person. 285 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:45,920 Speaker 2: No one wants you there, and you're a bad person, 286 00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:50,079 Speaker 2: like everything like that, And I don't like getting reassurance 287 00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:53,160 Speaker 2: from it because then I feel like people are lying. 288 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,920 Speaker 2: I'm like, you're lying, You're lying to me. Sounds like 289 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,040 Speaker 2: I just like lack faith in humanity, which I do, 290 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:01,840 Speaker 2: but I also lack faith in myself. And then that's 291 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:03,679 Speaker 2: when it comes up in friendships of like I love 292 00:14:03,679 --> 00:14:06,079 Speaker 2: when people open up to me because I'm like, Okay, 293 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:08,360 Speaker 2: they trust me, like they don't think I'm a bad person, 294 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:11,840 Speaker 2: they want to talk to me about things. And I 295 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,880 Speaker 2: then like to be like the soulver of friends because 296 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:17,760 Speaker 2: I want people to be able to lean on me. 297 00:14:18,679 --> 00:14:21,840 Speaker 2: But I question myself as an individual because I'm like, 298 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,560 Speaker 2: why am I like this? Why do so many people 299 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:28,760 Speaker 2: hate me? And because I have received hate, I like 300 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:31,240 Speaker 2: assume that everyone hates me, that no one wants me, 301 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:33,760 Speaker 2: that I'm not wanted, that I'm a pity invite. So 302 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:37,680 Speaker 2: when my anxiety is really bad. It Really, my OCD 303 00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:40,600 Speaker 2: is really heightened, and I become super aware. It's like 304 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:44,400 Speaker 2: a seventh sense, and I'm just like so heightened, so 305 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:47,360 Speaker 2: hyper aware. I will look at anything and like immediately 306 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:51,240 Speaker 2: assume it, Like I will read into anything, like if 307 00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:55,000 Speaker 2: the train tube gets delayed, for example, which thank got 308 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:56,560 Speaker 2: it didn't on the way to the fashion show. But 309 00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,560 Speaker 2: if the tube got delayed, I would have been like, Okay, 310 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:02,240 Speaker 2: someone would have hated me there and they didn't want 311 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:04,040 Speaker 2: me there, so like, thank god the tubes delayed, because 312 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:05,400 Speaker 2: I meant to miss the fashion show and I'm not 313 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,280 Speaker 2: meant to be there, And then I'll be like, Okay, 314 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:12,520 Speaker 2: that's why I shouldn't go, like very intrusive, very irrational, 315 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:16,880 Speaker 2: and honestly not making myself saying stupid. 316 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:17,800 Speaker 1: Very fucking stupid. 317 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:21,520 Speaker 2: First of all, you're not really that important that people 318 00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:25,320 Speaker 2: are gonna hate you so much. But also it's so 319 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:31,160 Speaker 2: debilitating because what an amazing opportunity, Like I'm twenty three 320 00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:34,240 Speaker 2: and I got invited to a fashion week show in London, 321 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:39,000 Speaker 2: Like that's crazy, but my own brain can rationalize how 322 00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:41,600 Speaker 2: amazing it is and like see how amazing it is, 323 00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:46,240 Speaker 2: but also ruin that for me at the same time, 324 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:50,000 Speaker 2: and it just sucks, like it really really sucks. And 325 00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:54,320 Speaker 2: social anxiety is something I will always have and. 326 00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:56,760 Speaker 1: It definitely goes in ebbs and flows, like I. 327 00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:59,360 Speaker 2: Think I'll have mental health problems for like the rest 328 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:02,880 Speaker 2: of my life. But you learn how to deal with 329 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,680 Speaker 2: it and you learn how to come and go with it. 330 00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:09,400 Speaker 2: And I've definitely realized I have really fixed my social 331 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:12,760 Speaker 2: anxiety in Melbourne, but there's still so much work that 332 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:16,320 Speaker 2: needs to be done and that is just something like 333 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:19,040 Speaker 2: the biggest thing I've learned about being in London, and 334 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:22,720 Speaker 2: I'm so glad I had the opportunity to come to London, 335 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:24,800 Speaker 2: and I spoke about it a little bit on my 336 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:28,560 Speaker 2: TikTok as well. That I've been in London, I will 337 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,640 Speaker 2: almost been in London for five and a half months 338 00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:32,120 Speaker 2: when I then I arrive home. 339 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:33,960 Speaker 1: And for right. 340 00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:36,760 Speaker 2: Now in my life, I've learned everything that I needed 341 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:40,840 Speaker 2: to learn being here, and I have done so much 342 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,000 Speaker 2: reflecting over the last couple of weeks, and I'm itching 343 00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:45,720 Speaker 2: to get home because I just want to start my 344 00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:48,360 Speaker 2: life with this new apt look and everything that I have, 345 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:51,080 Speaker 2: Like I feel like my career wise, i've kind of 346 00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:56,880 Speaker 2: failed career wise, because I haven't really again put myself 347 00:16:56,880 --> 00:17:00,280 Speaker 2: out here enough and grown enough and done everything like that. 348 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:02,440 Speaker 1: But for individual growth. 349 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,359 Speaker 2: I know that I would not have grown the same 350 00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:07,760 Speaker 2: way that I would have grown if I didn't come 351 00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:11,840 Speaker 2: to London and completely remove myself from so many situations 352 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,520 Speaker 2: that I needed to then look at from a bigger picture. 353 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:17,480 Speaker 2: I'm so glad I have the opportunity and the flexibility 354 00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:20,920 Speaker 2: to do that with my job, because I'm so. 355 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:21,880 Speaker 1: So grateful for it. 356 00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:24,960 Speaker 2: If you guys are looking at moving any place for 357 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:28,560 Speaker 2: like six months, twelve months, I push you to do it. 358 00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:30,360 Speaker 1: Like I always ask. 359 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,240 Speaker 2: My friends, like what's going on at home, and they're like, 360 00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:35,960 Speaker 2: do not worry, Like, do not stress. Everything is literally 361 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:38,240 Speaker 2: the same when you come home, because like again I 362 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:41,160 Speaker 2: have FOMO and they're like, do not worry. Everything will 363 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:43,040 Speaker 2: be the same when you get home. You're not missing 364 00:17:43,119 --> 00:17:47,280 Speaker 2: out on anything. It is just the same. Like keep going, 365 00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:51,359 Speaker 2: keep growing. And I'm so glad I've pushed past it 366 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:53,840 Speaker 2: and I know that I've learned everything I need to 367 00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:57,400 Speaker 2: learn at this stage of my journey of being in 368 00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:00,000 Speaker 2: London that I'm ready to go home and to apply 369 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:02,680 Speaker 2: in the life that I'm ready to grow in and 370 00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:07,160 Speaker 2: continue to establishing because I don't know where I want 371 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,880 Speaker 2: to end up and don't know where I want my life, 372 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:10,760 Speaker 2: so I'm not going to continue to build a life 373 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:14,480 Speaker 2: here when I just feel like it feels right to 374 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:14,960 Speaker 2: be back. 375 00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:17,320 Speaker 1: In Australia for the time being and that. 376 00:18:17,359 --> 00:18:20,320 Speaker 2: To be my base, and who knows, I could be 377 00:18:20,359 --> 00:18:23,840 Speaker 2: doing the same thing again next year and everything like that. 378 00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:26,080 Speaker 2: But right now, I'm just like going with the punches, 379 00:18:26,119 --> 00:18:30,000 Speaker 2: and I'm someone who needs to have direction, and I'm 380 00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:33,080 Speaker 2: struggling with direction here. I'm struggling with knowing what to 381 00:18:33,119 --> 00:18:35,480 Speaker 2: do exactly, and I feel like I have a lot 382 00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:39,320 Speaker 2: more direction back in Australia, which I'm going to follow 383 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:41,520 Speaker 2: because that's where my heart feels like it needs to 384 00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:45,159 Speaker 2: be at the moment, and I'm going to acknowledge that 385 00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:48,800 Speaker 2: and not push it away and follow that calling and 386 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,959 Speaker 2: do what feels right. And now I'm just like itching 387 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:53,639 Speaker 2: to get home because i feel like I'm in like 388 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:55,359 Speaker 2: a waiting period. I feel like I'm in like a 389 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:57,880 Speaker 2: holding cell because there's so much of me that wants 390 00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,600 Speaker 2: to do it, but like I can't go home right 391 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,600 Speaker 2: now because I'm going to Paris and. 392 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:06,320 Speaker 1: That I'm fucking excited for. But I'm like ready to 393 00:19:06,359 --> 00:19:06,760 Speaker 1: go home. 394 00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:09,640 Speaker 2: I'm like, Okay, I've learned so much, I've grown so much, 395 00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:13,280 Speaker 2: and I really have, and I know I wouldn't have 396 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:17,200 Speaker 2: done that. I have mentioned on the podcast a little 397 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:22,320 Speaker 2: bit about my ex boyfriend and ex boyfriend situation that fuck, 398 00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:25,000 Speaker 2: I'm just going to go ham. I'm obviously, I'm honestly 399 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:28,960 Speaker 2: just gonna upload on you like I obviously. I think 400 00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,880 Speaker 2: I told you guys that I thought we would get 401 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:34,520 Speaker 2: back together at one point, and it took me. We 402 00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:36,320 Speaker 2: were still in contact on and off for a year 403 00:19:36,359 --> 00:19:39,880 Speaker 2: and a half and all of that shit. And I'm 404 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:42,080 Speaker 2: not coming from a way of it. I am trying 405 00:19:42,119 --> 00:19:45,080 Speaker 2: to speak negatively about him and speak shit about him, 406 00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:47,040 Speaker 2: because he is a really good person. But what he 407 00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:50,520 Speaker 2: put me through wasn't a good thing, and he we 408 00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,159 Speaker 2: didn't bring out the best in each other in the 409 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:54,920 Speaker 2: end of it, to be honest, and he didn't want 410 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,440 Speaker 2: to let me go completely. And I get that we 411 00:19:57,440 --> 00:20:01,640 Speaker 2: were each other's first love, but he through that brought 412 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:05,199 Speaker 2: out toxic sides of us. And he's not perfect and 413 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:08,720 Speaker 2: I'm far from perfect, but what he put me through 414 00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:14,879 Speaker 2: emotionally was fucked and just like the emotional back and 415 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:18,719 Speaker 2: forth and everything like that was so debilitating and I 416 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:23,560 Speaker 2: don't think me coming to London completely and utterly stopped 417 00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:25,080 Speaker 2: that cycle for myself. 418 00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:26,680 Speaker 1: I learned how. 419 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,720 Speaker 2: To put my fucking foot in the ground and I'm 420 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:31,639 Speaker 2: so proud of it because I kept I would always 421 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:34,240 Speaker 2: try to push him away and be like no, no, no, 422 00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:36,120 Speaker 2: we're not meant to be together. But in the back 423 00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:38,159 Speaker 2: of my mind, I always thought about what if, and 424 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,240 Speaker 2: that's what kept me there, That's what kept him there. 425 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:42,879 Speaker 2: And it was toxic and it was not right and 426 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:45,880 Speaker 2: it was not fair and it wasn't there on either 427 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:46,320 Speaker 2: of us. 428 00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:49,760 Speaker 1: But like, that's why when people go. 429 00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:53,600 Speaker 2: Like, oh, you're a town pike in Melbourne and everything that, 430 00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:56,080 Speaker 2: I'm like, dude, guys like I literally couldn't go on 431 00:20:56,280 --> 00:21:00,680 Speaker 2: dates with people because this man would find and then 432 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,680 Speaker 2: messaged me being like if I went on a date 433 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:05,560 Speaker 2: with Barry at fucking like, Okay, I went on a 434 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:07,439 Speaker 2: date with this guy the last day I went on 435 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:09,600 Speaker 2: in Australia. I went on a date with this guy 436 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:12,879 Speaker 2: to Gracy's Wine Room. Okay, Yes, Gracie's Wine Room is 437 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:15,119 Speaker 2: a popular place I love Gracie's wine room, but we 438 00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:15,640 Speaker 2: went there. 439 00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:18,400 Speaker 1: I knew no one in that wine bar. 440 00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:21,600 Speaker 2: But why do I get a text two hours later 441 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:23,880 Speaker 2: after I went to Gracy's wine room, after I came 442 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:26,400 Speaker 2: home from the date, from him being like, how's Gracey's 443 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,720 Speaker 2: wine room? Any person I would speak to you even 444 00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:30,520 Speaker 2: if I had never met them in real life, like 445 00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:33,720 Speaker 2: he would text being like, how's this person? The guy 446 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:36,119 Speaker 2: I dated in Bali last year, the reason I pretty 447 00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:39,200 Speaker 2: much broke up with him is because he knew about it. 448 00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:42,679 Speaker 2: Found the guy was liking all these photos, which like 449 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,959 Speaker 2: fair enough because I probably gave him a little bit 450 00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:48,960 Speaker 2: and we completely never really let each other go. And 451 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:51,679 Speaker 2: in his defense, he never really dated anyone. And I 452 00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:53,680 Speaker 2: always like, I want a boyfriend, I want to build 453 00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:55,840 Speaker 2: a life with someone, So that's probably what I was doing. 454 00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:58,080 Speaker 2: But like, that's why I gave updating in Melbourne by 455 00:21:58,119 --> 00:21:59,920 Speaker 2: the end of it, because I was like, you're not 456 00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:02,119 Speaker 2: letting me go, You're not fully letting me go, so 457 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:05,399 Speaker 2: I can't fully be open. I'm giving these men or 458 00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:08,879 Speaker 2: people opportunities to get to know me and me to 459 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:12,920 Speaker 2: be giving you so much like to me, me giving 460 00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:14,560 Speaker 2: themselves to you. Because at the end of the day, 461 00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:16,560 Speaker 2: like I don't want to have someone who's in contact 462 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,480 Speaker 2: with their ex, who has shit going on with their ex, 463 00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:21,800 Speaker 2: and then messy situation with their ex. So I like 464 00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,400 Speaker 2: completely stopped dating in Melbourne and pretty much this whole 465 00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:27,399 Speaker 2: year because I was like, I don't want that, Like 466 00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:29,439 Speaker 2: I wouldn't want that if from a guy that I 467 00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:31,679 Speaker 2: was speaking to, and I really like, so I'm not 468 00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:33,760 Speaker 2: going to be that person to them because it's not fair. 469 00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:38,359 Speaker 2: So that is literally why I haven't dated and like 470 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:41,200 Speaker 2: barely dated in Melbourne, because it's just like he would 471 00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:44,080 Speaker 2: find out fucking everything, Like he literally would find out everything. 472 00:22:44,119 --> 00:22:46,480 Speaker 2: And it was like I'm so glad that like that 473 00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:48,280 Speaker 2: is now in the past and I'm going back to 474 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:52,520 Speaker 2: Melbourne with like nothing tying me to him, like and 475 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:57,320 Speaker 2: I can truly truly fucking say like I feel clear 476 00:22:57,359 --> 00:23:01,239 Speaker 2: minded and clear headed and nothing like nothing makes me 477 00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:04,159 Speaker 2: want to ever like speak to him again or have 478 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:08,199 Speaker 2: a conversation with him or anything like that, like me 479 00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:11,480 Speaker 2: dating this guy that I dated over here, and again 480 00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:13,560 Speaker 2: like that's why I would date like so many people, 481 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:15,600 Speaker 2: like not so many, but like I would be way 482 00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:18,359 Speaker 2: more open to meeting people overseas, because I knew that 483 00:23:18,359 --> 00:23:20,479 Speaker 2: he wouldn't find them, or I knew that he wouldn't 484 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:23,359 Speaker 2: speak speak to them, or meet them or running to 485 00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:26,840 Speaker 2: them or anything. There was no crossroads. So when I 486 00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:30,840 Speaker 2: dated the guy here, that was like the best thing 487 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:33,440 Speaker 2: for me ever. And yes it may not have lasted 488 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:35,719 Speaker 2: long and he might not have been my partner, but 489 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:39,000 Speaker 2: even the psychics said, like, he's going to teach you something, 490 00:23:39,359 --> 00:23:41,440 Speaker 2: And he taught me what I wanted to did a relationship. 491 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:43,719 Speaker 2: He taught me what I look for in the future, 492 00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:45,439 Speaker 2: what I look for in a man, the way I 493 00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:49,440 Speaker 2: want to be treated, my love languages, because I didn't 494 00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:51,600 Speaker 2: know that, and I lost that, and I lost part 495 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:55,040 Speaker 2: of that and everything that like I could only think 496 00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:58,280 Speaker 2: that of, like toxic behaviors and stuff like that, because 497 00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:01,800 Speaker 2: even though my past relationship healthy by the end of it, 498 00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:04,840 Speaker 2: we got so toxic when we were broken up, and 499 00:24:04,840 --> 00:24:08,080 Speaker 2: that's all I could think about. And I completely lost 500 00:24:08,119 --> 00:24:11,280 Speaker 2: faith in men and relationships and always thought the worst 501 00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:17,840 Speaker 2: of people because of honestly, like what he did. And 502 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:22,800 Speaker 2: the guy in Europe like taught me to be open 503 00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:26,720 Speaker 2: to it again and taught me that like everything that 504 00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:30,320 Speaker 2: that old person had yes, they're an amazing person, but 505 00:24:30,359 --> 00:24:33,560 Speaker 2: they're not what I want in my future. So me 506 00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:37,640 Speaker 2: leaving Australia and coming to London first of all made 507 00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:40,239 Speaker 2: me and forced me to close that chapter because I 508 00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:43,840 Speaker 2: literally said to them when I leaving, like this is done. 509 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:46,120 Speaker 2: I'm moving away, and I'm so glad that I had 510 00:24:46,119 --> 00:24:49,359 Speaker 2: the ability to hold my foot down because I knew 511 00:24:49,359 --> 00:24:51,760 Speaker 2: that something needed to stop and knew that this behavior 512 00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:54,520 Speaker 2: needed to stop. But I couldn't fucking stop myself and 513 00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:57,840 Speaker 2: he couldn't stop it either, and just fucking knew it. 514 00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:00,280 Speaker 2: I was like, this needs to stop, and I'm I'm 515 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:05,040 Speaker 2: leaving the goddamn country until it's fucking over. And it's 516 00:25:05,359 --> 00:25:08,720 Speaker 2: fucking over. Like I'm glad Bor's got a girlfriend now, 517 00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:12,320 Speaker 2: and I'm everyone sends it to me, I'm so happy 518 00:25:12,359 --> 00:25:16,000 Speaker 2: for him. I'm so happy that he's moved on, thank gosh, 519 00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:19,159 Speaker 2: because honestly, I all and I said it to him. 520 00:25:19,160 --> 00:25:20,879 Speaker 2: I said it to my housemate once. I was like, 521 00:25:21,359 --> 00:25:24,359 Speaker 2: it's going to take him getting into a relationship for 522 00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:27,960 Speaker 2: this to be completely over and this to completely move on, 523 00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:31,960 Speaker 2: because when someone's moved on from me and is dating 524 00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:33,919 Speaker 2: somebody else, you'll never hear from me again, that's the 525 00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:37,200 Speaker 2: respectful thing to do, and you'll never like, I won't 526 00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:42,520 Speaker 2: ever fucking argue that. And he disrespected those boundaries with me, 527 00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:46,280 Speaker 2: but I will never disrespect those boundaries with him. And 528 00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:49,119 Speaker 2: I'm so happy for him. But I'm so fucking glad 529 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,520 Speaker 2: that I'm coming back to Melbourne and he's in a 530 00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:55,240 Speaker 2: fucking relationship, like honestly, and like everyone there might be like, oh, well, 531 00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:56,919 Speaker 2: you're still talking about it, you're still hung up on 532 00:25:56,960 --> 00:26:00,639 Speaker 2: the situation. No, because I can sit back and reflect that, 533 00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,240 Speaker 2: like so many behaviors that I had been possessing for 534 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:05,520 Speaker 2: the last eighteen months of my life were all consuming 535 00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:08,359 Speaker 2: and made me realize that like I was like I 536 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,399 Speaker 2: hate Melbourne. I want to get out of Melbourne, Like 537 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:12,920 Speaker 2: I don't want anything to do with Melbourne. Melbourne makes 538 00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:15,480 Speaker 2: me depressed and like yeada, yeah yeah, and fuck Melbourne 539 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:17,880 Speaker 2: and everything like that. But it was really because every 540 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:20,359 Speaker 2: time I would come back to Melbourne, this thing would 541 00:26:20,359 --> 00:26:23,240 Speaker 2: be consuming my life and it was so debilitating. But 542 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:25,600 Speaker 2: now I'm like, oh my god, I'm so excited to 543 00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:29,280 Speaker 2: come back to Melbourne and can start my life so 544 00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:33,639 Speaker 2: fresh and so clean, like I would move house from 545 00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:36,119 Speaker 2: away from being like yeah, when I moved, like this 546 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:38,400 Speaker 2: is a new chapter because I didn't have anything with him, 547 00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:41,240 Speaker 2: then it would happen again, and like back and forth 548 00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:43,199 Speaker 2: and back and forth. And I know I am to 549 00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:45,800 Speaker 2: blame guys. I know I'm part of the problem. Like 550 00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:48,720 Speaker 2: I'm not sitting here and saying I wasn't. But it 551 00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:53,400 Speaker 2: was both of us collaborating being fucked. And it took 552 00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:58,040 Speaker 2: me putting my foot down, leaving and leaving for a 553 00:26:58,040 --> 00:26:59,400 Speaker 2: good amount of time. 554 00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:01,600 Speaker 1: To make it all sail away. 555 00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:05,520 Speaker 2: That has been like a massive reflection about myself that 556 00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:08,600 Speaker 2: like I'm so so excited to get back to Melbourne 557 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:12,560 Speaker 2: and just like really really have a fresh clean plate 558 00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:16,639 Speaker 2: with nothing and like to be honest, be open to 559 00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:19,840 Speaker 2: meeting new people. I've been so open these last couple 560 00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:21,920 Speaker 2: of months because I've had to have been away from 561 00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:23,800 Speaker 2: everyone I know, all my friends and family, and I've 562 00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:26,119 Speaker 2: the most amazing friends that I now know that I'm 563 00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:28,720 Speaker 2: going to be really good friends with in Australia, and 564 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:32,199 Speaker 2: like I know that, like I can do that in 565 00:27:32,240 --> 00:27:34,199 Speaker 2: Melbourne too, and you can do that. You just like 566 00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:37,000 Speaker 2: have to put your best foot forward and like honestly 567 00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:40,800 Speaker 2: I'm like so content now and I'm so ready to 568 00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:42,560 Speaker 2: get back to Australia because every time I used to 569 00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:44,480 Speaker 2: go back to Australia, I used to dread that because 570 00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:46,640 Speaker 2: I was like I have to deal with this situation again, 571 00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:48,040 Speaker 2: like I know it's going to be back and forth 572 00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:50,879 Speaker 2: and YadA, YadA, yadda. But like now I know that, 573 00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:54,360 Speaker 2: like I don't have that weighing on my chest anymore. 574 00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:55,280 Speaker 1: And I'm just me. 575 00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:59,920 Speaker 2: I'm Sam, I'm like really just me, and it feels 576 00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:03,920 Speaker 2: so good and I'm excited to get back into the gym. 577 00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:06,840 Speaker 2: I'm excited to get back into work and go to events. 578 00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:12,760 Speaker 2: And just like Melbourne, Australia in general is just such 579 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:14,680 Speaker 2: an amazing place. 580 00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:16,000 Speaker 1: And I really really love it. 581 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:18,440 Speaker 2: I love London too, like I definitely will be back, 582 00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:20,280 Speaker 2: like I'm probably going to do the same thing again 583 00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:24,560 Speaker 2: next year. But just like Melbourne in summer, spring, summer 584 00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:28,280 Speaker 2: is just the best time of year, Like there is 585 00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:30,240 Speaker 2: so much going on, there are so many events, there's 586 00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:32,639 Speaker 2: so many people out, like it's just like such a 587 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:34,960 Speaker 2: good time. Like the weather, like it's getting really cold 588 00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:36,879 Speaker 2: in London, which is kind of be nice, like not 589 00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:40,920 Speaker 2: unbearable cold, but like I couldn't do a winter London, Like, hell, no, 590 00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:44,000 Speaker 2: I'm not voluntarily putting myself do that. But I'm just 591 00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:47,920 Speaker 2: like so excited and my best friend's thirtieth is when 592 00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:48,800 Speaker 2: I get home, and. 593 00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:50,760 Speaker 1: Anyway kind of went on a tangent. 594 00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:53,160 Speaker 2: I'm very excited to come back to Melbourne, and I'm 595 00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:56,040 Speaker 2: very excited to start my new life with my new outlook, 596 00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:59,000 Speaker 2: and I really feel like I've really actually properly turned 597 00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:01,000 Speaker 2: a page, and my head it is a lot clearer 598 00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:03,280 Speaker 2: when it comes back to that, So I think my 599 00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:10,120 Speaker 2: social anxiety is going to be so much better. But 600 00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:13,560 Speaker 2: I wanted to go back really went unattenned, and then 601 00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:16,480 Speaker 2: to talk about how I got over my social anxiety 602 00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:19,760 Speaker 2: because tap on the back round of applause, I went 603 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:21,800 Speaker 2: to the event, and I went to the fashion show, 604 00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:24,800 Speaker 2: and I did it. I walked in, they said my name, 605 00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:26,760 Speaker 2: they saw me at the entrance, they saw my name, 606 00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:28,960 Speaker 2: They go, Sam, how are you? The girl gave me 607 00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:31,520 Speaker 2: a big hug. I was like, oh my god, you 608 00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:36,400 Speaker 2: were shitting yourself all morning, shitting yourself all fucking morning, 609 00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:40,280 Speaker 2: and then on the train you literally was about to cry. 610 00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:43,160 Speaker 2: I literally thought a bomb was going off. In, like 611 00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:45,120 Speaker 2: I convinced myself a bomb was going off in the 612 00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:47,160 Speaker 2: tube and I was going to die. And then I 613 00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:49,080 Speaker 2: had no service to text my mum goodbye. Like that 614 00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:52,480 Speaker 2: is how bad my intrusive thoughts are. I made it 615 00:29:52,520 --> 00:29:54,680 Speaker 2: there safely. I'm here to tell the fucking tale. 616 00:29:54,680 --> 00:29:58,320 Speaker 1: Obviously. I walked in. They sat me down. 617 00:29:58,400 --> 00:30:01,560 Speaker 2: I got sat next to the like she was an 618 00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:02,960 Speaker 2: angel sent from heaven that day. 619 00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:04,160 Speaker 1: She was lovely. 620 00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:06,440 Speaker 2: She yapped my little head off. She spoke to me 621 00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:08,640 Speaker 2: the whole time we got photos together. She took photos 622 00:30:08,640 --> 00:30:10,360 Speaker 2: of me, I took photos of her, and she came 623 00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:13,240 Speaker 2: by herself and she honestly inspired me, and she like 624 00:30:13,320 --> 00:30:15,480 Speaker 2: took me under her wing to be honest, like maybe 625 00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:17,720 Speaker 2: she kind of got the energy that I was really nervous, 626 00:30:18,080 --> 00:30:20,080 Speaker 2: and she was like, I've seen you on TikTok, like 627 00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:22,640 Speaker 2: I love your curly hair, like took me under then, 628 00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:24,840 Speaker 2: like we went and said hi to the designer and 629 00:30:24,880 --> 00:30:27,240 Speaker 2: everything after, like she took me under like she did 630 00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:29,160 Speaker 2: all the talking, which I'm actually gonna take a lot 631 00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:32,280 Speaker 2: of inspiration from her, because she like she was like, 632 00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:34,240 Speaker 2: oh my god, like you're a lot more like shyer 633 00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:38,000 Speaker 2: in person than like what I realized or like everything 634 00:30:38,040 --> 00:30:40,200 Speaker 2: like that. She's like, oh, like cause I come to 635 00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:42,000 Speaker 2: going like, oh no, I'm really sure shy, like I 636 00:30:42,040 --> 00:30:43,760 Speaker 2: don't want to overstep a line. She's like, you're like 637 00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:45,840 Speaker 2: so much shyer in person then what I thought, And 638 00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:49,320 Speaker 2: I was like, yeah, I am, like everyone doesn't realize 639 00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:51,880 Speaker 2: like in situations that I like don't know a lot 640 00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:54,600 Speaker 2: of people, or I don't like I'm not comfortable in 641 00:30:54,760 --> 00:30:57,360 Speaker 2: like I'm so awkward, I'm so shy, like. 642 00:30:57,360 --> 00:30:59,600 Speaker 1: I don't really know where I fit in and where 643 00:30:59,600 --> 00:30:59,920 Speaker 1: I place. 644 00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:02,800 Speaker 2: So I kind of just like don't go over and 645 00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:04,960 Speaker 2: above and like make myself known, like I'd kind of 646 00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:07,560 Speaker 2: just rather like fall into the background, which is not good. 647 00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:10,320 Speaker 1: But she was such a fucking. 648 00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:12,240 Speaker 2: Go getter and I was like really inspired by her, 649 00:31:12,520 --> 00:31:14,640 Speaker 2: and she like introduced herself to so many people and 650 00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:16,480 Speaker 2: I was just like standing there. So I ended up 651 00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:19,120 Speaker 2: being introduced with people. So she's going to be my 652 00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:21,200 Speaker 2: muse and I'm always going to think about her. But 653 00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:23,840 Speaker 2: rocking up to that show, I'm so fucking glad I went. 654 00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:25,640 Speaker 2: It was honestly one of the best shows I've ever 655 00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:28,800 Speaker 2: been to. I loved all the clothes, it was so inspiring, 656 00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:31,600 Speaker 2: and I walked away from that. I sat on the 657 00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:33,400 Speaker 2: tube on the way home, and I was like all 658 00:31:33,440 --> 00:31:36,400 Speaker 2: of that panicking for nothing. And if you guys have 659 00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:37,680 Speaker 2: social anxiety, you know. 660 00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:40,520 Speaker 1: How tiring it is. So tiring. 661 00:31:40,640 --> 00:31:42,880 Speaker 2: Like I got home at like one p thirty and 662 00:31:42,920 --> 00:31:46,080 Speaker 2: I was drained. I was dead, like so so tired, 663 00:31:47,080 --> 00:31:49,800 Speaker 2: and I literally like crashed for majority of the day 664 00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:55,200 Speaker 2: Like it was so so tiring and honestly like not 665 00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:57,560 Speaker 2: worth it. And then I was thinking about things I 666 00:31:57,600 --> 00:32:00,560 Speaker 2: want to do beforehand to then help eliminate those stresses 667 00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:03,320 Speaker 2: and anxieties so I don't get myself up into an 668 00:32:03,320 --> 00:32:06,479 Speaker 2: all consuming like thought pattern. And one of them that 669 00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:09,680 Speaker 2: I need to put in place is no caffeine before 670 00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:13,080 Speaker 2: a social event that you're anxious for, because I had 671 00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:19,440 Speaker 2: three black coffees stupidly before that, which is so dumb. 672 00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:23,400 Speaker 2: It's so fucking stupid. Do not have caffeine beforehand. Make 673 00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:25,840 Speaker 2: sure you go to sleep at a reasonable time, so 674 00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:28,720 Speaker 2: then if you do stay awake for fucking two hours 675 00:32:28,720 --> 00:32:31,880 Speaker 2: trying to fall asleep, you're not fucking only having four 676 00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:35,920 Speaker 2: hours of sleep. Reduce, Yeah, so reduce a caffeine intake. 677 00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:40,040 Speaker 2: Journal the night before or even the morning of wake 678 00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:42,240 Speaker 2: up a little bit earlier to have a slow morning 679 00:32:42,320 --> 00:32:44,960 Speaker 2: so then you're not rushed. Don't leave it till last minute, 680 00:32:45,400 --> 00:32:48,200 Speaker 2: have your outfit laid out, take your time with your makeup, 681 00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:51,400 Speaker 2: like just really take your time and enjoy the moment. 682 00:32:51,480 --> 00:32:54,360 Speaker 1: Put on music. I always wear music. 683 00:32:54,080 --> 00:32:56,520 Speaker 2: Like you guys may probably always see like I'm always 684 00:32:56,520 --> 00:32:59,480 Speaker 2: either wearing my cold headphones or my AirPod max is 685 00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:03,000 Speaker 2: like on a I always have headphones in. It may 686 00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:08,280 Speaker 2: not be medically recommended to always have headphones in, but 687 00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:11,040 Speaker 2: I always wear my headphones because it blocks out my 688 00:33:11,080 --> 00:33:13,120 Speaker 2: head noise because I'm listening to music. So I'm listening 689 00:33:13,160 --> 00:33:15,520 Speaker 2: to the lyrics and the beats of the music or podcast, 690 00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:18,720 Speaker 2: I'm listening to somebody else talking that like there's something 691 00:33:18,760 --> 00:33:21,760 Speaker 2: going on to eliminate the intrusive thoughts that I have 692 00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:24,240 Speaker 2: in my head, to be honest, but probably not the 693 00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:26,120 Speaker 2: best idea, but it really works for me, and I'm 694 00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:27,880 Speaker 2: going to continue doing it because I don't want to 695 00:33:27,920 --> 00:33:31,520 Speaker 2: think about my intrusive thoughts, really, and that's what I do. 696 00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:35,920 Speaker 2: And honestly, probably just always thinking about is like you're 697 00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:39,200 Speaker 2: always thinking a worst case scenario and then now I'm 698 00:33:39,200 --> 00:33:42,120 Speaker 2: going to think about I'm gonna put into place of 699 00:33:42,160 --> 00:33:45,040 Speaker 2: like thinking of best case scenario, thinking of all the 700 00:33:45,080 --> 00:33:46,480 Speaker 2: amazing things that could come out of it. 701 00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:48,880 Speaker 1: Speak about yourself like you. 702 00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:51,160 Speaker 2: Were a little kid again, because we were so nice 703 00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:53,880 Speaker 2: to ourselves, and everyone's so nice to a young kid, 704 00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:56,360 Speaker 2: so like, why can't we speak nicely about ourselves? Like 705 00:33:56,400 --> 00:33:59,160 Speaker 2: I speak so negatively about myself, But I would never 706 00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:01,760 Speaker 2: ever ever speak to a child like that, or I'd 707 00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:03,760 Speaker 2: never speak to my friends about that. Like if one 708 00:34:03,760 --> 00:34:05,400 Speaker 2: of my friends told me all the shit that I 709 00:34:05,440 --> 00:34:07,800 Speaker 2: was telling myself the morning of the show, I would 710 00:34:07,840 --> 00:34:11,840 Speaker 2: first of all tell them stop speaking to yourself like that, 711 00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:14,080 Speaker 2: Like it's toxic, it's not going to get you anywhere, 712 00:34:14,080 --> 00:34:15,680 Speaker 2: it's not going to do you any harm. So like, 713 00:34:16,360 --> 00:34:19,160 Speaker 2: learning to speak about myself in a nice, nicer way 714 00:34:19,280 --> 00:34:22,359 Speaker 2: is something that I'm really going to implement. But yeah, 715 00:34:22,400 --> 00:34:25,399 Speaker 2: I just like wanted to talk to you guys about 716 00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:27,600 Speaker 2: my social anxiety and my OCD. 717 00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:28,360 Speaker 1: Surprise. 718 00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:31,560 Speaker 2: I have OCD because I think it's something that we 719 00:34:31,600 --> 00:34:34,360 Speaker 2: really struggle with, and because we see so many people's 720 00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:37,480 Speaker 2: lives on social media, it's so easy to compare and 721 00:34:37,560 --> 00:34:41,560 Speaker 2: then almost talk down about yourself. But I come across 722 00:34:41,600 --> 00:34:44,360 Speaker 2: like a really confident and outgoing person, but in my 723 00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:48,359 Speaker 2: brain it's a different world. Like, honestly, the way I 724 00:34:48,440 --> 00:34:51,760 Speaker 2: project compared to the way I internalize things is so different, 725 00:34:52,440 --> 00:34:54,799 Speaker 2: and it's not something I like about myself. It's not 726 00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:57,960 Speaker 2: something I want to continue doing. But I feel like 727 00:34:58,000 --> 00:35:01,200 Speaker 2: the first step is talking about it and not normalizing it, 728 00:35:01,280 --> 00:35:02,959 Speaker 2: but like letting you guys know that, Like. 729 00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:04,600 Speaker 1: I'm not good all the time. 730 00:35:05,160 --> 00:35:09,440 Speaker 2: I'm honestly, if you search up fake it to you 731 00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:11,560 Speaker 2: make it in the dictionary, my name is on there, 732 00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:14,680 Speaker 2: Like I fake everything till I make it. 733 00:35:14,760 --> 00:35:16,319 Speaker 1: And it's gotten me pretty far. 734 00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:19,040 Speaker 2: But I'm still here faking it till I make it 735 00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:22,160 Speaker 2: because something I always remind myself of is, yes, I 736 00:35:22,239 --> 00:35:24,440 Speaker 2: may not be where I want to be today, but 737 00:35:24,520 --> 00:35:27,480 Speaker 2: I'm everything I wanted to be where I two years ago. 738 00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:29,120 Speaker 1: And it's so true. 739 00:35:29,200 --> 00:35:31,160 Speaker 2: Like again, if someone told me i'd be in this 740 00:35:31,200 --> 00:35:34,239 Speaker 2: position two years ago, I would have fucking gone like 741 00:35:34,239 --> 00:35:37,840 Speaker 2: you're lying. But now because I've adapted to it and 742 00:35:37,840 --> 00:35:39,719 Speaker 2: I've gotten used to it, and I have these opportunities, 743 00:35:39,800 --> 00:35:42,520 Speaker 2: You're always thinking about what's next and what's bigger, and 744 00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:46,640 Speaker 2: it can be really toxic and really tiring, but you 745 00:35:46,760 --> 00:35:48,960 Speaker 2: just have to remind yourself of that and be like, 746 00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:52,120 Speaker 2: you wanted this, you got this, enjoy it. 747 00:35:52,360 --> 00:35:54,840 Speaker 1: You deserve to be there. Everyone deserves to be anywhere. 748 00:35:55,520 --> 00:35:57,400 Speaker 1: Even if you don't think so, you fucking do. 749 00:35:57,600 --> 00:36:00,399 Speaker 2: And even if you really don't think so, the fake 750 00:36:00,480 --> 00:36:03,680 Speaker 2: that you do, because the only way that those opportunity 751 00:36:03,760 --> 00:36:06,960 Speaker 2: is going to keep coming is if you fucking go. So. Yeah, 752 00:36:07,239 --> 00:36:11,280 Speaker 2: social anxiety is scared of me. Social anxiety is scared 753 00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:12,879 Speaker 2: of me, and tell me that all the time. I'm 754 00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:15,080 Speaker 2: gonna remind myself of that all the fucking time. Like 755 00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:17,919 Speaker 2: social anxiety hates to see me coming because it doesn't 756 00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:19,080 Speaker 2: exist in my brain anymore. 757 00:36:19,200 --> 00:36:21,560 Speaker 1: I'm not socially anxious. What do you mean? Literally, what 758 00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:24,319 Speaker 1: do you mean? You're not socially anxious of this book 759 00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:25,680 Speaker 1: to go out this weekend? What do you mean? 760 00:36:26,600 --> 00:36:29,480 Speaker 2: What do you mean? What do you mean besides when 761 00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:32,640 Speaker 2: a bunch of high school kids walk by, social anxiety 762 00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:35,600 Speaker 2: loves to see me coming. But that's that's okay, we 763 00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:40,600 Speaker 2: can pass that one. But yeah, anyway, I'm going out 764 00:36:40,719 --> 00:36:42,920 Speaker 2: for a dinner. I'm gonna start saying goodbye to some 765 00:36:42,960 --> 00:36:44,840 Speaker 2: of my friends who I'm leaving because I've only got 766 00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:47,160 Speaker 2: a week left. And then I go to Paris and 767 00:36:47,239 --> 00:36:48,880 Speaker 2: I can't wait for the Paris deprief. 768 00:36:48,920 --> 00:36:49,120 Speaker 1: Guys. 769 00:36:49,120 --> 00:36:52,560 Speaker 2: It's going to be bockoon soon. But yeah, thank you 770 00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:55,239 Speaker 2: guys so much for tuning into today's episode. I love 771 00:36:55,239 --> 00:36:57,799 Speaker 2: you all so so much, and I'll see you guys 772 00:36:57,840 --> 00:36:58,279 Speaker 2: next week. 773 00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:01,520 Speaker 1: Bye you. 774 00:37:02,280 --> 00:37:03,399 Speaker 2: To rest him,