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Speaker 1: Apoche production.

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Speaker 2: An easier advice.

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Speaker 1: Are you okay? What happened?

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Speaker 2: Promise it won't be too much.

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Speaker 1: Bring it in.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you.

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Speaker 3: Hello, everybody, Welcome back to she Rises to our Bestie segments.

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Speaker 3: So if you're a new here, welcome. We upload every Monday, Tuesday,

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Speaker 3: and Wednesday. And on Tuesday we have an anonymous submission

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Speaker 3: right in with a sticky situation. They're in something they

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Speaker 3: need advice on. Maybe they don't have a circle of friends,

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Speaker 3: maybe they want someone outside the circle of friends for

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Speaker 3: some honest, real advice from us. Absolutely, this is the

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Speaker 3: kind of advice that we would give to each other

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Speaker 3: if we were going through the exact same situation. It's

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Speaker 3: very raw, it's probably unqualified. Take it with a grain

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Speaker 3: of salt. But today's episode is col when love starts

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Speaker 3: to feel like walking on eggshells, addiction, anger, and relationships.

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Speaker 1: Tiana take it away.

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Speaker 4: Let's go hi, ladies. My partner and I have two

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Speaker 4: children together. We have been together fifteen years. Over the years,

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Speaker 4: he has developed to what I would say is an alcoholic.

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Speaker 4: He is triggered extremely easily by small things. You never

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Speaker 4: know what moody's going to get in when he comes home.

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Speaker 4: I can tell our oldest is very weary around him

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Speaker 4: because of the way that he can snap, as I

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Speaker 4: am the same, finding myself over compensating to keep the

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Speaker 4: peace or his moods at bay. He does know this

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Speaker 4: as a problem, but when he stops drinking, which he

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Speaker 4: will do for a week or sometimes longer, his mood

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Speaker 4: is sometimes worse. I assume this is because he's not

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Speaker 4: doing it under any medical guidance and is having withdrawals.

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Speaker 4: He recently looked over my shoulder as I was watching

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Speaker 4: a reel on Instagram, and it happened to be a

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Speaker 4: lady that was talking about her alcoholic husband, and my

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Speaker 4: partner said, get fucked and walked away. Obviously this was

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Speaker 4: a projection of himself and triggered something in him. He

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Speaker 4: had gone to see a professional more so for being

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Speaker 4: quote unquote depressed, but he's the type to think one

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Speaker 4: session and I should be fixed kind of guy. So

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Speaker 4: it really doesn't help enough. With our youngest child, I

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Speaker 4: find him to be extremely short tempered and to put

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Speaker 4: it bluntly and asshole some of the times. One minute

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Speaker 4: he can be wonderful with him playing with a toy

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Speaker 4: or talking about something. The next he is calling him

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Speaker 4: horrible names like spud, Cindy or Veggie for something as

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Speaker 4: small as him tipping his toy box out or dropping

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Speaker 4: food on the floor. I go from thinking what a

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Speaker 4: beautiful dad to despising him. How can you treat your

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Speaker 4: own child like that. I've sent him countless podcasts reels

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Speaker 4: trying to tell him in conversation about something I may

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Speaker 4: have read or seen to subtly approach it, but it

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Speaker 4: just doesn't sink in. He is also on his phone

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Speaker 4: a lot, which also grinds my gears. It shows how

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Speaker 4: hypercritical he is for our oldest when he literally tells

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Speaker 4: them off for being on their phone and watching TV,

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Speaker 4: but will be doing the exact same thing. We have

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Speaker 4: considered moving to Queensland, but I am worried I will

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Speaker 4: have no support if we go. But I also wonder

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Speaker 4: if the better lifestyle and more work security there could

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Speaker 4: help him change. So my question is how do I

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Speaker 4: get through to him. I know alcoholism is an easy

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Speaker 4: thing to beat, but it's also going to come up

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Speaker 4: at the cost of my children growing up in an

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Speaker 4: emotionally safe, loved and supported environment. I do try my

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Speaker 4: best to be supportive, but I work full time, do

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Speaker 4: all the household duties, bedtime routine and everything, so my

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Speaker 4: capacity has drained, especially when I've tried and tried. If

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Speaker 4: he's not ready to put one hundred percent into himself

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Speaker 4: to change, I can't do it for him. Is there

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Speaker 4: another way that I can approach this? What's your advice

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Speaker 4: on moving getting the continuous support and having him stick

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Speaker 4: with it?

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Speaker 2: Thanks?

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Speaker 3: Oh goodness, just started to hear what he's calling little boy,

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Speaker 3: the names, And yeah, I think I find this hard

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Speaker 3: because I grew up with an alcoholic stepfather, and as

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Speaker 3: a child that grew up in that, Like, my.

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Speaker 1: Advice is probably not what you want to hear.

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Speaker 3: But I'd say get out, yeah, because I wish my

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Speaker 3: mom left. There was a time and I was I

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Speaker 3: think I must have been maybe eleven or twelve, and

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Speaker 3: my mom did actually leave my stepdad and she bought

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Speaker 3: her own little unit and it was just me my

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Speaker 3: two brothers. I was the happiest. I remember being the

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Speaker 3: happiest year I can remember. My mom was happy. We

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Speaker 3: got these two cats, and we just I love being

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Speaker 3: at home. And then he wheezed it his way back

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Speaker 3: in Oh.

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Speaker 1: He was never going to change. He still has never changed.

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Speaker 3: And I think I would suggest to you go to

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Speaker 3: couples counseling if he is willing. We always say this

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Speaker 3: if you're a man, or your friend or your parent

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Speaker 3: is not willing to sit in the discomfort and have

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Speaker 3: these conversations and not willing to take accountability, own their mistakes,

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Speaker 3: own their problems and say, yes, this is affecting you.

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Speaker 3: I can see this, you can see this is impacting

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Speaker 3: our family. I want to change.

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Speaker 1: If they're not open to that, I just don't think

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Speaker 1: it's going to work. Yeah.

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Speaker 3: I'm sorry it sounds super black or white, but I've

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Speaker 3: heard and seen there so many times that I can

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Speaker 3: only speak from my own experience.

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Speaker 1: It's just it's not going to work.

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Speaker 3: If they're not willing, they don't see a problem, and

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Speaker 3: they don't think there's a problem, and they think one

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Speaker 3: session is going to fix things. Good luck, buckle in

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Speaker 3: one session, no way. I've started with a new counselor

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Speaker 3: and she said, like she wants to work with.

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Speaker 1: Me for a year.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, for a long time, and I'm so ready and

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Speaker 3: willing to do that work. It's not easy, but yeah,

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Speaker 3: just for the sake of your kids and your own happiness.

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Speaker 3: I could guarantee you're not getting your desires met. You

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Speaker 3: don't feel heard safe, You're watching and mistreat your children,

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Speaker 3: mistreat you, not be present. You're walking on eggshells. Your

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Speaker 3: nervousness will be completely cooked. You're so anxious wondering what

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Speaker 3: Moody's going to be and how he's going to be

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Speaker 3: with you. Guys, he's unpresent, so you're not sexually attracted

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Speaker 3: to him.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I could keep going.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't need to keep going because I think

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Speaker 3: you already know all of this now. I'm not saying like,

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Speaker 3: pack up and leave straight away, but I would really

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Speaker 3: be considering my options. Like I said, if he's not willing,

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Speaker 3: I don't see this getting any better. So you it's

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Speaker 3: like you choose your level of suffering, right, Yeah, it's

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Speaker 3: going to be really hard if you were to leave.

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Speaker 3: There's a level of suffering that he's not going to

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Speaker 3: be around. You're gonna have to learn to be on

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Speaker 3: your own. The cost of living super expensive. You might

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Speaker 3: be sad that your kids don't see their dad as much.

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Speaker 3: Will he step up? Will he fight?

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Speaker 1: Will it go to court?

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Speaker 3: That's a massive level of suffering. Yeah, but a lot

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Speaker 3: of women stay because they would rather choose the suffering

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Speaker 3: of them just being unhappy. But they've got the financial

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Speaker 3: security they've got on paper from an outside everything, Look,

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Speaker 3: it's okay, They'll choose suffering internally.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, then having to go through.

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Speaker 4: All that, yeah, all the perceived family unit, yeah, or the.

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Speaker 3: Suffering of hoping it gets better and it just doesn't.

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Speaker 3: It's looks like you get to choose which level of

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Speaker 3: suffering you're going to choose. But now where I'm at

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Speaker 3: as a woman now and now that I've got children,

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Speaker 3: I've lived that through my childhood and also Steve's spoken

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Speaker 3: openly about how our calls impacted our relationship.

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Speaker 1: And it's been awful.

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Speaker 3: It's the main thing that we've ever argued about, and

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Speaker 3: it's done the most damage in our relationship. And yes,

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Speaker 3: we've worked on a lot of things, and we still

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Speaker 3: are working on things. You know, he hasn't dranken over

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Speaker 3: a year, which has been amazing. But yeah, it's not

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Speaker 3: an easy road to go down. And Steve and I

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Speaker 3: would not still be together if he didn't fully own

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Speaker 3: how much was impacting our relationship. Yeah, there's no way. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: there's no way it would have continued to work. We're

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Speaker 3: here because he's so willing and he owns his part

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Speaker 3: and he was willing to change and do that for

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Speaker 3: him and for us.

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Speaker 1: That's my two cents. Oh, that's tough.

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Speaker 4: I don't know necessarily if I have so much two

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Speaker 4: cents because I haven't grown up in that environment and

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Speaker 4: I haven't experienced it firsthand.

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Speaker 1: Don't drink he no, No.

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Speaker 2: Mom hasn't had a drink since she was in her twenties.

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Speaker 4: Dad he has a drink maybe once a year at

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Speaker 4: like some fit in the event, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 4: So it wasn't really normalized growing up. And like I

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Speaker 4: honestly recall, thank you Mom for this. I honestly recall

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Speaker 4: my mum literally saying to me as I was growing up.

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Speaker 2: I will never date a pub boy.

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Speaker 4: Never ever, ever will I date a man who comes

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Speaker 4: home and has a beer at the end of the day,

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Speaker 4: surrounded by a bunch of men who were doing the

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Speaker 4: same thing.

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Speaker 2: I will never do that. And it's just something that's

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Speaker 2: always stuck for me.

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Speaker 4: So I think, you know, if I were saying this

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Speaker 4: to Ashley, I suppose and I look at you know,

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Speaker 4: as a friend to friend kind of situation. I think about, like,

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Speaker 4: what is it that you actually want for your life?

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Speaker 1: You know, like not this?

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Speaker 4: Do you want somebody who makes you feel dismissed and

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Speaker 4: that you have to walk on eggshells and makes you

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Speaker 4: feel unsafe in your home environment and also mirrors the

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Speaker 4: behavior that your children are going to grow up with, exactly,

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Speaker 4: because that's the biggest thing, is like your children are

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Speaker 4: going to mirror that behavior and go this behavior that

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Speaker 4: he is doing is okay, and then eventually it's going

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Speaker 4: to be them doing it to somebody else, whether it's

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Speaker 4: at school and they do that same behavior, or they

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Speaker 4: have that hot and cold energy that they pick up

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Speaker 4: from him and then do it to a girlfriend of theirs.

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Speaker 1: How they regulate through alcohol on their phone.

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Speaker 4: Absolutely, And so I think it's just one of those

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Speaker 4: things where women often do this, where we think long term,

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Speaker 4: where we think safety first, and this is one of

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Speaker 4: those moments where you are ultimately deciding the fate of

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Speaker 4: your life and your kid's life too, because what you

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Speaker 4: choose right now is going to determine what your life

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Speaker 4: looks like in five years and ten years and fifteen years.

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Speaker 4: And I can't say that it would be easy to

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Speaker 4: just be like pick up and leave and all of

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Speaker 4: a sudden just wake up one morning and completely feel

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Speaker 4: differently about your relationship because the reality is you're not

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Speaker 4: going to It's going to be hard and challenging, and

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Speaker 4: obviously you're there because you want to be there and

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Speaker 4: you're there for a reason. But also, is this just

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Speaker 4: one of those things where it's like this is a

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Speaker 4: totally underligned value to yours. You guys, are on opposite

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Speaker 4: sides of the spectrum when it comes to this behavior,

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Speaker 4: because it's clear to me that this is not what

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Speaker 4: you want for yourself or behavior that you want a

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Speaker 4: model to your children either. And at the end of

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Speaker 4: the day, like what you said, women choose their suffering,

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Speaker 4: but women choose their suffering because they think the other

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Speaker 4: version is going to be worse, when in actual fact, yeah,

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Speaker 4: it might be worse temporarily, but if we're thinking long term,

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Speaker 4: it's not gonna be worse temporarily.

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Speaker 2: It's gonna be better. You just don't have evidence of

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Speaker 2: that yet.

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Speaker 4: And I think for me, I used to be a drinker,

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Speaker 4: so again, I've never experienced like a partner, a long

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Speaker 4: term partner, being a drinker, but like I used to

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Speaker 4: be one, and when I was around it, I was like,

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Speaker 4: you know what, this is fine, Like partners can drink whatever.

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Speaker 4: Now I haven't had a drink in like over three

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Speaker 4: years and haven't done party drugs and over six and

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Speaker 4: I'm just like, there is no fucking way.

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Speaker 2: There is no way for me.

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Speaker 4: It's like one thing that I realize that I don't

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Speaker 4: want to have to settle on, you know. And there

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Speaker 4: are enough people out there with the value of health,

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Speaker 4: partners men who also believe that like drinking is running

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Speaker 4: or drinking is pressing, or like it's doing them a disservice.

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Speaker 4: If they value health, why are they drinking? If they

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Speaker 4: value taking care of themselves, why are they drinking? Like

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Speaker 4: it's literally poisoning your body. So I think it's just

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Speaker 4: one of those things, like how strong of a value

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Speaker 4: is this for you? And like genuinely sit down and

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Speaker 4: ask yourself, like what outcome do you want in five

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Speaker 4: years time?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? What outcome? Yeah? Literally?

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Speaker 3: And when you think about your kids too. I think

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Speaker 3: she said she's got two sons. Hey, your sons will

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Speaker 3: get in a relationship because they role model not what

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Speaker 3: you say, what you do. Yeah, they will get in

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Speaker 3: a relationship, and how you're being treated by your husband

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Speaker 3: is how they would treat other women. My daughter will

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Speaker 3: go into a relationship and whatever, however, Steve treats me

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Speaker 3: as her normal. We have to set the fucking bar

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Speaker 3: so high as to how you want to be treated,

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Speaker 3: not just for ourselves but for our kids. Yeah, guarantee it.

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Speaker 3: They are picking up on literally everything. I know, we

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Speaker 3: hear that all the time, but it's true. You can't

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Speaker 3: run from that. You can't deny that our children and

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Speaker 3: their life. It's our responsibility up until they're an adult,

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Speaker 3: and they can choose differently. Right now, how we influence

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Speaker 3: them and how we brainwash them, really it's a huge responsibility.

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Speaker 3: But yeah, I just know you would not be happy

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Speaker 3: and nearly any area of your life. And you know

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Speaker 3: when your relationship doesn't feel good, it's so consuming. Oh

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Speaker 3: I'm guessing you're not happy anywhere because you're so plugged

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Speaker 3: into him, and this is making you feel so depressed,

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Speaker 3: so alone, so scared, so disappointed, so angry. They're all

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Speaker 3: very low vibrational feelings that you are feeling every single day.

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Speaker 3: How can you show up and be the best mum?

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Speaker 3: The best friend, happy, excited for life when you're feeling

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Speaker 3: all of that all the time. Yeah, there's no way,

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Speaker 3: and yes he is playing his massive role. But it's

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Speaker 3: your choice now, what you're willing to tolerate, where your

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Speaker 3: boundaries and standards are, and actually honoring what it is

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Speaker 3: that you truly want and desire in a relationship and

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Speaker 3: not even a relationship which is within yourself. Yeah, I

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Speaker 3: guess this is what you want for your life and

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Speaker 3: I know it's not. Yeah, it's like, where do you

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Speaker 3: go from here? The first thing I would do is

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Speaker 3: be opening up, like would you come and see someone

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Speaker 3: with me? And I don't just mean for one time,

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Speaker 3: would you lock into six months where with a couple's

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Speaker 3: counselor if he's absolutely hut, fuck no, that's not for me.

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Speaker 3: If he's like absolutely no, then for me, that's an answer.

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Speaker 3: What I hear from that is I'm not willing.

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Speaker 1: To work on I'm willing.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, this is what you get, take it to leave it.

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Speaker 3: So that's where I would start, and then i'd go

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Speaker 3: from there.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I think that's great.

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Speaker 4: I think even with the oh fuck off that he

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Speaker 4: screams unwillingness, Oh my god, but you don't know, you

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Speaker 4: might get a different response to him when you bring

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Speaker 4: it in in a really beautiful way if you feel

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Speaker 4: safe to have that conversation. But as well, like you

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Speaker 4: learn very quickly, like where somebody is at in their

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Speaker 4: capacity based on what they show you. Yeah, And I think,

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Speaker 4: like Ashley was saying, you get what you tolerate. And

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Speaker 4: there's almost like this conversation around people being too strict

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Speaker 4: these days and like, oh, if you have too many standards,

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Speaker 4: you're going to be alone forever. And it's just like no,

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Speaker 4: because like, the reason why women and men both struggle

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Speaker 4: with shit relationships is because we tolerate it. But if

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Speaker 4: no one fucking tolerated the shit, everyone would be forced

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Speaker 4: to elevate. And it's just that thing of like again,

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Speaker 4: whilst this doesn't have anything to do with anybody else

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Speaker 4: in your life, raise the bar for what you tolerate. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: because if you were to look at yourself, and I'm

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Speaker 4: talking like put yourself in someone else's shoes and look

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Speaker 4: at yourself as if you were staring at yourself in

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Speaker 4: the face and you're witnessing what you are currently choosing,

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Speaker 4: can you genuinely say that you would be proud for

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Speaker 4: what you're allowing.

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Speaker 2: Are you proud?

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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 4: Does that make you feel safe? Doesn't make your kids

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Speaker 4: feel safe? Is that something that you see for yourself

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Speaker 4: in your future? Could you genuinely say that in ten

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Speaker 4: years time when you go through something really hard or

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Speaker 4: the kids go through something really hard, like he's going

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Speaker 4: to be the person to support you.

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Speaker 1: You can't show does that look like to say today?

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Speaker 1: How can you show up for the big things?

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Speaker 2: And like safety is everything to women?

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Speaker 4: If you don't feel safe, like, good luck building a

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Speaker 4: career of your own, good luck being a present parent,

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Speaker 4: good luck raising your children in the way that like

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Speaker 4: you genuinely want you And again take that with a

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Speaker 4: grain of salt. I don't have any children that might

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Speaker 4: go in one ear and out the other to you.

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Speaker 4: But advice, it's just one of those things where like,

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Speaker 4: no one can advocate for the life that you want

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Speaker 4: more than you can.

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Speaker 1: One hundred percent.

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Speaker 3: And let me ask you this too, which we say

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Speaker 3: quite often, But if you're absolute best friend or your

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Speaker 3: or your mom was going through the situation and you're

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Speaker 3: witnessing the relationship from an outside.

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Speaker 1: Perspective, what advice would you give her? Yeah?

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Speaker 3: Would you be saying, oh my gosh, stay, he's such

341
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Speaker 3: a beautiful man, Like he cares for your heart, he's

342
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Speaker 3: so considerate, like the way he shows up for.

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Speaker 1: The kids, he's so healthy, Like he is in a.

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Speaker 3: Great stay all the time, you feel so safe, Like

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Speaker 3: do not leave him? Yeah, Like, would you honestly be

346
00:14:25,921 --> 00:14:29,041
Speaker 3: giving that advice? Definitely not, There's no way you would be. Yeah,

347
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Speaker 3: you'd be saying, really concerned with his alcoholic behaviors. I'm

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Speaker 3: really concerned with the way he treats the children, and

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Speaker 3: really concerned that you seem so unhappy. Yeah, really concerned

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Speaker 3: that he even swears to you for watching a real

351
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Speaker 3: like does him have a conversation. Yeah, I'm really concerned

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Speaker 3: that this relationship is not serving you.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, are you happy? That's the kind of things you

354
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Speaker 1: would ask her.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, you know.

356
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Speaker 3: Yeah, so thank you for bringing in because it's not easy.

357
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Speaker 3: I can't even imagine what you're going through. But yeah,

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Speaker 3: as a kid that's been through that for I wish

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Speaker 3: my mum never let him back in.

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Speaker 4: And these are just the things that like we question

361
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Speaker 4: if we were to have a conversation like this ourselves,

362
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Speaker 4: like no judgment, there's so shaming has done but there

363
00:15:05,601 --> 00:15:09,001
Speaker 4: is hard conversation of a realization the things that you

364
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Speaker 4: may not want to hear and the things that you

365
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Speaker 4: may not be ready to see yet. But in a

366
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Speaker 4: safe environment with the right questions, it allows you to

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Speaker 4: reveal what is true for you, because that's what this

368
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Speaker 4: conversation is about. I believe that's why you're asking is

369
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Speaker 4: because it's a part of you that's wondering what is

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Speaker 4: out there for me on the other side of this question.

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Speaker 4: And that's part of the reason why we lean towards

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Speaker 4: people who we trust and love and also love us

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Speaker 4: so deeply so we know that they are going to

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Speaker 4: like want the best for us, yes, want us to

375
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Speaker 4: be happy and want us to make decisions that are

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Speaker 4: going to benefit us because they love us exactly needs

377
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Speaker 4: to be happy, and we want that for you as well.

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Speaker 3: Definitely, you know one other thing you could do, because

379
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Speaker 3: what you said just spark something for me. It's like,

380
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Speaker 3: we could say all this, but you might not be

381
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Speaker 3: ready to fully hear it. If you're not ready to

382
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Speaker 3: fully hear it, maybe you're listening you're like, I'm just

383
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Speaker 3: not ready to leave. Like I totally get that I've

384
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Speaker 3: got a girlfriend going through something similar the moment she

385
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Speaker 3: literally says to me, she goes, I know I should leave,

386
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Speaker 3: and I just can't.

387
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Speaker 1: I'm not ready. I'm not there yet.

388
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Speaker 3: And I'm like cool, like wait till you're ready, or

389
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Speaker 3: just see how things go. And something I said to her,

390
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Speaker 3: because her partner is also not willing to see someone

391
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Speaker 3: right now, I said, you go see someone, You go

392
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Speaker 3: see someone, and you work on your stuff and you

393
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Speaker 3: have your support. I think just knowing that you're held

394
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Speaker 3: and supported and can work through how you're feeling, I

395
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Speaker 3: believe it could help give you the strength to walk

396
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Speaker 3: away that's what you wanted to do.

397
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Speaker 4: Oh.

398
00:16:22,961 --> 00:16:25,801
Speaker 3: I love that you've got that outside perspective and someone

399
00:16:25,841 --> 00:16:28,241
Speaker 3: else like us coming in and saying this isn't normal.

400
00:16:28,281 --> 00:16:30,761
Speaker 3: Because when you're in that environment, you normalize, it becomes

401
00:16:30,801 --> 00:16:33,281
Speaker 3: your normally. Maybe maybe it's not that bad, or maybe Okay,

402
00:16:33,281 --> 00:16:35,921
Speaker 3: it was good last week, maybe this week will be better. Yeah,

403
00:16:36,001 --> 00:16:37,881
Speaker 3: and it just you're in this back and forth all

404
00:16:37,881 --> 00:16:40,681
Speaker 3: the time. But having a coach or a counselor of

405
00:16:40,681 --> 00:16:42,841
Speaker 3: someone who's just your support system, I think it can

406
00:16:42,841 --> 00:16:44,601
Speaker 3: give I've heard a lot of women say this gives

407
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Speaker 3: them the strength to actually make that decision.

408
00:16:46,681 --> 00:16:48,561
Speaker 4: Makes so much sense because the you're processing what's coming

409
00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:50,241
Speaker 4: up for you as well, and then you're learning and

410
00:16:50,281 --> 00:16:52,761
Speaker 4: maybe through that coach you're going to find clarity on what's.

411
00:16:52,801 --> 00:16:53,241
Speaker 2: True for you.

412
00:16:53,401 --> 00:16:54,681
Speaker 1: You're not so alone and now you.

413
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Speaker 4: Aren't what you value, what you want for your life.

414
00:16:56,761 --> 00:16:58,641
Speaker 4: Maybe all of these answers in your life that feel

415
00:16:58,681 --> 00:17:00,561
Speaker 4: super unclear right now you're going to be able to

416
00:17:00,601 --> 00:17:03,401
Speaker 4: reveal and get to the true of you know, and

417
00:17:03,441 --> 00:17:05,840
Speaker 4: seeing like, Okay, does what I'm choosing right now actually

418
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Speaker 4: emulate what it is that I want for myself in

419
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Speaker 4: my life. And if the answer is no, then you

420
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:12,041
Speaker 4: get to choose to change it. If the answer is yes,

421
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:13,041
Speaker 4: and you get to refine it.

422
00:17:13,481 --> 00:17:15,201
Speaker 3: I don't know if you're really clear on your values

423
00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:17,241
Speaker 3: as well, but we've spoken about lots too before.

424
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Speaker 1: If you're really clear on your.

425
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Speaker 3: Values, it makes the yes and nose really easy, does

426
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Speaker 3: because now it's like if something happens and like, oh,

427
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:23,640
Speaker 3: do we take this opportunity?

428
00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:25,160
Speaker 1: Does it align with their values?

429
00:17:25,201 --> 00:17:25,321
Speaker 4: No?

430
00:17:25,481 --> 00:17:26,561
Speaker 1: Cool? Easy decision.

431
00:17:26,801 --> 00:17:29,321
Speaker 3: If someone's behaving in a relationship a certain way, it's like,

432
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Speaker 3: well does that match up to my values? No?

433
00:17:31,561 --> 00:17:33,600
Speaker 1: Cool, We're not a match. Yeah, you know, it sounds

434
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:36,240
Speaker 1: easier than done, but it makes so decisions so much easier.

435
00:17:36,481 --> 00:17:37,200
Speaker 1: Was that does?

436
00:17:37,481 --> 00:17:39,440
Speaker 3: Years and years ago? I didn't really have boundaries. I

437
00:17:39,441 --> 00:17:42,561
Speaker 3: didn't know what my values were. I was just like, oh, whatever, okay,

438
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:44,321
Speaker 3: cool that, I'm sure that'd be all right. It was

439
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:47,041
Speaker 3: so like non lump because I just wasn't clear, whereas

440
00:17:47,041 --> 00:17:48,640
Speaker 3: now it's an absolute fucking no.

441
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:50,041
Speaker 1: Yep, you can't even sway me.

442
00:17:50,201 --> 00:17:51,561
Speaker 2: Try good luck, try.

443
00:17:51,681 --> 00:17:51,881
Speaker 4: Yeah.

444
00:17:52,001 --> 00:17:52,561
Speaker 1: I love that.

445
00:17:52,721 --> 00:17:54,920
Speaker 4: I love that perspective. And something you just said spark

446
00:17:55,001 --> 00:17:57,360
Speaker 4: something for me. So I was having a conversation with

447
00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,400
Speaker 4: a girlfriend of mine the other night at dinner, just

448
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:01,120
Speaker 4: like we're catching up on life, and I brought to

449
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:04,321
Speaker 4: her this thing that I felt super indecisive about, and

450
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:07,161
Speaker 4: she goes to me, this is something that you said

451
00:18:07,201 --> 00:18:09,600
Speaker 4: to me that really stuck with me. I now lived

452
00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:12,841
Speaker 4: my life by She said, you said to me, if

453
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:16,400
Speaker 4: it's not a full body fuck yes, it's a no yes.

454
00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:19,080
Speaker 2: And I was like, goddamn it, why didn't I think

455
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:19,281
Speaker 2: of that?

456
00:18:19,561 --> 00:18:19,840
Speaker 3: Reeah?

457
00:18:20,521 --> 00:18:22,721
Speaker 4: But like she literally like could use my own words

458
00:18:22,761 --> 00:18:24,281
Speaker 4: against me and was like, yes, you may be feeling

459
00:18:24,281 --> 00:18:27,160
Speaker 4: indecisive in this moment, but like, remember what it is

460
00:18:27,201 --> 00:18:29,001
Speaker 4: that you said that you would live by and it

461
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:31,840
Speaker 4: is true, Like I feel like that. When I heard that,

462
00:18:31,961 --> 00:18:34,041
Speaker 4: I was like, oh my god, this makes so much sense.

463
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,601
Speaker 4: And this is such an easy decision now because if

464
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:38,521
Speaker 4: it's not a full body fuck yes, then it is

465
00:18:38,521 --> 00:18:42,120
Speaker 4: a no. The confusion that in between area of like

466
00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:44,521
Speaker 4: ya oh kind of maybe I don't know, or does

467
00:18:44,561 --> 00:18:47,080
Speaker 4: this feel good? Or it's like it's a great area

468
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:49,241
Speaker 4: for a reason, you do know, you're just either scared

469
00:18:49,281 --> 00:18:51,041
Speaker 4: to look at it, you're scared to make a decision,

470
00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:53,961
Speaker 4: scared of what you might lose, or for whatever other

471
00:18:53,961 --> 00:18:56,441
Speaker 4: reason that pops up in between. But it's just such

472
00:18:56,481 --> 00:18:59,480
Speaker 4: a powerful way for you to quickly and decisively make

473
00:18:59,521 --> 00:19:02,041
Speaker 4: decisions in your life based on what you say that

474
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:02,600
Speaker 4: you value.

475
00:19:02,721 --> 00:19:05,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, oh, thanks so much sending it in and we

476
00:19:06,001 --> 00:19:07,640
Speaker 3: I hope this didn't come across harsh.

477
00:19:07,681 --> 00:19:09,080
Speaker 1: But we're just not going to.

478
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:11,720
Speaker 3: Get sugarcoated device here because honest, we wouldn't do that

479
00:19:11,761 --> 00:19:13,801
Speaker 3: for each other. If one of us brings something in,

480
00:19:14,201 --> 00:19:16,521
Speaker 3: we'll always check what they need, if they might just

481
00:19:16,561 --> 00:19:18,160
Speaker 3: need a soundboard, but we know that we're going to

482
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:20,761
Speaker 3: get the most honest advice from a pure place of

483
00:19:20,801 --> 00:19:24,041
Speaker 3: love and care and from knowing that that person deserves

484
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:25,321
Speaker 3: more and also as.

485
00:19:25,201 --> 00:19:27,241
Speaker 4: Well, like we believe that you are capable of having

486
00:19:27,241 --> 00:19:29,961
Speaker 4: a hard conversation and making hard decisions and making hard

487
00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:32,161
Speaker 4: decisions and hearing things that are hard to hear, because

488
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:34,200
Speaker 4: that's where the growth really is and it is like,

489
00:19:34,281 --> 00:19:36,321
Speaker 4: how else do you move through decisions like this if

490
00:19:36,321 --> 00:19:37,440
Speaker 4: you can't handle tho things?

491
00:19:37,481 --> 00:19:40,360
Speaker 3: Definitely we would love an update. We're also so open

492
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:41,840
Speaker 3: our DMS if you ever need someone to talk to.

493
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:43,521
Speaker 3: We obviously don't know who you are. Any of our

494
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:47,321
Speaker 3: Bessie submissions are completely anonymous, so if you have any

495
00:19:47,281 --> 00:19:49,240
Speaker 3: submissions you'd like to bring in and want our advice on,

496
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:52,241
Speaker 3: just all the details in the description box below. And yeah,

497
00:19:52,281 --> 00:19:53,841
Speaker 3: we'd love an update with sending you so much love.

498
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:54,561
Speaker 1: It's not easy.

499
00:19:54,681 --> 00:19:55,480
Speaker 4: I really for you.

500
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:57,840
Speaker 1: Good luck and do we here if you need absolutely

501
00:19:57,921 --> 00:19:59,841
Speaker 1: We'll talk to you soon, all right, see you tomorrow.

502
00:19:59,961 --> 00:20:06,321
Speaker 2: Bye,