1 00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:12,320 Speaker 1: Hi, everyone, I'm Carli Taylor here for this week's Mojo Monday. 2 00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:15,080 Speaker 1: So today we're going to talk about a concept from 3 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:19,480 Speaker 1: Stoic philosophy which has had a profound impact on my life, 4 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:22,960 Speaker 1: and that is the gap between who you are right 5 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:27,000 Speaker 1: now and who you are capable of being. And I 6 00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:29,120 Speaker 1: think this is what I love about the work that 7 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:34,440 Speaker 1: I do because I can not always, but most often 8 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:38,400 Speaker 1: see the potential in others. And I also can see 9 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:41,960 Speaker 1: what is stopping them from tapping into that potential. But 10 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:44,519 Speaker 1: it's a lot harder to see it in myself. And 11 00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:48,880 Speaker 1: it's something that I have been working on continuously over many, 12 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:52,400 Speaker 1: many years. But the Stoics talk about the Sage, and 13 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,320 Speaker 1: you might have heard me talk about the Sage in 14 00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:58,560 Speaker 1: previous episodes, and it's this part of us who represents 15 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:02,800 Speaker 1: our potential of who we can be. The Sage has 16 00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:06,080 Speaker 1: the strengths and the character of that wise part of us, 17 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:10,280 Speaker 1: and the Sage is not a destination because nobody is perfect, 18 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:14,759 Speaker 1: but it's that part of us who can guide us 19 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:19,919 Speaker 1: in every moment and every decision if we tap into 20 00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:23,160 Speaker 1: that part of us. And I think there's this balance 21 00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:27,280 Speaker 1: here between mindfully living in the present moment, which is 22 00:01:27,319 --> 00:01:31,680 Speaker 1: incredibly important in so many ways. But it's also important 23 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:36,479 Speaker 1: to recognize that we hold ourselves back and maybe we 24 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:40,319 Speaker 1: could be taking a few more risks in life and 25 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:43,360 Speaker 1: we could step out of our comfort zone, that enticing 26 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:47,680 Speaker 1: comfort zone, and just see what happens, see where it 27 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:51,800 Speaker 1: takes us. So let's go back to this gap of 28 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:56,760 Speaker 1: who we are now and who we potentially could become. 29 00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:02,400 Speaker 1: So Epictetis, the Stoic philosopher, once said, first say to 30 00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:05,840 Speaker 1: yourself what you would be, and then do what you 31 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:09,320 Speaker 1: have to do. So the Stoics believe that this gap 32 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:12,280 Speaker 1: is just part of being human. It's part of nature, 33 00:02:12,919 --> 00:02:16,080 Speaker 1: and it's where our self doubt and our fear and 34 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:21,040 Speaker 1: our unhelpful emotions like anxiety or anger often reside. But 35 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:25,200 Speaker 1: they also saw it as a space filled with opportunity 36 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:29,120 Speaker 1: and potential. So this gap is a place to grow 37 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:34,120 Speaker 1: closer to the person that we're capable of becoming. And 38 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:37,600 Speaker 1: the first key to closing the gap is awareness. So 39 00:02:37,639 --> 00:02:41,400 Speaker 1: it's about recognizing what is in that space. So have 40 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:44,480 Speaker 1: a think. Now, have a think about what is in 41 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:49,639 Speaker 1: your space. That's the habits, the thoughts, the feelings that 42 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:53,960 Speaker 1: hold us back. That stop us from doing the things 43 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:56,680 Speaker 1: that are really important to us. That may bring up 44 00:02:56,760 --> 00:03:01,760 Speaker 1: quite a bit of discomfort. One point is that these 45 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:05,839 Speaker 1: are obstacles for us, but they're not enemies to eliminate, 46 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:09,480 Speaker 1: but we so often treat them like they are, like 47 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:11,960 Speaker 1: we have to go to war with them, And a 48 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:15,440 Speaker 1: huge amount of our energy goes into this so and 49 00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:19,560 Speaker 1: it can be exhausting. They're part of the process. So 50 00:03:19,639 --> 00:03:25,600 Speaker 1: that is just so important to accept and understand that 51 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:30,160 Speaker 1: all these negative thinking and self doubt and the anxiety 52 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,800 Speaker 1: and the fear is just part of the process. And 53 00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:37,400 Speaker 1: it's a chance and an opportunity to work on closing 54 00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:41,400 Speaker 1: that gap, a chance to build our resilience and do 55 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:45,560 Speaker 1: those things that are really important to us, the things 56 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:48,640 Speaker 1: that are the things that we want to do that's 57 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:52,680 Speaker 1: important to us. So, for example, writing a book that's 58 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:56,600 Speaker 1: my one. I have spent years talking about writing a book, 59 00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:00,080 Speaker 1: and there was a big gap there. There was a 60 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:03,880 Speaker 1: lot of self doubt, a lot of fear around it, 61 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:07,480 Speaker 1: a lot of imposter syndrome. And I've done about six 62 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:11,080 Speaker 1: drafts now and I've deleted them all. But I'm finally there. 63 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:15,800 Speaker 1: Finally I've started it, and so I am slowly closing 64 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:18,919 Speaker 1: that gap. So it could be about changing careers, it 65 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:22,040 Speaker 1: could be about asking somebody out, or going traveling on 66 00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:25,400 Speaker 1: your own, or even suggesting that you meet a cough 67 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:28,720 Speaker 1: meet for a coffee to a potential friend, or maybe 68 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:31,160 Speaker 1: it's even as simple as just wearing the clothes that 69 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:34,720 Speaker 1: you want to wear. So it's the big things in 70 00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:39,000 Speaker 1: our lives and also the small things that we don't 71 00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:43,919 Speaker 1: do because we have a fear of something. So let's 72 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:46,719 Speaker 1: talk about the stuff that actually lies within the gap. 73 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:51,040 Speaker 1: So let's talk about fear, fear of failure, fear of rejection, 74 00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:55,960 Speaker 1: or even fear of success that can stop us in 75 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:58,840 Speaker 1: our tracks. And I relate to all of these. There 76 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:01,520 Speaker 1: definitely been a huge part, as I said, of my 77 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:05,159 Speaker 1: own gap, and they still pop up. So it's this 78 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:10,680 Speaker 1: ongoing process. Let's look at anger, anger at others, resentment 79 00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:15,560 Speaker 1: to others, anger at the circumstances that you find yourself in. 80 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:19,719 Speaker 1: You might be even angry at yourself for making a 81 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:24,719 Speaker 1: decision that you regret. Anxiety is a big one. It 82 00:05:24,839 --> 00:05:28,560 Speaker 1: is a huge struggle for so many people today. It's 83 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:31,359 Speaker 1: the number one mental health condition in Australia and the 84 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:36,320 Speaker 1: world right now. And so way too many people have 85 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:41,560 Speaker 1: these massive gaps filled with anxiety, stopping them from living 86 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:45,560 Speaker 1: their lives. And then, of course you've got that inner 87 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:48,359 Speaker 1: critic that in a gremlin that I've spoken about before, 88 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:52,880 Speaker 1: that nagging voice that tells us you're not ready, you're 89 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:56,320 Speaker 1: not smart enough, why bother? And again, this is a 90 00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:58,360 Speaker 1: big one for me. I will put my hand up, 91 00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:01,520 Speaker 1: and I am saying this with of vulnerability, but I 92 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:04,840 Speaker 1: am pretty confident that there's a lot of you that 93 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:08,760 Speaker 1: relate to it. And I wouldn't be here talking to 94 00:06:08,839 --> 00:06:13,280 Speaker 1: you if I allowed this inner critic to constantly tell 95 00:06:13,279 --> 00:06:16,599 Speaker 1: me what to do. So that is really important. It's 96 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:19,279 Speaker 1: always going to be in that gap, but it's how 97 00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:22,840 Speaker 1: I respond to it that's going to help close the gap. 98 00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:27,000 Speaker 1: So the stoics recognize that these emotions are part of life, 99 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,520 Speaker 1: but they didn't allow the thoughts and the feelings to 100 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:35,159 Speaker 1: dictate their actions. And this is key. It's so difficult, 101 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:39,760 Speaker 1: and it's really uncomfortable, but personally, I know that it's 102 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:44,320 Speaker 1: worth a discomfort because what's the alternative. The alternative is 103 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:47,159 Speaker 1: to live with this gap, which is only going to 104 00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:51,040 Speaker 1: get wider. So the key is that you have to 105 00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:55,400 Speaker 1: do the work. So unlike what many critics of Stoicism 106 00:06:55,440 --> 00:07:00,000 Speaker 1: will say, Stoics didn't suppress their emotions. They felt their emotions, 107 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:05,599 Speaker 1: they accepted them, and they managed them wisely. So here's 108 00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:09,280 Speaker 1: how they approach these unhelpful emotions like fear and anger 109 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:14,240 Speaker 1: and anxiety. So Marcuszirelius often wrote in his journal. He 110 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:18,320 Speaker 1: wrote a journal which is now called Meditations, to reflect 111 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:22,680 Speaker 1: on his feelings. And so by pausing, he created this 112 00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:26,280 Speaker 1: space between the emotion and what he did and allowed 113 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:29,560 Speaker 1: this kind of reasoning to guide his choices. And he 114 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:34,320 Speaker 1: did this through the tool of journaling. And the Stokes 115 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:38,360 Speaker 1: used the view from above exercise to put things in perspective. 116 00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:41,720 Speaker 1: And I really love this one. So you imagine zooming 117 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:45,240 Speaker 1: out from your life to see the vastness of the universe. 118 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:49,920 Speaker 1: Does this moment of anger or fear really matter in 119 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:52,840 Speaker 1: the grand scheme of things? And I was telling the 120 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:55,320 Speaker 1: client the other day that I do this myself. If 121 00:07:55,320 --> 00:08:00,360 Speaker 1: I'm feeling overwhelmed by something, I will often go at 122 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,520 Speaker 1: night if it's a clear night, and I will look 123 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:05,800 Speaker 1: up at the stars and it just puts a different 124 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:11,320 Speaker 1: perspective of my situation. The next one is around accepting 125 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:14,800 Speaker 1: what you can't control. So Epictetis said, our life is 126 00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:18,560 Speaker 1: in two zones. Zone one are the things you can control, 127 00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:22,160 Speaker 1: and zone two are all the things that you can't control. 128 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:25,560 Speaker 1: And this has been a concept or a message that 129 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:30,640 Speaker 1: has been integrated into other therapeutic approaches. It is definitely 130 00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:34,400 Speaker 1: a part of it's part of Japanese psychology and Marita therapy, 131 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:37,880 Speaker 1: and it is also a part of Acceptance and Commitment 132 00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:45,959 Speaker 1: therapy or ACT ANDOHOL Alcoholics Anonymous has their motto around this, 133 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:49,360 Speaker 1: which I absolutely love, and it says, God grant me 134 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:53,480 Speaker 1: the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the 135 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:57,040 Speaker 1: courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom 136 00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:01,120 Speaker 1: to know the difference. That is such a powerful motto 137 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:05,520 Speaker 1: for everybody. And Epictetus taught us that while we can't 138 00:09:05,559 --> 00:09:10,280 Speaker 1: control our external events, we can control how we respond 139 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:14,040 Speaker 1: to them, and that is the wisdom to know the difference. 140 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:19,960 Speaker 1: Anxiety about the future or frustration with others is futile 141 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:23,000 Speaker 1: because it's out of our control. So we must accept 142 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:26,679 Speaker 1: that that is part of our human experience and turn 143 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:30,320 Speaker 1: our attention to what we can control, and that is 144 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:33,480 Speaker 1: how we respond, and that is how we align our 145 00:09:33,559 --> 00:09:38,200 Speaker 1: actions with our virtues, with our values, and that is 146 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:42,640 Speaker 1: how we start to close that gap. And speaking of virtues, 147 00:09:42,679 --> 00:09:46,679 Speaker 1: the Stokes believe in living with wisdom, courage, justice, and 148 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:51,560 Speaker 1: self discipline. And they asked, what is the virtuous choice here? 149 00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:55,880 Speaker 1: Instead of reacting to the anger or the fear, they 150 00:09:56,080 --> 00:10:00,800 Speaker 1: acted in alignment with their virtues. So if somebody has 151 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:05,000 Speaker 1: triggered you and you feel angry, think about your choices here. 152 00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:08,240 Speaker 1: You can lash out. You can choose to lash out 153 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:12,000 Speaker 1: at them and yell and scream, which is a reactive choice, 154 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:16,400 Speaker 1: or you can respond with virtue, accept the anger that 155 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,920 Speaker 1: is brewing inside of you and then breathe into it 156 00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:23,000 Speaker 1: and then remain calm. And this is the same thing 157 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:26,160 Speaker 1: that you can apply to the anxiety of the fear 158 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:31,400 Speaker 1: around that could be stopping you from doing something that's 159 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:35,760 Speaker 1: really important to you, like reaching a goal. Okay, you 160 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:39,320 Speaker 1: accept that the anxiety and fear is there as part 161 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:42,079 Speaker 1: of being human, but it is your choice how you 162 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:45,480 Speaker 1: then respond to it. So the best way to practice 163 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:49,760 Speaker 1: this is to start small. So pick something that makes 164 00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:53,800 Speaker 1: you anxious so at least makes you feel uncomfortable that 165 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:57,560 Speaker 1: you're willing to test out experiment with it. So do 166 00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:00,600 Speaker 1: the very thing that brings up the anxiety or brings 167 00:11:00,679 --> 00:11:04,520 Speaker 1: up the fear, except that it's there, make room for it, 168 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:08,280 Speaker 1: breathe into it as part of the experience, and then 169 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:11,880 Speaker 1: take action and then see what happens. And it takes 170 00:11:12,160 --> 00:11:17,000 Speaker 1: wisdom to know that the emotions that come up here, 171 00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:20,480 Speaker 1: the anxiety, the fear, is a normal part of the 172 00:11:20,559 --> 00:11:24,559 Speaker 1: human experience and part of nature. And it takes courage 173 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:29,280 Speaker 1: to actually do the very thing that you're fearful or 174 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:34,559 Speaker 1: anxious to do. So here's my closing thought. The gap 175 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:37,800 Speaker 1: between who you are and who you are capable of 176 00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:42,800 Speaker 1: being isn't something to fear. It is something to embrace, 177 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:46,920 Speaker 1: and it's where the growth happens. The Stoics teach us 178 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:51,240 Speaker 1: that while will never ever become the Sage, we can 179 00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:55,080 Speaker 1: strive to walk with them, strive to use our sage 180 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:59,120 Speaker 1: as our guide when we are making decisions moment to 181 00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:03,440 Speaker 1: moment to moment. So this week, take time to reflect 182 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:06,640 Speaker 1: on your gap, what is in your gap, and what's 183 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:10,880 Speaker 1: one small virtuous action that you can take today to 184 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:14,640 Speaker 1: move forward? And as Marcus really has said, waste no 185 00:12:14,679 --> 00:12:18,240 Speaker 1: time arguing what a good man or woman should be 186 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:21,280 Speaker 1: be one. So have a great week everybody, and I 187 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:23,280 Speaker 1: will catch you next Monday. See yep.