WEBVTT - 84. Choosing Yourself (Even When It Hurts) 0:00:05.921 --> 0:00:13.201 Appogiae Production. Welcome to the Sheep Risers Podcast. I'm Ashley 0:00:13.281 --> 0:00:15.201 and I'm Tiana. This podcast is. 0:00:15.201 --> 0:00:18.800 About female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, 0:00:18.801 --> 0:00:20.800 and most authentic version of yourself. 0:00:20.961 --> 0:00:23.320 We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level. 0:00:23.361 --> 0:00:26.241 We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone 0:00:26.281 --> 0:00:27.801 else is too afraid to talk about. 0:00:28.401 --> 0:00:30.761 Get ready for your next level of self. 0:00:31.361 --> 0:00:36.161 Welcome back, Hello Wednesday, Good morning, Hey, feeling babe good? 0:00:36.321 --> 0:00:37.400 Ready to choose myself? 0:00:37.561 --> 0:00:39.761 Ready to choose yourself? That's what we're talking about today. 0:00:39.840 --> 0:00:43.521 We're talking about talking about that, how often we say 0:00:44.081 --> 0:00:47.280 yes to everyone else and say no to ourselves, and 0:00:47.321 --> 0:00:50.600 what that does, how unproductive it is, what it does 0:00:50.641 --> 0:00:52.681 to our nervous sys and what it does to our relationships, 0:00:52.721 --> 0:00:54.441 what it does to our connections, and how are we 0:00:54.441 --> 0:00:56.481 going to help guide you to stop doing that? Shit 0:00:56.921 --> 0:00:58.121 doesn't serve you damn straight. 0:01:00.441 --> 0:01:04.481 Choosing yourself can be really uncomfortable, especially when it hurts. 0:01:05.161 --> 0:01:07.761 It hurts to choose yourself, and I think a lot 0:01:07.801 --> 0:01:10.961 of women, and I think everyone in general to some 0:01:11.041 --> 0:01:15.200 degree has experienced this where choosing themselves, men saying no 0:01:15.321 --> 0:01:17.560 to someone that they love. Yeah, I think it shows 0:01:17.640 --> 0:01:20.321 up a lot in relationships, especially when there's a mismatch 0:01:20.481 --> 0:01:24.361 or there's a lack of compatibility and things like that, 0:01:24.640 --> 0:01:27.241 and you just find yourself feeling like I can either 0:01:27.321 --> 0:01:29.601 choose this person or I can choose myself. 0:01:30.081 --> 0:01:30.361 Yeah. 0:01:30.560 --> 0:01:32.881 I feel like oftentimes we choose other people. 0:01:32.801 --> 0:01:34.961 Because we're scared. We're scared they're going to be angry 0:01:35.000 --> 0:01:36.601 at us. We're scared they're going to be upset with us. 0:01:36.681 --> 0:01:38.521 I know, I get scared that they'll think I don't 0:01:38.521 --> 0:01:41.000 want to help them, or if you know they're stuck 0:01:41.041 --> 0:01:43.640 and you know you can help them, but maybe it's 0:01:43.640 --> 0:01:46.240 a disservice to them if you keep saving them. There's 0:01:46.280 --> 0:01:49.721 so many reasons why we say yes or no, but 0:01:49.761 --> 0:01:52.201 I think most women struggle to say yes to themselves 0:01:52.281 --> 0:01:55.281 because we've been praised growing up that oh my gosh, 0:01:55.281 --> 0:01:57.881 you're so nice, you're so helpful, you're the one that's 0:01:57.881 --> 0:01:59.921 always there for me, I can always rely on you, like, 0:01:59.961 --> 0:02:02.121 thank you so much, And then we get praised and 0:02:02.121 --> 0:02:06.561 there's positive reinforcement that we get love when we show 0:02:06.641 --> 0:02:09.481 up that way yes and when we say no. A 0:02:09.521 --> 0:02:12.761 lot of us have evidence of someone being upset with 0:02:12.841 --> 0:02:15.161 that and saying, well, you know you should do that 0:02:15.201 --> 0:02:16.800 for me. Do you not care for me? Do you 0:02:16.841 --> 0:02:18.601 want me to do that by myself. I can't believe 0:02:18.601 --> 0:02:19.841 you won't help me with that. I would help you 0:02:19.881 --> 0:02:21.921 with that. And it's like this guilt gets put back 0:02:21.960 --> 0:02:23.881 on you, so then you're barning yourself. So of course, okay, 0:02:24.081 --> 0:02:26.481 I'll do it. I'll put my stuff aside. And I 0:02:26.520 --> 0:02:28.921 think we're all guilty of doing this. But let's talk 0:02:28.960 --> 0:02:31.121 about what it does to the connections and the relationship. 0:02:31.201 --> 0:02:34.921 First of all, it builds resentment because you're then, Yeah, 0:02:35.201 --> 0:02:36.721 a lot of the time, if you're constantly saying yes 0:02:36.761 --> 0:02:39.481 to everyone else, you're saying no to yourself. You miss 0:02:39.481 --> 0:02:41.761 out on things that are really important to you. You 0:02:41.800 --> 0:02:44.440 can also get really exhausted doing everything for everyone else. 0:02:44.561 --> 0:02:46.601 Your stuff doesn't get done, so then you feel angry 0:02:46.641 --> 0:02:48.321 at them, but at the end of the day, you're 0:02:48.361 --> 0:02:50.761 the one that's agreed to it. Yeah, And then it 0:02:50.800 --> 0:02:53.520 puts this like invisible wedge between you and the person 0:02:53.561 --> 0:02:55.560 that you love because you feel that resentment and that 0:02:55.721 --> 0:02:58.081 energy towards them and they're off living their life. You 0:02:58.081 --> 0:03:00.321 said yes, I don't know how you're really feeling. Sure, 0:03:00.401 --> 0:03:03.481 you know, it's not their responsibility to manage your emotions 0:03:03.520 --> 0:03:06.400 through that, but it's your responsibility to honor what feels 0:03:06.441 --> 0:03:09.361 right for you. And it's different day to day week tweak, 0:03:09.520 --> 0:03:11.081 Like I say yes to a lot more things when 0:03:11.121 --> 0:03:13.881 I have more capacity. I say yes now when I 0:03:13.921 --> 0:03:16.041 know I can, Whereas I used to say yes all 0:03:16.041 --> 0:03:18.641 the time and fear of being abandoned. Whereas now it's like, 0:03:18.641 --> 0:03:20.161 if I've got the capacity, how are you. I love 0:03:20.161 --> 0:03:22.560 helping you, Yes, helping them. Being of service is a 0:03:22.601 --> 0:03:24.761 high value of mind. I love contributing to people. It's 0:03:24.841 --> 0:03:27.001 hugely important to me. But not at the cost of 0:03:27.001 --> 0:03:28.560 my own mental health, not at the cost of my 0:03:28.680 --> 0:03:31.601 kids time, and not at the cost of the energy 0:03:31.601 --> 0:03:33.921 that I do not have. I've got to have the 0:03:33.960 --> 0:03:34.921 capacity for it. 0:03:35.081 --> 0:03:38.921 Yeah, I love that. I really struggled with choosing myself 0:03:38.921 --> 0:03:41.641 for a lot of my life, if I'm being honest, Yeah, 0:03:41.761 --> 0:03:43.681 self abandoning in hopes that it would gain the love 0:03:43.681 --> 0:03:46.521 of others. Yeah, And that's what we just want to be. 0:03:46.521 --> 0:03:48.041 Love to just love a girls what I've loved. 0:03:48.041 --> 0:03:50.321 And that's a really hard thing to kind of make 0:03:50.401 --> 0:03:52.641 sense of when you're doing it because when you're in 0:03:52.641 --> 0:03:55.721 the moment, it doesn't feel like self abandonment. No, not 0:03:55.761 --> 0:03:57.441 in the very moment that you do it. Yes, it's 0:03:57.441 --> 0:04:00.361 always the aftermath of the self abandonment. Do you feel 0:04:00.401 --> 0:04:02.881 the effects and the aftermath of it. But in the moment, 0:04:03.561 --> 0:04:05.281 you have so much to gain because you're like, but 0:04:05.361 --> 0:04:07.001 if I do this for this person, and I just 0:04:07.281 --> 0:04:08.880 do what they say, and I you know, I'm there 0:04:08.921 --> 0:04:10.161 for them, and I show up for them. 0:04:10.081 --> 0:04:12.521 Even a good friend and a good partner, even though it. 0:04:12.481 --> 0:04:15.241 Might be an inconvenience or it throws out my schedule, Like, 0:04:15.601 --> 0:04:17.401 I'm going to do it anyway, because then in me 0:04:17.521 --> 0:04:19.681 doing this, I'm going to get something in return. And 0:04:19.681 --> 0:04:20.561 that's conditional giving. 0:04:20.681 --> 0:04:23.561 That's conditional giving. And it is a very quick trap 0:04:23.601 --> 0:04:27.161 to get stecond, right. We do things to gain pleasure 0:04:27.241 --> 0:04:30.760 or avoid pain. Yes, and I think sometimes the pain 0:04:30.921 --> 0:04:36.081 of abandoning ourselves feels less scary than the pain of 0:04:36.121 --> 0:04:39.081 them being upset with us, So we choose them. But 0:04:39.201 --> 0:04:41.121 over time, if you're always going to be a people, 0:04:41.121 --> 0:04:43.241 please trust me, you're going to burn and crash. You 0:04:43.281 --> 0:04:47.400 can't sustain that long term without becoming bitter resentful and 0:04:47.521 --> 0:04:49.361 miserable at the end of the day, that's on you 0:04:50.041 --> 0:04:50.841 and other people. 0:04:50.961 --> 0:04:55.001 Isn't it so interesting as well? Knowing that it's wanting 0:04:55.081 --> 0:04:58.161 somebody else's love is quotations more powerful than wanting our 0:04:58.161 --> 0:05:01.081 own love, I know. Right, it really shows us as 0:05:01.081 --> 0:05:03.361 a collective where we're at in terms of self love 0:05:03.361 --> 0:05:05.200 and how much we value that. I know, you know, 0:05:05.320 --> 0:05:07.561 it's unfortunate. It's really sad because we're like, oh wow, 0:05:07.681 --> 0:05:10.481 like I must abandon myself so much because their love 0:05:10.601 --> 0:05:13.880 gives more weight than the love of myself. And it's 0:05:13.921 --> 0:05:16.400 just interesting how perspective is a little bit skewed on 0:05:16.440 --> 0:05:19.121 that of like, yeah, this person's love means more to 0:05:19.161 --> 0:05:21.440 me than it does to give myself my own. So 0:05:21.481 --> 0:05:24.681 it's like, how can we shift that narrative of you know, 0:05:24.761 --> 0:05:28.601 other people being more important than ourselves the most important first, 0:05:28.641 --> 0:05:29.961 and then everybody else under that. 0:05:30.121 --> 0:05:32.481 Well, this is what you coach women with, right, is 0:05:32.521 --> 0:05:35.601 self worth and self love and self respect. Yeah, like 0:05:35.681 --> 0:05:37.961 most of your clients, this is exactly what you're helping 0:05:37.961 --> 0:05:40.121 them with. And when they come to you and talk 0:05:40.161 --> 0:05:43.041 about this, like is there a couple of straight out 0:05:43.081 --> 0:05:45.521 things that you help them with? Like tips or tricks 0:05:45.641 --> 0:05:48.361 or how do you guide them through that to not 0:05:48.401 --> 0:05:50.161 be the people, please, not be the yes girl, and 0:05:50.201 --> 0:05:52.161 to actually choose themselves Because if they've been doing it 0:05:52.161 --> 0:05:54.121 for twenty five years, how do they all of a 0:05:54.161 --> 0:05:57.440 sudden stop. That's conditioning, that's patterns, that's habits. How do 0:05:57.481 --> 0:05:59.081 you help them to make a change with that? 0:05:59.241 --> 0:06:01.721 Well, the biggest thing is like giving them permission to 0:06:01.761 --> 0:06:04.561 see it first, right, because it's like, yes, we might 0:06:04.721 --> 0:06:07.001 uncle justly know that we do it, but do we 0:06:07.161 --> 0:06:09.001 actually see it for what it is? And do we 0:06:09.041 --> 0:06:11.521 see how much is actually impacting us day to day? 0:06:11.801 --> 0:06:14.241 You know, like you prioritizing that other person and then 0:06:14.281 --> 0:06:16.281 not putting yourself forward is like, Okay, are you giving 0:06:16.361 --> 0:06:18.440 up on your goals? Are you giving up in your dreams? 0:06:18.521 --> 0:06:21.161 Are you neglecting your self love and your self care? 0:06:21.201 --> 0:06:23.681 Because you want to go see that person? And I 0:06:23.721 --> 0:06:27.001 think that's the biggest thing is firstly just awareness, and 0:06:27.041 --> 0:06:30.241 then after that it's helping remind my clients that they 0:06:30.281 --> 0:06:34.401 have a voice and that they have needs once desires 0:06:34.521 --> 0:06:38.400 of their own outside of the people that they're trying to. 0:06:38.401 --> 0:06:40.681 Take care of that are important, that are important. 0:06:41.001 --> 0:06:44.001 Yeah, because what I noticed more so recently actually, a 0:06:44.041 --> 0:06:46.561 lot of women have been coming to me for either 0:06:46.681 --> 0:06:48.561 being in a relationship they're not happy with and they're 0:06:48.681 --> 0:06:52.201 neglecting themselves post relationship break up where they've completely lost 0:06:52.201 --> 0:06:55.801 their identity and lost their confidence, or post divorce even 0:06:55.921 --> 0:06:58.201 years later, where they still don't know how to pick 0:06:58.281 --> 0:07:01.041 up the baton and create their life again. And so 0:07:01.361 --> 0:07:04.681 the biggest thing has just been shifting their focus from 0:07:04.761 --> 0:07:09.281 other to them. So every time that they're overgiving, over delivering, 0:07:09.521 --> 0:07:13.761 overly nurturing, overly taking care of other people, it's shifting that, 0:07:14.001 --> 0:07:16.561 pulling that energy back from other people and putting it 0:07:16.601 --> 0:07:19.721 on themselves. So I say to them, even temporarily, for 0:07:19.761 --> 0:07:22.841 these women, especially, Okay, in this season of your life, 0:07:22.881 --> 0:07:24.641 it's just going to be a short season. Yeah, we're 0:07:24.641 --> 0:07:25.521 just going to focus on you. 0:07:26.041 --> 0:07:27.201 Or is there resistance with that? 0:07:27.241 --> 0:07:27.601 Always? 0:07:27.601 --> 0:07:29.601 How do I do that? Always? How do I imagine? 0:07:29.761 --> 0:07:30.441 I know? How do I do that? 0:07:30.561 --> 0:07:32.121 I just want to make them dinner, and I just 0:07:32.121 --> 0:07:33.361 want to take care of them, and I just want 0:07:33.361 --> 0:07:34.841 to make their life easy. Okay, cool, but what do 0:07:34.921 --> 0:07:35.321 you want? 0:07:35.681 --> 0:07:36.041 Yeah? 0:07:36.081 --> 0:07:40.121 And it's just a constantly reminding them that they have needs, wants, 0:07:40.161 --> 0:07:43.521 and desires and like almost shedding light on those desires 0:07:43.561 --> 0:07:46.081 to bring them to the forefront. The more that they 0:07:46.081 --> 0:07:48.881 can see that they have their own wants, needs and desires, 0:07:49.281 --> 0:07:52.121 the bigger they become because it's almost like mission for 0:07:52.161 --> 0:07:52.961 them to see it. 0:07:52.961 --> 0:07:54.961 It's not only what they want, right, it's what they need. 0:07:55.041 --> 0:07:55.721 It's what they need. 0:07:56.201 --> 0:07:58.561 You need to take care of you like want and 0:07:58.681 --> 0:08:01.881 needed quite different, what do you actually need? And if 0:08:01.881 --> 0:08:04.121 they don't have the answers to that, that's a big 0:08:04.161 --> 0:08:05.561 red flag. Hundred percent. 0:08:05.681 --> 0:08:08.161 Yeah, I think there are three biggest components. Okay, the 0:08:08.161 --> 0:08:12.481 three biggest components mindset, identity, and behavior. So mindset is 0:08:12.521 --> 0:08:16.001 the mindset shift around you're actually the most important person 0:08:16.001 --> 0:08:16.441 in your life. 0:08:16.441 --> 0:08:18.961 For hard one for people to really own. 0:08:19.361 --> 0:08:22.081 But what's important is like creating safety in that yeah, 0:08:22.201 --> 0:08:25.241 creating safety to take up space, creating safety to have 0:08:25.281 --> 0:08:29.721 once needs and desires, creating safety in actually being in 0:08:29.761 --> 0:08:31.001 the spotlight of your own life. 0:08:31.401 --> 0:08:32.521 So that's the first shift. 0:08:32.801 --> 0:08:35.761 The second shift is the identity of like I'm less 0:08:35.761 --> 0:08:38.881 than everybody else, you know, I'm less than, I'm inferior, 0:08:39.121 --> 0:08:42.361 I'm not as deserving, I'm not enough, all that sort 0:08:42.401 --> 0:08:44.161 of stuff. So we kind of have to look at 0:08:44.161 --> 0:08:48.201 the identity and shift the way that they perceive themselves, right, Yeah, 0:08:48.361 --> 0:08:50.881 in comparison to other people, because it's like, if the 0:08:50.921 --> 0:08:53.281 women are always seeing themselves as less than they've got 0:08:53.281 --> 0:08:56.681 everybody else up on a pedestal, automatically, they're going to 0:08:56.681 --> 0:09:00.001 suppress their needs, wants and desires. So we like address that, 0:09:00.161 --> 0:09:03.041 and then behavior is looking at all of those things 0:09:03.081 --> 0:09:04.721 that they want and need in their life and then 0:09:04.721 --> 0:09:08.161 actually actioning those things. So it's like not just mindset 0:09:08.401 --> 0:09:11.441 identity behavior, it's on all different avenues that they're actually 0:09:11.481 --> 0:09:13.041 transforming their relationship. 0:09:12.601 --> 0:09:14.401 With about that really cool? So cool. 0:09:14.441 --> 0:09:17.281 I love witnessing women go through it, yea, because they 0:09:17.321 --> 0:09:21.401 go from this sometimes dull shell of a human version 0:09:21.441 --> 0:09:24.281 of themselves where they've lost themselves. They don't know who 0:09:24.281 --> 0:09:26.841 they are anymore. They don't know what they like, they 0:09:26.841 --> 0:09:29.041 don't know what they want, they don't know who they are. 0:09:29.121 --> 0:09:31.081 They don't even know how to communicate with people because 0:09:31.081 --> 0:09:34.161 they're so anxious. Yeah to holy shit, I am this 0:09:34.361 --> 0:09:37.041 force of a woman and a human being that gets 0:09:37.041 --> 0:09:39.761 to be my bigness and be all of who I am, 0:09:40.321 --> 0:09:42.481 take up space and I actually go out and get 0:09:42.521 --> 0:09:43.521 the things that I want in life. 0:09:43.521 --> 0:09:46.161 Oh, that's just so rewarding to see that transformation. It 0:09:46.281 --> 0:09:48.041 is the best I think a lot of women too. 0:09:48.201 --> 0:09:51.081 I've spoken about this before at my event's. Actually my 0:09:51.161 --> 0:09:52.921 coach Taylor taught me this, and it's like, you know, 0:09:52.961 --> 0:09:54.881 the whole saying you can't pour from an empty cup. 0:09:55.361 --> 0:09:58.001 It's like the I we all. A lot of people 0:09:58.041 --> 0:10:01.481 live where it's all we are, so they look after 0:10:01.561 --> 0:10:04.361 everyone for themselves. Then they look after their family and friends, 0:10:04.361 --> 0:10:07.161 and then their last bottom of the barrel. Whereas, like 0:10:07.241 --> 0:10:09.481 I flipped it, I used to be that. I used 0:10:09.481 --> 0:10:11.161 to want to put everyone else first, make sure everyone's 0:10:11.161 --> 0:10:14.561 looked after, like community online, like work everyone, and then 0:10:14.601 --> 0:10:15.961 like I get home and I've got a little bit 0:10:16.001 --> 0:10:17.521 of energy left my family, and then at the end 0:10:17.521 --> 0:10:19.921 of the I'm like I've got nothing left myself. You 0:10:19.921 --> 0:10:22.201 can do that for a certain period of time until 0:10:22.241 --> 0:10:24.881 once again, you build out resentment and you're feeling bitter, 0:10:24.961 --> 0:10:27.281 you're feeling angry, you're not feeling that up and fulfilled 0:10:27.281 --> 0:10:29.521 because you're not doing anything for yourself. Whereas now it's 0:10:29.561 --> 0:10:32.561 like I we all, I will be the best mum 0:10:32.641 --> 0:10:34.441 and be able to take care of everyone when I 0:10:34.481 --> 0:10:37.601 take care of myself first. So that's filling into my cup, 0:10:37.681 --> 0:10:39.841 doing things that bring me joy, doing things that keeps 0:10:39.881 --> 0:10:42.601 my health the best that it is, getting enough sleep, 0:10:42.921 --> 0:10:47.441 having fun, all my passions, purposes, on point, hobbies, connection, 0:10:47.521 --> 0:10:49.361 all the things that I value, and then my cup's 0:10:49.401 --> 0:10:50.961 really full, and then overflows to my kids and my 0:10:50.961 --> 0:10:52.721 family really easily. And then I've got lots left over 0:10:52.721 --> 0:10:55.121 for my community. That so people always say to me, 0:10:55.161 --> 0:10:56.561 how can you show up every single day for the 0:10:56.601 --> 0:10:59.201 last ten to fifteen years, How do you continue to give? 0:10:59.361 --> 0:11:00.921 How do you apply to all your dms? How do 0:11:00.961 --> 0:11:03.281 you have these big conversations. It's like, because I take 0:11:03.321 --> 0:11:05.881 care of me first, I've got overflow. Yes, if it's 0:11:05.881 --> 0:11:08.161 flipped around, I'm on empty, I'm going to be snappy, 0:11:08.161 --> 0:11:10.001 I'm going to be not patient. I'm not going to 0:11:10.081 --> 0:11:12.841 have an energy and life force behind me to be 0:11:12.841 --> 0:11:14.961 able to contribute and to do things I want to do, 0:11:15.001 --> 0:11:16.481 and to be able to make the impact that I 0:11:16.481 --> 0:11:19.001 want to make. So important to choose yourself yes, and 0:11:19.281 --> 0:11:21.361 that unfortunately does require you saying no to a lot 0:11:21.361 --> 0:11:22.761 of people. Yeah, a lot of things. 0:11:22.921 --> 0:11:24.681 I think that's the biggest thing, isn't it like being 0:11:25.281 --> 0:11:28.201 disappointing people? Yes, And the way that I like to 0:11:28.361 --> 0:11:30.081 frame it at least it has been helpful for me 0:11:30.281 --> 0:11:32.521 is like, for this short period of time whilst I'm 0:11:32.601 --> 0:11:34.921 learning how to choose myself, I just have to be 0:11:35.321 --> 0:11:38.561 really firm with my boundaries in a short season, and 0:11:38.601 --> 0:11:40.361 then after I can be a little bit more flexible 0:11:40.361 --> 0:11:43.081 when I've got more capacity, more time, more energy. But 0:11:43.241 --> 0:11:46.401 right now, if I'm on empty and I'm emotionally at 0:11:46.401 --> 0:11:49.121 my wits end, I don't have any capacity. I'm struggling. 0:11:49.241 --> 0:11:52.081 I'm resentful towards everyone in my life. Okay, I need 0:11:52.081 --> 0:11:53.961 to clean some things up. Yeah, and then let your 0:11:54.001 --> 0:11:56.201 own lane, yeah, clean up, clean one hundred percent, clean 0:11:56.321 --> 0:11:58.561 up your own shit and being willing to go Okay. 0:11:58.961 --> 0:12:01.081 The more that I say no to everyone else right now, 0:12:01.161 --> 0:12:02.801 the more I'm going to say yes to myself. 0:12:03.481 --> 0:12:03.921 And what I. 0:12:04.001 --> 0:12:07.641 Found through doing that has created a lot of space 0:12:07.681 --> 0:12:11.281 for myself. So it's like, you know, people assume that 0:12:11.281 --> 0:12:15.001 if you're not working automatically free, yeah, but it's like, no, 0:12:15.121 --> 0:12:18.201 that's not the case. That's not And you know, having 0:12:18.201 --> 0:12:20.841 those boundaries with yourself around that as well of like 0:12:21.121 --> 0:12:23.121 you know, just because you're not working doesn't mean that 0:12:23.161 --> 0:12:24.201 you're free or you have time. 0:12:24.281 --> 0:12:25.241 You're allowed to have space. 0:12:25.401 --> 0:12:27.161 What if you needed thirty minutes to yourself to go 0:12:27.161 --> 0:12:30.881 to the beach in journal, Go take that time, give 0:12:30.921 --> 0:12:33.041 that to yourself, because how you're going to show up 0:12:33.081 --> 0:12:35.481 after that thirty minutes is going to be a world 0:12:35.521 --> 0:12:38.401 of difference. If you haven't eaten all day, you've put 0:12:38.401 --> 0:12:41.481 everybody else first, you've overgiven in your job because you're 0:12:41.521 --> 0:12:42.161 doing it for free. 0:12:42.481 --> 0:12:44.561 Yeah, you know things like that. And what I love 0:12:44.641 --> 0:12:47.201 too is we always talk about is to stop assuming 0:12:47.201 --> 0:12:49.921 that people can't handle no. Yes, we assume that they're 0:12:49.921 --> 0:12:52.321 going to be angry, we assume that they're gonna not 0:12:52.361 --> 0:12:54.241 survive without us, assume that you won't better get that 0:12:54.321 --> 0:12:56.801 job done. We assume that they're going to abandon us 0:12:56.921 --> 0:12:58.481 or be angry at all the things. But like, stop 0:12:58.521 --> 0:13:01.401 assuming you don't actually know. Sometimes now I think, because 0:13:01.401 --> 0:13:03.601 I'm around the right people, when I say no, it's 0:13:03.601 --> 0:13:05.641 fully respected and it's like, oh, of course you've got 0:13:05.641 --> 0:13:07.921 the kids. Of course I know you've had a really 0:13:07.961 --> 0:13:10.561 hard week or good, I'll sort it out. It's never 0:13:10.641 --> 0:13:14.361 met with anger or disappointment. Or shame or someone trying 0:13:14.401 --> 0:13:16.681 to make me feel guilty about it. So stop assuming 0:13:16.721 --> 0:13:18.201 that you say no that they're going to do all 0:13:18.201 --> 0:13:19.961 those things, because they might be totally fine with it 0:13:20.201 --> 0:13:22.281 and totally understanding. Be like actually, yeah, I was your 0:13:22.281 --> 0:13:24.881 old and be saying yes that either, fuck that, yes totally. 0:13:24.921 --> 0:13:27.561 There's been times where over the years, like say, I 0:13:27.601 --> 0:13:30.441 remember this one time where someone needed help moving something 0:13:31.041 --> 0:13:31.561 and it. 0:13:31.521 --> 0:13:32.561 Was always the one. 0:13:32.641 --> 0:13:34.321 It was in a massive group message and there was 0:13:34.321 --> 0:13:36.401 lots of people and Steve didn't reply, and I remember 0:13:36.561 --> 0:13:38.361 shaming him for it. I was like, babe, you should 0:13:38.361 --> 0:13:39.801 put your hand up and do that, Like why would 0:13:39.801 --> 0:13:42.321 you not? He's like, do you know how exhausted I 0:13:42.361 --> 0:13:45.721 am this week? I've given everything to work, to our family. 0:13:45.881 --> 0:13:48.681 I'm so tired and Billy king my eyes open, like 0:13:48.801 --> 0:13:51.401 I'm going to say no, I need to put myself first. 0:13:51.441 --> 0:13:53.121 I need to rest and I just want quality time 0:13:53.161 --> 0:13:55.081 with you guys. I'm not going to go on volunteer 0:13:55.121 --> 0:13:58.001 four hours and my Saturday afternoon like I'm sorry. Yeah, 0:13:58.001 --> 0:14:00.121 And I remember then realizing I was like, oh, I 0:14:00.161 --> 0:14:02.841 shouldn't have shamed him for that. He's allowed to say 0:14:02.881 --> 0:14:05.281 no and they're allowed to go get someone else. It's 0:14:05.321 --> 0:14:06.921 really cool for me to see that. And I was like, Oh, 0:14:06.921 --> 0:14:09.201 that's really inspiring. You can say no, Yeah, doesn't feel 0:14:09.281 --> 0:14:10.801 right for you and you don't have the capacity. Good 0:14:10.801 --> 0:14:12.321 on you for honoring yourself. I love that. 0:14:12.481 --> 0:14:14.561 And what a beautiful opportunity for you to see even 0:14:14.601 --> 0:14:16.281 how quickly it can be for us to turn something 0:14:16.281 --> 0:14:18.561 of somebody else, right, it's just a split second and 0:14:18.841 --> 0:14:21.801 obviously super harmless. Yeah, for it to then become a 0:14:21.801 --> 0:14:24.681 problem of somebody immediately feeling guilt in that moment. 0:14:24.521 --> 0:14:26.201 Yeah, you know. And I projected that onto him because 0:14:26.201 --> 0:14:28.361 I'm a yes person. So I was like, Oh, where 0:14:28.401 --> 0:14:30.121 does this show up for me? That I'm making him 0:14:30.121 --> 0:14:32.001 feel shameful. I would feel shameful for not putting my 0:14:32.041 --> 0:14:34.121 hand up yes, because I've told myself to be loved 0:14:34.121 --> 0:14:35.521 and to be accepted and to be liked, I have 0:14:35.561 --> 0:14:37.761 to say yes and do everything for everyone else. I 0:14:37.841 --> 0:14:39.361 was like, Oh, I can't actually have to do that. 0:14:39.361 --> 0:14:41.721 That's so interesting, that's cool. Yeah, it was a cool 0:14:41.721 --> 0:14:43.441 It was as years ago, but ye, at the moment 0:14:43.481 --> 0:14:45.161 and now when he says no, I like respect. 0:14:45.241 --> 0:14:48.081 Yeah, I love that boundary boundary. It's so interesting. The 0:14:48.081 --> 0:14:50.201 moving one is a I feel like it's so relevant. 0:14:50.241 --> 0:14:53.041 Oh my gosh, it's a torture, isn't it. 0:14:53.401 --> 0:14:57.401 Oh So my family are very much many hands make light. 0:14:57.321 --> 0:14:58.441 Work, which is true. 0:14:58.521 --> 0:14:59.241 It's very true. 0:14:59.281 --> 0:15:01.001 They're very hands on when it comes to moving up. 0:15:01.001 --> 0:15:03.641 They are absolutely you bet you, I'm getting my name 0:15:03.641 --> 0:15:04.521 put down for moving. 0:15:04.721 --> 0:15:04.961 Yeah. 0:15:05.121 --> 0:15:07.241 So my mom and my nana have always said stuff 0:15:07.281 --> 0:15:09.521 like that and the interesting you on. Like on my 0:15:09.561 --> 0:15:12.761 mom's side, she's got lots of siblings and there's lots 0:15:12.801 --> 0:15:15.121 of uncles and all the things. So when someone moves, 0:15:15.481 --> 0:15:19.801 everyone's in, like, everyone's all hands on deck, like helping move. 0:15:19.881 --> 0:15:22.161 My uncles are in like all of the things. And 0:15:22.201 --> 0:15:25.561 I remember when I first started coming into learning boundaries 0:15:25.601 --> 0:15:27.801 myself and being able to say no to others. I 0:15:27.881 --> 0:15:30.161 really had to implement it with family hard. 0:15:30.001 --> 0:15:32.441 Because they would have been met with resistance. Like everyone's 0:15:32.481 --> 0:15:33.561 helping except Tiana. 0:15:33.601 --> 0:15:35.321 I would love to get my mum on here to 0:15:35.401 --> 0:15:38.201 have a conversation about how much she hated it. 0:15:38.361 --> 0:15:41.121 Wow, she hated it because I. 0:15:41.161 --> 0:15:43.201 Was the first one in the family to actually start 0:15:43.241 --> 0:15:48.401 saying no, to have boundaries, to say no, to say 0:15:48.441 --> 0:15:50.481 no to being a helping hand, and unfortunately it was 0:15:50.561 --> 0:15:53.001 met with gil what do you mean No, Yeah, that's 0:15:53.041 --> 0:15:53.921 just expected around. 0:15:54.001 --> 0:15:55.681 Everyone else is doing it. Why would you not? Why 0:15:55.681 --> 0:15:57.641 do you think you're superior? That's right. 0:15:58.041 --> 0:16:00.161 My mom and my dad are both very much will 0:16:00.281 --> 0:16:02.641 literally give you the shirt off their backs. They will 0:16:02.641 --> 0:16:05.841 go above and beyond. Right, So it's almost that expectation 0:16:06.001 --> 0:16:07.361 was then put on me to do the same. 0:16:07.761 --> 0:16:09.761 That's it. Hey, when you give a certain way, you 0:16:09.841 --> 0:16:11.641 kind of expect it bad traditional. 0:16:11.881 --> 0:16:13.881 Yeah, it's so easy to do that. We all do that, 0:16:14.401 --> 0:16:16.601 and so I just found it, yeah, really interesting to 0:16:16.641 --> 0:16:19.001 receive that. And I like what you said around when 0:16:19.001 --> 0:16:21.921 you don't have capacity, you're allowed to say no. But 0:16:22.161 --> 0:16:24.881 what I learned through doing that was if I actually 0:16:25.041 --> 0:16:27.121 just don't want to, I'm not going to. 0:16:27.161 --> 0:16:29.041 It doesn't even have to be in capacity, you just 0:16:29.041 --> 0:16:29.641 don't want to do it. 0:16:30.001 --> 0:16:33.681 Yeah, my body, no, I don't want to help. Yeah, 0:16:33.881 --> 0:16:35.921 I can contribute in other ways that feels good to me, 0:16:36.241 --> 0:16:39.521